Hello, Joseph's mother? Is your son a good lover? Oh, is it that time of month? (CHUCKLES) (THUMP!) What if we have a few wines, and then all of a sudden I'm in your bed? I don't know why I asked that. I'm so sorry. We're off to see Judith Collins today ` MP ` and, um, we're not allowed to film outside of her house or where she lives because she's scared that Maori radical people will come and shit in her letterbox, much similar to what I did in 1994. Anyhoodle, let's go see Crusher Collins. Crush! Well, you think she'd have a nicer car. She's only got a Ford. Oh no, here she is. She's got a BMW and a James Bond car. Oh, that house is divine. Oh my God, look ` a little` a little cave. That's probably where she keeps all the children. OK, Judie. Oh God. (JUDITH LAUGHS) Oh, Judith. Oh, Judie. Hi, Judie. So I hear your dulcet tones. (LAUGHS, VOCALISES) Hello. This is Holly. She's so excited to see you. (CHUCKLES) I can see. (CHUCKLES) And you've got all dolled up for me as well. I always get dolled up. I know. You're gorgeous. Yes. (CLACK!) OK. So, just before we start, I just wanna check some of my notes,... Yeah. ...cos our researcher's going through a bit of a rough patch. Right. (LAUGHS WHEEZILY) I think she's on it. Uh, Judith grew up on a dairy farm in Hamilton, studied` In the Waikato. Hamilton's actually a city. In Waikato. OK. Okey-dokey. (LAUGHS) Studied law at Auckland Uni, where she met hubby David, a cop, who arrested her for being a public nuisance? No. (LAUGHS) OK, sorry. Sorry. Is known as Crusher Collins cos of a party trick you did at uni with beer cans and your forehead? (LAUGHS) Your` Your researcher's clearly having a bad day. She's on the glass barbecue. Um, you're a big fan of the Kardashians because they made big old T and A fashionable again. Well, that's the only thing I like about them. Yeah, but they're still sluts. And they have made an entire industry out of themselves. I'm 50/50 about them. OK. I don't watch them, but I do` OK, rambling. Um, is related to Joseph Parker, the b` Yes, I am. Can't you tell? Are you? Um... His dad is first cousin to my husband,... Oh, oh. ...and he calls me Auntie and my husband Uncle, and I call him our nephew. 'Auntie. Auntie, stop doing what you're doing, Auntie.' That's the power you possess with those eyebrows. (YELLS, CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) So, you were originally a Labour supporter... Mm. ...before you became a National Party animal. Wha` What happened there? My mother was a Labour supporter, and, you know, you've just got to wonder why. Um, I did wait until after she'd died before I went into politics. (BOTH LAUGH) Well, she always said that politics was full of nasty people who would be very cruel to me. Actually so wrong ` clearly not. (BOTH LAUGH) There's lots of pictures of you on the internet with guns. (GUNSHOTS) Do you like guns? They've had a lot of gun-type portfolios. I know what I'm doing. Are you good at shooting a gun? Apparently I'm very good with an AK-47. I took out Osama bin Laden on a poster... (LAUGHS) ...before he became` before the Seals ` Navy Seals. (LAUGHS) Say there is actually heaven and hell and you die,... Mm, mm. ...God rest your soul,... Mm-hm. ...and you go to hell, what` who would you most want to talk to, aside from Margaret Thatcher, of course? It's obvious. But she'll be in heaven. Heaven? Are you sure? She'll be in heaven. Yeah. She saved her country, yep. Ooh, you really like her. So you won't be able to talk to her, then. BOTH SING: # Na-na-na-na. (PLAYS GUITAR) # Hey, Jude-ith. # ...Collins, or Crusher Collins, as she likes to be called. Well, not really, but there we go. Let's just cut that out. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) You've had some trouble with fake news. Hang on. Wait. Hang on. (CHUCKLES) There's a note. READS: 'Maybe don't bring up the fake news stuff. She's probably sensitive about it.' I'm seriously not sensitive about anything. SIGHS: Oh, thank God. OK, but you have had trouble with passing off some fake news as real news, eh? (CHUCKLES) Well, so people tell me. Let me st` Let me stop you there. Let's sort this once and for all with an actual NASA-level fake news test, OK? This camera is equipped with truth-ology technology. Fantastic (!) Look straight into it, and answer 'fake news' or 'real as, bro'... Hmm. ...to these statements. Real as, bro. OK. The moon landing never really happened. That was absolutely real as, bro. Thank you. Moose are alive and well and roaming in Fiordland. I think it might be fake. Elvis is alive and well and living in Queenstown under the name of Kim Dotcom. No, that's definitely fake news. Elvis could sing. Oh, this is a good one. Simon Bridges will be the next PM. Oh yes, that's true. It's 'real as, bro'. Real as, bro. Yeah. Winston Peters is at least 150 years old and is probably a vampire. (CHUCKLES) Unfortunately fake news. (BOTH LAUGH) But it seems like it. But very good story. OK, we have to send that off to NASA to get the results. OK, fine. I listened to the moon landing. Did you? Yeah. WHISPERS: How old are you? I know. (WHISPERS) Not that old. WHISPERS: '69, 10.' Oh, you're the same age as my mum. Oh! (INHALES SHARPLY) Fantastic (!) Is this the day room? This is` This is where my husband has his TV. (MOUTHS) So, your husband's got a TV room; you've got a TV room. Yeah, so we've been married for 33 years,... (RETCHES) ...and I say the secret to longevity in a relationship... ...is never see each other. ...is two different remote controls for different` (LAUGHS) So there's no argument. Is your bum real, Judith? (CHUCKLES) So, what's the last thing you changed your mind about? Because the last thing I know of was you were against gay marriage in 2004. No, I wasn't. Then you changed your mind in 2012. I was not. Oh, it said` My research is` No, I was against civil union,... Oh. ...not gay marriage. I said if you want to have` Which inherently means gay marriage. No, I said` Mm. I said at the time in Parliament... Yup. ...if you make it marriage, I will vote for it. You know what? I'm against gay marriage, cos I've been married twice, and it's not all it's cut out to be. Well, I` If you'd have told me that, I would've been like, 'Nah, don't worry about it.' I've already sorted it for you. You just need two TV rooms and your own space. I'm gonna talk to Natasha about that tonight. Just sort that out. Do you get your own, like, person on the side as well? (CLICKS TONGUE) No, I don't think that's gonna be good for it, no. Oh. What's your signature dish? So, say if` if you turned lez and I` my wife left me cos I cheated on her and you had me over for a date, what would you lay on to impress me? Well, I would cook, uh, smoked salmon. So, I make my own smoked salmon. I have a little smoker. (GROANS) Y-Yeah, yep. What about salmon breath when we're at` later on getting it on? Oh, well, I wasn't thinking about that, actually. I'm sorry. I` I don't know that I will go lez at any stage. So no lez for you? I don't think` Cos I think` you know, don't you have to, like, be` almost, like, be` be lez? ...interested? I don't think people go lez, do they? Yeah. Well, you could do it for votes. I'm not someone who says you have to do things for votes. OK. So not lez? Probably not, no. So we're just friends? Yeah. But what if we have a few wines and then all of a sudden I'm in your bed, we're making love? I don't know ` just thinking. That would be really interesting, wouldn't it? (LAUGHS) Imagine that, eh. We'd be an odd couple, wouldn't we? That would be a story. (LAUGHS) I reckon we could be front-page Vogue. We'd be holding hands like this ` like that,... Yeah. ...and I'd be like, 'She my boo,' and you'd be like, 'She my little brown girl. (CLICKS TONGUE)' (INHALES DEEPLY) I like you, Crusher Collins. You and I could be lifelong buddies, I reckon. Imagine us as a couple of old ladies. What fun we'd have. Can you imagine that? Hmm... (CHEERFUL ORCHESTRAL MUSIC) Hi, honey. I'm home. Don't you 'hi, honey' me. Ugh, what have I done now? Ooh. It's not our anniversary, is it? No. Is it your birthday? No. Oh, is it that time of month? Very funny. (CHUCKLES) It's the rubbish. You've been putting the cardboard in with the food scraps again. Sometimes I don't think you care about the future of Papatuanuku. Ugh! God, is that it? For one moment I thought you'd found my secret phone where I have secret hook-ups and drug deals. (GASPS) Oops. Did I just say that out loud? Yes, you did. And just for that, you can give me a nice back rub. OK, well, take your teeth out, and then we'll (SNAPS FINGERS) give it a go. No! (BOTH LAUGH) I think that's funny. Is this funny? LAUGHS: That was funny. Can you teach me the Judith look ` you know, the face that scares grown men? My dad used to do this to anyone who used to come to take me out when I was a teenager,... (CHUCKLES) Yeah. ...and he'd just look at them. That's the power you possess with those eyebrows. Mm. (YELLS, CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) That looks like my wife when she's angry with me and I'm gonna get the bash. Like` Oh, really? Surely not. No, she doesn't` She doesn't beat me much. No, surely not. Don't. Don't give me 'much'. OK, I'll show you my look. OK. OK, where's your look? Action. (SNIGGERS) (LAUGHS) Don't laugh! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) It's dumb, eh? (LAUGHS) You just look puzzled. (LAUGHS) I know. (ROUND BELL DINGS) When did you last cry? Ooh. It was about a month ago. I was in South Korea at the United Nations Cemetery for our war dead, and I cried then. I go and visit our war dead when I can. Aw. That's truly, truly good for votes. So, sit up straight. Mm. Good girl. How green are you, Judith? Let's find out. Mm, I recycle. Ooh, that was my second question. Fantastic. But it was ` how full-on is your recycling game, or do you just chuck it all in the bin like a boss? I think I'm pretty good on my recycling. Yeah. OK. Is climate change real, or do we humans need to cut our emissions, even if the farmers and miners who tend to vote National don't like it? Well, I think it is real,... Mm. ...but it's` how much of it is from humans from New Zealand is an entirely different story. What's the most green thing you've ever done, like made kombucha, used a menstrual cup, grown kale, brought a Keepcup? I have no idea what you're talking about. When was the last time you used the word that Marama Davidson wants to reclaim? Yuck! No. Ew. Never. You don't like it. It's only a word. What if it's, like, you're hanging out with your lover and you use it in a nice context like that? Like` I will never use it. My mother would be rolling in the grave. (LAUGHS) (CHUCKLES) She'll be rolling in the grave for many a reason. She never` She never used to swear. Really? Never. Oh man. Like, that's the first word I learnt. Oh, poor` No, but she said it nicely. Like, 'You can have a lolly if you bring me the effing beer, you effing C.' No. OK, 'elephant in the room' time. Oh no, another one. Yes. Hang on. I'll` I'm gonna leave space for a sound effect. When will you finally stab Simon in the back and walk over his corpse and seize the blue sword and slay Jacinda? Um` (LAUGHS) Am I right? Am I right? Ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong! Not doing it. (GROANS) No. I'm just very happy doing what I'm doing, and, um, I always support the leader. What if he has a nasty accident? Like, what if a drumstick fell in his ear or something? Oh, look, I'm sure that there's plenty of people who want to have that job. (PLAYS DRUMS) Where do you see yourself in five years? Hopefully back in Government. Prime minister? Happy to be a minister. SOFTLY: Prime minister. Happy to be a minister, dear. Prime minister. Happy to be a minister. SINGS: # Prime minister. # (LAUGHS) Imagine if you were Prime Minister. (GASPS) (IMITATES MISSILES FALLING AND EXPLODING) (LAUGHS) I'm sorry. I'm just imagining the end of the world. (BOTH SIGH) You complete me, Judith Collins. You complete me, Judith Collins. Why are you copying me? Why are you copying me? Why are you saying everything I say? Why are you saying everything I say? Why are you being mean to me? Why are you being mean to me? I love you, Anika. I love you, Gin Wigmore. (GASPS) (SNIGGERS) Hello, Joseph's mother? Is your son a good lover? (THUMP!) I don't know why I asked that. I'm so sorry. * I know I was meant to take you for your butt implants, but I have to interview the` a legend ` Joseph Parker, boxer. WOMAN: Oh, is he that Tongan boy, bub? No, he doesn't eat horse. He loves burgers, pies, KFC. He's Samoan. Are you off to the Islands? No, he lives in South Auckland, but it's really flash, so I'm really confused. And don't forget you've still got that chillybin and my foot spa. OK, gotta go now. Good luck with your bum. When are you gonna bring th`? OK, bye, Mum. Joseph. Joseph. Where are you? Yo. Jo` Oh, kia ora. (CHUCKLES) So nice to meet you. Mwah! Nice to meet you. Aw, thanks. Welcome to my home. Thank you. This is beautiful. Jo-fis Parker. Yes. Tell me about your Samoan name, and can you teach me to pronounce it? I'll try it first, though. OK. SLOWLY: Lupesolo-ai La'au-liolemali-etoa Joseph Parker. Very close, but just` So it's wrong. Yeah, wrong. So how do you say it? Lupesoliai La'auli Jo` Oh no, I got it wrong myself. (BOTH CHUCKLE) ...olemalietoa Joseph Parker. Or just Joseph Parker for short. Oh, if you want simple. What does it mean? La'auli is a warrior, and Lupesoliai is also a name I've been given from the prime minister in the country of Samoa for what I've been able to do for the country. The prime minister of Samoa gave you your name? Yeah. That is so out of it. I know. So, Muhammad Ali was the greatest. There was Smokin' Joe Frazier,... Smokin' Joe. (CHUCKLES) ...but you never went with a nickname. Why not? Um, nothing really stuck. OK, here's some names for you. How about Joseph 'Shut up your face' Parker? Yeah. Next one. Uh, Joseph 'Shh (IMITATES PUNCH)' Parker? Do you come up with these yourself? Is that good? What about Joseph, like, Talofa. Um, what about just Joseph '(IMITATES PUREREHUA)' Oh, there. Oh. (CHUCKLES) That's the... That's the taker. ...Parker. (CHUCKLES) I'd be, like, Anika 'I'll show you extinct' Moa. Get it? Cos moas are ex` Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll keep working on it. So, you really take your rubbish up in this? I do, yeah. (CHUCKLES) I was running up this driveway. Yeah. For fitness? For fitness, yeah, and I go for a long run. But when I'm running up, I don't wanna stop. If the neighbours are watching,... Yeah. ...they might think, 'Oh, look at this guy. He's supposed to be fit.' Whee! Oh, the serenity. That's a Samoan family. (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Malo! Malo. (EXCITING ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Mmm, smells good. Eh, eh. (CHUCKLES) So, you've won every fight of your career except for the last two. Soz. Ooh, stink, stink. Sorry. Rub it in my face when it's still sore. Will Joseph Parker be the heavyweight champion of the world again? Yes. Does this make the next fight really important? Yes, the next fight's very important. It's serious stuff. The next fight's serious. It's very serious. I think it'll take maybe three or four fights to get back to the top, but we have to win all of them... Wow. Yup. ...and win in good fashion,... Yep. ...otherwise down the ladder you go. Do you remember the first punch that you made and you thought, 'Hey, I could do this for a living'? Yeah, I was, uh, 16, and I` I saw this` I went to a fight. And there was this massive guy, and I looked at him. I was like, 'Bro, he's scary.' But then I got in there and beat him up, and I thought, 'Man, this is, um` This is cool.' How important is the whole weigh-in circus? Is that just showbiz? Some of it's showbiz; some of it's real. You know, you gotta look good, feel good. Yup. Do you sometimes feel like you should just go a little bit cross-eyed just to put them off a bit? Like that? Yeah, yeah. Cos that'll really put them off. In the beginning I actually laugh at them cos I find it funny. No man likes being laughed at. I know. But then, honestly, some of them, when they breathe on you,... Yeah. It's like, 'Whew! (LAUGHS WHEEZILY) (CHUCKLES) I reckon I could beat you in a weigh-in circus, Joseph Parker. I may not be able to outpunch you, but I could out-staunch you. Bring it on. (HIP-HOP MUSIC) What do you have, Cupcake? What's that, Muffin Top? What's that, Pumpkin Pie? What'd you say, um` Bro, you're looking for your sweet-and-sour... ...bacon and e` What? ...chicken. Did anyone tell you you had beautiful eyes? What? Yeah. Oh, who? You. Well, when? But do you know what? What? That's just a compliment that I don't like. (SNIGGERS) I'm more of a lover than a fighter. Are you a good lover? For me, I think I am, but let's ask those who` let's ask the person who` let's ask those who I love ` family and friends. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) That was` (LAUGHS) No, that's a keeper. (LAUGHS) Oh man. Ask those or ask` Hello, Joseph's mother? Is your son a good lover? (LAUGHS) No, she says yes. OK, bye! Yeah, bye. But, you know, the family love is good, you know. Hey, family love here, love here. I'm talking sex. We're not talking family love, so... Oh! That's... Gross, eh. Yeah, nah. That's` I mean` I don't know why I asked that. I'm so sorry. (THUMP!) You missed the birth of your babies?! I'm gonna have one side of my face have laser skin resurfacing, and the other side, L'Oreal Revitalift Laser Cream, and we'll see if the results compare. I actually feel my skin looks much, much better than it did four weeks ago on both sides. You can get similar results without the pain. Revitalift Laser from L'Oreal Paris. * Paint me a picture of your childhood. You grew up not far from here in South Aukilani. My parents were born in Samoa, came to New Zealand, and they worked very hard. I'm very close to my siblings and my parents. So, when you go to Samoa, is it like when I go back to Hornby in Christchurch ` people waving, crying and asking for that $20 I owe them? In` Are you treated like a god back in Samoa? That's what I'm trying to ask you. I'm treated like a champion boxer. Really? And if` So` Not champ any more, you know. Ooh, that's awkward. Right, Woman's Day section now. Cue the Woman's Day music now. (METAL MUSIC) No, not` No, not that. (BOSSA NOVA MUSIC) That's better. And we should do some Woman's Day poses, (STAMMERS) like, make cheesy faces, like` OK, how, like? (CHUCKLES LIGHTLY) Right. Do you have a great scone recipe or preserving tip? No. After you made a bit of cash from beating up people, the first thing you did was buy a house for your parents. That's the ultimate working-class dream. Did they cry? They were very, um, thankful, happy and proud. Did it feel better than winning the world championship? I loved being a champion of the world when I won it, and it was a great moment, but being able to pay for your parents' house and look after them, that's a different feeling altogether. It's a great feeling, eh. Oh, the best. You have two lovely miracle babies,... but you missed their births. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) Why do you say it like that? Cos you` Oh well. Cos you were away beating people up overseas. Actually ` stop the Woman's Day music there. You missed the birth of your babies?! Like, it doesn't sound good at all, but` No. ...I was training for a fight, and the flight wasn't located here in New Zealand, so I have to, um` (CHUCKLES) ...work hard. Any other excuses` I mean, explanations? Nah, nah. No other explanations or excuses. (CLEARS THROAT) (LAUGHS) To make up for missing the birth of your girls, would you like to come to my upcoming birth? Uh, when? In March. Damn, I have a fight in March. (BOTH LAUGH) (LAUGHS) Ah. So you can't come? Sorry, cos of the` No, cancel Joseph Parker. Yeah, he was gonna cut the cord. No, and sing a waiata. Yeah. (CLICKS TONGUE) OK, bye, darling. No, I know. I'm upset too. OK, bye, darling. It's boxing business. You can't really` You know, the dates are already` You know, sorry. Is that what you say to your wife? Do you go, (IMITATES JOSEPH) 'Oh no, I can't come to the birth 'cos of the boxing.' Do I sound like that? (BOTH LAUGH) OK. I think the question most people want to ask you is ` (LAUGHS) have you ever punched yourself by accident? Yes. Yeah. (LAUGHS) Do you know what? And it's embarrassing. In training or on the live stage? In training. Oh, thank God. Yeah. (HIP-HOP MUSIC) (WHOOSH!) (THUMP!) Back in the day, they used to fight like this. Is that how you hit yourself in the face? Glove slid off the other glove and went... Yeah. (LAUGHS) That's how you punch yourself in the face. Yeah. Boom, so, and then like that. (STAMMERS) (GRUNTS) Oi. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (HIP-HOP MUSIC) (WHOOSH!) (THUMP!) (HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES) (THUMP!) If it wasn't for boxing,... Yeah. ...would you be in a gang or jail or part of Sol3 Mio? I reckon Sol3 Mio. (LAUGHS) Imagine that. (VERDI'S 'LA DONNA E MOBILE') Can you sing me some opera now? I haven't had` I haven't practised in a long time. Just yes or no will do. No. I'm sorry. OK. Cool. If it wasn't for boxing, what would you be doing? I had a scholarship to study construction after school, and I travelled so much that I missed the whole process of building a house. (CHUCKLES) And so I came back, and it's still on hold right now. You can fall back on that if you don't win. Oh, you know. Yeah, I love working with my hands. Well, obviously, don't you? Well, like, you know, obviously, yeah. Beating people up. (IMITATES RIM SHOT) (LAUGHS) Can you play drums? Yeah, yeah. Go, go. Do a beat, and I'll do a freestyle. (BEATBOXES) RAPS: # Yeah, I'm at Joseph Parker's house. Yeah, I'm skinny as a mouse. # Not even. I'm as fat as a fucking elephant. # Ah yeah. # Yo, yo. Elephant in the room ` what happens after boxing? What's your escape plan when you get old ` like, my age? I have a lot of things I wanna do. I wanna be a pilot. That'll take too long, eh? (LAUGHS) Um, I wanna` No, it wouldn't. Are you colour-blind? No. Well, you can be. OK, you know what? Dreams can come true. Oh, wait. No, you're brown. You can't. (BOTH LAUGH) (BOTH PLAY GUITAR) Yeah. Yeah. (TRIANGLE RINGS) I always tell people I play the triangle. CHUCKLES: You're really good at it, too. LAUGHS: No. WHISPERS: He's not. My fist is bigger. You'd make a great lesbian. (TUTS) (BOTH LAUGH) Did you seriously think I was gonna answer that? You've got more chance of me picking my nose and eating it. I had an erotic dream about... Marvellous. Marvellous! This is a good Woman's Day story. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) I'll ring them tomorrow.