In the wake of the devastating Christchurch terror attack, what struck me most was how Australia, and the world, came together to wrap its collective arms around the city. As a Muslim comic, my stand-up friends all reached out to offer their love, solidarity and whatever help they could. So, tonight, we are all standing up for Christchurch with funds going to the Christchurch mayor's 'Our City, Our People' fund to assist the families and Muslim communities affected by the attack. So, I guess you're wondering, 'Who the hell are these funny mates?' Well, let's do this! Taking the stage to Stand-Up For Christchurch: (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Hello! Look at all you gorgeous people. Ladies and gentlemen, we are standing up for Christchurch. I am very proud to be here. And simply by having you here, you are standing up for Christchurch as well. Give yourselves a warm round of applause. (APPLAUSE) And while we are celebrating things, I recently gave up drinking. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Thank you. It was only for a week, but I appreciate your support. But I realised just in that week that I needed to come up with new ways to entertain myself when I went out with my friends, 'cause they would be drinking, right? And so I came up with little games. And I'd like to share them with you guys 'cause maybe you'd like to play them as well. The first one is called 'Called Pronunk-iate this' (LAUGHTER) Right? It's great. It's great fun. If you're at a dinner with your friends, you get a point for each word that you get the waiter to say, right? So, I was at Japanese with my mate, and I was like, 'Excuse me, um, what is 'idimim'? 'Idimim? Idimim?' And he goes, 'Um, do you mean 'edamame', sir?' And I was like, 'Thank you so much.' And what is 'berns'? 'Berns'. 'Berns?' He goes, 'Do you mean 'beans'? (LAUGHTER) I said, 'Thank you so much.' Then he turned to my friend and I looked over his shoulder and I'm like, 'Two-nil, motherf...' My friend won, though, 'cause my friend said this, kept a completely straight face but looked down at his menu, and he goes, 'Yes, I was just wondering, 'this soup, does it come with the 'shit take' mushrooms?' (LAUGHTER) 'The shit take mushrooms. Does this come with the shit take mushrooms?' 'Sir, do you mean 'shitake'? My friend was so great, 'cause instead of just saying, 'Oh, yeah. Sorry.' He said this. He goes, 'Oh, wow. 'When did they change that?' (LAUGHTER) And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'Tommy, that's a great game. 'But I don't go out with my friends very often. 'I'm more of a solo traveller. Have you got a game for me?' Yes. I do. It's called coffee for a coffee. Next time you go out and you order a takeaway coffee and they ask for your name, you give your name as a different type of coffee. (LAUGHTER) It's so much fun. Just the other week I walked into a cafe, met with a broad smile. And I said, 'Excuse me. I'd like a takeaway flat white, please.' The lady working behind the counter goes, 'No worries. Can I grab your name?' And I said, 'Sure. It's Latte.' She goes, 'Sorry?' I said, 'It's Latte.' And she goes, 'I'm so sorry. I thought you wanted a flat white.' And I said, 'No. I do.' She goes, 'Oh. OK, what's your name?' 'Latte.' (LAUGHTER) 'So, you want a flat white but your name is Latte.' 'Yes.' 'OK.' 'If you'd just like to wait over there, please, Mr Latte.' And then I walked over to where the barista was pouring up. And I just watched fun unfold in front of my eyes 'cause at one stage he goes, 'Clare! Latte.' Holds out a coffee. Lady comes walking towards him. I get up, intercept the coffee. The barista goes, 'I'm so sorry. That was for her.' And I said, 'Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said 'latte'.' And he goes, I said, 'Clare, latte.' And she goes, 'I'm Clare.' And I went, 'And I'm Latte.' (LAUGHTER) He snatches the coffee out of my hands and hands it to her and he goes, 'That is for Clare.' And I said, 'Why are you reading two names when you only have one coffee?' And he goes, 'This is very confusing.' And I said, 'I know.' Then he walked back, right, wasn't until he saw his dockets and he was like, '(MUMBLES) Ohh... I see... 'Right.' Made my coffee, didn't even read my name out. Just pushed it over in my direction. (CHUCKLES) And I walked over and I said, 'Oh, is this for Latte?' And he goes, 'Well, I'd have it now, but, you know, if you want.' And I went, 'Huh. Not bad for a barista. Pretty good joke.' I grabbed it, took it away. The real fun kicks in when you go back to that same cafe the next day because I walked in, same staff, this time no smiles. (LAUGHTER) Very different energy in the room. They walked around like, 'Grrr... Right. Yeah. OK.' Girl behind the counter, I walked up, said, 'Excuse me. I'd like a takeaway flat white, please.' She just goes, 'No worries. Can I grab a name for the order?' I said, 'Yeah. It's Latte.' She goes, 'No worries, Latte. 'In case we have a few more lattes today, can I grab your last name?' I said, 'Actually, Latte is my last name.' And she goes, 'Oh, and what's your first name?' And I said, 'Strong.' (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Ladies and gentlemen, we have an absolutely amazing night for you tonight. Please go wild for the man who put this all together - Nazeem Hussain! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Thank you very much. I'm very excited to be here. How crazy Channel Ten is broadcasting this thing. Uh, I've been on Channel Ten a bit. I did that show I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. I don't know if you saw that, pretty highbrow...show. I did that. I came out of that jungle, 46 days ` my life changed. I got on a train in Melbourne. As soon as I got on that train, some guy on the other end of the carriage, he saw me, he got really excited. And he stood up, packed carriage, and he goes, 'Hey! You're from the jungle!' (LAUGHTER) And the guy next to me had no idea what he was talking about. He was like, 'Whoa! That's racist.' It was a fun experience. I got to eat ostrich anus and goat testicles on that show. Don't judge me. I lost, like, 10.2kg. So it's a great diet if you're looking to lose a bit of weight. No, it was worse than prison, to be honest, eating all that stuff. At least in prison, you know, you get to eat normal food. You don't have to eat disgusting parts of animals. Like, at least in prison when you're eating anus, you know the guy's name, you know? (LAUGHTER) I used to try and get out of the trials by saying, 'Sorry, guys. I can't actually eat that anus. 'It's not halal.' But they actually hired a halal consultant who would just pop out from behind the bushes and go, 'Ah, actually, it is halal!' (LAUGHTER) What happened to the brotherhood, bro? It was weird, though. You know, when you're a little bit famous, people come up and say the weirdest things. I was taking around this family friend, some guy from Sri Lanka my mum made me show around Melbourne. I don't know him. He knows nothing about me. I was just pointing out stuff in the city. I was like, 'That's a tram. 'There's some clocks. There's a bogan.' Like, just... Anyway, some random, awkward fan just comes walking up to me and goes, 'Hi, Nazeem. I've been watching you for years.' And just walks off. And this guy was, like, 'What the bloody hell was that? 'Oh, that was ASIO.' (LAUGHTER) 'Our secret intelligence.' By the way, my mum is here tonight. Give it up for her. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) You can sit... I did not ask her to stand up and bow in a 360-degree motion. You can tell where I get my confidence from! (CHUCKLES) I'd like to start the show. Are you guys ready for your next act? (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Alright. Give it up for one of my best friends. He's also one of my body doubles, Matt Okine! Melbourne, what's good?! This is so exciting standing up for Christchurch. I'm very excited. I had my favourite bag of chips in the world in New Zealand actually, a couple of years ago, favourite bag of chips ever. Copper Kettle was the brand, Vintage Cheddar and Red Onion was the flavour. Oh... Kids these days don't know how good they've got it. Vintage Cheddar and Red Onion. When I was growing up, it was just cheese and onion chips. But what cheese? What onion? (LAUGHTER) Do you know what I mean? I was probably walking around eating Kraft singles and brown onion chips like a friggin' idiot! (LAUGHTER) Wh...what, lightly salted? What salt? Sea salt? Bath salt? Help me here! Love myself a potato, man. Love potatoes so much. That's why I gotta give props to the South Americans, the ancient Peruvians, the Incas, for first cultivating the potato and giving it to the rest of the world via a pretty horrific colonisation that still has terrible, lasting ramifications to this day, but if we're gonna look at silver linings... ..potatoes. (LAUGHTER) And... It's not an infallible ingredient, OK? I mean, chips, delicious. Hot chips with extra salt, even better. But potato salad? What is that shit? Honestly. What is that garbage?! Someone over there is shaking their head, 'Oh, no. I like potato salad.' Oh, really? Yeah? You like potato salad. OK. Here's a question. When was the last time you saw a potato salad that wasn't on special? (LAUGHTER) They don't exist. If you buy a full-price potato salad, you're a friggin' idiot. Honestly. OK. They've gone to refill the 'reduced to clear' gun. Calm down. OK? It'll be 66% off in no time. I mean, there's too many good forms of potato like roast potato and duck fat, you know? And then some terrible potato comes along like wedges. Wedges suck. Oh, don't boo me. I'll bash youse all outside! You've always got some munted friend who doesn't know the dipping order of sauces. They're like, 'Oh, sweet chilli and sour cream.' Well, there's a friggin' car crash. Cheers, bruz! (LAUGHTER) Gnocchi. Gnocchi sucks. (LAUGHTER AND MURMURING) 'Oh, nah! Not my nonna's...' (BLEEP) your nonna's... Your nonna's gnocchi sucks! They all suck! Stupid-arse gnocchi. Not even proud of being a potato. It's a wannabe pasta. It's pathetic. I'm offended by gnocchi. Offended. You know what gnocchi is? Gnocchi is potato in pasta blackface. That's what gnocchi... (LAUGHTER) It is. Wipe that shit off your face, gnocchi! (LAUGHTER) The potato I hate the most. THE MOST! Baked potatoes. AUDIENCE: Aww. Aww... Nuh! Nuh! Don't. Don't. I'll take you on the Frankston magic carpet, I swear to gosh. I'll take you out on the Frankston... You won't touch the ground. Baked potato. Stupid-arse baked potato. Who am I? Who am I? 'Ow! My back. My back.' That's my impersonation of bacon and sour cream doing all the heavy lifting on a baked potato. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Ow! Ooh! Must we carry all the flavour? Stupid-arse baked potato trying to sneak on to your plate. Just trying to get on there like, 'Oh, look at me, nothing to see here.' It's got a little bacon jacket on, a little sour cream hat. Little chives moustache. 'What? Me? No, I'm just a tasty potato.' Wipe all that shit off. No, you're not. You're a steamed potato, that's what you are. Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Matt Okine. Thank you so much for having me at Stand-Up For Christchurch. See you next time. Cheers. NAZEEM: Matt Okine! I had to do a Bible reading at a wedding recently. This next reading is from... ..Ecclesiastes. Oh, shit drag name. The vet said, 'He's gonna get diabetes.' I said, 'So?' He said, 'You'll have to give him insulin every day.' I said, 'I won't have to.' Hi, it's Urzila Carlson. I'm coming out soon, real soon. And I'm standing up for Christchurch. You should donate. Do it now. * Alright, ladies and gentlemen, I'm here with Urzila Carlson. Thanks so much for doing this. You're welcome, Naz. I'm not doing it for you - I'm doing it for your sister. 'Cause I'm her favourite comedian. (LAUGHTER) (CHUCKLES) That was a funny joke. I'm actually... No. No, I'm definitely her favourite com... No, no, I am her favourite comedian. That's not true. Yeah, so I'm doing it for your sister - this is for Azmeena - and, uh, for the people of New Zealand, especially Christchurch, and then for the people of Australia. And I want to teach you one word, and it's called 'aroha', which means 'love', 'cause that's what they're showing today. Oh. Well I 'aroha' you. I 'aroha' your sister. Alright, get out there, Urzila. Give it up for one of my best mates - Urzila Carlson! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) It's so nice to be here tonight. I want to talk to you about something very important, something that affects us all, something that I know we hold close to the heart - thongs. (LAUGHTER) Jandals. (SCATTERED CHEERING) Flip-flops. Plakkies. (LAUGHTER) That's what we call them in South Africa. You know what? We will never have world peace... ..unless we can come up with a name for these shoes. (LAUGHTER) No two countries share a name. You can get on a plane, travel to another country, go, 'Excuse me, what do you call those summer shoes, 'you know, that go in the toe...' And they go, 'Oh, you're talking... (HIGH VOICE) ..too-too!' (LAUGHTER) We just accept that shit! We don't even question it. We go, 'Yes. Can I get a pair of... (HIGH VOICE) ..too-too?' (LAUGHTER) Now, fun fact - I... 'Cause I grew up in South Africa and I grew up on a game farm, I never had a pair of these things, because it's not safe - we have scorpions, we have snakes, so my mum wouldn't let us wear it. So, as soon as I moved to New Zealand in my mid-30s, I got my first pair. The problem is, they don't come with instructions. (LAUGHTER) And the thing is, they should. (LAUGHTER) As you walk out of the shop, no-one goes, 'Excuse me, have you used those before?' (LAUGHTER) You go, 'No, I haven't.' Come here. Sit down. Just so you know, if a drop of moisture... ..gets on the inside of that shoe... (LAUGHTER) ..you're dead. (LAUGHTER) Oh, and if a drop of moisture gets on the outside of that shoe... (LAUGHTER) ..you're dead. (LAUGHTER) Oh, and if you think, in a thunderstorm, you can run from the car park... (LAUGHTER) ..into the mall, where they've tiled it... (LAUGHTER) ..you're dead. (LAUGHTER) And just so you know, if the moistures combine - like, the moisture inside of the shoe and moisture outside of the shoe... ..never in history have the wearer of these death booties... (LAUGHTER) ..and the actual death booties skidded in the same direction. You're gonna run in the mall, the death bootie's gonna go one way and the wearer will go the other way, and you're gonna do the full splits in the mall whether you're physically prepared for it or not. (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) And then, just as you're about to leave, they go, 'Oh, and before you go, just so you know, 'you can only walk one direction.' (LAUGHTER) In those shoes. You think you want to take a step to the side... ..you're dead. (LAUGHTER) Oh, you want to take a step back in them? My uncle tried that. He's dead. (LAUGHTER) Those shoes are so fucked! You wear them, and then someone talks to me back there, I go, 'No, I'm coming!' (LAUGHTER) They're too complex! I can't nail them. I'll tell you a little fun fact. My wife lives... Um, well, lived - now she lives with me in my house, 'cause that's how it works. (LAUGHTER) No, my wife's from a small town in the middle of the North Island of New Zealand, called Feilding. Um, they're sheep farmers there, uh, and it's not a buzzing metropolis. It's not as exciting as I'm making it sound, you know. (LAUGHTER) Like, you go there - nothing happens every half an hour and it lasts for roughly an hour. (LAUGHTER) So, we took our kids to have a look around, and, um, we were done in about a minute. (LAUGHTER) So, I'm strapping my one-year-old back into his car seat, 'cause I'm a responsible parent. I strapped him in, and I forget that I'm wearing these death booties... (LAUGHTER) ..and I take a step to the side, and I start falling over. But you know when you fall over so slowly you have time to walk it out? (LAUGHTER) Do you know when you go, 'Oh, shit - I'm falling. 'Walk it out! Walk it out!' So, I'm walking it out, and my... I'm falling so slowly, my wife has time to walk around the car, look at me, and go, 'What are you doing?' (LAUGHTER) I said, 'I'm falling over!' (LAUGHTER) So she takes out her phone and takes photos of me. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) She then sends it to all 10,000 of our WhatsApp groups, you know? 'Cause you have to have several of those, 'cause you've got some groups that you have to take out Aunty Andrea, 'cause she's a bit loose and we have to talk shit about her. (LAUGHTER) So, she sends it to everyone we know - all her friends, all our family and stuff. And it happened. I realised that day - and you don't know when it's gonna happen to you - but I'm officially at the age-weight ratio where I no longer fall over. I had a fall. (LAUGHTER) Everyone started sending me messages, going, 'Are you alright? I believe you had a fall today.' I go, 'No! I was wearing my death booties!' You guys have been amazing. Thank you so much! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) NAZEEM: Urzila Carlson! Alright, this next guy, he's an Englishman hiding here in Australia until they sort Brexit out. Give it up for Mark Watson! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Ah, thank you very much. Um...this is a great event. I think it's really important that a city like Melbourne rallies and does something like this. I love Melbourne, but sometimes there is this stereotype that Melbourne is a bit, you know, smug, full of food snobs, that kind of thing. And sometimes` you know, help yourself. There's no other city where, in a gig this size, the first act is mostly about gnocchi. (LAUGHTER) Unbelievable. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) I'm British. I don't... I've been in Melbourne a lot, but I'm still getting used to the culture here. If you... In Britain, if you went out and did your whole set about types of pasta you didn't like, people would be like, 'Come on, mate. You can't get away with that.' (LAUGHTER) In Melbourne, people are like, 'At last, someone takes down gnocchi!' (LAUGHTER) Also, I just love how relaxed people are here. I mean, it's a stereotype, isn't it? But it is true. The amount of swearing you can get away with here. For this, we were told, like, 'This is a charity gig. 'It will go on TV, so you can maybe swear a little bit, 'if the swear is directly relevant to the line. 'You know, if you really need it for the joke.' Someone comes out - 'How fucked are baked potatoes?' (LAUGHTER) Alright. So it's not as tightly policed as it might be, then. (LAUGHTER) We've got our own snobbery in the UK. Obviously. We're famous for it. And especially food and... especially wine. I'm nearly 40, and a lot of my friendships are just now other people with kids... I've got kids, you hang out with other people that have got kids. This guy is a wine...a connoisseur. He's an expert. He's a collec... He collects fine wines. This guy goes to places like California, just to bring back wine - that's the grade of arsehole we're dealing with here. So... (LAUGHTER) How can you tell someone that you just want to drink his wine, you don't want to talk about it? It's not polite! When someone like that goes, 'What can you taste most? 'Is it the little bit of lemon, or the summer berries, or the bit... '..that vanilla that comes in right at the end?' you're not meant to say, 'Mate, what I can taste most 'is just my problems sliding out of focus for a little while.' (LAUGHTER) Also, this thing of, like, 'right at the very end' - 'Oh, a bit of vanilla comes in right at the...' What do you mean, 'right at the very end'? It's a glass of wine, not the fucking Lord Of The Rings trilogy. I... (LAUGHTER) If you think a glass of wine has got a beginning, middle and end, you're grossly overestimating how long it's spending in my mouth, mate. (LAUGHTER) Thanks for listening to me. And well done for supporting this enormously important cause. My name's Mark Watson. Thank you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) None of these other comedians donated, but I did, because they're tight-arses and I'm a better person than them. You too can be better by standing up for Christchurch and donating as well. But I think I've figured out the main difference between humans and animals. It's eyebrows. (LAUGHTER) We're renovating a house at the moment. Um, it's not ours - the neighbours are away and we thought, 'Why not?' (LAUGHTER) * NAZEEM: What can I say about him that he hasn't already said about himself? Ladies and gentlemen, go crazy for Joel Creasey! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) How's it going? What a pleasure it is to be here today and to perform for you. Give yourselves a round of applause as well for coming out and supporting. (APPLAUSE) I've done a lot of weird gigs recently. I got asked to host a communion not very long ago. Can you imagine me hosting a communion? I was like, 'Sure.' I was like, 'I guess I do have the same initials as a certain somebody.' (LAUGHTER) That's Jesus Christ, if you weren't aware. She and I have the same initials. I was on a panel show in England recently and I made that joke. I was like, 'Oh, I guess I do have the same initials as a certain somebody, hmm...' Studio audience didn't laugh and... not a laugh. And then someone in the crowd yelled out, 'Yeah, 'cause we don't know who the hell you are.' (LAUGHTER) It was my manager. She sits backstage now. I get asked to host a lot of weddings. Gay men will know. Gay men always get asked to host a lot of weddings. And then when you're a gay man that talks for a living, everybody asks me to host their wedding. I always get asked to host weddings. And in my mind, I was like, 'I wasn't even planning on attending.' But... (LAUGHTER) ..coming out of my mouth, I'm like, 'Absolutely, Sarah. I can't wait. Where are the Bible readings?' She was like, 'I'll get them now.' I was like, 'I'm kidding.' (LAUGHTER) I had to do a Bible reading at a wedding recently. I was like, 'Oh, I don't know.' I was reading it out, 'This next reading is from...Ecclesiastes. 'Oh, shit drag name.' Nobody laughed. (LAUGHTER) I'm talking about heterosexual weddings as well. Can you remember those? Urgh! Remember when heteros got to do weddings all on their own? Sad. I... And every heterosexual wedding... There is a giveaway at every heterosexual wedding. And 2019 has this one thing, and you're like, 'Oh, it's a hetero wedding,' a doughnut wall. Every... What is with you heteros loving doughnut walls? You're obsessed with doughnut walls. I don't want a doughnut that's been sitting on a wall all day, right? Every first dance is John Legend. (LAUGHTER) I hosted a wedding recently for my girlfriend, and she's lovely, and it was a pleasure to do. And her partner is American. And just before... and his family were there too. And just before the wedding, she comes up to me, she goes, 'Oh, I forgot to mention...' She was talking about her groom. 'His family, they're massive Trump supporters. Don't say anything. 'Anyway, have fun.' And... (LAUGHTER) I was like, 'Don't tell me that before putting a microphone in my hand. I can't help myself.' I opened by saying, 'I've got the same haircut as Hillary, are you triggered?' (LAUGHTER) Don't get asked to do a whole lot of voiceover work. You're shocked, aren't you, with this beautiful twang? I grew up in Perth, and one of my first jobs was working as a street team for a radio station. So, I was one of those people that would drive around and hand out free shit. So, you'd hear me on the radio being like, 'Hey, it's Joel on the street team down here at Garden City shopping centre 'handing out ice-cold cans of Coke.' And then my boss at the radio station was like, 'Can you sound a bit less gay?' 'Oh. I'll give it a crack.' (ROUGH VOICE) 'G'day! It's Joel on the street team. 'I'm down here at Garden City shopping centre handing out ice-cold...' They were like, 'No. Now you just sound like Bindi Irwin.' (LAUGHTER) Oh my God. By the way, if you're blonde and Australian and overseas, and can't get into a cool bar or a cool restaurant, say you're an Irwin. Oh, my gosh, the doors that will open for you. I'll be turned away from a cool nightclub and seconds later, I'll go back to that same bouncer and be like, 'Actually, I'm Bob Irwin.' And they'll go, 'Oh, absolutely. Come in.' 'Thank you, I think I'll have an espresso martini on the house for my troubles. 'Let me know when Bindi gets here. I'll be in the smokers'...' I was asked to be a guest host of Play School. That was a gig that I was really keen to do, 'cause I thought it would be hilarious for material. And I said yes, and, you know, Play School, kids' show on ABC. Did the chat with the producers, went for about half an hour. Thought it went well. Hung up the phone. And then two minutes later, my manager got an email saying, 'We don't think Joel's right for that role.' I guess they figured 'There's a bear in there' has a different connotation when I say it. (LAUGHTER) 'And a chair as well.' 'Careful, it's got a hole in the bottom. 'You might get a little surprise.' (LAUGHTER) 'Open wide...' You finish that. Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Joel Creasey. Goodnight. Thank you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Alright. She's a comedian rising so fast ` go crazy for Steph Tisdell! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Hello. Hello. How are you all doing? It's great to be here. It's very nice to be here. I'm a very proud Indigenous woman. Do we have any... Stop it! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) That's rare. (LAUGHTER) Do we have any black fellas in today? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo! One. Ah, yes. (LAUGHS) Oh, it's so great to be here. I've noticed, right, I think the government treats black fellas in Australia much like you would, like, your finest set of silverware. Right? Like, usually, lock it up... (AWKWARD LAUGHTER) ...but on very special occasions, especially if you've got international visitors, show it off! (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) It is obviously a special occasion today, so... (LAUGHS) No. It's so great you guys came out. You should be really, really proud of yourselves. It's an amazing thing that we're doing today. I was just sitting today and having a really long think, right? I think sometimes we compare ourselves to animals a lot. You know, we go, 'Well, animals wouldn't do this,' or that sort of thing, right? But I think I've figured out what the main difference between humans and animals is. I think I've figured it out. It's eyebrows. (LAUGHTER) I just think... I think the world would be very different if animals had eyebrows. I was thinking, like, can you imagine driving along the highway or something, right? And there's a bird coming towards your windscreen. But it looks at you and it's like... (LAUGHTER) That would make that whole ordeal very different. It's like I thought as well, I'm terrified of snakes. I don't like snakes, not a fan. But, like, if it was wintertime and I saw a snake outside and it looked at me like... I'd be like, 'It's cold out. Come inside.' (LAUGHTER) It's weird - I don't really know where this comes from, but I only seem to date white men. I think it's because I'm scared that I'm related to a lot of black men. Which is less funny and more sad that I don't know as much about my culture, but whatever. I just... I notice that I date a lot of white men, and I kind of love that I can be like, 'Yes. We're in an interracial relationship.' 'Cause it sounds fancy, doesn't it? Like, 'I'm in an interracial relationship.' It's a lot of syllables. It's very exciting. (LAUGHTER) But, like, my boyfriend is also very tall and thin. So we're also in an interspatial relationship. (LAUGHTER) Take up different spaces. Last year for a treat, I took him to Antarctica. We went hiking on some,... you know, ice. Went hiking on some ice, and we went and had a spa. You wouldn't believe it. It was crazy. Then we were an interracial, spatial, facial, glacial couple. (LAUGHTER) Thank you so much, Melbourne. See youse later. Give it up for Steph Tisdell! Comedy in America, comedy in China, it's very similar. You know, like, in America, you can make fun of the American Government. In China, you can make fun of the American Government. It's the same! I have three boys - 16, 14 and 10. I know. I know, celebrity names. I'm about to hit the stage to do my part for supporting Christchurch. You can do yours in a financial way. Please donate now. * NAZEEM: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Cal Wilson! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello. I'm so thrilled to be here, to be part of this. It means such a lot to me to be part of this. I'm so thrilled. I also have to say I'm actually just excited to be not at home. 'Cause we're renovating our house at the moment. It's not ours. The neighbours are away and we thought, 'Why not?' I've also just come back. I did a gig in Darwin and I don't know if anyone has been to Darwin. Darwin is quite rugged. The day we were there, there was a story in the local paper that there was a house for sale, but if you bought the house, you also had to buy the crocodile that lived in the garden pond. It blew my mind - I got on stage that night and was, like, 'Darwin, does anyone here have a pet crocodile?' A woman puts her hand up, she goes, 'I do.' And she went home and got it. (LAUGHTER) She comes back to the gig with this crocodile, it's about that big, it's got a little rubber band around its snout so it can't bite us and the best thing about it was she'd called it Louis Vuitton. (LAUGHS) I was, like, that's brilliant. You wouldn't even need to kill it. You could just get a little harness with a handle on the back, teach it to hold a credit card in its mouth, pop a lipstick up the other end - you'd be sorted! Oh, so good. I've been with my husband for 15 years, and what I've realised is there are still new things to learn about him, and the thing I've finally realised about my husband is he doesn't need to debrief. He does not need to discuss an experience after he's had an experience. To him, he's had the experience and that is the whole of the experience. To me, that is half the experience. Like, if we come home from a party, he doesn't need to talk about the party after the party. That's the best part of the party. The best part of the party is when you're on the way home in the car and you're saying stuff like, 'Oh, my God, did you see Dave's face 'when he accidentally ate that dog biscuit?' Or, 'Oh, I can't believe they've called their daughter Shevanthony!' It's the best part! It's the best part. He does not even need to talk about a movie after we've seen a movie. Like, I'll all about the 'Didn't you love that scene when the clouds were dissolving and it was like their relationship coming apart?' And he's just, like, 'I just saw some people doing a thing.' So the way I combat him not wanting to talk about the movie after the movie is I talk to him about the movie during the movie. We have to watch all of our films at home now. He won't take me out. I'm a total cat lady, and I realise that I'm a cat lady. Whoo! Oh, that's nice. A cat person whooped! They don't like to put their hands up. Because then you'll see the scratches on their arms. (LAUGHTER) But what I've worked out as a cat lady is that it's socially acceptable for people to say that they don't like cats, but it's not socially acceptable to say that you don't like dogs. Like, if I said, 'I hate cats' there'd be at least 12 people who went, 'Oh, yeah. Cats are arseholes.' But if I went, 'I hate dogs' everyone would be, like, 'Oh, well, there's an arsehole here and it's not the dog.' (LAUGHTER) And the thing is I don't hate dogs. I'm just a bit weary of them. I find them a bit much. I like them as a theory but I don't like them in person. They're just a little bit too 'extra' for me. I think it's 'cause I was bitten as a kid, not by a dog, but it really put me off teeth. Er, but what I've realised is, like, I will watch dog videos for hours. I love a dog on video. If you took the animal videos off YouTube, the internet would be seven minutes long. It would just be porn and how to fold a fitted sheet. That's all it would be. But I've realised that because I'm a cat lady, I don't know how to pat a dog properly. I don't know how to do it. I know how to pat a cat. You just follow the grain and then you stop 30 seconds too late. I realised I don't know how to pat a dog properly. I don't know how hard you're supposed to pat it for the pat to travel through the fur to reach the dog. I don't know whether you're supposed to beat it like a carpet or crank its tail. I don't know! I said this at my show the other night and a guy in the front row just went, 'Oh, for fuck's sake! You do this.' And he just patted his friend. (LAUGHTER) And he was really getting stuck in, kind of scruffling it, and I was, like, 'Oh, I see what you mean. 'Can I have a go?' And so I reached to him 'cause the guy doing the patting goes, 'Yeah, yeah, sure. Go for your life.' As I reached down off stage, I'm patting the man in the audience and I'm, like, 'I've got the hang of it. I know what to do. 'You just kind of scruffle it.' I genuinely felt like I'd learnt a new life skill. I was so excited. And then after the gig, the guy that I'd patted came up to me and went, 'Um, I just thought I should introduce myself to you now that you've patted me.' And I was, like, 'I don't need to know your name to know that you're a GOOD BOY!' (LAUGHTER) Thank you so much. I love you, Christchurch! Give it up for Cal Wilson! Get ready to turn the TV down a bit. It's Des Bishop! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Thank you. Thank you. My name's Des. I'm from New York. Spent most of my life in Ireland. And I do comedy in Mandarin Chinese. Any Chinese people here? (AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS) (SPEAKS MANDARIN) (CONTINUES SPEAKING MANDARIN) Oh, you can't speak Chinese? That's no problem. (LAUGHTER) Neither can the rest of these people. They are not prepared for the future like I am. (LAUGHTER) I feel like a round of applause nearly happened there and then people went, 'Actually, this is not good news.' (LAUGHS) So, people say...people wonder why I can do comedy in Chinese. Well, actually, I moved to Beijing in 2013, I was making a TV show and the mission was arrive in Beijing without a word of Chinese and then a year later, do stand-up in Mandarin for a Chinese audience in China. People thought I was crazy. They were, like, 'Why China? 'You can't say anything there with the censorship.' But actually, it's not as different you think. You know, like, say, comedy in America, comedy in China, it's very similar. You know, in America, you can make fun of the American Government. In China, you can make fun of the American Government. It's the same! (SPEAKS MANDARIN) So I had to do all these challenges to help me learn the language. So one of the things I did was I got a job for a month in a Chinese restaurant. You don't have to call it a Chinese restaurant there. It's just a restaurant. But, so you know, I was in a family-run restaurant in Heilongjiang. And I was a yingbinyuan. Right, so that's a welcomer, right. Customers walk in and I would shout as loud as possible, 'Huanying guanglin!' Which means, 'You're very welcome.' It's not like a host. It's not like, 'How many people in your party?' Because there's only one party in China. It's more like a shouter, you know? Like, every day, 'Huanying guanglin!' And of course I was terrible at it 'cause every day I'd be, like, 'Huanying guanglin!' And the customers would be, like, 'Whoa! 'Oh, your Chinese is so good!' And I'd be, like, 'Then why are you speaking English?' I would've thought if my Chinese was good, you would've spoken Chinese. But they love it when a white guy can speak Chinese. Like, you could learn 'Ni Hao' off Dora the Explorer, go to Beijing tomorrow and be, like, 'Ni Hao!' And they'd be, like, 'Whoa! Oh, your Chinese is so good!' Which makes me feel terrible 'cause we don't give a crap when they speak English. I could be on Little Bourke Street tomorrow, Chinese person come up to me, like, 'Excuse me. Where tram?' I'm never, like, 'Whoa! Oh, your English is so good! Whoa!' (SPEAKS MANDARIN) No. I'm just, like, 'It's over there.' (LAUGHTER) 'And you're missing a verb.' (LAUGHTER) Not 'cause I'm an arsehole. Not 'cause I'm an arsehole, by the way. That's the Chinese way. You know that. They're very direct, you know. The Chinese people, they're not worried about offending you in China. It's just, like, if it's in their head, it's coming out of their mouth, you know? Like, if you're fat in China, they'll just be, like, 'Oh, you're so fat!' And if you get offended, they'd be, like, 'Well, don't be fat. I don't understand... 'You know you made yourself fat, right, you know?' It's great. Speaking Chinese is great. You know, people always ask me, 'Are they talking about us?' That's all white people always wanna know. 'Are they talking about us?' And they are. They call us 'Laowai'. In China, white people are Laowai. It's not a negative term. It just means 'foreigner', right. It just means you're not from here, you're a Laowai. But then they immigrate to Australia, they immigrate to the United States and they still call us Laowai. I'll be ordering some dumplings, one of them will go, 'Oh, those dumplings are for the Laowai.' And I'll be, like, 'Hey, we're in America. You're the Laowai! And they'd be, like... (LAUGHS HEARTILY). 'We're the Laowai! 'Whoa! 'Your Chinese is so good! Whoa! Whoa!' So it's a real story. You can google it. I did that job for a full month up in Heilongjiang. Every day, 'Huanying guanglin!' Every day I did that job. And three weeks into it, I had an amazing cultural experience. These two drunken Chinese guys walked in. I did my best 'Huanying guanglin!' And one of them, really loudly, in front of the whole restaurant, goes... (IMITATES OWN ACCENT) ...and does a shit version of my shit Chinese. (LAUGHTER) I was, like, 'Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a minute, buddy. 'You cannot 'Huanying guanglin!' me. 'I'm the only white guy in this tiny Chinese city of 1.3 million people. 'Yeah. You cannot 'Huanying guanglin!' me! That's racist!' Yeah, 'cause if I was in New York or Melbourne and I walked into the Chinese restaurant and the welcomer was like, 'Oh, you're very welcome!' And I went, '(SILLY VOICE) Oh, you're very welcome! 'Welcome to our westauwant. You want a fwied wice?' (LAUGHTER) 'I'd be arrested! So don't 'Huanying guanglin!' me, motherf...! 'I tell you right now, buddy, you're lucky I'm a comedian ''cause I would've been upset except the minute that you said that, 'I couldn't help but think this story's gonna rip it 'when I take it to Melbourne in 2019!' So thanks to him and thanks to you guys. Xiexie! Xiexie! Des Bishop, ladies and gentlemen! And coming up... I've only got five minutes, so I'd just like to start by getting everyone's name, if I could. (LAUGHTER) Do you know what gluten is? It's so simple. Technically, gluten is the protein which makes food edible. (LAUGHTER) I'm gonna have one side of my face have laser skin resurfacing, and the other side, L'Oreal Revitalift Laser Cream, and we'll see if the results compare. I actually feel my skin looks much, much better than it did four weeks ago on both sides. You can get similar results without the pain. Revitalift Laser from L'Oreal Paris. * As mayor of Christchurch, I would like to thank Nazeem and all the comics for appearing tonight and showing your solidarity and support for the people of Christchurch, and in particular, our Muslim communities who have been the subject of such a terrible attack on March 15 this year. After the attack occurred, I asked the Christchurch Foundation if they would establish a special fund, Our People, Our City. And that is designed not just for the short-term needs of this community, but also for the long-term needs. We're in this for the long haul. We are gonna stand shoulder to shoulder with our communities, and tonight, you are standing shoulder to shoulder with them as well. So thank you on their behalf for all the support that you are showing tonight. (APPLAUSE) He's an American who's bigger in Australia than McDonald's! Arj Barker! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you very much. Thank you, Nazeem. What a lovely group of people. I just wanna say I'm so thankful to be part of this night. And I was so happy when Nazeem called me up. He said, 'Will you come down and do the benefit?' I said, 'Of course!' I said, 'Where am I gonna stay?' He said, 'We'll get you a room.' He's so generous! They got me a room at a hotel at the casino. He's putting me up at the casino! He didn't have to do that. And you know what, it's not Nazeem's responsibility to know that I have a slight gambling issue. (LAUGHTER) That's my problem. OK? It's about knowing yourself. So when I go play poker, I only bring $100 to gamble with 'cause I know I could afford to lose that. And I bring $25 for food, in case I get hungry. And $800 for bus fare. (LAUGHTER) In case I have to go home a couple of hundred times. I got married just about a year ago. Thank you very much! One year, thank you! (APPLAUSE) Yeah. It's OK. I had a good life! (LAUGHTER) I mean, it's going OK. And I think marriage counselling is kind of fun, actually. I'm not embarrassed to tell you that because it's a privilege that we can sit there, you know, 'cause we're trying to work through a couple of things, we wanna make it better and better - to sit there, with my wife, and have another person there and you can just be completely honest with your partner, and have that third person in the room who pretends to be neutral. (LAUGHTER) 'Cause no human being is truly neutral. But a good therapist, it's hard to tell, you gotta be able to read 'em. Otherwise you'll never know who won the session. (LAUGHTER) My wife's incredible. She knows a lot about nutrition, to the point where I said, 'That's your department. I'm not even getting involved.' One day, she came home, she said, 'No more gluten! We're not eating gluten anymore.' I didn't question. I said, 'OK, here we go!' And now we're nearly six weeks gluten-free. Six weeks. And if anybody here tonight is even considering quitting eating gluten for any reason at all, I wanna tell you something... It's really not that bad. It isn't! In fact, the only thing that I really miss is happiness. (LAUGHTER) But other than that, I haven't really noticed. Do you know what gluten is? It's so simple, technically, gluten is the protein which makes food edible. (LAUGHTER) And gluten is primarily found in every fucking thing. That's not entirely true and since I've become a bit of an expert, I don't mind enlightening you - the main foods which do not contain gluten, in order, are apples... So it's not that bad. (LAUGHTER) There's like 37 species of apple, so... I know that a lot of you are from Melbourne, and I wouldn't normally come out here and say this, 'cause I'm not trying to pick favourites but I have toured right around this country and I'm gonna say it - I'm gonna say it on TV - I think Melbourne's the best city. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And I think when your roads are finished... (LAUGHTER) ..I think it's gonna be the ultimate city. And I don't think it's very far away either, 'cause they were working on them 25 years ago when I first came out. So it should be any day now. And it may or not be good news to know that I do that joke in every city I go to! (LAUGHTER) 'Cause that's a universal problem! You just wanna go from point A to point B but suddenly, you're not going nowhere! You're just sitting there, in the middle of the road, and I would say it doesn't get any worse but it does. 'Cause then they lie. They put a big orange sign and they lie right to your face. It says something like, 'Road work'. Well, I'm sitting in my car, thinking, 'Well, clearly road NOT work.' (LAUGHTER) And since we're on the subject, 'Man not work either.' 'Man do fuck-all.' 'Man smoke cigarette, lean on shovel, stare at hole.' (APPLAUSE) Thank you very much, everybody. Enjoy the rest of the show. Goodnight! Arj Barker! Now, this next guy sits next to me on the desk every night on The Project - it's Peter Helliar! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Thank you! Thank you very much. That was a lovely introduction, Waleed. Thank you very... I appreciate that. (LAUGHTER) Thanks...thanks, buddy. There's something we need to talk about. Yep. Great to be here. This is amazing. This is what comedy does. We can unify through comedy. You guys are here 'cause you want to send your love to Christchurch and because you have FOMO. Let's face it, you have FOMO - the fear of missing out. I don't have FOMO. I've been married for 16 years. I don't have FOMO. My wife doesn't have FOMO. We have the opposite. We have FOBI. Yep. We have the fear of being invited. (LAUGHTER) Do you ever get a wedding invitation and wish it was a gas bill? (LAUGHTER) That's... That's where I'm at. We have an election coming up - May 16 or 18 or whatever it... I can feel the excitement in the room, um... We're gonna have a new prime minister. That's what we do in Australia, probably. We have a very Marie Kondo attitude towards our leaders, don't we? (LAUGHTER) Just out, and out, and out, and zing! Um... (LAUGHTER) Even St Vinnies are going, 'Enough! 'Stop throwing out your prime ministers!' 'They're all damaged! They've all got leaks!' (LAUGHTER) Do you know how confusing our political landscape is right now? This is true. Ambos have stopped asking people they suspect of having a concussion who the Prime Minister of Australia is. (LAUGHTER) That is true. It used to be, 'OK, Karen? Karen? 'Who is the Prime Minister of Australia?' And Karen would be like, 'Uh...John Howard.' 'Yeah, you're OK. You're OK.' Now it's like, 'Karen? Karen? 'Who's the Prime Minister of Australia?' 'Uh...I...I don't know.' 'That's the right answer. That is the right answer. She's OK. She's OK.' I, uh... I have three boys - um, 16, 14 and 10. I know, I know. Celebrity names. Um... (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) And, uh, they're great. You know, I'm getting older. You know, I know I'm getting older because, you know, the technology, the screen time - I don't know how to deal with it. People ask me, 'Oh, what do you do about screen time? 'How much screen time should the kids have?' I don't...I'm the worst to ask. This is what I said to my kids recently. They... Three boys, all on their iPads. This is exactly what I said, verbatim - 'OK, boys, come on, get off your iPads - go watch some TV.' I said that. (LAUGHTER) That's what I said. Kids always have the right to give their dad shit about being bad at technology. I always did. I always did. Like, 'Look at Dad! Look at Dad! He can't set the VCR! Dickhead Dad!' (LAUGHTER) 'Look at Dickhead Dad! 'He can't get the computer paper onto the printer! Dickhead Dad!' (LAUGHTER) Now I've got three kids, I'M the Dickhead Dad, and the only thing that's changed is the technology. 'Look at Dickhead Dad! 'Look at Dickhead Dad over there - can't get from Apple TV to Netflix! 'Dickhead Dad!' (LAUGHTER) 'Look at Dickhead Dad! He's locked himself in the smart fridge again! 'Dickhead Dad!' (LAUGHTER) But it's gonna get worse - there's gonna be flying cars soon. 'Oh, look at Dickhead Dad! 'You've gotta put it in 'flight', you dickhead!' (LAUGHTER) 'He's trying to reverse-park the bloody caravan! 'It's a hologram, you dickhead! (LAUGHTER) I, uh... A co-worker recently had a baby at work and I told my wife, told her its name - said, 'Oh, the name's Toby.' She said, 'How much did it weigh?' I said, 'I don't know.' She got mad - 'Well, how could you not ask what a baby weighs?' I said, 'It's a baby! I'm not fat-shaming a baby!' (LAUGHTER) I only want to know what a baby weighs if it's an abnormal weight. 'So, what did the baby weigh?' '64 kilos.' 'Shit!' (LAUGHTER) I, um... My mum used to always say... She used to always describe childbirth like this. 'Childbirth is really painful,' she said. 'It's like squeezing a watermelon through a hole 'the size of a lemon.' And I've heard other women say that. Do we need this? Like, who didn't understand? Why couldn't they just say, 'Childbirth is really painful. 'It's like squeezing a human baby out of a vagina.' (LAUGHTER) Like, who...who was...? That sounds really painful. I don't have a vagina - that sounds painful. I would rather be Barnaby Joyce's memory foam in his mattress than actually give birth to a baby, seriously. (GROANING LAUGHTER) That sounds awful. Why... Why did we need to reduce the miracle of birth to a fruit-based analogy? Were there fruit grocers at the time saying, 'I don't understand - can you put it in my terms?' (LAUGHTER) 'It's like getting a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon.' 'Oh, shit!' Were there butchers going, 'Our point of reference, please?' 'It's like getting a leg of ham through a chicken fillet.' 'Oh, shit!' (LAUGHTER) MasterChef fans are going, 'We don't understand.' 'It's like getting Matt Preston through George Calombaris.' 'Oh, for fuck's sake!' (LAUGHTER) I'm Peter Helliar. Have a great night. Thinking of you, Christchurch. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Our house is like Noah's Ark - we've got two of everything. I told him, 'Why don't you get yourself another wife to help you clean up this shit?' My wife made me have a colonoscopy. I didn't even really know what it meant. But apparently, they stuck a camera up my bum. There was nothing going wrong down there - she wanted some photos for her Facebook, apparently. (LAUGHTER) * NAZEEM: Alright, he's a comedian without a surname. So who knows how he gets through customs? It's Jimeoin! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Thank you very much. How are we all? Good? Yes? OK, get on with it. Um... I will get on with it. I don't... I've only got five minutes, so I'd just like to start by, uh, getting everyone's name, if I could. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) Hmm? (LAUGHTER) No rush. Take your time. (LAUGHTER) Doesn't matter. Forget what your name is. I won't listen, anyway. Um... I'm no good at remembering people's names. I'm hopeless. It's not my fault. It's a condition. Uh...there's a name for it, but, of course... (LAUGHTER) I... Yes. So, winter's coming. Clocks have gone back. Uh, not all clocks have gone back. Uh...the clock in my car hasn't gone back yet. (LAUGHTER) It won't be going back for six months. (LAUGHTER) Every time I get in the car, I do that... (GASPS, SIGHS, GROWLS) (LAUGHTER) It's got me a couple of times already. (GASPS, SIGHS, GROWLS) (LAUGHTER) It's always the same way. (GASPS, SIGHS, GROWLS) (LAUGHTER) It's three emotions in one - it's the shock and then the realisation you haven't put the clock back and then the anger. (GASPS, SIGHS, GROWLS) (LAUGHTER) As opposed to when you think you've lost your wallet, and it's the shock and then the realisation, and then the laugh that you haven't lost it. (GASPS, SIGHS, LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) (CHUCKLES) So, yes, no, but, uh, winter is coming. Winter's coming. Uh...that's a reference to Game Of Thrones. Uh...winter's coming. (NORTHERN ENGLISH ACCENT) 'A crow arrived from the north.' (LAUGHTER) This is a TV show where crows do the jobs of pigeons. (LAUGHTER) Because pigeons just don't sound sinister in a north-eastern accent. 'Pigeon arrived from the north last night.' (LAUGHTER) 'A pigeon?' 'Aye, a pigeon.' (LAUGHTER) 'What'd the pigeon say?' 'Nowt.' (LAUGHTER) 'Just ruffled its feathers and went, 'Brrrrr.'' (LAUGHTER) (GASPS) 'Winter's coming.' (LAUGHTER) But, yes, winter is coming. But time, time is a concept we've created. Time is relative. Two minutes in the microwave seems like a lot longer than two minutes. (LAUGHTER) 20 minutes on a treadmill can be an eternity. (LAUGHTER) Yet five hours in a pub - like that. (LAUGHTER) Anything you don't enjoy doing, time will slow down. Exercise - classic example. Exercise is good for me, 'cause I use it to relax. Sometimes I can be ill at ease. You ever have that feeling - ill at ease? You've got nothing to do. I think, 'I've got nothing to do. 'I know. I'll go for a run. I'll go for a big run.' 'But before I go, I'll stick the washing on so when I'm away, the washing will get done. 'And then, when I come back, I can stick it in the dryer 'so, when I'm having a shower, it'll be getting dried.' But as I'm thinking that, I think... ..'I'll just lie here.' (LAUGHTER) 'I feel relaxed now.' (LAUGHTER) I often fall asleep with my running gear on. (LAUGHTER) So...I didn't look at my watch when I came on, so it's pretty pointless looking at it now, to be honest. (LAUGHTER) You have to have your eyebrows up when you look at your watch. If you don't have your eyebrows up, you don't take in the time, do you? (LAUGHTER) Uh... (LAUGHTER) Do you ever worry about something and then forget what it is that you're worrying about? And you're thinking, 'I should be worrying about something right now, 'but for the life of me I just can't remember what it is.' And then you remember, and you go, 'Oh, yeah.' (LAUGHTER) I'll go. Five minutes. Probably long enough. You know. I've been doing stand-up for a long time now. People come to my show and they say to me, 'Stop it!' (LAUGHTER) 'That'll do.' But, you know, I think I will, you know. I'm getting lazier. Uh... There's more to that routine, but I just can't be bothered. (LAUGHTER) Anyway, that's all from me. Thank you very much, and goodnight. Thank you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Jimeoin, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the stage Frida Deguise! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) I just thought I'll give you a couple of seconds to stereotype me. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, you are right, you CAN tell by looking at me - I AM a vegetarian! (LAUGHTER) You know what? In this day and age, it's really hard being a Muslim, right, because I walk down the street and people look at me, like, 'Oh, my God, she's oppressed.' It's not true - I'm depressed. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, and you would too if you were married to a Lebanese man. (LAUGHTER) Yeah. These guys expect a seven-course meal for dinner every night. They want hummus, falafel, tabouli, chicken, rice - name it, they want it. It's not like Aussie guys. They're different. They're happy with a three-course meal. Beer, tomato sauce and a bong. (LAUGHTER) Man, my husband's weird, right? He's weird. He's a hoarder, right? Our house is like Noah's Ark - we've got two of everything. I told him, 'Why don't you get yourself another wife to help you clean up this shit?' (LAUGHTER) But, no, seriously, that's a common question I get asked, right? People always ask me, they'll say, 'Oh, Frida, what would you do if your husband found another wife? 'Would you be shocked?' Yeah, bloody oath I'll be shocked. My husband can't even find his keys! (LAUGHTER) Well, here's something you don't know about me, but I've been married three times. Yes, and that was the reaction I was expecting. (LAUGHTER) Right? Because no one ever expects a Muslim woman to be married three times, right? But here's the thing, you need to understand something - in our religion, it's much easier to get divorced. Because all the guy has to say is, 'You're divorced, you're divorced, you're divorced,' three times, and that's it - you're divorced. Man, my second divorce happened by accident. (LAUGHTER) My ex-husband was a stutterer. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHTER) Oh, and here's the funny thing, right - all of my three husbands happen to be Lebanese mechanics. Yeah, some women marry for love, I marry for car repair. (LAUGHTER) But, man, on a serious note, it is very difficult in this political climate to be Muslim. Especially wearing the scarf, right? And I don't understand why people are so offended by the scarf, why they're threatened by the scarf, right? You know, Boy Scouts wear scarves. They wear them around their neck and nobody cares, right? As soon as a Muslim puts it on their head, it's like a sign going, '9/11, 9/11, 9/11.' As soon as an Indian puts it on their head, it's like a sign going, '7-Eleven, 7-Eleven, 7-Eleven.' (LAUGHTER) Guys, youse have been wonderful. Thank you very much. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Give it up for Frida Deguise! Hey, I'm on next for Stand-Up For Christchurch and you can too, by donating now. * (APPLAUSE) NAZEEM: And now, to bring it home... give it up for Dave Hughes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello. Uh, it's wonderful to be here. What a great night we're having. I almost didn't make it. I was stopped by a wall of vegans on Flinders Street, so... (LAUGHTER) And they did a great job, and it was amazing what happened on Monday. Stopped all public transport, including trams. Trams normally don't stop for anyone. (LAUGHTER) Just normally a couple of ding-dings and they run you straight over. (LAUGHTER) But it is great to be here. I'm not a vegan but I am an animal lover. I've got three rescue animals. Who's got a rescue animal?! (CHEERING) We're heroes. I'm not a complete hero, though. Uh, last one we got was Bubbles, who turned up on Hughesy, We Have A Problem, my TV show, which is on after this telecast, so stick around. (LAUGHTER) Anyway, Bubbles turned up, meant to go to one of the guests on the show. She didn't want to take Bubbles, so my wife said, 'We're taking Bubbles.' So, we've got Bubbles, yeah. We'll have Bubbles the next 20 years. She's got cross-eyes and an overbite. (LAUGHTER) We love Bubbles. I'm not a complete hero, though, because, uh, when we got her, the vet said, 'She needs a knee reconstruction.' I'm, like, 'I think I'm gonna get a second opinion on that.' (LAUGHTER) So, I rang my brother up from Warrnambool. (LAUGHTER) He's not a vet. He's a cheesemaker. (LAUGHTER) I said, 'Mick, they reckon Bubbles needs a knee reconstruction.' He said, 'Is she gonna play in the AFL?' I said, 'I wouldn't have thought so.' (LAUGHTER) He said no knee reco for Bubbles, so... (LAUGHTER) No, I love Bubbles. I love all my rescue dog... Uh, I've got Barkly as well. I've got a rescue cat, Teddy. Had Teddy for 15 years. Vets have been trying to get me to make Teddy to lose weight for 15 years. Last time I took him to the vet, they said, 'He needs to lose weight.' I said, 'He doesn't even know he's overweight. 'He doesn't have an Instagram account. No-one's trolling his selfies, alright?' (LAUGHTER) The vet said, 'He's gonna get diabetes.' I said, 'So?' He said, 'You'll have to give him insulin every day.' I said, 'I won't HAVE to.' (LAUGHTER AND GROANING) Fairly sure Teddy's not aware of the advancements in modern medicine. Give him the choice between a syringe and some Whiskas, he'll take the Whiskas every day. (LAUGHTER) Now, look, Teddy... I don't feed him that much. I mean, he may have an Uber Eats account, as far as I know, but, um... Or... He's actually still a hunter. He does. The other day, I was in the lounge room, saw him walk in the backyard, holding... He had a pigeon in his mouth. Which shocked me. I thought, 'If you're an animal with the gift of flight, 'and you've been caught by that fat fucker...' (LAUGHTER) '..you deserve to die.' (LAUGHTER) Anyway, that was all very well, but then he decided to bring... I heard the doggie door go and I heard rustling around in the, uh, pantry. And I thought, 'Oh, no. He's put the pigeon next to the Barbecue Shapes.' I said to my seven-year-old, 'Can you go and see what Teddy's up to?' She came back all wide-eyed - 'Dad, he's got a pigeon with him!' I said, 'Do they look like they're friends?' (LAUGHTER) Anyway, I walked into the pantry and, uh, I didn't know what I was gonna find. But then I've got the pigeon just lookin' at me, goin', 'What are we gonna do, man?' (LAUGHTER) I'm, like, 'You got yourself into this situation.' Anyway, I took the pigeon out to the front yard and said, 'Fly, pigeon!' Didn't fly. (LAUGHTER) Just standing there, looking at me. And I said, 'Do you want a myki card? There's a tram down the road.' So, uh... (LAUGHTER) Look, I'm not a hero, guys. I'm not gonna deny that. My wife gets disappointed by my lack of heroic...ness. Recently, we were lying in bed and middle of the night, she wakes me up and says, 'I think I hear someone downstairs.' I said, 'Well, let's just be quiet and pretend we're not home.' (LAUGHTER) She says, 'I'm serious! Are you gonna go down there?' I said, 'Not if there's someone down there, I'm not, no.' (LAUGHTER) Then she goes, 'Well, I'll go down.' I said, 'Oh, no. You've guilted me into it. 'A hero has come along. You stay there, I'll go downstairs.' And I left the bedroom, but I never went downstairs. (LAUGHTER) I just stood on the top stairs, saying, 'Take what you like!' (LAUGHTER) 'Just don't tell her I didn't go down there! 'I'm more scared of her than I am of you!' (LAUGHTER) She's a beautiful woman, my wife. No doubt about it. She actually said to me, and she's said this before, that there's no way she'd ever cheat on me. She can't even fantasise about being with another man unless, in that fantasy, I'm already dead. (LAUGHTER AND GROANING) I said, 'What do you mean?' She said, 'I have to fantasise that you've died before I can move on.' (LAUGHTER) I said, 'Well, how do I die?' She says, 'All sorts of different ways.' (LAUGHTER) I said, 'Are some of them painful?' She said, 'Some of them are very painful.' I said, 'Well, I obviously love you more than you love me.' She said, 'Why?' I said, 'I can fantasise about being... 'You don't have to be dead in the fantasies.' (LAUGHTER) 'You can be in the room.' (LAUGHTER) Anyway, uh... No, we have a great relationship. And she wants to keep me alive, guys. She really does. Last year, she made me have a colonoscopy. I didn't even really know what it meant. But apparently, they stuck a camera up my bum. There was nothing going wrong down there, but she wanted some photos for her Facebook, apparently. (LAUGHTER) The thing about that was that I... I couldn't eat for 30 hours before the procedure. And I was pretty hungry. I thought I was doing the 40-Hour Famine. And then, on my piece of paper, it said, 'Have this white powder,' which I thought must be like Milo, to fill me up. So, I treated it like I was coming home from school and I had eight extra helpings of this white powder. (LAUGHTER AND GROANING) Then half an hour later, I realised it wasn't to fill me up. (LAUGHTER) It was to do the exact opposite. Things were going on down there that were freaking me out. I thought, 'I could put a bushfire out right now.' (LAUGHTER) The pressure was extraordinary. I went outside and cleaned the concrete. (LAUGHTER) I got rust stains that had been on there for three years. It was the accuracy I was most impressed with. (LAUGHTER) I took a possum off a tree three doors down. (LAUGHTER) You've been a great crowd! Thanks for coming! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) NAZEEM: Give it up for Dave Hughes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thanks very much for coming. Thanks to everyone involved, and the comedians that donated their time. Thank you very much for standing up for Christchurch! Goodnight! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Captions by Red Bee Media Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.