Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019 'Five years ago my dad left.' 'He said he loved me and my mom, but he needed his own space.' 'He took his secretary along with him.' 'Said he needed someone to answer his phone calls.' 'He promised to come visit me from time to time.' 'But he was never very good at keeping promises.' 'My mom was really upset.' 'But I told her we still had each other, and I'd look after her as long as I lived.' 'We decided to start all over again.' 'A whole new life.' 'So we moved into a small loft apartment downtown.' 'It was pretty gross at first.' 'But my mom's real creative and she turned it into a home in no time.' 'She even made a kind of backyard on the roof where I can play.' 'After a while she got over my father leaving.' 'I did, too.' 'Eventually, she started dating again, but they were all jerks!' 'And they never lasted long.' 'And so we'd go back to the way things were.' 'Just the two of us.' 'I liked it that way.' 'We started making a collage from things we found on the beach, to take our minds off everything.' 'We've been doing it now for almost five years.' 'Mom says we'll finish it some day.' 'Then two weeks ago, the worst thing in the world happened.' 'My mom told me she wanted to get married again.' 'Just when we get our life back together, she goes and does this.' 'You'd think by now she'd have learned her lesson.' 'I don't care how old I get, I'll never understand women.' The Federal District Court of the state of Washington is now in session. The defendant will rise. Francis James Renda, you have been found guilty of the crime of trafficking in narcotics. Do you have anything to say before sentence is passed? Yes, Your Honour. I wanna thank the prosecuting attorney for givin' me a fair trial. I want him to know there's no hard feelings, despite the outcome. And I wish him a lotta luck in his future endeavours. Your Honour, Prosecution'd like to know if these remarks are meant as a threat. The attorney has me all wrong, Your Honour. I'm a harmless old man. (COLDLY) I don't make threats. Good. Because for a moment there the Prosecuting Attorney was really, really scared (!) That'll do, Mr Sturges. Thank you, Your Honour. If you are all finished, I'll pronounce sentence. Francis James Renda, it is the court's judgement that you serve not less than 50 years in the federal correctional institute at Sheridan, Oregon. This court is adjourned. We'll appeal. Don't worry. Appeal, huh?! Congratulations, everybody. Just the best! More garbage off the street. Mr Renda, this way please. Well, that's done. We can go. < Hey, Sturges. You think you're pretty tough, don't ya? Well, lemme tell you, Counsellor ` you may be on top of the situation now, but remember, things have a way of comin' around. Know what I mean? Joey, if you're the thing that comes around, I'll step on you like a bug. Know what I mean? Who was that guy? Frank's son Joey. He looks dangerous. Just cheap hoods in expensive suits. C'mon, we got things to talk about. I'm gonna get this guy. I thought I'd bring my stuff over around noon tomorrow. OK? Mmm... sure. Have you got room for my big ball of used dental floss? I'm sure we will. Been savin' it since I was 3 years old. Hate to give it up. Must weigh 400lbs now. What... did you say you'd bring? Nothing. I just wanted your attention. You've been so distracted. Is it your show, or something else? No. I've been thinking about you moving in with me and Ben. Having second thoughts? No. I want you to move in. It's Ben. What? It's Ben? Wait, wait, wait... Ben doesn't want me to move in? I guess he's just not comfortable with the idea yet. If that's all you're worried about ` relax. I knew Ben'd have those feelings. So, I got every book I could find on step-parenting. Practically an expert. This is all about sex, isn't it? Please, Ben, I'm your mother! You don't have to pretend. Women reach their sexual peak in their thirties. Where d'you pick up that stuff? Donahue. I'm gettin' rid of the television! Hey, how about this? Oh, good one! And it's not just about sex. I think it'd be a good for you having a male role model. What if he turns out to be like Dad, and splits with his secretary? He's not like your dad. And his secretary is about 100 years old! What if he turns out to be a serial killer and boils our heads in acid. You're stretching, Benjamin. It could happen. It's just a trial. He'll keep his apartment. So, if for some reason things don't work out, he'll go back to his place. And we'll go back to the way we were. OK? Did you know he irons his jeans? Yes. Which makes him an axe-murderer, right? Well, I don't know that for sure. All I'm saying is that a compulsion like that generally indicates a deeper psychosis. I heard it on Geraldo. Look, Ben,... I love Jack. And I'd like to have a husband again. But you're the most important man in my life, and if it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for me. OK? OK? Yeah, OK. But I still say he may try and boil our heads in acid. I knew it...! Let's see... Sturges... Sturges... Hmph. Not here. Doesn't mean he's not a serial killer, just means they haven't caught him yet. (LAUGHTER) Ben, can you give us a hand? I've got a sore back. My doctor says I shouldn't do any heavy lifting. Then how about making room for Jack's things in that closet. But that's where we keep the stuff we collect on the beach. We can put it somewhere else for the time being. But it's important stuff. It'll be fine somewhere else. Oh, that's OK. I don't need to unpack. Holding it is more convenient if I need to get anything. It's no trouble. Is it, Benjamin? No. It's no trouble (!) Thanks, Benny. I appreciate it. He's calling me Benny already (!) I meant to tell you ` he hates to be called Benny. Thanks, Ben! (SLAM) (LOUDLY) # Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah # Someone's in the kitchen I know # Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah Jack? Come on, Jack! You gonna be in there all night? # Fee fie fiddlee-i-oh-oh-oh-oh # Fee fie fiddlee-i-oh! # Oh, Dinah, won't you blow # Dinah, won't you blow AAAOOOWWW! AAAAOOOWWW! What happened to the hot water? It's an old building, Jack. Sometimes the water just cuts out. Ben? I was showering. I'm covered with soap. Can I just come in? What are you doing? Ben locked me out. You don't think he did it on purpose, do you? Of course not. I'll get you a towel. Yeeuch! Whoah! What is all this stuff? Eeuugh! What's wrong with this guy? Is he decomposing, or something? Allergy medicine? Great (!) He smells bad and he's a wimp. What a role model (!) Hey, Mom! Where's my toothpaste? < I can't find any of my stuff! Excuse me. Do you guys have to do that? Sorry. Can't resist a pretty girl. Know what I mean, buddy? I'm eleven. I hate girls. Oh, right, of course. I used to be eleven myself. I know what you mean. Cooties, right? Yeah, right, cooties (!) Mom, I can't find anything. All my stuff's gone. It's in the cabinet on the floor What did you do that for? Jack's taller. It makes sense for his stuff to be up higher. But Mom...! It won't kill you if your toothpaste is in the cabinet. Don't gimme that face. We all have to make adjustments. I'm the one makin' all the adjustments. Well, I'm beat. I'm gonna turn in. See ya in the morning, Benny. Oh, sorry, I meant Ben. See ya in the morning, Ben. Oh, Mom...? Can I talk to you, please? I'm sorry. Ben said the thought of us in the same bed would be psychologically damaging to him. Did he actually say "psychologically damaging"? He's a bright kid. He watches PBS. So do I, but I don't talk like that. I think it'll be OK in a few days. Let him get used to the situation. OK. OK. I can be glad of that cold shower. Thank you. I knew you'd understand. Don't start anything you can't finish. Goodnight. Goodnight, sweetheart. This isn't so bad. I can live with this. This sucks. I'm never gonna get any sleep. AAARRGH! (Jack, what are you doing?!) Just some late-night skateboarding. What's goin' on down there? Nothing. Nothing. I heard a noise. What was it? Oh, that was just me... goin' to the bathroom. That darn skateboard! The bathroom's over there, Jack. You forgotten already? Over here? There it is. Got my bearings back. Thanks, Ben. Goodnight, Mother. Goodnight, sweetheart. (JACK HUMS HAPPILY) What are you doing? Oh. Morning, Ben! Somehow I didn't sleep well, so I got up to make breakfast. Do me a favour and come round here and shut this stove off. What is all this stuff, anyway? Eggs Benedict a la Sturges, my boy. Eggs... what?! Poached eggs, a slice of ham, on English muffins. Topped off with hollandaise sauce ` most of which is on the counter ` and the "a la Sturges" part is... caviar. Does the word cholesterol mean anything to you, Jack? I don't eat like this all the time. It's sort of a celebration. And how about "recycle"? You put eggshells in with paper instead of organic material. Oh. I just thought you had four garbage cans. This one is for paper, this one is for aluminum, this one is for glass, and this one is for organic material. Like egg shells. OK, eggshells in here. No problem. Mmmm... Something smells good! What happened here? I made eggs Benedict! Jack's trying to kill us with animal fat. Ben and I just have a little granola, yoghurt, and sliced fruit in the morning. Oh, OK. This can be organic material and I'll do some granola, sliced fruit and yoghurt. How's that? Don't bother. I'll just pick up something on the way to school. Ben, don't forget to take ` Goodbye, Mother. I guess we're not getting off to a very good start, are we? Ben and I make breakfast together. It's one of our routines. I'll just make a list so this doesn't happen again. Good idea. A lot of help you've been (!) Paper only. * Someone sure is hungry. Hey, Monroe. How ya doin'? Don't they feed you at home? I skipped breakfast. Mom's boyfriend took over the kitchen. I walked out. Coulda told you that'd happen. Always does. First they take over the bathroom and the kitchen. Then sofa and TV. My advice is get rid of this guy. Immediately. It'll be pretty hard. Mom's lost in a huge love bubble. She's not thinking clearly. I tell you, man, whatever you do, do it soon. Cos in my experience, the longer Mom lives with a guy, the harder it is to get rid of them. (BANGING FROM INSIDE LOCKER) Hello! > Can someone get me outta here? Is there somebody in there? Yeah. Can you get me out, please? What's the combination? Thirty-eight, 24, 36. Hi. Thanks. Boy, it's tight in there. I'm Norman Bronski, by the way. I'm Ben, and this is Monroe. What were you doin' in there? You stay on the outside when you lock up. Some guys makin' fun of me did it. Does this happen a lot? Just about every day. Maybe that dorky Indian get-up has something to do with it. It has everything to do with it. I'm an Indian guide. What's an Indian Guide? The YMCA Indian Guides fosters understanding and companionship between father and son. Well, nice talking to ya, Cochise, but we gotta go. Tell me, Norm ` do the fathers have to dress like Indians, too? Sure. My dad wears a huge headdress. Sounds real exciting. Let's go. How does one join, Norman? Here's everything you need to know. We'd be glad for you and your dad to join us. Our tribe's always looking for new members. Well, I gotta go. Nice meeting you guys. If you happen by tomorrow, check if I'm stuffed in my locker. Bye. Are you crazy? You seriously wanna hang with a goof like that? Of course not. It's all strictly Twilight Zone. But this could be the solution to my problem. I don't get it. Are you sure he wants to do this? Says they eat nuts and berries. He gets enough for breakfast. What? I didn't hear you. Did Ben say why he wants to do this Indian Guide thing? So you can get to know each other. But, Sandy, these people sit around making furry refrigerator magnets. What Indian tribe ever made furry refrigerator magnets? I think Ben's wanting to spend time with you is a good sign, don't you? Yes, I do. But why can't he wanna do something a bit more normal? Like... joining Little League? Cos you know how kids are ` this week it's Indian Guides, next week it's roller hockey. Just give it a try ` I mean, how bad can it be? # Pals forever # That's our slogan # That's our song # Boys are stronger # Dads feel younger # When they take the boys along # Moms are for it # Dads adore it # And the boys all think it's fine # Pals forever, pals forever # As Indian Guides We'll have good times Yes! Yes! Excellent! Excellent Now, as chief of the Minotauk, it's my special pleasure to welcome two new members into the tribe. So let's hear a very special Guide welcome for Jack and Ben. Welcome, welcome! (MOCK INDIAN CHANT) Hey-ha-wa-ya, Ben? Hey-ha-wa-ya, Jack? # Fine, thanks. How are you? No, no, Jack. Hey-ha-wa-ya is the official Minotauk greeting. Oh. Our way of saying "Welcome, enjoy, you're among friends." I f-feel comfortable already. Good, cos the point is to relax and have lotsa fun. Right, Guides? So, now I call on Silent Thunder, who's gonna entertain us tonight. Excuse me, Chief Running Horse. Point of order. Yes...? It's customary now, for new members to pick names for each other. Silver Fox again nails a point of order. I believe it's important to follow rules, as an example to the boys. Red's tribe secretary. He memorised the Guide manual. Word for word. Took me six months. Really? You must be very proud. Fathers and sons naming each other is an important Indian Guide ritual. So, I'm Running Horse and my son is Dark Eagle. I see, you're all animal names. Yeah. So you wanna go first? Oh, no, I'm not very good at this sorta thing. Jack, it's easy. C'mon, Jack, give it a shot. How hard can it be? I have a list of pre-approved Indian names, if it'd help? Red? Red? I think Jack can just wing it. Sure, OK, well, if I'm just gonna wing it, uh, how about, um,... Little Wing? Good name! Good song, too. Jimi Hendrix. I got the album. Axis: Bold as Love. Alright, Guides ` Ben's new tribal name is Little Wing. Alright, yeah! Fly on, Little Wing, yeah! OK, Ben, your turn to name Jack. Something to tell us how you feel about him. How about... Squatting Dog? Squatting Dog? That's the best you can come up with? I had a dog once ` had a terrible case of the squirts. He was my best friend in the world. Did you have any other pets? I had a squirrel named Numbnuts. Uh, I'm gonna go with Squatting Dog. OK. Good name. Funny name... A Minotauk can appreciate a sense of humour. Alright, Guides, from now on Jack's tribal name is Squatting Dog. OK, Silent Thunder the floor is yours! This'll be great. Lloyd's been preparing all week. (CHUCKLING) ACHOOO! (COUGH) What's going on? Oh, Silent Thunder is a circus performer. He expresses himself without words. Pretty good at it, isn't he? (CD PLAYER SKIPS ACROSS TRACKS) (MUSIC SETTLES INTO REPEATED LYRIC: # Don't speak, just move) (APPLAUSE) Bravo, Silent Thunder! Very good, Silent Thunder! Very funny! So, let's keep it rollin', Guides! Who's for scrambled moccasins? Point of order, Chief. Yes, Red, what is it? I believe we played scrambled moccasins last week. And as we vary the games... it should be either potato bowling or pass the grapefruit. Are you sure? I could've sworn we played scrambled birch bark last week. According to my notes we made macaroni name tags, Mrs Silent Thunder served chocolate cornbread, Chief Running Horse gave an interesting talk on nasal hair... and, yup, here it is ` scrambled moccasins. OK, then. Guides? Show of feathers ` who's up for potato bowling? (INDIAN-STYLE WHOOPING) Alright, let's get ready to rumba! Jack and Ben, as new members, you have the honour of hurling the first spud! (LOUD ROCK MUSIC) I tell ya, Monroe, adults are so easy to figure out it's scary. As soon as I said I liked it, he said he liked it. But he hated it, right? Totally. You shoulda been there. They rolled potatoes along the floor to see who got closest to a big circle drawn on newspaper. How could you stand it, man? I won't have to stand it much longer. There's a dopey camp-out Saturday, in someone's backyard. I'll never know why you white people like to sleep out on the ground. Never catch no brothers doin' that. As if that wasn't bad enough, I told Jack he had to dress up as an authentic Indian, so he's rented a costume to show his enthusiasm. The others dressin' up like Indians? Of course not! You are the devil, man! Yes! < When is the food ready? I'm hungry! < Burgers comin' up! Can someone give me a hand with this tent? Hey, Jack. Jack...! Nice costume. Very authentic. We usually don't get dressed up 'cept for big occasions. I shoulda told ya. Well, I just happened to have this lyin' round anyway. Looks great, too. Listen, I gotta fry up the barbecue. We'll talk later. Hey, Jack. You need to get your face painted like everybody else. You said the other fathers were gonna wear costumes, too. Sorry. Guess I misunderstood. Hope you're not mad at me. No... Honest mistake. I guess. No harm. No foul. Wait, what kind of paint is that? I have to be careful. Oh, it's just a water colour. Good, cos I have a tendency to breakout. Don't worry. I checked the label. You did? Thanks. That was very thoughtful. No problem. * Hey, everybody, I got a great idea. Let's have a grapefruit relay. (BOYS CHEER) How 'bout it, gents? You know, I could probably pop a round in Sturges' skull from right here. From here? With what? A .38. Get away from me with that. A .38 wouldn't even make it across the street. On the other hand, a .22 super speed has enough velocity to make it through his brain and into the next county. I told you guys, we gotta make this look like an accident, so it don't come back on my old man. So forget the .38s and the .22s ` think 'accidental death'. Understand?! OK, Guides. All ready for the big grapefruit relay?! (ALL) Yeah! To the end of the yard and back again. Remember the rule is ` you can't touch your fruit with your hands. On your marks! Get set! Go! Jack, there's something I wanna talk to you about. Can it wait till we lose the fruit? I didn't wanna do it around the others. Norm says you're not Ben's father. That's true. Geez... I hope that doesn't mean we have to leave the Guides. No, no, not at all! You're sure about that? You wanna check with Red first? I'm not Norman's father either. I'm his stepfather. Thing broke open. Gettin' juice down my chest. (RED) Remember, no hands! I know what you're goin' through with Ben. So... if you ever need... any advice... or anything... I really... appreciate it... but I... think I'm doin' fine... on my own. Really. OK, but if you ever wanna talk... I'm there. Can't get any worse than this. Your Honour, the US Attorney's appearance shows a lack of respect by the Federal Government for our case. I move for a mis-trial. Thank you, Mr Red Crow. I'll take that under advisement. Mr Sturges? Your Honour, I assure you, I meant no disrespect to the plaintiff. Leonard, really, it's just a rash. It looks a lot like war paint, Jack. Although, the happy face is not technically a native symbol. War paint, Jack?! The Salish Indians sue over land rights and you show up in war paint! Jack, it's the 90s! Ever heard of political correctness? Of course, I have. Look, this Salish thing is very sensitive for us. I'll have to take you off the case. C'mon, Bob! This rash'll be gone in 24 hours. I can get a continuance It's not just the rash! It's your behaviour in general. You've cancelled meetings. You're unprepared. I'm sorry, Bob. I explained that. I know. The Indian thing with the stepson. It's taken up a lot more time than I thought it would. I can understand, and I can sympathise, but, frankly, I don't care! We've an important job to do here, Jack. I suggest you sort your priorities. Am I making myself understood? I worked at the US Attorney's office 15 years. I've never been taken off a case. I'm sorry. I did my best, but this Indian Guide thing is not working. Couldn't you give it another chance? I can't do it, Sandy. It's interfering with my work. I can be a US Attorney, or an Indian Guide father. I can't be both. You do see my point, don't you? I suppose so. I just don't know how to tell Ben. Nobody has to tell me. I heard the whole thing. I knew this would happen. As soon as I have fun, make new friends, he quits. Sweetheart, there's other things you can do together. Sure! We can go to baseball games, movies. Till you get tired of them and quit. I told you he'd be just like Dad. I was afraid this was gonna happen. Isn't he overreacting a little? This is just about the stupid Indian Guides. It's not just about Indian Guides. I told you this was gonna be a difficult adjustment for Ben. But, oh no, Mr Expert had all the books on it (!) I'm doin' the best I can. Well, it doesn't seem to be good enough, does it? Now, what's that supposed to mean? It means... It means... I dunno... Maybe I made a mistake, and it's all happening too soon. Maybe I should wait till Ben is older and able to handle this better. Maybe we'd all be able to handle it better. If you really think you've made a mistake I'll move back to my place. I just wanted everything to work out. I wanted the three of us to become a family. Well, I want that, too. So, I'll just have to rearrange my schedule so I can be a US Attorney and an Indian Guide father. You sure? If Chet Bronski and Red Sweeney and that circus guy can do it, I can do it. I'll go upstairs and apologise and eat a little you-know-what. I did it, Monroe! I did it! I think I broke the love bubble. Just as well. Couldn't take much more of those Indian geeks. < Yeah, he quit. < I did my "upset child" act, and they started to fight. She said she'd wait till I was older. The guy's history. He'll be back in Tacoma by tomorrow. Did you speak to him? What? Did you speak to him? Oh, er... no. He was on the phone. I got a lotta work to do anyway. I'll talk to him in the morning. (MACHINERY NOISE) Chet? Sorry! Did I scare ya? Jack...! I'm sorry. They told me you'd be here. Well, it's my classroom. Fifteen years, now. Ahhh...! Adrenalin. So, what brings you out? Wanna make a spice rack for your mom? Hah, no. No, no, no... No, I just, y'know, drive by here every day, and I thought maybe... No, I thought maybe, you know. No, I thought I might drop by ` Say! This is nice. What is it? We like to call it a hammer, Jack. Oh! Of course! Does it take you this long to get to the point in court? Addressing a jury's a lot easier than what I came here to do. I need to ask your advice. Amazing how difficult it is for us guys to ask for anything, isn't it? You got that right. But we're all from the same tribe. Yeah. The Minotauk. No. The emotionally constipated American male over 40. What is it, Jack? It's Ben. He's been doing all he can to get rid of me. I think he hates my guts. He doesn't hate your guts. He's just scared. Scared you're gonna take away the most important thing in his life. His mom. Norman did the very same to me. Tried to get rid of me for months. What did you do? You and Norman seem to have a great relationship now. I just kept at it, and at it. That's where the Indian Guides came in. Helped a lot. Indian Guides helped? How? By levelling the playing field. The best way to reach a kid is to be one yourself now and again. I thought it'd be easier than this. Raising kids is one of the most difficult things. But in the end, it's worth it, believe me. Y'know, Chet, I can stand up to the toughest hoods in the country, and it doesn't phase me a bit. But an 11-year-old kid ` that's really scary. Yeah. Welcome to the club, Jack. Thanks, Chet. * # Hit the road, Jack # And don't come back # No more no more no more no more # Hit the road, Jack # And don't you come back no more Ben, Ben, one of the great men! We been waitin' for ya. What's goin' on? I thought you were leavin'? Why would I leave? I live here. Jack's not quitting the Indian Guides after all. Isn't that great? You're kidding. Absolutely not. And to prove it I'd like you to meet someone. Ben, this is Leonard Red Crow. Leonard, meet Ben. How. Excuse me, did you just say "How"? Just kidding. I like to say that. It makes people laugh. Leonard's the chief of the Salish Indian tribe. He's gonna help make the Minotauk the best tribe the Guide nation. Whaddaya think? Great. I knew you'd be thrilled. Teaching values and skills to kids is an important part of Indian life. Besides, I can use the beads and trinkets Jack offered me. I'm just kidding again. Ben, you're gonna have to learn to loosen up. Leonard's gonna teach us a real rain dance. In Seattle? What's the point? Who d'you think's responsible for all the rain? # Everybody dance now! # Gimme the music! # Gimme the music! # Everybody dance now! # Everybody dance now! (C&C MUSIC FACTORY "Everybody Sweat" continues) (THUNDERCLAPS) We did it! Wow! We did it! We did it! (CHEERING / LAUGHING) (THUNDERCLAPS) Ben? Hard Copy's on. Ben? You awake? I guess he's not coming. He's exhausted. I don't blame him. I'm tired, too. Should get to bed early tonight. Yeah. In fact... In fact, we can go to bed right now. Oh, I can't. I have so much work to do. We haven't been alone in such a long time. Sandy... I promise it won't take more than a couple of hours. OK. I'll be right back. Come on, Jack. Do I have to? I thought you liked Norm. He's OK, I guess. So, what's the problem? Seeing him for Guides is one thing, having him sleep over is completely different. Look, Norm's dad told me he doesn't have a lotta friends. I thought it'd be a nice gesture. Do me this favour, OK? Hangin' with a guy like that won't help my reputation. Yeah. Don't want it gettin' round what a nice guy you are. Alright. I'll do it. But just this once. Good. To make it special I got you guys an authentic Indian teepee. Chet's setting it up this afternoon. He's gonna set up a teepee?! Where? It was real nice of you to invite me to sleep over, Ben. Yeah. Sure. No sweat. Glad to do it. This is the first time I've been invited to sleep over at anyone's. No big deal. Don't worry about it. I brought you something. This is for me?! It must've cost you a fortune. Not really. I made it myself. All this beadwork musta taken forever. Well,... I haven't much else to do with my time, and I thought you might wanna have it. I gotta be honest with you, Norm. I don't really understand why you'd do something like this. Because I wanted to. Because we're part of the same tribe and everything. If you don't like it, tell me. My feelings won't get hurt. I like it very much, Norm. Thanks. You know what? I got an idea. You wanna go down to my room and play video games? Would I ever! Let's do it! I just got the new Subhumanoid Slaughterhouse 5000. It's cool, but it's hard. I didn't know it was out yet. I'm still playin' the 2000. 2000's for wimps, 5000's way better. When you kill Gakmo the commander, his head explodes like a giant zit. Cool! But you gotta watch out for Douglas the Vampire...(CHATTERING CONTINUES) Hey, Monroe. What are you wearing?! An Indian vest. What's it look like? Looks like Gakmo the subhumanoid's head exploded on your shirt (!) What are those things on it? Authentic Indian beads, Monroe. Aren't you goin' a little heavy on this Indian thing? I knew you'd get on my case, but it's not as bad as we thought. I've learned a lotta cool stuff. For example, can you shoot a bow and arrow, or throw a tomahawk? No. Well, I do. Should come in real handy next time you go buffalo hunting. Next weekend we going canoing on white water rapids. It'll be great. Gee. Sorry I can't come (!) Nice Indian beads, buddy (!) > What's with the vest (?!) Can I join your Indian club, too? Looks like Chingach-a-dork is locker-bound again. See what dressin' like an Indian gets ya? Hey, wh-where ya goin'? I'm gonna help him out. Hey! Whaddaya think you're doin'? Talkin' to us, punk?! I can't watch this. Let him go... Or face the consequences. (MARTIAL ARTS "CALLS") Sorry about that, Norm. I thought it'd work. That's OK, Ben. I appreciate the effort. You know, it's not so bad in here. Kind of peaceful. Yeah. It's amazing how you get used to it after a while. (BANGING) Hello? Anybody out there? Will someone please help us? Help. * Alright, Guides! Ready for the big canoe trip? (ALL) YEAH! Ready for rapids? YEAH! Some of us might fall out! YEAH! Be torn to bits by man-eating salmon! YEAH! Alright. Soon as Jack gets here we're vapour. So, Ben, did Jack say when he'd be here? He had to finish some work at the office, but he promised he'd be here by noon. Hey, if he promised, he'll be here. Oh, great (!) I'm late! I can't be late! This is it. What's goin' on here? My brakes are out! Bye-bye, Sturges! Have a nice life! Oh, no. NO BRAKES! SORRY, NO BRAKES! What happened over here? Come on, buddy ` move it! I don't believe it. I cut those brake lines. He should be dead. Don't worry about it. Unlucky break, that's all. We'll get another chance. Let's go, before somebody sees us. It's already 12.47. I think we should get going. Time's a-wastin'. I was sure Jack'd be here by now. I wonder what happened. Yeah. Right. Poor Ben. Someone's gotta tell him. Either one of you guys wanna do it? Cowards. OK, guys. Time to go. Let's load up. Listen, Ben, Red won't let us wait any longer for Jack. Oh. Sure, Mr Bronski. I understand. Y'know, Jack has a very important job. Not like me or Lloyd or Red. So whatever's keeping him will be pretty important. Yeah. Hey, you wanna come along with us? You can sit in the middle, Norm and I'll do the paddling. No, thanks, Mr Bronski. I don't feel much like goin' anyway. You sure? Absolutely. You guys go ahead and have a great time. I'll be OK. Hey, Ben. Hey-ha-wa-ya. Hi, honey. What are you doin' back so early? Where's Jack? He didn't show up. What d'you mean? What happened? He promised he'd be there, but he never showed up. So the other guys went on without me Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. I'm sure there's an explanation. He just found something better to do. No, I know Jack. He wouldn't do anything like that. Just like you knew Dad wouldn't do anything like that? (KNOCK ON DOOR) My God, what happened to you? I got caught in a downpour. I got soaked. When was it raining? I'll talk to ya later. I need to talk to Ben, first. I'll get you a towel. Thanks. I'm really sorry I missed the canoe trip, Ben. I had car trouble. I just couldn't make it. Don't worry about it. I wanted to be there, Ben. I really did. Could you get out of the chair with your wet clothes, please? Sorry. He's really takin' it hard. He was looking forward to the trip. And he was counting on you to be there. Believe me, what happened was unavoidable. I'm sure it was. But without meaning to, you broke a promise to him. Unfortunately, his father did that all the time. I pay for the mistakes his father made, don't I? I'm afraid it goes with the territory. I'll go talk to him. No. I'll go. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Ben? Talk to you a sec? Yeah. Sure. Do what you want. Look, Ben, I know you're mad at me and I know there's no reason for you to believe me, but I'll make this up to you. I swear. Hey, you know the Fourth of July camping trip's coming up? Yeah. What about it? Well, I give you my word, nothing'll spoil it. We're going, and we'll have the best time we've ever had. I promise. Yeah, sure. OK. Good. (SIGHS) Your hunch was right, Jack. That was no accident you had. Police say your brake lines were cut. Someone wants you dead. We'll transfer you to the Portland office for a while. Portland? Just until we get who's behind this thing. I'll get the Marshalls onto it. Have it wrapped up by the end of July, latest. July?! Forget it, Bob. Can't do it. Excuse me? Can't do it, Bob. Whaddaya mean "can't do it"? This isn't a negotiation, it's an order. Well, then... you can fire me, or I'll quit. But no Portland. Got something more important to do. Sorry, Bob. Mind telling me what's more important than staying alive? Right now, a camping trip with Ben. * (BIRDSONG) Hey, Chet, how about a sing-along? Great idea! Whadda we sing? How about "Louie, Louie"? Point of order, Jack. I believe it's "Louie, Lou-eye" and the boys may not know the lyrics. That's what's great about it, Red. No-one knows the lyrics. Mumble anything. Sounds fine. Who needs words anyway, right, Dad? (WHISTLES RESPONSE) (SING "LOUIE, LOUIE", VOICING DRUM AND GUITAR PARTS) (NATURAL SOUND FADES TO "LOUIE, LOUIE" BY THE KINGSMEN) Gee, Ben, there's a lotta stuff here. Sure glad it's a single. Can you imagine puttin' up a two-bedroomed teepee? No. But it's a very funny concept. Ben, that was a subtle way of... asking for help. You'll have to be more obvious, Jack. I'm just a kid. I don't get subtleties. OK, fine ` wanna give me a hand? No, I'd rather not. My back's sore. Oh. Alright. I'll ask somebody else for help. Hey, Lloyd! Can you help me out? (Let's make 'im laugh.) OK. This'll be up in no time! Lloyd says "In a New York minute." Let's do it. I'm alright. OK. Nice and long. Oh, perfect. We have to cross these. Make sure they're the same height. OK, good, bit more angle. I better hold it. OK? Keep it on an angle. We gotta slip this over. Argh! The foot again, Lloyd. Good job. Thanks, Lloyd. Let's get some water. Nice job on the tent, Sturges (!) OK, boys, settle in. We're gonna have to spend the night. Well, it doesn't get much better than this, eh, Guides? Anyone feel like a story? (ALL EXCEPT BEN) Yeah! Can I borrow your head dress, Chet? Yeah, sure. Be very careful. > OK, now. This is a very old Indian legend passed down through the generations. Either that, or I saw it on an episode of F Troop. Remember that? All the Indians were played by Italians. (IN MONOTONE) Them all talk like this. Real Native Americans don't talk like that. Yes. Squatting Dog know this. But intend use only for comic effect. OK. Many moon ago, was young Lakota brave name Young Crab ` so-called because him always in lousy mood, specially after father skip camp with secretary. Leave Young Crab alone take care of mother, name Lotsa Hair. (CHUCKLES) Years go by, Young Crab and Lotsa Hair become inseparable. Build new life. Young Crab so happy, even think he change name to Happy Face. Then, one day, Lotsa Hair bring home incredibly handsome Lakota warrior name Look So Darn Good. (CHUCKLES) She say, "Young Crab, this Look So Darn Good. I decide to marry him." "Can blame me? I mean, check it out one time." Young Crab not like Look So Darn Good from get-go. Not like way he ruin happy life Young Crab have with Lotsa Hair. So, do everything to make Look So Darn Good not look so darn hot. Pour glue in moccasin. (GROANS) Order 10 pizza, have deliver to Look So Darn Good teepee. Run up big bills calling 1-900 numbers. Little Guides, not try at home, by the way. Young Crab need some discipline. Trip to wood shed in order. No, no, Silver Fox. Young Crab not need discipline. Him just scared Look So Darn Good do same thing as father. Run away. Hurt Lotsa Hair and Young Crab all over again. Look So Darn Good must prove himself trustworthy. Good medicine, Running Horse. But... trust funny thing. No matter how hard one try, sooner or later bound to screw up. Break trust. Not mean to, but, hey,... poo happens. Now, what can Guides learn from this story? Uh, the most important thing... Little Guides must never call 1-900 numbers without parents' permission. Good point, Silver Fox, but way off, as usual. I think the lesson is about the importance of communication. Silent Thunder and Talking Rock correct. Communication always first step. It also means you have to learn to have faith in people. Even if sometimes they disappoint you. Dark Eagle hit nail right on head. Great story. A good lesson for all of us. I'm hungry, Dad. When are we eating? We gotta catch our breakfast. (RED) That coffee ready yet? Just about. Can we have bacon and eggs? If it's in the stream. (BUZZING INSECT) Morning, Jack! How'd you sleep? Fine. You seen Ben? Yeah. I asked him to go down to the creek. Fill the canteens. Oh. Glad you asked him and not me. We'd all die of thirst. Remember what I told you, buddy. Just keep at it. But, Chet, I'm about ready to give up. I've tried all I can think of to reach to him. It's just not workin'. It takes time. Believe it or not, you're doin' fine. Yeah. Real fine (!) < Tony, get outta there! You'll ruin your suit! Hey, I got one! I got one! Hey, Murray! Joey! Look at this! > I got a fish! I'm a regular Jacques Cousteau! The first time I fish in my entire life! I could actually enjoy this! After we kill Sturges, maybe we can come back, do this again. (Jack...) (Jack! Jack!) What's the matter? There's some guys in suits fishing. One said they're here to kill you. Where are they? Over there by the creek. C'mon, Tony! Enough of the fishin' already! Just one more, one more! I'm good at this! But no good at arrangin' car accidents, or Sturges'd be dead and we wouldn't be in a forest! Like Robin Hood and his Merry Men! What accident, Jack? I thought you just had car trouble. I did have car trouble. I just didn't tell you how much. OK, so tell me now. Jack, tell me! OK. Those guys did something to the brakes in my car. I ended up in the bay. No big deal. No big deal?! Why didn't you tell me? I didn't wanna worry you both. I thought you made up a story to get out of the canoe trip. If you'd told me, I wouldn't have gotten so upset. I tried to do the right thing. Chet, I need you to do something for me. Don't ask questions, but some guys followed me here. They're after me. What do you mean "after you"? I put a man in jail for 50 years and his son's upset about it. OK. What do you want us to do? You and the boys go back to the ranger station. Try to get help. I'll lead them up the mountain, till you get back. But if we stayed we could help. I concur with Silent Thunder, Jack. With eight of us, there must be something we can do. I appreciate it, guys. But they're after me, not you. It's too dangerous to stay together. OK. We'll be back quick as we can. Little Guides, let's move out! That means you, too, Ben. No, I'm stayin' here with you. You're not staying with me. But I can help. You'd be more help seeing the others get down OK. Now, go on ` get outta here. I mean it. Ben. Thanks, anyway. I appreciate it. I'll go round, meet you on the other side. Bet we beat you there! I got you now, Sturges. Murray! Tony! Get ready! The fun is about to begin! * (CRACKING WOOD) (GROANS) Great (!) Just what I need. (SNAPPING TWIGS) (FOOTSTEPS) ACH...! Gesundheit. Ben, what are you doin' here? I came to help you. Whaddaya think? I don't need any help. Oh, really. What were you gonna do when those guys came? Lie there and pretend to be a slug? Exactly. Now get outta here. You're blowin' my cover. You can't tell me what to do ` you're not my father. I knew you'd say that eventually. So, how's the leg? Except for the throbbing pain, it's great. Then we can't outrun 'em. We'll have to slow 'em up till the others bring help. We've no chance. They're hired killers with guns. So? We've got bows and arrows and a tomahawk. We'll need more than that. Red Crow told me that when you need an answer, just listen to nature and the answer will be provided to you. How d'you know he wasn't kidding again? Trust me. OK. I'll listen. Could you ask nature to speak up? I can't hear a thing. Sshh! (FAINT HUMMING) (LOUD HUMMING) Thank you, Red Crow! Alright, slow and easy. C'mon, don't get away from me! Easy, Ben... Don't shake it. That's good... steady, steady... Ow! Whassa matter with you?! Get him on his feet! C'mon, you look ridiculous. Hey! Your hands are filthy, don't touch the suit! You guys go that way. I'm goin' this way. Think he knows what he's doin'? I dunno, don't care, long as we hit him. My suit's full of twigs! That 4th St guy, he'll never get 'em out! I got fish goop all over my pants! Tony, never call me for a job like this again! Don't worry, I won't! Ah-ha...! Indian stuff. Got him! OK, ready? Ready. Let's do it. Look. More of that bead junk. They gotta be around here somewhere. (WHISTLE) Hey, look. His kid. I think he's gonna shoot us with his little bow and arrow. Oooh. I'm really scared. Maybe we should take cover. BEEHIVE! BEEHIVE! Tony! They're biting me! Leave me alone! Good shot, Little Wing. You, too, Squatting Dog. We oughta think about changing my name. Good idea (!) How about Dead Meat? Not so tough now, are ya, Sturges?! Hey, if you wanna beg for your life like a little worm, go ahead. Y'know, I expected something better than this from you. Whaddaya mean?! The ol' seal 'em up in an old mine with dynamite routine (?!) What's wrong with it? It's boring! Shows a complete lack of imagination. Right (!) I suppose you could think of something better? Without even trying. Hurl us off a cliff onto jagged rock? That's not any better! After you've drilled holes in the back of our head to make it look like an industrial accident. Or you could wrap us in wet rawhide so when it dried it'd mash our bones and squeeze our insides out our orifices like a tube of toothpaste. I saw it on America's Most Wanted. Lemme tell ya, Sturges ` this kid is sick! If I wasn't gonna kill yous I'd suggest you get him psychiatric help. Immediately. Tony, light the fuse before this little demento gets any more ideas. Bye-bye, Sturges! Bye-bye, kid! Jack, what are we gonna do? Don't worry, Ben. It'll be OK. What the hell is this? Charades? He says throw down your weapons or you'll be stupid-looking pin cushions. Well, "stupid-looking" I added. Yeah, right (!) Like I'm gonna surrender to one screwball with a bow and arrow. Murray, put a bullet in his head. < Excuse me, there! Point of order! I believe it is illegal to possess firearms in a state park. As an authorised representative of the Dept of Motor Vehicles, a state agency, I must confiscate those weapons. Oh. Now there's two. I'm really scared. Make that three! Four! Five! Six! We're surrounded! Whadda we do, Joey? They got bows and arrows, you got guns ` whaddaya think?! Shoot them! Let 'em have it! Geerrrrrr...ooonnnnnn....immmo! That's it! No more playin' around! I don't think so, Joey! Red, some more garbage for the pile. Sure thing, Squatting Dog. OK, dirtbags, on your feet. And no smart stuff ` I got the gun. Get up! Wow! You guys OK? Never better. Thanks for comin' back. Hey, we're Indian Guides ` we stick together. It's what it's all about. Besides, if we'd gone anywhere else we'd've got lost in about 8 seconds. Thanks, Lloyd. That was a great shot. (WHISTLE) Y'know, Ben, those are the weirdest bunch of guys I ever met. But I like 'em. Yeah, they're definitely unusual. But who wants normal anyway, right? Ben, I wanted to thank you, too, for comin' back. It was a very brave thing to do. I couldn't just let 'em kill you. Afterall, I think my mom wants to keep you around for a while. And, well,... I guess I do, too. Let's go home. So, Ben, now we're buddies, is it OK if I marry your mom? Well, I dunno, Jack... There are a few things I need to know about you first. Is that all you make?! It's not exactly minimum wage! For a big-shot attorney for federal government? Well, they make up for it in benefits. Which will be handy for replacing the teeth I'm gonna knock out of your head. Any bad habits I should know about? I drink milk straight from the carton. Sometimes I use a spoon... (and put it back in the drawer.) Any chance you'll turn into a serial killer and boil our heads? Don't be silly. I haven't done that in years! So, do I pass the test? You'll do, I guess. Mind if I tell your mother the good news? Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Oh, by the way, about the boiling heads ` I lied. Jack. What? OK, I didn't lie. No, no, come here. Look what you've done. Huh... It's a circle. Sandy! Mom! What's the matter? Come here. Look what Jack did. Well, whaddaya know...! It's done. (INDIAN CHANT) 'As you probably already figured out, I let Jack marry my mother.' 'Seemed only fair after what I'd put him through.' 'We still go to Indian Guides.' 'Last week we made him our new chief. ' 'Next week we make reindeer outta clothespins.' 'Mr Sweeney is still a perfectionist.' 'The Indian Guides came out with a new guide book, so he's memorising that one.' 'He says he's already found two typos.' 'Mr Small still doesn't talk. I still don't know why.' 'But when you think about it, Darryl was right ` who needs words anyway.' 'Mr Bronski still acts like a big kid most of the time.' 'But just cos you grow up, doesn't mean you have to stop havin' fun.' 'Norman still gets stuffed in his locker most every day.' 'But with me around, at least now he has some company.' 'Monroe is beginning to come around. He's even thinking of joining.' 'As long as he doesn't have to sleep outside on the ground.' 'If you'd told me two months ago I'd end up enjoying Indian Guides, I'd have said you were crazy.' 'Funny how things turn out.' 'And my mom?' 'Well, I never saw her so happy.' 'I'll tell you one thing's for sure ` Jack's a really lucky guy.' 'But then, so am I.' (NO NATURAL SOUND) 'I'd like to tell you we all lived happily ever after, but it's too soon to tell.' 'I guess the lesson to be learned is that sometimes you have to trust people, and hope things work out.' 'After all, nothing is perfect. Is it?' IMS Subtitles. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019