That's disgusting. AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm gonna go fast now, girl. Whoa, that was awful. Oh, is that how it's gonna be, eh? (MIMICS GUITAR SOLO) I know it's visiting day, but I'm off to interview my favourite actor from Wentworth ` Robbie Magasiva. God! OVER PHONE: Oh, that prison drama? That's a bit ironical, bub. Yeah, he's gonna take me for a ride. But don't worry, the health and safety Nazis say we have to use a green screen. You mean a condom, bub? I'm riding his motorbike, not his co` (HORN BLARES) Fuck you! Jeez, Mum. OK, happy visiting day. Bye! To be honest, I didn't expect him to live in such a well-to-do area. Being that he's a little bit brown. Oh, here it is. Here's his dyke bike. Look it attracts dykes. (SPEAKS GIBBERISH, BUZZES) (HYPERVENTILATES) Hm. OK, let's go. Now, what's in here? Ooh! Oh, no, it's just lots of taro in there. Let's go. # Samoa, tula'i` # Robbie! Oh, hey. Hey! What you doing? Singing the national anthem. Oh, why? Well, every morning I get up, I come here, I sing my national anthem, do tai chi, some yoga and... OK. ... then, you know, I get on with it. OK, well, let's go! Cool. # Samoans love KFC. (HARMONIZES POORLY) # Jandals. # Yeah, that's a different version. It's good, though. Yep. Thank you. Cool. Shall we do an interview? Yeah, let's go do an interview. Come on, let's go. Come on through. Lovely house. Did you steal it? (LAUGHS) They're away on holiday. Oh, of course they are. (CLAPPERBOARD CLACKS) That is a good slate. (IMITATES CLAPPERBOARD) Robbie Magasiva. Hi, Anika. Don't. What? Don't. Just chill out. (LAUGHS) Star of stage, TV and film. As seen on The Strip, Shorty Street, Wentworth, Sione's Wedding Lord Of The Rings, a 'Naked Samoan', a father, a hunk,... welcome! Kia ora. Kia ora. What was the first moment when you thought, 'Hey, acting ` 'I could` I could do that.' It started for me ` it was the first commercial. And I remember turning up to set and there was a table full of food. And I'd never been on set before and I looked at it and the unit guy was standing looking at me. He goes, 'You all right?' I goes, 'Yeah, yeah.' 'You hungry?' I said, 'Oh. Oh, yeah?' 'Help yourself.' I said, 'Is it free?' He said, 'Yeah, man, go for it.' Smashed it. Because there's five boys in my family, and food was sacred. I said to that unit guy, I said, 'How do I get more jobs like this?' The food. Because of the food and that was it ` here I am talking to Anika Moa. Yeah, very famous. But, yeah, it was food. Yeah, whoa. But I used to do theatre sports and stuff like that. School productions back at school, back at college. Do you like theatre sports where they hand you something and go, 'Oh, use this and make up something on the spot with this.' Yeah. Like make up something on the spot with this phone. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Hello? Hello? How are ya? I'm good, but you haven't called me lately. Remember that night we had? What night was that? Thursday. Oh, I was blind drunk. Oh, it's OK ` I was too. I was asleep the whole time. How did` (GASPS) Nothing. Bye! Bye. So, this is lovely. Lovely drive around Auckland. Yeah. Mm. Grew up there. Did you? Yeah. I spewed up there. Really? Yeah. Oh, right. YELLS: Get out of the way! Yeah! Back in the '90s you appeared in one of the first Samoan comedies on TV; part of the wacky comedy family called The Semisis. Yes. Dad, he's evicting us. And I thought he was trying to kick us out of the house! (LAUGHS) (THUD) What was it like filming a parody of a Samoan family when you come from a Samoan family? It was kind of close to home. Cos there's one episode where the father doesn't pay any of the bills except for the Sky TV bill. Yeah. (LAUGHS) And it's like, aw, yeah, I'd see that happening. Yeah, that happens, yeah. It happens, eh? How would you think the show would go down now? Do you think it would offend many Samoan families? Oh, hell, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Would they be able to laugh at themselves like Maori people laugh at themselves? Like I laughed at myself when I watched Once Were Warriors. Yeah, they would, but then there's also, you know, the educated Polys that would say, 'No.' At one time, the only brown faces on TV were on Crime Watch and one of those faces was yours. There's several times where I have been broke... Yeah. ... I said, 'Yeah, fuck it, I'll do it.' But I've been everything. I've been` What would you do? What would you mostly be criminalling. I was, uh, robbery was my best one. Specialty? Yeah, my special one. Did you watch it every Tuesday, or whenever it was on, and your whole family would come around the table and` Nah. That was the one thing I never watched. The one thing you never ever watched? Nah. Why? What do you think? Cos it was embarrassing. It was embarrassing. You got the pay and the food. (SIGHS) I know. I reckon we could both be good on Crime Watch. Let's imagine what that would be like. Welcome to Crime Watch. Grey Lynn police are looking for this crazy-looking woman, who they describe as not only looking suspiciously brown, but covered in tattoos that look like they were drawn on by a drunk chimp. She's not considered dangerous ` just really, really, really, really annoying. Oh, really? Is that how it's gonna be, eh? OK, I didn't want to do this, but police would like to speak to any one who has seen this man. Who they describe as a filthy pervert and a sick, sick, disgusting, twisted puppy. (SUCKS IN AIR) Ooh. OK, so maybe that's not` No. That's not such a good idea, is it? No, no. (BURPS) Ah. (BURPS) (LAUGHS) What a pussy. (LAUGHS) This next round is quick-fire round, OK? Yep. No dithering, eating taro or playing with what's under your lava-lava and sit up straight. When did you last cry? Uh, a month ago. What's the last thing you bought or sold on Trade Me? My furniture. Have you ever won a raffle, a lotto or a trifecta? None. Have you ever done a poo off a bridge? Yes. (LAUGHS) You've done research of this, eh? Yes, I have. If so, when and where? In Samoa down the road from where I used to live. What's your porno name? Coconut Tree. Mmm, correct. What's your signature dish? Oh, toasties ` ham and cheese toasties. (BELL DINGS REPEATEDLY) Extra points. Do you love Trump as much as Kanye or are you more of a Winston Peters man? I'm a Winston Peters man. Have you ever freaked out while going to the toilet in another country. Yes. Where? Sri Lanka. When was the last time` Any squatting toilets I'm scared of. Sorry. When did you have your first six-pack? The Strip and also` I meant booze. Oh, six-pack! It was in Otaki during a Surf Life Saving carnival. I would have accepted the first answer. OK. Botox? Nah. Are you sure, cos... Nah, I've never had it. No? Have you ever been slapped by a jandal by a woman? No. With a palm, yeah, but not with a jandal. That's it. Is that it? That's it. (LAUGHS) Oh, that was fun. They Botox guys' balls now, so he doesn't sweat as much. Oh, no, that would make sense. Hey, Robbie, I had a dream that we were Kim and Kanye. The weird thing was that I was Kanye. (PONDEROSA TWINS PLUS ONE'S 'BOUND' PLAYS) # Bam! # Whoo! # # Bam! BAD AMERICAN ACCENT: # I like spam. # I'm Kanye West. Bam! # Bam! # ...falling in love. # I'm gonna go fast now, girl. # Bam! I went to Farmers and I bought some new underwe-ear # for my baby boo cos she got a big derri-ere. # Bam. I'm Kanye West. # Oh, yeah. (BIKE SQUEAKS) # I didn't do that. I'm Kayne West. You all right, girl? (SNORES) Bam! Bam! # Uh-huh, honey. # (EXCLAIMS) No more bams. (SIGHS) It's hard being a rap artist. OK, talk me through this picture. Yeah, you've got a past. That was Strip season one. I had the worst time... (GASPS) ... ever because all I could eat were broccoli and chicken breast ` and to this day I cannot eat chicken breast because of that. (LAUGHS) Cos you had to get a bod, a hot bod. I hated it. And was Taika Waititi in The Strip as well? Wasn't he a stripper as well? Yeah, he was a stripper. Taika was a stripper. Poor Taika. Now look where he is. Taika. Now look where he is. And look where you are in the` Like, you're here and he's there, so... Taika Waititi ` stripper. But I did look hot No, you were the hottest. I was hot, but I was hungry. (GROANS) And sad. Let's talk the Shortland Street years, yes! How's she doing? Uh, not good. Hang on. OK, that's better. It's back up to 90. What is being a Shortland Street star really like? Is it like being in the All Blacks or... the Black Ferns? It's huge, Shortland Street, here in this country. It's fucking huge. I got a taste of it and when I used to go to ` occasionally we'd get invited to go to shopping malls to open things ` people used to mob them, literally. OK, so you play a screw on Wentworth. My favourite TV show ever. What's it like working with all those women? You know, cos it can be quite bitchy. (IMITATES CAT GROWLING) As cliche as it sounds, I have the pleasure of waking up in the morning and looking forward to going to work ` to work with those women. And they lift the show to a certain level. Yeah. And it's amazing. If you're not on that level, oh, it shows. There'd be a couple of times that people have turned up on set and it's like, whoa, like they stand out. You've gotta step up. You've gotta step up. Can you impersonate anyone famous? OK, I'm gonna throw you some names, OK? Yep. Jamie Oliver. BAD BRITISH ACCENT: So, we just gotta put some more lemon in this dish. That sounds fucking Australian. No, look, say something` All right! Penelope Cruz. BAD SPANISH ACCENT: Spanish. HIGH PITCHED VOICE: I'm Spanish. Far out. It's just terrible. (LAUGHS) Temuera Morrison as Jake the Muss. GUTTURALLY: Oh... (LAUGHS) Got some pretty big muscles there. What the fuck? You know the scene! No, I know, but it's just not working for me. Cliff Curtis in any movie he's ever done. (LAUGHS) I'm scared I'll never get hired. I'll never get hired by Cliff. No, you won't. No. (MUMBLES IN BAD SPANISH ACCENT) What the fuck? ... the girl, you know? And they get to be home then... Simon Bridges. (LAUGHS) SQUEAKILY: Um,... (LAUGHS) He doesn't sound like an old lady! I don't know! I'm terrible at impersonations. THICK KIWI ACCENT: Say, 'Simon Bridges. Simon Bridges. My God. David Fane playing your dad on The Semisis. He does that. (LAUGHS) NASALLY: Where's the best bits? (LAUGHS) Huh? Where's the best bits? (LAUGHS) (EXCLAIMS) (LAUGHS) That's right, that's perfect. It's a very good morning for me ` like, sexually. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) (IMITATES REVVING ENGINE) I'll be like, 'Tasha, guess what I did?' Straddled Robbie's motorbike. (LAUGHS) You live in West Auckland? I do. That's disgusting. Is that something you regret? (IMITATES GUITAR SOLO) * (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC) Yuck. Yucky. (SCOFFS) We're in West Auckland ` it's a fucking piece of shit. I'm gonna try and get to Urzila's house without being raped or mugged. Right, let's go have a look in her bins. Oh, prawns and tampons. This must be her lesbian wagon. Kia ora! Urzila? Who's that? It's Anika Moa. I'm here to interview you for my show Unleashed. Hi, Urzila! Nice to meet you. You know what the judge said; you're not allowed to be here. No, no, no, we... Cut. Should we get pissed before the interview, I dunno? Aren't you? The crew and I got drunk this morning when they arrived. Oh, my God, guys. Yeah, the sound guy was wasted, though. OK, well, have you got a bottle of vodka? I'll just quickly do some now. Catch up? Yeah, no, I've got cough syrup. Can you do a handstand? Yeah, easily. Yeah, chug it in your butthole ` that's how you get... That's how the kids do it, isn't it? (CLAPPERBOARD CLACKS) Urzila Carlson. I just want to check a few things with you before the cameras roll, OK? OK. Have you ever been in the Mongrel Mob? No. What about the Young Nats? No! (SCOFFS) Are you a really rabid anti-vaxxer and chemtrail enthusiast? No. Are you, or have you ever been, the voice of the toilet duck? No. Oh, did you once kill a lion with your bare bum? No, no, it was a rhino, you idiot. (LAUGHS) OK, we can start. Start now. Cool. Urzila Carlson. Yes. Comedian, author, beloved friend of the LGBQTIBLTFMLKFC community. You forgot 'A'. Sorry, 'A'. Ted Talker, South African, daughter, lover and mama. Kia ora. Kia ora. You are known for swearing. Like a sailor. Like a sweary, sweary McFuckface I was gonna say, but sailor will suffice. I like sweary, sweary McFuckface. Do you manage to control yourself in front of your kids or are you like me? If by like you mean to swear any way and go, 'You're not allowed to say that,' then yeah. Just yesterday in the paper I read it's important to swear in front your kids so they know how some words work. If something slips out, I'm unapologetic, but then I'll just turn to the kids and go, 'You can't say that word.' (LAUGHS) But when she started school she said to me the afternoon I picked her up, she goes, 'Can I ask you something?' I go, 'Yeah.' She goes, 'Is vagina a bad word?' I go, 'No, you can say vagina.' She goes, 'So it's not a swear word like you say?' I go, 'No, but you should probably not talk about your vagina too much.' (LAUGHS) 'OK.' Now any big word, she's like, 'Am I allowed to say that?' I go, 'Yeah, that's totally sweet. You can say that.' Where is the line for you? Joke wise? Yeah. I don't talk about rape and I don't talk about child abuse. I always say, if you've got a hilarious story about yourself being raped, tell it. Yep. People come to show to have a laugh and take a load off. Now you roll up with a rape joke and take someone in the audience back to the most horrific time of their life. Mm-hm. Why would you do that? What do you think of all those hashtag 'me too', Billy Cosbys ` whatever his name is. (LAUGHS) Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby! You're too friendly. 'Oh, it's Uncle Billy.' (LAUGHS) Uncle Fucking Billy. You won't remember anything of this. Nobody sleep. (LAUGHS) What's that? See that's a rape joke. Yeah. And you're laughing. Is that your tit on me or your stomach? No, that's my tit. You live in West Auckland? I do. That's disgusting. But are you actually a real Westie or are you a 'Faux-gan'? No, no, I'm a proper Westie. OK, I'll do a Westie test on you now. Look in to my eyes and answer quickly. (ROCK MUSIC) Have you ever eaten your own vom-vom because you didn't want to waste the LSD or shrooms? Yes. Have you ever done a yard glass or 21 shots? Yes. Name a car that's good for burnouts that isn't a Holden or Ford. I don't know. Skyline. I would have also accepted an RX-7. Oh, that's too flash for here, mate. Jesus. Oh, sorry. I've never seen an RX here. That's our researcher there. Sorry about that. Aroha mai. Honestly, I've got a Mazda truck and people judge me for it. (LAUGHS) I'm like, guys it an old one! It's got over 400,000km on the clock. 'Oh, fuck off!' I hear you got a Netflix thing coming up? Yeah. When they sent me the offer I went, 'Yeah!' And then I just said this is the half hour I want to do and they go, 'Yep, sweet.' Oh, they made me take out one word. Lesbitarian? No, they go, 'Can you just take out the F-word?' I go, 'There's so many fucks in there I don't know if I can.' And they go, 'No, no, the other one.' They're so PC they didn't even want to say which one. I had to sift through and go, 'Do you mean faggot?' Faggot? Yeah. But it's just a bundle of sticks. And they went, 'Yeah, take that out.' I went, 'OK.' (LAUGHS) I filmed it in Canada. Already filmed it? Yeah, and I got food poisoning the day before and I thought I was gonna have a shit right through my set, but luckily I didn't. YELLS: Whoa! Whoa, that was awful. (MAN GRUNTS) Oh, no, I hit a bald old man. VOICEOVER: Hey, Auckland, which of the Youi 40 ways to save would work best for where you live? Grey Lynn, close to the city, is where Ava lives, so number 1 of 40 - "Don't drive to work" - could be best for her. Do a car insurance quote at youi.co.nz. * You gave a Ted Talk about moving on and living a life with no regrets. Looking back ` is that something you regret? Mm, no. I thought doing a Ted Talk meant you were kind of a wanker or a failed life coach. If you were my life coach, where would you start? Well, (CLEARS THROAT) for starters I would clear my diary. (LAUGHS) (UPBEAT MUSIC) Coming, sorry, Sir. Come on. OK, sorry, Sir. Yeah, let's go get snacks. Yep. Get some snacks, yep. Start off with a couple of beers. Do you drink? Yeah! Yeah, course ` I'm Maori. Park this here. We probably won't need it again. (SIGHS) This is tiring. I know. And we're only on, what, par one or whatever it's called. This is the first hole. Nothing's par one. Whatever, who cares? So you just, kind of, line it with the ball. Yep. And you pull back and let the club do the work for you. Yep, OK. OK. I also don't know what that means, but someone has said that to me, so I'm saying that to you. Hurry up. Club off ` not a bat. I used to call it a bat for ages, but I kind of learned that that is not what you call it. Mm-hm. Cool. Good story. Now go. OK. Oh, Jesus. And there, you see, it's on the fairway. Are you part man? Cos that went quite far. No, I'm better; I'm a woman. Do you wanna have a go? Yes, please. Could you teach me? OK, don't swing yet cos I don't want to be a YouTube sensation with you. And then you just swing it back and then right through. Oh, I don't want to hurt you. Yeah, do it! Hurt me! Are you sure? Yeah. Yeah, do it. Are you sure? YELLS: Whoa! (INSPIRING MUSIC) Wow, that was awful. (MAN GRUNTS) Oh, no, I hit a bald old man. Oh, there's heaps of them in golf. There's heaps of them, aren't there? Heaps of them in golf. I don't even yell 'fore' when I see it's heading for them, I'm like, fuck it, take it. (IMITATES GUITAR SOLO) But you know all women do that, eh? We all take photos of our vaginas, don't we? Ooh. Do you find that Kiwi's have a prejudice about South Africans, which is totally racist? Everyone knows a South African. We're so everywhere now we're sort of just blended in. Sure, you're blended in (!) (LAUGHS) Sure. Mate, I married a girl from Fielding. You don't more blending than that. No, that's blending. Yep. That's blending. That's blending as shit. I mean, I had to explain to her why her spoon was broken. She's like, 'This spoons fucked.' I go, 'It's a fork.' (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) And I tell our friends, don't ever date a South African. Avoid us. We're fucking crazy. Maori people are crazy too, so I think that's why we have so much in common. I think there's a lot of crossover. Yep. Cos we call all the older people 'Auntie' and 'Uncle'. A Maori thing too. Yeah! Yep. We're huggers, you know. Yep. Get off me, Uncle. Oh, that` That went different. One of the things I like about you ` there's only about four... That's more than my family, mate. No, I really like you! You keep it real and talk openly about things like miscarriages. Why are we so afraid to talk about real fucking life? It makes us uncomfortable when people open up about self. My wife carried the babies. When we lost the baby, I just went through grief, you know? One in four pregnancies will end that way, and it's like why aren't people talking about it? Cos we announced. You announce to everyone and go, 'We're gonna have a baby!' And everyone's happy about it and then when you lose it you go just real quiet, and people go, 'They haven't said anything in four years about that pregnancy.' You want people to celebrate with you ` you need them to be sad with you too. That's called support. Absolutely. So I thought, 'You know what? I'm gonna chuck it in to a show.' (UPBEAT MUSIC) I reckon we'd be great in a women's prison drama like Orange Is The New Black, or Wentworth. (CLEARS THROAT) But who'd be the prisoner and who would be the guard? You'd be the bitch. Previously on Cell Block Bitches... # Sail away, sail away` # YELLING: # Shut your mouth, shut you mouth! # Do you wanna go to solitary confinement for a little bit, eh? Why are you so abusive? All right? Get it out. (IMITATES GUN SHOTS) Just chill out. I wasn't hugged enough as a child. Can I leave? Yeah, sure, sure, push me. Oh, fuck ya then. Bye! # Sail away, sail away. # I'm gonna beat you. I'm gonna` (SLAPS) (YELLS OUT PATHETICALLY) I look at those shows and I go, 'If that is honestly what prison is like, 'all lesbians would be in there.' It would be awesome. (LAUGHS) Honestly, straight chicks on white wine. (WHISTLES) I know! And they go, 'Oh, I'd turn gay for you.' Yeah, cos I always say, when they sit in the audience they go, 'I could never be a lesbian. (GAGS)' And then they have that second chardonnay and they go, 'Although...' And then after the third one they go, 'I could fuck that woman.' I can't stop laughing. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) You're the funniest. Captions by Hariet Ellis. Edited by Starsha Samarasinghe. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2019.