1 Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019 (TRAIN RATTLES) Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, right. Oh, my! Miss Jones? Rosemary Jones? Rosie, please. I prefer Rosie. Is everything alright? Yes. (LAUGHS) Fine. Erm, I was just checking the, er,... the trunk, the big leather trunk. Is that yours? Yes, that's mine. Good. Thank you. Good. Miss Jones? Good morning, Officers. Two dismembered bodies, Rosemary. Why don't you just tell me who they are? My husband and his mistress. They were planning to run away together. So, you killed them instead? I couldn't very well stand idly by now, could I? Rosemary Fedina Jones, you have been found guilty of manslaughter. Manslaughter, in that the time you committed these heinous acts, you were suffering from such an abnormality of mind it seriously impaired your responsibility. I therefore make an order for your detention in a secure unit for the criminally insane, not to be freed until such time as the Home Secretary decides that your detention is no longer necessary to protect the public. Thank you. I don't suppose there's any chance of a cup of tea, is there? (DOG BARKS) Morning, Ladies. Morning. Thank you for coming. Thank you very much. Very nice to see you again. Goodbye, Mrs Martin. Marvellous sermon, vicar! That's very kind, thank you. Thank you, Reverend Goodfellow. You've very welcome, Mrs Parker. I just wanted to have a word about the Flower Arranging Committee. Oh, erm, yes, of course. Perhaps... This afternoon. Oh. And Mrs Goodfellow is not with you again? Er, no. Sorry about that. She's been very busy, Mrs Parker. Next week, perhaps? Perhaps, yes, although she is incredibly busy at the moment. (DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE) Oh! Oh, for fuck's sake! Jesus Christ! What's a girl got to do to get a decent night's sleep around here? Holly. (CHILDREN SHOUT) 'Out the way!' Oh, Petey. Pass! (DOG CONTINUES BARKING) Fuck off! Holly, it's time to wake up. Holly. Holly, I know you're in there. Please come out. Mother! Right now! I don't think you want me to do that. I bloody do! Is that you, Carl? No, this is Mark. It's nice to meet you, Mrs Goodfellow. Holly, this is totally unacceptable. I'm 17. It's been legal for a year. Legal does not make it decent. Is everything alright, Mrs Goodfellow? Yes, everything's fine, Mrs Parker. Is that Holly I heard? Holly? Oh, no. Oh, morning, Mrs Parker. Morning. You know the thing that pains me the most? No. But I bet you'll tell me. You're intelligent. Intelligent girls can't have a libido? They know what to do. I know what to do with it. Oh, Holly. We used to be such friends. Hello. > You're cross with me all the time. That's cos you're a total bitch. Ah, look at you two. Morning, sweetheart. Morning. It's sort of as we feared, the pond. I've been chatting with the chaps in the water board. Looks like algae. It could be one of two or three different types, apparently, some of them poisonous. They're worried about the water table and... Anyway, they say it'll get worse if it's not dealt with. A lot of things will get worse if they're not dealt with. They're gonna be back with details. The devil's in the details, Dad. Could we not say that word on a Sunday? What, Dad? Right. Where are you going now? Er, I've got work to do. You've just been to work. I've got to write a speech for the convention, God's Mysterious Ways. That's all I've got to show for it, a title. (SIGHS) See? You're an utter bitch to him. Oh... (MUMBLES) And I know why. You're not getting any. What? The same reason you're angry with me and Mark. Oh, in the van, in front of the house on a Sunday. That might have more to do with it. I don't think so. Oh, you must be right then. I usually am. Can I get you any? Petey, how long have you been there? Holly says you're not getting any. Can I get you some? Oh, Petey, that's very thoughtful, but no. No, you can't. (SIGHS) Let's face it, I'm no good at this. You just need a little tweaking, a little Lance adjustment. But that's another story. Alright, now Gloria, I told you that the key is in the swing, right? I've never had a good swing, so... I disagree. I bet you could swing really well. (CHUCKLES) Now, grip that shaft gently, but firmly. Uh-huh. Now spread your legs. Little more. Oh! Yeah. Now, you bend to the ball slowly. Yeah. Now bend your knees. Yeah. Feel good? Yeah, it feels fine. OK. Now, you just keep your eye on the ball. OK. You let me worry about the hole. Right. That was quite good! Your ball is in the rough, but it's a good feeling. Yep. (CHUCKLES) One more? OK. '(DOG BARKS)' Mrs Parker asked after you again this morning. Surprise, surprise. I think I'm beginning to run out of excuses. Well, then don't make any. You know what you can do? Go down there and kill that bloody dog! Never in a month of Sundays. Was that a brassiere over Holly's shoulder this morning? You're a half day behind the rest of us. We call it a bra nowadays. Why did she have it over her shoulder? She was doing the laundry. (DOG BARKS) (DOG BARKS) Mr Brown. Mr Brown, it's Mrs Goodfellow about Clarence. It's about your dog. You woke me. Yes, well, your dog woke me. What do you say? I said your dog woke me. Well, he's found his voice, in't he? He has, hasn't he? I was wondering if you could keep him inside during the night time. (DOG BARKS) Got your sandwiches? Yes. Got your sports bag? Yes. Daddy's picking you up. But he forgets! No, he doesn't. Tomorrow will be fine cos it's the new house keeper. Anyway, I thought you were gonna be brave and take the bus. Next year. You said that last year. Come on. You have a lovely day. Bye-bye. 'Shift it. Get out the way! Move!' See you around, Goodfellow. My shoelace is undone. 'Move it! Move!' Tell me about when you were a girl. Oh, Petey, you know already. Oh, alright then. When I was a girl, I lived in a big, scary house. With a black woman? No, they wore black. They were nuns, mostly Irish and mostly evil. And you were there because you were awful? No, because I was an orphan. Off you go. Have a good day. Remember to make Daddy remember. Yeah, promise. (BELL RINGS) Oh, she's here already? Sorry? The housekeeper. No, just her trunk. It arrived while you were out. It's a lovely old thing, isn't it? Mmm. Well, well, well, look at that. Grace... Is it a sign, do you think? No, I think it's a trunk. In the books I used to read as a boy, there was always a trunk like this full of treasure. You will remember to pick up Petey? Hmm? I can't this afternoon. Alright, OK. Yep. I'll write it down. I've got to take Mrs Appleby to the garden centre. Where's the pen? Pen? Oh, look at this. You've made it really nice up here. Grace should be very happy. Lillian and Brian have made love in every single room in their house. Their house is smaller. Yes, but they went round twice. I'm late for work already. Oh, what's half an hour? You take this off and you're just a man, Walter Goodfellow. Don't forget Petey then. Oh, Lord, yes. I think I wrote it down. Yip. (ALL TALK AT ONCE) Hello! Petey! Petey? Walter? Have you met Bob and Ted? We were talking about algae. Walter, where's Petey? Oh, Lord! I'm sorry. Mrs Calloway rang me about her crisis of faith. She was on the verge of losing it. I know the bloody feeling! It's God Boy! Get him! Shut up! Let's get him! This is really unnecessary! Do you wanna be pushed? I'm gonna count to three. Three. No! (LAUGHS) See you in the morning! Oh, deary, deary me. Look at you. Give me your hand, let me help you up. You look so uncomfortable. No-one has a clue where he is. I don't understand. No, I... Look! There he is! Who the bloody hell is that?! Right! (TYRES SCREECH) Hey! What are you doing with my son?! Hmm?! Come here. Oh, you must be Gloria. Get in the car. I'm sorry. I think there might be a misunderstanding. You bet your life there's a misunderstanding. Grace Hawkins. You're Grace Hawkins. Yes. Ms Hawkins, welcome to Little Wallop. Thank you, vicar. (DOG BARKS) I'm sorry about earlier, Ms Hawkins. Oh, not at all, not at all. You did the right thing. I could've been anybody. Please call me Grace. Reverend Goodfellow. Ah, Mrs Parker. May I introduce you to our new house keeper, Grace Hawkins. Mrs Parker is chairman,... chair of the St Michael's flower arranging. Which I wanted to talk to you about. And we will talk about it, Mrs Parker, but Grace has just arrived. I was wondering - The tricks... We better go in. They'll be forever. Quite unbelievable. My whole experience in 43 years... I'm well aware of the problem. Oh... Oh, this is just... (DOG BARKS) He's a persistent little fellow, isn't he? It's not what I call him. I've given it a good airing, but it's still a bit musty. Oh... Oh, no, it's perfect. It's just as I imagined. A perfect home for a perfect family. Well, let's hope they make us an offer. A sense of humour. I like that. Good, cos you're gonna need one. There you go again! (CHUCKLES) (INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT) VOICEOVER: Oh, he hasn't heard! Checked baggage is included to Aussie. Plus food and entertainment on your own device. As it should be. Book now at virginaustralia.com. * How are we gonna get that upstairs? We'll find a way. What do you think's in it? I don't know and I didn't ask. Holly. I just want to know what's in it. Memories, dear. A lifetime of memories. And a few clothes. You must be Holly. My, you're tall. You must get that from your father's side. Oh... Oh, this is David. Hi. You women certainly share a taste for good-looking fellas. Hmm? Holly, are you taking the weight? This way. Sharp left, darling. Watch it. Watch it! This door's very narrow. It's not as heavy as it looks. Might as well go down. It's fine. Mind your fingers. Oh! I don't think the occasion should go by without a few words. Walter. Just a few words, Gloria. Lord, thank you for this day and thank you for bringing us Grace, who has joined our family today and who we hope will be very happy here. And thank you also for Carl, er, Mark. David. David. David. Er, who we've also only just met, actually, but who seems to be a very, er, nice young man indeed. Amen. Right, who'd like a cup of tea? Yeah, we better get going. Right. Thank you for that, Walter, er, vicar, sorry. Oh, you're very welcome, Grace. I meant every word. Thank you. Mmm! Oh, God, you drive me crazy! Oh, God! No, stop. Stop, stop, stop! OK. I know a hotel five minutes away. Not The Ship? You know it? Of course I know it! They know me! I'm the vicar's wife! I have to drive half a day before I'm not recognised. Let's stay put. You want our first time to be in a car? I just want our first time. I'm not doing it in a car. It's the sort of thing my daughter does, for fuck's sake. She does? Look, I hear you. There's a time and a place, Lance. Like Mexico? Exactly, like Mexico. That is exactly where we're gonna be. When? Soon, I promise. Oh, I just need a break! I just need a break. Just a couple of weeks, that's all I'm asking. We're there in a heartbeat, naked and living off the fruits of love. Warm sun. Chilled tequila. Hot salsa. The music or the food? I like a bit of both! (CHUCKLES) (HORN BLARES) For fuck's sake! Night then. Whoa, a little good-night kiss. Are you crazy?! They're all watching! It's Mrs Parker! Who? Come on, she probably... She probably can't even see. Just pretend you're a taxi and go. Go on. I'll call you. What the hell am I doing? I hope you know cos I haven't got a clue. Whoa! Oh, my Lord! So you must Holly. Ooh! See you next time, sweet pea. (DOG BARKS) Oh, Jesus Christ! Can't we just have some vengeful wrath to smite the little fucker?! Then I might start listening to you again. (GASPS) Sorry. Did I startle you? No, no. Is everything OK? Oh, yes. I just wanted to thank you. Thank you very much. Not at all. It's me who should thank you really. Well, good night, dear. Good night. You know, my father was a minister. Really? That's a coincidence. So I know their little ways. Yes, I think you'll find Walter is rather set in his. You just leave him to me, dear. I think I might just do that. Shall I close the door? That would be lovely. Good night, dear. Good night. Right. (SIGHS) (DOG BARKS) Oh! (DOG BARKS) (THUDDING / DOG YELPS) Clarence! Clarence? (WHISTLES) (CURTAINS OPEN) Wakey, wakey. I thought you deserved a lie in. Breakfast is ready when you are. Oh, I slept straight through. Hmm, it makes a change. Oh! Fantastic! Grace, this is absolutely wonderful! Thank you, vicar. Here's the toast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Did you know that, Holly? I remember Mum failing to drum that into me. Good morning. As it's such a big day for you, vicar, I've given you extra. It's not such a big day, Grace. It's only fun. Can't I talk you out of it? No. It's gonna be the most embarrassing day of my life... again! It's all in a good cause. It's still embarrassing. I think it'll be fun. She's new, she'll learn. (CHEERING) Darren, Darren, here! Square it! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Chin up. I just need to warm up a bit. 'Bad luck, vicar!' Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Ooh! No, I just can't watch. Oh, Holly! Why hang around to see him humiliate himself? Don't we get that enough every Sunday? He's a handsome fellow, isn't he? What? Your husband. Come on! Cuts quite an athletic figure. Hmm... 'Move forward! Move forward!' 'Give it to Norman on the wing!' Erm, I'll be back in a minute. Well, let's cheer for your father, shall we? Come on, Dad! Come on, vicar! Hi. Perhaps next time. I really am sorry. I was waving. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. (WHISTLE BLOWS) Oh! Sorry. I'm sorry about that. Sorry. Pray for guidance, vicar! (LAUGHS) 'Come on, Derek.' It was only just in, that one. Sorry, it went right through. 'You're supposed to be stopping them!' Sorry. Oh! Argh! Oh! You alright, vicar? I'm fine. Let's get you off. I'm just winded. It's your chest. No, I'm fine, I promise you. I'm sure I could carry on. Take a breather. Are you OK, Dad? Yes, I'm fine. Bad luck, vicar. Thanks. I did my best. (CROWD CHEERS) Would you like a nice cup of tea? That sounds wonderful. Let's get your father some tea. Thank you. (CROWD APPLAUDS) To me! To me! That was some bad luck out there, Reverend. Thank you. I guess these things happen, huh? Yes. Yes, they certainly do. Well, they just did. (WHISTLE BLOWS) 'I went for the ball, Ref!' But I got to hand it to you, Walter, you sure took it like a man, I'll say that for you! (CHUCKLES) Why, thank you. Thank you. I'm sorry, I... Have we...? Oh, sorry. Lance. Lance. I see your wife. I'm her golf pro. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. She takes her golf very seriously. Yeah. Always comes on time, too. Ah, yes. She's very good like that. Very good. 'Ooh, that was close!' 'Save! Good save!' Well,... nice to meet you, Walter. Nice to meet you, Lance. Are you trying to make this as awkward as possible? We were just two guys shooting the breeze. Nothing to worry about. You can't blame a man for wanting to check out his competition. That's not the competition, that's my husband. (LAUGHS) So, guess what? I talked to my travel guy last night. Really? What did he say? When are we leaving? It's all good. 'Come on, Charlie, get that ball up!' Here you are, Petey. Thank you. I'll drive so I can show you the way, then you can. I can't. You're on my insurance. No, I can't drive. Oh. Well, it's never too late to learn. Morning. Huh? You haven't seen Clarence, have you? Er, no, afraid not. It's not like him. It's not like him at all. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Never mind. Best night's sleep I've had in a long time. Every cloud has a silver lining. (LAUGHS) Clarence, you little bugger, where are you?! Clarence! Out the way! Move! Have a good time. I've gotta order a new tracksuit. Should I come in with you? Yeah. Is that a good idea? Yeah. (MOBILE RINGS) So in Mexico they have these endless miles of perfect, glistening white sand beaches. What we're gonna do for the rest of our lives is we're gonna find our own little stretch, our little private place, just you and me. And then what I'm gonna do, is I am gonna cover your body with coconut cream every day and I am gonna start at your toes and I am gonna lick my way up slowly, all the way up to your - Well, that sounds lovely. When do we go? Fuck! (MOBILE BEEPS) How was he? Petrified. Oh, poor Petey. (MOBILE RINGS) Hello. "Gloria, I've found the perfect patch." Er, hello, Lillian. "What?" I can't really talk right now. "I have found the perfect spot." Bye. Yes, that was Lillian, an old friend of mine. Garnier Fructis Hair Food to nourish hungry hair. 98% natural, no parabens, with superfruits. Instantly absorbed with three ways to enjoy - as a conditioner, mask or leave-in. For healthy hair: Choose yours. Garnier. * Clarence! Clarence! Clarence, where are you?! Then once we broke into the boys' college in the middle of the night. We did a striptease for the lads! It wasn't any old college either, it was religion and philosophy. Is that where you met Walter? That's where I met Walter. He was a postgrad, I was a first year and he was, erm, just different from the others. Hmm. Still is. (LAUGHS) There aren't many like him around. Put your finger on here, would you? Why is it when they do find God that they lose their sense of humour? (MOBILE RINGS) Oh. Hello. Lillian again! Where are you? That was Lillian. I'm going to meet her for lunch. Lillian? I'd so like to meet her. Yes, of course. I'll sort something out. Bye-bye. Bye. God's ways are mysterious. That's why we say, "God's mysterious ways." I mean, look at Job and all that befell him. He asked the Lord, "Why are you doing all of this to me?" And God could've explained, but instead he just said, "Trust me, Job." Now that's mysterious. (SIGHS) (MIC POPS) God? (DEEP VOICE) "Yes, Walter?" How do you think it's sounding? "Well, the title stinks for a start." I, I'm sorry. Oh! I can't agree with God about that. Goodness! Grace. Hope you don't mind. No, no. I was just practising for the convention. It's very thought-provoking. Dry and boring, I think you mean. But that's me all over. Nonsense. I'm not the most vibrant of individuals. A bit serious, perhaps. You've hit the nail on the head there, Grace. Reverend Goodfellow! Reverend Goodfellow! I just wanted to speak to you about... Ms Hawkins. Mrs Parker. Er... Is it possible to have a word with you in private? It's about the Flower Arranging Committee. It's taken a turn for the worst. I have never in all my life... I have never - Mrs Parker. Mrs Parker. The reverend is practising his sermon. Er, yes, I have,... I have a convention coming up. I see. Very well. Goodbye, Mrs Parker. Hmph! Oh, dear. I hope I didn't... You know. Of course not. Goodness sake, vicar, you are a busy man. People should realise that. Right. Yes. Now,... about your sermon. Yes. Do you like jokes? Jokes? So, you see, God is really tired and he says to St Peter, "Look, Petey," he says. "I'm absolutely exhausted. I need a holiday, I really do." "Is there anywhere you can suggest?" So St Peter thinks for a bit and says, "I know. What about the moon?" And God said, "No, I don't think so." "Not the moon. There's no atmosphere." (CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's funny. I'm not finished. Then God says, "I really want something different." So St Peter says, "I know, what about Earth?" God says, "No, I went there 2,000 years ago." "I met this nice little Jewish girl and they're still talking about it." What makes you happy? Smarter ways to get around the city? Like driving past the petrol pump with the Plug-in Hybrid Electric Prius Prime ` goes up to 63km on electric alone... and has an unbelievably efficient fuel consumption. Whoa. That is clever. Plus, with Toyota Safety Sense technology, like Adaptive High Beam and Intelligent Park Assist, it's one of the smartest ways to get around ` all for a very smart Toyota Driveaway price. * I did good, huh? (LAUGHS) You look beautiful. After you. Oh! Fabulous, right? Oh, yes! And guess what? The tickets are on their way. Oh! Oh, baby. Oh! Oh, baby! Oh, this is it! Oh, God! Oh, honey! Wait. What? Let me take my clothes off first. OK. (GIGGLES) Oh, man! Oh, God Almighty! (LAUGHS) Ooh! Slow, slow, slow. (GIGGLES) Oh, yeah! Oh, God Almighty! You make me crazy! Oh, God, what's that?! What? That. This is my love pack! Oh, I know what it is, thanks. I thought you Brits liked this? No, we don't. You do not think this is hot? No. (MOBILE RINGS) You didn't turn your phone off? Hello. What? Who the hell's this?! Oh. A girl. I don't know any girls. I got it. I'll just take it off. No, no, keep it on. In fact, you can put everything back on. I think we've had quite enough for today. Good Lord! "Giggle with God." Well, I never... (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) Is everything alright, vicar? It's just so quiet, Grace. Lovely, isn't it? Have a good afternoon. And you. (SNIGGERS) Very good. (BELL RINGS / KIDS SHOUT) You gonna read the bible tonight? Leave me alone. Is your dad gonna make you pray... Shut up! ..that you're not gonna get hurt? Go away! Leave me alone! Run to Granny, you prat. Are you alright? Yeah. ..I was making fart noises. The teacher turned around, Mr Harris. I got in so much trouble. (GENTLE MUSIC) (MUSIC SWELLS) (QUIRKY MUSIC) VOICEOVER: Hey, Auckland, which of the Youi 40 ways to save would work best for where you live? Grey Lynn, close to the city, is where Ava lives, so number 1 of 40 - "Don't drive to work" - could be best for her. Titirangi, where most people have off-street parking, is Rick's suburb, so number 24 - "Park securely at night" - could be best for him. Why not see which of the 40 ways apply to you? You could save lots. Get a quote online at youi.co.nz and save 15%. * I was wondering... If you had a magic word, what word would it be? I mean, what's your favourite word? Favourite word? Hmm. Broccoli. Broccoli?! Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, well, why not? (KIDS SHOUT IN THE DISTANCE) It's alright, Petey. It's alright. You just close your eyes. Keep them closed. Now say the magic word. Broccoli. Now open them and see what happens. (KIDS CONTINUE TO SHOUT) Look, there's God Boy! It's alright. You're dead, God Boy! Yeah, you're dead! (GASPS) My brakes aren't working! I can't stop! Argh! Argh! Argh! Whoo-hoo! Argh! Who's that? It's Billy Martin! (LAUGHS) Well, good old broccoli! (CHUCKLES) Shall we have some for supper? (DISTANT TALKING) Hi, Mum. You know, flour can be so sensual. ..it took me three months to find a priest for the wedding. How long do you think it'll take me to find a lawyer? (LAUGHS) I like it. Gloria, you're back. This is Mark, er, David. Er... Grant. Grant. Now this is a good one. Holly! Holly, come and listen to this! Sit down. So, "This vicar is stopped for speeding and the policeman smells alcohol and sees an empty bottle of wine on the passenger-side floor and he says, 'Have you been drinking, Reverend?' And the vicar says, all innocent, like,"... .."all innocent, li-"... "And the vicar says, all innocent-like, 'Just water, Officer.'" "And the policeman looks over to the bottle and says, 'That looks like wine to me.' 'Wine?!' cries the vicar." "'Good Lord, he's done it again!'" (LAUGHS) That's funny. Yes, it is quite funny, isn't it? (FRONT DOOR CLICKS SHUT) Mummy! Mummy! Billy Martin came after me but Grace was there and all I said was broccoli and now he's dead! Billy Martin's dead! Whoo-hoo! My, aren't you a busy bee?! Grace, this is Grant. Alright? Ah! Oh, is it Halloween? (CHUCKLES) Jokes, Grace, and lots of them! Oh, well done, you! Ohhhh...! Billy Martin IS DEAD! Isn't this nice? Could we have a word? Billy Martin's dead? Oh, good Lord, no! No, he's not dead, he's just unconscious. But please don't tell Petey cos he's so excited! (CHUCKLES) Grace, can you come and look at the pie? Yes, of course, dear. I've fucked up big time. I don't think she should use that language, I really don't. (SIGHS) Let me get this straight. My, erm,... my son has wrote off his bullies,... my husband has become a comedian... ..and my nymphomaniac daughter has discovered cookery. (What's going on, hm?) (RUSTLING) (GASPS) (GASPS) (Oh, I'm so sorry!) (I'm so sorry. Did I wake you?) (No, not at all.) (Did I disturb you and Walter?) (Chance'd be a fine thing!) (Erm, good night.) (Good night.) (You know, men do sometimes lose their way, dear.) (I mean, Walter is a sweet soul but he's a bit... slow witted, like the rest of them.) (I'm sure he'll find his way back to you in the end.) (So you were married, too?) (Yes, I was. A long time ago.) (And did he lose his way?) (With a little help from another woman.) (Ohhhh.) (Completely lost his head over her.) (Do you have a couple of minutes?) You sit down. I've got something to show you. Here it is. (CHUCKLES) Look,... that's me when I was six. Oh, sweet. I was a live wire. Was? Here he is. That's him. (GASPS) What was his name? Arthur. He's very dapper. Mm. I was a fool for a handsome fella. And I was young. I was young. I was very young. Too young. And then he,... ..he dabbled and that was that. Walter only dabbles with God nowadays. In that case, he'll come back to you. God would never stand in the way of such a beautiful young woman. (BREATHES DEEPLY) (SIGHS) (Will you find your way back to me,... hm?) (Could you?) (SNORTS) (THUNDER RUMBLES) Clarence,... is that you?! Clarence? (GASPS) (LIGHTNING CRACKS) Oh, my God, Clarence. (SOBS) '(CLANGING)' (CHURCH BELLS TOLL) Do you think he's found that bloody dog yet? Mr Brown's on holiday. Is he? Mm. Where's he gone? I think he said down under. Oh! Hey. So, erm,... ..I have been up every night thinking if we only ever get one chance at true happiness in our entire lives, Gloria, that nobody should ever die without having found it. (I'm not alone.) Huh? I'm not... alone. Er... So, erm,... I talked to my guy and Mexico is on. (LAUGHS) And I got a date - tomorrow. What?! (LAUGHS) I told ya, I move fast. That's too fast. Change it. I can't, the tickets are booked. Well, change the tickets. Honey, they're booked. You can't change them? Gloria,... this is everything we've been dreaming of. And the hotel? Hotel's perfect. On the beach, like you said? Of course. I mean, walking distance. I mean, seconds. The best hotels are on the beach, Lance. Gloria, this is so much better than a hotel. Oh, for fuck's sake, it's a time-share! Here we are. Oh, Grace. Grace, this is Lance, my golf instructor, and, Lance, this is Grace, our housekeeper. It is very nice to meet you, Grace. Gloria's told me all about you. You're American? Yes. That obvious, huh? Huh. (LAUGHS) Well, yeah. Well, please, don't let me interrupt you. Oh, sorry! We were just talking about, erm, our next session, our practice session, of golf, weren't we, Lance? Right, practice session. We can talk about it later, though, can't we? Well, actually, I kinda need to know now. It can't wait? It's all confirmed. Well, I have concerns. What... kind of... concerns? I just want to make sure we have the right equipment, the right kit. I'm not sure we have the right wood. (LAUGHS) Hey, er, you are, er, talkin' to me here. You do not have to worry yourself about the wood. Yes or no, Gloria? Alright. OK. Good. Well, it's nice to meet you, Lance. It's a pleasure to meet you, too, Grace. What, er, five o'clock, the place? The usual place? OK. OK. Well, er, you ladies have a lovely lunch. He's got a marvellous swing. Has he? "'I visit 2,000 years ago, I meet this nice Jewish girl and they're still talking about it!'" Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah. "But, joking aside, it's true." "2,000 years later and we are still talking about it and that's because it's something worth talking about." Oh, Grace! Er, these jokes, things come alive! They really do. Excellent! You're doing really well, vicar. Thank you. Now,... have you thought about sex? Er,... sex? Yes. Erm,... for the convention or...? The Bible is full of sex. Haven't you noticed? The Bible? Mm-hm. The Song of Solomon, for example. Ah! Ah, no, now, that is the passionate declaration of love from a devout man to God. No, it's about sex. Right. There. You read it again, Reverend,... ..and I'll make you a cup of tea. '"Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for thy love is better than wine."' '"His fruit was sweet to my taste."' '"His left hand is under my head and his right hand doth embrace me."' '"Behold, thou art fair, my love."' '"Behold, thou art fair."' '"Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet."' '"Thine eyes are as doves behind the veil."' '"And comely is thy mouth."' '"Thy two breasts are like fawns feeding among the lilies."' '"Thy navel is like a round goblet, wherein no mingled wine is wanting."' '"Thy belly is like a heap of wheat set about with lilies."' '"Let thy breasts be as clusters on the vine and thy mouth like the best wine."' '"Open to me, my dove, for my head is filled with the drops of the night."' '"Come, my beloved."' '"Let us see if the vine flourishes and the tender grapes appear and the pomegranates bud forth."' (Oh!) (Show time!) (CHUCKLES) (C'mon. C'mon to Uncle Lance.) (LAUGHS) (No, no, no, no! Come back!) (Ohhhh, yeah!) (Oh, my Lord, they're just like little rose petals!) (Ohhhh!) (Oh! Oh, bingo!) (LAUGHS) (Oh, God, Lance, you're a lucky man!) Good evening. > Good evening. Can I help you? Er,... Grace, right? Yes. Hi. Mm-hm? I've lost my... Have you seen my wallet? I seem to have dropped it... (THUDDING) Oof! '(THUDDING)' Got my pen, got my speech and I'm really rather nervous. Oh, you'll be fine! And I'll be thinking of you. Good. Jesus Christ, you two, put it away! Mmmmmmmwah! Bye. Bye-bye to you. Bye, Dad. Cheerio, Petey. Bye, Dad. Goodbye, sweetheart. Grace... Forgotten something, darling? Have you seen Mr Brown lately? No. He's in Australia. I hope the convention goes well. Yes, thank you, Grace. Goodbye, all. Reverend Goodfellow! Reverend Goodfellow! Mrs Parker? About the Flower Arranging Committee. I - Which I will be more than happy to talk to you about in a few days when I'm back. Oh,... I see! Ohhhh! I noticed that your housekeeper was having a great deal of trouble with her car last night. Her... car? Mm. Ah, that's not Grace's car, Mrs Parker. It's not? No. Ohhhh! (CONTINUES TALKING) I've seen it there often enough. At first I thought it was a taxi. (SIGHS) Well, goodbyes are never easy. But it's not forever, dear. Hello. It's me. Erm, it's after five and I'm here and you're not, so, er... It's funny, actually, because I only came here to tell you that I'm not coming but I guess you... beat me to it. Erm,... perhaps you're already there with one of those girls, you know, one of those girls you don't know. (SIGHS) Have a nice life, Lance. * (TV CHATTER) (SIGHS) Oh, there you are. Er, dinner's at eight? He didn't show up, then? What?! Your American. The golf instructor. Your... practice session. No, no, he didn't. He, erm,... he's sick. Oh. He, erm... Yeah, he - he called it off. Yes. "Rosemary Jones, Bill." "Don't get me started on Rosemary Jones!" "It really is a sorry day in a sad society when someone like her is released!" "Well, I think we have some pictures. Do we?" "Yes, here she is, the Trunk Murderer - they found her husband and his mistress chopped up in her luggage." (TV CHATTER CONTINUES) Mum... Mm? Mum, I think you'd better see this. Mum! "She has demonstrated the capacity to change!" "No, the point is that she's out loose and among us now!" "Are you trying to say that she's up to her old tricks again?!" "I wouldn't put it past her!" (TV CHATTER CONTINUES) Oh, my God. God's Mysterious Ways. I think it's a good title, Reverend. Really? I really do. I like it. Well, thank you. And they will like it, too, I'm sure. I'm taking a look! (I don't think it's the right way to go about it!) (Holly!) Have you ever seen inside it? (No.) Exactly. (Hang on.) (DOWNSTAIRS) Gloria, dear?! (BOTH GASP) Holly?! Are you up there?! (ADVANCING FOOTSTEPS) Ohhhh! Shit! Oh, God! Hello?! Are you in here?! Alright. Please be there, Lance. Who's Lance? (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) (RINGING IN TRUNK) (ADVANCING FOOTSTEPS) (RINGING STOPS) Oh, where is it? (CHUNTERS) Oh, here we are. Oh, how does this work again? "Missed call, press green." "(BEEPING)" (CLEARS THROAT) (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Hello? This is Grace speaking. Would you like to come out from under the bed? Coming. ..and great to see so many new faces here today. And some old friends. Morgan, great result for the rugby. Now, er, down to the more serious business of the day - our opening address. I would like to introduce the Reverend Walter Goodfellow from the parish of Little Wallop! (SILENCE) Good evening. "(SCREECHING)" "(SCREECHING)" Er, good evening, er, gentlemen. Er, ladies and gentlemen. Erm, i-i-it's an honour... to, erm, to deliver the opening address of the convention. Er, and my subject is cod's mysterious ways. Er, erm,... er, GOD'S,... GOD'S mysterious ways. I'm sorry, I'm sure... that cod have mysterious ways,... (ALL LAUGH) ..erm, but it's the mysterious ways of God that I wanted to talk about this evening. Cod will just have to wait for their own convention. (ALL LAUGH) So, God's mysterious ways. I'm so glad we can have this little chat. What have you done with Lance, Rosemary? Do you know, I prefer Rosie - it takes me back to my childhood. What have you done with Lance, ROSIE? Who the hell's Lance? Ah! Yes, well, that's,... that's the question. You see, Lance,... ..Lance liked to make films. Can you work this, dear? "(Show time!)" "(CHUCKLES)" "(C'mon to Uncle Lance.)" Oh! Who the hell is this guy?! I'll kill him! That won't be necessary, dear. "(Oh, my Lord, they're just like little rose petals!)" What?! Not the type you would have been happy with in the end, dear. Don't change the subject! You have a dead man in your trunk! No, no, he's not in my trunk, dear, he's in his car. And that wasn't just ANY man, was it, Gloria? That was your lover. That was your lover? You've got to understand, Holly, your mother's been very unhappy. And lonely. Your father, well, he's a busy man and along comes this handsome American with his accent and his swing... (SIGHS) Not the type I would approve of at all. You can't kill people just cos you don't approve of them! That's what my doctors used to say. It was the one point we could never agree on. I could see, your affair was ruining the whole family. (SIGHS) The whole family! You can't expect me to sit back and do nothing, can you?! Yes, because it has nothing to do with you! It has everything to do with me! It's the least a mother can do for her daught,... her daughter. That's something else... we need to have a little chat about. They'd send me photos now and again - the nuns. And this is one of your mother when she was your age. Wow! Mum, you look gorgeous! (SNIFFS) Aren't we forgetting the small matter of dead bodies? How did you know about the other bodies? What other bodies? Oh, you didn't know about the other bodies? What other bodies?! Oh,... just Mr Brown's dog. And Mr Brown. You killed them, too? I did it for you, dear. My mother. Oh, I've,... I've waited so long for you to call me that! (BLOWS NOSE) So,... what do we do now? And when I'm asked, "Why do vicars always answer a question by posing another question?" I always reply, "Well, why shouldn't we?" (ALL LAUGH) But what in the end all this comes down to is how we deal in life with the problems that we have to face. Sometimes it's a question of just taking action, of making decisions, of... involving others, of finding your resolve... and seeing it through,... ..but at other times it's about something much less tangible. Sometimes all it takes is a little... grace. Erm,... ..a little of God's grace... ..and all our problems... seem to fade away. Now, should we demand an explanation from our Lord, question His methods, or should we merely... enjoy the benefits? Well,... I don't think the Good Lord wants us to question... too much. Isaiah Chapter 55, verse 8 - "My ways are not your ways." And I think what he basically means by that is,... .."I'm mysterious, folks." "Live with it." (ALL LAUGH) Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. (GASPS) (Oh, Jesus Christ, I can't do it!) (It's alright.) (I didn't chop him up or anything.) (Oh, for God's sake!) (Where are you going?!) (I'm not doing it.) (But I can't drive.) (I'm not getting in the car.) (But I'm a learner - officially I need someone with me.) (I think, under the circumstances, the normal rules do not apply!) (Grace, wait!) (Who is it?) (Mrs Parker.) (Ohhhh!) (Well, I suppose I'll just have to use the pond again.) (Again?!) (Actually, no, I don't want to know. I-I-I'm going to go inside and you just do whatever you have to do.) And I thought being an orphan was a bad thing. Ugh! (CHUNTERS) Oh, my... God, he's really stiff! Oh, Holly, do you have to?! I've never seen anything like this before. Oh, my God! Ohhhh, my God! Oh, my... God, that's...! It's just not fair. (SPLASHING) Other daughters, they get to... plan weddings and bake cakes and go shopping with their mothers. And what do I do? Dispose of dead bodies! I could say the same, you know. Oh! Shall I put the kettle on? VOICEOVER: Sarah's been looking forward to this all week. But how will her denture cope with a steak? Luckily for Sarah, this isn't a worry, because she's discovered Polident Adhesive. It holds her denture tight and gives her 65% more chewing power... ..leaving Sarah to dig in and enjoy the tastiest of T-bones. Polident Adhesive - helping you enjoy the foods you love. * Men have been the downfall of the Jones women for as long as there have been Jones women. You have to be careful about the types you bring home, dear. Wild and dangerous might be appealing now but you're on the same road. So, what, you'd rather I get me a boyfriend like Dad? You would, wouldn't you? There's nothing wrong with your father. I knew you were a bitch to him but I always thought you loved him. (GASPS) I do love him. I do love him. Then, what about the letch? I'm assuming Dad doesn't know about him? Because I don't think he should. I don't think he should know... anything. Right, Grace? Mum's the word, dear. Oh, you're awake! I brought you some tea. Thank you. Erm,... Mrs Parker. Yeah? Last night, do you think she might've seen something? No. Why? She's on her way over. Well, that doesn't mean to say she saw anything. Who? What are you talking about? Mrs Parker. Last night she might have seen something. She did not see anything last night! She saw you last night?! No! Possibly. (DOORBELL CHIMES) Oh, my God! (I'll see to her.) No, you'll stay right here! You've seen to quite enough already! Oh, my God! Keep calm. Keep calm. Mrs Goodfellow,... er, did I wake you? Actually, yes. I was hoping your husband would be home. I need to speak to him. No, Mrs Parker, he's away. He's on a three-day convention. It's about the, erm... It's about the Flower Arranging Committee. Oh. Erm,... well, you'll have to talk to him, really, not me. Cynthia Martin has been doing her level best to undermine my leadership. Mm. I believe she's planning a coup. A coup? Behind my back, yes. Er, if you don't mind, I just... need to sit... Oh! Behind my back and behind the reverend's back, as well. It's a disgrace. I would even go as far as saying it is immoral. And, knowing what I know now, I don't see how I can keep quiet. (Shit, Grace, she knows!) And when the reverend finds out, he will be mortified, I can assure you. (Grace!) I am going to tell him. (Grace, no!) No matter how much damage it does, he must be told. I'm sure Walter will have a quiet word with Cynthia Martin and it will all be sorted out. But it's not just Mrs Martin, that's the point. They've all got their sordid little agendas. In 60 years, Mrs Goodfellow, I have never known anything like it. And in my condition, too. It's really affecting my heart, you know. I really do wish it didn't have to come to this but it does. Your husband must be told! That's quite enough, Mrs Parker! No! Out of the way! What are you doing?! I will not have this family torn apart! What?! She knows, Mum! She was gonna tell Dad! About the committee! The Flower Arranging Committee! This has nothing to do with anything else that... Mrs Parker?! Oh, dear! Mrs Parker, can you hear me? Shit, i-i-is she...? Yes, I believe she is. Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God! She said herself she had a dicky heart. I think you might have a dicky heart if someone came at you with a frying pan! It was a misunderstanding. It could happen to anybody. This cannot go on! I've had enough! I understand you're upset, dear. Too right! I've got two dead bodies, one in my pond and one here! No, you've got three in the pond cos - No, Grace, I do not want to know. This has gone too far and I mean it! I understand. It's not as though anyone's gonna miss her. Mum,... Dad's back. (FRONT DOOR CLICKS OPEN) < Hello?! Hello?! There we are. Shit, Dad. Hello, sweetheart. Hi, Dad! I tell you, I've had the best... (PANICKED CHATTER) I was saying, I've had the best convention. Hello, everyone. Oh, Mrs Parker, how are you this morning? She's fine. Darling! Oh, I thought it was three days! It was going to be but - It's so lovely to see you! Bye, Dad! I want to hear all about it. Oh, well, I delivered my sermon. Mm-hm. Erm... And how did it go? Very well. I even had them laughing. Oh, gosh! But you know what was really amazing? What happened afterwards, because I was getting praise from everybody - the council and my peers, and normally that would be... But do you know what I was thinking? Why am I here... You've always been a deep thinker. ..when what matters most to me... ..is back home? Oh, my darling! So... they made love in every room in the house, did they? Lillian and Brian. And they went round twice. Twice? I think we have got some catching up to do. Oh,... no, I must see to Mrs Parker. Oh, gosh, yes! Er, do you need me? No, no, it's the committee. Oh, dear God, that committee! It'll be the death of her! Mrs Parker's sudden passing came as a dreadful shock to us all but, as we well know, God does move in mysterious ways, which reminds me of a keynote address which I delivered recently of which I think Mrs Parker would have approved. Excellent sermon, Reverend Goodfellow. Thank you. Thank you. Goodbye. (It was. It was very good.) Reverend Goodfellow. Mrs Martin. I wonder if we might have a talk about the Flower Arranging Committee this week. Er, no, but perhaps next week. I will let you know. Oh,... very well. Goodbye. Thank you. (KNOCKS AT DOOR) Who is it? It's me. Oh, come in. I think this is for the best, don't you? 'My dearest Gloria, it was a slice of heaven to finally meet you, my dear.' 'You have made a mad old woman a very happy mad old woman.' 'I'll miss you and your beautiful family, but I'll be visiting. Just you try and stop me.' 'Love to you all,... Mother.' 'Dear Mother, how many months has it been now? Two? Three? Four?' 'Yet still we talk about you all the time.' 'We're looking forward to your visit. Lots planned for the family.' '"So, what's new and exciting here in Little Wallop?" you may ask.' 'Holly's got herself a nice new boyfriend - she said you'd be pleased with her choice. He's not like the others.' 'I actually believe he might be a calming influence on her.' 'Petey's doing very well. Turning into a quite confident young man.' (CHUCKLES) ..which reminds me of the time an Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a vicar, a rabbi and a priest all walk into a pub. The barman says, "What is this, some kind of joke?" (ALL LAUGH) 'Walter's a changed man, too. I'd even go so far as to say that our life here together is complete.' Matters Arising. 3A - the altar. 'I'm by his side in all the ways he needs, just like he's by mine in all the ways I need.' Mrs Parker felt not enough was being done to this part of the railings... 'By the time you read this, you'll have started your new job. Good luck and I hope there are no hitches. But something tells me wherever you are, you'll do just fine.' (KNOCK AT DOOR) Well, it's not very... Ah, darling. You remember Bob and Ted. I'm afraid it's as we feared. The pond. Algae. Blue-green algae. Er, blue-green algae, which apparently is,... ..is quite serious? Very serious. Very serious. Very serious. So, we're just discussing the options. As I explained to Revd Goodfellow, your pond is in the water table, so the algae doesn't just affect you. It affects the whole village. And the blue-green algae is one of the worst you can get. Mmm. So, there's really just the one option actually. Yes. As he says, really there's just the, er, just the one option. Which is? Drain it. Drain it. Shall I put the kettle on? (BELLS PEAL) 'So, between you and us, I'd say life is good. Very good indeed.' 'No dramas, no crises. Just ambles along in its quiet, merry way.' 'A couple of hiccups here and there, of course. Like the pond, which now, they say, needs draining. Bit of a fuss, as you can imagine.' 'But I'm sure we'll sort something out.' IMS Subtitles Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for thy love is better than wine. His fruit was sweet to my taste. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me. Behold. Thou art fair, my love.