Captions by Ericsson. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019 The year was 1985, and the number one show on TV was... Evil Bratt. The show starred young Balthazar Bratt as a child prodigy and criminal mastermind bent on world domination. There he is! Get him! I've been a bad boy! Bratt was the biggest child actor of the 1980s, striking a chord with audiences all over the world. Yay! Yeah! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo! There he is! Get him! But it all came to an end in season three, when... VOICE BREAKING: I've been a bad boy! ...the young star experienced an unexpected growth spurt. Boy? Agh! The show was cancelled. Hollywood rejected him and Bratt quickly plunged into a downward spiral, starting to actually believed he was the character he played on TV. What are you looking at? Leading us all to wonder... where is he now? You know what, Clive? Playing a villain on TV was fun, but being one in real life is even better. Heist music! Here it comes. # Take my breath away... What? Clive! What are you doing? How is that heist music? Sorry, my bad. (MUSIC: 'Bad' by Michael Jackson) # Your butt is mine. # Gonna tell you right. # Just show your face # In broad daylight. # I'm tellin' you, # Oh, how I feel. # Gonna hurt your mind... Ewww! Whoa! Gah! Mommy! Stop right... (SIREN BLARES) Sir, the ship has been boarded by some kind of... monster. Wait, that's not a monster. That's a man wearing shoulder pads. There's only one supervillain whose fashion sense is quite that dated, Balthazar Bratt. Blast it! The Dumont Diamond is on that ship! I want every agent in the area on the scene immediately. (MINIONS CHEER) Ha, ha, ha...! Whoo-hoo! We're already here! Agents Grucy are closing in fast. Yes... Wait, wha? What did you call us? Grucy. You know, Gru and Lucy mushed together. Try it. Ha-ha! I like it, but not a lot. I don't like it. Stop! On the ground! # We could change the world tomorrow. # This could be a better place. # If you don't like what I'm sayin', # Then won't you slap my face? # Because I'm bad. # I'm bad. # Come on. # Really, really bad. # You know I'm bad, I'm bad. # You know it. # Really, really bad... The jewel! Move! Go, go, go! Don't move! # And the whole world has to answer right now, # Just to tell you once again... Uh? # You know I'm bad, I'm bad. # Come on. # Really, really bad. # You know I'm bad, I'm bad. # You know it... Too late again, Gru. Ha, ha, ha... ! # And the whole world has to answer right now, # just to tell you once again. # Ow! WHAAA... ? He's getting away!! That's what he thinks. Wa-hooo! Ha, ha! Go, go! Uh... Go, go. Go, go, go! I don't think we can make it, Gru. We can make it! We can make it...! No, we can't! Get ready! Get ready for whaaa...! (MINIONS SCREAMING) Hey. How you doing? Are you OK? Hello. Oh. You guys are so cute. Go get him, Gru Gru! Hello, Gru. How's your transition coming? You know, from world's worst villain to world's worst agent? Oh, that's hilarious (!) You should be on TV. Oh, that's right, you were, but then you got cancelled. Ha-ha! What about that? Whaaa... Oh! Girls...! Oh! Dance fight! (UPBEAT '80S POP MUSIC) Ow! Alpha team, the diamond is secure. Come and pick up the package. Copy that, Alpha team on approach. Gru. Did you actually think I was unconscious? Oh. It's called acting, hoser! And clearly I've still got it! (PLAYS INTRO TO "JUMP" BY VAN HALEN) I've been a baaaaaaaad boy! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Freeze! Don't move! Son of a Betamax! Go! Go! Get him! Get him! He's getting away! This isn't over, Gru! You hear me? This is not over! Yeah? Well, I still have the diamond! (LAUGHS) OFFICE WORKERS: # Happy birthday to you. # Happy birthday to... # Happy birthday, dear Daaaaaan. # Happy birthday to you. # (CACKLING) (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Si! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) (LAUGHS) (MUSIC: 'Maria' by Ricky Martin) (HIP-HOP PLAYS FROM MONSTER TRUCK) Hey! Watch it! I can't believe Bratt got away, again. How is this possible? How... (LAUGHS) And it's not just that he got away! It's that he's so smug about it! "Ewww. I've been a baaaaaaaad boy!" Edna, hey. Looking hot... today. Got the... cats on you. And it was so humiliating. Dangling there in the bubble-gum Speedo. And I didn't have time to go to the gym this week! And I had a big breakfast! I was feeling a little bloated! You know what? He's not even worth talking about. I don't even want to waste another breath about the guy. And another thing! Next time I see Bratt, I will moonwalk all over his stupid face! Thank you all for coming at such short notice. It is with great sadness that I inform you that, as of today, I am retiring as head of the AVL. (ALL GASP) Oh, no. Your new leader is coming directly from head office, effective immediately. She is the very gifted,... very ambitious... Miss Valerie Da Vinci. As I look out over all of your faces, I am flooded with so many memories. Oh boy, this is a snoozefest. I... Excuse me. Blah blah blah. We understand. You're old, you're fat, you're done. Let me breathe in. Woo. Broke a little sweat there. (CHUCKLES) First order of business. Which one of you losers is Agent Gru?! Uh... that would be me. Although I don't know if I'd say "loser", per se, kind of a... (PHONE RINGS) Oh, it's the girls. Not a good time. Hey! Aaah! Yes, sir. Huh, uh... ma'am. You're making me nervous. How could you let Balthazar Bratt, the AVL's most-wanted villain, just get away? That is the opposite of what we do here! OK, OK, yes, maybe he got away... again, but he didn't get the diamond! And I am this close to bringing him in. This close! Huh. Interesting (!) You're fired! Huh! What? This is totally not fair. Gru is a great agent. You know what? If you fire him, you're going to have to fire me, sister-sister. And do you really want to do that? Do ya? No, no, no, no, no. (BOTH SCREAM) Well, I guess she did! It's big. So big you gotta fold it. VOICEOVER: Domino's New Yorker Big Pepperoni, just $14.99, pick up or delivered every Saturday and Sunday only. $14.99? (THUD! CROWD APPLAUDS) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) (LIGHT, UPBEAT MUSIC) (WOMAN VOCALISES) MAN: # You're a little light. # You're a little light. # You're a little light. There's a little bit of genius in all of us. All it needs is opportunity,... and that's why we built the Chorus fibre network. (SIGHS) Bula! (RHYTHMIC DRUMMING) (ALL YELL) It's impossible to sum up how Fiji makes you feel,... Bula! Honey, you didn't have to do that. I know how much you love your job. Well, I love other things more. You know, we're gonna have to tell the girls. Can you do it? The whole Mom thing is still kind of new to me. Oh, sure. Huh? Psst! (CLICKS TONGUE) (HOOTS) (VIBRATES TONGUE) Hello? Yah! (LUCY AND GRU GASP) (SHRIEKS) (GIRLS GIGGLE) ALL: Aloha! Oh! This is unexpected. Well, you never got to go on a honeymoon, so... We made you dinner! It's a luau! We got pineapples and coconuts and ukuleles! Oh ho, yay. Yay. # Hey! Ya malatika tika, hee ha! # Hey! Ya malatika tika, hee ha! (BOTH HARMONISE) Ahem. The soup of the day, madame and monsieur. The Gummi Bears were my idea. Mmm... Looks too good to even eat! Am I right? But I made it for you. Oh. Good soup! I love the combination of Gummi Bears and meat! I'm gonna hold it in my mouth, because it's so good I don't want to swallow it. So, how was work? Did you take that guy down? Did anything explode? Well, actually,... today, Lucy and I... were invited to not work at the AVL any more. (STRING TWANGS) Huh! No! You got fired? Oh, no! No, no, no... (LAUGHS) Yes. What? But don't worry. I'm sure we'll get new jobs real soon. Even better ones. (SCOFFS) What's better than being supercool secret agents? Oh, I know! You could gamble online! That's what Katie's dad does! Oh, yeah, we will definitely look into that (!) That's a good suggestion (!) And let's not go over to Katie's house any more. (PHONE RINGS) Hmm? (CHEERING) Guys, shh. I don't think you heard me right. No, no, no, no, no, no, this does not mean that we are going back to being villains. (ALL GROAN) (SPEAKS MINIONESE) OK, all right, I get it. Look, I know it's been a little tough lately, especially with Doctor Nefario accidentally freezing himself in carbonite. But our life of crime is over! Mel. Mel, you're with me on this, right? (SNORTS) Looka. Bueno... (ALL CHEER) Pin-yu. (ALL BOO) Bueno... (ALL CHEER) Pin-yu. (ALL BOO) Bueno... (ALL CHEER) Pin-yu. (ALL BOO) Minions... no le pin-yu! (ALL SHOUT) Guys! Listen to me and read my lips! Lissa me lippo, pomodoro la comquit! (ALL LAUGH) What? Wha... What did I say? "La comquit?" Oh, OK, pomodoro la kumquat. Whoa, whoa, whoa. (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Don't take that tone with me! We're not going back to villainy. (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Yes. And I don't want to hear another word about it. (ALL BLOW RASPBERRIES) Look, if you guys don't stop that right now, there will be consequences! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Hey. Don't say anything you're going to regret. (SPEAKS MINIONESE) What? You quit? You're serious? Come on. (BOTH CHUCKLE) Uh? Dave! Jerry! Great news, guys. You have been promoted. You're in charge now, eh? Not bad! BOTH: Yipa! Yipo! Yippee! Arubarubarubaruba! Arubarubarubaruba! Jeesh! (GASPS) Monsieur Pompo. To what do we owe the presence of the world's foremost gem expert? The chief of police sent me. He was concerned that during the recent heist attempt, the Dumont Diamond was replaced with a phony. Oh la-la. You have been duped. What? We have? Yes. By me! What is... ? Oh, no. Help! Ha ha ha... (MUSIC: 'Take On Me' by A-ha) I've been a bad boy! Or should I say, "Je suis un mauvais garcon!" (LAUGHS) # There's something special on the other side of this moment. # And it's something... Aw. # And it's important for you to remember we did this together. # (SNORES) Hey, Gru, whatcha doing down here? In the dark. Alone. Oh nothing, just thinking. You OK? Oh, yes, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. It's just... I don't know. I guess I just feel like a... failure. Like I don't have a purpose any more. Hey, mister, you are not a failure. If only I could've nailed Bratt. So many times, I almost had him! But now I'll never get the chance. Cos I have been kicked to the kerb. Gru, you've got to let this go. It's time to look forward. Things will get better, I promise. (SIGHS) (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Uh, excuse me. Pardon me, young... people. Would you tell me how to get to this address? Uh. Uh, ah. (SPEAKS MINIONESE) I'm looking for a Mr Gru. (SPEAKS MINIONESE, BLOWS RASPBERRY) Yeah! Yeah! Ciao! Idiots. No. Kyle. Stop! Kyle, let go. No, no. You've got to be kidding me. Lucy, did you see...? He helps you if you have nightmares, and he's really good to snuggle with... Oh, no, no, no, Agnes! Agnes! So, take good care of him. Thank you! Agnes, what are you doing? You... You sold your unicorn? Well, I just wanted to help. Since you don't have a job. I got two whole dollars for it! Awwwww. Uh, excuse me. Sorry, buddy, the sale's over. Yes, but this will only take a.... Hey, Eyebrows. Get off the lawn. Ja, but... Hey, could you...? Oh, uh, of course. Now, as I was saying. I... Uh... Oh. Goodbye. Listen, Agnes. You don't need to worry. We're going to be fine. For real? For real. Now come on, let's pack this stuff up. MAN: Ow. Ow. Seriously? Buddy, you're not getting the hint. Excuse me, Mr Gru. But I really must have a word with you. How did you know my name? Allow me to introduce myself... my name is Fritz, and... OW! Uh, good puppy. And I am inquiring on behalf of your twin brother, Dru. He needs your help. What? Twin brother? Twin brother? (MINIONS REPEAT IN MINIONESE) Oh, ja. He would like to fly you to Freedonia to meet him. Your father has recently passed away and... OK, cuckoo. I'm sorry, but my dad died when I was a baby, and I don't have any brother. You've got the wrong guy. Really? Well, then how do you explain... this? Ah-ha-ha! Bellissimo! Oh, hello, Gru. Hi, Mom. It's important to keep active in one's golden years. There you are, you cutie, you. These are my diving instructors, Vincenzo and Paolo! Ciao, boys! So what do you want? Mom, do I have a twin brother? How did you find out? Who told you? Wait, what? It's true? You never told me I had a brother! And you told me that Dad died of disappointment when I was born! Ja, ja, that was the agreement. Agreement? What are you talking about? Shortly after you and your brother were born, your father and I divorced. We each took one son to raise on our own. And promised never to see each other again. Obviously, (LAUGHS) I got second pick. I have a brother. # Take me far away... Hey, girls, how are things in row B, huh? I've put together some fun activities for the trip. Who is up for some Gin Rummy? Yeah. Umm... We're good. Oh. OK. I'll just sit here and play solitaire. I hope I win. I wonder what Dru will be like! Ooh! Maybe we'll have that twin thing where you can read each other's minds, you know? How cool would that be?! Um, super cool. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) Ooh. Aah! Ow! Ow! Whoo-hoo! Freedonia! Freedonia! Hi, piggy, piggy! Huh! Whoa! Look at that house! It's like a castle! I can't wait to meet my brother! Uh. What's with all the pigs? This is the family business. The largest pig farm in the whole of Freedonia. OK, nice pig. No! That's my private part! Owww! This pig has issues! Please, come in. Wow. Yeah, ha-ha! (GASPS) Oh, this is amazing! Ah, it's like the Sistine Chapel. But with pigs. (LAUGHS) My brother! BOTH: My brother! Gru! Dru! (HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH) Ohhh! Brother! I am hugging you! I'm so happy! After all these years, finally I'm meeting you! Yep, all right, good. Oh, look at that! Whoo! You must be the beautiful wife! Beautiful, oh. Stop it! Sweet talker. How is my brother finding a wife like you when he is so bald? (LAUGHS) I'm joking! Whoo-hoo! These must be my nieces! Huh! You're Agnes, you're small with big eyes! And it makes me want to put you in my pocket! You can't do that. I'm too big. And Edith, I can tell that you are a little mischievous. UNDER HIS BREATH: We're going to have to make a little trouble later. Wha... I already have! Ow. Ow! Ow! (GIRLS GIGGLE) Please, stop. Why are you doing that? Ow! Ow. Fist bump for mischievous behaviour. And Margo! Oh, you are so mature. I'm guessing what... 15? 15? She's 12! She looks 12 and will always be 12. So, Dru, this place is amazing. I mean, you just walk through the doors and you're like, woo-woo-woo-woo! (CHUCKLES) Ah. It's nice, I guess, sure. I'm not really into "things". Wow! This is so cool! Oh my gosh. He's even got a helicopter! This is the best! Yes, the best. All right, let's go home now. Home? Why? I don't know. This guy, with the mansion and the cars and all the hair, with the silky-smooth, luxurious hair. I feel worse than I did before I came. Oh, but he's your brother, Gru. Give this a chance. Oh, I was thinking, while Gru and I catch up on some brother stuff, you girls should go with Fritz. He has a surprise for you. Yay! Awesome. I love surprises! Oh, this is perfect. Mother-daughter bonding time. Let's do it. Whoop-whoop! Bye! You boys have fun. Ha-ha-ha! Whoopee! Now you can be as evil as Balthazar Bratt with the evil Bratt action figure, featuring music activated Break Dance mode. Also featuring bubble gum-launching shoulder pads. And the all new Mega Diamond Laser. No more math! I've been a bad boy! Ha-ha-ha! Mega Diamond Laser does not actually incinerate books. How could Hollywood cancel a show that produced toys like this, Clive? Evil Bratt was a masterpiece. Does no one value true art any more? It's a disgrace and a travesty, sir. Well, now that I've got the diamond, it's payback time. Oh, it's too bad Gru won't be around to try and stop me (!) Oh, wait! No, it's not! I hate that dweeb! And you, Hollywood! This time, I'm cancelling you! And all the losers who rejected me! (LAUGHS MANICALLY) Ooh, piggy, piggy! So how are things going for you, career-wise? Ah-ha-ha, great. So, so great. Crushing it. Well, I've got something that I think you will find very interesting. Hold on to your face, brother. Whaaaaaaaaaa! Yeehaw! Ya, ya! Eh. What? Yeehaw! (PIG SQUEALS) (YELLS) Ow! (MINIONS YELL) Huh? Ah! Salami! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Salami. Ah, si, si. It's Salami. (SQUEALS) Whoa. Whoa. Come on, come on. (GIGGLES) (GASPS) What is all this? The pig farm was just a cover for the real family business. Huh? Ha-ha! Hey. Es Gru con boobs! (LAUGHS) Now, feast your eyes on... Dad's lair! Ta-da! Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. So our dad was a villain? No, no, no. Not just a villain, but one of the greatest of all time! He was known as the Bald Terror. That's him? Our dad? He was so proud of you, and what a great villain you were. He was? But me, not so much. To Dad, I was... just a failure. He never thought I had what it took to be a villain. But now you can help me prove him wrong. Brother, teach me the art of villainy! No. No, no, no. I can't do that. What? But it's our family tradition! You can't say no to that! Look, I'm sorry. I left that life behind me. End of story. Oh. OK. I understand. Hmmm. I wonder what this does (?) Huh? (BOTH YELL) BOTH: Aaah! Holy moly! Dad's villain wheels. Pretty slick, huh? Hey, you want to take her out for a spin? Just for some fun? Hmmmmm... # Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh. (SINGS IN FIJIAN) (SINGS IN FIJIAN) (ALL SING IN FIJIAN) It's funny ` the whole world is searching for happiness. Here, it finds you. It's big. So big you gotta fold it. VOICEOVER: Domino's New Yorker Big Pepperoni, just $14.99, pick up or delivered every Saturday and Sunday only. $14.99? Whoo-hoo! Look out! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ha-ha! What a beautiful day! Zero to 400 in three seconds. Able to withstand a nuclear blast, armed to the teeth! Oh, yeah. That's pretty nice. And it's a hybrid. Look out! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Yeah! Help me! I am not enjoying this! Yeah-ha-haaa! (ALL SING) Whoa. What is going on here? Welcome to the annual Freedonian Cheese Festival! Go! (ALL CHEER) Ooh. Look. Look. Look at all the candies. Whoa! Peep, peep, peep, peep. Peep, peep. Lucy, can we get these, please? OK, but only one each. I mean it. Awww. Oh, man. No, I don't! Get as many as you want, I don't care! BOTH: Yay! Awesome! Um... What? It's OK to tell them no sometimes, too, you know. Moms need to be tough. Right. Right, tough. Good one. I can totally do that. You know, still figuring out this mom thing. Getting my sea legs, matey! (SCREAMS) It's a unicorn! Can we go in there? Please, please, please, please, please? (MAN GRUNTS) Um, sure. Yeah. But first, let's, um... Ooh, look! It's a traditional Freedonian dance! How amazing does that look? # Sing, sing, sing Chee! # Chee! I love this. The little girls go and get the cheese from the little boys. That's adorable. Oh, look at that poor little guy, with his little boots. Nobody picked him. Margo, why don't you go up there? No way! OK. Wait a minute. No. Go take a bite of his cheese, young lady. Right now. What? I'm being tougher. You know, like you said. No. I meant be tougher on them, not me. Oh, come on, just do it. What's the worst that could happen? Fine. (GASPS) Wow! Hey there, I'm Margo. Hello, Margo. I am Niko. Would you like some of my cheese? Mmm... Yes, yes, yes! Thank you, Margo! Thank you! Bam! I am a great mother. Did you see that, girls? I lay down the... Oh, no. Where are they? Agnes? Edith? Hello. (GASPS) Look! A unicorn horn! My little brain is going to explode! Ugh, Agnes. That's fake. Oh-ho-ho-ho, it's real all right. That horn came from the Crooked Forest. The only place on earth where unicorns still live. (LAUGHTER) Laugh! Laugh, all of you! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! They all think I'm crazy. But I'm telling you, I saw one once. With my own eye! Wait, wait, wait. You saw a for-real, live unicorn? What did it look like? (GASPS) Did you pet it? Did it smell like candy? Was it fluffy? It was so fluffy, I thought I was gonna die. Do you think maybe I could find one, too? They say if a maiden pure of heart goes into the Crooked Forest, the unicorn will come and be hers forever. (SQUEAKS) (SCREAMS) Agnes! Goal! Excuse me! Girls! Don't worry, I'm here! Are you OK? Yeah, we're fine. Are you? Unicorns are really real! And I'm gonna find one! Sorry, I went a little mama bear on you. You know, I heard a scream and... Yeah, OK. Have a good one! Wait for me here! Don't... Stop that! Ow! You kicked me. Hey! Hey! What are you doing? (ALARM WAILS) (GIGGLES) Did you just steal candies? Yes! That's a lot of effort for two lollipops. (SIRENS BLARE) Oh, no! The police! What do we do? What do we do? Come on! This is gonna be fun! The police are gonna get us! I'm freaking out! Pigs! Cops! (LAUGHS) Whoa, they're back! (BOTH LAUGH) Man, that was crazy! We were so close to getting busted. Tell me about it. I thought you were going to pee your pants! I did! You did! (BOTH LAUGH) (MINIONS GROAN) Mel, foo-faaaa... Ugh. Hey, Mel. (SPEAKS MINIONESE) (ALL SPEAK MINIONESE) (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Spaghetti! ALL CHANT: Pizza! Pizza! Pizza! Pizza! Pizza! Pizza! Hey! What are you doing? Intruders! Intruders! (DOG BARKS) Stop! Hey, you! Don't move! Halt! Call for backup! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) (MUSIC STARTS) (SPEAKS MINIONESE) No, no, no. No, no, no. Uh, Uh... (MIC FEEDBACK) (SINGS IN MINIONESE TO THE TUNE OF "MODERN MAJOR GENERAL" BY GILBERT AND SULLIVAN) (SIGHS) (ALL SING IN MINIONESE) (CROWD CHEERS) Get 'em! Go! Go! (ALL GASP) (CROWD CHEERS) Hey, you! Freeze! Don't move! Hands in the air! (SIGHS CONTENTEDLY) Face it, Gru. Villainy is in your blood. You can't tell me you don't miss the rush a little. Uh... Yeah, maybe a little. And now you've got the chance to get back on top. Get your mojo back. Become Gru again! How awesome would that be? Oh, please, come on, just one heist. There's got to be something out there, somewhere, that you still want to steal. Hmm. There is something. (GASPS) How about we steal... the largest diamond in the world? Yes! I love it! Oh, thank you, Brother! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! (BOTH CHEER, LAUGH) Oh! You know what? We should do something to celebrate. Oh-ho! I've got the perfect idea. Mmm. Mmm. Fritz, my good fellow, could you get me another napkin, please? Oh, yes, of course, Miss Edith. (HOOTER BLASTS, MINIONS LAUGH) Hey, where are Gru and Dru? Here we are! How's it going? It's me, Gru. And me, Dru. I hug everybody whether they like it or not. Why are they pretending to be each other? Oh! What's for dinner? I probably won't like it. I'm so grumpy all the time! Hey! I laugh a lot! And I'm kind of an idiot! (BOTH LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY) Oh, a bust in the gut. Look at them! They had no idea! Total burn. Oh, look, it's me, Gru! And I'm Dru! We switched places! Awww. It's so nice to see you two are getting along. Oh, we're getting... ...along perfectly. Wait. Did we... ...just finish... ..each... ...other's... BOTH: ...sentences? (BOTH LAUGH) Aw, that's delightful (!) Not creepy at all (!) And you're gonna stop now, though, right? Sorry, it's a twin thing. Uh-huh. So,... what did you guys do today? BOTH: Nothing! (MUNCHES) OK. What is it...? All done! Pardon me! Out of the way! Goodnight, everybody! Hey, hey, hey, put the brakes on. What's the rush? I need to get to bed so I can wake up and find a unicorn! Goodnight! What was that about? Agnes thinks she's going to find a real unicorn in the woods tomorrow. She's totally freaking out. I feel like someone's got to tell her the truth. Not it! Oh, don't worry. Parenting 101. I've got this. Ummm... And please bless that when I find the unicorn, he'll want to come home with me and sleep in my room. And that I can ride him to school every day. And he will use his magical powers to help me do math. Amen. (DOOR CREAKS) Oh. Hi, Gru. Hey. So,... big day tomorrow. Yeah, I'm finally going to get to see a unicorn! For reals. If I do, can I bring it home, please? Ohhh, yeah, sure. Tell you what ` every unicorn you find, you can bring it home. I'd better build a big pen, right? But you know,... there's a chance that you might not find one. Huh? I'm... It might not be good unicorn-finding weather. Um... They're tricky to find them. And I don't know, maybe, just... Maybe... unicorns don't... really ex... explore that... part of the woods. But the man said a maiden could find one if she was pure in heart. And I'm pure in heart, right? The purest. Can we stop talking now? (WHISPERS) I need to get to sleep. Goodnight, sweetie. Goodnight, Gru. # Unicorns I love them. Unicorns I love them. # Huh! Aaaah! (THUD!) I'm OK. It's big. So big you gotta fold it. VOICEOVER: Domino's New Yorker Big Pepperoni, just $14.99, pick up or delivered every Saturday and Sunday only. $14.99? (MUSIC: 'Freedom' by Pharrell Williams) Uh. Hey! Give that back! Huh? Come on! Guys! Don't leave me! Oh, no! Run! (MEN SCREAM) # We choose to believe # in where we're from. # Man's red flower. # It's in every living thing. # Mind, use your power. # Spirit, use your wings. # Freedom! # Freedom! # Freedom! # Freedom. We've been waiting a long time. No. No. Ow! No. Please, don't. Huh? Gru? Oh... (WHIMPERS) (SOBS) Broke. (LAUGHS IN DELIGHT) Oh. Uh? (GASPS) (MUSIC: 'Freedom' by Pharrell Williams) Buddies! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) (ALL SHOUT AND CHEER) # Freedom! # # Because I'm training for the big day. # Nobody's gonna stop me, # cos I am super sassy. Super sassy, super sassy. # What's today's plan, boss? What's the plan? Silly robot. I'll show you the plan. Time to watch a very special episode of Evil Bratt to see exactly what I'm going to do to stupid Tinseltown. This week on Evil Bratt... (PEOPLE SCREAM) It's a giant Evil Bratt robot! Open fire! Nice try, coppers. Chew on this! He's shooting his super-sticky, self-inflating gum! Run! Gum one! Gum all! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Gum one. Gum all. Seriously, how did this show never win an Emmy? And now, it's your turn to shine, my diamond! Hey, Clive. I guess you can say our plan was... out of this world. (BOTH LAUGH) Now that's entertainment. Come on. Let's make it a reality. Here we are, in the dark and creepy Crooked Forest, in search of the mythical unicorn. For some reason. And here she is, the fearless unicorn hunter, seeking the... Edith, stop it! You're gonna scare away the unicorn! If somehow we actually find a unicorn, I'm gonna film it and get rich. (GASPS) Look over there! Whoa! This is it! This is where we're gonna see it! Unicorns, here we come. What's that for? Bait. Duh! Come on! Now all we have to do is wait. OK. This is Bratt's lair. It may not look like much, but this place is armed with some of the most hi-tech weaponry known to man. It's considered impenetrable. But a piece of cake for us, right, brother? Yes, this is not like stealing lollipops. Whoa! His security system can detect an air assault from any direction. No! Ouch! No! Ouch! Please! Stop! Ouch! So we'll have to approach low and close to the water. Next. Then there are these deadly spikes. Ha-ha ha-ha! Geronimo! Covered with enough poison to blow your mind... literally. Ouch! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ah... Good to know. So here's the plan. You're the getaway driver. (GASPS) So you'll wait in the boat. Wait, hold on. Wait in the boat? But... I want to be in on the actions! Dru, the getaway driver is the most crucial part of any plan. Do you know how hard it is doing nothing, touching nothing, with all of the adrenaline coursing through your veins? And you must wait. Can I count on you? I guess so. So, I'll climb up to the cube and enter here. Then once I'm inside, I'll find the diamond. I've underestimated Bratt before. It's not going to be easy. I think we can handle it. Dad's villain suits! This will make us unstoppable. Whoa. Ay, Chihuahua! I call the black one! It's go time! (DOORBELL RINGS) Hello. Oh, hi. Hello, mother of Margo. I am Niko. I present you with pig to confirm my engagement to your daughter. (SQUEALS) Ha-ha-ha! Hey, what now? What's going on? Remember, little boots? Hello, my schmoopsie poo. Whoa! Hey! He seems to think you're engaged. What? We're not engaged! Look, Niko, you seem like a very nice boy with a very nice pig. Uh, but you're not engaged. OK? It's not happening. I understand. Who was I kidding? A dumpling like me with a goddess like you? But I promise ` I will never forget you, Margo. Never. Oh, I'm pretty sure I won't forget you either. Bye. Bye, Niko. Wow, that was crazy! Whooo! That was totally humiliating! Taking a bite of that cheese was the stupidest thing I've ever done. Why did I listen to you? Right, but it's over now, so... (BANGING ON DOOR) Ugh, here we go. Niko... (GASPS) You refuse my son's engagement pig? What? May you and your daughter die a slow death and be buried with onions! (SPITS) (SPITS) All right, lady. That's it! Nobody ` nobody ` curses my daughter! You got that? Because if you mess with Margo, you mess with me! And I promise, you do not want to mess with me! Do you understand me? Yes, yes. Good. Now, GET! (MUTTERS) Look, Margo. I think we just need to... Oh. Yes! Oh! I have to tell Gru! (BOTH GIGGLE) (SIGHS) Bula! (CHUCKLES) Bula! Bula! Bula! Bula! (SIGHS) ALL: Bula! Ah. (SCREAMS) (ALL SCREAM) It's impossible to sum up how Fiji makes you feel. Bula! But one word comes close. (YAWNS) Can we go back now? Already? Just a couple more hours! We have to be home before it gets dark. (SIGHS) I don't understand. I did exactly what the man said. You mean that one-eyed, scar-faced man that everybody laughed at? Yeah. It makes no sense. Look, Agnes, maybe we're not... (BRANCHES CRACK, BOTH GASP) Ooh! My whole life has been building to this moment! (WHINNIES SHRILLY) (GASPS) Um. It's a... Unicorn! (GIGGLES) I can't believe it! (BLEATS) (GASPS) I'm gonna name you Lucky! Oh, Lucky, stop it! (LAUGHS) Yeah. I'll let someone else burst her bubble. Look at us! Two brothers pulling a heist. And that diamond will make us the richest, most powerful villains in the world! Right, brother? Right. Yeah. Yeah... Bravo! Bravissimo! You're amazing! I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed. I was very rude. And you were always such a gentleman. You did it! You did it! You got our jobs back. What? Oh, yeah. Right. Sure. Oh, look, we're here! I'm going in. Take the wheel. I still don't see why I can't go with you. Hey, hey, we discussed this. Now is not the time to mess with the plan. Fine. Hey, brother. What? I told you, you were supposed to stay with the boat! Oh, I didn't think you meant that literally. What other way could I have meant it? (SIGHS) All right. Let's move. Just follow my lead. Got it. Help me! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh, no! The poison spikes! Oh, I'm gonna be impaled! Ha-ha! I'm OK! (SIGHS) I miss the Minions. Come on! Ahhh! Ah! Coming. (GRUNTS) Coming. (GRUNTS) Come on. (YELLS) It's a scanning device! Quick ` camouflage mode. Freeze! And close your eyes. And cover your mouth! (SQUEAKS) OK. Take my hand! (BOTH GRUNT) (GROANS) Ha-ha. Follow me! (AIR EXPELS) (YELLS) Ha-ha! (SHRIEKS) Look out! Aargh! (BOTH YELL) You're right. I should've stay in the boat. My stomach feels all queasy. I shouldn't have eaten that pot pie. (GROANS) Hey. Hey. Relax. You're going to be just fine. I got your back. Come on, this way. (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Go, go, go! Eh. Peter. (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Oh, OK, OK. # One more time, tell them. # We've been down together for so long. # Solid and strong. # The lights went out. # Can't tell you what to do. It's not allowed. # You don't like crowds. # But you gotta get out. Go, go. Go, go, go! # You could change the world if you change your route. # Gotta leave your house. # Go inside out. # I know you're probably saying jeez. Huh? Hey, come back. # Cos you really didn't believe. # You didn't think that we would go, go, go. # Well, you know what they say about the show. # Even if you don't play, it must go on. Hello. Hello. Hello. # But don't take it, no way. Me and my bros got to do it. # Do it! Do it! Do it! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) (MUMBLES) # Do it! Do it! Do it! # Do it! Hey-ya! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) # We just got to do it! # Bud-Buddy. Buddy! Buddy!!! And a 9-pack of Chicken Fries from Burger King. Tonight, I'll be eating a Three Pepper Chicken Subway Footlong Sub and Choc Chip Cookies from Subway. Mmm! (SAXOPHONE BLARES TUNELESSLY) Tonight, I'll be eating a Whopper Meal with a Lime Shake. And a 9-pack of Chicken Fries from Burger King. (DOORBELL DINGS) Chur. (SAXOPHONE BLARES TUNELESSLY) (DOORBELL DINGS) Oh, guys, that was amazing. Oh, really? No. Hmm. So, that was sarcasm? GRU: It looks like it's right above us. DRU: OK! What do I do? Should I wait in the vent? No. Come with me. (SIGHS) (GASPS) Yes, I'd like to thank the Academy. I can... No, no, no, no, no... Why? I can do it. Don't, don't, don't! Yes, yes, Molly Ringwald. I will take you to the prom. (MUSIC PLAYS) What? Who? Where? What? Who's there? Who's there? (ALARM BUZZES) (MUSIC: '99 Luftballons' by Nena) (MUSIC STOPS) # 99 red balloons... # Whoops! Almost forgot. Oh. Shh, shh. Over here! Stay close! Huh! Whaaa...? Dolls. Looks like Bratt was the only one stupid enough to buy this junk. Oh. I used to have one of these! Pew-pew-pew! Aaah! Oww! Hey! Shh! Come on! All right. We're getting close. From now on, every move must be made with ultra precision and purpose. (GIGGLES) Gum! Focus! We're after the diamond, not the bubble gum! Got it. Mmm, yum! This way! And now to put this where it belongs. Wha...? Look at it, Clive. It's beautiful! (GRUNTS) Will you please shut up? He's gonna spot us. Spit it out! Spit it out! I told you not to touch anything! (CHOKES) Intruders! Intruders! Intruders! Freeze, dipsticks! Gru? There's two of you now? Then this will be twice as much fun. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Give me back my diamond! Total lockdown! Go get 'em, Bratt Pack! They're gonna get us! They're gonna get us! Run! (SCREAMS) 'Oh no'? What does that mean? Are we gonna die? Are we gonna die? We're gonna die! (SCREAMS) What? Hey, guys. Hold on! Lucy! Thank you for saving us! Whoo! Look! We got the diamond! And we're going to... Take it to the AVL and get our jobs back! Wait! What? That's amazing! And the best part is you'll never ever go behind my back ever again! Right, honeybear? Yup! Yup! Right. Lesson learned. I'll get the girls and start packing and tell them the good news! Ah, we're getting our jobs back, yeah! Yes. Yes. Go tell the girls. Dru. No. No way! We can't give the diamond back! I have to. No, you don't! Yes, I do. Give it. No! Give it! Ow! What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? You kicked me! You` You lied to me. Hey. I would have told you the truth. But you're too much of a wimp to handle it. That's it, I'm out of here. You have no right to take that. We stole it together. Together? (LAUGHS) You've got to be kidding me. You did nothing but screw up the whole time. I got this in spite of you. Oh, yeah? Well, at least I didn't get fired from my job like a total loser. At least I had a job. What have you accomplished that was so great? I'll tell you what ` nothing! No wonder Dad thought you were such a failure. (GASPS) We are no longer brothers! That's fine with me! Ugh! (UKULELE STRUMS) (SINGS IN MINIONESE TO THE TUNE OF "99 BOTTLES OF BEER") (ALL SING) (GIRLS GIGGLE) Gru! I found a unicorn! (SINGS) My life is complete! (SIGHS) Honey, that's... That's not actually a unicorn. Huh? But` But he has one horn. I'm` I'm sorry, sweetie, but... he's just a goat. Life is just like that sometimes. We're hoping for a unicorn and we get a goat. Well, you know what? Lucky is the best goat in the whole wide world! Look at that face! I just want to squeeze it. Whoo-hoo! (SINGS) Whoo! I'll take this. You've been a bad boy, Gru. Can you get the rest of the suitcases? Come on, girls, let's go! # Let's get physical, physical! # (CONTINUES SINGING) Change of plan, girls. Instead of going home... Eyebrows. Ow! We're going to Hollywood! Ha-ha-ha! Now that's what I call acting. Let's go, Clive. We've got a giant robot waiting. (CLIVE LAUGHS) (BANGING) Huh? (GASPS) Lucy? Bratt ` he took the girls! What? No! Dru! Dru! Go away. I don't want to talk to you. Bratt has the girls! (GASPS) Listen, brother, what... About what I said. No, I'm the one... But I shouldn't have... I'm` I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Gru. Awww. Oh, look out! What is that? (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Caramba! Caramba! CARAMBAAAAA! Mel? Huh? Gru? (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Gru! Wait up! GRUUUUU... (PEOPLE SCREAM) (LAUGHS) Hello, Hollywood! I'm back and bigger than ever. (SCREAMS) I'm scared! Thank you. Thank you so... You can't leave me here! I'm famous! (LAUGHS) Clive, arm the cannons. Chew on this! (LAUGHS MANICALLY) Hey, mullet-head. Let us out! Oh, don't worry, girls. I've prepared a front-row seat for you. ALL: Whoa! (BRAKES SCREECH) (GIRLS SCREAM) Waaah! Agnes! Once again, I win and Gru loses. Enjoy the show, girls. (ALL GASP) ...but one word comes close. It's big. So big you gotta fold it. VOICEOVER: Domino's New Yorker Big Pepperoni, just $14.99, pick up or delivered every Saturday and Sunday only. $14.99? What in the heck? Oh! I hope the girls are OK. Bratt! Brother! 9 o'clock. No, 3 o'clock. He's on the left! (GASPS) No! I've seen this episode. He's going to bubble gum the whole city and send it up into space. Hurry! This is it. This is it. Lights! Camera! Laser! (PEOPLE SCREAM) Yeah. (SCREAMS) Look. I've got the girls. You two go take care of Bratt. Wait! What are you doing? Look, you guys. It's Lucy. Lucy, over here. Help! Help us! Mama's coming, girls. Lucy! Right here! Lucy! Look at that laser go. I love it when a plan comes together. Aaaah! It's Gru! (LAUGHS) Get ready, Bratt. You're about to be blasted back to the '80s. Ah-ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! Ah-ho! We got him! Oh, no! Don't worry. There's more where that came from. It'll take more than that to stop me. Bratt pack, go get that barf-bag. (CLIVE CACKLES) Oh, incoming! Ow. Ow. Ow. You little... Quick! Jump! Bonus! Did you see that, Clive? All gone. Bye-bye, Wonder Twins. Whoa! Ooh-la-la! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Bubbles! Help! Help! Hang on! (GIRLS YELL) Hang on, girls! I got you! I can't. I'm slipping! No! Gotcha. Thank you, Lucy. Let's go! We're not safe yet! Minions! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Yipee ki-yay the bubbles! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Pop the bubbles! (ALL CHEER) (SPEAKS MINIONESE) (BOTH CACKLE EVILLY) Look at what we have here. Sorry, Gru. This is going to be a total burn. Oh, no. No! No, no, no, no... I've been a bad boy! (LAUGHS) Nobody messes with my brother! Aaaah! Aaaaahh! What? What's happening? Dru! Hold on! I'm coming! You've ruined everything. And now it's time to die. Any last words, Gru? You know what? I got two words for you. Dance fight. ('80S DANCE MUSIC STARTS) Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong. I'm going to enjoy this. (MUSIC: 'Get Into The Groove' by Madonna) # Get into the groove. # Boy, you've got to prove # your love to me, yeah. # Get up on your feet, yeah... Enough! My turn. # Music can be such a revelation. # Dancing around, you feel the sweet sensation. # We might be lovers if the rhythm's right. # I hope this feeling never ends tonight. # Uh-oh. (MUSIC STOPS) Game over! (LAUGHS) Is this what you're looking for? No! Ow! Ow! Ow! (MUSIC: 'Money For Nothing' by Dire Straits) (YELLS) No! Curse you, Gru! Curse you. Bill! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Robert! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Chuck! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Dru. Dru! (BOTH LAUGH) Hey, we did it. Yes, we did, brother. LUCY: Gru! EDITH: Uncle Dru! Girls! (BOOM!) (MINIONS SHOUT) Gru! Hey, Mel. Welcome back. (MINIONS CHEER) # There's something special on the other side of this moment. # And it's about what you and I decide. # And it's important for you to remember we did this together. # Love you, Mom. I'm a mom. (GASPS) I'm a mom! (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Ha-ha! Ha-ha ha... (SPEAKS MINIONESE) Boys, time for bed. We're back at work in the morning. I'm coming, sweetie. Hi, Lucy. See you tomorrow, brother. Hey, I'm back on the job, so no villainy tonight. Huh, got it? I make no promises. Love you! Uh-huh, right. I love you too. MINIONS: Awwww. All right, every... Go. Go. Go to bed. Hey, guys. Come on. Shhh. Shhhh. (MINIONS GIGGLE) What? What is happening? It's coming from outside! (GASPS) Hey, I thought we said no more villainy! Sorry, brother. Somebody's got to keep the family tradition alive. Yoo-hoo. Right? (MINIONS CHEER) Yeah! Kumbaya! (LAUGHS) Let's get him. Honey, he's my brother. We'll give him a five-minute head start. (LAUGHS) # Hey! Why do you insist on trying to give me away? # When they were too good and you wanted to shake them, who came? # I was your dirty boy, your good new secret toy. # Show me how they get you joy. # Who stayed in trouble with you? # Oh, don't you want some more? # Come on. I think they're gone. # Our part is coming on. # You're either with me or doomed. # Hug me. # Bring it in. Whoo! # Would you loosen up? Would ya... # Hug me. # Bring it in. Whoo! # I think they wanna take a picture. # Wake up. You're sleeping on me, playing this stupid game. # Why can't we flex on the world and make them say our name? # Our favourite colour's purple. # We stay out past the curfew. # My kung-fu grip will hurt you. # Who stayed in trouble with you? # You dyed your hair like me, black so everyone can see. # Your parents couldn't believe. # You're either with me or doomed. # Hug me. # Bring it in. Whoo! # Would ya loosen up? Would ya... # Hug me. # Bring it in. Whoo! # I think they wanna take a picture. # Who stayed in trouble with you? # You're either with me or doomed. # Hug me. # Bring it in. Whoo! # Would ya loosen up? Would ya... # Hug me. # Bring it in. Whoo! # Would ya loosen up? Would ya... # Hug me. # Bring it in. Whoo! # I think they wanna take a picture. # Hug me. # Bring it in. Whoo! # Would ya loosen up? Would ya... # Hug me. # Bring it in. Whoo!