www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Access Services 2013 'In the land of Sparta, when babies were born, the elders would inspect them for defects.' Ah. Are you my momma, cos I'm ready to suckle the teat. (LAUGHS) 'If any imperfections were found, the baby was rejected.' (SCREAMS) 'And if the baby was Vietnamese,... Brangelina had first dibs.' Cute, huh? 'Behold, Leonidas.' (GRUNTS) 'The perfect Spartan. 'From an early age, Leonidas was taught to fight.' Come on, you little shit. Can't beat me. You're never gonna be a Spartan, never. Take this, Granny. 'He was tortured, taught to show no pain.' Tell me, Mr Bond, what is the account number? Who the hell is Mr Bond? I'm Leonidas! You're testing my patience, double-oh. But I am not double` Argh! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY) Oh! Little Miss Sunshine! Here's a nice one. It's not going in your mouth, this one. Right there. Mr Bond, I'd like you to meet Captain Adorable. Good boy. Who's a good boy? (SCREAMS) 'Leonidas was sent into the wild 'to learn how to survive. 'He braved the elements,... 'endured starvation.' No mayo? This is bullshit. 'The beast stalks Leonidas.' 'Red eyes glowing like the fires of hell.' (CHITTERS) (FUNKY MUSIC) Man, you've got happy feet. (MUSIC STOPS) I'm about to shove my happy foot up your ass, cracker! Nice penguin. Where you going, pussy? (SCREAMS) I'm about to make you my bitch, Leonidas. (FARTING) That Taco Bell ain't sitting right. Caught you with your mouth open. DRAMATIC MUSIC You dead, Leonidas. Say, 'What's up?' to Anna Nicole for me. Shit. I'm stuck! Got a penguin pinned down. Help! Help! Oh man! My ass hurts! Why you wanna do me like that? Come on, man. I'll hook you up. We can work it out! I was just joke... 'And the boy that was cast into the wild 'returned a king!' DRAMATIC MUSIC (SHRIEKS) # Yeah, yeah. Sizzle. # Get down, baby, down. # I know you love the sound when we do what we do. We get you in the groove. # Get up, pick it up. I know you love the feel. # Let's keep it on the real... Whoa. Boobs. # So cool. So fresh. # So dope. # Sign my rack? And they're real too. Yes! Marry me? What's that? The combination to my chastity belt. (MOANS) (ALL CHEER) 'Leonidas was stoked. 'He wed Margo, and she bore him a fine son. 'And life in the land of Sparta was good.' Yes. Yes! Good. Thanks, Dad. Give me your hand. Remember, son, a warrior... must learn to take a hit. Fight with your head, think with your heart. Huh? Give him the pile driver, honey. Pile driver? (SCREAMS) (CRUNCHING) That's my boy. My Queen. No! Captain. I see Leonidas is moulding our future king of Sparta to be a man. I remember when my father used to beat me. Traditional rites of passage. No, my father was an alcoholic. Xerxes' messenger awaits, my King. (SIGHS) Greetings, Leonidas. Greetings, messenger. What the hell was that? What? You just kissed me! That is how men of Sparta greet one another. High fives for the women, and open-mouth tongue kisses for the men. Oh. I get it. Get what? Uh, you have a... 'free society'. Yes! The freest. Not that there's anything wrong with that. (I dig big black dudes.) (Yeah.) Come, messenger, let us walk. The great Xerxes has taken over the world with his vast Persian army and set his sights on his final conquest,... Sparta. Let us talk by the Giant Pit of Death. OK. Xerxes is a kind God King and offers these peaceful alternatives to war. No blood will be shed, as long as you Spartan men build his pyramids, your women... become his sex slaves and your children... work in sweatshops making Nikes. That sounds reasonable. I'm sure you would think so, Councilman Traitoro. (HAUNTING SINGING) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Tell Xerxes... to take his proposal... and shove it! What the hell?! What? He came on to me. I did not. Dog, your wife's a ho. This means war! Hey, hey, hey. It's cool, it's cool. We got San Francisco and west Hollywood. We don't need Sparta. I'll just tell Xerxes it's a no go. Kick his ass in. This is madness! Madness? This is Sparta! Why did you do that? He was backing down. Why did you do that? He was backing down. No! My Lord, he will tell Xerxes that Sparta is not for them, so whatever you do, don't kick him into the Pit of Death. Stop kicking people into the Pit of Death, really. # Oh, now. Oh, yeah. # Uh-huh, yeah. # I don't know why y'all have to get on my back for everything. I'm a responsible adult. Look at me, I'm booby-feeding my baby! Sometimes I like to give him fried milk. I call them milk poppers cos it's like breast milk but fried and you pop them in your mouth. He loves them, don't you, baby? # Goo-goo, gaga, ga-ga-ga. # (PANTS) I'm a smart shopper. I got this entire outfit in an alleyway from a Mexican woman. # Bargain shopping, yeah. # Why y'all think I messed up? Shit, do I look crazy to you? (SCREAMS) Ah, damn, cuz, there cos my palimony! K-Fed ain't having it. (SCREAMS) # Oh, yeah. Ah, yeah # Oh. (SCREAMS) # I'm not gay. # Leonidas. Ryan Seacrest? Let's see what the judges have to say. Randy? Yo, Leo, dog, man. I wasn't really feeling you on that kick, dog. Just all right, dog. Paula. You... moved me. Simon? I thought the kick... was... utterly... dreadful. Oh, Simon. In fact, I've seen better kicks from a geriatric donkey. And I'm not talking about you, Paula. Oh, go... <BLEEP> yourselves! (ALL SCREAM) Seacrest down! Excellent work, my King. It's time to consult with the prophets. (SCREAMING) * 'The ancient prophets were advisors to the king. Grotesque swine, 'their consult came with a bribe.' (ALL GASP) Oxy-10. Neutrogena. This has an SPF, this is all-day protection. Look at this. It's got alpha hydroxy, this is good for you. Rub it all over your disgusting face. What need you, King Leonidas? Ancient prophets, I need your guidance. I'm assembling an army of 300 to go to war with Persia. I'm going to take them in the rear. (SNIGGERS) And then I'm gonna reach around,... and I'm gonna take them again from the front! (ALL SNIGGER) What?! Why are you sniggering? What?! Why are you sniggering? Nothing. It's... Nothing. Nothing. What's so damn funny?! Look, it's all there for you to see. It's a battle formation. Battle... It looks like backstage at an Elton John concert. (ALL LAUGH) Cut it out! This isn't funny, this is serious business! Cut it out! This isn't funny, this is serious business! No Spartan goes to war... Cut it out! This isn't funny, without first consulting... the Oracle. DRAMATIC MUSIC 'The prophets chose only the most beautiful of Spartan girls to be their Oracle.' Oh. Ugly Betty? She has a great personality. Ew. I look like Jabba the Hut; that is hot to me. Ah-choo! (RASPING) Oh! (WHISPERS) Fo' shizzle, my nizzle. Save the cheerleader,... save the world. Actually, I... I'm not into Heroes. Actually, I... I'm not into Heroes. Douche bag says what? What? (ALL SNIGGER) Chest waxer says what? What? (INAUDIBLE) What are you saying to me, I don't understand. Go to war with Persia, and you will surely die. You're screwed, dude. MIDDLE-EASTERN MUSIC (LAUGHTER) What?! He looks like a Ken doll! (ALL LAUGH) It's cold! MAJESTIC MUSIC Tommy Lee? Shaq? Borat? Why is my King so restless? Can't sleep. It's this whole 'battle of Thermopylae' thing. Are you still thinking about what that young Oracle said? There's only one woman whose words you should listen to. There's only one woman whose words you should listen to. Oprah. Your wife. Right. Right. How will I be tried in the court of public opinion? Well, Harry Knowles says this movie is just a cheap rip-off of 300. (GIGGLING) Even if the Oracle doesn't support you, I do, and Sparta does. This could be our last night together. You wanna do it? Like we've never done it before. DRAMATIC MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES 97, 98, 99, 100! Beat my record. (SCREAMS) Captain. My king. Have you assembled my army, who are ready to fight to the death for the freedom of Sparta? Yes, King. I wanted 300. This seems like... less. These were the only men who met with your stringent specifications. 'Hunky, with deep Mediterranean tans, hot bods.' And, uh,... Yes? 'Well endowed.' (ALL SHOUT) Ready to fight for you, my King! Never give up, never surrender, to infinity and beyond! He has a lot of heart, my King, and nice man boobs. Indeed. These men will do. You are a fine captain, Captain. But a better friend, there is none. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Damn! He's got a huge package. Goodbye, Father. Farewell, my son. (COUGHS) Introductions. King Leonidas, this is my son, Sonio. My King. Why is he not fighting? He's not a warrior. He is my only son, destined to carry on my name. What do you think? Yummy. Work it, sister. I think he's fierce. And if you don't like it, you can kiss my fat ass! (GASPS) Congratulations, Sonio, you're now on your way to becoming Sparta's next top warrior. Spartan. My child,... I shall never forget you. You are so small now, but one day you will grow to be big and strong, like your father. That's not your son. You asshole. Take care of your mother. Stay tough, son. Come back with your shield. Or on it. And if I come back on it, I want you to move on. I would never. If you died, I'd play the field. To be honest, I've always wanted to do a fat chick. The men are ready, my King. Good. We'll head south, to the Hot Gates, where we'll intercept the Persian army. Where are you going? The Oracle said if we went to war, we'd be screwed. The Oracle also said that our painted-on abs look fake. But I beg to differ. (LAUGHS) Give the order, Captain. Spartans, in formation! (ALL SHOUT) Move out! # 'I Will Survive' # ALL: # Oh, no, not I. I will survive. # Oh, as long as I know how to love, # I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live. I've got all my love to give. And I'll survive. # I will survive. Hey, hey! # Whoo! # I'll survive, I will survive. # I will survive. # 'The fearless Spartans reached the Hot Gates, where danger lurked around every corner.' Halt skipping! 'Exhausted from the journey, 'the Spartans replenished their electrolytes. 'Gatorade, is it in you?' What do you think, my King? We'll use the narrow passages of the Hot Gates to funnel the Persians in, where their vast numbers won't count for shit. Captain, have the men found any other trails that the Persians could use to attack us? None, sir. I know such a road, my King. Back off, hideous creature! There's a secret goat path, just above the Hot Gates. If the Persians found it, they could outflank you. Captain. Reveal yourself, creature. Paris Hilton? Hey, fellas. What happened to you? Oh, you mean the hump? Yeah, the hump. It was all that, 'You're going to jail. Now you can get out of jail. 'Now you're going back to jail.' On and on and on and on. Eurgh. It's just been really confusing. I mean, even Tinkerbell's affected by it. She hasn't moved since Saturday, but she still poops, which is weird. And me,... they've turned me into this, like, totally grotesque monster. And I don't even know` (PHONE RINGS) Hang on a minute. Hello? Oh, hey, Nicole. Nothing, just some guys with swords. No, I'm talking about their actual swords, Nicole. You're gross. I'm hungry, did you eat? You ate an almond? Oh, yeah, you're done eating for the day. Bye, sexy. Look, it's my dream to be a Spartan. What can you do? Have you seen my video? (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah. It's pretty good. I'm sorry, but we cannot use you. (SOBS) No! It's not fair! Mom! (SHOUTS) I'm not as stupid as I look. Help. * Look, Persians! OMINOUS MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES I am the emissary to the great God King Xerxes, come to accept your surrender. Oh, we're not here to surrender. (ALL SHOUT) (CHUCKLES) Xerxes will enjoy making you his slaves. (YELLS) (GROANS) Ow. Spartans! (ALL SHOUT) Let's battle! Oh, we about to stomp the yard. ALL CHANT: We are the Spartans! We stomp the yard! Check out our buns! They are rock hard! Ooh-ooh! Spartans! Yeah! (ALL SHOUT) Persians! Let's show 'em why we're national champs three years running. You dig? ALL: Oh, come on! ALL CHANT: We like wearing turbans and eating baklava! We like chicks with burkas that cover their ta-tas! Oh! Ah! Oh! Ah! Persians! ALL: What? You're joking, right? (ALL GROAN) (HIP HOP MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (GRUNTING) (CHEERING) (BOOING) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (GROANS) Don't come up in my kitchen with that weak-arse shit. (MUSIC CONTINUES) (ALL GROAN) You got served. (ALL CHEER) (WHISTLING) You telling me we lost? Dance them to the cliffs. Come on, man, can we talk about this? I just met these dudes right here, I don't even know them. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) Last one in's a rotten egg! (ALL SHOUT) We may have won the battle, but they will win the war. We may have won the battle, but they will win the war. ALL: Ha! What? (GUITAR MUSIC) Buttmeister presents real men of genius. # Real men of genius. Today, we salute you, Mr war-mongering latent homosexual. # Mr War-mongering Latent Homosexual. Wearing nothing but leather underwear and a cape, you charge your enemy like an oiled-up hairless wonder. you charge your enemy like an oiled-up hairless wonder. # Spray-on tan. Sure, there's danger, charging rhinos, stampeding elephants and that cute toga-wearing guy named Chad. # Ooh. You only went out on one date, but you'll remember it forever. Forever. Your keen instincts tell you to cut, slice and chop every man you see. But enough about your career as a hair stylist, let's talk war. But enough about your career as a hair stylist, let's talk war. # Ow, the curling iron is hot! This Butt's for you, King Leonidas, because when the going gets tough, the tough go antiquing. # Mr War-mongering Latent Homosexual. # Queen Margo, we must speak. (SIGHS) Loyalist, what do you want? Nice tomatoes. Your husband needs you. (SIGHS) You must convince the Council to send more troops to support your husband. My husband is dead, he told me to move on. Besides, I'm already registered on J-Date. Little to the right. That's it. If Leonidas fails, Xerxes will take over, and you will be stripped of your crown. I won't be queen? Ow, too hard! You will lose everything. The palace,... Ow. ...your Nintendo Wii,... No, no, no, no. Ow! ...20-inch rims on your Escalade, your gardener. (GASPS) Antonio? (LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS) (DANCE MUSIC) My husband needs me, I'll do whatever it takes. I will set the meeting with the Council, but in order to win their vote, we will need to get Traitoro's support. He holds great influence... with the Council. Argh! King Leonidas! Xerxes approaches. 'Xerxes, he looked a lot like that fat guy from Borat.' I am the great God King Xerxes. ALL: Ooh! Ow, ow, ow! Not again, they do this every... ALL: Ow! (CRACKING) ALL: Damn! I'm sorry, Xerxes. It's cool, it's cool, cool. I'm fine. I meant to do that. ALL: Oh, shit! I tell you, kids, you got balls. I come over with a big army, we're going to shish kebab your ass. I come over with a big army, we're going to shish kebab your ass. Before this battle is over, people will know that even a God King can fall. Listen, Leo, I came here to talk, just listen to my deal. Ladies! ALL: Hi, Xerxes! (PHONE RINGS) That's probably for me. Hello? Really? OK. That was the banker. He's offering to buy back your briefcase for a weekend getaway for two in Las Vegas, Nevada, at the Palms Hotel and Casino! ALL: Ooh! I've always wanted to go there. All you have to do is bow down to me... and surrender Sparta. Deal or no deal? ALL TALK AT ONCE: Take the deal. Deal. You think I should? No. Take the deal! Take the deal. What about Sparta? Hit the button. ALL: Take the deal, take the deal. ALL: Take the deal! Hit the button! Take it. No deal! ALL: Oh! Oh, great (!) By the time I'm finished with you, Sparta will be annihilated. It will be as though you never existed. I will see to it that you're written out of the history books. I will see to it that you're written out of the history books. Well, that's fine by me, Xerxes. Because I can't read. 'Xerxes didn't take rejection well. 'From every corner of his empire, 'he sent his most vicious warriors to fight.' Yo' momma's so ghetto, when she breastfeeds, Kool-Aid comes out! Yo' momma's so ghetto, when she breastfeeds, Kool-Aid comes out! (ALL LAUGH) Yo' momma's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday! Yo' momma's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday! (ALL LAUGH) Get her, Dilio. Yo' momma's so fat, her pant size is, um, um, um, bitch, lose some weight! (ALL LAUGH) Your momma's so butch, Rosie O'Donnell wouldn't even date her. No, you didn't! No, you didn't! Well, yo' momma's titties is smaller than yours. Well, yo' momma's titties is smaller than yours. (ALL LAUGH) Bitch. Your momma's so fat, Sir Mix-A-Lot decided he doesn't like big butts, and he ain't lying! (SCREAMS) My eyes! How you like that! Huh? Yo, your momma's so fat, that when she farts, Al Gore accuses her of global warming. (ALL LAUGH) Yes, well, that may be the case, but your momma's so hairy, the only language she speaks is Wookiee! (ALL LAUGH) Well... (GROWLS) Your momma... (GROWLS) 'Xerxes watched as his warriors were defeated. It sent an all-too-human chill up his spine.' 'Or perhaps that was the Dentyne Ice with cool mint crystals.' * Loyalist said you wanted to see me. That's my urine sample. Tastes like asparagus. Leonidas needs more troops. Without reinforcements, Sparta will fall and... wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah wah, wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. I'll do anything that you ask me. Anything? Awesome. I'm so getting laid. Goodbye, virginity. I promise you, you're not going to enjoy this, but I have ED so it won't last very long. That's OK, I have crabs. Betray your beloved Spartans, and I will give you anything you desire. That's hot. Bow down to me. Bow down to the great God King, Xerxes. I'm a Hilton, I don't bow. (GROANS) But I do bend over. Ah. Good. There's a secret goat path into the Hot Gates. You could totally use it to defeat Leonidas. You could totally use it to defeat Leonidas. (LAUGHS) And what do you desire? I want my record expunged. Oh, and I want that new Chanel purse. Thank you. I want throwing up to be fun. You got something to say, say it. I got things to do. You got something to say, say it. I got things to do. What was it? Oh God, jeez, yeah. I wanna get this hump removed. Oh God, jeez, yeah. I wanna get this hump removed. (LAUGHS) Hm. (SCREAMS) As long as Xerxes doesn't find the secret path to the Hot Gates,... their vast numbers won't count for shit. My king! Catch your breath, vanilla blended. What is it, boy? Xerxes has found the secret goat path to the Hot Gates. Ah, shit! Damn that Paris Hilton. I hate her. He's deployed thousands of Persian soldiers that'll be here any minute. Dilio. How bad are your injuries? Oh, uh, it's just a scratch, my king. You've got no eyes. The Gods blessed me with a spare. No, they haven't, you just have the two. Jeremy has the spare. I can still fight. Oh! Dilio! Dilio! (SHOUTS) Dilio! Dilio! Dilio! Dilio. Walk with me. No, no. Your fate... is the most important. You must... go back to Sparta and tell of our tale. You must... go back to Sparta and tell of our tale. Yes, my king. You must... go back to Sparta and tell of our tale. Any message for the Queen? POIGNANT MUSIC None that need be said. Now, go, Dilio. Tell how 13 Spartans fought for honour, for glory, for freedom! Good luck, Dilio! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Spartans! This is your final chance. Bow down to me or you will die. I bow for no man! Take the lead. No! Curtsey? Enough! Well, your sandal is untied. Oh. Thanks very much. See, was that that difficult? No, wait! No! (BOTH SHOUT) I wasn't bowing! No. I was just doing my shoe! No, you acknowledge me as your God King. High five. No, you acknowledge me as your God King. High five. (ALL LAUGH) What? What's so funny? You! Me? You greet like women. You idiots are wearing banana hammocks and you're laughing at me?! Now you pissing me off. I'm getting everybody. Hello, where are you at? I know what I meant. Bring in my best army. You dirty punks are no match for my massive Persian army. They number in the millions. That's just a blue screen. Stupid. It's a visual effect, it's going to be digitally inserted later. And the army is quite impressive, as you can imagine. And the army is quite impressive, as you can imagine. (ALL SHOUT, ALL GASP) Gentlemen, may I present Queen Margo. Gentlemen, may I present Queen Margo. (FAST DRUM BEAT) (WHISTLING) (MUSIC CONTINUES) Shake it, baby. OK, boys, make it rain! (MUSIC CONTINUES) Good Councilmen, I implore you, your king, my dear husband, needs your help. Sparta will fall if you don't agree to send the rest of our army. Sparta will fall if you don't agree to send the rest of our army. (CLAPPING) Gentlemen, our only hope for survival is to surrender to Xerxes and beg for his forgiveness. Do not be swayed by the words of this... common slut. No, you didn't. Yes, yes, I did. (ROARS) 'Queen Margo unleashed a venomous rage. 'Much like Tobey Maguire in Spiderman Three.' (LAUGHS) I'm evil. Made of sand. Oh no. Oh, cute. (FARTS) Gross. (LAUGHS) (ALL LAUGH) What? Oh, oh. Oh! God, oh. God. How you like me now, Sandman? Oh no. Dust-busting bitch, no! (SCREAMS) No! (GROANS) (ALL GASP) (PHONE BEEPS) Well, tickle my nipples with a feather. Xerxes is in Traitoro's top five. Xerxes is in Traitoro's top five. (ALL MUTTER) Xerxes is in Traitoro's top five. Traitoro was a... traitor? Duh! All in favour of sending more troops, say aye. ALL: Aye! Aye! Aye! Want a hand with healthy? Try Sealord Hoki ` straight from the freezer to the oven. Our tasty fillets make a quick, nutritious meal. Our New Zealand hoki is flaky and coated in a crunchy crumb. Hey, man. Oh, hey. Come to check out the car? BOTH: Yeah. - Josh. - Jen. Hi. She's in pretty good nick. Only done 110,000 K's. WOF and rego. You know, full service history. (OMINOUS MUSIC) What is this? This is a one-star safety-rated car. Yeah. Try and get in. (HORN TOOTS) My body's, like, folded in half. I don't understand what's going on. People don't often think about how a car will crash and how it will protect you. That's what a star safety rating tells you. Just can't imagine` If we crashed in a car like this, there's no way we would survive. (OMINOUS MUSIC) * Spartans! We have you surrounded, lay down your weapons. Come and get them! Formation! Um. A Spartan always protects another man's rear. Adjust your sword, boy. It's digging into my back. But I'm not wearing my sword. Carry on then. My son,... ...today, you are truly a Spartan. Thanks, Father. Attack! Ready, Spartans! Remember this day, boys! For today is the day you die! ALL: What? What? I mean they die. Today's the day they die. That's what I meant to say. (ALL ROAR) Oh, what a bunch of dumb shits. God, that smarts. I am gonna go Hercules on your ass! (YELLS) (ENGINE ROARS) Ghost rider. You're going to hell. (LAUGHS) Die! (SCREAMS) Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll! (SHOUTS) No! Yo, Sonio. I'm gonna knock your block off. I'm gonna knock your block off. Oh, shit. Sonio! You'll pay for this, Balboa. Go for it. Adult diapers? Botox... over... dose. Yes! Yeah! (GASPS) Yes! Xerxes! It's... a beautiful death. It's actually not that attractive. (FRENETIC ROCK MUSIC) (MUSICAL HORN) # 'BARBIE GIRL' ` AQUA # # Life in plastic. It's fantastic. # Come on, Barbie, let's go party. # Come on, Barbie, let's go party. # Ah, ah, ah, yeah. Come on, Barbie, let's go party. # # Come on, Barbie, let's go party. Ooh. Shit. Enough of this gratuitous video-game violence! The Transformer cube. (LAUGHS) OK, baby, let's transform. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) I am Xerxestron, equipped with advanced alien technology. (CRIES) Leave Britney alone! He is a God King. Please. (ALL SCREAM) Oh, that's a bitch. (ALL SCREAM) 'Leonidas was true to his word, a God King did fall. 'But, unfortunately, right on them.' POIGNANT MUSIC I... I just... Oh. Ooh. Queen Margo. Yeah. MUSIC CONTINUES 'Leonidas and the Spartans died for honour, 'for glory,... 'they died a beautiful death.' Today, we stand against 30,000 Persians. But we now have 100,000 soldiers! (ALL SHOUT) To victory! Ah! Follow me, boys. 'And thus, Dilio blindly led the Spartans away from the Persians. To Malibu,... 'just as Lindsay Lohan was leaving rehab. Again.' (SCREAMS) * 'As the Spartans kicked major ass, even Leonidas believed victory was theirs.' Victory is ours, boys! (ALL SHOUT) Let's celebrate! For tonight, we dine... at Hooters! (ALL CHEER) Eat from them, everything! And tip them,... nothing! It's Two-for-Tuesday. (ALL CHEER) No! Oh, isn't it sweet? (SCREAMS) That's my boy. Where do you think you're going, you little pussy. No! No! (SCREAMS) That's it! Yay! (SCREAMS) If you can dodge a golf ball, you can dodge a sword. Ha, you missed! Ow! He can outflank us now, my King. Men! We are facing certain death. Curious. But... the joke's on them, because they don't know that dying in battle is the greatest honour for any Spartan! (HALF-HEARTED SHOUT) That was a shitty plan. Look, Leonidas, war is not the answer. Trust me, I know. No, war is the answer. Where am I? Spidey, you're fired. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) Hi, Leonidas. Ellen. Listen, I don't know why you're so upset, you look great. The cape is great, love the... diaper. I wear something very similar with Portia on Friday nights. We get frisky. Hello, Leonidas. (LAUGHS) Wow, is it hot in here? OK, Portia, Portia, women. Women, women, you like women. I can see by your reaction you're not amused. It's the same reaction anyone who went to see Mr Wrong had. Let's play a game, how about Who Sneezed? It's a real easy game. We close our eyes, and someone sneezes, and you guess who. If it was you, you win, cos obviously you know. Chill out, let's just dance, shall we? Oh, boy. OK, there you go, you're getting the hang of it. Back and forth. Oh, I can't do this! (SCREAMS) Yo momma's so ugly, if she was on the Spice Girls, her name would be Dookie Spice. (ALL LAUGH) Leonidas. (LAUGHS) You should try Scientology. I'm gonna set Katie free. BOTH: Yes! I had to buy a million and one glitters, with my own money, and I put them on by hand, Simon, and my reputation is all I have, and for you to sit here telling me that I'm not intellident... that I'm not intelli... Let me start over. Intelligent. I look everywhere. Don't you hate it when you're on a airplane, and the captain's like, 'If you look out the window to your left, 'you'll see another plane.' Am I right? Another plane, right? Don't you hate when you're in the supermarket, in aisle three. They're like, 'Clean up in aisle three.' You're, 'I'm in aisle three.' You all love me, right? Who saw Employee Of The Month? OK, that's cool. Right. What's up, Leonidas. Super fingers to you. OK, that's cool. Right. What's up, Leonidas. Super fingers to you. No. Super fingers to you, Dane Cook. This is a metaphor for my career! You're off my MySpace page. I didn't hear what you said. (LOW MONOTONE) I can't understand you cos you talk like this. Your momma's such an old sloppy drunk, I thought she was David Hasselhoff. (ALL LAUGH) From Knight Rider. Dingleitis. Please, do not start. Dingle dangle, do leg squats and then you will be a star. You will be a star! (WHISPERS) The last episode of Sopranos was most disappointing. I mean, did Tony get whacked or live or what? What happens in Vegas... stays in Vegas. You just... You keep doing the thing you do, cos... the do is the thing you do. # At first, I was afraid. # I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live Without you by my side. # But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong. And I grew strong. BOTH: # And I learned how to get along. # And so you're back from outer space. I just walked in to find you here # with that sad look upon your face. # with that sad look upon your face. # I should have changed my stupid lock. # with that sad look upon your face. # I should have made you leave your key. BOTH: # If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me. BOTH: # If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me. # Go on, now, go. Walk out the door. # Just turn around now. # Cos you're not welcome any more. # Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye? Did you think I'd crumble? # Did you think I'd lay down and die? ALL: # Oh, no, not I. I will survive. # Oh, as long as I know how to love, # I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live. I've got all my love to give. Then I'll survive. # I will survive. # Hey, hey... MUSIC CONTINUES What's up, dog? Yeah! (SINGS) It took all the strength I had not to fall apart, dog. # Kept trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart. # And I spent, oh, so many nights just feeling sorry for myself. # I used to cry. # I used to cry. # But now I hold my head up high. # I used to cry. # But now I hold my head up high. # And you see me, somebody new. # I'm not that chained-up # little person still in love with you... # little person still in love with you... It's Britney, bitch. # And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free. Now I'm saving all my lovin' # For someone who's loving me. Go, come on... (PANTS) Who's in the house? Where my babies at? Like this. ALL: # Go on, now, go. Walk out the door. # Just turn around now. # Cos you're not welcome any more. Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbyes? # Did you think I'd crumble? Did you think I'd lay down and die? Oh, no, not I. I will survive. # Oh, as long as I know how to love, # I know I'll stay alive. I got all my life to live. I got all my love to give. And I'll survive. # I will survive. # Hey, hey! # # 'BOUNCE BACK' ` EARLY EARL # # When I wake up morning, yawning, I put up my hands. # Thank the Lord for what I got and never stop my plans. Giving all for the goals. # Gotta keep it up. Never let my head drop. Make me a home on my own Better make the bed rock. # Place for the dog, a garage, a yard to play around. Kitchen for the missus. # She be fixing them biscuits golden brown. Got me some kids just like a family should. # Made a few changes to how I live, and now it's all good. # You wanna rebound. Show 'em how you bounce back. How you bounce back. Show 'em how you bounce back. # You wanna rebound. Show 'em how you bounce back. How you bounce back. How you bounce back. # You wanna rebound. Show 'em how you bounce back. How you bounce back. How you bounce back. # You wanna rebound. Show 'em how you bounce back. How you bounce back. How you bounce back. # IMS Subtitles www.tvnz.co.nz/access-services Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. TVNZ Access Services 2012