www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 EERIE WHOOSHING, TINKLING DELICATE TINKLING MUSIC SOMBRE MUSIC $10 million for the missile chip. Not a plan - but the chip itself. Why the big price? My clients have requested it. I honour my clients' request. Sounds like your clients want to build a missile which can't be detected by radar. I don't ask questions, Mr Beaupre. But whoever possesses this chip could dominate the entire region. OMINOUS MUSIC MAN: Goodnight, George. Goodnight, Mr Cooper. METAL DETECTOR WHINES Jesus. He's clean. Here. Um, that's, er... (Clears throat) That's what you asked for. Air Force NSB-100, C series. CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS If that goes in a missile, air defences can't stop it. Er, look, I got a plane to catch. Where's my money? OMINOUS MUSIC BEAUPRE: Here. Hide it in the toy car. We'll slip it right past airport security. Let's go. TENSE MUSIC RHYTHMIC ROCK MUSIC MAN ON P.A.: Welcome to San Francisco International Airport. Please do not leave your bags unattended. ALARM SCREECHES Please remove your jewellery and place it here. My jewellery? Yes, ma'am. Step back. Alright. ALARM BEEPS Let's go. Ma'am, you'll have to wait, please. Thank you. Next, please. Thank you. Next, please. Thank you. Oh, my God. OMINOUS MUSIC MUSIC BECOMES INTREPID Move. Move! Young man! INTREPID MUSIC I checked the Dallas, Miami, New York and Denver lounges. Nothing. Bars, restaurants, club lounge - clean. When I was in the john, I didn't see anything in there. It has to be on a plane. OMINOUS MUSIC INTENSIFIES We are going to Chicago. In the winter. (Sighs) I packed tropical. Welcome to Chicago where it's a balmy 29 degrees outside. WOMAN: Welcome to Chicago. 'Bye now. Thank you. Welcome to Chicago. Bye-bye. Welcome to Chicago. (Gasps) Here you go, sir. Thanks. Mr Beaupre! Mr Unger, Mr Jernigan. Excuse me. Excuse me. Out of my way. Move! Did you check any bags, ma'am? No. Floor it. INTREPID MUSIC She's leaving. Wait! TINKLING CLICK BEEPING DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE That's him. Excuse me, Pop. Can I ask you something? What? You had a fare from the airport, around 1620 hours, January 8. Senior citizen. Female. Caucasian. What? About 4:30 today. Old broad. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You got an address on that? Well, North Devon Park. Washington Street. Describe the house, please. Well, big, old... ..er, Tudor-like place. Details. Christmas lights. Wreath on the door. Christmas tree at the end of the driveway. And the driveway was the only one on the block that wasn't shovelled. (Coughs) (Sighs) DOORBELL RINGS I'm all done, Mrs Hess. I'm exhausted and sweaty, but you can't see 'cause I'm covered up. You were supposed to deal with the snow promptly. Yes, but... 'Buts' are for ashtrays. I don't care for excuses. We had an understanding and you broke it. Your word is worthless. Sorry. That'll be no charge, Mrs Hess. So you can tell the neighbourhood I stiffed you on snow removal? Uh-uh. Oh? Is this a loaf of the famous San Francisco sourdough bread? This won't make a very tasty sandwich, will it? Some silly, inconsiderate boo-boo took my bag. I left my bread in San Francisco. Pardon me, Mrs Hess, but I think I'm almost, maybe, possibly, probably gonna be late for my dinner. Consider this your payment. I've no use for the silly thing. Thank you. And have your mother teach you that it's rude to scratch yourself in the presence of a lady. Goodnight, Alex. DOOR SHUTS Jeez. What a grouch. GENTLE PIANO MUSIC OMINOUS MUSIC They're all old. Most of them are Tudor. They all have wreaths and old Christmas trees. And the snow's all been shovelled. There are 14 houses. The toy car must be in one of them. We're going to have to search them all. We'll come back when it's light. We're gonna work houses in broad daylight? It's the suburbs, Mr Unger. Nobody's home during the day. SONG: # Whoa-whoa # You know, I'm almost grown Whoa-whoa # Yeah and I'm doin' alright in school, da-whoo-whoo # They ain't said I broke no rules Da-whoo-whoo # Ain't never been in Dutch Da-whoo-whoo # I don't problemise them much... # There you go, Speedie. # Don't bother me, leave me alone Da-whoo-whoo # Anyway, I'm almost grown # Da-whoo Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat # Da-doo-dee whoo-whoo # Da-doo-dee whoo-whoo # Da-doo-dee whoo-whoo... # HONKY-TONK PIANO CONTINUES TUNE Charlie, we went through this last year. I told you then, I'm telling you now - I can't work weekends. I've got three kids and a husband. Well, that's Mary-Lou. She has no life. It means nothing to her to work weekends, but I can't. My house is half-renovated, my kids have activities... They need to see their parents doing something other than running to the car. I can't really explain over the phone why we're excited about this product. MAN: But you'll be here Wednesday? I'll be in Cleveland on Wednesday. Yeah, Wednesday. We'll talk about it then. Face to face. Man to man. Yeah, man to man. BOPPY MUSIC SONG: # And when I'm anxious to ask this # I guess that's what it's like to be young # And when I'm anxious to ask this # I guess that's what it's like to be young... # FAST GUITAR PUNK SONG: # All I wanted was escape but what I got was # All I wanted was escape but what I got was... # (Parrot squawks) (Squawks) Your brother's bug. Your brother's bug. Careful. Careful! SQUELCH! (Squawks) Hmm. Bullseye. Three from downtown. And the crowd goes wild. SPRIGHTLY MUSIC MUSIC BECOMES SOMBRE Oh, man. I hope they're not... (Gasps) (Screams loudly) Alex slammed the toilet seat down on his thing again. Bullseye! MOM: Alex? What happened? I had nothing to do with this. I'm innocent. My kid slammed the toilet seat on his thing again. I'll call you back. Alright. Alex? Keep that in your mouth. Mmm. Chickenpox. Mom, this is a scam to get out of turning in his science project because his bug died. What?! His face doesn't look that bad. His body is covered. Would that include his buttock region? Shut up! This is great. If he scratches his chicken spots, we can call him Scarbutt. MOM: Leave. DAD: Goodbye. I'll go make you some soup. I'll bring the TV from the family room. Oh, I'm so sorry. Hey. Don't scratch. Keep that under your tongue. I'll be right back. Nice family... ..huh, Doris? (Doris squeaks) * SONG: # Up in the morning and out to school... # You should get going. See you, Dad. # American history and practical maths # You study 'em hard, hoping to pass # Rock, rock, rock-and-roll # The feeling is there, body and soul # Ring, ring goes the bell... # Mr Greenfield's $401,000 is invested in E4 fund. You have it listed in a mid-cap fund. That's where your $3,000 shortfall is. OK? We'll make it up next quarter? Bruce, can I just put you on hold one sec? Alex, I'm on with the office. HOLD BUTTON BEEPS So I think that what... BELL TINKLES I'm really sorry, Bruce. Can I call you back? Sure. DANCE MUSIC ON TV WOMAN: Breathe, two. Now hold. Gotcha! You rang? CHIRPY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC Thirsty? Thanks, Mom. WOMAN: Ah, here we are. (Southern accent) I do wish my husband could've been here. It's a cosy little place. (Gasps delightedly) Well, isn't this charming? And it's available immediately. OMINOUS MUSIC My boys are just gonna love it here. Yes, they will. OMINOUS MUSIC CHIRPY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC TV: ..plus special parrot-feeding tips, next on 'Pets on Parade'. (Squeaks) Look, Doris. OMINOUS MUSIC (Squeaks) If you think THAT was amusing, wait till you see what I do next. Oh, yeah. ..this is a very important piece... ..very... FUNKY TECHNO MUSIC Hmm? SONG: # Uh uh uh oh # It's there in the dark... # OMINOUS MUSIC BEEPING CLICKS BEEPS (Growls) (Barks) (Pants) Sit. I can't wait for next week. I hate dogs. Charlie, we've been over this. You know I can't come in. Alex is sick. Billings called. He's on his way in. Oh, God. You're kidding? No. How long is he in town? He's leaving Friday. (Sighs) We can't cancel. No, that's OK. Mary-Lou can handle it. Mary-Lou's not who he expects to see. You're the point person. No... You said you could handle this. I know. But my child wasn't sick then. There's no... It's not my fault you can't find a babysitter. One hour. I'll come in for one hour. That's it. If Alex beeps me, I'm gone. You can fire me if you want. And, Charlie, I just want you to know that you've made me choose between a house payment and my sick child and I really don't appreciate it. (Under breath) Jerk! OK. Did you tell Charlie that I'm desperately ill? Thank you, Alex. Yes, Charlie knows you're sick. What about the Family Leave Act? I just have to go in, pick up some stuff, sign some papers and show my face. I'll be gone an hour at the very most. I called Mrs Hess and told her you'd be alone... Mrs Hess knows I'll be alone? She said if anything comes up, she'll be right over. She wasn't happy about it, but... She'll get tanked up on iced tea, make me smoke cigarettes. Don't be ridiculous. What if there's a tornado? They don't happen in winter. Social unrest? I don't think so. Boredom? I hear it's deadly in old folks. Goodbye, sweetie. What about crooks? I don't think that's a problem during the day, honey. Why not? Nobody's home during the day. I'm only eight and I figured that out. Don't you think a grown-up crook could figure it out too? This is a very safe neighbourhood. There's only one road in and out of here. The doors will be locked. You have all my numbers. I'll be home as soon as I can. But, Mom... What about dragons, giant spiders, mummies, the living dead and other figments of my imagination? Alex... ..I can't help you there. Only you can control your imagination. That's a scary thought. OMINOUS TINKLING MUSIC BEEPING BEEPS CHIRPY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC (Barks) OMINOUS TINKLING MUSIC CHIRPY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC Hmm. That's weird. MUSIC REACHES OMINOUS CRESCENDO Oh, my God. OMINOUS MUSIC (Gasps) INTREPID MUSIC 20 seconds out. Clear. 911, Emergency. I saw a burglar. Are you by yourself? My mom had to run out for a while. I have chickenpox. Can I have your address, please? The guy isn't at my house. He's at the Stephans'. Their address is 3015 Washington Street. BEEPS SIRENS WAIL DOOR SLAMS Nothing. DELICATE TENSE MUSIC SIRENS WAIL There was a burglar in the Stephans' house! What? I saw him with my telescope. A woman with a dog, a grey van, a man running. I only recognised the dog. He looked just like Johnny's. So I called the police. You called the police? SIRENS WAIL BURGLAR ALARM WAILS Freeze! (Growls quizzically) (Whimpers) GENTLE ANTICLIMACTIC MUSIC The burglar alarm was on and working. There was no-one in the house. It doesn't appear that anything's been taken. I don't know what your boy saw, but... ..it wasn't a person in that house. (Sighs) I...I...I'm very sorry about this. My son's home with chickenpox and I ran to work to pick up some papers. I'm completely strapped. I don't normally do this. Son, false alarms are no joking matter. It wasn't false. There was a guy in the house. He had two lookouts and a driver in a grey van. He's...been running a fever. You might remind him that ours is serious business. Oh, he knows. We gave him a police set for Christmas - last Christmas - you know, a badge and a hat and a whistle. He took it very seriously. He went around the house, arresting relatives for crimes. Not real crimes - just leaving the toilet seat up, and snoring, and... Absolutely. I will, yes. Thank you. Thank you. DOWNHEARTED MUSIC Get in that bed, young man! Excuse me, I saw a man in Karen Stephan's bedroom. A white man, a little older than Dad. He was wearing butt-inspection gloves. I've warned you about that telescope. You look through it long enough, you'll start seeing things, whether or not they're there. Guess you have to be 35 before anyone listens to you. Don't get smart, Alex. Sick or not, I'm very angry with you. You've caused lots of trouble today. We have to replace the Stephans' door. You think we're happy about that? I saw what I saw. - It's not OK to punch a hole in the wall to show your family who's boss. - Or think you can demand their love and respect. * DRAMATIC MUSIC Petr Beaupre, Earl Unger, Burton Jernigan and Alice Ribbons. They were ticketed under known aliases but didn't board the Hong Kong flight. I believe they're still in the US, but beyond that... ..I don't know. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got to find that chip. TENSE MUSIC ALICE: What went wrong with the burglar alarm? Nothing, it wasn't the alarm. Then who called the police? Mr Jernigan, care to speculate? Cars came and went, the mailman came by. We could have a watcher on any house in any street. It could be anybody. I don't think it's just anybody. I think it's someone on our street. Someone we are not tracking. Someone we've missed. PLAYFUL MUSIC HORN BEEPS Dad, cab's here. Oh, shoot. Mom's not back yet. Well, alright. Mom had to take some documents to the bank. She can't be gone more than a few minutes. Mrs Hess is home. You'll be fine, OK? My beeper number's on speed dial on the telephone. Second button. Mom's on the first button. Right. Yeah. So you're OK? Positively. Give me a kiss. Alright. Dad. Alex, this is a very safe and secure neighbourhood. We have great police, as you learned yesterday. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, OK? Dad. Yeah? Got your tickets? Yep. Get your wallet? Yeah, it's in my pocket. Where's your pocket? Yeah. Thank you. 'Bye, Dad. TENSE, FUNKY MUSIC She's leaving. 3025 is all clear. Red sedan heading south. Turning right. Hold. DRAMATIC CHORDS FRANTIC DRAMATIC MUSIC BEEPER GOES OFF Oh! Hi. You are just in time... BEEPER GOES OFF ..Mr Pruitt. Wait. Wait, wait. Oh, no. DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES BEAUPRE: Yes. MUSIC INTENSIFIES TO CLIMAX SILENCE SIRENS WAIL DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC Abort, abort. Evacuate the area. I'm on my own. Let's go. Move, move! Cool. FRANTIC TENSE MUSIC Check the bathroom. (Children laugh and cheer) Nothing. Let's check upstairs. SOFT TENSE MUSIC So where's the burglar? There is no burglar. Just a kid home sick from school making false alarms. How embarrassing. Mm-hm. Son, this is the second time in two days that you've called the police. It's a very serious matter when a person calls the police. I saw a burglar yesterday and I saw a burglar today. Alex, listen to the Chief. There was no-one in that house. What about Johnny Alan's dog? I talked to Johnny last night. His dog was kidnapped on Monday morning. Did he see it happen? Alex, apologise to the Chief and go up to your room. Excuse me for being a good citizen. Alex! Uh, I'm very sorry. This will not happen again. Will it, honey? Really, I promise you. Well, we wouldn't want to discourage him from calling us in the event that something real ever does happen. DOWNHEARTED MUSIC (Parrot squawks) Loser. Shut up. Make me. Now you've pranked the cops twice, it's on your permanent record. For your whole life, if you call for help, it won't come. Dad missed his plane. He was late for a meeting with his boss. We have to fork over family cash to the Stephans and an evil octogenarian to have their doors repaired. And even worse. The world laughs, Alex. You've stained the family name. (Parrot laughs maniacally) First the Stephans, then Mrs Hess. I agree, Doris. The next stop is the Alcotts' house. What kind of burglar goes into a house and doesn't take anything? Do you know what I think? I think they're looking for something special. They're looking in everybody's house because they don't know who has it. The question is - what is it? GENTLE MAGICAL MUSIC If nobody's going to do anything about this, I'll just have to do it myself. DOG BARKS BRAKES SCREECH TENSE MUSIC I am so sorry. I'm clearly not awake. That's alright. Have a nice day. I'll try. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYFUL MUSIC STATIC DRAMATIC MUSIC TENSE FUNKY MUSIC Watch this, Doris. PLAYFUL MUSIC Hmm? Hmm. Look, Doris. (Squeaks) Boo. (Screeches) (Squeaks) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC I forgot about the stairs. SUSPENSEFUL PLAYFUL MUSIC MUSIC INTENSIFIES SILENCE Hmm. SUSPENSEFUL PLAYFUL MUSIC Got him, Doris. Got him. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You are so busted. DRAMATIC CHORD Aarggh! I have it. The toy car. It's videotaping me. Huh? What? Come back on that last message. FRANTIC MUSIC Arrggh! Ow! Ow! (Snarls) Come on, go, go, go, go! Don't spin! TENSE MUSIC MAN ON TV: You there! You was friendly. I don't have to kill you. MAN: You've got money doesn't belong to you. You back off. This ain't your business. SUSPENSEFUL PLAYFUL MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV PHONE RINGS (Snores) Brring! Brring! (Squawks) Hello. This is Karen. Hi. How's it going? Huh? Yeah, I'm running late for the office again. Hey, I think blue chips are overvalued. But Bollinger stocks will be good, Bollinger stocks. Listen, hon, I'm in the shower. Can I call you back? (Sings) # Bad, bad Leroy Brown # The baddest cat in the whole damn town # Badder than old King Kong # Meaner than a junkyard dog... # TENSE MUSIC Come on, come on. SEE YA! DRAMATIC MUSIC Oh! Arggh! Arggh! The car's outside. I've got a woman in the house. Get over here. Come on, get up! (Groans) (Gasps) Ow! Ooh! TENSE MUSIC * SUSPENSEFUL PLAYFUL MUSIC Jeez! Come on! (Tuts) Everybody's in a hurry. A video camera. Someone's onto us. You think it matters? Chip's in the car. We're at the airport in 45 minutes. Where's Alice? BANG! What happened? There's a woman inside. I'll go back in and deal with her. Get the chip. Hmm. FRANTIC ROCKABILLY MUSIC (Screams) Yes! I got it. Ma'am? May I have a word with you? Don't come in. I'm naked. What's on your mind, monkey-butt? Come on! Come on! What's that funky smell? I lost it! What?! Come on, go, go, go! It's out of range! I got it. DRAMATIC MUSIC Arggh! PLAYFUL MUSIC (Groans) I see it. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Look out. Aaagh! Huh? PLAYFUL, TRIUMPHANT MUSIC Turning in which direction? It got past me. It's heading south on Adams. But I'm right behind the little... BRAKES SCREECH It's off the street, going through backyards, heading west. Alice, what's your position? (Groans) Fourth house, moving to the alley. PLAYFUL DRAMATIC MUSIC I see it! It's going through the hedge. Jernigan, position? You're there! I got it! I got it! Arggh! Arggh! DRAMATIC MUSIC Unger, what's your position? Heading to Washington Street. I didn't copy. Where? I said, I'm heading to Waaaa... Stop, you nitwit. Stop! SUSPENSEFUL PLAYFUL MUSIC I don't see anything. MUSIC INTENSIFIES I'll look around. WHOOSH! I don't have it yet. We're out of time. Give it up. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC SILENCE They got the tape, why did they still chase the toy car? It's not that expensive. I'm sure they don't have enough time to play with it. TENSE MUSIC Whoa. Whoa! TENSE MUSIC INTENSIFIES Hmm. Look, Doris. A computer chip, huh? Where did you find it? In a remote-control car that I got for shovelling snow for Mrs Hess. She lives across the street. It says 'US Air Force' on it, but you need a magnifying glass to see it. Kid, a lot of toys have 'air force' written on them. This is a recruiting office, son. We don't handle matters like this. I'll give you the number on it. You call the right guys. (Sighs) Do you think we should tell Mom about the chip? Uh, I guess you're right. The less they know, the better. Those guys are bad news. TENSE FUNKY MUSIC I can't tell you how much I appreciate you hitting me with the mini-van. Never let your emotions get the best of you. You weren't paying attention. You should have been more vigilant. You should have taken driver's ed. It's a kid. It has to be a kid. I'll have bad knees when I'm old and I'll have Burton Jernigan to thank. The cops come twice. They don't believe the kid. He takes matters into his own hands. It can't be anything else. If that's the case, I say take no chances. Tomorrow, whack every kid in the neighbourhood. Burn 'em all. Then look for that stupid car. My thoughts keep turning to number 3026. It's within the operating radius of the toy car. It's on the sight lines of all the houses I've been in. MOBILE PHONE RINGS SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Hello. Do you have the missile chip? We are close. If I don't have the chip in 24 hours, Mr Beaupre, I will have no choice but to terminate the mission and nullify all the participants. You understand, don't you? Guys, Dad's home tomorrow night. I have my quarterly client meeting from noon till 5:00. You and Molly come straight home after school to stay with Alex until Dad's home. I can't. No way. I have gymnastics. I have hockey. Do I need to repeat myself? Didn't you put the bite on Mrs Hess to watch Alex? Yeah, she's a lot more responsible than us. Mrs Hess is a backup. Unless there's an emergency, I don't want to have to call her. I'm fine by myself. Well, there you have it. Settled. Alex, could you pass me the false alarms? Excuse me, I meant the peas. PHONE RINGS Ho ho. Hello? Oh, hi. Uh-huh. Yeah, he's been home with the chickenpox. Oh. Alex, do you know a Bradley Clovis? Yeah. This is his mother. Did you take a toy car from him? DRAMATIC MUSIC No, he has a remote-control car, but he got it from the woman across the street. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC We have it. Alex, what is the matter with you? You don't disconnect my calls. Don't talk to Mrs Clovis. Please! Why not? She's dangerous. Dangerous? Honey, what are you... It was lies! They're all lies. It wasn't her. What do you mean it wasn't her? MUSIC INTENSIFIES Call her back. I think you'll be surprised. Outgoing call. Rerouted. Hello. Clovises'. Hi, I beg your pardon. We were just... Oh, I'm sorry. Did I disconnect you, Karen? No, it was me. We're renovating. The phone lines are a mess. (Whispers) Oh! They intercepted our phone call. Listen, I didn't mean to accuse your son. I'm certain Bradley just...misplaced his toy car. Isn't that how they are? They lose something, they assume it's been stolen. Little boys do have wild imaginations, don't they? (Sighs) Yes, they do. DOWNHEARTED MUSIC (MUSIC PLAYS, INDISTINCT CHATTER) - (COUGHS) - Ooh, I think you just stopped summer. - I think I'm gonna sit this one out. * They're going to come back for me tomorrow, Doris. Nobody will listen. Not my parents or Molly or Stan or the police. Or the Air Force. Nobody. So what do I do? (Squeaks) If that means hide, you're wrong. (Squeaks) If that means fight, you're right. They'll understand when I'm done. They'll know I was telling the truth. I'm not going to cry or feel sad or scared. They're grown-ups and they're criminals. This is my neighbourhood and this is my house. No matter how old they are, no matter how big they are, they can't beat me here, they can't beat me at home. FUNKY PIANO MUSIC (Squawks) Oh! Want to buy a little silence? Double or nothing. (Squawks) (Snores) SONG: # Where are we going? # Are we going home again? # Going home again # Home, home Again, again # Where are we going? # Are we going home again? # Going home again # Home, home Again, again # Where are we going? # Going home again # Are we home again? Are we home again... # We're watching a major snowstorm that's bearing down on the Chicago land area. On the latest radar, the snow's increasing in intensity. Heavy snows in the forecast and residents are urged to stay indoors if possible. Approaching target. All clear. Here we go, Doris. HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE (Barks) Oh! No! Stop! First, we free the hostages. ALICE ON TWO-WAY: Switching on the fibre optics. DOORBELL CHIMES MOM: Alex, can you get the door? SHOWER RUNS HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE No answer. HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE Are we certain target has not left? Negative. We would have seen that. HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE (Whimpers, grumbles) (Dog whimpers) I repeat - there is no movement inside. Permission to enter? (Blows sharply) (Barks) (Screams) Doggie! No, no! Arrgghhh! (Continues screaming) (Barks) Alice? (Splutters) Right. Go home! Go home! (Barks) (Growls) RIP! TWO-WAY HISSES AND WHINES I need assistance. I'm exposed. Maintain your position. Do not - I repeat - do not draw attention to yourself. Pick her up. We'll move in after the storm hits. We'll let Mother Nature cover our tracks. Sir, this just came in from the Air Force. Some kid named Pruitt called the recruiting office in Chicago. Said he found a computer chip in a toy car. We're going to Chicago. Did you watch the weather for me? No problems. Your coat's over there. I want my brown one. Wait! Why don't you fill your cup with yummy hot coffee and I'll get your coat? Thanks, hon. I'll make you a sandwich. BOING! Here's your coat. Thanks. Oh, sweetheart, I am so sorry about this week. It breaks my heart to have to go like this. It shouldn't be this way. It's OK. It's not you. It's the times. Thanks, hon. You have your beeper? Yeah. Great. I'll call every half hour. I'll go online with you and keep the connection open all day. I'll have my laptop at all my meetings. We'll be in contact at all times. I have my cellular and you've got my fax number. We're wired. Mmmm! Oh, my gosh. Did Mrs Clovis call? Mm-hm. I was stopping by before I left to confirm Bradley's name wasn't on the remote-control car. She stopped by when you were in the shower. You let her have it? Big time. Hope she felt foolish. It was painful. OK. Be good, be safe. Keep an eye on the old place. I got it all covered. TENDER MUSIC Here we go, Doris. It's just you and me. (Squeaks) You mean there's someone else? RAUCOUS ROCK MUSIC Get ready to RUMBLE! Play ball! SONG: # This is my town # Watch your step if you come around # I don't think I know you # But maybe it's time to show you # This is my home I'll be standing here alone # And if you're ready to see hell # Come on in and ring the bell # Hello, Mr Hip Finally you got your hit # Coming from the nowhere Gliding across the clover # Hello, Lady Slick Did you pull another trick? # Beautiful makeover Make the perfect cover # Didn't you know things don't come easy? # So this is my town # Watch your step if you come around # And if you're ready to see hell... # (Squawks) Oh! The old switcheroo! Come on! Hey, it's show time! (Wolf-whistles) If those are real, I'm an eagle. # Perfect stranger Rearranger # I think we're in super danger... # Block the street. # This is my town # Watch your step if you come around # And if you're ready to see hell # Come on in and ring the bell # Ring the bell # You're it! Come on in, come on in! # Come on in, come on in! Come on! # Come on in! Come on in! Come on in! # Come on in, come on in! Come on! # PHONE RINGS Hello. Hi, Mrs Hess. It's Karen Pruitt. Could you possibly look in on Alex? I'm just going out. I'm at work. I'm really in a bind. Oh. Well...how long? Well, it wouldn't be for more than an hour or so. Alright. No cooking? "Call Mrs Hess. "Well, she's retired! "What else could she possibly be doing?" Babysitter! Would they invite me in for a holiday eggnog? Well, of course not! Look who woke up from her nap! Crooks at 30 yards and closing! Let the party begin! Good afternoon. My husband and I just moved into your neighbourhood. What do you want? A package was delivered but the driver got confused. Perhaps he brought it here. Nothing here. The delivery company said no-one answered the door and the driver left it in the garage. Sometimes they leave stuff at the back door. Why are you closing the door? I left my heart in San Francisco. Looks like that little rug rat has the place locked up tight. - Hey. - Summer's just... stopped. (AIR SQUEALS) Have you got your Bluetooth on? (DING!) No matter how you like your pizza, everyone loves Domino's $15 delivery deal. That's right - get any large Domino's pizza from just $15 delivered. Only at Domino's. * (Laughs) Jernigan, I think I'm going to enjoy this. It's been a long time since I was a kid. You forget how incredibly stupid they are. Oh, you be careful. Sometimes when kids get scared, they wet their pants. (Ululates) (Hollers) Oooooooooo! Whoa-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo! BULLETS EXPLODE Yeeeooooow! Ugh! Aaaarrrggggghhhhhh! Yaaaaaaaaa! Ah! Mr Unger? (Moans in relief) Oh! Awwww! Aw! (High-pitched voice) I'm alright. BOOM! Arrgh! THUD! CLATTER! (Growls) (Roars) (Shrieks) Ugh! (Groans) Mr Unger, what are you doing? Don't touch the yarn. It's wired. The kid's got the place booby-trapped. Make no assumptions. Watch the welcome mat. This boy is clever. Have you tried the door? Er...not yet. Let me point something out to you. Missed that. Stand clear. BOING! Maybe he's not so clever after all. I just think we're having an off day. (Gasps) (Gasps) (Both scream) A thought for you to consider. At airport security... ..make sure you have the right package. I certainly hope that you're not fond of that little boy across the street. (Protests) I'll leave this open. Fresh air will be good for you. Smart little brat! Unger, what's your status? Unger? Unger? SOFT RIPPING (Makes kung-fu battle yelps) MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC CREAKING Ooo-ooo-ooo! Ooo-OOO! Heads up! How did that happen? I don't know. Oh. CLANG! Ouch. (Both moan) You got hit with a book? Books. Plural. A trunk full of books. Then a set of weights. I got hit twice, you dumb broad. Excuse me, Mr Unger - I didn't get taken down by an infant! We didn't anticipate the defence the boy would mount. I'll go in the front. Mr Unger, you take the north side. Alice, you take the south side. Where is Mr Jernigan? (Shrieks) SONG: # Oh, the weather outside is frightful # But the fire is so delightful # And with simply no place to go # Let it snow, let it snow Let it snow... # WOMAN ON P.A.: Attention, travellers. All flights to Chicago continue to be delayed due to severe weather. Please stand by for further details. ELECTRIC DRILL WHINES TENSE MUSIC CRUNCH! Ow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow! (Grunts) Hi. (Gasps) Aaaarrggghhh! You can run but you can't hide, junior. Surprise! (Sprays) Ugh! What a loser. Oooh-oooh-oooh! (Groans) Ah! Errr! (Gags) (Coughs) SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC I got him! (Growls) Arrgggghhhhh! (Gurgles grotesquely) (Groans) Ohh! (Gasps) (Cackles evilly) POWER TOOLS WHINE CRYING (Cocks gun) You are dead, kid. Ugh! BANG! (Moans) (Gasps) Now things are looking up! (Gasps) Gotcha! See ya! Arrrrrgggghhhhhhh! TOILET FLUSHES Ergh! Yuck! Domino's $5 pizzas are incredible value. Seven awesome recipes, all made with fresh dough, vine-ripened tomato sauce and topped with stretchier, tastier mozzarella. Try our $5 pizzas today at Domino's. Ergh! Yuck! * Ah, steady. ALICE: Well, well, well. Nice try, kid. (Shrieks) TWO-WAY WHISTLES FARTING CRUNCH! DETERMINED MUSIC Aaarrggghhh! THUD! (Screams) SMASH! Alice? Yaaaaaaaaaaa! (Shrieks) GUNSHOTS I'm coming down! SNAP! Arrghhh! PEACEFUL MUSIC Mr Jernigan! Mr Unger! Welcome. You got a haircut? CLUNKING Are you almost done in there? Don't start with me. I'll wait. PHONE RINGS PHONE CONTINUES TO RING JERNIGAN: Let's move. ALICE: Oh, what stinks? UNGER: Shut up. Hello. MOM: Honey, you're out of breath. Is something wrong? No, no, everything's fine. (Sighs) I'm so worried. The weather is terrible. I'm coming home now. No. Take your time. Really. Don't come home, Mom. Why don't you get Stan and Molly from school? Are you sure? Yeah. I'm playing Chinese checkers with Mrs Hess. You're not smoking, are you? Mom, I've got to go. Mrs Hess gets nutty when she waits. OK. Play fair. Always. The brave little fellow. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Mr Jernigan. Living room clear. Good. Mmm. Nothing in the kitchen. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Let's go in nice and slow, Mr Unger. Mr Jernigan, follow me. Slowly. (Whispers) Go, Doris. MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC Ah! ALICE: Mr Unger, go left. Come round. I'll cover the stairs. I'm coming for you, shorty! Coming to pay you back for the misery you caused me. What are you doing?! The kid's in the closet. I'm scaring him a little, just before I grab him. DOOR LOCK CLICKS And behind door number 1... DRAMATIC MUSIC Towels. I saw this door close. Idiot. Would I make it up? Why? What's the point? Are we working on commission here? Phew! (Sneezes) SIREN WAILS Sergeant. We'll go left. SIREN WAILS BELL RINGS GIRL: I'll call you, OK? GIRL: Alright. 'Bye. What's going on? You're Mrs Pruitt from Washington Street? Yes. Agent Stuckey, FBI. I came to talk to your son. You called the Air Force about a computer chip in a remote-control car? No. Oh, God. It's Alex. It's my other son. Why? What's happened? He may be in danger. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC He's not here. He's at home. Well, let's move. Why is he in danger? She asked you a question, sir. I'm not at liberty to discuss it, son. DRAMATIC MUSIC The 'it' you're referring to is my little brother. We think he intercepted a top-secret electronic device stolen from a Defense Department contractor by a group of international criminals working for a North Korean terrorist organisation. Mr Jernigan. EXCITING MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC SHOWER RUNS (Woman's voice singing in bathroom) ALEX: Go, Doris, go. (Squeaks) (Woman's voice sings) # Yeah, yeah, lovely lady # Rolling slowly # Through the sky. # Sorry, Charlie. This just ain't your day. AIR COMPRESSOR SQUEAKS CHIMP CHATTERS (Laughs) ALICE: Shut up. (Doris squeaks) (Screams) What? Don't move. Alice? Don't...move. Alice?! What?! Alice? Shh! Shh! Shh! Alice?! (Yells continuous high-pitched musical note) Excellent. PARROT: Run, shorty, run. Shoo! Come on, Doris. The kid! Doris, come on! (Squeaks) I've got you now, you little rat. I've got him. I've got him. Ugh. No. Arggh! (Groans in frustration) You...smacked my winkie. Well, if you changed your shorts, maybe you wouldn't have RATS in your pants. Come here, you little rug rat. (Grunts) Where is he? Stay here, Doris. (Squeaks) Yikes. Come! ROBOT CREAKS ROBOT: Fire. UNGER: He's been watching us. Oh! He had a camera on us. You're not gonna find me up there, you big, dumb, law-breaking knuckleheads. ALL: He's outside. Recognise this? How did he get outside? The same way you'll get outside. How? Jump! Arggh! Go! Don't push. You're jumping onto a trampoline. I presume that you won't be joining us. I'll cover you from here. Go! How comforting. Hurry. He's getting away. Now, this is a snap. This is a snap. Go! (Both scream) Arggh! Huh?! (Gasps) Whoa! (Squeals) (Men gasp and groan) (Squeals) Arggh! Arggh! (Screams) (Screams) * ROBOT: Fire. Of course. Here I come, you little brat. (Screams) Ouch. Mrs Hess! Mrs Hess. Mrs Hess. You're OK. I'm here now. GENTLE MUSIC WIND HOWLS OMINOUS MUSIC BEAUPRE: Well... (Gasps) ..it's Alex, isn't it? Today you learned something. There is a price to be paid for being a good citizen. In your zeal to aid your neighbour, you finally stepped into one of my traps. (Speaks foreign language) Can Mrs Hess go inside? She's very old and very cold. Please? OMINOUS MUSIC Give me the chip. It doesn't belong to you. It's not yours. The chip, son. Give me the chip. That doesn't belong to you either. What?! That's not your gun. THIS is your gun. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Yah! Oh! Got you. Here. Sit down, Mrs Hess. Thank you, Alex. These are times that call for soup. Any favourites? No, thank you. I'm fine. You know, Mrs Hess, it's really cold outside. You're a pretty tough old bird. And you're a very sweet young man. I just never took the time to notice. You're not alone in that. POWERFUL MUSIC SIRENS WAIL Wow. Johnson, Williams, go round back. Freeze! You got to be kidding. SUBDUED MUSIC Come on. Move it. Move it. Alex. Mom! TRIUMPHANT MUSIC Oh. Mom, you're hugging and kissing me in front of the cops. Oh, Alex. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't listen to you. This is very cool. Bud, you're a hero. AGENT STUCKEY: Are you Alex? Yeah. Agent Stuckey, FBI. Here's the chip. There's a senior citizen across the street who needs soup and a doctor to look at her feet. There's two guys in our pool and a woman in our basement. The other one's gone. This him? Yep. Seven years I've been after this guy. He always manages to slip away. Thanks, son. COMICAL MUSIC It's just the three, sir. Where's your boss? Get them out of here. Yes, sir. Let's go, popsicle. Come on. (Screeches softly) (Screeches) (Squawks) Lucy, I'm home. What's on your mind, monkey-butt? (Sings) # Bad, bad Leroy Brown... # Shh! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Houston, we have a problem. Counting down in five, four, three, two... Take it. Double or nothing. I only have one. We have ignition. SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC It's show time! FIRECRACKERS POP AND WHISTLE GENTLE MUSIC I'll be there in a minute. OK. 'Bye. Driver, it's the Tudor place with the Christmas lights, in the driveway that's not shovelled. Huh? That one right there. Oh. (Workman hammers) Have you ever had the chickenpox? I had the chickenpox when Herbert Hoover was in the White House. Hello. Hello, stranger. Dad! Hey, buddy. Come here. Let me see you. You don't look any worse for the wear. They couldn't touch me. The computer company that owned the chip is giving Alex a reward. It's a six-figure sum, which is extremely cool. (Giggles) So did you bring me anything? As a matter of fact, I did. Come here. ROCK MUSIC You think you can drive that? I think we can handle it. (Parrot screeches) Gentlemen, start your engines. 360. 360. LAUGHTER Rat overboard. Say cheese. SONG: # This is my town # Watch your step if you come around # I don't think I know you # But maybe it's time to show you # This is my home # I'll be standing here alone