1 SWEEPING MUSIC MUSIC SWELLS PLAINTIVE HARMONICA MUSIC Hi, Curly. Remember me? Mitch Robbins. I was on your last cattle drive. Remember? We birthed that calf together. How you been? Oh, I'm sorry, it's a stu...stupid... stupid thing to say, because, you know, you're... I mean, why get into that? Why depress you? Anyway... I think about you a lot. You changed my whole life. You were right, cowboy. One thing. Just one thing... (Yelps) DRAMATIC MUSIC GROANING SOUND Argh! Argh! City...folk! (Screams) MUSIC BUILDS OMINOUSLY I buried him alive! STIRRING WESTERN MUSIC (Horse whinnies) CLANG! (Horse snorts) Huh? COW MOOS Huh! BOING! BOING! MOANS ECHO Hmm! BOING! Hmmmm? DEEP, ECHOING VOICE (Whimpers) (Groans with effort) (Grumbles) Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! CLANG! STIRRING WESTERN MUSIC Hmm! Argh! (Growls) (Grunts) (Grunts) (Groans repeatedly) (Roars) (Yelps) (Yelps) (Yelps) Ahhh...! THUMP! (Growls) FAST-PACED WESTERN ACTION MUSIC (Bull snorts) SQUEAKY STRETCHING SOUND Hmm! (Bull rumbles) (Growls) FUNKY MUSIC CROWD ROARS Yes! SQUEAKING (Grumbles) STIRRING WESTERN MUSIC (Growls) (Grunts with effort) SOUNDS OF STRUGGLE Phew! Uh-oh... Argghhh... ARRGHHH! PHONE RINGS (Gasps) Hi, Ma. (Chortles on phone) It's September 8, 1952. We're driving back from your Aunt Marsha's, my water breaks, your father jumps the divider of the Solville River Parkway and races me to doctor's hospital, and at 5:16... (Chortles effusively) (Sentimentally) ..out you came. Oh, happy birthday, darling. I can't believe you're 40! (Bursts into tears) Oh, I'm overcome. Talk to your father. Hi, Dad. Hi, boy. Happy birthday. Thanks. How are you? I got a cyst on my testicle. Here's your mother. Don't worry. He's fine. So...how does it feel to be 40? Actually, Mom, I feel great. Why? What's the matter? Ma, he's fine. He's never been better. Oh, you're there too, huh? Hi, Barbara. Well, you two... DOG BARKS ON PHONE Leo! LEO! The dog needs to go out. LEO!! Oh, he's impossible. I'll have to have him neutered. She means the dog. Hey, stop that! I must go - he's peeing on the carpet! She means Dad. Leo! Leo! LEO! 'Bye, Mom. (Tenderly) Oh, 'bye, angel, birthday boy. (Coos) 'Bye! (Hangs up) Happy birthday, honey. Thanks. (Sighs) Oi! What a nightmare! They're your parents. No, no, no. Not them. I had a nightmare that was... I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it, because today is my birthday. The big four-oh. And I feel good. I really feel great. I...I feel good. Yes. (Coughs dramatically) Nurse, nurse, today is my birthday. I'd like to look at the ocean. (Giggles) Thank you. I'm 40, and you know what? It's not so terrible. There's no surprise party, right? Please, no surprise party. Because Abe Goodman's wife threw him a surprise party. They yelled, 'Surprise!' and he had a heart attack. Abe Goodman weighed 400 pounds. You're telling me! I was a pallbearer. I helped carry the camper he was buried in. No surprise party. Just dinner and the movies - us and the kids - then both kids are sleeping over at my sister's. Mmm! And you and I will have the whole house to ourselves. Ooh! All night long. That's my present to you. Can't I open my present now? Tonight. But look! The little man wants to go to the parade. (Chuckles) Save your strength. You'll need it. I love it up here. I'm so glad we moved out of the city. Morning! WOMAN: Good morning. Work is good. I'm just not pushing time any more. I'm the boss now and I like it. Morning! Morning! (Pants) Whew! Want to turn back? Ah, come on, let's go. How will you get into a bathing suit? Look at you - you weigh 800 pounds. And don't tell me Thighmaster. (Moos) You are so out of shape. I'm 40 and you're 1. Look at you! Like this big tub of veal. (Bellows) Hey! Stay in your lane! I'm the guy who saved your life. If it wasn't for me, you'd be wallets. INVIGORATING, POSITIVE MUSIC PIGEONS COO RADIO JINGLE: # W-B-L-L! # OK, we're back. I'm Dr Jeffrey Sambourne. Emotional pain is as real as physical pain. Just because you can't see a wound doesn't mean it isn't there. Remember, I feel your pain. If you want to talk, call 555-HELP. All right, we're talking now with Kenny from New Jersey. Kenny, thanks for waiting. Hey, Mitch. KENNY: That's all right. Kenny, you were telling me that you get extremely depressed at night. Oh, that's when the clothes in my closet come alive. Ex-excuse me? Well, n-not really. It...it's just... Night-time is when I'm alone and my mind... I understand. I...I pretend they're friends. Are...are these men's clothes or, ah, women's clothes? I don't have women's clothes. They're all men's clothes. None at all? None. Oh, Mitch! Hi, Lois. We have a big meeting now. I want to discuss Phil. No! Nobody said anything when you gave your friend your old job despite his lack of experience. I know. Because you're the boss. But you said you'd let him go two months ago. I know. He's costing the station money. It takes a while. Look, he's in his office now - he's trying hard. He's been through a tough time, he's getting divorced - he's just down right now. Then why are you taking him to the Las Vegas convention? They'll charge you for excess baggage. You can't keep putting this off. Lois, today is my birthday. Do you know what you're giving me? Not talking to you about this any more. Thank you! Just what I wanted. Hmm. (Imitates Lois) Hmm! DR JEFFREY: OK, we're back with Kenny from New Jersey. Kenny, do women say things that make you feel disliked? Well, it's not anything that they SAY. It's just a...an overall feeling I get that they're... DR JEFFREY: Mm-hm? What? What do you get? Are you there, Kenny? Oh, I, er... Kenny, are you all right? Are your clothes coming to life? I, er... Kenny? (Laughs nervously) What...what's happening? Wrong number. Kenny, speak to me. Kenny has to go. He's cooking breakfast for his underwear. Who is this? I'm a pair of his socks. You're calling the station psychiatrist when you're supposed to be working?! Well, it's free. You know what psychiatry costs? Anyway, this guy is helping me. Helping you? Phil, last year this guy was doing our traffic reports. If this doesn't work, he'll be the movie critic. What's going on? You were doing well. I'm thinking of going back with Arlene. What? Are you serious? I'm not sure she'd take me back. Phil, Phil, Phil. Think about what you're saying. Going back to Arlene is like breaking back into Alcatraz. You were miserable with Arlene. Yeah, but I wasn't lonely. Come home with me tonight. It's my birthday. We're going out. I forgot your birthday! Don't worry about it. You just come with me. But you can't sleep over. 'Cause Barbara and I are... You can't. That's OK. And this weekend we're going to Vegas. That'll be fun. Yeah. Ooh, we got a big meeting. Come on. Oh! Thank God I've got this job to go to or I'd REALLY go crazy. Yeah. Good morning, everybody. ALL: Morning. What's with the champagne? What are we celebrating? We're celebrating two things. First, today happens to be my 40th birthday. MAN: Whoo! And secondly, and maybe more importantly, in one minute, George Leyton's gonna call to inform us officially that we're now the New York affiliate of the 'Jerry Jackson Show'! (All applaud and whistle) Wow, that show's a goldmine! Sure is. I had to clear the 6.00 to 10.00 slot. We're talking scheduling changes, marketing, promotion, sales. This is great for us all. PHONE RINGS (Phil answers phone) Hello? Call for Mitch. Put it through, Alice. This must be the call! Phil, put it on the speaker. Let's share it. Good morning! Got good news for me? BARBARA: Tonight I'm gonna pull down your pants and sink my hands into your cute little ass and then give you a tongue bath. I'm gonna start at your feet and slowly work my way up... Hello! P.A.: New Rochelle. Phil, we're here. Phil! We're here. TRAIN'S BRAKES SQUEAL FOREBODING MUSIC Phil! Phil! I'm up! Come here! Phil! What? What? Nothing. Come on. Excuse me! Coming through! Hey, Mitch? DRAMATIC WESTERN MUSIC Curly! THUNDERCLAP I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Who was that? I...thought it was somebody else. Oh. Come on! It's your birthday. Let's go. Yeah. What if he was a narcoleptic? Who? Curly. Curly? The trail boss? Yeah. They go into these trances where it looks like they're dead but... ..they're not. Mitch, he was dead. We checked. He was... Why are you even thinking about this? I thought I just saw Curly on the train. That's who I was chasing after. Yeah, right! We buried him alive, he stayed underground for a year, got up, dusted himself off and then got on the commuter train to New Rochelle. That makes sense. Yeah, you're right. I must just be tired, that's all. THUNDERCLAP Honey, I'm home! Guess who's coming to dinner. Oh, so you knew he was coming? Yeah - I invited him. How could you? What are you saying? I'll leave... You know I can't stand him! Oh, my God! Honey, this is PHIL. This is our friend. Phil? I'm not talking about Phil. Oh, you thought I meant Phil? Yeah! No, Phil, no! Oh! Phil, oh, no! I love YOU! Oh! Well, then, what are we talking about? Then you don't know? No, I don't. Can I buy a vowel? (Softly) Your brother's here. Oh, no! Glen? Crazy Glen? What do you mean, he's here? What do I mean? He's HERE. He's in our den watching a Spanish soap opera. TELEVISION How is he? How did he seem? He came in, asked me to make him a sandwich, no crust, then started making long-distance calls. First, of course, he did three scenes from 'Godfather II'. He still does that? I love that! Phil, I'm warning you. If you mention 'The Godfather' to him, I'll rip your arms out and beat you with them. This was such a good birthday! What's Glen been doing? He's been doing nothing. He's the vice-president of Lazy. He visits family members, stays till they throw him out, he borrows money... 'Borrows'! 'Borrows' indicates an intent to repay. He gets jobs that aren't jobs. We only ever receive change of address cards. I mean, he's lost. He's a lost soul. He's a dented can. He's...behind me, isn't he? Mitchie! Buenos dias! Hello, Glen. How was your sandwich? Ah, delightful. Listen, sorry about what I said. Water off a duck's back. Come here. (Laughs happily) Boy, look at you! You're still the world's smallest big brother. Hey, Glen. Phil! Long time no see! How are you? Well, I'm getting divorced, I'm living alone. Struggling for a reason to live. Whoo! Hey, too much information for me. Boy, I cannot get over this place. I mean, look at it. I mean, you got birds and trees and you got those fish and a cow and... Oh, by the way. There is something wrong with your cow. What? I thought I'd help out with the chores, you know? So I figured, milk the cow. I reach under there, I'm pulling and tugging, I'm tugging, I'm pulling - nothing, not a drop. The cow's name is Norman. You were pulling on his dick. I'm gonna go wash up. Hey, Glen. Let me ask you something. Who had Frankie Pentangeli killed? MITCH: Phil! Hey...the Azzardo brothers. (Laughs) Who gave the order? You stupid dolt! I love this! "There was this kid I grew up with. "He was younger than me - looked up to me, you know?" Glen... "We did our first work together. "Worked our way up the streets. "Things were good. We made the most of it." I gotta change. "During Prohibition, we ran molasses into Canada. "Made a fortune." "Ran molasses to Canada"! Run brains to your head! I can't believe you're from the same gene pool. He's from the shallow end. When's he leaving? I'll talk to him tonight. Hi, Dad. Happy birthday. Thanks, Holly. Did you see your uncle Glen? He borrowed $10 from me. Seen your brother? He's hiding from Uncle Glen. Find him and say we're leaving soon. DOORBELL RINGS Who is that now? It's Curtis. I invited him to come. Curtis the lab experiment? Dad! Mitch! Honey, I know you like him. But it's MY birthday. I wanted this to be family. Mom! Answer the door. (Glen keeps doing 'Godfather' impersonation) Holly, I... I don't trust this Curtis. He's got earrings, his nose is pierced - he's not a boy, he's a fishing lure. GLEN: "This is the business we've chosen. "As much as..." What are we gonna do about him? We were supposed to be alone tonight! I was planning to make noise! I will send him home with Phil. It's perfect! Tonight is our night. Tonight, I'm the Energizer bunny. Bing! "Someone put a bullet through his eye." * THUNDERCLAP You relaxed now? Mm-hm! It's time. Mmm. I'm gonna change. Change? Into what? So your husband's out of town, huh? What? Nothing. Just something that helps me. THUNDERCLAP (Throatily) I'm Antonio. Dance with me. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Oh, I look like a schmuck! DISTANT THUNDERCLAP THUNDERCLAP Ow! Ow! MAGICAL MUSIC What's this? DRAMATIC WESTERN MUSIC FOREBODING MUSIC What the hell was in your hat, Curly? THUNDERCLAP What the hell is this? "$1,000,000 in gold. I took it - you find it"! What the hell... Mitch! FAST-PACED MUSIC I'm ready. Just a second. SEDUCTIVE MUSIC Happy birthday. (Purrs) Wow! If I scream too loud... ..tough! Mmm! I'm done. What happened? I...I just... Well, there was, I think, too much anticipation, you know. And you look so great. Yeah? And the kissing was great. I mean, really top-notch kissing. And... It's better this way. For whom? You. I mean for us. I mean... Because now... ..that one's out of the way. Right. In about 10 minutes the new shift comes on and I'll be in total control, hmm? Go hide in any room and I'll look for you. (Laughs) What?! Yeah. Come on. Go, go. This will be great. Yeah. This will be great. Any room in the house. I guess I got you too excited. Woof! Woof! (Giggles) Go hide. THUNDER RUMBLES (Seductively) Oh, Mitch... I'm hiding. (Whispers) I don't believe this. (Yells) Mitch! OK. DRAMATIC MUSIC Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I feel your pain. Take me through this again. Last year you buried someone you were fond of. Mm-hm. Someone I was very fond of. Someone with whom I had a great relationship. But now this dead individual seems to be following me. Excuse me? I'm plotzing. I'm seeing him... Are you listening to this nut? (Embarrassed laugh) He's crazy. Are you seeing him now? Uh, gotta go. Uh, morning. You busy? Um, Phil, actually, could I talk to you for a second? What? You know what - forget about it. Have you got a problem? I love to hear about other people's problems. Makes me feel normal. Well, I know that this is going to sound crazy, but... ..I saw him again. Who? Curly. Oh, God, Mitch! Last night outside my bedroom window. I ran out there but he was gone. I'm telling you we buried him alive. He's really pissed and he wants his hat back. I'm taking you home. No! No! Let me explain. Nobody returns from the dead for their hat. If this was in it? This was in Curly's hat? Yes. It was sewn in the hatband. Read this. "Wes Pac. Eat my dust. I took it, you find it. "$1,000,000. L. Washburn." Who's L. Washburn? No idea. What is this? I think it's a treasure map. No kidding? I'm not imagining this, right? There's a piece missing. It's got the trail and the 'X' where it's buried. A million dollars? Yeah. I've got some books about the old west. There's lots of money buried all over the west that's never even been found. I bet this map tells you where it's buried. Where what's buried? Phil's grandmother. Um. What's up, Glen? We're, uh, really busy. I'll go do a little more research on this... ..the, uh... ..Grandma. Wow! This is a big office. It's not that big. (Reads) "Mitch Robbins, Station Manager". (Chuckles) What is it, Glen? I'm a little busy. Nothing. Well, that's great you got Phil a job. That's really nice. What's it been - about five months now? Yeah. Hmm. That's weird, 'cause I called you about six months ago, remember? I asked you about any openings. You said there wasn't anything. Then a month goes by and something opens up and, uh, Phil gets it. (Chuckles) My tough luck, I guess, or bad timing, huh? You know I always try to take care of you. (Yells) Take care of me?! Mikey, you're my kid brother! And YOU take care of ME? You're MY kid brother and my name's not Mikey! Fredo does this. Fredo does that. Glen... I'm smart. Stop it. I'm smart. I want respect. Would you stop with this 'Godfather' stuff? You wanna talk about this, I mean seriously? Yeah. 'Cause you have a job for a friend and not for a brother. Don't tell me that Phil's anything special, all right? I mean, I like Phil. But let's face it - he's a lamb chop short of a mixed grill. When you tell me... I'll tell you something. I'll be perfectly honest with you. I didn't want you to work here because I can't count on you. You know? I've tried to help you in the past and you embarrassed me, frankly. When? When?! The ad agency thing. Bob Richardson gave you that job as a personal favour to me. And you let him down! Hey. Hey! Bob Richardson said terrible things about you behind your back, all right? We had a huge fight. I told him I don't care who he is - he can't talk about my brother like that. I refused to work there any more. He told me you never even showed up. Oh, THAT Bob Richardson! Well, that guy... That guy, he is a... (Stutters) God! Glen. (Mumbles) He...he... Oh, no. Look... I'll just deal with the fact that my brother thinks I'm an idiot. Don't turn this into an opera! I don't think you're an idiot. No? Not once have you said you're proud of me. For what? Thanks. Glen. Glen. DOOR CLOSES Uh... Damn it! ELEVATOR BELL DINGS Glen, wait a sec. Glen, come here. Come here! Let go of me, you big bully. Come here. Listen to me. I'm sorry, but you set me up for that. You've a right to feel like that. Would you just please listen to me? Friday I'm going to Las Vegas. There's a big convention. Why don't you come with me and Phil? You'll meet some people, make some contacts. Maybe something will come out of it. IF you're really looking for a serious job this time, OK? Hey, Mitch, come on. I found some... Grandma! Mitch, can you loan me $10? * And then it just hit me. Wes Pac - Western Pacific Railroad. I bet that million dollars is from a train robbery. A million dollars, Mitch - a million dollars. A little louder - some of the crack dealers didn't hear you. I'll get you a decaf. I got it! Hey, Mitch, look at this. June 12, 1908. 1908 - that's written on the back. What's Curly got to do with that? That's before he was born. Look at this. The starting spot on the map, Spencer - it's only 65 miles from Las Vegas. This is fate! Shhh! Up yours. "Million dollars in gold bars lost." That was a million then. Gold is 10 times more valuable now. 20! (Both exclaim) $20 million! SHHHHHH! Sorry. What am I doing? I'm getting crazy. This isn't crazy. It's all fitting into place. I've got the trial of the guys who robbed the train. "Stood impassively while sentenced..." Blah, blah. "Leader of the gang, Lincoln Washburn..." L. Washburn! I don't believe this. "..challenged authorities. 'I took it, you find it,' he said. "So far, none of the gold has been recovered." None of the gold has been recovered! Mitch! Let's do it. Do what? Go after the gold. Are you serious? Yes. From Las Vegas... Shh! ..let's follow the map and see where it leads us. You're getting a little excited. Damn right! Mitch, Mitch, this could be the opportunity of a lifetime. You're out of control! Stop and think a minute. Why would Curly keep this in his hat? Because he didn't take a filing cabinet on the cattle drive. If he had this gazillion-dollar map, why didn't he go get the treasure? Maybe he never got around to it. Never got around...?! For $20 million, you'd budget your time. (Hisses violently) Shhh! (Calls out) Mitch! Mitch! Shh! Wait. Stop it. When I saw this map, I got excited too. But we can't go nuts. I'm 40! What does that mean? I don't know. (Calls out) Mitch! SHHHH! Come on! If you show me what this has to do with Curly, I'll believe you. Then I would say it's real. But you can't, so it isn't. Mitch... ..meet Lincoln Washburn. MITCH: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Hi, honey, I'm in Las Vegas. Yeah, at the convention. Yeah. We're just relaxing by the pool. (Rooster crows) Weather is hot, yeah. 120 - but dry, so you don't even notice it. (Goat bleats) Honey, listen, here's the thing. They had some sort of an electrical...thing at the hotel. I don't know. It was a...thing. The...the switchboard, like, blew up. (Donkey brays) What am I doing here? No calls coming in, no calls going out. If you want to call me, use the cellular 'cause I'll have it with me every second, OK? All right! So don't call the hotel, uh, call me. I gotta go, honey. We're gonna go see Siegfried and Roy. (Cow moos) I love you too. 'Bye. (Laughs) You lied to her. Should I tell her the truth? That I'm jeopardising my career by hunting for a buried treasure? She'd be real supportive! You know, this whole situation drips with irony. Does it? Oh, drips! What if it was MY idea? If I was bagging MY job to hunt treasure? You'd be saying, "Same old crazy, irresponsible Glen." But YOU doing it is all right. How do you explain that? The map says it's a day and a half to the gold and a day and a half back. We'll be back Monday tops. Hmm. Why are you making me feel guilty about this? Shouldn't you be grateful we included you? Your share could be seven million... Everything's all set. Oh, good! Good! Where's my other friend? He's inside, setting up with my partner. Uh-huh. Lots of stuff for a few days of camping - shovels, ropes... Well, actually, we're seismologists from Cal Tech. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Do you know anything about geology or earthquakes? No. Oh, well... The continental plates are in a state of extreme seismic tension throughout this entire igneous, polygamous, Jurassic, Hasidic region. And when these plates get in that state of tension, what we have to do is dig down and relax them. Golly! Well put. So there's this guy's picture in this old newspaper. He looks like the guy we knew who had the map. It must have been his father or grandfather. That convinced us that this gold is up there. Phil! (Embarrassed chuckle) I don't know. I don't really believe much in this treasure-hunting business. But I wish you boys a whole lot of luck. We don't want to look stupid. Ah, that's all right. Lot of you city boys come out here thinking you'll dig up some gold - keeps us in business. OK. Let's get started. Thank you very much. Oh, sure. Thanks. Thank you. Hey, now, you boys be careful. Turn your boots upside down at night. Watch where you step. Watch where you squat. (Horse neighs) Squat?! A city boy come here about a year ago, he was squatting down doing his business - rattlesnake got him right in the keister. Ugh. (Both laugh) See you in a few days, I hope. Did you tell him your entire life? No, of course not. I just... Hey, Phil... I'd think twice before going back to that wife of yours. That'd be like sticking your balls in a bear trap. Hmm. And that would be a bad thing, right? (Makes squashing noise) (Laughs) I'm joking. It's just a... It's a joke. We should go 'cause... hey, we're in a handicap spot. Gays in the military - your thoughts. Well, we'll be back after these commercial breaks. 'Bye. Let's go, boys! Yee-haha! CHEERFUL WESTERN MUSIC Good luck! Hope you find lots and lots of gold. (Both laugh heartily) Woooh! * TRIUMPHANT ADVENTURE MUSIC PHIL: Well? It says, "The band plays the way." What band? What does that mean - "plays the way"? I don't know. It's very hard to read. Which way is north? Up. What do you mean 'up'? North on the map is always up. So I guess that means we should go up. So every time you go up you're going north and every time you go down you're going south? Yeah. Now you're starting to frighten me. Ho, ho! Hold up here. Maybe a compass would have been a wise purchase instead of the four pounds of tortilla chips. Let's see. I can't...can't make out anything here. Look at this. It's all written so small. I know. What does this mean? Give me the map. Let Magellan have a look. Some of us come prepared. Can you hold this, please? Thank... Move! You're in my light. All right. Now, the sun sets in the east, right? No, the sun sets in the west. That's if you're in the east but we're way out west now so we're past where the sun sets. You can't be past where the sun sets. If you think you can then I'm south of an idiot. Which is down! Right. Speaking of idiots - it doesn't say, "The band plays the way." It says, "The hand points the way." That's a lot better. What does that mean? "The hand points the way." Yes. "The hand points the way." Yeah. "The hand points the way!" Look! It's a hand. "The hand points the way." The map is real! Look at it! Here it is! It's real! "The hand points the way!" Hooray! (Laughs) We're gonna get the gold! Yee-haa! What are you doing? It's Walter Huston's dance from 'Treasure of the Sierra Madre'. Oh, yeah! He found the gold and he did the dance. I loved it! (Imitates Huston) Rich, boys, we're gonna be rich! Look, it's real. "The hand points the way." The map is real! The map is on fire! It's on fire! Shit! Get it! Oh, no! Get it! Oh, no! Phil, get it. I got it. I got it. I got it. Phil! Oh...ooh! I got it. I got it! Phil! Phil got it. I got it! I got it! Ugh! Ugh! Watch it! Look out! Ahhhh! Got it! Oh, oh, oh, oh! PHIL: Chiropractor. GLEN: 12. Unbelievable! Also 12. How do you do that? 14. No. I'm really asking you. How do you do that? Oh, I just automatically see how many letters in every word. My brother, the Rain Man. Wayne Newton. 11. (Mimics Dustin Hoffman) Yeah. Yeah, definitely 11. Let me ask you something. If I'd died today, would you still play this game? Mitch, it's over. You're OK. Everybody's OK. No, I know. I'm sorry. I'm just...just a little petrified of heights which is why I'm not tall. Listen, Phil, I'm making you a copy of the map in case something like this happens again. Oh! So Phil gets a copy, but not me! We don't need three copies. Yeah. But why automatically does Phil get the copy? Well... ..'cause... I see. What does that mean? It means I see. Where are you going? I'm going to bed. Listen, Phil... ..is it OK with you if Glen gets the copy? Fine. Thank you. I've already given him $7 million. Why not a map? OK, here we go. I told you I had already invited him to Las Vegas. What was I going to say - "Stand by the roulette table. We'll be back in three days"? I know he's your brother and basically he's a nice guy but I've got this terrible feeling he'll screw this up. He already set fire to the map! I know. I'll watch him. I'll be responsible for him. Nothing should mess this up. It's too important. Don't worry. So far so good. We're having a great time. I almost got killed today! (Both laugh) ADVENTUROUS WESTERN MUSIC I made you a map. You did? I put it in your saddlebag. Thanks. It means a lot to me that you brought me along on this thing. Come on. No, I...I mean it. What it reminds me of is... Remember how Mom forced you to take me to the movies with your friends? She never forced me. She just said if I didn't take you, she'd hang herself. Oh! (Cackles) Yeah, but you were really nice about it, you know. I remember you gave me my own personal box of milk duds and you'd take me to the bathroom during the best part of the movie and you let me sit next to you. Hmm. Can I ask you something? Sure. What do you do? What do I do? Yeah, sometimes we don't hear from you for months. Oh! I do a lot of things. Sales, mostly. For a while I was an animal detective. What's that? Some poodle calls and says, "My wife is fooling around with a bulldog"? (Laughs) No. No, once by accident I found this dog and I called the owner. He gave me $100. I made it into a business. I'd find lost dogs. People paid big ransoms. Ransom?! OK, ransom is a bad choice of words. That's the word they used at court. I'm still fighting it. Good for you. There's Phil's horse. Where's Phil? Whoa! Whoa! Phil? You all right? I'll just be a second. Yeah, right. Ow! He must be having trouble. Relax. Don't strain. VICIOUS RATTLING (Screams) Ah! Ah! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! (Phil screams) Too many tortilla chips. Yes. Mitch, I was bit by a rattler! Mitch, help! A snake! Oh, my God! A snake! A snake! A rattler! It bit me on the ass. Oh, God! I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die! Hold on. Somebody suck out the poison! Please! He's YOUR friend. But YOU slept with his sister. I'm losing feeling! Can't we wait till the poison travels up? Please! Just... I understand. Glen? Suck on his ass. What?! Mitch! (Lisps) I can't speak! Can't speak. My tongue's numb. I've done you a million favours, and ONCE I ask you to do something for me. Sucking poison out of your friend's ass? Forget it! I'm blind! Where are you? (Muffled) I'm here, I'm here. Don't worry, Phil, I'm gonna do it. But I'm not gonna forget this, Glen. Argh! Help me! Argh! Mitch! Please! OK. Hurry. Hurry. Ugh. Would you SUCK already?! That is not a snakebite! Huh? No. You sat on a cactus. Ow! You sat on a cactus. I...I felt the sting and I saw that snake and I remembered what those guys said and... ..I thought I was really gonna die there. It's over. You're OK. You were gonna do it. You were gonna suck on my ass. Look, it's over. You're my friend, Mitch. Sure I am. You really care about me. You really care about me! Oh, Mitch! It's OK, Phil. (Cries loudly) He gets a little emotional. (Cries more loudly) (Chokes back tears) (Cries) (Sobs) WE used to be that close! Oh, God. Glen... Let's get that gold. I want that gold! Yeah! Yee-ha! Yes! This is the business we've chosen. Yee-ha! Yes! Yee-ha! UPBEAT WESTERN MUSIC (Voice echoes) Batting first and playing centre field, number seven, Mickey Mantle. That was right. This...I can't see. BOTH: Hey! How does the TV know what it wants you to play? Because you've told the VCR. Once you tell the VCR, you don't have to tell the TV anything. The VCR does all the work. No, it's a great convention, honey. Honey? Hello? (All shout excitedly) MUSIC BUILDS MUSIC QUIETENS Hey, Phil. Is this beef jerky or turkey jerky? Does it really matter? How do they make that stuff anyway? Jerky? It's an interesting process. Take a great piece of meat and then a New York cab driver sits on it for four months. (Laughs quietly) Hey, how are those idiots we rented this stuff from gonna feel when we bring back all that gold? Ooh, ooh, ooh. The looks on those faces. Those tobacco-chewing, gun-rack-having, chicken-screwing, sister-marrying, abandoned- toilet-seat-in-the-front-yard-having, vitamin-deficiencied, ugly faces. They're behind me, aren't they? Howdy, boys. Hey! What a coincidence. We were just talking about you. Why are you here? We followed you. Isn't that nice, huh? Talk about service. But everything's great - the equipment, the food...ooh. That jerky. Forget about it. Better than my mother's. But she used onions. We want the map. Map? The one ol' Stretch there told us about. Oh! Map. (Forces laughter) It's like you said. We're like all those dumb city boys who come looking for treasure. Just like you said. Nope. This cowboy kept this map in his hat. Means it was something special. And if his daddy did that hold-up... We want that map! Don't make us look for it. Hey, fellas. Come on. I know what you're feeling, OK? I've been there. I'm still there. You feel like you have no control over your life, that nothing makes any... It's in the saddlebag. * C'mon, guys. You can't leave us like this. We're not gonna make any trouble. We've got families. We've got kids. Let us go and we'll forget about it. Absolutely. Not me. If I see you again, I'll kill you! Glen! Will you shut up? Pig boy! PHONE RINGS That's my wife. I really should take this. Could you get it and press 'send'? PHONE STOPS RINGING Looks like you won't be talking to her after all. (Giggles) All right, look. You got two choices. We leave you here and the animals will smell your flesh burning and they'll come down and chew you up pretty bad. Or? We shoot you in the head now. Nah...I think we shoot them right now. Got any last words? GUNS FIRE ANGELIC CHOIR MUSIC Curly! I knew it! You're alive! Curly, I swear - we thought you were dead. We didn't know! Please, Curly. Curly, I'm sorry we buried you. But you looked so dead! Curly. Sorry, Curly. I'm not Curly. I'm Duke. Duke? Curly was my brother. Your brother? Brother. The other night. You were on the 5.38 train to New Rochelle. Yeah, and I was outside your window that night. You have a lovely home. Thanks. We did lots of work. Where you were was a toolshed. The house was disastrous. The wood rot... Where's my brother's map? The map. They got the map. No. You gave them... You gave THEM my brother's map?! No, no! It's OK. It's not the real map. What? What do you mean? That's the map you gave me. I didn't make you a real copy. I changed it. Why? In case something like this happened! You didn't trust me. No, no. Your map led to the highway. I wanted you to be safe! No! You thought I'd steal the gold! No, I didn't! You two pixies, knock it off! Where's the damn map? What the hell are you staring at? Curly's twin. I can't get over it. Well, get over it. Or I'll turn YOU into twins. Oh, I see. Now, that...that piece was missing when we found it. Yeah, and I accidentally burned that hole. Aaah! Can't tell you how often my daddy put me and my brother on his knees and... ..and told us about this treasure. He said we'd get it when the time was right. When they weren't watching any more. Why wait so long? If Curly had the map, why...? We didn't know there was a map till a year ago. Our mom died. She was 95. Stabbed in a bar fight. She gave Curly the map on her deathbed. He wrote to me. Told me I should come home, we were gonna be rich. Till then, he would keep it under his hat. Where were you? You writing a book? No. By the time I got back, Curly had died on a cattle drive, that... ..that dumb son of a bitch. His pal, Cookie... ..told me that you had his hat so I came looking for you. Found you, didn't I? Why didn't you knock on my door and explain everything? Why'd you have to terrify me? I didn't know what you were like. And I wasn't sure you knew about the map. If you didn't, I sure as hell wasn't gonna tell you. Then when you came out here, I figured you could do the work and I'd just take it from you. Well, you guys oughta be heading back to town. Back? What do you mean 'back'? Your mommies will be worried about you. Thanks for the map. Wait a second. You can't... I can't what? Nothing. MELANCHOLY MUSIC Well, that's it, I guess. HORSE NEIGHS What do you want? You may look like Curly, but you're nothing like him. Yeah. Curly was a good man. A decent man. He had dignity, y'know? And he wouldn't like how you're treating his friends. You were his friend? Yeah. Matter of fact, he changed my whole life. I was really confused and he told me that one thing... He told you about that one thing, huh? Yeah, and if he was here now and saw what you're doing, he'd kick the living shit out of you. Curly told you about the one thing. (Sighs) He must've liked you. He did. Well, if you and your friends wanna ride along... As partners? Hell. Half of what's up there is more than I'll ever need. Half? You mean you get half and we have to split half? Which is fine. I'll go along with that. Just remember something. Don't mess with us, pal. We're from New York. You ever talk to me like that again and I'll turn your balls into earrings. Understand? Go for it. We're close. Less than a day. Can you hear it? The gold, it's singing to us. "Come and get me, come and get me, come and get me." Curly was wrong. There are two things - whatever the hell this is... ..and gold! Let's go get it. INSPIRING WESTERN MUSIC * Phil, you're never gonna meet women sitting in your apartment reading those Time-Life books. You gotta get out and go places. A woman wants someone like me, she buys a three-legged dog. Phil, if this isn't too personal a question... ..when's the last time you were...with a woman? Aah...Saturday. Saturday will be a year. Ouch. If I'd known, I would've gotten a cake. Who was she? This girl I met on the cattle drive. Oh, Bonnie. Right. She was cute. Sweet, too, but I was just two weeks out of my marriage. I was a huge sack of tears. Wonder if I remember how to do it? C'mon, it's like riding a bicycle. Only you're naked. Speaking of which, did you ever see our parents doing it? No. Why, did you? Yes. Whoa! Whoa! Really? Worst thing I've ever seen. That's horrible for a kid. This was three weeks ago in Florida! Ugh! Did you walk into the bedroom? It was in the kitchen. Ugh! It looked spontaneous, because Pop's hat was still on. You know, the one with the golfball? It was horrible. Wax fruit flying everywhere, dog barking, my kids' pictures flapping around on the refrigerator... OK, stop it. Pop was working hard - "Uh! Uh! Uh! Ah, enough of that. "Did you take the car in?" I think that's beautiful. Beautiful? Not from my angle. Two people in love after all those years? That's great! Great? An hour later we ate on that table. Ugh! (Gasps) You OK? Yeah. First time on a horse in 50 years. What? But you're a cowboy. Nah. I was born around here but I left when I was 15. Where'd you go? Oh, World War II. Lied about my age and joined the navy. First look at the big blue. After the war...merchant marine, charter boats. Anything to stay on the ocean. Wow. Yep. Been around the world 21 times. Curly loved the land and I loved the sea. Mmm! So you're like surf'n'turf, huh? (Laughs) You thought that was funny? No. I'm just thinking what I'd like to do to you. Oh. HORSE NEIGHS Ooh. Look at that. Oh, look at how great he looks. Majestic, you know? I dreamed about a horse like this. I wanna ride alongside him. Why? To see how riding alongside a wild animal feels. Like going on vacation with Arlene. EXHILARATING WESTERN MUSIC (Urges on horse) SURGING WESTERN MUSIC C'mon! Ha! Whoa! Ha! MUSIC SOFTENS Where did he go? (Whistles) RUMBLING RUMBLING GETS LOUDER Shit! Where'd he go? Quiet. DISTANT RUMBLING RUMBLING GETS CLOSER What is that? What IS that?! It's an earthquake! Go! Go! He's got friends! Get outta here! THUNDERING HOOVES Stampede! Oi! Holy shit! Go! Go! Let's head for the trees. Come on! Go! Whoa! Whoa! Let's go. Come on! Whoa! AAAHH! Oh, no! Duke! Duke! Duke! Duke! Lost my goddamn map! Forget it! Come on! Sons of bitches! Duke, let's get out of here! I'm going after Glen! Help! Help! Mitch! Help! I'm coming! Pull 'em up! Pull 'em up! With what? Get to the front and pull 'em up! I can't. PHONE RINGS Mitch! One...two... YAAAHH! Mitch? Mitch! Mitch! What are you doing? I'm saving you, you schmuck! Glen! The wagon's coming apart! What? You're gonna have to jump. AAARGH! We're coming to the edge! You've gotta jump now! I can't! Jump! I can't! You pain in the ass! Listen to me for once. Get your fat ass out here and jump NOW! Come on! JUMP! NOW! Mitch! Do something! Hold on! POIGNANT MUSIC Are you OK? Yeah. Are you OK? Yeah. You can let go now. Soon. * Ow! Ahh! I'm...I'm... You saved my life. Mitch! You are amazing! And the WAY you did it! Well, this is a whole lot different than just suckin' on Phil's ass. Excuse me? Did I hear right? Yeah, Phil thought a snake bit him. I don't care! And whatever went on before, stops. Now. Yes, sir. Is this real bad? Nah. Looks like you spent the night with a Singapore hooker. Oh, great. That's it. Ah ha ha ha! I'm dead. They're just scratches. No, you don't get it. Barbara can't reach me, so by now she's called the hotel in Vegas, realised I've been lying to her, then I come home with scratches on my back. It's over. I'm divorced. My next romantic candlelit dinner will be with Phil. Well, pick a night, because the map is gone. Everything's been trampled - the food, the tents, the sleeping bags. What's left? Three miners' helmets and a tube of Chapstick. Oh, what's the difference? The only thing that mattered was that map. This is all my fault. YOUR fault? Mm-hm. I dropped it. Yeah, but only because I went frolicking with some stallion. Ah! I'm sorry, Duke. I'm really sorry. If we don't get lost, can we make it back to town before we starve? Yeah, it's only a day and a half. I'll think of another lie to tell Barbara. Hey, if you guys go home, I'm not splitting the treasure with you. You mean you're not coming back with us? No. The gold is that way. Yes, but the Grandslam Pancake Breakfast at the 'Mirage' is that way. Uh-huh. Duke, we've got no map. You gonna wander around the west, hoping to stumble onto the gold? Something like that. Please don't take this the wrong way. But you're insane. 'Insane' is coming this far and then just going back. If you guys wanna go home, go ahead. But that gold... That's the only dream I got left. "Over the buffalo's back and under the frozen people." What? "Over the buffalo's back and under the frozen people." That's the rest of the map. Glen, how do you know? You never saw the real map. I saw it yesterday when we were looking for the hand. Listen, this isn't memorising a movie or counting the letters in 'felafel'. Seven! I'm telling you, we'll have that gold by tomorrow night. I can draw that map exactly like the original. I can get us there if you trust me. Mitch. Mitch, please! For once in your life, just trust me. THUNDER RUMBLES Trust you?! Are you sure it said "buffalo's back"? We've seen nothing that looks like a buffalo's back! You know something? You have not stopped whining since we started. It's like going on vacation with an ambulance. Nyeeeee! Nyeeeee! Shut up! You shouldn't be on this. If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't even be here. I'm freezing to death! Hurry - it's going out. Here. WIND HOWLS That's the last one. Well...'night. 'Night? How about goodbye? We're gonna die up here. The sun's up in five hours. Tomorrow morning, we're ALL going to be rich. THUNDER RUMBLES Hey, look, guys. We're really in trouble here. And, well, in case we never find our way out, and I die first... ..eat me. EAT you? Ugh! I mean, if you're starving to death. EAT you? I don't even like talking to you on the phone. I'm willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the group. 'EAT me'? What a lovely image. 'Eat me'? Glen, I'm still hungry. Is there any more Phil? Ooh, pass the Phil. Mmm! He's even good cold. Great party, thanks to Phil! Mmm! All right, so don't eat me. Jesus Christ! What a bunch of little pisspots! (Grumbles) THUNDER Maybe if we huddle together, we could share our body warmth. My Time-Life book says people can survive that way. I mean, we're three 98.6s. How much is that, Glen? 295.8. That's too hot. So what are you saying? Well, I'm saying...we should hug. All night? Well, yeah. OK. Come on, Glen. Ow! My leg. Aargh! Easy! Ow! Ow! Hey, that's my... Hold still. I'm trying to sleep. You know what? It IS a little warmer. Yeah. Hey, guys? Hmm? What about Duke? What about him? Well, shouldn't we invite him to... To what? To join us? What, are you crazy? Look at him. I mean, he could die. This isn't right. Yeah, all right. Who's gonna ask him? Well, you've been getting along with him the best. Oh, no. Don't make me do this. Mitch, go! Save my place. (Shivers) THUNDER BLASTS Duke? Yeah? The guys and I were wondering if you'd like to come back to our place and...you know, maybe we could all... All what? Hug! Holy God, I'm here with a goddamned musical. No, no, no, no, no. What I meant was... Ooh! As body warmth. If we press against each other... Uh-huh? Duke, come on. You could die up here. Maybe. Hey! Curly ever mention me? Hell, Curly wasn't really what you'd call gabby. He wasn't that chatterbox you remember from your youth. When was the last time you saw him? Oh, God. Long ago. But when you have a twin, you see him every time you look in the mirror. You know, sometimes you don't know what you have until... ..until you don't have it any more. I liked having a brother. Did Curly...die happy? Does anybody? Well... I think he did, Duke. The last thing he said to me was, "There's nothin' like bringing in a herd." That must be how you feel when you're at sea. I lost my boat in a squall about two years ago. I just wasn't a good enough sailor. I came ashore. Oh. What have you been doing since? Well, a friend of mine's son opened a seafood restaurant in San Diego. The Happy Pirate. I work there. You're the manager? Ah. No. I am the happy pirate. Bird on my shoulder, pirate hat, one hand's a hook. "How would you like your burger cooked, matey?" (Cackles) Sometimes, I can't stand it. I wanna spit in their goddamn clam chowder. I've been a sailor for 50 years. I don't know how to do anything else. I'd just be lost. Mitch, I...I gotta find that gold, Mitch. I need that gold. * Ugh! Guys! Guys, come on. Are you all right? Are you all right? Come on, Phil, Glen. Wake up. Come on. Guys, we made it. We're alive. We did it. Come on, get up. (Groans) All right, now listen. This is it. This is finished. We're going back. No. Listen, no arguments, Glen. We'll never survive another night like this. No argument here. Let's just go. All right. You'd better tell Duke. OK. Where is he? You guys pack up. I'll go find him. Come on. Come on. Uh! Duke? Duke? Duke? Duke. Hey, Duke? Duke. Duke? Oh, no! Not him too! What is with this family? Everybody dies sitting up. See, you wouldn't hug us, you big dope! Aaah! You thought I was dead, didn't you? Yes! What do you want? Listen, Duke, I know how much this treasure means to you, but we're going back. Aaah! You mean back that way? Yeah. Over the buffalo's back? What buffalo's back? There is no buffalo's back. The buffalo's back. Down there. Here, look through this, look. Look down there. We crossed it in the dark and didn't even know it. Glen was right?! Yeah. He was also right about the frozen people. How do you know? Look down there! Look. I don't believe it! (Laughs) Let's go, buddy. There they are! Yeah, yeah. Are you still gonna go back? No. Ha ha ha! (Growls) Here, give me this. Go ahead, get ready. Guys! We're gonna be rich! STIRRING WESTERN MUSIC Ha ha! "Come and get me!" "Come and get me! COME AND GET ME!" Hey, this could be it. There's a cave entrance. Come on. Come on, let's go. DUKE: Ooh! Oh, look at this! I can't believe it. WATER TRICKLES Come on. Listen. Come on. Where's the stuff? Get it. Get it out. PHIL: Where do we go now? I'll bet that was on the missing corner of the map. What's the matter, Duke? You see something? Quiet. My daddy was in this cave. How can you tell? I just can. We could always tell when our dad had been in the bathroom before us. There are a lot of passageways. Let's split up and each take one. Alone? I'll take this one. Hey, Mitch. Yeah? What if the cave is, like, booby trapped? And you go down the wrong passageway and you get your head chopped off, or a huge boulder comes rolling at you and just CRUSHES your head? Would you shut up? Stop it! Why did you have to say something like that? Look at this. There's three tunnels. What do we do now? OK. Glen, you take the one in the middle. I'll take this one. Phil, you take that. OK? (All breathe deeply) (Sings) # De de de de... # (Hums same tune) (Joins in) (Mitch, Glen and Phil hum) (All three sing together) Will you guys shut up? (Other three hum more quietly) (Chuckles) Don't do that now. No! Come on! Come on! Thank you. BATS SCREECH Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Whoa! CRASH! (Moans) SOUND OF METAL WHEELS TURNING Ah! AH! AAAAAAH! Aaaargh! Aaah! Aaah! DRAMATIC MUSIC (Screams) Phil! Did you find anything? Yeah, I found you. RUMBLING Can you hear something? Yeah. It sounds like a train. A train?! Hey, look! There's some tracks. Wow! Oh, man. Is something coming? I don't know. Here's how you tell. What are you doing? I'm listening for vibrations. Oh! Yeah. Something's coming. Oh. And it's definitely coming from that direction. Aaah! Aaah! AAAAAH! Oh! AAAAH! Aaaaah! That was Mitch. AAAAH! (Groans) Mitch, are you OK? Mitch! I'm all right. Where are you? Follow the tracks. Got it! (Groans) Helloooo. (Groans) (Whispers) I found it! I found it! I FOUND IT! Guys! I found the gold! (Mimics Walter Huston) I found the gold. It's mine, I tell you. It's all my gold. We don't have to tell anyone. I FOUND THE GOLD! Yaaahooo! Mitch! Down here! Mitch! Mitch! Where is it? Where is it? You found it? I FOUND THE GOLD! Let me see it! Can I just say one thing? We're rich! We did it! We did it! What the hell is going on? Duke! We found it! We found the gold! Yahoo! You did? (All laugh) Over here, Duke. Holy shit! You found the gold?! Holy... ANGELIC CHOIR SINGS Stand back, boys. It is time for the Walter Huston dance. (Laughs) Hey, Duke! No more happy pirates! That's right! No more! Whoa! Oh, do you believe this guy?! Last night he wouldn't even hug me! See how money makes a difference? SHOUTING AND CHEERING CONTINUE Let's get the barrows and start loading this stuff up. Stop right there! Did you really think we'd let you take the gold? Thanks for doing the work. I don't believe this. How did you follow us? Never mind. It's our gold now. We can't leave any witnesses. Get him! Get him! Get the gun! Get the gun! Get the gun! Aaaargh! Oh! No! Mitch! GUNSHOT Glen! (Glen moans) MITCH: Glen! Glen! Glen! (Mumbles) It's better this way. It's better it's me instead of you. This way Barbara and the kids... Oh, Glen! (Sobs) Sorry I wasn't a good brother. No! No, I'm sorry. (Sobs) Don't worry. We'll get some help. Hold on, Glen. Just hold on. We'll get some help. SOMEBODY GET SOME HELP! GET SOME HELP! It's OK. You always helped me. You took me to the movies. MELANCHOLY MUSIC It's funny... It doesn't even hurt. Glen? (Sobs) Oh, no! (Sobs) You killed him! You son of a bitch! You killed my best friend's brother! You son of a bitch! You killed him! These aren't real bullets. These are blanks. BOTH: What?! You... Huh? These are blanks. Here. It's paint! What the hell is going on?! (Laughs) That's funny! Yeah, real funny! Hey, who's down there? What in the name of John Wayne's ass is going on in here? Clay Stone? From the cattle drive? Hey, I remember you two. What are you doing? Great buckets of bullshit! It's Curly, come back to life! I'm not Curly! I'm his brother, Duke. And who the hell are you? I'm Clay Stone. Hell, I've been looking for you for months. What did you do to my boys? Your boys? MAN: What happened? We heard shots. MAN: Is everybody all right? Ira and Barry Shalowitz?! Mitch? Phil? What are you doing here? Aaaaaaaaagh! Oh, God! It's Curly! He's come back from the dead! He looks great. It's Duke. Curly's brother. Will somebody PLEASE tell me what the hell's going on here? Didn't Curly tell ya? NO! Hell, it was HIS idea! We take folks on a real western treasure hunt. Follow right in the steps of the old Washburn gang! We get these maps and we follow these clues... It's been exciting. It's really been great! Helluva lot better than those cattle drives! (Laughs) More fun! You don't have to watch where you step. Yeah, but...we actually FOUND it! Yes, and it belongs to us! What, that?! EVERYBODY finds that! Hell, that's just lead painted with gold just to make it a little bit more fun. (Clay Stone laughs) Take a look for yourself! (Clay Stone chuckles) Then, to get 'em an extra goose, I got the boys to pretend to rob 'em and shoot 'em with paint pellets. Scares the Evian out of 'em! (Laughs) Then there's no real treasure? (Laughs) Curly came here lots of times - he never found anything. He wrote to me - said we were gonna be rich. Don't know about being rich - you make a good living. He wanted you in on the action. As far as I'm concerned, you can have his share. That's what he meant? I believe so. You boys came up here thinking that this was real?! MELANCHOLY MUSIC Yeah. Unbelievable! Oh, my God! Unbelievable! (Laughs uncontrollably) * Are you ready? I'm wound. OK. Duke? Hi? I got it. We're Barry and Ira Shalowitz. Uh...we helped bury your brother. Oh? Well, maybe some day I can do the same for you. Well...it was nice meeting you. Huh! 'Bye. That's how you start a conversation? "We buried your brother"? I was flustered. It's impolite. Come on, let's get a cold beverage. Going somewhere? No, no, no, no. I'll take Clay's sons and show 'em where we left the horses. We'll help you. No, no, I can do it. You guys gotta go to Las Vegas. I don't gotta go nowhere. (Chuckles) What will you do, Duke? Work for Clay Stone? Come up here every week and find a fake treasure? (Laughs) No, thanks. What WILL you do? That gold...that gold is up here somewhere. Duke... No, it's up here somewhere! Oh, thanks for... for being Curly's last friend. It was my pleasure. OK, come on. Come on, baby. Oh... ..did Curly ever tell you what that one thing was? Yeah. He said that's what YOU have to figure out for yourself. Whoa! God! He was a real pain in the ass, wasn't he? GENTLE MUSIC About five minutes. Good. Well, how stupid do we feel? I don't feel that stupid. You're stupid. Nah, I'm confused. Why don't I feel worse? I don't know. Yeah. I mean, think about it for a second. How bad do you REALLY feel? (Laughs) I don't know! You know, not as bad as I should. Mm-hm! Yeah! I feel pretty good, actually! (Laughs) Why is that? Well, we had a great adventure, we weren't killed - which is always a feature I like... Yeah, and we found a box of lead! That's not how I look at it. You guys saved my life! YOU stepped in front of a bullet! YOU jumped on a guy who was ready to shoot me. They were blanks. You didn't know that! We didn't have any guided tour or boxed lunches. All we had was each other. And we made it! Me, my best friend... ..and my brother. We found the Washburn treasure! (All laugh) We did it! Whoo-hoo! We found that gold! Yeah! Philly-boy...you did great! Thanks. I'm really proud of you. LOUD EXPLOSION CABARET MUSIC Aaaaaaaagh! God, look at this town! Filled with desperate people. Why do you think they come here, Mitch? Well, the buffets are lovely. It's $3.95, all you can eat. No, they want to hit the jackpot, get rich. Listen, Duke, I feel bad for you, I really do. But could we talk about this another time? Maybe we could have a drink. My wife is coming from the airport right now. I told her everything and I've planned this fabulous evening of being yelled at... I understand. I...came back to tell you that I...that I know what this is. It's honesty. Integrity. Great. That's great. So...er...listen - thanks for scaring me and, um... ..maybe we could... Honesty. Gotcha! You know, Mitch, right down to the end... ..I was planning to cheat you and your friends. Oh? Yeah. Yeah. I was gonna find the gold, then I was gonna say I didn't find it, then after you guys had gone, I was gonna have it all, all to myself. Only... ..I couldn't do it. Of course you couldn't, 'cause it isn't up there. Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Curly was up there a million times. My mother didn't want either of us to find that treasure without the other. She wanted her boys to do something together. So she... ..she gave Curly the map. I... And... Wait a minute! ..she sent me the missing corner. There. Look at that. (Reads) "Hot on my trail - "reburied here 1909... "..L. Washburn." Did you draw this yourself? No. Is that what you did? No! Huh? You prankster! No. You scamp, you. You little ruffian. No, no, no! Forget it. I'm not going back there. I'm through hunting for buried treasure. What am I? One of the Little Rascals? Here! What do you think of that, Spanky? This is... It's got friends. EPIC MUSIC SWELLS "Come and get me, come and get me!" "Come and get me! Come and get me!" (Yells) "Come and get me! Come and get me! "COME AND GET ME!" Aaaagh! Supertext Subtitles Copyright 1996 Australian Caption Centre Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019