Subtitles by Deluxe Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019 # MAJOR LAZER: Get Free # Heading downstream till the levee gives in # And my dreams are wearing thin # All I need's relief, I need, I need some sympathy # Look at me, I just can't believe # What they've done to me We could never get free # I just wanna be # Look at me # I just can't believe what they've done to me # We could never get free # I just wanna be, I just wanna dream # We're all together in the same boat # I know you, you know me # Baby, I just wanna be # I just wanna dream # I just wanna dream (WIND GUSTS) All right, boys. Here we go. Nice and easy. Oh, man, Mitch, if you weren't here... I'm always here. Don't worry, your friend's gonna be all right. Are you Batman? Sure, pal. Just bigger. And browner. Boys, get him in. Have a good run, Mitch. All right, Steph. Yeah, Mitch! Yo, Eros! How's it looking out there? Lippers are feebs today. Just eggy. Ah, eggy beyond, brah. Nuggin' higher outside than a full-on gazebo. Good call, brah. Come on. (BOTH GRUNT) All right, brah-brah! Shit, brah. Come on, Pete. Hey, Mitch! You don't have to do this every day. I want to. You saved my sister's life. I won't forget. Tomorrow make my pecs bigger. And don't cover up my front bump. You got it. Huge dick. Big dick. Yo, Ellerbee. Hey, Mitch. Why don't you leave my boys alone, get off this big wheel and join me for a run? I need to work out? I'm looking smaller? No! You're looking big. I don't know how you fit in that uniform. Yeah? If I had a sister, I'd introduce you to her, man. All right. Wait, was that sarcastic? Like calling a tall guy Shorty? Dammit, he always does that! I heard he invented Google and gave it all to charity. I heard he invented the cure for the common cold. He ain't Superman, he's a damn county lifeguard. Grown man wears spandex to work. So does Superman. Hey, fuck you! Get off my beach! I don't even have to stretch to guard you. Let's go. ALL: Ohhh! Ahh! Not on my beach, Arian! What up, Vern? What's up? He saved my nana's life. I ever tell you that? Every time he jogs by. Literally, every time. Hi, Mitch. (GIGGLES) Flakka. Jesus. Hey, what's up, buddy? Hey, Mitch. Hey, can I see that? Ah... Where did you get this? Right there. Right there, huh? Is this the only one? All right. I know you have to test for image stabilisation, but why at the beach? I hate the beach. I gotta get back to work at the Huntley. I'm sorry, but the beach is important, OK? It's... It's, you know, the wind and the, er... Just... # Ooh, that's why I'm easy # I'm easy like Sunday morning # That's why I'm easy... # (LAUGHS) I get it. I get it now, OK. I get it. Who? What, CJ? No, I didn't know she was working today. "I didn't know CJ was working." Shut up. Hey, Ronnie! Ha... It's Ronnie, right? What the fuck? Yeah, it's Ronnie. I'm Dave. Hi. Nice to meet you. CJ. How you doing? I'm OK. You're trying out today, right? Er... I saw your name on the board. That's how I... Pa... Say` Say something. Kinda feel like this is your year. (GIBBERS) Stop that. Er... OK. Erm... Well, I'll see you at try-outs. Yeah, all right, CJ. Ha... That was amazing to watch. She came up to you, she was very nice, warm. And you handled it really smoothly. Really? Fuck, no. That was awkward. It was horrible. Fuck! Did you have a stroke? # Baby girl, you carry ten ton of phatness, gimme some of that # Mixed with the badness, look how she hot # Shaped like goddess, but not just that # It's a good piece of mentals under the cap # Hypnotic the way you move Let me acknowledge the way you do # And I would not lie, baby, you beam me up like Scotty # Baby girl # It's so hypnotic, the way you move # That's why I wanted to get to you # And I would not lie, baby, you move so hypnotic # No lie, feel your eyes, they all over me # Don't be shy, take control of me # Get the vibe, it's gonna be lit tonight # Girl, we never miss # No lie... Hey, I'm Matt Brody. And not a single fuck was given. Ooh! # No lie # Feel your eyes, they all over me # Don't be shy, take control of me... Hey, Ronnie. Oh, hey, Steph. Welcome back. Thanks. Third time's a charm, right? Yeah, yeah, you know, I'm... Hey. I'm more motivated than ever. You gonna make me guess your name? Are you following me? I was just gonna ask you the same thing. OK. Look, you're hot. I may resist for a while, but we both know eventually I'll give in. So let's just skip that. Why don't you put a baby in me? Now. You know, honestly... I was thinking dinner first. But we could try the baby thing. You are trying. Way too hard. Trying's the best part. Summer. Hi. I was hoping we'd see you here. I couldn't sleep. I am so excited. It's your day today, Summer. Thank you. You're welcome. Hey, fresh face. You here for the qualifiers? Er, no, no, I'm not trying out. I'm already on the team. You're on this team? I'm Matt Brody. Ready for duty. Ready for duty? Oh, OK. Erm, you got any papers or anything like that? I do. There you go. Oh, it's a permission slip. Literally. "I am pleased to write you on behalf of Matt Brody." Right. Well, no free passes. Whoa. At all. Yeah, cos I don't give a shit. I legit needed those for my taxes. If you're gonna be on this team, you gotta earn it. Really? Yeah. So why don't we start over, just like gentlemen? Where you from, One Direction? Erm... Iowa. Iowa? You heard of it? Yeah, I know what it is. Hey, Steph. Hey. New Kids On The Block here is from Iowa. Oh, man. He says he's already on the team. Doesn't have to try out. Really? Yeah, absolutely. Let me ask you this. A lot of oceans in Iowa? No, just ponds and lakes and cocky pretty boys. Cocky pretty boys. What happened to that last pretty boy recruit we had? He died. RIP. Are you guys being serious right now? I honestly can't tell. You show up here, matching bathing suits. What is this, "lifeguard hazing"? I'm Matt Brody. I hold the world record in the 200 metres. Two gold medals. Hey! Matt Brody! Matt Brody! Yes, yes! Absolutely! And we still... BOTH: ...Don't give a fuck. No, fresh out. Fresh out of fucks. Yeah. OK, that ocean out there has riptides that'll tear your little mangina in two. My mangina? So you are being serious. Dead serious right now, NSYNC, all right? This ain't no little fucking pond. So with all due respect, you wanna be on our team, you're gonna have to earn it. Look, I get it. You're big, Sasquatch. But I'm fast. Really fucking fast. Which is why somebody important thinks I belong here. So when you two figure out who the fuck I am, you can find me on the beach. See ya. Did that really just happen? It did. He slapped me. Wow. Yeah. His hands were soft and supple, like a woman. No offence. None taken. You know what? I gotta tell you, I'm feeling really good about this year. You know what I'm saying? Good luck out there, man. Good luck. Thanks. And if you need some extra motivation... Looking at it right there. Hey... (CHOKES) You OK? Help! CJ, help! My friend is choking! Help! No, not CJ. Not CJ. No, no! Are you OK? You're choking. (GRUNTS) # Cos I don't know where to look for love # I just don't know how # Oh, girl (GASPS) Oh, God. Are you OK? You're gonna be just fine. Ronnie. What? Oh! Thank you! (CRUNCHING) Ronnie, are you OK? Oh, yeah. Yeah, no, no, no. Are you sure? Yeah, yeah. No, don't touch, don't touch. OK. I'm so good. You did good, good, good work. Good job. Thank you. You can go now. OK. Erm, drink some water... Thank you so much. ..I guess. OK. Dave! Yeah. How does it look? How does what look? Down there. It does not look good at all. What does it look like? Looks like your dick is trapped between two slats of wood. OK, I just... Fuck, I can't reach. I need you to get down there and pop it out. No, I can't do that at all. I just need you... No! No! Grab that dick and push it out. OK. Hi. Ohh! I'm gonna help you. We're gonna deflate the situation together. OK? OK. Focus. Think about things that turn you off. Maybe like, erm... Like your grandma's underwear? Uh-uh. Not working. No? OK, cool. Maybe, like... Ostriches. Guys, still stuck. Mitch, hey, need you. No, no, not Mitch. Hey. Hey, Mitch is here. Ronnie, you pumped about the qualifiers? You know it, man. I'm really excited to quit my double major in robotics and computer science and do something with my life. You don't need to look there. Do not touch me. Not even touching you. OK. (EXHALES) Wow. OK. You got your beef and your biscuits stuck down there. It's gonna be OK. I've been through it, too. Not a big deal. Really? Yeah, absolutely. I was stuck in a woman for hours once. Couldn't get out. Totally the same, yeah. It's the same thing. Stuck junk is stuck junk. Stuck junk is st-st-stuck junk. OK. All right, buddy, we're gonna have to flash-freeze your Johnson. No, no, it's OK, it's OK, I got it. Oh, my God. Nope. Still stuck. (GROANS) If you think about it, it's a good thing. Congratulations. (LAUGHS) Hey, er, how you feeling, sport? Better, but could we get some sort of perimeter going for the crowd? Nah. Nobody's looking. You're lying. That's a lot of people. Mitch, I can't get the swelling to go down. All right. We're gonna have to pull it out. Pull it? Yeah. Just like pulling a tooth. What? Don't you touch my dick! I'm OK. (GROANS) Ronnie, are you OK? Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm proud of you. Fuck you, Dave. You're my worst friend. Captain, I need to talk to you... Yeah, Mitch. You're just in time. I want you to watch something. Check this out. "Matt Brody, US swimmer, sex symbol and adrenaline junkie." "How do I define myself? 80% trill and 30% dope. "People think I'm crazy, out of control. How do you think I got all this gold?" "That may have worked for individual events, but in the relay, Brody blew it for the team." "USA is in the lead for the team relay and Brody's in the water to anchor. Oh, my God! Looks like he just vomited in the pool." "After a night of partying in Rio led to a streak of bad luck in the pool, Brody was dubbed the Vomit Comet." "How do you feel about losing a medal for your teammates?" "There's no I in team. But there is a me." "Are you dyslexic?" "I'm Caucasian. (CHUCKLES)" This is the guy you think is a good PR opportunity for us? Wow. Right? He's reckless, insubordinate. Come on! Which is why we can afford him. Come on, Mitch. He's only here because he took a plea deal. A plea deal? For what? The specifics aren't important. What's important is that we are his community service. Come on. He's a train wreck. With two gold medals. How many gold medals do you have? Probably zero. OK? Brody is an American hero with the face of a Swedish model. You're losing me. One of the world's best swimmers. There's more to this job than swimming. Yeah, there's also politics. Now, look, Mitch, let's be honest. We're staring into the abyss here. City council's already cut our funding again. What the council wants and the bay needs are different things. I found more flakka this morning. Clearly we have new dealers in the bay. And this shit is like bath salts on meth. Wow, flakka? Good work, Mitch. I'll turn this over to the police. This new guy is not ready for this kind of trouble. He doesn't need to be and neither do you. OK? It's not your job. It's the busiest time of the year. I need you out there shining for me. All right, I'll do it. Yes! But he's gotta pass qualifiers. You got it. Which should be easy considering he's the best swimmer in the world, right? Good afternoon, Councilman. Good afternoon. So, how's our progress? Most of the council has signed off on your terms. Good. And the rest are almost there. Almost? (SIGHS) Councilman, you seem like the kind of man who knows how to seize an opportunity. Me, too. Back home, my younger brother was given the family business to run when clearly I had the business gene. Why? Because I'm a woman. So I came to America, the Land of Opportunity, because everything is fair here. But who's to say any more? I have a point to prove, Councilman. And I'm here to create an opportunity for you. I'm sure they'll come around. I'm sure they will, too. Tonight, I'll be eating a Meatball Melt Subway Footlong Sub and a Double Choc Chip Cookie from Subway. (DOORBELL DINGS) Whoa, whoa! What are you doing? Lighting! It's important. Why does she always look like she's running in slow-mo? You see it, too? She always looks wet. But not too wet. Right. She's the reason I believe in God. Hey, how's your dick? Oh, er, it's good, you know... It's better, you know, it's... It's just ready for action. (LAUGHS) OK. OK. OK. I got my dick stuck in a chair earlier. What? You did? Yeah. You haven't heard about this? I heard. Everybody's heard. Welcome, everybody. Baywatch proudly accepts only one new recruit every year. But the good news for you is that this year, we've got three open spots. Now, without further ado, I'd like to turn it over to the man who has 500 career saves. Give it up for Lieutenant Mitch Buchannon. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) All right! Thank you. Thank you. Baywatch is the elite of the elite. Our team's commitment to protecting the bay at all costs is the reason why the single mom behind me feels very comfortable letting her two kids run right into the water unaccompanied. Thanks, Mitch. That's right. And Baywatch works because we follow rules. We follow rules because if we don't, people die. You work in an office and you doze off at your desk one day, no big deal. You slack off here... Say it with me... ALL: People die. So if you've come to Baywatch on your little motorcycle, thinking you're cool, working on your killer tan, you need to find another beach to go to. But if you've come to sacrifice for something bigger than yourself, this is the beach for you. But you're gonna have to get through this first. CJ? Yeah, CJ! There are tons of qualities that make a great lifeguard. We're gonna test all of them in a obstacle course we like to call The Absentee Father. He's tough. Brutal, even. His presence in your life is brief, but it will scar you and instil a toughness in you that will carry you through birthdays, Christmases and even Bring Your Dad To School Day when your mom puts on a fake moustache just so you can fit in! All right. Thank you, CJ! Thank you. So get out there, kick ass and make us proud. Go, Baywatch! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) On your mark! Get set! (BLOWS WHISTLE) (CHEERING) Whoo! This is Baywatch, people! Kick those legs! Let's go! Let's go! Keep it going! Keep it going! You are guppies! One day you will be sharks! Pick it up, folks. Move those legs! Who's your daddy now? Come on, guys! (CHEERING) Come on, guys! Let's go! Hustle, hustle, hustle! Let's go! You got this! Come on! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Up and over! Whoooo! Let's go, come on! Come on, you're almost there! Kid's really got no quit in him. Aghhhh! Attaboy, Ronnie! Great job! Great! Oh, fuck. You know, you wanna be on our team, you're gonna have to pass this course. We all do. Look. Mitch, right? Lieutenant to you. Lieutenant? Like in the army? Let me save you some time, OK? You're not gonna be my big brother here and put me on the right path. It doesn't work like that. I got where I am today completely by myself. So how about you let me do my job and I'll tell you where to send my cheques? You know, sharks always swim slowly. Until they need to attack. Thank you for that cryptic and irrelevant piece of information. What are you, Aquaman? Cos I'm really confused with what we've been talking about. Come on, Gold Medal. You afraid I'm gonna kick your Little Mermaid ass in front of all these people? I mean, now you're gonna have to beat me on the big boy's course, princess. # Touch down # Touch down # Touch down # Touch down # Touch down # Touch down # Touch down # Touch down # Yo, let me touch down # Let me touch down for a sec # Calling me a star when I go on a track, feel me get paid with a cheque # Can't find a place that don't know me # Can't find a site that don't show me # I know many that wanna be me but they can't be me cos I'm way too on it # Owning, way too good when I'm owning # 100 mil cos I'm owning, shut up, man, and stop moaning # I break bread when I eat, indirect with a tweet # If you wanna have some beef, control, alt and delete # Sign out and don't tweet (APPLAUSE) Whoo! Well, that was cute. Probably in record time. Yeah? The problem is, that's not the course. That's not the course? So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go to the real course, and if you beat me, you're on the team, I won't fuck with you any more and I'll call you by your real name. Oh, really? (CHEERING) (BELL CLANGS) Yeah! (BELL CLANGS) Refrigerators? ALL: 98! 99! 100! (ALL CHEER) Whoo! (BELL CLANGS) Aghhhh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Whoo! (LAUGHS) That was bullshit, Mitch. You know I was already gassed. You were showboating. As a lifeguard, you gotta conserve your energy. Conserve my energy? (WOMAN SCREAMS) No! Help! My kids! Lifeguard Tower One! Help! Look out! Look out! (SCREAMING) We're on the go! Come on, move! Yo, move! Watch it! Move, move, move! (SCREAMING) My kids! Ma'am, everything's OK. I'm here to save you. My name is Matt Brody. Somebody help! Ma'am, stop it! I can't save you if you're being a dick! Where are the other two? Other two? Oh, shit. Here you go. Here you go. OK. You're OK. Come on. Breathe for me. Come on, big man. Come on. (PANTS) We'll set you down right here. Good. Let's get you over. Attaboy. (COUGHS) Brody, stop! One, two, three... Brody, stop! What? Why? Her airway's blocked. (GASPS) OK. OK, breathe. CJ, is she good? Steph, how is she? She's all right. You're gonna be good. Give me some. Let's get you to your mom. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) All right, listen up. We wanna thank you for a great year of qualifiers. For those of you who don't go on and become trainees, we wanna thank you, we expect to see you next year. To the trainees who made it, congratulations. Oh, my God. I made it. I made it! Oh, my God! Thank you so much. You don't ever have to thank me. You did this one on your own. Thank you. You're welcome. What the fuck? That's my name. (LAUGHS) That's my name! Holy shit! I made it onto... Wait. Do not tell me that I'm the tech guy. No! No, I chose you because you have heart, no quit and you leave it all out on the beach. Thanks, Mitch. Congratulations. Hey, High School Musical. You were reckless out there. Completely destroyed a motorcycle, which you stole. I didn't steal that. I commandeered it, OK? It was faster and clearly had insurance. And by the way, the lady that I saved, she didn't seem to mind. The rescues don't mean a thing if you put other people in danger. OK? I get it, you're fast, fearless. And I have to make you a trainee, butterfly, but you got a lot to learn. All right. Thank you, Lieutenant. All right, listen up! Training begins at 0600. Hot Wheels, I'll see you in the morning. Sure thing, Lieutenant. Welcome to Baywatch. Whoo! Whoo! All right! Hey, I'm so glad I caught you all. I don't mean to interrupt, but everyone on the beach is talking about you guys. Thank you. Brody, that save sounds incredible. Impulsive but incredible. Appreciate it. See that? Ah, we're just doing our jobs. Oh. Hey, guys, this is Victoria Leeds, the new owner of the Huntley Club. Hey. How you doing? I just wanted to invite all of you to the Huntley. We're having an open house. It's a kind of meet the neighbours thing. Look, I know that the club's kind of fancy and probably not your scene, but you have a standing invitation. Thank you. We'll keep that in mind. I'll meet you guys there. Please, join us. Ok. Whoo! Whoa, easy. Are you OK? Yeah. I'll see you then. See you then. Let's go, Frankie. (SIGHS) Brody? Hey. What are you doing? Nothing. I was just, er... you know, stargazing. Under a pier? Yeah. That way. You're on the team and I don't want anyone on the team sleeping outside, so... You're coming with me. Brody, let's go, I don't wanna wait for you. Come on. Thank you again so much. Really embarrassed. It's cool. Don't worry about it. Oh, I forgot something in my car. Erm, just knock. You sure Stephanie won't mind? It's cool? It's cool. She won't mind at all. Thank you so much. This is really cool of you guys. Mm-hm. No problem. (GASPS) What the fuck? 'Sup? Hey. This is your house, isn't it? Yeah, this is, erm... It's my house. Yeah. I assume you need a place to crash. Yeah. Come on in. Just like CJ, always picking up strays. (SIGHS) Quit looking at Little Mitch! It's creepy. Come and see where you're gonna crash. There's your cot. Don't jack off on my sheets. Don't. CB RADIO: "I can't find my hermit crab. I think he ran out earlier today. "He's got short legs, but he's got a fast walk, so if you'd keep eyes open, I'd appreciate that." "We'll start combing the beach first thing at sun up." "This is Echo Bravo 153. Go ahead." Fuck it. Mitch, can I please turn the CB off in my room? MITCH: "Jonas Brother, listen. Get your beauty rest. We start bright and early tomorrow." (SIGHS) It's big. So big you gotta fold it. VOICEOVER: Domino's New Yorker Big Pepperoni, just $14.99, pick up or delivered every Saturday and Sunday only. $14.99? where it's illegal to be awesome. I reckon an action, but an action with, like, substance, you know? Like... Hmm. THINKS: Yeah. I'm just gonna do it ` gonna join a dating site. THINKS: OK. It's an action movie set in the future, where it's illegal to be awesome. Yeah, and everyone awesome lives underground. (CAR HORN HONKS) THINKS: Oh, sorry. Because society can't stand awesome people. It'll be, like, me, my mum, not Darren, my dentist, Keith, Greg... (TYRES SCREECH) (SOUL MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR RADIO) (WATER BUBBLES) (BREATHES HEAVILY) # Wouldn't it be nice if we were older? How was your first riptide? (GROANS) It stings! That's just the lactic acid. Actually, it's the jellyfish stuck to you. (SCREAMS) What the fuck? Aghh! Oh, my God! ..two, three. Cross. One, two, three. Keep your hands up. One, two, duck! Again. One, two, duck! (GRUNTS) Nice! What you, er... What you doing there, killer? Erm, I don't know. (BOTH LAUGH) I don't know. OK. Honestly, I don't know what I'm doing here. Mitch sees something in you. And I see it, too. I do. I really do. (BOTH LAUGH) What? What? (BOTH LAUGH) Whoa, whoa, whoa! What? Very important lesson. That is the devil's urchin. One prick will give you enough adrenaline to choke a pissed-off bull. But after that, you say some crazy-ass shit, and then you fucking die. Now, pick that up and take it to Tower One. So these are just, like, laying around everywhere? Do you want me to help you? OK, look, let's just be honest, all right? I mean, we've lost him. No! Ted! No, it's not your fault. Not my boy Ted! Why, why, Ted? Why you, Ted? Why? Don't you do this to me, Ted! Don't you do this! (BOTH LAUGH) OK, no, but seriously, I gotta help you because you are gonna kill someone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. Ready? Wait, Summer, do you have time to study later? Yeah. Erm... Did you just, er, look at my boobs? It was not my intention. I didn't, er, stare directly at them. You're looking at them right now. Now I did. Cos you were talking about them. Testing. Oh, failed. Oh, my God. We're gonna be in swimsuits a lot, so... Yeah. ..if it's a problem for you... It's not a problem for me. At all. Yeah. Cool. All right. You just looked at them again. No, I didn't. I was... Yeah, you did. When you point them out... It's a compliment if you think about it, sort of. Victoria. I'm gonna need more time. (SIGHS) Do I strike you as a patient woman, Councilman? No, no, no. I got the council to sign off on your real estate proposal. Some property owners won't give approval. But I'm working on it. Well, you just ran out of time. Leon, would you show Mr Rodriguez what we do to people who don't deliver? I know you're dealing flakka, which is gonna drive down real estate prices in the bay, right? Right? So if anything happens to me, I will expose you. And then you'll never get your approvals. Such accusations. I'm not a Bond villain. Well, yet. You're in politics. You know no one can claw their way to the top without getting a little dirt under their fingernails. Clearly, I overestimated you. But calling me a drug dealer... It's so much bigger than that, you know? I... Leon... teach him some manners. Have fun, boys. I agree with... I... I overstepped. I overstepped, Victoria. Guys, we can talk about this. Leon doesn't talk. He's a man of action. There's a purity to that. I'm gonna kill you. Dammit. You do that every time. I build you up and then you ruin the mystique. (HUMS) See something you like? Jesus Christ. (LAUGHS) You, er... You got me. You gonna be cool and go talk to her like a real man, or you gonna stand up here and be Creepy Creeperton? Look, man, I'm fine in that department, so don't worry about me. Yeah. I'm sure your approach to women is Snapchatting a dick pic or two. Don't ever do that. A lot of people screenshot them nowadays. Yeah. If it leaks on the internet, it's terrible. WOMAN: "Hola! Is anyone there?" What is your emergency? Over. What is your position? Over. "Gringa, my position is the ocean." Call the Coast Guard. 10-73. I'll take the WaveRunner. 10-73? You and CJ take Rescue One. Go! Rescue One, ASAP. Hold up! Wait, what? What are we doing? Shit. Summer. What's a 10-73? Fire! Fire? In the ocean? You need to start studying! Yeah, I know. Got it. I'm there. See you out there. Come on. Let's go. I'm coming! If you're coming, hurry up. Where's mine? You don't get one. Whoa! Come on. Quit screwing around! Could you wait for me? Come on! Goddammit, let's go! Go, go, go! Lock your arms around my waist or you're gonna fucking fall off again! This is so awkward, dude. Hold on. How many buckets of lotion do you wear? You're like a greasy, hairless gorilla. Don't worry, guys! I got it. I'll take care of... If the fire spreads... # Every day I spend my time... Take the throttle. That's impossible. Crawl between my arms and take the fucking throttle! Holy shit. # Every day I spend my time # Drinking wine, feeling fine # Waiting here to find the sign # That I should take it slow, here I go... When I say so, hard right turn. What? Three. Two. One. Go! # Every day I spend my time # Drinking wine, feeling fine # Waiting here to find the sign # That I should take it slow # Here I go, here I go, here I go... Oh, thank God. Are you the fire water man? Where are your friends? I don't know. OK. Don't move. Help! Down here! Is anyone there? (COUGHS) I hear you! Get to the front of the boat! We're coming! (SCREAMS) Help me! Mitch! Portside. Over here! In the front! Fuck. There's a girl trapped in the front of the boat! There's too much fire! No way. (SPEAKS SPANISH) CJ! OK, guapo. If you want me, you can have me. But rapido because the boat is on fire. Some other time. No... (SCREAMS) Are you all right? Can you hear me? No, I'm not OK! (SPEAKS SPANISH) Help! Please! Help! In here! Do not go under that fire, Brody! Wait! In here! Please! Help! Oh, my God! Take my hand. Trust me. (SCREAMS) Are you hurt? No. I'm OK. Good. Hang on. What? (SCREAMS) CJ! Portside! (SCREAMS) Miss, are you OK? Can you help me? Are you all right? Brody! (COUGHS) Oh! Are you OK? That was such a great plan, to see fire and just swim right into it (!) You care about me. I care about you! Get off that boat, Mitch. (GRUNTS) ..eight, nine, ten. (GRUNTS) Come on. Hey, other than him, we did good, right? Like, we saved everyone. Yes, including you. I know that. I'm just saying, all things considered, things could've been a lot worse. Come on! Is he going to be OK? Do you know what happened to the Councilman? No. We were partying, and then when we came upstairs, the boat was already on fire. (SIGHS) You disobeyed an order out there, put yourself in danger. You can't save anyone if you die. Yeah, I know. I messed up. OK? What are we still doing here? Just write this down. Can we just go? Victim is male, five foot nine... Hey, hey, hey. Get back right now. Do not contaminate my crime scene. (SIGHS) Come on, Ellerbee. Don't give me any of that jurisdiction shit. No, I won't, because technically, you don't have a jurisdiction, lifeguard. You got one job, make sure swim-happy white people don't drown. Technically, that boat is the Coast Guard's jurisdiction. OK? If I'd waited, these girls would be dead. We would have died? Burned to a crisp. I'm not ready to die! I know. It's OK, you're not. So technically, we saved lives. Technically, I see a dead body, which technically makes this a crime scene. Technically, these technicallys are wasting a lot of time, technically. Thank you, blue-eyed demon. And as far as this dead body goes, look. Badge on a uniform. Patch on a swimsuit. Lieutenant. Beat cop. So keep us informed of the investigation, we'll do the same. All right. Hey, how do I keep in touch? Seashell phone? Or do I just blow into the conch and you appear? That's the spirit. Just call me on the shell phone. If you crack this case, they'll upgrade you to a segway and give you big-boy pants to wear, cover up those chicken legs. Oh, Christ, that's... Councilman Rodriguez. Good luck, Officer. # I got the eye of the tiger, fighter # Dancing through the fire # Cos I am the champion # And you're gonna hear me roar # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... Damn, Ronnie. (SCREAMS) CJ! Please! Oh, shit. I never heard a guy sing that song, but you're really good. Thank you. Er, CJ, what are you doing here? Here? Oh, it's, erm, it's a coed shower. Coed, cool. Cool, cool, cool. Yeah, coed is cool with me, cos I'm cool... with the coeds. I'm taking lunch orders. Do you want anything? Ooh. I... would like a salad. You sure? This place does really good cheesesteaks, meatball subs, foot-longs. They really hit the spot. No, I'll have a salad. I'm just a straight-up leafy-green type of guy. That's my type of jam. Just hook me up with a salad. OK. Salad. Cool. All right. Great. By the way, er, when we shower in here, we, er, keep our suits on. Right, Phil, Sarah? (BOTH LAUGH) But your, er, clean nips are looking really good. (SLAPS) Ah! Thanks. Bye. Oh, God. Why me? Hey. (CHUCKLES) Hello. Hello. Hey. They say language is the gateway to culture. And I have the key. Can I interest you in the big Kiwi breakfast? (PHONE TRANSLATES INTO SWEDISH) (SPEAKS SWEDISH) PHONE TRANSLATOR: Kiwis are endangered, no? (SPEAKS SWEDISH) PHONE TRANSLATOR: I could try a little one. # Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh. # (SIGHS) How was your day today? Er, I don't know. A guy died. Maybe this is why we keep losing recruits. They can't handle it. Yeah. I mean, now you know our job is much more than you expected, the stakes are higher. What happened today, while tragic, unfortunately, it does happen. So if you wanna quit, we get it. But if you choose to stay, just know that Baywatch is more than a job. It's a way of life. A way of life. (SLURPS) You and I both know I'm sticking around. Am I the only one that got a salad? Look, this is what I don't understand, OK? A guy dies. That's tragic. But that doesn't mean there's anything sinister going on. OK? And even if there was, that's not our job. That's not what we do. We're lifeguards. So this has nothing to do with us. You just heard that cop. He just told us that. I thought you had to be on a really restrictive diet to look like you guys. What is it you think we do at Baywatch? I thought we were lifeguards, we prevent people getting sunburned and occasionally stop them from drowning. And that's all you think this is? Exactly. CJ, throw a few of last month's cases at Olympiad and see what he'd do. Cases? OK, erm... school of manta ray in the cove? You call Animal Control? Before Animal Control shows up, the rays fly up out of the water, sting someone in the chest and they die. Steve Irwin, RIP. How about, er, sand grifters running a con on the beach? I'm not exactly sure what a sand grifter is, but I would probably call the cops. Sand grifters are beach thieves. So while you're working on your tan, they're stealing from families on the beach. How about diamond smugglers who are putting the rocks in surfboards and bringing them ashore? Everything you're talking about sounds like a really entertaining but far-fetched TV show. But if that was the case, I would call the cops. We could call the cops, and then do nothing, like most people would. But that's not us. We watch when others don't wanna watch, protect when others don't wanna protect. If we do the bare minimum, sometimes people die. Guys, we have flakka that just washed ashore. That shit is hardcore and it fucking kills people. And now we got a dead body in our bay. And the girls on that boat had the same drugs on them that I found in front of Leeds's club. So my gut says that it's all connected. Leeds said there'd be an open house tonight, right? Yes, she did. And we're all going. (PARTY MUSIC PLAYS) What did you find on Chen? No criminal record. No fetishes. He's clean. Makes me feel weird about stuff going on in my life. What about his bank accounts? Account. This dude is not rich at all. All his money is tied up in real estate in the bay. Well, I guess you'll have to help me persuade him some other way. Every man has a price. Speaking of which, I know you've been using my special set of skills for your own nefarious purposes, but additional compensation would go a long way in motivating me to keep my mouth shut. (CHUCKLES) You're blackmailing me. Huh? Well, I wouldn't... Dave... I really admire a man who knows how to seize an opportunity. I'm very impressed. Keep up the good work. Thanks. Do we have a deal or... (DOOR CLOSES) I need some closure. Hey. Hi. Wow, you look really nice. You look really nice, too, Baby Gap. That shirt come in big-boy size? At least I'm undercover. You didn't even try. We've got a very big night with one goal in mind. It's our only shot to prove they're dealing. CJ and Ronnie, find out who's selling. Summer, keep an eye on Leeds and her thugs. Mitch and I will search for where she hides the product. Brody? What? You're our lookout. Lookout? Guys, if you wanna find drugs at a party, I can walk in there and find drugs. It'd take me five minutes. Not cos I do it all the time. But it's not rocket science. OK, troubled youth. Thank you for that. The only way this is gonna work out is if everyone does their job. Can you handle that, Malibu Ken? Yeah. What? Why is everyone looking at me? Summer. Am I the only one that thinks this is clearly a job for the police? Yes. Yes. (HIP-HOP MUSIC) Mr Chen, I'm so glad you could make it. I had to meet the new neighbour everyone is talking about. So I presume you know why I had to invite you. I am not interested in selling my properties. Why don't you think about it, OK? I, of all people, know how hard it is to run a business. You never know when a dry spell could come. What are you thinking? We case it, I'll meet you back here in five. Sounds good. OK, Steph. So where should I, like, look out from? Hey. How are you? (SIGHS) Victoria. (GROANS) You killed Rodriguez in front of witnesses. What the fuck were you thinking? They were high. They didn't see anything. They better not have. Because now Dave knows too much. This better not come back to me. I can't have this unravelling. Got it? (GROANS) Now go clean up your mess. Brody. Mm. I'm so glad you came. Oh, gosh. Let's get you a real drink. Greg, the good stuff. Scotch is your drink, right? Yeah. This is a really nice place you have here. You have great taste. I really respect that. It's nice to have somebody who respects you, you know? Oh... I sense trouble. I think I'm just, er... not used to having a boss. Mitch is threatened. He should be thrilled to have you. Yeah, you'd think. Oh, my God. Lieutenant Matt Brody. That has such an amazing ring to it. Don't you think? Yeah. Here. Keep the whole bottle. I think you need it. (CHUCKLES) This'll be fun. Thank you. Hey. Did you get any intel on Leeds? Yeah, I got intel. That's awesome. Single malt, 35-year-old intel. And it's fucking delicious. All right, I think I got something. Found our access point. Where's Brody? Have you seen him? No. No time. We gotta move without him. Yeah, but we need our lookout. What's your deal? You like torturing guys? No. Yeah, you do. Well, I mean, I have three brothers, so I've had a lot of practice. Mm. I take it you're an only child. I don't know, honestly. You don't know? I grew up in a foster home. Oh, shit. Three of them, actually. I'm sorry. Don't be. It was pretty cool. One of them had a pool. If it wasn't for that pool, I wouldn't have gone to the Olympics. Yeah, that's amazing. Go from foster home to winning a gold medal. Two. Two gold medals. I fucking busted my ass for those medals, so you can't blame me for celebrating. Yeah. Huh. I mean, I've always wondered what happened that night. I knew the relay was the next day, but those guys... They didn't care about me. They just needed me to win. Well, you certainly made sure they did not win. (LAUGHS) I lost way more than they did. OK? I lost all my sponsors. I'm an Olympic champion and I'm fucking broke. Ronnie, hey. What? OK, listen. Create a distraction for Leeds. What? How? Remember the first time I met you? That night at Chen's? (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah. What? No. Yes. No! Yes! Mitch, no! Yes! No! Yes! No! Goddamn it, Ronnie, you listen to me and you listen good. Every team has a ringer and you are my ringer. Well, then I guess I'm your ringer. You are my goddamn ringer. (GRUNTS) Ring, ring? Ring, ring. Yeah! Oh, God. Oh, could I... Will you have one drink? You should stop drinking. You're meant to be lookout for Mitch. I am looking out for Mitch. Leeds is right there. I'm gonna check it out. Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome to our host, Victoria Leeds! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Thank you. Thank you. So many people. (CHUCKLES) So, as a welcome to the bay, I, er... Oh, God. Mitch, this is for you. Oh, wait. Er, no, Victoria. I have something very special planned for you, for everyone. So God help us. (LAUGHS) Aww. I'll just put that down. OK. Hit it. (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS) That's weird. Who's Angelo's Fish Company? Don't they get fish from Flynn's? Let's check it out. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Mitch. I just got a little hunch, OK? (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) Shit. You two, what are you doing back here? Hey. First date. You can't blame me, right? (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS) So juvenile. I'm onto you all. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for whatever that was. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) You did good, Ronnie. Where did you learn to dance like that? (EXHALES) Hebrew school. You were supposed to be there for us tonight. You had a job to do. And now you're trashed. See, I just... I don't understand this, man. If you really think that there's drugs here, call the police. And then what? We get a few minnows? The big whale gets away? Do you hear yourself when you talk? I dare you to say one thing without the ocean in it. I dare you. We were depending on you tonight. (SCOFFS) And you fucked up. Again. Watch yourself. Really? Get this through your head, Mitch. You're not a cop. You're not the fucking Equaliser. You're a lifeguard, Mitch, who sits in his fucking tower all day, cos that's the only place he has any sort of power. This is the real world, Mitch. Lifeguards can't do shit. Come on. Don't fucking touch me. Let's go. Or what? What are you gonna do, Mitch? Shit. Rarr! (SHRIEKS) Shit. I didn't touch you. You dick. (ALL GASP) Cool off, pool boy. (ALL GASP) That's him! The Vomit Comet! What are you guys standing around for? Let's do some shots! (ALL CHEER) Whoo! (MOODY MUSIC) (MOODY MUSIC CONTINUES) Hey! Hey. Summer, this is your day today. Yeah, I know it. (LAUGHS) Mitch. Hey, man, I think, er... I think we both said a few things last night that we didn't mean. Not me. I meant every word. You've never gotten drunk and said something you don't mean? Seriously? I fucked up, man. I know that. I'm sorry. I watched you win two gold medals. You were amazing... when it was just you. But when it came to the relay, being part of your Olympic team, your family... you blew it. Cos you're selfish. Baywatch is our team. Baywatch is our family. These are the keys to our house. But you've proven to me you don't wanna be part of this family. So you're done. Cos the only thing you give a shit about is yourself and your medals. You talking about this medal? Wow, that's really impressive. Don't you have two of them, though? That's not the point. That's polluting. Listen, Mitch, I know I messed up, OK? I should've listened. I wanna be a part of this team. And I will not let you down again, I swear. And by the way, I think you're right about Leeds. And the Councilman... Councilman what's his face. Councilman Rodriguez. Yeah. Rodriguez, that's it. The dead guy. He had this watch. It was a nice TAG watch. Yeah, I've seen that watch, too. On one of Leeds's thugs. That's it. See? I wanna help, man. I wanna... I wanna help. (SIGHS) All right. I'll give you another shot. Councilman Rodriguez is connected to this. And the coroner's office just released his body. And I got a plan. OK, clear. Come on, let's go. OK, left turn, left turn. What the fuck? Who taught you how to drive, Stevie fucking Wonder? You're huge, man. Very hard to control. Just get me to the morgue. I'm taking us to the morgue. Go left. Left, left. Left turn. Careful. We're clear, we're clear. Oh! All right. Oh, no. What? What does that say? Morgue. Exactly. (CHUCKLES) I got us to the morgue. Nice. Good job. Yeah. These disguises are awesome. I actually feel like a doctor. Oh, no. Read me his toe tag. It smells like yoghurt. Oh, Jesus. "28-16." (GAGS) Read me line 12. Jesus. Line 12. "Alveoli are clean." Wait, that means there was no smoke in his lungs. So how did he die? That's the question. McDreamy, I need help. Oh, God, what? Ohh! Dude! I need you to check his taint for needle marks. Check his taint? Don't be a baby. Lift his scrotum. Not touching the man's scrotum. Lift his ball sac and check for anything unusual. Fuck. Oh, my God. Ohh. Dude, it's a taint, man. You didn't even look. Oh, my God. Dude, there's been gloves here literally the entire time. You didn't even say anything. Yeah. Ugh. Oh, I'm going in. All right. Tell me what you see. Hair. Lots of hair. Definitely not a groomer. Deeper. Lift the balls up higher. And get closer. Oh, God, it stinks. I don't know, man. There's a big something. Oh, there is a hole. (CAMERA CLICKS) That's just his butthole. Smile. (LAUGHS) Good job, doc. (LAUGHS) I'm posting that. Do not post that. The internet is forever. It's just a handful of ball sac. It's disgusting. (SIGHS) God! Dude, I can't take you seriously when the dick is out. Cover the dick. You cover the dick. I'm busy. Check this out. Cervical fractures of the fifth, sixth and seventh vertebrae. That's how he was killed. Broken neck. That could have happened any time. You jumped off the boat with him, right? You can swan dive down a flight of stairs and not break that many vertebrae. This was done on purpose. Why has no one else figured this out? What are you talking about? Figured what out? Broken neck, no smoke in his lungs, which probably means he died before that boat was even on fire. The reason why no one has figured this out? It's murder. And someone's covering it up. Holy shit. I should go interrogate those girls. They were high. They don't remember. All the more reason to investigate. Oh, shit. Someone's coming. Hide. Hide! Put him away. Ugh! What do we do now? Now we hide. Hide? Where? WHISPERS: I don't like confined spaces. Shh. This was a bad idea. Stop being a baby. Oh, my God! Shut your mouth. You're gonna get us caught. I'm laying on a dead old lady. She's not gonna bite you. Will you shut up? Our drawers are empty. Why did you pick that one? I'm the only one with a body? Shut up! She smells like cheese toast and chowder. You just tickled another man's taint. Who gives a shit? This was a bad... Something just dripped on me. Shut your mouth. What is it? It's all right. Oh, my God. Shh. It did it again. Nothing's dripping on me. Formaldehyde melts fat. What? That's what's dripping, necrotic liquid fat. Now shut the fuck up! What the fuck did you just say? Just sit back and shut up. Shh! Stop complaining. Guys, someone's coming. Be quiet. It's him. Rodriguez. It is him. You got the fake files? Relax. We're only here cos you broke his fucking neck. It's all good. Ugh! Goddammit. Keep it together. No! Oh, shit. That's it! I'm out! No. Goddammit! Shit! Fuck. (GARGLES) What do we do? Shh. Agh. Agh. Aghhh. (GASPS AND COUGHS) (CLEARS THROAT) Hey, gentlemen. Now that that's over, I'm gonna need those files. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Shit. That must be my phone. I probably left it in the nap room. Shit. Fuck. Give me that phone. Shit! No, lifeguard. That was a cheap shot, man! Dammit. That guy's got my phone. I'll get the car. Meet us on the far side of the park! Give me the phone! Hey, Mitch, take this one. Yeah. Thanks, Mikey. Hey, man, this is a wake-free zone! # Run, motherfucker, run, I'm running shit # Make way cos here I come... (GUNSHOTS) # Fuck it, I don't care if you know me... Aghh! # Run, motherfucker, run, I'm running shit # Make way cos here I come (GIRL BABBLES) Hi, honey. I'm gonna go get rid of the bad man that's in your house. Mmm. Eat your food. (GIRL BABBLES) (KEYBOARD TINKLES) (KEYBOARD PLAYS TEN GREEN BOTTLES) (LOCK CLICKS) I'm gonna need that phone. This phone? (CRACKING) Whoops. Fuck your phone. Oh, you going night-night, bitch. (CHILD'S TOY TALKS) (GRUNTS) TOY: I'm a pig! Whoa, whoa, wait! Hey, hey, hey. No baby pictures. Have some class. You're right. Bath time, shithead. Bula! (SIGHS) Bula! (CHUCKLES) Bula! Bula! Bula! Bula! (SIGHS) ALL: Bula! Ah. (SCREAMS) (ALL SCREAM) It's impossible to sum up how Fiji makes you feel. Bula! But one word comes close. Ellerbee, what did we learn from the perps after the interrogation? The only perps here are you three. You turned the canals into the goddamn X Games. Yeah, that's cos we were in lifeguard pursuit. Oh, OK. My bad. Except for there's no fucking such thing as "lifeguard pursuit"! Police do pursuits! When you do it, it's just some guys chasing some other guys. No offence. None taken. What are you saying? You're just gonna let those guys walk? How do I explain this so that you people understand? "You people"? "You people"? Oh, you don't get to say that. You're just tan. Right on. Come on, brother. Look, even if you were police, which you're not, and even if this was your jurisdiction, which it isn't, and even if you had probable cause to pursue, which you definitely don't, what you did would still be totally illegal. OK, well, I mean, it's a good thing we're not police, then. It's like you purposely only hear one per cent of what I say. (SIGHS) Mitch, did you pull Brody off the beach to break into the medical examiner's office earlier? Yeah. Absolutely, 100%, and here's why ` the Councilman's boating accident was no accident. He had no smoke in his lungs, his neck was broken in multiple places, so he was probably dead before that boat even caught on fire. Our investigation has found all this shady shit leads back to the Huntley. You don't do investigations. You're lifeguards. Police do investigations. When you do it, it's just a bunch of guys investigating another bunch of guys. No offence, you're included in that. None taken. Do you have any proof? Absolutely. We read the coroner's report. Before the other guys switched it. I recorded the whole thing on my phone. Where's the phone? They destroyed it. Oh. OK. So the only evidence that you had was destroyed. Exactly. All the evidence... Pfft! Gone. Doesn't exist. They're bad guys and they don't want us to have it. OK. Let me explain this to you in a way that you people can understand. "You people"? Hey. There it is again. Be cool. Just trying to figure out what's with "you people." All right, look. Leave law enforcement to the police. OK? And you guys just do the jobs that I hired you to do. You remember? The lifeguarding stuff. Splish, splash. Otherwise... I'll fire you. Now, I gotta go clean up this mess that you made. Boom. Obviously, you have every reason to be upset and I apologise. So, do you always do the opposite of what people ask you to do? Because I don't know, man, it looks clear to me. Nice and quiet. No, man, you gotta look closer. I knew it. Flynn's Seafood Company. What about them? They're the ones who supply fish to the Huntley Club. So? So the question is, who the fuck is Angelo? I saw barrels like that in the Huntley and now they're on the back of her yacht. You're impossible. My gut says there's some bad shit going on and my balls say we need to check it out. Your balls said that? Yes, they did. Cos my balls say, "Take it easy. Just chill." Why the fuck do your balls sound like three-year-old girls? I don't know. That's just how they talk. But they're wise. Tell your wise balls we're going to the Huntley to see what's in the barrels. Dude, we are penetrating the shit out of this place. No, I think it's infiltrate. You know they're gonna be looking for us. That's why we're going undercover. In disguise? (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS) # Oh, dear, what the fuck have we here? # These motherfuckers all thorn, no rose # Egads, what a bad dream, better not sleep, take a No-Doz, do some blow # I don't wanna be unfair but the pair we got beat that weak shit you got # Blew up the spot with that new bop, crew drops, do up ya squad without nuance Check it out. I'm undercover. A little too undercover. Why are you wearing makeup? What do you mean? It's a little much. What was I supposed to do? We're supposed to find the fucking flakka. Angelo's Fish Company. There it is. You are so selfish. You think this was easy? It's very impressive, princess. But please shut the fuck up and focus. Ow. Holy shit. Whoa. Can't believe Leeds is doing that shit during the day. Ohh. Yeah. That takes balls. Holy shit. It's like Breaking Bad in there. Yeah, dude, Breaking Bad. You were right. Yeah, I was right. Let's get him in! I got it here. Right. Yep. We're good. Grab his other leg. Got it. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) This is the police. How can I help you, lifeguard? Ellerbee, you gotta get down to the Huntley ASAP. We found the drugs. Yeah, that sounds great, Mitch, but I'm dealing with another dead body. Oh, and this one's on your beach. First a councilman and now a shark attack. That's crazy. Lifeguard coming through. This still your jurisdiction? "We haven't had a body on the beach in years. It's connected to the Huntley." We found the drugs here. They're behind this. Mitch, it's Thorpe, your boss. Look, stop with the Huntley crap, OK? Don't even come down here. Meet me back at headquarters. I've gotta deal with your new publicity nightmare. Fuck! "Emerald Bay is reeling from the discovery of another dead body. After the recent death of Councilman Rodriguez, locals want answers." I can't believe that no one was at Tower One. I don't even know what to say. Whose shift was it? Sir, it was mine. And where were you? Stalking one of the most prominent women in Emerald Bay? Blatantly disregarding your jurisdiction? I only stepped away to check the Huntley and find the flakka. I warned you! I warned you about sticking to your job. This wasn't even Mitch's fault. You leave me no choice. You're done. I want you off the beach. I'm putting Brody in charge. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No way. There's not a chance... You can do this in your sleep. I don't want the position. I... You have two gold medals, OK? You're like the Stephen Hawking of swimming, minus the total paralysis part. Unless you want me to replace you with someone else. That job should go to Stephanie Holden. She knows the bay better than anyone. I'm no longer interested in your opinion, Buchannon. Dismissed. Brody. Brody, hang back. OK, it's just me and you now. If you can help me keep your new pals in line, I can make sure that you stick around here for a long, long time. And if you don't, your probation could get fucked up. Good talk, Brody. OK. You're my dawg, right? I'll see you tomorrow. Bring it in. Ah, I fucked it up. Turn in your trunks, Mitch. (GASPS) I'm gonna go. What, you think that I wanted this? It kinda looks like you did. What? It should be Stephanie. I couldn't agree more. What would you have done? I wouldn't have taken the job, even if they'd offered it. It was not an offer, it was a trap. Guys, guys, come on. Please. I need you to work together to help Bieber here figure out why there's a dead body on our beach and how Leeds is bringing in drugs to the bay. Good luck. Mitch. Yo, Mitch! I'm sorry. I want you to have something. My mentor gave me this. It's the keys to Lifeguard Tower One. Your new post. No. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for this, man. They need you. (SIGHS) # Say you, say me "Hi, Mitch. Just checking in on you... again. "Please call us back. We're worried about you." # That's the way it should be # Say you, say me # Say it together # Naturally # I had a dream... "Yo, Mitch. It's Brody. I'm on the CB, so I know you're listening. I hope you haven't gone crazy and started eating carbs or something. Everyone says hi. Come back, man. I could really use your help, brother." # Was a masquerade # And from behind the walls of doubt # A voice was crying out... You know, it all depends on the data plan that you want. Internet, everything like that? It's fantastic with the internet, sure. It's internet-savvy in function and there's broadband. All right. Yeah, sure. Samsung has all the capabilities of the IT process and, er... Mind if I cut in for a second? What are you doing here? I'm here to remind you who you are. (BAYWATCH THEME PLAYS) Come on, buddy. Snap out of it! # I'll be ready! # # I'll be ready! # (MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS) Shoes? You're wearing worker-man shoes? Really, how far have you fallen? Far. I'd love to buy a... Mitch? Yes, Mitch. Come on, man. You don't just protect the bay. You ARE the bay. Mitch, the bay needs you. Hey. (CHUCKLES) Hello. Hello. Hey. They say language is the gateway to culture. And I have the key. Can I interest you in the big Kiwi breakfast? (PHONE TRANSLATES INTO SWEDISH) (SPEAKS SWEDISH) PHONE TRANSLATOR: Kiwis are endangered, no? (SPEAKS SWEDISH) PHONE TRANSLATOR: I could try a little one. # Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh. # (BREATHES DEEPLY) Sand grifters. (SEAGULL SQUAWKS) Get the fuck out of here! This is my beach! All right, we're out of here! Hey. You guys wanna help me figure out whose stuff this is? Yo, this cooler is...cool. Yo, Ellerbee. What's up, man? How you doing? Oh, Lieutenant Brody! What you got in the cooler? Black market organs from the Boogie Board Bandits? (LAUGHS) Oh, you mean this? No, no. This is actually for you. I'm not Mitch, right? I know my place. I'm just a lifeguard. And that's it. I just wanna make sure that you and I start out on the right foot. That's it. So I went ahead and got something a little bit special for you, which is a double-chocolate smoothie from Chen's. A double-chocolate smoothie? Yeah. From Chen's? They're the best. You know, I shouldn't. But it is my cheat day. It's your cheat day. (SLURPS) Exactly. And by the way, I went ahead and added that extra protein for you, dawg. Oh, my man. I know you're trying to keep up. Yeah, man. (SLURPS) (CHUCKLES) Summer. Hey, Summer. (PANTS) Come on, Summer. I think I found something big here, OK? I really need your help. Please? You took marine biology, right? Yeah. Look at these. Tell me what you think. Do these look like shark bites to you? Huh. No, they don't all look like shark bites. Hey, let me take a look. (RETCHES) Oh, God, I can't deal with blood. I mean, that one might be. Those definitely are not. So they could be, like, knife wounds. Yeah, maybe. (GAGS) Oh, my God, that's Dave! (GAGS) Oh, my God. What? Stop looking at the picture, dude. Ronnie, what did you just say? It's Dave. Who's Dave? I used to work with him. Doing what? Er, tech stuff. You wouldn't understand. I would understand! What kind of tech stuff? Holy shit! Dave told me he was working with Leeds on something for the Huntley. Fucking Mitch was right. Both of these bodies were dead before they hit the water. Mitch got set up. Leeds got rid of him and we're probably next. Shit. Ronnie, erm, I need your help. No. Yes. No. Yes. Uh-uh. Yes. Please? OK, fine. We really appreciate it. Cos as much as I know about laptops, I don't know shit about computers. Er, so Dave had access to Leeds's server. You mean her network. Yeah, her network. That's what I meant. OK. So we just take a flash drive and we plug it in, get into her cloud and steal all her cookies, right? And then we're, pow, straight through the firewall. None of what you said made any sense. Straight over the firewall. It's not a physical thing. I don't know what I'm talking about. Can you do it? Yeah, it's done. It's been done this entire time? Yeah. Oh, shit. Well, what did we find? A lot of dirt. Drug dirt, real estate dirt, yacht dirt. Dirt? What the hell are we supposed to do with dirt, Ronnie? I meant evidence. Oh, evidence. Well, why didn't you say so, man? Heck, yeah! Thank God you're pretty. I'm really proud of you, man. Guys, we did some digging and Mitch was right. The Huntley is a front for a giant drug operation. But I figured out it's not about drugs for Leeds, it's about real estate. She's planning on making the entire bay private. But the town would never let her. Yes, it will. Because she has every single politician in this town on her payroll. Rodriguez, the taint guy. What about the business owners? Most of them sold out and signed away their properties. Leeds blackmailed the ones who didn't and used Dave to hack into their accounts. She's like a modern-day J Edgar Hoover. The vacuum guy. No. But there was one holdout. Who? Chen. And if anything happens to him, his property goes back to the city. Who do you think they're gonna sell it to? We have to warn him. I tried. No one's seen him for days. What? But Leeds is having a party on her yacht tonight. I guarantee you, she found a way to get that guy into her boat. Which is why we're gonna go to that party. What? Summer, you and I are gonna find the flakka. You guys find Chen. Will it work? Maybe. Will there be some surprises along the way? Abso-fucking-lutely. Is anyone gonna die? (SIGHS) I don't know. Maybe Ronnie. Sorry, what? But we are Baywatch. We save lives. I know because you guys saved mine. Let's go kick that bitch's ass. Let's do it. For Mitch. (R&B MUSIC PLAYS) What? What are you wearing? Where are your sleeves? Listen, I know where the flakka is. Under the boat? Yeah. Potentially. Please don't die. Do you think we should kiss? I think we should. Otherwise we may never... know... what it was like. If I die... Maybe we should talk about it later. It was worth a try. It was a good try. Ah, fuck. All right. (EXHALES) OK. Don't do anything too...stupid. I won't. (SIGHS) (GASPS) Summer. Summer. Yeah, hey. She's been smuggling it under the boat this entire time. No shit! We have to let Mitch know. OK, yeah. But Mitch hasn't answered the phone since he was fired. Ah, fuck. The CB! Use the CB. He's always listening. OK, yeah. Tell him Brody found the flakka and that he needs to meet us at the marina at 0900. 0900 is 9am, so 9pm would be 2100. That system is so stupid and flawed. Well, militaries use it all over the world. But I'll tell him 2100. WHISPERS: Hey, guys. I bet Lurch here knows where Chen is. Mitch, if you can hear me, you were right. We found the drugs on Leeds's boat. (INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER) Shit! Hey. No guests allowed upstairs. Then I guess that means that you and I are all alone. And you look like a bad boy. How about we get into some trouble? (COUGHS) Too much champagne. (CHUCKLES) Miss. Stephanie! Damn! Chen! Hey, hey. Are you OK? She was going to kill me. It's OK. Shit. What the fuck is going on? WHISPERS: Shit. Put your hands where I can see them. Whoa! Oh, my God. Summer! Oh, my God. Did I kill him? No, you just knocked his ass out. Oh, thank God. Here's the key. Here's the key. All right, guys, Brody found the flakka. Let's get you out of here and call Ellerbee. What about Leeds? Ronnie and I will stay here, OK? We will? Yes. OK, yeah, we will. We're gonna be on... the villain's boat. Whoo! Jason Bourne ain't got shit on... If I could please have your attention. By this time tomorrow, the expansion of the Huntley will be official. (APPLAUSE) But for now, let's enjoy the caviar, the champagne and the fireworks. Cheers. (APPLAUSE) We have a problem. Aww. Wrong time to grow a conscience, Brody. Chen's getting away. How is Chen getting away? Fucking idiots! They're trying to trap us. Plan B. Get the chopper to the barge. Let's get out of here. What about him? Do what you were supposed to do with Chen. "We got Chen off the boat. Do you have eyes on Brody?" No, we haven't seen him. "What?" We lost Leeds. Wait! Good news. We found Leeds. Bad news. She's got Brody in a cage on the back of a boat. "Oh, my God." Let's go. Why did you have to go snooping? Hm? Maybe Thorpe was wrong about you after all. What? Thorpe? What are you talking about, Thorpe? Oh, you haven't figured that part out yet. Where I bribed him, you know, got Mitch fired, put your dumb ass in charge. All you had to do was be a lifeguard. Get a tan. But instead, you tried to be like Mitch and save the bay. Now let's see how long you can hold your breath. No, listen to me. Just listen... God... Fuck! No! Listen to me! (LAUGHS) You're fucking crazy. If I was a man, you'd call me driven. No! Let's go, boys. You have to listen to me! Have a nice swim. (MUFFLED SHOUTS) # THE BEE GEES: How Deep Is Your Love? # How deep is your love? # How deep is your love? How deep is your love? # I really need to learn # Cos we're living in a world of fools # Breaking us... (MUSIC STOPS) Ohhh! What the fuck? (CHUCKLES) Damn it, bro! Fuck! (BOTH GASP) (COUGHS) Thank you. Where's Leeds? Leeds is gonna escape in a helicopter on that fireworks barge. Not if we stop her first. What? (GRUNTS) Come on, buddy. How? Watch and learn. Ronnie, come in. "Holy shit, Mitch, you got him!" (LAUGHS) Yeah, he's alive and he's well. Ronnie, I need you to figure out a way to launch those fireworks. Listen to me. I want you to light up the sky. Got it, Mitch. Got it. That's gotta be her boat up there! There's the console. Go. OK. Let's see what we got here. Oh, fucking lifeguards! What a nuisance! Take care of them already! What the fuck? Get down! Holy shit! "Miss Leeds, I'm approaching the barge. I'll meet you at the top." OK. OK, OK. Holy shit. She's gonna get away! Shit, shit, shit! Ronnie, CJ, right now. Let's do this. Erm, yeah, yeah, Mitch. We're on it. Fuck! I've never seen this interface. I don't know what to fucking do! Hey! Look at me! You are the tech guy. You are the mother...fucking tech guy. I'm the motherfucking tech guy. Mm-hm. "Come on, Ronnie." All right, let's go. I'm behind you, dude. Watch your step. There's urchins everywhere. The ones that kill you? Let's go, partner. I like the sound of that. What the fuck? Er... God, oh... Oh, my God, I got it! And I'm in. And... fire! Holy shit! (BOTH LAUGH) It's working! He's turning! It's go time. Right. What the hell is taking you so long? "Circling around." Could you put that dog down already? Second level! Fire! Take that, motherfucker! Whoo! Aghh! Agh! Mitch! The fireworks are almost done. And then you can land. Holy shit! Come to this side, you imbecile! Fire! None of them are working any more. I think it's over. Oh, honey. As usual, I have to do everything myself. Mitch! Oh, don't bother. He's dead. Because of you. Of course because of me. You do realise I'm holding a gun, right? So impulsive. That's why you walked right into my plan. Leeds! For fuck's sake. Why don't you die already? Let the little boy go. That's not how this story ends, Mitch. You see, you're not here to save him. After all, he took your job. So you shot him. But not before he got a shot off that killed you. I don't know. That seems a little complicated. Yeah, that sounds cheesy. You won't get away with this! Oh, I already have, Mitch. You know, the best thing about winning is that you get to write the story of what happened. Isn't that right, Mr Gold Medal? Fuck you, lady. Pass. What's that? What the hell? It's a... It's a big red button. The big red button. (WHIRRING) (BEEPING) Time to die, boys. No! I was born of the sea! I eat fire coral and I piss saltwater! I scratch my back with a whale's dick and I loofah my chest with his ball sac. What the fuck? (RAPID BEEPING) I'll die when the tide stops and the moon drowns. Until then... Oh. Go, baby. I'm oceanic, motherfucker. How tacky. Mitch, you just blew her up! Yeah. Plus I'm high as a motherfucker right now on devil's urchin. Aghhh! You stabbed yourself with one of those? I thought that was supposed to kill you. It does. I'm in desperate need of medical attention. That wasn't so bad. (SHRIEKS) That's good luck. Pick it up. What? What? Oh, God, there's so much blood. Oh fuck! What? Oh, God, why do I keep looking? (SIRENS WAIL) What took you so long with Leeds? (CHUCKLES) I didn't wanna make it seem too easy. The adrenaline kept you alive. Thank God you make us carry these. Take it easy. You saved your own life this time. (SIGHS) Thank you. Yes. Hey, erm... So I hear you were, er...you were right the whole time. And, er... I owe you an...apolo...gy. Owe you an apology. (BREATHES HEAVILY) No apology needed. We saved the bay. So you can hit us on that shell phone any time. (ALL CHUCKLE) Come on, brother. My man. My man. (LAUGHS) Hey! What part of "You're fired" do you not understand, Mitch? Get the fuck off my beach or I'll have you arrested. Hey, Thorpe. Oh, my God. This is our beach, bitch. And you're under arrest. Ow. That was a badass right cross, Brody. You just said my real name. (POP MUSIC) (GASPS) Hey, killer. (GASPS) Hey... Hey. Morning. Good morning. Do you want breakfast? OK. OK, cool. Pancakes? Yeah. Bacon? (CHUCKLES) Yeah. Cinnabun? I saw you do that. Oh, you're still there. Yep, just the... Bacon sounds good, too. Good morning. That was a hell of a punch, mister. Thank you. I mean, it's not exactly in the lifeguard manual, but... Well, I told you I would learn better if I had a study buddy. (CHUCKLES) Don't get ahead of yourself. Oh, my God. Did you just...look at my dick? Now we're even. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. We're late. We have to go. Come on. I found something. How did you get this? It washed up on shore. You only threw it eight feet, dude. (ALL LAUGH) Thank you. You're welcome. You're very welcome. Er, guys, after finding the drugs, helping save Chen and helping me blow up the bad girl with a Roman candle, it's a pleasure to say you are officially no longer trainees. Whoo! (ALL CLAP) Congratulations. Yeah, guys. Hey, guys, one more important thing. I wanna introduce our new captain who has run our Hawaii division very successfully for years now. The amazing Captain Casey Jean. Is it just me or is she in... In super-slow motion? Yeah. Wow. This is gonna take a while. That's how we roll. # Give it to me twice (DANCE MUSIC) Oh, fuck! (MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS) (SEAGULL SQUAWKS) (MUSIC RESUMES) # Oh, oh, oh, oh, give it to me twice All right. Here we go. Let's do it. We saw it in the coroner's... coronor's... We saw it in the corn... We saw it in the coroner's report. The coroner's report. In the coroner's report. We saw it in the coronary's report. (ALL LAUGH) Ronnie. What? Stop looking at the donuts like that and dump them. (ALL LAUGH) (BOTH LAUGH) Oh, man, that was fun. You're like a dolphin on cocaine, but not annoying at all. You're like if a human fucked a jet ski... Which is impossible, but it'd be so cool. What? (LAUGHS) OK, I got this. (GRUNTS) Come on, dude. Fuck, how'd you do that? Cos I'm fucking strong. Let's go. What do your balls say? "Don't follow Mitch's balls. Mitch's balls be stupid." (LAUGHS) Your hidden balls wanna go to the cartel? Right now. It's just a third testicle. (LAUGHS) Ugh. I need you to check his taint for needle marks. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Goddammit. (ALL LAUGH) It's, er... hairy. God, it's getting really fro-y in here. Smile. Oh, I love your chest. It is so... Uh-huh. Uh-huh. (LAUGHS) I like your chest, as well. It doesn't work when you say it back to me like that. (BOTH LAUGH) Hey, CJ, why do our suits ride so far up our asses? It makes us faster in the water. # No lie # Feel your eyes, they all over me # Don't be shy, take control of me # Get the vibe, it's gonna be lit tonight # No lie # Hypnotised, pull another one # It's all right, I know what you want Did you just... Whoa. Please. I hope that doesn't make the boob-lers... All right. I would love it if you wore tighter pants. I really would. (ALL LAUGH) Why do you get to play Mitch Buchannon? You're joking. No, I've been Mitch Buchannon for 20 years. Am I gonna be in the sequel? You should be in the sequel. Do I look like a tiny little asshole next to him? No. Oh, good.