HEAVENLY CHORAL MUSIC (Man sings) # Heaven is my home # Heaven is my home # Now, this sweet world is precious to me MUSIC BECOMES MORE UPBEAT # I have travelled down this road before # On a journey for a friend # Been away but now I'm back for more # Going down this road again # You know He answers every prayer # But you better do your part # The spirit's all around you everywhere # But you gotta open up your heart # You gotta open up your heart # You're alone when you come in this world # You're alone when you go # And it doesn't matter who you are # It doesn't matter who you know # Keep on listening for that quiet voice # That's the way it starts # The door is open but you have a choice # You've got to open up your heart # You gotta open up your heart # Oh, this world is dear to me # But heaven is my home # This is where I long to be # Yeah, heaven is my home # When your life seems gloomy # Teardrops start to fall # Send a word back to me # And I'll be there when you call # I've been down this road before # But heaven is my home # Not coming back here anymore # Heaven is my home # Yeah, heaven is my home. # THUNDER CRACKS EERIE MUSIC Goodnight. THUNDER RUMBLES 'SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER' PLAYS SOFTLY MUSIC BUILDS DRAMATIC CHORD UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC # Sleigh bells ring # Are you listening? # In the lane, snow is glistening # A beautiful sight # We're happy tonight # Walking in a winter wonderland... # Right here is fine. You think this is bleak enough? My ears are frozen, my feet are frozen. This is as far as it goes. Malt's not gonna like this. What's he not gonna like? He'll find something not to like. Besides us, you mean? Yes, besides us. Huey, you sit in the sled. Santa, Sparky, presents, reindeer, fake snow... What are we missing? Children. Oh, yeah. Let 'em out! Let 'em out! Now what do I do? You know what to do. When they handed out the parts, you got the heart. That's right - I got the heart. You got the brains, is that what you're saying? I'm saying that between the two of us, you got the heart. I'm saying that together we make a person. # Walking in a winter wonderland # You know, we're walking in a winter wonderland. # What is this, Craddock, a joke?! No. Who was in charge here?! Me. I was. That's right, Mr Malt, this was Quinlan's baby. Quinlan, let me ask you a question. You was a big-shot investigative reporter for the 'Chicago Tribune'. Won some prizes. DOG BARKS Give him a biscuit. Now, what do these look like to you? They're Indians dressed up as Eskimos. Indians. Eskimos. What's the difference? That's what we thought. Shut up, Driscoll. Do you know the only prize I ever got, Quinlan? It's out there on the walls. I got four and a half million people who buy the 'National Mirror' every week. And do you know how many of those four and a half million readers are Indians or Eskimos or Eskimo-Indians? CRADDOCK: I told him - American children. Americans want to see pictures of Americans. QUINLAN: They ARE Americans. Americans! Is that too much to ask for Christmas? No, sir. And I will get someone right on it. (Sighs) Oh, aren't you cute! (Growls) If you don't teach that dog some manners soon, somebody else is going to have to, aren't they, hmm? How long were you Elizabeth Taylor's pool man? Reincarnation. Miss Oppelah speaking. Were you ON the bed when it levitated? So you're saying he's living in your refrigerator? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Can I put you on hold for a second? I'm going to go to my desk and take this call there. Don't let him out. Hold on. MAGICAL MUSIC Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Here's something interesting. Ai-ai-ai. Malt sent you for the tree this year, didn't he? I forgot. I found it in Montana. The second I see this tree, I know it's too big to fit on the truck. But I think, "What if someone else sees this tree "while I'm trying to find something that will fit on the truck?" Then Malt gets the SECOND biggest Christmas tree in America and I'm screwed. Well, that's good thinking. So I cut the top off. YOU did that? I didn't know it would be such a problem to put the top and bottom together again. He'll never fire you. Look at the walls. Look, look at the walls. He's got millions of dollars tied up in that dog, and the dog belongs to you. Hold onto that dog, Huey. CRASH! What? MALT: Driscoll! Driscoll! Driscoll! Come in here! We'll go in together, Sparky. "Dear Mr Quinlan, "I'm a great admirer of your prose "and can tell you have a sensitive nature. "I have had an angel named Michael "living with me for almost six months now. "He is extremely polite. "I have enclosed a photograph "to prove to you that I have not lost my wits. "I know that you and Sparky travel all over, reporting on your stories. "That one about the coconut with the wedding ring inside was very nice. "And I think you should visit Iowa... "..and see us for yourself. "Sincerely, Pansy Millbank." Mm-hm. Yeah. Did your mother drop you?! What was going on in that pea brain that lets you take this superb creation of the Lord Almighty and chop it in half?! Whatever I'm paying you, it's too much. How much does Fred make? What, the janitor? I couldn't survive on a janitor's salary. Kill the dog. Did someone invite you to this meeting? Let him go on the highway. What kind of person are you? Who's this? This is Miss Dorothy Winters. She works here. I do? I got the job? Yes! You won't regret this, Mr Malt. Do you know what that is? That is an angel. That is a genuine angel. Huey discovered it. Is this for real? Absolutely. And you're gonna go get me this angel? That's exactly what we're going to do. (Chuckles greedily) Put it on the front page. Bold! Some white, fluffy clouds. DRISCOLL: There you go. A drift of sky. QUINLAN: You got it. And some musical notes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah! Poetry! Don't play with me, Quinlan. You really ARE going to go fetch me this angel for Christmas or I fire the two of you and I keep the dog, yeah? Deal. Can I have a little conference with my colleague? You cannot live on Fred's salary. You cannot. That's a deal. Don't worry about a thing, Mr Malt. We'll leave tomorrow. Yeah. (Sparky growls) We're taking Sparky with us. And you're taking Miss Winters. They are? Why are we taking HER? She's an expert. In what? Angels. Miss Winters is an expert in angels. I have something to tell you. I won't be taking care of you anymore. Your parents will find someone else and...stop looking at me like that. I have this wonderful new job. Only problem is, I have to pretend to be an angel expert for a few days. It'll be fine. I'll be fine. And so will you. Good dogs. Good dogs. EERIE MUSIC SHUTTERS BANG (Coughs) (Snores) BLUESY GUITAR MUSIC QUINLAN: Have you ever had an encounter with an angel? WINTERS: No. Yes. Maybe. Have YOU ever met an angel? Yeah, once. I got a flat tyre on a deserted country road. There was no food, no water, 108 degrees temperature. And a man in a white robe suddenly appeared on the horizon with a spare and a jack. You're kidding. Yes, I am. Bradley used to tease. Who's Bradley? My ex-husband. Oh-hoh. You'd better watch it, Quinlan. I think we should start over. When something isn't going well, it's best to start over. I'll go first. OK. Where did you get Sparky? He comes up to Huey in a parking lot one day. Huey's eating a doughnut, trying to kick him away. You were kicking the dog? I wasn't trying to kick him, I was trying to shoo him away very gently. Malt comes out the door, sees the dog, stops dead in his tracks. It turns out that Malt was once a child who'd had a dog just like that. Oh, that's so sweet. Anyway, Malt's eyes get all teary and he pours out this story all about his dog, Sparky, which ended up underneath a tractor tyre. (Quinlan and Driscoll laugh) And you know what Huey did? Huey turns to Malt and says, "Mr Malt, that is amazing. "This dog's name is Sparky too!" Suddenly, the dog's famous, he's got his own column. He must've saved Huey's neck a hundred times. Milk Bottle Motel. Here, here, here! Milk Bottle Motel! BLUESY MUSIC CONTINUES WIND CHIMES TINKLE MYSTERIOUS MUSIC Looks like your angel checked out. Somebody's here. BLIND FLIES OPEN Mrs Millbank? Mrs Millbank, I'm Frank Quinlan from the 'National Mirror'. About your letter? Um...this is my associate, Mr Hugh Driscoll. How...how are you? And this is Dorothy Winters, who is an expert in...various things. And THIS is...Sparky. Ohhhh! Ohhhhh, you're just as handsome as in the pictures! Awwww! Oh, I think he's cold. Well, I wouldn't know why not! We'd better get him inside. Sparky, here you are. (Groans) Awww. Mmm, what's that wonderful smell? QUINLAN: You must be baking. (Chuckles) It was nice of you to come. (Coughs) (Wheezes) (Sighs) Mrs Millbank? Pansy? Don't shake me, Mr Quinlan! I'm contemplating my death. Are you with the angel? Do you SEE an angel? I don't think I do. Then how could I be with him? Well, we don't know exactly how it works with angels. How it works? If he's in the room, then you're with him. If he's somewhere else, then you're not. And that's why we can't see him now? He's not here? Are you impaired in some way that I hadn't noticed, miss? Miss Winters has probably never heard of an angel living in a motel. (Pansy chuckles) You think I'm full of shit. No, no, nothing like that. I don't judge these things, Mrs Millbank. It's not for me to decide what's real and what's not. I've seen too many things myself. We once heard there was a werewolf in South Jersey. We went there... To locate the werewolf. In that particular case, that person was utterly convinced that the werewolf was in the room with us. They could see it although Mr Quinlan and myself... We couldn't see the werewolf, but that doesn't mean it wasn't there. Michael! Are you coming down, dear? TIRED MALE VOICE: Yeah. FLOOR CREAKS I'm coming down. I've just got to find my smokes. They're beside the bed, next to my cortisone. Did you find them? He'll be down directly. That smell is so familiar. It's like something from childhood. FOOTSTEPS (Michael groans and grunts sleepily) LAID-BACK BLUESY MUSIC PANSY: Michael, look who's come to visit us. It's Sparky! How do you do? You'll have to excuse Michael. He's not good at suffering fools. But he'll be better in the morning. (Laughs indulgently) (ALL CHANT) - The planet doesn't know which stuff you're doing just because you can't say no. So start at the bottom of your list and cross a few things off. But he'll be better in the morning. (Laughs indulgently) SPRIGHTLY HOEDOWN-TYPE MUSIC Brrrr! It's freezing! KNOCK AT DOOR Where's the thermostat? Hey, man, are we talking about an angel here? We can't be talking about an angel! BOTH: There's no such thing as an angel. But that's definitely the weirdest thing I've ever seen. It's like some great big bird made love to that guy's mother. Yes! And we reap the benefits! I'm set for life! I could even get a raise! Thank you! Thank you, Jesus! (Chants) Thank you, Jesus! I thank you, Jesus! I thank you, Jesus! Oh, oh! I thank you, Jesus! I thank you, Jesus! DRISCOLL: What? That is NOT an angel. It is too! It is not! I will handle this. Where has he been? Meaning what? If he were a man with wings, which is the alternative, we would've heard about him. If he'd just showed up at his age with wings, there would've been something about him in the papers. In the 'National Mirror'. Exactly. 'Baby born with wings'. 'Birdman of Iowa'. It's not angel versus man-with-wings. There are other possibilities. Like what? It's fairly obvious, isn't it? He's a younger man. She's an older woman. He's after her money. A gigolo with wings? A gigolo. What money is he after? The Milk Bottle Motel fortune? You don't have to have money to have someone try to take it away from you. Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! Is it so hard for you to imagine that a man would be after a woman's money? Is this Brightley or Brinkley or whatever...what's his name? Bradley. Bradley. Is this Bradley we're talking about here? Actually, no, it's Miles. Who's Miles? My second husband. Ah! Miles was a wild man. It only lasted a week. You left him? No, he left me, in MY Camero. Ah! I see. I'll bet he racked up $5,000 on your Visa bill too, didn't he? Didn't he? You just know everything, don't you? Angels don't smoke! I'm going to sleep. Goodnight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. That is a horrible expression. (Sparky barks) It is not an 'expression'. GENTLE MUSIC CHIMES TINKLE SNORING PANSY: Oh, is that good? Oh! (Laughs) You're so hungry. (Keeps laughing) Oh, boy! (Laughs) Good boy! Oh, what a sweet doggie! Oh! (Laughs) How would you like your eggs, Mr Quinlan? Sparky's look good. Over easy! You know last night we were discussing your wings? Would you mind if I took a closer look? Let 'em look at your wings, Michael. They're from the 'National Mirror'. Thank you. They're not bad. Compared to what? I've...I've seen birds. Would you mind if I touched? WINGS RUSTLE I'd rather you didn't. Hey, we...we'd just like to take a look to see how you... ..have these things attached. Why don't you pull on your pecker and see how that's attached? Watch your language, mister! 'Pecker'! An angel that says 'pecker'. Language, gentlemen! And how would you like your eggs, miss? Is there something in the oven that smells so delicious? We're serving eggs this morning, and that's that! Over easy would be just fine. Over easy! (Sighs) I thought angels were...cleaner. (Coughs) She doesn't mean to offend. It's...it's... Miss Winters is an angel expert and she gets kind of...literal. What she probably wants to know is... ..can you fly? I don't want to know that. I KNOW he can't fly. Only LITTLE angels can fly... Says who? I just thought... Haloes. Yes. Inner light? Yes! I'm not that kind of angel. What kind of angel are you? Michael is an archangel. He battled Lucifer and THREW him out of heaven. Revelation 12, verse 7. That was a long time ago. He smote a bank for me! A bank? I knew it. Money was involved, wasn't it? (Laughs) I should say so! After Elmer died... Who's Elmer? My husband. After he died, they built the highway and stole all my truckers. And then the bank came to take the Milk Bottle. And I prayed for help until God sent me Michael. Well, she WAS persistent. You came down and smote the bank? A branch. First Iowa Bank of Commerce. It was lovely! He walked into the manager's office and said... What was that you said? "MONEYCHANGER!" "Moneychanger, I shalt turneth this earthly den into a parking lot!" (Laughs goofily) I said that?! I didn't say that. They didn't believe us. So Michael flattened it. You did that? Had to. Into a parking lot? Mmm. Well, THEY said it was a tornado. This town doesn't really need a parking lot. But it's, er...more...cosmopolitan. And what about the money? We never heard another word about it, did we? Nope! You look like you must eat a robust breakfast. How would you like your eggs? Poached? Er...that's...poached is fine. Poached. (Coughs and gasps for air) (Keeps coughing violently) POIGNANT GUITAR RENDITION OF 'AVE MARIA' PRIEST: The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He leadeth me beside the still waters. Look, she's...she's happy where she is, right? Heaven? She's happier up there, right? It isn't my area. (Dorothy cries) (Priest continues prayers) We hardly knew her. She died cooking us breakfast! She died making breakfast. What is it that you keep writing in that book? Lyrics. To what? I write country and western songs. It's my hobby. PRIEST: Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless and keep you and give you peace. Justine, it's Quinlan. Put me straight through. What you got? Wings. Real wings... Don't play with me, Quinlan. This guy is about six feet tall and his wings reach from his shoulders to his knees. He's filthy, though. We'll have to clean him up and put him in a white robe. Have Craddock get those sandals with straps that go up your legs. Too bad he's not blond. Angels should be blond. But Oprah, Barbara, the 'Today' show, 'Hard Copy' - book the works! Don't mess this one up. I want that guy on the first plane to Chicago. Or does the birdman fly himself? I don't know if he uses the wings, but God, wouldn't that be a draw?! Anyway, don't worry - he's in safe hands. Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England. Don't fret, Malt. (Hangs up) He's in safe hands. In view of this development, should we call the girl off? No. Leave her where she is. I'm in a no-lose situation. (Laughs) (Laughs) 1 Heya, Mike. Michael. Have you, um... Have you ever seen the world's biggest ball of twine? No. Listen - we have to get back. I once saw the world's biggest cannonball. Mesopotamia. Wonder if it's still there. Mesopotamia isn't still there. Oh, nothing lasts. I have to ask a favour. (Clears throat) Huey and I - we're on a little bit of a losing streak. Quit. We can't quit. He's got a mortgage, three kids in a soccer camp. He's got a wife. He loves her, but she's burning a hole in his pocket. And I... Well... Love to fight - like me. We'll drive. Where? Chicago. Isn't that where you want to go? Yes! I know. That's why I wrote you. YOU wrote? I thought... Yeah. My idea. Oh. Why are we driving? I mean, why don't we fly? I mean, all of us together in a plane? Hup! It's safer - MUCH safer. Nobody believes it but, statistically, it's true. And the paper will pay. No. We need time. Time for what? Smokes? Smokes! Ah! Besides, I will get to see the world's largest ball of twine. It's on the way. Great. On one condition. You will owe me something. Money - yeah. I can't quote a figure but there will be plenty of money. Once the world sees pictures of these babies... No. You will owe me an apology. An apology for what? I mean, yeah, sure - I apologise. Whatever. Not now. When I say so. And no pictures. No pictures! Are you kidding me? Not until we get to Chicago. (Scoffs) Deal? Deal. Mmmmm. I like your coat better. It's yours. PLAYFUL COUNTRY AND WESTERN-STYLE MUSIC The world's biggest ball of twine is less than two hours from here. I would like to see it before sunset. Michael, they're going to exploit you. You have to know that. I'm going. Well, I'm not - for your sake. Yes, you are. Or I'll tell them the truth about you. What? I know why you're here. It has nothing to do with angels. How do YOU know? (Whispers) I pay attention. QUIRKY, PLAYFUL MUSIC CONTINUES Also, I would like you to sing. A song? Of course. Fine. I'll sing. Now? No. When I tell you to. GROOVY ELECTRIC GUITAR PLAYS SONG INTRO POUNDING DRUMS ENTER SONG: # There's a place up ahead and I'm goin' # Just as fast as my feet can fly # Come away, come away if you're goin' # Leave the sinking ship behind # Come on the risin' wind # We're goin' up around the bend # Ooh! # Bring a song and a smile for the banjo # Better get while the gettin's good # Hitch a ride to the end of the highway # Where the neons turn to wood # Come on the risin' wind # We're goin' up around the bend... # RADIO: In financial news, hog futures are down a quarter in Chicago and an eighth in Sioux City. Hog futures! In other developments... (Laughs) What? (Keeps laughing hysterically) "Hog futures are down a quarter"! Hey, what's the opposite of white? Black. Wrong - yolk! What...what was that, like, an egg joke?! Michael, when we stop to eat, are you gonna put your coat back on? Why? Your wings, Michael. People are gonna see your wings. Are you afraid they'll think less of you? (Laughs wheezily) No. They won't know what to think. A lot of people aren't as sophisticated as me and Huey. Oh! We don't want any trouble. We just want to get to Chicago. Mm-hm. He's worried somebody will try to steal his story. I am not worried. You are. Hey, hey - look what Pansy left us. Car Bingo! Oh, dig the propaganda. "The miles will fly and your children won't cry "if you play Car Bingo." All right, everybody gets one. Here we go - hand 'em out. What do we do? Here are the pencils. Instead of writing down a number, you write what you see on your trip. Dog. One point for me. That's not fair. You've played this before! Not fair - I'm driving. Deal with it. Bird on a wire. Picket fence. Policeman. EVERYONE: Where? Oh, that was good. Oh-ho! You gotta learn to laugh. It's the way to true love. # Come on the risin' wind # We're goin' up around the bend... # GROOVY GUITAR INSTRUMENTAL CONTINUES (Sparky barks) "The world's largest ball of twine has a circumference of 45 feet..." MALT: What's the excuse? It'll take longer, because we have to stay off the main highway. Fly. He won't fly. Why? He can't fit in coach seats. His wings take too much space. Wanna pay first class? Drive. "Eventually, it was transported here. "There is enough twine to stock 5,000 hardware stores..." DRAMATIC MUSIC BREWS (Breathes in deeply) Battle! MONUMENTAL MUSIC BUILDS We'll be there. Don't worry. What can happen? QUINLAN: Trust me - nothing. Michael! Don't fret, Malt. Quinlan! Michael! Michael! What are you DOING?! (Barks) BATTLE! (Snorts) DRAMATIC MUSIC WITH SPANISH FLAVOUR Michael! You know what that is? BATTLE! (Bellows) DRAMATICALLY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Michael, don't! (Growls) (Bellows) MUSIC STOPS Michael! (Bull groans) (Moans pitifully) Michael. (Laughs weakly) I am completely happy. (Chuckles) Are you all right? Oooh! Can you feel your legs? Oooh! (Chuckles) No injuries, 6,360 battles. Can you sit up? Of course I can sit up. (Sighs) Ah, now THAT - THAT is my nature. Yes - I am a grass roller. But I'm doomed to live in one place and crave the pleasures of another. But don't feel sorry for me. Why would we? Because this is my last blast. 26 - that's all we get. Thank you, Quinlan. For what? Do you think he's saying there's no sex in heaven? It's not polite to talk about someone in the third person when that person is here. I'm sorry. BARKING Sparky! What do you mean? "Last blast"? Only so many visits allowed. (Sighs) I'm gonna miss everything so much. Oh! (Breathes in deeply) Mmmm! GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS Why are you here? Why are you saying it has anything to do with me? Hmm! Sun was arguing with the North Wind - who was smarter, who was stronger. North Wind saw a man walking down the street. "I bet I can make that man take off his coat." "Go ahead," said the Sun. The more the North Wind blew, the tighter that man held the coat around himself. Then the Sun came out and smiled, and it became warmer. Man took off his coat. What is that supposed to mean? Did you make a bet about me? Well, I had to get back here somehow. Watch the wings there, buddy. (Grunts softly) BLUESY MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE SONG: # Sitting, thinking # Sinking, drinking # Wondering what I'll do when I'm through tonight... # That's not how you eat a lemon. How do you eat a lemon? You cut it in half. Put salt on it. That's how YOU eat a lemon. That's how you eat a lemon. Is this a rule? (Sniffs) Hey. Hey to you too. # She said, "My, my, my Don't tell a lie." # Thank you. Do you have pie? Do you have pie? No. BLUESY SONG CONTINUES I'm a writer too. Oh, really? What did you write? Psalm 85. It wasn't called Psalm 85 when I wrote it. I had no idea they'd be collected and numbered. Hmm. Yep, yep. It was right around the time I invented standing in line. You invented that? Mm-hm. Before, everybody just milled around. It was a mess! So, I said, "Why not make a line?" A line for what? To get in! Ask him what you want to know. What's that? Why don't angels solve big problems? That IS what I want to know. Why DON'T angels solve big problems? They can't change the nature of the world. What CAN you do? Small miracles - only so many. Some angels aren't so smart. They use them up in stupid ways. Like the parking space angel? (Chuckles) I don't like to criticise other angels. I'll be with you in a minute. THIS is how you eat a lemon. Hey. Excuse me. They want me. Now, remember what John and Paul said. The apostles? No - The Beatles. "All you need is love." Hello, l-ladies! COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONG PLAYS # I don't care if you love me anymore. # Do you believe in angels? Absolutely. Have you ever heard of an angel that's interested in sex? Of course not. Angels do not have sex. But is there one? And I suppose he invented standing in line. Sparky, I'm gonna take you for a walk. (Barks) Let's go. JUKEBOX: # I don't care if you love me anymore # When you never show... # MUSIC STOPS GROOVY GUITAR ARETHA FRANKLIN: # Chain chain chain... # Suzanne, what's going on? # Chain chain chain... # Hey, Suzanne! # Chain chain chain # Chain of fools # For five long years # I thought you were my man # But I found out # I'm just a link in your chain # Ohhhh # You got me where you want me # I ain't nothin' but your fool # You treated me mean # Oh, you treated me cruel # Chain chain chain # Chain chain chain # Chain of fools # Every chain # Has got a weak link # I might be weak, child # But I gave you strength # Oh, yeah # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh # You tell me to leave you alone # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh # My father said come on home # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh # My doctor said take it easy # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh # But your loving is much too strong # I'm wedded to ya... # Follow me, ladies. # Chain chain chain... # Follow me. # Chain chain chain # Chain chain chai-ai-ai-ain # Chain of fools # Ohhh # One of these mornings # That chain is gonna break... # (Howls) # But up until then... # I invented the hole in the coffee cup. When you get coffee to go. I was THE first person to rip that little hole in the lid so you can drink it in the car. Could've made a fortune. It's weird. What? She's an angel expert, but... What? GLASS BREAKS (Michael yells) BATTLE! PLAYFUL GUITAR MUSIC MAN: Come on! Hah! Hah! For God's sake! Michael, stop! WHAM! COMICAL INSTRUMENTAL COUNTRY MUSIC Hey, you... FUNKY GUITAR FINGERING Battle! You better believe it. COMICAL BATTLE MUSIC RESUMES Ugh! (Women scream) Ugh! It's caramels. He smells like caramels. It's cotton candy. It's cookies. He smells like cookies. The smell gets stronger when he's in heat. GONG SOUND RINGS OUT BATTLE MUSIC CONTINUES VICTORIOUS MUSICAL FLOURISH SIRENS WAIL Yee-ah! You're a great fighter. I certainly am. I'm cold. My head hurts. You folks from the 'National Mirror'? I've got a two-headed chicken, if you're interested. What are we being held for? Destruction of property. Assault, battery and disturbing the peace. The magistrate will be here in the morning. Your Honour, I'm not involved. Goodnight. Hey, hey, hey! Hey! We have a phone call coming to us. Hey! DOOR SHUTS (Whoops and hollers) Ralph got thrown in jail. He had the decency to keep me out of it. I don't want to sleep here. I hate you. What? You hate me? Not you. You hate me? Not you. Process of elimination. Who's Ralph? Another husband...has popped up. Maybe Sparky can get us out. Hey, Sparky! Go in the drawer and get the key. Sparky. Go in the drawer and get the key. Dorothy can make him do it. Dorothy's good with dogs. I have noticed this. Dogs don't talk. They don't shave. They don't run off in your Camero. When you want them to take a bath, you just make an appointment. You know, sit! Stay. Roll over. No! (Laughs) Now. What? Apologise. Say you're sorry. To her? Be serious. Or...I'm not going to... (Sings) # Chicago, Chicago # That toddlin' town # The toddlin' town # Chicago, Chicago # I'll show you around # You'll love it... # Sorry. (Dorothy cries) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. OK? Dorothy. (Sniffs) TENDER COUNTRY MUSIC You cold? Here, take my blanket, OK? I'm going to sleep. Me too. TENDER COUNTRY MUSIC CONTINUES (Sighs) SNORING SNORING STOPS SNORING RESUMES All rise. All rise. The Court of Bickel County is now in session, the Honourable Judge Esther Neuberg presiding. Please rise. (Judge clears throat) Be seated. Now, you are charged with... ..disturbing the peace, destruction of property... $1,200 worth. I know. I spoke to Jenny. Who's...er...Jenny? That's his wife. She told me that sweet little painting above the bar - two moose hunters in a canoe - smashed to smithereens. That is so sad. Yep. Isn't this a conflict of interest? Did I say you could speak? I know someone who restores paintings. I told Jenny to stop crying. I will take care of it. Now, who can tell me exactly what happened las... ..last night? I can. (Sniffs) Anyone else? We were having dinner... Not you. If I may... Put your hand down. You. Please. In chambers. CLERK: All rise. All rise. The Court of Bickel County, Judge Esther Neuberg presiding, is now in recess. Please rise. (Sniffs) LANGUOROUS MUSIC SPRIGHTLY MUSIC (Sings) # Love, love, love # Boom-ba-boom # Love, love, love # Boom-ba-boom # Love, love, love # It's easy # All you need is love # Ba-ba-da-da-da # All you need is love # Da-da-da-da-da # All you need is love, love # Love is all you need # There's nothing you can know that isn't known # There's nothing you...no-one you can say that can't be said... # # Nothing you can sing that can't be sung # Nothing you can say (Both sing) # But you can learn how to play the game - it's easy # All you need is love # Ba-ba-da-da-da... # Come on, sing! (Three sing) # All you need is love... # Not you, not yet. # Ba-ba-da-da-da # All you need is love, love... # Just the guys! Come on, fellers. # Love is all you need... # # Love is all you need... # Bring it down. # Love is all you need # Love is all you need (Three sing) # Love is all you need # Love is all you need # Love is all you need # Love is all you need... # MICHAEL: Hey! Wait a minute. Wait, wait. "Meansborough, one mile." So? So that's where the world's largest non-stick frying pan is. Oh, no, Michael, we are not stopping to see the world's largest non-stick frying pan. Why not? Because we have to get back. Well, me too, but before that happens I would like to see the world's largest non-stick frying pan. It's on the way. He gets us in trouble. But he gets us out of trouble. BOTH: Huey! What? Well, he does! I mean, that judge just took one look at him - what is that? What is it about you? What? As a woman, could you explain that to me? How should I know? I'm not attracted to him. No offence, Michael. I put a block on you. Oh, sure! I did. All right, to continue. "Presumably this frying pan was coated with teflon "to save a wee bit on the amount of cholesterol "ingested by the town of Meansborough every year "when they get together to honour the egg." Michael, we're not stopping. You have 10 seconds to change your mind. 10 hippopotamus. Nine hippopotamus. Eight hippopotamus... How much more attractive is he than I am? Honestly? Huey, that's not healthy. Six hippopotamus. Five hippopotamus. Four hippopotamus. (Yells) Three, two, one! EXPLOSION FOLLOWED BY HISSING 'SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER' PLAYS There's no jack! Of course, there's no jack. Just ask him to fix it. He blew it. He can fix it. Fix this tyre! Come back here this instant and fix this tyre! No can do. I miss my wife. I don't miss any of my husbands. Although Bradley was handy with a jack. He had to be. I don't want to ask - why? His tyres were bald. His tyres were bald - so was his head. I wish he'd call but now he's dead. He's not dead and he wasn't bald. Poetic licence. (Sings) # His tyres were bald # And they went flat # And so did our love and that was that. # (Laughs softly) Maybe you could write a song about my wife. Do you love her? Oh... Hey, she drives me wild. What about her? She had her lips done. Had little bits of fat squeezed into them. Now my wife has lips like a blowfish. But in a good way. (Sings) # My wife has lips like a blowfish... # I don't see it but, you know, I could be wrong. If I had talent as a country singer, I wouldn't be sitting here. (Sings) # Sitting on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere... # Sounds awfully familiar. It's good, though. This is one godforsaken road. I'll bet you no-one ever comes down it. MAGICAL MUSIC Yeah, well, they won't stop, though. 'SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER' PLAYS Hi, there. Bet you need a jack. I spun around and the next thing, he came as a hundred mouths, open and stinking with decay. And he tore at my flesh from every angle of heaven. So I grabbed Beelzebub's blue tongue in my fist. Whoa, man, who's Beelzebub? Beelzebub is Satan. Oh. Satan. FRANK: Michael, get in the car. BANJO VERSION OF 'YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE' (Man sings) # You are my sunshine, my only sunshine # You make me happy when skies are grey # You'll never know, dear... # What'll it be, folks? # How much I love you... # Do you have pie? Do we have pie? You're in the pie capital of America. Well, we want...we want pie. What have you got? I got them memorised. OK, ready? We got apple - of course - banana cream, coconut cream, sour cream raisin. We got... Chocolate cream? Definitely...chocolate...cream. And... ..strawberry rhubarb pie. And cherry and lemon meringue. We want two slices of everything. And vanilla ice-cream on the side. Ooh, yeah. Thank you. COUNTRY SONG INTRODUCTION (Sings) # Crazy arms that reach to hold somebody new... # WAITRESS: That's chocolate cream. Oh, bliss. Bliss. That's banana cream and that's coconut cream. Everybody, get out of my banana cream pie. That's...that's the pie. What is it? What is this pie? That's the sour cream raisin. Very under-rated pie. Lemon meringue pie. DOROTHY: I have great chocolate pie. Lemon meringue. What is it about pie? There's nothing prettier than pie with the little scalloped edges around the sides and those slits so the heat escapes. Pie gives you the sense you're a four-square person living in a four-square country. Pie says home. As American as apple pie! I wish I invented pie. I did. I'm just kidding! That was a good one. "God's in his heaven and all's right with the world." Mmm, my mother made a great... Blueberry pie. Yes. So do I. I have to say I like cream pie more than fruit pie. Me too. That is so wrong. I like them all. I like you. (Laughs) Dorothy, sing your song about pie. DESULTORY APPLAUSE FOR SONG JUST FINISHING You have a song about pie? Actually, I do. Sing, Dorothy. Now. (Sings) # Pie, pie, me, oh, my # Nothing tastes sweet, wet, salty and dry # All at once so well as pie # Apple, pumpkin, mince and blackbottom # I'll come to your place every day if you've got 'em # Pie, me, oh, my, I love pie. # LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's great. Sing another song. Oh. It's, um...it's in B flat. It's pretty basic but watch out for the ritard down there, OK? (Clears throat) Oh. MICROPHONE WHINES (Clears throat) Hi. I'm nervous. Oh, this is... Forgive me, it's a work in progress. Don't apologise, Dorothy. OK? OK. MAN: One, two... GENTLE INTRODUCTION (Sings) # I'm sitting by the side of the road in the middle of nowhere # I don't know where I'm going # But I hope I know it when I get there # Thinking about how love never works out # I guess that's the way it goes # And how this story ends only heaven knows # I always thought there was an angel watching over me # But even angels sometimes make mistakes # As you will see # 'Cause I've had my share of bad love affairs # In fact, I married three # So here's my little story about Miles, Ralph and Bradley # Miles made me smile # Till he stole my Camero # Ralph made me laugh until I cried # And Bradley, oh, I loved him madly # But his tyres were bald # And they went flat # And so did our love and that was that # Now, I'm sitting in the middle of nowhere by the side of the road # And one of these days, I'll find true love # And learn how to say no # I know in the past my love didn't last # As I guess this story shows # Where was my angel then? # Only heaven knows # Where was my angel then? # Only heaven knows. # WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE CHEERING BAND PLAYS 'DREAM' BY JOHNNY MERCER When I went to college, I was published. You were published? Yeah, I was published. I mean, kind of. It was like a yearly thing...poems, you know. Yeah, that's great. That's great. Yeah, that's really great. It's cold, huh? Yeah. I'm in there. This is Huey's room. Where are you? I'm in four. Where is that? It's up there. Where exactly? On the corner. On the corner, right there? Mm-hm. Directly over my room? Ah. Hmm. Um... It was great. Really great. (Clears throat) It was great. Goodnight. Er...goodnight. ROMANTIC MUSIC It was... (Woman sings) # Something in your eyes # Makes me want to lose myself # Makes me want to lose myself # In your arms # There's something in your voice... # What are you... what are you doing tonight? Not much. Do you want to come to my room? Why don't you come to mine? That's...that's a good idea. Mmm. # The rest of my life... # (Clears throat) # If you knew how lonely my life has been # And how low I've felt so long # If you knew how I wanted someone to come along # And change my life... # I have to tell you something. I know. I'm not... Ever falling in love with anyone again. I know. # It feels like home to me # It feels like home to me # It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from # It feels like home to me # It feels like home to me # It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong. # (Barks) Oh, OK. OK. SPRIGHTLY COUNTRY MUSIC DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES OUTSIDE (Waitress giggles) Come here, Sparky. Come on. Come on, Sparky. (Continues giggling) Yes. Wings? Far out! (Giggles) Some angel. GENTLE MUSIC (Man sings) # I see trees of green # Red roses too # I see them bloom for me and you # And I think to myself # "What a wonderful world" # I see skies of blue # And clouds of white # The bright blessed day # And the dark sacred night # And I think to myself # "What a wonderful world" # And I think to myself # "What a wonderful world." # I needed the job. Good morning. What exactly are we talking about here? At the paper. That's what I tried to tell you last night. That's why I'm here. I don't make excuses for working there. There's no reason for you to. Here's a confession. You wanna hear a confession? Yours? I needed the job too. (Chuckles) No-one would touch me after what happened at the 'Tribune'. What did happen? Oh. I hit the managing editor. Why? He fired this really sweet old guy who'd been there for, like, 27 years. Really? No. He changed my lead. You hit him because he changed your lead? No. It was late, I was drunk. It makes no difference where I work. I bet you have a half-finished novel in your desk drawer. She got the desk. (Sighs) Are you keeping something from me? I'm not ethical. Just because you write about angels for a supermarket tabloid? Are you keeping some angel experience from me? If you are, I forgive you. I think I could forgive you anything. This was not a mistake. Don't say that you think this was a mistake. I couldn't bear it. (Sings quietly) # We're here because # We're here because # We're here because we're here... # It's going well. It's a difficult case, though. To give a man back his heart. (Exhales loudly) Listen. BIRDS TWITTER (Sighs) Listen to the earth. SWEET BIRDSONG (Sighs wistfully) I'm going to miss everything SO much! SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC (Cries) (Whimpers softly) And remember, Sparky, no matter what they tell you, you can never have too much sugar. Dorothy! Quinlan! Good morning, Michael! Good morning, Sparky! (Barks excitedly) (Shouts) Sparky, no! (Yells) NO! (Shrieks) Sparky's all right. He's all right. (Cries) He's all right. (Quietly) No. (Groans) Oh! (Sobs) (Cries) Oh, I killed him. It's not your fault. It's ALL my fault. I'm so sorry, Huey. I'm so sorry. (Cries) You didn't do anything wrong. SAD MUSIC Do something. It isn't my area. What IS your area?! Explain it to me! Will somebody tell me exactly... ..what is his area? I don't know anything about his area. That's what I've tried to tell you. What? I don't know anything about angels. I'm a dog trainer. That's why I was hired. To train Sparky? And then... And then after... We screw up with the angel and Malt gets the dog. I get Huey's job. I didn't know you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry too. Bring him back to life. Don't give me that "It isn't my area" stuff. Bring him back to life or go back where you came from. Bring him back... ..angel. (Sighs deeply) DRAMATIC MUSIC MAGICAL MUSIC (Sparky whimpers softly) JOYFUL MUSIC (Barks excitedly) TRIUMPHANT MUSIC I don't have much longer. 1 1 1 (Moans) (Moans softly) (Whimpers) (Licks and cries) TYRES SCREECH We're here, Michael. We're here. (Firmly) Michael... ..look up. "The Sears Tower in Chicago is the world's tallest building. "It stands 14,054 feet above street level "and contains enough concrete for an eight-lane highway." (Moans ecstatically) (Moans and gasps) Quinlan, I'm so sorry. I didn't do what I came for. I didn't finish. I'm so sorry. (Sighs) Goodbye. Goodbye, Michael. Thank you for everything. Thank you for letting me have a little fun. Goodbye, my battling friend. Goodbye, world's biggest angel. Godspeed. (Moans) (Gasps softly) HEAVENLY MUSIC FLUTTER OF WINGS 'SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER' PLAYS You're late! We know. Where's the angel? Yeah, it was a hoax. A hoax?! A hoax. Definitely a hoax. He had detachable wings. And a pipe-cleaner halo. And he smelled of cookies. Just kidding. So! I win! You're fired. And I get the dog. (Growls) Come here, Sparky. Come on, my little sausage. You come to your daddy. (Snarls) Ow! You bastard! Sparky, now, come on! Listen, Sparky. Sparky! (Barks) I love you! (Snaps) (Growls) Eugh! Hey, listen, get the mutt out, will ya? Like that dog could be gotten out! That's the worst dog I've met. You said you could train any dog. She was wrong. I'm stuck with these two because of a dog? You're stuck with Mr Driscoll, not with me. There's a guy with a two-headed chicken near Cedar Rapids. Yeah, OK. Hey, where you going? Hey, Quinlan?! (Shouts) Hey! Hey, Quinlan, where you going? (Yaps) Hey! Hey... Get off me! (Growls) Listen, Quinlan! What I said - don't take it personally! You're the best reporter I have! I'm out of here! (Shouts) Hey! So you're just gonna leave? Yep. You don't wanna talk about it? Nope. Hey, come on! Talk to me, eh? Well, disagree with me. Argue me out of it. (Laughs) Let's have a fight. Come on! Fight me, eh? LIFT BELL RINGS Quinlan, you're the only one that ever fought with me here. Who am I gonna fight with? Help me! It isn't my area. Wait! I'm sorry. Please stop! Please stop and talk to me. I appreciate what you said up there. I thank you. I'll see you around. You said... You said you could forgive me anything. I forgive you. We had a good time. What are you so upset about? (Vaguely) Oh. It's you. I remember you. I thought you were gone. CHRISTMAS TREE BELLS TINKLE LIGHT, SMOKY JAZZ CHILDREN LAUGH AND CHATTER SONG: # I took a trip on a train and I thought about you # I passed a shadowy lane and I thought about you # Two or three cars parked under the stars... # Good evening, uh, buona sera. Um, for our specialties tonight, we have angel hair pasta with a pomodoro salsa, capellini primavera - it's a melange of vegetables over, ah, angel hair pasta. Ah, finally, a light sauce with limone and parsley. Is tossed with angel hair pasta. Anything else? Yes. We want one pumpkin nut muffin, and...? A piece of angel food cake. They don't have angel food cake. Do you? No. # And what did I do? I thought about you # Mmmm! And I thought about you # And I thought about you # There were two or three cars parked under the stars # A winding stream # Moon shining down on some little town # And with each beam the same old dream # Oh, I thought about you # And I really felt blue # And then I peeked through the crack # And I looked at that track # One going back to you # And what did I do? JAZZ TRUMPET FLOURISH # I thought about you. # So, did you ever tell anyone about the...? I was going to. I couldn't wait to get home to tell Valerie. And then, I opened my mouth... ..and the words...wouldn't come out. I take a breath, I even open my mouth a second time. Nothing. As far as I'm concerned, it never happened. Oh, but we saw it. We were there. It never happened. So, what are you up to? I'm back on the novel. If it didn't happen, where's your raincoat? What is this, "If it happened"?! If it happened, then I've gotta believe that some day I'll be walking down the street and some unknown force will make me turn right instead of turning left and at that moment, a car is going to come round the corner with the woman of my dreams in it, and blow a flat... TYRE BLOWS AND HISSES ..right there, next to where I'm standing. You know? (Crunches nuts) Could never happen. BRAKES SCREECH TYRE BLOWS AND HISSES (Chuckles) Need any help? No. Thanks. No, we're cool. (Chuckles) BELLS TINKLE SOFTLY MAGICAL MUSIC SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC MAGICAL MUSIC EXCITING MUSIC Michael! Michael, wait! (Gasps) Oooph! What are you doing here? I live here. I live two blocks from here. I was on my way home and I thought I saw... He came around this corner. That corner. GENTLE MUSIC BELLS TINKLE I love you, Dorothy. I love you. Marry me. No. Marry me, please! No! Marry me, Dorothy. (Weakly) No. (Laughs) Oh, my darling Dorothy, will you marry me? Yes, yes! BELLS TINKLE, CHURCH BELL RINGS Let's go home. You know, Pansy, I invented marriage. My God! Well, I did. Before that, you should've seen it. Everybody was so mixed up, they didn't know what to do. So I said, "Have a ceremony." Hmm! Let's go home. INTRO TO VAN MORRISON'S 'BRIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD' SONG: # From the dark end of the street... # Do you smell something? There's a bakery near here. # To the bright side of the road # We'll be lovers once again # On the bright side of the road # Little darlin' come with me # Will you help me share my load? # From the dark end of the street # To the bright side of the road # And into this life we're born # Baby, sometimes # Sometimes I don't know why # And time seems to go by so fast # In the twinkling of an eye # Let's enjoy it while we can # Let's enjoy it while we can # Will you help me share my load? # Help me share my load # From the dark end of the street # To the bright side of the road # Oh, we'll be... # We'll be lovers once again # On the bright side of the road. # BREEZY ACOUSTIC GUITAR INTRO SONG: # You were dreaming on a park bench # About a broad highway somewhere # When the music from the carillon seemed to hurl your heart out there # Past the scientific darkness # Past the fireflies that float # To an angel bending down to wrap you in his warmest coat # When you ask, "What am I not doing?" # He says, "Your voice cannot command. # "But in time, you will move mountains # "It will come through your hands." # So whatever your hands find to do # You must do it with all your heart # There are thoughts enough to blow men's minds # And tear great worlds apart # There's a healing touch to find you # On that broad highway somewhere # To lift you high as music flying # Through the angels' hair # So don't ask what you are not doing # Because your voice cannot command # In time, you will move mountains # It will come... # ..through your hands. # SLINKY PIANO INTRO SONG: # Now ain't it a shame all the tears that people cry? # We ain't got it right in all of these years (Speaks) Sorry, darlin'. # There must be a way to live a better life # And break all these chains and get out of here # You've got to love God # You've got to love yourself # You've got to love your brother # And everybody else # And you've got to walk that walk # You can't just talk the talk # You've got to love God # And everybody else # Heard some people say that all we need is love # It sounds so simple but it's true # Well maybe today we will rain down love from above # And wash us clean and make us new # But you've got to love God # You've got to love yourself # You've got to love, got to love God # And everybody else # Hey, # I want to believe # I've got to believe # I want to be true # I wanna be true # I wanna see and hear it come # I want you to see it too Now! # You've got to love # I wanna love my neighbour # You've gotta L-O-V-E God # And everybody E-L-S-E! # You've got to love # Love yourself. #