BABBLE OF VOICES Keep your hands off me! I'll be with you in a moment. Don't walk away. I can't feel my arm. Just a minute. Doctor, I can't feel my arm. I can't feel your arm right now, either. Can somebody feel his arm? (Whistles) Don't touch my hair! Kiss the boo-boo, kiss the boo-boo. You're still here? Yeah. Can you believe it? Save me some coffee, you savage. It's down here and here and it's going up my arm... This guy's for Zance. Quick, quick, quick. Let's go! What's the problem? Gunshot wound. We've been paging you for five minutes. You on California time already? I was working on my tan in radiology. Pulse 120. Get this guy typed and crossed. OK, OK. Question. Beverly Hills, beautiful women, plastic surgery - what do these things have in common? Me, in less than a week. Don't worry about his shoulder ` this guy's probably bleeding internally. Call Dr Stodder, tell him to prep for O.R. 'cause I'm out of here tonight. No way I'll miss this when I'm at the Halberstrom Clinic. No way I'll miss this when I'm at the Halberstrom Clinic. You're going to the Halberstrom? No way I'll miss this when I'm Cosmetic surgery for the rich. I'm not in it for money. Partners get half a million. High profit stuff just lets us help the needier patients. You're a saint. Got another customer over there. I'll cover it. Going-away present. What's the problem? Too much fun. Substance unknown. OK. Stay with us. What did you take, man? Bluebirds, dillies, loveboats? I heard Halberstrom mightn't hire anyone this year. Well, I'm not anyone. Mulready, the guys are having a bash for me tonight. If you're interested in it... Not in this lifetime. (People groan) Clean up! Thanks. What about dinner, guys? At least think about it. It's my last night. Couple of lousy beers? Guys... I'll send you a postcard. What? At the risk of sounding schmaltzy, you're a schmuck and I hope I never see you again. PAGER BEEPS PAGER BEEPS Thanks, Tommy. That was a tough speech. You're a good doctor, Ben. I thought you'd want to practise real medicine. You think I'm making a mistake going to Halberstrom? Nah. Cosmetic surgery is clean, you make tons of money, nobody dies. What's wrong with that, right? Right. 'Bye, Ben. SONG: # I am the one and only # Oh, yeah # Call me. Call me by my name # Call me by my number # Put me through it # I'll still be doing it the way I do it # And yet you try to make me forget # Who I really am # Don't tell me I know best # I'm not the same as all the rest # I am the one and only # Nobody I'd rather be # I am the one and only # You can't take that away from me # I've been a player in the crowd scene # A flicker on the big screen # My soul embraces # One more in a million faces # High hopes and aspirations... # Oh, come on. # Ideas above my station maybe # But all this time # I tried to walk with dignity and pride # I am the one and only # Nobody I'd rather be # I am the one and only # You can't take that away from me... # Whoa, look out! Go back! Ha-ha! # ..without some compromises # Because you'll find out that we come... # (Men argue) All right, all right, can I just ask you where am I now? # You are the one and only you... # HORN HONKS # I am the one and only # Nobody I'd rather be # I am the one and only... # (Talk together) (Whistles) (Fiddles with radio) (Screams) (Screams) Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, God. I'm OK, I'm OK. Shit. Accident. Woman in the middle of the road with a cow! All right. I'm OK. Oh, man, my car. The whole front end's shot! Am I glad you're here. (Pants) Is that a '56 or '57 Speedster? '56. Hey, come on, get out! Out of the car! Get away. Took me three weeks to build that fence. Look, I'm sorry. Super 90 engine or a 1600? It wasn't really anybody's fault. My insurance company will pay for the fence, OK? Won't be the same. This ain't a kit car? No, it ain't. It isn't. My name is Ben Stone. I'm a medical doctor, I'm a surgeon. Hey, awesome! Who trashed the fence? I'll give you my clinic's address. Did he say he's been stoned? He's from LA. Send me a bill there. I'm not from LA I'm just going there. You're lucky I was passing through. What's in the trunk - pot? Oh, man. I'm a surgeon... Will you get away? Get away from the car! Sorry. Not you, the dog. The finest fence I'll ever put up. I know a Willy Stone in Stanton. Relative? I understand what you're trying to do... ..and I won't put up with any small town bullshit. Where's the dang engine?!! Whoa! Don't touch this car. You don't even know where the engine is. Got you. (Both laugh) Look, I'm sorry about what happened but it was an accident, OK? It was nobody's fault. Get me to a telephone. I'll call a Porsche mechanic in the next city and be on my way and you can keep doing... whatever you do. Huh? All right, I flattened the damn fence! What you going to do - lock me up?! Court finds the defendant guilty of crimes under motor vehicle code 453-19 - reckless driving - and 466-2 - reckless endangerment. This is insane. No, this is Grady. Your Honour, there were cows in the road. My insurance company will pay for a new fence. GAVEL BANGS I built that fence myself. Neither you nor your insurance can pay me for that. Next best thing would be a fence YOU built. These hands are delicate instruments. I doubt you could build one therefore since you're a licensed physician and we're a town in acute shortage of medical care... Oh, you wouldn't! ..your sentence will be 16 hours of community service served as resident doctor at Grady Memorial Hospital. I have to be in Los Angeles by Tuesday so I don't... 32 hours. This is extortion. You want 64 hours? No. Court is adjourned. All rise. I am so fucked. Watch your language, Doc. You're in the buckle of the Bible Belt. Try saying 'fudge' or something. 'Fiddlesticks' too strong? Depends. Don't worry about your automobile. I always wanted an excuse to buy some metric tools. Shi... Sugar. THUNDER RUMBLES (Curses) Shit! THUNDER CRASHES Hey. I'm Dr Benjamin Stone... Nurse Packer. I'm assuming Judge Evans told you... Fine. Here's what I need. Comfortable bed, hot shower, warm meal, locker, general idea... Could you show me some kind of identification? I'm wearing glasses there. I wear contacts now. My hair's a little shorter. That's a moustache. It's a bad picture. If you could direct me to the physician on call... "When to call me. You've been stabbed, shot, poisoned, "separated from an appendage, knocked or beaten unconscious, "run over by a tractor or about to bleed to death. leave me alone." Signed Dr Aurelius Edsel Hogue, MD. I'm in 'The Twilight Zone'. Zwieback and Vitamin C in here if you're hungry. Wait a minute. This is the best you can do? No. AGHH! Oh, good, you're awake. Welcome to Grady. I'm Mayor Nicholson. The second I heard there's a big city doctor here I left that rehearsal to see if I could help. We can do better than this. Better than this? Say, these your duffles? I'm not claiming that Grady's no Paris, France, but we got two gas stations. Got us cable TV and a new tennis court at the high school. You doctors play golf though. I surf, actually. Isn't this purty? We had it fixed up for a doctor we got through the 'want' ads. Mayor Nicholson. Yeah? I'm on my way to California. I'm not staying here. No, of course not! Well...maybe not. You give ol' Grady a chance, she might just sneak up on you. I'll get the light. Surprise! Welcoming committee! I hope you're hungry! Evenin', ladies. Ben Stone, this is Miss Violet, Miss Lillian and Miss Maddie. Ladies, this here is Ben Stone, MD. Fried chicken, boiled peanuts and sweet potato pie. Catfish, biscuits, butter beans and watermelon. 'Hungry Man' dinner. I'm a bad cook. I'll just say adieu and come chauffeur you tomorrow. Wait, wait, wait, come on! You're not going to leave me with them? It's getting late. Don't worry. Only one's horny. I'm not telling you which one. (Laughs) Your face! Want a cocktail? The high-profile high-profit work makes it possible for me to do more important reconstructive surgery for needier patients. And get a big house on the beach. (Laughs drunkenly) It's hard to believe. A handsome man like Dr Stone should be married. Maybe he ain't found his Adam's rib. Maybe he ain't found his Adam's rib. Maybe he indulges in a love that daren't speak its name. Lillian! (Croaks) Will I go blind? It's moonshine, right? Ouzo, actually. We took a cruise to Greece. Not me. I wasn't invited. It was one of those Golden Agers tours. Sunset Tour, Vi, honey. They ate the brains out of a goat. Not me. We ate dog. I didn't eat no dog. You don't know that you didn't. Huh! Now, Dr Stone. There's a legend about friendship quilts. Now, Dr Stone. There's a legend about friendship quilts. That's bunk! Folks say that the first person to sleep under a friendship quilt will meet the one they're going to marry. DREAM about them, and it's bunk. What a fine hand he has. Dr Stone. Dr Stone! (Voice fades) Dr Stone. (Grunts) (Groans) Oh, God. Ow! Ow! (Pants) (Belches loudly) Oh, God. Hello. H...Hi. Good morning. Is something wrong? Uh, no, no. Um...I'm a doctor. Yeah, I know who you are. Oh, hey, I'm sorry. Do you want this? If you're a doctor, I don't have anything you haven't seen before. You can blink now. All the boys from the state legislature come here to do their recreating. Presidents come here during the fishing season. On purpose? (Laughs) Lookin' at this, Ben boy, you must be thinking, "I have come to Grady at the most beautiful time of year." But these dogwoods, azaleas, when they're bloomin', they can't hold a candle to the nuclear explosion of colour come fall. Nick, you're the mayor, you have the authority to commute my sentence. Could you do that? I'll make it worth your while. Why on earth would I want to do that? I can't convince you to stay if you're not here. We need a doctor. You need patients. Get off the interstate, Ben Stone. Hey, hey? (Laughs weakly) Don't let the signs of prosperity in downtown scare you. We're still the same sleepy paradise that many city shrinks recommend for their patients. It's the calmin' effect of Grady's natural ozones. There's a world-class mental hospital just up the road. There's a world-class mental hospital just up the road. That's a comforting thought. There's a world-class mental hospital just up the road. If you don't we won't go in here. Is that him? That's him. He's young, huh? Come on. BELL JINGLES Boys, this is Ben Stone, the Hollywood physician who's spending a few days with us. Ben, this here's Mortimer, John, Aubrey - probably don't wanna shake his hand. Salty in the corner. You remember Cotton, Miss Lillian. Hollywood. Lala land. Beverly Hills, actually. Whatever. Well, William's been a movie star. Aubrey, it was just an army training film. Aubrey, it was just an army training film. You played the leading role. It was about VD. I was the bacterium. Had a big scene with penicillin. Yes. A death scene. This will stop your worries, Doctor. Or start 'em. What do you think of our town? I haven't seen all of it. Yeah, you have. Opportunity abounds here. Growth rate was up .3% last year. There's no crime. We are the county seat. Fellas, no point beating a dead horse to death. That's all in the brochure. Ben Stone, we're prepared to offer you a permanent position as medical practitioner supreme here in the greater Grady metropolitan area and squash capital of the south. Salary's $27,000 per annum and plus housing. $27,000? You see, Nick, I told you. All right. $30,000. Look, you people don't even know me. Look, you people don't even know me. I noticed right off that he double knots his shoelaces. Oh, excellent credentials. Shows he's careful. Anyway, don't you already have a doctor? We got Hogue, but he's... Old. Old and wholly unpleasant. He won't be around for ever. $35,000? That'd take a unanimous vote of the city council. All in favour say 'aye'. ALL: Aye. Unanimous. I abstained. Unanimous. I abstained. You always abstain. Look, I appreciate your problem... but I'm not the answer. I've got a big job interview and it's important I get there in the next two days. Plastic surgery, you know? They could pay me 20 times what you could afford. There are similarities between Grady and Los Angeles. There are similarities between Grady and Los Angeles. They're just bigger is all. What do I owe you? Ten bucks. For coffee and toast? Gotcha. Why don't you make up your mind after the squash festival? All I'm saying is give Grady a chance. I bet you'll like it. Yeah, well, nice meeting you...all. Thanks. * Howdy, Nurse Packer... You can change in the doctor's lounge. I'll have Lou show you around. This is your timecard. TIMECARD CLICKS You've got to be kidding. (Sighs) Local call? I don't know anybody local. Payphone's in the waiting room. Yeah, it's...no it's... It's a collect call from Doctor Benjamin Stone. Stone. DOOR OPENS Do you mind, this is... ..a personal call. I guess so. (Voice on phone speaks) Ah, yeah, hi. This is Dr Stone. Actually, that's why I'm calling. I won't be able to make it on Tuesday. I just... There was a... ..a medical emergency and... ..they don't have a doctor so I volunteered my services. I'll need to stay until the situation stabilises. Yeah, medically speaking. You're interviewing other doctors? Friday. OK, Friday. I can do that. Thank YOU very much. Thank Dr H... That was better tap-dancing than I've seen on 'Star Search'. If you tell me you're here for a physical you'll make my day. It's unprofessional to flirt with the patients. I'm just on my way to Beverly Hills. Oh. Plastic surgery. Not that you need any. Nice try. Is this the 'GQ' look for young urban doctors? Well, I've spent the last two years doing 18-hour days in the ER. These are pretty comfortable. You don't like 'em? No. OK, fine. Well, I enjoyed our time together here but since you're not a patient and I'm...not getting anywhere where can I find a guy named Lou - drives an ambulance. I'm Lou. Where did all these people come from? Folks hear there's a doctor on duty, they come running. Any old doctor. Send them in. OK, Mr...Tidwell. What...the hell have you got on your foot? That's a poultice. Nurse Packer! I spoke to Doc Hogue on the CB and he said to do that. You did this on purpose? Yes, sir. Chimney soot, flour and lard. Doc Hogue said... Wipe that crap off Mr Tidwell's foot, please, and clean that wound out. Are you allergic to penicillin? Are you allergic to penicillin? You'd have to ask Doc Hogue. I doubt he knows it's been discovered. (Gasps) I'll wash this with Betadine, close it with a butterfly, give it a sterile dressing. Should you be doing that so darn fast? I hope so, Mr Tidwell, because je suis finis. All right. OK, Mrs Owens, if you could get up on the table and put your feet in the stirrups. We're just here about our mail. It's from my sister. We don't read. Has this ever happened before, Mr McClary? Has this ever happened before, Mr McClary? Yes, it happens, son. This ain't nearly the biggest one I ever took. I had a hook in my thigh once. It must've been... Oh, 'scuse me. Fishing's a dangerous business. Well, it can be. "After the cow died, there just wasn't any reason for him to go on. "Meanwhile, Ellen's got herself mixed up with a Pakistani gentleman "who nobody can understand what he is saying. Not even Ellen." I don't see any toxic striations... Red streaks. You're sure it was a black widow? Here, I kept it, in some T.P. Oh, dear Lord, it's escaped. Get it! Here it goes! Step on it! "She thinks Ray's having an affair with the pastor's wife, "but Ray swears it's just scrub oak rash." (Laughs) Oh, Ray is a nut. I'm telling you. It's like a blurred spot in my vision. There, no, there, no...THERE! I'm cured. "The pastor's wife got busted for growing marijuana out behind the rectory. "So she'll be spending a spell up at Tupelo minimum security prison." That's it? What about Ellen and the Pakistani? (Whistles cheerfully) TIMECARD DINGS Ah... Nurse Packer! Where's Doc Hogue? The boy can't breathe and he's turning blue! I'm the doctor here. Nurse Packer, you gotta call Doc Hogue. Please! It's all right, I'm a doctor. How long's he been like this? All afternoon. What's his name? Zeb. Zeb, this could be cold. I just want to hear your heart. Does your tummy hurt? Take him to the examination room. I'll be right there. You know where that is? Right there. Have Zeb get up on the table. Call Hogue. Get him down here. He doesn't like being disturbed... I don't care. Forget Hogue. What's the referral hospital? Athens General. Call them. Tell them it's a possible cardiac emergency. Have Lou fire up the ambulance. Forget it - tell them to send a helicopter. And get this boy's medical history. I'd better call Doctor Hogue. Damn it! Hogue is not here! I'm here! You do it! OK, here's the situation. He's blue because he has an abnormal mitral valve causing a backflow of blood at his heart. We may have to operate at Athens General. Dr Hogue says give the boy a Coke. What? He says it's probably belly-ache. Jesus. Listen, Doctor, I've got a boy in cardiac crisis. You can't treat that with Coke. We need real medicine this time. You're his regular fucking doctor! Get your fat ass here and go with him! How long will that chopper take? Should be here soon. CAR HORN Where's Stone? Dr Hogue? What kind of snotnosed puppy doctor are you? Waking me up, scaring these poor folks... Mitral valve regurge. Huh? I've had a lot of experience. I've assisted in surgery to correct. I guess you overlooked his problem. Why don't you check his colour? Get that crap off the boy! Gene, you gave him the bismuth subnitrate? We thought it was... You gave him too much, as usual. You've turned him three shades of blue. Bismuth subnitrate? Home-grown antacid. You hear a heart murmur? No. Hard to detect... You been sampling your daddy's chaw? Uh-huh. (Makes exasperated sound) That'll be 65 cents. Well, nice work, Hollywood. You almost cracked open the chest of a six-year-old boy to cure a case of diarrhoea. Listen up, smart ass. Next time I tell you how to treat my patient, you better do it... ..Doctor. I doubt you'd know crap from Crisco. * Hey. Guten abend, Herr Doktor. Ah...yeah. Right. Shittttttttt! Ah, wait, wait. Hold your horses, Doc. What if I walked in in the middle of a hernia operation, see some poor gentleman's guts everywhere? You killed my car. I resent that. That car was my life, Melvin, my baby! You want me to stop now? I could box it up, ship it to Hollywood. Ein Pumpengehause. WE call it an oil pump casing. He learnt two years of German in high school. Es ist kaput. Doc, let's step into my office. I don't need a car. I'm moving to Los Angeles. Lash yourself to the mast, Doc. This fellow in Oregon has an oil pump he can send us. $239 bucks plus shipping. Only one problem. Oregon exploded. (Laughs) No. He don't take credit. Uh-huh? Or cheques. And tomorrow bein' Saturday, you can't wire cash. OK, Melvin, let me ask you this. How do you propose I pay for this? I was hopin' you'd pay me then I'd trade him for a '68 Nova front rocker assembly. But... You don't take credit or cheques. No, sir. I apologise. How long will this guy wait? I could stall him till Sunday noon. He's got another taker in Arizona. But I was first. Stall him. Hi, Doc. Hi, Doc! Morning, Doc. Morning, Dr Stone. Howdy, y'all. Dr Stone? Dr Stone, I presume? Yeah, that's right. Hi. Hi. You're taller than they said. I'm...uh...sitting on a stool. Oh. And you are...? Dying to get out of this town. How about you? Here's your breakfast. I haven't ordered yet. Compliments of the house. Don't let Hogue scare you off. We know you weren't aiming to kill that boy. You're not planning on staying in Grady? You're not planning on staying in Grady? Only as long as I have to. Thank God! I thought they'd hooked you too. You don't like Grady? No. So how come you don't leave? With you? Is that a proposition, Doctor? I'd better eat this before it gets cold. Excuse me, Miss. Thanks, Lillian. Prosser on torts. Civil procedure. A little light reading? Did I invite you to sit down? You were going to. Southern hospitality an' all. Now what? Now let's talk about you. OK. I like my privacy and I'm a vegetarian. I'd appreciate it if you'd take that slab of ham away with you. I didn't order this slab. I see, now you'll say something cute to stall your retreat. Maybe talk about the big city, all the things I'm missing and how you'd like to take me out of it. Isn't that why you're studying law, so you can get out of this dinky little town? I'm not going yet. I plan to practise in Grady. Yeah, looks like a hotbed of illegal activity. Well, malpractice for a visiting young surgeon seems promising. Who's the green apple? Henry, this is Ben Stone. Hey. Oh, yeah, new croaker. Hank Gordon. You're in my chair. Boyfriend? Friend friend. Need any life insurance? What? You should invest in a term life program. Probably a quarter of a mill. to start. Come by my office. Or are you too chicken? Dr Stone, I read that doctors have the highest suicide rate in any profession except for dentistry. Is that true? I won't underwrite dentists. Never trust a man who'll put his hand in your mouth. I'd love to hear where this conversation's headed but if you'll all excuse me. There's something else I wanted to ask. Do doctors know more about sex than normal people? I need some ketchup. I have a fair knowledge of animal husbandry. It's much the same. 'Bye, Doctor. 'Bye. Women trouble, Ben Stone? No. Go ahead. The Grady squash. Looks like a yellow zucchini. No. Up until 1933, you had your Grady, you had your zucchini going at it, gourd to gourd. Freak tornado wiped out an entire shipment of Gradys bound for agricultural stardom, I personally believe, at the Chicago World's Fair. Zucchini took there. Never relented. If it'd gone the other way, no telling where Grady'd be today. What are you talking about? Timing. Same thing with women. And with southern women, they require substantial commitment. You might have to stay here six months. Are you a betting man? I've been known on occasion. It'll take me about a week. Wait a minute. You mean Viloula in the centre pocket? Ten bucks. Ten? OK, you got it. It feels like I'm fleecing you, Ben Stone. Easy. Hello, Nurse Packer. TIMECARD DINGS All right, let's get something straight right now, OK? I've got eight years of higher education. I've got internship, one year of residency. I'm $70,000 in debt. Now, I'm waylaid in this hee-haw hell and you clock me in and out like a factory worker! Well, no! N-O! This is where I draw the line! I believe you have a visitor, Doctor. Doc, my foot feels so good, I brought you this pig. OK. I can't abide being in no man's debt. This pig's all I got to give. Hank, I'm already paid, more or less, by the hospital. I really can't accept your pig. It's a done deal. She's your pig, now. God bless you both. Keep your animal outside. This IS a hospital. CLANG Nice pig, Doc. Thank you. Lovely pig, Doctor. Thank you very much. Nice pig, Doc. Nice pig. Thank you all very much. Ben Stone! I just took away your last reason to go to California. Mossville Drum and Bugle Corps. They played in the Rose Parade. Nick, Nick... Exclusive contract to the... Nick, I'm not staying. Sure you are. By the way, dinner at my house tomorrow night, 6pm. Dinner? Didn't I tell you? You're guest of honour. If my head wasn't attached I'd be wood screws. Nice pig, Doc. Thanks. Can I bring a date? I don't know. Can you? This is Ben Stone you're talking to. Come on, pig. Fine pig, Doc. Melvin. Melvin. LOUD MUSIC Melvin? Hey, we're just rehearsing for the pageant. We're doing a pollination rap song. Melvin, listen, I don't have the money for the oil pumpkin... hauser...thing. When I say I haven't got the money, that's not entirely true. I'm good for the money. It's just a matter of accessing the money. Can we work something out, please? This car's gotta be ready by the time I leave. That your pig? Yeah. You want to trade the pig for the part? If you can part with the pig. Good. Good. * Hi. Hi. You just picked those? Yes, ma'am. They're protected by law. State flowers. Figures. Well, I'm already serving time for the fence. I'll take my chances. CHILD: Mama! Mama, who is it? Who are you? I'm...ah...Ben. Emma, take these inside and put them in some water. You're not supposed to pick these. Use the plastic pitcher. Yeah, she's mine. She's four. Want to retreat now? No, no, I... No, actually, I just came by because, um, I need a date for dinner tomorrow night. Nick Nicholson? Yeah, how'd you know? Can't poop in this town without everyone knowing. I was fixing to have a cocktail. Are you in a hurry? Oh, man, that's tart. It's called a Slow Comfortable Screw Up Against A Wall. With a twist. That a Grady specialty? No, New York City. New York? Yeah, I worked at one of those weirdo theme bars. Wayne and I studied in New York. Then he dropped out, I got pregnant, he couldn't get work, so I bartended. I managed to finish school, though. Wayne isn't still... Wayne is a professional dancer. You know, one of those exotic Chippendale things? He's in Boston, Miami... I can't keep track. He left me after Emma was born. I divorced him and ran back here. Wayne has this extremely high opinion of his legs. I can't picture you in the big city. New York. It's like me... In Grady? Yeah. Well, peel an onion and there's lots of layers. What layer is Hank on? Henry Gordon's sweet on me. He's pretty decent and solid once you get past the insurance rebel without a clause routine. Decent and solid. Very romantic. I can see you coming from half a mile away, Dr Stone. You and your slick city ways. Your version of romance is whatever will separate me from my panties. Hey, look, all I'm talking about is dinner. In public. Wear a dress. Panties are optional. Well, I never have had dinner at the mayor's house. Oh boy. After all, how could I possibly refuse the man who saved Jasmine from the butcher? What? What are you talking about? Tidwell's pig. He was about to turn her into pork chops until you fixed his foot. Emma loves pigs. Is she at your house? Lane! Where's Melvin?! I want my pig back! STATIC Did you say he went to church? STATIC Lane, come out here, because I can't understand you! STATIC The pig...to the butcher. Melvin took my pig to the butcher? STATIC Ah, where's my pig? You know Jasmine, my pig? Is she alive? Oh, yes. Thank God, thank God. I want her back. Back? Fair enough. You take plastic? Not unless it's wrapped in cash. All right, let's trade. No, I ain't been sick in three years, Doc. But I got an idea. Where did you learn to carve? You're pretty good with a knife. Yo! Hey, Maddie. You guys are pig-sitting for me tonight? Whoa! Who are you? Don't tease me. You look like Lou, but much prettier. I'm warning you - I could whup you. Be a good girl. OK, 'bye. Be a good girl. We'll be late. Not too much TV for her. She's a real pig about that. Hi! Come on in! Welcome! You look fantastic! And you look handsome too. My daddy's in the backyard with the barbecue. You're Nick's daughter? I hope so! I'm in his will. Hey, y'all, look who's here. Hello, Lou. Hello, Stone. Check Hollywood for knives. I don't want him operating on me in case I sneeze or something. Isn't this gonna be fun? No, thank you, I'm a vegetarian. I know, dear, but I'm still hopeful. So am I...uh, vegetarian. Oh, since when? Have some of this squash, Ben - fresh from the earth. Don't be shy. I don't trust a man who doesn't eat meat. Don't be so provincial. Where's your sense of adventure? Vegetarians probably get better insurance rates than smokers though, for example. On account of that low cholesterol factor. Daddy, please...new subject. We wanna hear all about California. I hear the women out there have their chests enlarged, their thighs vacuumed and barf on purpose. Not while people are eating. Yeah, tell us about real doctoring. You know, big city medicine. So much has changed in the 40 years since you were at medical school. Where do I start? (Nick wheezes) Smart ass. (Laughing) Got you good! More squash, Ben? No. I mean, no, thank you. (Slurring) "Out of the cradle... endlessly rocking "Out of the mockingbird's throat "The music...et cetera... Out of the..." Is this one of the long ones? No. "Long ones"? Doc does the complete Walt Whitman if you don't monitor his drinking. "Down from this hallowed halo, "Up...from the mystical play of shadows..." NIGHT CREATURES CHIRRUP I haven't seen this many stars in a long time. I used to get so bored here I'd try to count 'em. I could have gone to med school. Just the science part I had a problem with. I'd lie on my back, sometimes with Wayne doing the wild thing - it was hard to keep my place. God, that's romantic! Then we moved to Manhattan. Could hardly see any stars let alone count them. I'd like to see two-legged stars. Earthquake insurance is something I'm keen to take a whack at out there in LA. Talk about your no-brainer - collect premiums for a gazillion years. Then if the big one ever does hit, declare bankruptcy and retire. Decent and solid. Nobody's perfect. Hank, you gotta take Hogue home! He's about to launch into 'Song of Myself'! My Lord! I'll call you later - make sure you got home OK. Goodnight. Goodnight. (Gasps with exertion) (Knocks at door) (Hits head) Oww! Shit! I forgot my pig. She's sleeping with them. I'll drop her off in the morning. Greek death - take the edge off. Take the edge off what? Me. You...uh...ran all the way over here. Oh, yeah. I ran and walked. (Pants) Got a stitch in my side. Why are you courting me if you're only leaving in a few days? I don't know. It's like it's some kind of... mystical force. Hmm. Force, or hormones? (Chuckles) Hey, come on. All I want to do is talk. Oh. And get you sloppy drunk. Honesty - that's a new approach. I know. You're forcing me into uncharted territory here. Hell, I might even try chastity. It seems to work for Hank. PHONE RINGS Speak of the devil. Well, listen, uh... maybe a raincheck? PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Mmm. I never should've accepted those flowers. (Sighs) What...what about tomorrow night? Mmm - desperation. I like this. PHONE CONTINUES RINGING Still, I wouldn't want the mayor to have to lose $10 over me, you know. DOOR CLOSES DOOR CLOSES 1 (Grunts) Morning. Funny. Funny. Mornin', Doc! Nice pig you got there. (Mutters) Yeah, that's what they tell me. Hey, Mr McClary - be careful you don't hook your finger again. Don't worry, Doc. We're not usin' hooks today. It's all right. He's a nice pig, Doc. It's a she, actually. (Grunts) Whoa! Whoa! OK. Relax, will you? You know, house calls are my favourite part of the job. Just driving into the country, seeing what pops up around the next bend... ..rainbows... ..frost on the kudzu... John Muir said it. Most people are on the world, not in it. What? Nothing. What?! (Chuckles) Listen, you'd better let me handle this one alone, all right? Obstetrical exam. OK. Sure. "So Jimmy Joe went to the Pakistani's house with a shotgun." Excuse me. Jimmy Joe is Ellen's brother? No, no. Her boyfriend. Oh. I stumped on that one too. "And he stayed outside, shooting holes in the fella's foreign car "until Ellen came out and agreed to come back home with him." "It's the most romantic thing Jimmy Joe's ever done." (Whistles) Tough one. How's Ellen making out with the Pakistani man? Get him! Get him! C'mon, Bubba! I said...I said...no shots! Aaah! Oww! Now, sit up, Bruce. (Baby cries) OK. This won't hurt. Well, I don't see an infection. But... OK. Hold still. Ah! What is that, a V8? He did it! House calls used to be an essential part of every doctor's practice. You got to know your patients by seeing where and how they lived. Maybe when I get to Halberstrom's, I'll get them to institute a visitation program - literally outpatient work. literally outpatient work. Dammit! Lou! Lou! Can you see another one? They mark their way with these. They're too stupid or too drunk to remember where they were. Who? Hunters. Maybe this is the end of the... Yeah. See? There it is. That's where they sit and wait for the slaughter. They don't do it for food, either. God, it gets me so hot! Want to help me here? (Chuckles) Uh...what are you doing? I'm urinating. You just drop trou whenever you feel like it? It scares the deer away so the hunters won't get 'em. Why don't you just... say boo or something? I spread it around. A little here, a little there... Feel free to join in. Anyway, I didn't plan to be pregnant at 19, but it could've been worse than Wayne. Wendall Barnes. You'd be interested in him. He comes from a whole family that doesn't have sweat glands. Really? I'm fascinated by the glandless. I guess it's genetic. During the summer, they all sleep under the house because of the heat. That's touching. Really. Thanks for sharing that. You don't see a lot in Grady, but what you do see, you see lots of. I'm from a small town myself. What? Marianville, Indiana. Population 2,106. Home of the world's largest steam engine. But you've been telling everybody you're from... No, no, no. Everybody assumed I was a big-city guy. Nobody asked. Anyway, I got out and I'm staying out. Still got your whole family there? Well, they talked about leaving, but my dad never quite... They lived there, they died there, for better or for worse. So, when I left home, I swore I'd never go back. It's not the place. It's the person. Be careful what you wish for, Ben Stone. You might get it. What's that supposed to mean? Never been back, not even to see your friends? Never been back, not even to see your friends? Well, who's got time for friends? RADIO: Lou, get Dr Stone back here ASAP. We got a possible coronary emergency. Can't Doc Hogue handle this? It IS Hogue. Over. Hey, lie down. I'm doomed. Lie down now. You're having a heart attack. It's just my angina. Got any nitro pills? Get us some lidocaine. I'm the senior sawbones around here, Stone! PVCs are too close to your T-waves. Another 30 seconds, you'll be in trouble. Get away from me! If I'm wrong, lidocaine won't hurt. If you're wrong, that's ventricular fib. I'm never wrong. Shit! Get the defibrillator on him. "Never wrong"! 200 watts. Clear. CLEAR! Heartbeat? LOU: 50. You mean he actually has one? Keep him on oxygen and set the lidocaine drip. Guess I'm staying here tonight. Oh, Doctor... I've got your bed ready. (Tiredly) Right. Sleep well, Doctor. ..at which point all the bees, including Melvin, lunged off the edge of the stage. There was a standing ovation. 'Variations on a Theme' - sorry I missed it. That's the first squash pageant I've missed in 15 years. What's going on here? What's going on here? It's called moral support for the recovering patient. Cherry cobbler, Ben? Everybody out. Let's go. (All protest) Visiting hours are over. Oh, don't mind Doc Hollywood. He doesn't know what it means to be beloved. He doesn't know what it means to be beloved. So long, Doc. If you've come to clean the room, my bedpan's ripe. Oh, no! Not Maddie's sweet-potato pie! You can razz me all you want, Doc. I saved your life last night. You know it and I know it. Gotcha. MARCHING BAND PLAYS 'DIXIELAND' MARCHERS PLAY SQUASH KAZOOS WOMAN: Hi, there. How you doin'? SQUASH QUEEN: Hello! Hello! SQUASH MEN: Ho-ho! Ho-ho! PARADE MUSIC DIES AWAY ROMANTIC MUSIC WOMAN: Halberstrom Clinic. WOMAN: Halberstrom Clinic. Dr Halberstrom, please. Ben Stone calling. He's in consultation. What is this regarding? It's regarding... I won't be able to make my interview on Friday. The doctor has a very tight schedule. I realise that, but I won't be able to leave without... (Speaks) (Sighs) Right. I... Is there any way he can reschedule the appointment for another time? (Speaks) All right. Thanks a lot. (Hangs up phone) * (Children call out happily) HOEDOWN MUSIC BARKER: Here you go. Get hot, take a shot! What's the object of this, pal? 10 shots - $1. Five bullseye, win a possum. Supposin' I hit five out of five? Then you get two possums. (Fires rapidly) BELLS RING Sir, run Henry a tab. He feels deadly today. Evening, Dr Stone. BLUEGRASS MUSIC (Scratches record rap-style) Hey, Doc! (Speaks German) The new one's in. Your chariot's good as new. Well, good as new, used, since it's old. Well, good as new, used, since it's old. You fixed my car?! Even oiled the ashtray. Even oiled the ashtray. Oh, man, I can't believe this. Melvin, thanks, man. BOX RATTLES There's always some extra parts when I put 'em back together. I don't know why. But you go on and keep 'em. Dance with me or I'm dog food! What? Wendell Barnes. Of the glandless Barneses? Uh-huh. Jesus. Yeah. SQUARE-DANCING MUSIC STARTS Come on. Absolutely. Ooh! See the trick is... (Fires) BELL RINGS ..just visualise the target on the backs of your eyeballs and then pretend you're shooting yourself in the eye. (Fires) BELL RINGS What's wrong? I can't keep up. (All applaud) How's Hogue? Meaner than ever. SLOW MUSIC STARTS PLAYING Dance? Where's Hank? I forget. SONG: # Crazy # I'm crazy for feelin' so lonely # I'm crazy # Crazy for feelin' so blue # I knew you'd love me as long as you wanted # And then someday you'd leave me for somebody new # Worry # Why do I let myself worry? # Wondering what in the world did I do # Oh, crazy # For thinking that my love could hold you # I'm crazy for trying and crazy for crying # And I'm crazy for loving you. # MUSIC STOPS The music stopped. What music? Dr Stone! I have a present for you. Thanks, Judge. Thank you for saving my old friend Hogue's miserable life. That said, I wouldn't be able to call myself Christian without giving you a full pardon on the remainder of your sentence. You're free to go. What I wouldn't give to be a young man, footloose and fancy-free! I've already got plans for a new fence. I've got a bug in my ear for one of those solid oak numbers. HANK: Hey! Victory! Kill that critter all by yourself, Hank? Very funny. Ha-ha. Don't you have urgent business thousands of miles away, Doc-tor? Viloula! Your daughter dumped grasshoppers in the punch again. Shake a leg with the judicial branch? Why, I'd love to. Thank you! You hold this possum, Emma. It's time I reacquainted your ma with some real dancin'. No, offence, Hollywood. When you gonna bring your pig back round? Hey, Ben Stone! How are you? Been looking for you. What a great day. Boy, this is it - the pinnacle of existence, the grandeur of Grady. Couldn't be happier if I was twins. You put on a helluva festival, Mayor. Aren't you nice to say so? Ben, let's talk turkey - or squash, as it were. About what? Home. Heart. Happiness. You belong here, Ben Stone. Breaks my heart to think of you out there in the land of lunatics. Danged if I'll let you go without holding up a mirror to your face. See that smile of contentment there? That's a face that's liked and loved. A face with friends and a future. Trying to find another way to force me to stay? Trying to find another way to force me to stay? Ben! I'm everything but devious. Mayor Nicholson, could you check these ribs and tell me if they're done? I sure can. Rigours of the job. Why, you got your fire way too high. I do? We're gonna burn them! Well, don't do THAT. BOYS: Look! Come on! Hi, Doc. Howdy. Hi, Doc. Howdy. Gentlemen. LAUGHTER PIANO AND ACCORDION ACCOMPANIMENT PLAYS Hup! Look out! Be careful with those things. CAR HORN HONKS Hey. I shouldn't do this because you're leaving day after tomorrow, but I don't care. I can't help it. So get in. Do you mean what I think you...? Just get in. BEN: Lou, to be honest with you, rowing a boat isn't what I had in mind. Not bad, huh? Incredible. SPLASHING SOUND What was that? Freshwater mullet. They think the sparks from the sky rockets are food and jump for it. Well, that's scary. Maybe I could...sit next to you and you could protect me. No. You'll throw us off-balance. I want you off-balance. FISH SPLASHES THUMPING SOUND Ahh! He's in the boat! Get him! Kill him! Watch it! You'll tip us over! Get it, Lou. OK. I got it. You did that on purpose. All right. I admit it. I worked my way through college by training bass. I worked my way through college by training bass. (Chuckles) Lou... It's OK. Listen, if you don't want to... Ben, I don't think I've ever wanted anything more in my entire life, ever. I'm just not used to being a one-night stand. You don't have to be. You could... No. I wouldn't know what to do with myself in Los Angeles. Too many choices. Let's not think about it, OK? I can't do this. Mind walking from here? Don't want to give the gossips more fat to chew. All right. Don't worry, Benjamin. It'll all work out. Yeah. Hey, Jasmine. (Jasmine grunts) Hey, Hank. You've made me...real mad. About what? What do you think? I know you were out on that lake with her. Makes me sick to think of you... and her... Nothing happened. Oh, right! NOTHING happened! LOUD CRASH Come on, tough guy! Come on, country boy - take a shot at me! What are you doin'? Come on, country boy - let's go! Are you paranoid or something? No. But I'm a little confused. S'pose you and her will be gettin' married now. What? It's the southern way. Man and woman as one. Make sacrifices to build equity and a future that has security. Why do you sound like an ad? Fine, joke it up! At least I was prepared to marry her. She's not in love with you, Hank. OK. That's the only roadblock, though. Let me ask you something. Don't you think a guy's entitled to choose his own destiny? You know, whether it's in a small town or California. He shouldn't have it handed to him. Not like it's a... you know, like... A hat? Right. OK, good. Like a hat. Your father wore it, your grandfather wore it, and now you're stuck with it... only it's too small. It just doesn't fit. I hate a tight hat. There's a lot of hats out there, Hankster. And even if this one...fits... and I'm not saying that it DOES - just hypothetically - how do you know it's the right one when you haven't tried any others on?! I sure haven't. I mean, that's what I'm talking about. I just don't want to screw up her life. You know, Hollywood, sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. And maybe... maybe it's in California. Yeah, maybe you're right. Yep. I'm glad we got that cleaned up. Me too, Hank. Don't that take the rag off the bush? Don't forget what I told you. * CRASH! Hey! Hey! Please! Shit! Shit! SHIT! (Pants) Dr Stone! Mary! Thought I'd drop by, see how you're doin'. No damn good. Waters broke. I hurt! This ain't like the others. No, they never are. Mary, did Doc Hogue say this baby might be coming out the wrong way? (Pants) He's comin'! He don't care which way! (Moans) Ah...fiddlesticks. Don't push, Mary. I can run...get an ambulance. No, there's no time. There are clean shirts in my duffle bag. Rip them into even pieces. All right. Listen, Mary, don't push. I know you want to, but don't. I'll try to turn him the right way. Is it these ones? Aremanna? Armani! Armani. Those are the ones. (Laughs unconvincingly) (Pants) OK, now! NOW! (Screams) That's good. Great! (Moans) Great. OK. OK. Now, GO! Push! (Screams) Push, Mary! You're doin' great! You're doin' great. (Strains) I got a leg. I got a leg! (Pants) OK, don't push. (Screams) OK, all right. Go ahead! (Strains noisily) Someone's comin'! What?! Doc! Someone's comin'! Go ahead! (Screams) OK, all right. Here we go! Push! Push, Mary! Great! SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Great. OK, push! (Screams) Doc! Your car... What do I do? (Screams) OK! (Screams) Oh, good girl! What do I do?! Push, Mary! (Shrieks) (Shrieks) AGGHH! It's a girl! (Screams) (Baby cries) (Laughs) (Baby continues crying) I think I can fix that. HOGUE: Stone! Shit. KNOCK AT DOOR You rang? First breech you ever delivered? First baby I ever delivered. By myself. Whisky? No, thanks. In fact, I wouldn't recommend it for you either. You're not my doctor and you're not my wife so you don't have much to say about it. So, you're not fixin' to stay, huh, Stone? Changed your mind, huh? Now that your car's all busted to bupkus and you're feeling pretty good about yourself in general, huh? Come here. I added them up once. Over 700 babies I delivered in this town over the years. Nurse Packer. She popped right out complete with teeth and hair and bit me. An omen. Nicholson. Hank. Yeah, I gave them birth, saw them through every sneeze and sniffle. And sometimes even walked them to their grave sites. This is pretty well my portfolio, Stone. That, an old car, an old house. I wouldn't trade any of 'em for gold. Well, maybe gold. Or cash money. (Knocks on door) (Knocks on door) Hey. Doc! Hey, Mary. How's our girl? We decided she's gonna be Benjamina, after you. What? Thank you. There's an obstetrician coming up from Athens General later today to make sure everything's OK. Benjamina. (Laughs) Yo, Doc? I wanted to just thank you for, you know, everything, so I made you this in appreciation. I know it ain't very much, so if there's ever anything I can do for you... Just let me know what happens with Ellen, Jimmy Joe and the Pakistani. I heard what happened last night. You did great. Didn't know what the hell I was doing. Didn't know what the hell I was doing. Sometimes that's the best way. Ben, there's something I wanted to say. There's something I wanted to say to you...first. Is that OK? OK. I've been doing a lot of thinking about...last night. I mean, last night was really... ..difficult for me. See, everything's all turned around now. I've been thinking about you and me and big cities and small towns... Well, I'm gonna marry Hank. I've decided. It's a plane ticket... to Los Angeles. The whole town chipped in. We've kept you here this long and if you have to wait for Melvin to fix your car... You've got Los Angeles waiting for you. I've got Emma. It's not fair to you. Hank's steady...and he's here. You... (Voice breaks) You're like a big, bright shooting star. You're right - you'd burn out here. SCREEN DOOR SLAMS Wait... Wait a minute! Well, Ben Stone, you have five minutes to say goodbye to Shangri-la. Cotton will give you a police escort to the airport. WISTFUL MUSIC We made you a sack lunch. Airplane food can cause gas. Thanks. Well, guess I'll watch after your pig. Just hope she takes to the farm after living in town. Appreciate it. Lot of folks around here gonna miss you. I don't mean me, but a lot of folks. Adieu. Back to the interstate, Ben Stone, huh? Back to the interstate. 'Bye, Doc! 'Bye! (Weeps) LOTS OF CAR HORNS BEEP MIDDLE-EASTERN MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO (Sobs) Are you OK? (Tearfully) Oh... (Clears throat) Oh, yes, I am fine. (Sobs) Good morning, Halberstrom Clinic. Could you hold, please? (Presses button) Good morning, Halberstrom Clinic. Good morning, Halberstrom Clinic. Good morning, Halb... Oh. Yes, Doctor. Mr Stone... DOCTOR Stone. Oh. Ah, Dr Halberstrom can see you now. Do you know how many applications I went through this year, Stone? Oh, yes, sir. That's why I knew this interview was important, sir. I would've been here earlier... I know you're a great surgeon. The whole file's full of great surgeons. Do you expect some special consideration because we come from the same home town? Because I knew your father? No, sir. Good. Because you didn't get shit! Wouldn't have been here at all without that call from Dr Aurelius Hogue. Ah... Dr Hogue called you? I saw two doctors last week with more experience than you and better Board Certification scores. Dr Hogue's a... piece of work, isn't he? What did he say? That you were doing volunteer family practice down south somewhere. Yes. Ah...yeah. Yes. Yes, that's right. Went there to get that small town chip off your shoulder, eh? Yeah. Well, you're braver than I was, Stone. Any case, Hogue said you were, quote, "one elatiously fine physician." That I would be a "bovine, clod-pated, citified moron" if I didn't hire you on the spot. Wrote it down so I wouldn't forget. So, I guess you're in, Stone. Congrats. What time do I tee off? You do play golf, don't you? Great, great. Forget that one. You can't see it. Secret to this business, son, is to get a good pace going. Nobody likes to admit it, but medicine's a volume business. 99% of what we do is bonafide surgery. That means we can afford the 1% that's meaningful. Disfigurements. Birth defects. Harelips. Cleft palates! You live for those moments. Course, the bigger you get, the bigger the nut. We're a service industry. Comes with the territory. Fixed costs specialisation... People adjust to it or fail. Cable TV. You'll see some changes, Stone. LIQUID SLOSHES Stone... See if patient number 434 is in pre-op yet. We can squeeze one more in before lunch. TV: ...Pepsi to the Soviet Union... ..in the wet... LAUGHTER (Switches off TV) SAD MUSIC (Dials phone) (Woman on phone) Hi. This is the national weather service forecast for the Greater Grady area tomorrow. There'll be plenty of sunshine and blue skies. The ol' temperature should be in the 90s again. But a cool afternoon breeze will make it all worthwhile come evening. You all look out for the lightning bugs after sunset. DIAL TONE Actress alert! 'Scuse me? Some girl called for you. Said you'd know who it was. Said she'd meet you at this bar. Like as if you're gonna rush right over there. Right? Totally unbelievable southern accent. An actress, I'll bet. CAR HORN SOFT MOOD MUSIC PLAYS Hi. Can I help you? Yeah. I'm supposed to meet someone. A girl. Ben! Coming! Ah... Nancy Lee. Well, I had to give it a shot, you know. I mean, I just thought just in case... Guess not. You... You drove all this way just to bring me my car? Sort of. Well, gave me an excuse to get the hell out of Grady. Pardon my French. Things were bad before, but since you left they got stagnant. Ah... How's Hogue? Well, he's the same. Melvin? Same. How's your dad? Why don't you ask me about Viloula? (Laughs) Oh... What's there to ask? I mean, I guess she and Hank are... You're in my chair. Slide a bit, Nancy Lee. There's a man in the toilet selling aftershave. Now, what's that all about? Hank, you... What... What are you doing here? I took my own advice, Doc. Knowin' when to stay and when to get out. I thought you and Lou were gonna get... Lou was never gonna marry me, so I broke it off clean. You... You dumped her? Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Even if it's in California. Sense of higher purpose, you know? (Sucks noisily) Is that... Is that a star? No. That's Ted Danson. I'm goin' for breakfast. You want anything? I'm goin' for breakfast. You want anything? Mm-hmm. How about Bob Barker? (Laughs) I'll see what I can do. (Pig oinks) Howdy. You steal that pig? I heard she was wasting away in this one-pig town... And you thought you'd come back and rescue her. And you thought you'd come back and rescue her. Yeah. Something like that. And what makes you think she'll take you back? Because I love her. Go back to Los Angeles. I don't want Los Angeles. I want you. You got great tonsils. (Laughs) That ain't all. (Pig grunts) I just thought of something. I can collect that $10 from Nick. You lost that bet. Says who? Says me. You have no say - YOU'RE the bet. The bet was for one week. You lost. It's your word against mine. You would sully my reputation for 10 measly dollars? (Laughs) Absolutely! I don't even know what 'sully' means! Supertext Subtitles Copyright 1993 Australian Caption Centre Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2020