Did you seriously think I was going to answer that? You've got more chance of me picking my nose and eating it. I had an erotic dream about... Marvellous. Marvellous! This is a good Woman's Day story. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) I'll ring them tomorrow. (UPBEAT MUSIC) Now, I want to show you something. I want to show you down the camera. It says 'Anika Unleashed'. Anika's not even here. Now, I don't want to behave like an uptight white guy, although I am one, but frankly, when you invite someone for an interview it is actually beholden upon you to be present to do it. And so I'd like to begin this programme by saying, 'Poor form, Anika Moa.' (UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) (ANIKA SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) Ladies and gentlemen, disproving the adage 'better late than never',... 10 minutes late, come on! ...here is Anika Moa to join us on her own show. So good of you to be here, Anika. (SUCKS TEETH, SIGHS) All the entitlement of a white man. (LAUGHS) Have a seat in your seat. Oh my God, it's like it's your show. It's like John Campbell Unleashed. Well, that's because I turned up. SOFTLY: Hello, baby. HIGH-PITCHED: Hi, Daddy. (LAUGHS) Oh, I forgot to tell you; you're the Dad of my child. Remember that one-night stand we had at the TV Awards last year? I remember I was sensational, actually. (BOTH LAUGH) Ew, yuck. John bloody Campbell, eh? Yeah. Conscience of the nation. Journalistic icon ` to me. (CHUCKLES) Sensitive, New Age Kiwi bloke. Battler for the little guy. Kia ora, John. Kia ora. It's nice to have you here. We've been trying to get you for, oh,... Yeah. ...about four weeks. Nah! You can't invite people on to your programme and be really rude to them. That's the whole premise of this programme. How do you feel when people impersonate you? Because you're one of those people that Kiwis like to have a crack at, like The Mad Butcher,... IMITATES THE MAD BUTCHER: Mate! Mate! ...Steve Hansen. Yeah. A few years ago, The Mad Butcher would call me from time` And I can't remember what it was. Why would he call you? I don't know. He'd pick up the phone and he'd go, (IMITATES THE MAD BUTCHER) 'What the fuck are you up to, mate? 'Ya liberal fucking wanker!' (LAUGHS) Or whatever. And I just` I don't know. They used to make me tremendously happy to be the recipients of those phone calls. (LAUGHS) But anyway... Yeah, people imitate me all the time. They come up to me all the time ` walk up to me in the street and go, (LOW-PITCHED) 'I'm John Campbell.' They do my voice. (LOW-PITCHED) 'I'm John Campbell.' And that's a sign of respect? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about Cohen Holloway? He did a good John Campbell. Yeah, fantastic. IMITATES JOHN: But they must be taking you seriously, Osama. I mean, they've doubled your bounty to` to $50 million. LOUDLY: Ha! He's a clever young man. He's awesome, eh? Yeah, he is. When did you realise that you said (IMITATES JOHN) 'marvellous' a lot, and have you become self`conscious about it? Yeah, I never say that word now. Haven't said it for years. I haven't heard it for years. I haven't said it for 10 years. When people would come up to me` The worst one was I'd had a shit of a day, and I was at New World College Hill, and I just was (GRUNTS) fuckin' over it. Anyway, I'm queuing, and suddenly the young woman at the checkout gets her phone out, unlocks the code, puts it on to video mode, shoves it in my face and says, 'Say marvellous!' Ohhh. And all I wanted to say was, 'Shove it up your arse'. (BOTH LAUGH) But I went 'marvellous', just so I could get out of there. And you think, 'I'm never gonna say that word again,' and I don't think I've said it since. Well, you literally just said it then, so... You may have noticed that we are in a bowling club. Yeah. I now challenge you to a bowl to the death. OK. Are you ready to rumble? Yeah, but (STAMMERS) no one's going to die, are they? Well, you could die. I suppose there could be a meteor shower or something. I could kill you. OK. With these. (CHORTLES) (ENERGETIC TECHNO MUSIC) That was terrible! Oh no! (COUGHS) What a fucking loser. Ohhh! (YELLS EXCITEDLY) Oh, fuck. Oh, what am I even doing? (CHORTLES) Oh no! (SCREAMS EXCITEDLY) (BOTH LAUGH) Whoo! Yus, I beat John Campbell! You seem very politically correct, John Campbell. Let's test you, shall we? OK. In this camera, we have a state`of`the`art PC Gone Mad sensor. Look straight into the camera, and answer as honestly as you can. OK. Yeah. Is it OK for a white-y to use the term, 'More hui and less do-y'? Hi, camera. I wouldn't use that term. Have you ever put on an Indian accent while talking about Indian food? No. Is it ever OK for a man to call a woman a bitch? Well` Like, 'good bitch'. 'That's my bitch.' 'Sup, bitch.' Well, I... 'Pass the Cody's, you biatch.' I wouldn't do that. Have you ever felt a twinge of relief when you hear a Maori person butcher a Maori place name,... (CHUCKLES) ...because it makes you feel less of a Pakeha loser? Probably. (CHORTLES) Probably. (ELEPHANT TRUMPETS) Yeah! (LAUGHS) Yes, yes! Whoo! It's Taupo! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) What's up with you?! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) EXAGGERATED COMMON ACCENT: Oh, sorry 'bout it. Fuck you, John Campbell. What a (BLEEP)! PRONOUNCES INCORRECTLY: Whakatane. (LAUGHS) My spies tell me that while John Campbell is very polite and is well-spoken in public, behind the scenes, he swears like a fucking motherfucker. I swear enormously. I think the reason is that when you use words for a living,... Yeah. ...and, you know, I try and place them reasonably carefully in a premeditated fashion, sometimes you just need to let rip. Yeah. And also sometimes you need a shorthand. There are few more useful, versatile, extraordinary words in the English language than 'fuck'. I mean, there's not a situation it can't handle. It's a remarkable word. Anger. If you need to deploy a single word, whether it's grief or delight or excitement or whatever, 'fuck' will do the trick. You're too brainy. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. No, you are. No, I'm not. Five eights? 40. Ooh, this is a good one ` seven eights? 56. That's a hard one for me. Yeah. Yeah. 12 twelves always got me too. 144. 12 elevens? 133. Are you sure? No. Whoo! (BOTH LAUGH) It says here that your favourite band is The Eagles. Would you like me to sing you some Eagles? (CHORTLES) (LAUGHS) I hate the fucking Eagles. I fucking love the Eagles. I fucking hate them. I either want music to make me sad,... Yeah. ...or make me feel the splendid good fortune of being here, or to tell me shit I didn't already know. Who's your top three, then, at the moment? I really like hip-hop. Tyler, the Creator and A$AP doing 'Potato Salad' ` you can't watch that two and a half minutes without feeling happy to be alive at the end of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A$AP Rocky doing 'Fukk Sleep' ` it's a really` with FKA twigs in it, it's a great, great song. It's a brilliant piece of songwriting. I'm a big Frank Ocean fan. I think Frank Ocean is one of the greatest musicians of my lifetime. I love your music. You know that, don't you? That's kind. No, I don't. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. (STAMMERS) Doesn't matter. Yes, you fucking do. Don't swear at me. Are we recording? MAN: Yep. Should we do, um, your favourite? No. # On a dark desert highway,... No! No, no. (LAUGHS) # ...cool wind in my hair. # Warm smell of coitus... Coitus?! Coitus. # ...rising up through the air. Coitus rising up through the air. LOW-PITCHED: # Up ahead in the distance,... I saw a shimmering light. GOOFILY: # ...I saw a shimmering light. My head was heavy. GOOFILY: # My head grew heavy, and my heart grew dim. # I had to stop for the night. HIGH-PITCHED: # Hey, say 'marvellous' for me and my children. # (BOTH LAUGH) Quick-fire now. OK. No gushing, marvellous-ing, giggling or playing with your gigantic ears and (STERNLY) sit up straight! Right, sorry. Have you watched or read Fifty Shades of Grey? No. Correct. Should Don Brash have been allowed to talk at Waikato Uni? Yes. Correct. Do you sometimes hate yourself for agreeing with something that Mike Hosking says? I can't recall that ever happening. Correct. Did you ever read the news boozed, wasted or hungover to the max? Not to the max. Probably boozed a couple of times, but moderately tipsy rather than to the max. Nerd alert! Correct. Have you ever been mistaken for another celebrity? Yeah, all the time. Yeah, all the time. Who? Scotty Morrison? Mika? Uh... Patrick Gower? Tom Cruise, obviously. (LAUGHS) Oh, you're serious. No. I've been recognised for everyone, but mostly Salma Hayek. (GIGGLES) Really? Not at all. Look at me. I'm fucking` I look like a puffy ball. She's` Salma Hayek is hot! Like an oven! Do you think I look like her? Yeah, identical ` like twins. Really? Yeah, it's uncanny. You think I'm hot like an oven? Yeah, yeah. (GIGGLES SOFTLY) Turn me on, buddy! (LAUGHS) Turn me to 250 and roast me for 20 minutes. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Stop! Do you love Wellington` Fat Freddy's Drop and all that? Yeah, I do. Yeah, I do. Have you got 30 minutes? I'll play you a song. (BOTH LAUGH) Have you got four hours? I'm just looking at doing my one, real big hit. What was the transition like from radio to TV, and was it a good leg-opener? There's just no way... (LAUGHS) There is no way I'm going to answer that question on the television! I don't know what you young people are like these days, talking about` I'm not young. We're colleagues. Bollocks! How old are you? 38! We're colleagues. (HACKS) Campbell Live ` a decade of actual journalism. HUSHED: Seven Sharp. Then` You front Seven Sharp! No, I don't! You front Seven` Don't bite the hand that feeds! Don't bite the hand that feeds! This is a comedy show. You can't hunt with the hounds and run with the hares. If you front the show, don't diss the show. I love Seven Sharp. Mike Hosking, Duncan Garner, Paul Henry ` how would you rate them all? Like, who'd be number one arsehole? Or should we not go there? No, let's not go there. OK, cos I'd do... (LAUGHS) No. (WHISPERS) Don't go there. OK. (WHISPERS) Don't go there. Don't go there. OK. (MUTTERS) (CHUCKLES) Don't go there. And the first winner of the Arsehole Award goes to... And it's a triple tie! (LAUGHS) Stop it! OK, Woman's Day section now. Cue the music! (UPBEAT MUSIC) No, not that one. (GENTLE MUSIC) Yeah, that'll do. OK. What's your signature dish? Basically, I just like chicken and rice. All cuisines, really, offer you some take on chicken and rice. Are your kids like, 'Oh yay, wicked'? Do you know what I cooked last night? Fuck's sakes. UberEats McDonald. The, kind of, Chinese take on chicken and rice. Just chicken and rice? Probably the previous time, it would have been an Italian take on chicken and rice. (LAUGHS) Fuckin' chicken and rice. That sounds like me. Do you consider yourself fat? Yeah, I'm a bit overweight, yeah. I could do with some` You're hot. You don't even mean that. I do. I liked tubby men. (CHORTLES BREATHILY) (LAUGHS) I do! There's something appealing about... (GROANS) In here. You don't even remotely mean that. Were you ever not`? I do! I'll tell you when I'm lying. No, no, were you ever not gay? Uh, I wasn't gay about... 50 to 70 times. Any more questions about my personal life? No. What's your secret shame? Apart from the drunken swearing. Do you have a love child? Is Jack Tame your love child? No, he's not. But the keyword in that sentence is secret. (LAUGHS) Secret. What's your secret shame? Woman's Day section. Keyword ` Woman's Day Section. What's your secret shame? It's a fucking secret! Secret, secret. Tell me telepathically. (STAMMERS) Tell me telepathically! You've got more chance of me picking my nose and eating it on camera than you have of me` I do that! ...than you have of me telling you my secret shame. I do that anyway, so... No chance. (SIGHS DEEPLY) What if I offered you 10 grand? Not a chance. Oh, dammit! We've only got 10 grand, anyway, so... (LAUGHS) But what's your favourite sexual position? (MUSIC DISTORTS) (BREATHES DEEPLY) Sorry. Missionary? Reverse cowboy? Lamb chop? Did you seriously think I was going to answer that? Was there any part of you that thought I was going to answer that? It's just a question. God! Get over it. Look, let me start the conversation` (LAUGHS) No, I don't want you to. OK, cut. (PLAYS 'STRONG ENOUGH' INTRO) You know this one? No. Yeah, I'm starting to recognise it. Go! # God, I feel like hell tonight. Yes. # Tears of rage I cannot fight. # I'd be the last to (BABBLES) if you can. # Are you strong enough to be my wo-man? # My wo-man. # Cos I'm gay. Are you (?) Yeah! I'm a lez. Are you a gay? Yeah. Did you not know? No! So you've been hitting on me this whole time without knowing? Yeah, wow! IMITATES JOHN: Thank you for watching Unleashed. Marvellous! (CHUCKLES) I had an erotic dream about... This is a good Woman's Day story. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) I'll ring them tomorrow. * Oh. Wahoo. OK, so I've come to my favourite boutique store in all of Auckland, Junk and Disorderly, to see if I can find some old shit. (CHUCKLES) (LIGHT, JAUNTY MUSIC) OK, so I'm looking for some really old nostalgic shit. Like, maybe Jason Gunn's Thingee will be here? We'll see. Or maybe I'm looking for Big Ted or Little Ted, or that little bitch, Jemima. Oh, I love this place. (GASPS) OMG, it's Suzy Cato! (GASPS) What the fuck?! Oh, let's see how much she is. (SCOFFS) As if! Rip`off. No offence, but that's too much. K, bye. Suzy bloody Cato, eh. Mother, lover, Northlander,... Mm. ...babysitter to a generation, saucy Kiwi icon, (QUIETLY) Dancing With The Stars, like Hairy Maclary or Manu, Little Ted or Opo the Dolphin, a saucy dancer ` but not as good as Sam Hayes, sorry. No. # Kia ora, talofa, blah blah blah, etc. # I now welcome you by asking you to sing me a waiata. Oh, OK. Well, it has to be... # It's our time. Kia ora, talofa. # It's` # I don't like that one. OK, um... See You, See You Later? Do that one; I like that one. OK. (LAUGHS) BOTH: # See you, see you later. # It's time for us to end. (MURMURS) End! BOTH: # See you, see you later. # We'll be back again. # (MURMURS) Again! # It's our time. Kia ora, talofa. # Doodle-doo ` The Early Bird Show, 1991. I was 11, and I loved that show. You and Russell Rooster ` good times. Got any dirt on the rooster? Um, we had lots of cool letters come in that perhaps weren't written from children. (BOTH LAUGH) We had a couple of jokes that came in. There was one about a nun and` (CHUCKLES) Tell us the joke. Oh, I can't, Anika. If the Russell Rooster was here, he would. Pretend that your arm is Russell Rooster, OK? OK. LOW-PITCHED: 'Yo, doodle-doo. So, Anika, how do you get a nun pregnant?' How? 'Well, you`' I can't say it. (LAUGHS) No, you can say it on my show, cos it's not for kids. This show is not for kids. Russell, how do you get a nun pregnant? You... doodle`doo her. (BOTH LAUGH) GRUFFLY: You doodle-doo her. (LAUGHS GRUFFLY) At one stage` What did he say? He said` Oh, we'd been pulling faces the week before, and he said, LOW-PITCHED: 'Yo, Suzy, show us your gorilla'. (LAUGHS) But luckily` Did you? LOW-PITCHED: I did Mr Hapuka. Oh, you just growled at him. (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) LOW-PITCHED: What? What do you mean? (NORMAL VOICE) Go on, then, Russell, show us ya nuts. LAUGHS: Show us ya nuts! So he went (TRILLS TONGUE), as best a rooster can do, and I got a high five after that, cos... (LAUGHS) Oh. He would have been like, 'Wow, she's really stepped it up a notch.' GOOFILY: Yes, yes. 'Show us your nuts.' Was there a moment when you realised that you had made an impact and that you were a star with the children? When I was with You and Me and starting to tour around, and we'd do the 25 minute live`action show... Amazing. Kids are interacting, head, shoulders, knees and toes ` all the rest of it. And then we would have a photograph opportunity. And I think it was at the Teddy Bears' Picnic where the queue became so long. WHISPERS: Wow. And then I wrote a couple of storybooks, and we released one of them down in Christchurch. The queue was three hours long. So you were a goddess. Well, I don't know about that, but I was their mate; I was their friend. BOTH: # Eyes and ears and mouth and nose, # head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. # Can you play the guitar? No, I can't! I can't. OK. Yep, the only thing I do is play the fool. (CHUCKLES) An actual serious question now ` I read that you had a bit of a wake`up call when some kids wrote in to you about abuse. Yeah. Tell me about that. We had Marty Mailbox, and we had competition entries, and they wanted pen pals, and I'd put my hand into the letterbox and draw out a` Yeah. And then I drew out a request for help, and it was a child who had been suffering abuse... Wow. ...and had reached out to me. And I went, 'OK, I've only just turned 21. I'm being paid to have fun here ` you know, 'linking cartoons together on TV. These kids have never met me before. I don't know that I deserve their` 'that trust.' And it really freaked me out, so I handed in my resignation. Because of that letter? Yes. The production company said, 'No, we're not going to accept your resignation. 'What we'll do is we will help you find a way of reaching those kids'. So three different times we were able to get people in to talk about it,... Yeah. ...and we'll show in the front of the telephone book where they could reach the help that they needed. Wow. That's so intense. So, in this scene, Suzy and the troll... Mm-hm. (GROANS) OK, I'll be the troll. * So, you were one of the most searched things on Google in New Zealand in 2018, up there with Steven Adams and 'how to make weed cupcakes'. Did you know that? Weed cupcakes?! No. (LAUGHS) So, people were googling you going, 'Suzy Cato, what's up with her?' Yeah. 'Is she still alive?' Yeah. 'Has she still got those leather pants from the promo?' What are the leather pants? Oh, the promo of Dancing With The Stars. Remember that? (GASPS) Oh, with the gold. # Right now, dance-off. # Dance-off. # Get on the floor. Get on the, get on the floor. # Get on the floor. # When I saw that, I was like, 'Whoa!' And I was like, 'Natasha, look at that.' They thought I was going to do a Sandra Dee and be doing the whole (SINGS) 'one that I want'. But no, it was hip-hop! Was it hard? I only learnt it right before we had to do it, and you're surrounded by all your peers, who had already done their bit of dancing. And then I was one of the last ones to come out. It was like, 'What?!' Everyone thought you'd win Dancing With The Stars, including me. I voted for you every single week. Oh, Anika, thank you so much. (LAUGHS) But you got the boot. Yeah, I did. What happened, and was that biatch Sam Hayes behind it? (DRAMATICALLY) I don't know. (INHALES SHARPLY) What happened? I don't know. Everyone loves you! Aw. I was so lucky to have been voted in and stay in there for seven weeks, and I was loving it, Anika. So I was gutted. I was gutted. I was finally brave enough to be wearing the really skimpy things, get the tail feather shaking and all the rest of it. It was pretty sexy. Pretty sexy. Yeah, well, I did enjoy it, but I don't know what the story was there. EMOTIONALLY: One week people didn't vote for me, and I was gone. Aw. I was so lucky with the dance partner I had. We had so much fun. Yeah, you had a great dance partner. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and he was very, very patient. You know how you're so intense, in an intimate environment with your partner,... Yeah. ...is there ever a part of you that goes, 'Ooh, this is nice'? You know, like, maybe crossing the line a little bit? Oh, really? Ah, no. No, I think` He was young enough to be (GOOFILY) my son, so it would have been wrong on so many levels. Your hubby would have not liked that. No, he wouldn't have. He was there every night. He was watching. Would you sometimes be like, 'Oh, I'll just leave this costume on,' and...? (LAUGHS) Beep-beep. Hi, darling, I'm home. Got makeup on... Didn't need the costume, Anika. Ooh! (GASPS) (LAUGHS) I'm going to show you some pictures, and you have to pick one. Which one would you choose to share a hot tub, a bottle of Asti, some Drake on the stereo and maybe a ciggie after...? (LAUGHS) Bert and Ernie ` who would you pick? Oh, Ernie. You know they're a couple, eh? So you can't actually have either of them. (LAUGHS) Oh. (LAUGHS) Duncan Garner or Humpty Dumpty? Oh, Duncan Garner! (LAUGHS) I've got a crush on him. Well, the other one would be hard`boiled in a very short time in a hot tub. (BOTH LAUGH) Oh! Maggie Barry or Big Bird? We all know who we'd choose. Yeah. (GOOFILY) I'll have to go with Big Bird. Oh, praise the lord. Dan the weather man or (IMITATES THE MAD BUTCHER) The Mad Butcher? I do love Dan, but (IMITATES THE MAD BUTCHER) I'd take The Mad Butcher. Oh, that would be a good laugh. (LAUGHS) GRUFFLY: Him and his sausages. (BOTH LAUGH) OK, Woman's Day section now. Cue the music! (DRAMATIC DRUMMING) No, not that. (STATIC CRACKLES) (GENTLE MUSIC) K, that one. Great. Have you ever used swear words while in full passion mode? Quite possibly. (GIGGLES) MUFFLED: Can't imagine that. (LAUGHS) Quite possibly. (LAUGHS) Yeah. I haven't. (LAUGHS) What's your best sob story? My best sob story? I don't know. I guess it's the fact that, um,... after my second miscarriage, I was let go by TV3. (GASPS, BREATHES SHAKILY) (GASPS) Oh dear, darling. I know. They let you go because you had a miscarriage? No. Oh. No, they didn't want me any more. (LAUGHS) It's good to talk about it. Mm,. it is. It is good to talk about it. And back then, I didn't talk about it. I was also, by that stage, a producer of the show. Wow. So when you're looking at your employees and so on, it was like, 'Actually, no, I need to be strong.' It was good to have something to focus on, cos all I wanted to do was stay in bed. I didn't want to get out of bed. Yeah. So it was good to actually go, 'Hey, no, we need to go and do this,' and carry on and sort out budgets and, you know, all those sorts of things and be in that head frame, and then process it later. Yeah. Yeah. This is a good Woman's Day story. Yeah. (CHUCKLES) I'll ring them tomorrow, and we'll sort it out, actually. Hey, Suzy, I reckon we'd kill it if we teamed up for a big-budget kids' film. We'd make lots of money. Yeah. With heaps of Weta Workshop CGI and expensive merch and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you game to shoot a pilot? Let's do it. OK. (DRAMATIC OPERATIC MUSIC) Cool. This is fun, eh, Suzy? It is. What on earth are we going to do, Anika? Who knows? Who knows? But this will make us a lot of money, OK? Great, OK, excellent. So, there's green screen behind us. Mm-hm. We're the people, and there's going to be heaps of creatures all around us` surrounding us, OK? So, the creatures are there and... Run! (BOTH SCREAM) (DRAMATIC OPERATIC MUSIC) So, in this scene, Suzy and the troll... Mm-hm. Why am I`? (GROANS) OK, I'll be the troll. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (WHOOSH, THWACK!) (WHOOSH!) (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) So, what we're gonna do now is we're gonna CGI that we're going through a wonderland of food. Like, think of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Oh, yes! All those berries and the lollies,... Yeah. ...candy floss clouds and... Yeah! (GASPS) But this is more like saturated fats and, um, trans fats and just deep`fried chicken. (LAUGHS) KFC? Yeah, it's KFC. OK. (LAUGHS) Thank you. K, bye. # A ride isn't funny with an empty tummy. # Thank goodness for Kentucky Fried. # And off they drove, and they went doof, doof, doof, doof, doof, doof, doof, doof. (CHUCKLES) # Kentucky Fried Chicken,... Mmm. # ...it's finger lickin'... # Yeah, mmm, good. Oh, God, that's good. Do you remember, like, the moment you sold out? I'm liking you more than you. Say something sexy. Where would you draw the line? Have you ever been too mean? Hmm. Does that take the smile off your face? www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019