# "All Cos Of You" - The 88 # I've been sinking through the drain of love # Lift my eyes to skies of up above # Listen to me this is how I feel # Since I knew you All my thoughts are real # You're the only one I wanna do # Everything's... new # And it's all cos of you # I've been moving Cos my heart is true # Telling everyone I know about you # Tell your mama # That you won't be home # Let your daddy know You're not alone # All I wanna do Is make you mine... # You have very beautiful toes. Did I ever tell you that? Yes, you have. I'm not even... I'm not even a foot guy. Not even webbed... Are you concentrating on the game, or are you just lusting after the feet of your soon-to-be wife? I'm concentrating. (CHUCKLES) (KNOCK ON DOOR) Carl, it's Neil! Are you there? (WHISPERS) No, we're not. Carl! It's Neil! There's a problem! There's a wedding-related problem. Carl! It's Neil! There's a problem! There's a wedding-related problem. All right, go. (KNOCK ON DOOR) I hear you whispering about not answering me. Just remember, when this is all over, it's just you and me. # It's all cos of you! # Carl! If you're humping, stop. I'm coming in. Dude, it's Dupree. How the hell did Dupree end up on the wrong island? How the hell did Dupree end up on the wrong island? Dupree was born on the wrong island. Move this out of the way, please. We're coming through. Ten minutes ago those were supposed to be out. Where's Mr Thompson? Dad, this is incredible. We really didn't need all this. I know. But I did. Dupree! There he is. Did other people land on the wrong island? Guys, I know I'm in the doghouse, but, come on. These islands, Maui, Cowie, Lenowi - very easy to get mixed up. Don't worry, you're here. I'm sorry. Come here, you big lug. (APPLAUSE) Thank you. Folks, this is a bittersweet time for me. A day that Molly's mother, rest her soul, and I used to dream about. On one hand, I'm inheriting a new son-in-law... (LAUGHTER) ...but on the other, Daddy's losing his only little girl. Now, when Molly told me that she was gonna marry Carl, I said, "Who?" And Molly said, "Daddy, he works for you." I said, "Honey, I've got 1200 employees nationwide." But then I started to worry. Maybe he was some young buck trying to push me aside, grab the reins of my company. Then I met Carl... (LAUGHTER) ...sitting in Cubicle 26. And I said, "You know, I like my chances." (LAUGHS) So, will you raise your glass to Molly and Carl... He's funny. ...to health and happiness. Cheers. (ALL) Hear-hear! (CHEERING) (ALL) One! Two! Three! Carl! All right, listen up. Now, wait. Just wait. In honour of your impending nuptials, I want to perform a feat that I've used to mark every special occasion in our lives since at least high school. Ladies and gentlemen, birds and bees, I present to you the Flaming Tornado! (ALL CHEER) Molly! Honey, look who's here! Hi! This is just a safety precaution. OK. A little room here. Need to focus. Barkeep, your finest Kentucky bourbon, low-grade tequila... Don't let him start till I get back. ...lemon slices, a funnel, and an open flame. (ALL CHEER) Lemons! OK... Funnel. (CROWD CHANTS) Tornado! Tornado! Open flames. Carl has the honour. Will the groom please light the liquid? Carl, grab this. Carl, you got... Where...? What are you doing? Do the Tornado. Maybe later. No! No. What are you doing, man? No, we'll do it later. Do it now! Carl has to be here. Now! Let Carl come and do it. Dude. I'm doing the Tornado, bitch! (CHEERING) Do that Tornado! You wanna sit down? (CROWD CHANTS) Neil! Neil! Argh! (WOMAN SCREAMS) Oh my God! Yo, Tornado Man. This one is for you, my brother. Nice one. Well, I guess this is where the road ends for you and me. We had a good run, though, didn't we? Hey, Dupree, I'm not dying. I'm just getting married. Yeah, I know. Hey, listen. I feel bad about, you know, earlier when I was laughing like a hyena when Mr Thompson was making all those jokes at your expense. Well, they weren't really at my expense. No, no, no, they were. It was a shot across your bow. It wasn't that funny. I mean, it was, but I shouldn't have been laughing, cos I'm your best man and I don't want him getting in your head. Cos he's in my head a little bit. I don't want you to forget that you're bringing something to the table, too, OK? You've got that... Carlness. That little twinkle in your eye. That little glint that says they're never gonna beat you. They can't lay a glove on you. And don't forget that, because you can't put a price tag on it. a glove on you. And don't forget that, because you can't put a price tag on it. Thanks, buddy, I appreciate it. But, you know, I really think he was kidding around. Yeah. He's got a kind of a weird sense of humour. Besides, it's not like I'll work for him for the rest of my life. You know, I got plans of my own. There it is. There's that Carlness. They can't lay a glove on you, can they? God, I admire you. I really do. That's no secret. (SIGHS) Thanks, buddy. Oh, er,... I wanted to give you this, you know, for being my best man. You got to be shitting me. It's a flask! You like it? I love this. Hey, you know, that reminds me of the groomsmen outfits. Should mine be a little different since I'm the best man? of the groomsmen outfits. Should mine be a little different since I'm the best man? What do you have in mind? A little insignia or a patch. I don't want people to be confused. Something understated - a lightning bolt. Lightning bolt? Something... Could be cool. Yeah... I like it. Although, it is going to be listed in the programme that you're the best man. Really? Uh-huh. That's pretty good. OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That should be enough. Now, is Neil gonna be OK over there? It looks like the tide's coming up. Neil's gonna be fine. (CHEERING) Bingo! Whoo! (MOUTHS) Oh wow! How many thank-you notes do you think we have to write? (MOUTHS) Oh wow! How many thank-you notes do you think we have to write? Well, I counted 111. Honey, I'm gonna do half of them. Oh, come on. Really? No, no, no. Really. "Dear whoever-gave-us-this-platter, I love it! Finally a platter!" "Just what I always wanted." "And now you've made my platter dreams come true." That's perfect. And then you write 55 more just like that, and you're done. Yeah. Mmm-hmm. 'Hi, this is Carl.' And this is Molly. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) We can't get to the phone right now. You've reached the Petersons. So leave a message. Wait for the beep. We'll get back to you soon. Have a beautiful day. All right, let's do it again. No. That was really cute. Molly, it was cheesy. It was really funny. (CHUCKLES) No, it wasn't cheesy. Give it to me. It's totally cheesy. Give me the machine. No! It's good cheesy! ID? Hey, married guy, how you doing? Morning, Reese. ID? Top of the morning, Paco. So, we're back from the honeymoon. Oh, yeah... We had a great time, sir. It was just... wonderful. I took a look at your proposal while you were gone. The Oaks At Mesa Vista. You like it? Did I like it? I loved it! It's perfect for Lot 208. 208? It's huge. If I may, Mr Thompson... Mesa Vista is really more of a smaller, 40-unit... ...eco-community. Not anymore, Carl. You got to think big, you got to think bold. You're married now, to my little girl. I'm fast-tracking it. And you, sir, you're the lead designer on it. I'm fast-tracking it. And you, sir, you're the lead designer on it. Excuse me, sir? And you, sir, You are the lead designer. Excuse me, sir? And you, sir, You are the lead designer. Wow, that's... Wow, that's... That's great. Erm... What happened to Harrison? I had to let him go while you were gone. Little problem with Rancho del Mar. But I believe in you. You've got it. It's here and it's here. Release it. OK. I'll do that, sir. Release it. (BELL RINGS) (CAR HORN) Wow! I can't believe it. Lead designer? "He loved my proposal." And it's a little bit bigger than I initially planned, but you know, hey, maybe that's a good thing. So, what does this mean? Well, it means I've got my own office. "Which is great. It's got a view." A view of trees and some cars. It's just terrific, and... Living the dream, honey. Living the dream. "Wow. Maybe we can celebrate..." ...a little when you get home tonight from guys' night? "Wow. Maybe we can celebrate..." ...a little when you get home tonight from guys' night? Are you trying to seduce me? (GIGGLES) "I'll see you tonight." What's up, guys? Carl, you made it! Intense matches going on! Guys' night, man! Hey, there he is! (HIGH VOICE) # Can you feel the fun For the guys' night? # I can just feel it, you know? "(BLEEPING)" Shit balls! What's that? (SIGHS) It's my alarm. My hour's up. That's it for me. Are you kidding? Bullshit. Where you going? I've got to go meet my wife and watch Sisterhood of the Travelling Ya-Ya Pants. How late do you get to stay out? I used to have midnight. Cos I was late once and - I'm a grown man, Neil. I don't have a curfew. Not yet you don't. But in all seriousness, tell me something. (EXHALES) Do I smell like beer? Yeah. Good. You know what I don't smell like, then? Cigarettes and weed. That one's free. Yeah! The dream continues! Still undefeated! Yes! Nice. Will you look at this guy? Look at you. Is this what it looks like to be married? It's still early on. To fidelity, commitment, the whole shebang. Yeah... And I also got a promotion today. Add it to the list. Forever blessed as the dream continues. How are you doing, buddy? How am I doing? Good question. Turns out I got fired for taking that week off to go to the wedding. You got fired? Apparently, I never had authorisation. My boss claims he never received my e-mail. I had a cash flow situation, so I ended up losing my apartment. You're not living out of your car? Carl... I'm not an animal. (SIGHS) Plus, it was a company car. So when I lost the job... It's OK. I picked up a ten-speed. Dave's letting me crash at the bar. Dupree, you can't sleep in a bar. We're not in our 20s any more. Sure you can. I got a cot set up in the back. This is ridiculous. You'll stay with us. That's sweet of you, but I won't impose. Dupree will land on his feet as always. Can I have a toast, please? Listen, Dupree, we've got to get rid of the cot. Some of the regulars are starting to complain. They don't think it's fair that you get to sleep here and they don't. are starting to complain. They don't think it's fair that you get to sleep here and they don't. Curley said that, didn't he? Curley? Curley! What? You got a problem with me sleeping on the cot? We all have a problem with it! We took a vote. The ayes have it. Dupree? Live with us? Not live. Just stay for a couple of days until he gets back on his feet. Molly, he's been sleeping in a bar. How does that happen? Who knows? It's Dupree. His mother moved to Florida with that yoga idiot, his friends are married, including me. He's got nowhere to go. Wait a second. What's all this? This is that celebration we were supposed to have for your promotion. What's all this? This is that celebration we were supposed to have for your promotion. I'm sorry, hon. Look, Molly, let me go outside and tell Dupree to bring his bags in - What?! Dupree's here? Carl... Carl. Carl. OK, look, you're right. I screwed up. I did this all wrong, and I'm sorry. I should have called first. Maybe I should just give him some money for a motel. Carl... Carl. He's your best friend. He's here. He can stay. That's great, Molly. Look, it's only gonna be for a couple days. Well, a week at the most. OK. After that, he's out of here. Keep those candles burning. I'll be right back. OK. Hey, Molly. I want you to know I really, really appreciate this, OK? It's really no problem, Dupree. Thanks. Nice moose. Murphy, say hello to the missus. Hi,... Murphy. Come on in, buddy. Make yourself at home. Thanks. I hope the couch is OK. I'm fine anyplace. You know where everything is. Thank you. And, hey, listen, just to put your minds at ease, this is not a permanent situation, OK? I'm hitting the job trail, I'm gonna hit it hard tomorrow. Wheels of change are in motion. Good. Good. That's a good attitude. Despite what my ex-boss said, I'm not un-hireable. Those copiers didn't exactly sell themselves. I think we had an inferior product. I'd tell people that if they asked. I wasn't going to lie for that... I don't want to get started on him, but... OK, great! Well, make yourself at home, and, er... Molly and I... are going to go upstairs and take care of some stuff. Well, hey, hey, hey, hey. Listen, we're all adults here. You're newlyweds. Making love's part of that. You're supposed to explore each other. I get it. Come on. If this situation's gonna work, we've got to be honest with each other. Now, go on. Enjoy yourselves. I'm not gonna listen. Hump away. Go on, get out of here. Good night. OK... Good night. (UKULELE STRUMS) (ALARM BUZZES) I'm kind of dreading the talk with his parents. He hasn't really been treating anybody very nicely at... That's not good. No. Not for us... or... our couch. ...cheeky little` ...celebratory` ...frisky` ...sneaky` (SLAM!) Oh, man, did I tell you? Just the other Friday, I was just` ...partying at Rob Craig's 40th with` ...the boys. With the team. With the missus. We were only knocking back` ...twoooo... ...three` ...cheeky little` ...celebratory` ...frisky` ...sneaky` ...depth chargers. Vinos. Gingers. Doz. Stickies. Brewskies. Darts. You know, spaced` Frisbee golf. Silly juice. Silly juice. Brent's a vegan. You know how it is. Anyhow` Anyway` Anyhow` Might just go wees first. I felt` ...in control. Fine. Pretty sweet. (LAUGHS) Totally` ...compos mentis. I was` ...taking it` ...slow. Stealth as. Pretty chill. Hung a right. Left. Boom. (SIREN WHOOPS) (BRAKES WHINE SOFTLY) SOFTLY: Oh no, no, no, no, no. (BREATHALYSER BEEPS) OK. That is a fail. (SIGHS SOFTLY) (EXHALES SHARPLY) (SCOFFS SOFTLY) RT: We're just gonna go 4Q. Families love perfect pizza. With more fresh ingredients, our DOM Pizza Checker quality guarantee, and any pizza from $15 delivered, with Domino's, everyone's happy. "Computer skills"... Not really. (SIGHS) Mmm... (FLUSHING) (HUMS) The Oaks At Mesa Vista... This is exciting, isn't it? Stunning. Just stunning. You know, sir, if we're not gonna have any trees, maybe we should consider changing the name. (PHONE RINGS) No! I love the name. Names are important, Carl. (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE RINGS) Are you gonna answer that phone? Give me a second. What do you want? "Carl, hey!" Where do you keep the plungers? What do you need a plunger for? No reason. I just want to stay on top of stuff. What happened? I just want to know where things are in case there's an emergency, which there probably never will be. I don't have time for this! I don't have time for this. I'm at work. I got to go. Make time, cos we got a little bit of a situation. I didn't want to have to say anything, but... (WATER GARGLES) Carl? Huh... It just stopped. Where were we? We were talking about names, Carl - how important they are. Would you ever consider letting Molly keep her last name? I mean, I know it's a strange request coming from a father-in-law, but a man's name is his legacy, and if Molly takes yours, then the Thompson name dies with me. Well, there's lots of Thompsons around. Not in a direct line, Carl. No, no, not in a direct line. Well, what about our kids? Children should have the last name of the father, don't you think? You're having kids? Well, not right now, but eventually. In certain Asian cultures, Carl, the husband takes the wife's name. You just said a man's legacy is his name. What about a hyphen? A hyphen? Yeah. I could ask Molly, but I don't think she... Wait a minute. You mean me? You mean I'm supposed to hyphenate? You can use your own name but you'll be hyphenating it. It's win-win. With all due respect, not for me it isn't, sir. All right, forget it. You're obviously upset about it. I'm sorry I even brought it up. Let's keep focused on your project. (SIGHS) Come on! Toshi, what are you doing? You gave him a meatball! (SIGHS) Come on! Toshi, what are you doing? You gave him a meatball! Watch the car! Throw it, throw it. We got him. Did he touch the plate? He... Oh, here we go. The game just turned. Yes! Carl Peterson, third team honourable mention. All-district, 1984! We get Carl! Hey, what's going on? There he is - sweet heat. Time to dust off the old jockstrap. This kid Dougie's been killing us all afternoon. We need your arm. Let's go. Dupree, I'd love to, but I can't. I kind of had a rough day. I better go in and see Molly. I like it. Family first. Priorities. We're gonna have to do it ourselves. Brush him back here, OK? What's a brush-back? Throw it really close to him. Scare him a little but don't hit him cos he's bigger than you. Mr Dupree, I'm in the orchestra. First, call me Dupree cos I'm your team-mate. Second, so you're the orchestra - so was Catfish Hunter. Let's go. Let's go. Here we go! Hi! How was work? It was fine. Good fine? Bad fine? Fine, fine. You wouldn't believe the response I'm getting for my Career Day program. I saved a spot for you on the 15th. Yeah, OK. I'll bring in some blueprints and maybe even some models... It'll be fun. The kids'll really love it. That's it! Hey! Come on, now! Break it up. "(SALSA MUSIC)" "Hola, you've reached Dupree." "If this is in regards to employment, be aware that my Class-4 driver's licence has expired, and I am no longer willing to work with asbestos. I won't do it." Can you believe it? Some chin music and whole neighbourhood goes crazy. "Oh, and for Carl and Molly, press 2." Oh... I meant to tell you about that. I changed the answering machine in case somebody calls about a job. I'm staying on top of this job thing. (SIGHS) You guys are OK with that, right? We got to put the job first. Well, Carl, are we OK with that? (WHISPERS) Molly... Molly... Nice. When did we get HBO? You saw that. I upgraded us, and I'm going to go halfsies on it cos I love it also. You've got it upstairs, too. I think you get the Oxygen Channel, too. What are you doing? What? What do you want? Cinemax? "What do you hear? What do you say?" "(CHEERING)" Let me get this straight. He hijacks our answering machine. "Carl and Molly, press 2." OK? Then he decides, "I'm sleeping on the couch, I'll order HBO." I mean, Carl, am I wrong here? Carl! What do you want me to do? Whack the guy? "(TV OFF)" I told Dupree not to change anything without asking, and I gave him a pair of pyjamas. Dupree's gonna get the hang of this. He's never truly been domesticated. He's like the ape-man of Borneo. We're the lucky ones who get to housebreak him? You know what I mean, honey. I'm over it. I finished my thank-you notes today. Do you need help with your half? No, no, no, I... Candlesticks, bread-maker, Crock-Pot... I got them covered. It's my final offer. No, I got them covered. Sorry to interrupt. Oh! (GASPS) Damn it, Dupree! What is this?! It's an emergency. The downstairs crapper is fritzed again. "On the fritz"? Yeah! It's on the fritz! Please, tell me he's joking. We might need some matches. Does that answer your question? Oh God! Dupree! Oh my God. Carl! (WATER SPLASHES) Carl! Dupree! Dupree? Yo! Dupree, what you did in our bathroom last night was disgusting. Molly nearly passed out. I know, I know. Believe me. I'm never eating Buffalo wings again. I don't care how much I love them. I'm off them. It's weird. I used to have a stomach like a Billy goat. I made a little breakfast for... Molly, great. Come here. Morning. Good morning. Right here. Let me get this chair for you here. Have a seat. Breakfast is served. Yes... I believe Carl told me you're a fan of the banana pancake... Wow. ...and the soy macchiato. One second. I want this to be perfect. Did you tell him to do this? Here you are. Soy macchiato. Dupree, you didn't have to do all this. Here you are. Soy macchiato. Dupree, you didn't have to do all this. Yes, I did have to do this. Look, I know I got off on the wrong foot, and I just want you both to know that I really appreciate this and I... am grateful. I don't know what to say - Don't say anything. Just accept my apology and enjoy this feast. I'm off to a very promising job interview which explains my attire. Wish me luck. Goodbye. Good luck. Go get them, Tiger! I will. Thank you! Off like a prom dress! So, why don't you describe yourself, Mr Dupree? I'm a people person. Very personable. I absolutely insist on enjoying life. Erm... not so task-oriented. I'm not a workhorse. If you're looking for a Clydesdale, I'm probably not your... man. I don't live to work. It's the other way around. I work to live. (SIGHS) Incidentally, what's your policy on Columbus Day? We work. Really? The guy discovered the New World. I'm afraid to even ask about Victory Over Japan Day. Hey, we tried, right? Thanks a lot. Yeah. I'm gonna keep my resume. You've got to lean into it and commit to it. You get hurt if you're afraid. Time it right... Come down. You guys got to get a rhythm going. Come on. Watch me. I'm just running down the ramp. It's actually harder than on a skateboard. Speed's your friend. Hold on. Come down. Go. See how he's timing it? And then he pops it up? Go! Yes! Go! One more time. So, what's going on over here? Check out this badass skate ramp I had Aaron's dad build for us. I was telling these guys how we used to tear it up back in the day. I had Aaron's dad build for us. I was telling these guys how we used to tear it up back in the day. Yep! Pretty good. I got an idea. What do you say we put on a little show? Throw down some one-wheelers, make it rain out here! Come on! (GIRL) Let's see what you got! (BOY) Show us something! Give me a board. Yes! Carl! Step aside, guys. (BOY) Show us something! Give me a board. Yes! Carl! Step aside, guys. Honey, I need some help. Yep, just like back in the day. Nice! Show them how we used to do it. Step aside. (BOTH EXHALE) Well, no-one ever said we were gonna live forever. Let's go. Carl! Carl... What are you doing? What's it look like? Getting ready to rip it up. Relax, Molly. This is only gonna take a second. like? Getting ready to rip it up. Relax, Molly. This is only gonna take a second. (GIRL) Come on, Dupree! Say when. When! Agh! Oh, I'm racked! Carl! Agh! Oh, I racked my little Duprees! Ugh! When was the last time you were even on a skateboard? 1987. Oh. For a second there we almost had it back. Oh. For a second there we almost had it back. Yeah... What is this? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Is this some kind of a joke? Carl, Thompson wanted more units. He thought it would work better as a wraparound. A wraparound. Mesa Vista is not a wraparound. Hasta manana, Paco. Good night, boss. Mr Thompson! Hey. You see the preliminaries? Mr Thompson! Hey. You see the preliminaries? I did, and it's completely different than my original proposal. Godammit, Carl, will you stop fighting this? People buy homes. Let the government pay for the parks. That's why we have taxes. The Oaks At Mesa Vista is a money train. You wanna be on it? Yeah,... I'm on it. Money train! I'll give you a money train. "(CHEERING)" Throw it now! Please! No, he didn't go over! No! He didn't make it, man. Carl! Welcome home! Come here, buddy! We got one for you. Get a beer for him. What are you doing? Watching the game. I can see that. Hey, guys! Please, shut the hell up cos it's fourth and inches. Please, just shut up. You shut up! Watch it in your house! I can't have friends over on week nights. You know that. Grow a sac. Take it up with Annie. Time for the lion tamer. I can't talk to him like this. What's going on? You all right? (SIGHS) Yeah. I'm fine. God, I've been watching you lately. You're really putting in the hours. But you got to find some balance. Find a little Carl time. You know what I'm saying? You're right. Carl time. Come here. Molly's got the Back to School thing tonight. We got the house to ourselves for a while. Let's watch the game. Let your hair down. You think I've been overdoing it with work? I know you've been overdoing it. (SIGHS) Yeah... Shake it loose, huh? Just live a little, man. Yeah. You know, maybe I ought to make my nachos. Nice! Yes! Carl time! # Nachos! Carl nachos are in my belly! # Hey, Neil, turn up the volume. OK. Yeah, yeah. You know who else loves Carl's nachos? Eddie. Call him. I did. Carl, soup them up, man! Make them spicy! OK, guys. This is it. This is it! Come on. Just come on... (ALL SHOUT) No! Yes! Congratulations, idiots. Congratulations, guys. 50 push-ups, faggot. I'm not giving you push-ups. That was the deal. Fine. OK? Enjoy it. (ALL SHOUT) One, two... He has a condition. ...three, four. I have a condition. I should not do this. Come on! I have a gamey colon, and it gets spastic and spasms. I should not do this. Come on! I have a gamey colon, and it gets spastic and spasms. Carl. Carl! Neil, shut up! Carl. Mark, what? What is it? Molly. Hi. Oh, hey, Molly. You're home early. Really? I invited some of the guys over... to watch a little football. I figured it was just a little time to loosen up, a little Carl time. to watch a little football. I figured it was just a little time to loosen up, a little Carl time. Yippee! Me gusta margarita! Hola, Dupree. Hola, Molly. We should go. (ALL MUTTER IN AGREEMENT) Bye. Sorry, I ashed on your floor. Take that tie off your head. I'll give this to Carl at the office. So don't tell Annie I was here. If you do, don't tell her I asked you - Out. Out! OK. I'll just go. I know what you're thinking. But we were gonna have this rug shampooed. OK. I'll just go. I know what you're thinking. But we were gonna have this rug shampooed. Oh, and look. Look at that. My grandmother's silver cheese platter. You used it to serve nachos. Well, nachos have cheese in them. Let me just start cleaning up - Dupree, stop. (DOORBELL RINGS) Somebody arriving late for the party. The party... Game's over! Go away! The party's over! (DOORBELL RINGS) Party... Molly, for the love of God! We heard there were some bad boys in here. There were, but they left. # "Got To Be Some Changes Made" - The Staple Singers # There's trouble all over the world # Confusion everywhere # But I'm looking for the day When there'll be nothing but love # And happiness is everywhere # Cos I believe some changes... # Got to be some changes! # Gotta make a change somewhere! # Oh yeah! # Carl, I think I've been pretty cool about this whole situation, and I hate having this conversation with you. But this is not exactly how I pictured us getting started. this conversation with you. But this is not exactly how I pictured us getting started. I know. Look, Dupree's got to go. No. It's not about kicking Dupree out. It's just that you said it was gonna be a couple of days. Look, Molly, he's my best friend. Somehow I feel responsible for him. Then, maybe it's time to start prioritising your responsibilities. You're right. What if... he had a girlfriend? Good idea. But how is a guy with no job, no car, living on somebody's couch, gonna find any kind of girlfriend? Our new librarian. She seems really nice. You want to fix Dupree up with a really nice librarian? Listen, I know the guy for 25 years. I think he's more into the young, foreign, non-librarian type. Listen, I know the guy for 25 years. Well, it wouldn't hurt to ask. foreign, non-librarian type. Listen, I know the guy for 25 years. Well, it wouldn't hurt to ask. I wouldn't get my hopes up. I'll do it. Well, it wouldn't hurt to ask. I wouldn't get my hopes up. I'll do it. Oh, that's great. Do you want to know anything about her? No. Does she have a car? Yeah. She does. Good. See if she can swing by and get me around 8:00, or quarter to. Tonight? Please. OK. Candy? Mandy. Mandy. That's even better. Librarian... (GIGGLES) No... No. I thought you were really brave. I mean, I have a whole new respect for you, Carl. The rice was OK, but for the record, octopus does not taste like chicken. new respect for you, Carl. The rice was OK, but for the record, octopus does not taste like chicken. But you ate it. "(MUFFLED ROCK MUSIC)" What is that? Funky Cold Medina? Looks like Dupree brought his date home. Honey, what is a tie doing on our door? Molly, I think we ought to drive around the block a couple times. Oh. Wait a minute. No way. Mandy's a Mormon. She's not that kind of girl. A Mormon? Busy on the first date. You fixed Dupree up with a Mormon librarian? Molly, wait! (SHRIEKS) Oh, my God. What? Let's drive around the block. Carl! That butter dish was a wedding gift! Guys! What was he doing with butter? Dupree, no need to explain. It's not what it looks like. Go back in! Not before I thank Molly for the best night of my life. Mol, Mol. Thank you. What happened in there, it was so natural. I've got neighbours. I know you do. But I'm in love. I'm not doing this with you! (SCREAMING) Jesus! Molly, call the fire department! Oh, my... Mandy! (SCREAMING) Mandy! Mandy! Fire in our house! It's fire! My couch! Roll! God, I loved this couch. You know, when I saw you on fire, my heart stopped. I had so much adrenaline pumping through me, I could have picked up this car and hurled it 10 blocks. Are you gonna do this, or am I gonna have to? I'll take care of it. Tonight, Carl. (SIGHS) (WHISPERS) Get out of here. I'm not responsible for what these hands are gonna do. Bye. You OK? Yeah. Yeah, just a little smoke inhalation. Wow. Unbelievable. Mandy was completely unharmed. The Fire Chief said that the butter probably saved her life. You talk about a miracle. You just got to thank the big man. It's all you can... What is wrong with you? Why did you have to use so many candles? I was just trying to set a mood. You know how I am, Carl. Yeah. I do. Look... (SIGHS) It's about time you got on the road. You guys need any help? No, we're good. Relax. Well, I had a lovely stay. Thank you both for your generosity. Sorry about last night. No hard feelings. I hope. At least, there are none on my part. OK... Are you sure you got a place to go? Yeah. I got a place to go. Going to Mandy's. The librarian? Yeah. I got a place to go. Going to Mandy's. The librarian? Don't you think that's kind of moving a little quickly? Maybe it is, but something special is happening. I won't fight it. Hey, take care of this big mook for me. Bye. See you guys. Tosh, listen. You got the heart of a damn lion. I respect you. You took a beating, but you took it like a man. God bless all of you. Arrivederci! Goodbye! Off to Mandy's! (HORN) Oh, my God! Carl... OK! Sir, are you sure you're OK? My helmet saved me. You see that? He's gonna be fine. Here's your bag. Thank you. (BIKE CREAKS) Bye! Bye. (THUNDER) Carl. Carl? We've been staring at this for over two hours. Let's go get some dinner. Or margaritas. Celebrate our emancipation. (SIGHS) The insurance adjuster recommended that we sue Dupree. Celebrate our emancipation. (SIGHS) The insurance adjuster recommended that we sue Dupree. For... a moose head? (LAUGHS) Just curious. (CHUCKLES) It was the margarita that did it, wasn't it? It was the emancipation that did it. (RADIO) # "Smooth Operator" - Sade I like this song. (OUT OF TUNE) # Smooth ta-ta-ria... (LAUGHS) # She makes a smooth margarita # We had some good margaritas # Oh my God. What? Are you kidding me? What the hell is he doing? I thought he was going to Mandy's. Are you kidding me? What the hell is he doing? I thought he was going to Mandy's. Honey, I don't think he can see us. Maybe we should just keep going. It's pouring rain outside. Not that bad. Honey, look at him. What? Dammit. Molly. Molly! Dupree! (RADIO) # "Mandy" - Barry Manilow "# You came And you gave without taking... #" Dupree... Dupree, what are you doing? It's pouring rain outside. I don't know what I'm doing any more. Well, what about Mandy? Don't ask. (GASPS) Carl, can you get his bike? Come on. Let's go. Let's go home. Carl, honey, bike. Carl! I'm coming! now has even more choice, with a huge range of pizzas and sides, plus our delicious new cheese and garlic scrolls topped with parmesan and filled with tastier, stretchier mozzarella, I really appreciate this, guys. Trust me, no more open flames. I've learned my lesson. All right, well, it's been a long night, so I'm gonna go to bed. Dupree, try not to go to sleep with that head wet. OK? (WHISPERS) Good night, Molly. Dupree... I don't mean to come down on you, but you need to start getting your life together. We're grown-ups now. Yeah. You know what I mean? I know. I know. You're right. And if you're going to stay here, things are gonna be different. No more naked stuff. Well, it felt natural to be naked. I don't care! OK. I do not care. Clean up after yourself, watch the noise, try to help out around the house, please? It's not too much to ask. You're right. Carl... I can be really helpful when I set my mind to it, and that's what I'm gonna do. Oh, and, er... ...another thing. Would you mind writing some thank-you notes for me? OK. Yeah? That'd be great. Erm... Try to get some sleep. (SIGHS) (WHISPERS) Gut-check time, Dupree... (SIGHS) # "Train In Vain" - The Clash # You say you stand by your man # Tell me something I don't understand # You said you love me And that's a fact # Then you left me You said you felt trapped # Well, some things You can explain away # But my heartaches in me Till this day...! # Did you stand by me? No, not at all # Did you stand by me? # No way # Did you lie... When you spoke to me? # Did you stand by me? # No, not at all # Now I got a job # But it don't pay... # "Dear Aunt Kathy, thank you so much for... the wine glasses." # Without your love... (CRACKING) # I won't make it through # But you don't understand My point of view # I suppose There's nothing I can do...! # Did you stand by me? No, not at all # Will you stand by me? # Ooh... Will you stand by me? # Did you lie... When you spoke to me? # (PHONE RINGS) "And this is the point of the race, where speed will play a major factor and long months of training certainly pay off." Hello! Yeah, Dupree. I'm gonna need you to do me a solid. Yeah, no problem. I promised Molly I'd give this Career Day presentation today at 1:00. But her father just dropped the big one on me, so I'm gonna need you to step in and... fill in for me. I don't know the first thing about the development business. Mr Thompson might find me in over my head. No, not the development business. School, Dupree. "I need you to fill in for me at Molly's school." No! Not this time. What? I'm talking to Lance Armstrong. He's trying to break away. Will you quit dicking around with your little Huffy bike and listen! Hey, Molly. Dupree... Erm, what are you doing? Carl asked me to fill in. I guess there was some sort of... work conflict. What? Conflict? What kind of conflict? I don't know. I don't ask questions. I just ride to where I'm needed. But don't worry. I'm sort of a good public speaker. It's a Career Day presentation, Dupree. You don't have a job. I understand that. But here's what I'd love you to do. Please get Mandy here. I want her to see this. I think this will win her back. Now, where are these little rug rats? Erm, in the third door. Hey, how are ya? First of all, thank you for giving me the opportunity to come talk to you on Career Day. Now,... I am not Mr Carl Peterson, and I don't have a career per se. I guess you could say my career is living and loving. And I do that to the utmost. Is she coming? Keep going? OK. I see all you fresh-faced kidlets, sitting there in your neat little rows, and you're all just pods. Pods, waiting for your instructions. Some of you will get zapped right away and be 15-year-old prodigies, little midget Olympic gymnasts with their pictures on cereal boxes. Some of you will go to college and find your rhythm there, and chase the titans of industry, or maybe straighten out the UN. But some of you, and this is the group that no-one ever comes into Career Day and addresses, and it's criminal, some of you are just gonna float along, eating spicy foods, humming black people's music into your 30s, well into your 30s, languishing. This group of pods is gonna do a lot of languishing. And you're gonna take some heat for it. Sadly, you will. (SIGHS) Europe's a little easier. They seem to understand a little better. So does South America. (SIGHS) I went to Argentina and everyone just seemed to be sitting around. It was beautiful. But that's OK. You stay loose. Stay liquid. Laugh a lot. But be ready. That's what Dupree's doing with his life's little pod. Staying nimble. Till I get the call from the mother ship. My raison d'etat. Then I'd fight. Then you'll see Dupree throwing seven different kinds of smoke! That's fine. The pods that were supposed to hear this did. It'll kick in when it needs to. I'm done here. I told ya. Now, do you think it went over their head? No. It was good. They got it. They got it. Now, where's Mandy? We got to get her here! Dupree, Mandy has to... She had a... She had a book... that was... lost... I'm sorry, Dupree. Dupree, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. There's something you need to know about Mandy. (SIGHS) It turns out she's a total slut and slept with half the male faculty. (SIGHS) It turns out she's a total slut and slept with half the male faculty. What? No... I'm sorry. My Mandy? Yeah. Sorry, Dupree. I'd never have set you up with her if I knew. Ever. (TEACHER) OK, kids, back inside. Ever. With that guy? Yeah... (GROANS) (JANITOR HUMS) Afraid so. He's not even on the faculty! There really aren't any more Audrey Hepburns out there, are there? Oh, what a sucker... Dupree... Dupree... and do something with your garden and do something with your garden and make yourself proud. So when your neighbours and and make yourself proud. So when your neighbours and friends come over they can go wow, this is great. # BUNNINGS WAREHOUSE # You talk to Sam about the zoning issues? Yeah. And to be honest with you, sir, they're in flux. I go to the bank in days. I can't have "in flux". I realise that, sir. I'll get on it right away. Just sit down. You know, there's something you said to me a few days ago that I just cannot get out of my mind. Something... about you and Molly having children. Oh, right. Yeah, no, that was... hypothetical. That's not something that we're talking about doing any time soon. You know what I did, Carl, when I started dating again? talking about doing any time soon. You know what I did, Carl, when I started dating again? No idea. I got a vasectomy. A vasectomy? Yeah. OK... That's a little extreme, don't you think? Not really. It's a mild outpatient procedure. Local anaesthesia, snip-snip, sit on frozen peas for a night. Voila. I mean, that was it, and it's... ...one hundred percent effective. Yeah. And one hundred percent permanent. Carl, read the literature. It is reversible,... seventy percent of the time. OK, see you get your shit together, all right? I want it back on my desk, this zoning stuff, by today. Thank you, Carl... "All right?" Fine. How are you? (TV) "Fine. How are you?" Oh, fine. "Say, you know, you were great back there." "You weren't so bad yourself." "Guess we'd better get Irving's car and get out of here." So, you really were serious about Audrey Hepburn, huh? She had it all. Style, grace, ethereal beauty. Just like I thought Mandy did. I don't know. I have a hard time imagining Audrey Hepburn getting buttered up to Funky Cold Medina. Really? Mmm. I don't. "The Mouth of Truth." "The legend is that if you're given to lying and you put your hand in, it will be bitten off." I'm still trying to understand why Carl didn't show up today. I know he's under a lot of pressure right now, but just lately he seems like a different person. No, he's just working really hard. He gets like that sometimes. Well, maybe if he opened up a little bit more. Look, Carl's never gonna be mistaken for the great communicator. I mean, just mention the word "feelings" or "emotion," and you watch his eyes glaze over. He just puts up a wall. Well, how do you get past it? I think you just fight through it. Patience. That's what I did. I ask a lot of questions. I let him know that I care. And I just pray he drops his guard, cos when he does, it's so worth it. "Argh!" "(SCREAMS)" Agh! "Hello." "You beast!" It gets me every time and I know it's coming. So, Dupree did a good job? Did he mention the mother ship? Actually, in a weird way, he was really inspiring. I didn't know he was so sensitive. Did you know he writes poetry? Poetry? Yeah. Man, what a homo. Wow... That is... really mature, Carl. Honey, I'm sorry I didn't make it today. What is going on with you lately? Oh, nothing. I'm... fine. You are clearly not fine, Carl. So, why don't you meet me halfway here, please? All right. You want to know what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. I think your father hates me. What? Carl... (SIGHS) Carl, my father does not hate you. He gives you a big promotion, which you said was a dream come true. Did he do that because he hates you? That's exactly what I'm beginning to think. He's been systematically trying to emasculate me and sterilise me. Slow down, cos now you're not making any sense. Here's something that should make perfect sense to you. Everybody knows that your father, when he likes somebody, he invites them out on a little fishing trip. Fact - I've never been invited fishing. Not once. on a little fishing trip. Fact - I've never been invited fishing. Not once. You hate fishing. He doesn't know that. I'm telling you, Molly, he hates me. Look, Carl, I know how my father gets sometimes, I do. He pushes people when he wants results. And it's frustrating, I know. But he doesn't hate you. And I know you want to do a great job on this project, but it's taking over your life. And we're supposed to be having fun. Why don't you come home at a decent hour tomorrow night? Dupree wants to cook for us. We'll sit down, we'll have dinner, relax, talk about things other than work. And everything will be OK. You'll see. Fine. Fine. (KNOCK ON DOOR) Hey. You busy? No. Just catching up on some back issues. What's going on? (SIGHS) I wanted to ask you something. Yeah? Would you be offended if Thompson asked you to get a vasectomy? What? Why would he want me to get a vasectomy, Carl?! I barely know the man! Shh! Wait, Dupree! Yes, I'd be offended! No. Not you. That's not what I mean. Just what do you think of vasectomies? Cutting off my manhood? I think it's barbaric. No-one's getting near that part of my body. No-one, Carl. Unless, of course, it's a woman. And then she better not have a scalpel. Of course. Why would he want me to get a vasectomy? He doesn't want you to. It was a hypothetical question. OK. Forget I asked. Don't joke with me like that. Go back to reading. Mmm. Ooh. Watch that heat. Slow stirring, Molly. How are my game hens doing? Wow. Gorgeous. OK, get started on the salad. Put some walnuts in. I'll take care of this. How'd you learn all this? Most of it I picked up in a six-week series, Treasures of Tuscany. The garlic technique, however, I got from watching Goodfellas. I make an incredible risotto, but I want to keep it low carb tonight for Carl. He's let the wheels come off a bit. OK! Twenty minutes till the big guy gets here. Focus! We got to come together! Merlot - I want you to get it out, get it breathing. We're gonna use the 2005 Napa wine glasses Aunt Kathy gave us. How did you know Aunt Kathy gave us those wine glasses? He would have written them. Stop making excuses for him. I'm not. But I think that he would have if he - Stop doing that now because your buddy is wrong. OK? If he didn't want to write them, he should have just told me. And, big surprise, he's late again. Look, you know, forget him. You made this beautiful meal. Thank you. We'll sit here and enjoy it. We're gonna drink. And we're gonna eat. And we're gonna drink some more. Well, it's frustrating for me, too, cos I know he would have loved this. (MOLLY LAUGHS) (DUPREE LAUGHS) (BOTH LAUGH) I can't do it... Oh boy... I used to be able to touch it to the top of my nose. Really? Yeah. Oh wow. Can you do it? No. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Hey, guys. (SIGHS) There's a plate for you in the oven. OK, look, I'm sorry I'm a little late. I got hung up at work. (THUDDING) Would it have killed you to make a phone call? (THUDDING) Would it have killed you to make a phone call? No, Randolph, Randolph, wait! Sorry, Molly, but, dammit, Carl, you really press my buttons sometimes! Is he kidding? No. Now you've upset Randolph. "Randolph"? "Randolph"? You got to be kidding me! I know a Randy Dupree. I do not know a Randolph. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he prefers to be called Randolph? No, Molly, it never did. You know, the guy writes some bullshit poetry and suddenly he's got a new name. It turns out that's not the only thing he writes. Apparently, he is a whiz at thank-you notes! He told you about that? It just kind of slipped out. Oh, I bet it just kind of slipped out. The guy stabs his best friend in the back, he's getting drunk with his wife. What can I say? I'm kind of fun to get drunk with. Maybe you should try it sometime, because I'm here every night! I'd be delighted to try it but unlike your friend, Dupree, I've got a job. And what was with the groomsman shirt? That was a one-time deal, Molly. He was trying to look nice for you. Why are you coming down on Dupree? He's cooked low carb for you and you didn't show up. Low carb? What does that mean? He's on the whole health kick with the bicycling and Lance Armstrong. He's just trying to help you out. He's trying to help me out? That's a laugh, Molly. I'm the one who put a goddamn roof over his head! One! We put the roof over his head. And,... ...A! I mean, you haven't really been taking care of yourself. I can't remember the last time you exercised. And how many Twinkies have you had today? What are you talking about? Oh, Carl, please... There's, like, a million Twinkie wrappers on the floor of your car. You're not fooling anybody. All right, so I enjoy one occasionally. Is there something so wrong with that? Molly, I am under a great deal of stress. What do you want from me? Wait a minute. Is this the kind of thing that turns you on? Oh, Carl! Is this what turns you on? I was reading an article on Oprah. Well, I'm sorry I can't be one of your boy-band flavour of the weeks, with their enhanced frosted tips and their washboard bellies and their hairless backs! What's happening to us, Carl? I don't know what's happening to you, but apparently I'm getting fat! Families love perfect pizza. With more fresh ingredients, our DOM Pizza Checker quality guarantee, and any pizza from $15 delivered, with Domino's, everyone's happy. Nice. Looks like somebody's tired of getting sand kicked in their face. Good job. Good to see you living strong, buddy. Please. Would you listen to yourself? You get your first ten-speed bike, and suddenly you're Lance Armstrong. Let's leave Lance out of this. The guy's done more with one testicle than we can do with three. I know there's pressure at work and you and Molly have troubles. What?! No. I wasn't having any trouble until you arrived, Randolph. What's that supposed to mean? You know! I don't. You sold me out on the thank-you notes. What's with this,... this Roman Holiday obsession? I know you, Dupree. Your favourite movie's Fletch. No, sir. No, it's not. Fletch is in my top five, it's not my favourite. And the poetry? I think you're trying to show me up. Maybe I like poetry. Did that ever occur to you? Have I got to be the lovable fuck-up all my life to win your best friend prize? Maybe you should keep your award. I've got news for you, Dupree. You're not that lovable. I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that, Carl. Goodbye, Mr Grumpy. Ha! Oh. Sugar. Top shelf, behind the honey. Where? Top shelf, behind the honey. Oh, yeah. You got to reach for it. OK. Yeah, right there. Oh, God... You gotta reach. I'm reaching. Right there... Oh, goodness. (MOLLY WHINES) Right there. There's the sugar. Right behind the honey. Right there. You got it? Why do you do this to me? Oh! Got it... Mmm... So good. Bye, honey. (PHONE RINGS) "Hello?" (WHISPERS) Hello. Yes. Is Mandy there, please? "Is this Dupree calling again?" Yes, this is Dupree again. "Get it through your head. Mandy does not want to talk to you." OK, just tell her that I called. "Goodnight." Thank you. (SIGHS) Looks like we're going camping again, Murphy. Uh... (GASPS) Wah! Oh! Oh, God! Oh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't know you were down here. No, it's my fault. What in the hell is going on? Nothing, honey. Nothing. Nothing. Are you naked again? No, it's fine. We talked about this! I know we did, yes. Everyone's asleep, and here's lonely old Dupree, just waling away on himself. You weren't waling away on yourself. An animal wouldn't debase himself thus. What is happening to me? Is this one of my tube socks? Carl, please... Answer the question! Oh my God. Mine were dirty. Carl, stop it! Relax. Wait a minute. What are you even doing down here, Molly? Are you serious? It's a simple question. I couldn't sleep. I'm getting a broom. This is rock bottom. I was doing so good. Wasn't I doing good, Carl? Huh, buddy? Dupree, where did you find this? (WHISPERS) From a box marked "Carl's camping equipment" in the garage. You put the box away, didn't you? (WHISPERS) From a box marked "Carl's camping equipment" in the garage. You put the box away, didn't you? Yes. Yes. I'm 99 percent sure I put it away. I didn't realise you were such an outdoorsman, Carl. "Asian Assault"? Molly, let me explain. That was in the wrong section at the store. You'll lie to my face? I thought it was a kung fu movie. "Pacific Rim Job"? All right. That one I kind of knew about. Oh, "Beijing Bang Bang"? Carl?! Is this what our marriage has come to? Lies and Chinese fetish videos? I'm just curious! All right. I admit, Molly, that I was into Asian porn for a little while. But it was just a phase. Anyway, why am I the one who's on trial here? What? He's starching my sock, and you don't even bat an eyelash. I'm not married to him! I am married to you. Do something with that. Is there anything worse than having to throw away a porn collection? What's going on with you and Molly? What? You heard me. Are you in love with my wife? Have you lost your mind? What are you talking about? Just answer the question. Have you lost your mind? What are you talking about? Just answer the question. Whoa, hold on, Jake LaMotta. That's a sick question. How come you can't answer it? Whoa, hold on, Jake LaMotta. That's a sick question. How come you can't answer it? Because it doesn't deserve an answer. How can you ask me that? You're very clever, Dupree. You're living in my house, you're going to town on yourself in my living room and now you're moving in on my wife. You think you got it all figured out, but I'm on to you, and you're out of here! Oh, no. Hold on. You're not throwing me out of here. I'll leave! Good! And while you're at it, leave the flask and the groomsman's outfit! But you gave those to me. Those were gifts. All right! Keep those. But leave the insignia, because that was for my best man. Hey... It's for the best. The guy would have been living off us forever. Dinner is at 7:30 and my father will be here at 7:00, so... Molly... Maybe tonight isn't the best night to have your father over. Carl... Carl... Please, don't be late. Please. So, I hear the albacore are really biting this time of year. It's not albacore season, Carl. Oh... Really? "(PHONE RINGS)" I'll get that. It's right over here. Hello. Shh! Hold on. Carl, it's Neil. Did you actually throw away your porn collection? Look, Neil, I'm having a dinner party. I'm coming to get it. Going to Starbucks! Be back! Carl, I... read your new presentation. And how would you feel about Tony taking it from here? What? I hope you guys aren't talking business. Keep it at the office. No, no, no, not at all! We were... Oh my God. Is that Mom's crab cakes? They sure are. Rabbit, come here. Excuse me. They look exactly like Mom's. I can't believe it. Oh, yeah, go ahead, give it to Tony, Tony... Want to give it to Tony? Yeah, I have a pretty goddamn big problem with that! Is that what you're saying? Tony deserves it. Give it to Tony! Do you think I care? Go ahead. What are you doing? Son of a... Huh? Your father's got it out for me. Oh, Carl! No, no, no! You know he asked me to get a vasectomy?! What? He's crazy! First, this is my father you're talking about! (CRASHING) What was that? (GROANS) You... What the hell? Oh, my God. Dupree! What did I tell you?! Molly, don't! I slipped on the drainpipe. Let's get in the house. I didn't want to bother you guys. Put him out by the kerb! Carl... Why am I getting blamed for everything? What's going on here, Carl? Daddy, will you please grab Dupree's things? What? (COUGHS) VOICEOVER: Bisolvon attacks, weakens and helps defeat coughs. Need help defeating a cough? (YELPS) You know, Molly, I don't know that I really have time for dinner. I might... I really don't want to impose. Here. Maybe I... No. You're staying. You're gonna eat something. It's fine. You're eating. Have some salad. I put extra balsamic as you like it. Thanks. Eat something. Well, it does look tasty. Thank you. Sir? That's a beautiful Schwinn bike you got out there, Dupree. Thanks. It's not exactly state-of-the-art. It's about 25 years old, so sometimes it's tough to keep up with the other riders on the road. I don't buy that. Did you read Lance Armstrong's book, It's Not About The Bike? Touche. And it's true. It isn't about the bike. It's about here. It's about your heart. And that's the truth. I've said it to Carl... (PHONE RINGS) Did you see his seventh win? The final one? Carl, the phone. I've watched every one of those races. Did you ever cry? Oh, yeah. I defy you to watch that and not cry. Daddy, pass the wine, please? Hello. Hey, Carl. Hey! Hey. It's Neil. "OK, so is it in, like, the garbage, or did you recycle it?" Sleazebag! Get off my property! I'm tired of this crap! Get the hell out of here! Go home! Jackpot. (NEIL GIGGLES) It's a wrong number. You like to fish, Dupree? I'm not the world's best fisherman. But I did have one great adventure. True story. Off the coast of Baja during spring break, I spent four days reeling in this marlin - a big, old shit-kicker - I finally landed him. Four days? Well, I hope you mounted that son of a bitch. No. I didn't. Catch and release. Honour the fish. That's really noble. Dupree... How would you like to go fishing with me in my boat? Really? Yeah. Just the two of us. Chick-a-boom, chick-a-boom. (ECHOES) Why not? Hey, Bob, is it just me, or are the albacore really jumping? (BOTH LAUGH) You're funny! What type of fool thinks it's albacore season? Dupree, from now on, you call me "Dad." Yeah. Go out there. Maybe bring Molly along. Nice, Dupree. Need some of this? You sure you're OK with this, Bob? As long as it's not Carl, you can do anything you want with her. (GROWLS) Agh! Poetry, Aunt Kathy, librarian-banging, backstabbing, bike-riding, couch-burning masturbator! Carl, get off of him! You ruined my life! Get a hold of yourself! Oh my God! I will not get a hold of myself! This is my house! Are you kidding me?! What are you gonna do, hit me with that thing? You gonna hit me? Carl, stop it! Come on! I dare ya! Argh! Dad! He dared me. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Don't tell me you want the porn back, because you can't have it! Why is it all Asian? Whoa, what's with the bag of frozen peas, man? There was a blow-out at the house. My wallet's still there. I need a place to stay. I've got nowhere to go. You want to stay here? Yeah. Yeah... That'll be fun. That'll be really cool. Let me ask Annie. Yo, Annie. What?! Carl wants to stay here. Carl?! Oh, really? I just got off the phone with Molly. He cannot stay! He needs somewhere... No! Tell him to leave! Now! I said fine! Look, er, I don't know what you did, but she just talked to Molly. She's freaked out at you right now, man. Neil, what are you saying? I can't come into your house right now? You cannot come in here. She said so, man. She makes the rules. I don't need this, Neil. I don't need this. I don't need this! I'm sorry! Neil, get back in here! She controls what I do! Guys' night. Thursday. I'll see you there. Frankly, Molly, I'm worried about your safety. Maybe I should have Paco come stay at the house. Dad, I don't need this right now. Molly, I love you more than anything, but you're an idealist. You don't see the world the way it is. The doc says most of my injuries are emotional. Dad. I'm going to ask you something. Remember, you've never lied to me. Do you ever really want my marriage to work? That's a really complicated question, Molly. No. Actually, it's not. Dupree. Molly? Molly... Bob, before I go, I have my own question for you. And remember, you've never lied to me either, as far as I know. Who did you really want to get a vasectomy? Me? Or was it, in fact, Carl? Take care of your neck, Dupree. OK, Bob. (SLIGHT CLATTERING) (SLIGHT CLATTERING) Carl? He didn't come home last night. He loves you, Molly. (SIGHS) I know. I know. Maybe it's just not enough. It has to be enough. It is enough. Dupree, you gotta piece this beautiful thing back together again. It took 36 years, 9 months, and 23 days for the mother ship to speak. Well, guess what? Dupree hears you. Families love perfect pizza. With more fresh ingredients, our DOM Pizza Checker quality guarantee, and any pizza from $15 delivered, with Domino's, everyone's happy. What's going on, Dupree? We got an emergency. That's why I gave you permission to miss school. Carl's missing. He ran away from home last night. It's up to us to find him. I don't know what he's capable of. If he attacks you, go limp. Play dead. That's what I did, and I think it saved my life. Toshi, pass out flyers. Give them to everybody. OK, Nancy, go to Neil's house. OK, I'm on it. Cesar, get up here. I want you to hit the grocery store. Got it. Thompson, Land Development. Be careful here. Go! Go! Fall out! And if you see him, call someone. Do the buddy system. Run! # "Love Removal Machine" - The Cult I'm just looking for this guy, Carl Peterson, if you see him. I've just lost my friend, Carl Peterson. Here you go. Just stand there. Put your head through this. # Baby! Baby! Baby! Carl! # I fell from the sky! # Love removal! # Here you go. I'm looking for a friend. # Removal machine! # Soul stealer! # And he took his hat. That was real. His American Legion hat. The colonel. Give us a break. (LAUGHTER) Back again, huh? Just came in to make a pit stop. Well, that's good cos your cot's been taken. What's he talking about? In case you think I'm still in love with Molly, maybe you should take a look at these. They're all about Mandy. Love poems. Sonnets. Little ditties, haikus. I loved her. How come you never told me you wrote poems? I don't know. I guess I figured you'd call me a homo. Well, I guess I might have. Listen, if there's one thing I know about, it's loving and losing. But you can't lose unless you stop - Look, Dupree, I'm not in the mood for a soliloquy. My life's in the shitter right now. It is. But what are you gonna do? Quit? So what if you made some mistakes? Everybody does. So what if her dad hates you? Think you're the first guy to be hated by his father-in-law? So what if he beat your ass with a candlestick? That's probably happened before. The point is, somewhere along the road, you lost your magic. Your Carlness went right out the window. What's with this "Carlness"? It's not even a real word. Yes, it is. Oh, it is? It's a verb. It's a conjunction, a preposition, it's a philosophy, a way of life. It's your name with "ness" attached to it. Bullshit. There's never been any Carlness. There's just Carl. Well, I'm glad we got that straightened out. My mistake. The truth is, I never thought you and Molly were right for each other. There was something about her I never bought from Jump Street. That whole, "Hey, look at me. I'm a great person. I always smile." "I'm pretty. I'm smart. I work with inner city kids." Get the hell out. I saw through that sham and you did, too. If you want the truth, frankly, I'd blame her. Now, wait! No! Hold on a second! Your life is going to hell in a hand basket! Molly is the best thing that ever happened to me! Leave her out of this. Sure she is. Did you see what just happened? When I tricked you. All of a sudden you had that instinct to fight, that Carlness. That's what this situation needs. It's crying out for it. I'm trying to get it back, that fight, the will to fight. You're thinking... Come on. What do you got? Dupree, get your helmet. Shit. (SIGHS) Paco's on duty. Hey, can you get me 10 minutes in there? I'll get you 15. Hold on a second. He's a lot faster than he looks. Hello there. I have a message I need to deliver. Do you have identification? No. (CHUCKLES) I just got the old bike here. Pretty obvious I'm a bike messenger. Hoo. What are you, Samoan? (CHUCKLES) What do you think? Could be Greek. Could be Italian. Either way, you're a big man. It's OK, I specialise in big men. Where is your message? I keep 'em up here. Saves on the paperwork. All right. Have a good day. Maybe I'll see you around. (WHISTLES) Come on... Hold it. (SIGHS) They said you were quick. Easy now, big'un. I got to tell ya, you're catching me on a day where I'm throwing seven different kinds of smoke. Yeah? Let's see them. That's what I thought. That's number one! Wanna play chase? OK, let's chase. OK, here we go. Here we go. Up or down? Up or down? Down! (SQUIRTING) Gotcha! Missed! Number two! Mr Peterson-Thompson? Where is he? (DUPREE PANTS) Heads up! Guy in chair - number three! Did you see that? I got him. Dispatch, lock down the building. That was my number four. What's number five? I can't tell you. I don't know myself. Nice job, weasel. Now it's on! (WHISPERS) Number five - invisible. (WOMAN) What is he doing? You can manufacture these for $90 a square foot. You sell them at $400 a square foot. 25 in this whole arena right here. You can do the advertisement... (KNOCKING) ..."50... million... ...square feet." Come here, weasel! Number six! Open it. The building is locked down. I need a number seven. Oh shit. I need a number seven! Yeah...? You want Samoa? I'll give you Samoa! (GROWLS / SHOUTS) Excuse me. Pardon me. For the last 14 hours, all I've thought about is kicking your ass. Don't make me look for another candlestick, Carl. I've taken you down once. I could do it again. Not today, Bob. Not today. I'll go get Paco. Yeah... You go get Paco. You've done everything you can to undermine me - intimidate me, humiliate me, you bastardised my project to the point where it's unrecognisable. But here's the thing, Bob. I don't care. I don't care about this job or about you. I care about Molly. She means everything in the world to me. And if you're going to stand in the way of me trying to win her back, bring a pretty big candlestick. Carl? Hey, Carl. You, erm... Will you all excuse us? Can everybody... go? You know, Carl, I've been thinking... ...maybe I was a little rough on you. A little? But you got to understand, you know, I love Molly, too. And I've been having a really, really tough time letting go of her. You asked me to get a vasectomy. Yeah, that was... a little excessive. I apologise. I'm not gonna hyphenate my name, Bob. I know. (CREAKING) Argh! Argh... Ugh... # "Fix You" - Coldplay # Lights will guide... you home # And ignite your bones # And I will try... # To fix you... There's Carl and Dupree. Dupree found Carl! # Tears stream... # Down your face... # When you lose something # You cannot replace... He's on his own now. # Tears stream... Molly? # Down your face... # I promise you I will learn from my mistakes... Molly? Molly! # Tears stream... # Down your face... # And I... # Lights will guide... you home # And I will try... # To fix you # Molly... I'm sorry. Don't ever walk out on me again. Ever. I know. I lost it. I didn't know what I was doing any more. I don't always know what I'm doing, either. But we are in this together - when it's good, when it's bad. Yeah. I mean, so you launched yourself across our dining room table at your best friend like a crazy person. Mmm... I guess I - But, Carl... I know who you are. And I love who you are. And that's why we don't walk out on each other. I love you, Molly. And I promise you, I'm not going anywhere. Yes! (ALL KIDS CHEER) My work is done here! "Three is a magic number" - Blind Melon # Yeah, it is, it's the magic number # Three times six is eighteen Three times five is fifteen # Three times four is twelve And three time three is nine # And three times two is six... Who wants some ice cream? Go down there and you get it! Go! # There were three... in the family # And that's a magic number... # Yeah! Argh... 'Life may knock you down. Scratch that!' I'm OK! Life will knock you down. OK? It'll kick you in the gut and knock you to the kerb. But you can't let it rob you of your "ness". Now what's "ness"? It's your name plus "ness". You, sir, white-haired gentleman, what's your name? My name's Joe. No! It's Joeness! You follow me? Listen to me. Hang on to that, and as long as you do, you'll always be ready. Because when that moment comes, and trust me, it will come, that's when you start throwing seven different kinds of smoke! Seven different kinds of smoke! The mother ship hears you! Paco! Hit it! # "Bust A Move" - Young MC # Bust it! "(RAP MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)" Yeah! Thank you. Hoo-hoo... # This here's a jam For all the fellas # Tryin' to do what Those ladies tell us # Get shot down Cos you're over-zealous #