'Hello?' '"Sonny, it's your dad. Are you asleep?"' 'Nah. Hey, man, I was exercising.' "Bullshit. You were sleeping." "Bullshit. You were sleeping." No, I wasn't. "Stop lying. You still act like you're six." "Stop lying. You still act like you're six." 'OK, Dad, I act like I'm six.' (GIGGLES) "Any luck finding a job where you can work more than one day a week?" 'I've been looking.' 'I've been looking.' '"Looking doesn't pay the rent."' 'I got the cab accident money, it's invested in the stock market, so relax.' it's invested in the stock market, so relax.' "Don't blow it on worthless crap." "Know what you should spend it on? Your bar exam." 'You're the lawyer. I ain't taking no bar exam.' 'I got too much other shit goin' on in my life.' 'I got too much other shit goin' on in my life.' "I don't know what happened to you." "How are things going with your girlfriend Vanessa?" Things are going fine. Shit! I gotta go, Dad. Damn! You turned off the alarm clock again. No. I mean, yes. I thought you needed more sleep. That was a real jerk thing to do. Thanks a lot(!) Why are you goin' to work? It's Sunday. Why are you goin' to work? It's Sunday. I'm not. I'm going to brunch with potential clients. A party planner gets business by meeting people. Meet with me. I'll order in from Cozy's. We'll have fun. I am sick of Cozy's. You order in all the time. The delivery guy's your best friend! The delivery guy's your best friend! He happens to be nice. There's a rough patch in my life right now. Syracuse is owing three. I got medical problems. A cab runs over your foot two years ago, you spend one night in hospital Firstly, that cab was huge. A jury decided that one night of pain was worth $200,000, so there you go! Whatever. Why are you being so nuts to me lately? You won't move on to the next phase of your life. I'd like to have a family, but I need someone I can rely on. You need a father figure? "Stop pulling your sister's hair!" You need a father figure? "Stop pulling your sister's hair!" I am gonna go to Syracuse to see my mother. I'll be back on Wednesday. What are you talking about? (FOREIGN ACCENT) I had call for delivery, but it was crank call. Want some chocolate cake? Bad timing. I'll Indian wrestle you later. Bad timing. I'll Indian wrestle you later. You're going down. We'll see about that. We'll see about that. OK. Peace, out. Whaddya mean you're going away? Whaddya mean you're going away? We need time to think. About what? About what? Why there's any reason for me to be a part of your life. While you're at it, think about getting a real job. I got a real job! Patrick Ewing. Nice shot. Hey, Sonny. Hey, Sonny. (CAR HORN) I'm out the door. Hey, pal. Where are you goin'? Manhattan. Manhattan. Wanna take me with you? Hold on to your money. Later on, pal. See ya. # I was always thinking of things that I was playin' # A child who makes the best of my time # But only love can break your heart... # (ALL) Surprise! Just ignore him. Ssh. It's only Sonny. It's only Sonny. Yeah, it's only me, it's only me. What's goin' on? Corinne's holding a party for Kevin. Corinne's holding a party for Kevin. Why didn't she tell me? The roommate has a right to know. The roommate has a right to know. She knew you'd tell him. No, I wouldn't. Hey, surprise. (ALL) Surprise! Surprise. What's goin' on? (SIGHS) We wasted the good surprise on you! All right. (DOOR SLAMS) (SOBS) Is this your handiwork? Is this your handiwork? I guess. See you in three hours. Good to see you stiffs out. What have you been doing? Good to see you stiffs out. What have you been doing? Last 3 weeks have been crazy at work I've been sleeping in the office. We go to trial on the fraud case. It was a great surprise. I was totally shocked. No, you weren't! And I worked so hard on this! Need some help? Need some help? Your sister's here. Hey, sweetie. Hey, sweetie. I hate Sonny! My client's out $7m, and all we can sue on is breach of contract. Try suing under the Corrupt Foreign Practices Act. Try suing under the Corrupt Foreign Practices Act. I gotta get back to the office. You're the king. Mikey, pleasure. See you at home. All right. I'll walk ya. I gotta admit, I'm still a little weird with that when they kiss. I gotta admit, I'm still a little weird with that when they kiss. Why? That's what gay guys do. I know, but they were like brothers to us back in school. They're still like our brothers. Our very gay brothers. What are you doing after this? Going to a Klan meeting? Remember when Dad had that huge barbecue for his work friends, then it rained, so he and Mom had to make a hundred hamburgers in the kitchen with one frying pan? You're not gonna let a little rain stop you from making a hundred hamburgers, are you? # We get it almost every night... They've lasted longer than I thought they would. They've lasted longer than I thought they would. Look at his eyes. He's bored. I give it two more weeks. I give it two more weeks. Hey, excuse me, everybody. I wanted to thank you all for coming tonight. I guess I should say... (SPEAKS CHINESE) (LAUGHTER) I'm gettin' it. Tomorrow I'm leaving for China to represent the fine firm of Morton and Mandel. Yes, the same guy who once shaved his ass to win a $5 bet. Yes, the same guy who once shaved his ass to win a $5 bet. Prove it. (GENERAL LAUGHTER) Just kiddin'. But I'm glad you're all here cos I'm about to do something I never thought I'd have the guts to do. You're not proposing?! Er, yeah, pal, I am. Think about it, you know? God, shut up! Phew! Anyway, er, will you? Yeah. (GENERAL APPLAUSE) Good call on the two weeks, pal! # I don't want somebody to love me... What was that all about? What was that all about? Congratulations. You and Big Boobs McGee are gonna be happy. Don't call her that. You wanna tell your kids you met her while she was a waitress at Hooters? You wanna tell your kids you met her while she was a waitress at Hooters? Five years ago. She's a doctor now, and my fiancee. So from now on, Dr Big Boobs McGee. Congratulations. I just, er, got shit going on. What's the matter? Vanessa's gonna break up with me. I don't know what to do to make her wanna stay. I don't know what to do to make her wanna stay. She's just getting older. She wants a career, stable relationship, a family. That's how they get. I want things to go back to the way they were. Like when we were at Syracuse and Vanessa worshipped you? No one cared if you worked, Tommy and Phil showered separately. Those were the days. What are you doing? If I make this putt, she'll realise she likes me the way I am. If I make this putt, she'll realise she likes me the way I am. You're going to the putt? Remember, the roof breaks to the right. Yes! That's what I'm talk... Good God! Good God! That can't be good. Where's Kevin? He's left. I guess he forgot to say goodbye to you. Why are you here, then? Why are you here, then? I'm cleaning cos you're useless. Then you're off to a Hooters reunion to talk about whose ass hangs out of their shorts the most? At least I can fit my ass into them, fatty. Speaking of fatty, whose is this? Speaking of fatty, whose is this? I don't know. (BUZZER) I'll eat it. "We wasted a good surprise on you." Yeah? The lady gave me $5 to bring him here. What do you mean? What do you mean? Later. Are you selling raffle tickets or something? Oh, boy. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Kevin Gerrity? "I got something to tell you." "I got something to tell you." What's up? There's a kid here. There's a kid here. What kind of kid? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I'm having a tough time reading this, but it says, "Dear Kevin, this is Julian, your son." "I hope you understand why I didn't tell you until now, "I hope you understand why I didn't tell you until now, but he needs your help." "I can't be his mom any more." "I can't be his mom any more." This is ridiculous. Who's this? This is my... friend. Is that Kevin on the phone? No. It's my Uncle... Remus. Hi. What's your name? Is he all right? He doesn't like you. Leave us alone. He doesn't like you. Leave us alone. You're such a dick! Your girlfriend was acting really Hooterific again. Your girlfriend was acting really Hooterific again. Who sent that note? Jan. Jan...? I don't know any Jan. "Where's he from?" "Where's he from?" Where are you from? I've never even been there. Somebody's messing with me. Is this like the time you told me my parents were dead? Is this like the time you told me my parents were dead? I swear to God, he's here. I'm coming home. I don't know how I'll explain it to the partners - I'm coming home. I don't know how I'll explain it to the partners - No, hang on. It says here, "If you won't take responsibility, they've found a foster family..." "If you won't take responsibility, they've found a foster family..." Yes, I know the catfish are huge. Here's a number for a guy at City Social Service Bureau. I'll call him "I better come home." "I better come home." I'll take care of it. "I better come home." I'll take care of it. Sure? I'll be fine. Don't worry. (THUD!) Hooters, Hooters... OK, listen, thanks a lot. Later. I'm gonna make another phone call. You wanna come and sit down? Or you can stand there. Anything you want. I won't be a minute. (RINGS) "Social Service office is closed today. Columbus Day." "We'll be open tomorrow at 8am." Columbus Day. I don't know what to tell you, pal. Everything's gonna get figured out tomorrow. Can you be a tough little guy until then? Great. Do I need to get you a bottle of formula? No. What do you eat? What do you eat? Food. Yeah? I eat food too. What... Come on. Shall I hold your hand? What I like to do on Mondays is to go to Central Park, watch the rollerbladers fall down. Into that? Watch. This guy's hummin'. Whoa. He's goin' down, he's goin' down. How old are you anyways? Five. Five? Do you wear a diaper? Do you wear a diaper? No. You wipe your own ass, then? You wipe your own ass, then? Yes. You do? Good job. Cool. Come on, fall down. Fall down. Yes! Oh, come on, dammit. You suck! Check this out. Aaah! My God, there's a stick there. Somebody should move it. This Columbo, he pretends to be stupid. But he's really smart as a tack. Yeah. I wipe my own ass. Me, too. So Mr Ass-Wiper, er, what's this guy's name? Scuba Steve. Does he ever take his flippers off? Does he ever take his flippers off? No. How about if he goes bowling? They let him wear the flippers? How about if he goes bowling? They let him wear the flippers? Yes. I had a doll like that one time. But my cat, he bite his head off. What kind of cat'd do that? What kind of cat'd do that? Calling me liar? it's Monday night football. The Jets are playing. We're going to the Blarney Stone. Wanna come? I've got more deliveries on the bike. Maybe you can also finish the turkey on your lip, right there. (LAUGHS) 'Yeah, let's crank up the Styx.' No music during the game. It's half-time. Relax, Mr Hurley. God damn Jets! What are you doing in here, cutie? What are you doing in here, cutie? Watching football. Who do you wanna win? Who do you wanna win? The goddamn Jets. (LAUGHS) Have fun. Too bad you don't like girls. I think you could've had her. I'm thirsty. Whaddya want? Are you allowed soda? Whaddya want? Are you allowed soda? I don't know. My mom always said it rots your teeth, but you lose them anyway, so rot on. Two root beers. When I graduated law school, we'd meet here every Monday night to watch football. Who'd meet you? Who'd meet you? My friends. Vanessa. Vanessa always used to root against my team just to bust my chops. But everyone's so busy with their crap lately, no one ever comes. But everyone's so busy with their crap lately, no one ever comes. Like I'm not busy? Shut up or I'll smack you, like last Monday. Last Monday was a fluke. Bring it on, woman. (LAUGHS) Any time. He drinks a lot of soda. Vanessa, she's the one. I can't lose her. I'm not getting any handsomer. Every day I get a bit older and balder and fatter. Fatter? When I was your age I could eat anything I wanted. Now I have a chocolate shake, my ass jiggles for a week. Enjoy the metabolism while you got it. Enjoy the metabolism while you got it. Metalobism? Good God, it's 2.30 in the morning. You must be wrecked. Anyways, I had fun today. Did you have fun? Yeah, you're all right. Have a good one. Sonny? Yes. Could I have a night-light? Could I have a night-light? I think I can help you out. Hang on. Shee. There you go, all right? Sonny? Are you my dad? Are you my dad? Oh, er, no, I'm not. That whole dad and mom thing we'll figure out in the morning, OK? You just go to sleep. Goodnight. * Go get the can, OK? Go, go, go! I'm thinking about keeping the kid. Remember that time we went to the pet store to get fish food and you saw that cute puppy and wanted to get it, then I reminded you about feeding and cleaning it? This is kind of like that, except with a human. I'm glad you had fun an' all, but this is big. I gotta do something big. Vanessa will respect that. You're thinking that since sometimes women get pregnant to try to fix a relationship, why can't a guy adopt a kid to do the same thing? a relationship, why can't a guy adopt a kid to do the same thing? I didn't think of that, but yeah. Sounds nuts to me. Do yourself a favour, sleep on it. You're right. Can I borrow your cellphone? Thank you. (RINGS) Hello? Arthur Brooks speaking. How you doin'? Kevin Gerrity here. How you doin'? Kevin Gerrity here. "Right on." We were expecting your call. We were expecting your call. You still got a foster family lined up? Yes. Cancel 'em. I've decided to take care of him. Way to sleep on it. Way to sleep on it. You wanna get married, I support that. Leave me alone. When natural parents take the responsibility, there's no bigger high for us. So I guess that's it? So I guess that's it? Yep. Good luck to you and your son. Ohh! Goddamn stick! That's my boy. Hey. Hey. Hi. Go back to sleep, all right? I'm going back to sleep. Nighty-night. I wet my bed. Ohh. # "Sweat Dreams (Are Made Of This)" - Eurythmics Oh, God! That's a shitload of piss. OK. There you go, all right? No more wetness. Sleep, all right? Just try to sleep. Stay asleep. (PAPER RUSTLES) (CONTINUES RUSTLING) No. Sit still! Lay! OK, I'm up! It smells like urine in this joint. Good job. What are you doing there? Making my cereal. Oh, yeah? Why don't you pour me a bowl? Don't pour me a bowl. Either way. (SOBS) I got it, I got it. Hey, hey, hey. We can fix this. Hey, it's not a big deal. Look, see? See how quick it goes away? Cry baby, come on. Don't worry about it, boy. Ow! Scuba Steve, damn you! You like that? You think that's funny, me getting hurt? Ah-ha. There's a bright side to being up before 11. We can catch McDonald's breakfast. I haven't been up in time for that in 10 years. Wanna do that? Tie your shoes, we'll go. Hurry, though. It's, like, 12 blocks from here, so tie quickly. Do you need help? Do you need help? I can do it. Let me do it. All right, you loop it, you swoop it, and you pull. Loop it, you swoop it, you pull. Good. Let's go. We're in a hurry. It's different for your generation. You've always had the breakfast available to you. When I was born, all we had were the burgers and fries. Maybe the fish sandwich, I'm not sure. What are you doing? The hand-holding thing. I remember my dad took us there the first morning they had breakfast. Everybody was baffled. They were like, are these sausages - Everybody was baffled. They were like, are these sausages - I have to go to the bathroom. We'll be there in a minute. We'll be there in a minute. I gotta go now. Didn't you pee enough in bed already? We only got nine minutes to get there. But I gotta go to the bathroom. All right, let's go. Can my kid use the bathroom? Can my kid use the bathroom? Customers only. He's just a kid. We'll be in and out. He's just a kid. We'll be in and out. It's not my problem. It's not your problem? All right. Come on. There you are. Your waiter will be right with you. I can't do it. What do you mean? You said you gotta go. I'm scared. Could you do it, too? All right. Here we go. And... we're off. That's not too difficult, right? And we're both losing weight. Good job. OK, we're gonna miss breakfast. Let's go. Put it away. Yeah. Hey, thanks anyway. Sure thing. Any time. Move your ass there, people. We've only got five minutes. Now four. Come on, we're almost there. Hey, why are you sitting on the ground? This is where I live. This is where I live. We gotta get going. In retrospect, I made some bad choices after school. We gotta get going. We gotta get going. Why? We gotta get going. Why? This was during the "disco" era. For me it was more the "doing mushrooms" era. We'll miss breakfast. We'll miss breakfast. Why? Never thought about that. Never thought about that. I was never Mr Popularity in school, and I watched "Fantasia" a lot. One day it just clicked. Stop talking, I'll get you an Egg McMuffin. Stop talking, I'll get you an Egg McMuffin. A Sausage McMuffin? You got a deal. Look, look, he fell asleep, he fell asleep. Let's go. Sausage McMuffin. How you doin'? How you doin'? Hi. What can I get you? What do you want? What do you want? Cheerios. What do you want? Cheerios. What else? Lasagne. Lasagne. What's up with you? We'll take hotcakes... Sorry, we stopped serving breakfast. Sorry, we stopped serving breakfast. We're four seconds late. 30 minutes and 4 seconds. We stop serving at 10.30. 30 minutes and 4 seconds. We stop serving at 10.30. Ah, horse shit! (SOBS) No, don't cry. I'm sorry. I was cursing at the lady. Nice parenting(!) Nice parenting(!) Are you my therapist? Take a walk! Want a Happy Meal? Can we get a Happy Meal? Will someone get him a Happy Meal?! W-Where's my Egg McMuffin? Breakfast is over at 10.30. Really? I thought it was 11. Really? I thought it was 11. I thought that too. Total mind blow. (SOBS) Will you just relax?! What would cheer you up? You'll meet Vanessa tonight? You'll like her. Wanna see me get hurt? That cheer you up? Wanna see me get hurt? That cheer you up? Yeah. All right. (CAR HORN) Ooh! (GIGGLES) You liked that, huh? You think that's funny? Good. No more crying. Good. No more crying. Are you OK? # But only love can break your heart # Try to be sure right from the start # Yes, only love... # Plans for the holidays? I'm starting my kitchen renovation. With a Gem personal loan you could get someone to do up your kitchen. And with our 'pay it faster' option you could save up to $1,000 in interest just by paying an extra $50 a month. You can do better with Gem, powered by Latitude. Ask today. * Let's do it, Rangers. (COMMENTARY) Come on. How you doin'? How you doin'? How you doin'? Do you like hockey? Do you like hockey? Like hockey? This is an important game. This is an important game. This is an important game. Cut the crap. Cut the crap. Cut the crap. I'm being serious. How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? if a wood chuck could chuck wood? That's what I thought. Shut up. Don't you take naps? Don't you take naps? Sometimes. Why don't you go take one? Why don't you go take one? I'm too hungry to sleep. You want some food? (Havin' a kid is great, as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.) (COMMENTARY) (RUSTLES) (LOUD CRUNCHING) "Penalty shot!" "Penalty shot!" Ahh! How you doin' there? You sleepwalkin'? Why don't you go back sleepy? Keep napping. What's this? "Kangaroo Song". "Kangaroo Song". Terrific. We're gonna watch this after the game. After my nap I always watch the "Kangaroo Song". It's overtime. A penalty shot's about to take place. This happens... "Kangaroo Song"! "Kangaroo Song!" "Kangaroo Song"! "Kangaroo Song"! ALRIIIIIGHT!! God, you were normal yesterday! I can't take this shit. Are you serious? I can't take this shit. Are you serious? # Come and play... # Whaddya say? # (Douche bag kangaroo.) (Douche bag kangaroo.) # I go hop, hop... What happened there? You're all hopped out? I don't know how to deal with this. Vanessa will. If she's not back we'll wait for her. Jeez! Get your coat. Oh, God, you don't have to pee, do you? No. You swear? You swear? I swear. How come you're not going? How come you're not going? Cos I don't have to go. Only you and my grandfather go every 30 seconds. Hurry up. I'm keeping you company. Hi. What's your name? He'll write it on the wall. Mind your business. Let's go, let's go, let's go. When am I gonna meet this lady? When am I gonna meet this lady? Now it is your problem, OK? There's that lady I was telling you about. She's gonna be a big part of your life. She's gonna be a big part of your life. I'm scared. What if she's not nice? See these here? These are magic sunglasses, OK? If you're afraid, you put 'em on, they make you invisible. you put 'em on, they make you invisible. Really? Nobody can see me? Put 'em on. Julian?! Julian?! Hello, Julian! Hey, I'm right here. Hey, I'm right here. The glasses, I couldn't see ya. Keep those on and no one can notice you until you decide they can. Keep those on and no one can notice you until you decide they can. OK. Julian? Julian? Julian? Julian? I'm still right here. All right. The glasses. (DOORBELL) Hey. Hi. Welcome back. Welcome back. Who's that? May I come in? May I come in? Sure. Hey, any invisible people out here, feel free to come in, OK? Um, Sonny, I don't know what's going on, but let's talk. You said I'd got some thinking to do, so I did it. I don't have a job but I wanna move on to the next level. Instead of saying that to you, let me show you. Instead of saying that to you, let me show you. I just want you to know... Look, he took his sunglasses off. He wants you to see him. That means he likes you. Julian, come here. Come here, pal. Vanessa, I want you to meet Julian, my son. Our son. I adopted him. (LAUGHS) I don't know what to say. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to say anything. (CLATTER) Er... (LAUGHS) Is somebody in the bathroom? Is somebody in the bathroom? No. Why is the door shut? Why is the door shut? I don't know. I don't know. Sonny... I can't believe this. Hey, open up! Sonny... (THUD!) Hello! Open the door! Sonny! Is everything OK? Oh, my God. Man, I'm sorry. I was freaking out there. I'm Sonny. Sid. I had an attack of paranoia. Thought you were sleeping with my girl. I had an attack of paranoia. Thought you were sleeping with my girl. I am. What's that? I am. I was trying to tell you. I've found someone. This old guy? This old guy? Sid. He's achieved so much, yet he's still goal-orientated and focused. He has a 5-year plan. What is it? Don't die? I can't believe it. We have a family now. I thought this is what you wanted. I thought this is what you wanted. You surprising me with a kid you adopted is not what I said I wanted. You wanted me to be more responsible. I can't raise him alone. You remind me of my grandson. You don't think things through. You remind me of my grandson. You don't think things through. Hey, zip it or I'll break your hip! (I'd like to see you try.) (I'd like to see you try.) Ssh. How could you misconstrue the situation so badly? I don't know. Come on. Deep down you knew this day would come. You just made the biggest mistake of your life. I know you're gonna be missin' me when you got that big, white, wrinkly body on top of you with his loose skin and old paws. Gross. Euch! (DOOR SHUTS) Excuse me. How are you doin'? I'm Kevin Gerrity. I got an emergency problem with this kid. Is Arthur Brooks around? I got an emergency problem with this kid. Is Arthur Brooks around? I'll go get him for you. Sit over there. Stay where I can see you. Sit over there. Stay where I can see you. Mr Gerrity? Hi. Arthur Brooks. I need to speak with you. I need to speak with you. I didn't tell you to come down to the office, did I? I was gonna send you the final paperwork. It's like the opposite of that. I can't manage this kid. I ain't a good dad. I made a mistake. Mistake? Mistake? I had a mother lined up for him, but she's banging this guy, and the kid won't stop peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel. I think he'd be better off with his natural mother. I think he'd be better off with his natural mother. Well, she passed away last night. She had cancer. She must've sensed her time was running short and she wanted her son to be with the natural father. It makes sense. If you don't wanna look after him, we'll take him. But he'll have to chill for a while in a group home. But he'll have to chill for a while in a group home. An orphanage? We don't call 'em that any more. We don't call 'em that any more. Hey, hey! Look, I did it. Loop, swoop and pull. You did do it. Congratulations. I showed him that. Why don't you go back over there, OK? I'll put in the call to the head... I'll put in the call to the head... Why don't, temporarily, I hang on to him until you find a new family? until you find a new family? I gotta watch out for the best interests of the kid. You said you were a bogus dad. He's better off with me than in an orphanage. He's better off with me than in an orphanage. I don't wanna put him in a home. Let's pretend you didn't even come in here today. I'll give you shout when I line up a family. I'll give you shout when I line up a family. OK. Don't make me regret this. * Where are we going now? I gotta make a phone call. Just stay right here, all right? (PHONE RINGS) Hello. "This is a collect call from... Your baby boy!" "If you accept charges, say yes." "If you accept charges, say yes." I accept. How's it going? How's Florida? Not bad. Mom got burnt playing tennis yesterday. I got some interesting news. I got some interesting news. "Yeah? What?" What are you on about? What are you on about? You being a grandfather. Congratulations. Who the hell would give you a kid? Who the hell would give you a kid? Social Services. Idiot. You better give him back. His mother's... Hang on. Go play with them pigeons, buddy. I tried to give him back. I just can't, Dad. Look, I need your help. "I'm in a bad way. Vanessa dumped me. I don't know what I'm doing." "I'm in a bad way. Vanessa dumped me. I don't know what I'm doing." You're right about that! The kid is always around. He never leaves me alone. You'd think he'd want privacy, but he doesn't. Give him back before you ruin both your lives. Give him back before you ruin both your lives. I appreciate that. He'd be better off living in a bin! He'd be better off living in a bin! I'll be a better dad than you! Impossible! You only care about yourself! Impossible! You only care about yourself! I care about you saving money on this call! Let's eat. The Vanessa thing did not work out. She lost her mind. That wasn't your fault though, OK? That wasn't your fault though, OK? OK. I know when you first got here you thought you'd meet your dad, but I don't think that'll happen. Why? I don't know why. But real dads aren't always that great. Mine's out of his mind. He always tells me what to do. He never lets me figure stuff out. A lot of dads are like that. That's why so many people grow up nuts. Look at this guy. He was probably a nice boy, then his dad messed his mind up. Who won the Jets game? Who won the Jets game? Who cares? Let go. He can't control you any more. Let go. He can't control you any more. Whaddya mean? You know. You know. Loser. You're mad at your dad, not at me. I forgive you! You're mad at your dad, not at me. I forgive you! (SOBS) Yeah, I am. I hate my father. I don't want it to be like that. I don't wanna control you. You even like your name? You even like your name? I guess. Shouldn't you like your own name? You should pick it. It's your name the rest of your life. Whaddya want it to be? It's your name the rest of your life. Whaddya want it to be? Frankenstein. I can deal with that. I'll call you Frankenstein. Are you gonna play in the puddle? Puddle it up. Do whatever you want. I'll show you some cool shit along the way. That's what it's all about. Stay in front of it. Don't be scared. Here we go. OK, all right, you gotta pick your head up. Don't do that. This OK? That's what you wanna wear? That's OK with me then. Good luck walking down the street. Now stay with it. You're the next Willie Randolph. # When I grow up # I'll be stable # When I grow up... Chief Strongbow used to do a sleeper hold. Put your arm here. You lift this arm up. Kind of lock wrists. Lock wrists. Let me show you. Watch. Throw him into the ropes, then he comes back. Oh, get him, lock him up. OK, bring him down slow. (CHOKING NOISE) Apply pressure. He's going to sleep. See, he's out. Nazzo. Nazzo? Wake up. You'll be the only kid your age with a slingshot. Go have some fun. Go shoot a few beer cans. (LAUGHS) You like that? Sonny, come here! Sonny, come here! What is it? What's the matter? Let me have that. Go to your room. Or do whatever you want. It's gonna be fun. Are you nervous? No? You're excited, aren't you? Let's go. Up, up, up. OK. (RINGS BELL) Here comes some candy. Hey, how are you doin'? Happy Halloween. We got a first-timer out here. Do the right thing, buddy. We want some candy. Hang on right here for a second. Don't move. Hey, you! Hey, you! What?! (MUFFLED ARGUING) Yeah, that's it. Yeah, CD's. Do you like that? He's not happy. What else have you got? OK, yeah, that's good. Trick or treat. Say "Happy Halloween." Say "Happy Halloween." Happy Halloween. Next year be prepared, moron. What's with the kid wearing a cummerbund? I let him wear whatever he wants. The boots are the best. Whose are they? I think they're Kevin's. A hot dog with mustard and knish. Frankenstein, whaddya want? Frankenstein, whaddya want? 30 packets of ketchup. (WHACK!) Ow! Nice cut. Do that thing I taught you the other day. (HAWKS) (BOTH LAUGH) It took him 20 minutes to learn that. He's smart. (BOTH LAUGH) It took him 20 minutes to learn that. He's smart. And he loves ketchup. This is like a new school of child raising. You give the kid options instead of orders. You're a pioneer. You're a pioneer. You chill out together all day? Went to the park yesterday, got on the monkey bars. He did 8 chin-ups. I can't even do one with these scrawny arms. I can't even do one with these scrawny arms. They're not. They're nice. So, what do you wanna do tomorrow? I wanna go to school. I wanna go to school. I don't force him, he makes the right decision. We'll enrol on Monday, let's enjoy the weekend. Do the thing again. We'll enrol on Monday, let's enjoy the weekend. Do the thing again. (HAWKS) That one touched the ground. That was awesome! Help me! Help me! Hey, hey. Ssh. Hey, hey. Ssh. Please help me. I don't know where I live. I don't know where I live. It isn't a big problem. We'll find your parents. What's your name? Frankenstein. Frankenstein, OK? Frankenstein, OK? There you are. There you are. Are you OK? I turn round for one second and he's gone. Don't ever do that to me again Thank you for being sweet to my little boy. You're welcome, Sonny. You're welcome, Sonny. Sonny? My sister Corinne's engaged to your roommate. My sister Corinne's engaged to your roommate. Your sister's Corinne? That sucks. I'm up from DC. I was at the party. The one where we wasted the good surprise on you. The one where we wasted the good surprise on you. Sorry. So, what, you have a son now? No. It's temporary until Social Services can get him another family. You'll have to find a new way to initiate conversations with girls in the park. with girls in the park. Yeah, that's correct. (URINATES) Hey! Hey! Good job! He's peeing on his own. Keep it flowin'! That's it! Go! Go! So, does Corinne's sister have a name? It's Layla. Layla. I like your song. Could you do me a favour? Hang out with me tonight? He'll think he's a failure cos he couldn't get me a date. He'll think he's a failure cos he couldn't get me a date. I really can't. I just have a ton of work to do. I see. Hang on a second. Come here. Layla, if you don't come over to Sonny's apartment tonight, there's a good chance I'll develop a stutter. P-P-Please don't do this to me. That is so cheap. That is so cheap. Why? # Don't know why I'm surviving every lonely day... So I'm working in a tollbooth now. I wanted to be a male model, but it turns out I'm not good looking, so that didn't work out. Sorry to hear that. Sorry to hear that. I'm recovering. This is my favourite part of the song. (TURNS UP VOLUME) # If I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby Better keep it down or the kid's gonna wake up. Better keep it down or the kid's gonna wake up. Sonny! Too late. OK. Just hang out. I'll be right back. Don't sneak out. What are you doin'? What are you doin'? You forgot to say goodnight. I did? I can't go to sleep until you do. I didn't know that. Sorry. 'Night. Go to sleep now. What did we learn about girls today? Initiating the conversation is half the battle. Bingo. Now sleep, OK? (MIMICS SNORING) I gave him Nyquil. He should be out for the night. This is "Styx". They've been my favourite band since I was 12. You're kidding me? You're kidding me? No. I just love 'em. My friends make fun of me all the time. So do mine. I've seen 'em 25 times. Tommy Shaw, when I was 16, reached out and grabbed my hand, pulled me on stage. I got to do the robot voice for "Mr Roboto". Really? Nah. I made that up. Sorry. That would've been cool. My cousin's a friend of the drummer. When they come to town we go out, they tell us stories from the road. Really? Really? Nah. I made that up again, too. Sorry. You're not attracted to 60-year-old guys, are you? No. Yeah. I don't like them, either. (MUSIC OFF) I can't sleep. OK. He can't sleep. So, the rabbit ran across the street because he thought he saw some carrots. But when he got across the street, it turned out they weren't carrots, they were peanuts. Peanuts? Yeah. The peanuts belonged to a squirrel who had taken them home from the baseball game. Then the rabbit thought to himself, what's the difference? So he asked the squirrel if he could have some. The squirrel said, "Of course." The squirrel said, "Of course." The rabbit was very happy to make such a nice new friend. (LAUGHS) And so was the squirrel. The rabbit thought the squirrel had very pretty hair. And nice eyes also. And the squirrel thought the rabbit was really nice, too. Then the rabbit worked up his courage and asked the squirrel if he could have just the littlest squirrel kiss. The squirrel thought it's just not the right time in her busy life to be kissing any rabbits, even though this particular rabbit was very sweet. The rabbit got shot down, did he? That's all right, but he was still thinking, maybe, Scuba Steve could get a squirrel kiss, just so somebody gets some action around here. Mwah. Goodnight, Scuba Steve. (Goodnight, Frankenstein.) Goodnight, Sonny. Goodnight, Layla. Don't get caught with any girls. It's your first day. Take it slow. Meet you after school. 2.30, out front. You're not staying? You're not staying? Nah. I gotta get some more ketchup. I don't like these kids. I don't like these kids. I don't either, but don't you think we should give 'em a chance? No? How's this? (SCHOOL BELL) OK, come on in. Here are the magic sunglasses. Put them on if you feel scared, OK? Uh-oh, I lost ya. I don't know where you are. Sorry. Julian?! Yo! Oh, there you go. Come on, go inside and make some friends. Oh, there's a good hug. Go, go, go inside. I'm gonna miss you. Hi. I like your hat. * (PHONE RINGS / ANSWER MACHINE) "(LOUD MUSIC PLAYS) Might as well leave a message." "Mr Gerrity, this is Arthur Brooks from Social Services." "I got good news. I think we may have found a family for Julian." "Call me back as soon as possible so we can set up a meeting. 'Bye." (TAPE REWINDS) (PHONE RINGS) Sierra Club Legal Dept. Can I speak to Layla Maloney? Can I speak to Layla Maloney? Layla, line four. Hello. You're a lawyer? You're a lawyer? What are you doing? Waiting for Julian to get out of school. What are you doing? I'm swamped. I even gotta do my laundry on my lunch hour. I'm swamped. I even gotta do my laundry on my lunch hour. I was gonna do mine today, too. Where you goin'? Where you goin'? There's a place nearby. Suds. I know it. Maybe I'll see you there. Maybe. I gotta go. I got the tickets. The show was the night before. I got the tickets. The show was the night before. Mistake? I got the tickets. I don't think you know what's going down on the streets. It's hard to know when you're in an office 7 days a week, Mr Tollbooth. You're not gonna tell me to get a real job? Nah. You're a big boy. It's cool you only work one day a week. Oh, my God! These are the cutest things I've ever seen. I have 'em in yellow also. I wear 'em when I work out. I have 'em in yellow also. I wear 'em when I work out. It's great what you're doing with Julian while you got him. While I got him. While I got him. An article I read said the most important influences in a kid's life are his friends. the most important influences in a kid's life are his friends. Really? They said that? You better hope he's not hanging out with all those delinquents in school Sonny, I'm kidding. Sonny, I'm kidding. I know, I know. Man, this is good. You know what else is good? Smokin' dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffin' the cheeba. Go by the seesaw, smoke a J. Know what I'm talkin' about? Go by the seesaw, smoke a J. Know what I'm talkin' about? I have a belly button. You have a belly button? We all have one. And we all love Yoohoo, especially with rum. What's rum? What's rum? You don't know? What's rum? You don't know? Rumpelstiltskin? Rumpelstiltskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. Frankenstein, have fun with your friends. Why are you scratching so much? I have eggsma... Eggs... I have eggsma... Eggs... Eczema? Gross! How do I make it stop itching? How do I make it stop itching? I don't know. You scratch it. Spaghetti-O's. You like them? Yeah? Dented cans are half-price. Miscrosoft went down three points. We gotta save some money. (BOING!) Here, give it a shot. That's it, boy. Put it in there. Feels good, huh? Hi, Sonny. Hi, Sonny's friend. His name's Frankenstein. His name's Frankenstein. Hi. Remember me? Help me, I'm lost. I don't know where I am. Help me, I'm lost. I don't know where I am. You don't gotta do that any more. You wear the same size T-shirt. Cool. I hear you were doing laundry with my sister. I hear you were doing laundry with my sister. Did she say that? Where I come from it's called "doing the hibbedy-dibbedy". Ow! Where I come from it's called "doing the hibbedy-dibbedy". Ow! I got eggsma. Oh. You shouldn't scratch it. He can scratch if he wants to scratch. That better? Thank you. I didn't know you knew about kids. You're a foot doctor. I didn't know you knew about kids. You're a foot doctor. It's commonsense. Scratching spreads rashes. So this is something you learnt at Hooters? So this is something you learnt at Hooters? Hm-mm. What the hell is he doing? What the hell is he doing? Shopping. Microsoft went down three points. That's real good. See you later. Stay away from the frozen food section. Your boobs'll harden. (SINGS "O SOLE MIO") Isn't Little Italy the greatest? I like it. Everyone tells me to hang out in the Village and SoHo. That's all right. But you gotta respect a place where the fatter you are, the cooler you are. Last time I was here, he was with a different girl. I guess he ate her. Hey, I went to Coney Island today with the little boy. Take a look at this. We had a blast together. (LAUGHS) He's so happy. He's such a good boy. If I have a kid of my own someday, I hope he's half as cool as him. I hope he's half as cool as him. Is he picking your nose? He was picking his own all day, so I figured he could borrow mine. He must be miserable without you. He must be miserable without you. Nah. He's in good hands. Ooh, look at Brad's body. Not an ounce of fat on it. What? Don't worry, I like yours better. I got two queens, two jacks and an ace. I win! I win! Why? I got a two, a four, a ten, an eight and a six. But why do you win? Because I win. Because I win. What's the name of that game? I'll get it. What's up? Hi. I'm looking for Kevin Gerrity. He's in China. Who are you? Arthur Brooks, New York City Social Services. I'm confused. Arthur Brooks, New York City Social Services. I'm confused. Chinatown. Loves those egg rolls. I've tried contacting him several times. He hasn't responded. I'm concerned. I'm concerned. Hey! Xnay on the ketchupnay. Have him call me. My body's definitely better than his. Without question. It took you a long time to pencil me in. You work all the time. It took you a long time to pencil me in. You work all the time. I know. I'm really excited. How long have you been this crazy? How long have you been this crazy? I guess ever since I was a little girl. See, my mom got married really young and pretty much raised us kids. So when my dad took off, she wasn't left with a lot of options. I think that's when I decided I never wanted to end up in that situation. That's a good reason to be working. I feel like I gotta kick ass while there's ass to be kicked. You kick that ass during the day, but at night you have fun with me. # The best of times # Are when I'm alone with you # Some rain, some shine # Will make this a world... (SLURPS) # Tonight's the night... Two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love? Is that strange for you? No. Nothing changed. They watch a different kind of porno now, but that's it. (CAR HORN) Hello? My God, this is Corinne's place? If the girls at Hooters could see her now. Do you want your ass kicked? Do you want your ass kicked? I'm just kiddin' around, Layla. So, um, I know you're afraid to get involved and I know you've got a lot of work, but when I'm not with you, I'm thinking about you. Do you have that goin' on at all? Maybe. Maybe we should try a kiss out? We owe it to ourselves to see if we should move to the next level, see if sparks fly. to see if we should move to the next level, see if sparks fly. I'm not sure. Nor am I. But you kissed Scuba Steve. Ever since he's been braggin', "I got a kiss the first night, you've been with her 3 times, you got nothin'." Oh, he said that? Let's give it a shot, just so I can have some dignity at home. All right? OK. Oh, my God! Gross! Did I just witness the first kiss? Yeah. Thanks a lot for showing up. Layla, you didn't actually enjoy that, did you? I don't know. I'm goin' upstairs. Wash your mouth out. He's dirty. And he's poor. What have you got in the bag? Some chicken wings? Booby tassels? Shut up. Have a good sleep tonight, Corinne. Pleasant Hooters. Come on, come on. This is where we hang our jackets. This is my hook. That's a capetillar. A caterpillar? A caterpillar? That's right. A capetillar. Hey, stayin' clean, pal? Hey, stayin' clean, pal? Yes. You drink the booze, you lose. Remember that. Hi. I'm Julian's teacher, Miss Foote. You his father? Yeah. I'm Kevin Gerrity. Could we go over a couple of things that have been bothering me? Could we go over a couple of things that have been bothering me? Sure. Go take a walk, pal. He has been displaying some odd behaviour. Last week he spilled a tube of glue on the floor and didn't tell anyone. He covered it with newspaper. Then one of our students wore rollerblades for Show 'n Tell. Julian tripped him with a stick. I've never... Julian found it hilarious. I like him to feel he can express himself freely. I've never seen any problems with that. I've never seen any problems with that. (URINATES) Euch! Your boy's making the least progress of anyone in the class. His personal hygiene is now a cause for concern. His personal hygiene is now a cause for concern. He's the smelly kid in class? I let him become the smelly kid? What's up with me? I let him become the smelly kid? What's up with me? I've had some smelly ones before, but he is by far the smelliest. but he is by far the smelliest. I got you. Take it easy. What can I do? Pay more attention to his work. We're giving a presentation of the Founding Fathers in 2 weeks. He has drawn the part of Benjamin Franklin, an important role. Do all you can to help him. Do all you can to help him. I will turn this all around, I promise. Thank you very much. Hey, stinky, let's get going. You got us in trouble. "(GUNFIRE)" Wow, I didn't know this about George Washington. Wow, I didn't know this about George Washington. His teeth were made of wool. Wood. Oh. Sorry. I mix up "D" and "L". Oh. Sorry. I mix up "D" and "L". Get it right. "(GUNFIRE)" Why don't you turn that off? Why don't you turn that off? I got four guys left. I don't wanna study. I don't wanna study. Give me that! So what? Relax. You'll play later. So what? Relax. You'll play later. You can't tell me what to do. Really? How about we take a vote? Who thinks he should start studying? Who doesn't? Well, you just lost, two to one. It's a tie. That guy doesn't count. He can't even read. It's a tie. That guy doesn't count. He can't even read. I know, I know. He was joking around. Can you hang out here? I gotta go do something. No problem. # ("KANGAROO SONG" PLAYS) # With a hop, hop, hop, whaddya say? (BUZZER) Get the door. Hi, Julian. How you doin'? I'm Scuba Sam, Scuba Steve's father. You see, my boy needs to take a bath. The only problem is he's afraid to bathe alone. So I was wondering if maybe you could keep him company in the tub? Terrific! And after the bath, you have to try and study hard. Cos if you wanna be a member of the Scuba Squad, you have to be smart. I could be in the Scuba Squad? Oh, sure. All you have to do is work hard. And don't tell a soul about the Scuba Squad, cos then everyone's gonna wanna join And one more thing. Be nice to the delivery guy, would ya? It's not his fault he can't read! Take care. He told me to watch his boat for him. Said he wanted to talk to you about a secret mission? I have no idea what you're talking about. OK. How come I have to wear a bathing suit? I don't know the rules with little kids and grown-ups and being naked, and just siddown. The good news is you don't smell like a foot any more. I read an interesting book. Franklin invented bifocals. That's cool. What are they? What are they? I'll show you the book. It may help you with your play. OK. We'll make this a regular thing, bathing, studying, eating right. Put your head back. This is what my grandma used to do to me. "Oh, boy, when I was little, frankfurters only cost a nickel." "Oh, boy, when I was little, frankfurters only cost a nickel." Can you still have fun? Yeah, but after you study. We gotta get you dressing differently. We'll go to Barney's. We'll go to Barney's. Barney? Not that Barney. A more expensive one. # If I had my time again # I would do it all the same # I'd not change a single thing... One at a time. That's it. One, two... (CAR HORNS) See, urinals are good, too. # Through the laughter and the tears # Situation no win... "Electricity." Very good. "Constitution." "Constitution." That's it. "Philadelphia." Smart. Good. "Fish." Yeah. "Pony." Yes. "Hip..." "Hippop..." "Hippopanonymous." Damn you! You gave him the easy ones! Thanks! Thanks! You're welcome. Slow down! Slow down! You owe me a Sausage McMuffin. Aaaaah! Whoa! There's a pole there. There's a pole there. (MUMBLES INAUDIBLY) You can do better. Just saying. Excuse me? You're preapproved for a secure Gem car loan and you're still winding the windows down by hand. You won't miss out when you find the car you want, with approval before you buy and a rate from 9.99% fixed per annum. You can do better too. I ride a bike. You can do better with Gem, powered by Latitude. Apply today. * My name is Alexander Hamilton. I was the first Secretary of the Treasury. I owned the bank and a newspaper. Aaron Bird shot me. (GENERAL LAUGHTER) Hi. My name is Benjamin Franklin. I was a writer, a diplomat, an inventor and a statesman. Although I only went to school for two years. (LAUGHTER) I wrote many books and invented many things we still use today. (GENERAL APPLAUSE) The Declaration of Independence is finished. Who will be the first to sign? Who will be the first to sign? How about you, John Hancock? (ALL) I want to sign! Look at my man stand strong. Look at my man stand strong. He's so cute. What are your cards? I got a six, a five, a jack, a four and an eight. I win. I had a hand just like that before. I didn't win. Because I win. Because I win. This is bullshit! Always it's different cards. Always it's different cards. (BUZZER) Relax. He's a kid. There should be same set of rules for everyone. He's gotta learn how to lose. Hello, Mr Koufax. Hello, Mr Koufax. How you doin'? I was gonna give you a buzz. You just called me Mr Koufax, though, didn't you? It is your name. You fraudulently told us you were Kevin Gerrity to gain custody of Julian. Big problem in this state. I've delivered to you before. You always order 3 pieces of cheesecake. The real Kevin called me up. He asked me to take care - The real Kevin called me up. He asked me to take care - Save it. He has to come with me or I'll have you arrested. with me or I'll have you arrested. Take out the handcuffs. I don't have any, but two policemen downstairs do. I don't have any, but two policemen downstairs do. I would like to help, but my status in your country is not what you'd called legal. It's OK. Julian, you're gonna have to come with me. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Sonny? One second, pal. Please give me a second to say goodbye to the kid. Take a second. You don't want me here any more? That's not it, pal. You just gotta go away for a little while. How long am I going away for? I don't wanna lie to ya. I don't think we're gonna be seeing each other any more. I screwed up, pal. I'm so sorry. Come here. Put your coat on. It's not your fault, OK? I'm the idiot. I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go! I know, but you have to. You're gonna be OK. Please don't make me go. I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to do. I won't play the "Kangaroo Song" any more. I won't play the "Kangaroo Song" any more. Come on. Just go. You gotta go, you gotta go. I don't wanna go! I promise! I'm sorry. I don't even like that song any more! I know, pal. That's not it. But I wipe my own ass. I wipe my own ass! I know. (SNIFFS) Layla, they took the kid. Who? Social Services. I must get him back. You said it was just temporary. You said it was just temporary. I can't have it be temporary. It must be permanent. OK, what can we do? I filed a brief to get custody based on the child's best interests. The hearing's Tuesday. You must be there. The hearing's Tuesday. You must be there. This Tuesday? You got work? You got work? In Washington. The hearing to dismiss my case. Can you get someone else to do it? Can you get someone else to do it? Sorry, I can't. It's my case. And Julian's case? We don't know where he'll end up. And Julian's case? We don't know where he'll end up. This is why I didn't wanna get involved. I had things going just the way I wanted, then you and this kid come barging into my life and it's screwing up everything I had planned. A kid showed up on my doorstep. Think I planned on that? But I fell in love with him. So now my plans have changed. # He's got a smile and it seems to me # Reminds me of childhood memories # But everything was as fresh as a bright blue sky # Now and then when I see his face # It takes me away to that special place # And if I stayed too long I'd probably break down and cry # Oh-uh-oh, sweet child of mine # Oh-oh-oh-oh, sweet love of mine... # All rise! Morning. We're here to determine proper custody of Julian McGrath, also known as Julian Gerrity, a minor. Representing the City of New York? Representing the City of New York? Ted Castelucci. Representing Sonny Koufax? Phillip D'Amato. Phillip D'Amato. Thomas Grayton. Plus I'll be representing myself. Anyone else? Anyone else? Layla Maloney, Your Honour. Does this mean that you love me? Something like that. First witness. Koufax is a good egg. He was nice to that kid. But he fights like a girl. You like that? I'm right here, miss. What are you gonna do about it? What, are you drunk, Mr Hurley? I had a few Chardonnays. What of it? Get off the stand, please. You got it. I've got a few problems. Off to a good start. Mr Koufax is a cool guy. I wish my dad was as cool as him. You see, my dad was a military man. I wasn't such a "good soldier". When I was 35, he attempted to give me a crewcut while I was sleeping one afternoon. I woke up, broke his arm, haven't seen him since. I'd rather live out on the streets than under his freaky-ass rules. Er, anyway, I think Mr Koufax should be acquitted of all the charges. If OJ can get away with murder, why can't Sonny have his kid? This guy knows what I'm talkin' about. No more questions. No more... I'm 16 kilos down thanks to Jenny Craig. See how it can work for you too. As soon as you, obviously, meet your consultant, there's no issues, so you know you're on the right path. VOICEOVER: Join today with a free 10-week membership plus free food delivery - cost of food additional. Call now. * How long have you been delivering food to Mr Koufax? How long have you been delivering food to Mr Koufax? Six years. Plus, I'm stripper. But I've put on weight so it's a problem. But I've put on weight so it's a problem. And, in your experience, was Sonny a good father to Julian? was Sonny a good father to Julian? Yes. They make a terrific pair. They went together like lamb and tuna fish. Lamb and tuna fish? Maybe like spaghetti and meatball? You prefer that analogy? Maybe like spaghetti and meatball? You prefer that analogy? Yes! Considering we're in America. If you don't like meatballs, get out! I'll give you a crewcut! I'll give you a crewcut! Let's see your clippers! Stop yelling at me!! Aaaargh!! (LAUGHS) Order! Order! Order! Excuse me, am I in the right room? Excuse me, am I in the right room? Who the hell are you? He has enough co-counsels. He has enough co-counsels. Well, one more wouldn't hurt. Get on with it. Next witness. Get on with it. Next witness. He is parading his buddies up there. Can't they find someone who isn't a friend? What were they doing when you saw them? What were they doing when you saw them? Shopping. Did he appear to be an attentive and loving dad? Did he appear to be an attentive and loving dad? He certainly did. How long have you disliked him? How long have you disliked him? Since I met him. For the record, where did you work while at medical school? For the record, where did you work while at medical school? Hooters. No further questions. (Asshole.) Next witness. We'd like to call Julian McGrath. If it's OK with you, I'd like to ask you a few questions. This is just us talking, so don't pay attention to all these people. This is just us talking, so don't pay attention to all these people. Can you tell me how old you are? Your Honour, one second. That's better, huh? Now can you tell me how old you are? Now can you tell me how old you are? Five. And what's your birthday? And what's your birthday? July 15th. Where were you born? Where were you born? Toronto. Toronto? I thought you were from Buffalo? Toronto? I thought you were from Buffalo? I moved to Buffalo with my mommy. For the past six weeks you've been living with Sonny. For the past six weeks you've been living with Sonny. Yes. Did you have fun together? Did you have fun together? Yes. What kind of things did you do? What kind of things did you do? He taught me how to do the sleeper hold, like Chief J Strongbow. That's nice. Anything else? He taught me how to pee on a building. He taught me how to pee on a building. Really? He taught me that Styx was one of the greatest American rock bands. And they only caught a bad rap cos most critics are cynical assholes. (GENERAL LAUGHTER) I think we'd all agree with that. Before you came to Sonny's flat, do you remember what the last thing your mom said to you was? That she loved me and I was gonna live with my new daddy. If she could pick anyone to be your new daddy, who do you think she'd pick? who do you think she'd pick? Sonny. Thank you, Julian. You can step down now. It looks good, don't you think? It looks good, don't you think? The judge doesn't look too happy. Mr Koufax, anyone else? I'd like to call upon myself, Your Honour. Awesome. Which of your esteemed co-counsels will be examining you? My father, Lenny Koufax. What? Forget it, Sonny. What is going on? Nobody thinks I shouldn't have a child more than that man back there. He's also a respected lawyer. So if I can make a believer out of him, I can make a believer out of everyone here Objection. We're after the truth, not the opinion of his father. You want my opinion? My son is a moron. You want my opinion? My son is a moron. I withdraw my objection. Proceed. Mr Koufax. It's a big mistake, Sonny. The only reason I came is to make sure you didn't end up in jail. Then that was nice of you. Then that was nice of you. I'm doin' what I think is right. Once this is over, get your nails cut. They're too long. This case is simple. It is absurd to think Sonny Koufax is ready to raise a child. Objection! Objection! Shut up, Tommy! Objection! Shut up, Tommy! Sorry, Mr Koufax. First of all, how did this sweet little boy, Julian, end up under your supervision? I told Social Services that my name was Kevin Gerrity. And you are not Kevin Gerrity. No. So you lied. Like the time I found pot in your underwear drawer. You told me you thought they were pencil shavings. You told me you thought they were pencil shavings. Yeah. And when I rang you and told you Aunt Fay was coming to NY and I wanted you to show her the city? You said you had better things to do That's right. That's right. Now, I'm curious. What were those better things you had to do? Jethro Tull had a reunion concert in New Jersey, so I caught that. Ah-ha. And what happened to your Aunt Fay that weekend? She died. Yes, she did. By any chance, did you happen to make it to her funeral? No. Why not? Why not? I went to Jones beach, got drunk and fell asleep. Hell, yes! Some role model. Some role model. Yeah. Your Honour, my son doesn't have health insurance, doesn't know how to boil an egg. He filed for social security at the age of 30. He is a drain on the economy, on the country, and most of all on ME!! Your Honour, to give this young man custody over another life is not only wrong, it's insane. Hey, I love you. I love you. What? You don't have to be scared, it's OK. I'm not scared. I'm not scared. If I get custody, I'll be Julian's father forever. That scares you, cos you think there's a good chance I might fail. That scares you, cos you think there's a good chance I might fail. It's more than a chance. It's a certainty. You're wrong. You can be scared I might get pickpocketed in a bad neighbourhood, or I might break my leg skiing, but don't be scared about me being a dad, cos I will not fail. I can't. I love this kid too much. I love him as much as you love me. I'm gonna give him advice and guide him. I'll be there for him. I'll fly to NY to be at his court case, even if I disagree with why he's there in the first place. I disagree with why he's there in the first place. Sonny, you work in a tollbooth. Don't be scared about me making money. I am in love with a beautiful girl who makes lots of it. She'll be my sugar mama. I gotta get me one of those. I know this is the right thing to do. I'd die for this kid just so he wouldn't have to feel any sadness. That's why you're here now, to protect me, to be scared for me. To be a good father. And that's exactly what I'm gonna be. (BEEPS) Hello, Dad. Yeah, I just wanted to say "I love you." Hi, Mom. Could you put Dad on the phone? (FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Can I borrow that when you're done? Your Honour, my son deserves this kid. (GENERAL APPLAUSE) (BANGS GAVEL) I love you too, sir. Mr Koufax, the fact is you kidnapped this child. Not only you shouldn't you get custody, but since you obtained him by defrauding the State of NY, you should be in jail. Bailiff, remand him until I can figure out the punishment. Bailiff, remand him until I can figure out the punishment. Wait. You can't take him away. As that boy's father, I refuse to press charges. (GASPS) Oh, God. Corinne, I'm sorry. Six years ago, Joe Carter. Joe Carter? Toronto and the Phillies, World Series. Mitch Williams. We flew up for the night. There was a girl. Oh, God. I'm an idiot. I was so hammered. You know Canadian beer's like moonshine. Hell, yes. Sonny, remember. It was at that Toronto Hooters. Sonny, remember. It was at that Toronto Hooters. Yeah. That was before he met you. Now the Hooters thing, that's a coincidence. I'm sorry. I know this changes everything. I had to do the right thing. Mr Castelucci? I, er... Pending a blood test, I... Whatever. I grant custody to Mr Gerrity pending the results of a DNA test. No!! I want you to be my dad, Sonny. I know. I do too, pal. But I'm not sure that can happen exactly the way we want it. It seems you already have a daddy. But I'll tell you what I can do. I can be your friend. No matter what, I'll always be your friend. I'll always be your family. I'll always be around. I promise. He's pretty good at tying his shoes. Maybe I'll teach him the bunny ears thing. Maybe I'll teach him the bunny ears thing. What's that? You make the ears, cross 'em, pull 'em through. I go with this loop, swoop and pull thing. I go with this loop, swoop and pull thing. I don't know that one. Go with the loop, scoop and pull thing. I swear to God it's working. You know what? Go with the bunny ears thing. You're his dad. Sorry. It's important. When you eat at my restaurant, you never order BLT. You must trust me. Stay away from BLT. I'm gonna leave you with your dad. He's a good man. I've known him all my life. So have fun. I'll see you in the morning for breakfast. So have fun. I'll see you in the morning for breakfast. All right. Quit scaring the kid for a minute. Quit scaring the kid for a minute. Who am I scaring? Hey, Julian. I just got back from China. Do you know where that is? It's in Asia, which is by Europe. Er, I brought some cool stuff back. (THUD!) Ow! Did you move the bench? It's pretty funny, huh? You know what I got? I got some noisemakers. Check this out. Wanna try one? (CRACK!) (CRACK! CRACK!) Hey. You just missed my foot. # Well, I stood stone-like at midnight # Suspended in my masquerade # And I combed my hair till it was just right # And commanded the night brigade # I was over the plain and crossed by the rain # And I walked over a crooked bridge... You're a nice man. At my place I've got Spice Channel. 'It's blurry, but it's nice.' Make this quick, I wanna get back to work. Holy shit. You'd rather work than eat! I'm working on a big case. I gotta sue you assholes for making me come here. (ALL) Surprise! (WHISTLING / CHEERING) Did you just waste a good surprise on me again? Hi, Corinne. Thanks, everybody. Hi. How are ya? How are ya? Happy birthday, Daddy. How are you doin', cutie? I beat you so bad in basketball yesterday. From now on I have to stop letting you win. I stopped 6 months ago. He still beats me. I stopped 6 months ago. He still beats me. That's cos you suck. Hey, why don't you put a tank top on for old times' sake? What is he talkin' about, Mommy? What is he talkin' about, Mommy? Nothing. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Thank you. I got you a clock radio. I got you a clock radio. Thanks for telling me. I have to split. More deliveries. I have to split. More deliveries. Stay. We're gonna have fun. I can't stay. I'll hang for a little bit. There you go. Let's eat, everyone. Can we get some curly fries? Vanessa. Hi, Sonny. You're a Hooters' girl? What happened to Sid's 5-year plan? How ya doin'? Maybe it's a 10-year plan? Is that the guy with the old balls? Yeah, I think it is. Come on, I bet they're nice. Ohh! Come on. I don't think you're meant to say "balls". Testicles, OK?