(BELLS RINGING) ('DECK THE HALLS' PLAYING) AH, THERE IT IS. MY HOUSE AT GOOD OLD CLEVELAND STREET. HOW COULD I EVER FORGET IT? THERE I AM WITH THAT DUMB, ROUND FACE AND STUPID STOCKING CAP. BUT NO MATTER. CHRISTMAS WAS ON ITS WAY. LOVELY, GLORIOUS, BEAUTIFUL CHRISTMAS, AROUND WHICH THE ENTIRE KID-YEAR REVOLVED. (BAND PLAYING DECK THE HALLS) DOWNTOWN HULMAN WAS PREPARED FOR ITS YEARLY BACCHANALIA OF PEACE ON EARTH AND GOOD WILL TO MEN. (BAND PLAYING JINGLE BELLS) # GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN # THAT JESUS CHRIST IS BORN # GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN... # (BAND PLAYING JINGLE BELLS) (BAND PLAYING GOOD KING WENCESLAS) HIGBEE'S CORNER WINDOW WAS TRADITIONALLY A HIGH-WATER MARK OF THE PRE-CHRISTMAS SEASON. FIRST NIGHTERS, PACKED EARMUFF TO EARMUFF, JOSTLED IN WONDERMENT BEFORE A GOLDEN, TINKLING DISPLAY OF MECHANISED ELECTRONIC JOY. AH! THERE IT IS! THE HOLY GRAIL OF CHRISTMAS GIFTS! THE RED RYDER 200-SHOT RANGE MODEL AIR RIFLE! AND THERE HE IS. RED RYDER HIMSELF. IN HIS HAND WAS THE KNURLED STOCK OF AS COOLLY DEADLY-LOOKING A PIECE OF WEAPONRY AS EVER I HAD LAID EYES ON. FOR WEEKS, I SCHEMED TO GET MY MITTS ON ONE OF THESE FEARSOME BLUE-STEEL BEAUTIES. MY FEVERED BRAIN SEETHED WITH THE EFFORT OF TRYING TO COME UP WITH THE INFINITELY SUBTLE DEVICES NECESSARY TO IMPLANT THE RED RYDER AIR RIFLE INDELIBLY INTO MY PARENTS' SUBCONSCIOUS. RALPHIE! RANDY! GET DOWN HERE IN TWO MINUTES! I MEAN TWO MINUTES! COME ON, RALPHIE! I GOT HERE FIRST! CUT IT OUT. MY MOTHER, GRABBING HER COPY OF LOOK MAGAZINE, WOULD FIND HERSELF CLEVERLY TRAPPED INTO READING A RED RYDER SALES PITCH. THEY TRADED BULLFROG. I DON'T BELIEVE IT. WHAT? THE SOX TRADED BULLFROG, THE ONLY PLAYER THEY GOT FOR SHOTTENHOFFEN. FOUR-EYES SHOTTENHOFFEN, A UTILITY INFIELDER. GOT A WHOLE DAMN TEAM OF UTILITY INFIELDERS. THAT'S NICE. RALPHIE, ON THE DOUBLE! THIS GUY SWALLOWED A YO-YO. A YO-YO? YEAH. ON A BET. SOME CLODHOPPER DOWN IN GRIFFITH, INDIANA. THERE'S THE SILLIEST THINGS IN THE NEWSPAPERS. WHAT'S SILLY? THAT'S REAL NEWS. THAT'S NOT LIKE THAT POLITICS SLOP. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE LONE RANGER'S NEPHEW'S HORSE? HIS NAME IS VICTOR. HOW DID YOU KNOW? EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT. IS THAT ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR SILLY PUZZLES? YEAH. IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF MY SILLY PUZZLES. COULD BE WORTH 50,000 BUCKS. WHAT KIND IS IT? NAME THE GREAT CHARACTERS IN AMERICAN LITERATURE. VICTOR? THE LONE RANGER'S NEPHEW'S HORSE? MEANWHILE, I STRUGGLED FOR EXACTLY THE RIGHT BB GUN HINT. BUD SAW GRIZZLY BEARS NEAR PULASKI'S STORE. THEY LOOKED AT ME AS IF I HAD LOBSTERS CRAWLING OUT OF MY EARS. I COULD TELL I WAS IN IMMINENT DANGER OF OVERPLAYING MY HAND. CASUALLY, I SWITCHED TACTICS. HEY, DAD! BET YOU NEVER GUESS WHAT I GOT YOU FOR CHRISTMAS. A NEW FURNACE. THAT'S A GOOD ONE, DAD. MY OLD MAN WAS ONE OF THE MOST FEARED FURNACE FIGHTERS IN NORTHERN INDIANA. HURRY! YOU'LL BE LATE FOR SCHOOL! YEAH, I'M RUNNING LATE ALREADY. ROUND ONE WAS OVER. PARENTS 1, KIDS ZIP. I COULD FEEL THE CHRISTMAS NOOSE BEGINNING TO TIGHTEN. MAYBE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WAS INEVITABLE. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS? HORRIFIED, I BLURTED IT OUT. A RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION 200-SHOT AIR RIFLE. OOH! NO. SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT. IT WAS THE CLASSIC MOTHER BB-GUN BLOCK. "YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT." THAT DEADLY PHRASE UTTERED BY HUNDREDS OF MOTHERS WAS NOT SURMOUNTABLE BY ANY MEANS KNOWN TO KID-DOM. BUT SUCH WAS MY DESIRE FOR A RED RYDER, I IMMEDIATELY BEGAN TO REBUILD THE DIKE. I WAS JUST KIDDING, EVEN THOUGH FLICK IS GETTING ONE. I'D LIKE TINKER TOYS. TINKER TOYS? SHE'D NEVER BUY IT. BB GUNS ARE DANGEROUS. YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT. RANDY, WILL YOU EAT? THERE ARE STARVING PEOPLE IN CHINA. UGH! MOTHERS KNOW NOTHING ABOUT CREEPING MARAUDERS BURROWING THROUGH THE SNOW TOWARD THE KITCHEN, WHERE ONLY YOU ALONE STAND BETWEEN YOUR TINY, HUDDLED FAMILY AND INSENSATE EVIL. SAVE US! DON'T LET ME DIE! SAVE US! I JUST KNEW THOSE BAD GUYS WOULD COME FOR US IN THE END. DON'T WORRY, DAD. AS LONG AS I GOT OL' BLUE. WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE, FOLKS? WELL, WE FIGURE IT'S BLACK BART, RALPH. IT'S JUST ME AND MY RED RYDER CARBINE ACTION 200-SHOT AIR RIFLE. LUCKY THE STOCK HAS A COMPASS. BETTER HAVE A LOOK. OH NO! IT'S... OL' BLUE! OL' BLUE! OH NO! OH NO! CHEESE IT, BOYS! THE JIG IS UP! OWW! AAH! HE'S A DEADEYE, AIN'T HE? OH, HE'S GETTING 'EM! OHH! OK, RALPHIE. YOU WIN THIS TIME. BUT WE'LL BE BACK. ADIOS, BART. BUT IF YOU DO COME BACK, YOU'LL BE PUSHING UP DAISIES. DON'T YOU FORGET IT! RALPHIE, YOU SAVED US! YOU SAVED US! HALLELUJAH! (DOOR SLAMS) ...SINCE I BOUGHT AN OLDSMOBILE! DAMN PILE OF JUNK! THAT HOT DAMN OLDS HAS FROZE UP AGAIN! SOME MEN ARE BAPTISTS, OTHERS CATHOLICS. MY FATHER WAS AN OLDSMOBILEMAN. THAT SON OF A BITCH WOULD FREEZE UP IN SUMMER! LITTLE PITCHERS... HOLD IT! SHH. (PIPES CLANGING) AHA! IT'S A CLINKERRR! THAT BLASTED, STUPID FURNACE! DADGUMMIT! (FOOTSTEPS) (FALLING DOWN STEPS) DAMN SKATES! (COUGHING) OPEN UP THE DAMPER! WHO THE HELL TURNED IT DOWN? AGAIN! AH, BLASTED @$`?&% RATTLETRAP! (CLANKING PIPES) YOU @`!&% BEAST! (CRASH) RATTLE @`&$!! IN THE HEAT OF BATTLE, MY FATHER WOVE A TAPESTRY OF OBSCENITY THAT IS STILL HANGING IN SPACE OVER LAKE MICHIGAN. DAMN DOLLYWOP DUMB @`$%&!! PREPARING FOR SCHOOL WAS LIKE GETTING READY FOR EXTENDED DEEP-SEA DIVING. UHH! UHH! UHH! OH! MOM! WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE! DON'T WORRY. MY BROTHER LOOKED LIKE A TICK ABOUT TO POP. MMM! WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT! MMM. MMM! OH. MMMM! WHAT IS IT? I CAN'T PUT MY ARMS DOWN! WAAH! EUHH! PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN AT SCHOOL. WAHH! * WAAAH! (ANGRY SHOUTING) (INDISTINCT SHOUTING CONTINUES) - (PIPES CLANGING) - AHA! HA! WAAAH! HEY, FLICK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE? PICKING GOOBERS? I ASKED MY OLD MAN ABOUT STICKING YOUR TONGUE TO METAL LIGHT POLES IN WINTER. IT'LL FREEZE TO THE POLE. WHAT WOULD HE KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING? HE SAW A GUY STICK HIS TONGUE TO A RAILROAD TRACK. THE FIRE DEPARTMENT HAD TO GET IT OFF THE TRACK. COME ON, GUYS! WAIT UP! COME ON, GUYS. WAIT UP. HEY, KID! I CAN'T GET UP. I CAN'T GET UP! RALPHIE! I CAN'T GET UP, RALPHIE! COME ON, FLICK, WAIT UP FOR ME. I CAN'T GET UP! RALPHIE! GET UP. SIT UP. WAAA! YOU'RE OK. YOU'RE ALL RIGHT. (SCHOOL BELL RINGING) SHH! HERE SHE COMES! MISS SHIELDS! ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE. TAKE YOUR SEATS, PLEASE. GOOD MORNING, CLASS. GOOD MORNING, MISS SHIELDS! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! OPEN YOUR BOOKS TO PAGE 32. AS YOU'LL REMEMBER, SILAS MARNER-- OHH! OHH! YOUR OLD MAN IS FULL OF BEANS. OH, YEAH? SAYS WHO? SAYS ME! YEAH? WELL, I DOUBLE DARE YOU. THE EXACT EXCHANGE AND NUANCE OF PHRASE IN THIS RITUAL IS VERY IMPORTANT. STICK MY TONGUE TO THAT STUPID POLE? THAT'S DUMB. YOU KNOW IT'LL STICK. YOU'RE FULL OF IT. YEAH! OH, YEAH? I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU! NOW IT WAS SERIOUS. A DOUBLE DOG DARE. NEXT, A TRIPLE DARE YOU. FINALLY, THE COUP DE GRACE, THE SINISTER TRIPLE DOG DARE. I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU! HMM. SCHWARTZ CREATED A SLIGHT BREACH OF ETIQUETTE BY SKIPPING THE TRIPLE DARE. ALL RIGHT. GO ON, SMART ASS. DO IT. I'M GOING! FLICK'S SPINE STIFFENED. HIS LIPS CURLED IN A DEFIANT SNEER. THERE WAS NO GOING BACK NOW. THIS IS NOTH-- STUCK? STUCK? STUCK! STUCK! STUCK! AAH! GEE! IT REALLY WORKS! LOOK AT HIM! I'M STUCK! (RING) WHAT SHOULD WE DO? AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! DON'T LEAVE! RALPHIE, COME BACK! DON'T LEAVE ME! THE BELL RANG! WHAT SHOULD WE DO? I DON'T KNOW! THE BELL RANG! DON'T LEAVE ME! COME BACK! COME BACK! AAH! WHERE'S FLICK? HAS ANYONE SEEN FLICK? FLICK WHO? HE WAS AT RECESS, WASN'T HE? RALPHIE, DO YOU KNOW WHERE FLICK IS? I SAID, HAS ANYONE SEEN FLICK? ESTHER? OH MY GOD! HOLY COW! IT'S THE FIRE DEPARTMENT! OH NO. IT'S THE COPS! NOW, I KNOW THAT SOME OF YOU PUT FLICK UP TO THIS. BUT HE HAS REFUSED TO SAY WHO. BUT THOSE WHO DID IT KNOW THEIR BLAME. AND I'M SURE THAT THE GUILT YOU FEEL IS FAR WORSE THAN ANY PUNISHMENT YOU MIGHT RECEIVE. NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL TERRIBLE? DON'T YOU FEEL REMORSE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE? THAT'S ALL I'M GOING TO SAY ABOUT POOR FLICK. ADULTS LOVE TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT. WE KNEW IT WAS ALWAYS BETTER NOT TO GET CAUGHT. NOW, BOYS AND GIRLS, I'M GIVING YOU AN ASSIGNMENT. I WANT YOU TO WRITE A THEME. YUCK! UGH! "WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS." AHA! THE CLOUDS LIFTED. I WANT IT TOMORROW MORNING. I SAW A FAINT LIGHT IN THE BLACK CAVE OF DOOM. I KNEW WHEN MISS SHIELDS READ MY MAGNIFICENT, ELOQUENT THEME, SHE WOULD SYMPATHISE WITH MY PLIGHT AND EVERYTHING WOULD WORK OUT. * BOY, DID YOU SEE HOW IT STUCK? DID IT HURT, FLICK? NAA. IT JUST CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD. YOU WERE BAWLING. I NEVER BAWLED! AW, BALONEY! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! SCUT FARKUS! SCUT FARKUS. WHAT A ROTTEN NAME. WE WERE TRAPPED. THERE HE STOOD. SCUT FARKUS, STARING OUT AT US WITH HIS YELLOW EYES. HE HAD YELLOW EYES, SO HELP ME GOD. RARR! (SCREAMING) RAARR!! HA HA HA! HA HA! RARR! GROVER DILL, FARKUS' CRUMMY LITTLE TOADY. MEAN, ROTTEN. HIS LIPS CURLED OVER HIS GREEN TEETH. RANDY LAY THERE LIKE A SLUG-- HIS ONLY DEFENCE. RAARRR!! AAH! AAH! AAH! SAY UNCLE! UNCLE! UNCLE. UNCLE! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! LOUDER! I CAN'T! IN OUR WORLD YOU WERE EITHER A BULLY, A TOADY, OR ONE OF THE NAMELESS VICTIMS. ALL RIGHT. WHO'S NEXT? RAARR!! ALL: AAH! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! OW! MAN! IN KID-DOM'S JUNGLE, THE MIND SWITCHES GEARS RAPIDLY. I HAD SENT AWAY FOR MY LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE SECRET SOCIETY DECODER PEN. SKUNKED AGAIN. NO MATTER. I HAD SERIOUS WORK. "WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS." "A RED RYDER BB GUN "WITH A COMPASS IN THE STOCK. "EVERYBODY SHOULD HAVE A RED RYDER BB GUN. "THEY'RE VERY GOOD FOR CHRISTMAS. "I DON'T THINK A FOOTBALL IS A GOOD CHRISTMAS PRESENT." RARELY HAD THE WORDS POURED FROM MY PENCIL WITH SUCH FEVERISH FLUIDITY... (HONKS HORN) I WON! I WON! (DOGS GROWL) GET OUT OF HERE, YOU-- I WON! AHA. THE BUMPUS HOUNDS. OUR HILLBILLY NEIGHBOURS, THE BUMPUSES, HAD OVER 785 SMELLY HOUND DOGS. THEY IGNORED EVERYONE BUT MY OLD MAN. DAMN DOGS! (BARKING) I WON! I WON! I WON! WHAT? WHAT IS IT? A MAJOR PRIZE! I WON! LOOK AT THAT! A WESTERN UNION TELEGRAM! TONIGHT, TONIGHT! HOT DAMN, TONIGHT! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN HERE? IT MEANS IT'S COMING TONIGHT. I CALLED ERNIE MCCLOSKEY AT THE FREIGHT DEPOT. HE'LL SEND THE PRIZE TONIGHT. HAVE A CHEW, FELLAS, ON ME. IT'S MY DAY. MAYBE IT'LL BE ONE OF THOSE SPANISH HOUSES IN... (HOWLING) SERVES YOU RIGHT, SMELLY BUGGERS. ...OR A BOWLING ALLEY. A GUY FROM TERRE HAUTE WON ONE. HOW COULD THEY DELIVER A BOWLING ALLEY? THEY COULD SEND THE DEED, FOR CRIPES SAKE. I DIDN'T EXPECT THEY'D SEND THE WHOLE BOWLING ALLEY. HOW ABOUT EATING? I'M STARVING. GETTING RICH IS HARD WORK, KID. EVERY FAMILY HAS A KID WHO WON'T EAT. MY BROTHER HAD NOT EATEN VOLUNTARILY IN OVER THREE YEARS. RANDY, DON'T PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD. EAT IT! AW, GEE! STARVING PEOPLE WOULD HAPPILY TAKE THAT. CAN I HAVE MORE RED CABBAGE? AWW! STOP PLAYING, OR I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT. EAT OR YOU'LL BE SORRY. AWW! WHOA, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE? MY MOTHER HADN'T HAD A HOT MEAL IN 15 YEARS. MEAT LOAF. MEAT LOAF. DOUBLE BEET LOAF. I HATE MEAT LOAF! WHERE'S MY PLUMBER'S HELPER? I'LL OPEN UP HIS MOUTH AND SHOVE IT IN. RANDY. MOTHER WAS MORE SUBTLE. HOW DO PIGGIES GO? OINK OINK! RIGHT. OINK, OINK. SHOW ME HOW THE PIGGIES EAT. THIS IS YOUR TROUGH. SHOW ME HOW PIGGIES EAT. SHOW MOMMY HOW THE PIGGIES EAT. OINK OINK! OH, NO. OINK OINK! OINK OINK! OINK OINK! HA HA HA! OINK OINK! MOMMY'S LITTLE PIGGY. (KNOCK ON DOOR) (KNOCK KNOCK) (KNOCK KNOCK) (KNOCK KNOCK) IT IS HERE. AHA! (KNOCK KNOCK) YEAH? PARKER? YEAH. WHAT IS IT? I DON'T KNOW. WHAT'S IN IT? BRING IT IN. OK, BOYS, MOVE YOUR TAILS. BRING IT RIGHT IN. BRING IT AHEAD. STRAIGHT AHEAD. THAT'S RIGHT. BRING IT RIGHT IN. THAT'S IT. LITTLE MORE. THAT'S IT. AH! WATCH THE LADY. AH! UH! UHH! THANKS A LOT, GUYS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. GET THE CROWBAR AND A HAMMER, RALPHIE. UH, FRA-GEE-LAY. IT MUST BE ITALIAN. THAT SAYS FRAGILE, HONEY. OH, YEAH. HERE WE GO. GEEZEREE! THEY DID A JOB ON THIS, YOU KNOW? HERE YOU GO. HOLD THIS. THERE WE ARE! MY GOD! THERE COULD BE ANYTHING IN THERE! GEEZ! MAYBE THEY FORGOT. IT'S GOT TO BE IN THERE. OH, BOY. OH, BOY. OH, BOY. LOOK AT THAT. WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT? WHAT IS IT? WELL, IT'S A LEG! WHAT IS IT? IT'S A LEG, LIKE ON A STATUE. A STATUE? YEAH. YEAH, A STATUE. RALPHIE! MY MOTHER INSINUATED HERSELF BETWEEN US AND THE STATUE. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? THIS IS A LAMP. IT WAS INDEED A LAMP. ISN'T THAT GREAT? WHAT A GREAT LAMP. I DON'T KNOW. HERE, HOLD IT. HOLD IT! THE OLD MAN'S EYES BOGGLED. OH, WOW! OVERCOME BY ART. I KNOW JUST THE PLACE FOR IT. RIGHT IN OUR FRONT WINDOW. AH... AAH... YEAH. YEAH. WATCH IT. LET'S SEE. UH-HUH. AAH! OH, JESUS. WHEW! HONEY? NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE, UH... THIS GOES TO THE RADIO. THIS GOES... THIS GOES... WELL, THERE'S JUST ONE TOO MANY. A FEW SPARKS, A QUICK WHIFF OF OZONE, AND THE LAMP BLAZED FORTH IN UNPARALLEL GLORY. OH, LOOK AT THAT! LOOK AT THAT. ISN'T THAT GLORIOUS? IT'S...IT'S INDESCRIBABLY BEAUTIFUL. REMINDS ME OF THE 4TH OF JULY. LET'S SEE IT FROM THE STREET. I'LL GET THE DINING ROOM. COULDN'T WE TALK THIS OVER? HONEY. MOVE IT TO THE RIGHT. A LITTLE THAT WAY! JUST A LITTLE... A LITTLE MORE TO THE RIGHT. THAT'S IT. WONDERFUL. HEY, PARKER, WHAT IS THAT? DON'T BOTHER ME. WHAT'S THAT? A MAJOR AWARD. A MAJOR AWARD? I WOULDN'T HAVE KNOWN. IT LOOKS LIKE A LAMP. IT IS A LAMP. IT'S A MAJOR AWARD. I WON IT. YOU WON IT? YEAH. MIND POWER, SWEDE. MIND POWER. THE ENTIRE NEIGHBOURHOOD WAS TURNED ON. YOU SHOULD SEE IT FROM OUT HERE! IT WAS SEEN UP AND DOWN CLEVELAND STREET, THE SYMBOL OF THE OLD MAN'S VICTORY. HE WON THAT. ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME FOR SOMEBODY'S FAVOURITE RADIO PROGRAMME? YEAH! ONLY ONE THING IN THE WORLD COULD HAVE DRAGGED ME AWAY FROM THE SOFT GLOW OF ELECTRIC SEX IN THE WINDOW. # WHO'S THE LITTLE CHATTERBOX? # THE ONE WITH PRETTY AUBURN LOCKS # WHOM DO YOU SEE? # IT'S LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE # IT'S LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE TIME, BROUGHT TO YOU BY RICH, CHOCOLATEY OVALTINE. I COULD STILL TASTE IT. YOU TURNED THE LIGHT OFF! * WAIT UP, YOU GUYS! I KNEW I WAS HANDING MISS SHIELDS A MASTERPIECE. MAYBE IN HER ECSTASY, SHE WOULD EXCUSE ME FROM THEME WRITING FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. "F"! YOU CALL THIS A PARAGRAPH? MARGINS! MARGINS! MARGINS! "F"! ALL MY WORK DOWN THE DRAIN. A SEMICOLON... YOU DOLT... A PERIOD... "F"! I SHALL WEEP IF I HAVE TO READ ONE MORE "F". RALPHIE PARKER. OH. THE THEME I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR ALL MY LIFE. LISTEN. "A RED RYDER BB GUN "WITH A COMPASS IN THE STOCK "AND THIS THING WHICH TELLS TIME." POETRY. SHEER POETRY! RALPH! AN A+. MY RALPH! HOW HAPPY YOU'VE MADE ME, RALPH. A+! RALPH! (CHEERING) RALPH! (CHEERING) RALPH! SOMETHING YOU WANT, RALPH? I'M JUST TURNING IN MY THEME. YOU CAN TAKE YOUR SEAT. TAKE YOUR SEAT. COME ON, YOU GUYS! WAIT UP! OK, COME ON. COME ON. COME ON. GET IN THE CAR. IF WE DON'T HURRY, WE'RE GOING TO MISS ALL THE GOOD TREES! GO ON, GO ON. MY MOTHER WAS MAKING ANOTHER BRILLIANT MANOEUVRE IN THE BATTLE OF THE LAMP. THE EPIC STRUGGLE LIVES IN CLEVELAND STREET FOLKLORE TO THIS DAY. DON'T WANT TO WASTE ELECTRICITY. "DON'T WANT TO WASTE ELECTRICITY." RALPHIE, GET IN THE CAR. LOOKING FOR A TREE? WE GOT 300 TREES HERE. YOU WON'T FIND NO BETTER TREE THAN THIS. THIS HERE TREE IS BUILT TO LAST. AIN'T NO NEEDLES COMING OFF. OK. NOW HERE'S A TREE. THIS HERE IS A TREE. A LITTLE SKIMPY IN FRONT. JUST PUT IT IN THE CORNER. GOT A BIG TREE? HELL, THIS AIN'T NO TREE. NOW HERE'S A TREE. WAIT TILL ZUDOC SEES THAT. IT'S A LITTLE LARGE. AW, WHAT THE HELL, WHY NOT? WHY NOT? I CAN SEE YOU KNOW TREES. THIS TREE'S NEEDLES WON'T FALL OFF, WILL THEY? NO. THAT'S THEM BALSAMS. THE OLD MAN BARGAINED LIKE AN ARAB TRADER. ZUDOC JUST BOUGHT ONE OF THOSE NEW PLASTIC TREES. OH NO. LOOKS LIKE IT'S MADE OUT OF GREEN PIPE CLEANERS. THIS IS A VERY NICE TREE. I'LL ADD ROPE. GOT A DEAL. DEAL. # JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY # OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE # IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH. # JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS # JINGLE ALL THE WAY # OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE # IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH # PFFFT! (TYRE BLOWS OUT) DADGUMMIT! BLOWOUT! AH HA! NOT AGAIN. NOT AGAIN. FOUR MINUTES. TIME ME. ACTUALLY, MY OLD MAN LOVED IT. HE ALWAYS SAW HIMSELF IN THE PITS OF THE INDIANAPOLIS 500. MY OLD MAN'S SPARE TYRES WERE ACTUALLY ONLY TYRES IN THE ACADEMIC SENSE. THEY WERE ROUND. THEY HAD ONCE BEEN MADE OF RUBBER. RALPHIE, WHY DON'T YOU HELP YOUR FATHER? CAN I? YES. WATCH THE TRAFFIC. OK. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME THAT IT HAD BEEN SUGGESTED I HELP MY FATHER. WHAT? MOM SAID I SHOULD HELP. OH, YEAH? YEAH. OK. SQUAT DOWN HERE. HERE YOU ARE. HOLD THIS. NOT THAT WAY. HOLD IT LIKE THIS. HOW? LIKE THIS! THERE WE ARE. GOOD BOY. HEY, WE GOT IT. THERE IT IS. SON OF A GUN! GET THAT DIRTY &$%``@! THERE. THE BOLTS WERE BRIEFLY SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE TRAFFIC, AND THEN THEY WERE GONE. OHHH... FFFUDGE. ONLY I DIDN'T SAY FUDGE. I SAID THE WORD. THE QUEEN MOTHER OF DIRTY WORDS. THE F-DASH-DASH-DASH WORD. WHAT DID YOU SAY? UH...UM... THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT YOU SAID. GET IN THE CAR. GO ON. IT WAS ALL OVER. WHAT WOULD IT BE? THE GUILLOTINE, HANGING, THE CHAIR, THE RACK, THE CHINESE WATER TORTURE-- MERE CHILD'S PLAY COMPARED TO WHAT SURELY AWAITED ME. EVERYTHING GO ALL RIGHT? AH! EIGHT MINUTES. YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR SON JUST SAID? NO. WHAT? I'LL TELL YOU. RANDY. AAH! RALPHIE! OVER THE YEARS, I BECAME A CONNOISSEUR OF SOAP. MY PERSONAL PREFERENCE IS FOR LUX, BUT I FOUND PALMOLIVE HAD A NICE, PIQUANT AFTER-DINNER FLAVOUR WITH A TOUCH OF MELLOW SMOOTHNESS. LIFEBUOY, ON THE OTHER HAND... YECH! YOU READY TO TELL ME? WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT WORD? I HAD HEARD THAT WORD AT LEAST 10 TIMES A DAY FROM MY OLD MAN. MY FATHER WORKED IN PROFANITY THE WAY ARTISTS MIGHT WORK IN OILS OR CLAY. IT WAS HIS MEDIUM. BUT I CHICKENED OUT. I BLURTED OUT THE FIRST NAME THAT CAME TO MIND. SCHWARTZ! OH, I SEE. MMM! MMM! HELLO, MRS. SCHWARTZ? YES, I'M FINE. MRS. SCHWARTZ, DO YOU KNOW WHAT RALPH JUST SAID? NO. HE SAID... NO! NOT THAT! YES, THAT. - DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE HEARD IT? - PROBABLY FROM HIS FATHER. NO, HE HEARD IT FROM YOUR SON. WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! (FOOTSTEPS) (SMACKING) AAH! WHAT DID I DO, MOM? I DIDN'T DO NOTHING! AAH! AAH! ANOTHER SHOT OF MYSTERIOUS, INEXORABLE OFFICIAL JUSTICE. RINSE OUT AND GO TO BED. I'M GLAD YOU FINISHED YOUR HOMEWORK, COS I WANT YOU GOING RIGHT TO BED. YOU ARE BEING PUNISHED, SO NO COMIC BOOK READING. IF THERE ARE ANY LIGHTS ON-- DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK! EW! THREE BLOCKS AWAY, SCHWARTZ WAS GETTING HIS. THERE'S NEVER BEEN A KID WHO DIDN'T BELIEVE VAGUELY BUT INSISTENTLY THAT HE WOULD BE STRICKEN BLIND BEFORE HE REACHED 21. AND THEN THEY'D BE SORRY. WHY, IT'S RALPH. COME ON IN, RALPH. WHERE YOU BEEN? WHY, HE'S CARRYING A CANE. WHAT IS IT, RALPH? WHAT HAPPENED? WHY, HE'S BLIND! BLIND? OH MY GOD! RALPH, IS IT SOMETHING WE DID? WHAT BROUGHT YOU TO THIS LOWLY STATE? RALPH, PLEASE, TELL US. WHAT DID WE DO? NO, I... I CAN'T. PLEASE, RALPH. I MUST KNOW. PLEASE! PLEASE. IT, IT, IT WAS... YES? SOAP POISONING. OH! OH! HOW COULD WE DO IT? I'LL MANAGE TO GET ALONG... SOMEHOW. I'LL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF. THANKS, MOM. I WARNED YOU ABOUT LIFEBUOY. OH, I FEEL AWFUL. THANK YOU, HEATHER. MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. THANK YOU. MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS, MISS SHIELDS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. I JUST THOUGHT YOU'D BE GETTING TIRED OF THE SAME OLD STUFF. A LITTLE BRIBE NEVER HURTS. WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, RALPH. MERRY CHRISTMAS. HAPPY NEW YEAR. YOU CAN SIT DOWN NOW, RALPH. * THE WEEKS OF DRINKING GALLONS OF OVALTINE TO GET THE OVALTINE INNER SEAL TO SEND FOR MY ORPHAN ANNIE SECRET DECODER PIN WAS ABOUT TO PAY OFF. I GOT IT. "MASTER RALPH PARKER." MY DECODER PIN! ALL RIGHT! "RALPH PARKER IS HEREBY APPOINTED A MEMBER "OF THE LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE SECRET CIRCLE "AND IS ENTITLED TO ALL HONOURS OCCURRING THERETO." SIGNED "LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE." COUNTERSIGNED "PIERRE ANDRE," IN INK. HONOURS ALREADY AT THE AGE OF 9. LET'S THROW HER OVERBOARD! COME ON. LET'S GET ON WITH IT. TOMORROW NIGHT, THE CONCLUDING ADVENTURE OF "THE BLACK PIRATE SHIP." IT'S TIME FOR ANNIE'S SECRET MESSAGE FOR YOU MEMBERS OF THE SECRET CIRCLE. REMEMBER, KIDS, ONLY MEMBERS OF ANNIE'S SECRET CIRCLE CAN DECODE ANNIE'S SECRET MESSAGE. REMEMBER, ANNIE IS DEPENDING ON YOU. SET YOUR PINS TO B-2. HERE IS THE MESSAGE. 12, 11... I AM IN. MY FIRST SECRET MEETING. 14, 11, 18, 16... PIERRE WAS IN GREAT VOICE TONIGHT. I COULD TELL TONIGHT'S MESSAGE WAS REALLY IMPORTANT. THAT'S A MESSAGE FROM ANNIE HERSELF. REMEMBER, DON'T TELL ANYONE. 90 SECONDS LATER, I'M IN THE ONLY ROOM WHERE A BOY OF 9 COULD SIT IN PRIVACY AND DECODE. AH, "B." "E." THE FIRST WORD IS BE. "S." IT WAS COMING EASIER. "U." < COME ON, RALPHIE. I GOT TO GO. I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN, MA. GEE WHIZ! "T." "O." "BE SURE TO..." BE SURE TO WHAT? WHAT WAS ANNIE TRYING TO SAY? < RALPHIE, RANDY HAS TO GO. ALL RIGHT, MOM! I'LL BE RIGHT OUT! GETTING CLOSER. THE TENSION WAS TERRIBLE. EARTH'S FATE MAY HANG IN THE BALANCE. < RALPH, RANDY'S GOT TO GO! I'LL BE OUT, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! ALMOST THERE. MY FINGERS FLEW. MY MIND WAS A STEEL TRAP. IT WAS ALMOST CLEAR. YES. YES. YES. YES. "BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE." OVALTINE? A CRUMMY COMMERCIAL? SON OF A BITCH. I WENT OUT TO FACE THE WORLD AGAIN. WISER. RED CABBAGE? FOR TOMORROW. YOU LOVE RED CABBAGE. (BOOM) YOU FILTHY `$%&/@ &&`$ SMELLY $`%&@! @`$`&% VIPER! YOU PLATYPUS SNOT %&`$@! WHAT HAPPENED NEXT WAS A FAMILY CONTROVERSY FOR YEARS. YOU $%&`@+ MUNDANG NOODLE! YOU SNORT TONGUA! LAYMONGOUS $&%`@` CACA! (CRASH) (RUNNING UP STAIRS) WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT BROKE? I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I WAS WATERING MY PLANT, AND I... BROKE YOUR LAMP. DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT! YOU WERE ALWAYS JEALOUS OF THIS LAMP. JEALOUS OF A PLASTIC LAMP? JEALOUS! JEALOUS BECAUSE I WON. THAT'S RIDICULOUS. JEALOUS? JEALOUS OF WHAT? THAT IS THE UGLIEST LAMP I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! NOW IT WAS OUT. GET THE GLUE. WE'RE OUT OF GLUE. YOU USED UP ALL THE GLUE ON PURPOSE! THE OLD MAN STOOD QUIVERING WITH FURY, STAMMERING TO COME UP WITH A REAL CRUSHER. ALL HE GOT OUT WAS... NOT A FINGER! WITH AS MUCH DIGNITY AS HE COULD MUSTER, THE OLD MAN GATHERED UP THE SAD REMAINS OF HIS SHATTERED MAJOR AWARD. LATER THAT NIGHT, ALONE, HE BURIED IT NEXT TO THE GARAGE. I COULD NEVER BE SURE, BUT I THOUGHT I HEARD THE SOUND OF TAPS BEING PLAYED. I'M GETTING MY OLD MAN A ROSE THAT SQUIRTS FOR CHRISTMAS. I'M GETTING MY OLD MAN A FLINT GUN. AAH! STOP RIGHT THERE. ORDINARILY, IF DILL EVEN SAID "HI," YOU FELT GREAT, WARM INSIDE. MOSTLY, HE'D JUST HIT YOU. (STAMMERS) I'VE GOT TO SEE MISS SHIELDS. COME HERE! (BELL RINGING) COME HERE. WHO, ME? NAW, YOUR AUNT TILLY. YEAH, YOU. I LEFT FLICK TO CERTAIN ANNIHILATION, BUT BB-GUN MANIA KNOWS NO LOYALTIES. UNCLE. UNCLE! UNCLE! ALL RIGHT, CLASS. I HAVE YOUR CHRISTMAS THEMES FOR YOU. I'M PLEASED. IN GENERAL, YOU DID VERY WELL. HOWEVER, I WAS DISAPPOINTED IN THE MARGINS. THIS IS IT. C+. OH NO. IT CAN'T BE! C+? C+! HA HA HA! C+! HA HA HA! OH NO. "YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT!" OH NO. MY MOTHER MUST HAVE GOTTEN TO MISS SHIELDS. YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT! YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT! WAS THERE NO END TO THIS IRRATIONAL PREJUDICE AGAINST RED RYDER AND HIS PEACEMAKER? THESE QUESTIONS WERE MOST MISSED IN OUR LAST MATH TEST. ANSWER IN UNISON, PLEASE. I WAS SURROUNDED BY KIDS WHO WOULD GET WHAT THEY WANTED. HEY, FOUR-EYES. LIKE YOUR SNOWBALL SANDWICH? MAYBE YOU'D LIKE ANOTHER ONE. LISTEN, JERK! WHEN I SAY COME, YOU'D BETTER COME. WHAT? ARE YOU GOING TO CRY? COME ON, CRYBABY. CRY FOR ME. COME ON. CRY. DEEP IN MY BRAIN, A TINY RED-HOT FLAME BEGAN TO GROW. AARGH! HEY! SOMETHING HAD HAPPENED. A FUSE BLEW. I HAD GONE OUT OF MY SKULL. HEY! HEY! HEY, KID! (CRYING) I'M TELLING MY DAD. (CRYING) HEY, RALPHIE! (CRYING) BEAT HIM UP. HIT HIM! HEY! YOU NO-GOOD DAMN NOTHING! STINKING @?`&$% - HIT HIM, RALPHIE. - DID YOU HEAR HIM? HOLY SMOKES. I HAVE SINCE HEARD OF PEOPLE UNDER EXTREME DURESS SPEAKING IN STRANGE TONGUES. I BECAME CONSCIOUS THAT A STEADY TORRENT OF OBSCENITIES AND SWEARING WAS POURING OUT OF ME. (GROWLING) RALPH, SHH! YOUR MOTHER. (GRUNTS) DAMN... RALPHIE! RALPHIE! RALPHIE! RALPHIE! RALPHIE! RALPHIE. RALPHIE! RALPHIE? COME ON. WE'RE GOING HOME. COME ON. UH-OH. COME ON. Big, bold volume? Colossal Mascara from Maybelline New York. Volume so big, so bold, so instant, it's colossal, just like New York. And create infinite looks with new Lemonade Craze palette, only from: * CALM DOWN. COME IN HERE NOW. GET IN THERE. OK. GET YOUR HEAD DOWN IN HERE. SETTLE DOWN. LIE DOWN IN YOUR ROOM FOR A WHILE. RALPHIE, JUST SETTLE DOWN. NOW DRY OFF. CALM DOWN. ALL RIGHT. NOW GO LIE DOWN. THE LIGHT WAS GETTING PURPLE AND SOFT OUTSIDE. ALMOST TIME FOR MY FATHER TO COME HOME FROM WORK. (CRYING) RANDY? HI. WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT YOU CRYING FOR? DADDY'S GOING TO KILL RALPHIE. OH, NO, HE'S NOT. YES, HE IS, TOO. I PROMISE YOU, DADDY IS NOT GOING TO KILL RALPHIE. WHY DON'T YOU COME ON OUT OF THERE? WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MILK? YOU WOULD? HERE YOU GO. ALL RIGHT? I'LL SEE YOU LATER. OK. BYE-BYE. I HEARD THE CAR ROAR UP THE DRIVEWAY. TERROR BROKE OVER ME. HE'LL KNOW THE AWFUL THINGS I SAID. GO ON. GET OUT OF HERE! GO HOME, YOU MANGY MUTTS. HEY, BUMPUS! GET OVER HERE AND GET YOUR STINKING DOGS! WHAT'S FOR DINNER? I'M STARVING TO DEATH. WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TODAY? WHERE'S YOUR GLASSES? DID YOU LOSE YOUR GLASSES AGAIN? UH, RALPHIE, YOU LEFT THESE ON THE RADIO AGAIN. TRY NOT TO DO THAT ANY MORE. WHAT ELSE HAPPENED TODAY? OH, NOTHING MUCH. RALPHIE HAD A FIGHT. A FIGHT? WHAT KIND OF A FIGHT? OH, YOU KNOW HOW BOYS ARE. I GAVE HIM A TALKING TO. I SEE THE BEARS ARE PLAYING GREEN BAY ON SUNDAY. YEAH. ZUDOC'S GOT TICKETS. I WISH I HAD. HE'LL FREEZE HIS KEISTER OFF THERE. I SLOWLY BEGAN TO REALISE I WAS NOT ABOUT TO BE DESTROYED. THE CHICAGO BEARS, TERROR OF THE MIDWAY. FROM THEN ON, THINGS WERE DIFFERENT BETWEEN ME AND MY MOTHER. MORE LIKE CHICAGO CHIPMUNKS MAYBE, BUT BEARS, NEVER. STRANGE. EVEN THE MONUMENTAL SCUT FARKUS AFFAIR WAS PUSHED OUT OF MY MIND AS I STRUGGLED FOR A WAY OUT OF THE IMPENETRABLE BB-GUN WEB IN WHICH MY MOTHER HAD ME TRAPPED. SANTA! I'LL ASK SANTA. OF COURSE! SANTA-- THE BIG MAN, THE HEAD HONCHO, THE CONNECTION. MY MOTHER HAD SLIPPED UP THIS TIME. (BAND PLAYING O CHRISTMAS TREE) MICKEY! MICKEY! YAY! (BAND PLAYING SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN) THE STORE WILL CLOSE SOON. SANTA WILL BE GONE. SANTA'S NOT GOING ANYPLACE. BE STILL. # ...LA LA LA LA # DON WE NOW OUR GAY APPAREL # FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA... # THIS IS THE SAME PARADE AS LAST YEAR. WILL YOU CALM DOWN? MOM! HUSH! SHUT UP, RALPHIE. THERE HE IS. SANTA! SANTA! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO! SANTA! HAVE YOU BEEN GOOD? CAN WE GO NOW? YES. HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO! COME ON, RANDY. HURRY UP. SANTA CAN'T WAIT ALL NIGHT. LET'S GO. HO HO HO! OK, NOW. AAH! RALPHIE, LOOK OVER THERE. THE LINE'S NOT SO LONG. GO GET IN IT. WE'LL SEE YOU LATER. STAY TOGETHER. DON'T GET LOST. COME ON. LET'S GO. YOUNG MAN. HEY, KID! WHERE ARE YOU GOING? GOING TO SEE SANTA. THE LINE ENDS HERE. IT BEGINS THERE. MERRY CHRISTMAS. HO HO HO! COME UP, BOYS AND GIRLS! HURRY UP. LET'S GO. OH NO! COME ON. # JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS... # THE LINE WAITING TO SEE SANTA CLAUS STRETCHED ALL THE WAY BACK TO TERRE HAUTE, AND I WAS AT THE END OF IT. I LIKE SANTA. YEAH. LET'S FACE IT, MOST OF US WERE SCOFFERS, BUT MOMENTS BEFORE ZERO HOUR, IT DIDN'T PAY TO TAKE CHANCES. HA HA HA! LOOK AT ALL THE CHILDREN. HEY, LITTLE BOY. I'LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY. WHAT A TASTY LITTLE BOY. DON'T BOTHER ME. I'M, I'M THINKING. I LIKE THE WIZARD OF OZ. YEAH. I LIKE THE TIN MAN. IF HIGBEE THINKS I'M WORKING LATE, HE CAN KISS MY FOOT. COME ON, UP ON SANTA'S LAP. HERE'S A WET ONE. WHAT'S YOUR NAME, LITTLE BOY? BILLY. COME ON, RANDY. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? A TRUCK. GET HIM OFF MY LAP. BYE, BILLY. HO HO HO! BOMBS AWAY! AAH! I HATE THE SMELL OF TAPIOCA. HO HO HO! PA: ATTENTION, SHOPPERS. IT'S 9:00, AND WE ARE CLOSING. 9:00! GREAT SCOTT! THE STORE'S CLOSING. SANTA CAN'T WAIT ALL NIGHT. COME ON, UP ON SANTA'S LAP. HO HO HO! AAH! GET MOVING, KID. QUIT DRAGGING YOUR FEET. COME ON. HO HO HO! HO HO HO! HO HO HO! AAH! UH-OH. GET HIM OUT OF HERE. COME ON, KID. HO HO HO! COME ON! COME ON UP. HO HO HO! HO HO HO! HO HO! HO! AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME, LITTLE BOY? HEY, KID. HURRY. THE STORE IS CLOSING. COME ON. WE'VE GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE WAITING. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOY? MY MIND WAS BLANK. FRANTICALLY, I TRIED TO REMEMBER. I WAS BLOWING IT! COME ON, KID. HOW ABOUT A NICE FOOTBALL? FOOTBALL? FOOTBALL! WHAT'S A FOOTBALL? WITHOUT CONSCIOUS WILL, MY VOICE SQUEAKED OUT... YEAH. GET HIM OUT OF HERE. A FOOTBALL. OH, NO! WHAT WAS I DOING? WAKE UP, STUPID! WAKE UP! NO! I WANT AN OFFICIAL RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION 200-SHOT RANGE MODEL AIR RIFLE! YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, KID. MERRY CHRISTMAS. HO HO HO! NO! HO HO HO! # AND WE'RE HERE TO SEE THE WIZARD # THE WONDERFUL WIZARD OF OZ # THERE THEY ARE. I'LL SEE YOU IN OZ. WELL, DID YOU, UH... UP! DID YOU SEE SANTA CLAUS? YEAH. DID YOU TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANTED? YEAH. DID HE ASK IF YOU'D BEEN GOOD? NO. DON'T WORRY. HE KNOWS. HE ALWAYS KNOWS. MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO! OK, DOWN YOU GO. BYE-BYE, CHRIS. MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO! OH! THAT'S FINE. WELL, WAIT A MINUTE. PLUG HER IN. IT IS, IT IS. THE GREEN STRING IS OUT. IT'S THE BLUE THAT'S OUT. DON'T TELL ME THE COLOUR. I'M NOT COLOUR-BLIND. I'M NOT COLOUR-BLIND, EITHER. I TOLD YOU IT WAS GREEN. AAH! DON'T ANYBODY MOVE! HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. A FUSE IS OUT. THE OLD MAN COULD REPLACE FUSES QUICKER THAN A JACK RABBIT ON A DATE. HE BOUGHT THEM BY THE GROSS. HA! OH, WELL... MY, ISN'T THAT PRETTY? SON OF A GUN. NO. THAT STAR IS CROOKED. THAT STAR IS PERFECTLY STRAIGHT. CAREFUL! IT'S OK. BE CAREFUL. I AM, I AM. SIT UP THERE. JUST LET ME GET IT FIXED. THAT'S ALL RIGHT. YES. SEE? PERFECT. OH, GOODNESS. LOOK AT THE TIME. I HOPE SANTA HASN'T PASSED US UP BECAUSE SOME BOYS WERE AWAKE. I THOUGHT I HEARD SANTA'S SLEIGH BELLS GOING UP THE STREET. OK, YOU TWO. UPSTAIRS. UP, UP. ON THE DOUBLE! HEY! (DOOR SLAMS) OK. LET'S GET THEM. * WOW! WOW! RANDY! COME ON! GET UP, RANDY! WOW! SANTA CLAUS HAD COME. WOW! THAT'S MINE. WOW! LOOK OVER HERE. THAT'S MINE. WHAT'S IN HERE? IT'S HARD. FIRE TRUCK! OH, BOY, THAT'S MINE! RRRRRR! HEY! DOES THIS RAISE? WOW! WOW! YEAH, IT DOES. MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS. WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS TO START, HONEY. I WANT TO PLAY SANTA. RANDY, YOU PLAYED SANTA LAST YEAR. RALPHIE, YOU PLAY SANTA. WHO SHOULD I START WITH? GIVE RANDY A PRESENT. AUNT CLARA'S GIFT TO YOU IS OVER THERE. SHE ALWAYS SENDS YOU WONDERFUL PRESENTS. COME ON! CHRISTMAS HAD COME, OFFICIALLY. WE'D PLUNGED INTO THE CORNUCOPIA, QUIVERING WITH THE ECSTASY OF AVARICE. DIDN'T I GET A TIE? WOW! WHOOPEE! A ZEPPELIN! A CAN OF SIMONIZ. RALPHIE, WHAT DID AUNT CLARA GIVE YOU? SHOW EVERYBODY. I DON'T WANT TO. SHOW EVERYBODY WHAT AUNT CLARA GAVE YOU. AUNT CLARA HAD LABOURED UNDER THE DELUSION THAT I WAS PERPETUALLY 4 YEARS OLD AND ALSO A GIRL. SHE ALWAYS GIVES YOU THE NICEST THINGS, RALPHIE. OH, MY... ISN'T THAT SWEET? - GO UPSTAIRS AND TRY IT ON. - I DON'T WANT TO. TRY ON THAT PRESENT! SHE WENT TO ALL THAT TROUBLE. WHILE RALPHIE IS CHANGING, I'M GOING TO PLAY SANTA CLAUS. WHAT CAN I FIND? OH, I SEE SOMETHING. RANDY, THIS IS FOR YOU, HONEY. OH, AND THIS IS FOR DADDY. HERE. FROM ME TO YOU. (HIGH VOICE) THANKS A LOT. I WONDER WHAT IT COULD BE. THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT. IT'S A BLUE BALL. AW, IT'S A BOWLING BALL. THANK YOU. DO YOU LIKE IT? YES, VERY MUCH. RALPHIE, WE'RE WAITING. OH, COME ON, MOM. RIGHT NOW! MY FEET BEGAN TO SWEAT AS THOSE TWO FLUFFY LITTLE BUNNIES STARED SAPPILY UP AT ME. COME DOWN SO I CAN SEE BETTER. I HOPED FLICK WOULDN'T SPOT THEM. THIS HUMILIATION COULD MAKE LIFE AT SCHOOL A VERITABLE HELL. OH, ISN'T THAT CUTE? THAT IS THE MOST PRECIOUS THING I'VE EVER SEEN. SHUT UP. HE LOOKS LIKE A DERANGED EASTER BUNNY. HE DOES NOT. HE LOOKS LIKE A PINK NIGHTMARE. ARE YOU HAPPY WEARING THAT? TELL RALPHIE TO TAKE IT OFF. WEAR IT WHEN AUNT CLARA VISITS. TAKE IT OFF! WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT MESS! WHO'S GOING TO CLEAN UP? NOT ME. RANDY DID IT LAST YEAR. HE CAN DO IT AGAIN. THIS WINE ISN'T BAD. DO YOU WANT A SIP? YEAH! NO. DID YOU HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS? PRETTY NICE. DID YOU GET EVERYTHING YOU WANTED? ALMOST. ALMOST, HUH? WELL, THAT'S LIFE. WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT CHRISTMAS. YEP. HEY, THAT'S FUNNY. WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE BEHIND THE DESK? WHERE? BEHIND THE DESK, AGAINST THE WALL OVER THERE. WHY DON'T YOU GO CHECK IT OUT? WHAT DID WE PUT OVER THERE? SANTA CLAUS PROBABLY BROUGHT IT. WOW! OH, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. I COULDN'T WAIT TO TRY IT OUT. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LOAD IT? YEAH. RIGHT. BE CARE-- CAREFUL. THEY RUN ALL OVER. CLOSE HER UP. CLOSE IT UP. CAN I TRY IT OUT? SURE. OK, BUT OUTSIDE. I STILL SAY THEY ARE DANGEROUS. PUT ON YOUR GALOSHES AND COAT. IT'S COLD OUT. I HAD ONE WHEN I WAS 8 YEARS OLD. WHAT IF HE HURTS HIMSELF? YOUR COAT! DON'T SHOOT ANY ANIMALS OR BIRDS. EXCEPT BUMPUS' DOGS! HUSH. BE CAREFUL, RALPHIE. IT'S WELL-KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE MIDWEST THAT THE OLD MAN IS A TURKEY JUNKIE, A BONAFIDE GALLY TURKIKANUS FREAK. A FEW DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HIS EYES WOULD BEGIN TO GLEAM WITH A WILD AND RAVENOUS LIGHT. OK, BLACK BART, NOW YOU GET YOURS. I SHOT MY EYE OUT! YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT, KID. YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT! RALPHIE, YOU BE CAREFUL OUT THERE. DON'T SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT. SHE HADN'T SEEN. MY EYE'S ALL RIGHT. THE BB MUST HAVE HIT MY GLASSES. MY GLASSES! WHERE ARE MY GLASSES? FEW THINGS BROUGHT SUCH TERRIBLE RETRIBUTION AS A PAIR OF BUSTED GLASSES. STOP! (CRUNCH) OH NO. OH NO. PULVERISED. OH NO. FOR A MOMENT, I THOUGHT, "I'LL FAKE IT. "THEY'LL NEVER KNOW THE LENS IS GONE." OH NO. RAPIDLY MY MIND EVOLVED A SPECTACULAR PLOT-- AN ICICLE FALLS OFF THE GARAGE AND HITS ME IN THE EYE. I WHIPPED UP SOME TEARS. (CRYING) RALPHIE? WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY? OH, WHAT HAPPENED? THERE WAS THIS ICICLE. IT FELL OFF THE GARAGE AND HIT ME. WHAT? IT'S OK. JUST READ YOUR FUNNIES. IT'S ALL RIGHT. RANDY? WAKE UP, RANDY. OH GOD. IT HIT MY CHEEK, AND IT BROKE MY GLASSES. I TRIED TO GET OUT OF THE WAY, BUT I COULDN'T. IT'S JUST A LITTLE BUMP. YOU'RE LUCKY IT DIDN'T CUT YOUR EYE. THOSE ICICLES HAVE KILLED PEOPLE. WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE? NOTHING. WE'LL BE RIGHT DOWN. STAY AWAY FROM THAT TURKEY! IT'S NOT DONE. YOU'LL GET WORMS. WHAT ABOUT MY GLASSES? YOU CAN WEAR THE OLD ONES UNTIL WE GET YOU SOME NEW ONES. OK? I HAD PULLED IT OFF. I LEFT MY GUN OUTSIDE. WHEN YOU GET DRESSED, YOU CAN GO OUT AND GET YOUR GUN. LIFE IS LIKE THAT. SOMETIMES AT THE HEIGHT OF OUR REVELRIES, WHEN OUR JOY IS AT ITS ZENITH, WHEN ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD, THE MOST UNTHINKABLE DISASTERS DESCEND UPON US. THE TURKEY! OH MY GOD! YOU SONS OF... SONS OF BITCHES! BUMPUSES! THE HEAVENLY AROMA STILL HUNG HEAVY, BUT IT WAS GONE-- NO TURKEY, NO TURKEY SANDWICHES, NO TURKEY SALAD, TURKEY GRAVY, TURKEY HASH, TURKEY SOUP-- GONE, ALL GONE. ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY UPSTAIRS. GET DRESSED. WE ARE GOING OUT TO EAT. # DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HORRY # FA RA RA RA RA RA RA RA RA RA # 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JORRY NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! NOT RA RA RA RA RA. LA LA LA LA LA. SING LIKE THIS-- # DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY # FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA TRY AGAIN. # DECK THE HALL WITH BOUGHS OF HORRY # FA RA RA RA RA RA RA RA RA RA # 'TIS THE SEASON-- # STOP, STOP! SING SOMETHING ELSE. # JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS # JINGLE ALL THE WAY # OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE # IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SREIGH-- # NO, NO! STOP. STOP! KITCHEN. BRING FOOD. GO FAST. OHH! I'M SORRY. BEAUTIFUL? YES, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DUCK. YES, IT REALLY IS. BUT YOU SEE... WHAT? IT'S SMILING AT ME. AAH! OK? BEAUTIFUL? YEAH. YES. THAT CHRISTMAS WOULD LIVE IN OUR MEMORIES AS THE CHRISTMAS WHEN WE WERE INTRODUCED TO CHINESE TURKEY. ALL WAS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD. (CLOCK CHIMING) HONEY, COME OVER HERE. LOOK AT THIS. OH, IS THAT BEAUTIFUL! OH! # ...IS BRIGHT # ROUND YON VIRGIN MERRY CHRISTMAS. # MOTHER AND CHILD # HOLY INFANT # SO TENDER... # NEXT TO ME, IN THE BLACKNESS, LAY MY OILED BLUE STEEL BEAUTY-- THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS GIFT I HAD EVER RECEIVED OR WOULD EVER RECEIVE. I DRIFTED OFF TO SLEEP, PRANGING DUCKS ON THE WING AND GETTING OFF SPECTACULAR HIP SHOTS. CAPTIONS BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC. CAPTIONS WERE MADE WITH THE SUPPORT OF NZ ON AIR. WWW.ABLE.CO.NZ ABLE 2019