- We're gonna find a way to drill through that wall, take a fortune from that vault. I figured it out. - I never had any doubt. - Are you asking me to work with you, Mr West? - I don't want to shack up with Ted. - You're trying to set your husband up with my ex-wife? - I'm not having Ted shack up with some gold-digger. Even worse, Ngaire. - There's something you can do for me tonight, if you're up for it. - Oh God! - What`? - What the... - The first thing is the rush, and then your organs start to shut down. A week later, a month later, you die. - (YELLS) - All I want is go to my grave happy in the knowledge that my boy is safe. - I never asked you to be the martyr. You crossed a line today. Nobody ` and I mean nobody ` finds out. Not Cheryl, not my kids, and not Dad. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2020 - (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES SHAKILY) - You've got this, Ted. Every detail, you have it covered. - It's not the job I'm worried about. - Oh, yeah? - It's this bloody funeral you got us going to in the morning. Hate funerals. - Not so keen on them myself. - Good. So do we have to go? - Yes. Ted, do not even think about it. We are going, and that's that. You just make sure you're home in time. - Are you sure you don't need me? - We have the people for the job. What, half my crew? - Yeah, well, they're all in for a reason. - Just not me. - I need you here for your mother in case this thing goes tits-up. - Bullshit. - We both get nicked, what happens then? - Bullshit, bullshit. This is about the Bianca thing. I'm getting kicked to the kerb! - RITA: Wolf, leave your father alone. He's got a job to do. He doesn't need your shit. (UNEASY MUSIC) - You wanna be useful? - (DOOR OPENS) - Pour us both a drink. - (DOOR CLOSES) - You can sit up with me. - (THUNDER RUMBLES IN DISTANCE) (RAIN PATTERS) - You know to stick to the plan, right? - The plan. - OK, off you go. - I'll make my father proud. And you too. Thank you. - (SIGHS) - (METAL CLANKS) - You OK? - All the way, boss. - You OK? - Sweet as. - If you're not there when we need you, this whole` - Don't worry about me. Just do what you have to do. - 23 years since we did our first job. - Trying to make me feel old? - You and me, bud. Hm. - (METAL CLANKS, TED CLEARS THROAT) All right, listen up. We all know what we have to do, so let's do it. And don't fuck it up. - Inspirational, Ted. - Let's go. - (CAR ENGINES REV) - (SOFT MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) - (SIGHS) (SIGHS) - You know the most unattractive thing a man can be? A sulky little bitch. Really not a good look. - I'm not sulking. - Could've fooled me. - I don't like feeling useless. Is that a sin? - (GLASS THUDS) - OK, Wolf, I'm gonna need you to get the fuck over yourself. Because pretty soon, I'm not gonna be here, and I will not leave this family in the hands of a whining sissy boy. And Ted is gonna fall apart, so I need to know you'll be there for him. For me. - I would've sorted it. - (SIGHS) - One way or another, I would` - Yeah, well, I got in there first, and now it is sorted. And at least I'll go knowing my boy is safe. - (DOOR OPENS IN DISTANCE) - Slutty Pants. Pull up a glass. - Really not gonna miss you calling me that. (HEADLESS CHICKENS' 'GASKRANKINSTATION') - # My name's Ivan. # My occupation? # Well, I've been workin' 20 years # at the gaskrankinstation downtown. # I love the cars, y'know. # Without me, they wouldn't go very far. # I like the smell. I like my work. - (KEYPAD BEEPS) - # But my wife, she makes me feel like such a jerk when I can't # get it up. # Sometimes I look at her and I don't... - Hey, uh, sorry, guys. Club's closed tonight. Frickin' bugs, eh. So they're, uh, pumping it full of nasty shit. - Ciao. - # I got a cat # called Ed... - This thing about the cockroaches is bullshit, right? I-It's a story so the council would shut the club down, right? - No, Lefty. We actually let cockroaches loose in here. - (CHUCKLES) Hundreds o' the fuckers. - (DANCE MUSIC PUMPS, WOMAN SCREAMS) - They were all over the bar and everything. People were freakin' out. Pretty hilarious when all the dancers came through. - No, wait, why did no one tell me this part of the plan? - You got a problem with cockroaches, Lefty? - Well, apart from the fact they're creepy and carry disease, yes. - Isn't that what people usually say about you? - (LAUGHS) - (SPRAY HISSES) (TENSE ROCK MUSIC) - Your job, mate. You get first crack. - (GRUNTS) - (PANTS) All yours now. (ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES) - (DRILL WHIRRS LOUDLY) - (ENGINE CHIRPS, WHIRRS) - OK. Let's do this. - (WHIRRING INTENSIFIES) (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (SOFT MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) - RITA: Carol calls it the 'widow's watch', which I always hated. Till now. For some reason, really speaks to me now. - It's sexist. The women waiting at home while the men are out hunting? - And tell me, Blondie, do you have the skills to do what Ted's doing tonight? - SIGHS: Of course not. - Well, when you have the skills and they still won't let you do it, then that's sexist. - Also not gonna miss the 'Blondie' thing. - (DOOR OPENS) - CAROL, BRIGHTLY: Reporting, as ordered. - (DOOR CLOSES) - You don't have to be here, Carol. - Well, it's tradition, isn't it? The vigil. - Since when have you called it 'the vigil'? - I just thought the widows thing was a bit on the nose these days. - Very sensitive of you. - So, why do we have to go to this fucking funeral? Apart from because you say we have to. - (LIQUID POURS) - He went to war with us. We won. - In the paper, it says he was drunk and drove into a pond. How is that winning? - Once upon a time, he wanted to drive us out of our home. We're still here. He's gone. - So it's a victory lap? - Well, Ngaire, if it helps, you can think of it as practice. For mine. - Rita, you're dark at the best of times, but this truly is the icing on the cake. - Oh, come on. Just let me have this funeral, because the next one will be mine, and it's not as if I'll be able to enjoy the show. - Jesus. - So here's the plan, like it or not ` we wait for the boys, we say, 'Ta-ta, Frankie Figs,' and then we come back here for the wake. - He's having his wake here? - No. My wake, Carol. After all I've done for this family, I deserve a bloody good wake, one I can actually raise a glass to. - Stop it! - Stop what? - Treating it like it's a joke! - And by 'it', you mean my death, which means, I reckon, I can treat it however the fuck I want, Wolf. - (DOOR OPENS) - Wolf! - (DOOR SLAMS) - (DOOR OPENS, HURRIED FOOTSTEPS RECEDE) - It's just her messed-up way of dealing with everything. Ignore her. - That's what I'm doing. By getting away from it. - Come to bed, then. - When I said 'getting away from it', I meant 'getting as far away from here as possible'. It was a mistake coming back here. It says we failed. - (SIGHS) Don't be ridiculous. - Go inside, Cheryl. Go join the widow's watch, or whatever they're calling it tonight. I can't be around all this bullshit. - (ENGINE STARTS) - (ENGINE REVS) - Fuck's sake! - (DRILL WHIRRS LOUDLY) - Go, Phin. Keep going. Keep going, nice and slow. Little bit more. OK! Back it up. Shut it down. - (ENGINE GRINDS, STOPS) - Time for Sparky to do his thing. (TENSE MUSIC) - PANTS: OK, once we bust through on this one, we pull the drill out, you do your thing. Piece o' piss. - Yeah, so long as Sparky does his thing. - Yeah. - It's Spaceboy. Over. - (RT CRACKLES) - Roger. - RT: OK, it's time to do your` Oh, fuck's sake! Big fuckin' bastard thing! Get off me! - Earth? - (RT CRACKLES) - Earth, are you still there? Over. - Look, just fuckin' do your job, OK? - (RT CRACKLES) (TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES) - (SOFT FIZZING) - (CRACKLING) - (CRACKLING INTENSIFIES) - (EXPLOSION BOOMS, SPARKY SCREAMS) - (AIR BILLOWS) - (BOOM!) - (CLICK!) - Well, I'll be blowed. - (CLUNKING, RATTLING) - (MOTOR STARTS) - OK, boys, here we go. - (DRILL WHIRRS) (TENSE MUSIC) - (MUFFLED WHIRRING) (UNSETTLING MUSIC) - (ELECTRICITY HISSES SOFTLY) (ROCK MUSIC) A week later, a month later, you die. (TENSE ROCK MUSIC) - (LOUD WHIRRING) - Yup, we're in. - Yep. - OK. - (WHIRRING CONTINUES) - (ENGINE WINDS DOWN) - (PIPE HISSES) - (TOOLS GRIND, CLINK) - (BOTH GRUNT) - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, you got it. - OK, boys. - That's it. - OK, Phin. - (DEBRIS CLINKS) - (ELECTRICITY HISSES SOFTLY, SPARKY COUGHS) - (COUGHS, GRUNTS) - (COUGHING CONTINUES) - (BOOM! ELECTRICITY FIZZES) - (EXHALES) Oh, Hellmouth. (BREATHES HEAVILY) (MUSIC CONTINUES) - Right. - (GRUNTS) - Getting fat in your old age there. - (GROANS) You skinny bastards. God. - (PRY BAR CLANKS) - Not like them old days, eh, Ted? - Yeah? How so? - Oh, a bit smash-and-grab by your standards. - Oh, I think I can live with the shame. - (LAUGHTER) - (SIGHS) She's gone downhill very quickly. - Tell me about it. - It's the cancer. Sometimes it's slow, then suddenly it's fast. - Thank you, Dr Carol. - Well, it is. I've been reading a lot about cancer lately, just in case. - In case you stumble across a cure (?) - In case I can be useful. - Junior's dealing with it well (!) - Well, at least he confronted it tonight. It's been like walking on eggshells since we moved back in. - Mm. Confronted it by riding off into the night. - Sometimes men confront things by running away from them. - RITA: Or he could grow a pair and deal with it. And instead of talking shit, it'd be good if someone got me a drink. - It's a wonder we still love you. - Yeah, what's wrong with you people? - Don't worry, Rita. I'll hate you forever. - (SIGHS) And I shall happily take that thought with me to the grave. - (MOTORBIKE ENGINE RUMBLES) - (CRICKETS CHIRP) - (ENGINE STOPS) - (SIGHS) - (BOTTLES CLINK) (BROODING MUSIC) - Shit! (SIGHS) Scared the hell outta me. Havin' a cheeky old perv, were you? - Like that would shock you. - Aren't you meant to be at Mummy and Daddy's place? I don't get why you wanna move outta here. The bad guy's dead, isn't he? And this place is way cooler. (SIGHS) OK, this is fun, not talking to you. Trouble with the missus? Come and have a swim. Swimming washes away everything. - What is it with you? About me? - I thought I made that clear. - But why? - Uh, because you're fuckin' hot. Because I think about it all the time. What it would be like. - Because you'd be getting one over your sister? - (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) This is nothing to do with her. This is about me... wanting you. Don't get me wrong, Wolf. I don't wanna play happy families with you. I just wanna fuck you. - (BOTH PANT) - (MOANS) (MOANS, PANTS) - (TELEPHONE RINGS) - (GRUNTS) - (MOANS, PANTS) - (LINE RINGS) (BROODING MUSIC) - (PANTING) - (PRY BAR CLANGS) - Something called 'bearer bonds' valuable? - Oh yes, young Phineas. Yes indeed. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) - Sorry, fullas. Club's shut tonight for, uh, fumigation. - I don't think so, mate. - There are days when I love my work. (OMINOUS MUSIC) - Hello. - Hello. - You're the one with the tiny cock. Right? - One testicle. - Lefty. That's right. So, how's our little job going, then? - (THUDDING IN DISTANCE) (TENSE MUSIC) - We got a problem. Upstairs. - Can it wait? - Not a fuckin' chance. - (PRY BAR CLANGS) - Iris, what are you doing here? - CHUCKLES: Oh! It's my club, Teddy-boy. I can come and go as I please. - Are you sure you wanna come and go right now? - Just makin' the most of the opportunity. - Bringing us some water, Iris, cos it's such thirsty work? - Oh, wouldn't you know it? The buggers who used my place to stage a robbery torched it to cover their tracks. - No, that is not part of the plan, Iris. - Well, me and my boys here think that the plan could do with some tweaking. - The tweak where you get your cut as well as the insurance money? - You can see why this has a lot of appeal for me. - Mm-hm? Pity about the part where it gets us all nicked. The power's gonna be out for hours, Iris. Maybe even days. They won't even know that there's been a robbery until we are long gone. But if the fire engines start rushing to the place there are hordes of cops everywhere... - People havin' a look, see what's goin' on. - Fine. Well, we'll wait until you're gone. - You don't think that torching the place kinda sends the message that you were involved, Iris? - No. It says that the robbers covering their tracks` - There won't be any tracks! You will look like another innocent victim here. As innocent as you can possibly look. - And, quite frankly, if I worked for an insurance company, which I did once, I would not pay out under such dodgy circumstances. - Good point, Lefty. - I know I'd be goin' straight to the cops with that one. - Another good point, Lefty. - Right. Well,... we'll leave you to it, then. - Good idea, Iris. - Is that`? - No, you cannot have your cut. You will get your cut when you get your cut. - Righty-ho, then. - God fuckin' help me. (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE) - No staying power in the young. - I've got four kids, Ngaire. - And a missing husband. - That too. - Kind of handy, wasn't it? - What was, Ngaire? - Figs driving off the road like that. All when he was about wreaking vengeance on your family. - That's what we're gonna celebrate in the morning. - I don't think you should celebrate a death. - You think there won't be people celebrating the news of my death, Carol? I bet that Doslic's gonna have a right old knees-up. - (CHUCKLES) - (CARDS THUD) - I can't do this any more. - Do what? - Sit here and listen to you joking about your own death. - What else do you want me to do about it? - I don't know. I just can't listen to it any more. I need to have a lie-down. (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) - All right? (GRUNTS) - Yeah. - OK, Baby Bear. Bring it on in. - RT: Sweet as. - You drive careful, now, sweetie. - (RT CRACKLES) (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (CLUNK!) - We all good? - No one since our visitors left. - Well, where's your bloody girlfriend? - Hey, not his girlfriend. - Um, I think she might be. - I live in hope. - Yeah, well, don't. (SMOOTH MUSIC) - (ENGINE RUMBLES) - (BRAKES SQUEAL) - All yours. - Call me sweetie again and I'll smash you in the face. - Wow. Aren't you getting into the whole truck-driver vibe. - (ENGINE STARTS) (ROCK MUSIC) - (ENGINES REV) (ROCK MUSIC) - There is a lotta cash here. Way more than I was expecting. - I told you. It's where all the dodgy companies like to hide their estate cash. - Something we need to worry about? - What, revenge of the property developers? No, I think we'll be OK. Better than OK. Set for ages. As long as no one gets stupid. - We are not stupid people, Mr Ted. - OK, this is how it's gonna work. You get the stash house sorted? - 'Course. - So you'll take the jewels down country? - Yeah, it'll take time. Need to cut down the more obvious pieces. - Understood. Then you'll feed the cash back to Lefty. That's how always used to do it, right? - (FLAMES CRACKLE QUIETLY) - Yeah, but then that didn't go so well. - It worked well for a number of years before that, as I remember. You up for it? - You sure you want me to do this? - Yeah. I am. OK. Then we've all got our jobs to do... and a funeral to look forward to. - All right. - All right. - You OK, Sparky? - Am I? - What? - Still me? - Right. You did a good job is what I was getting at. (SPOOKY MUSIC) - Do you speak Italian? - Versace? - Is that Eyetie for 'fuck me harder'? - Well, yeah, in some circles. - Ngaire's really big on me, uh, speakin' Italian while we're fuckin'. Says she's practising for when we're there. SIGHS: Yeah. - It's weird fucking Ngaire and saying shit like 'fettuccine carbonara' and seeing how much it gets her off. - You straight people never cease to amaze me. - We should do some o' that blow. Just to get through tonight and on to the stupid funeral. - Nah. Not going to the funeral. - Well, we've been ordered. - Ha. Rita doesn't get to play the 'I have cancer and I'm dying, so do what I say' card all the time. - Shit, she's been playin' the 'do what I say' card all her bloody life, without the actual cancer. Worked on me. - Yeah, but unlike you, Lefty, I actually have a spine. - Hm. - Rita didn't make it, eh? - Oh no. I mean, I know she wasn't looking too flash, but I thought that she` - No, no, no, Phineas. I mean she didn't make it to wait up for us. - Went to bed about an hour ago. - Oh! OK, well, that's good. - Nightcap? - Yep. - I take it from the fact that you're here that we had a win? - Oh yeah, we had a win, all right. - Oh, better not. Might be, like, embalming fluid, and then I'll be embalmed for all eternity. - Okey-dokey. Gentlemen. To the very nice job that Phineas found. - Cheers, boys. - (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) - PANTS: Eric. Eric! Eric! - GROANS: What? - Do I look dead to you? - You what? - I think I'm dead. - So... you died on the job? - SIGHS: Oh, like father, like son. - But you got the job done first, right? - I was underground. There was light, then darkness, and then fire, and I was lifted up like I was climbing a ladder, and then... I ran. I ran and I ran and I ra` - Sparky, you don't look any deader than usual. But do you wanna know how you'll find out for certain? Go to sleep. If you don't wake up in the morning, you're dead. - SIGHS: Oh, fuck. - Uh` - (DOOR CLOSES) - I needed to get away from it. - OK. - Come and lie beside me. - Oh, I... stink from the job. - I like your stink. - Yeah, you always did. - (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) - (SIGHS) - (BED CREAKS, BOOTS THUD) - (GRUNTS) (SIGHS) You know I'm getting a stiffy? Right? I-I can't help it. - It's OK, Phineas. You know I like your stiffies. In fact... - (BUCKLE CLINKS) - What are you doing? - Remembering what your stiffy feels like. - I thought we wasn't` - Shh. WHISPERS: Don't overthink it. - (BREATHES HEAVILY) - (SIGHS) - SIGHS: Do we have to go to this thing? - I'm not game enough to say no. (CLEARS THROAT) Night. - (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE) - (DOOR CLOSES IN DISTANCE) - Versace. - The clothing designer? - But does it get you going? - We're not fucking on Rita's couch. (INHALES DEEPLY) - (DOOR CLOSES) (MELANCHOLY MUSIC) - (RITA GRUNTS SOFTLY) - Are we good? - We're better than good. - (BOOT THUDS) - You're the best, Ted West. Always will be. - (BOOT THUDS) - Take a shower. - (DOOR OPENS) - (WATER RUNS) - (BREATHES SHAKILY) (GASPS, SOBS) - (BIRDS TWITTER) - No. - Cold, hard light of day, eh? So shut your eyes and pretend it's last night. - (SIGHS) - So, what's the deal with this funeral I'm meant to be wrangling your kids at? - (SIGHS) Something my mum wants. Nothing to do with me. - Will you be there? - You say one word to Cheryl and the next funeral will be yours. - (SCOFFS) Man, aren't you grumpy first thing in the morning. - I'm serious. - Fuck me again and I'll promise not to tell. God, stop worrying! This isn't about me waving my dirty knickers in Cheryl's face. - What is it about? - Me getting what I want. And knowing I'll get it again. One day. - Dream on. - CHUCKLES: Oh, no. You'll be back. (MELANCHOLY MUSIC) - (SIGHS) (SIGHS) - CHERYL: Just bloody sit down, Rita! I'm making breakfast. - RITA: It's my kitchen. I can cook for these people. - Are you sure about that? Have you looked in the mirror lately? - Morning, ladies. Nice to see the day's off to a rip-roaring start. - I'm not in the mood to be argued with this morning, Ted. - Rita, why don't you just sit down? Let Cheryl cook. It's a big day ahead, you know? Don't wanna... peak too early. - (SIGHS) God. People are shit at trying to be nice. - There you are, see? Wasn't so hard, was it? - Is this all the breed we've got? - In the freezer downstairs. And if you really wanna play this game, you can make me a bloody cup of tea. - Certainly, my love. - Sparky. Sparks? (OMINOUS MUSIC) - (KNOCK ON DOOR) - CHERYL: Eric! - (GROANS) - What? - Are you awake? - Well, I just said 'what', didn't I? - Check if there's bread in the freezer? - Yup. - Bring it upstairs! - I guess you're alive, then. - (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE) - I don't understand. About last night. I-I thought we were off, and then we rooted all night` - Phineas, I told you not to overthink it. - I can't help but think it, cos it happened. - Last night was all about grief. - Was it? - It was two people who needed each other reaching out in the moment. - SIGHS: OK. What about this morning? - The moment has gone, Phineas. We had it last night. And, yes, on some levels, it was a mistake, but on other levels, we needed it. - You really needed it. - Well, yes, but... so did you. - Well, what if I need it again today? - The moment is gone, Phin. It's time to move on with our lives. (BROODING MUSIC) - SIGHS: OK, let's get this thing done. It's no time for tears, Phineas. - Kind of is, Carol. - No. It's time for us to be strong... and save the tears for later. - Falani. - Mr Bert. - You get it done? - We got it done. That's good, but you know I'm watching you, right? - I can see you're watching me. - And if you step outta line, I'll be all over you. - I know that. - Cos I know what you Island boys are like ` here when the going's good and shooting through at the first sign of hard work. - I can assure you that your racist assumption does not apply to me. - Well, they'd better not, cos I'm still watchin' ya. (SOFT, ROMANTIC MUSIC) - This is weird. Going to a funeral of someone I've never met who sent a guy to shoot my boyfriend. - Did you just use the B-word? - Is that not right? - My Lord, I hope it is. In which case, this is like a very strange first actual date. (CHUCKLES) - # If I'da known you yesterday, # baby, if I'da known it would turn out today. # I was born to believe in a love with no ending, # and now I know your devotion's unbending. # You blow me away. # Yesterday, # baby, if you'da known I'da led you astray. # I was prone, I was weak, I'da been hell to live with. # Now I'm a nomad. I'm takin' you with me. # I'll take you away. - # (Away, away.) - # Does this throw you? # Does this bother you? # You're taking on a gamble, # knowin' how I ramble. # Girl, you lit the fire... - Where is Bilkey? - He's not comin'. - Like fuck he's not. - Well, he seemed pretty determined when I spoke to him last night. - Well, speak to him again. - Eh? - If we're all here for Rita, then we should all be here for Rita. - But that` - Don't argue, Lefty. Just go and do it. - (SIGHS) - (PLATE CLATTERS) # ...and will you follow? Will you follow? - Oh, hey. Here` Here, let me help` - I'm fine. I'm fine. # ...best of the worst you can handle. # And will you follow? # Will you follow? # Will you follow? - (TELEPHONE RINGS) (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (RINGING CONTINUES) It's nothing. SONG: # Tell me, tell me... # (CHORAL VERSION OF 'LITTLE LIES' BY FLEETWOOD MAC) (BIRDS TWEET) (KNOCK AT DOOR) (WOMAN WHISPERS) Hi. MAN: Hi. Morning. Great! It's nothing. SONG: # Tell me, tell me... # Yep, if you can just sign here for the...nothing. # Tell me lies Tell me sweet little lies # Tell me lies Tell me, tell me lies # Oh, no, no, you can't disguise... # KIDS: Homework. # Can't disguise No, you can't disguise # Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies # Tell me lies Tell me, tell me lies # Oh, no, no, you can't disguise... # (WHISPERS) Hi. Oh, I bet you're sick of Christmas. Nah, I love it. (GENTLE PIANO OUTRO) shack up with some gold-digger. Even worse, Ngaire. (BROODING MUSIC) - (BIRDS TWITTER) - I told you. I'm not comin'. - Yeah, well, that didn't exactly fly. Everyone's at Ted's waitin' for ya. - I am tired, Lefty. - Aren't we all? Too bad. - Tired of funerals. Been to more than my fair share. - What, on account of all the gay people dying? - On account of I've been to too many funerals. - So... Well, how many funerals is too many? - One, if it's the right person. - Rita made it very clear. We're all expected to show up. - And what Rita wants Rita gets. - Still works that way, I'm afraid. - Bloody woman. Come on. - Jesus Christ, Van, stand still for one bloody second! - I don't wanna go. - Who said you had a choice? We're doing this for Grandma. That's the bloody end of it. - Will Dad be there? - I don't know. Pink? For a funeral? - She refused to wear anything else. - Whatever. What are you smiling about? - (SCOFFS) I just love funerals. - CHERYL: Weirdo. Come on, let's get this over with. - NGAIRE: Ted? Ted. Ted, time to go. SIGHS: Do me up? - (ZIPPER WHIRRS) - It's OK, Ted. It's what she wants. So we owe her this much. - (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE) - Rita's in the bathroom. - I know. - CHERYL: Oh, for fuck's sake, Van! That's the only clean bloody shirt you've got. Why did you eat baked beans now? - Rita's in the bathroom. - Can I ask a question? - No, you're not dead. - No, so, if Bianca Figgs is an outlaw on the run, does that mean that Krystle will inherit all of Frankie's land and money? And does that mean that Billy's gonna inherit it from her? And, I mean, face it ` the life Krystle lives, she could be gone any second, so if Billy inherits it, does that mean that you...? O-Or does going to prison mean that won't happen? - All very good questions, Sparkster. - Yeah, so, do you reckon? Am I dead or am I not dead? I can see evidence both ways. - Sparky, you're not dead. - But how do you know? - Because you're standing here getting dressed, and we're talking. - Yeah, what if those are all things I can do when I'm dead? - Sparky, there's only one dead person today, and it's not you. - But how do you know? - Look, just go outside, in the sun, and if you don't burst into flames, then you're not dead. - I'm not a vampire. - Just` Just go. OK? (SIGHS) Want a hit? - Pass. - You OK? - Fucking Van managed to get food all over his shirt just by walking past the kitchen. Least manky other shirt will do. Bloody Rita and this bloody circus. - So, has Wolf shown up? - No. - And if he does? - I will probably kick him in the balls. - But will you tell him? About us? You know... - I'm thinking not, Eric. That work for you? - Yeah. Yup, I'd say so. (BROODING MUSIC) - (SIGHS) - (PILL BOTTLE RATTLES) - (BOTTLE THUDS) - (SWALLOWS) - (GLASS THUNKS) - (SIGHS HEAVILY) (INHALES DEEPLY) (EXHALES) - (DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH) - Your troops are assembled. - Then we should go. - Rita, we don't have to do this. - After all the shit that man has put us through? Don't you wanna dance on his grave? - I'll leave that to you. (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (BIRDS TWITTER) - All right. VOICE BREAKS: Let's get to this fuckin' funeral. Bilkey. - (CAR DOOR SLAMS, ENGINE STARTS) - Nice of you to make it. - Well, you know how much I love funerals. - Speaking of which, you wouldn't know where Frankie's after-match is being held, would ya? - Yeah, uh, West Auckland Business Association place, I believe. - I have a wee job for you. After. - All right. - We need to make a stop on the way. - (ENGINE RUMBLES, BIRDS TWITTER) (BROODING MUSIC) - Hiding here, is he? - Where else will he be? Got every other bugger to go to this thing. No way he's getting out of it just cos he's in a snit. - Hm. - Uh, you stay here. I'll drag him out by the balls if necessary. - Oh, I'm happy to help. - No, no. You stay here. (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (SIGHS) Call it a lesson in getting too big for your boots. Now get up. You've got a bloody funeral to get to. - Pass. - Nah. We're going as a tribe, to send a bloody message. - We won the war. - Too right we won the war. - At what cost? - No cost, from where I'm standing. I'm a mother. I defend my young. Always have done, always will do. - Not for much longer, though. - Which made it all the more important. So get the fuck over it, Wolf. - I don't want you to sacrifice your life for me. - My life, Wolf, was already sacrificed. I just changed the timing. (QUIET, GRIM MUSIC) - Somebody wanna fill me in on what the fuck you're talking about? - Figs drove into the water cos he was trying to get to the hospital to get the poison Mum fed him out of his system, but he couldn't drive because the freaky mushrooms meant he was off his nut. - You murdered Frankie Figgs. - I defended us. He died ` result. - And you didn't think to talk to me about it before you did this? - Well, you had a job to do. Plus, you would've tried to stop me. - Fuck yes, I would. - It's done, Ted. There's a funeral to prove it. And we're late, so come on. - What about this whole 'sacrificing your life' stuff? - I had to eat so he would eat. - You ate the same poison. - Months, weeks, days, Ted. WHISPERS: It makes no difference to me. I saved our son. - Get in the car. - (EXHALES SHAKILY) - What, you wanna go to this funeral? Then let's go to the funeral! You too. Get dressed. Get in the fuckin' car. (BROODING MUSIC) - (BIRDS TWITTER) - (ENGINE REVS) (ROCK MUSIC) A week later, a month later, you die. (FAINT ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS) - Is it OK if I state the obvious? - This is all Rita's idea, so where the hell is she? - Oh, heads up. What's Samoan for porker? - Gents. Eric. - Detective Solomona. - I have nothing to say to you. - I've got something to say to you. - Yeah, well, maybe I don't want to listen. - Maybe you'd be a dick. - Sorry. Sorry. Are we late? Peter made it very clear we shouldn't be late. - Rita's not here. - Oh, thank God. - Detective, you trying to talk to our client without him having a lawyer present? - Or lawyers. Plural. - Well, he's here, I'm here, I want to talk him. - Our client has nothing to say. - Mm, that's what I said. - But I just want to tell them that the prosecutor won't be going after jail time for the car theft. - Really? - Community service is the recommendation, apparently. - Well, that is good news. - We'll take that on board. Thank you, Detective. - (STAMMERS) I won't be going to jail? - Unless you want to go to jail? - No. But, you know, I thought as a criminal mastermind that I would be` - (CHUCKLES) You don't think anyone will believe that shit. Of course, if you want to tell me the whereabouts of Bianca Figgs` - Our client has nothing to say. - On anything. - Dodged the bullet there, son. Thank your lucky stars. - Or should I be thanking Keith or whatever his real name is? Worst undercover pig ever. - OK, moving away. (TENSE MUSIC) - You get lost? - Something like that. - Well, welcome to the world of 'fuck off' vibes. - Nice of you to join us. - Why does it feel like there's gonna be a fight? - Where the hell did you get to last night? - Nowhere. - I tried bringing your house. - I just rode around. The whole Mum thing is doing my head in. - I get that. I just wish you'd talk to me about it. - So we here to fight or what? - Wouldn't mind a fight, to be honest. - Is it wrong of me to say I'm a bit tingly at the idea the boys might start fighting? - You maggots are not welcome here. - We just want to pay our respects to your father. - After you killed him. Like fuck. He wouldn't have got wasted and driven if it hadn't been for what you did to Bianca. - Well, Krystle, if that's what you want to believe, that's fine with me. - It is. - But we're only here to acknowledge the thing that's been between our two families for years now. - And you're still not gonna get inside that church, you white trash scum. - Did Krystle just call us white trash scum? - I'm sorry you feel that way. And we're not here to fight, so we'll leave you to your service. But you, Frankie's mates and all his flash contacts in that church, you need to know that this is our world, not yours. And we're here to stay. Got it? Good girl. (TENSE MUSIC) - Fuck you, Frankie. Burn in hell. - What? - Billy here? - A kid at a funeral? Are you mental? No, he's with the nanny I've hired for him, using Daddy's money that I'm inheriting. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, can you tell him that I'm not going to prison? (SCOFFS LIGHTLY) For now. - That's a bit harsh. And if you think that you're getting a cent of my money just cos your jizz got me pregnant, you can suck a big fat dick. - I just want to make sure he grows up OK. - And that will have nothing to do with you now that I'm rich. - You're coming with us? - Of course. Where else would I be going? (UPBEAT ROCKY MUSIC) - I dunno. Probably get some better gear for the garage. Nothing too flash, maybe go to Bathurst for the Big Race. Get a Shelby 427. - (CHUCKLES) - What about you? What you gonna do with yours? - I want a shop ` men's clothing, then to travel to Europe every year to source the clothes. - Flash and, uh, really gay. - I am what I am. Phin? - Probably move out of my caravan at Ted's place ` buy something bigger. - A house? - I was thinking a bigger caravan, but, yeah, a house would do the trick. There we go. (CHUGGING ROCK MUSIC) - So, one of the biggest robberies in New Zealand history one day, stealing piss for a party the next. - At least no one can accuse us of being too big for our boots. (CHUGGING ROCK MUSIC) - I'd just like to thank Frankie Figgs for his fine donation to my wake. - Who's Frankie Figgs? - The rules of which is simple, even for a bunch like you lot, drink as much as possible speak about me as if I wasn't here. Bilkey, take the boxes out the back and burn them case we have visitors. - (CHATTER) - Cheer up, Ted. Isn't everyone's dream to be at their own wake? - (CHATTER) - Come with me. - Where? - We've got a job to do. - Another one? I thought we was retired. - OK, you two. Now listen to me. - What's a wake? - The opposite of a sleep, doofus. - J-Just listen, OK? I need you to not get under my feet today. I need you to go to your room and play or just do anything that doesn't get in the way of the grown-ups. Got it? Good boys. - Hide and seek? - OK. - You hide, I'll seek. - I know the best place to hide. - Bet you don't! Count of 100. One... 40. Ready or not, here I come! (TENSE MUSIC) (CHUGGING ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) - Sorry, love. Needs servicing. (GRUNTS) Oh, nothing to worry about, except the bastards at the so-called Trust trying to separate you from your money. Seriously, ladies, may as well be out there with the blokes, pissing it up a wall. - (SUCKS IN BREATH, EXHALES) - Sorry, young fella, adults only ` R18. Be gone. Go on, scoot. Scoot! Scoot! (FREEZER WHIRRS, MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS DULLY) Thank you. Much obliged. - You never say 'thank you, much obliged' when I passed the joint. - That's because you only ever pass it grudgingly after much bogarting. - We should raise a glass. - Dead man talking. - To the mother of Lost Boys. - And always remember, get the money up front. - Mum! - What? It's good advice. - She might grow up to be a rocket scientist for all you know. - (SCOFFS) - Mind you, that you think she has no other path but to be a hooker says a lot about what you really think about this family. - (SIGHS) Help me up. (GRUNTS QUIETLY) - Do you need to use the loo? - (SCOFFS) Scoot. Yeah, your mother's a bitch. Tell me something the rest of the world hasn't been telling me for years, but never, ever accuse me of not caring about my family. Everything I have ever done has been for this family, Wolf, and sorry if you don't fucking like the way I've done things, but you of all people should know the sacrifices that I have made. - And you don't have to is what I'm saying. - Well, it's done now, Wolf. And if you want to use that to hate me, then fine. But you have to look to the future now ` to Cheryl, for as long as that lasts. And your kids. It will haunt you to your grave, trust me. You just can't get rid of the little fuckers, no matter how hard you try. - I don't hate you. I don't want you to go. - I don't have a choice in that. So tough shit all round. (CLEARS THROAT, SNIFFLES) - (SNIFFLES) - Get me back to my chair again and e another drink. - Is Van here? - No. - Put it over there. - You fellas steal that? - Liberated it. - You remember we don't need the money, right? - Yeah, this isn't about the money. (SOMBRE MUSIC) - You all right there, Ted? - Not even close. Frankie Figgs came into our lives; we didn't invite him in. He just turned up, tried to push us out. Tried working with him. Shit, I sold my soul to sit in his fucking office, even after he tried to kill me. And he tried to kill my boy. Now with him we took... - Took what, mate? - (PANTS) He deserved to die. - You're trusting Carol with the sausage rolls? - (EXHALES) - (INHALES, EXHALES) You're trying to take us all with you, aren't you? - Carol's cooking's improved over the years - Oh, fuckety fuck-fuck! - Oh no. Oh God. Up a little bit higher there, Carol. - Oh no. Oh whoops. - And I'm happy to go on my own. - Why? The Rita I once knew would have been kicking and screaming at the idea of death. - Shit. Do you think we should tell Rita? - Um, I mean... Do you need a good salad? (TRAYS CLATTER) - I guess... when you know it's inevitable,... that there's nothing even I can do to stop it,... - Jethro, I told you... - ...kicking and screaming becomes pointless. So you do what you can with the time left... and learn to be happy with that. And I've done that. And I'm ready to go. (BASSY MUSIC REVERBERATES) Ngaire, are you crying? - No. Yes. Bugger it. (SOBS) - Over me? - Yes, you're a cow most of the time. But you've still been my best friend for years. And if I want to cry, it's my right, because I don't want you to die, you selfish twat! - I burnt the first lot, so Cheryl's taken over. - You can take them outside. The boys won't mind. (MEN SHOUT, LOUD BANGING) (THUD!) - (LAUGHTER) - (GRUNTS) - Dealing with shit the way that men deal with shit. - While beating the shit out of a machine. - You're onto it. - (GRUNTING, BANGING) For me, the machine was Frankie Figgs. But Bilkey, it's like the whole age thing. - Ah! That was actually quite healthy. - (SNORTS) - Can I have a turn? - Sure. Gents, we have a new player. - (MEN CHEER, LAUGH) - Here we go! (THUD!) - (GRUNTS LOUDLY) (SMASH!) - Yeah, go, babe! - You know it's you she's thinking about, right? - I like the way men deal with shit. - Oh! My turn. - You got Lefty a few good ones. - Oh, it was Rita I was thinking about. (METALLIC THUDDING) - Come on, mate! - Sorry, that was deeply insensitive. - Why Rita? - The way she's treating this like it's nothing. Like if she doesn't show any fear or anger or any fucking emotion, that somehow it makes it easier for the rest of us. - (BELLOWS) (THUD!) - (LAUGHTER) - I'm sorry. It must be worse for you, but it's driving me crazy. - Oh, it's OK. (THUD!) I understand, you know. I really do. And yes... it's driving me nuts too. (METALLIC THUDDING) - You are a saint, Ted West. - Around here? No chance of that. (CHUCKLES) (SMASH! MEN CHEER, LAUGH) - MAN: My turn! My turn! My turn! - (LAUGHTER) (BOTH GRUNT) - Hey, come on. - Hey, hey, boys. - Carol, is there a problem? - Yes, there is. A problem called you. Even when you were whacked out on coke, getting into fights with Russian hookers, that was nothing compared to this. - Carol, what are you on about? - I didn't believe it. And now that I've seen it with my own eyes, I still actually can't believe it. - Believe what? - That Rita was right ` that you're going after Ted. She's not even in the ground, Ngaire. Have you no shame? - (STAMMERS, CHUCKLES) When did you see me going after Ted? - Outside. - When I was comforting him because his wife is being a cunt? - What? - He is suffering, and she is so wrapped up in her great exit, she can't see it. - Well, yeah, but that still doesn't give you the right. - What right? - To make your move on him. - A-And this is what Rita thinks is happening, is it? - Ted was yours once. - Briefly. A long, long time ago. I take it she doesn't approve of this. - She asked me to do the job. - The job? - Of being Ted's next. I said no. So are you going after him or not? - Hmm. I guess it would be trading up from Lefty. (DOOR CLOSES) - I hate... all my clients! There's so many of them! (THUD!) (BELLOWS) (CRACK!) - Evening. Ted. - Detective Solomona. If only you had a warrant. I'd offer you a beer. - Oh, bless you, Ted. Hey, have you watched the news today on TV? - Been a bit busy. (LID POPS) Funerals and so forth. (GLASS SMASHES) - They really welcomed you there, didn't they (?) - Still a bit of water to flow under that bridge, I'd say. - We had circumstance around that whole thing. The guy went mental and shot up his place. - Yeah, well, his whole life was falling apart ` after his daughter brought shame on his good family name. (THUD! MEN CHEER) - I guess. And then there was this robbery last night. Real flash job. - Oh yeah? - I'm not even going to ask if you know anything about it. - Oh, see? You do know how things work around here. - Where it is, it was an Aussie crew. - Is that so? - You haven't heard anything about any Aussies on your turf? - You're assuming that I have turf. - Nothing? A threat to the business I could maybe help with? - Well, I'm a locksmith, Detective. Like you, I keep the bad guys out. - (CHUCKLES) I love you, Ted. I fuckin' love your whole family. Say my goodbyes to Rita. I hear she's not long for this world. - And now you've overstayed your welcome. - Oh... - I've been accused of being an over-stayer before, so... - (SNORTS) - Should I even be ask`? - No. According to our pig friend, the vault job was an Aussie crew. - (MEN EXCLAIM) - Typical Aussies, taking credit for everything us Kiwis do. - Well, in all fairness, Ted, you were the one that told me to spread the rumour it was an Aussie crew. - Oh, it still stings, bud. - Mm. - Underarm bastards. - Yeah. - (LAUGHS) - Van's missing. - Missing what? - Gone missing. Him and Jed were playing hide and seek. - Didn't we ban that after last time? - What can I say? They're your kids. - He said he had the bestest place to hide. - Have you looked up the chimney? So somewhere equally as stupid. - Somewhere he's been told not to. - And you're sure he's not up the chimney again? - I'll check outside. - You need some self respect, girl. Throwing yourself at every man under the sun. - Not every man. - No one respects a slut, is what I'm saying. - Get. - (ROCK MUSIC THUDS) - You all right now? Got over your little moment? - Oh, yes, Rita West. I'm on to your game now. Trying to control things from beyond the grave. - I'm not actually in the grave yet. - Carol... and Ted? Seriously? - (SIGHS) Better than certain other people getting their hooks into him, I thought. - He's a good man, is Ted. - Mm-hm. To a predator, yeah. - The thing is, Rita,... for all his faults ` and there are many ` I fucking love Lefty. He strays, sure. But who doesn't these days? Yeah, we always get back together. And don't tell them this, but... he still rocks my world. But the moment he dies ` and he will die before me ` Ted West is fair fucking game. - (SIGHS) Hey, love. - Can I borrow you for a second? - Hey, Rita. (DOOR SQUEAKS) - ALL SING: # For today... # I remember your smile. - # For today... MUFFLED: # I remember your smile. - # For today... # PHONE: Flow ` everything's flowing. When you can hit that flow, you basically become one. Challenge yourself to be better, to do it with more style and grace. (ENGINE RUMBLES IN BURSTS) That's what I aspire to. - I was thinking I might buy a bigger caravan. - Nah, I like this one. Just buy yourself a house instead. - Yeah. Yeah, OK. Yeah, I'll probably use the caravan when it's just me and the young people. - It is a peaceful place. - I can be such an idiot at times. - Oh, no way, Carol. What's the matter? - Oh, it's just, you know, I may have wound Ngaire up and set her loose. If she starts acting strange towards you, just ignore it. - Why would she do that? - No reason. - Is this the Rita thing? - Not important right now, Phineas. - What Rita thing? - She reckons Ngaire will get her hooks into you once she's gone. - Ted doesn't need to know this, Phineas. - Oh, I think Ted does need to know this. - She even suggested Carol, seeing as she's single, might want to do the job on you. - I said, know if that helps. - Excuse me. - Oh, dear, I feel terrible. - Nah, nah. He needed to know. - True. - I mean, if you do really feel terrible, there is one way that might help. - (GRUNTS) Stupid...machine...for taking... all... my... money! Ah! I won! I won, I won, I won! - Blondie, relax. He'll turn up when he's hungry. Boys always do. - Thanks, Rita (!) Real helpful (!) - (BOTH MOAN, GASP) - Oh, for God's sake. - BOTH: Shut the fucking door! - Wolfie! Pull up a doobie. - Have you guys seen Van down here? The stupidest place in the world to hide would be... (DARK MUSIC) - Holy shit. - Van, fucking speak to me. - Has he been in there the whole time?! - Don't just stand there, do something useful! Come on, buddy, speak to me. Speak to me. - This blanket smells of farts. - (SIGHS) - No, he's not up the bloody chimney. - Have you looked properly? He might have gone all the way up this time. - Just look for him, will you? - There he is. - He's OK. - Thank God. - Just mostly frozen. - I won, right? - I'll make him some cocoa. - Oh, wow. Aren't you the hero? - Rita. - Ted. - Come with me. - Do I have to? Yes, I do. (SIGHS) - The thing I don't get, Rita, is how you can bloody plan and scheme everything, yet somehow you still can't talk to me. - Is this about Figgs? - And Ngaire. And Carol. The whole fucking circus you've got going. - Yeah, right, right, so... you've learnt about that, then. Well, that is me, Ted, trying to save you from a fate worse than death is what? Excuse the choice of words. - Oh, stop. Just stop it. Why are you doing this? - Well, I was just about to explain, if you` - You're trying to organise my life for me. - Force of habit. And if it makes any difference, that whole thing was just a big fat mistake. - Well, it doesn't. - Well, it's your problem, not mine. - Why didn't you tell me about Figgs, about what you did? - (SIGHS) You were kind of busy, Ted. - (SCOFFS) - Providing. - Bullshit! - If I had told you about it, you would have got all macho on it and probably marched in there and got yourself killed in the process. Which is exactly what you did without telling me. - With the teensy difference that, hey, I'm already dying, so no great loss. (SIGHS) Time, Ted. You know, all we lost was some time. And not exactly what you'd call 'quality' time, either. - Every second that I get to spend with you is quality time. - (SCOFFS) Well, that is just... bloody soppy of you, Ted. - Yeah, well, it's how I feel. - What time? More time than I can just spend in pain? More time I can spend throwing up? That's not what I want you to remember when you think of me! - No, the Rita that I want to remember is the fighter. - You think that I'm not fighting this? (SCOFFS INCREDULOUSLY) I have been stashing these for ages, Ted, for the day that it gets too bad. And believe me, there have been days when the pain is so bad. All I can think about is how easy it would be ` a glass of brandy and a handful of these. But then I think about one more day. Waking up next to you. I've been fighting, Ted. Would you please believe me, I've been... fighting really hard. And the Figgs thing... Well, it was... It was my chance to do one last thing for this family, to go out knowing that... I'd done everything I could to keep my boys safe. And if I told you, you would have stopped me. - I would have tried. - Yeah. Exactly. - SOBS: I don't want you to go. - SOBS: Good. I don't want to go either, Ted. I want so much more time with you. But there is no more time. We've had our lot. And... they were great times, Ted. CHUCKLES: Even the shit ones. They were full of love and passion. We've lived a life, you and I. And now it's time for you to go on without me, but... (SOBS) I'd change it if I could, Ted. I would, but I... I can't. I'm so sorry. (SOBS) I can't. I can't. This is what I didn't want. This is so what I didn't want. - Yeah, too fuckin' bad. - (SOBS) (SIGHS) (MUFFLED CONVERSATION) We have a house... full of people. - Thanks to you. - No. It's thanks to you, Ted. Without you, you think they'd show up for me? - Yeah. They did. - (SOBS) (CHUCKLES) (MUFFLED LAUGHTER) Today's a good day, Ted. I could die happy on a day like today. - Well, please don't, eh. (SOBS) Not today. I just wanna wake up with you tomorrow. - Deal. (BREATHES SHAKILY) - (SIGHS) - Come on. (KNIGHTSHADE'S 'LAST NIGHT IN THE CITY' PLAYS) - # Last night in the city # All alone... # - Drink? - God yes. - OK for smokes? - You know, I think I might give up. - (CHUCKLES) - # Although you left me so long ago # The memory of you still remains - She was just lying there awake. Might just wanna join the party. - You know you're the last hope for this sorry bunch, right? - (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION, LAUGHTER) # Feeling colder every day # I'm leaving this old town # I won't ever settle down # Too many nights all alone # Well, since you left I've failed to be # a whole man, can you see? # I've just been crying in the rain (EPIC GUITAR SOLO) - Tell you what, girl. You've got your work cut out for ya. - # ...just pass me by. # They never stop and say hello. # I can't change it # And now I'll never be the same # I'm leavin' this old town # I won't ever settle down # Too many nights all alone # Well, since you left, I've failed to be # a whole man, can you see? # Just been crying in the rain # Leaving this old town # - (LAUGHTER) www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2020