Are you uncomfortable? I am a little bit, yeah. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS WILDLY) Ooh, that's a bit scary. Hi. We're in the car. She's famous. Why is that funny? Uh... Think of something. Come on! Sorry I couldn't make your parole hearing, but guess who I'm interviewing today! OK, I'll give you a clue. ENGLISH ACCENT: 'Thousands of luminous spheres. The Massage Pillow! 'Everybody do the blue monkey. It's a Bambillo!' WOMAN ON PHONE: Is it the Briscoes lady? No. It's Suzanne Paul. Do you remember when we got that vibrating pillow? I had to wash that with Dettol after you took it to your bedroom. OK. Gotta go. Bye, Mum! (LINE DISCONNECTS) QUIETLY: Shit. All right, here we are. Oh, yeah. Ooh, can't wait to meet her. I've never met her before. QUIRKY ACCENT: Suzanne! Suzanne! SUZANNE: Coming, love. Coming. (GASPS) Here we go. Oh, it's Suzanne! Hi! (LAUGHS) Oh, look at this divine place. Welcome. Come in. Isn't it just (GOOFILY) beautiful? What's this one? No clue. No, not a clue. No. I just used to buy them at auctions, you know, when I was rich. Yeah. I'd just buy them. I've been rich too ` twice ` so I understand. Oh! Have ya? Yeah. Well, my rich is probably your dead-poor. Right, yeah. Cos you're a filthy millionaire. (LAUGHS) Or were, until you got brought down to` I was. Now I'm just filthy. Suzanne Paul, creator of the Massage Pillow, the Suzanne Clip, mother of Natural Glow, seller of the Bambillo, one-hit wonder, mama of the Blue Monkey, entrepreneur, dreamer, lover, winner of Dancing With The Stars 2007, thanks for welcoming me into your whare, which is the Maori word for 'house'. PERFORMS KARANGA: Haere mai, haere mai. You're welcome. You keep talking in a funny voice. ENGLISH ACCENT: Why is that? What are you trying to say? (LAUGHS) Where are you from? What's your accent? Wolverhampton. OK. That's in England, right? Yes. What's your first-ever memory? Of what? Life? Mm. Being in a pram outside of a shop and throwing the potatoes out. And that's your first-ever memory? Yeah. What's your last memory? Um, just letting you in the door there, really. 'Suzanne' isn't the name you were born with, is it? No. What's your real name? Susan. S-U-S-A-N. What made you lengthen it? I was going out with a Frenchman at the time. (CHUCKLES) FRENCH ACCENT: Suzanne! Oui, oui, oui, oui! Yeah. Exactly. So, he called me, 'Oh, Suzanne. I love you, Suzanne.' And so when it came to launch the Natural Glow, and we were going to put Susan, I said, 'Well, you know, it sounds better when he says it. Suzanne sounds more glamorous.' It does, doesn't it? So that's what I did. And then everybody thought that was my name. So it's just Susan? No. I've changed it by deed poll. Oh, cool. So, I've got the passport now. I've got the driving licence. I am Suzanne Paul. Natural Glow's back, and it's better than ever! OK, Suzanne, so we're about to shoot an actual infomercial. What would you do to psych yourself up? (EXHALES) Lots of breathing. (BOTH EXHALE SHARPLY) And be in love with the product in your mind. Be in love with the product. Love the product. Do we love ourselves as well? Yep. As long as I don't have to love you. Well, you can if you want to, it's 2000 and` It's not happening. Just love the product. Just the product. OK. There's some great photos of the young Suzanne in your book. IMITATES SUZANNE: But wait, there's more. You're very photogenic. It's like you were born knowing exactly where the camera was. Am I right? I do. Am I right? Tell me about this photo, and do you still have the outfit? Oh God! No. So, that was one of my jobs. I had to run around the bar at night at the nightclub... Yeah. ...and just sit on the men's lap quickly. That's why you had to have the perfect smile. And you'd just go like that. (BREATHES DEEPLY) (LAUGHS) Welcome! Welcome! That's a good thing. That's what you do. How do you do that? Right, I'm gonna try it. OK. (BREATHES DEEPLY, LAUGHS WILDLY) Ooh! That's a bit scary. Is that too scary? Yeah, it's scary, that, Anika. I'll try and tone it down. There you go. Wow! This what happens when you do lots of infomercials ` you get this view. Yeah. Oh! Look at this ` Metro! READS: The woman who can sell anything. (LAUGHS) Is that true? Can you sell anything? Sell me. The best thing is if you sell something people really want, though. (GASPS) What was the first thing you sold? Like, was there a lightbulb moment where you were like, 'I can sell this shit. Awesome'? Yes. What was it? Boiled sweets. (LAUGHS) Back in England? Yes. All the fat people would come in, and I'd be, 'Have a few more, love. Have another shovel-full. You're all right. It's good for ya. It's lovely.' (LAUGHS) I would've been there, going... 'Have another one. 'Shove some chocolates in there. Whoa.' And what was your technique? What was it? It was the smile, but... The smile. You've got to be yourself, I think. You've got to be yourself. And you've got to really love what you're selling. I love sweets. I love chocolate. What's not to love? Yeah. Can you list all your products in chronological order? Well, the vibrating massage pillow was the first, funnily enough. (CHUCKLES) Why is that funny? Me and my mum went halves on one, and I remember back in Hornby, Christchurch, we'd be watching TV ` probably you on infomercials in the morning, having our coffee ` and I'd be like, 'Pass me the pillow.' And Mum would be like, 'Yeah, cool.' And I'd just shove it between my legs. Ooh! Yeah. And some nights, I took it to bed with me. Right. It wasn't really designed as, like, a marital aid. No, it was good. It was more, like, for relaxation. Oh, it relaxed me. Yeah. The Suzanne Clip. Do you remember? I used to do all the lovely scarves. Wouldn't suit you. It's not your` It wouldn't be your style. (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY) You're very casual. Oh, this is me dressed up. Oh, is it? Yeah. This is my best outfit, so... Oh, I beg your pardon. Mm. Yeah. Then the Natural Glow, with thousands of luminous spheres that reflect the light. ... with thousands of luminous spheres that reflect the light. Were there thousands of luminous spheres? Yeah. Millions, actually. So it wasn't thousands; it was millions? I just thought, 'Well, who's gonna believe millions?' But if you say 'thousands'... The funny thing about the ads is you could use it for everything. It would be good for you. You can go like that, and it would just slim all that jawline for you. So is this too fat here? Is this...? Well, it'd just give you a sharper jawline, contouring. Is that better? That's a little bit better. But you look like you've got too much chin now, see, when you do that. Oh, sorry. Yeah. That's it. That's good. I might borrow some of that, actually, later. OK. Oh wow! What have you got there, Anita? Well... Anika. Well, this is another product from Auntie Haerangi, and this is a mari-ju-ana comforter and pillow. What a marvellous idea! Yeah. What you'll love about this is one size fits all. It doesn't matter if you've got a thin neck or a fat neck, like you. It's going to expand, you see. Plus, it means you've got that total comfort and total relaxation of smoking a big joint, but without the bother of having to roll it. Ooh! Yum. What have you got here, Suzanne? Well, I've got a favourite product of mine today, Anita, because what's the worst thing about a meat pack? Huh? Exactly! It's got meat in it. So now... we have got the meat-free vegan meat pack. Mmm. Oh, delicious. What a marvellous idea! Tell me, will you throw anything in? What can we get extra? Oh! You know me, don't you? Come on! I know you with your things. Well, if you're one of the first 15 people to call, we'll also throw in a pack of sausages. Ooh! Oh, I do love a bit of black pudding, don't I? Could somebody call my agent? Quick-fire round now. No hard-selling, yapping, slapping on Natural Glow or playing with your Suzanne Clip, and sit up straight. Yes. Can you roll your tongue? Which way? Ew. Is it doing it? Stop it. You're turning me on. (LAUGHS) Get it? Cos I'm gay. (LAUGHS) Yeah. Have you ever been tricked into buying some useless crap by a really good infomercial? No. How do you correctly pronounce that big-arse lake in the middle of the North Island? Taupo. Oh, correct! (GASPS, LAUGHS) Yass, queen, yass! That's cool. Taupo. Taupo. Ever been mistaken for a drag queen or a member of the National Party? Drag queen. Definitely. I think it's the, um... Nothing. Did you ever pash an All Black or Black Power member? No! Why not? It's still no my bucket list. That's the end of that round. Oh. Did I pass? Thank you. You passed. Yay! Yeah, you passed. Yeah, yeah. Only just, though. Let's talk about your foray into the world of pop music ` (ENGLISH ACCENT) Blue Monkey. I was born ready. # Get down. Get funky. Everybody do the Blue Monkey. # Once we start, we won't want to stop. Thousands of luminous spheres. Who did you con into doing that song? My best friend. We'd drank a bottle of port, and it seemed like a good idea then. (BOTH CHUCKLE) So catchy. Godammit. It was. Could've gone to number one. Were you trying to present a dance craze? I thought, 'Ooh, people are too embarrassed to get up on the dancefloor, 'but if you're all doing the same dance, people are like, "Oh, yay."' Yeah. Like country dancing, eh? Yeah. Got me up dancing. I loved it. They say you should never read the comments, but we've looked under the Blue Monkey video on YouTube and read some of the comments. Would you like to read them out? Yeah. # Get down. Get funky. Everybody do the Blue Monkey. # Alex Grey writes ` I don't think that can be true. He's on drugs. Joh2 says ` (INHALES) I remember that Paul Holmes album. It was pretty bad, actually. (LAUGHS) Spliff73 says ` Probably just had a spliff, if that's his name. That's why he's wrote that. (LAUGHS) HelloOtter wrote ` (LAUGHS) Good on ya, Otter. I don't remember that. What was the one complaint you had? I did have one complaint. But you have to remember, (LAUGHS) back in the day, it was all done live. (CHUCKLES) Back in the day. I had a set of saucepans to sell, and when I took the lid off, somebody had put a stuffed cat in there for a joke. (LAUGHS) I thought it was so funny, so I said to Alison, 'Oh no. Not Chinese food again for tea.' (GUFFAWS) I had loads of complaints. Oh. There would've been more, but there was, you know` It wasn't` There was no` These days it would've been` You would've been` Oh! You would've gone back to England. Yeah, they'd have shipped me back. (LAUGHS) See, I think that's hilarious, but... It just came out. Now, I know you're really good at selling anything, but I'm not sure` I don't know if you'll be able to sell this next product. It's an invisible dildo. Here you go. You hold it. Come on. It's a bit big, isn't it? (LAUGHS) Yeah, no, it's my size. Well, the marvellous thing, of course, about the invisible dildo is... no one can see it. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) It's invisible. It's really going for it too. So you can take it with you anywhere, can't you? One size does fit all. (LAUGHS) Doesn't matter what size you are. This is going to fit. It's going to do the job. 100% orgasm guaranteed! Are you uncomfortable? I am a little bit, yeah. (LAUGHS) Hi. We're in the car. She's famous. Think of something. Come on! Uh... * OK, Google, tell me about this Jamie Curry aka Jamie's World chick. ELECTRONIC VOICE: Here's what I` Hang on. I'll just pull over. Oh. OK. Here's what I found on Jamie Curry. She is a YouTuber, vlogger and comedian, best known for creating Jamie's World, which has been seen by tens of millions of people and taken her all the way to Antarctica. She's done stuff like this, and this, and this, and currently has 1.3 million YouTube subscribers. How many subscribers does Anika Moa have? Anika Moa has 1.3 subscribers. You mean millions, right? Good one. Ha, ha, ha, ha. (GASPS) What don't I eat any more? Obviously, meat. But what were my favourite things I used to eat, and now what do I eat instead of them? I used to really love bacon and eggs. Obviously, I can't eat bacon any more, s` (KNOCKS) Jamie. Hi! What are you doing? Whatcha doin'? So, what's our safe word? QUIETLY: Ca-caw, ca-caw. But with a bit more gusto. (CLEARS THROAT) Ca-caw, ca-caw. Jamie Curry. (COUGHS) Ca-caw, ca-caw. Jamie Curr` Are you uncomfortable? I am a little bit, yeah. (LAUGHS) No need to be uncomfortable. (SCOFFS, CHUCKLES) You are a YouTube star. That wasn't even a thing when I was a kid, so kia ora. Are you making a living out of this, or are you a life coach or an Uber driver on the side? No, this is my job ` full-time. Full-time? Yeah. Cool. What was your first hit, when you went, 'Shit, this is a thing. 'Like, people wanna watch me on TV talking non-stop ` non-stop about myself'? First hit was probably... I was 16 and danced with goofy suspenders and glasses. (HIP-HOP MUSIC) That was, like, quite big for some reason. I went to my school ball, and I filmed that. We're in the car on the way to the ball. Say hi, guys. Hi, guys. (LAUGHS) People liked that a lot. Do you always know why something is a hit? No, cos it was always the ones that I liked that didn't do so well. That wouldn't do so well? Yeah. I never know. I remember I, sort of, got to a million likes on Facebook, and then it was, like, a million each month after that. I was like, sweet, people actually like me. And what would they say on your` on the comments underneath? They'd be like, 'Oh, you're funny,' or they'd be like, 'You suck.' A mix of stuff. Today I'm going to be talking about... me! Yes, that's right ` me. I'm going to be talking about myself ` me. Not you. Me. How do you deal with that emotionally when people say, 'Oh, you're dumb'? It annoys me when it's, like, a young kid. They'll be like, 'Hey, you got a bit fat now. Maybe lose some weight. You were prettier before.' (CHUCKLES) They don't understand consequence. I used to have people in Hawke's Bay ` where I'm from ` say bad stuff, and then I'd see them in real life, and they'd put their head down and keep walking. So that kind of, like, made it seem not so scary, cos these people are just like... (GROANS). Keyboard warriors. They think they're helping you. That's the comments that I hate. You try being a mother of twins who say it to your face. Oh. ENGLISH ACCENT: # Here's the story from A to Z, gonna get with me, gotta listen carefully. # So, I've started a YouTube channel, but I'm struggling to get a lot of views, and I get a lot of thumbs down. Mm. I want you to be honest. What am I doing wrong? Here's some of my YouTube shows. What the fuck?! This one's a household tip ` how to put a duvet on your cover. This is one I made last night ` it's making gorgeous shoes out of plastic bottles. It's like, you know, (IMITATES DOLPHIN) saving dolphins. That one's my make-up tutorial. Oh. I just put this shit everywhere. What's with the bow? It's beautiful. Eyebrows aren't even. It's my fashion. Maybe don't stare so into the camera. OK. Don't stare too much. Like... Like a psycho? Yeah. I use blowfly strength. (SPRAY HISSES) Is that fly spray? Get in there and` Ooh! Ooh! Everything that you did,... Don't do it? ...don't do it, basically, and you'll be fine. Thank you, master. Thank you, sensei. You need to be more relatable to people. What could I do? Come on, come on, come on. (SNAPS FINGERS) Um... Maybe you could do... singing. You're a singer. You sing in the car. You could do... singing carpool... car stuff. Hi, everyone. It's Jamie Curry. We're in the car. She's famous. Hi. OK, so, should we do Tay-Tay? Go. # I stay up too late. Dun, dun-dun-dun. # Got nothing in my brain. # Dun-dun-dun. # I hate this song. Oh, OK. What's another one? BOTH: # Yesterday's gone. Yesterday's gone. # I sometimes question the safety of really hardcore, like, carpool karaoke while you're driving. No pain, no gain. (LAUGHS) Uh... Did you struggle with your sexuality? Bad. (LAUGHS) OK. This is the nitty-gritty now. OK. Woman's Day tabloid section now. OK? OK. (GENTLE MUSIC) You've recently announced that you are in love, and it's with a woman. Big deal. (LAUGHS) Big deal. Been there. Done that. So, you're getting married. OM Jesus. Have you chosen your wedding singer, and do you mind if I audition for you? You actually sung, didn't you...? Is it You Are My Sunshine? Oh, for fuck's` It's, like, our song. (LAUGHS) And it was your song. I'll sing at your wedding... Yeah, literally, sing` ...for a small fee of 10K plus. It's kinda weird, but, yeah, it was your song. I reckon I know what song you'll walk down the aisle too. (PLAYS TUNE) Metallica. # And another one does. Another one bites the dust. # # I'm a model. See? You walking down the aisle. # Know what I mean? # # Cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor. # # As for me, ha, you'll see. Slam your body down and wind it all around. # Come on. Like, do I rap while I'm...? # E Ihowa Atua... # Is that the national anthem? Yeah. I just thought it'd be lovely. Get into the fucking groove, man. Don't come at me! Cheer up, Susie. Sing a decent wedding song. OK, OK. Last song. Last song. Love, slow... OK. # I... (SNIFFS) # will always love you. # (VOCALISES) And that's you kissing. Done. Yeah. (GROWLS) Thought that could be when you sign` No. So, you're in love with a girl. You're getting married. Exciting! But are you really prepared for what's coming? Just so you know what you're getting into, I'd like you to meet with my Auntie Sarah, just for a chat. She's a counsellor and a good Christian woman. Of course. OK. (WHISPERS) Oh, come in, come in. Sit down. I'm just on the phone. OK, well, if temptation rises, a cold bath always works for me. OK. Bye, Mum. Sorry about that, dear. That's OK. I'm Dr Sarah Muff. I'm a conversion therapist and a pet psychic. (CHUCKLES) Let me set you straight. OK, dear? Literally. Let's get you on the straight and narrow. Have you considered these things when you marry a woman? Periods ` in sync. Who's gonna be the grumpy one? Well, I don't get grumpy on my period. That's disgusting. Now, purple polar fleece. I don't know what that is. Well, all lesbians wear purple polar fleeces. A purple polar fleece? I've got one in my cupboard. So you're a lesbian? I'm not... Let's move on and talk about you a little bit more. (LAUGHS) Now, I'm just gonna throw words at you, OK, dear? Topp Twins! Lesbians. Scarlett Johansson. Actor. Good. Boobs. Is that a no? I think we might've converted you. Laura. (GASPS) Bad. (LAUGHS) So, what is this? Kristen Stewart. Bad. She's bad. OK? Bad. OK. Good. I want to jump on that and score tries. (SNORTS, LAUGHS) I hope that helped. I really felt like I was getting through to you. And also, did you have a cat that died called Miggles? No. OK, sorry. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. Yeah, I bet. OK. Lovely to meet you. Bye. I'm just looking at your earrings, and you just see big balls swinging in your face. Did you struggle with your sexuality? Yeah. All my friends and family knew, obviously. But if I was going somewhere, I'd be like, 'Oh, my friend' or stuff like that. So it just took a while to, like, be super comfortable with it. Coming from someone who's been there, I totally understand what you're saying,... Yeah. ...because you do, actually, have to process it. Yeah. Like, it even took a while for us to, like, be comfortable holding hands everywhere, and now we're` Yeah, yeah. Obviously, there's times where... it's maybe dangerous. Like, sometimes if we walk past a bunch of men, older men, we won't` we'll drop our hands, cos we just can't be bothered with them saying nasty stuff, or just gross stuff. We all get that. That's what I do. I drop Natasha's hand. I'm like, 'Don't look at me.' Yeah. And then I start, like, looking at the guys going, 'Whoo-hoo! Yeah!' # You are my sunshine, # my only sunshine. # You make me happy... Do you like this? # ...when skies are grey. I'll cry. It gets me. # You'll never know, dear, # how much I love you. You guys are kissing. # Please don't take my sunshine away. That's a good one. I like that one. # I love you, Laura. # I wanna explore-a... (LAUGHS) # ...all over your body,... My mum's watching. # ... day and night. (CHUCKLES) # I love whipped cream and special garter belts. You'll get there. (LAUGHS) # Please don't take my sunshine away. # Thank you! Thank you, everybody, for coming to my wedding. I mean, their wedding. (LAUGHS) Now, let's get pissed. (LAUGHS) Can you read anything in my aura? And I'm really sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable. (LAUGHS) You from WINZ? No. Here we go. You want me to bully you? That's a bit gay. Huh? What? Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.