FUNKY VERSION OF '20TH CENTURY-FOX' THEME PLAYS FIRST OLD MAN: You keep asking me what I am. I'm Presbyterian. 2ND OLD MAN: Presbyterian? That's the whitest thing you can be. 2ND OLD MAN: Presbyterian? That's the whitest thing you can be. No, no, no. It is not, man. Presbyterians are called God's frozen people. Wouldn't swing if you hung 'em! LAUGHTER SCAT HARMONY # Just a closer walk with thee,... SCAT HARMONY # Grant it, Jesus, if you please. # Daily walking close with thee,... # Let is be, dear Lord,.. # Let it be. # I am weak, but thou art strong. # Jesus, keep us from all wrong. # I'll be satisfied, as long... # As I walk - let me walk - close to thee. SOLO: # Just a closer walk with thee,... # Say, grant it Jesus, if you please. # Daily, walking close with thee. # Let it be, dear Lord, let it be. # Say, I am weak but though art strong. # Jesus, keep us from all wrong. # I'll be satisfied, as long... # As I walk, dear Lord, close to thee. WITH TIGHTER HARMONY # Just a closer walk with thee,... # Grant it Jesus, if you please,... # Daily walking close with thee,... # Let it be,... Dear Lord,... # Let - it - be. # LONG FINAL SCAT SEQUENCE Ha ha! Whoa! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh! Guys, is this the Venice Beach court? Is this the only one. You haven't put anything in the offering plate. You haven't put anything in the offering plate. Oh, oh yeah, sorry man, right. $50 be all right? I'm just kidding. Here you go. See? I said he was a generous man. This where Eddie 'The King' Farook and Duck Johnson played? King and Duck owned these courts. They were the best ever played here. That's cos you never saw me. Keep singing, guys. My old man was a preacher. I love this shit. He put $1 in. What shall we do? Give him $1 worth? Give him $1 worth? OK. ALL: HUM IN HARMONY HUMMING FADES SOUND OF EXCITED SHOUTING BUILDS FUNKY RAP BEAT PLAYS BASKETBALL PLAYERS SHOUT All right! BASKETBALL PLAYERS CALL TO EACH OTHER Man, look at that! Walter, why don't you throw that big, fat butt at me? I'm tired of making you look bad. It's hard goddamned work making you look so bad! I'm fitting to dog you, punk! It's hard work making you look bad. Man! Gimme the ball! Man! Gimme the ball! Walter, you got the pill. Whatcha gonna do? You gonna shoot it? You ain't good enough. You think so? You think so? I KNOW so! Where you goin'? Where you goin'? Ball! You can't even dribble. You can't even dribble. Ooof! Look at that! Look at that! Bring it! Bring it! Move! Move! Get that shit outta here! Get that shit outta here! Ooh-hoo-hoo! Huh! That shit went up like a Scud missile! Oh, it hurts! Oh, it hurts! It hurts so bad! Hey, babies, let me tell you something. I don't mean to brag, but I'm the greatest! You all right, man? I'm all right, man! Get your big butt up and play ball! Take your ass off some place. Walter! Ah-ha! He's sitting on the ground! Yes, Walter. Hard goddamn work making you look so bad. Man, you fouled me! Foul? Foul?! Man, just take the ball out. What's the count? What's the count? 9-8. 9-8, get out of here! It's not 9-8, you dope. Junior, it's 9-8 up. Man, George, your mother's an astronaut. He talking about your mamma, man! He playin' you for a punk. He playin' you and your mamma! I wouldn't take it, man. My mother ain't no astronaut! George! My mother ain't no astronaut! Say it! Your mother ain't no astronaut, your father ain't. Ain't no astronauts. My mamma ain't no astronaut. You understand me, huh? Don't... George, man,... Me saying your mother's an astronaut, is just another way of saying you're messed up. Let's get off mammas, cos I just got off yours. CROWD: Ow! Ouch! Keep my mamma out of this, brother. ALL LAUGH She's out. She's out! Cool. Cool! She's out. Cool. She's out. What time you want me to bring the bitch back? ALL LAUGH Yo! What's the score? TEAM: 9-8 up. What, hey, we can't be losing to you. We lose to you, and I'm gonna go home and kill myself. I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. Fuck you, skinny boy! Fuck this, you fat potato sandwich eater. Fuck this! Hey, why don't you all shut up. You're giving me a headache. Hey, man. What's the score? Chump! I'm talking to you. You deaf or somethin'? I'm talking to the air(!) My name ain't 'Chump'. It's Billy Hoyle. Billy Hoyle. Billy Hoyle! Billy Hoyle. OK, Billy. Now, can you count to 10, Billy? Yeah. Yeah. Good. What's the score, Billy? I don't know. Then you're a chump. I may be a chump. I just said that wasn't my name. GEORGE: He put your ass in! Let's go! > Give him the ball. > Your ball. No, no, it's 9-8. Your ball. See, I don't want no excuses, OK? I call it in. It's your ball. You better call a doctor. It's your ball! Your ball! Take the ball! WOMAN: Sidney! Your woman callin' you, man. Sidney! Your woman callin' you, man! (LAUGHS) Well, at least I got one! What was you talkin' about mothers? Your mamma's so poor, she was kicking a can. I said, 'What you doin'?' She said, 'Movin'.' Your mamma's so old she drove chariots to school! Your mamma's so fat, when her leg broke, gravy poured out! Hey, baby. Hi, honey. I was buying groceries and the cheque didn't clear and I didn't have any cash. Baby, I'm sorry about that. Hey...$20 will do? Mm-hm, but $30 would be better. You hustling me? Yes. You're the only one who gets away with that. I got some things working over here. We'll be all right. All right. Yo, man, I gotta go. Daddy's going to work. They're trying to cheat me. Say bye-bye. Told your mamma to act her age - the bitch dropped dead! Your mamma's got a wig with sideburns! Your mamma's teeth are so yellow she can butter bread! Shut up, both y'all! Save your breath, man. You need all your energy. Let's go. I can't run, man. What?! My bunion's hurtin'. Get somebody to step in. Come here, baby. That's all right. You're still my hero. That's it, baby. Wait a minute. Hold on. Can anybody stand in for Mr Handicap? Hey, man! Take Billy Hoyle. No, man. I don't want him. You ain't seen him play. He might be good. I'm not goin' with it. Why not? 'Cause I'm white. 'Cause he's white. 'Cause he IS white. Look! It won't make no difference. You could bring Bernard King in - we'd still win! BOTH: Swish! Swish! Let's go, Billy Hoyle. Let's go! Let's go! No, no, no. Ain't no need for that Jane Fonda geriatric bullshit. You just come out here and play. Two quick ones - BAM! BAM! - it's over. See ya. Wouldn't want to be ya. Y'all got a new team-mate. Kiss your game goodbye. Billy, maybe I'll do some of that shit too. Huh? You loose now? You loose? All right, let's play ball. I'll teach you something. I got it! Hey, man, get outta here! Billy, tell you what. What you want, Billy? Come with me, come with me. Billy, I'll tell you something. Huh? Huh? Aaaaah! Watch out, man! Watch out! Oh! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, man! I see, you're a hustler, huh? What you want? I'll catch you. Where you goin'? Go, Billy! Go! This is MY corner! Oh! Oooh! Ow! What is that? Get down! Get down! (Other players shout) Get down! PLAYERS WHOOP AND CHEER Yeah, baby! > Luck. Pure luck. I believe the score is 9-8 ours. OTHERS: Yeah! Yeah! Check it out. Ball in. OK, chump. Look, the sun even shines on a dog's ass some days. Anybody can win the lottery. Know what I'm saying? Give it up, give it up. You want it back now? PLAYERS SHOUT TO EACH OTHER ALL: Whoa-ho! Yeah! ALL: Whoa-ho! Yeah! Get outta the way! Hey, watch it! Right on, man! Yo! Your mamma's an astronaut. No! My mother was too drunk to be an astronaut! You remind me of one of them dudes from 'The Brady Bunch'. You look like that girl Cindy. The blonde one. You look like that girl Cindy. The blonde one. Yeah! That's the one. You look like that girl Cindy. The blonde one. SINGS: # The youngest one in curls! # SINGS: # The youngest one in curls! # Why you laughin', man? SINGS: # The youngest one in curls! # Call me 'Brady Bunch'! This guy's too stupid to even realise he's being insulted. Sidney, get off the court. You lost, brother. Ease back, fat-man. Give me a second with Mr Brady Bunch. You might pull some passes out your ass, but that don't mean you can play this game. Oh, you're right, Sidney. You ain't seen me shoot. Maybe I can't shoot. What's it worth to you to find out though? Ho! What have we got here? Money. $50...$55... $62. Do you see that? I do detect the smell of...cash. In the air. I wanna find out how good you are, chump. Chump? Chump?! That's your...that's your money. My only problem now is figuring how I'll pull the ball out your ass when I take your money. Ow! And that is his money. Money talks. That's his money. $20, $40, $41... Well, you're short. Uh-uh-uh! Junior, come here, man. What? Lend me $20. Come on! Do I look like a bank? You always do this to me. You think I'm going to lose this money to this white boy here? You better not lose my money to this white boy. He's a visitor. We don't- This thing is a Black thing. This thing is a Black thing. OK, OK. You give me $20 so I can run this. This thing is a Black thing. You give me $20 so I can run this. You give me $20 so I can run this. And we're going to eat at Sizzlers? I'm the bank. I'm the bank. And that is his money, right? That is HIS money. Let's go, baby. Best out of five. And since you're the foreigner, since you're the foreigner, you can go first. No, Sidney, thank you. You go ahead, man. No. See, this is MY house. This is Sidney Deane's house. Since I'm the host, I extend my hospitality to you. That's very gracious, but I don't want your hospitality. I won't take advantage of you in your house. You go ahead. OK. But you mightn't get another shot. All right, if you insist. Outdoor ball's no different to the country club. When you shoot, you gotta adjust for the wind. Because at the beach, baby, the wind can push the ball left or right 6-8 inches. But you wouldn't know nothin' about that. But you wouldn't know nothin' about that. (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) You want me to move? I'm sorry. Show time. Go ahead. I gotta tell you, this is really not my spot. I'll be lucky to hit two out of five. I'll shoot it anyway. ALL CHEER Oh, man! Right off the bat. Like that, man! I am feelin' lucky. Man wants to get paid. Man wants to get paid. CROWD: SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT ALL CHEER Whoo-hoo! It's pretty. It's so pretty. SINGS: # We goin' Sizzler We goin' Sizzler... # Put it here! # We goin' Sizzler. # I never hit two in a row. ALL EXCLAIM I'm very lucky. Yeah. Feelin' very lucky. Ugly shot, ugly shot. Looked like a goddamn brick. No aesthetic beauty whatsoever. Now mine, on the contrary... ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD (BLUBBERS) Oh, it hurts being this good! 'A thing of beauty is a joy forever.' My man John Keats said that. John Keats - my man. You know that? Yeah. I never hit three in a row, I tell you. Never in my life. ALL EXCLAIM Colour me lucky, man. I mean, sometimes you wake up, the birds are singing and... That was a decent shot. Excellent. That was a decent shot. Excellent. OTHERS CHEER AND CLAP You are the greatest, Sidney. Thank you! But I'm feelin' so lucky. ALL EXCLAIM Oh! Four in a row! You know something? The luck of the Irish, only I'm not. So you figure it out. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Come on, Sidney. Don't worry. I got this under control. This sucker's mine. You know, Michael Jordan came to the beach once. Took me to a hole. Michael Jordan took me to a hole. I saw it! He said, 'Hey, you should play summer Pro League.' I said no. Hell, no! Shit might- Shit might- Fuck up his game and we won't have it, Billy Hoyle. Come, shoot this one. Let's go to Sizzlers, Daddy. ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD Why don't we just leave it up there? Give me something. Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh, Oh. Oh, shit! (LAUGHS) Oh, it is hard goddamn work being this good! Shut up. Rabbit Ears, am I getting to you? Sidney, you ain't getting to me, you're just making my ears hurt. See, the thing is, you look at me, and say 'this guy's a chump', am I right? Yeah. A fucking geek. Yeah. A fucking geek. Exactly. What you don't realise is that it ain't easy. It is 'hard goddamn work'... making something this 'pretty' look like a chump. So I must do it for a reason. You got me convinced, whatever the reason. Fact is, I miss this shot - I walk away and I'm still a chump. Go ahead and walk away, you... Go ahead and walk away, you... ALL EXCLAIM But you miss and you've been beat, well, not once, but...twice! By a slow, white, geeky chump! Ain't no thing. Ain't no thing. Sidney. No thing but a chicken wing on a string... And Burger King. Sidney. That wind's kicking up a bit. You might wanna adjust about... 6-8 inches to the left. 6-8 inches to the left. GEORGE: This is the big one. All the money. Sidney, I've hustled a helluva lot better players than you before. (CHUCKLES) Don't put up no brick. < Would you stop yappin' and let brother shoot? ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT Yeah, I got it. It's in the wrist. It's in the wrist. Ha ha... ALL EXCLAIM A brick! Shit! Give me my money, man! Hey, hey, hey! Here, brother. There's a man with integrity. Don't push your luck, man. Got nothin' to do with luck. You said we was going to Sizzler! Oh, man, shut your anorexic, malnutrition, tapeworm heaven, overdose, Dick Gregory, buy-me-a-diet-drinking ass up. Leave me alone! JAMES BROWN SINGS # I feel good! # I knew that I would now. # I feel good! # I knew that I would, now. # So good! So good! # I got you! # I feel nice. Like sugar and spice. # I feel nice. Like sugar and spice. # So nice, so nice,... # Cos I got you! # Honey! I'm home! How much money did you make today? Well, I missed you too. I'm sorry, honey. $62 minus $5.16 for a humus tabouli garden burger - all that stuff you love - pita bread. Honey, I don't eat that health food... You're gonna eat it and you're gonna love it. I'll let you get away with it since you got money today. Let's see, that makes... $58.84 which gives us $806 towards the $8,000. We still owe the Stucci brothers $7,194. Don't give them a dime. They're holdin' you up. Billy, how many times do we have to go through this? In life, certain things just ARE,... and nothing's going to get rid of the Stucci brothers except another $7,000. What's the deal with this? Oh, come on. I've been studying all day. I did fires, earthquakes... I was on a disaster kick today. And assassinations. Come on. Try me. Go ahead. All right. Leon Czolosz. Who killed President McKinley? You're unbelievable. I know it. 'Jeopardy's going to call today. I can feel it. Don't count on it and you won't be disappointed. Check this out, the last words of Lee Harvey Oswald - "It wasn't me. It was the CIaaa..." No. Get it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. I got it. Ruby's over here and... Honey, honey. How much do you love me? I love you infinity. That's not enough. Infinity's the biggest number there is. No, it's not. Tell me one bigger. Infinity plus two. I love you infinity plus two. Oh, Billy, you're so stupid! You should have said, 'I love you infinity plus infinity.' You should have said, 'I love you infinity plus infinity.' I love you infinity plus infinity. There's a bigger number than that. I give up. You haven't kissed me yet. (GIGGLES) Take a shower. You stink. Go ahead, you stink! All right. (Sighs) Wait right there. Don't move. Hold that thought. I'm going to come back and put my mouth where this money is. (LAUGHS) (SINGS) KNOCK AT DOOR Billy! Billy, there's somebody at the door. (KEEPS SINGING) Billy! Billy, somebody's at the door, someone's at the door! Billy, somebody's at the door, someone's at the door! All right, all right. Stay calm. Hurry up, hurry up! Honey, I love you, but I ain't getting shot over your debt. Honey, I love you, but I ain't getting shot over your debt. MY debt? OUR debt. Honey, I love you, but I ain't Whosoever debt, I ain't getting shot for nobody! Just stay calm. If you don't here from me in 30 seconds, jump out the window. I'll meet you at The Dins on Peak, OK? Honey, I love you. Honey, I love you. I love you, too. Who is it? < It's the manager. What do you want? I got a message for you. Brady Bunch! A thousand ten, a thousand eleven, a thousand twelve a thousand thirteen... Did somebody invite you in, man? Huh? Yo, man. I just wanna talk. ..a thousand twenty nine, thirty. How did you find me? No-one's ever worked on me like you did at the beach. I beat your ass fair and square. You beat me, I don't cry about it. I'm not here to cry. I'm here on business. You said 30 seconds! I almost took off! Sorry. Who's this? Sidney Deane. So? Right on. Your boyfriend took money from me today and I noticed this bottle... You take that shit, I'll shoot your ass. Baby, you need to chill with the caffeine, all right? Excuse me? Holy cow! Are you comfortable? Yeah, but a futon's actually better for your back. So, Billy. Where'd you play, man? Some college in Louisiana. Things didn't work out. And you been hustlin' since? Nobody knows me in California. I figured I could work the courts. Nobody knows me in California. I figured I could work the courts. I have a proposal. Nobody knows me in California. I figured I could work the courts. It could mean a lot more cash than this chump change. What is it? There's a two-on-two tournament next week, with business sponsors. You want me to run with you? Yep. In the meantime, we could make some extra change, if you don't mind hustling, which you don't. What kind of hustle? (LAUGHS) Ball, up! You ain't got shit. You ain't got nothing... Ball! Ball! > Hey! Watch it! Look up, look up! Look up, look up! Goddam! I'm getting tired of making you look bad, man. It's hard work making you look so bad. I just wanted you to know. I just wanted you to know. Who told you to talk? You score on me, you can talk. But you ain't shit. You shut up. You took me to the hole. Why? Because I let you. No. I take you anywhere, any time. I'll have you for breakfast. Really? Who let you out of your cage? You're talking a whole lot of yang, for having got busty. I'll tell you what. I'll pick any player. I'll pick the worst player here. For $500. Excuse me? E-e-e-Excuse me? I'll let you pick my team-mate. How's that. I don't believe it. OK, serious, man, I don't believe this shit. I don't believe it. OK, serious, man, I don't believe this shit. Come on. I don't believe it. OK, serious, man, I don't believe this shit. Anyone. Anyone you want. $500 baby, and you can pick anybody out here. Anybody! ANYBODY! I don't believe this. I don't believe it. Raymond, man, look at the chump. Give him the chump. No, hell no. See, white boys don't count. You have to give me a brother. No, you got him. The goofy-looking guy. Me? Yeah, you. Hey, chump. Do you want to run? You mean play basketball? No! We mean ice hockey. Get your tired butt up here, Gretzky. Where's your money? I'll get it. What, you trying to set me up? I got my $500 right here. Where's yours? Look, I said I'll get it. Lemme go to the glove compartment. Good, go. Then bring your sasquatch butt back. I've got a hot hand. Shoot, I got your back, Raymond. What the hell is this? What the hell is the world coming to? Look at this. I ain't got nothin' to worry about, except Cathy Rigby over here. Shit! Where is his car, man? Hey! Gimme your money. Raymond, is that you? IN A HIGH VOICE:No, this ain't Raymond. Take off that goddam mask and put down that gun. Shit! What you tryin' to do? I got me two chumps over at the park. Loan me some money, man. Get out of here! Hey, man. You need a good gun. There are some crazies around. Gimme $300 for it. I'll give you $200. Come on, man - $275. $250. All right, all right. But now YOU robbing me. HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS I got $250, man. Come on. No, see, I said $500. Hey, $250 - take it or leave it, baby. ALL TALK AT ONCE Come on, let's go! Little man like me can make a big man like you look bad. Little man like me can make a big man like you look bad. Your big mouth's got you in trouble. Little man like me can make If I was you, I'd kill myself. Come on. HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS Oh, lovely! Lovely! What d'you say your name is? Billy Hoyle. Sweet pass. Stay on your feet, man. Shit! Come on. Can't run away, my ass! Come on, shoot the ball. Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. Stay on your feet. Oh, man, travel, travel! Shit! Point game! Point game - one more point, man, we win this. $500. Point game, all right? I understand. You gonna teach class or play basketball? I been teaching you all day. Takin' you right to the clinic, baby. Come on. Check. Check this. You're too stupid to even catch the ball. Haaaa! Haaaa! Gimme my money! Shit. Hard goddamn work! Baby, you guys played a good game. You guy played a really good game. You dead, man! Take it easy! Hard goddamn work! ALL SHOUT You gonna cut me... Hey! You set me up! Look, Raymond, Raymond. I seen you hustle, man. Hey, I ain't never used no goofy, white guy like that. Hey, who you calling goofy white guy? You! You goofy white All right, all right! This is ridiculous, man. Look, Raymond, we are brothers, man. I swear to God, man, I've never seen this white boy before. Sidney, he's got a blade. You got a wife and kid. You know my name? How come he's talkin' about your family? What?! Wait a minute! You talkin' about my wife and kid, and you don't know me?! Raymond, Raymond, cut this guy! Nah, fuck this. BOTH of you are crazy. I'm going to my car, get my other gun, shoot everybody's ass. WOMAN: Raymond. Raymond! Raymond! Oh, shit! Raymond! Shit. Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on, man, come on! Come on! ENGINE STARTS Come on, come on! Go, go! We took Raymond to the hole, baby. Boo yah! Whoa! You know what, nobody's done that around here since... the King and Duck Johnson. King and Duck! King and the Duck! 'PURPLE HAZE' BY THE JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE PLAYS 'PURPLE HAZE' BY THE JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE PLAYS Hey, what is this? 'PURPLE HAZE' BY THE JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE PLAYS Jimi Hendrix. I know. Why are YOU playing Jimi? I like to listen to him. You like to listen? That's what the fucking problem is. You all LISTEN. Well, what am I supposed to do? Eat it? (LAUGHS) No, No, you're supposed to HEAR it. I said - I like to listen to him. No, no, there's a difference between hearing and listening. White people, y'all can't hear Jimi. You listen. What the fuck are you talking about? His drummer was white. Ohhh! (LAUGHS) Get the fuck out of here. Jimi Hendrix's drummer was not white. Get the fuck out of here. Jimi Hendrix's drummer was not white. Yes, indeed. Get the fuck out of here. Jimi Hendrix's drummer was not white. Yo. Check it out. See? This is a picture! Whole damn band is white except for Jimi! Airbrushed bullshit! Jimi Hendrix didn't have a white rhythm section. You can not hear Jimi! All right, fuck it. All right, fuck it. MUSIC STOPS All right, fuck it. MUSIC STOPS All right. Thank you. Check this out. SLOW COUNTRY SONG: # He said I'll love you till I die... # Who is this? This is the greatest troubadour of all time, this is. Troubadour? Sounds like a dog or something. No, that's a Labrador, man! Don't insult this music. Take this shit out. You're LISTENING to this, not HEARING it. I don't want to listen or hear this pollution to my ears. Gloria, explain to this Gladys Knight and the Pimps... Pips! Gladys Knight and the Pips! Put Jimi back in. I don't like this shit. You're supposed to be defending me. Who you yellin' at? Get rid of this gum. I'm tired of hearing that gum pop! SONG: # He still loved you through it all. # Tell this bubblehead to turn right. Might get shot playing this shit south of the Coliseum. Let me off at Trump Towers. Penthouse is in the back. Vista View - flyest view in the jungle. Home sweet home. You know it, baby. That was a good run today, man. Good run. Excellent. With some of that money you can get this shit washed. Hey, man, this is one classic automobile. Mm-hmm. You got a fine woman there, man. Hey, you keep your hands off her. What's the matter with you? I said she was fine. I didn't say I was gonna touch her. You touch her and I'll kick your ass. Ho ho ho. Looky, looky, looky. Now it's all starting to come clear, isn't it? Good. You a real cool customer on the court. Real chill out there on the street. Can't be rattled in your game. You don't even fall for that nigger shit on the court. But when it comes to your woman, now that's a different matter. Look at you. You already scared. I ain't even push up on the sister and you already thinking about it. Shut the fuck up. This is really good. It's good shit to know. I know your weakness. You're like all the white boys I ever met. You're like every brother on the playground. Kick some shit. You'd rather look good and lose than look bad and win. You don't know shit about me. I know plenty about you, Sidney. How many dinners this chain set your family back? Just go home, get you some rest, OK, Brady Bunch? I ain't tired. 'Bye, Gloria. Oh, goodbye. Nice seeing you again, sister. Same here. I really like these rings too. They're kinda fly. Oh, thank you. Take care. 'Bye. Yo, Billy, tomorrow we going to 103rd Street. We gonna hustle out there, that's Watts. Tough games out there. Big bucks. Mm-hmm. Don't take it personally, baby. We're team-mates - Ebony and Ivory. (LAUGHS) Hey, I got your partner. Yeah, yeah, right. Fuck me. Get your ass across La Brea before sundown. TYRES SCREECH (LAUGHS) * The guy's full of shit. Here. # Well, I sing love. # Oh, love... Will somebody please explain why this negro's singing cowboy music? This is my favourite song. # I sing love... Makes me think about making love to you, makes me want to take you, lock you up in a room and make love to you over and over and over and over and over. Ah...I didn't say I didn't like it. Yeah? Honey, this can't be safe. You know, I believe in safe sex. Honey... # For you to hurt me... I'm taking a shower. Honey, no! Honey, no! No! No, honey! # Well, I want you to know that I... # Was blind,... # But now I see. # I say I once... # Was blind... # But now I see... # Well, you know I once... # Was blind... # But now I see... # That that old love... # Has made a fool of me. # Honey? My mouth is dry. Honey, I'm thirsty. There you go, honey. When I said I was thirsty it doesn't mean I want you to bring me a glass of water. It doesn't? You're missing the whole point of me saying I'm thirsty. If I have a problem, you're not supposed to solve it. Men always make the mistake of thinking they can solve a woman's problem. Makes them feel omnipotent. Omnipotent? Did you have a bad dream? It's a way of controlling a woman. Bringing them a glass of water? Yes. I read it in a magazine. See, if I'm thirsty, I don't want you to bring me a glass of water. I want you to sympathise. I want you to say, 'Gloria, 'I too know what it feels like to be thirsty. 'I too have had a dry mouth.' I want you to connect with me. A little sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouth at least. This is all in the same magazine? (TUTS) You're into control. Shut up. See?! You make me sick. Honey. Don't give me the roll-over, OK? When I say I'm thirsty it means if anybody has some water I'd love a sip. When I say I want to make love it means 'let's screw'. That's exactly what I thought you'd say! Besides, I don't like the word 'screw', OK. I prefer 'make love' or 'fuck'. Screwing is for carpenters. Oh, you're gonna get it. Oh, honey. Oh! Where you going? Anywhere, to get the hell away from you. Psycho. Chiquita nutcase. Come on, honey. Come back! I wanna make love! Honey, come back, I wanna screw! Ah, forget you, then! (TUTS) Piece of shit. Asshole. Look - there he is! Honey! The Stuccis! The Stuccis?! Oh, shit! Hurry! I can't believe it! How did they find us? Honey! All right, all right, all right! I got the money! # If you want to try the front door # That's a door I've never seen. Go, honey! Come on. Come on, honey. Go! Come on. Go! Go! Slow up. Honey, quick! Wait for me! Hurry up! How come you're moving so slow? I'm carrying everything. Want me to carry you too? Faster, faster! TYRES SCREECH We'd shoot you, Billy, but first we want the money! Ain't stopping now, Billy boy. There's no escape! # Dream a little more, baby # Gonna take you for a ride # And I tell you I'm a rich man # Then you tell me that I lie. # Go, go, go! * CHILDREN SING SKIPPING SONG # Mom's in the kitchen cooking rock. Daddy's outside shooting duck # Baby in the cradle fast asleep. Here comes sister with the HRT. # This is a great house. Great house. But it's a little steep right now. Sidney, we gotta talk. Excuse me. Baby, I want this house. Baby, I know. I want it too, but it's expensive. They want first, last, damages... I'll get a job. No, no. Baby, I got lots of jobs. I got the cable thing, the roof thing, I got the paint thing, construction is a little slow right now, but basketball's still putting food on the table. Basketball isn't a real job. Oh, I can't be late. I'm working on this brand-new shot. I'm sure it's a gorgeous shot. But I still want this house. OK? OK. OK? OK? (HUMS OF ACQUIESCENCE) HIP HOP SONG Pass the ball! Foul! Foul! No, no, no, no! All ball! No foul! You got my hand. Your hand isn't part of the ball. You got my wrist. That's part of the hand. Knee-bone's connected to the dick-bone. You fouled Robert. You didn't even see the play! You couldn't carry my jockstrap in a suitcase! What is this? I thought this was Watts! Thought you had ball players here. This ain't jack...shit! You know, I get really tired of looking at your face. Guess your mamma threw you out of the house at an early age. He's talkin' about your mamma. You talking about my mother? No, no, see, nobody talks about my mother. Don't ever talk about my mamma, all right? Me and any guy here take you. How much? (LAUGHS) Oh, my God! Oh, what is this? Oh, my God! Look at this! It's $1,000. Wait a minute - there could be more. Hold on. What do we have here? You rob a 7-Eleven? 11, 12, 13... Is there some more? 14. 15, honey. That your rent money? 16. Ooh. Ooh, I can't believe it. It's coming from everywhere. 17. $1,700, baby. And...we get to pick your partner? Pick any of these stiffs out here. Anybody. $1,700. Don't be talking about my mother, all right? How about my man right here? No. I want that guy. The white boy getting off the train? Yeah, that scraggly looking mother. ALL LAUGH No, no, wait a minute... I got $800. Just cashed my rent cheque. I got $50. I said $1,700. Put up $1,700 or take a walk. Play us for what we got. Play a tune on your bald head! Hold on, man. Hi. How ya doin'? What's up? (SIGHS) Nothin'. You look so good. What's up? I need the diamond. What?! I told you he was no good! You never listen to me. I'll give you two... Robert is a dog. Trust me - we'll go to Zales right after this. Don't talk about my boyfriend. He's a dog, Dee. This ain't no diamond. This is a zircon! Hey. All right, tell you what, seeing this piece of shit is worth $300, right, I'll put my $1,700 against your $1,150, baby. That's a bet! I'll hold it. ALL SHOUT Hey, hey, hey! Wait, wait, wait. I'll hold it. I ain't goin' nowhere. He ain't goin' nowhere - the bakery ain't open. 10-ball - you make it, you take it. That's a bet. Let's do it. Hey! Hey, Martha Graham! Martha Graham! Can you play? Hold, baby. He's mine, he's mine. I got it. Big, man. You know it. Yahoo! Yes! That's what I'm talking about. Go back to Seaworld. You let him back throw you like that? I thought he was gonna pass, man. He... Of course he ain't... Here we go, baby. One more. D up, man. You don't know what D is. Come on. You didn't shoot? He was right on my ass, man. You were wide open. I ain't forcing the shot for $1,700. I got it. Take it, take it! Oh, damn! Yes! Yes! Yeah, baby! Take a shot, man. All right. I'm sorry, man. You OK? I'm all right. Let's go. Let's go. You got it. Give me the ball! 9-8 us, point game. Check the ball. Hey, baby, one more bucket, and me and Ziggy are splitting $1700. That's a bucket you will never see. Yeah, you trying to hustle us, and it still wasn't good enough. Let's go man. Are we going to chit chat or play. Get the fuck out. You still wasn't good enough. You're talking all this shit. Why don't you take me to the hole, then. Take me right there. I practise on people like you. You better practise. Ball, ball, ball, ball. I'm gonna take your money, then your girl. You ain't takin' my girl! Come on, Zeke. Stop holding me! I saw you do it. I saw you hold me. Look at this jump! Fall for y'all! Go back to Seaworld! BOTH: $1,700! Goddamn! LAUGHTER Give me my money. It was so nice to hold it. Ha ha! I'm dead. I am dead. Oh, man. I'm sorry, man. I thought I had it. I'm dead... I'm dog meat. She'll dump me. I feel terrible, man. I had a lousy game. Shit, we're better than those guys! I've beat guys 10 times better! I know, I know. It was my fault. It's nobody's fault. Sometimes the ball didn't go down. Hey, man, you want a ride? No, I'll take the rail. You sure? No, I gotta figure out how to tell Gloria I lost everything we had. And figure out where I'm gonna sleep tonight. Hey, Billy, I'm sorry, man. I mean that - I'm sorry! SLOW SAXOPHONE SOLO PLAYS * 39 is the answer. What is the question? 'How many books in the Old Testament?' I am so fucking good, Honey. 'Jeopardy' call yet? Not yet. But I'll need a nice dress because when they call you gotta go. Wanna hear the books of the Old Testament backwards? No. It's Malachi, Zachariah, Haggai... Honey, please. Oh! And I did famous women. And foods that start with 'Q'. You couldn't possibly imagine how many foods out there actually start with the letter 'Q'. Will you please shut up? What's wrong with you? I lost the money. Oh, Jesus, Billy. Not again. How much? > A lot of it. Most of it. Roughly...all of it. Billy, you lost all our money (?) Shit, Billy. Jesus, man. > $1,700! Billy! We were on our way to $8,000! Were your opponents that good? No. I beat better guys in Brooklyn and Jersey. You weren't hitting your jump shots? I was hitting mine. Well, what about Sidney? He had an off-day, you know. He wasn't shooting that much. This guy was scoring on him, and he wasn't D-ing up - he usually plays good D. You got hustled. I did not get hustled. Honey, you got set up. You got hustled by Sidney. No way. He's a good guy. You said he was full of shit! AND he's a good guy! You're full of shit. And fuck that shit, because I'm going back to that house. I'm getting my money back. No, no. Honey, a man cannot ask for his money back. He lives in the jungle, right? No, Honey, we can't. They don't let white people in the Crenshaw district. I don't know about Puerto Ricans, but it's a reverse discrimination thing. Let's see. We dropped off Sidney at the corner of Crenshaw and... You don't understand how these things work. Men understand these things. Wasn't there a big apartment house there? Let me explain. Men's rules are very simple - if you win, you win, if you lose, you lose, but you never ask for the money back. Why not? 'Cos it's not part of the rules. Oh yeah? You know, I got a different set of rules. Wanna hear them? Here they come. Sometimes when you win, you really lose. Sometimes when you lose, you really win. Sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie. Sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. I hate it when you talk like that. It makes me crazy. Winning and losing is all one big organic globule from which one extracts what one needs. I'm fucked. Forget it, I ain't... I'm not getting off this bus. I'm not getting off the bus. Stop! Can we discuss it? Can we have a discussion? DOORBELL RINGS < Yes? Does Sidney Deane live here? He does. He's my husband. Yeah, well, 'your husband' stole $1,700 from my boyfriend. (TUTS) Really. Just a minute. Sidney? Yeah, baby. Some people out here say you stole their money. Come on in. Oh, shit... No, no, baby, I didn't steal his money, I hustled it. Yo! Cindy Brady! That girl is fine! Cindy Brady! What happened? What the fuck do you want? Who invited you in my house? I did. And I want to talk to... Gloria. ..Gloria. Baby, he hustled me long before I ever hustled him. That's true, Rhonda. I saw everything. Damn skippy, so what goes around...comes around. Then you won't mind if Gloria and I talk. Want something to drink? Please. Come on. This boy got a lot of guts. Billy Ho! Good to see you! You look SWELL. > Yep. That's right. > You fucked me. Yo! Get the hell out- Yo! Get the hell out- Get away from the TV! You fucked me! We had a partnership. No, we were never partners. Man, it goes like this - you either smoke or you get smoked. And you got smoked! OTHERS LAUGH Clean as my gun. Yes, it was. Smooth. 'A thing of beauty is a joy forever.' Too deep? Sidney, would you get this guy to shut the fuck up? I'm sorry, I'll go back to the way you like it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No bullshit here. I want my money back. You're not getting it. I am. You're gonna give it back. I'm not giving you nothin'. Billy and Sidney were team-mates. Team-mates can't hustle each other. Really? Why not? It's not artistic. Let me explain something. I don't care about art. I just care about getting out of the Vista View apartments because there's no vista, no views and there's definitely no vista of no views. Now you want cream or sugar or what? Cream. Hey, man, I trusted you! There are rules to hustling, there's an ethics involved. Which you wouldn't know a damned thing about. I never shook anyone's hand then stabbed... Back up, man. The Indians shook hands with the Pilgrims - and look who got fucked. Yeah, OK? Pilgrims? Who are you calling pilgrims? You, Christopher Columbus. Gobble this, turkey. Hey, y'all - I got a gun in my hand. What the fucks wrong with you. Shoot this mother! Shoot this mother! Shoot this mother! HUBBUB < Quick! Oh, man! Oh, man! Come on, man! Pop it, James! YEAH! ALL CHEER Good play. That's a black man. That's a black man. Well, throughout our glorious life together I bought a car from the Stucci brothers for three grand. It was shit, and I didn't want to pay. I told Billy unless he got the money back they were cuttin' me up. He had to find a way to get the money back. The Stuccis decided they'd fix a basketball game. Billy agreed but halfway through he got pissed off, didn't throw it and the Stuccis lost a bundle. Wake up, girlfriend. It's your boyfriend. He's got some problems. He's just bad with money. Look, the Stucci brothers are still after us... Hey, it's a sad story, it really is, and I'm sorry. But I'm still not giving you the money back. I might, however, be willing to discuss other arrangements. COMMENTATOR: Off with the triple... Hey, there's Kadeem! That ain't Kadeem. There's Eddie! I know Eddie. You know shit! Listen up. We have a solution. Tell 'em to move, man. They're black women over there. Think I'm crazy? All right, here's the scenario. Rhonda will give me some money back and we can get the rest. So you guys kiss, make up or whatever it is you do, and go play in that tournament - together. Hell, no. I ain't playing with that sonofabitch. No, baby, look... I don't hustle with people who are dishonest. He ain't that good anyway. I can't go out like that. Man...Farrakhan disciple! Sonofabitch. No, I ain't doin' it. # The stars belong to everyone # They gleam there for you and me # The flowers in spring, The robins that sing, # The sunbeams that shine They're yours, they're mine PA: Welcome to the first annual Two On Two For Brotherhood basketball tournament. Also known as the TTBBT. Sponsored by a coalition of American corporations in the spirit of promoting brotherhood among us all. That's bullshit. And now, let the games begin! (BLOWS WHISTLE) (BLOWS WHISTLE) APPLAUSE Hey, wait! Stay with it! Oh, look at that, man! How can you chase somebody, you mushroom-hat wearing mother? You fat mustard and butter sandwich. What you talking about, man? WHISTLE BLOWS We don't have to worry about them. They spend too much time arguing about each other's mothers. And both of their mothers are ugly. Push it, push it! All right, all right. One for you. One for you. That guy was just on parole, man. These two we definitely have to worry about. This is 'Flight', that's Willie. They can play. They'll be in the finals against us. Oh...! Shit! That's just too easy. No, no, no! That shit is TOO easy! It's too easy. No, no, no. That shit is TOO easy! I don't wanna play no more. We don't want to play no more. Hey, chump! Yeah, you, potato-head. You know who I'm talkin' about. Is that your best game? If it is, better grab that free T-shirt and go. What are you doin', man? Who'd you bring? Mighty Mouse? < You're too pretty to play basketball, you know? Hey... You got that big 'Z' in your 'fro. Would you stop already? What are you, the black Zorro? Enough, man! Did the Braille Institute cut your hair? What's Opie Taylor talkin' about? Opie Taylor? Opie...? I got your Opie, you big Gomer Pyle droopy-eyed sonofabitch. You and your Cream of Wheat take your ass back to Mayberry and tell Aunt Bee she'd better have my bean pies. What are you doin'? What the fuck are you doing? I'm doing two things. What? What are you doing? Makin' them mad. Most guys won't play good when they're mad. You're embarrassing me. That's the other thing I'm doing. You're not embarrassing me, you're pissing me off. Good, 'cos unlike those guys, I assume you play better when you're mad. Am I right? I'm not listening to you. Yeah, but you're hearing me. Get down, get down! BILLY: Whoa, still throwing up bricks? You still throwing up bricks? Is this a mason's convention? < Clang, clang. I need a welding torch to play in this league. < I got an idea. < Let's stop now and gather up all these bricks and build a shelter for the homeless so that maybe your mother gas a place to live. We'll fuck you! Fuck that fucker! And your sister, too. I want your mother and your sister out of my house, immediately. WHISTLE Black ball. Black ball?! What the fuck are you talking about? Please, I'm talking about your jersey, not your skin. Play ball. Please, I'm talking about your jersey, not your skin. Play ball. I knew you were a racist. Please, I'm talking about your jersey, not your skin. Play ball. Please, I'm talking about your Here you go, sir. How are you feeling today? You don't look well. Didn't I score here once before? Gonna give us a game? Give us SOMETHING, man. Oh, oh! Don't let him pull that move on you. Don't let him pull that move! Oh, no, that's the move! Oh, ho, ho! That's the move! I tried to warn you. You call that defence? Are we gonna get some competition? If not... I wanna get a sweat. I got better things to do. ALL YELL INSULTS There's a chickie-babe watching this big, old ass yoyoing up and down the court. Bring it in, bad boy. He ain't got shit! He ain't got shit! He ain't got shit! Ohhhh! Oh! Bunch of suckers! What a great no-look pass! Am I right? The mustard's off the hot dog, you corn-fed mule. My man ain't gettin' nothing. Lurch, I looked up 'basketball player' in the dictionary and it said, 'Not you'! You can't deal with us. Quiet! Bring it on, bad boy! Excuse me, I'm talking. I know! Shut up! I'm talking to Pretty Boy. I'm geeing up on you. You make it to the finals. I've got some bean pie for you. You ain't gonna see $5,000. You may see 5,000 beans. Do you ever shut up? What the fuck are you worrying about? I'm in a zone, man. I'm in a fucking zone. Would you relax. I'm in a zone. Billy, it is one thing to embarrass me. It is another thing to piss these guys off we have to play. That's just plain fucking stupid, man! Yeah, listen to your team-mate, bucket head. You gone right past stupid, into a whole new category. It's called suicide, chump. Hey, chump, tell me chump all day, bad boy. I'm in a fucking zone! Chump! Chump! Chump! What the fuck is up with you? What are you worried about? I'm in a zone, man. I'm in a zone! They're pissed off, and I'm in a zone. Billy, this is not about Black and White. This is about money, this is about greed. You got that? Look man, I need this five grand. I am not about to let you blow this for me, no fucking way! You pissed off? No, I ain't pissed off. You pissed off at me? No, I'm not pissed at you. That's what you want me to do, so you can get me in this zone you're talking about. But it ain't going to happen, because you ain't good enough. Is that another brother thing, you fucking racist? No, there's certain things you can do, and there's certain things that you can't. I can hear Jimi! I can hear Jimi! No! You can't hear! You can't hear Jimi. Fuck you! Fuck you! No, you can't hear Jimi. Good, fuck me! Yeah, fuck you! Yeah, fuck you! Good, fuck me! Yes, yes! Fuck me! FUCK me, fuck me! Check, asshole. Check it. Let's go, Lurch! Check it, captain. Check it out! Fuck you, Lurch! WHISTLE BLOWS Stop them before we lose our sponsors! WHISTLE BLOWS I started a fucking fight. You want a fucking fight? That bullshit passing that you're doing! Come on, man, it's my bread on the line. I hope this doesn't get worse. Where's your dunking? You can't dunk. You can't dunk. Give me the fucking ball, man. Don't you guys ever shut up? Take the goddamed ball out. Break! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING You got the lane. Take a shot. Give me a better pass! I'm tired of piggybacking you. You're piggybacking me? You're piggybacking me? You ever been to Flight School? I'm going to the seventh floor to drop you off! WILLIE: Do it, Flight. Thank you. Thank you. Can you do it? Huh? I'm getting tired of you pushing me. Yeah! Yeah! SHOUTS ABUSE D-Up, man Cut, man! Damn! WILLIE: Come on, man! Goddamn, man! $5000 on the line, and you let this mother take the ball! Fuck you, man! I'll be pissing on you, man! Oh, you're pissing on me now? You sorry mother! Stop showing off, man. Look, you don't tell me what point it is. I've been saving your ass all day. Shut the fuck up, OK. PA: Point game to Mr Deane and Mr Hoyle. Cut, cut! You cut! I got 'em. I got 'em. Shit! Let's get out of here. Whoooo! You were supposed to help! Why didn't you shoot? I thought you were gonna dunk. No, man. Just take the shot. What? You're lucky we didn't cough up $5000 on that hot dog shit of yours. Wait a minute, you're supposed to dunk. He's been dunking on you all fucking day! Why didn't you dunk it - right on his face. Shut the fuck up. * Oh, she's going to love my ass. Damn! You know something, I can jam, man. OK. You keep telling everybody I can't stuff it. I only say that to get underneath your skin, man. But I CAN dunk a basketball. Just because I don't do it in a game, don't mean I can't. OK, fine. You- But you don't think I can stuff it. Billy (LAUGHS) I don't care if you can or if you can't. Stop the fucking car. What?! Stop the car! Pull it over. Turn that shit down. What's that shit? Good music. Don't call it shit. I bet half the five grand that I could stuff it. Hold it, hold it. Billy, you just won it. Let me give you some advice. Take some money and buy your girl a pretty dress in case she gets on that game show. You're either stupid or dangerous, man. You can't be stupid because stupid people know they can't piss me off. So you, you must be dangerous. To who? To yourself. Man, I'm taking you home. I don't jam in the game because it's like showboating for showboating's sake. You do that. I look good when I play! It's like a behind-the-back-pass when it's unnecessary. You wouldn't know what that was. You have a hard time passing gas. You wouldn't know what that was. You have a hard time passing gas. It's what I was saying. You wouldn't know what that was. You have a hard time passing gas. A white man wants to win first, look good second. A black man wants to look good first, win second. That's the most ridiculous piece of bullshit I've ever heard. Look, right over here. There's a goal right there. Get your money. Let's go. Pulled myself! That's absolute garbage. I'm tired of your shit. Likewise. Bunch of crap. Put your money where your mouth is. I just need three tries. You sure? Yeah. All right. Let's go. One of us isn't going home tonight. Ahhh! You were almost there. Almost there, Billy. I was with you on that one. Damn! Come on, baby. You can do this. It was a sucker, man. Is this shit regulation? This shit ain't regulation. Get the fuck out of here? Regulation? Yo, move out of the way, man. I'll check it for you. Move, move out of the way. Yeah, yeah. Just about right. Let's go, baby. You can do it. I believe in you. I know what the problem is. Come on. Get out of the way, man. I'm just trying to help. It's a bet. All right. It's your money. Go! Damn! Mmm-mm. Mm-mm-mm. You know, Billy, I thought it was a little high. But after re-evaluating I think it was an optical illusion and shit. Yo, I know what the problem is. I can't let you go out like that, man. Get off me, man. Get off me, man. I'll pump you up, man. Get off me, man. I'll pump you up, man. Get off me. You need all the help you can get. You need all the help you can get. It's a bet, man. Stop messing around < Billy. < Billy. Shut up, man. Billy. Billy. Shut up! Billy, listen to me. What? White men can't jump. Shit! Good luck with Gloria. SONG: # If I lose # If I win... # The sucker is stupid. (MUTTERS) White boys can be stupid sometimes. # This game is getting very, very, very long... # Way to go, Billy. # Some you miss and some you make # Some you give and some you take # I guess I get it wrong # If I lose If I'm tired # I, I, I I am truth and I am a lie # And I can't hear all the lyrics # To-o-o-o-o my song # Some you fix and some you break # Some you stir and some you shake # I guess I get it wrong # In a world of love # If love exists # Please tell me how or when # I would gladly pay the price # If I knew which way to go # Or if I had a buck to spare # If I lose If I draw # I'm the crime and I'm the law # And my heart is waiting # Waiting for another go # Some you beg and some you steal # Some you fake Some you feel # I guess I get it wrong. # DOOR CLOSES You called hours ago. Sidney's already home! The pizza's all cold and the wine's all warm. (CLEARS THROAT) Present for you. Oh, honey. Oh, God. What a shrew I am. I'm sorry, honey. Tell me about the tournament. There were some decent players there. Me and Sidney played OK. OK? You guys must've been great. (LAUGHS) Oh, God... This is beautiful. (POURS MORE WINE) Gloria. Gloria. Yes. Ah... This is beautiful. Thank you. Honey. (MAKES SEXY SOUND) (MAKES FORCED CHUCKLING SOUND) (SOFTLY AND INDISTINCTLY) I... lost the money. What? I lo...lost the money. Want to run that by me again, Billy? It, er... It... It happened again. It? It?! It! No! No, Billy. What the fuck is 'it'? There's no it. It is you. YOU happened again. Damn it, Billy! The money was mine to keep us going till 'Jeopardy' calls. Honey, Jeopardy ain't gonna call. When are you going to fuckin' wake up? When are you going to fuckin' wake up? Jeopardy IS gonna call, Billy. It is MY destiny that I triumph magnificently on that show. I'll NEVER do that if I have to wear that stupid hoochy-mama-looking dress you bought me... which was a poor excuse to cover up the fact that you fucked up again! I'm gonna win, all right. I'm gonna get on that show and I'm gonna win, because I'm overloaded with more goddamn information... than any human being on this fucking planet! How many moons around Pluto? What's a quince? It's a food, Billy, that starts with the letter Q. And I got seven more! I can't believe you lost the goddamn money! Honey, where are you going? Honey! Honey. Honey! Honey. Where are you going? You can't leave me. What is a solar eclipse? Who's Marcel Duchamp? Where was the hamburger invented at? What are you doing? You can't hitchhike. This is LA. Go ahead. Go ahead, she's just crazy. Go ahead. Billy. Go on. Billy! These people are perverts. Billy! What? The carpet's on fire. Oh, shit! All right, don't move, honey. Put...put your arm down. Come on in here, honey. Oh, shit! Shit! Honey, don't get in that truck! Billy. You can run but you can't hide. Joe Lewis said that. Do you believe that? Time to take a ride, Billy. I'm telling you, I lost the money, all right? I swear to God there's no money. There's no fuckin' money. Goddammit, Billy. It was working. It was beautiful. Nobody woulda known. Why didn't you go through with the fix? When I said I couldn't score he called me a honky mother-fucker. When I said I couldn't score he called me a honky mother-fucker. You are a honky mother-fucker. When I said I couldn't score he called me a honky mother-fucker. But I can score, man. We were the team and you betrayed us. Guess it's a bunch of bad trades, huh? I swear to God, one week. Where's your little hot tamale girlfriend? Where is she? I liked her. She left me. Oh, Billy. I'm gonna show you something. This is what happens to people who don't come through. See these? Huh? Look at the polaroids. Look at this guy. I swear to God, one week. One week. That's all you get. TYRES SCREECH I got your pistol right here, Billy. You got one week, understand? (GROANS) * SONG: # Talking that gangster hoopla # I'm gonna let you know that this week you're asking... # ALL YELL Five dollar an hour. Five dollar an hour. ALL TALK Off the door, baby. Cinco la hora. Hey, Sidney. Ruben. Como estas? Tienes trabajo? No, no. Por $5 podemos hacer cualquier clase de trabajo. No, no, no, no, no. Para otra semana. OK? All right. Sidney! You're late. Sorry. I'll be right there. Como esta, belleza? Sidney, I've been waiting for you. I'm sorry. My wife and I have decided on a Spanish tile with a mansard roof. Ooh. How unusual. Thank you. But I don't want to get a silly building permit, All right? No problem. I can go around the city. I can eliminate the middle man or I can be him. I'm offering the full service. Roof, paint, plaster... My wife and I have decided on number 88. Thank you very much. If you write a cheque to Sidney Deane - D-E-A-N-E... Sidney! And $300 could get me started. Sidney! Sidney! Hey, man, how are you doing? I've gotta talk to you, man. This is my office. I'm doing business. $300. It's really important, Sidney. Thank you very much. My regards to your wife. We'll start Tuesday. I gotta talk to you. God bless you. Sidney. Goddammit! What? I'm desperate, man. You know, a man should never act desperate. It's impractical. And frankly, I find it rather ugly. I'd rather look ugly and win... I'd rather look ugly and win... Shut the fuck up! Sidney... Gloria left me. I'm sorry, man. I don't know how, but I gotta get her back. Oh, brother. You know I got this grave human weakness. A tiny spot in my soul that actually likes you. It's horrible to admit but everybody's got a cross to bear. You're my damn cross. What's that supposed to mean? It means I'm gonna help you. Yes. Yes! Don't kiss me, man. I got no guarantees. What are you gonna do? I got an idea. But you're gonna owe me. That's exactly what I'm talking about. You in my house, man. What's up with you? What you want now? What you want now? You ready? You ready? Where did you go, huh? Where are you? Oh yeah! Whooo! That's what I'm talkin' about. This is MY house. So where you goin', man? I got a job, baby. Robert, you're smooth, baby. Lookin' good. Almost as good as me. Ahhhh! Billy, why don't you get that money you made from the tournament and buy yourself some new clothes? Robert, let me ask you something. They still makin' them TV games at your studio? All the game shows are done there. That's genius, Sidney. She's been trying to get on for weeks. Can you get her on? Nobody gets on my lot without a pass. Nobody. I'm a security guard, man. Robert, can you do it for me as a favour? Ball breaker break your balls? She broke my heart. Heart, balls. Details. Give me one reason why I should help this guy. (IMITATES THE GODFATHER) I'll owe you. He'll owe you. OK. Tell you what. I'll give you one shot from there. You make it...I'll let your girlfriend in. If you miss, I get your car. No problem. Yo! No, no, no, no, no. Billy boy. This is Ghana. You, my friend, are shooting for the Sudans. Huh? (LAUGHS) Yeah. And a hook shot. And a hook shot! (LAUGHS) Don't look at me. Their court, their rules. You're on your own. Want me to punt it up There? (LAUGHS) Can I use my right arm? RAP SONG PLAYS ALL CHEER WILDLY 'JEOPARDY' THEME PLAYS ANNOUNCER: This is Jeopardy! Now entering the studio are today's contestants. An English teacher from Spokane, Washington, Dr Leonard Allen. A former disco queen originally from Brooklyn, New York, Gloria Clemente. And our returning champion - a rocket scientist from Pasadena, California, Richard Andrews. And now, here is the host of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek! Thank you, Johnny Gilbert. Hi, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome once again to our programme. I hope you've seen our last three shows. Champion Richard Andrews performed brilliantly, averaging over $12,000 for each win. So if our newcomers, Leonard and Gloria, hope to replace him as champion, they have their work cut out for themselves. Contestants, good luck to all three of you. Let's play Round 1 in which there'll be one Daily Double in one of these categories. Medicine, Superstition, Natural Disasters, Books of the Bible, Sports, and finally... ..Foods that Start with the Letter 'Q'. She knows seven foods starting with 'Q'. Where would the champion like to begin? Sports, please, for $100. The first clue is... ..the all-time leading rebounder in pro basketball history. Wilt. Chamberlain. Who is Babe Ruth? I'm sorry, that is wrong. Richard? Babe Ruth?! She doesn't know sports. RICHARD: Who's Wilt Chamberlain? Correct. Pick again. I'll change subjects to Superstitions for $100. Make a wish and break this - the V-shaped clavicles of a fowl. What is a wishbone? Right. Right! Your turn to select. OK, I'll take National Disasters for $100, please. This volcano's eruption buried the city of Pompeii in 79 AD. Gloria. What is Mount Vesuvius? Ooh, I'll get a ruling on that. Our judges indicate that's close enough. Yes! All right... Let's go with Foods that Start with the Letter 'Q'. A game bird related to a partridge. Gloria. What is a quail? Correct. Pick again. Man, she's looking good now! ..Letter 'Q' for $200, please. A custard pie often made with cheese and bacon. Gloria. What is a quiche? Yes! OK... Foods with 'Q' for $300, please. A large edible clam of the Atlantic coast. Gloria. What is a quahog? Right. APPLAUSE OK. Foods with 'Q' for $400. The answer there is... the Daily Double. Well, Gloria... Oh, yeah! $2,100 - you're performing beautifully. How much will you risk on your knowledge of Foods that Start with the Letter 'Q'? All of it. Oh, my God! It was the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden. What is a quince? Yes! APPLAUSE How did she know that? As we begin the Double Jeopardy Round, Leonard makes the first selection. Can you turn things around? Popes for $200, please. He was Pope when America's first Catholic president was inaugurated. Gloria. Who was John XXIII? Yes. Popes for $400, Alex. His reign was the shortest on record in... Gloria again. Who was John Paul I? Right. Do you believe this?! Ruling Class for $800, Alex. 18th century czar who... Who is Peter the Great? Who was the Emperor Constantine? Who was King George? Yes. Correct. She's in a zone, man! Who was Victoriano Huerta? You are right. Ooh! What is a toadstool? Correct. What is chlorophyll? Yes! What are sports? Ooh! What is Australia? Right. Yes! What is the outer Hebrides? You are right! YES! Yeah! APPLAUSE Gloria! Look, Billy. Listen to me. Even if Gloria takes you back, which would be a miracle, don't blow it. Listen to the woman very carefully. Women know shit. All right. Even if you don't know what she's talking about, just listen. All right. Sorry, she doesn't want to see you. Gloria! Hey! I said she won't see you! Jesus! It's locked. Bitch. It's OK. It's all right. Look, there's another door, man. You're on your own. And remember - you owe me BIG. All right, man. All right? Honey... All right. Don't say anything, all right? Just listen for a sec. (CLEARS THROAT) (PLAYS GENTLE TUNE) (CLEARS THROAT) (SINGS) # I will never bring you water # When you're thirsting in our bed # You know I understand dry-mouthedness # And I sympathise instead # And if you take me back again I won't be such a slob... # Let's screw. # I'd even trade my sneakers in # For a part-time job My Gloria # My Gloria # Gloria # My, my Gloria # Gloria # I know that you're angry And you prob'ly want me dead # And I know screwin' is for carpenters # So let's make love instead # And I know I'll get it wrong So forgive me in advance # Gloria # Gloria # Gloria # My Gloria # Yeah. # GLORIA: Tell me the truth. You didn't think 'Jeopardy' would call, did you? I must confess, I didn't. See, honey? That's why you gotta trust me more. Oh, you're right - as usual. I know. You know, I've been thinking about the future... Me too! The future's like a whole new concept, you know? I mean, it's like...it's like... The summer pro league haven't been knocking down my door. Comes a time when a man has to get on with his life, you know? I want you to take $2,000 of my winnings... OK? I think that's a bad idea. No, it's a good idea. I want you to buy yourself some new clothes. I mean not for me - I like you how you are. But for job interviews, you gotta look good. Job interviews? Yeah. I want you to aim high. Well, I... ..I wanna aim high, but I'm just nervous about taking your money again because, you know, I'm afraid I might do something stupid. Take it. I trust you. * PEOPLE SPEAK ON POLICE RADIO WOMAN: They took everything. I feel raped, man! They took everything. They wiped us out. They took everything! They took my TV, my husband's stereo, my baby's crib. And I wanna know what kind of human being steals a baby's crib? (CRIES) Where have you been? Baby, they took everything. Who? Burglars. Who do you think? I feel raped, honey. Your TV, your stereo system - everything's gone. And they trashed the place! Oh, look at this here! I'll be goddamned! Baby, don't worry about it. We'll get it all back. You promised to get me out of this hellhole. They took our $5,000. They wiped us out. And I know somebody knows what happened here. Somebody saw. I know they did. You can't take that stuff and not see something. You didn't have to trash the place! Fuck me! I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lost it. Baby, you don't have to apologise to me. I want a job. OK. All right. You get a job. And I'll figure out how to get us outta this goddam building. All right? If I can win $12,000 each week, right? Times five, plus $20,000 for the annual title, that'll give us... ..80 grand. We're rollin' now. So, I figure I could take some acting classes, get on a soap, do a little television... I'll be ready for the big screen in two years. You're made for the big screen. Yeah? Billy! Oh, there's Sidney. Sidney! Hey, Billy! Billy! Sidney. I've been looking all over for you. I gotta talk to you. Alone. What is this - a macho dick thing? Come on, now. Can I watch? Don't worry about me, babe! Billy, you got some money? Yeah, I got a little dough. Why? Eddie 'The King' Farook and Duck Johnson are back. They're working across downtown right now, man. They're cleaning up. The King and Duck?! We can take 'em! Yeah, we can. But it's $2,500 to get in. I got $2,000, man! I just got $2,000! Good. Let's do this. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa... Oh, now, hold on. Hold on, man. I just got back together with Gloria. I don't know how she'll react. Getting this money could save my marriage! With this score, I could move in a week! You know, I don't think she's going to go for it. Just make her! Fuck that! You owe me. I know, man, but I... All right, enough man talk here. What's up? Honey, you are so beautiful. Sometimes I don't realise how lucky I am. You know something, honey, there is a big game down town. For money? No! No, no! Well...yeah. I mean, you know... Billy! Are you serious?! Are you seriously thinking about playing with my money? Your money? Honey, you gave it to me. To get a job! I promised Sidney, honey. You promised ME! I promised you and I promised him. I owe you and I owe him! You take the winnings. I don't care about the money. Billy, I don't NEED the money or want it! What do you want? YOU, you stupid sonofabitch! We can take these guys. They're over the hill. Yeah. Look, Billy...you gamble my money and we're through. Honey, I promise you, it's the last time. What, do you two think I'm a fucking moron or something?! Billy, do you take me for an idiot? All right. All right, I have a solution, OK? I will guarantee victory. OK? I've never offered that before. I will guarantee victory. I... We can guarantee victory. Huh? Yeah. I love you, Billy. Goodbye. Honey... All right, honey. All right, listen... If you don't wanna watch, we'll meet at the hotel later and party. We'll celebrate! We're on a roll, honey! We're on a roll! > MAN: Show 'em that fly shoot, Sidney. Come on, Billy, baby. MAN: King! You can dunk! You can dunk, baby. I got it, man. You got it? MEN CONTINUE CALLING OUT ENCOURAGEMENT Come on, Duck! MUSIC PLAYS Yes! Come on. Watch this, man. I got defence, man. CHEERS Take it out! Sweep, sweep, sweep! D-up! D-up! Stay up on him. Watch him, watch him. Back door! Shit, man. Oh yeah, baby. Take it in, Sid! Yeah! > All right, baby! > (LAUGHS) > Go, go, go! Go, go, go! I got it, I got it! CROWD SHOUTS AND APPLAUDS Play some defence, Billy! RAP SONG: # Take this # I want a girl # Ow! Where's my girl? Way to go, baby. Way to go! > Damn. Sweep! Sweep! Fuck! Put your hands up. Put your hands up. OK. Come on, man! Come on, man! BALL CRASHES THROUGH BASKET In, baby, in! BASKET RATTLES CHEERS BASKET RATTLES LOUD CHEERING It's all I got, baby. 14-13. Point game. Point game. You gotta put the ball up, man. You gotta rock. > You gonna dance or play ball, man? Come on! > Watch him down low. I got him! I got him! MUSIC PLAYS OVER DIALOGUE (YELLS) WHOO! Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Honey! She's gone. Man! Oh, man! Now, that's not right. That is not right. I mean, finally I didn't lose the money - I doubled it - and I still got it wrong. How can that be? She said some crazy shit last night. She said sometimes when you win, you actually lose, or tie. Or when you tie, you actually win...or some shit. You know - you gotta extract something from an organic globule. Brother, I only have four words for you. Listen...to the woman. What the hell does that mean? I tried to listen to the woman. YOU talked me out of it! It didn't take long. I presented you with an option, you took it. You should've listened to her, not me. But listen to you now?! I'm giving you advice. Who should I listen to? You're a grown man. You're supposed to figure it out. Shit. GUN CLICKS Oh! The game is over, William. Still hit the old jumper, huh, Billy boy? Where's the cash? POLAROID CAMERA WHIRRS WHIRRS AGAIN OK, Frankie. That's enough. That's good for you guys? Yeah. We're all set. We can finally show our face again at Tippertins. Hey! The Stucci brothers are back. No hard feelings, huh, Billy boy? No. Billy... It's all about respect. You understand? Good. I respect you guys. See you later. TYRES SCREECH Oh, man. You all right? Gloria's not coming back. Yeah, I know. You know, she's left me before - lots of times. She'll reach the door, I'll talk fast and she'll come back. Or she'll get out the door, she'll be gone a coupla days and I'll play her a song or something...and she'll come back. This is it. She's gone. Well... maybe you two are better off without each other. Yeah. Tell me something, Sidney... If I listen to the woman, do I have to agree? No. You listen - that's a good enough start. I don't wanna stress you out. I gotta get a job. Give me a job? You got any references? You. (LAUGHS) You gonna be all right, there, Billy-oh. Now you're starting to hear the music. Oh, I can hear Jimi now? That's not what I said. You're hearing the music, but not Jimi. Jimi ain't music. Yeah, but you can't hear Jimi... Forget it. Don't be dissin' Jimi, man. You just learned that word. You just learned that word. Hey, Sidney - how'd you know I could slam that pass? Cos, Billy-oh, even the sun shines on a dog's ass some days. On a dog's ass? A dog's ass. Maybe some one-on-one... Don't start. Don't start no shit. Come on! Hitting one dunk doesn't mean you can play. Putting a cat in an oven don't make it a biscuit! Your mamma is so stupid, it takes her 60- No, it takes her two hours... Stop hurting yourself, man. I got some funny stuff here. (HUM BLUES MUSIC) Yo. Smooth, baby. What, you dropped a $20 on 'em? Of course I did! If I don't take care of my brothers, who will? Man, I'll bet you $20 on this game we're about to play. I'm not playing you. You're not playing me? No way. Go ahead. You're ugly and you'll lose. You calling me ugly? You calling me ugly? Your mamma did. SONG: # Can you come out and play? # Do you think you can hang with the real men? # Can you come out and play? # Ooh, baby # Ooh, baby # Do you think you can hang in a real game? # When you first caught my eye # Uh, uh # You were turning men away... # Supertext Subtitles Copyright 1994 Australian Caption Centre Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2016