Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019 # Accentuate the positive # Eliminate the negative # And that's all! (PERRY COMO) # You gotta accentuate the positive # Eliminate the negative # And latch on to the affirmative # Don't mess with Mr In-Between # You gotta spread joy up to the maximum # Bring gloom down to the minimum # And have faith, or pandemonium's liable to walk upon the scene # To illustrate his last remark # Jonah in the whale Noah in the ark # And what did they do? # When everything looked so dark? What did they do? # Man, they said you gotta accentuate the positive # Eliminate the negative # And latch on to the affirmative # Don't mess with Mr In-Between # Don't mess with Mr In-Betweeeen! # (TALK AND LAUGHTER) Calvin, where do you get these? Remember, don't mention the Communists. Calvin's great, but a little... Calvin's great, but a little... Nutty! What's his wife like? Housewife... Likes to cook, pregnant... Likes to cook, pregnant... Normal. I wouldn't say that. Hi! Hi, Dave! Just look at you! Just look at you! Any day now. My sister... Tell me if you've heard this one. A duck walks into a drugstore, says, "I'd like some lip gloss." The clerk says, "Certainly, sir. Cash or cheque?" The duck says, "Put it on my BILL." (LAUGHTER) The golden boy professor at Caltech. Then he started inventing things. Suddenly became very rich, and that was it. He quit teaching. How's that? How's that? Just what the doctor ordered. Calvin spends all his time out there tinkering in the workshop. If you ask me, it's all very strange. I could take a simple yacht battery and rig it to last a decade. Easily. Helen, what does Calvin think about this trouble down in Cuba? For heaven's sake, don't bring THAT up. I'd say my baseball card collection is as complete as any I've seen. Hey, Calvin! Kennedy is going toe-to-toe with Kruschev on television right now. Ooh, boy. "..of Cuba." "Evidence has established that a series of offensive missile sites "is now in preparation on that imprisoned island." Tower, this is Wolf One. Five miles till the overhead. "Wolf One, you're number one for the overhead." "Wolf One, you're number one for the overhead." (ALARM BLEEPS) Tower, I got a problem here. "Wolf One, are you declaring an emergency?" Stand by. "Additional sites appear designed for medium-range ballistic missiles capable of striking most major cities in the west." Folks... given this extraordinary turn of events, I suggest we cut this evening short. I'm sure this will resolve itself but, in the meantime, I suggest a prayerful, watch-and-wait stance. OK, folks, let's go. Here you go. I'll call you. What did I tell you? What did I tell you? (WHISTLES) I'm not gonna let this pot roast go to waste. Put that cushion back, honey. Shouldn't we turn off the phonograph? It stops automatically. Did you rig it to do that? They all do. Oh. I never know any more. I bet that's a fighter jet on its way to Key West. Good luck, amigo. "An emergency has been declared." Hear that? > I'll come back for the radio. Can't I do the dishes? It'll be hard getting dried food off the plates. I just hope the plates aren't radioactive by tomorrow! Cheese is particularly troublesome. I've got secondaries of an engine fire. I need a clear area to eject. "Can you make it to the ocean?" Roger that, Tower. I'm marking the 180 radial for five, and ejecting, Tower. "Roger, Wolf One." How long will we have to stay down here? Till this blows over. It could take days. Honey, I could go into labour any time. I've read up on it. If I have to, I'll deliver the baby myself. (BUZZER) (CLUNKING AND WHIRRING) Home, sweet home. Home, sweet home. To you, maybe. Are you all right? I think so... Wow! It's happened! Look at that heat! All my surface indicators ` knocked out! Oh Lord, it's happened! (WHIRRING, CLUNKING AND HISSING) What was that noise? (CLUNKING AND HISSING) The locks. The locks? To keep us... from tryin' to leave. There's a radiation half-life after an atomic blast. Lasts 35 years. 35 years? Then, after that, it's safe... to go up. Caltech say this guy was a bona fide genius, but a borderline nutcase. He and Mrs Nutcase must've been out here when the plane hit. Unless we get a postcard or somethin'. Relatives? They're all back east. Neighbours said the guy spent day and night out here. She'd bring him sandwiches and hot Dr Pepper. He'd drink it hot? Yeah. Good God! (WHISTLES "WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN") (CHEERFUL WHISTLING CONTINUES) Hi, hon. Feeling better? Feeling better? No. We must be strong. If not for ourselves, then for the child. All our friends... Burnt to a crisp. I'm not hungry. Hot Dr Pepper. Your favourite. No, Calvin. YOUR favourite. Really? Chilly? Shouldn't be. The temperature's a nice 73 degrees. Maybe I've just got the creeps. How could you? This is just like home. How could you? This is just like home. No, Calvin! This is different. Believe me. Would you like a tranquilliser? Would you like a tranquilliser? You have... tranquillisers? I told you, I have everything. (GASPS) What? What? Ohhh... Oh, hon! Oooh...! Just breathe. I'll get my stuff. (PERRY COMO) # Oh, it's a good day for singin' a song # And it's a good day for movin' along # Yes, it's a good day How could anything go wrong? # A good day from morning till night # It's a good day for shinin' your shoes # And it's a good day for losin' the blues... (BABY CRIES) # It's a good day from morning till night # You're right! # You're right! # I said to the sun... Is there a problem? No, Calvin. Babies cry. No, Calvin. Babies cry. I've noticed. What shall we call him? What shall we call him? I don't know. Well, given the situation, we should call him Adam. That's not sacrilegious, is it? That's not sacrilegious, is it? No. It's just right. And I was wondering if... if... What do you want, Helen? I want a bedroom ceiling. You got it! # Cos it's a good day for payin' your bills # And it's a good day for curing your ills # So take a deep breath, throw away all your pills... # See, I flick this switch, the image projects on to a mirror, and the picture comes out here. It's perfect. Well... almost perfect. You know, people will never get tired of watching these. (PERRY COMO) # Lately... I find myself # Out gazin' at stars... # Lord, bless this food, this family. Make us ever mindful of the needs of others. Amen. Amen. Let's eat. # It's been a long, long, long time # I haven't felt like this, my dear since I can't remember when... # Calvin? Out here, hon. There you are. I've looked all over for you. What're you doing back here? I was examining this rear hatchway. Why? Well, it's pretty clear that when the bomb went off, the front entrance caved in, so we'll go up through the back, which is nice, because it has the elevator. Unless it's caved in too. Yes. You wanted to see me? Yes. You ready, Adam? Watch this. Ohhh! He can stand up all by himself. Show Daddy. All by himself! Aw, that's my guy. My son. Up, Adam, to the MOON! Boss, what do you make of this? Damn if I know. Septic tank? I never seen one like that. If it is, I don't wanna open it! We'll lay the foundation over it. "In... Won... der... land." I'd like to see the public school system match that. Isn't he a little young for school? People don't know what the mind is capable of. People don't know what the mind is capable of. Alice went down a hole just like us. Will I ever get to go up on top? Yes, you will. And you'll find a nice girl, and rebuild America just the way it used to be. Should we make promises we may not keep? I'm sure there are survivors. I expect there's life even now. Not life worth living, perhaps, but, believe me, something is moving up there. (JAN AND DEAN) # Two girls for every boy! # I got a '34 wagon and they call it a Woodie # Surf City, here we come... # I'm gonna need two banana splits and a cherry Coke. You bet, Mom. Oh, by the way, Mom, thanks for the job. $1.15 an hour! "Your husband is crazy." "Your husband is crazy." (LAUGHS) "All right. So what's the big news?" "Oh, you're a riot! Oh, what a riot!" (SARCASTIC) "Ha ha ha ha!" "Very funny! Ho ho ho ho!" "They're comin' now to put you on a stage." "There's been complaints about me on the bus." "He's sending me to the company psychiatrist. That means I'm crazy." "That's silly. Seeing a psychiatrist doesn't mean you're crazy." Stick. That's right. Hook off the jab. Hook off the jab. Bob and weave. 'Scuse me, boys, but I think it's my turn now. (DEAN MARTIN) # Watch the sunrise on a tropic night # See the pyramids # Along the Nile (HELEN COUNTS THE BEAT) # Just remember, darlin' all the while # You belong to me # May I cut in? You certainly may. Thank you, sir. # Send me photographs and souvenirs # Just remember when a dream appears # You belong... to... # Me... # (HEAVY ROCK PLAYS) I miss those nice flower-power kids. How 'bout you? Er... (BARRY WHITE) # I've heard people sayin'... What the hell kinda music is that? Oh, man...! I'm not sure I like that. # Many times we've loved # And we've shared love and made love # It's just not enough (BEAT KICKS IN) # My darling, I... # Can't get enough of your love # These are stock certificates. Your mom and I bought them for you. Of course, they're worthless now, but once they were quite valuable. They're pretty. Could I have 'em? Sure. Now, let's move on to... our French exam. Latin exam, Dad. It's Tuesday. Gosh, it IS Tuesday. Time flies. Tempus fugit. Que les bons temps roulent. Gerade aus den links. Sorgen Sie bitte dafur, dass die Gepacke sorgfaltig behandelt waren. Haben Sie etwas nettes in Leder? Haben Sie etwas nettes in Leder? (LAUGHS) You have a wonderful sense of humour, son, I must say. The acorn does not fall very far from the tree. (ADAM GRUNTS) Hi, hon. (BLANKLY) Hi. This is wonderful! That's my baseball card collection. It's yours now. What's baseball? It's a game, son. I can explain it pretty easily. See, there's a pitcher... Like a painting? No. A... pit-CHER. Like one of Mom's? No. There's a man who throws a ball to a man who has a bat. The nocturnal flying mammal! The nocturnal flying mammal! No. (HEAVY ROCK NUMBER BY SOUNDGARDEN PLAYS) (SHOUTS OVER MUSIC) I'm sellin' this place. I want out of this hellhole. Whoa! Er... Could I, er...? If... If you sell... er... Me... Could I, er...? Buy it? Yeah! I'll GIVE it to ya. No money down. I'll GIVE it to ya. No money down. Cool. This neighbourhood's gone to hell anyway. At last, I am master of all I survey! * No, no. Listen. I'm only gonna explain this one more time. The runner on second goes to third. He's out there. (ADAM) Why? (ADAM) Why? He's forced out. It... It's a force. Then why go there? Because... he MUST! Calvin! Calvin! Coming. Yes, dear? Get the presents. I'll get the lights. Get the presents. I'll get the lights. You bet. (CALVIN AND HELEN) '# Happy birthday to you!' # And many moooooorrre... # Ha! Thanks, Mom. Thank you, Dad. Blow out the candles. Blow out the candles. Wish. (CHUCKLES) Oh, boy, a jacket! Your mom made that all by herself. No kidding? No kidding? Who else would've done it? I made these. Holy cow! What the heck are these? Your roller skates. I redesigned them. These are really swell. Swell. What did you wish? He mustn't tell. Baloney! My family never believed that. Well, we did, in my family. I wished I could meet a girl. I wished I could meet a girl. Well, I hope a NICE one. Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. One that doesn't glow in the dark. We'll go up in two years. We'll know then. I'm very hopeful. Me too. Elbows, son. Elbows, son. Sorry, Mom. What am I thinking? You might dine at the White House with the president. You might dine at the White House with the president. If we still have one. When we do go up, I'm gonna miss this place. How 'bout you, hon? Would you please excuse me? No, no. Don't get up. AAAA-AAA-AAAA-AAAHHHH!!! (MACHINERY CLUNKS INTO ACTION) (THEY PANT) Shall we say a prayer first? Just open the door. Long time... Well... it's dirty, but... ..it seems to be OK. (HELEN SQUEAKS EXCITEDLY) You're happy! > (CHUCKLES) Do we just... go on up? No, son. Now is the time we must be at our most cautious. We wait for night. Oh, shit! Helen! Maybe we have been down here a little too long. Pardon her French, son. "Shit" is French? "Shit" is French? Well, it's archaic French. It's... a 16th-century colloquialism meaning, roughly, "good". Your father's right. Well... Shit! ..Ha. All of these things... Alcoholics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Heroin Anonymous... There's a Heroin Anonymous? Will you please... SHUT UP?! Sorry. All of these things ask you to believe in a power greater than yourself. Well, I have lifted my eyes skyward a time or two, and I have seen nothing coming from up there except a goddamn aeroplane. Which I can't afford to get on! (BARKING LAUGH) Ear-Earthquake! Another earthquake! Let her come. Let's get this over with! (RUMBLING) Oh God... Oh God! Oh God! Oh my God! Oh God, save me! For I have seen the light! I come... in peace. Leave my elevator... alone. (INDISTINCT RAP BY CYPRESS HILL) Wh-What happened? My backyard! (GLASS SMASHES) > Got a light, honey? A light? Yes. I do... have a light. (MASCULINE VOICE) Thank you. So... you survived the blast. The blast? Honey, I've survived a host of things. A country boy can survive. You're a country boy? Cute little old man, I can be a boy or girl, if you want. Hell, whatever you want me to be. Really? Uh-huh. Really? Uh-huh. And it's all yours for $200. And if you act now, I may even throw in some lawn furniture. And if you act now, I may even throw in some lawn furniture. No... I can't. Thank you. I have to go. I have to go. Go. Gotta go. Get outta here, you old drunk! (WOMAN VOMITS) Surprise! Bang! Ohhh! NO!! I'll give it to you straight. No beating around the bush. There were survivors. Apparently, the fallout has created a subspecies. Mutants. (GASPS) Mutants? Not a pretty sight. Some eat out of garbage cans. Others... Cover your ears and hum. I mean that literally. Now! Now! (ADAM HUMS) (Others... are... multisexual.) (They can be masculine, feminine, simultaneously.) (They can be masculine, feminine, simultaneously.) No! Yes. I don't believe it! He tried to sell me his body, Helen! They offer lawn furniture as a come-on. < (HUMMING CONTINUES) All right. They have done a lot of rebuilding. But society has totally collapsed. People throw up in the streets, point guns. Something's very wrong with the automobiles. I can't tell you the rest. Maybe someday... So what do we do? We stay down here. We do? Yes! We'll make do. We have clothes, water. The mutants will kill each... No, Calvin! We won't make do! Not me, not Adam! We go up, however horrible it is. I am head of this household! I am head of this household! I want him to see the sky! We WILL! The ocean! A mountain! Do as I say...! Ohhh...! Ohhh...! (HELEN GASPS) Dad? Son...! Oh, Adam! Let's get him to the bedroom. He seems to be doing all right now. I don't know if he's had a heart attack or just an awful experience, but we need supplies. I'll go up. I'm afraid you must. I'll be all right. I'll be all right. My brave boy. Just act normal. If anyone asks, say, "I'm from outta town. I'm here on business." Write that down. I'll give you a list and some money. We need just enough for a year or two. You'll find these items at what was called a grocery or hardware store. I don't know how far you'll have to travel, but if you can't get home by dark find something called a Holiday Inn. There might still be one left standing. Oh... Well, let's get you packed. Right. I hope this is still good up there. Say, Mom? Yes, dear? I was wondering... While I was up there, an' all, I was thinking... I was wondering if maybe I could, er... meet a girl. Oh. I've thought about it a little, for 15 years or so. It would be wonderful. One who's not a mutant, and maybe comes from Pasadena. Nothing against Valley girls but, in my day, girls from Pasadena always seemed a little bit nicer. Oh, and there's something called a liquor store. Write it down. Oh, and there's something called a liquor store. Write it down. Liquor store... Calvin? (WEAKLY) Son... Adam... Yes, Father? Don't forget... > stay... out of the adult bookstore. Adult bookstore. Why? Poison gas. Invisible. Don't forget. I promise. Is that all? Yeah. One more thing. If you find... a healthy young woman... ..bring her on down. Yes, sir. (GRUNTS) (DRONES MONOTONOUSLY) (DRONES) Leave my elevator alone. (ELEVATOR CLUNKS) Are you all right? Yes. Yes. Oh... Oh Lord, yes! Are you the one who came last night a-all in yellow? All in yellow? Oh, that was my father. Oh, of course... the FATHER. Forgive me! Can you forgive me for my wasted life? Everything's been so awful. Everything's been so awful. I know. It has been terrible. But it's not your fault. And now the decay is over, it will get better. You understand? You understand? Yes. Yes... Well, I have to go now. Of course you do! I'll stay here and pray. That's always a good idea. That's always a good idea. Yes... How do I get out? How do I get out? The front door. Will you be back? I promise. (SOBS) (HE CHANTS FERVENTLY) (TRAFFIC ROARS) What? What is it? The sky. The sky? Where? Up there. I don't see anything. Just LOOK! Just LOOK! What is it? < He says he sees something. What is it? The sky! I see it, Mommy! I see it, Mommy! I've never seen anything like it. Or like YOU. What're YOU lookin' at? Oh, my lucky stars, a NEGRO! What? How d'you do, ma'am? I do all right. (CHUCKLING) Good! OK... What is it? What are you seeing? We were just looking at the... Oh no! What? Poisonous gas! Run for your life! Run! Run! Invisible poisonous gas! You know... You know... (GASPS) I just want to say... I think he's gonna be fine. Thank you, Calvin. Thank you very much. He's smart. Yes, dear, I know. But he's still such a baby. He's a man. He's a BABY man. I tried to give the driver this, but he wouldn't take it. He seems kinda angry. A lot of people do. Oh boy. Here we go. Hold on, everyone! Hold on! > Wow! So this is public transportation. My father says it becomes important because of carbon dioxide and other hazardous gases in the air. Do you have a gun, by the way? Oh. Well, thank you for not waving it around. And for not vomiting. Where can I find a grocery store? I need one. And a hardware store, a liquor store and a Holiday Inn. > (MANIC) There's a grocery store! Where? There! Driver, please stop the bus! I wish to get off! Please stop, sir! STOP THE BUS!! I need a price check on register four. Diet Dr Pepper, six-pack. Ha! Ha! Don't talk to strangers. Manager for cheque approval, register one. Help you? Er, I'd like some beef patties. Fresh or frozen? Fresh or frozen? Come on! Frozen. How much are they? > How much are they? > 6.30 a dozen in a 3lb box. 12 into 900 is 75... > Almost $500 just for the hamburger. Mom only gave me $3,000 for everything - yacht batteries, pipe tobacco, diesel oil, birthday candles... You can get the meat delivered. Really? Really? Sure. That's terrific. Except it just occurred to me that I don't know where home is! I'm lost! Do you know where I live? No. Will you excuse me? Will you excuse me? Gladly. (DISHWALLA) # Everything about the world... is sex... Driver! Please stop the bus! # It's the message of a popular culture (HORN BLARES) # Telling all our children how to do it right # And all through their innocence # You may ask yourself # Why... # Why the need? # < Hello! Hi. The name's Adam Webber. I see you buy baseball cards. These are old but you still might be interested. Ohhh... Hrrmph. How much you want for the Mickey Mantle rookie season? I was hoping to sell ALL the cards. Yeah? I need to change $100 bills into smaller notes. Ones, 10s, fives... Ones, 10s, fives... I see what you mean. How 'bout I give you $500, in small bills, for the whole box? That would be wonderful. Ah, shit! I'm workin' here, Evie-poo. I can see you're workin', all right. Bonsoir, mademoiselle. You're French? You're French? No. I'm from out of town. I'm here on business. Not sports memorabilia, cos this one Mantle card - worth $6,000, all by its itty-bitty self. Get out of here! Get out of here! YOU get out of here. Get out of here! YOU get out of here. You're fired. I quit. I quit. I fired you, like the hair salon and the Chevy dealer. You can't keep a goddamn job cos you can't shut your goddamn mouth! Sir, please don't take the Lord's name in vain. Got a problem with that, partner? Yes. I have a big problem with that. Come on, Heathcliff. I'll walk you out. Yes, ma'am. My name's Adam. Adam and Eve - the perfect match! I hope the two of you are very happy together. Where are we going? Judging by the coat, you're going back to barber college. No. I'm lost. You're lost? Did you lose your job because of me? I'm sick of working for that dickhead. Dickhead? Dickhead? A walking penis capable of intelligent speech. Dickhead? A dickhead. Dickhead? A dickhead. What is wrong with you?! I had this mental picture... I had this mental picture... Help me pick these up. Thank you. Where are you parked? I came on a bus. Why am I not surprised? I don't know. Well, because I'm a little psychic. I have this thing. That's nice. This is your first visit to La-La Land. You thought Hollywood would be an exciting place to stay. Right? You thought Hollywood would be an exciting place to stay. Right? So far. Right? Right? Right. You get on a bus, and end up in the San Fernando Valley without a clue. Correct again? Correct again? Again. Where are you staying? The Holiday Inn. Yes! The Holiday Inn. That's exactly right. See? I'm psychic. Not completely, but pretty much. Pretty good, huh? It was AMAZING! Thanks. I'm gonna predict a bus for you. Go down here... Do you own a car? No, sweetie. Rule number one - no strangers in the car. If it helps, I don't have a gun. Well, that changes everything(!) Get away from me! I'm sorry. I said something wrong. Go away! Go away! I'll give you a Rogers Hornsby if you take me to the hotel. Rogers Hornsby? He's yours. I was holding him back. Rogers Hornsby is worth $4,000. So what? I got two of 'em. And... this many Larry "Yogi" Berras, and... and... So $4,000 to drive you to your hotel. That's it? Yes. No physicals in your spaceship? No physicals in your spaceship? No, ma'am. What? * So, Mr Andretti, your first time on the freeway? It's Adam Webber. I'll change to AM for a traffic report. (PERRY COMO SINGS) Wait! What? What? Go back. You had him. It's Perry. Perry? Perry Como. Go back. Back, back. OK! # When you've found... There! # ..That this is really love # # ..That this is really love # (CHUCKLING) I could die. Right now. Over THIS? Over THIS? Yeah. # ..With a happy sound As it goes along the ground... This part is where it really takes off. Wait for it... # Then your love you hold around, round, round... You are one scary son of a gun. # Brand new sound... (TYRES SCREECH, HORNS BLARE) # Cos you've found that... # (TYRES SCREECH, HORNS BLARE) You'd better slow down! I can't help it. Perry Como always does this to me. I get so cranked. # Makes a girl and boy... (HORN BLARES) # And put it round, round, round... (TYRES SCREECH) Card, please. End of service. That was wonderful. I've never felt anything like that before. Same here. Don't forget your suitcase. You know... < (HORNS BLARE) Hello. Hi. I'd like to stay at this hotel. Fill this out, and I need to see a card. Fill this out, and I need to see a card. A card? Yes, sir. Oh. Of course. (LAUGHS) OK, then. Bathroom's there. TV's there. Remote is on top. Room service menu on the table. Wow! Dial nine to get out. Of what? The hotel. I see. Thank you. You've been very helpful. I got some change downstairs, and my father says that in this situation a tip is customary. Well, your... father's a smart guy. Well, your... father's a smart guy. My father's a genius. (WHISTLES) OK. Well, here's your key. Goodnight, sir. Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite, as my mom says. Who I'm really beginning to miss. Sorry. First night away from home. First night away from home. How old are you? Thirty-five. You don't look 35. How old do I look? Oh, 25? Hmm. I guess living up here makes people look older. Up here on the 18th floor? Yes. Up here on the 18th floor. Goodnight. AAAHH! AAAGH! AAAGH! (CRASH!) What the hell am I doing here? I'd like to know. Somebody tell me that. "Natural oils, tropical fruits, flora, nuts, and protective sunscreens." "A complete sun care line..." (PHONE RINGS) Yes? I'm the woman from the baseball card store. I'm the woman from the baseball card store. Oh, yes! Hi! Hello! Hot diggity-dog! Thanks for calling me on the telephone. I'm so glad. I thought I'd never see you again. OK, down, boy. Listen, I can't take this for driving you home. I wish I could, but I can't. Take it back. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. It's too valuable to leave at the desk. I can't. It's yours. I can't. It's yours. Take it, dammit! OK. Why are you doing that? Why are you doing that? I haven't brushed yet. So long. Enjoy your visit. Eve, wait. Do not follow me. I knew this would happen. You're like a lost puppy. Can you just talk to me for one little second? OK. Damn! I should've taken the money and run, like Troy told me to do. Put your hand down! Put your hand down! Who's Troy? Is he... your husband? Boyfriend? Boyfriend? No! Thank you! Stop that! Don't do that. Listen, I know you like me, OK. I can tell. But a lotta guys like me. Not me, exactly. My legs, butt, hair, or a combination of the above. I think it's the eyes. The eyes? Great. An eye man. Anyhow, it never works out. Not that YOU need to know that. You look like crap. What've you been doing? What've you been doing? Watching television. In colour! Mm-hm. Cross my heart, hope to die. See ya. Why does it never work out? What? You and men. Who the hell knows? Promise to leave me alone, and I'll tell you why. Who the hell knows? Promise to leave me alone, and I'll tell you why. OK. It never works out because I am into legs, hair and butts myself. So I wind up with guys even more shallow than I am. Now I have to find another demeaning job where some guy keeps telling me how lousy his marriage is. Work for me. Doing what? Helping me sell my cards and buying enough food to fill several trucks. Who for? Starving people? They're not starving yet, but they need help. How long's the job for? How long's the job for? Two weeks. What's the pay? What's fair? Well, I gotta make at least $1,000 a week. You got it! Wait here while I get changed. Sure. (EVERCLEAR) # I will buy you a garden # Where your flowers can bloom # I will buy you a new car... # There you go. Why would someone need 26 yacht batteries? I don't know. I just work for the guy. Who does HE work for, the CIA? Pipe tobacco. I'm gonna need all of this. Toilet paper. (WOMAN) Is there a sale? # I will buy you that big house way up in the hills # I will buy you a new life # You know I will buy you a new life... # Well, another day, another dollar. # I will buy you a new life... # (SHE TURNS IT OFF) Will you stop staring at me? All right. I'll pick you up at 8am. Eve, I was thinking... Night. Night. * We'll need to rent a refrigerated truck for the meat. Well, it's your life. And, by the way, it's a dandy! I think we're also gonna have to get another locker. We'll just sell another card. Comin' down. Whooo! You know, Eve... And don't get mad, OK, but... ..I would just be lost without you. Thanks. (CHUCKLES) And I guess, er... I guess that... you and I... you and I... Don't even think about it. I know that sounds mean, but it'd meaner not to say it, OK? but it'd meaner not to say it, OK? Mm-hm. OK? OK. Let's take this truck back. I'm hungry. Are you getting in? There's something else I'd like you to help me with. Name it. This is gonna sound a little crazy. I'm sure it will! I'm sure it will! Forget it. No, no. I'm sorry. What is it? Eve, I want you to help me find... a wife. A wife? Yes. What for? I want to get married. Why? I don't want to be alone. You can be single and not alone. Marriage bites. Bites what? The big one. It does? Sure. I didn't know that. Everybody knows it. Ask my divorced brothers or my divorced mom and dad. Everybody knows that. All divorced? All divorced? Everybody's divorced. Wow! What kind of wife you lookin' for? What kind of wife you lookin' for? Hm? Oh, um, well... One who's not a mutant. No dogs, huh? OK. Cool. And, if it's possible, I'd like to marry someone from Pasadena. (SNORTS AND LAUGHS) Um... when do you need her by? Two weeks. I could get you laid in two weeks, but to locate a non-mutant wife from Pasadena takes some time. That's what I was afraid of. What do you mean, you can get me laid? Can we talk about that later? Of course. Lord, bless this food we are about to receive, and make us mindful of the needs of others. And bless Mom, and bless Dad, and my new friend Eve. Amen. Amen. Amen. (ADAM LAUGHS) Get out! The engine is running. Get out! Yes, ma'am. Stop the "ma'am" crap. Sorry. You almost got us killed. I never drove before. Never drive again. Never drive again. You said it was easy. Well, I was WRONG! Is this your house? I like it. What're you bitchin' about now? What're you bitchin' about now? Why are YOU here? Getting my stuff. Your stuff? Let me see that. Oh, you came back for your underwear. Ralph Laurens. How'd you get in? Thanks. And who's this interesting-looking fellow? This is Adam. Adam, Cliff. How d'you do? How d'you do? I do fine, Adam. How 'bout you? You, er... doin' any good lately? Go home, wherever that is. Sheena's. Remember her? The model who went to Harvard. Well, I'd better be goin'. Bye, Adam. Nice coat. Thank you, Cliff. Very nice to meet you. Nice parking too. > May I ask you a question? May I ask you a question? We lived together for six months, and I still have a thing for him. I was gonna ask why Cliff wears another man's underpants. I was gonna ask why Cliff wears another man's underpants. What? (BLOCK) # Rhinoceros # Rhinoceros # He's unbelievable. I knew YOU'D like him. It's like he's from the X-Files. He's obviously setting up something big. A self-sustaining island off South America? Some cult that's into practices involving poultry and pipe tobacco? # You just wake up # You have very nice ceilings. Do I? Do I? Mm-hm. Well... You like ceilings? Not particularly. I hope you like this. Sea urchin wrapped in seaweed. I love sushi. I love LUCY! Who doesn't? She's hilarious. Here you go. One champagne cocktail. Isn't it a hooker's drink? Isn't it a hooker's drink? Mom sure likes 'em. Well, dinner's in 15. Let's sit down and chat. So, Troy, what do you do for a living? I design websites. Mm. And, Adam... where on earth are you from? Out of town is all he'll say. Small place. People don't know it's there. And it's called...? And it's called...? Maybe Eve can guess. She's psychic. Is she? Since when? Is she? Since when? Since I got rear-ended in Palm Springs. Well, then, what town is he from? All right. Gimme your hand. (EXHALES SLOWLY) Oh Lord. > OK. I'm not promising anything. Are you OK? Are you OK? Mm. I see... snow. Lots of snow. Way up north. Are we getting hot? Are we getting hot? Yes. You live in Alaska. The only way in and out of your place is by plane. And you came here for food and supplies, and to find a wife. Wow! She's right? She's right? I got goosebumps. I'm clairvoyant, butthead. I'm clairvoyant, butthead. Why not go to Nome for supplies and a wife? Yeah, right. That's where YOU'D go to find girls - Nome. He's gay, by the way. Well, good for you. Well, we try. Can I ask you some questions? Hm? Hm? When did Alaska become a state? 1959. Who owned it before we did? Russia. When did we get it? When did we get it? 1867. We purchased it for $7.2m. "A tidy sum then." I'm quoting my father, of course. State capital? State capital? Juneau. Hello? It's Anchorage. It's Anchorage. Sorry. That's the largest city. Where's he going? To check that on his computer. He has a computer? Sure. In the house? In the house? No, the backyard. Of course in the house. May I be excused? May I be excused? Yeah. Thank you. (ELEVATOR CLUNKS AND HISSES) (GASPS) Who are YOU? I'm the mother. It's the Mother! (ALL CHANT) The Mother.... The Mother... The Mother... The mother... The Mother... The Mother... The Mother... The Mother... * Troy, I suppose those tall buildings we saw this morning are new? Almost all of them. Recovery's impressive. Recovery? Oh, yeah. They rebuilt the freeway in six months. Really? Uh-huh. I'm impressed. It was impressive. Do I look OK? Fabulous. Do I look OK? Fabulous. Thank you, Troy. Hey. Hey. Hey. So, what do you think? It works. We got the entire trousseau. We got the entire trousseau. Shirts, sweaters... Look at these. Huh? Eve, can I skate around your block? (CHUCKLES) Well, Eve? Can he skate... around your block? No. Just a few laps. It won't take long. No. (TOMMY HENRIKSEN) # She belongs to me # Ah-haa # Ah-haa # I see the sun in your eyes # Ah-haa # Ah-haa # I see my tears that you cry # Ah-haa # Ah-haa # I see myself in your eyes # Ah-haa # Ah-haa # I see the sun Adam, skate on the bike path. Where? The bike path. Over there. God, I wish I could wear those pants. # Are you distant cos nothing's right? # I say that all you need is time # And maybe it's right this time and maybe it's wrong next time # I think so Hi! # Ah-haa # I see the sun in your eyes... # (SHOUTS FOR JOY) (SHOUTING CONTINUES) (VILLAGE PEOPLE) # YMCA # It's fun to stay in the YMCA # They have everything for young men to enjoy # You can hang out with all the boys # It's fun to stay at the YMCA # It's fun to stay at the YMCA # You can get yourself clean you can have a good meal # You can do whatever you feel # Hit that ball! (SPECTATORS YELL) I get it! I finally get it! You have to see it to understand it. (LAUGHS) "Because he MUST!" Ohhh... Have you heard of the saying, "He hasn't got the sense to come in out of the rain"? Yep. You know, my father, who is a scientist, says that everything is a miracle. says that everything is a miracle. Yeah? Everything. Until recently I wasn't sure what he meant. You still wanna go girl-hunting tonight? Yes, I certainly do. OK. But this whole business of finding a wife is pretty ridiculous. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. Yes, it is! A girlfriend, maybe, but a wife... Then help me find a girlfriend. I'll give you every single card I've got. You think I'm just somebody you can buy off?! Oh, no, Eve. You're my best friend. Would you do it as my very best friend? Yeah, OK. Thank you, Eve. Why are we parked way back there? Miss Rustokov does not allow total strangers to drive her car. What? What? Ladies first, Troy. That was close. My goodness gracious! This place is something. Look unimpressed. Bored, even. Try... vaguely bored. Unimpressed, but still interested. Not CRAZY. I look crazy? Yes. I look crazy? Yes. Just, er... be loose. Just be yourself. Good advice. For him, not for the rest of us. Of all the clubs in all the towns in all the world, you walk into mine. It's Club 40s, where the party never stops. Jason, Jonathan, this is Adam. Adam, this is them. How do you do? Very nice to meet you, Jason and Jonathan. Mother says when you meet someone it's easier to remember their names if you use them right away, Jason and Jonathan. He's from Alaska. (BOTH) Oh. Hi, there, Eve. Who's the hunk? Get lost, Sophie. Hi. I'm Sophie. Hi. I'm Adam Webber. Adam is Alaskan. No shit! Vous parlez Francais? Oui. Je parle Francais. And beautifully! J'ai habite a Paris un ans. C'est la ville de lumieres, et le pays d'amour. Bien sur! C'est bien que je vous rencontrer. Je n'ai pas la chance a pratiquer. Nous pouvons pratiquer beaucoup des choses. Nous pouvons pratiquer beaucoup des choses. Oui? Nous pouvons pratiquer beaucoup des choses. Adam! Peut-etre... Adam! Au revoir. Je m'appelle Adam Webber. Au revoir. I'm here to meet women. Not that one. I like her! So when you fly to Paris, do you check these, or are they carry-on? They're carry-on. Ah. Excuse me. # It's New Year's Eve but there's nothing up my sleeve # But a place to play where the people swing around # What is that? What is that? A Rob Roy. Popular drink, I'm told. How about her? No way. No way? Why not? I think she's very attractive. She has bitch written all over her. You know what "bitch" means? Well, yes, I do. But I don't know why you would say that about her. Or why Cliff would say it about YOU. (SNORTS) OK. Er, Adam, I think, for you, we should aim for... sweet. OK. I like that. Sweet. A lovely way to put it. There's Miss Sweet by the table. Oh, yeah, yeah, could be. Go on, Romeo, say hello. She looks like a non-mutant. She looks like a non-mutant. OK. All right. What do I say to her? Oh, say something surprising... something funny. Lie, if need be. Lie? Oh, yeah. Lying can be a very effective dating tool. OK. All right. Here I go. I don't think I wanna watch this. Surprising and funny. I know a duck who bought some lip-balm. Lie. Hi. Yes? Yes? I wondered if you could help me. I, er... lost my Congressional Medal of Honour around here somewhere. Now, that's a great one! This is my new friend. Er, hi! Adam Webber. Hi. I'm Heather. Heather? I don't believe I've heard that name before. (THEY LAUGH) Do you dance? I took lessons every day of my life until recently. You're kidding. I did! Shall we dance? Er, sure! Wait for ME! (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) Ohhh! (PIERCING WHISTLE) Is that your girlfriend? No. Will you excuse me? What're you doing? Go to the bathroom. Go to the bathroom. What, right here? Just checking. You're being so bossy. Thank you very much for the dance. I HAVE to go to the bathroom! Oh. You wanted to see me? You're not from Alaska. Where'd you learn to dance like that? There are no starving people. There are no starving people. Why are you angry? You think I'm some kinda sap? You think I'm some kinda sap? No, I don't. I admire you. I fell in love with you the first... I fell in love with you the first... Stop lying! All right. I'll tell you everything. In 1962... In 1962... Well, well, well. Don't we clean up nice? Don't we clean up nice? (CHUCKLES WARILY) Hello, Cliff. How are you? How are you? Not bad. But I do miss that green coat of yours. Thank you. Er, that's my seat. Thank you. Er, that's my seat. Drink at the bar? Sure. Excuse me. It's all yours. (BAND PLAYS A BRASH LATIN NUMBER) (INAUDIBLE) Please excuse this interruption. Oh, brother! Oh, brother! I don't mean to be rude, but, Eve, isn't Cliff just a butt with hair? What? What? I'm sorry. And legs. Legs, butt and hair. And shallow? Shallow? Adam, go home. Back to the hotel. Back to the hotel. Yeah. Before I kick your ass. Cliff, I know how to defend myself. Oh, do you? Stop it, you two! Stop it, you two! Nice move. Yeah. We shouldn't fight in here. Yeah. We shouldn't fight in here. I agree. Adam! Adam! I'm sorry! He was gonna... Maybe we shouldn't fight at all. It's pretty immature. It certainly is. Eve... I'm leaving. Probably a good idea. Sorry. Well... Goodnight, everyone. < I'm leaving too, OK? And if you want help, ask Troy, cos I quit. This is ridiculous. You're ridiculous. And I'm ridiculous. I'll buy you another Rob Roy, champ. A Rob Roy for the gentleman, please. * Well? He go back to the hotel? Um... he might have. Meaning? We did not leave together. Who'd he leave with? What's it to you? What's it to you? I'm his pimp! He left with those dancers? (SIGHS) You're the psychic. Eve, the psychic pimp. You tell ME. Those... sluts. Yeah. Then again, who isn't a slut these days, huh? Where are you going? Where are you going? To bed. To bed?! To bed?! Sure. I'm not the one that's in love with the guy. I'm not the one that's in love with the guy. What?! Now, hold on! Hold on just a minute. First, I do not fall in love with weirdos I've only known a few days. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Or men who collect baseball cards. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Or pee themselves when they see the ocean. Yes, you do. Or perfect manners. I asked him about that. He said, "Good manners are just a way to show people respect." I thought it was just acting superior. Know what else he told me? What? He thinks I'm a gentleman, and you're a lady. Well, consider the source. I don't know what a lady IS. I thought a gentleman owned horses. But the simple definition of a lady or gentleman is someone who makes people around him or her as comfortable as possible. Where'd he get all that? From the oddest place - his parents. I didn't get that memo from mine. And now he's trying to make those dancers as comfortable as possible. No. He didn't go home with them. Well... He went home with Sophie. He went home with Sophie. Aaaaaagh! No!! Yep. Yep. No...! She swept him out whispering French sweet nothings. She swept him out whispering French sweet nothings. Not Sophie. Gonna go kick her door in? You're goddamn right I am. You coming? You kidding? Sophie'd kill me! You kidding? Sophie'd kill me! Coward. Gentleman coward. (TAPPING) (TAPPING) Aaaagh! Eve! You scared me, you stupid son of a bitch! I'm sorry! You're supposed to be having unsafe sex with that slut Sophie! I know, and... I'm really sorry. I'm limping! How attractive is that? What if this is for LIFE? What if this is for LIFE? Adam... I was just gonna say... I know. And then she... I know. I didn't mean... Of course not. Nothing I do ever seems to be right. (EVE MUTTERS FURIOUSLY) > (EVE MUTTERS FURIOUSLY) > It's because... you're a nice boy. But what Eve needs is a nice MAN. Understand, champ? Goodnight. Night, Troy. You still here? Let me help you. I can do it. I know about first aid. Now, sit down. Sit! Now, let me see. Give me your knee. (WHIMPERS) Those pants are ruined, right? I'd say so. Steady... Steady... Ouch! There. And don't be such a baby. There. And don't be such a baby. Oh, I'M the baby? (HE BLOWS SOFTLY) Um... Did, um... Did you go to Sophie's? Of course. And? She was hospitable. Hospitable? Huh...! But... it just wasn't where I wanted to be. So, I left as politely as I could, and I found a taxi, and told him to bring me here, instead of the hotel. There's a song that... that Mr Como sings, called On the Street Where You Live. You know it? (WHISPERS) Sing it to me. Um... (HESITANTLY) # I have often walked down this street before # But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before # All at once am I # Several storeys high # Knowing I'm on the street where you live... # It's a song about... a young man... who's... overjoyed... just to be standing in front of the house... of the person... ..that he loves. Adam... you know... (SOFTLY) Adam, I know this is stupid... but humour me. Have you ever had sex before? No. How is that possible? You'd better sit back down. In 1962, when the bomb fell on Los Angeles, my parents were in our fallout shelter. I was born there. We only survived because it's huge, as far as fallout shelters go. My father worked on it secretly for years. When he had to, he used contractors, but always from out of state, and only for bits of the job. He told them it was a secret government experiment. My dad's not a liar, but he felt he had no choice. It had to be kept a secret. We only had supplies to last three people 35 years. Ventilation was tricky, but we cut into the flood control sewer. Wh... Eve? What I would like to do... is to take you down into the fallout shelter. We could live there with Mom and Dad. Dad said that if I found a healthy young girl, I should bring her down. Why, Eve... you look plenty healthy to me. (SHE GULPS) Adam... Yes, Eve? I think it's time to call a cab. Oh. Of course. You're absolutely right. I shouldn't be here at this late hour. Goodnight, Adam. Thank you! (SOBBING) Oh no...! * (TYRES SCREECH) Goddamn, Adam! Wait a minute! Oh, look, I'm sorry. I know I took the Lord's name in vain again. There's an adult bookstore back there. I'll be right back. Give us a sign! That's all we ask. Just give us some sort of sign! Just show us that we're not alone! (ALL) Yes! (YELLS OF ALARM) (TYRES SCREECH SPORADICALLY) Hi, Eve. Hi, Adam. This is, er... Nina Aron. Hello. How do you do? I'm with the Family Services Department. Eve tells me you've lived in a bomb shelter most of your life. A fallout shelter. There is a difference. Adam, this is my associate, Mr Brown. Hello. We want you to come with us and talk about your experiences. < Come where? My office. For how long? For how long? Well, that depends. Thank you, but I'm very busy today. Perhaps I could see you tomorrow. Adam, you should go with Dr Aron. I think it's the best thing. I think it's the best thing for you. I... I do. All right, Eve. If you say so. I do. Could I please just go home? I was lost, but I found home this morning. If I can just go home, I'll never bother any of you again. I'll never bother any of you again. Adam... let's go talk first. Yes, ma'am. Bye, Adam. Goodbye, Troy. You'll be hearing from me. Oh... yes. What?! What was I supposed to do? He wanted to take me underground, like Silence of the Lambs. Crazy! Yeah. You did the right thing. Oh no... Wait! All right, don't worry. He'll catch him. Nina Aron. I need police assistance... Don't call them! Don't call them! If a complaint is made, and the person resists... No! I cannot have that! They'll come with cars and guns...! That young man needs help and you need protection. I was frightened! I didn't know what to think! But... I believe him. I think he just... he just wants to go home, wherever that is. Calm down. That's the most important thing. My hotel key. Have all my baseball cards, and pay my bill. Stop! Don't get in that truck! You gotta stop driving this. Thanks for being happy. What? What? Gay. Oh! Oh! That's my car, you son of a bitch! Where were you?! I fell down! You guys get the licence number? They're as screwed-up as HE is! Keep calm. That's the important thing. Who are you talkin' to...?! OK, OK! (WHIRRING) Mom? Dad? I'm home! I'm home! Ohhh...! Ohhh, Adam! Adam! I got almost everything we need, and this nice man... Archbishop Melker. We met previously. ..and his group will bring it down. We must hurry. Why, son? Why, son? I'm being chased by a psychiatrist. It happens. Oh, my goodness. How bad is it up there? Horrible. There's something on your forehead. There's something on your forehead. I know. (CELESTE PRINCE) # Am I still here alone? # Feels like my world is all coming down # What's it gonna take for me to come to? # Running out of places I can run to # Guess I've got a right # To go # All I need is just a little belief... # Is this it? Mm-hm. Well, what're we gonna do with it? Give it back to him. What if we can't find him? We'll find him. # Send the fog # Cos I'm lookin' up # The hardest part is that you are in love # I can't bear to wonder how I got here... # Eve? Eve, er... look what I found. Stock certificates. I mean, it's got, like, IBM and AT&T and Polaroid and... Ipana? I remember this brand. I didn't know they still made this. Oh, look at this. It says, "Trademark 1961." Hurry, my friends! Hurry, my friends! The Son has spoken! Step it up! (CHANT) Leave my elevator alone. Leave my elevator alone. Leave my elevator alone. We're losing the light! Bought in '58 and '59? "10,000 shares of each?" They're worth millions. Millions upon millions... ..Upon millions. The stocks, the baseball cards, the clothes... the toothpaste... The guy's on the level. Eve? Eve, a man walks into your life - the kindest, politest, most incredibly rich guy you ever met... And I have him committed. Yes! Yes, you did. Yeah. Well... I fell for him before I found out he was rich. That's new. Yeah. He said he knew where home was. Where'd you guys go this morning? Just to pick up frozen poultry. And? And? Then back to the house. You didn't stop anywhere? We stopped at a porn bookstore! Adam was very excited to see it. Adam was very excited to see porn? Yes! Eve...do you think maybe his home is underneath a dirty bookstore in the Valley? This is it? Yeah. This is the place. Adam? Adam? > Um... do you have a basement? Believe me, all the really good stuff is right up front. Is there a back entrance? Of course. Nice kid. Nice kid. This is ridiculous. Why put a fallout shelter under a porn shop? None of this was here back in '62. Back then it was cute little homes and, you know, fruit orchards. We've come a long way, haven't we? I wanna go home. Yeah. Maybe he'll call. (BEEP) "Er, Eve? This is Adam." "Look, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me." "And... I wanted to tell you that I... that, er... that I wish so many good things for you." "I wish so hard that all your dreams come true." "And... And that... "And that's all I... And that's all." (YOUNG MAN) Surprise! Bang! (LAUGHS) Stay outta here, you drunk! (HOOKER) Mm-hm! Adam? How long will you set it for this time? I thought, 10 years. Well... it's considerably shorter than before, but... I was wondering, Calvin... I mean, why set the locks at all? The radiation's gone, and... To keep what's up there coming down. It's not radiation I worry about. < Mom? Dad? Ohhh! Ooh! Please meet Miss Eve Rustokov. Mrs Webber. Hello. Hello. Hello. Adam told me wonderful things about you. Ohhh... Excuse us. We haven't entertained a guest in... Quite some time. Eve, what can I offer you? Mom, we have to go. You just got here! You just got here! I can't explain now. Set the locks for two months, then we'll be back. But... I don't understand. I ask you to trust me without understanding. Then, of course. Of course, son. They really are wonderful parents. Won't you at least stay for dinner? Well... Well... You must! Perfect. Tell me if you've heard this one. Duck walks into a drugstore... This gravy is an old favourite of Calvin's. Eve, would you get that platter, honey? (The sperm swims toward the egg.) (Into the egg.) (Why?) (Why?) (Because it must.) (But why?) (But why?) (Because... it's out there!) (I hate to be nosy, but are you two dating?) Yeah, we are. And I'm... from Pasadena. Ohhh! (EVE) 'And you thought YOUR parents were weird!' 'It's amazing what you can do with unlimited funds.' 'You can have houses built in a few months.' It's like the Garden of Eden. 'You just say, "I don't care what it costs," and mean it, which no one ever does.' 'Archbishop Melker was pretty broken up that Adam wasn't God, until I showed him my plans for LA's hottest and original nightclub.' It's my goddamn malt shop! Let me figure out what happens here. I want to own everything downstairs. I want one of my guys at the door. 'Our idea was to bring Adam's parents to the surface very slowly.' 'Make them very comfortable, then break the bad news that there was no nuclear holocaust.' (HELEN GASPS) Ohhh... Adam... Oh, son... OK. Here you go. Careful. It's hot. 'Have you ever in your life seen a son who did more for his parents?' This is beautiful. It's absolutely beautiful. Yeah. Well... we SEEM to have everything, but you know... it's not much different from our fallout shelter. No, Calvin. This is different. Believe me. (SIGHS) This is great. Son... By the way... (Eve... her last name. Rustokov. That's not Russian, is it?) No. It's Ukrainian. Her grandparents emigrated. Dad, I don't know how to tell you this. I was gonna wait for a while, but... (SIGHS) Dad, there was no bomb. A plane crashed in our backyard. I looked it up in old newspapers. You sure? You sure? Positive. The Soviet Union collapsed. The Cold War's over. That's... what everyone believes? Oh, yes, sir. It's true. What, the Politburo one day said, "We give up!"? (LAUGHS) Yes. That's kinda how it went. By gosh, these Commies are brilliant. You have to hand it to them. "No, we didn't drop any bombs." "Our evil empire has collapsed. Poor us." I'll bet... they even asked the West for aid. Right? Um... I think they did. Boys? Dinner time. (Pot roast.) I'll tell ya! Funny guy. (Don't tell your mother.) No. OK. (EVE) 'Adam says this is how things work.' 'Parents take care of the children, then the children take care of the parents.' 'That's how it works.' Damn Commies! (CALVIN MUTTERS) (EVE) 'Whenever Adam gives me such obviously incorrect information, I just smile, pat his knee, and look out the window.' 'Why spoil his dreams?' 'They're such wonderful dreams.' (RANDY NEWMAN) # No one likes us. I don't know why # We may not be perfect but heaven knows we try # And all around even our old friends put us down # Let's drop the big one and see what happens #