RAPS: # On a tiny little island at the bottom of the world, # there's two funny boys and a funny little girl. # Who's got bare feet? # 10-toed bare feet. # Always looking for adventure and a place to run around. # They know where there's mystery and magic to be found. # They've got bare feet. # 10-toed bare feet. # So you wanna join the club? You wanna save the Earth? # You wanna show your bravery? Show just what you're worth? # So kick off your shoes and release your feet. # Yell it out the window. Yell it in the street like... # We're the Bandits, Barefoot Bandits. # They've got bare feet. Where's those bare feet? # 10-toed bare feet. Barefoot Bandits, yeah! # Barefoot Bandits here! # Mummy. Tumeke Space. DRAMATIC MUSIC For crimes against the Space Code, we find you guilty. Guards, take him away. Hold your horses, ow. Before you lock me away, there's something I need to tell you. Oh yeah? And what would that be? Sweet shot, bro. Huh? What's a sweet shot? This is a sweet shot. JNR, now! WHOOSHING EXCITING MUSIC POWER SURGES, POW! (CRIES OUT) General, you're a... ALL: ...Robotic Pod Person! Yep, a Robotic Pod Person. But that's not the end of it. Detecting high levels of bull caca, boss. There's a reason for that, JNR. That's because... BEEP! Oh, what? TV: We'll return to Tumeke Space right after these important messages. (GROANS) An ad break? Not now. He was just about to reveal who's behind the Robotic Pod People! How dare they interrupt it?! Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. There's really no need to introduce myself, is there? I'm Dennis Gobb, uh, the mayor of Ngaro Island for the past 10 years. I also came 176th at the Tour de France. QUIETLY: And you'll just put the picture of me up on the screen, will you? Oh, I` I'm sure you all remember that proud moment or perhaps the time I judged Ngaro's Biggest Pumpkin Competition or the time I put red food colouring in the town's water supply for Valentine's Day. Looking back, that was quite visually horrific, wasn't it? It's a bit ominous. Anyway, it's the thought that counts. Uh, actually, can you take that bit out? I've been mayor here for a long time now, and I've stuck with you all the way through, so you might as well do us a favour and return it and stick with me. After all, I'm your only option. Vote for Dennis Gobb. He's the nice man you sometimes see down at the shops. That Robotic Pod Person is being controlled by none other than ` reveal ` EXCITING MUSIC the Pink Menace. (YELPS) Oh! You found my hidey-hole. Because everyone knows behind every Robotic Pod Person is a fleshy, pink fat person. Ugh. Well, to be honest, I am shocked and appalled. Oh, get over yourself, Brendan. Yes, he's right; it was me all along. And I would've gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for this meddling Mao-ri. It's pronounced Maori, ow ` meddling Maori. I'm out. BUZZER BLARES Whee! I'll ready the car for a full-on chase, boss. Shot, bro. CAR RUMBLES, WHOOSH! (GRUNTS) Oh, I thought that was the way out, but` Oh, this place is gonna blow up, isn't it? BOOM! ALL: Tumeke Space! (GROANS) Dad, why do we have to go to this thing? What is it, anyway? It's politics, son, and you'll understand this when you get older, but politics are important. The vote is the most powerful instrument ever devised by man for breaking down injustice and destroying the terrible walls which imprison men because they are different from other men. But isn't Mr Gobb the only one running for mayor? Well, yeah, but we still have to go. (GRUMBLES) Why? Because your mum is making the refreshments. Ugh. Yuck. (GASPS) Tane, listen. No matter how horrible her refreshments are, we can't hurt your mum's feelings. WHISPERS: She must never know the truth. LOUDLY: You mean that she's a terrible cook? Shh! (SIGHS) The absolute worst. . Freshly made date scones, anyone? Mmm. (CHOMPS) Huh? Well, I think they were dates. They didn't have a label. Mmm. Oh, I do love a` (HICCUPS) a frothy scone. Mmm. That'll be because I didn't have any flour, so I just used all baking soda. Well, it's the (HICCUPS) best and (HICCUPS) only thing I've eaten this month. Why, thank you, Harry. Peach-and-fish juice, anyone? (ROARS) No! Aargh! Oh! Save yourselves! From the... the bee. Yeah, that's it ` the bee. There was a bee. Might sting you. Oh. Oh, well, thank you, sweetheart. Well, this is embarrassing. It could be worse. (GIGGLES) Huh? BOTH LAUGH (CHUCKLES) What's so funny? What are you wearing?! Pretty cool, eh? My mum says bow ties are the fashion, and I tend to agree with her. (LAUGHS) Oh, bro. (CLEARS THROAT) Right, everyone, let's get this road on the show. I'm Dennis Gobb. I'm the nice man you sometimes see down at the shops (CHUCKLES) ` as per the slogan there ` and, of course, much beloved mayor. So when you vote, vote for me. It's the best and only option. (CHUCKLES) Sorry, I'm not answering any questions at this time. I'm just here to say that when you do go to vote, a vote for Gobb is a vote for Ngaro. OK? So just check the agenda there. Uh, that's everything. This is sooo boring. I almost wish a Robotic Pod Person would turn up. Oh, except item two ` the new candidate. Wait. What? Who`? How did this get on? Thank you, Mr Gobb. My name is Rex Blueblood, and far be it from me to say that your much beloved mayor isn't doing a sterling job, which he is. Uh, thank you, Mr Blueblood. (CLEARS THROAT) Uh, anyway, moving right along` But I'm sure even Mr Gobb would agree that there's nothing like a bit of competition to keep him on his toes. (LAUGHS) Of course, I don't expect to win. I'm just here to get away from big-city politics and to mix things up a bit. Nothing sinister. CREEPY MUSIC Well, that last bit sounded sinister ` the way you said sinister there. I see we have a question. WHISPERS: Oh, sorry. Look, we're not really answering questions. What are your plans for the future of Ngaro Island? Excellent question, young man. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much, Mr Blueblood. Call me Rex. You should all call me Rex. And Dennis. Uh, call me Dennis ` the nice man from down at the shops, remember? Sylvia Snodgrass is my trusted PA. Sylvia, audiovisual display, please. (SCREAMS) Yes, Rex, straight away. Wh-What's that? Audiovisual? What...? PA? PA? Why does he have preserved apple sauce? It stands for personal assistant. Right. So why does his personal assistant have preserved apple sauce, and are we all getting some? Huh? LIVELY MUSIC PLAYS Let me present New Ngaro, a playground for the rich and famous. SHIP HORN BLARES SLOT MACHINES TRING, COINS CLATTER Guys, that's horrible. He's replacing the observatory with a casino. On the plus side, there's a food court. But it's where the tree house is. (GASPS) They're going to tear down the tree house! Shh! Son, Mr Blueblood is talking. He's so important. Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Um, hello! Hello! Mr Blueblood! Where will we all live in this New Ngaro? Ah, that's a good question. (SCOFFS) Children do not have a vote. You don't have to answer that, Rex. QUIETLY: Stop embarrassing us in front of Mr Blueblood. No, no, that is a very fair question. You will all have jobs in this brand-new paradise. (LAUGHS EVILLY) But what about us kids? There's no school. There's no centre of learning. My brain needs to develop. What will we do? Sylvia, next slide, please. The Blueblood Military School for Young, Malleable Minds, on its very own island, is ready to take all the children of Ngaro on scholarships. What? No! You can't send us away. Dad, tell him. Look at this poor little undisciplined tike. He can barely afford shoes. W-We can afford shoes. He just doesn't like wearing them. Won't you all take a moment and think of the children? New Ngaro is the way of the future. New mayor, New Ngaro. ADULTS CHANT: New mayor, New Ngaro. New mayor, New Ngaro. New mayor, New Ngaro. New mayor, New Ngaro. (GASPS) New mayor, New Ngaro. New mayor, New Ngaro. (GASPS) New mayor, New Ngaro. Aargh! Let me go! No! No! Get off me! Let... me... goooooo! New mayor, New Ngaro. Ooh! Ooh! (PANTS) Ooh! Whoa! (PANTS) Whooooaaaaa! DISTORTED: Stop embarrassing us in front of Mr Blueblood. DISTORTED: We can afford shoes. He just doesn't like wearing them. DISTORTED: There's not even a school. My brain needs to develop. DISTORTED: Children do not have a vote. DISTORTED: My mum says bow ties are the fashion, and I tend to agree with her. (LAUGHS EVILLY) You can't win against me, Barefoot Bandits. SCARY MUSIC (GASPS, EXHALES) (GASPS IN SHOCK) What are you guys doing? Just waiting for you to finish your nightmare. You right, mate? Oh, choice. It was just a dream. Nope, I'm afraid not. Mum won't shut up about this Rex guy. She's obsessed. Rex this, 'Rex is over there.' Uh, 'Rex is gonna... do a thing and`' 'All right, Mum. Rex.' Bro, my olds are the same. It's like he's got everyone brainwashed. (GASPS) Maybe he has. Oh yes. Riley's got a theory! Lemme guess. It involves... ...aliens. Always with the aliens. 'Why did the Titanic sink?' 'Aliens.' 'Who controls the Loch Ness Monster?' 'Aliens.' 'Who ate all the chocolate biscuits?' 'Aliens.' That was you, Fridge. Guilty as charged. I'm a lovable scamp. I know I'm always going on about aliens, but this time it all fits. Rex is obviously an alien mind-controller. Wait a second. Then how come he's not controlling our minds? Dunno. Maybe it doesn't work on kids. (GASPS) Which is why... ...he wants to ship us all off the island. (GASPS) And eat everyone's brains! (GROANS) SQUEAKING Bro, why are you doing that? Doing what? Hey, it's Mr Doodles. He's the school rat. I'm looking after him this weekend. Yeah, um, we know who Mr Doodles is, but why is he wearing a hat? Riley, you never know who you might run into, and Mr Doodles likes to look his best. (SNORTS, LAUGHS) You're an egg, Fridge. Hmmmm. Look, as I said, we've got four options. Rex is either a Grey, a Reptilian, a Nordic alien ` one of my personal faves ` or a drone robot under the control of an off-planet consciousness. So which one is it? I hope it's a cute, cuddly one. Is there one of those on the list? It doesn't matter which one he is; they all have the same weakness. Balloons! N-No. No, not` not balloons. Um, masks. They all wear masks. (SQUEAKS) Like the Robotic Pod People on Tumeke Space! Exactly. (GASPS) So all we need to do is pull his mask off. Yes, but first we need to prove he is an alien ` with this! EXCITING MUSIC LIGHT ACTION MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES . CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS So far so boring. Yeah. When are you going to use your alien scanner thingy? (GROANS) I was hoping to see him do something suspicious, but he's just` he's just being a normal slimy politician. I've gotta be more direct. Riley? Uh, e-excuse me, Mr Blueblood. This won't take a moment. WHIRRING BEEP! BLEEPING Mm-hm, as I suspected. Oi! Not cool. READS: He's an alien? TENSE MUSIC Little girl, it's not nice to label people. That's how people get hurt. SOFT, EERIE MUSIC LOW MUSIC Whoa. Riley, are you OK? That was intense! Wait a second. This is just a label maker. Of course it is. There's no such thing as an alien-life-form scanner. I just, kinda, you know, thought it would trick him into confessing. So did it? Well, he's definitely a Reptilian alien. I saw it in his eyes. They blinked real weird. BLEEPING (GIGGLES) Huh? We're gonna need more evidence. DOOR SQUEAKS So, what are we looking for? Anything alien. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. (GASPS) Oh! TENSE MUSIC I don't know about you, but I think it's all going extremely well. Yes, yes. They're a bunch of drawling country hicks hanging on your every word. But we can't let our guard down. You've got the big debate against Dennis Gobb tonight, and, yes, the man's an idiot, but you need to bring your A game. A game, yes. Oh, look ` a rat. SQUEAKING WHISPERS: Mr Doodles. Isn't he just... (INHALES, EXHALES SHAKILY) delicious? No, no, we don't need that, do we, little rat? It'll only get in the way. (GASPS, WHISPERS) He's gonna eat Mr Doodles. What sort of human scumbag would eat a rat? WHISPERS: A reptile. They eat rats. WHISPERS: Oh yeah. Good point. I forgot. (SLOBBERS) Focus, Rex. We must get moving. (SIGHS) > I'm taking him with me. Ooh, I wanna savour this little morsel. Oh, whatever! Just don't let anyone see him! He didn't eat Mr Doodles here. (GASPS) He got him to take away. Hmm. Did anyone else notice how bossy Sylvia was? (GASPS) Of course. I've been so blind. It's her. Sylvia is the alien leader. Yeah, she's real creepy. She even gives off, like, this weird alien vibe. He was doing everything she told him to do. Rex was just a puppet. She's the one in charge. She's the puppetmaster! She's the one with the preserved apple sauce. But everyone's under her spell. No one will listen to us; we're just kids. We need an adult ` but one that isn't hypnotised. So what we need is an adult with a child's brain. UNSETTLING MUSIC Dennis Gubb? Oh, they couldn't even get my name right. STAPLE GUN SNAPS SAD MUSIC Uh, Mr Gobb? Vote Gobb! Oh, it's you. Kids, I'm afraid you've caught me at my lowest. I know you all look up to me as an almost mythical hero ` fair enough too ` but your old mate Dennis hasn't faced a challenge like this since I almost lost my mayoralty to Rusty, the celebrity red setter dog. Luckily, though, City Ordinance 84/C12 expressly forbids an animal holding the role of mayor. They passed the after Cyril the goat died in office. Yep, good old Ordinance 84/C12. That's saved my bacon a few times, I can tell you. Oh, look at me going on about my problems. What nonsense are you little ragamuffins up to today? Acid-spitting Mongolian Death Worms? Let me guess. Has Bigfoot turned up in Ngaro? Biker gangs? Giant squid? Actually, we think Rex Blueblood's a Reptilian and his campaign's being run by mind-controlling aliens from outer space, but, you know, whatever. (GASPS) Of course. It makes perfect sense. . AUDIO FEEDBACK SQUEALS Right, uh, well` No, the height's fine. I;m just worried about` Has this got a spit protector on it? All right. (CLEARS THROAT) OK. FEEDBACK BEEPS, FADES Uh, before we begin, I wanna cut straight to the chase. This man is not who he pretends to be! He's a dupe, a pasty, a puppet, a Reptilian being controlled by this alien overlord! (GRUNTS) AUDIENCE GASPS Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! (STRAINS) (GRUNTS) Oh, that is glued on tight. Mr Slab, restrain him. Roger that. (SCREAMS) Got him. (GRUNTS) It's the truth. Children told me so. Oh, this is so exciting. It's almost as good as Cul-de-sac Wives. Ooh, nothing is as good as Cul-de-sac Wives. Stop! It's time I show you all the truth. (HISSES) (SQUEAKS) He's gonna eat Mr Doodles onstage! Oh, I'm gonna be in so much trouble with my mum ` and my teacher and my classmates! I have to save him! (EXHALES, PANTS) Release that rodent, reptile! (ROARS IN SLOW MOTION) EXCITING MUSIC SLO-MO: Noooooo! ALL GASP Ugh. Ugh, I ripped his face off. Ugh. Just... Ugh. Yuck. (GROANS) Not quite the dramatic reveal I was hoping for, but, yes, I am far from human, and I was using my hypnotic power to get people to vote for me. Then I was going to enslave you all to toil under my tyrannical rule! ALL GASP But I have had a change of heart. Someone has come into my life recently who has taught me there are far more important things than politics, that love is the real power that rules the world. Oh, Rex, you don't know how long I've waited to hear those words. Yes, come here. Come here. > Stop there. Yes, (LAUGHS) it's this little rat ` this humble little rat. Mr Doodles? Yes, Mr Doodles. (SQUEAKS) He has taught me to be true to myself. We needn't hide behind hats and masks and wigs. Ha! I knew it was a wig! (GRUNTS IN PAIN) (STRAINS, GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) Oh dear. (GRUNTS) Uh, I'll just put that back there. That's, uh` That'll grow back in. Ah. You can expect an apology ` a written apology ` from me next week. I cannot be your mayor, because I have been living a lie. My people have lived in disguise for far too long. (SIGHS) I am a prehistoric lizard creature from the dawn of time, and I am proud! (SQUEAKS) Vote for the scary lizard anyway! ADULTS CHANT: New mayor, New Ngaro. New mayor, New Ngaro. New mayor, New Ngaro. New mayor, New Ngaro. New mayor, New Ngaro. What?! No` Hey! What are you all saying?! (SCOFFS) Come on. There's no room for honesty in politics. New mayor, New Ngaro. Hey! 84/C12! Ooh! Tane's right! Of course! Sorry to burst everyone's bubble,... CHANTING STOPS ...but City Ordinance 84/C12 expressly forbids an animal holding the role of mayor. And, uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you'll find a prehistoric lizard creature from the dawn of time is technically an animal. Yes, Dennis is correct. A petty technicality is all that stands between me and a landslide win. But I've fallen in love with this small island with a big heart, and even if I can't be your mayor, I hope you can still find a place for me here. Oh, I'm` I'm sure we can. In fact, I have just the place. Ah, this is the life ` a warm rock, a spacious abode, delicious cuisine and adorable company. Look at him twitching his scrumptious little nose. I could just eat him up. (SQUEAKS) But I won't, because we're best friends ` for now. I don't believe it. A prehistoric lizard creature from the dawn of time? (SCOFFS) Yawn. You don't believe it?! (SCOFFS) I worked for him for seven years. Don't worry, Riley. Hopefully next time it'll be aliens. Or, at the very least, you'll think it is. (CHUCKLES) But hopefully it's not. Stuff that. THEME MUSIC Captions by Imogen Staines www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air.