1 1 # "Ooh La La" - Faces # I wish that I knew what I know now # When I was younger # I wish that I knew what I know now # When I was stronger # The cancan, such a pretty show, # Will steal your heart away # The backstage, back on earth again # The dressing rooms are grey # They come on strong And it ain't too long # Before they make you feel a man (ALL) Ghostbusters! # But love is blind And you soon will find # You're just a boy again # I wish that I knew what I know now # When I was younger # I wish that I knew what I know now # When I was stronger # When you want her lips You get her cheek # Makes you wonder where you are # If you want some more Then she's fast asleep # Leaves you twinkling With the stars # Poor young grandson # There's nothing I can say # You'll have to learn just like me # And that's the hardest way # Ooh, la, la # Ooh, la, la, la, yeah # I wish that I knew what I know now # When I was younger... # We did it, man! Be safe. You got it man. Have a great trip. Yeah. When I'm doing probation, I'm gonna come and find you. I know you will. Alright. I'm out of here. One last thing. Remember this? My Indy compass! In case you get lost. Where'd you get this? And you will get lost. But that's half the fun! Thanks, man. Be good. Take care of those two fools. Have fun. I will. Catch you around, boys. Bye, Billy. I wonder where he's gonna end up. He's gonna do great things. Don't worry. We're all gonna do great things. Are you ready for Tom? I'm ready for Tom! Whoo! Let's ride. Yee-ha! Come on, baby. (DOOR SLAMS) Angie! What was that? (DOOR SLAMS AGAIN) Shit, I think it's Tony. Tony? Get your clothes on. What happened to "Tony's in China"? (GASPS) Hey, Tony. You're home early, baby. Tony! What the hell's going on here? (CHUCKLES) Whoa, whoa, Tony. There's enough of me to go around. I'm thinking about a Tom sandwich. Hmm? Light on the top, huh? Ow! Oof! (SNORES) JERRY,... here, has the reworked formula so I'll pass the ball to him. You're on. Now? Now. Right. # When I grow up to be a man # Will I dig the same things That turned me on as a kid? # Will I look back and say that I wish I hadn't done what I did? # Baby! You're home! How was the surf? Someone's happy to see me. Well, why wouldn't I be? Especially tonight. Wow! Mmm! You outdid yourself. It seemed like the right night to outdo oneself. A Thursday? I mean, don't you think every night should be special? Yes, every night should be special, this is true, but, really, specifically, there's always one night a year that just seems right for a celebration of a specific event. Do you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. I love dip. It's our anniversary. Our first date. How many hints do I need to give you?! (Oh, I must be crazy.) A trip. Great call. Where are we going? I won't play the role of nagging girlfriend any more. Would nagging wife make you happier? Please tell me that was not you proposing to me. (PHONE RINGS) Well, er... "Jerry and Denise cannot get to the phone right now cos we're doing it!" "Jerry, it's Mom. If you're there, will you please pick up." Hey, Mom. I can't really talk right now. What? # What would it take # To make you see that I'm alive? # Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. Sir. Excuse me. You're in my spot. Oh? I don't see your name on it. Well, actually, yes, my name is on it. Dr Mott. That's me. That's my space. You got me. Mmm-hmm. But look at this, pal. Now... ..your name's not on it. Hey! What are you doing? Get back! I'm not afraid to use this. Hey! Don't! Have a good day, Doc. (WHISTLES) You, too. (BABBLES) Aaagh! Aaagh! (SPRAYS) (LAUGHS) Whoo! I'm Doctor Mott. Good morning, Sandi. TGIF. What's that, Doctor Mott? Thank goodness it's Friday. Happy Friday. It's the weekend. Hooray! Oh. Right. (CHUCKLES) TGIF. (LAUGHS) That was great. So smart. Why didn't you just ask her out, you dumb-ass? Er, it's Jerry Conlaine. He says it's very important. OK. Hey, Jerry. How you doing? "Hey, Dan." Long time. Erm,... listen. There was, er, an accident. Billy's dead. You're kidding? "Yeah, he, er,... "..he was parasurfing down in Costa Rica." So the funeral's this weekend. It's, er,... it's in Oregon. Yeah. "I'm flying out in a couple of hours. Can you make it?" Yeah. I'll be there. Danno. Hey. Hey, Jerry. How's it going? Oh, man. Oh, my God. Is that Everest? Yeah. You know Billy. He wasn't afraid of anything. He did it all. Did you know he ran with the bulls? He sent me a postcard from Spain. Man, he did great things. He did. I still want you! Oh! Mi amor! Why did you leave me? Whoa! Oh, Billy! Oh! He's dead and he's still got a better chance of getting laid than I do. "Leadeth me in paths of righteousness..." (SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MOTORBIKE) Tom's here. (ENGINE ROARS) Is this Billy's funeral? Is that the corpse of Billy Newwood? (GROANS) Jerry, is that you? You with Dan? Where'd you guys park? Tom! OK. Sorry. It's a hell of a fender-bender coming in. Please carry on. I'm so sorry. Anyway, I made it. "Then the earth shook and trembled." Sorry, Padre. My bad. Missed an exit. Sssh! "..because he was wroth." "He bowed the heavens also, and came down." "And darkness was under his feet." Did you notice how many hot chicks were at that funeral? No kidding! It was like a discotheque with a coffin in the middle. (LAUGHS) Look at that. Holy... Fort Cooper. Can you believe it? Wow. God, I remember that being taller. There it is. Race you to the top! (LAUGHS) Danno. Come on up, buddy. You guys are hammered. I'm not climbing up a 20-year-old rope. That's crazy. Catch! This whole thing seems a little insane for us to be doing. Climbing with the possibility of - Whoa! Agh! (LAUGHS) You alright, Danno? Come on, Danno. Grab it. Give me the rope. Come on, Dan. (BOTH LAUGH) There you go. Cobwebs. Look out. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. How small is that door? Seems about the same, actually. Hope I don't fall through the floor. Hey! What's up, BA Baracus? Mr T! How awesome is that? You guys. Oh, my gosh. Look at this. Hey, that's our old flag. DB Cooper's Treasure Chest. Oh, man. Look at that thing. Wow! Do you remember this? Of course. Yeah. Cooper. Parachuted out of a plane up north with stolen cash. We were obsessed. Nationwide police hunt. He was never found. We were gonna sneak away, go up the river, Huck Finn, Apocalypse Now style. Get the loot. We spent half our childhood planning that trip. It's all Billy talked of! Let's open it up. We have to break the lock. 38-24-36. How would you know that? How do you possibly remember that? Miss 1981 - Julie McDonald. 38-24-36. Unforgettable. Had a passion for cycling. Disliked liars. You're right! What the...? Do you believe it? Oh, man! Look at that. The oath. "We swear that these things will remain in this box until we find DB Cooper's treasure." Signed... a bunch of kids. Remember when we pricked our fingers and took a blood oath? Dan, what's that next to your signature? It's not blood. Earwax. I was afraid of needles. Let's check out the treasures of our youth. C-3PO. (GASPS) I wonder who put that in. Let me see that. That's a collectable now. My Brian Bosworth rookie card. I thought he'd be the greatest ever. (MIMICS C-3PO) "I've been in that box a long time." Well, you're free now. (LAUGHS) And Tom, I believe this is your contribution. Oh, my God! That's my first rubber! Boy. I found this in my dad's pick-up just before he went to jail. I remember he caught me with it. Boy, he smacked me right in the head. What a charming father-and-son tale(!) He's funny. Hey, what did Billy put in there? Yeah, what does he got? His Indy compass. I gave this to him before he took off on his trip. He must have put it back. Look at this! It's one of our mix tapes! Remember we did the DJ intros? Yeah. Let's not Wang Chung tonight. Burn that. Wow! Check out this map. Oh, wow. Looks like Billy left us a treasure map. Not only that. He plotted out the whole trip. Billy thought DB landed right here. There's no way he did this as a kid. He must have been adding to the box over the years. This is the camping trip he wanted us to take last summer. I was detained in Mexico. He'd not do it unless we were all together. I swear to God, I think he figured it out. I mean, look at all this research. He reconstructed the jump. He pinpointed DB's landing. That's crazy. My God. I'm sorry, you guys. We made an oath. It all goes back in the box. It all goes back in the box until we find the treasure. So let's go find it. Let's take Billy's trip! Come on, guys. What do you say? I say hell, yes! Hell, yes, right?! We can get a canoe! No. No. No, I'm... No. Oh, we're all going. Listen, I wanna get a lot of rope. Rope? (ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER) I have patients and... I got a Rambo knife. I am a doctor now. (BOTH CARRY ON TALKING) I am Doctor Mott now! I have responsibilities. Your responsibility is to come treasure hunting with us. We're 30. This might be the last chance we have to do something incredibly stupid together. I,... I agree. For Billy, Danno. Not fair. I think it's fair. Alright. Time to re-up on our oath, boys. Fingers up. Hey. Put that away. Tom... You know who I'm talking to. There's no way I'm going. No chance. No, you guys. No. Hey! Let go of me! Hey! No! No! Nooooo! I hate you guys. We hate you, too, Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman. Hey! Hey! I agreed to drive. We drive by my rules - no kissing me. I cannot believe Billy kept the Duke in running shape all these years. They're bulletproof. How about a little Fort Cooper classic? "This is Billy Newwood. I'm here with my fellow DJs, Jazzy Jerry." "Yeah!" "Bonzo Tommy." (JOINS IN) "Ye-ah-ah!" "And Disco Dan." "Burn, baby, burn!" "And we have a special dedication in by Dan's mom, entitled, 'I've had sex with Tom.'" I totally did, though. # You see it all around you # Good loving gone bad (ALL JOIN IN) # And usually it's too late when you # Realise what you had # And my mind goes back To a girl I left # Some years ago, who told me # Just hold on loosely # But don't let go... # The boys together, the open road. Good tunes, good times. Good God, let's pull off Memory Highway. (ALL RAP) # Always on to the break of dawn # C-O-M-P-T-O-N And the city they call Long Beach # Puttin' that shit together... # # And if it's good enough To take 'em off a proper chunk # I'll take a small piece Of some of that funky stuff # It's like this and like that... # How do you know all these words? He's a doctor. Doctors study other doctors' work. (LAUGHS) You're a secret Dr Dre fan! (MOCKS) # Like this, like that... # Now, this is a metropolis(!) This place is very remote. Wish I'd brought my dancing shoes so we could go clubbing(!) Maybe we should find out where the nearest hospital is. How are you? Hi. > (ALL LAUGH / CHATTER) Hey. I'm gonna make a call. Wait. You should use my new cellphone. It's a satellite phone, so it works everywhere. It's got a camera and a personalised ring. "(INDIANA JONES THEME)" You shouldn't be proud of that, Dan. Thanks. You're welcome. Well, I'm gonna go check out the canoe situation. Want anything? Good luck. No, I'm good. (PHONE RINGS) Hello? Denise. What are you doing home? Hi! Is everything alright? You know, as good as it can be. Where are you? On the road. "You're coming home?! What time do you get in? Can't wait to see you." What you looking at, boy? Erm, here's the thing. The guys and I, we're going on a treasure hunt. And I know that sounds dumb, but it's something that we have to do. For Billy. That doesn't sound dumb at all. I completely understand. You do? Just call me when you get a chance. But I might be out of the house for a bit. My girlfriends and I plan to search for the lost city of Atlantis(!) Maybe my treasure will help buy your submarine. "Maybe. Maybe it will." (BOTH CHATTER) Er, hold on a sec. (Shut up!) Go on! Take a picture! Hello? Whoa. Ouch. That did not sound like it went well. Hiya, boys. Nice day. Just, er, passing through? No. We're actually from UPS. Someone ordered a set of teeth. I beg your pardon. Taser guns. I'm dropping 'em off. Oh(!) Anyways... Help me out, boys. Where are you headed? We're just taking a trip. Our friend, Billy, he made a map - Sssh! Quiet time. Quiet. We're just taking a day trip up Spirit River, Your Honour. Pretty thick country up there. You make a couple of mistakes up there, you're gone. I think we'll be OK. I was a Boy Scout. Tom, you were a Boy Scout, right? No. But I ate a brownie once. You don't wanna play on the big river, boys. We're not playing. I got this. You listen to me. I know a thing a two about rapid riding cos I was a white-water guide in Northern California. I know how to read a river better than you can read a book. Just a little better. Alright. Er, shall we get going? Yeah? Thank you, Sheriff. See ya, Ray-Bans. * # I've been travelling For some time # With my fishing pole And my bottle of 'shine # On these long dark dusty roads... # Think we've got enough booze, Tom(?) Maybe you wanna hire a bartender to come on the trip with us(!) What's a camping trip without beer? Well, it's still a camping trip. Just with less vomiting. I hear you're a river guide. Oh, yeah. Class four? Five? Uh-huh. Which is it? Why don't you try putting those numbers together? I've shot a class 45, and I've never lost a man. Lie to me. I don't care. I'm not the one that's going to drown. OK, fellas. Here we go. Attention. We christen you Duke The Second. Whoo! Thanks for breaking glass where my kids play. Oh. Thanks, buddy. There's a transmitter in the canoe. That way, if you guys disappear, at least we'll get our boat back. It's child's play. We got it. It's beautiful! This is the best. I like it out here. This is Spirit River. Get you out of the doctor's office, Dan. It's good to be outside. Yeah. Gets you away from that computer, Jerry. Whaa-hoooo! What kind of fish are those? That's brown trout. Brown trout? Hey, look! A deer! Cool. Wow! Right out there in the open. (DEER GROWLS) # I see trees of green # Red roses too # I see them bloom # For me and you # And I say to myself # What a wonderful world... # Oh! The great outdoors. Erm, you guys are spraying me! I'm writing your name! Stop it! Hey. Don't. What, are you gonna melt? This water's teeming with microbes! (ALL LAUGH / SHOUT) We take Spirit River to Widowmaker Bend, then we hike the Devil's Staircase. That should lead us to Hellfire - What's with all these satanic names? Isn't there a Fluffy Bunny Way? No, but there's a Shut Up You Big Baby Ridge. OK. Just keep your eyes open for our first day's marker. What's that? It's a rock formation called Grandpa's Nose. Grandpa's Nose. Looking for Grandpa's Nose. I think I see it! It's right there. Good work, Dan. Prepare to board. I'm gonna drink some beer! I predict you'll puke before the end of today. Dry timber. That... Ooh, ooh, ooh! Hi, there, coal-miner's daughter. You want a hand? We can always try these new things called matches. I saw how to do this on the Discovery Channel, OK, and I'm gonna do it. Get the oxygen in there. Get that right combination. (BOTH LAUGH) Agh! Stop, drop and roll! Why would you do that? I had my face right next to... Why would you do that?! It's warm. It's a nice fire. Hey. We did it. I told you. (SINGS ALONG) # Do you really want to hurt me? # Do you really want to hear this crap? # You like the song as much as I do. When we were kids, it didn't matter what the song was. We didn't care what was cool and uncool. We just listened to the music. It should be like that now. Just listen to the song, man. # Words are few, I have spoken... # Wow! This song is so uncool. Well, I like it. It soothes me. Dan, what is wrong with you? (TURNS MUSIC OFF) I'm blessed with good taste. One day you'll see I've always been correct. Don't get cocky, 30-year-old Dr Mott with 46 years of school under his belt. Excuse me for getting an MD and starting a successful practice. I found a way to make 12 grand a month without having an MD. Really? How do you do that? Running immigrants over the border again? They fell asleep in my truck! I thought I just got shitfaced and bought a bunch of sombreros. I didn't know there were dudes underneath. For real, though - selling Harleys. It's the greatest gig on the planet. Congrats. I'm happy for you. Seriously, though, you guys both sound like you're doing great. Aren't you? I dunno if I'm cut out for the family-wife-kids thing. I would kill to have a woman at home happy to have sex with me each night. You know, at work I just sit in my office and I think, "There's gotta be something better." I thought you liked your job. I like to surf. Sitting out on the water, waiting for that perfect wave. And I also like being out here. I like this, right now. First time in months, no worries, no responsibilities. Just living in the moment. Just like Billy did. Hey. Here's to Billy. To our dead friend. Get 'em up. Tom! Hey, Danno. What happened between you and Cockeyed Katie, anyway? I don't appreciate the name-calling. Katie was very attractive. It was a mutual separation. Between her eyes! That girl had not one but two wandering eyes. Ha, ha(!) It was like her eyes were trying to escape from her head. Sorry she wasn't up to your standard of woman - never worked as a carny. Name one girlfriend of mine who worked as a carny. JoJo! The one who had her downstairs pierced. Oh, JoJo. That's one. How do you know about that? She had that website - jojosdownstairs.com. Oh, that was a good one. Hey, Danno, let's see what you packed to eat. What is this? Astronaut food? No! It's a vitamin gel pack. Tastes like watermelon. It's filling and preserves well. I'm no astronaut. I'm an American, and there's fresh salmon in that river for the taking. What? I'm eating salmon tonight. Great idea, except we didn't bring any fishing gear. Don't need any. We'll shine 'em. That would kill a fish(!) Shine the fish. Old Cherokee trick. I forgot the Cherokee have been using the flashlight for years(!) Didn't they pioneer the battery(?) Alright, suckers. Let's see who's eating salmon tonight and who's eating crow. Do you have a crow-catching trick, too? Yuck it up, astronauts. They love figure-eights. 100 grand and my left nut says the only thing you catch is a cold. Grab it! What are you doing?! Fantastic(!) Can you do that again? You owe me 100 grand and a left nut. Are you gonna catch it when I throw it up? (BOTH) Yeah! I'll have to use a distinct pattern. They got used to the figure-eight. It's gonna be tough, but I'll focus. Guys! What the hell are you doing? I toss it, you grab it. That's your part of the deal. What? What are you doing? Taking off my shoes. Why? I run faster with no shoes. You can't outrun that bear. I don't have to. I just have to outrun you. Stay calm. It's important that you don't let them smell your fear. Just follow my lead. What are you gonna do? (ROARS) It's a bear! We're all gonna die! (ROARS) (WHINES) Get! Get out! (MAKES GROWLING NOISE) Go! (ROARS) (WHINES) Stay calm. Get in the foetal position. It won't bother you if you're in the foetal position. Nothing's gonna happen now. Has he gone?! Has he gone?! Abort the foetal position. It's not working! Run! (SOBS) (GROWLS) The bear thinks Dan's her cub. What do we do now? Stay there. Don't make eye contact. (SOBS / WHINES) Help me! Let's go! This is really bad. Do something. Go first. No, you go first! Hey. Where's the bear? Sssh! Oh... (WHIMPERS) He's trying to fatten Dan up so they can hibernate together. (ROARS) (Chew it up and eat it!) (Eat it!) Stop pretending. You have to eat it! You have to actually eat it. (SOBBING) OK. Bite! Eat it! (RETCHES) It's delicious. Very good. Thank you. Is there another one? Mmm! That was good! That was real good. Let's go! OK! Move, move, move! Your mom misses you. She's in my stuff! (MOBILE RINGS - INDIANA JONES THEME) Hey! My phone! She ate my phone! How long do you think she'll keep looking for me? Hour. Hour-and-a-half tops. Bears have short attention spans. I know a guy who trains 'em. (GROWLS) (LOUD BANGING / SHOUTING) What was that? I don't know, but it scared away our friend. Let's get out of here. * What do you think would happen if this went off in the boat? We'd die? I think you throw it right now. You throw it? Go on! Throw it! (EXPLOSION BOOMS / BOTH CHEER) Cue the insane hillbillies. What are these freaks doing? They're fishing. Why aren't they using their flashlights, Tom(?) This is exactly what you hear about when people go into the deep woods. Aside from getting all sorts of diseases, they wind up being the victims of some man-rape. How'd you like me now? I don't like this - Ssh! Quiet! Let's go! She ate everything. Including my very expensive cellphone. Alright. Let's load up. There's treasure in them hills. Wait a minute. You're not considering continuing? Why not? Because I got carried away by a bear and we spent the night in a tree! Well, we got that out of the way. Now we can get back on the river. There comes a time in every cub's life where he needs to strike out and make it on his own. Fine. Fine. But I say we avoid them and we launch around the bend, OK? Alright, alright. Heave-ho. We call this portage. Or por-tage. What's the map say, Jerry? Er, you know, it's a map. It's gonna be,... it's gonna be good. Isn't the river supposed to fork? No. Just go straight the whole way. Straight shot. Are you sure? We are back in business, boys! Alright. Let's run it back. Bring the tail out. It's getting kinda rough, Tom. Not bad. I've been in much worse. Really? Not a good time to read a map, Jerry. Guys, I wanna pull over. I need to take some travel pills. I got the stern. Work the bow. Guys, pull over. Whoo-hoo! This is exactly what you'd expect. Doing great. Let's hit the bank! Watch the curve. Trees! Trees left! No problem! Typical bend! Rocks! Tom, you're not guiding us! Keep going! I'm not having the fun you promised me! (ALL YELL) Whoo! You're in good hands! Just follow my lead! Stay cool, stay cool! Tom? Yes? It's getting big! No problem. Like, real big! I'm in over my head. What?! Don't tell me that! I'm in over my head! Please, don't tell me that! Forward! Backstroke, backstroke! (ALL YELL) Jerry! (ALL YELL) Jerry, help! I'm coming! You see me? Yeah! Jerry! Dan! Dan, catch the rope! I gotcha! Dan, come on! Hypothermia! I'm gonna get hypothermia! (GASPS) You alright? Tom! (BOTH) Tommy! (KNOCKING) In here, boys! Argh! (BOTH YELL) (GASPS) Whoo! We made it! (ALL LAUGH) That's how you go down the rapids! Gotta get in... (ALL GRUNT) I about shit! Did you about shit? I about shit. I did shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit? What, oh, shit? What? No! (ALL) OH, SHI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I.... ..I-I-I-T... (ALL GASP) I can't... I don't believe it... Whoo! Mmmwah! Tom,... where were you a river guide? San Dimas. Raging Waters? Yeah. They had some serious rapids there. What, class toddler? I was employee of the month at the Monsoon Lagoon. I knew you were lying. Oh, you did? I knew it! You're the reason we had to launch in the wrong part of the river. I am not the navigator-map guy. Jerry, did you see on the map that the river split? I would've... if your friend the big-assed bear didn't eat the map! Hold on a sec. Tom,... were you really employee of the month? No! I lied about that, too. (BOTH LAUGH) I must've been crazy! Alright. This trip is officially over. This is finished! Let's... Let's just go home. I agree. That's a great decision. All we got to do is jump up that waterfall, swim upstream 20 miles, get the sheriff on the phone - he liked us - and he'll rescue us. Hey, there's a beer in the river! Cool! It's cold! (MIMICS C-3PO) We are in serious trouble, my friends. All data points to us being - how do you humans say it? - screwed. Yeah, that is a good way to say it. It pretty much sums it up. (C-3PO) I suspect Tom is drunk... You guys! We're fine! We have the compass! Oh, my God! The compass! Look! That's east, west, north... That's south! That's south! Let's roll! Oh. What? Er, sorry. It only works with a map. So, you're saying you lost the map? I'm saying I forgot to hold on to it while my ass was freefalling over a 100 foot waterfall! You don't have it? (ROCK MUSIC) You hear that? Oh, hell, yeah! Hey, that sounds like Creed. I never thought I'd be happy to hear anything that sounds like Creed. (MUSIC CONTINUES) Lights! (ALL GASP) Oh, thank you, God! Civilisation! Look at that! They have a fire. You think they're cooking food? I hope so. I am starving. (THRASH-METAL MUSIC BLARES) Dammit, Elwood, this blade is dull. Ain't my fault. What is it? Ssh. I told you not to use my buck-knife. How you like me now, fish? You ain't so tough without a head, huh? What's that? You can't hear me? That's right. You don't have ears, cos you don't have a head, COS I CUT IT OFF! Elwood, the fish can't... OK. That's... That's weird. We should get out of here. We'll just try talking - (RATTLING) (MUSIC STOPS) Shut it. What the hell was that? Is that a gun? That's a gun. (GRUNTS) Must've been a possum. Or a Boll weevil. (Guns! And fish heads!) (It's OK, Danno.) Relax. We'll just lay low and get out of here in a second. Hey! Yeah? These guys are pot farmers. How do you know that? (GASPS) Oh, boy... We should go. Lynyrd! Skynyrd! Come here. (DOGS BARK / GROWL) (CHUCKLES) Oh, you gonna spoil them dogs. Lots of vitamins in these fish-heads. Look at that! Skynyrd likes fish-heads almost as much as you do. Do you think they saw us? No, I don't. Oh, wow! (SNIFFS) Oh... What are you doing?! What? I'll write you a prescription. Let's go. Come on! Alright! (RATTLING) (DOGS SNARL) On my go. Ready? Whoa! Ssh... (DOGS BARK) (Come on! Back here!) Hey, guys... Listen, we don't want any trouble. Er, we just got... lost on the river, you know... Hey, can we use your phone? Oh, of course(!) And, and... Who cares, you know...? (ALL YELL) Let's go through there! Where? There's no door! (GUNFIRE CONTINUES) Waarrgh! Lynyrd! Skynyrd! Come on, Danno! Good work, buddy. Thanks! Let's go. (GUNFIRE) Go, go, go! What did we do? Oh...! Why are there flares? Great mother of ganja! (GUNFIRE) C'mon! I see 'em! I got 'em! Come back! Ain't gonna hurt you, boys! Just wanna talk to you. There they are, right there! Head to the left. I'll cut 'em off. Go! They're shooting! I think I got them, Dennis! (ALL YELL) Come on, Dennis! I'm gonna get 'em! (ALL COUGH) Can't see nothing through this smoke! (ALL YELL) We're dead! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) They're gonna... (ALL GIGGLE) (ALL LAUGH) You set the flares too close! The whole damn field's on fire! WHERE THE HELL ARE THE DAMN DOGS?! (DOGS GROAN) You guys gotta promise not to tell my patients I got stoned cos they'll think I'm a stoner and I won't have a licence any more and they'll take away all my instruments and my coat and I won't have a parking space - (LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY) I lost my legs...! (THUMP!) Get up, you stoner dogs! Get up! You gotta move your legs. (LAUGHS) I think I see 'em. They got laser scopes! They had you pinned! Scopes! (LAUGHS) Dudes, dudes... Seriously... Seriously... I will give you four cows for Denise's hand in marriage. (GUNSHOT) (ALL LAUGH) I'll give 'em something to laugh about. (BOTH LAUGH) (GASPS) (LAUGHS) Matrix! C'mon! Arrrgh, my back! Cut 'em off at the river. Jerry! Jerry! Billy! Jesus, Billy! I miss you! You gonna find DB's treasure? I'm just trying to make it out of here alive. Don't give up! Hey, is it cool to be a grown-up? Not really, my man. Stop! You're gonna run into - Aargh! We can't outrun 'em. We gotta hide. How? How? Let's get 'em! Man, our whole crop is burning! Those assholes are dead, and the bodies attached to 'em are dead, too! D-E-A-D, dead! ASSHOLES! A-S-S-H-... Stop spellin'! Come on! We're gonna get you! You can only run so far! And you can never hide! (POUNDING HEARTS / DEEP RESPIRATION) (CRUNCH!) (CHOKES) Bullfrogs. I hate bullfrogs. They're nasty. Don't waste the ammo. They must've headed up towards the river. (GASPS / CHOKES) (COUGHS) It crawled... straight in my stomach! I think it laid its eggs in my stomach! 1 You think they're still following? I don't wanna stop and find out. It's not all burned. I think we're going to be OK. You think? Yeah. You think?! Yeah. Dammit! It's all burned. I knew it, Dennis! It's all burned. They burned it. Oh, yeah! It's all burned. The whole damn field is burned. But we got a bigger problem, Elwood! We got three bona fide yuppies out there, lost somewhere, and we got to track 'em. We got to catch 'em, and we got to kill 'em! I think we can slow down. I haven't heard dogs or guns for hours. You slow down. Get a stick of dynamite up your ass. Calm down, Daniel. We're gonna be alright. No, we're not! We could really die out here! I can't believe I would listen to you guys. "Let's go take Billy's trip!" "Let's... Let's find DB's treasure! I'll get a canoe!" Is he alright? "It'll be great! Mm-mm-mm!" "DB's treasure!" Is he having a panic attack? I dunno. Yes, make jokes. Good idea. Is this living-in-the-moment enough for you, Jerry? Is this the carefree life you wanted? Is this the wilderness adventure you were dreaming of? How should I be, Dr Dan? Tell me. Be afraid! I am afraid. Then, act like it! It is very confusing to people in your life when you don't act how you feel! No wonder Denise is fed up with you. Where'd you get this crap? Whoa! Take it easy. Put your hands down! You take it easy, Mr Joe Tattoo,... You gonna start with me now? ..Mr Supercool, Mr Bullet Wound - Tom, you... You got shot! Oh, cool! He got shot? Yeah. Come here. Are you alright? You could lose a roll of pennies in that thing! It just grazed you. You're really lucky. Wow! That's gonna be a great scar! I'm gonna stitch it up good. Lose the cleaver. The cleaver's my favourite! It's scary, but ultimately ineffective. Lose it. Dennis, you don't under... stand... Them three boys get back to town, you gonna spend the next 40 years in the can getting manhandled. Quit messing around. Lose the cleaver. I love the cleaver. (WHIMPERS) Sorry. Ugh... Hey, Danno... I'm sorry I got you into this. I really am. Jerry, I wanted to come. We'll get out of it. When we do, someone's buying the first round. Not it! Not it! Tom, I think you're buying with all that Harley money. Oh, God, it's making me sick. I'm sorry. I, er... That whole thing was an exaggeration. What, you don't make that much? No. I don't sell Harleys. In fact, the only thing I've sold lately are some clothes and CDs. They weren't even mine! That's not exaggeration. That's a lie. You know, you lie a lot. I know. What happened? Well, first it was blackjack, then the cards went south. Then I started betting football, baseball... I lost everything. What I expect? I got no luck, Jerry. It's like my old man used to say. Family curse. If we didn't have bad luck, we wouldn't have luck at all. You gotta stop blaming your old man. I'm not blaming anyone! Yeah, you are. "The family curse"! Yeah! It's real. I'm a great gambler. Well, your dad was a piece of work. He had his own things going on. But if he did one thing right, it was not raising a complete idiot. You're not him. You're a lot smarter, for one thing. Right, Danno? Well, I wouldn't say a lot smarter. Tom, you have a lot more going for you than you think you do. That's easy for you to say. You're a freakin' doctor. You got a big old bank account, a ginormous house, big thick red hair... I wouldn't be so jealous of me. Every day I develop some new and exciting phobia. You're exaggerating again. I'm afraid of the dark. A lot of people are. I know a shitload. I'm afraid of small spaces. Again, not abnormal. Cellophane. Like saran wrap?! Yeah. Yeah, you're alone on that one. I won't even keep it in the house because I'm afraid it'll get... draped over my head, and stick to my mouth and nose, and I'll suffocate. How pathetic is that? Very. Ow! (CHUCKLES) Relax. You're almost through. (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Would one of you grab my... phone?! That's a phone. (PHONE RINGS) It's that way! Phone! How'd your phone get up here? Who cares? Last thing I remember it was - (GROWLING) (ALL YELL) That bear loves you, Danno! Whizz Kid Dick, this is Lightning Company. Come in. We are on the move and loaded for bear. Come back, come back - (GROWLS) Why'd you stop? Right there! Footprints! Oh, it's theirs. It's weird... Footprints with no people in 'em. I mean, it's like it's them... but it's not them, you know what I mean? Rarely. Get on your wheeler. Hold on a second, guys. You know what we should do? We ought to climb the tree, get a good look at the land. Maybe we'll see a road or a way out of here. Yeah, I'll go. Gimme a boost. Tom, wait. You can use these. Thanks. Just be careful! Are you maintaining a safe distance? Yeah, two-second rule. I know. (BIRDS CRY) You see anything? Hey, guys, this is really cool! What is he doing up there? Tom, do you see a road? Any signs of life? (GASPS) Are you kidding me?! Tommy! Tom, do you see anything or not? I think I might still be stoned! Hello! Excuse me, miss! Ladies! My name is Flower! You may call me Butterfly! And if you're from the logging company, you'll have to speak to our lawyers. Look to your left. You can totally see her downstairs. What?! Er,... we're not from the logging company! (BOTH) Peace! (LAUGHS) Hey, peace! Peace! What's your name? Jerry! Jerry Conlaine! And what's your forest name? Slug! His forest name is Slug! I gotcha. Thanks, Tom. Thanks a lot. I'm sorry, Slug. We can't abandon our post. Do you understand? Can we come up there, then? Please? Come on up! So then we run straight into this freezing pond and we hid under water using these reeds - Like pussy-willow reeds? Really? Just like that. It must've been so hard to breathe! It's been quite a trip. Do you guys have a cellphone? Sorry, Slug. They're bad for the environment and people who live in the environment. Right... Your poor boys! You need to get out of those damp clothes. Let us wash them for you. No, I'm fine... Let us nurture you! No, no! Oh, boy! Mighty Oak could go for some nurturing. Stay right there. Stay right there. That's... Just relax, Condor. No, it's OK, honestly. I'm actually not into being touched. I'm a doctor, so I usually do the touching. But I've been told I give a very good calf massage. If you roll down those stockings I could give you one. Stockings?! Er,... leg-warmers? I'm all natural. (CHUCKLES) Supernatural! You guys live up here year round? We've been up here 287 beautiful days. How do you guys get supplies? When we need supplies, we radio the Earthchild Support Network. Radio? You... You guys have a radio? We haven't used it since that last big thunderstorm. Remember that, Flower? Oh, my God, that thunderstorm was so spiritual! Earthchild's limbs were just waving, heaving back and forth like she was dancing in rhythm to the thunder! It was just, like, bam, bam,... Ohhh! ..bam! Full-on... Tantric... orgasm. So, where's this radio? Tree had an orgasm? You don't say! We danced naked in the storm, all night! And held each other soaking wet until the morning. The rain is like a drug. It just makes you wanna... What? Makes you wanna what? (BOTH GIGGLE) Can we please use the radio? Sure thing, Slug. "(STATIC)" Da-dahh! Wow! Monkey feet! Yeah! It's like a second pair of hands. Hello. Anyone out there? My name's Jerry Conlaine and my friends and I are lost in the woods. Hello? You gotta say over. Over. "I read you, son! This is Ranger Station 22." "What is your position? Over." See, he said over. We are two miles east of Herald's Bluff in a giant redwood called Earthchild. Over. "In a tree? We'll find you." "We will... give assistance and whatnot." Peace! Over! You just sit tight. We're coming to get you. Over and out! * We ran out of food in Borneo and ended up eating our mosquito nets. Just salted it up and - (ALL LAUGH) Oh, you messy thing! Let me get that. Thank you! Well, there's plenty more grubs here, Condor. Oh, I couldn't. That bark shot right through me. I need to visit the little trees' room. Where do you do the... do? Topside of the tree. Got a real kick to it! Wow! Bag it when you're done. Put it in the basket up top. If you bring it in, you take it out. Yeah. Right? OK, will do. Er, do you have any paper? Oh! Oh, great.... I think I'll wait till we get to the ranger station. (ENGINE ROARS) Someone's here! Afternoon, ladies! That's a nice-looking tree! Get in a line! Come on down! They're gonna kill Earthchild! No, they're after us. We gotta get down and make a run for it, right? (LAUGHS) (BOTH WAIL) Go to it, Elwood. We're gonna die up here in a stupid tree! Condor, even if your bodily death is extraordinary painful, your soul will live on. Everything happens for a reason! Listen up, karma chameleons! Nobody's dying. Here's the plan! I will rappel down, and then I'm gonna secure the rope and distract them. You two slide down after me, alright? Stop that! Cut it down, Elwood! Good plan, Jerry. One small change. Time to find out whether I have the family curse or not. For me, Jer. For me? Can't wait to see you again! Yeah. Go, go, go. Give 'em hell, Tommy. This Hellmart's open for business, and I'm slashing prices. Whoo! (FLOWER) Stop! (DENNIS) Come on, boys. Don't be afraid. We got to cover him. I have an idea. Arrrrgh! Just send the boys out! There won't be no more trouble, Earth-Momma. It's heavier than it looks. Oh, yeah! You got it! You got it! Oh, yes! I'm hit! I'm hit! It's turding, Dennis! (ALL) One, two, three! (BOTH) Oh, shit! Danno, let's go! GET AWAY FROM MY TREE! I can't do this, Jer! OK! It's jamming up my gun barrel. This is not me! You're a beautiful spirit. Fly free, and know that love follows you. Thank you,... kind, crazy, hairy lady of my dreams! That's cute! Shoot her! GET OFF MY TREE! Filthy hippy! Shoot her again! That is IT! I don't wanna do this, Jerry. Remember we used to jump off that railroad bridge into Cedar Lake? That was higher than this. I never jumped. You guys always pushed me when I wasn't looking. Oh, yeah. Ooh! Whoa! Aaagh! Go! (YELLS) (THUMP!) Hold on! I made it! (FLOWER) Look, would I kill your grandma?! I don't think so! Whoo! He's getting away with our wheeler! (YELLS) Come on, let's go! Get on! Move it, move! Come on, Jer! Go, go! Dennis, we got to move! Right, I'm on. Go! Go! Hold on, Danno! Can't this thing go any faster?! (ROARS) Shoot the white rabbit! (MAKES ENGINE NOISES) What are you doing? I'm pretending I'm on a speeder bike so I can block out reality! It's my process. Leave me alone! (MAKES ENGINE NOISES) Through there! I can see a clearing! That way! That way, that way! Whoa! (ALL YELL) Dammit, Elwood! I think I just swallowed my underpants! Shoot 'em! (VOICE ECHOES) I can't believe they survived that fall. They're getting away! They're trapped like rats. Only way they can go is up the mountain. We know where they're headed. Let's go. Fly pack. Tom! Keep moving. (CHUCKLES) Getting close, Elwood. This way. Alright. That is it. I'm out! I'm out. I'm out. I have spent the last two hours within sniffing distance of a sweaty ball-sac and a sweaty ball-sac, and I am out. I'm out! What does that mean? I think it means he's out. Like coming out. Like he's finally admitted he's gay. You know, I'm just gonna stay here until help comes. I mean, this is serious! I lost my inhaler. I've known you almost 25 years now. I've never seen you have a hint of asthma anything! That's because I have the inhaler, Jerry! No, I think Jerry's right. This whole thing's just in your head. Just take a couple of deep breaths and you'll get over it. Why didn't I think of that? I'll just get over my chronic illness. I'll just breathe... There you go. I'm over it! See? That wasn't that hard, was it? You gotta relax, Danno. Alright? This is no time to give up hope. Just keep going. I'm convinced that this is the perfect time to give up hope. I don't know that there has ever been a better one. I mean, look at this! Things are as bad as they could possibly get! I stand corrected! What are you doing?! It's raining! It's raining! Tom, man, get under here. You're gonna die of pneumonia! Though we will die of hypothermia. Look, our only chance is to huddle together. We got to huddle together for warmth. I, for one, choose death. Interesting! One minute you mock my sweaty ball-sac, and now you wanna cuddle with it. You know, the whole huddle-up thing is the oldest trick in the book. I've used it. It's just for getting a girl naked. Worked, though,... every time. # My mind's telling me no # But my body, my body's telling me yes # Baby # I don't wanna hurt nobody # But there is something that I... # ..must confess... # I don't see nothing wrong # With a little bump and grind # With a little bump and grind # I don't see nothing wrong # Hey, baby # This never leaves the cave. (THUNDER BOOMS) I'm starting to feel warm. See? I told you guys. Let's just try and get some sleep. Psst. Hey, Danno... Mmn-hmn? How hot were those chicks in the tree? Mmn! They were hairy but hot. The rain... Dancing to the rhythm of the thunder. Full-on Tantric orgasm. Are you kidding me? Hey, dude, didn't she kiss you once? Mmn... It was nice. Oh, my God. They are probably dancing naked right now. Hmn... Dancing... Soaking... wet. Hey... Hmn... Hey! (ALL) Oh! How could you? That wasn't me. It was Jerry! Jerry! Why did you do that? My bad! What happens in the cave stays in the cave. Oh, my God. That was your... Come back to bed. I'm freezing. Not till he puts Jabba back in his hut. Freeze, perverts! Wait! Just, please, don't shoot us. This isn't what it looks like. If you're gonna rape somebody, rape Danno. Did I ask you to talk? No. Come with me. Or I'll shoot your testicles off, then stuff 'em, and mount 'em on my mantelpiece... That's gonna be an ugly mantelpiece. Go on! That's it. Come on. What is it? Cinnamon. Mmn-hmn. What are you doing? Collecting herbs for your goddamn garden? No. All the twigs are broken. They've been through here. That they have. * Nice place(!) Get along. (GULPS) Build this yourself? Open the door. OK, I'm going. That's it. It's a lot warmer in here. (SHUDDERS) Hmn... (ALL SHUDDER) (I think he's gonna try to cook us.) Psst. Ah-ah-ah. Where are you going? # Oh, Susanna # Don't you cry for me # If you're gonna kill us, just do it! I am sick of waiting to die! OK. Was that reckless? Yes! If I was gonna kill ya, I'd have done it outside. (ALL) Oh! Thank you! You're very gracious, man. It's a good one. With a happy ending. DB... What'd you call me? DB. The maps... You are, aren't you? You're DB Cooper. No, I ain't DB Cooper. That's ancient history. I tell you what's not ancient history, though. Three naked... deviants on my mountain. We were searching for DB and, yes, we're naked and we're trespassing, but there's a perfectly good explanation. First thing, I want you to put some clothes on. Oh! And then I'd like to hear this story. (ALL) Thank you. Thank you. More of your own home-made fashions? I wouldn't mind wearing a deer pelt. I'd get dressed faster if I were you cos I've been alone for 30 years. Oh, God! OK! They would've come in here to escape the rain. They lay down right here, Dennis. Right here. Lay down beside me. In order to stalk your prey, you gotta go where they go and do what they do. Then a scuffle broke out and there were some harsh words exchanged, and they beat that little one until he was limp. Elwood, I don't need to know what happened. I just need to know which way they went. Up mountain. Let's get back to the wheeler. I know a short cut around Devil's Staircase. We can still beat them. And you, you scared us with your testicle-mounting speech! Came right off the top of my head. It was very scary. Creepy, too. May I ask you one question? Could you really see their downstairs? Oh, yeah. You could see everything. It was... It was quite a view. Mmn. So, Del, were you DB's partner? And his best friend, too. We'd known each other ever since we were... able to pee straight. So, er,... ..is he still alive? I don't know. DB had this plan, see. When he jumped out of the aeroplane, he was gonna land three degrees northwest of Red Devil Ridge. And he had a flashlight, he was gonna signal me, I'd find him and we were gonna work our way down to Rio. Oh! I love Rio. Wh... What happened? It snowed. A blizzard. You couldn't see anything. You couldn't see your own hand. I don't know where he landed. I looked for him for months. So did the FBI. So did the cops. No DB. No money. But... you could've left. Why stay up here all these years? Seemed like a good idea at the time. You know what I mean, kid? Yeah. I do. Have you ever spent 30 years in a cabin? No. Then, you don't know what I mean. I mean, metaphorically, I know what you mean. Metaphorically, ever spent 30 years in a cabin? Y... No. Well, then, think before you talk. Point is, I spent the best years of my life sitting on the porch, playing the harmonica, waiting for something better. And the years have been going by faster and faster. And then, all of a sudden, I was an old man. I bet you can play the shit out of that harmonica. That I can. Except there's no-one around to hear me play. Piece of advice, you can lose your money, you can spend all of it, and if you work hard, you get it all back, but if you waste your time,... ..you're never gonna get it back. Whatever it is you fellas are looking for, you gotta go out and get it. And you gotta go right now. Not... RIGHT NOW, you idiots. Well, you boys get some sleep. In the morning, I'll point you in the right direction. Get you right off this mountain. '(HUMMING)' (HUMS) Morning! (SNIFFS) Mmn... Mmn, bacon! It's squirrel. Mmn, squirrel. Ha! Nice T-shirt, JJ. What...? That's my JJ Walker T-shirt. Dy-no-mite! Dy-no-mite! Dy-no-mite! DY-NO-MITE! That's too big. Bathroom? Outside. Thought so. Dy-no-mite! Dy-no-mite! Creep-in' me out! Look at this! (LAUGHS) '"(INDIANA JONES THEME TUNE)"' (GASPS FRANTICALLY) Huh? Huh? Oh. Ugh! Does a bear shit in the woods? Hey! Does a bear shit in the woods? My cellphone! Where did you find that? Does a bear shit in the woods? Usually. Unbelievable. I gotta make a quick call. Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters? Denise. "(PHONE RINGS)" (ANSWERPHONE) "Hi. Jerry and Denise are no longer... doing it." "If you need Denise, call her on her cell. (BEEP!)" (GUNFIRE) It's killing time! Jerry, get down! (BOTH SCREAM) Hey, come on. Agh! Gimme a hand. Send 'em out! Every time I get comfortable...! Go due north, to the top of the ridge. Then you go directly west. OK. Keep going. You'll come to an old mining trail. Follow that right down to the bottom of the mountain. Alright. You go right. I go left. OK! I love this part! Come on! Did he say left or right? I hate this part! Have a good life, boys. Ready? Let's go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Look out! When you peckerwoods get your diapers cleaned, come on back! I'll be waiting. * West is this way. We're not going west. Yes, we are. The compass says so. It came out a cereal box! Why are we running the wrong way? Iron... What? There's iron in the hills. It's throwing off the magnet! We're still going the wrong way. So Del's compass wouldn't work. If DB was supposed to land northwest, it would have come off as directly west. Who cares? He would've landed some... (ALL) Aa-aa-aa-gh! (ALL GROAN) (GROANS) My throat, neck, chest... Guys, I think we've found him. Jesus. (GASPS) This is him. This is DB Cooper! It has to be. The parachute and the briefcase... He must've broke his legs on the landing and stumbled in this hole. You poor bastard! Del looked for him but it was winter. The snow must've covered up the top there and... (ALL GASP / LAUGH) It's him. That's him. We did it. DB Cooper! Who else would it be? This case is empty. The money's gone. No, look. Look what he's holding. He burnt the cash to stay warm. He traded every dollar for just a few more hours of life. So much for the treasure. No, that's it. Being alive - that's the treasure. Here he is, boys. The great DB Cooper and his treasure. And we found it so we get our most valuable possessions back! Yeah. (ALL) Ugh! Ow! Gentlemen... Oh. Time to leave this stuff behind and get the hell home. Come on, Elwood. Well, boss, what's the plan now? We gotta find a way out of this hellhole and make a run for it. No. No more running. After everything we've been through, Dr Mott has finally run out of things to be afraid of. Do you hear that? I'm not scared of you, you neanderthal dicks... (BOTH) Ss-ss-ssh! We got it, alright! Light's coming from over there. What is that? A tunnel? Maybe it leads out of here. We're never getting through there. Tom... Danno... No. No. Uh-uh. No way. What happened to the bad-ass? What happened to running out of things to be afraid of? I... It was... This is a,... a small, dark space. I can't... I can't... I-It's a deal breaker. This could lead out of here. You're the only one small enough to go through. That's what she said! (LAUGHS TO SELF) I'm sorry! It's a mine shaft. They had to get the ore out somehow. It's our only chance, Dan. Come on, prairie dog. You can do it. (BARKS / HOWLS) I don't think that's helping. (SHUDDERS) OK. Come on. Let's get him like this and slide him in. Keep going, buddy. There's got to be light. Can you see light? I don't think I can. (PANTS) I don't think I can. Come on, Dan. (HUMS) Soothing songs from the past. It's too dark! (BOTH) # Do you really wanna # hurt me? # Do you really wanna... # Make me cry? (GIGGLES) # Precious kisses, words that burn me # Lovers never ask you why (ALL) # Do you really want to hurt me? Come on, Danno! # Do you really wanna make me cry? Ssh! Quiet. # ..burn me # Lovers never ask you why... I had a new-wave phase. # ..hurt me? # Lovers never ask you why # Do you really wanna hurt me? # ..hurt me? # # Do you really want to make me cry? (BOTH) # Yes, we really wanna hurt you # Yes, we really wanna make you cry # Precious kisses, words that burn me # Lovers never ask you... # How d'you like me now? Well, well, well. We got you, little city boys. We sure gotcha! This is just a misunderstanding. That was quite a run you gave us. You ain't running nowhere now. What am I doing? Game is up. Hold on, Dennis. I have a wonderful idea. Can I use this, please? Elwood, that is the best idea you have had ever. We got you now. (CHUCKLES) (BOTH) Ugh! Whaa-aa-aa-aa...! Ha! How do you like me now? Good work, Dan. What now? You got 'em, guys! Oh... Ugh! Agh! Ugh! Ooh, Elwood, are you alright? Argh! Good one, Jerry! Awesome! Stop cheerleading and help! Get 'em, Elwood! Get 'em off me! There's a grenade up here! (ALL) No-oo-oo! No biting! No biting! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Rrr-agh! Whoa! Gun! (GUNSHOT) Sheriff! Sheriff! Thank God you're here! My friends are in that hole. These guys are beating them up. They got us in this hole. Having a spot of trouble, city slickers? I never thought I'd be happy to see you again. Gimme that. Hey, hey. Fight's over, fellas. Come on, Jerry. Come on. (GRUNTS) Good work, Danno. I can't believe we made it! Not quite. Ladies, on your feet. Let's get this over with. Jesus, Hank. We were scared you was never gonna come. Oh, I scared you. You did. It's all about you. These boys have been running all - It's a damn good thing I got here. You two have been shooting up this mountain for three days chasing these jack-offs! Nice racket, Sheriff. Get a cut of the weed profits? (LAUGHS SCORNFULLY) Profits? They work for me, asswipe. What will you tell our families? You can't exactly explain this away. Explain? (LAUGHS) We don't have to explain anything. It's just three more city boys got lost on the river, that's all. Hey, I bet they got eaten up by scavengers. It's a terrible shame. (WHISPERS) Case closed! I wanna shoot the little red-head one. Now, look, I'm tired of talking. Let's get this done with. Over the edge you go, boys! Wait! Shut up! Wait, Sheriff. Wait! I'm gonna shoot now. No, no, no. Let's listen to this. Look, erm,... ..you and I, we're cut from the same cloth. We're a lot alike. Yeah, sure, I'm better with numbers and I bathe... often. I have a dental plan that's allowed me to keep all of my teeth. Unlike yourself. Yeah?! I learned a little somethin' the last couple of days, getting chased by Assface and Dick-chin, and that is I have two of the best friends anyone could ask for. I've got the love of a good woman. I've got a really good life. I mean, I've got an amazing life! And I have decided that my life's worth living. You have to decide if your life's worth living. Cos if it is, you'll put your gun down. And if we don't? Bye-bye, boys. Whoa! It's go time! Do this thing! Put the pin back in the grenade. That is my grenade, sir. The plan was for me to sacrifice myself while you two ran for it. My grenade... I'm not a mind-reader! Gimme back my grenade! (ALL) Oh... Dammit! Run! It's gonna blow! Get back! Let's go! (ALL) Agh! That's it. You're dead! When this is over, someone's buying the first round. Not it. Not it. Just shoot 'em. Think there's beer in heaven? I was thinking more about the bar in town. (ALL GASP / LAUGH INCREDULOUSLY) (GRUNTING) Let's... Let's get off this mountain. Ah, hell, yeah. (ALL LAUGH) These charges are un...substantiated and injustifigurable. That's right. We did it. How do you like me now?! This is the scene here at police headquarters, as three local heroes emerged to a cheering crowd. The men helped break up one of the biggest drug rings in state history while hiking in a remote section of the Cascades. My old man would not believe this. Billy wouldn't believe it. Actually, you know what? I think he would. Oh, my goodness! Whoo! Look at this ensemble! Look at you! Thank you, boys. Del! Ssh! No names. Fuzz. Glad I caught you guys. I got something for you. Whoa. What's this? DB's parachute. Are you sure? Damn sure. There's a little something for you inside. Thank you. Where you headed? Thought I'd see the world. I might even hit Washington. Wow. One state over. Till I do, I'm just telling tall tales. (CHUCKLES) Oh, remember, carry your friends, wherever you go. Close to your heart. Or on your back. I got DB's bones in my satchel. Thought I'd give him a proper burial. I spent 30 years waiting to have a life! (CHUCKLES) What the hell...? Oh, my gosh! Oh, my God! DB didn't burn it all. He couldn't. It was Del's share. There's gotta be 100 grand in here. W-We'll split it. Three ways. One third. One third. One third. Ah... You know what? No thanks. I'm, er... I'm good. I'm not good! You guys split it. You wanna split it? Fifty-fifty? Actually, I can't. Because I bet you a hundred grand that you couldn't catch a salmon with a flashlight. Besides, you got bills to pay. You got a new life to start. I don't know what to say. Just say we're square. (BREATHES DEEPLY) No, actually, w-we're not square. I seem to recall a certain part of that wager being one left nut. And I'm gonna get it. Come on. Hey! Hey! Oh, no! Don't make me go through the throat! You said I could keep it. No, no! You said I could keep it! Officer! "(PHONE RINGS / ANSWERPHONE)" "This is Jerry. I can't come to the phone." "I am trying to convince the love of my life to give me another chance, and prove to her that I grew up just enough to know that I want the responsibility of being there, for her, in this relationship which I am hoping will some day become marriage and kids and a long and unbelievably happy life together." Hi, hon. # "Ooh La La" - Faces # I wish that # I knew what I know now # When I was younger # I wish that I knew what I know now # Ooh, la, la # Ooh, la, la, la, la, yeah... # I'm... so happy right now. That was really,... really beautiful. # "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?" (STEREO) Will you get the light, hon? Oh, yeah. 'You're so good at that now.' '(LAUGHS)' And then I jumped on the grenade to save my buddies. And boom! Blew my ribcage all to shit. Sent me 156 feet in the air. Then I went back and paid off all my debts in full with DB's money. One question. Hmn? What's a downstairs? # Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam # Yeah, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam # Black Betty had a child, bam-ba-lam # Damn thing gone wild, bam-ba-lam # She's always ready, bam-ba-lam # She's all rock steady, bam-ba-lam # Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam # Yeah, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam # Alright # Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam # Yeah, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam # She really gets me high, bam-ba-lam # Yeah, that's no lie, bam-ba-lam # She's always ready, bam-ba-lam # She's so rock steady, bam-ba-lam # Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam # Yeah, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam # Yeah # Oh, yeah # Alright # Oh, yeah # Alright # Oh, yeah # Alright # Oh, yeah # Oh, ye-aa-ah # Hey www.able.co.nz Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Able 2014