We're so beautiful. (CHUCKLES) I was a nerdy kid. Go figure (!) I just pissed my pants. No, no, no. I don't want to touch you now. - (LAUGHS) Stick to drag. - (BOTH LAUGH) Yeah, I know I said I'd take you to the hospital, but I've got to interview David Seymour. VOICE ON PHONE: Oh, is he one of Winston's boys, is he? Nah, he's way more right-wing than Uncle Winnie. Oh, yeah. He's a nice-looking boy, that one. He looks rich too, eh, bub? Well, he does live in Remmers. I'll try and steal an ashtray or some cutlery for you. OK, bye, Mum! (CLASSY STRING MUSIC) Look. That needs Photoshopping. Ooh, look at this. Salad ` $8.52 from Farro. Kia ora! Nice to meet you. Hi. How are ya? Good. You too. You're handsome! Look how handsome you are. Well, you're so youthful. (GASPS) You got me. He gets me, you know what I mean? And... action. (CLEARS THROAT) David Seymour. Hello. Hi. (GIGGLES) Touch me. Come on. Let's do this. Kia ora. Kia ora. Kia ora. Before we start, I just want to check some of the research I have. Our researcher is going through a bit of a tough time at the moment. (CHUCKLES) So we'll just check. David is 35 years old. That's right. Looks like the whitest guy ever, a total honky, cracker, milky boy kid. You're actually Ngapuhi on your mother's side. Ae. That's the thing ` I'm Ngapuhi as well. I know. I've stalked you on Wikipedia. Once got busted by cops having sex in his car which has his face on the side of it. (CHUCKLES WRYLY) That's awkward. (GIGGLES) Uh... Welcome to the family! I wish that was true. But we can make that happen, cos your car's down there. (SLEAZY FUNK MUSIC) True or false ` plays guitar better than Simon Bridges plays drums, but not as well as Winston plays the pokies. (LAUGHS) I'm probably in that zone. (PLAYS DIRE STRAITS' 'SULTANS OF SWING') (BOTH CHUCKLE) What was little Davie like? Paint us a picture of your childhood. I was a nerdy kid. Go figure (!) (LAUGHS) Yeah, I know. When I was 6, I gave a speech at assembly about why we should have an aluminium recycling centre to save the kakapo. Was this a Green Party thing? Or... Oh, no. I still believe you should recycle aluminium. It takes a lot more energy to, um... to` to electrolyse the alumna. You don't know what that means, do you? I don't care. That's how I danced in Dancing With The Stars, and I got through nine rounds. Have you ever been bullied by Winston Peters? Like, has he called you 'Sonny Jim', or 'Sunshine', or 'Stupid Little Boy', or flicked you behind the ears like this? Ow. (LAUGHS) Yeah? He actually called me David Seyless one day, and I was like` (LAUGHS) bro, you're, like, old enough to be my grandad. Seyless. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. But hopefully, he'll grow up eventually. If he really wanted to be specific, he'd call you David Semen, and then go like this. - '(GARGLES) I'm coming for you!' - (BOTH LAUGH) I thought seamen were, like, into sailing. John Banks, Don Brash, Rodney Hide ` root, marry, kill. (LAUGHS) Like, really root. Like, boof to the fucking n'th degree. (LAUGHS) Like, really get in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wouldn't want to kill any of them, and I wouldn't want to root any of them, Marry. (LAUGHS) so I guess we'd just have to have a sort of a four-way marriage, eh? Politics, shmolitics. Let's talk dance, my man. Let's get funky. (SLEAZY FUNK MUSIC) Did anyone try to talk you out of Dancing With The Stars? No, I didn't ask anyone, in case they did. What about your lover? She was in favour. Get a skinnier boyfriend,... (LAUGHS) and with rhythm, and, yeah. Anyway. Did you realise you would be that popular? I'm not sure I was. I think people were mostly just having a laugh. I think they were too. (CHUCKLES) How desperate were you to be voted off? I really wanted to beat Marama Fox. You know that Marama Fox was only voted off cos all the Maori people couldn't afford to actually text in, cos it's not dole day, eh? Maybe if they learned, like, you know, delayed gratification and saving, then they could have kept her in there. Bloody Maoris! See? Say it. Say it. Uh... (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) Bloody Maoris! Well, you just basically said it with that little... (GROANS) Have you now got a taste for reality TV, and will we soon see your hairy balls on Naked Attraction? (LAUGHS) How do you know they're hairy? Tickle, tickle, tickle! (GRUNTS) It's like my only song. Nah, it's good. It's good. Keep going. Keep going. Away you go. (STRUMS CHORDS) Actually, let's not. Do you want to, um` There's this new dance called the Level Up Challenge. Do you want to teach me how to do that? Cos I can't dance. Yeah, absolutely. OK. I can't dance either. Yes! It's great for both of us. All right, let's do it. (CIARA'S 'LEVEL UP') ANIKA: # Level up. Level up. # Level up, level up, level up. # Level up. Level up. # Level up, level up, level up. # Level up. Level up. # Level up, level up, level up. # Level up. Level up. # Level up, level up, level up. # All righty. Game on. Yay! Cool. OK. Dancing. (GRUNTS) That's like... half. Yeah. Should we have a smoko? (CIARA'S 'LEVEL UP') (PANTS) It's not working for me. I've got to ring a professional. Oh, I understand. OK, we'll ring a professional, we'll get help from her. She's my mate. All right. Yeah, hi. Yeah, can you get here now? OK. See you. Right. She's on her way. 'They've taken to it like ducks to water.' God, where is she? (GASPS) Oh, she's here. Oh, yay! Kia ora! Hello! Finally, you're here to save us. Hello! This is David. Hi. Nice to meet you. Hi. Nice to meet you. Kirsten. She's my close personal friend from the video ` Ciara's video clip, 'Level Up, Level Up, Level Up.' Oh, fantastic. Nice. You're gonna teach us, eh? OK. Let's get started. Awesome. Praise the Lord. One,... two,... three. Other way. Oh, other way. Four, five, six. Then we go centre. Seven, eight. Seven, eight. Then` I saw your move before. Nice. OK. So we go here. Five, six` What about my move? Eh? I saw yours too. # Five, four, three, two, one. Let's go. # Level up. Level up. # Level up, level up, level up. # Level up. Level up. # Level up, level up, level up. # David Seymour's so yummy. # David Seymour's so yummy. # Level up. Level up. # Level up, level up, level up. # Level up. Level up. # Level up, level up, level up. # Level up. Level up. # Level up, level up, level up. # David Seymour's so yummy. # David Seymour's so yummy. # Level up. Level up. # Level up, level up, level up. # And that's a wrap! Very nice! LAUGHS: Very nice. (PANTS) Are you really going to change the ACT Party name? I think we might. I mean, you've got to actually go out and test these things, so you've got to research` Test it on me. Test it on me. All right. We are no longer ACT. We are now... Reform. What the fuck's that? Yeah, see? That's the problem. And it sounds like a prison. OK. We are no longer ACT New Zealand. We are now the Freedom Party. Ooh, I like it. Oh, fuck. All right. Anika Moa's voting for us. Not gonna work (!) (LAUGHS) I'm gonna be your biggest opposition. But, I` Well, literally, but, I mean, I think that, um` (BOTH LAUGH) But` Did you just fuckin'... thing my weight? Yeah, I fat-shamed you. Yeah. Yeah. Um, get used to it. Hey, you want this whole free speech thing. Let's do it. No, I like it. I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I don't want to touch you now. (LAUGHS) Yeah. No, I figured. I don't want my fat to end up on your hands. That's true. And then your hand to get fat. It's not contagious, is it? Yeah. Oh, jeez. Can you describe the ACT Party in three words or less? Freedom, choice, responsibility. Great. Can you describe the Green Party with a facial expression? (GAGS, COUGHS) Fuck! (LAUGHS) OK. What about Labour? (SIGHS) (LAUGHS) What about... ACT? Yeah! (LAUGHS) This is much more fun than being interviewed by Guyon Espiner, I've got to say. Ugh` oh, wait, how does he speak? Hey, can you do him? IN BREATHY VOICE: Uh, and today, the ACT Party is saying something I disagree with and have to read out and aren't very happy about right now. (LAUGHS) That's actually quite good. (CLICKS TONGUE) In the office. We found some of the meanest things that people have said about you on Twitter. Sorry. Oh, all right. Stuff, Facebook, and the Trade Me message board. (LAUGHS) Trade Me message boards? I mean, is there no limit to people beating up on me online? (LAUGHS) So, in the style of Mean Tweets, can you read these hurtful insults out straight down the camera? Of course. OK. (READS TWEET) LAUGHS: I mean, what is this dude's knowledge of old men's ballsacks? Or what? I mean, you're gonna, like, attack me with bad spelling and grammar (?) (LAUGHS) Yeah! Oh, sorry. That's the wrong list. They were just my notes. Sorry! (LAUGHS) Oh, aroha mai. Sorry! (LAUGHS) This interview will lead to me getting attacked. I guarantee it. It will either lead to you` I hope so, eh? ...actually becoming Prime Minister, or ending up dead in a gutter. Maybe. Well, not long to go, now. All right. Damn, I'm liking this. Is it gonna end? I don't want it to end. Quick fire ` no dithering, twerking or yapping on like a rabid Jack Russell Terrier. Just fast, straight answers. Ready, set, go. Have you ever undressed in front of a dog? Yes. Have you ever farted in parliament but blamed it on Gerry Brownlee? (LAUGHS) No, but that's a good idea. Your nickname among the crew of Dancing With The Stars was Minister Bumbum? (CACKLES) Is that right? True. Hm. Have you ever smoked weed or dabbled dope or Mary Jane or waccy-baccy or Gisborne Gold or Te Puke Thunder? All of the above. Yes! Are you scared of Judith Collins? (SCOFFS) No! Why not? Well, why would you be? (GUNSHOT) Seven, eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Five, six, seven, eight. (LAUGHS) One, two, three, four` (LAUGHS) Whoo! Oh my God. We are so beautiful. - (LAUGHS) Stick to drag. - (BOTH LAUGH) * Yeah, I know I said I'd come to your sentencing, but I've got to interview Kita and Anita from this new TV series called House of Drag. Yeah, it's where men dress up as women. I don't dress up like a man! I'm femme as fuck! Yeah, well, I hope you get a life sentence. OK. Love you, Mum. Bye. Whoa! Wax people! They look so real. Look at their bosomses. You can touch mine if I can touch yours. (LAUGHS) (SCREAMS) What the fuck?! Oh my God, you're real life! Hello! How are you, gorgeous? I'm good, thank you. Hello, sweet darling. How are you? You both look way better than me. It's not hard, is it? (ALL LAUGH) It is quite hard, actually. Oh. Ooh, you are pleased to see me. I really am. Kita and Anita ` drag queens, stars and hosts of the new hit reality show House of Drag. Welcome to the House of Drag! Oh, thank you! It's lovely to be here. Whip-smart and boisterously .... Well, that is what it says in the PR fluff for your show. Well, I'll be the judge of that, won't I? (QUEENS LAUGH) So youse fellas are drag queens. Drag artists? Dragists? What shall I call you? Um, fugly sluts out for a good time, but we're open to suggestions. To be fair, whatever goes. Whatever goes? In my mouth. As in... penis? Yeah! Fugly slut clowns out for a good time. You should rename your bar ` Fugly Slut Clowns. It's not cos of the way we look. It's cos we're constantly juggling balls. (ALL LAUGH) I'm good at juggling balls. I've done some sword swallowing in my time as well. Have you? Mm. So have I. - How do you think I got pregnant? - (QUEENS LAUGH) - Just jokes. It was a turkey baster. (QUEENS LAUGH) So, growing up, did you ever think one day, we'll have a drag empire and our own TV show? I Wouldn't necessarily call it an empire, but rather a tragic mess of life. (QUEENS LAUGH) It's just been full of glitter and disappointment. Yeah. (LAUGHS) Fairy muff. (QUEENS CACKLE) Am I gonna look as good as you guys? You will look much better. What sorts of things have you used as boobs? (GASPS) Good question! Actually, I was a serial sock-stuffer, until I recently evolved into, like, these little latex-y, silicon-y numbers. Oh, give us a look. (GASPS) Oh. (LAUGHS) Hey, they're like mine! Anika, I think you need a comparison shot here. (LAUGHS) OK. They'll be` BOTH: # Be prepared. # I've had a couple of these in my life, in my years. (EXCLAIMS) This is the good stuff. Look at your tit! It looks like an avocado! (ALL LAUGH) Whoo! I'm Kita, I'm Anita. (LAUGHS) Oh my God, your tits are huge. You're like Dolly Parton, (LAUGHS) and you're more like Kate Winslet. Cool. Catch. To be fair, the lop-sidedness is looking real realistic. (LAUGHS) It's a good look for you. (BOTH LIP-SYNC FARM ANIMALS BLEATING) You're kind of like makeup artists, really. Waking up to being in everything is about four hours. Wow! Yeah. Well, for me, I'm a little bit faster, so I'm about... two hours? Whoa. But to be fair, like, four hours, two hours. I know how unfair it is. You can see where the time goes. It's really unfair that she spends so much longer than me and she looks way more hideous than I do. (CHUCKLES) Hey, can you two give me a drag queen makeover and teach me the tricks of the trade? We'd love to! Absolutely! Yeah! Makeover! I'm gonna set the gun to 'whore'. (CHUCKLES, MIMICS SHOTGUN BLAST) (QUEENS LAUGH) You look just like me. It's really disturbing. (TCHAIKOVSKY'S 'RUSSIAN DANCE') You guys come up with quips so fast. I've had so much cock in my mouth, I'm gonna have to grow a moustache to hide the stretch marks. (LAUGHS) I've had so much cock in my mouth, you could call me a rooster. (LAUGHS) ('RUSSIAN DANCE' CONTINUES) Oh my God. We're so beautiful. (TRASHY HIP-HOP MUSIC) GERMAN ACCENT: OK, ladies. Let's do this. Let's drag race! (BOTH CHEER) (CHUCKLES DAINTILY) (CHUGGING HEAVY METAL MUSIC) (TRAFFIC HONKS, SCREECHES) (HORN HONKS) Oh, Anika, you are too fabulous. SING-SONGY: Thank you! Lip-syncing is a well known tool in the drag queen's toolbox. Are you ready to sync for your life?! # Yeah! # # Maybe! # If it's a song by Anika Moa, we might not have heard it, because not many people have. (ALL CACKLE) Mm. Let's finish this interview now (!) # Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon. # That's gonna be tricky. BOTH LIP-SYNC: # Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon. # BOTH LIP-SYNC: # Hit me baby one more time. # (BOTH LIP-SYNC GOATS BLEATING) BOTH LIP-SYNC TO MIKE HOSKING: What a puffed-up, self-involved pile of political bollocks. BOTH LIP-SYNC: # You just can't beat The Mad Butcher's meat. # (PHONE BEEPING) (DIAL-UP MODEM FEEDBACK) - (LAUGHS SOFTLY) (FEEDBACK CONTINUES) Oh, how are we gonna watch porn now? (LAUGHS) Do you have photos of you looking mannish? QUEENS: No! I like that he's trying to, like, lift up one leg and push out a fart. * What was the first drag moment in your lives? Like dressing up in kindy or stealing your mum's lipstick or something. Oh, yeah! So my, uh, first drag moment was I have three sisters, and they went to a wedding, and they were bridesmaids in the wedding, and they had these, like, terribly tacky 80s brides` like, flower girls. Sorry, they were flower girls. And they got to keep the dresses, and I was obsessed with them, and my family kept trying to hide it from me, but I'd always find it and I'd love dressing up in it. So I was a little princess, and, yeah. That was my first time in drag. To be fair, they would also hide the snacks from you, and that went sour as well. That's true! (LAUGHS) What about yours? I think for me` This is gonna sound really disturbing, but I put my mum's bra on, her shoes, and some, like` I think her underwear too, which is even worse, and I walked into the living room and I did, like, a little, like, pretend to be a lady, and they loved it, and they laughed and laughed and laughed. And probably from then, I was like, 'These underwear things are amazing'. Your mum would have been like, 'Yay!' but secretly, 'Oh, fuck. Here we go.' Are you guys happy outside of drag, or do you wear drag all the time? I would say we don't wake up like this, but I'm such a lazy bitch that often I do. (ALL LAUGH) I would say we're more slightly mannish out of this heavy makeup, but I think we're always pretty much femmy, femmy poofters. That's right. Yeah. We like to call ourselves 'disco poofs'. Do you have photos of you looking mannish? QUEENS: No! Really? Nothing? We don't let anybody see us. Really? Is it taboo? It is totally taboo. You do know that being a woman is no picnic, eh? I love women. All the coolest people in my life are, like, strong, fabulous, confident women that have, like, made these cool` Two sisters? Three sisters? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we love you, and I'm pretty sure you're a woman. Um... Yep, I am. I think so. I'm getting good at this! DEEP VOICE: I think so, actually. Sometimes, I do slip into my male thing, you know? (QUEENS LAUGH) It's all` I love rugby, and I love, um... girls. I love how your male voice is 100% just Helen Clark. (ALL LAUGH) HELEN CLARK IMPRESSION: Oh, no. Helen Clark` Oh, actually, Helen Clark is like this. (QUEENS EXCLAIM) DEEP VOICE: And this is my` NORMAL VOICE: Oh, yeah, it is! (ALL LAUGH) Beautiful! OK. Quick-fire round. Ooh. Yes. No voguing, pouting, pissing or throwing hissy fits, and sit up straight, you bitches! At what age should a queen retire? How old are you? How old are you? (QUEENS LAUGH) You both look around... 68? 69, I prefer. Of course you do. Tucked or untucked? Tucked. Tucked. What's the most you've spent on an item of clothing? Oh, about $1000. Ooh. I'm Jewish, so about $500. How low can you go, and how high can you fly vocally? Oh. DEEP VOICE: You know, like, how low can you go. HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: # How high can you fly? # (VOCALISES MID-RANGE) I'm no good. (SINGS DEEP, GRUMBLY NOTE) (LAUGHS) (HOLDS NOTE) (SPLUTTERS, HOLDS NOTE) That low. Thank you. I've been working on it. (STRAINED LOW NOTE) SCRATCHY VOICE: Who's my special little guy? How high can you go? Oh, now's my time to shine. (QUEENS VOCALISE HIGH NOTES) (LAUGHS) Stick to drag. (QUEENS CHUCKLE) That finishes that round. So, you guys are BFFs? Totally! And part-time lovers. Are you really part-time lovers? OK. So, tell me about being on the show House of Drag. (ALL CHEER) Hello, my darlings, and welcome to House of Drag. (ALL CHEER) The competition starts now. (CHEERING, EXCLAIMING) It was so much fun. So, basically, it's a elimination-style reality TV show. Yeah. And it's nine contestants living in a house, basically getting up to mischief. And what kind of things did you get up to? So, each week` Did you have to stay there as well, or...? BOTH: No. We weren't allowed to. We wanted to. We wanted to, but` Mostly because of the free booze and food. (QUEENS LAUGH) And not to mention the hot crew. (GASPS) Ooh! OK. (QUEENS LAUGH) They were delicious. They certainly were. Right. OK. The wrap party was outrageous. Outrageous! We literally heard, like, flesh slapping and beds banging. (GASPS) LAUGHS: It was outrageous! God! (LAUGHS) To be fair, the flesh slapping was just you doing this. (LAUGHS, MAKES MAKING NOISES) If you can make that, but sweaty, then that's probably accurate. (GAGS) So, drag queens are known as being quite mean about fashion. So I'd love you to give your take on these... questionable... people. OK. Oh, I'd love to. OK. Exhibit number A. They've got splits on their knees, so I'm assuming they're spending a lot of time down on their knees. Yeah. Out of 10, what do we give this person? I'd probably give him one. Just saying. I'd give him one too. (GIGGLES) Who do you think this person here is? I'm gonna say... maybe Jenny Shipley, maybe? I'm actually gonna go with Paula Bennett. Oh! Who is it? It's Brian Tamaki. It is Jenny Shipley! (LAUGHS) Jenny Shipley. Let's just throw him right there. (LAUGHS, MIMICS EXPLOSION) OK. Exhibit B. I love her hair. Oh, look at that. She's got, like, lots of, maybe, like, taxpayer's money buying her outfits. (ALL LAUGH) It looks like that pink could be hiding some serious teeth. Yeah. (LAUGHS) Well, I was thinking it was either Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus. (LAUGHS) One of the two. It's Jacinda! (ALL CHEER) She looks great there. JACINDA IMPRESSION: Thank you very much for coming today. NORMAL VOICE: I haven't got it. I haven't got her accent down. OK. (QUEENS LAUGH) Oh, wow. Our next guest. I like that he's trying to, like, lift up one leg and push out a fart. That's quite nice. (WHEEZES) Can you guess who this man is? Um, maybe... Winston Peters? Yeah. I'd say Winston Peters. OK. Let's have a look. (MIMICS BUZZER) It's Mike Hosking. Oh! Sorry, Mark Hosking? Mike Hosking. No. Still don't really` sorry. Oh, no one really does. You're just` oh, you're gonna sit on his... face. (LAUGHS) Oh, that's gonna be like getting kissed by a mussel. (SLURPS) (BOTH LAUGH) OK. And our last exhibit is... Oh, she's been sleeping in that hair. Yes. It's like she's, like, forgotten to do heaps of her buttons up. Oh. I don't know who it would be. Would that` It's Anika Moa! Oh, it's Anika Moa! (LAUGHS) Oh! (LAUGHS) Here. You keep that. You look so innocent. Who would've thought that you'd have turned into this, like, crazy, offensive bitch? LAUGHS: Thank you! And cut! (ALL LAUGH) You live in West Auckland. I do. It's disgusting. AMERICAN ACCENT: I wanna go fast now, girl. That was awful. Oh, is that how it's gonna be, eh? (MIMICS ELECTRIC GUITAR) Captions by Cameron Grigg. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019