- If I told you about a job I heard of in the inside, what would you say? - Ted West, office drone. - It got us through when your mother was sick. - Tell me you don't hate it. - WHISPERS: It's back. - How bad? WHISPERS: I don't think it's going away this time, Ted. - (ROCK MUSIC) (POIGNANT MUSIC) - Jesus Christ, Van, stand still for one bloody second. - I don't wanna go. - Who said you had a choice? We're doing this for Grandma ` that's the bloody end of it. - Will Dad be there? - (SIGHS) I don't know. We don't get the choice, however. Come on ` let's go. - Pink? For a funeral? - She refused to wear anything else. - What are you smiling about? - I just love funerals. - Weirdo. Come on ` let's get this over with. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2020. - Oh! - Oh, Ted, stop bloody flinching. If I touch your knob, it's purely professional. - I don't know why I need a bloody suit ` all her idea. - Well, you may as well look the part down at the office. - A man should have a good suit ` for weddings, funerals. - Spoken like a true gentleman, Phineas. - But just cos you're getting a suit, the gang meeting is still on, right? - Yes, Phineas. - Is this an actual gang meeting? - At the Rusty Nail. I told you. - Yeah, I just thought it was beers and a catch-up. - Yes, that. - And to talk about a job. - And talk about a job that doesn't involve a suit. - Life in the old boy yet. - Something like that. # But here in your satin sheets, I'll be safe and warm, oh, baby... # - It's mine! - You gave it to me! - Only cos you tricked me! - Oi! Quiet, or the bloody toy goes in the bloody bin. Pascalle, go get ready for kindy! - Hate you! - I hate you! - I hate you too! Give it here! - I'm gonna stab you! - Get off! Argh! - Where are you going? - Business. - Drinking with your dipshit mates. - A man's entitled to a little downtime, love. - Ah ha ha! Sucker! - I'm serious, Wolf. I could do with some help. - Sure. When I get back. - Or meet me at the school at 4 o'clock. - Why would I do that? - So I don't have to face that bitch teacher on my own. Miss Cameron, who I told you about. She hates the boys. She's decided they're the scum of the earth and so she treats them like that. - She's prejudiced against them. That's what she is ` prejudiced. - Prejudiced ` right. - The prejudice thing. - I'm meeting her at 4 o'clock. - 4 o'clock. - I'm not adopted! - Yes, you are! - So, Phineas ` it just fell into his lap, did it? - He says it could be huge. - A real set-you-up-for-life job, eh? - Something like that. - Where are you going? - To the doc, with you. - Why? Ted, we already know what he's gonna say. - Yup. Same as last time, I suppose ` chemo, nausea, get the wig out of the box. - We've had the results back, and yes, you're fucked, Mrs West. - See? This is why I should be there. - Come and hold my hand? Ted, you know I don't like all the fussing, everyone getting in my business. - What, by helping you, being nice to you? - I hate it. - Yep, well, too bad ` I'm your husband; I'm allowed to be nice. - (SYNTHESISER MUSIC) - To cut a long story short, Jethro managed to bribe Van into taking his place at the cross-country. - Yeah, generally, Jethro gets what he wants when it comes to Van. But Van loves running, and Jethro hates it ` win-win for them both. - Cross-country is compulsory for all pupils. - Why? It's fucking cross-country. Excuse my language. - Not that Van ran very far. He climbed a tree in the orchard where the cross-country was being held and threw apples at all the children as they ran past. Meanwhile, Jethro was caught hiding in the music room, and when he was caught by the music teacher, Mr Bowman, he called him a fat shit-stain. Is there a dad in the picture, Ms West? - Sorry? - Boys benefit from having a male role model around. So for some of our solo mums, we suggest a buddy-type programme, something like an older-brother-type person. - Van and Jethro have a father, thank you very much. And I have a husband. He's just... - (ROCK MUSIC) - ...busy. - (CLEARS THROAT) - (POIGNANT GUITAR MUSIC) - Don't you have a gang meeting? - Oh, I'll give that a miss. - Oh, fuck off and go to your meeting. Well, what are you gonna do here, watch me make dinner (?) - Oh, for God's sake, Rita. - Ted, no. We're not doing this. I'm gonna make dinner, and you are going to your meeting. You hear me? - (POIGNANT MUSIC) - Good. - (SIGHS) - I tell ya, it's a life-changer. You can tan inside. - Yeah, I don't see the appeal. - It's a sunbed. You lie down in your daks ` or not if you don't want a tan line ` and 20 minutes later, brown skin. - What if you've already have brown skin? - The point is, Phineas, with a tanning bed, you don't have to go in the sun. - But I like the sun. - But it gives you cancer. - Do you have to, Bert? - Just cos you've given up, doesn't mean you get to tell the rest of us here what to do, mate. - They should ban smoking inside. - Never gonna happen. - Especially not in pubs. What're they gonna do, ask all the smokers to stand outside? (LAUGHS) - Great. Shall we get this meeting started? Ted? - DAVE DOBBYN: # Keep it that way, girl. - Oh, excuse me a second. - # Out in the battle, flung far and used. # Where does allegiance lie? # Sometimes when all of your hopes and all of your dreams are too much to value in one moment. # And all of us anxious, but why hurry love? History's here and now. # Oh, and why are you waiting? # - Ted? - Jesus. Can't a man have a bit of bloody peace and privacy in the bog? - Right. Fair enough. Ted, were you crying just now? - No, mate. Of course not. - What's wrong? - Nothing, mate. I'm fine. (SOBS) - Is Ted all right? - No. He's, um,... - crying. - Why? - (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry about that, lads. - (SNIFFS) - Phineas reckons you were crying like a baby in the bogs. - I didn't say like a baby. - Uh,... we've, uh... Rita and me, we've, um... (SNIFFS) we've had a bit of bad news. - Fuck. It's the cancer, isn't it? - Nah, nah, that's gone away. - She beat it. - In remission ` that's what they call it. - Yeah, except, uh,... the fucker came back. And, uh, this time, the, uh... the doctors say that it's terminal. - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) - Ah. - Terminal? - It means there's no cure. - I know what it means, dickhead. - Is there anything that we can do, Ted? - Maybe just don't let on to Rita you know, eh? She'll get around to telling you in her own time. - Yeah, mate. Mum's the word. - Of course, Ted. We can discuss the job another time, mate. - Good idea. - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) - Whisky? - Yeah, good on ya. - A whiskey would be great, mate. - (MOUTHS) - (ROCK MUSIC) Excuse me, where am I? You're lost in the procrastination place. Yeah, right. That makes sense. MAN: Slap yourself out of it. Whoo! - Ah, well, that's where you're wrong, - Ahh! Chur, my bro. Hey, I'm a hard-to-reach 18 to 29-year-old. - Cool, cool. Well, I'll be making some important decisions that may affect you. - I'll be making a decision that will affect you. - Ah, well, that's where you're wrong, because I've got the power. - But only if I vote for you. You see, the real power lies within me and those who are watching from home. - Well, do I get the job? - 'Do I get the job, boss?' - Sorry I'm late, Mrs D. Thanks for staying with her. - Oh, no, it's no problem. My Draska loves to play with Pascalle. They are best friends. - Would've got my bloody husband to pick her up, if I knew where he was. - My Tomislav is the same. Thinks anything to do with kids is women's work. - But you run the Galleria shop, yes? With the whiteware? I do. - Oh, maybe you can help us with a deal we're trying to make. - The Wests helping the Doslics? My in-laws would not like that. So, what do you need? - My family, we start a business, a laundrette, and we've been talking to a contact in Wellington, a Mr Nugent. You know him? - I know Rod Nugent. - Yeah, well, he has got the washing machines that we need, - but his price? Criminal. - (CHUCKLES) That'd be Rod. - Maybe you can talk to him, get us a better price. - Probably. But what's in it for me? - (POIGNANT MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (CLATTERING) - (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (THUD!) - (MUSIC CONTINUES) - TV: Fire so powerful, no defence programme can withstand it. - Hey, how's it going, boys? - Hello, little man. - (CHUCKLES) Gidday, love. OK if my dipshit mates come for tea? - Are you pulling my tit right now? You promised you'd be there to face that bitch teacher with me. - Fuck you, Wolf. - Jesus, calm down. A man is entitled to a little rest up in between very lucrative jobs. And I know you work too, but you sit on your bum all day at the shop, while I'm out there risking my life. - He didn't mean it, Cheryl. - Sit on my bum all day in a shop? Yeah, yeah, before I come here and sit on my bum and watch dinner get made and nappies get changed and babies get fed and toys get tidied and washing get done, because apparently some magic fucking fairy that does all of it while I sit on my bum! - OK, relax. I'll do the school thing next time. - You'll do it tomorrow. Bitch teacher said she wants the boys to find an outlet for their energy, - Like play a sport. - Well, did you tell her that's not gonna happen? - No, I signed them up for the cricket team try-outs. I also told her that their father would love to help coach the team. - Cricket is a wanker's game, Cheryl. - And I'm not doing it. - Yes, you are. - I've had a bit of experience playing kilikiti for the church` - Thanks, but no, Falani. Wolf is doing this. - Nah. I'm not into it. - Fine. Then I'm not into fucking you. Until you do what I say. - ALL: Ooh! - No fucky-fucky for Wolfie! - I think, looking back, that I was searching for a father for my children. I was blinded to the fact that Brian was` - A bit of a tool? - I was going to say not suited to me. But yes, a bit of a tool. - I never saw the appeal, myself. - Look at me now. Pushed out two babies, and what have I got to show for it? - Honestly, Carol, I wouldn't worry about it. They grow up and sod off, anyway. Look at Lefty and I ` three ungrateful daughters who never call, never visit. - Gidday. - Evening, love. Carol and I were just talking about our daughters. Did Chelsea get back to you about the timeshare in Paihia? - Mm. Snobby cow reckons her and her fancy man only holiday at Club Med. - Mm. See, Carol? Little bitch. - Chelsea's got a fancy man? - They've all run off with older men. You'd think they have Daddy issues. - Rita's got cancer. - Had cancer. - It's back. And it's... Ted was crying in the bog at the Rusty Nail. - Ted was crying? - Says she's only got a few months. - No. No, that can't be right. - Back with a vengeance. - Bullshit. - It's true, love. - I'll believe it when I see it. Rita West will outlive us all. - (DOOR CLICKS) - Dinner's in the oven. Might be a bit dry, but... - What? - You smoking again. - You heard the doctor ` there's nothing they can do. So I may as well smoke myself silly for the rest of my time on this earth. How was your meeting? - Oh, might put the job off for a bit. No, everyone's busy with their, you know, 9-to-5s. That's what I should concentrate on. - What, you want me to do the job? - What I want is to carry on like normal. - Carry on like normal. - That's what I said. And since I'm the one living on borrowed time, I expect to get what I want. - You always do, my love. - Good answer. - (BIRDS CHIRP) - What I said last night. - You're not really gonna hold out on me, are you? - (SLAP!) - Fine ` I'll do the cricket. - Really? - Really. - You're giving in way too easily. - Well, let's just say I'm feeling motivated. - Oh. You sure are. So you better get busy before the boys wake up. But first an apology. - What for? - For what you said about me sitting on my arse at the Galleria, for starters. Cos I am a fucking good businesswoman, Wolf. - I know, babe. - Rod Nugent was trying to rip off Mrs Doslic, from kindy, - and I talked him down by 50%` - What? No way you're doing business with a Doslic. They're crooks. - No kidding. - You've heard all the old stories. - I like Mrs D. And Pascalle and her kid are inseparable, Draska. She's a sweet little girl. - That whole family is trouble. - I'm selling them some washing machines, Wolf, not my fucking firstborn. Now, do you wanna fuck or not? - (ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) - Morning, Rita. - Morena, Mrs West. - You've met my apprentice, Aroha. - Yeah, I have. What the fuck's happening, Bert? - I'm just fixing the rattle in your car, like you asked. - Six months ago. - And I told you I'll get round to it. (CHUCKLES) - Bert's here, with Aroha, - fixing my car. - Oh, about time. - I've been watching this grow through the neighbour's fence, and this morning I hopped over and got it for you. - Really? - Yeah. They've got a tree full of feijoas, if you want some of them. - Phineas, why are you thieving fruit and veg for me? - Well, saves you going to Foodtown, love. - And since when has the grocery bill concerned either of you? - I'm staying in the caravan, so I should contribute. - Yeah, that's right. - And I can help you with the dishes and vacuuming` - Phineas, hell will freeze over before a man lifts a dishcloth in this house. - Right. - Ted West, that conversation we had about not talking not talking to anybody about my health. - Yeah, what about it? - You understood, didn't you? - Yeah, of course I did. - Hey, Wolf. Nice grundies. - Hey, Mandy. Fuck off. - Go and get ready for cricket! Go! - Oh, yeah, about that cricket thing, I've been thinking about that. - Oh, have you? - Yeah. I'll take the boys today, sure, but I don't think I'm the right person to coach. - A one-time thing, then. Kind of like the root we had this morning. - Cheryl, I don't know anything about cricket. - That's why Mandy's here. She used to play, so she can teach you. - Are you holding out on him until he does what you want? - I know holding out isn't a concept that you're used to. - I can give you a couple of days, tops. You like a good fuck just as much as I do. - She could just buy a vibrator. - Fine. I'll do the fucking cricket. - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Only us. In the neighbourhood and thought we'd drop by. - Why? - Why not? - Well, as long as you're not here to flog me one of your hotel rooms. - Timeshare holiday apartment, thank you very much. And as a matter of fact, one of our timeshares could be just what you need. - That's true, actually ` sunshine, relaxation. - For 24 days of each year. What's not to love about a holiday, though, Rita? Who wishes they spent less time on holiday? Life is short, so, you know... - What Lefty means is that it is a brand new decade, and the year 2000 is only 10 years away. What if you knew you had 24 days a year of holiday time between now and then? - That's 240 days of guaranteed relaxation, Rita. And it doesn't end there ` a timeshare purchase is forever. - Because you can bequeath your timeshare. - Wow. I'll take one, then. - Really? - No, Lefty. As I've told you before, you can shove your dodgy money-grubbing scheme up your arsehole. - Well, that's just lovely (!) I told you she's not dying. If she was, she might be a bit nicer. - (SIGHS) I am gonna kill you, Ted West. - (ROCK MUSIC) She got no assistance lifting this heavy bag of cement and sprang a leak. But Lisa has Poise. New Poise Thin & Discreet Extra Pads are 45 percent thinner than Poise Extra Pads, with the same protection. - So, if you whack the ball to the boundary, it's four runs, and if it goes over the boundary on the full, it's six runs. But just because Jenni Balani hits a six and wins the game, does not mean she can finger-bang you in her parents' spa pool afterwards. - Right. Good one. - Ta. - You know, you shouldn't let Cheryl bully you into this. The thing is, Wolf,... if one store closes,... there's another one open just around the corner. If you know what I mean. - It's really hard not to. - Do you know what a hat-trick is, Wolf? It's three wickets in a row. Bang, bang,... bang. And you could have a Miller sister hat-trick,... if you want. It's only one sister to go. - Boys! Cricket! - (BIRDS CHIRP) - Good morning, Cheryl. I have brought you morning tea. Is what we call a sausage roll. - We also call this a sausage roll. Thank you. - We have a lot in common. - And I have good news for you. As we speak, my guys are on their way back from Wellington after picking up the goods from Nugent. - Such fast work. - I don't muck around, Mrs D. - I like this. - So, you do you have the deposit I spoke about on the phone? - Ah, yes, the half now, half later. I don't have the cash on me now, but I will pay you in full on delivery. - Sure. Unless I sell the goods to someone else. - But this is my order. - Well, only when I get my deposit. - What, you don't trust me? - Business is business, Mrs Doslic. - Go play with your mates. - They're not my mates. - They are today. - Jethro has no mates. - Shut up! - Just go, OK? - Mum said you were gonna coach us. - We'll see what happens. Go. - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) - Excuse me. Did I hear something just then about you coaching this team? - Apparently. - Yeah, the thing is, I coached this team last season. And I know there were some complaints, but no one said anything about` - Mate, you want the job, it's all yours. I'll pick them up after practice. - But I do need an assistant coach. And I know you. You used to work for Evan Lace back in the day. So did I. Dick Spiller. I looked after Mr Lace's classic car collection. - They all got nicked, didn't they? - Yeah. Well, that wasn't my fault. I was accosted by a large gang of Islanders. - Terrible. - Oh, dodgy bastards everywhere. I run a tow-truck business now. You know what happened two weeks ago? My tow-truck was stolen and used in a robbery. - It's an outrage. - It is an outrage. It's outrageous. That's what that is, the crime rate. - Is Eric here? I can't find him anywhere. - Well, that'll because I sent him to Wellington. - What the fuck for? - For a job. - The useless bastard. - He's on a job, Krystle. - Well, what about me, huh? The useless piece of shit could look after his kid once in a while. I need a break too, you know. - Do you know how hard it is being a mum? - I've got four kids, Krystle. - Billy! You son of a bitch. Listen here, you little fucker! Remember what I said to you about Cheryl's` - You know, you really shouldn't speak to a 3-year-old like that. - Oh. Oh, you know how to parent my kid better than I do? Fine. Go ahead. - Oh, no, no. No, last time I babysat for you, you left him for four days. - I just need to go to the Coromandel for one night, OK? It'll just one night, and then` - No. I am not your babysitter. - Fine. Fine. Well, in that case. - (ROCK MUSIC) - Watch out, Billy. Krystle! You fucking cow! - (MUSIC CONTINUES) - I didn't realise I'd have to pay child support. The mother paying the father ` it's all back to front. I mean, can they do that? But my problems are just little worries in the scheme of things. - Bullshit. Your ex-husband has your children; now he wants you to pay him money. - How is that a little worry? - Well, it's not life or death. - You too, huh? - Sorry? - My husband has been telling people my private business. - Oh, no, Ted didn't say anything. - You're not lying to a dying woman, are you, Carol? - Please don't say that. - That you're lying? That I'm dying? - That. - How did you find out, Carol? - Lefty told me. - Wonderful (!) - (SOBS) THE WARRATAHS: # Ooh, my heart's got a hold on you, # and it won't let go. # And it won't let go. # And it won't let go. # - (SNIFFLES) - Now that we're in pairs, guys, we're gonna do a catching drill. OK? All right. Let's go. Oh. Someone go with Aaron, please. Anybody? - OK. - Van, how about you go with Aaron? - Aaron is an egg. - Fair enough. - Oh, hello, Loralee. Having a great time here. - But are we gonna win a game this year, Mr Spiller? - We'll give it our best shot. (CHUCKLES) - Who's that? - Miss Cameron. She said I'm stupid. - That's the bitch teacher? - Yeah. But you can't call her that ` Mum said so. - (BIRDS CHIRP) (RELAXED MUSIC PLAYS) (MUSIC CONTINUES) - Hey, would you mind staying on a bit? I've got an extra. - She do it again? - Yeah, again. Would you mind? - No. And by no, I mean yes ` yes, I mind. - No, no way. - For a couple of hours, tops. I've gotta close this deal with the Croatians, and the store has had the back-in-15-minutes sign up for the last hour, - and if I don't get back there soon` - Still no. - Mandy, it doesn't look like you're actually overworked here. - No, it's... him. I think he's a bit possessed. - (RELAXED MUSIC PLAYS) - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Miss Cameron, right? - Yes. - You teach my boys. Both of them. - Van and Jethro. - Wolfgang West. Wolf. - Pleased to meet you. - Do you have a minute? The kids are at cricket practice. - I saw. It's nice to see them taking part in the activities we have to offer. - You don't like my kids much, do you? It's OK ` you don't have to answer that. If I was locked in a classroom all day with a bunch of kids, I'd hate them all too. The thing is, Miss Cameron, if you have a specific problem with my kids, then that's something you and I need to talk about. - (ICE RATTLES) - What part of, 'Don't tell anyone' did you not get, Ted? - The boys saw me crying ` what was I meant to tell them? - You were crying? - In the bogs, yeah, the Rusty. Yes, yes, I was crying. - Ted, you know from last time that I don't like people pitying me. - Yeah, well, you're not the only one going through this. Again. - Yeah, well, I don't see you with one foot in the bloody grave, Ted. - Not one foot, no ` just my whole fucking heart. - (FOOTSTEP CLICKS) - Sorry. I'm sorry. Bloody selfish of me to think about myself. - Look, love, you will be joining me sooner or later. That's one thing we know for sure. - Meet again in hell, you reckon? - (DRINK POURS) - We will meet again. 'Course we will. - And what I am meant to do till then, eh? - Remarry, I suppose. But you'd better not love her more than me or I will fucking haunt you and the floozy. - There is and always will be only one love in my life, Rita West. - (POIGNANT GUITAR MUSIC) (MUSIC CONTINUES) (MUSIC FADES) - I had the whole gang round here today, Ted, one by one. - Yeah. Carol ` bawling. (CHUCKLES) Lefty and Ngaire trying to sell me a timeshare apartment. - Time being the one thing you have heaps of, right (?) - Actually, no I didn't quite have the whole gang. No Bilkey. - Really? Thought he'd be the first one round here. He was last time. - Your boys aren't stupid, Mr West. In fact, by Chris Amon standard, Jethro is well ahead of the curve. - Then why am I getting grief from my wife, from them, that you hate them? - Maybe it's that I have some concerns, and those are being misinterpreted. - What concerns? - I asked the class to draw what their dad did for a job, and this is what Van drew. - What does that say? - Apparently, it says Robbing Hood. - Right. And what's this? Like, a bird or something? - Those are breasts. Specifically my breasts, apparently. Van draws breasts on all of his pictures. - And that's what this is all about? - Well, yeah, but no. This ` this is what Jethro drew. - We don't have guns at home, if that's what's driving this. I shot a guy once, when I was young, which is why you should listen very carefully to what I have to say. I don't like getting grief from my wife about a teacher who seems to have a problem with my kids. - Is there a threat coming, Mr West? - No. Not at all. In fact, quite the opposite. I was thinking of ways I could help my out old school. I do all right in my job, so I can afford to share some of it around. - And in return? - You can do whatever you like to my kids while they're here ` over to you. But to my wife, you only say good things. - No more grief. - No more grief. - Well, I suppose the cricket team could do with some new gear. - (ROCK MUSIC) - (DOORS SQUEAK) - (HOOKS CLICK) - You made good time. - Keith scored us some pills that made driving through the night a piece` Hey, my little man! - She dumped him again, did she? - She's a winner; that's for sure. - Yeah. - What do you want us to do with the washing machines? - Please say leave them in the truck, as they are very heavy. - They can stay there for now. Good timing. The boys have just arrives with your machines. - Where do you want them? - Oh, we have truck. We will load on truck. - So shall we head inside and finish up the paperwork? - Change of plans. We will not be buying them. - You don't want them? - Oh, no, we want them, but they are already ours. - Sorry? - They were stolen from my cousin's laundrette in Petone, which was then burned to ground. - Rod said that he bought them from a place in Petone that had closed down. - And then burned to the ground. - So, you see, machines are rightfully ours. - What about our deal? - Well, it means nothing if the goods are stolen. - I paid Rod Nugent for them. - Well, then, talk to Rod Nugent about that. Istovarite stvari! Get truck. Unload machines. - Oh, no, like hell you're laying one finger on those things. Falani, go in the store, call the police. - Are you sure that is wise, Mrs Cheryl? - Tell them we've got a few dodgy Dallies here, trying to commit insurance fraud. Isn't that what this is, Mrs D? Rod pays you for them, then the insurance company pays you for them, and then you get them off me for nothing ` sounds a lot like insurance fraud to me. - Well, there is no need to get police involved. - Then give me my money, you double-dipping, insurance-scamming bitch. - I'm not going to paying you a cent, you junk-selling, West-shagging trash. - Smack her! - Oh, that was his first words! Eh? Well done, Billy! - (BOTH LAUGH) - Is this what it has come to, brawling in the street? - Well, it's not my first choice, but if needs must. - Surely, there must be another way. There are children here. - Smack! Smack! Smack! (GIGGLES) - Hey. Hey, hey, hey, OK, that is enough now, Billy. (CHUCKLES) - Well, I guess I can think of one other way. - Ah, the time-honoured palagi tradition of talking things out while drinking. - Leads to much clearer thinking. - You like rum and Coke? - See? We are already learning things about each other. - My mother-in-law says it's a slapper's drink. - But I hear that she is a slapper. - Here's the thing. My husband, Wolf, he said your family isn't to be trusted. And I fucking hate it when my husband's right. - My Tomislav say the same thing about the West family. He said the Wests are low-life thieves, criminals. - And here we are, proving them right. - And here we are. - So are we gonna let the smug pricks we married say I told you so to us? - (SLURPS) More slapper's drink! - More slapper's drink! - Oh dear. - Where did you get to? You missed the whole thing. Your boys have serious potential. Van could be an excellent slugger in the middle order, and Jethro is a crafty little spin bowler. They could be the next Crowe brothers. - Is that right? What do you reckon, boys? You wanna play cricket? - Nah, cricket sucks. - It's really boring. - Sorry, mate. I guess that means I'm out too. Come on, boys. - What about the waste of talent? - Van threw a ball that hit Aaron in the nuts. It was choice. - Yeah. He cried. - Good work, boys. - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Rita. - Well, what kind of greeting's that for a dying woman? I've had half of West Auckland show up, but not you. What's the story? - Well, I'm sure you're busy enough, without me darkening your door. - Have I done something to offend you, Bilkey? - No, of course not. - Well, if you haven't heard the news, I'm on my last legs. I'm shuffling off this mortal coil, Bilkey. I'm toast. I'm gone. - Yes, I did bloody well hear you. And you know what? I'm sick to fuckery of saying goodbye to my friends. Not enough that I've lost too many of them to the bloody AIDS; now you've gotta go and get in on the act? Well, it's not fucking acceptable, and I won't have any of it. - All right, Bilkey. - Yeah, I'm not coming around to hold your hand or stroke your hair, because I've had a gutsful, Rita, and I can't do it again. I can't do it any more, and I... I don't wanna do it with you. - Oh, fuck you, Bilkey. Fuck you. I have been trying not to do this,... because I don't have the time for it. WHISPERS: I literally don't have the time for it, Bilkey. (SOBS) (SOBS) - Oh. - (SOBS) (SOBS) - Ah, well, that's where you're wrong, - Ahh! Chur, my bro. Hey, I'm a hard-to-reach 18 to 29-year-old. - Cool, cool. Well, I'll be making some important decisions that may affect you. - I'll be making a decision that will affect you. - Ah, well, that's where you're wrong, because I've got the power. - But only if I vote for you. You see, the real power lies within me and those who are watching from home. - Well, do I get the job? - 'Do I get the job, boss?' - For fuck's sake, give me a drag. Oh, Christ, that's disgusting. Ew. (CHUCKLES) - Now we've finished with the crybaby shit, we need to get on with it. Making the most of every moment. - How so? - I don't suppose you feel like tying one on tonight, do you? - (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) - # A shortcut through the park, and he got away. # I blame my servants from now on... # - Cheryl's cutting loose. - So I see. - Honey! How was the cricket? - Not really their thing, I'm afraid. - Ah, well, it's a wanker's sport. - The teacher ` Miss What's-her-face. - Miss Bitch. - She was really impressed that they tried out. She had good things to say about them. - You talked to her? - And I don't think she'll be a problem any more. - Good. - Wanna dance with me? - No. - You know, you were right. - I was? - That bitch tried to screw me. And not in a good way, not like you do. - The Doslics? - But I showed her. TH' DUDES: # Drink yourself # more bliss. # Forget about the last one; get yourself another. # - (BOTH CACKLE) - And you had no faith in me. - A mistake I won't make again. - Seriously, I drove to Wellington and back. I watched two women fight about whiteware, then I watched two women get drunk, and I drove one of them home to you. We need more work. - Dance with me? - No. - (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) - Billy. - Oh, you're back, are ya? - Yeah, I am. Come on, Billy. - Oh, that's how it works, is it? You just disappear whenever you like, and then show up again whenever you like. - It was this afternoon, Eric. - Want me to slap her for you, Eric? - I appreciate the thought Cheryl, but I can handle this. Not acceptable, Krystle. You can't just dump our son whenever you feel like it. Either you give him to Cheryl full-time or you lift your game. - Whoa. What? Hold on. - No, I mean it, Krystle. You're a bad mother. - You don't know how hard it is for me, do you? No one wants to fuck me, because I've got a kid. Why do you think I'm back from the Coromandel today? The best guy I ever went with, he found out about Billy, and he dumped me, because he doesn't want a kid living in his house bus. So I drove all the way back. - Aw. There, there. - (SNIFFLES) - It's his loss. Because you are a very decent root, Krystle. - I know! - Aw, it's OK. You'll find somebody. (SIGHS) - (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) - # Look out, look out, look out! # - (BOTH PANT) - Dear sweet Lord, no. - That is so wrong. - No. No! Not in the house! - Mmm. - Oh fuck. - Fuck! - Oh, yeah, you like a bit of this, don't ya? - When I find future Mrs Falani, please let her be sane. - (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) - I'm sorry you drew the short straw when it came to parents, Billy. Don't worry. I'm here for you, kid. - BOTH: Oh! - Oh yeah! Yeah! (LAUGHS) - I'm sitting around twiddling my fucking thumbs, Bianca. I don't like it. - You want another job. - The more I'm at home, the more my wife tries to get me involved with the kids. - Sounds awful. - So what you got? - There is something coming up, as a matter of fact. Should be a doddle for a crew with your skills. As long as you don't have a problem with the importation of a certain white powder. - No. Drugs did not end well for us last time. - Just hear me out. This time, your exposure to the actual drugs will be practically zero ` no risk at all. - (BOTTLES CLINK) - What's going on? - We're having a party. - A 'fuck you, death' party. Rita's gonna do this on her own terms. You know she is. (SIGHS) - All right. A piss-up. Sounds like a plan. Who have you invited? - Everyone. - (PLASTIC BAGS RUSTLE) - (BOYS ARGUE) - Ah, there you are. - I take it Cheryl's crashed out. - No, far from it. They've all gone to another party, leaving me to look after the bloody kids. - Fair enough. - You need to go to the party. It's at your olds' place. it's not really an invitation; more like an order. - (BOYS ARGUE) - (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) - Ah, good. We're all here. - Hi, Mum. What's the occasion? - The occasion is the celebration of my cancer coming back, bigger and better than ever. You'll have to remind your wife in the morning. I don't think she quite took it in before she flaked. What a lightweight! - So, what happens? Chemo, radiation? - No, not this time. All that'd only get me six months, at best. - Hold on. You're... You're choosing just to roll over` - I'm choosing a good time, not a long time. - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) - Jesus Christ. - Well, Rita's made her decision, and we all know what she says goes. - So drink up and be merry. - (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) - Bilkey, kill the music. I've got something to say. - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) - Yep, this bloody thing has come back to take me down, but here's how it's gonna happen ` I am gonna go out with a smile on my dial. - Hear hear! - I'm not gonna be the sick woman. I am not gonna lie in my deathbed for the next however long. I'm not even gonna have a deathbed. - Let's make it a death dance floor. - Exactly. I will bloody well leave this world dancing. - (GASPS) - Carol, no. No more of that. - Sorry. - You save that for when I'm gone. But while I'm still here,... we do what we've always done. So charge your glasses, turn up the fucking music, and let's have a fucking party. Because death, you might get me in the end, but you cannot take my life away from me. - Fuck you, death. - Yeah, fuck ya, death. - (SIGHS) - Oh, I don't think we should taunt death like this, eh. It's risky. - To Rita West, bloody staunchest bird I know. And, uh, fuck you, death! - Fuck death. - I still say she'll be here 10 years, saying the same thing. - (SHARON O'NEILL'S 'LOSING YOU' PLAYS) # Oh. (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING) - You've gotta pick your battles, Wolf. And I never go into one I know I can't win. - # Nothing's wrong. - # Everyone thinks I see things that aren't even there. - So come on ` stop your fucking moping and come and dance with your mother. - (CHUCKLES) - # I've watched you stalking her. # I've seen you weaken to her scent on the wind. - My beautiful boy. - # Do you think I don't know, the minute I look in your eyes? - Mwah! My beautiful boy. - (BOTH CHUCKLE) - # I'm losing you. - # Losing you. - # Looks like I'm losing you. - # I'm losing you. - # Losing you. # Looks like I'm losing you. - # I'm losing you. - # Losing you. # Looks like I'm losing you. # You're almost out of sight. - # Losing you. - # I see you fading away. - (PANTS) - # I'm losing you. - # Losing you. # - Fu...! - (ROCK MUSIC) - Whoo-hoo-hoo! - This doesn't feel good, Wolf. Drugs isn't who we are. ` This is the world we live in, and we have to evolve. But hey, if you don't like money, feel free to fuck off. - Gold, cash, jewels. - The first problem is getting past the strippers. - There are worse problems. - It's not doable. - This is about an opportunity that once upon a time we would have jumped all over. - You can't just fuck cancer away, Rita. - You want your money, you come with me to get it. - This is bullshit, Bianca.