(birds squawking and twittering) (horns honking) (train whistle blowing) (bell jingling) (rapid footsteps) (steady beeping) (horns honking) (alarm buzzing) (grunts) (buzzing stops) (snorts) (imitating Darth Vader's mechanical breathing) Give me your press badge. No way. You're not my dad. Then I shall take it by force. Oh, he's my brother. Then you shouldn't have made out with him. (grunts) (imitating rhythmic drumming) (recording plays of birds chirping) (sipping) (gulls screeching on recording) GULLIVER (voice-over): So your name's Dan? Yeah, Dan... Dan Quint, like on the... on the resume. Dan Quint, born 1990. I didn't think that was possible. Yeah, 1990. People are born every year, so that's... What do you hope to get out of being in the mail room, Dan? I guess I hope to get out of being in the mail room. You got sass. I like it. Guess what? You're hired. I'm Lemuel Gulliver. Welcome to the team. I was hired... (squeaking) ...yesterday by HR. - Doggy wants a bone. - What? Doggy wants a bone. (bell dings) Floor 30. This is the editors' floor. - Oh, yeah. This is the epicentre, my friend. - Okay. - Feel it. Feel it. - Okay. Oh, got a little something for you. Aah! God dang it! - Sorry about that. - Hey! Listen, I will dry-clean that. Sorry about that. My bad. Okay, just wait out here. - What? - One second. (whispering): Here's your mail, sir. Oh, hey. You're Harold Jones, right? - Yeah. - Um, I loved your piece on the failure of the derivative markets. (whistling) HAROLD: Thanks very much. I look forward to seeing you around. - DAN: Um, thank you from the... - (Gulliver panting) from me and all the readers. (grunts, growls) Dan, what are you doing? You can't talk to those guys. - Why not? - Because... Okay, this is your first day. We are the mail room guys. Mail room guys are meant to be seen and not heard. And ideally, not even seen, okay? We're not on their level. We're the little people. No, you know what it is? I think you're just scared to talk to them. I am not. Dude, listen, I am just respectful of their workspace. I talk to these people all the ti... WOMAN: Okay, thanks. I'll let you know as soon as I've made a decision, Nigel. - Okeydoke. Thank you. - Okay. G'day, fellas. - G'day. - G'day, mate. Gulliver, got any mail for me? Yeah. Uh, no. Maybe. Let me check. Hi. I'm Dan from the mail room. Hey. Darcy. And I'll do whatever it takes to not be from the mail room. (laughs) Dan doesn't need to be bothering her right now. She's busy. He isn't bothering me. I love to have a reason to procrastinate. Yeah. Me, too. You're not bugging me. There you go, so... All right, well, I'll see you guys later. - Okay. Good to see you. - Okay. Okay. Oh, boy. Let's go. So, how long have you had this debilitating crush on the, uh, travel editor? Crush? On Darcy? No way, dude. Okay, first of all, you're a terrible liar. Second of all, why don't you just ask her out? Oh, you don't think I could ask her out? No. Dude, I could ask her out whenever, wherever. It's no problem. It would take me five seconds. "Will you go out with me?" "Yes." Done. I am now going out with Darcy Silverman. We are boyfriend and girlfriend. - "You know Gulliver and Darcy?" - "Yeah, they're, like, the cutest couple ever." Okay, so, then do it. (splutters) Next time I see her, I will. - DARCY: Hold on! - GULLIVER: Mmm. Hi again. Oh, hey, Darcy. I just remembered, I get claustrophobic in elevators. (bell dings) How is your day going? - Really good. - Good. Just really, really good. - What are you doing this weekend? - So much stuff. Just going to do, you know, a bunch of stuff. Cool. Yeah, it's cool. (bell dings) Have a good one. You, too. (clears throat) (mouthing) DARCY: Oh, wait. I forgot something. Yeah, me, too. (bell dings) ("Rock and Roll All Nite" by Kiss playing) # You show us everything you've got # # You keep on dancing... # So? - (music stops) - Yeah? Yeah! You chickened out, didn't you? I wasn't... I just... you know, I didn't chicken out. You were being respectful of her workspace. Exactly. Dude, speaking of which, after work, do you want to go for a couple of brews and shoot some poos? Maybe a little man date, huh? I don't think so. Especially 'cause you called it a man date, so... I got you. You want a rain check. You want to wake up all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for the boss. Um... you're not my boss anymore. What are you talking about? I just got promoted. That's impossible. You just got here. Yeah, well, they promoted me, um... to head of the mail room. So I'm your boss now. Look, Gulliver, the reason you didn't ask her out and you never will is the same reason that you're not going to leave the mail room. I mean, you've been here like ten years, man. You know? You... you peaked. I mean, you talk a big game, and that can be fun sometimes. And you're pretty funny around the office, but that's all you are, is just talk. So you might as well face it. You're never really going to get any bigger than this. (sighs) These talks-- this is the worst part about being a boss. Anyway, be in tomorrow at 7:00. Uh, we're going to sort of change things up, and we're going to start with getting rid of Guitar Hero during work hours. MAN: Night, Darcy. See you. (sighs) (typing rapidly) Gulliver? Hi. Hi. Can I help you? Yeah. I, uh... well, I wanted to see if, um... you wanted to... (chuckles) You seem a little nervous. Are you all right? No, I'm fine. I'm just... (clears throat) I got so much going on. I wanted to pick this up, and then I was on my way. You want to apply for a travel writing assignment? Hmm? Yeah. Exactly. I had no idea you wrote or travelled. I do. I travel a lot. I go to New Zealand. Been to Mexico. "Meh-hee-co," they call it in the locals. Africa. The Congo. Which I know is in Africa 'cause I travel and write. So this is kind of like what I want to do. Well, why don't you bring in a writing sample tomorrow morning, and I'll see what I can do. Perfect. (chuckles) Okay. Okay. (clears throat) Hey, Gulliver. Hmm? Nice job putting yourself out there. Yeah. Cool. - Okay, bye-bye. - Bye-bye. (horns honking) (grunts) Should have just manned up and asked her out. Now she's expecting a writing sample? What was I thinking? # I saw some things in different lands # # Uh-huh! # Karate chop... I got to write this thing! No. I got nothing. # # (rapid typing) # # Wow. I am so impressed, Gulliver. I had no idea you were such a good writer. Yeah, well, I kind of keep it secret. I don't like to brag about my more literarian side. These samples are terrific. And you exhibit such variety. I mean, this one about Oaxaca feels really classic, like it came straight out of Frommer's, whereas the description of Barcelona is all sassy. It's like... it's like I'm reading Time Out. (chuckles) Yeah. I think I have the perfect fluff piece to start you off with. There's a guy down in Bermuda who claims he has the secret to the Bermuda Triangle. He's either crazy or he's trying to bilk tourists, but I figure it could be a fun way in to explore Bermuda and the smaller islands around it. You know. - You do have boat experience, don't you? - Mm-hmm. I'm a... I'm a... boat... man. I'm a boatman. Okay, good. 'Cause I have to be honest-- it was hard for me to find someone to do this. You have to be at sea for three weeks, completely off the grid. - That's okay with you, right? - Mm-hmm. Good, because I thought I was going to have to do it, and I get, like, super seasick. Crazy. - Yeah. - So what do you say? It's not a big story, but it's a start. Okay, so the Bermuda Triangle, huh? And everything I need to know is in here? It is. Your contact's been arranged. And there's a boat waiting for you. (sighs) Yeah. WOMAN (over P.A.): Please make your way to the information desk. (cart rattling loudly) GULLIVER: Oh, hey. That's me. - (tires screeching) - GULLIVER: Precious cargo. No, no, no, no! O-o-okay. Whew! That was close. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All you chickens, get out of the road, man! (tires screeching) GULLIVER: I don't know about this, Hank. I mean, are you sure this is safe? All this Bermuda Triangle talk is just to sell T-shirts to tourists. And, you know, it makes for good stories if you want to skeet-skeet with the girls on the mainland. This is your boat. Ah-- "Knotfersail." They really went pun-tastic on that boat. Yeah, the dock master's really into puns, man. He believes it keeps the pirates away. "Ship Happens." Hmm. This is you, and the dot is your destination. You just follow that dot, and you'll find yourself in a triangle. - In the Bermuda Triangle. - Yeah. And then, to come home, you say I turn this knob, and I follow the dot back home? - Yeah. Yes. - Easy. - Easy. Done. All right. - Done. Yeah. I've got it. I am fine. Fine. It's not moving. Okay. Where's the clutch? # Cruisin' in my car one day # # Minding my business, on my way... # GULLIVER: And as you go out to the ocean water towards the Bermuda Triangle, there's, like, reflections everywhere. I should have brought some sunglasses. Uh, I am as hungry as a horse. I could eat 1,000 cheeseburgers. Okay. Quitting time. Hm! # She didn't really mean to hurt me # # She didn't really mean to make me cry... # Yeah. "How to build your own robot"? (laughing): Yeah, that's going to happen. # She didn't really mean to make me cry # # I met this girl in a club one night # # She was riding off like dynamite # # Oh, mama, oh, mama # # After night was closing in... # (electronic trilling) (Gulliver snoring, boat creaking) (moaning): Darcy... Cheeseburger... Darcy... Cheeseburger... (snoring) (grunts, moans) (strained grunting) (wind whistling) (frightened grunt) Aah! (frantic grunting) No! Aah! (grunts) Ow! (grunting) Safety. Okay. - Rubber ducky. - (squeaking) No! Okay. Floaties! Floatie one. Floatie leg. Floatie left. Floatie right. Floatie head. I am safe! There is no... (coughs) (grunts) 911. That's it. What? Oh, no. (screams) Oh! Oh, God, help me! (screaming) (scream echoing) (seagulls screeching, Gulliver coughs) (groaning) (grunts) Ah, I'm paralyzed from the neck down. What's that crawling on me? Not fire ants. Please don't be f-f-fire ants. (coughs) I am General Edward Edwardian, commander of Lilliput. (over bullhorn): All hail Lilliput! CROWD: All hail Lilliput! You are herewith charged with aiding our sworn enemies, the Blefuscians! (crowd grunts) You are my prisoner, and shall be presented to our Royal Highness King Theodore. What say you?! Speak! Help...! (rumbling, crowd clamouring) (yelling) (clamouring) (screaming) (crowd clamouring) You are not real! Where is my-- Where am I?! This must be a dream. I'm gonna close my eyes, and then I'm gonna open them, and I'll be home in bed. Okay! Okay! My spear! Ow! Bring the beast down! All right, boys, release the hookers! Pull! Pull! Hey! Aah! Pull! Yeah, not cool! Hey, what are you-- Hey, hey, that's my pants. That's not funny. Hey, back... (screams) (screaming) Unlucky. (slow-motion scream) (resounding thud) EDWARD: Heave! Heave! MAN: It was awful, horrid, nightmarish! I was trapped in the Valley of Violent Rumbles. I was nauseous. Come on, guys, come on! (excited chattering) - Come on, children. - Look, look! Step up. Look at him! (excited chattering) Lift! Squad, halt! This giant is hereby declared the property of His Majesty, King Theodore! What are you doing? All hail King Theodore! CROWD: All hail King Theodore! I wanted a bracelet, not a great big hairy beast. Oh, dear. Are those restraints really necessary? They are, my innocent naive little bunny tail. To prevent the giant beast from running rampant and killing us all. What is this thing? A Blefuscian spy. I-I'm not a blue fish man. I-I don't even know what that is. Will someone please just tell me where I am? (chuckles) You are in Lilliput. Lillipuh? The grandest and greatest land in all the world. All hail Lilliput! PEOPLE: All hail Lilliput! This is insane. This is insane. Okay, enough. Come out with the funny cameras. (squawking) # # FOREMAN: Meal time, beast! Ah! Hay? I can't eat hay. Eat up! You have a busy day ahead of you, beast! Enough with the beast! I may be a giant, but I have feelings! (man clears throat) Um, I-I think you'll find that the hay is a bit more digestible if mixed with some sewer water. I'm sorry that my countrymen call you a beast. I do not think of you as a beast. As a matter of fact, before you arrived, I was the tallest man in Lilliput. So I know how you feel. Thanks, man. Um, uh... I can't reach you for a handshake. I'm-I'm Gulliver. Horatio. (laughs): Oh, man. You guys are so tiny. Are you the only other prisoner in the whole dungeon? Yes. I have been placed in this prison by the great and glorious General Edward Edwardian for sending a lascivious look to his betrothed. Princess Mary. That's it? He put you in prison for hitting on his lady? Mm-hmm. Dude, that is harsh. No, no, no, you must understand. I am of a lowly station. To legally court a woman of her stature, one must commit a valiant action, and this is virtually impossible as a commoner, so... Come on, don't be so hard on yourself. You seem like a cool guy. You could do something valiant. General Edward has led countless crusades and is known far and wide for his bravery. I'm-I'm no General Edward. Well... (clears throat) no offense, this Edward guy seems like kind of a lame-ass. EDWARD: A lame what? Huh? It is my impression that "lame-ass" is a negative expression from whence you came. If this is the case, you shall be thrown in the stocks. No, no, no, no, no. "Lame-ass" means great... brave, courageous... heart of a lion man. Is this the honourable truth? Yes, this is the honourable truth. EDWARD: Then I am not just a lame-ass. Oh, no. I'm a big lame-ass! The biggest. I, General Edward Edwardian, am the biggest lame-ass in all of the land! Heart of a lion. Hurrah. GULLIVER: So, listen, uh, now that you know we're cool, what do you say you loosen up these shackles a bit? No! - It is time for your life of hard labour to begin. - (sighs) * EDWARD: Left! Right! - Ow! Ow! - Left! - (grunts) Their defence system is operational. We must move in stealthily. Left! (grunting) Did I tell you to stop fanning, peasant?! Sorry. Sorry. They will be too busy with the fire to protect their princess. (large bell ringing in distance) A fire! A fire is two bells, that was three. It's an attack! No, it actually sounded more like two bells and then a pause and then a third bell. So it's an attack and a fire? The Blefuscians! The princess! - To the castle, beast! - (groaning) Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right! Faster, beast! (grunting goofily) Oh, no! The Blefuscians! Do not kidnap me. Please, do not kidnap me. GULLIVER: Why's she just standing there? Of course she's gonna get kidnapped if she's just st... - (groaning) - You speak not of the princess. Down! (grunts) I shall save you, my princess! My princess. Dude, I can help. We do not need your help, beast. You just stay here! Nobody save the princess! He'll never get to her in time. Please, you must save the princess. Yeah, but you heard that angry little dingleberry; he said I shouldn't. I beg of you! It is too late. You are kidnapped. I am kidnapped! Not on my watch. (men gasping) (grunting) (screaming) Hop on, princess. Let's get you out of here. Fear not, my darling, I am here to save you-- Where has she gone? Oh, she has been kidnapped. There you go, princess. Thank you so much. Are you okay? Yes. Thank God. (bell ringing, crowd cheering) The Blefuscians are retreating. We are to have a victory feast! - Hey. - Yay. - Oh, how lovely. - (bell ringing) - The fire has raged out of control. My father is trapped! You guys got to invest in a more efficient warning system. (grunting) Your Highness! (screams) (groaning) Out of the way! I gotta put out a fire! Out of the way! Coming through! Okay. (gasps) The beast! (screaming) Yama-schatzi, that's hot! Princess, no! GULLIVER: Ah, hot-hot-hot! Princess, no, you mustn't! Father! He's burning! You have served me with great honour. We need access to a great deal of water! MARY: Do something! # Oh, Lilliput # (sobbing) # Great kingdom # I do not want to do this. You have a plan?! I have a plan, but you're not gonna like it. (zipper unzips) (crowd groans) Don't look. Seize beast! - It's working! - Huzzah! Yeah, it's working! Out of my way! How dare you evacuate yourself on our great and glorious... (crowd gasping) Oh, no. Oh, no. Sorry about the smell. I've been drinking sewer water. This is grounds for execution! I know; that was pretty gross. Let me pull up my trousers. MARY: Father! Father! (screams) You look glorious. Oh. Thank you, my dear. Our saviour, the beast! CROWD (chanting): Beast! Beast! Beast! Beast! Beast! You guys, it was nothing, really. I saw a fire, I had some water, I released. Flood on aisle two. - (chanting continues) - Does that translate here? Is that, is that a joke here? "Flood on aisle two"? Okay. (laughs) Thanks, you guys. (clears throat) The king requests the honour of your company at a banquet this evening. Do you accept? Uh, yeah. Uh, on one condition: you free my friend Horatio and allow me to bring him as my plus one. He is jailed for unlawful courting. He-He must... That's my condish. One moment, if you will. Why-Why are you doing this for me? 'Cause you're my buddy. I'm not gonna go to this thing without you. I'm not gonna know anybody there; you have to come. - (clears throat) - Shh! Play it cool. (clears throat loudly) The king requests the honour of your and Horatio the Glovier's company at a royal banquet this evening. Do you accept? Yes, indeed. Yes. I can make it. Oh, God! (gasps) Oh, my gosh. I'm forever indebted to you. It's not necessary. Instead, let's just do this. What is that? You pound it. With your fist. Come on, don't leave me hanging. Yeah! Now, let's go # Party, yeah! # (conversation, laughter, classical music playing) GULLIVER: Is anyone gonna...? I'm just gonna go ahead and get this. (slurping loudly) So, since you're not from Blefuscia, where are you from... beast? (Gulliver laughs) Once again, totally cool to be just called Gulliver. Some people believe you've come from the island where we dare not go. (crowd gasps) Is there any truth to this rumour? No. W-Where's the island where we dare not go? (crowd gasps) There, beyond the fog bank. Um, well, I didn't come through a fog bank. I'm from the island of Manhattan. Between the islands of Staten and Long. This island of Manhattan-- what sort of kingdom is it? Well, I'm not from a kingdom, I'm, uh, actually from a democracy. You see, we elect a president every four years. You're so honourable and courageous. Were you the president? Well, of course he was, Mother. Look at him, he's the most powerful gentleman in all the land. I'm so sorry if Mother embarrassed you. Nah, nah, it's a common mistake to not think I was president. Were you a victorious president? Yeah, I was pretty victorious. Noble as well? Yeah, I was, uh, super noble. Uh, I was actually known as President the Awesome. (Edward scoffs) President the Awesome? Pretty unlikely title. When do you return home, noble and awesome Gulliver? Pretty soon, I suppose, yes? I should imagine they are falling apart without you, their greatest hero. Well, without my boat, uh, looks like I'm stuck here. Don't worry, my army will find your boat. In the meantime, I'm sure we could find you suitable accommodations. What, you mean like some hay to sleep on? - Anything. - Anything? We are the finest builders in all the land. We can build you anything. Seriously, we are ridiculously good builders and we are your servants, awesome Gulliver. Well, I don't want to take advantage, but... Well, I don't want to take advantage, but... * (voice-over): It's day seven of my stay here in Lilliput. At first, me and the little guys got off on the wrong foot, but, uh, it turns out they're a pretty solid group of dudes. They're building me a temporary place to live, they threw me an awesome party just for releasing myself, and the king sent out a search party to find my boat. In the meantime... I'm roughing it. Mmm, that is a good cup of joe. Good morning. - Morning, Gulliver. - Morning. -Morning. - Top of the morning to you, fellas. - MEN: Morning! - Morning! (workers talking indistinctly) (sighs) HORATIO: Gulliver! Gulliver... your media room is ready. (screams) Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. He told me enough. He told me you killed him! No, Gulliver, I am your father. - (gasping) - No way. This is an impossibility. Yet somehow it seems completely inevitable. Gulliver, you truly have lived a thousand lives. LILLIPUTIAN GULLIVER: No! King Theodore, it is time to perform our biweekly military exercises. Just one moment. We're watching the stories of Gulliver's life. Sire, we have not missed a military exercise in over 300 years. - Dude! - Get out of the way; we cannot see the screen. EDWARD: Move, move. The Titanic is sinking! But it was meant to be unsinkable. (gasps) I love you, Gulliver. LILLIPUTIAN GULLIVER: No, no, don't do that. You're going to make lots of babies and die in a warm bed in old age. I'm cold. And also... I'm king of the world! MAN: Bravo! Encore! Wait, wait! I'm sorry. You mean to say that you actually died in this shipwreck? - Yeah, I died. - That's what you're telling us-- - that you actually died? - But I was resuscitated. It's, it's preposterous. No, but then I survived. That's-- it's ridiculous. - Well, you have to see the seq... - But you're okay now. It's, it's silly. Just silly, silly stories. (huffs) (scoffs) HORATIO: So let me get this straight. After you were brought back to life as an avatar... - Mm-hmm. - ...that's when you met your princess Darcy Silverman of Manhattan? Yeah, can't wait to get back to her. I noticed you had a little eye contact with the princess. How's it going? Good, yeah. I think if things go well, within two to four years, she may deign to speak to me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold your horses. (panting): Oh, thank God, thank you. Now, you can't woo a lady by hoping she'll deign to speak to you. To land a princess, you got to employ some grade-A court-age. Could you teach me? - Huh? - This... this court-age that you speak. (inhales, then exhales with a squeak) Yeah, I could teach you some of my moves. Yes. Thank you. If you beat me back home. - Okay, I need a head start. - On your mark, get set, go. No, I'm not ready to race you! HORATIO: Princess, oh, Princess. Wherefore art thou, Princess? Hello! Who calls? It is I, Horatio. Why are you so far away? I-I don't want to invoke the ire of thy father, but I must be honest... - GULLIVER: And tell ye... - And tell ye... Tell me what, Horatio? You don't have to be rich to be my girl. Say it. You don't have to be rich to be my girl. You don't have to be cool to rule my world. You don't have to be cool to rule my world. Horatio, these passionate words could get us into trouble. There's no particular sign I'm more compatible with. - # Ain't no particular sign # - There is no particular sign that I'm more compatible with. - # I'm more compatible with # - I just want your extra time and your... (smooching) - ...kiss. - # Kiss # Kiss. What beauty emanates from your lips. # I think I wanna dance... # I think I'd better dance now. Think I'm gonna dance now. - (humming) - # Whoo! # # Gotta, gotta... # Put more mustard on it, baby, yeah. # Act your age, mama... # Feel it. # Maybe we could do the twirl... # (quietly): I don't think it's working. Well, you're not dancing good. Shake it. # To have an attitude... # I have never been wooed with such unique passion. # Just leave it all up to me... # It's working. # My love will be your food... # Did I tell you? # Yeah # - Yes. - # You don't have to be rich... # (gasps) I hear someone coming. - # To be my girl # - Till the morrow. # You don't have to be cool to rule my world... # It worked! I did it! # Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with... # Let's go. - Yes. - # I just want your extra time... # EDWARD: To whom were you speaking, my darling? # And your... kiss. # No one. Um, me. I was, I was, I was speaking to me. Myself. What are you doing in my chambers? I have come to court you, as I always do at this time of day. Or have you already forgotten who is your one true eternal love? No, no, of course, I-I remember. Remember what? Oh, um, that, that you are my one true... BOTH: Eternal love. It's just that I was talking with the giant and lost track of time. I trust not this beast. Seems trustworthy to me. He's very nice. You've done sewing. Sewing, yes. An embroidery. - It's my, it's my grandmother's doily and I'm trying to present... - I captured a hawk today. Did you? He lay in a field. I came behind him and captured him with my bare hand. This is impressive also. Ah! Fun. Fun courtship you and I have. It is over now. Must go. (groans) Those villagers shan't pillage themselves. - (indistinct chatter) - (horse whinnies) We must alert General Edward of this at once. We've found it. (bell ringing) I hear you, ring-a-ling-a-ding-dong. Okay, I'm coming alrea... Oh, hey, how's it going? Hello, beast, I come bearing the most terrific news. Yeah, really? We have discovered your ship-- the Knotfersail. (laughs) Clever name. You did it. You found my boat. I'm actually going home. Hey, you guys can fix this thing, right? - Of course you can-- you're incredibly awesome builders. Yes. (laughs) Ah, Darcy is about to read the best article ever. I'm talking Pulitzer. "Slide to unlock." (Lilliputians gasping) - GULLIVER: What are you guys doing? - (screams) Is that my phone? Man, it takes a licking. - (phone chimes) - No signal, but I got 12 messages. Mr. Popularity. DARCY (on voice mail): Hey, Gulliver, it's me, - it's, it's Darcy. - (Gulliver sighs) You know, I just realized why I felt like your writing came straight out of Frommer's. (firmly): Because it does! - Call me as soon as you get this. - Oh, no. - Sergeant Peacock, what's it doing? - He's checking his voice mail, General Edward. Oh, good. What's voice mail? DARCY: Hey, Lemuel, it's Darcy. I've totally forgiven you. Oh, wait, no, I haven't because now I have to get seasick on a boat to cover your butt! Thanks for this. And if you can't tell, that "thanks" was sarcastic. Darcy again. I can't believe you lied to me. I trusted you. Wherever you're hiding, stay there. I never want to hear from you again. Mr. Beast, I have instructed our builders to work day and night to ensure you are seaworthy by week's end. Isn't that just the most fantastical news you've ever received in your life? GULLIVER: Great. I can't tell you how happy I am... for you. (sighs deeply) MARY: Why do you look so forlorn, noble protector? Me forlorn? No way. You do look quite forlorn. Just for the record, what's "forlorn" mean again? Is it, like, "sad"? Basically. It's just a bit more dramatic-sounding. Yeah, well, in that case, I guess I am a little forlorn. Oh, Gulliver, you miss your princess. Well, the truth is, we're not super close. - Oh, Gulliver. - Yeah. She's kind of mad at me right now. I am forlorn as well. I don't know what to do. (sighs) I think I'm in love with Horatio. But that's great. Don't be forlorn about that. Most people spend their whole lives looking for that and they don't find it. Go for it! Follow your heart. But my heart is promised to General Edward, and I cannot break that vow. He will lose honour and respect, and, and he will die of heartbreak. Okay, look, he's just being melodramatic. - Is he? - Yeah. (chuckles) Gulliver, I will miss you so much. I'm gonna miss you, too. Maybe I should stay. Don't you miss your subjects and, a-and the White House and the Millennium Falcon? Yeah... but Vice President Yoda can run things without me for a while. Do you think the king would mind if I stuck around for a bit? Oh, well, of course not, Gulliver. You've made everyone here so happy. I can't imagine anyone in Lilliput not wanting you to stay as long as possible. EDWARD (voice-over): Noble and valiant King Theodore, I trusteth not this beast Gulliver who livest in our midst-th. He can now leaveth but he chooses to stay, and furthermore I do not believe it who he sayeth he is-eth. I most-eth humbly disagree-eth. And why-eth must we always go on with these "eths"? Because we speak officially-eth? Forget it-- from now on, even when speaking officially, we must get rid of these "eths." - Official speaking is an illustrious Lilliputian tradition! - Whoa! Inside castle voice, please. Forgive me-eth. Uh... Forgive me. You know, I think this job is beginning to stress you out. Maybe a little time off would be the thing. (scoffs) Who else could run your army? THEODORE: Our new General, Gulliver! I won't let you down, King, and I look forward to working with you, Vice General Edward. Hmm. Vice General. Vice. I've never been a Vice of anything. I can't be expected to take orders from that gargantuan fool. I would rather take orders from a woman. You are relieved. Thank you, Vice General Edward. All right, Gulliver, protect against this. They have turned off their defence system. Alert the king and prepare the armada. Alert the king and prepare the armada. * (knees rattling) (whimpering, gasping) (flatly): Oh, no! Our defence system has failed. We shall never reach our ships on time. Careful now, mind yourselves. Oh, what a mess. They are defenseless. Cease fire and ready the troops. Gulliver. - Mm-hmm. - The Blefuscians attack. Are you sure? Yes. Please, we need you. You're our general. (officer shouts marching cadence) THEODORE: Good Lord. It's the entire Blefuscian armada. I know. Finally, our general has arrived. What's going on? I heard the bells. As our mighty general, you must lead the army to save Lilliput and vanquish the entire Blefuscian armada. You want me to vanquish all of 'em? Yes, please, every last one of them. Yeah, fine. Thank you, fair Gulliver. Okay, here we go. Time to vanquish. (Lilliputians gasping) (exclaims) It's cold. (laughs) Whoo! No problem. You're going down. (exhaling) (water splashing) (exhaling short breaths) Why have we stopped? It's him. Hey. Hey, dudes. I'm Gulliver. I come in peace. Listen, they want me to vanquish you guys, but I don't want to vanquish anybody and you don't want to be vanquished. Let's just pretend, okay? I'll go crazy. You act all scared and just follow my lead, all right? Sell it. Okay, here we go. (grunting) Unfurl the sails! Hard to starboard! Battle stations! Prepare positions! Move, move! This truly is a battle for the ages. It truly is. (yelling) Okay, so now I'll just tell 'em you were too swift or whatever and... How come you're all turned around? Fire! (groaning) Oh, no, that looks painful. (distorted groaning) (grunts) Move! I'm invincible. Yes! Go on, Gulliver! (Blefuscians shouting) (screaming) ("Rock and Roll All Nite" by Kiss playing) Well done, sir, well done, excellent! LILLIPUTIANS (chanting): Gulliver! Gulliver! - Well done, you big, fat beast. - Gulliver! Gulliver! - Gulliver! - # You show us # - # Everything you've got... # - Gulliver! Gulliver! Gulliver! Gulliver! - Pound it. - Gulliver! Gulliver! - # You drive us wild # - Respect. - Well done, Gulliver! - # We'll drive you crazy... # - # You say you wanna go for a spin # - (shouting) # The party's just begun, we'll let you in # - # You drive us wild... # - Pass! You can pass! - That's a foul! That's disgraceful! Whoa! (laughs) - # You keep on shoutin'... # - Goal! - Ah... - The beast is victorious. - Goal...! - # I wanna # - # Rock and roll all night # - All right. - Yeah, guys. - # And party every day # - This is what I'm talking about. - # I wanna rock and roll # - # All night # - Look at that, with the billboards and the lights. - # And party every day... # - It's home sweet home. What can I say? Hey, could you guys send over a panzer division to my left shoulder, please? Yeah, north two clicks. (grunts) One click. - Oh, yeah, that's the spot. - # You drive us wild # # We'll drive you crazy... # Okay, just a little off the top. Don't go crazy and don't shave off my sideburns. I need those muttonchops. # And you drive us wild # # We'll drive you crazy # # You keep on shoutin', you keep on shoutin' # # I wanna rock and roll # # All night # # And party every day # # I wanna rock and roll all night # (singing along): # And party every day! # # I wanna # # Rock and roll all night # # And you are my # # Bitch # # And I double- defeated you # # Because I was playing and singing. # You did good, though. Let's try it again from the top. - (song starts over) - HORATIO: Hold-- one s-- one sec, please. Uh, pause game. Pause game. I was just thinking, you're general of Lilliput now. Shouldn't you be training the army? What if, what if Blefuscia should attack again? (chuckling): Come on, man, no one's going to attack. Not while I'm around. I'm a one-man wrecking crew. If you want to worry about something, you should be worrying about how you haven't made a move on the princess yet. You're in danger of falling into Friendship Lagoon. - What? - Yeah, Friendship Lagoon. It blows. You're gonna be like, "Oh, yeah, we're friends, it's great, I'm cool with that," and you won't be cool with that, and it kills you inside. No, no, never. Yeah, man. You got to man up and be direct. Next time you see her, just tell her what's up. "Hey, what's up, sexy? "I hope it's not too forward, "but I find you incredibly sexy. "Never told you before, but I'm really into you. "But I'm also into a lot of things, "so don't get too excited. "Got a lot of things going on. I'd like you to be one of 'em." You see the way I mixed it up? "I want you but not that much." - You try it. - Okay. Should I use the face? Dude, you know, if the face comes to you, but make it natural. - Yeah. - Don't make it a forced face. I just have, you know, one of those faces. It just sort of happens naturally. (laughing): My hands are sweating. Go. Okay. (clears throat) Well, hello, fine maiden with the wide childbearing hips. Yee... yikes. Yeah, you don't want to talk about wide childbearing hips. Just, you know... It's a good instinct. You're getting there, but try it again, but this time more smooth and sexy. No, no big hips? No big hips. I think I got it. Well, hello there, slim. I ought to call you "potamus" because you've got no hip. (laughs) Do we have to be here for this? Take five, save game. Forget about the hips. Here's what you got to do. (groans) What are you doing in my chambers? I have come to court you as I always do at this time of the day. This is not the time of day for courting. You cannot just barge in. I can court you when I wish to court you. I am not in the mood to be courted. I have a headache. It is your womanly duty. Section 4.2 of the official courting doctrine... Edward. I am unsure about things between us. It be not you, it be me, but I am very unsure. That maketh no sense. We are to be married. You are to be my bride. We are not in love. We are not in love. What do you love about me? Name one thing. Inappropriate, Edward. Reach for it. - One second. - Okay, take your time. I find you... ...absolutely... satisfactory. No, Edward, that is not enough to say that someone is average or adequate or moderate. I-I want to be loved for who I am. There's an awful lot going on up here. - Is there? - Now you're being cruel and, frankly, melodramatic and acting like a complete baby. You are acting like a little princess. I am a princess. But maybe you should... act like a princess. Gulliver was so right about you. Why don't we all just listen to the beast? Don't call him that! He's a big ugly beast and you should know better. Get out. You cannot break our engagement! - It is a fate worse than death! - Get out! You will be sorry you ever crossed General Edward. (groans) * (indistinct shouting) VENDOR: Get your Gulliver's T-shirts. Dress like Gulliver. You, sir! Get your Gulliver's T-shirts here. Dress like Gulliver. (overlapping shouts and chatter) Get your Gulliver's T-shirts here. Gulliver's T-shirts. Dress like Gulliver. (shouting, chatter continues) What do you want? This beast has transformed Lilliput into his own sordid and rotten little kingdom, and he will do the same with your land if we do not stop him. To save Lilliput... I must first destroy it. How do you suggest we accomplish such a dangerous task? (soldiers marching) EDWARD: I have got stuff. Look. I'm showing you. GULLIVER (voice-over): All right, welcome to the first ever Lillapalooza. Let's get this party started with a little jam I wrote. ("Sweet Child o' Mine" by Guns n' Roses playing) Right? So what are you up to in the morrow? - In the morrow? - Yes. I am, uh, I'm just hanging. - Oh. - You know, so yeah. Would you care to attend the Ball of the Moonlit Glen with me? - Oh, the ball? - Yeah. - The ball is tomorrow? - Mm-hmm. Right, maybe. GULLIVER: It's a pretty tasty jam. Pretty tasty jam. Why are you acting like this? - Acting like what? - Why are you being so strange? I'm... I'm a gentleman merchant about town and I have got to keep my options open. Do you? That's what I've been told. Well, I'm not an option, I'm a lady. I... I know you are, and I love ladies, believe me-- okay. I'm sorry, I was... (bell ringing) Five bells! Five bells? What does five bells mean? There have never been five bells. Yeah? Well, don't worry about it, because this guy throws down no matter how many bells are a-ringin'. (people screaming) Don't freak, little peeps. This one's on me. What, you got to be kidding me. This is five bells? (spluttering) (chuckles) Ah... It's cute. Edward, you traitor, how dare you forsake your Lilliputian brethren. I only forsooked after I was forsooken. - The forsookingness ends now. - (Lilliputians cheering) I challenge you to a duel! ALL: Ooh... Cool, whatever. So you accept? Oh, yeah, yeah, I accept your duel. Oh, goody. Make a move. (whirring and clanking) Ha-ha. (thunking) Wow! You are hard. Okay, just stretching out the hammies. It's a good thing to do before the duel. (snarls) Gah, yah! Aah! (woman screams, Gulliver groans) - Oh...! - You brought this on yourself, beast. - (jabbering, screaming) - Do you surrender, beast? - Sure, yeah, whatever. - No, no! Say it properly. Say you surrender. Aah... yeah. EDWARD: Say it. Say it, say... I surrender, I-I surrender, I surrender, I surrender! I surrender! You win. It hurts my butt. You cannot surrender! You are our most glorious protector. You're President the Awesome. And you and Captain Sparrow defeated the Joker and Magneto. And you and Jack Bauer had only 24 hours to do it. I didn't do any of that stuff. I'm just a guy from the mail room. But you gave us your word! I'm sorry. I lied. (gasping) I knew it! I hereby banish this beast to the Island Where We Dare Not Go, never to return to Lilliput again. BLEFUSCIAN SENTRY: Take your positions! Please, Gulliver. Hey, is this Island Where We Dare Not Go really as bad as they say? It's delightful. (sighing) Okay. No little people anywhere. That's a good sign. Hello! Is anybody here? No way. (deep roar) (screams) * BLEFUSCIAN SENTRY: Raise the standard! WORKER: Let's lose this rubbish! WORKER 2: Lower away! Can I not walk alone in my own garden? Go away. Princess. I've, I've secured a boat. We can leave tonight. No, Horatio. But Edward is going to force you to marry him. I don't have any choice. Please, please, yes, of course you have a choice. No, you made that choice for me. You don't understand. Look... - Gulliver told me... - Everything Gulliver said was a lie, including you. (Darcy coughing) DARCY: Oh, I'm paralyzed from the neck down. What's that? What's crawling on me? Not fire ants, oh, please don't be fire an... I am General Edward Edwardian, commander of New Blefuscia. All hail New Blefuscia. SOLDIERS: All hail New Blefuscia! I must warn Gulliver. State your name... she-beast. Darcy Silverman. Of Manhattan. (screams) (clocks ticking) (yawns) (grunts) (squeaks) (rumbling, Gulliver grunting) Oh, no, oh, oh, oh, no. Oh, no. (Gulliver screaming) (burps) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...! I'm not doing this. You got me in the diaper and the dress. I'm not doing teatime with you. Go find another doll. (growls angrily) Tea, time for tea. (laughs) (groans) Okay, we're kissing. (chuckles nervously) Gentler. Let's just hold hands or something. (muffled groan) (sighing) (sputters) (sighs) 'Sup? What kind of toy are you? Top Gun G.I. Joe? Cool detail. (yells) (sighs) (grunting) HORATIO: Gulliver... Gulliver. Down here. What are you doing here? Gulliver, you must return to Lilliput with me at once. Forget it, man, it's a no-go. No, no, you don't understand. - Edward, Edward has... - It doesn't matter. I may be 100 feet tall, but I'm not half the size of one of you little guys. Please, you've got to listen to me; this is important. No, this is where I belong, as a giant girl's baby doll. Hey, stop feeling sorry for yourself and listen! Blefuscia has taken over Lilliput and Edward has captured Darcy Silverman of Manhattan. What?! She's... Darcy's here? - Yeah. - Oh, no. She said she was gonna do the assignment herself. She's here because of me. It's, it's all because of you. (sighs) How could you lie to us? I... I was afraid to tell you guys the truth because it was just so great being the big shot for the first time in my life. I didn't want it to end. Snap out of it, man. You think of yourself as this small little thing, but that's not how I see you. Think about what you've done already-- you saved the princess, you single-handedly defeated the entire Blefuscian armada. Didn't you? Come on. I'm your best friend. I wouldn't lie to you. You can do this, so take off that dress and let's get out of here. Am I really your best friend? You're kind of my only friend. Sweet, man. You, too, for me. Let's go save Lilliput. Yeah, let's go do this. Take me with you, yeah? All right, one... one sec. All right, there we go. - Oh. Oopsie-daisy. - I got you. Okay, officer. I'm just going to borrow this parachute if it's okay with you. You don't need it anymore. (grunts) Ew. (Gulliver screaming) HORATIO: This isn't safe! (sighs) Oh, I'll let you... Thanks, Horatio. Good luck. I got this. Darcy. Darce! Gulliver! Hey. - I'm coming over there. - (Darcy screams) - GULLIVER: Hey. Shh. - DARCY: Gulliver. - Gull... - Shh, shh, shh, shh. Are you okay? I can't believe you're here. I mean, of all the places, right? What... uh, what's up? What's up? What's up? Well, what... what isn't up? - Can we talk about the inverted whirlpool? - Crazy. And why is everybody calling me your princess? They... they don't. I think you misheard. THEODORE: I see you have returned for your princess. - (groans) - You know, he did, right there. He... he just called me your princess. That's because everybody is a princess here. I forgot to tell you, it's just sort of a thing. If you wish to speak to your one true love more privately, - (Gulliver groans) - well, we shall cover our ears. One true love? You-You told them I'm your one true love? Is now a good or bad time to tell you about the crush I've had on you for the last five years? Really? Yeah, I totally have a crush on you. Is that why you always bring the mail cart around, but none of the mail is for me? Yeah. (clears throat) Yeah. And I... (sighing) I told everybody that you were my girlfriend. It's really embarrassing. I think it's kind of sweet. Gulliver, we got to focus. We got to focus 'cause we got to book to the boat and we got to get the hell out of here. We're surrounded by little people. Darcy, listen to me. I would love to book with you over to the boat right now, but I can't. These little people have grown very large in my heart. They depended on me, and I let them down. And I have to do this first. (sighs) King, if it's all right with you, I'd like to be your glorious protector again. I don't know. How are we to believe anything you say, Gulliver? Because my word is my bond. This time, for real. I promise. - Gulliver. - Hmm? You work in the mail room. Not today I don't. - Come on, guys, come on! - (excited chattering) - MAN: We're all with you, Gulliver! - (crowd murmurs) Hey, Edward... ...if I win, Lilliput returns to her former glory. And if you lose, this is what happens to Lilliput. (gasps) (grunts) (yelling) (grunts) (grunting) Oh, I've made a slight improvement. (electrical whirring) (electricity crackling) Shocking, isn't it? (grunting) (groaning) Hey, hey, hey! That's not fair. He's cheating. I've got to do something. (groans) EDWARD: Now do what you do best, beast, and run along. No way. Not today. (grunts) I've always liked you, Gulliver. I've always thought we had a real spark. Fear not, Gulliver! I'm on my way! (Gulliver grunting) (groans) (Horatio yells) (Gulliver groaning) (grunting) (screaming) (yells) Gulliver, no! Now stay down this time, beast! (electricity fizzles) (yelling) (grunts) (Horatio screams) (grunts) (panting) (grunts) It is on! (yelling wildly) (grunting) Go, Gulliver! Yes, Gulliver, go! - (yelling) - Yes, go, Gulliver! (grunting) Yes! Go on, Gulliver! You can do it! - Come on, Gulliver! - Get him! (grunting) Ow! Ow! - Helpeth! - (Gulliver grunts) Bouche! Now, that's a wedgie. Yay, Gulliver! - Yes! Well done! - Come on, Gulliver! (both laughing) - You did it! - Did you see that? I wedgied him back to the second grade! (cheering, applause) I'm so, so sorry. I hope that you can forgive me for the way that I behaved. You're not an option... ...you're the most beautiful lady in all the land. Who's also super cool and a stone-cold fox. (laughs) THEODORE: Horatio! Do you realize what you've done? You have committed an act of valiance. I hereby give my permission. (crowd gasps, murmurs happily) Yeah. - (grunts, crowd gasps) - Whoa! Nobody move! Halt! Stop! I have kidnapped the princess. You have been kidnapped. Congratulations. Enough with the kidnappings! (screams) Bouche! - PEOPLE: Bouche! - Yes! Listen, I plagiarized all that stuff, because I thought you'd never want to go out with a dude from the mail room. And I'm sorry; that will never happen again... So, yeah, coffee... THEODORE: I condemn you and all Blefuscians to the gallows. Prepare for war! No. You prepare for war! (sighs): Ah! I got to do one more thing, real quick. GULLIVER: Kings, kings, come on! Guys, what is it with you and the executions and the gallows and the stocks and the-the war? Seriously, war? Why do war? What is it good for? Absolutely naught! # War # # Huh # # Yeah # # What is it good for? # Absolutely naught! # Say it again, y'all # # War, huh # # Good God, y'all # # What is it good for? # I find it good for absolutely nil! # Oh, war, it's an enemy to all mankind # # The point of war blows my mind # # Life is much too short and precious # # To spend fighting wars these days # # War can't give life # # It can only take it away # # Oh, war, huh # # Good God, y'all # # What is it good for? # # For absolutely nothing # # Say it again, y'all # - # War, huh # - # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah # # What is it good for? # # Absolutely nothing # # Listen to me # # Peace, love and understanding # # Tell me, is there no place for them today? # # They say we must fight to keep our freedom # # But Lord knows there's got to be a better way # # Oh, war, huh # # Good God, y'all # # What is it good for? # - # Tell me # - # Nothing # # Say it, say it, say, oh # # War, huh # # Good God, y'all # # What is it good for? # # Absolutely nothing # # Stand up and shout it, huh! # (cheering, applause) - Gulliver! - Gulliver! You gonna miss your big friend? A little. - Yeah? - (voice breaking): A lot. Oh, dear. (chuckles): Oh. ("Rising Up" by Mike Doughty playing) # I'll keep on rising up, well, I'll keep on rising up... # How was Papua, New Guinea? It was hot, sticky and the most mind-boggling place I've ever seen. The most mind-boggling place you've ever seen? Okay, second most mind-boggling place. Oh, sorry. Danny! Got your morning mail, Gulliver. Danke schoen. - Darcy. - Who's your friend? I'm Mark. I'm just the new guy in the mail room. Whoa, "just the mail room"? Mailrooms are where it's at. Right, Dan? Yeah, I don't know why you would say that. That's-- 'Cause that's where all the greats start, you know. Remember, there's no small jobs, just small people. Teeny, tiny, teeny little people. Remember I told you that? - No small jobs, just tiny, tiny, people. Can I take you to lunch? - Of course you can. My fair princess. # I'll keep on rising up, well, I'll keep on rising up # # Every day I'm rising up. # Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2020