Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019 (MUSIC BECOMES MOMENTOUS) (MUSIC BUILDS) Things are never going to be the same now. I mean, look at this. We got aliens. We got big, green guys tearing down buildings. When I was a kid I used to draw cowboys and Indians. Actually, it's Native American, but... Yeah, tell you what, though... Not bad, is it? No, yeah. Kid's got a future. Yeah, well... We'll see, I guess. (GRAND MUSIC) (MUSIC BECOMES UNSETTLED) (STEADY WHIRRING) (CHATTER) No, hey... Uh-uh. You can't saw through that stuff. These alien bastards are tough. You gotta use the stuff they use. See? All right. All right. Oh, hey. Glad you could join us. Afternoon. My alarm didn't go off... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your alarm. Look, just go stack that armour plating like I asked. This is a huge deal for us. Attention, please. In accordance with Executive order 396-B, all post-battle clean-up operations are now under our jurisdiction. Thank you for your service. We'll take it from here. Who the hell are you? Qualified personnel. Look, I have a city contract, to salvage all this, OK? With the city, so... I apologise, Mr Toomes. But all salvage operations are now under our jurisdiction. Please turn over any and all exotic materials that you've collected, or you will be prosecuted. Ma'am, what are.... Please, wait up, come on. Look... I bought trucks for this job. I've brought in a whole new crew. These guys have families. I have a family. I'm all in on this. I can lose my house! I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do. Maybe next time, don't overextend yourself. What'd you say? (WHISTLES) Yeah. He's right. I overextended myself. (GRUNTING, SHOUTING) Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Put them down. If you have a grievance, you may take it up with my superiors. Your superiors? Who the hell are they?! The joint venture between Stark Industries and the federal government, the Department of Damage Control, will oversee the collection and storage of alien and other exotic materials. So now the assholes who made this mess are getting paid to clean it up? Yeah, it's all rigged. Experts estimate there are over 1,500 tonnes of exotic materials scattered throughout the Tristate area. Hey, Chief, we still have another load from yesterday. We're supposed to turn this in, right? I ain't hauling it. It's too bad. We could've made some pretty cool stuff from all that alien junk. I tell you what. Let's keep it. (DETERMINED MUSIC) The world's changing. It's time we change, too. (THE ROLLING STONES' 'CAN'T YOU HEAR ME KNOCKING') (MUSIC CONTINUES) # Yeah, you got satin shoes. # Yeah, you got plastic boots. # Y'all got cocaine eyes. # Yeah, you got speed-freak jive. There you go, Mason. (HE CHUCKLES) Business is good. # Can't you hear me knockin'? # ('THEME FROM SPIDER-MAN') (MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC FLOURISHES) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY) New York, Queens. It's a rough borough, but hey, it's home. Who are you talking to? No-one. Just making a little video of the trip. You know you can't show it to anyone. Yeah, I know. Then why are you narrating in that voice? Hmm. Because it's fun. 'Fun'. So, uh, why do they call you Happy'? Come on. I'm not carrying your bags. Let's go. Hey, should I go to the bathroom before? There's a bathroom on it. Whoa, no pilot? That's awesome! (PETER EXHALES LOUDLY) Is that where you're going to sit? Yeah. Is it your first time on a private plane? It's my first time on any plane. STAMMERS: Should it be making that noise? (HE SHUSHES) (HE SNORES, PETER CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (RUSTLING) No-one has actually told me why I'm in Berlin. Or what I'm doing. Something about, Captain America going crazy... This is you. Oh, we're neighbours? We're not roommates. Suit up. OK, Peter. You got this. What the hell are you wearing? It's my suit. Where's the case? What case? That's not my - what? I thought that was a closet. This is still my room? Go, please. My room is way bigger than I... Hey, I found the case. I found the case. I found the case. 'A minor upgrade'? Whoa! Oh, my God! Put it on. (PETER STAMMERS) This is the coolest thing I've ever seen, ever! Let's go! But, I don't understand, is - is it for me? Happy, Happy, wait! This is... insane! Insane! Look at this thing! Look! Look at the eyes! This is the greatest day of my life. Let's go. OK. C'mon. WHISPERS: OK. There's Captain America, Iron Man, Black Widow... Whoa, who's that new guy? Underoos! That's me! I gotta go, I gotta go! Hey, everyone. (RUMBLING, EXPLOSIONS) OK, so the craziest thing just happened, right? I just had a fight with Captain America and I stole his shield, and I threw it at him, and I... What the hell... He's big now! I gotta go. Hang on. (SHOUTING) It was, the most amazing thing that's ever happened. So Mr Stark's like, 'Hey, Underoos!' And I just sort of flipped in, and I stole Cap's shield, and I was like, 'Hey, what's up, everybody?' (KNOCK ON DOOR) Hey, just a second. Coming. Hey! We have thin walls here. What are you doing, a little video diary? Yeah. It's all right. I told him not to do it. He was filming everything. Hey, hey, hey... I'll get him to wipe the chip. You know what, we should make an alibi video for your aunt, anyway. You ready? OK. Get in the frame. OK. Hey, May. How are you doing? What are you wearing? Something skimpy, I hope. (HE CHUCKLES) Peter, that's inappropriate. Let's start over. We can edit it. 3, 2, 1. Hey, May! My gosh... Wanted to tell you what an incredible job your nephew did this weekend at the Stark Internship retreat. Everyone was impressed. (THUDDING, HORN BLARES) Come on! It's a friggin' merge, I'm sorry. This, cos you're not on Queens Boulevard. See, Happy is hoping to get bumped up to Asset Management. He was forehead of security. And before that, he was just a driver. That was a private conversation. I don't like joking about this. It was hard for me to talk to you about that... No seriously, was he snoring a bunch on the plane? OK, here we go... (TYRES SCREECH) Whoops. (CHUCKLING) Happy, can you give us a moment? You want me to leave the car? I want you to grab Peter's case out of the trunk. (SIREN WAILS) I can keep the suit? (TRUNK OPENS, SHUTS) Yes, we were just talking about it. (HE CLEARS THROAT) Do me a favour, though... Happy's kind of your point guy in this. Don't stress him out. Don't do anything stupid. I've seen his cardiogram. All right? Yes. Don't do anything I would do. And definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do. There's a little grey area in there and that's where you operate. Wait, does that mean that I'm an Avenger? No. (KNOCK ON WINDOW) This is it? Seventh floor. I can take that up. You don't have to take it. You're going to take it? Yeah. I can take that. Thank you. (SUITCASE THUDS) So, when's our next retreat, you know? What? Next mission? (CAR DOOR OPENS, SHUTS) Yeah, the mission, the missions. We'll call you. Well, did you have my number? No, I mean we'll call you. Like, someone will call you. Oh. From your team. All right? That's not a hug, I'm just grabbing the door for you. We're not - we're not there yet. Bye! (TYRES SCREECH) They're going to call me. (WARM NOTE) (WHINING, GRINDING, INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT) (SPOON'S 'THE UNDERDOG') (MUSIC CONTINUES) (CHATTER) ('THE UNDERDOG' CONTINUES) (HORN TOOTS, TYRES SCREECH) What's up, Penis Parker? Rise and shine, Midtown Science and Technology. Students, don't forget about your homecoming tickets. Do you have a date for homecoming? Thanks, Jason, but I already have a date. OK. Yep. (MAN EXCLAIMS) You, in my office, right now! ('THE UNDERDOG' CONTINUES) (MUSIC ENDS) (CHATTER) Join me, and together, we'll build my new Lego Death Star. What?! So lame. No way, that's awesome! How many pieces? 3,803. That's insane. I know! You want to build it tonight? I can't tonight. I got the Stark internship. Stark internship. Yeah, exactly. Always got that internship. Hopefully, soon it'll lead to a real job. That would be so sweet. He'd be all, 'Good job on those spreadsheets, Peter. Here's a gold coin.' I don't know how jobs work. That's exactly how they work. I'll knock out the basic bones of the Death Star at my place, and then I'll come by afterwards. Because for the most part, the difficult thing will be just the base of it. The top half will.... (WISTFUL MUSIC) That'd be great. (BELL RINGS) OK, so how do we calculate linear acceleration between points A and B? Flash. It's the product of sine of the angle and gravity, divided by the mass. Nope. Peter. Are you still with us? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh... Mass cancels out, so it's just gravity times sine. Right. See, Flash? Being the fastest isn't always the best if you are wrong. (STUDENTS CHUCKLE) WHISPERS: You're dead. (UPBEAT, EXPECTANT MUSIC) Today we're going to be talking about Danish physicist Neils Bohr. But trust me, there's nothing 'Bohr-ing' about his discoveries regarding quantum theory. Did Liz get a new top? No. We've seen that before, but... never with that skirt. Liz! Hey! That looks so good. We should probably stop staring before it gets creepy, though. Too late. You guys are losers. Then why do you sit with us? Cos I don't have any friends. (BELL RINGS) Let's move to the next question - what is the heaviest naturally occurring element? Hydrogen's the lightest. That's not the question. OK. Uranium. That is correct. Thank you, Abraham. Please open your books to page 10. Peter, it's nationals. Is there no way you could take one weekend off? I can't go to Washington because if Mr Stark needs me, then I have to make sure I'm here. You've never even been in the same room as Tony Stark. Wait, what's happening? Peter's not going to Washington. No, no, no, no, no. Why not? Really? Right before nationals? You already quit marching band and robotics lab. I'm not obsessed with him. I'm just very observant. Flash, you're in for Peter. Oof. I don't know. I gotta check my calendar first. I got a hot date with Black Widow coming up. (BELL TINGS) That is false. What did I tell you about using the bell for comedic purposes? (EXPECTANT MUSIC BUILDS) (BELL RINGS) (MUSIC ENDS) Hey, what's up? Hey, man. What's up, Mr Delmar? Hey, Mr Parker. Number five, right? Yeah, and with pickles. And can you squish it down real flat? Thanks. You got it, boss. How's your aunt? Yeah, she's all right. You know what? $10. It's $5! For that comment, $10. Hey. Come on, I'm joking. I'm joking. Here's $5. What's up, Murph? How you doing, buddy? How's school? Y'know. It's boring. I got better things to do. Stay in school, kid. Stay in school. Otherwise, you're going to end up like me. This is great. Best sandwiches in Queens. (EXPECTANT MUSIC) (MUSIC BUILDS) (MUSIC SOFTENS) (SHOES THUD) (PANTS THUD) (EXPECTANT MUSIC CRESCENDOS) (MUSIC SOFTENS) (THUD! SQUEAKING) (WHIRRING) (MOMENTOUS MUSIC) (ELECTRONIC CHIRPING) (RAMONES' 'BLITZKRIEG BOP) # Let's go. # Hey, ho. # Let's go. (HE SIGHS) Finally. (SHOUTING) Hey, could you hold this for a second? Thanks. (MAN SHOUTS) Hey, is this anybody's bike?! No? Hey, buddy, is this your bike? No change. Does anyone have a pen, do you have a pen? Everybody good? Hey! You're that Spider-guy on YouTube, right?! Call me Spider-Man! OK, Spider-Man! Do a flip! Yeah! Not bad. (HE SHOUTS) # They're pilin' in the back seat. # They're generating steam heat, # pulsating to the back beat. Hey, buddy. (HE GROANS, CAR ALARM BLARES) You shouldn't steal cars. It's bad. It's my car, dumbass! Hey! Shut that off! I was just trying to... Yo! I work at night, come on, dude! That's not your car. That's his car. How was I supposed to know it's his car? What's he doing with the window? Everyday with these damn alarms. Turn it off. Don't make me come down there, you punk. Hey, Gary! How you doing? Marjorie! How are you? How's your mother? # Let's go. # Hey, ho. # Let's go. # Oof! I'm good. I'm good. You have reached the voice mailbox of... Happy Hogan. Hey, Happy. Here's my report for the night. I stopped a grand theft bicycle. I couldn't find the owner so I just left a note. I helped this lost, old Dominican lady. She was really nice and bought me a churro. I just, feel like I could be doing more, you know. I'm just curious when our next real mission's going to be. (HE SIGHS) So, yeah, just call me back. It's Peter. Parker. (HE SIGHS HEAVILY) Why would I tell him about the churro? (HE GRUNTS) OK. Finally, something good. Yo, this hi tech stuff makes it too easy. Told you it was worth it. Go, go, go! Whoa. Nice. We can hit like five more places tonight. (MUZAK PLAYS) (HE CLEARS THROAT) What's up, guys? Forgot your PIN number? Whoa, you're the Avengers! What are you guys doing here? (GRUNTING) Thor. Hulk. Good to finally meet you guys. Thought he'd be more handsome in person. Iron Man! What are you doing robbing banks? You're a billionaire. (LIGHT MUSIC) Hey! (HE SHOUTS DISTORTEDLY) DISTORTED: This feels so weird! Whoa, what is that thing?! DISTORTED: I'm starting to think you're not the Avengers! 911, what's your emergency? Spider-Man is fighting the Avengers in a bank on 21st street. All right, guys. Let's wrap this up, it's a school night. So how did jerks like you get tech like this? (WEAPON POWERS UP LOUDLY) Wait, wait! Mr Delmar. Hey, Mr Delmar, you in here?! Is anybody in here?! Hello?! (COUGHING) (SIRENS APPROACH) (CLATTERING, WHIRRING) Oh, come on. I got him... Here. Here. * OK. Good. Yes. No, no. Put that down. That's worth more than you or me. Yeah? Happy, the craziest thing just happened to me! These guys were robbing an ATM with these hi tech weapons, and then... Hey, take a breath. OK? I don't have time for ATM, robberies, or the thoughtful notes you leave behind. I have moving day to worry about. Everything's gotta be out of here by next week. Wait, wait. You're moving? Who's moving? Dude, don't you watch the news? Tony sold Avengers Tower. We're relocating to a new facility upstate, where hopefully, the cell service is much worse. But what about me? What about you? What if Mr Stark needs me, or something big goes down? Can I please just talk to Mr Stark? Just stay away from anything too dangerous. I'm responsible for making sure you're responsible. OK? I am responsible! Crap... My backpack's gone. That doesn't sound responsible. I'll call you back. Feel free not to. (LIGHT MUSIC) (MUSIC BECOMES SNEAKY) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (DOOR CREAKS SOFTLY) (MUSIC ENDS) (DOOR SHUTS) (CRASH!) What was that? That's nothing! Nothing! You're the Spider-Man. From YouTube. I'm not. I'm not! You were on the ceiling! No, I wasn't. Ned, what are you doing in my room? Aunt May let me in. You said we were going to finish the Death Star! You can't just bust into my room! (MAY CHUCKLES) That turkey meat loaf recipe is a disaster. Let's go to dinner. Thai, Ned? You want Thai? Yes. No. He's got a thing. A thing to do, after. OK. Maybe put on some clothes. WHISPERS: She doesn't know?! WHISPERS: Nobody knows. Mr Stark knows, cos he made my suit. But that's it. Tony Stark made you that?! Are you an Avenger?! Yeah. Basically. You can't tell anybody about this. You gotta keep it a secret. A secret, why? If she finds out people try and kill me every single night, she's not going to let me do this any more! C'mon Ned. Please. OK. OK, OK, OK. I'll level with you. I don't think I can keep this a secret. This is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me, Peter! May cannot know. I cannot do that to her right now. You know? With everything that's happened with her, I... Please. OK. Just swear it. OK? I swear. Thank you. Yeah. I can't believe this is happening right now. Can I try the suit on? How's it work? No. Is it magnets? How do you shoot the strings? I'm going to tell you about this at school tomorrow. OK? Great. Wait, then... How do you do this, and the Stark internship? This is the Stark internship. Ah! Just get out. What's the matter? I thought you loved larb. It's too larby? Not larby enough. How many times do I have to say 'larb' before you talk to me? You know I larb you. I'm just stressed. The internship, and I'm tired. A lotta work. The Stark internship? I have to tell you... Not a fan of that Tony Stark. Distracted all the time... It's got you in your head. (SHE CONTINUES SPEAKING) ..in local news, the beloved Queens institution, Delmar Sandwiches was destroyed in an explosion earlier tonight, after an ATM robbery was thwarted by Queens own colourful, local crime-stopper, the Spider-Man. As the Spider-Man attempted to foil their heist, a powerful blast was set off, slicing through the bodega across the street. Miraculously, no-one was harmed. If you spot something like that happening, you turn and you run the other way. Yeah. Of course. Six blocks away from us! I need a new backpack. What? I need a new backpack. That's five. Sticky rice pudding. Oh, we didn't order that. It's on the house. Oh. Thanks. That's nice of him. I think, he larbs you. You got bit by a spider? Can it bite me? It probably wouldn't hurt, right? Y'know what, whatever. Even if it did hurt, I'll let it bite me. Maybe. How much did it hurt? The spider's dead, Ned. Whoa. (UNSETTLED MUSIC) You were here? Yeah. You could've died. Do you lay eggs? What?! No! Can you spit venom? No. Can you summon an army of spiders? No, Ned. The Sokovia Accords were put into place, and... How far can you shoot your webs? Don't know. Shut up. If I was you, I would stand on the edge of a building and just shoot it as far as I can... Shut up, Ned! Hi. I'm Captain America. Whether you're in the classroom, or on the battlefield... Do you know him, too? Yeah. We've met. I stole his shield. Today, my good friend, your gym teacher, will be conducting the Captain America Fitness Challenge. Thank you, Captain. I'm pretty sure this guy's a war criminal now but whatever. I have to show these videos, it's required by the state. Let's do it. Do Avengers have to pay taxes? What does Hulk smell like? Shh. I bet he smells nice. Ned, shut up. Is Captain America cool? Or is he like a mean, old grandpa? Ned, just shh. OK? Hey... Can I be your guy in the chair? What? You know how there's a guy, with a headset, telling the other guy where to go? Like... Like if you're stuck in an apartment building, I could tell you where to go, cos there'd be screens around me... And I could swivel around them cos I'd be your guy in the chair. Ned, I don't need a guy in the chair. Looking good, Parker. Now see, for me, it would be, F Thor... Marry Iron Man and kill Hulk. Well, what about the Spider-Man? It's just Spider-Man. Did you guys see that security cam on YouTube? He fought off four guys! Oh, my God. She's crushing on Spider-Man. No way. Kind of! Ugh. Gross. He's probably like, 30. You don't even know what he looks like. What if he's, like, seriously burned? I wouldn't care. I would still love him for the person he is inside. Peter knows Spider-Man! No, I don't. No. I mean... They're friends. Yeah, like Coach Wilson and Captain America are friends. I've met him. Yeah. A couple of times. But it's, um... through the Stark internship. Yeah. I'm not really supposed to talk about it! Well that's awesome! Hey, you know what? Maybe you should invite him to Liz's party, right? Yeah, I'm having people over tonight. You're more than welcome to come. You're having a party? Yeah. It's going to be dope. You should totally invite your personal friend Spider-Man. It's OK. I know Peter's way too busy for parties anyway, so... Aw, c'mon. He'll be there. Right, Parker? (BELL RINGS) (LOW, CURIOUS MUSIC) What are you doing?! Helping you out. Did you not hear her? Liz has a crush on you. (PENSIVE MUSIC) Dude, you're an Avenger. If any one of us has a chance with a senior girl, it's you. House party in the suburbs! I remember these. I'm kind of jealous! It'll be a night to remember. Aww... Ned... Some hats wear men. You wear that hat. Yeah. It gives me confidence. This is a mistake. Hey, let's just go home. Oh, Peter. I know. I know it's really hard, trying to fit in. With all the changes your body is going through. It's flowering now. He's so stressed out lately. What helps with stress, is going to a party. And you should have a party. Yeah. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. Peter! Have fun. OK? I will. Bye, May! Dude, you have the suit, right? This is going to change our lives! (FLIP BOIS' 'MAXIMUM EFFORT' PLAYS) (CHATTER) # DJ Flash. We're going to have Spider-Man swing in, say you guys are tight, and then I get a fist bump or one of those half-bro hugs. I can't believe you guys are at this lame party. You're here, too. Am I? Oh, my gosh. Hey, guys! Cool hat, Ned. Hi, Liz! Hi, Liz. I'm so happy you guys came. There's pizza, and drinks. Help yourself. What a great party. Thanks. (CRASH! PEOPLE EXCLAIM) My parents will kill me if anything's broken. I gotta... Yeah. Have fun. Bye. Dude! What are you doing?! She's here. Spider-Man up! No, no, no. I cannot do this. Spider-Man's not a party trick. OK? Look, I'm just going to... be myself. Peter, no-one wants that. Dude. Penis Parker! What's up? (AIRHORN BLARES) So where's your pal Spider-Man? Let me guess. In Canada with your imaginary girlfriend? (AIRHORN BLARES) That's not Spider-Man. That's just Ned in a red shirt. (AIRHORN BLARES) WHISPERS: Hey, what's up? I'm Spider-Man. Just thought I'd swing by and say hello to my buddy Peter. Oh, what's up, Ned? Hey, where's Peter anyway? He must be over... God, this is stupid. What am I doing? (UNSETTLED MUSIC) What the hell? (HEROIC MUSIC) (MUSIC PAUSES) (HE SIGHS) (HE PANTS) This sucks! Whoo! (HE LAUGHS) Now this is crafted from a reclaimed sub-Ultron arm straight from Sokovia. Here. You try. Man, I wanted something low-key, like... Why you tryin' to upsell me, man? OK, OK, OK. I got what you need, all right? I got tonnes of great stuff here. One sec. OK. I got, black hole grenades, Chitauri rail guns... Letting off shots in public. No, I hear you. Look, times are changing, and we're the only ones selling these hi tech weapons. This must be where the ATM robbers got their stuff. I just need something to stakeout somebody. I'm not trying to shoot them back in time. I got anti-grav climbers... You have climbers? (YODELLING RINGTONE PLAYS) OK, what the hell is that? Did you set us up? Hey, hey, man! Hey, hey. C'mon! You're going to shoot at somebody, shoot at me! All right. (DRAMATIC ACTION MUSIC) (MUSIC ENDS) (TENSE MUSIC) (HE LAUGHS) What was that? (HE GRUNTS) We gotta call him. Nah, nah, nah, nah! Did you just do it again?! Shut up! I'm calling him. (PHONE VIBRATES) Toomes' phone. Boss... Ow! My butt! (TENSE MUSIC RESUMES) (MUSIC PAUSES) (MUSIC RESUMES) Great. Guess I'm going to have to take a short cut. Hey, guys. Good game. Have fun. (DOG BARKS) Whoa! Hey! Buddy! Sorry, no time to play. Here. Go fetch! Whoo! Now, this is more like it! (EXCITING MUSIC) (CRASHING) (CLATTERING) Smells really good! Great movie! Oh, hey, guys. (BOTH SCREAM) Hey, it's Peter. Leave a message. Peter, where are you? The hat's not working. This is not cool. Almost got ya! (TENSE MUSIC) Thought you'd get away from me, didn't you? I gotcha! Right where I want you! Surprise! (SCREECHING, PETER YELLS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) What the hell?! (PETER YELLS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS) (MUSIC ENDS) (HE GRUNTS) (INSECTS CHIRP) (HEROIC MUSIC RIFF) Oh. Hey. And then, he's, he just, like swooped down, like a monster! And he picked me up and took me over like 1,000 feet and just dropped me. How did you find me? Did you put a tracker on my suit or something? I put everything in your suit. Including this heater. Whoa! That's better. Thanks. (PETER SHIVERS) What were you thinking? The guy with the wings is obviously the source of the weapons. I gotta take him down. Take him down now, huh?! Steady, Crockett. There are people who handle this sort of thing. The Avengers? No, no, no. This is a little below their paygrade. Anyway, Mr Stark. You didn't have to come all the way out here. I had that. I was fine. Oh, I'm not...here. Thank God, this place has Wi-Fi, or you would be toast right now. Thank Ganesh while you're at it. Look, forget the flying vulture guy. Please! Why? Why? Because I said so! Sorry. I'm talking to a teenager. Stay close to the ground. Build up your game, helping the little people. Like that lady that bought you the churro. Can't you just be a friendly,... neighbourhood Spider-Man? But I'm ready for more than that now. No, you're not. That is not what you thought when I took on Captain America. Trust me, kid. If Cap wanted to lay you out, he would have. Listen to me. If you come across these weapons again, call Happy. (ENGINE REVS) Are you driving? You know, it's never too early to start thinking about college. I got some pull at MIT. End call. No, I don't need to go to college, Mr Stark... Mr Stark is no longer connected. That's awesome. Stay close to the ground. What is he talking about? (CURIOUS MUSIC) Whoa. (YODELLING RINGTONE PLAYS) Hey, man, what's up? I'm on my way back. Actually, I was calling to say maybe you shouldn't come. Listen to this. ..when I say 'Penis', you say 'Parker'! Penis. Parker! Penis. Parker! Sorry, Peter. I guess we're still losers. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll see you tomorrow in school. (SINISTER MUSIC) (MACHINERY WHIRRS) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) (THUDDING, RUMBLING) (UNSETTLED MUSIC) Idiots. Idiots. Idiots! Boss? Your wife keeps texting you. Something about a brake light? What'd I tell you about looking at my phone? Oh, sorry. You left it out. You know I'm a curious person by nature. I've finished designing that high altitude vacuum seal... In case you want to, you know, go for the big one? You're still on that? I told you, no. The answer's no. Forget it! (CLATTERING, METAL SQUEALS) (HE LAUGHS, WHOOPS) That was badass. How many times have I told you... not to fire them out in the open? You said move the merchandise! Under the radar. Under the radar! That's how we survive. If you bring Damage Control, or the Avengers down here, we're through. And you're out there, wearing that goofy thing, lighting up cars... Calling yourself the Shocker. I'm the Shocker. I shock people. What is this, pro wrestling? Yeah, whatever, old man. C'mon. Look, look. I know, you don't give a crap about anything. But I do. I built this whole place because I got people I have to look after. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? I can't afford your bullshit. Get outta here. What?! You're done, you're off the crew. Yeah. All right. I wonder if you can afford me out there... With everything I know. Excuse me? I'm just saying... Maybe your wife would like to know where you really get your money from. (MAN WHISTLES) You know what? What? You're right. That work? WHISPERS: I don't know. I can't afford that. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (MUSIC ENDS) Damn! I thought this was the anti-gravity gun. What?! No. That's that one. (FOREBODING MUSIC) Here. Now you're the Shocker. Go out there and find that weapon he lost. All right. * Hey, thanks for bailing on me. Yeah, well, something came up. What is that? I don't know. Some guy tried to vaporise me with it. Seriously? Yeah. Awesome! I mean, not awesome. Totally uncool, that guy. So scary. Well, look. I think it's a power source. Yeah, but it's connected to all these microprocessors. It's an inductive charging plate. That's what I use to charge my toothbrush. Whoever's making these weapons is obviously combining the alien tech with ours. That is literally the coolest sentence anyone has ever said. I just want to thank you for letting me be a part of your journey, into this amazing... Keep your fingers clear of the blades. I gotta figure out what this thing is and who makes it. We'll go to the lab after class and run some tests. (LIGHT MUSIC) (BRASS-BAND MUSIC PLAYS) First, I say we put the glowy thing in the mass spectrometer. First, we gotta come up with a better name than 'glowy thingy'. You're right. Crap! Come on, come on, come on. (UNSETTLED MUSIC) High schools creep me out. It's got this funny smell, you know what I mean? WHISPERS: That's one of the guys that tried to kill me. WHISPERS: What?! We gotta get out of here. No, no, no. We got to follow them. Maybe they can lead me to the guy that dropped me in a lake. Someone dropped you in a lake? Yeah. It was not good. Peter. No. Stay there, Ned. Peter! What are you doing? Nothing. Yeah. You good? Chess. Can you imagine what the boss would say if he knew where we were? It's saying there was an energy pulse right here. There's no sign of the weapon. I mean, even if it was here, now it's gone. So are we... (UNSETTLED MUSIC) (MUSIC BUILDS) (MUSIC DEEPENS) (INTRIGUING MUSIC) This is so awesome. I know, right. In Brooklyn. Staten Island. Leaving Jersey. (BEEPING) They stopped. Maryland? What's there? I don't know, evil lair? Evil lair? Dude, a gang with alien guns run by a guy with wings, yeah, they have a lair. Badass. But, how are you going to get there if that's like, 300 miles away? It's not too far from DC. Hey, it's Peter! Guys! Peter? Yeah, I was hoping maybe I could rejoin the team. No. No way. You can't just quit on us, stroll up, and be welcomed back by everyone. Hey, welcome back, Peter! Flash, you're back to first alternate. What? He's taking your place! Excuse me, can we go already? Cos I was hoping to get in some light protesting in front of one of the embassies before dinner, so... Protesting is patriotic. Let's get on the bus. LIZ: Focus up, everyone. Our next topic is the moons of Saturn. The second law of Thermodynamics. Frank Sinatra. Fort Sumpter. Flash is wrong. OK guys, let's focus. Next one. Liz, don't overwork 'em. Strontium, Barium, Vibranium. Very good, Peter. Glad to have you back. Glad to be back. (PHONE VIBRATES) What is the current standard unit... Can I take this real quick? I'll only be a second. Yeah, fine. Hello? I got a blip on my screen here. You left New York? Tracker. Uh, yeah... No, it's just a school trip, it's nothing. Look, Happy... I gotta say, you tracking me without my permission is a complete violation of my privacy. That's different. What's different? Nothing. Look, it's just the academic decathlon. It's no big deal. Hey. I'll decide if it's no big deal. Sounds like it's no big deal. But remember, I'm watching you. (EXPECTANT MUSIC) Everyone stick together. Yeah. Are you kidding me? This place is huge! I've seen bigger. There's a bird in here. Hey, you brought your laptop, right? Why? Peter, why are we removing the tracker from your suit? Because I gotta follow these guys to their boss before they move again... And I don't really want Mr Stark to know about it. So you're lying to Iron Man now? No, I'm not lying. He just doesn't really get what I can do yet. Gotcha. All right, Happy. Enjoy tracking this lamp. There's a tonne of other subsystems in here. But they're all disabled by the... Training Wheels Protocol. What? The Training Wheels Protocol? Turn it off. I don't think that's a good idea, I mean... They're probably blocked for a reason. Come on, man. I don't need training wheels. I'm sick of him treating me like a kid all the time. It's not cool. But you are a kid. Yeah. A kid who can stop a bus with his bare hands. Peter, I just don't think this is a great idea. I mean, what if this is illegal? Look, please. This is my chance to prove myself. I can handle it. Ned, come on. I really don't think this is a good idea. But, guy in the chair. Don't do that! Come on. (INTRIGUING MUSIC) Hey. The glowy thing is evidence. Keep it safe, all right? OK. They're moving. Be careful. (SHARP NOTE) Hey, Liz. Perfect timing. We're going to go swimming. Come on! Come on. Hey, Peter. Eh! I was going to go study, in the, business centre. Peter, you don't need to study. You're like the smartest guy I've ever met. And besides... A rebellious group activity the day before competition is good for morale. Hm? Um, I read that in a TED talk, so... I heard it in a TED talk. And I read a coaching book. Are you really, this is really important to you? Yeah. It's our future. I'm not going to screw it up. And besides, we raided the minibar and these candy bars were like $11. So get your trunks on and come on. Come on. Come on. I'm coming! (SOFT, PENSIVE MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Good evening, Peter. Hello? Hello? Congratulations on completing your rigorous Training Wheels Protocol and gaining access to your suit's full capabilities. Ah, thank you. So where would you like to take me tonight? I put a tracker on someone. He's a bad guy. Tracker located. Plotting course to intercept target. OK well, as long as I make it back in time for decathlon, it's fine. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) 100 metres from destination and closing. Jump now. (LOW, TENSE MUSIC) Detecting three individuals. WHISPERS: Why is their secret lair in a gas station? That's so lame. Hey, suit lady, what are they doing? Do you want to hear what they're saying? I can hear what they're saying? Uh, yeah. Activating Enhanced Reconnaissance mode. I got the gauntlet from the Lagos clean-up. The rest is all mine. Whoa. That's so cool. Can't believe they're still cleaning up that Triskelion mess. I love it. They keep making messes, we keep getting rich. Target inbound. Whoa, they're in the middle of a heist. I can catch them all red-handed. This is awesome! OK, I'm going to get a little closer so I can see what's happening. Would you like me to engage Enhanced Combat mode? Enhanced Combat mode? Yeah. Activating Instant Kill. No, no, no, no. I don't want to kill anybody. Deactivating Instant Kill. (HE GRUNTS) Did you hear that? What the hell just happened? What was that? You jumped off the sign and landed on your face. Suit lady, what's wrong with my web shooters?! Rapid-fire is the default for Enhanced Combat mode. Why would I need Rapid-fire? Would you like to see more options? You have 576 possible web shooter combinations. Mr Stark really overdid it. You two wait right here. Wait, you're going to want to turn on the dampers or that thing will shatter your arm. Where's the dampers? That one! Great choice! Would you like me to set this as your new default? No, no, no! Push that in... Right here? No, no. Yeah, push it. What was that?! Taser webs. Taser webs? I don't want Taser webs. You seem to be very unfamiliar with your web shooter settings. Would you like to run a refresher course? No, just, you choose. Sure thing. 6-Alpha-Niner, are you running on time? Copy, Central. 6-Alpha-Niner, on schedule. (UNSETTLED MUSIC) I have a visual. Green light. Green light. That's him. OK. I got eyes on the convoy. Pulling in behind the caboose. Deploy anchors. Dropping down. No outgoing distress signals. You're all clear. Looks like they got some good stuff here. (UNSETTLED MUSIC CONTINUES) Whoa. Cool. It's like some kind of matter phase shifter. All right. Coming up. (UNSETTLED MUSIC BUILDS) Hey, big bird! This doesn't belong to you! Oh, God. Suit lady, what was that?! You told me to choose. What, no. Just set everything back to normal! Activating all systems. * Oh, my head. You appear to have a mild concussion. Hey, so where am I right now? I'm not sure. The container walls are hindering my sensors. Wait a minute. They must've hijacked the truck and taken me to their evil lair. OK, suit lady, we're going to have to fight our way out of this one. Three, two, one! What is this place? Suit lady, where am I? You're in the most secure facility on the eastern seaboard. The Damage Control deep storage vault. No! Seriously?! (HE GROANS) The door will most likely remain closed until morning. Morning? Hey, suit lady. I kind of feel bad calling you 'suit lady', you know? I think I should probably give you a name. Like Liz. No, no, no. God, that's weird. What about Karen? You can call me Karen if you would like. Hey, Karen. What else can this suit do? (HE GASPS) What? Maybe we should run that refresher course. Ricochet web. Ricochet web. Cool. Splitter web. Web grenade. Web grenade! Should I tell Liz that I'm Spider-Man? Who's Liz? Who's Liz? (HE CHUCKLES) She's the best. She's awesome. She's just a girl who goes to my school. And, yeah. I really want to tell her, but it's kind of weird, you know? 'Hey. I'm... I'm Spider-Man.' What's weird about that? What if she's expecting someone like Tony Stark? Imagine how disappointed she'd be when she sees me. Well, if I were her, I wouldn't be disappointed at all. Thanks, Karen. It's really nice to have somebody to talk to. Hey, how long have we been here, anyways? 37 minutes. What?! 37 minutes? That's insane! I cannot take this any more. I gotta get out of here. There's gotta be something in here I can use. OK, let's see. Nope. That's awesome. Oh. Hey, it's like the glowy thing. That glowy thing is an explosive Chitauri energy core. Whoa, you mean we've been carrying around a bomb?! It would require radiation to transform it into an explosive state. No, no, no, no! Hey, please! Please! Somebody let me out! Hey! Karen, you have to help me override that time lock! OK, Karen, lower the voltage and run it. Trial unsuccessful. OK, we're just going to have to try every sequence. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Ned, Peter, we're going to be late. Come on. Let's go. OK. Hold on, hold on. (TENSE MUSIC) Initiating trial 247. It worked! It worked! (TENSE MUSIC BUILDS) Please be sure all cellphones are turned off. Karen, you have to get me to the decathlon as fast as possible! Sure thing. Just tell me where it is. It's right across the street from the Washington Monument. Hey, it's Ned. Leave a message. Ned, call me back! The glowy thing's a bomb! There's a vehicle approaching on your right. We have now entered sudden death. The next correct answer wins the championship. Midtown Tech? Zero. That is correct. Midtown takes the championship! Whoo-hoo! We won! Guys, I'm so proud of you! Told you we didn't need Peter. Flash, you didn't answer a single question. Taking it all in, Michelle? Oh, yeah, I just um, I don't really want to celebrate something that was built by slaves. Oh, I'm sure the Washington Monument wasn't built by... OK. Enjoy your book. Thanks. (YODELLING RINGTONE PLAYS) Oh, Ned. You're alive! Peter, are you OK? Ned, Ned, where's the glowy thing? Don't worry. It's safe. It's in my backpack. No, Ned! Listen! No, Ned! The glowy thing is dangerous! You missed the decathlon. I covered for you... Ned, listen to me! We're at the Washington Monument... Peter, is that you? Oh, hey, Liz! KAREN: Is that Liz? Please put Ned back on the phone. You should tell her how you feel. You freak, you are so lucky we won! You know, I want to be mad, but I'm more worried. Like, what is going on with you? Liz, I have to talk to Ned, it's really important! Miss, all items on the belt, please. Liz, there's something in his backpack that is really dangerous. Don't let it go through an X-ray! Liz? Liz? Dammit! (TENSE MUSIC) Hey, Mr Harrington, can I be the one to tell Peter he's expelled? The Washington Monument is 555 feet, 5 and one eighth inches tall. Notice how the marble and granite are cut around the stone. No, no, no, no! Karen, what's going on up there? The Chitauri core has detonated and caused severe structural damage to the elevator. My friends are up there. What?! Uh, don't worry, ma'am. Everything's going to be OK. Excuse me, excuse me! Oh, my God, that's tall! (TENSE MUSIC) Oh, my God. Look at the ceiling. Just stay calm everyone. We're all going to die here. Estimating 10 minutes before catastrophic failure. We're freaking screwed. OK, guys, I know that was scary, but our safety systems are working. The safety systems are completely failing. We're very safe in here. The occupants are in imminent mortal danger. I'm going as fast as I can! You now have 125 seconds until catastrophic failure. What? Why? Unexpected motion has caused the deterioration to escalate. How do I get in there? Activating Reconnaissance Drone. Whoa. Has that been there this whole time? That's awesome! Locating optimal entry point. Proceed to southwest window. Karen, I'm on my way. (DRAMATIC, TENSE MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC ENDS) (WIND WHISTLES, HE PANTS) OK. Oh, my God. OK. What's wrong? You've reached the southwest window. Why are you hesitating? It's just I've never been this high before. You have also not reinstalled your parachute, so a fall from this height would most likely be lethal. Perfect. Why is it not breaking? It's 4 inch ballistic glass. You'll have to create more momentum. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (MUSIC BECOMES DETERMINED) (ALARM BLARES) This is DC metro police. Identify yourself. My friends are in there! Stop! Return to the ground! Immediately! OK, who's next? Me! It's my turn! Flash, seriously? What are you doing? Don't worry about the trophy! (CREAKING, SHOUTING) (DARK MUSIC) Stand down! Return to the ground immediately! Return to the ground, or we will open fire! Go up, go up! I got this. Take my trophy. (SHOUTING) This is your last chance. I'm going to die. (HEROIC MUSIC) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (SCREAMING) (LIGHT MUSIC) I did it! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (SHOUTING) (HE CLEARS THROAT) Hey, how you doing? Don't worry about it, I got you. Yes! Yes! Hey, hey, hey! Big guy, quit moving around! I'm sorry, sir! So sorry. (HEROIC MUSIC) You can go. OK. All right. This is your stop. Go, go, go. Everybody out. Move it, people. Move it. Liz! (SHE SCREAMS) You're OK. You're OK. OK. Good. Come on up, come on. Guys, stand back. I got you. So, is everyone OK? This is your chance, Peter. Kiss her. (CLANG! HE SHOUTS) Thank you. Are you really friends with Peter Parker?! I can finish the next order, but without any new materials from that truck... Dammit... We've still enough to do the Gargan deal though, right? Yeah. But then that's it. Maybe it is time that I build the high altitude seal. Would you shut up about that? Look, one job... No. Eight years. Not a word from the feds. Nothing from those Halloween costume-wearing bozos up there in Stark Tower. And then all of a sudden, this little bastard in red tights shows up... and he thinks he can tear down everything I built. Really? I'm going to kill him. I'm going to find him... Found him. The Spider-Man swooped in, heroically saving an academic decathlon team from Queens. The identity of the masked hero is still unknown. Mom! Peter. Come here! (GROOVY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) This past weekend, Midtown's academic decathlon team defeated the country's best to win the national championship. Later that day, they also defeated death. Explosives! Sally screamed! Flash screamed, everybody screaming! There were purple lasers and smoke everywhere. It was (BLEEP)in' tight. Just like a Bon Jovi concert. As you know, we made it out alive. And that's the important thing. I couldn't bear to lose a student on a school trip. Not again. Thankfully, no-one was seriously injured, thanks to the Spider-Man. BOTH: Thank you, Spider-Man. Up next, the Spider-Man mania is sweeping the school. How can you show your Spider spirit? Dude, dude, dude... What is it like being famous when nobody knows it's you? Crazy, Ned. It is crazy! Should we tell everyone? No. Should I tell everyone? No, dude. That's not a good idea. OK. Well, we're going to be late to class. I'm not going to class. But you're already in so much trouble for ditching the decathlon... Dude, listen, I figured it out, right... The wing suit guy is stealing from Damage Control. And what he takes from Damage Control, that's how he builds the weapons. All I gotta do is catch him! But we have a Spanish quiz. Ned, I'm probably never going to come back here. Mr Stark is moving the Avengers upstate, so... when I bring this guy in... Dude! You want to be a high school dropout? I am so far beyond high school right now. Parker! My office. So, you got detention. You screwed up. You know what you did was wrong. The question is, how are you going to make things right? Maybe you were trying to be cool. But take it from a guy who's been frozen for 65 years. The only way to really be cool is to follow the rules. We all know what's right. We all know what's wrong. Next time those turkeys try to convince you that something you know... Hey, where are you going? Get back here! ...what would Captain America do? Why are you here? You don't even have detention. Oh, I know. I just like coming here to sketch people in crisis. It's you. So your body's changing. Believe me, I know how that feels. (INTRIGUING MUSIC) May? Hey, Karen, what's up? Hey, Peter. How was your Spanish quiz? Listen, I was wondering if you could help me. I'm trying to figure out who the guys under the bridge were that night, but, I mean I can only kind of remember part of a licence plate. I can run facial recognition on the footage of that encounter. Footage? Yes, Peter. I record everything you see. Everything? Everything. Like, all the time? It's called the Baby Monitor Protocol. Yeah, of course, it is. Yeah, just roll it back to last Friday. With pleasure. Hey, everyone! Yeah, kick-ass party. Hey, what's up, Liz? Peter told me a lot about you. No, no, no, this is just me messing around. Go later in the day. It is I, Thor, son of Odin! No, no, no. That's definitely not what we want to watch. Your impressions are very funny. Fast forward to the arms deal. OK. The two on the right, who are they? Searching law enforcement databases... No records found for two of the individuals. Nothing? One individual identified. Aaron Davis, age 33. He has a criminal record and an address here in Queens. Let's pay him a visit. Would you like me to activate the Enhanced Interrogation Protocol? Yeah. (RAP MUSIC) DARK, DISTORTED: Remember me? I need information and you're going to give it to me now! All right, chill... Come on! What happened to your voice? What do you mean, what happened to my voice? I heard you by the bridge. I know what a girl sound like. I'm not a girl! I'm a boy! I mean, I'm a man. I don't care what you are. Boy, girl... I'm not a girl! I'm a man. Come on, man. Look, who is selling these weapons? I need to know. Give me names, or else. You ain't ever done this before, huh? Deactivate interrogation mode. Look man, these guys are selling weapons that are crazy dangerous. They can't just be out on the streets. Look, if one of them can just cut Delmar's bodega in half... You know Delmar's? Yeah. The best sandwich in Queens. Sub Haven's pretty good. Nah, it's too much bread. I like bread. Come on, man. Please. Stupid interrogation mode. Karen, don't ever do that again. The other night, you told that dude 'if you're going to shoot somebody, shoot me.' That's pretty ballsy. I don't want those weapons in this neighbourhood. I got a nephew who live here. Who are these guys? What can you tell me about the guy with the wings? Other than he's a psychopath dressed like a demon? Nothing. I don't know who he is, or where he is. (PETER SIGHS) I do know where he's going to be. Really? Yeah, this crazy dude I used to work with. He's... He's supposed to be doing a deal with him. Yes! Yeah! Hey. I didn't tell you where. You don't have a location. Right. Of course. Yeah. My bad. Silly. Just... Yeah. Where is it? Can I give you some advice? You gotta get better at this part of the job. I don't understand. I'm intimidating. The Staten Island Ferry. 11:00. Oh, that's soon. Hey that's going to dissolve in two hours. No, no, no, no. Come fix this. Two hours. You deserve that. I got ice cream here, man. You deserve that, you're a criminal. Bye, Mr Criminal! (DETERMINED MUSIC) Nice. OK, Karen. Activate Enhanced Reconnaissance mode. Sure thing. He's out front. Main deck. I hate this guy. That's the guy from the bridge, right? Who's that other guy? Just keep me posted. There's no record of him in my criminal database. Incoming call from May Parker. Shall I re-route to your heads-up display? I can't talk right now. I'll call her back. Hey, Droney. Keep an eye on that guy. We can't let anybody get away this time. (TENSE MUSIC) Who's the guy on the left? Mac Gargan. Extensive criminal record including homicide. Would you like me to activate Instant Kill? No, Karen! Stop it with the Instant Kill already! White pick-up truck. Droney, scan the ship for a white pick-up truck. (INTRIGUING MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) This is too perfect. They got the weapons, the buyers, and the sellers all in one place. Incoming call from Tony Stark. No, no, no. Don't answer! Mr Parker. Got a sec? Uh, I'm actually at school. No, you're not. Nice work in DC... My Dad never really gave me a lot of support. Now I'm just trying to break the cycle of shame... I'm kind of in the middle of something right now... Don't cut me off when I'm complimenting you. Anyway, great things are about to happen... (FOGHORN) What is that? I'm at band practice? That's odd. Happy told me you quit band six weeks ago. What's up? I got to go. End call! Hey! I'll take those! Yoink! Hey, guys. The illegal weapons deal ferry was at 10:30! You missed it. (TENSE MUSIC) Spider-guy's here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast. Are you guys OK? My bad. That was a little hard. I gotta say, the other guy was way better with that thing. And honestly, I'm... I'm shocked. (MAN SHOUTS) (MAN SHRIEKS) (DARK MUSIC) Freeze! FBI! Get on the ground! (SHOUTING) Wait, what do you mean, FBI? The FBI is the Federal Bureau of Investigation... I know what the FBI means, but what are they doing here? (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Get outta the way! Get outta the way! Look out, look out! Move, move, move! VULTURE: Get to the top deck. We're getting out of here. (TENSE MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Activate Taser web! You're messing with things you don't understand. (SHOUTING) (SHOUTING CONTINUES) (PEOPLE EXCLAIM) (SCREAMING) (TENSE MUSIC) Oh, my God! What do I do? Karen, get me an X-ray of the boat and target all the strongest points. Web grenade. Web grenade! Splitter web. (TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC CRESCENDOS, ENDS) (CREAKING) (HE PANTS) Great job, Peter. You're 98% successful. 98? Yeah, Spider-Man! (CHEERING) (SCREAMING) No, no! No! (CAR ALARM BLARES) (SHOUTING) No! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (HE GROANS, SHOUTS) What the hell? What the hell? Hi, Spider-Man! Band practice, was it? (HEROIC MUSIC) (MUSIC DEEPENS) Yeah, Iron Man! (CHEERING) Uh, Mr Stark? Hey, Mr Stark, can I do anything? What do you want me to do? I think you've done enough. (MUSIC ENDS) * So that's it? You're just going to run? Feds were waiting for us. And now, we're on Iron Man's radar? Yeah, I'm running. You should, too. You know I can't do that. So now, what? Mason. Can you get that high altitude seal up and running in time? Seriously? Yes. You will not regret this. You in? (PENSIVE NOTE) Previously on Peter Screws the Pooch, I tell you to stay away from this, instead, you hacked a multi-million dollar suit so you could sneak around behind my back, doing the one thing I told you not to do. Is everyone OK? No thanks to you. No thanks to me? Those weapons were out there and I tried to tell you about it, but you didn't listen. None of this would've happened if you had just listened to me! If you even cared, you'd actually be here. I did listen, kid. Who do you think called the FBI, huh? Do you know that I was the only one who believed in you? Everyone else said I was crazy to recruit a 14-year old kid. I'm 15. No, this is where you zip it! All right? The adult is talking. What if somebody had died tonight? Different story, right? Cos that's on you. And if you died... I feel like that's on me. I don't need that on my conscience. Yes, sir... I'm sorry, I... Yes. Sorry doesn't cut it. I understand. I just wanted to be like you. And I wanted you to be better. OK. It's not working out. I'm going to need the suit back. For how long? Forever. No. No, no, no. Please... Yeah, that's how it works. Let's have it. You don't understand... This is all I have. I'm nothing without this suit. If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it. OK? God, I sound like my dad. I don't have any other clothes. OK. We'll sort that out. (PENSIVE MUSIC) (MUSIC ENDS) I've been calling you all day but you didn't answer your phone! You can't do that. Then this ferry thing happens... I've called five police stations. Five. I called five of your friends. I called Ned's mother. I'm fine. May, I'm OK. Honestly, just relax. I'm fine. Cut the bullshit. I know you left detention. I know you left the hotel room in Washington. I know you sneak out of this house every night. That's not fine. Peter, you have to tell me what's going on. Just lay it out. It's just me and you. I lost the Stark internship. What? Yeah. What happened? I just thought that I could work really hard, and he could, he would, you know... But... I screwed it up. That's OK. It's OK. It's OK. I'm sorry I made you worry. You know I'm not trying to ruin your life. Yeah, I know. I used to sneak out, too. Yeah? And take a shower. You smell... Smell like garbage. I know. Peter, you're a good kid, and you're a smart kid so just try to keep your head straight, OK? OK. All right. Get out of here. Are you expelled? Do you have to go to that high school on 46th where their principal has a crossbow? Pretty sure that's an urban myth, but no, I'm not expelled. You're so lucky. (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Me gusta hacer la terea. Muy bueno, Senor Parker. (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC CONTINUES) (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Hey. Hey. I thought you had Calculus fifth period. Yeah, I'm just doing some Homecoming stuff. Hey, look. I, uhh... I just wanted to apologise about the whole decathlon thing. It's fine. Last week, decathlon was the most important thing, but... then I almost died. No. I ju... I just mean that... It was not cool, especially be... Because... I like you. I know. You do? You're terrible at keeping secrets. Yeah, you'd be surprised. I, I gotta get to class, but, um... I'd say we should hang out, but I'm going to be in detention for... ever... But, um... I guess you already have a date to Homecoming. Actually, I'm so busy planning it, I never really got around to that part, so... You want to... go with me? Yeah. Sure. Really? I mean, uh... Great. Cool. Cool. I'm actually going that way. (SOFT, WARM MUSIC) (THE ENGLISH BEAT'S 'SAVE IT FOR LATER') May, I need your help! # Two dozen other dirty lovers # Must be a sucker for it # I don't know how I'm meant to act with all of you lot # Sometimes you don't try # Just now now now now now now now now now now now # Now now now now now now now now now now now... Right? # Your legs give way, you hit the ground # Save it for later # Don't run away and let me down # And let me down... It's game day. So, what's the plan? Open the door for her, tell her she looks nice, but not too much because that's creepy. Don't be creepy. No. And, uh... When I dance with her, I'll put my hands on her hips. Love you. Bye. ('SAVE IT FOR LATER' CONTINUES) (DOORBELL CHIMES) (MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY) You must be Peter. Yeah. I'm Liz's Dad. Put her there. Hell of a grip! Come on in here. Come on. Hi, Peter. You look very handsome. Thank you. You got his name, right? Freddy? Peter. Peter. Peter. I'm going to go get Liz. OK. You all right, Pete? SOFTLY: Yeah. Because you look... pale. You want something to drink, like a bourbon or a scotch or something like that? I'm not old enough to drink. That's the right answer. Wow! Wow, wow, wow, do you look beautiful. Please don't embarrass me, Dad. Doesn't she, Pete? Yeah, you look really good. Once again, that's the right answer. Is that a corsage? Thanks. Well, hey, I'm your chauffeur, so let's get this show on the road. No, no, no. We have to take some pictures, babe. Right here. Perfect. OK... Come on, you guys. Peter, closer. Smile! There you go. Sir, you don't have to drive us.. Nah, nah. It's not a big deal. I'm going out of town. It's right on my way. He's always coming and going. Last time, babe. Thank you. I promise. SOFTLY: He's cute. Shh. See you in a couple of days. OK. Come on, Pedro. Bye, Peter. Have fun. Yeah, I will. (LOW, UNSETTLED NOTE) What are you going to do, Pete? What? When you graduate. What do you think you're going to do? Oh. Um, I don't know Don't grill him, Dad. Just sayin'. You know. While you guys are going to that school, you pretty much have your life planned out, right? Yeah... No, I'm just a sophomore. Peter has an internship with Tony Stark, so I think he doesn't have to worry. Really? Stark? So cool. What do you do? Yeah, actually, I don't intern for him any more. Seriously? Yeah. It got, um... boring. It was boring? You got to hang out with Spider-Man. Really? Spider-Man? Wow. What's he like? Yeah, he's nice. Nice man. Solid dude. Hmm. Look! So cute. Aww. I've seen you around, right? I mean... Somewhere. We've, uh... Have we ever? Because even the voice... He does academic decathlon with me. Oh. And he was at my party. It was a great party! Really great, yeah. Beautiful house. Lot of windows. You were there for, like, two seconds. That was... I was there longer than two seconds. You disappeared. No. No, I did not disappear. Yes, you did, you disappeared like you always do. Like you did in DC, too. (DARK MUSIC) That was terrible, what happened down there in DC, though. Were you scared? I bet you were glad when your old pal Spider-Man showed up in the elevator though, huh? Yeah, well, I... I actually didn't go up. I saw it all from the ground. Pretty lucky that he was there that day. Good ol' Spider-Man. (SINISTER MUSIC) (HORNS BLARE) Dad. The light. (SINISTER MUSIC BUILDS) (MUSIC ENDS) Here we are. End of the line. Thanks, Dad. You head in there, Gumdrop. I'm going to give Peter the... Dad talk. Don't let him intimidate you. Love you. Love you, Gumdrop. Have a safe flight. You guys look so pretty! (UNSETTLED MUSIC) Does she know? Know what? So she doesn't. Good. Close to the vest. I admire that. I got a few secrets of my own. Of all the reasons I didn't want my daughter to date... Peter, nothing is more important than family. You saved my daughter's life and I could never forget something like that. So I'm going to give you one chance. Are you ready? You walk through those doors, you forget any of this happened. And don't you ever, ever... interfere with my business again. Because if you do... I'll kill you... and everybody you love. I'll kill you dead. That's what I'll do to protect my family, Pete. You understand? Hey. I just saved your life. Now, what do you say? Thank you. You're welcome. Now, you go in there, and you show my daughter a good time. OK? Just not too good. (DISTORTED MUSIC) (MUSIC BECOMES UNSETTLING) (A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS' 'SPACE AGE LOVE SONG' PLAYS) (MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) Hey. What did he say to you? I gotta go. I'm sorry. You don't deserve this. (TENSE MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (PETER SHOUTS) He gave you a choice. You chose wrong. What the hell? What's with the crappy costume? My web shooters. (TENSE MUSIC) I wasn't sure about this thing at first, but... Damn! (PETER SHOUTS) Gross! (PETER SHOUTS) Why did he send you here? Guess you'll never know. Nice shot! (HEROIC MUSIC) Yes! Ned, the guy with the wings is Liz's Dad. What? I know. I've got to tell Mr Stark. Call Happy Hogan. He's Mr Stark's head of security. And get a computer and track my phone for me. Are you going to be OK? Hurry, we gotta catch him before he leaves town! I'm sorry about dinner, but... I know when Branzino's fresh, and that was not fresh, OK? So... (HE SCREAMS) GRUFFLY: Flash, I need your car and your phone. Sir, technically this is my dad's car, sir. So I can't... (HE SQUEAKS) Hello, Ned? Hey, hey, hey. Can you hear me? Go for Ned. Ned. I need you to track my phone for me. Yeah, but where is it? (TENSE ACTION MUSIC) Genius move. OK, he just passed a Gamestop on Jackson Avenue. Hey, where are the headlights on this thing?! I'm in Flash's car. I'll pull the specs. OK, you're on speaker phone. You stole Flash's car? Awesome. Yeah, it's awesome! (HE SHOUTS) Get outta the way, outta the way! Move! Peter, are you OK? I've never really driven before. Only with May in parking lots. This is a huge step up! (HE SHOUTS) Hey, have you gotten through to Happy yet?! Yeah, I'm working on it. I've just gotta battle through the phone system. Guy in the chair! (UNSETTLED MUSIC) Take-off in nine minutes! Hello? Hello? Who is this? Mr Happy, it's Ned. Who? I'm an associate of Peter Parker. He has something very important to tell you... You gotta be shitting me. Damn! Hey, Ned. How are we coming on with those headlights? Round knob, to the left of the steering wheel, turn clockwise. Left? OK. OK, perfect. So where's my phone now? He stopped in an old industrial park in Brooklyn. What? That makes no sense. I thought he said he was going out of town. Weird. Oh, I reached Mr Happy. Don't think he likes you, by the way. It sounded like he was catching a flight. He said something about taking off in nine minutes. What? He was surrounded by a bunch of boxes. Boxes? It's moving day! It's moving day! He's going to rob that plane! I gotta stop him! All right. Wheels up in eight minutes. We just gotta load Tony's old Hulkbuster armour, prototype for Cap's new shield, and the Megging... the Meg... Thor's magic belt. OK, slow down. You're getting close. It's on your right. What? Turn right. Turn right! (HE SHOUTS) Peter! Are you OK? Yeah. Just keep trying to get through to Happy. It's been an honour, Spider-Man. What are you doing here? There's a dance. I'm... looking... at porn. * (LOW, FOREBODING MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Hey! Surprised? Oh, hey, Pete. I didn't hear you come in. It's over. I've got you. You know, I gotta tell you, Pete... I really, really admire your grit. I see why Liz likes you. I do. When you first came to the house, I wasn't sure. I thought, 'really?' But I get it now. How could you do this to her? To her? I'm not doing anything to her, Pete. I'm doing this for her. Hmm. Yeah. (HE SIGHS HEAVILY) Peter. You're young. You don't understand how the world works. Yeah, but I understand that selling weapons to criminals is wrong. How do you think your buddy Stark paid for that tower? Or any of his little toys? Those people, Pete, those people up there, the rich and powerful... they do whatever they want. Guys like us... like you and me... they don't care about us. We build their roads, and we fight all their wars and everything, but they don't care about us. We have to pick up after them. We have to eat their table scraps. That's how it is. I know you know what I'm talking about, Peter. Why are you telling me this? Because I want you to understand. And... I needed a little time to get her airborne. (TENSE MUSIC) I'm sorry, Peter. What are you talking about? That thing hasn't even touched me yet. True. But then again... it wasn't really trying to. Please, chief, they're powering up engines. Come on. OK. Yeah. Yeah. (FOREBODING MUSIC) (DARK, DRAMATIC MUSIC) (MUSIC BUILDS) (MUSIC FADES) (RUMBLING, HE PANTS, GRUNTS) (HE BREATHES HEAVILY) OK, ready? (HE STRAINS) Hello?! Hello?! Please! Hey, please! I'm down here! I'm down here! I'm stuck! I'm stuck! I can't move... I can't... (HE PANTS) (LOW, INTRIGUING MUSIC) STARK: If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it. Come on, Peter. Come on, Spider-Man. Come on, Spider-Man. Come on, Spider-Man! Come on, Spider-Man! (HOPEFUL MUSIC) (HE SHOUTS) (HEROIC MUSIC) (HE YELLS) (HE CONTINUES YELLING) (HEROIC MUSIC CRESCENDOS) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (HE PANTS) (MUSIC BECOMES UNSETTLED) Launch for intercept. Green light. Green light. Oh, yeah. (TENSE MUSIC) Retro-reflective panels engaged. Got a visual on the plane, but feeling a little resistance. It's probably just drag on the new turbines. (HE SHOUTS) Look out for the cloaking camera. Stay in the blind spots. (TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES) Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Deploy high altitude vacuum seal. This better work, Mason. Trust me, boss. Even one of those boxes, and we are set for life. Yeah. You have 30 seconds to get to the cockpit and override their security. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Cloning transponder signal. Launching decoy drone. Entering new coordinates. (DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS) Good. So it's on its way? Yes, sir. Right on course. OK. Thank you. All right. (DRAMATIC MUSIC RESUMES) (MUSIC STOPS) (MOMENTOUS MUSIC) Hot dog. (MOMENTOUS MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC ENDS) (ALARM BLARES) (HE GROWLS) (TENSE MUSIC) Just a typical Homecoming on the outside of an invisible jet... fighting my girlfriend's dad. (BOTH SHOUT) Oh, God! Oh! I can't believe that worked! (HE SHOUTS) (TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC DARKENS) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Chief, Chief, you're losing altitude. Get outta there! I'm not going home empty-handed. Oh, my God! (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Get out of there! What are you doing?! Please turn, please turn! (DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) (DISTANT RUMBLING) (DRAMATIC MUSIC RESUMES) (HE YELLS) (DISTANT RUMBLING) (HE GRUNTS, GROANS) (HIGH-PITCHED WHINE) (HE GRUNTS MUFFLEDLY) (HE SHOUTS MUFFLEDLY) (DARK MUSIC) Hey, Pedro. (DARK MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC DEEPENS) (MUSIC SOFTENS) Bingo. (MUSIC DEEPENS) Your wings... Your wingsuit's going to explode! Time to go home, Pete! I'm trying to save you! (DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS) (MUSIC SOFTENS) No. (UNSETTLED MUSIC) (HE SHOUTS) (HE GRUNTS) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) (MUSIC ENDS) (HEROIC MUSIC) (BOTH GRUNT) (PETER COUGHS) (GENTLE MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (INTRIGUING MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (HEROIC MUSIC) (MUSIC BUILDS) Being a Korean Australian, I couldn't really find the right shade for me. VOICEOVER: True Match foundation - now in 36 shades. My shade is 1.W. 5.N. 7.W. Your skin, your story, by L'Oreal Paris. We're all worth it. * He was just like... And you were like... And then I just hit him with the... It was so... Oh, my God. And you saved me. Awesome. (POIGNANT MUSIC) Hey, Liz! I'm going to miss you. Liz. Liz, look, I'm so sorry. You say that a lot. What are you sorry for this time? The dance? That... was a pretty crappy thing to do. Yeah, but...your dad. I can't imagine what you're going through. If there's anything I can do to help... I guess we're moving to Oregon. Mom says it's nice there, so that's cool. Anyways, Dad doesn't want us here during the trial, so... Liz, I... I... Bye, Peter. Whatever's going on with you, I hope you figure it out. Congratulations, decathlon national champions! I'm going to have to put this back in the trophy case soon, but, just for motivation right now, at this practice. I'm a little ahead of the game, but we will need a new team captain next year. So I am appointing Michelle. Thank you. My friends call me MJ. I thought you didn't have any friends. I didn't. (PHONE BUZZES) I gotta go. Hey, where're you going? What are you hiding, Peter? I'm just kidding. I don't care. Bye. All right. So, we should run some drills. (LOW, INTRIGUING MUSIC) Hey, Happy. What are you doing here? I really owe you one. I don't know what I would do without this job. I mean, before I met Tony... (TOILET FLUSHES) (TAP SQUEAKS, WATER RUNS) (TAP SQUEAKS SHUT) (RUBBISH BIN LID SQUEAKS) So, how long have you been here? Long enough to be awkward. Boss wants to see you. WHISPERS: Is he here, too? In the toilet? No. He's upstate. Upstate? Like upstate, upstate? Yeah. Let's go. Take a look. It's pretty impressive, huh? They just finished remodelling the whole thing. (MOMENTOUS MUSIC) (MUSIC FADES) (WHIRRING) You don't see that every day. Oh, there they are. How was the ride up? Good. Give me a minute with the kid. Seriously? Yeah. I gotta talk to the kid. I'll be close behind. How about a loose follow, all right? Boundaries are good. (SOFT, HEROIC MUSIC) Sorry I took your suit. I mean, you had it coming. Actually, it turns out, it was the perfect, sort of tough-love moment that you needed, right? To urge you on, right? Wouldn't you think? Don't you think? Let's just say it was. Mr Stark, I really... You screwed the pooch hard, big-time. But then you did the right thing. You took the dog to the free clinic, you... raised the hybrid puppies... All right, not my best analogy. I was wrong about you. I think with a little more mentoring... you could be a real asset to the team. STAMMERS: To the team? Yeah. Anyway... There's about 50 reporters behind that door. Real ones, not bloggers. When you're ready... why don't you to try that on? And I'll introduce the world to the newest official member of the Avengers, Spider-Man. (HEROIC MUSIC BUILDS) Yeah. Give that a look. So, after the press conference, Happy will show you to your room, your new quarters. Where's he between? He's next to Vision? Yeah, Vision's not big on doors. It's fun. Or walls. You'll fit right in. (PENSIVE MUSIC) Thank you, Mr Stark. But, I... I'm good. You're good? How are you good? I mean, I'd rather just stay on the ground, for a little while. Friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man. Somebody's gotta look out for the little guy, right? Are you turning me down? You better think about this. Look at that. Look at me. Last chance - Yes or no? No. OK. It's kind of a Springsteeny, working-class hero vibe that I dig. Happy will take you home. Yeah? Yeah. You mind waiting in the car? I need a minute. Thank you, Mr Stark. Yes, Mr Parker. You're very welcome. See you around. That was a test, right? There's nobody back there? Yes. You passed. All right, skedaddle there, young buck. Thank you, Mr Stark. Thank you! Yeah. Thank you! Told you he's a good kid. (REPORTERS CLAMOUR) Where's the kid? He left. Everybody's waiting. You know what, he actually made a really mature choice. He just surprised the heck out of us. Did you guys screw this up? He told the kid to go wait in the car. Are you kidding me? I have a room full of people in there, waiting for some big announcement. What am I going to tell them? Think of something. How about... Hap, you still got that ring? Do I... The engagement ring. Are you kidding? I've been carrying this since 2008. OK. I think I can think of something better than that. It would buy us a little time. Like we need time. I can't believe you have that thing in your pocket. Can I get the door for you, hon? All right. (WARM MUSIC) (MUSIC BUILDS) Aunt May, did you get dinner already? (CURIOUS MUSIC) May? (MUSIC BECOMES HEROIC) (MUSIC SWELLS, ENDS) What the (BLEEP)?! (RAMONES' 'BLITZKRIEG BOP') Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019 ('BLITZKRIEG BOP' CONTINUES) (LOW, FOREBODING MUSIC) Look who it is! What are the odds you and I'd end up at the same summer camp? Relax. This, it's not on you. It's on our...little spider friend. I've got some boys on the outside who would love to meet him. You know, take a picture, slice his throat, put his head in a dryer. And I heard a rumour... (MENACING MUSIC) ...you know who he is. If I knew who he was, he'd already be dead. Toomes! Your family's here. (DRAMATIC ACTION MUSIC) Hi, I'm Captain America, here to talk to you about one of the most valuable traits a soldier or student can have - patience. Sometimes patience is the key to victory, sometimes it leads to very little and it seems like it's not worth it. And you wonder why you waited so long for something so disappointing. How many more of these?