- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the comic stylings of Bill Bailey. - Hello! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Good evening, Hammersmith! (CHUCKLES) Yes, it is I. Yeah. So welcome. Welcome. This is my new name for Britain, Limboland. - (LAUGHTER) - People have suggested others. Poundland. Leave-akia. Uh... - (SCATTERED LAUGHTER) - My local hospital's been torn down, been replaced with an app. Uh... - (LAUGHTER) - You download it, it tells you where you can harvest local medicinal herbs. It's like... Tinder for witch hazel. And... - (LAUGHTER) - (STRUMS MINOR TUNE) But I'm a massive supporter of the NHS. If there's any NHS supporters in here. Any NHS workers? Any NHS workers? - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Big up yourselves. Massive respect. My mum and dad worked in the NHS their whole lives. I couldn't do that job. Well, I haven't got the qualifications. - (LAUGHTER) - I'd be a liability, if anything. 'Hold on, mate. I'll Google it.' - (LAUGHTER) - But it's not just about qualifications, is it? It's a vocational thing. You've gotta know what to say to people sometimes in difficult times. You've gotta know what to say. You've gotta be compassionate and firm. You've gotta be tender. I don't think I've got it in me. I think I'm too emotionally glib. If I had to be the bearer of bad news, I'd probably get it all wrong, you know? I'd probably do it in song form. - (LAUGHTER) - That'd be wrong, wouldn't it? It'd come out like this. # I've seen your scans. # Don't make any plans. # - (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - (PLAYS KINKS-ISH CHORDS) # A farming incident in Ukraine. # Poultry will never be the same. # A revolution, the world held its breath the day the chickens marched on Kiev. - (LAUGHTER) - # Their beaks are shiny and not very long. # Their wings are tiny and not very strong. # Bravely they marched, their banners all aflutter. # 'Stop pumping us with garlic and butter!' # The first to fall was the bravest of foul. # He attacked a queue in KFC, they killed him with a trowel. # They grabbed the body, cos the staff were gonna chuck it. # They buried him with some coleslaw in a hero's bucket. # Hoorah, hoorah, this chicken havoc we are wreaking. # Rejoice, rejoice, the ducks have taken Peking. # Nothing left, all streets swept clean. # No chickens, no chickens to be seen. # Just a lone voice in this poultry Waterloo. # 'You can cut off our heads, but we'll still be chasing you!' # The day the chickens marched on Kiev. # - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Cheers. I had a very odd experience in Tallinn, in Estonia. Some years ago, I did a sitcom called Black Books, and in it` - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - There was a scene in it where I held up a neck massager to my breasts, and there were two rotating cones, and I was like, 'Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, I'm a prostitute robot from the future.' Now, fast forward to Tallinn airport security. - (LAUGHTER) - I'm putting my items through the scanner, or the Eye of Sauron, as I call it, and the guard fixed me with a gimlet eye and he nudged his mate and went, 'Yeah, (SPEAKS LOCAL DIALECT)', mumbling something in what I assume was Estonian. 'Hey, (SPEAKS LOCAL DIALECT).' And he turned to me and he went, 'Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard.' 'Hey, Bernard, Bernard. (LAUGHS) Hey, Bernard!' Now,... I knew what he meant, but it freaked all the other passengers out like you wouldn't believe. - (LAUGHTER) - They all thought it was some weird Estonian folk greeting. And then, of course, we had to take the obligatory selfie. Now, I'm fine with that. I accept social media into my life, albeit grudgingly, because if you're in the public eye like I am, you have to have a social media presence, otherwise some other nerk will rob it off you, right? As I discovered when I went on Twitter and there were four other Bill Bailey Twitter users pretending to be me, having a much more fulfilling life, which is actually really galling. It's extraordinary. Facebook is like the Death Star. It sucks us in with those tempting links. The tractor beam of Facebook. 'Oh, look at this link. Oh, I must resist. But no, look at it! It's so tempting! 'When this guy put some bread in a toaster, you won't believe what happened next.' - (LAUGHTER) - 'What happened? What happened? What happened? What happened?' Actually, you will believe what happened next. And YouTube, it's just like a portal for the deranged. It's like a` It's like a sump from a vast underground lake of anger. I put a still photograph of a cabbage on YouTube just to see what would happen. The amount of hatred that came back my way. 'What'd you do that for, you stupid man?! 'You stupid cabbage man!' - (LAUGHTER) - It's a cabbage, innit? Uh, a lot of friends would say to me, 'Bill, you're looking a bit stressed. You need to get a massage.' And I hate massages. I'm covered in hair. I feel like a dog being groomed. But... - (LAUGHTER) - I said, 'All right, I'll go along with it.' So eventually I went to get a massage, you know? Not a, you know` I mean a... - (LAUGHTER) - A legitimate one, not a, you know... Actually, I don't know what that is. That's just a weird gesture. 'There you go, mate.' It's like a little Cockney drive-by massage. 'There you go, mate. Have some of that.' 'There you go. That'll sort your checkers out.' No. Ooh, double bubble. And, uh.... I went to a spa, you know, like a tosser, and, uh... - (LAUGHTER) - I got undressed, put the robe on, put the little hair net thing on like that, and I'm waiting for the masseur, and she comes in the room, and the first thing she did was this. '(GASPS)' Like that. Which is not a good start for any sort of social interaction. That. 'Ah!' It turns out it wasn't a hairnet. It was disposable underpants. All right. - (LAUGHTER) - I don't know. You just put them on. I actually thought, 'These are really comfortable.' There's two holes for your ears. This is brilliant! And while I was waiting, I had actually teased all my hair out through the holes. - (LAUGHTER) - I looked like Princess Leia's wizard uncle. The endpoint of Western civilisation is to be happy. Happiness. And happiness is now no longer just a random thing which may or may not happen to us if we're lucky. It's a quantifiable resource. It's a currency. I flew to Copenhagen. I came out the airport. There was a sign saying, 'Welcome to Denmark, the happiest country in the world.' Now, I've been to Denmark. It's nice, but people are not conga-ing down the street, going, (SINGS) 'We all live in Denmark! We all live...' # Wearing a cape made out bacon and a pastry hat, which is obviously what I'd do. And the reason for that is that Denmark has got great social provision. It's got good health care and great education, and the roads are nice and everything's nice. But that doesn't necessarily equate to happiness. To me, happiness is more elusive, it's more mercurial, it's subjective. It could be anything ` birdsong, a funny-shaped cloud, finding a valid receipt for a faulty domestic appliance. (SINGS ANGELIC TUNE) That is like the universe shining on you for a day. 'There.' Because if you've tried to take a toaster back without a receipt, that is a walk of shame. I tried that. You walk in. 'I'd like to return this toaster, please.' 'Do you have a receipt?' 'Uh, no, but I did have one and I bought it here. Well, not here. Another shop. 'But it doesn't matter because I bought things and I bought a toaster, 'and I like toast. I like to butter toast. Yum, yum, yum, yum.' And you're making no sense. And then you start babbling like, 'An African prince has promised me �5 million if we emailed him some toast. 'I'll cut you in on the deal. (GIGGLES)' And... then they realise you haven't got a receipt. And this must give them a mild sexual thrill, I think. 'Well, I'm terribly sorry, sir, if you don't... have... 'a valid receipt... 'But if you do have a receipt, oh, what a beautiful thing that is.' 'Oh, Frabjous Day.' 'Do you have a receipt?' 'Yes, I do. Oh, look, I've laminated it for my pleasure. (GIGGLES)' 'I'm looking at you through it!' (POPS) Pa-ting! Such a glorious reveal, that is. I sometimes delay the pleasure of that by pretending I don't actually have a receipt. 'Do you have a receipt?' 'No, I don't. A kestrel snatched it from my grasp seconds ago, 'but I need this cordless kettle because I have a rare condition 'where my knees need to be immersed in boiling water all the time and I need... (MUMBLES).' 'I'm sorry, sir. (GRUNTS)' And then you turn away all broken. And then you go, 'Wait a minute, what's this?! (CACKLES)' Cos that is happiness right there. What the Danes have is something else. That is contentment. Contentment is knowing that you're right. Happiness is knowing that someone else is wrong. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) * - Namaste. Tiny little things make us happy. British happiness is quite different from happiness around the world, because we process happiness in a different way in Britain. You know, American friends; I've met Australians ` they're much more in the moment. Oh yeah, they're in tonight. Whoo-hoo! They're much more` much more upbeat, much more positive. I say to my Australian friends, 'How are you?' AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: 'Awesome. Awesome!' I mean, genuinely in a non-ironic way. 'How you, mate?' 'Awesome!' 'How was yesterday?' 'Awesome, mate! Today's gonna be awesome!' 'What are you doing tomorrow?' 'I don't know. Picking up stones in the rain. It's gonna be awesome!' - (LAUGHTER) - We never say that in a non-ironic way. In Britain, the best you're gonna get` Because our happiness is based on this premise ` things could have been a lot worse. All right? - (LAUGHTER) - That's as good as it gets in Britain. That's why the standard greeting in Britain... 'How are you?' 'Not too bad.' - (LAUGHTER) - That's as good as it gets in Old Blighty! 'Not too bad.' Things are clearly bad, but they're not quite as bad as we thought they're going to be. We've dialled down our expectation to an acceptable level of disappointment. We're eking out our expectation in diminishing increments of reduced joy. Things are not too bad. There's the abyss. We're not in the abyss. We're in the car park and the snack area adjacent to the abyss. It's not too bad. It's a meme. It carries on from generation to generation. My father recently found a cache of letters from his father, writing in the trenches of Northern France in 1918. And he writes this hopeful letter to his family, presumably under mortar fire and machine gun attack. And it says, 'We've got a candle. The medical orderly got quite a nice tenor voice. 'Things are not too bad.' Not too bad?! It's the First World War! It's the greatest carnage the world has ever seen! 'Not too bad.' You know... - (LAUGHTER) - ...that is the ludicrous optimism of the British psyche. In Britain, we have the highest per capita ownership of convertible cars in Europe. That is preposterous optimism! Right there! - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - When you see a couple with the top down in July, their faces contorted in a rictus of optimism as the horizontal hail drills into their retinas. GROANS: 'Dear, it's clearing up. It's clearing up.' And... (CHUCKLES) Not too bad. That's just like a` It's a kind of a daily greeting, you know? Somebody goes out in the week. 'Oh, how was last night? 'Ooh, not too bad.' 'Oh, how was the night out?' 'Ooh, not too bad.' But if you haven't seen someone in a while, you get a little bit more. You get a little bit` you get a bit extra. You say, 'Well, I haven't seen you in ages. How are you?' 'Not too bad, all things considered.' - (LAUGHTER) - And when people say that to me, I want to say to them, 'You have considered all things?' - (LAUGHTER) - Uluru? The Okavango Delta? The Cradle Of All Life? The Alps? The genius of Mozart? The limpid minimalism of Arvo Part? The unplayable piano music of France Liszt, whose manatee-like flipper hands means that if you're not a circus freak or a yeti, you can't actually play the bloody stuff? - (LAUGHTER) - The tectonic plates inching around the planet, mocking our brief dance on the surface? Those yoghurts with a bit of fruit in the corner? All human artistic endeavour? Everything that has ever existed at a molecular level? Pushing someone in a pond when they least expect it? - (LAUGHTER) - Sitting around the house in your pants, eating gluten for a laugh? - (LAUGHTER) - Wars? Religion? Ideology? A rose? Opening up a new jar of instant coffee with the back end of a teaspoon ` the sensation of that?! - (LAUGHTER) - The baffling longevity of LinkedIn? - (LAUGHTER) - Standing on the Rialto Bridge at midnight, covered in Marmite, naked, chucking wine gums at tourists, shouting, 'I forgive you!'?! - (LAUGHTER) - The uncountable stars? The boundless universe beyond which our imagination flounders on a distant shore where we dare to touch the hem of infinity's cloak? You considered the opalescence that shimmers on the surface of a tear that wells up in a shepherd's eye as he... as he marvels at the beauty of yet another Patagonian sunrise?! You considered that?! 'Yeah.' 'And how'd you feel?' 'Not too bad.' - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - When I was a kid, when I was learning the piano, I always preferred the minor keys. The major key... (PLAYS MAJOR KEY) was always associated with happiness, but I prefer the more melancholy minor key, the medieval minor scales, like the melodic minor. (PLAYS MELODIC MINOR SCALE) That hopeful ascent and depressing descent. # Things are looking happy and joyful. # No, they're not. They're depressing and bleak. # - (LAUGHTER) - And the wonderful harmonic minor with that eastern figure at the end. (PLAYS HARMONIC MINOR SCALE) It's impossible to play that without playing it like this. (PLAYS HARMONIC MINOR SCALE) (PLAYS ALADDIN-ESQUE MUSIC) - (APPLAUSE) - And when I'm in a social situation, people say, 'Bill, it's someone's birthday. Will you play the piano?' And I say, 'I will.' 'Will you play Happy Birthday?' I said, 'I'll do it in the minor key.' (PLAYS MINOR VERSION OF 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY') Then I go a bit Liszt. (PLAYS BUSY VERSION) Bit cabaret. (PLAYS CABARET VERSION) (SPEEDS UP) - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - I've rewritten the lyrics to 'Happy Birthday', because I think 'Happy Birthday' is a bit of a dirge, so` It's also too unrealistic. This is more downbeat and realistic. This is 'Happy Birthday' in the style of the 1930s Berlin Cabaret. A Kurt Weill birthday, if you will. (PLAYS PLODDING MINOR VERSION) # Happy birthday. # Happy birthday. # What a rhapsody of fear. # Let's strum the harp of pointless. # You've survived # another year. - (LAUGHTER) - # Each little candle a tiny death knell. # A snickering footman tolling the bell. # One for deception and one for a crime # and one for a dream extinguished by time. # Our lives, a brief shuffle down the gangplank of pain # till we're just an old sponge cake left out in the rain. # Stumbling to oblivion from embryo to ghost. # So let's charge our dirty glasses and raise a futile toast # to you and your meaningless # milestone of decay. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - # Happy birthday. # Happy birthday. # Like anybody cares. # It's a lie, it's a lie, it's a lie, it's a lie. # It's a cake in the shape of a lie. # Why use that knife to cut the cake? # Why, here's the Reaper's scythe. # Happy birthday, cheeky chops. # It's not every day you're 5. # - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Thank you very much! * - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - All right. (PLAYS DISTORTED CHORD) Anyone here play in a rock band? - (LIGHT CHEERING) - Yeah? Someone over here? Yeah? What sort of band is it? Is it a rock band? You play an instrument, sir? - MAN: Punk! - Punk? You're in a punk band? And you` Hey. (GRUNTS) Right. What's the name of your band, sir? - Death Star. - Death Star. I like it. - (LAUGHTER) - And is it sort of quite fast and furious? - No. - No. - (LAUGHTER) - It's slow punk. (PLAYS DESCENDING NOTES) # Smash the system from within. - (LAUGHTER) - (LAUGHS) # For that is the only true way. # Sorry, it's gone medieval. Medieval punk! # Smash the system from within # and then we'll take the wolves to the tower. # Sorry, I got a bit distracted there. Uh... And do you play an instrument, sir? - Guitar. - Guitar. Right on. And when you're` when you're playing with Death Star, sometimes when you're rocking out, do you feel transported by the power of music? - (LAUGHTER) - Yeah? - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So... (LAUGHS) Well, that was a long walk down a windy beach to a cafe that was closed. So... - (LAUGHTER) - I don't mean that in a bad way. Any metal fans in? - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Yes. 'Course there are. Uh, I like all kinds of metal. Anyone play in a metal band? - (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) - Yes, excellent. And what is the name of your band, sir? - MAN: WKB! - Pardon? - WKB! - WKD? - B! - (LAUGHTER) - Wicked. Have you just looked at the bottle of your drink and gone, 'That's a good name'? And are you` What kind of metal do you play? - Thrash! - Thrash! Right. That's one of the best. That's one of most aggressive forms of metal. (PLAYS AGGRESSIVE RIFF, GROWLS) There's death metal. And death metal again, a very aggressive form of metal. And there's certain protocols you have to follow. There's two singing styles. There's the growling style. (GROWLS) And the screaming style. (SCREAMS) And` And there's a chord progression very popular in death metal, which is this. (PLAYS DISSONANT CHORD PROGRESSION) Which I think actually is the only chord progression in death metal. - (LAUGHTER) - And you add that to the singing style. (PLAYS DISSONANT CHORDS, GROWLS) (GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY) That's actually a death metal rowing team. (GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY) Which I would bloody love to see, I have to say. - (LAUGHTER) - Oxford and Cambridge rowing along sedately, and then a long black boat pulls up alongside. (GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY) All with Viking helmets, chucking goat carcases at 'em. (GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY) Oh... Make that happen someone. - (LAUGHTER) - If you're in a death metal band, it's 100% commitment, right? It's the whole time. You know, around the breakfast table, it's death metal, you know? GROWLS: Cornflakes. SCREAMS: Miiilk! - (LAUGHTER) - Bing bong! GROWLS: Someone's at the door! - (LAUGHTER) - And I've got this theory that most songs in the popular canon will be improved by playing them in the death metal style. So if you'd like to suggest a few songs, I will endeavour to do that. - MAN: Justin Bieber. - Justin Bieber. Not Justin Bieber. That's the only one that doesn't work, really. (CHUCKLES) What was it? - 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star'. - 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star'. All right, then. (CHUCKLES) (PLAYS DISTORTED NOTES) (PROGRAMMED DRUMS KICK IN) GROWLS: # Twinkle, twinkle, little star # How I wonder where you are. # Up above the world so high. # Like a diamond in the night. (THRASHY RHYTHM KICKS IN) - (LAUGHTER) - # Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder where you are. - # Twinkle, twinkle, little star. - # Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder where you are. # - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Very good. Thank you. Well done. Well done. Good suggestions. Now, along with metal, I like birdwatching. - (LAUGHTER) - Not at the same time, obviously. That'd be weird, wouldn't it? (GROWLS) Ooh. GROWLS: Satan! A chaffinch. - (LAUGHTER) - But any birders here will know that you wanna seek out` - (AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES) - Oh, there we are! And a bird is in. Mm, a calliope. When you're seeking out more exotic birds, you go to more exotic climes. And I've spent a lot of time in Southeast Asia and Indonesia, and I wanted to be able to speak the language a little bit or maybe to converse on a slightly deeper level with the locals. So I brought this little book, Practical Dialogues, hoping that this would engender some more meaningful conversations. But sadly, they're not practical in any way. I'll give you` I'll give you a demonstration of the kind of dialogues that these are. READS: 'I have just been promoted to the rank of major.' - (LAUGHTER) - 'Congratulations, Major.' (CHUCKLES) It's quite a specific set of circumstances for that to really fly. Or they're just really angry and confrontational, like this one. STERNLY: 'Get me a broom.' - (LAUGHTER) - 'I don't know where it is.' 'Just find it. 'Look at the floor, it's really dirty.' 'Are you going to sweep it?' 'Yes, I swept the floor this morning.' 'And where did you put the broom?!' - (LAUGHTER) - (LAUGHS) It's not gonna make you any friends, is it? And some of them, there's clearly a back story missing from this conversation, like we need to know way more about these conversational protagonists. Like this one. 'What is yoga?' 'It is a Hindu system of meditation and self-control.' 'What is it intended for?' 'To produce mystical experience and the union of the individual soul with the universal spirit.' 'Oh.' - (LAUGHTER) - (CHUCKLES) And then, for no reason at all, 'Is your sister still in India?' Right. - (LAUGHTER) - (CHUCKLES) What? Who? What? Or there's clearly` there's another agenda afoot, like this one. You can tell from the first line. 'Is smuggling forbidden?' - (LAUGHTER) - 'Yes.' 'Why?' 'It gets good secretly and illegally.' 'What do you call a person who smuggles?' 'A smuggler.' CHUCKLES: 'There are many smugglers in the world, aren't there?' 'Yes.' And here's the question he's been building up to. 'What will happen if I smuggled opium to Malaysia?' - (LAUGHTER) - 'You will be hanged.' 'Goodbye.' - (LAUGHTER) TJ: Have I done enough to wear the jersey? Gotta sweat out that fear because this is bigger than me. I do it for my fans and my family. ION4 hydration. Sweat it out witih Powerade. Hey, man. Oh, hey. Come to check out the car? BOTH: Yeah. - Josh. - Jen. Hi. She's in pretty good nick. Only done 110,000 K's. WOF and rego. You know, full service history. (OMINOUS MUSIC) What is this? This is a one-star safety-rated car. Yeah. Try and get in. (HORN TOOTS) My body's, like, folded in half. I don't understand what's going on. People don't often think about how a car will crash and how it will protect you. That's what a star safety rating tells you. Just can't imagine` If we crashed in a car like this, there's no way we would survive. (OMINOUS MUSIC) - (LAUGHTER) * - You meet someone, you think you're getting on great, and they say something a bit odd, a bit culturally inappropriate, and you think, 'This is not gonna work out.' It could be something simple, like you're getting on great, and then they'll say, 'Hey, I've got us some tickets to see James Blunt in concert.' - (LAUGHTER) - And at that point, you can just go, 'This isn't working out,' and walk away. Or sometimes you're talking to someone long into the night, and something monstrous is revealed about them. Like you're saying things like, 'Hey, you know what I like doing? I like running into the sea naked at midnight.' 'Yeah, I like doing that.' 'Tell you what I don't like.' 'What's that?' 'Taramasalata.' 'No, I don't like that either.' 'Tell you what I love doing. Staying up late at night, watching old movies.' 'I love doing that.' 'Tell you what I don't like.' 'What's that?' 'The Jews.' - (LAUGHTER) - 'OK. I'm just going to pop to the shops for... 'the rest of my life.' See, (CHUCKLES) when men and women get together in a heterosexual context ` that's dotting the sexual I's and crossing the T's there ` women demand more of men, you know? They want to know more. They want to know what's going on. Uh, they want to ask questions. Men, we're a bit more simplistic. We've figured out our role in life a long time ago, which is basically carry stuff, try not to get in the way, then we die. - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - Um... There's a bit more to it than that. That's the bare bones of it. Women want a bit more. When they meet a man, they've invested time in him. They want to know more. So they ask him this question ` what are you thinking? What are you thinking? It's very important. Women have a greater emotional articulacy than men. They want to know what's going on. And when they see a man gazing off into the middle distance, a wistful look on his face, they mistake that for intelligence and... - (LAUGHTER) - ...deep philosophical thought. 'Wow, he's grappling with the problems of the age.' Nope. When we're gazing off like that, we've gone into like a power-saving mode. - (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) - 'What are you thinking?' 'Nothing. 'Literally nothing.' A spinning wheel at best. Women are quite persistent. 'What are you thinking? What are you thinking?' Eventually it'll shake a bloke out of his reverie. And blokes are quite good at cobbling together something under pressure. 'What are you thinking?' 'Uh, just thinking how compatible we are.' - (LAUGHTER) - 'Naw, that's sweet.' 'Phew. Got away with it.' - (LAUGHTER) - I've been with my wife a long time, many, many years, and we have a great relationship. We moved on. We don't ask ourselves what we're thinking anymore. We don't need to. We're very honest with each other. And in fact, if you're very honest with someone, you don't really want to know what they're thinking all the time. - (LAUGHTER) - It would lead to some awkward exchanges. We might be holding hands, looking at a sunset, and she might say, 'What are you thinking?' And I'd have to say, 'I'm thinking about a sandwich I had in 1984.' - (LAUGHTER) - (SMACKS LIPS) I met this girl. I was 19. I mean, what do you know? Your head's full of sparkles, and I bought a bag of cookies from this new cookie store in town. And I turn up outside her house, and I said, 'Oh, hi, I've got these cookies.' And she opened the door, and I was momentarily transfixed and thought, 'Wow, she might be the one. This might be it.' And she` she smiled and took a cookie. And I just` suddenly our lives sort of unfolded before me. I saw us running on a beach. I saw children. I saw marriage. I saw a golden wedding anniversary where we run a dolphin sanctuary and we're punting off to the sunset as the dolphins form an honour guard. (CLICKS LIKE DOLPHIN) - (LAUGHTER) - All of this happened in an instant. And she took a bite of a cookie, mm, like that, and then a little crumb broke off the cookie and she licked it back in a sensual way. Off her lip, not off her shoulder. I mean... - (LAUGHTER) - (SLURPS) Like that. She's not a lizard, right? 'Oh, unlucky in love again. Another lizard, Bill.' 'I love you. Bleurgh!' Anyway... And then fatefully, she took the second bite, and this is what ended the relationship, stopped in its tracks ` this one word. And it was a word that was meant to be endearing, but it was not. It was a hateful word to me. It was` It was something evil. It was like all of Dan Brown's works boiled down into a single hateful word. And she took a bite and she looked at me. She said, 'Yumbles.' Yumbles. - (LAUGHTER) - And outwardly I smiled, but inwardly I was going, 'Noooo! 'Not yumbles!' The Caribbean dream evaporated in a minute. One minute I had a ram daiquiri in my hand` a rum daiquiri in my hand. Warm` A ram daiquiri is a completely different thing. It's a sheep... (LAUGHS) - (AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES) - Yeah! And a rum daiquiri in my hand, warm wind in my hair, and then the next minute a corpse had washed up on the beach and it had my face, and an eel slithered out of his mouth. 'Eughhh.' The sky went black with ravens. There was a rain of frogs. And then a beautiful woman went by on a jet ski. Except it wasn't a beautiful woman. It was a goat in a shopping trolley eating a light bulb. And through mouthfuls of broken glass, the goat was bleating, 'Yumbles. Yumbles.' - (LAUGHTER) - So I just looked at her for a minute, and I just said, 'I don't like the Jews,' and ran off. - (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) (ENGINE RUMBLES) PHONE: Flow ` everything's flowing. When you can hit that flow, you basically become one. Challenge yourself to be better, to do it with more style and grace. (ENGINE RUMBLES IN BURSTS) That's what I aspire to. (BIRDS SQUAWKING, BONGO DRUMMING) Excuse me, where am I? You're lost in the procrastination place. Yeah, right. That makes sense. MAN: Slap yourself out of it. Whoo! * - I went to a weird gig. I went to see One Direction in concert. - (SCATTERED JEERING, APPLAUSE) - Not on my own, cos that'd be weird. Uh, I took a bunch of kids to see 'em. - (LAUGHTER) - Kids that I knew! Not just random kids in the street. GRUNTS: 'Hello, do you wanna...?' So... The thing is, it's not my kind of thing. It's not my demographic. I understand that. I realise that. I'm into different things. I'm into metal, guitar, prog rock, jazz, classical, any sort of rhythmic tapping. Uh... - (LAUGHTER) - A rusty gate blowing on a windy night. Um... That annoying sound of your jeans' buttons clattering on the inside of a washing machine. Uh... An audio book of 50 Shades of Gray read by the Chuckle Brothers. - (LAUGHTER) - 'What's the safe word? 'To me, to you.' You know. - (LAUGHTER) - And... The point is, I didn't have great expectations because, you know, I mean, aside from the music, they're not great showmen, you know? There's no pizzazz. I mean` I mean, God love them. There's the one who can't sing. The one who can't dance. The one who can't sing or dance. And then there's the one who knows that the front door opens inwards. - (LAUGHTER) - Thus preventing them from being trapped forever. And... I wasn't having the best night, but the thing is ` towards the end of the gig, I sort of kind of enjoyed it. I sort of really enjoyed it, mainly because of the surreal nature of the spectacle that unfolded, because I don't know if you've ever been to see a boy band concert. It's extraordinary. Just screaming girls the whole time. (SCREAMS) 'Hello.' (SCREAMS) And it was in the O2 in Greenwich. And then in the second half, fans were encouraged to tweet messages to the band. And the tweets were shown on a big screen. And this one random tweet came in, and it was, 'If the world was about to be destroyed by an asteroid, what would be your final meal?' And they're all looking at each other. Niall, the Irish one, he steps forward and he goes, (IRISH ACCENT) 'Well, I'd go round me Nan's house 'and have a bit of gammon.' - (LAUGHTER) - Now... already, tears of joy were starting to form in my eyes. - (LAUGHTER) - Mainly because of the complete lack of a reception to gammon. That is not a teenage girl's radar, right? That's a dish for the 1950s. They were with him up to that point. 'I'd go round me Nan's house...' (IMITATES GIRLS SCREAMING) '...and have a bit of gammon.' 'Eh... What?' - (LAUGHTER) - Silence in the O2, like tumbleweed. I could hear girls around me going, 'What's gammon? What's gammon?' - (LAUGHTER) - 'Google it. Google gammon.' 'I love you, Niall! Just google gammon. We'll send him some.' And then the surreal nature of this image just took hold in my mind. And for the rest of the gig, all I could imagine was him going around to see his nan in rural Ireland, going, 'Hello, Nan.' 'Oh, hello, Niall. I haven't seen you in a while.' 'Nan, a bit of an emergency. I need a bit of gammon.' - (LAUGHTER) - 'Oh, I got some in the freezer. I'll have to defrost it.' 'No time for that, Nan! There's an asteroid about to destroy the planet! We haven't got long!' 'I don't think it will last that long.' 'Hurry up, Nan!' I just... Uh... I was in hysterics at this for hours,... weeks, months after the gig. CRIES: 'Give me gammon!' - (LAUGHTER) - I had a very different experience at the O2 when I went to see Sir Paul McCartney. Now, we all know Beatles songs. We've grown up with them, we sing them and listen to 'em. But when you actually hear them being sung by a living Beatle, there's an emotional heft that I was not expecting. And I just thought, this is extraordinary. These songs, they're more than songs. They're like memes. They're like threads in a cultural tapestry of memory. And when I looked around, thousands of people were lost in reverie as they remembered the moment when they heard these beautiful songs. And I thought, if ever I get to meet Paul McCartney, I want to try and tell him. I want to try and say this, try and describe this experience. Cos I bet no one's ever told him how brilliant he is over the years (!) - (LAUGHTER) - And I sort of thought, these songs, they're enmeshed in the cultural consciousness. And I thought it was quite arty, a bit pretentious, this speech, but it was well-meaning. Anyway, suddenly the opportunity arose to meet Paul McCartney. Me and me mate Kev, a huge Beatles fan, we were invited backstage to meet Paul McCartney. So now I'm really excited, a bit nervous. 'Oh, God, I've got this speech. It's gonna be so great.' So Paul McCartney, he comes out, he looks around the room and then he sees me. And very briefly, our eyes meet and he looks at me and he smiles and he leans forward and he goes, 'Bernard, Bernard, Bernard, Bernard.' No, he didn't do it. - (LAUGHTER) - He didn't do that. He didn't do that. He didn't do that. He didn't do that. He came over and shook my hand. 'Hey, nice to meet you, fellas.' And then I thought, 'Right, this is it, Bill. This is it. You're up. 'This is the moment. You've got to get this right. There'll only be one opportunity.' So I started the speech. It started well. 'Sir Paul McCartney...' And then it went downhill really rapidly because I was so nervous. I went, 'Your songs, like, uh, with a tapestry and everything. Like a thread with the culture and the blackbird singing in the` Like a tapestry. When a goat, a kestrel sees a foal and you, 'Whoo!' It was just gibberish. And Kev's looking at me like, 'What the hell?' And I went, 'I don't know! I don't know what's going on!' So` And then it just became sounds. 'Uh, see, bleurgh. OK. Argh. 'La la la. You. Blackbird. Tapestry. La.' And I thought, 'I'm gonna have to bail out of this.' So I just went, 'And this is me mate, Kev.' Paul McCartney turns to Kev and says, 'Hey, Kev.' And Kev, he meets his hero. He goes a little bit to pieces. He's like, 'Oh!' And his leg starts to go a little bit. And he starts to do his low chuckle. (CHUCKLES DEEPLY) And Paul McCartney's shaking his hand, and now Paul McCartney's shaking a little bit. And then Paul McCartney turns back to me, and for some reason now, I'm doing this. 'Mang, mang, mang, mang, mang!' - (LAUGHTER) - I have no idea why. I think I was trying to reset my vocal ability, and I thought I was doing it in my head, but, no, I was doing it out loud. 'Ma, ma, mang, mang, mang, mang!' (CHUCKLES DEEPLY) 'Ma, ma, mang, mang, mang, mang!' It's like some drug-addled Pingu. 'Ma, ma, mang!' - (LAUGHTER) - This is where we should have backed away at this point. 'Bye-bye. Bye, McCartney. Bye-bye.' But, no, it got so much worse, so much worse. Cos then I thought, 'I'm going in again. If it kills me, I'm gonna have another crack at this speech!' So I start again and I try and say, 'Your songs are enmeshed in the cultural consciousness,' but the word 'enmeshed' gets stuck in the doorway of my brain with another word, 'entrenched'. So this weird hybrid word comes out. And I say` And this is what I do. 'Paul, Paul, Paul, your songs... 'are enmenched...' - (LAUGHTER) - '...erm, with everyone.' And he looks at me, and he goes, 'Enmenched?' And I forget where I am and who he is and the context of this conversation. So I just look at him and say, 'What?' - (LAUGHTER) - And he looks at me and goes, 'What?' And then I say, 'Enmenched.' And he looked at me and says, 'Enmenched.' And then I look at him and go, 'What?' We were just trapped in this weird nexus of nonsense. 'What?' 'Enmenched.' 'Enmenched? What?' 'What?' 'Enmenched.' This is not how I wanted this to turn out at all. It goes on for years and years. We grow long beards. (GRUNTS) 'Enmenched.' 'Enmenched? What?' Finally, Kev saves the day and goes, 'Great show.' 'Oh, thank God!' And... So they're getting on. And Paul McCartney tells a joke, and Kev's laughing. I think I should now join in. I should now laugh. But I don't trust what's coming out of my mouth right now. So I try a little test laugh, a little bit to the side. 'A-heh-hah. A-heh-who-ha.' But what actually comes out is like no laugh any human has ever laughed, like a zombie horse with emphysema trying to get his head in a tight jumper. (GRUNTS, GASPS, SPLUTTERS) (GROANS, SCREECHES) (HOICKS) - (LAUGHTER) - It gets so much worse. It gets so much worse, because what happens... Paul McCartney then tells a story about going to see Tony Bennett in concert. And I think, 'Ooh, I've been to see Tony Bennett in concert! This is it. This is my way back in!' So I launched recklessly into the story. It's Glastonbury. It's the mud fest, the worst it's ever been. There's a lake of liquid mud in the dance tent. The blokes with the nozzles and the tractors they use to suck the crap out the toilets are brought in to suck the mud out of the dance tent, except something goes terribly wrong and they end up pumping a load of shit into the dance tent. I don't think it was an accident. I think it was more a case of, 'Here, dance in this, ya trust-fund tossers!' - (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) - Just saying. Anyway, on the main stage was the incongruously dapper figure of Tony Bennett, a total mismatch with the audience. We're all mud monkeys, thousands of them, just shuffling about in the trenches of the Somme. And Tony Bennett's got an immaculate Vegas showband. (VOCALISES JAZZY TUNE, SCATS) And all the mud monkeys are going, '(GRUNTS RHYTHMICALLY)', and Tony Bennett appears on the back of the stage and he's walking down the ramp at the back of the stage, which is covered in liquid mud. And halfway down he slips! (GRUNTS) And then he slips forward like this. And then he starts careening around the stage as the band are going, '(VOCALISES JAZZY TUNE)', and all the audience are going, 'No, Tony Bennett, don't fall! Don't fall, Tony Bennett!' And Tony Bennet comes up to the microphone and goes, 'Heyyy, what a night!' Like he's in Vegas and not in a shitty field of mud at half past 2 in the afternoon. And I try and tell this story to Paul McCartney. Doesn't come out quite right. This is how it comes out. 'Paul, Paul, Paul. I've seen Tony Bennett! 'He went, "Whoa!" (LAUGHS)' - (LAUGHTER) - The final indignity was when we left. He turned away and he turned back to me and he went` He goes, just as an afterthought, he looked at me and went, 'I'll be watching you on the TV.' And I turned to him and I went, 'And I'll be watching you,' and I poked him in the eye. - (LAUGHTER) - He just leaned forward at the last minute. (GASPS) My only hope is that somewhere in the world tonight, he's telling that story, and he gets to that bit and he goes, 'And then one of the hairy bikers poked me in the eye!' - (LAUGHTER) - You've been a lovely crowd, Hammersmith! - (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Cheers! Thanks for coming. Goodnight.