Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2020 SHEEP BLEAT FARMER WHISTLES SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT FARMER WHISTLES FARMER WHISTLES DOGS BARK SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT FARMER WHISTLES Henry, we've got a bolter! Henry, Tucker ` go get it. (WHISTLES) SHEEP BLEAT Get down. Hold him! Hold him! Hold him. DOG BARKS DOG BARKS Good boy. Get down. Get down! DOG BARKS DOG BARKS Hold him. That's it. Good on ya, boy. SHEEP BLEAT Captions by Faith Hamblyn. Edited by June Yeow. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. Www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2020 Henry had a little lamb. Its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Dudley went, Henry was sure to go. SQUELCH! Mrs Mac, they're coming down for lunch soon. Mrs Mac, they're coming down for lunch soon. < FAINTLY: Righty-oh, Henry. Dudley? BIRDS CHIRP Dudley, where are ya, boy? BIRDS CHIRP Dudley? BIRDS CHIRP Dudley? Dudley? Dudley? Come out of there, Dudley. (PANTS) (PANTS) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (ROARS) (ROARS) (SCREAMS) (ROARS) (SCREAMS) (ROARS) Boys! Angus, pull your head in! > Henry,... > boys,... it's your father. There's been an accident. (GASPS) (PANTS) (GASPS) SHEEP BLEAT City boy, eh? No. I grew up on a farm. No. I grew up on a farm. Oh, me too. (GASPS) Are you all right, my friend? Need some fresh air? Are you all right, my friend? Need some fresh air? Close it. Close it! CELLPHONE BEEPS (SIGHS) Dr Kerry's office. Dr Kerry's office. It's Henry Oldfield. I need to speak with her. She's in a session right now. Can I have her call you? She's in a session right now. Can I have her call you? Please. Please. Nothing like it, eh? God's green earth, all creatures great and small. (GASPS) (GASPS) Right. Here we go. SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT BIRDS CHIRP BIRDS CHIRP OK. OK. This way. This isn't gonna be like the salmon farm, is it, Grant? This isn't gonna be like the salmon farm, is it, Grant? Hey ` those fish died free. (PANTS) Come on, possum. Come on, possum. Shh. Shh. What's that? PLANE DRONES (PANTS) Angus fucking Oldfield. PLANE DRONES SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT You'll wait for me, right? You'll wait for me, right? Well, it's your money. (SIGHS) BIRDS CHIRP BIRDS CHIRP Hello? Hello? (SIGHS) BIRDS CHIRP BIRDS CHIRP (CHUCKLES) Unless you fancy nostrils in the back of your head, I'd not be moving if I were you. Mrs Mac. Bugger me days. Henry! Oh. (LAUGHS) Oh God. Oh. (LAUGHS) Oh. Oh, don't worry. I haven't shot anyone since Christmas. I haven't shot anyone since Christmas. BOTH LAUGH I haven't shot anyone Oh, just wait until your brother sees you. Yeah. The merino, the Romney, the Drysdale. These names are whispered in the winds. They caress the rugged hills. These names are shared in corners of the farmyard. And these are the names that young men of the land recite as they take themselves off at night. But in the future, they will whisper just one name ` the Oldfield. And now you take it, uh, down and lead it round in front of the guests. That's it. Stop. They can touch it, just have a think, feel the wool. Oh, and take the other microphone. Give it to anyone else who... has a question. Get a prospectus on every seat. And go up the hill and get the animal. What are you doing here? The lawyers have this under control, don't they? What are you doing here? The lawyers have this under control, don't they? What am I doing here? What are you doing here? The lawyers have this under control, don't they? here. (SCOFFS) Our family's been here for over 100 years. Our father was born here. Our mother died giving birth to me here. This is where I spent the first 10 years of my life. And my therapist said I should come. And my therapist said I should come. (SCOFFS) Therapy. (SNIFFS) So you're still funny about the sheep. It's not about the sheep. It's about other issues I need to resolve. It's not about the sheep. It's about other issues I need to resolve. OK. It's not about the sheep. It's about other issues I need to resolve. (BLEATS) (BLEATS) (GASPS) Angus. Come inside. I'll cut you a cheque. (SIGHS) BIRDS CHIRP That must be the laboratory. (PANTS) There ya go ` Astrid Rush. Who'd hire her after that thing with the leeches? CAMERA SNAPS PHOTOS Your end? Your end? Yeah. Yep. Yep. Your end? Yeah. Yep. Yep. Come and give a hand here. CAMERA SNAPS PHOTOS Careful. > Grant. Up. Up. Higher. Up. Up. Higher. Shit. (PANTS) (PANTS) Yeah, baby. Yeah! Run after him! Run after him! (GASPS) Oi! Go! Go! Hey, wait! (PANTS) (PANTS) It's all right. They'll never catch us. They're meat eaters. It's all right. They'll never catch us. They're meat eaters. (PANTS) OK. What was one, Grant? What was one, Grant? What? Um, get in unobserved. What was one, Grant? What? Um, get in unobserved. Right. And what was two? What was one, Grant? Collect visual evidence. Get out unobserved? Get out unobserved? Yeah. And four? Blow this fucking game wide open. Take the bastard under. Be who has the balls to save NZ from genetically engineered disaster. No, Grant. Four was 'Have a meeting about what to do next'. No, Grant. Four was 'Have a meeting about what to do next'. This is evidence. OK? It's evidence. (GASPS) Actually, that's probably highly toxic genetic material. (GASPS) Actually, that's probably highly toxic genetic material. Fucking A. (GASPS) Actually, that's probably WHISPERS: Fucking A. And it's mine. Or it's ours. You and me, baby. All the way. Yeah... Grant, about the 'you and me' bit, now I wonder if our relationship isn't kinda` Shh. Shh. He's around here somewhere. Go! Go! WHISPERS: Grant, wait! Go! WHISPERS: Grant, wait! < There he goes! < Oi! < Oi! (PANTS) Argh! Argh! GLASS SHATTERS Over there! Where is he? > Bugger! (SIGHS) (SIGHS) SHEEP WHEEZES Argh! (SCREAMS) (GASPS) (SCREAMS) SHEEP GROWLS (SCREAMS) * Right. That's for me. And that's for you. That'll buy you a lot of therapy. Well, there's not much around here in the way of your cappuccino culture. I'm sure Mrs Mac will do you a cup of tea and an Anzac biscuit for the road. That's it, then. You got rid of all Dad's things. Living in the past ` that's what's wrong with these bloody farmers. You own the biggest farm in the district. What does that make you? Here's where the smart farming's done, Henry. Is that what all that outside's in aid of? People are interested in what I'm doing, Henry. It's a new approach to farming. It's better for the animals, better for the farmers, better for the consumer. It's an exciting time to be in the agricultural sciences. And a profitable one. SHEEP WHEEZES (WHIMPERS) SQUELCH! More tea, Henry? I think three's enough. I should get going. That's a pity. You'll miss my rabbit pie. I'm making watercress for the Japanese. Look ` chopsticks. He's quite the lord of the manor now, isn't he? He's quite the lord of the manor now, isn't he? Uh, Angus was throwing this away. I know your father would have wanted you to have it. The Golden Shears. The Golden Shears. The best shearer in the country three years running. Your father said you were a natural too. I really can't see it on my coffee table. I really can't see it on my coffee table. You got what you came for, then. Angus has got his deal. Guess I'm done here. Guess I'm done here. I'm having the farm manager take you for a run up to the top. But I haven't been up there since the accident. But I haven't been up there since the accident. I know. That's why you're going. Oh, here he is now. Kia ora, Auntie. Kia ora, Auntie. Tucker >. SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS > SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP SNARLS (PANTS) Flash threads, bro. So you a model now or something? Flash threads, bro. So you a model now or something? I'm doing IT. Internet stuff. Flash threads, bro. So you a model now or something? Oh. Nude modelling? (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) And you're manager now. (LAUGHS) And you're manager now. Well, your brother's not Farmer of the Year. (LAUGHS) And you're manager now. Angus thinks he has a handle on things. The only thing he's got a handle on is his` The only thing he's got a handle on is his` TYRES SQUEAL UTE HORN HONKS UTE HORN HONKS OK, farm boy, let's see your stuff. Sure. OK. Come on. Argh! What happened to you, darling? < Give us a hand, bro. I just need to make a phone call. Jesus, man. Just gonna shove her back over the fence. Jesus, man. Just gonna shove her back over the fence. CELLPHONE BEEPS CELLPHONE BEEPS Hey. Hands up? Hands up? Hands up! (GASPS) (GASPS) (PANTS) It's OK. It's OK, though. I'll protect you. (GIBBERS) (PANTS) (GROANS) Grant? > Grant? Will this take long? I have a taxi waiting. If you fascists have hurt him, I will organise the biggest sit-in this farm has ever seen. Look, we don't know where your friend is. OK? Maybe my brother could help. Maybe my brother could help. Brother? Maybe my brother could help. Brother? Angus Oldfield. I can see you are an Oldfield. I can see it in your aura. Oh, I think that was just something he stepped in back there, eh? Oh, I think that was just something he stepped in back there, eh? No. You have a very selfish aura. How would you like a taste of what you're dishing out? How would you like a taste of what you're dishing out? The safety's on. How would you like a taste of what you're dishing out? Just... Yeah, on the other side. < Back a bit. And down. Back and down. Up. Here. Here. Here. Here. There we go. Here. Yeah, right (!) (LAUGHS) There we go. Here. Yeah, right (!) (LAUGHS) (SCOFFS) (SIGHS) (SOBS) (SOBS) (SOBS) TV: They're not going to enjoy that at all. Penalty right there. That's right. That's right. BLEATING > That's right. BLEATING > (SCREAMS) > Bloody... his mum and them were there, and they were, like, looking around at us, and... (SIGHS) (SIGHS) What about me? Can we give you a ride somewhere? Maybe to the car, so I can, um,... Maybe to the car, so I can, um,... Organise your sit-in? Maybe to the car, so I can, um,... Organise your sit-in? Wait for my... for Grant. I'm Henry. This is Tucker. What's your name? I'm Henry. This is Tucker. What's your name? Experience. Has been so far. What's your name? Has been so far. Has been so far. MEN CHUCKLE Has been so far. MEN CHUCKLE Why shoot me, Experience? Because this farm subjects innocent animals to cruel, sadistic torture. Because` Smoke. DOG BARKS You coming? You coming? Um, uh... Mike! Mike! Oh my God. What? The feng shui in this room is terrible. The feng shui in this room is terrible. (SCOFFS) RATTLING > Anyone there? Mike? (GASPS) (GASPS) SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP SNARLS Jesus, man, it's not gonna bite. Jesus, man, it's not gonna bite. < THUDDING AGAINST DOOR What's it doing? Jesus, man, it's not gonna bite. What's it doing? What's it doing? What is wrong with you? What's it doing? What is wrong with you? Ovinaphobia, my therapist calls it. Well, what's that? What is wrong with you? Well, what's that? Well, what's that? An unfounded and irrational fear that this is gonna happen! Well, what's that? This happens when you run a reckless genetic-engineering programme. Who'd engineer that? Who'd engineer that? Your brother. Who'd engineer that? Your brother. < SHEEP BLEATS (SCREAMS) THUDDING AGAINST DOOR Mike. (PANTS) (PANTS) < WOOD SPLINTERS (PANTS) < WOOD SPLINTERS < (SCREAMS) SHEEP SNARLS < WOOD SPLINTERS SHEEP SNARLS SHEEP SNARLS Come on then, mutton chops. SHEEP SNARLS Come on then, mutton chops. GUNSHOT Bugger me. Bugger me. (GROANS) (PANTS) SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS Shoot it again! SHEEP BLEATS Shoot it again! < SHEEP SNARLS SHEEP BLEATS Shoot it again! GUNSHOT That give you something to talk to your therapist about? That give you something to talk to your therapist about? (PANTS) That give you something to talk to your therapist about? Oh! I'm gonna be sick. > (PANTS) (PANTS) SHEEP BLEAT (PANTS) SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT Oh shit. SHEEP BLEAT Oh shit. Oh shit. (PANTS) (PANTS) SHEEP BLEAT Kia ora. Kia ora. SHEEP BLEAT Kia ora. Kia ora. Kia ora. Kia ora. Kia ora. Kia ora. Kia ora. SHEEP BLEAT Kia ora. Kia ora. SHEEP BLEAT Rattle your dags, Henry! There we go. There we go. SHEEP BLEAT There we go. SHEEP BLEAT Good girls. They're fine! They're fine! (GASPS) They're fine! (GASPS) You get Henry. I'll start the car. God, your chi is a shambles. Huh? Huh? Take a deep breath. (GASPS) (GASPS) < You need to ground yourself. You're a tree. < Come on. < Come on. (SNIFFS) A tree. (SNIFFS) (SNIFFS) Your taproot extends down into the earth. My... My what? My... My what? That's your base chakra. Feel the energy drawing out of the soil. < Can you feel it? Yeah. Really? Really? Yeah. Come on, Henry. The energy flows up into your navel chakra, your solar-plexus chakra, into your heart chakra. It spreads to your branches, your twigs, your leaves. You are a mighty kauri commanding the forest. < Look with your third eye, totally relaxed. Totally relaxed. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) UTE HORN HONKS (SIGHS) UTE HORN HONKS Get on the fucking truck! (PANTS) (PANTS) Nearly there. Nearly there. (GASPS) SHEEP SNARLS Go. Go, go, go! SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT Watch out for the sheep! SHEEP BLEAT Watch out for the sheep! Shit! SHEEP BLEAT Sorry. Argh! Argh! What the hell's he doing? SHEEP SNARLS SHEEP SNARLS (GRUNTS) SHEEP SNARLS (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GROANS) (GRUNTS) (GROANS) (GROANS) SHEEP SNARLS (GROANS) SHEEP SNARLS (GROANS) (PANTS) We'll teach him. We'll teach him. (GROANS) We'll teach him. (GROANS) THUD! THUD! We'll teach him. (GROANS) SHEEP SPLUTTERS SHEEP SNARLS SHEEP SNARLS (GROANS) Is it turned on? (GROANS) (GROANS) (GROANS) SHEEP SNARLS (GROANS) SHEEP SNARLS Prime it! Prime it! (GROANS) What? CHAINSAW MOTOR STARTS SHEEP SNARLS (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) THUD! (GRUNTS) THUD! (GROANS) (GRUNTS) THUD! THUD! THUD! UTE HORN HONKS CRASH! (GROANS) SHEEP SNARLS SHEEP SNARLS Fuck! SHEEP SNARLS SHEEP SNARLS (HISSES) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) THUD! THUD! Oi, Henry! (PANTS) Are you OK? Are you OK? If it weren't for my gumboot... Are you OK? If it weren't for my gumboot... Who's driving? Jump! Jump! BOTH: What? Jump! BOTH: What? Jump off. Now! Jump off! (GRUNTS) SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS THUD! CRASH! * (GROANS) Shit! < Wow, what a beautiful view. This is, uh, where... This is, uh, where... I know. This is, uh, where... I know. This is what? Ooh. Long way down. I wouldn't wanna fall off there. I wouldn't wanna fall off there. There is where my father fell to his death. I wouldn't wanna fall off there. to hear that. Ooh, a sheep. Is that a good one or a bad one? Is that a good one or a bad one? SHEEP FARTS Is that a good one or a bad one? SHEEP FARTS (GIGGLES) Definitely bad. Not funny. Animal flatulence makes half the world's greenhouse-gas emissions. It's pure methane. The Kyoto protocol` The Kyoto protocol` (BELLOWS) (PANTS) What do we do? Reducing industry carbon emission` Reducing industry carbon emission` No, what do we do about raising the alarm? My phone... is in the truck. Tucker, what do you think? Tucker, what do you think? Head for the house. Tell His Lordship what's up. Tucker, what do you think? It's rough terrain, open paddocks, hot day, no cover ` it's pretty far. It's rough terrain, open paddocks, hot day, no cover ` it's pretty far. With about 50,000 sheep in-between. It's rough terrain, open paddocks, hot day, no cover ` it's pretty far. Then what? Then what? Then I get as far away from here as I can. You're still leaving? I'm especially leaving. What if the sheep get down there before us? > Then Angus is gonna have some unexpected visitors. Then Angus is gonna have some unexpected visitors. GULLS CRY TOY BLEATS (SNORES) Henry. Well? Well? No sign of him. The others have gone up the paddocks. You cannot make a cup of tea without some do-gooder starting a petition to have you do it their way. You ` help me in the lab, and you ` get rid of that stuff. GLASS SHATTERS (BARKS) (BARKS) > Bloody animals. Bloody animals. SHEEP SNARLS Bloody animals. SHEEP SNARLS (SCREAMS) Bloody animals. SHEEP SNARLS (SNIFFS) (SNARLS) CAR HORN HONKS You and your` your bloody four-wheel drive. Think you own the road? I do, actually. I do, actually. Angus Oldfield. What hole did you crawl out of? What hole did you crawl out of? WECA ` the Whole Earth Collective, Aotearoa. What hole did you crawl out of? (SIGHS) Mother Nature spent millions of years making sheep. She doesn't need your help. Don't tell me about nature. Man made sheep what they are today. I'm making them what they will be. If I was a sheep, I'd stay clear of you. If you were a sheep, I'd have you ground up for dog food. Now get the fuck off my land. (SNARLS) (SNARLS) (SCREAMS) (GASPS) (GASPS) (WHIMPERS) (PANTS) (PANTS) (PANTS) BIRDS CHIRP They might come from anywhere. They might come from anywhere. And they might not. Calm down, bro. So, this guy you're looking for, is he your boyfriend? So, this guy you're looking for, is he your boyfriend? My boyfriend? So, this guy you're looking for, is he your boyfriend? Yeah. Is he your boyfriend? Grant's in a cooperative. We share information and resources about environmentalism. So what were you two doing here? We heard some cowboy lab's flushing every animal research guideline down the toilet. Scum like Astrid Rush and your brother need to answer to somebody. You don't like people very much, do you? I would think you appreciate the deconstruction of colonialist, paternalistic, agrarian hierarchy that disenfranchises the tangata whenua and erodes Aotearoa's resources. Learn all that at university, did ya? Before you dropped out. I didn't drop out, thank you, I just missed exams while we were occupying a poultry farm, and... Anyway, that's none of your business. Anyway, that's none of your business. (GROANS) Anyway, that's none of your business. Are you OK? Rescue remedy? I don't need rescuing. I need Dettol and a sticking plaster. I don't need rescuing. I need Dettol and a sticking plaster. No, thanks. Fine. Suit yourself. < Wait. We should stick together. Tucker, I'm sorry. It's my fault you got bitten. Tucker, I'm sorry. It's my fault you got bitten. No, don't worry. It'll be O` Oh fuck! (GASPS) I'll get a tetanus shot, clear it right up. I'll get a tetanus shot, clear it right up. The sheep did that. Then I'll get the vet to have a look at it. It'll be fine. Then I'll get the vet to have a look at it. It'll be fine. (PANTS) SHEEP BLEAT Oh God. Here they come. Don't wait for me. Don't wait for me. I'm not leaving. What about the sheep? Don't wait for me. What about the sheep? What about the sheep? Well, fuck the sheep. What about the sheep? Well, fuck the sheep. No time for that, bro. Go, go, go! SHEEP BLEAT (PANTS) SHEEP BLEAT (PANTS) SHEEP BLEAT In here. In here. Not in there. Why not? It's been here forever. It's empty. Why not? It's been here forever. It's empty. No, it's not, bro. Why not? It's been here forever. It's empty. You got a better idea? You got a better idea? Go home. Get! Go on! You got a better idea? Go home. Get! Go on! SHEEP BLEAT DOG BARKS DOG BARKS Come on. SHEEP BLEAT Did you know about this? Did you know about this? I just thought they were playing with sperm or something. HEART SQUELCHES Oh God. BLOOD GURGLES SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS (GASPS) SHEEP BLEATS (GASPS) Stand back. SHEEP BLEATS Do it. Tucker. BLOOD GURGLES > BLOOD GURGLES > Jesus. You know you're gonna shoot me if I end up like that? You're trespassing. You're trespassing. Taihoa, Bo Peep. What is this? What is this? I told you, agricultural science. This isn't science. The sheep are revolting. This isn't science. The sheep are revolting. Aren't they? This isn't science. Now, Henry` I'll take that as your resignation. Angus, what would Dad think of this? Angus, what would Dad think of this? Nothing. He'd be knee-deep in mud with his hand up a sheep's arse. Angus, what would Dad think of this? My father fell off a cliff chasing a wool-blind ewe. My father fell off a cliff chasing a wool-blind ewe. SHEEP GROWLS Angus, the sheep ` they attacked us. Angus, the sheep ` they attacked us. Oh, nonsense. Your brother's clearly one of these lunatic greenies. Angus, the sheep ` they attacked us. Foot? Foot? Henry, I just won't allow you to disrupt things today. Foot? What are you going to do about it, eh? (GROANS) (GASPS) (GASPS) (GROANS) (GASPS) (GROANS) Whatever I have to. Angus, are you nuts? (GROANS) Angus, are you nuts? Angus, are you nuts? There's a lot riding on it, Henry. It'll be very profitable. Angus, are you nuts? Henry, get out of here! Do something! Get out of here! What? What? Move your arse! (PANTS) Henry, come on! Henry, come on! SHEEP GROWLS Stop. (SCOFFS) SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT This way. SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT (PANTS) (PANTS) SHEEP BLEAT > (PANTS) SHEEP BLEAT > (PANTS) Oh! (PANTS) < SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT Oh, what's down there? SHEEP SNARL Oh. Oh! Oh. Oh! SHEEP SNARL SHEEP BLEAT Look at them, Angus! Look at them, Angus! SHEEP BLEAT Look at you ` the fifth-generation farmer's son who's scared of a few sheep. You do need therapy. Argh! There's no deal, Angus. SHEEP BLEAT We have a contract, Henry. It's done. We have a contract, Henry. It's done. Not with all this going on. SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT Argh! Not with all this going on. SHEEP BLEAT Argh! Henry! SHEEP BLEAT Argh! Help me! Help me, Angus! Help me, Angus! (GROANS) < Angus! SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT (PANTS) SHEEP BLEAT (PANTS) I'm your brother! That's the thing about farms, Henry,... That's the thing about farms, Henry,... SHEEP BLEAT That's the thing about farms, Henry,... ...accidents happen. Let me go. Let me go. No. No. BOTH SCREAM OFFAL SQUELCHES (BIRDS CHIRP) (SOMBRE MUSIC) Everyone thinks they drive well. (HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRR, POLICE RADIO CHATTER) But I've never seen anyone crash well. (MACHINERY WHIRRS) MAN: Oh, that speed's fine along here. I know these roads. I know these roads pretty well too, and I'm doing everything in my power to stop you from seeing the things I've seen on them. OFFAL SQUELCHES * (RETCHES) (RETCHES) (PANTS) OFFAL SQUELCHES (COUGHS) Oh my God! OFFAL SQUELCHES Are you OK? Are you OK? I'll never be OK ever again. Oh! Argh! What's that? What's that? Geranium. Aromatherapy for uplift and hormonal balance. Do your hormones really need balancing? Considering I've been attacked by genetically engineered monsters, jumped off a moving vehicle, chased, dragged into a torture chamber and a mountain of rotting flesh; my hormones need fucking balancing. (SIGHS) Working yet? Working yet? Uplifting at any moment. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) OFFAL SQUELCHES What's going on? There are caves near the woolshed. If this is part of the same system, we'll walk right under the sheep. OFFAL SQUELCHES OFFAL SQUELCHES Right. (PANTS) OFFAL SQUELCHES BIRDS CHIRP BIRDS CHIRP All he had to do was leave. Why wouldn't he do that? What happened to those idiots I sent to collect you? BIRDS CHIRP (GASPS) (GASPS) That looks anomalous. What it looks like is the spontaneous cellular transferral we've been trying to achieve for months. Or possibly not so spontaneous. What's going on? What's going on? Oh, nothing. He'll be out for a while. Where's your brother and that girl? Where's your brother and that girl? Oh, don't worry. They're gone. Well, I don't know what they're on about. (LAUGHS) A sheep. Really. There's too many people around here today. A greenie bit me on my way up the hill. Bit you? Bit you? Mm. Looked like he hadn't bathed for months. WOUND SQUELCHES WOUND SQUELCHES Hmm. You might need a shot. (SIGHS) Well. I want this place secure. Yeah. I have something I need to observe here, but I'll be down presently. No. Stay here. No. Stay here. Stay here? I need to present my work. The last thing I need is someone with your reputation prancing about the place. My reputation didn't bother you when you needed someone to kick-start this venture. Or when you wanted to pursue some personal interests. (BLEATS) It was a solution you hadn't thought of. I'll send someone for the animal. You lock this place down, and stay out of the way. What about that shot? What about that shot? Put a plaster on it. I'm sure you'll be fine. The amount of bad karma your brother generates, he'll likely come back as a sheep. I don't wanna think about what Angus has been up to. Using your father's legacy as a testing ground for vile experiments. Using your father's legacy as a testing ground for vile experiments. Experience. What was all that about a deal? What are you here for today? What are you here for today? I sold him my share of the farm. I thought if I could come back here What are you here for today? move on. I thought if I could come back here and resolve things with him, I could move on. But these are your roots. I know. I know. SHEEP BLEATS I know. SHEEP BLEATS (SCREAMS) There's something in here. There's something in here. (GASPS) There can't be. Well, they'd have to... Well, they'd have to... SHEEP BLEATS ...jump. Well, they'd have to... ...jump. ...jump. Come on. ...jump. Come on. BOTH PANT Shit! I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here. BOTH PANT Down here. Down here. No. No way. If it's a way out, we're there. If it's a way out, we're there. If it's not, we're there forever. If it's a way out, we're there. If it's not, we're there forever. BOTH PANT < SHEEP BLEATS You go first. You go first. (PANTS) You go first. (PANTS) < SHEEP BLEATS You go first. (PANTS) (PANTS) It shouldn't be too far. Keep moving. (PANTS) I can't. (PANTS) You can. Look, you're a tree. Tree? Tree? Feel your roots in the ground. Feel your, um... Feel your, um... Chakra. ...chakra... Feel your, um... ...chakra... ...chakra... Base chakra. ...chakra... Base chakra. ...drawing energy from the ground. (SIGHS) OK, I feel it. There. You're relaxed. Relaxed. Don't get too relaxed. Don't get too relaxed. SHEEP SNARLS Go! Don't get too relaxed. Go! Go! < SHEEP SNARLS Go! < SHEEP SNARLS Go! Go! < SHEEP SNARLS (PANTS) < SHEEP SNARLS < SHEEP SNARLS < SHEEP SNARLS < Hurry up! < SHEEP SNARLS < Hurry up! Hurrying! < (GRUNTS) Don't stop! Don't stop! It's opening up! > Don't stop! It's opening up! > SHEEP SNARLS (GRUNTS) I'm stuck! I'm stuck! < SHEEP SNARLS I'm stuck! < SHEEP SNARLS (GRUNTS) < SHEEP SNARLS (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) SHEEP SNARLS (GRUNTS) SHEEP SNARLS (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) SHEEP SNARLS THUD! SHEEP SNARLS (GRUNTS) SHEEP SNARLS SHEEP BLEATS < SHEEP SCREAMS SHEEP SCREAMS I was wrong about your aura. Really? Well, I said it was selfish, but now I think it was something you stepped in. (CHUCKLES) This way. Address to a Haggis. Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face. Great chieftain o' the puddin'-race! Aboon them a' ye tak yer place. Painch, tripe or thairm. (SIGHS) Oh, hello, dear. (SIGHS) Oh, hello, dear. (GASPS) Did you see Henry up the hill? Did you see Henry up the hill? Uh, no. No. I think he's gone. I think he's gone. Oh? Really? I thought he would have at least said goodbye. Well, you can't tell what Henry will do, can you? Mm. (PANTS) It's all his bloody fault. (PANTS) He had his money, good money ` my money. Little baa... stard. * BIRDS CHIRP Up here. BOTH PANT (SIGHS) This is how I remember it. It's beautiful. Better hurry. (GASPS) BUZZING BUZZING What's that noise? BUZZING Somebody's shearing. SOFT GRUNTING SOFT GRUNTING SHEEP GRUNTS Hello? > SHEEP GROWLS SHEEP GROWLS Oh God. No. SHEEP SNIFFS Grant? SHEEP ROARS SHEEP ROARS Argh! SHEEP GROWLS SHEEP GROWLS (GASPS) What's happened to you? Grant, it's me, Experience. (PANTS) (GRUNTS) Hey! SHEEP GROANS SHEEP GROWLS Henry! > < SHEEP BLEATS < SHEEP BLEATS This way! Come on! < SHEEP BLEATS This way! Come on! (PANTS) < SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP GROWLS (GRUNTS) (PANTS) Round here. He's coming! He's coming! Come on. (GROANS) (GROANS) BOTH GASP Oh shit. SHEEP GROWLS SHEEP GROWLS Grant, what's that on your face? Is that blood? (PANTS) (PANTS) Have you been eating meat, Grant? Was it even organic? Was it even organic? SHEEP BURPS Was it even organic? Was it even organic? SHEEP BLEATS So, that's your boyfriend. I knew you liked animals, but I didn't think you'd` I knew you liked animals, but I didn't think you'd` He's not my boyfriend. Something must have bitten him. Something must have bitten him. You mean... Something must have bitten him. like Tucker? The amniotic fluid should work as an attenuated vaccine on the mutated cells. (PANTS) What's going on? (GROANS) (GROANS) Tell me how you feel. (GROANS) Tell me how you feel. Sore. Itchy. My... My skin feels really tight. Go on. Go on. (SCREAMS) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, wait. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, wait. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) CROWD CHATTERS Oh, hello. Thanks for coming. We're starting. We're about to kick off. There's my girl. There's my girl. SHEEP SNORTS SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS (SCREAMS) SHEEP BLEATS (SCREAMS) (GASPS) SHEEP SNORTS SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP ROARS SHEEP GROWLS SHEEP SCREAMS (SCREAMS) (GROANS) Oh shit! Angus won't be selling many sheep if he turns into one, will he? He might need that shot after all. You're a very lucky young man, to be witness to a new scientific frontier. I have a small errand to attend to, and then... we might try and replicate the effect on you with some of these cultures I have. Meantime,... you rest up. FOOTSTEPS RECEDE (GROANS) Konnichiwa, guten tag. Kia ora, gidday. This land was carved from virgin bush by my great-great-grandfather more than... 100 years ago. My family have sowed their seed here since that time. But now... I have a dream for the future. A dream of sheep. A dream of sheep. SHEEP BLEATS (LAUGHS) SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS Oh. SHEEP BLEATS (GASPS) (GASPS) SHEEP BLEAT > SHEEP BLEAT The merino, the Romney, CHOKES: the Drysdale. Excuse me. (PANTS) < SHEEP BLEATS < SHEEP BLEATS It's not far. It's just a quick trip through the trees. < SHEEP BLEATS < SHEEP BLEATS (GASPS) < SHEEP BLEATS (GASPS) SHEEP BLEATS > (PANTS) (PANTS) < SHEEP BLEATS (GASPS) Argh! (GASPS) (PANTS) (GASPS) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) CRUNCH! These names are shared in corners of the farm` These names are shared in corners of the farm` SHEEP BLEATS These` These` SHEEP BLEATS These` SHEEP BLEATS These names are names` These` SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS < SHEEP BLEATS Well, time to meet the star of our show, I suppose. I give you... the Oldfield. CROWD CHATTER APPLAUSE SHEEP BLEATS Quiet down. Quiet down. SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEATS SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEATS LOUDLY > Quiet now. Quiet, my pretty. DISTANT RUMBLING BIRDS CHIRP, SHEEP BLEAT * SHEEP BLEAT Oh no. HOOVES THUNDER SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT CROWD SCREAMS Perhaps it won't be that bad. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) SHEEP SNARLS (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) Easy. Easy. Easy! Argh! (PANTS) (PANTS) (SCREAMS) (PANTS) (SCREAMS) Argh! (SCREAMS) READS: Lo, on Mt Zion stood the Lamb, and with him, 144,000. SHEEP SNARLS SHEEP SNARLS (SCREAMS) SHEEP SNARLS (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (GASPS) (SCREAMS JAPANESE) (GASPS) SHEEP BLEATS (SCREAMS) (GIBBERS) (GIBBERS) (GIBBERS) But I'm a vegetarian! > Buzz! Buzz! Buzz? Buzz? SHEEP SNARLS READS: It is these who follow the Lamb wherever He goes, for they are spotless. SHEEP ROARS Help me! Help me! Get off! Help me! Get off! Help me! Help me! BOTH SPEAK GERMAN SCREAMING Take me up, O Lord. Take me up, O Lord. SHEEP SNARLS CAR HORN HONKS Henry! Just in time for dinner! Oh my Lord! Oh my Lord! (SCREAMS) Oh my Lord! Oh! (PANTS) < WHISPERING It's OK. It's OK. It's OK. It's OK. (SIGHS) That's all right. It's OK. Let's make that phone call. Let's make that phone call. I think MAF then WECA. Or WECA then MAF. Or WECA then MAF. Someone must have one of the other phones off the hook. Or WECA then MAF. Who else is in the`? SHEEP GROWLS Your boyfriend's back. Your boyfriend's back. Jesus, Grant. Your boyfriend's back. SHEEP ROARS, GLASS SHATTERS Henry! Henry! My shotgun's in the pantry. SHEEP GROWLS > Many's the meal I've made of withers like you. You don't scare me. Many's the meal I've made of withers like you. You don't scare me. SHEEP BLEATS (GRUNTS) SHEEP GROWLS What is that? What is that? (GRUNTS) What is that? (GRUNTS) My haggis! Shells! Shells! SHEEP GROWLS GLASS SHATTERS GLASS SHATTERS (GRUNTS) GLASS SHATTERS (GRUNTS) SHEEP SCREAMS Shells! SHEEP ROARS (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) CRASH! (PANTS) (GROANS) (GASPS) (GROANS) (GROANS) No! (GROANS) No! (GROANS) > (GROANS) What did you do? What did you do? Ling gui ba fa. Huh? Huh? Acupuncture point. Causes temporary paralysis. Huh? Did you? Did you? He fell down, didn't he? SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT (PANTS) SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT We're safe. We're trapped. Let's make that call. Where's the other phone? Let's make that call. Where's the other phone? Uh, Angus' study. Locked. Locked. Here we are. You're alive. < I pulled it from the wall. What? I want to keep a lid on things. The business community don't receive this kind of thing well. They probably won't receive being eaten very well ei... What are you doing in here? You wouldn't understand. I understand you've got a pretty fucked up idea of animal husbandry. I'm taking back the farm. I'm taking back the farm. Oh. Golden boy thinks he can do better, does he? You wouldn't know where to start. You wouldn't know where to start. Jeez, Angus, I couldn't do any worse than you. No. Wait. < It's one of us. It's family. What? What? Well, that's how we've made the advances ` human DNA. Ours. Ours. You fucker. Well, it's more of a sperm sample, really. Well, it's more of a sperm sample, really. You wanker. Necessity's the mother of invention. Necessity's the mother of invention. You've been bitten. It's nothing. Just some hippy. You'll become one of them. A hippy? A hippy? No, Angus ` one of them, only worse. What are you gonna do, Henry? Kill me? < I'm your brother. They're almost in! > Upstairs, children! > What? The sheep are breaking in. They'll tear you to pieces. The sheep are breaking in. They'll tear you to pieces. Oh, I don't think so. Henry, hurry! > SHEEP BLEAT > Goodbye, Angus. SHEEP BLEAT, GLASS SHATTERS SHEEP SNARL, GLASS SHATTERS (GASPS) GLASS SHATTERS, SHEEP BLEAT < Henry, come on. Now! SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP GROWLS SHEEP HOWLS (PANTS) SHEEP GURGLES There's another fire escape around the back. We can take Mrs Mac's car to town. Look. Now where does he think he's going? Now where does he think he's going? The barn. His plane. He can't leave if he's contaminated. It could effect the whole country. He can't leave if he's contaminated. It could effect the whole country. (SIGHS) He can't leave if he's contaminated. It could effect the whole country. < You're hurt, dear. He can't leave if he's contaminated. It could effect the whole country. Grant. Grant. (GASPS) We don't know what will happen. Grant. We don't know what will happen. We don't know what will happen. We've seen what happens. We don't know what will happen. We've seen what happens. Stay calm. I'm not a tree. I'm a fucking sheep. I'm not a tree. I'm a fucking sheep. No. You're a man. < And your father would be proud of you. < And your father would be proud of you. (SIGHS) (SIGHS) Come on. SHEEP BLEAT You two go. I'm staying here. You two go. I'm staying here. Well, what are you gonna do? If you see me again, you might have to... If you see me again, you might have to... No. I still smell, right? I still smell, right? No, that's just your aura. Well, how will you get across the lawn? You don't have a hoof like Angus ` they'll tear you to bits. I'll blend in. GUTS SQUELCH, SHEEP CRUNCH SHEEP BLEAT I am a sheep. I am a sheep. (GASP) SHEEP GRUNTS SHEEP SCREAMS SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP GROWLS SHEEP BLEAT > I am a sheep. SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP COUGHS Wait. You go to town. Show me how to use this, and I'll stay here. (SIGHS) Have you ever fired a gun before, dear? (SIGHS) Have you ever fired a gun before, dear? Well,... (SIGHS) Have you ever fired a gun before, dear? not as such. Aim and squeeze, dearie, that's all there is to it. Besides,... I'll talk you through it. Whoo! (LAUGHS) You know, this hurts me more than it hurts you. You know, this hurts me more than it hurts you. GUNSHOT You know, this hurts me more than it hurts you. (LAUGHS) We'll make a farm girl out of you yet. We'll make a farm girl out of you yet. GUNSHOT Want a hand with healthy? Open up some Sealord tuna. Ready to eat, our delicious tuna is perfect for busy lives, packed with protein and full of flavour. * GUNSHOT > PROPELLER WHIRRS Come on. Come on, darling. (GROANS) (RETCHES) (GROANS) (PANTS) (CHUCKLES (GROANS) (GASPS) (SIGHS) FAINT GROANING IN DISTANCE > (GROANS) Argh! (GROANS) (BLEATS) (GASPS) (GASPS) (BLEATS ANGRILY) (GASPS) (BLEATS ANGRILY) Angus? (BLEATS) (GASPS) (GASPS) (ROARS) (ROARS) (ROARS) (SCREAMS) Stop! Angus! We could have run the farm together if you hadn't ruined everything and tried to kill me! (SCREAMS) And now it has to end. (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (SCREAMS) (PANTS) (PANTS) (SCREAMS) (BLEATS) (PANTS) (BLEATS) FABRIC RIPS (GROANS) (GROANS) (BLEATS) (GROWLS) (GROWLS) (GRUNTS) (ROARS) (ROARS) (GRUNTS) (BLEATS) (BLEATS) (GASPS) (BLEATS) PROPELLERS WHIRR (PANTS) OMINOUS MUSIC (GROWLS) DOG BARKS < DOG BARKS Come in. (GROWLS) (GROWLS) < Speak up. Hold him, boy. DOG BARKS Hold him. Hold him. < DOG BARKS Hold him. < DOG BARKS Hold him, boy! DOG BARKS Get down. Get down. DOG BARKS Get down. DOG BARKS Get down! DOG BARKS DOG BARKS Hold him. DOG BARKS Hold him. DOG BARKS DOG BARKS Hold him, boy. Hold him, boy. DOG BARKS DOG BARKS (GASPS) (GASPS) (PANTS) (GASPS) (GROWLS) (GROWLS) CAR HORN BEEPS TYRES SCREECH TYRES SCREECH (GASPS) TYRES SCREECH (GASPS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) (GRUNTS) THUD! > Tucker, you're OK. (GROANS) (RETCHES) (SHOUTS) (RETCHES) (PANTS) What is that? Just a little something I picked up in the lab. Should clear up your worms, fix your fly strike too. Anyway, pull your finger out. We've got work to do. WHISTLING, DOG BARKS WHISTLING, DOG BARKS Hold him, Dice. Hold him. Good dog. WHISTLING, DOG BARKS DOG BARKS > < DOG BARKS DOG BARKS SHEEP BLEAT How much of that stuff is there? How much of that stuff is there? Not enough for all of them. Strewth! (COUGHS) Angus, it's over. Angus, it's over. No. This is just the beginning. Come back! Come back! SHEEP BLEAT My babies. Have me again. SHEEP GROWLS SHEEP GROWLS (SCREAMS) < (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) SHEEP FART SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP BLEAT Methane. SHEEP BLEAT SHEEP FART SHEEP BLEAT Get in behind! SHEEP FART BOOM! (PANTS) Last one. Nice bit of wool on that, actually. Nice bit of wool on that, actually. Reckon we should hang on to him? Nice bit of wool on that, actually. Reckon we should hang on to him? He's a bit toey, but. Nice bit of wool on that, actually. Reckon we should hang on to him? Could make good eating. This is for you. What do you reckon, boss? Organic farming? Nothing but trouble, this modern stuff. Better just to stick with the way we've always done things, eh? Better just to stick with the way we've always done things, eh? (SCREAMS) (WHIMPERS) (GIBBERS) (GIBBERS) Blanket, dear? > Let's see how we go, eh? (GIBBERS) (SOBS) Snack? Snack? What are they? Snack? What are they? Mountain oysters. Snack? What are they? Well, I do eat a bit of seafood. No. Mmm. It's good. Mmm. It's good. Of course it is, dear. You know you're eating sheep's balls, don't you? Don't waste it. (GIGGLES) (CHUCKLES) They'll grow on you. They'll grow on you. ALL LAUGH No, seriously ` you could have an organic compost heap. Or a worm farm. DOG BLEATS Captions by Faith Hamblyn. Edited by June Yeow. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2020