TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS Exiting the time knot now, sir. Exiting the time knot now, sir. We're alive! By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale. COMPUTER: Systems register functional. COMPUTER: Systems register functional. All systems are working, Commander. I don't like it. It was too easy. Wait! Wait! ALARM SOUNDS Wait! ALARM SOUNDS Oh no, they're everywhere. Time knots are opening everywhere! Time knots are opening everywhere! Trapped! Time knots are opening everywhere! Trapped! We're surrounded, Commander. ALL: Ah! It's a core meltdown, sir. It can't be stopped. It's a core meltdown, sir. It can't be stopped. Surrender may be our only option. No! Never give up, never surrender. Your orders, sir? Sir, your orders? Activate the Omega 13. APPLAUSE Well? Huh? Well, there you are. Huh? Yeah! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. You are the first people to see the lost Galaxy Quest episode 92 two-parter... since it was originally aired in 1982! Huh? Yeah! All right! And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. The intrepid crew of the NSEA Protector! Yeah! LOUD APPLAUSE QUIETLY: Red scarf, black shoes... Wait. White scarf, black buttons, white shoes... Man, where in the hell is he? An hour and a half late? An hour and a half. This is unreal. They're going to start eating each other out there. Oh, did you hear? He booked another appearance without us. Oh, did you hear? He booked another appearance without us. You're kidding. Oh, uh... Ah... How did I come to this? How did I come to this? Not again. I played Richard III. I played Richard III. Five curtain calls. There were five curtain calls. I was an actor once, and now look at me! I can't go out there and I won't say that stupid line one more time. I can't. I won't. I can't. I won't. Well, Alex, at least you had a part. OK? You had a character people loved. My TV Guide interview was six paragraphs about my boobs... and how they fit into my suit. No one even bothered to ask me what I do on the show. You had the... Wait, wait, I'll think of it. I repeated the computer, Fred. Whoo! Your commander is on deck! (LAUGHS) Wow, that smog is thick today, eh? Am I too late for Alexander's panic attack? Apparently not. You know, you should get that looked at. (LAUGHS) OK, what did I do? Hmm? What? CROWD CHANTS: We want the crew! CROWD CHANTS: We want the crew! PA: We developed the same affection for the crew... CROWD CHANTS: We want the crew! exploring space, these were friends. exploring space, these were friends. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. You are so full of it, man! It's not a big deal. These guys put a set in their basement. I'm there about an hour. It's nothing, Gwen. They wanted the Commander. They wanted the Commander. < There he goes. They wanted the Commander. < There he goes. Alexander, wait a minute. Grab him! CROWD: We want the crew! OK! Yeah. OK! Yeah. CROWD CHEERS Here we go. Come on, old friend. Old friend. Come on, old friend. Old friend. Friend? You stole my best lines, you cut me out of episode two entirely. Excuse me. Excuse me. ...Tawny Madison, my personal favourite: Gwen DeMarco! CHEERING CHEERING Whoo! CHEERING Whoo! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. Let's hear a warm welcome for crack gunner Laredo, Tommy Webber! You will go out there. You will go out there. I won't, and nothing you say will make me. The show must go on. Damn you. Damn you. I won't say that stupid line one more time. ...Tev'meck, Alexander Dane! > Yeah! All right! > By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged. By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged. Yeah! By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged. All right! That guy can act. And finally, my fellow Questarians, the brave commander of the NSEA Protector,... IMITATES ECHO: Peter... Quincy... Taggart,... Jason Nesmith! LOUD CHEERING We love you, Commander! Never give up,... Never give up,... ALL: ...never surrender! Damn the resonance cannons and full speed ahead, huh? The crew will be signing autographs... NO AUDIO NO AUDIO ...on imperial decks C and B. > Excuse me. Crew member coming through. Fans, right? Hey, Gwen. I want to thank you for that nice intro you gave us today, um... Guy. You probably don't remember me, do you? It's the sunglasses, right? I was on the show in '82, episode 81. I got killed by a lava monster before the first commercial. Listen, maybe I could sit in and sign a couple of autographs. By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warvan, I shall avenge you. By Grabthar's hammer... Next. Had I moved to the left, the beast would have killed me. On the other hand, my crew was in danger. On the other hand, my crew was in danger. How did you choose? On the other hand, Come on. Without my crew, I'm not a commander, huh? I think we all remember what happened to that beast on Enok 7. I think we all remember what happened to that beast on Enok 7. ALL LAUGH You gotta admit, they really do love him. Yeah, almost as much as he loves himself. Excuse me, Commander. Hey. I was wondering if you could help settle a dispute that my crew and I seem to be having. If you remember in The Quasar Dilemma` If you remember in The Quasar Dilemma` Excuse me for a minute, fellas. I hadn't even gotten to the relevant conundrum. I hadn't even gotten to the relevant conundrum. In episode 15, Mists of Delos 5,... I got the feeling that you and the Commander kind of had a thing. Did you? No. The Commander and I never had a thing. No. The Commander and I never had a thing. Well, that's her story. Excuse me. Gwen. Gwen. Commander. Commander. Excuse me. Commander. Excuse me. I must speak to you. We are Thermians from the Klatu nebula and we need your help. Oh, is this about the gig tomorrow? Hammer out the details with my agent and make sure there's a limo. (SQUEAKS) (SQUEAKS) Last time I did this, they shoved me in the back of a Toyota. Remember, mum's the word. Shh. Certainly, but` Mmmmmmmm... Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Hold it there, and... beautiful. > Crewman Madison, the mist of this strange planet is filling my head with such thoughts. It was cute when I didn't know you. GIRLS GIGGLE (LAUGHS EVILLY) What a freak show, man. Oh, this is hilarious. A bunch of losers begging for autographs at $15 a pop. These guys haven't had a real acting job for 20 years. Did you see Nesmith? He actually gets off on those retards thinking he's a space commander. > Oh, and his friends? > Oh, and his friends? > I know! They can't stand him! Did you hear 'em ragging on him? > Dude, he has no idea he's a laughing stock, even to his buddies. > Dude, he has no idea he's a laughing stock, even to his buddies. > He's pathetic. > Ooh, come on, the Galaxy Quest Dancers are almost on. > Ooh, come on, the Galaxy Quest Dancers are almost on. > Ooh, full speed ahead, Lieutenant. > Hey, Commander. So, as I was saying, in The Quasar Dilemma, you used the auxiliary of deck B for... Could you...? Deck B for gamma override. The thing is that online blueprints show... that B is independent of the guidance matrix. We were wondering just where the error lies. It's just a television show. That's all, OK? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Right, cos we were wondering if the quantum flux` (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Right, cos we were wondering if the quantum flux` There is no quantum flux. There's no auxiliary. There's no goddam ship! You got it? I mean it. I mean it, Alex. I've never seen him lose it like that, not to a fan. I mean, it was just weird. Gwen, I have said it for years: he's mentally unstable. I... I'm worried. It just was not like him. TV BLARES (CHANGES CHANNEL) As long as there's injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries out,... wherever a distress signal sounds... wherever a distress signal sounds... BOTH: ...we'll be there. This fine ship and this... This fine ship and this... This fine ship and this fine crew. MUMBLES: Never give up... MUMBLES: Never give up... Never give up! MUMBLES: Never give up... Never give up! ...and never surrender. Never surrender. TAPPING ON GLASS TAPPING ON GLASS (GROANS) (GROANS) Can I help you? Sir, I understand it's a breach in protocol. You shouldn't have come to my house. You shouldn't have come to my house. Please. I beg you to hear our plea. We are Thermians from the Klatu nebula. Our people are being hunted and slaughtered by Roth'h'ar Sarris of Fatu-Krey. We are to meet in negotiation, however our efforts in this regard have been disastrous. Please, Commander, you are our last hope. We have secured a limousine. We have secured a limousine. What? Oh, oh, oh, it's the thing. It's the thing. It's, um... (CHUCKLES) Maybe I should get some pants on. Come on in. (GROANS) Commander, I must say that standing here in your presence is the greatest honour... we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetime. we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetime. I really appreciate that. Would you guys look for another shoe that looks like this, please? Sir, I am Lahnk, requisition officer. Before we leave, please tell me if you have any requirements ` weapons, documents, personnel. Um, Coca-Cola? Do you have one of those? Sir, I am Teb. I would like to explain the history between our people and the Sarris Dominion. How you doing? How you doing? In the 5 million years following the nebula burst, our people were one. What's your name? Doesn't she talk? Her translator is broken. Her translator is broken. (SCREECHES LOUDLY) Okey-dokey. You know, guys, I had a late night with a Kreemorian Fangor Beast, so I'm going to just shut my eyes. Go on, I'm listening to everything you say, OK? In the 5 million years following the nebula burst, our people were one,... but then came the Saktar migration, and then the Milosian shift. ...fighting among Treebseps and Largoths ` ah, the foolishness. DOG BARKS Commander. Commander. I'm sorry to wake you, sir, but your presence is requested on the command deck. (GROANS) Sir, Sarris has moved the deadline. We are approaching his ship at the Ni-delta now. He wants an answer to his proposal. I got most of it in the car. Sarris is the bad guy, right? I got most of it in the car. Sarris is the bad guy, right? Oh, yes, sir. He's a very bad man. He has tortured our scientists, put us to work in the gallium-arsenide mines, captured our females. I get the picture. Do you have pages, or do you want me to wing it? I get the picture. Do you have pages, or do you want me to wing it? I am not sure I understand. Commander, welcome to the Protector II. Good to see ya. Good to see ya. Would you like to don your uniform? I got this gig in Van Nuys in about 15 minutes. Is that OK? I got this gig in Van Nuys in about 15 minutes. Is that OK? As you wish. I got this gig in Van Nuys in about 15 minutes. Is that OK? Sir, it's Sarris. He's here. General. I have just received word the Thermians have appointed a new commander to handle the negotiations What?! (GROANS) This is great. Usually it's just cardboard walls in a garage. We apologise for operating at low-power mode,... but we are experiencing a reflector-flux field this close to the galactic axis. You know, what I could use is a cup holder and a couple of Advil. You know, what I could use is a cup holder and a couple of Advil. We're approaching in five ticks. You know, what I could use is a Command to slow? (LAUGHS) Cos, we... (MUMBLES) I'm sorry to break the mood here. Um, slow it down to Mach 2, Lieutenant. I see fear ` that is expected. Ah, they bring a new commander. That's good. Scary. If I do not hear what I like, then there will be blood and pain as you cannot imagine! First, I require the Omega 13. Second, I will require a technician` Okey-dokey, okey-dokey, let's fire blue particle cannons full, red particle cannons full. Gannet magnets ` fire them left and right, and let 'em run all chutes. While you're at it, why don't you toss that at 'em, killer? That should take care of old Lobster Head, shouldn't it? That should take care of old Lobster Head, shouldn't it? (CHOKES) That should take care of old Lobster Head, shouldn't it? Commander, where are you going? Commander, where are you going? Home. Commander, where are you going? Home. Y-You mean Earth? Yeah, Earth. I need to get back to Earth, kids. Yeah, Earth. I need to get back to Earth, kids. But, the negotiations ` Yeah, Earth. I need to get back to Earth, kids. you fired on him. What's your planet called? What's your planet called? Thermia. What if Sarris survives? What if Sarris survives? Oh, I doubt it. He got both barrels. Well, if you have any more problems with the guy, just give me a call. Ow! An interstellar vox. An interstellar vox. What? Hey. How can we thank you, Commander? You have saved our people. Yeah, uh-huh, OK. You kids have been great, you really have. This thing is real-looking. Hello? Hello? (CHUCKLES) Hey. Where's my limo? Uh? RUMBLING Oh! MUFFLED: Uh? Wuh! (SCREAMS) (SHIVERS UNCONTROLLABLY) * GWEN: Take it from us, we've been all over the universe,... ...but we've never seen space-age values like we've seen here at... ...but we've never seen space-age values like we've seen here at... ..Tech Value Electronics Superstore. FLATLY: By Grabthar's hammer,... what a savings. All right! Let's hear it for the NSEA Protector. No, no, you've got it all wrong. Brandon, are you OK? Brandon, are you OK? Commander, my apologies. Evidently we had a little miscommunication regarding... < the voyage... and that you didn't show up. He... He did it again. Do you know what time it is? Why do you even bother to show up at all? Do you know what time it is? Why do you even bother to show up at all? Not now. Guys, I was there. I was up there. Remember those people dressed like aliens? They were aliens. They were Termites or Dalmatians. I can't remember ` I was hung-over. What they built was extraordinary. It was a huge spaceship. I got to fight this guy named Sarris and I kicked his ass. I know what you're thinking. But I can prove it. They gave me this. No, no, no, but can you talk to people in space on those? Protector, this is the Commander, over. Protector, this is the Commander, over. Oh, for God's sake. Protector, this is That's it. It's time to go. That kid. Where's that kid? That kid. Where's that kid? Begging your pardon, Commander. I come with news. Sarris lives. Sarris lives. Listen. He was able to make an escape. Sarris lives. He was able to make an escape. He was able to make an escape. Tell them. Sarris. He was able to make an escape. Tell them. Sarris. He has contacted us. He wishes to negotiate a surrender. We implore you to come and negotiate the terms. Hm? They want me back? You want me back? Isn't this amazing? They want me back and I want you guys to go with me. Please? Let's go. Yes! You are going. Alexander, I'm not kidding here. This isn't some kind of prank. I'm not kidding. Guys, guys, listen. Come on. Gwen, Gwen, stop. Come here You know me. I'm a lot of things, but am I crazy? You know me. I'm a lot of things, but am I crazy? It's one thing to treat us this way. It's another thing to do it to your fans. She's not a fan. This is a Termite! You should've just let me hit him. You should've just let me hit him. < Boy, I didn't know you could get that loaded. I think we should have just taken the gig. Who knows the next time he'll ask us? Fred, he was drunk. Do you really think he was talking about a job? But you live with your mother. But you live with your mother. Did Jason come through here? But you live with your mother. Did Jason come through here? Yeah, he's in there. But you live with your mother. Did Jason come through here? Hey, guys. Oh. We are coming too. All of you wish to go to the ship? All of you wish to go to the ship? Yes, we wish to go to the ship. You see, we work together or not at all. Wonderful. The Commander had me continue transmission in case you changed your mind. Protector, requesting four interstellar` Protector, requesting four interstellar` Wait. Me too. Five pods for immediate departure. Guys? Guys? Guys? I look forward to meeting you all when you arrive. End transmission. Oh my God. Anybody got any change? (GASPS) (SHIVERS) ALL SHIVER LOUD HOOTING AND SCREECHING INSTRUMENTS WHIRR Our most sincere apologies. We forgot about our appearance generators. You guys came. Who wants the grand tour? (SCREAMS) Anybody else? That was a hell of a thing. What's wrong with them? What's wrong with them? I dunno. Come on. Just keep shaking it off. It gets better. Hey, try some gum. It helps. Just keep shaking it off. It gets better. Hey, try some gum. It helps. Where are we? The 23rd quadrant of the gamma sector. There's a map in the forward room. Welcome, my friends. Welcome, my friends. This is Mathesar. He's their leader. On behalf of my people, I thank you from the deepest place in our hearts. Mathesar, this is my crew. Dr Lazarus. ALIENS WHISPER: Dr Lazarus. Lieutenant Madison. ALIENS WHISPER: Lieutenant Madison Young Laredo, how you've grown. ALL: Young Laredo. WHISPERS: Tech Sergeant Chen. WHISPERS: Tech Sergeant Chen. ALIENS WHISPER: Tech Sergeant Chen Crewman number s... Guy. ALL: Guy. You... know us? ALIENS CHUCKLE I don't believe there is anyone on my planet who does not. Since we first received transmission of your historical documents, we have studied your missions. You've been watching the show` You've been watching the show` Lieutenant. Historical documents. ...historical documents from out here? Yes, sir. The past 100 years our society had fallen into disarray. Our values had become scattered, but since the transmission we have modelled our society on your example It has saved us. Your courage and teamwork and friendship through adversity. In fact, all you see around you has been taken from the lessons garnered from the historical documents. Is this a spaceship? No, this is a starport for the ship. Would you guys like to see the ship? RUMBLING < ALEXANDER: Oh my God. It's real. The generator room. The beryllium sphere, of course. And, as we continue, the medical quarters are to the left. We went to some trouble duplicating your cellular regeneration. We went to some trouble duplicating your cellular regeneration. Jason, what have you got us into? Wow. The floors are so clean. Wow. The floors are so clean. We're here to negotiate this guy Sarris' surrender. No big deal. And the organ-fabrication chamber is coming along nicely. And the organ-fabrication chamber is coming along nicely. No big deal? Are you crazy? We have to get out of here. We have to get out of here. Come on, guys. You guys want to go home? Say the word and we'll go home, pay our bills, fall asleep in front of the TV, and miss out on all of this. Come on. Do you guys want to do that? Anybody? Gwen, think about it. Look, we're in space. Alexander, this is the role of a lifetime. You guys wanna leave? We have prepared many of your esoteric dishes. > Your Monte Cristo sandwich is a current favourite of the adventurous. > The main barracks. SALUTES ECHO At ease. It's like throwing gasoline on a flame. What? What? I'm just jazzed about being on the show, man. If you would all take your positions < Our what? Guys. Oh. Oh. Oh, we... Oh. Oh, we... Oh. > Look, this thingy. I remember... I remember I had it all worked out. This is forward, this is back. > Commander, some of the crew has requested to be present at this historic event. Sure, bring 'em in. (SCREECHES) No pressure, huh? Glad I ain't the commander. (CHUCKLES) No pressure, huh? Glad I ain't the commander. (CHUCKLES) Laredo, take us out. Excuse me? They designed those controls after watching you. Take her out. (CLEARS THROAT) Right, right. OK, right. > Right. Take her out. ENGINES ROAR ENGINES CHARGE SALUTES ECHO OK, you've gotta move to the right. More to the right. OK, you've gotta move to the right. More to the right. Would you sit your ass down? OK, you've gotta move to Sit. Move. You wanna drive this thing? SCRAPING LOUD SCRAPING CONTINUES APPLAUSE AND CHEERING * How are you enjoying your steak, Commander? How are you enjoying your steak, Commander? I'm really enjoying it. This is like corn-fed Iowa beef. Yes, we programmed the food synthesiser for each of you based on regional menu of your birthplace. I don't care where you did it ` it tastes great. > Are you enjoying your Kep-mok bloodticks, Dr Lazarus? Are you enjoying your Kep-mok bloodticks, Dr Lazarus? Just like Mother used to make. So, um, tell me, Mathesar. This Sarris person that we're flying to meet, what does he want? (CHOKES) He heard about the device ` the Omega 13. Um, what is it? What does it do? We don't know. We were hoping you could enlighten us. Oh, the Omega 13 device. We found that on an alien planet. We don't know what it does either. Why don't you just turn it on and see what it does? Why don't you just turn it on and see what it does? (SCREECHES NERVOUSLY) It has at its heart a reactor capable of unthinkable energy. If we were mistaken, the device would act as a molecular explosive... causing a chain reaction that would obliterate all matter in the universe. Has Sarris ever seen any of the historical records? Has Sarris ever seen any of the historical records? No, thank God, he has not. So how does he know about the Omega 13 device? Our former commander was not strong. Former commander? I am sorry. You deserve to be shown. The tape was smuggled off of Sarris' ship. Originally one of our own tried to lead. Is that all? After three days of this, you still require incentive? (SCREECHES) I have told you all I know. If you have any mercy within you, please, let me die. When I grow weary of the noises you make, you shall die. > When I grow weary of the noises you make, you shall die. > ELECTRICAL ZAPPING (SCREECHES LOUDLY) > Guys, come on. Hold on a minute. Give me some time to think. He wants to think. He wants to think. No, Jason, that's a wrap. I'm not even supposed to be here. I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove the situation is serious. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove the situation is serious. Commander. Commander? to prove the situation is serious. Commander? Prepare the pods for my crew's departure. We can't launch pods at the moment. Sarris will surely detonate any objects leaving the ship. Sarris? Sarris? He's here now. Your presence is required on the command deck. Wh... There's nobody here. There's nobody here. While my people are talented scientists,... our attempt to operate our technologies in tactical simulation have been disastrous. I've raised Sarris on zeta frequency. Mathesar` Mathesar` We meet again, Commander. Hello, Sarris. How you doing? Better than my lieutenant. He failed to activate the ship's neutron armour as quickly as I'd hoped on our last encounter. Well, I'd like to say I'm real sorry about what happened before. The whole thing was a misunderstanding. Deliver the device to me or I will destroy your ship! You know, we'd like to do that, but frankly, Sarris, sir, we don't know what it is or where it is. You have 10 seconds. 10 seconds, I don't... You know, OK. Gosh darn it, I give up. It's yours, You can have it. You have to give me a minute to put it in a box for you. OK? Gwen. Don't panic. I've dealt with this guy. He's as stupid as he is ugly. Jason. Jason. Not now, Gwen. Sit, sit, sit. Everything we can at him, OK? Everything we can at him, OK? Jason. Everything we can at him, OK? Jason. Not now, Gwen. Press these red buttons and send everything we have towards him. All right, Gwen. Put me back on with him. Well, I'm trying to tell you. You are back with him. Perhaps I'm not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander. I gave you the kill gesture. You gave me the 'we're dead' signal. I was agreeing with you. Like I know where the hold button is. Hey, guys. There's a red thingy moving toward the green thingy. What? What? Red thingy moving toward the green thingy. I think... I think we're the green thingy. A little present for you, Commander. We gotta get outta here. Move this ship. Let's go! BOOM! BOOM! ALL YELL (SCREAMS) Argh! Tommy, Tommy, let's go! Get us out of here! Tommy, Tommy, let's go! Get us out of here! Jason, what do I do? ALL YELL They're turning. They're coming! Thrust ahead, full. < Fire at will. Go faster, Tommy. Go faster, Tommy. I'm going as fast as I can, Jason. She's still be... She's still behind us! She's still be... She's still behind us! Press turbo! She's still be... She's still behind us! I'm always saying press the turbo, right? I'm always saying press the turbo, right? Oh, it's right here! I'm always saying press the turbo, right? Well, press it and hold it down. Whoo! COMPUTER: The enemy is matching velocity. COMPUTER: The enemy is matching velocity. Enemy is matching velocity! We heard it the first time. We heard it the first time. Gosh, I'm doing it. I'm repeating the darn computer. Hi, guys. Listen, they're telling me the, uh, the generators won't take it. The ship is breaking apart and all that. Just FYI. We've gotta stop! We stop and we die. Tommy, just hold that thing down. We stop and we die. Tommy, just hold that thing down. The turbo's only for quick boosts! Oh, like you know. ALARM SOUNDS ALARM SOUNDS I remember that sound. That's a bad sound. Wait, wait, wait. We might be able to lose them in this cloud here. Wait, wait, wait. We might be able to lose them in this cloud here. Oh, I don't think that's a cloud. Mathesar, what is this? Mathesar, what is this? This is the Tothian minefield, left standing from the Great War of 12185 Oh God! (SCREAMS) Whoo! Whoo! Ah! Argh! (WHIMPERS) Could you possibly try not to hit every single one? Sorry, man! They're drifting towards us! I think they're magnetic! Continue forward, sir? Patience, Lieutenant. Patience. We've gotta stop! We've gotta stop! We're almost through this! (SCREAMS) Argh! Argh! You OK? You all right? You OK? You all right? Yeah. Is everybody all right? Where's Tommy? (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) < Tommy? You all right? (SCREAMS) < Tommy? You all right? Oh man. No, my arm is broken. Argh! Don't touch it! Don't touch it! I'll take him to medical quarters. I'll take him to medical quarters. Thanks, Mathesar. I'll take him to medical quarters. Thanks, Mathesar. (HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM) Ooh! Alex, where are you going? Alex, where are you going? To see if there's a pub. * COMPUTER: Forward-thruster shaft, 87% damage. Aft vector guards, 96% damage. Structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40` W-W-What about the engines? Forward-thruster shaft, 87% damage. Computer, what about the engines? Why don't we have power? The beryllium sphere has fractured under stress. The beryllium sphere has fractured under stress. It's fractured. Can it be repaired? Computer, can it be repaired? Computer, can it be repaired? Damage to beryllium sphere irreparable. New source of beryllium must be secured. New source of beryllium must be secured. We need another one. You broke the ship. You broke the bloody ship! Computer, is there a replacement beryllium sphere on board? Computer, is there a replacement beryllium sphere on board? Computer, is there a replacement beryllium sphere on board? Negative. No reserve beryllium sphere exists on board. No, we have no extra beryllium sphere on board. You know, that is really getting annoying. You know, that is really getting annoying. I have one job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm going to do it, OK? TIMIDLY: Sure, no problem. A thousand apologies. We have failed you. How have you failed us? We have seen you victorious in much more desperate situations. The fault must lie with us, with the ship. No, Mathesar, it is not your fault and it's not the ship's fault. It's my fault. W-We, this group, um` W-We, this group, um` We are not the people you think we are. I don't understand. Did you make any TV shows on your planet? Theatre? Films? Your historical documents. Yes, in fact, we have begun documenting our history from your example. Not historical documents. They're not all historical documents. I mean,... Surely you don't think that Gilligan's Island is a... Those poor people. Oh, brother. > We're screwed. Is there no one on your planet who behaves in a way that's contrary to reality? You are speaking of... WHISPERS: Deception, lies. WHISPERS: Deception, lies. ...deception, lies. We have only recently become aware of this concept, in our dealings with Sarris. Often Sarris will say one thing and do another; promise us mercy, but deliver destruction. It is a concept we are beginning to learn at some great cost,... but if you are saying that any of you could have traits in common with Sarris... (LAUGHS UNUSUALLY) ALL LAUGH UNUSUALLY (CHUCKLES) FRED: Hey, Commander. Listen, we found some beryllium on a nearby planet. We might be able to get there if we... reconfigure the solar matrix in parallel... for endothermic propulsion. What do you think? We'll do that! We'll do that! All right! That's right again. That's... Come on, group hug. Come on. Dr Lazarus, I hope I am not breaching protocol,... but I am so very humbled to stand in your presence. I have studied your missions extensively. Though I am Thermian, I have lived my life by your philosophy, by the code of the Mak'tar. Oh, good. That's... very nice. By Grabthar's hammer, Dr Lazarus. By Grabthar's hammer, Dr Lazarus. Don't do that. I'm not kidding. I'm sorry, sir, I was only` I'm sorry, sir, I was only` Just don't. Yes, sir. Never give up, never surrender. Dr Lazarus, here is your surface mapper. I have programmed it to the coordinates of a beryllium sphere of sufficient density. Good luck on your mission, sir. Thanks. FLAMES ROAR You're doing good, Tommy. SOBS: I changed my mind. I wanna go back. After the fuss you made about getting left behind? I thought I was the guy who stays on the ship and something up there kills me. But now I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster after we land on the planet. You're not going to die on the planet, Guy. You're not going to die on the planet, Guy. I'm not? You're not going to die on the planet, Guy. I dunno. I dunno. Nobody knows! Do you know why? Because my character isn't important enough for a last name, because I'm going to die. Guy, you have a last name. SCREAMS: Do I?! Do I?! Yes. Yes. For all you know, I'm just Crewman Number Six. Mommy! Mommy! Are we there yet? Mommy! Mommy! Tommy! Look out! Look out! Pull out! (ENGINE REVS) Assertive ` that's how I describe my driving. On the open road, you're aiming for about 10 to 15 above the road sign. Nah, nah, passengers don't get to call the shots. I'm the one driving, so I choose the speed. (WEATHER REPORT PLAYS ON RADIO) (ENGINE REVS) If you wanna drive, then you can drive. That's what I always fire back. They just don't understand how you can drive quickly and safely. If anyone tells me to slow down, I give them the same response every time ` my car, my rules. * Hey, don't open that! It's an alien planet! Is there air?! You don't know! (SNIFFS) (BREATHES) Seems OK. Here we go. Which way, Alexander? This way. Wait, no. That way. That way. You were holding it upside down. You think you could do better, Laredo? You think you could do better, Laredo? Hey, watch it. Oh, we're screwed. We're so screwed. do better, Laredo? Oh, we're screwed. We're so screwed. Oh, we're screwed. We're so screwed. If we wanna do this mission we have to use self-control. Self-control? That's funny coming from a guy who slept with every Terrakian slave girl on the show. Did it occur to you that had you been supportive you might have been able to... Wow. This must be some sort of mining facility. Where are the miners? Something bad happened here. Something bad happened here. Will you relax? There they are ` beryllium spheres. Let's go. (GASPS) Look at that. Would you look at that? They look like little children. Could they be the miners? Could they be the miners? Oh, sure. They're, like, 3 years old Miners, not minors. You lost me. I don't like this. I don't like this at all. I don't like this. I don't like this at all. They are so cute. They're cute now, but in a second they're gonna get mean and they're gonna get ugly somehow... and there's gonna be a million more of 'em. and there's gonna be a million more of 'em. Look. There's a little hurt one. Ohhh. Hi. Hey there, little` Ah! Hi. Hey there, little` Ah! Shhh! Did you guys ever watch the show?! See? They're going to help the little hurt one. ALIENS WHISPER ALIENS HISS I'm so sick of being right. Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy. Let's get out of here before one of those things kills Guy. We need a beryllium sphere. Fred, we need to distract those things. Then Alex and Gwen and I will go get a sphere. Tommy, get on that ridge. Signal us if they come back. Why does this sound so familiar? Why does this sound so familiar? Assault on Voltrex III, episode 81. Whatever. The one with the hologram, the wall of fire. Whatever. The one with the hologram, the wall of fire. How is Fred supposed to do that? Are we doing episode 81? Are we doing episode 81? It's just a rough plan, Guy. What difference does it make? Because I died in EPISODE 81! Shh! Shh! Episode 51, all right? 51. Shh! Episode 51, all right? 51. This is ludicrous. Why are you listening to this fellow? He's wearing a costume, not a uniform. He's no more equipped to lead us than this fellow. No offence. Look, they're gone. Look, they're gone. Where'd they go? Back inside? Here's the plan: Gwen, Fred, Alex and I will get a sphere. Guy, set up a perimeter. Tommy, signal us if you see something. What kind of a signal? What kind of a signal? Any kind of signal. OK, I'll do my hands like this. Caw! Caw! What are you? An infant? Look, we have these. The... Sorry. Let's go. (GRUNTS) Does the rolling help? Does the rolling help? Uh-huh. It helps. Where's your gun? Where's your gun? It helps. Oh. Oh. What? Ha ha! Never give up, never surrender! Ha ha! Never give up, never surrender! BOTH: Oh, shut up. Caw! Caw! They're coming! There's thousands of them, Jason! Run! < They're everywhere! They're everywhere! Run! < They're everywhere! They're everywhere! Run! ALIENS HISS < They're everywhere! They're everywhere! Run! Jason! They're everywhere! Jason! They're everywhere! Come on, let's go. Hurry! < Don't look back. Do not look back. < Don't look back. Do not look back. < We're not going to make it! (SCREAMS) I knew this episode was going to kill me! I knew this episode was going to kill me! Go, go, go! Come on! < Let's go, Tommy! < Let's go, Tommy! I got it, but it's gonna take a few seconds. Go ahead! Go ahead! There's no time. Get in. Get in. Heaven forbid anybody else gets the spotlight, eh? Jason Nesmith` Heaven forbid anybody else gets the spotlight, eh? Jason Nesmith` SMACK! Heaven forbid anybody else gets the spotlight, eh? Jason Nesmith` Jason! Jason, come on! Hurry! Tommy, go! Go! I'm in! No! No, no, no! Jason, please! Tommy, stop the pod! Stop it! I can't stop it. It's on autopilot. I can't stop it. It's on autopilot. Go, leave him! I can't stop it. It's on autopilot. Go, leave him! < No! ALIENS SQUEAL Oh, right. Of course. It's always about you, isn't it? ALIENS CHATTER CREATURE SNUFFLES CREATURE SNUFFLES (GROANS) (SPITS) Ugh! Oh! Hey! Uh. Oh. CREATURE ROARS Ohhh. ALIENS CHANT: Gorignack! Gorignack! Jason. Jason, can you hear me? Yeah, Gwen, you got me. Thank God. Are you OK? Thank God. Are you OK? Yeah. In fact, I've got Gorignack staring me in the face right now. But you know what? I think I can take him. ALL: Ugh. We're going to use the digital conveyor. The digital conveyor? The digital conveyor? Yeah. I'm going to be diced into cubes and sent up there in a million pieces? I'm going to be diced into cubes and sent up there in a million pieces? Right. I'm going to be diced into cubes and You know what? I think I'll take my chance with Gorignack. Ugh. Ugh. We're getting you out now. It's perfectly safe, isn't it, Teb? It was never successfully tested. It was never successfully tested. What did he say? Theoretically the mechanism is operational. But it was built to accommodate your anatomy, not ours. But Tech Sergeant Chen can operate it. It was designed watching his motions from the documents. I, uh... I mean, I can't. I can supervise. Jason, we're going to test it. Jason, we're going to test it. On what? How about that pig lizard? How about that pig lizard? I'm doing all right with it. (HOOTS NERVOUSLY) Sorry. It's exciting to see the master at the controls. The conveyor's operation is much more art than science. The conveyor's operation is much more art than science. Stand back, Jason. CREATURE SNORTS ALL SIGH TRIUMPHANTLY ALL: Ugh! ALL: Ugh! CREATURE GROANS ALL: Ew! What? What was that? What? What was that? Uh. What? What was that? Uh. Nothing. I heard some squealing or something. I heard some squealing or something. No, everything's fine. But the animal is inside out. But the animal is inside out. I heard that. It turned inside out?! SPLAT! And it exploded. Did I just hear that that animal turned inside out and then it exploded?! Hello? Hold, please. Wait a minute. The pig lizard is gone. Why are they still yelling 'gorignack'? Teb, hit the translation circuit. ALIENS CHANT: Rock! Rock! Rock! Jason, I don't think the pig lizard was gorignack. What the hell are you talking about? Oh, darn. Oh. ROCK CREATURE ROARS Digitise me! Come on, guys. Digitise me. Come on, guys. Digitise me. Come on, Fred. Come on, guys. Digitise me. Come on, Fred. Oh, not me. They based it on your hand movements Come on, Fred. They based it on your hand movements (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Am I the only one who saw that thing inside out? I'm not the guy. I'm not Tech Sergeant Chen. I'm Fred Kwan. Fred's no good, Jason. You're just going to have to kill it. Fred's no good, Jason. You're just going to have to kill it. Kill it? Fred's no good, Jason. You're Well, I'm open to any suggestions. It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy. It doesn't have any eyes, Tommy. The mouth or the throat ` its vulnerable spot! It's a rock. IT DOESN'T HAVE VULNERABLE SPOTS! I know! You construct a weapon. Look around you. Can you form some sort of rudimentary lathe? A lathe? Get off the line, Guy! Alexander, you're my adviser. Advise me. Alexander, you're my adviser. Advise me. Figure out what it wants. What is its motivation? It's a rock monster. It doesn't have motivation. There's your problem, Jason. You were never serious about the craft. Argh! Fred, can you hear me? Fred, are you there? Argh! Kinda. Kinda. You can do it, Fred. It's up to you. Jason, I'll just mess it up. You did it for four years on the show. Do it now. You did it for four years on the show. Do it now. That was the show. I'm not that guy. Fred, you never forgot a line, you never missed a mark. Argh! (GROANS) Fred, you never forgot a line, you never missed a mark. Argh! (GROANS) It's not me any more, man. It is you, Fred. You just stopped trying. You can do this, Fred. I know in my heart you're going to save my life. You can do this, Fred. I know in my heart you're going to save my life. I am? You can do this, Fred. I know in my heart you're going to save my life. No doubt about it, Fred. Fred? Fred, can you hear me? Fred! Fred? I don't wanna die down here. Digitise me, Fred! Oh, wow. Tech Sergeant Chen! Tech Sergeant Chen! Yeah! I see you managed to get your shirt off. I did it. I did it. Welcome back, Fred. All right. Did we get the beryllium sphere installed? All right. Did we get the beryllium sphere installed? Yes. We are back to full power. Great. Engines and pods? beryllium sphere installed? Great. Engines and pods? Great. Engines and pods? Fully operational. You can drop us off and you can be back to your home planet before supper. Oh, no, sir. We have no reason to go back. Sure you do. Family, friends, come on. Sure you do. Family, friends, come on. We are all that is left. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Sir, I have raised the command deck. Mathesar, meet us up on the command deck. Mathesar? Mathesar? Quellek? Teb, why can't we reach them? Teb, why can't we reach them? FOOTSTEPS APPROACH (GROWLS) THUD! * Argh. Commander. Thank God you're alive. Now you will face justice, Sarris. At every turn you demonstrate the necessity for your extermination. At every turn you demonstrate the necessity for your extermination. Leave him alone. You wish to save the life of this man? You wish to save the life of this man? Yeah. Yes. Then tell me, what does it do, this Omega 13? I don't know what it does. I said I don't know. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) Is it a bomb? (SCREAMS) Is it a bomb? I don't know! (SCREAMS) Is it a bomb? (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) A booby trap? (SCREAMS) A booby trap? I don't know! (SCREAMS) A booby trap? (SCREAMS VERY LOUDLY) (SCREAMS VERY LOUDLY) Tell me! (SCREAMS VERY LOUDLY) Tell me! I don't know! Do you think I'm a fool? That the commander does not know every bolt, every weld in his ship? Prepare a tear harness... for the female. < No! Gwen! Ooh! Let go of me! I'm not the commander. What did you say? What did you say? I said I'm not the commander. Leave them alone. There's no reason to hurt them. They know nothing. Leave them alone. There's no reason to hurt them. They know nothing. Explain. Gwen, show 'em the historical documents. Computer, show the historical documents of the Galaxy Quest missions. GALAXY QUEST THEME PLAYS (LAUGHS QUIETLY) (LAUGHS) > Wonderful. You have all done far greater damage than I ever could have. Bravo... (LAUGHS) Bravo. This is a moment I will treasure. Explain to him who you all really are. Tell him! Explain! Mathesar, there's no such person as Captain Taggart. My name is Jason Nesmith. I am an actor. We're all actors. He doesn't understand. Explain as you would a child. We, uh... We pretended. We lied. (GROANS SOFTLY) (GROANS SOFTLY) Yes, you understand that, don't you, Mathesar? Mathesar, I'm not the Commander. There's no National Space Exploration Administration. We don't have a ship. But there it is. That... That ship is that big. But inside I've seen many rooms. You've seen plywood sets that look like the inside. Our beryllium sphere is wire with plaster around it. And our digital conveyor is, uh... Christmas-tree lights. It's a decoration. It's all fake. Just like me. WHISPERS: But why? It's difficult to explain. On our planet, we, uh... We pretend to... to entertain. Mathesar, I am so sorry. God, I am so sorry. (CHOKES) So, now you know. > Lieutenant Lathe, hard-wire the reactor core to overload. I would like to blow this troublesome vehicle to dust. I would like to blow this troublesome vehicle to dust. Sarris, what about my people? Yes, far too simple a death for them, isn't it? Lathe, open an oxygen seal on level C. Let the air in a bit for our friends. Son of a` Ugh! (GROANS) Release them... into space. COMPUTER: Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in nine minutes. Hey! Where's the happy ending, Jason? Never give up, never surrender. Maybe it's about time you backed off, you fin-headed monstrosity. Jason. > You what? You're starting to act like you did in episode 17, you scene-stealing hack. Ohhh, right! Well, how does it feel, Jason? Was it worth it? You've murdered us all! Shut up. Shut up. Hundreds to die just because of you! I told you to shut up! I told you to shut up! Both of you, get in there. I told you to shut up! Both of you, get in there. Hundreds to die... just because you want to play at being commander, you raving lunatic? just because you want to play at being commander, you raving lunatic? I'll see you in hell, won't I? GRUNTING SMACK! WHUMP! SMACK! THWACK! Look out, Jason. Get his gun! Get the gun! Argh! Sorry. The door's a little sticky. Did you see that? I'll get one of my boys up here with a can of WD-40. You used to pull your punches. You used to pull your punches. Scene-stealing hack? Thank you. Raving egomaniac? Raving egomaniac? I wonder where I got that from (!) Raving egomaniac? I wonder where I got that from (!) Hey, guys. Look. > They're suffocating. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in eight minutes. General. Your transport is ready for departure. Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in seven minutes. Computer, shut down the core. Computer, shut down the core. Unable. Memory checksum invalid. Core-systems hardware damaged. This is what we're gonna do. Gwen and I are going to shut down the core manually. Fred, Guy, Laliari, shut off that valve before they run out of air. Alexander, wedge the door open in case they fail. Jason, what about me? What do I do? Jason, what about me? What do I do? You've gotta practise driving. Let's go. Practise driving. * So, we've got to shut down a neutron reactor. So, we've got to shut down a neutron reactor. That's right. So, we've got to shut Jason, I'm afraid I don't know how to shut down a neutron reactor... and unless you took a course I don't know about I'm pretty sure you don't know either. No, I don't, but I know someone who does. KNOCK ON DOOR Brandon, honey ` the garbage. Brandon, honey ` the garbage. Oh, mother, I'm quite busy. Brandon, don't make me ask you again. Just 10 more minutes, OK, Ma? I promise. DOOR CLOSES BEEP! BEEP! JASON: Hello? Anybody there? Hello? Hello? Hello? Got him. Listen to me. This is Jason Nesmith. I play Commander Peter Quincy Taggart of NSEA Protector. We switched voxes the other day when we bumped into each other. We switched voxes the other day when we bumped into each other. Oh. Oh, Commander, I see. OK. OK. What's your name, son? Brandon. I remember you, from the convention, right? You asked all those technical questions about the ship. And I was a little short with you. And I was a little short with you. Yes, yes, I know, Commander. I just wanted to tell you that I thought a lot about what you said` It's OK. Now, listen. It's OK. Now, listen. But I want you to know that I'm not a complete brain case, OK? I understand completely that it's just a TV show. Hold it` Hold it` There's no beryllium sphere,... ...no ship. ...no ship. It's all real. ...no ship. I knew it. I knew it! (LAUGHS) Oh my God, I knew it. I knew it. I knew it! (LAUGHS) The crew and I are in a lot of trouble and we need your help. Core overload. Emergency shutdown overridden. Core implosion estimated in six minutes. WHOOP! WHOOP! (GASPS) Sir, it's you. Thank Ipthar! Quellek? What are you doing up there? I avoided capture by using your Mak'tar stealth haze. Where is everyone? Come with me. I'll explain on the way. We're at level C, hallway five. We're at level C, hallway five. Um. Go to weapons storage, your second left through the passage. That leads to a system of utility corridors in the bowels of the ship. That leads to a system of utility corridors in the bowels of the ship. Open. I'm going to get Kyle. He knows the utility tunnel system better than anybody alive. That leads to a system of utility corridors in the bowels of the ship. I'm going to get Kyle. He knows the utility tunnel system better than anybody alive. ...38, 39, 40! All we have to do is turn off the valve to the barracks. Hi, Brandon. No time for pleasantries. We have a level-5 emergency. Hi, Brandon. No time for pleasantries. We have a level-5 emergency. You've still got the utility-systems walk-through, right? You've still got the utility-systems walk-through, right? Sectors 1 through 28. You've still got the utility-systems walk-through, right? I think Hollister has the upper levels. I think Hollister has the upper levels. Great. Get everybody online. TV LAREDO: Pedal to the metal, Commander. TV LAREDO: Pedal to the metal, Commander. Pedal to the metal, Commander. General! I have just received word that the commander of the Protector and his command crew have escaped. What?! What?! SPLAT! Find them! But, sir, my men. The core implosion is not reversible. But, sir, my men. The core implosion is not reversible. FIND THEM! Brandon, I see five ducts in this room. Which way do we go? Enter the passage second to your left and continue straight for 50m. Ducts. Why is it always ducts? Ducts. Why is it always ducts? Uh, there will be a slight drop. Uh! Uh! Ah! Thanks for the heads-up, Brandon (!) Are you OK? < They're dying. Wait a minute. We've gotta go across this thing? Wait a minute. We've gotta go across this thing? Yes. Don't look down. gotta go across this thing? Don't look down. What I'd give to see what you're seeing. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? You're deep in the underbelly of the Omega 13. It must be amazing. Well, it doesn't look like much to me. It's just these few walls and this dumb spinning fan that we have in every single epi... Wow. Brandon, what does the Omega 13 device do? Uh, many will have you believe that it's a matter collapser: a bomb capable of destroying pretty much everything in 13 seconds. But myself and others are convinced that it's a matter rearranger,... effecting a 13-second time jump to the past. Why 13 seconds? That's not enough time to do anything of any importance. It'd be time to redeem a single mistake. It'd be time to redeem a single mistake. What? Go, go, go! We've got to turn off that valve. Their oxygen's almost gone. I'll go in. I'll create a distraction. I got this. I'm OK. I can hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape. I can hold them back long enough for the aliens to escape. It's suicide. I'm just a glorified extra, Fred. I'm a dead man anyway. If I'm going to die, I'd rather be a hero. Guy, maybe you're the plucky comic relief. You ever think about that? Plucky? Plucky? Oh, besides... (GIGGLES) I just had this really interesting idea. Are you stoned? We've gotta get it open and give them some time. Sir, perhaps together ` the Mak'tar chant of strength. Larak tarath. Larak tarath. BOTH: Larak tarath. Larak tarath. Larak tarath. Larak tarath. Larak tarath. Larak... AIR HISSES (GRUNTS) All right, Brandon, we're across. Now what? All right, Brandon, we're across. Now what? You want to take a left... All right, Brandon, we're across. Now what? on through the chompers. The chompers? CHOMPERS CLANG Well, screw that! How are we supposed to get through this? How are we supposed to get through this? Do you have the sequence? OK. The sequence is two, two, four, two, two, two, four, two... What is this thing? It serves no useful purpose for there to be crushy things in a hallway. No, we shouldn't have to do this. It makes no logical sense. Why is it here?! Cos it's on the television show. Cos it's on the television show. Well, forget it! I'm not doing it! This episode was badly written! Commander, as soon as the first crusher hits, tell me. It just did. It just did. OK, go now! Go! Go! (SCREAMS) Go! Go. Stop. Go. Go. Wait a minute. Come on, come on. Go. Go. Go. Stop. Stop. Go. Stop. Brace yourself, Commander. Jump! Whoever wrote this episode should die! This should be interesting. ROCK CREATURE GROWLS YELLING YELLING It's the simple things in life you treasure. We'd better get the... Ah. (LAUGHS) Hey, get a room, guys. Um. Whoa. Hey, Fred. Hey, Fred. Um. Oh, that's not right! * Sir, the pressure, it's normalising! All right! We're saved. He has saved us! Commander Taggart has saved us! CHEERING ALL: Hooray for Taggart! It's just not fair. All right, Quellek. Let's get back to the Commander. All right, Quellek. Let's get back to the Commander. LASER BLASTS I'm... I'm shot. Quellek? That's not too bad. We'll get you to the medical quarters and you'll be fine. It has been my greatest honour to serve with you. I have been blessed, sir. I... Don't speak, Quellek. You'll forgive my impertinence, sir, but even though we'd never before met,... I always considered you as a father to me. Quellek,... by Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warvan,... you shall be... avenged. (ROARS) 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. All right, Brandon, I'm here. How do I shut this thing down? All right, Brandon, I'm here. How do I shut this thing down? Push the blue button. All right, Brandon, I'm here. The blue button. Is that it? All right, Brandon, I'm here. The blue button. Is that it? Yeah, why? What's wrong? Nothing. I just thought it would be more complicated than that. COMPUTER: Core implosion estimated in 20 seconds. Heh. Brandon, it's not working. Brandon? Mother, I can't stress enough the severity` Mother, I can't stress enough the severity` Don't forget the recyclables! Core implosion estimated in 10 seconds. (COUNTS DOWN) (COUNTS DOWN) Gwen, I... WHISPERS: I've always... WHISPERS: I've always... Jason. Oh, Jason. 3, 2, 1. It always stops at 1 on the show. It always stops at 1 on the show. (LAUGHS) Sir! Sir! What? The core-detonation sequence on the Protector has been aborted. The core-detonation sequence on the Protector has been aborted. Impossible! Impossible! The core-detonation sequence on the Protector has been aborted. Lock a complement of implosion missiles on to the Protector. Tear her apart! LASER FIRE BLASTS Look out. Look out. (YELLS) (YELLS) You've finished. You've finished. Alexander, listen to me. It's OK. It's OK. The Thermians can handle it from here. We've gotta go. The Thermians can handle it from here. We've gotta go. THERMIANS YELL We need that armour back-up. Get me a forward view right now. We need that armour back-up. Get me a forward view right now. Plasma armour engaged. All right, Tommy. See if you can't lose them in that minefield. All right, Tommy. See if you can't lose them in that minefield. The mi`minefield? All right, Tommy. See if you can't lose them in that minefield. Pedal to the metal, right now. Pedal to the metal! Pedal to the metal, right now. Pedal to the metal! All right, let's go! Good going, Tommy. Great going. Thrust ahead, full! Into the field! Go! < Tommy, can you get us closer to these mines? < Tommy, can you get us closer to these mines? Closer?! I can try. General, I've lost them. The magnetism of the minefield is disrupting our instruments. Wait, I see something. Yes, yes. There they are. Get back on their tail. Get back on their tail. I can't, sir. > Because they're coming right at us. Because they're coming right at us. Fire at will. BOOM! Whoo! > Whoo! > We're getting hammered, Jason! Return fire? Return fire? No! Divert all energy to the armour! How adorable (!) The actors are going to play war with me. Sarris' ship accelerating toward us at Mach 2. Sarris' ship accelerating toward us at Mach 2. Accelerate to Mach 4. Let me remind you, sonny,... I am a general. If you are counting on me to blink, then you are making a deadly mistake Well, let me tell you something, Sarris: it doesn't take a great actor to recognise a bad one. You're sweating. Armour almost gone, Jason. You fool. You fail to realise that with your armour gone, my ship will tear through yours like tissue paper And what you fail to realise is my ship is dragging mines. No! Turn! Turn! BOOM! ALL CHEER Yes! Yes! Mathesar. God, you're alive. Come here. The ship was a model as big as this. A very clever deception indeed... (LAUGHS UNUSUALLY) (LAUGHS UNUSUALLY) THERMIANS APPLAUD Set a course for home, Commander? Set a course for home, Commander? Can you do that? It's just point and click. We'll have to go through the black hole. It's just point and click. We'll have to go through the black hole. Any objections? All right. Set her up. What's the matter, Mathesar? We were hoping you could come with us. My people have no commander. Mathesar, I think your people have a great commander. All right, Tommy. Take us into the black hole. GWEN: We're out! We're going home. COMPUTER: Systems register functional. COMPUTER: Systems register functional. All systems are working. Jason, before the black hole, there was an energy surge from Sarris' ship. Let's not worry about that now. Fred, what are you doing up here? Shouldn't you be downstairs until we...? Hey. You could put an eye out with that thing. Fred? ZAP! ZAP! Ugh. ZAP! ZAP! Argh! No! No! ZAP! ZAP! Mathesar! Activate the Omega 13! GWEN: We're out! We're going home. COMPUTER: Systems register functional. COMPUTER: Systems register functional. All systems are working. Jason, before the black hole, there was an energy surge from Sarris' ship. PUNCHES SMACK PUNCHES SMACK Jason, what are you doing?! What are you doing? Let go of me. It's not Fred. That's Sarris. Listen to me! I'm telling you, it's not Fred. That's Sarris! He'll kill us! I'm telling you, it's not Fred. That's Sarris! He'll kill us! (ROARS) Ugh! SMACK! WHUMP! Never give up, never surrender. Jason? Jason! I can't slow it down! The ship is too big to enter the atmosphere. We need to separate or we'll die. We've gotta do it. It's our only hope, Mathesar. Thank you. Crew to the secondary deck. Mathesar. Goodbye, my friends. Fred, get up to command deck. We're separating. Ah. On, Teb. On. TV: This is the third day of the Galaxy Con and Jason Nesmith and his entire crew are no-shows... here at the big event, much to the disappointment... Bye. Be back soon. Where are you going with those fireworks? The Protector got super-accelerated out of the black hole and it's nailed the atmosphere at Mach 15. You know, that's pretty unstable, obviously, so we're going to help Laredo guide it... and use Roman candles for visual confirmation. and use Roman candles for visual confirmation. All right. Dinner's at 7. Well, he's outside. Hm. CRASH! CRASH! SCREAMING (COUGHS) (COUGHS) APPLAUSE Lieutenant Laredo, Tommy Webber! APPLAUSE Hi, Tommy. The beautiful Tawny Madison, Gwen DeMarco! Yes! Yes! Wow, what effects! Another shipmate! Yes, the more the merrier. > The ship's Tech Sergeant Chen, Fred Kwan, and... a friend. > Doctor Lazarus, Alexander Dane! > Give a big hand, he's British! > Yes, sir. Commander Peter Quincy Taggart, Jason Nesmith! > Great driving, Tommy. Great driving, Tommy. Yeah! Yes! TOY GUNS POP Quick, quick! Move, move, move! LOUD CHEERING! Mr Jason Nesmith! > Come on! Give it up for the crew of the NSEA Protector! Ah, true love! > Yes! > Wow! > GIRLS SCREAM Here they are, folks. Give it up! What a show! > Yes! > Give it up! Give it all up for the crew of your favourite show, Galaxy Quest! > Wow! > Come on. Come on! Don't forget to buy the Galaxy Quest T-shirts on your way out. Thank you. Whoo! And now, back again after 18 years, the new adventures of Galaxy Quest. Captions by Ryan Sproull. Edited by Christine Ody. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019