* Right, let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy, and those who trust me from the ones who don't. Cos if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping; you're up here shoplifting. These goods have never seen daylight, moonlight, Israelite, or Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag home. I did last night, it cost me a lot more than �10. Anyone like jewellery? Look at that one. Handmade in Italy, hand stolen in Stepney. As long as my arm, but I wish it was as long as something else. These boxes are sealed but not empty. Only undertakers sell empty boxes. And by the look of you, I'd make more money with my measuring tape. �10. Did you say �10? Are you deaf? I'll take one. Squeeze in. Left leg, right leg. They call it walking. You want one, darling? They're waking up. Treat the wife, treat somebody else's wife. It's more fun that way. Show me some life. Don't look like one o'clock half struck. You better buy 'em. These are not stolen, they just haven't been paid for. It's no good coming back when I've sold out. "Too late" will be the cry when I have passed you by. You'll be crying tears as big as October cabbages. Bacon, cozzers! # "Hundred Mile High City" ` Ocean Colour Scene Shit! # So I said, "I'm on the roam, so I need a car" # And I know that I'm getting alive # And I say I've got faith and a season... NARRATOR: 'Ed could hustle a few quid here and there, but his real talent lies in cards and gambling with cards.' 'Bacon could see that his days of selling moody goods are numbered.' 'It's time to move on and he knows it.' # So I said, "I'm on the roam, so I need a car" # And I know that I'm staying alive # And I know my faith is in season Look, what are you talking about? I'm bloody skinny, pal. Yeah, yeah, of course you are. All right, Ed? Nick, always a pleasure. Tom, what have you been eating? Enough, already! You two, join me in my office. So er... how much is it, Tom? You know how much it is, Nick. And that includes the amp? No, that does not include the amp. I thought it included the amp? Well, it doesn't. I'll throw in a telephone, but it does not include the amp. Very nice! I hope it includes the speakers? It doesn't include the speakers, and it's not supposed to include me getting the hump. If you want it, buy it. - What else do I get? - A gold-plated Rolls Royce if you pay for it! I don't know, it seems expensive. Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time. That is �900 in any shop, and you're complaining about �200? Where did you study finance? It's a deal, it's a steal, it's sale of the fucking century! In fact, fuck it, Nick! I think I'll keep it. All right, keep your alans on! - Here's a ton. - (BOTH) Jesus Christ! That could choke 12 donkeys! And you're haggling over �100?! When you're not buying stereos, do you finance revolutions? �100 is still �100. Not when the price is �200. You've got Liberia's deficit there. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Come on, let me feel the fibre of your fabric. NARRATOR: 'The skinny one is Tom, he's the entrepreneur of the bunch.' 'He's got dirty little fingers in a couple of dirty little pies.' 'Nick has made it his business to have all 20 fat fingers and toes in every bent pie in London.' 'Between them, there ain't much you can't get hold of.' That's my twenty five grand. It took a long time to earn, so treat it with respect. What about the chef? What have you come as? Cupid, stupid! That's the last time I get fruit off of you, Tom. There was more small hairy things than there was fruit. You should open a butchers! If you order stuff from Kathmandu, it will pick up tourists en route. Anyway, where's the money? Oi! Keep your fingers out of my soup! NARRATOR: 'Soap is called Soap because he keeps his hands clean.' 'He's proud of the fact that his job is legal.' 'He represents the sensible side of the four.' You sure you can afford twenty-five? That depends on how you look at it. I can as long as I see it again. You got the rest from the Fat Man and Bacon? Fat Man, Bacon and myself. Time to make that call to Harry. Who's this Fat Man, then, eh? Eh? Do you want a sandwich, Bacon? NARRATOR: 'It's not easy to take a seat at this card table.' 'A hundred grand upwards has to be involved, and there's no shortage of punters.' 'The man who decides if you can play is this man, Harry, or as some like to call him, Hatchet Harry.' You got it all? One hundred grand. Well, if you got it, you got it. Now, if you don't mind,... What's this Eddie like, then? He's a fucking thief! NARRATOR: 'Harry has a colleague, Barry the Baptist.' 'He got his name drowning people for Hatchet.' - Are you gonna pay? - Yeah, I'll pay! 'Barry makes sure the admin side of the business runs harmoniously.' The boy's got a rare ability. He seems to make cards transparent. All right, so we can say he's good. He's better than good, he's a fucking liability! - Hold on. What do you think of these? We're selling hundreds. - Very nice, Harry. What's it for? Don't play the innocent. Spanking! There's twenty five from me, Tom, Soap and yourself. It's a hundred grand. - Why are you fucking counting it? - Because I like to. A reasonable return should be �120,000. - That's for �25,000, going on previous experience. - Going on optimism. It'll be enough to send you on a cooking course. You're not funny, Tom. - You're fat and should be, but you're not. - Fat? Who are you calling ` Jesus! It's good in here. Handy for the tube. - I can see why you moved in. - Don't knock it, it's "cheap" like a budgie. Nobody wants to live next to the people we do. - They're anti-social at best. - What do you mean? They're thieving bastards. They rip off unfortunate souls of their hard-earned drugs. Not exactly thick these walls. Nice work, John. Is that it? I've told you, find us a job worth doing, and your share will improve. Have you got a problem with that? # "Police And Thieves" ` Junior Murvin # Police and thieves in the street # Oh, yeah! # Fighting the nation with their guns and ammunition... You know, Charles, this gear is getting heavier. (COUGHS) I suspect we should've been rocket scientists or Nobel Peace Prize winners... or something. Peace Prize? You'd be lucky to find your penis for a piss the amount you smoke. (BUZZER) Who the hell's that? All right, Willie? Does it look like I'm all right? Take this. I'm in danger of breaking sweat at any second. Charles, why have we got that cage? That's security. That's right. That's right. Security. What's the point in having it if we're not fucking gonna use it? I would have used it, Winston, but Willie lives here. Yes, Charles, but you didn't know that until you opened the door. Chill, Winston. It's me. Charlie knows it's me. What's the problem? (LAUGHS) The problem is, Willie, that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So keep the fucking cage locked! What is that?! That's Gloria. I know that's Gloria. What's that? Er... fertiliser. You left six hours ago to buy a money counter, and you come back with a comatose Gloria and fertiliser? Alarm bells are ringing, Willie. - We need fertiliser. - We also need a money counter. This money's gotta be out by Thursday. I'm not counting it. If you do have to buy fertiliser, could you be a little more subtle? What do you mean? We grow copious amounts of ganja here? Yeah. And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertiliser. You don't look like your average horti-fucking-culturalist! - # "The Boss" ` James Brown - # One, two, get down! # Paid the cost to be the boss # Paid the cost to be the boss # I paid the cost to be the boss... - How long's he been in there, son? - About... twenty minutes. Is he on his own? Yeah, just carrying a bag. Let's pay him a little visit, then, shall we? NARRATOR: 'Big Chris settles debts for Harry.' 'The only thing he cares more about than an unsettled debt is his son and heir, Little Chris.' # Look at me # Know what you see? # You see a bad mother # Huh! Shhh! This is one of them high-powered jobs, innit? (GROANS) Got some bad news for you, John. What the fuck? Mind your language in front of the boy. Jesus Christ! That includes blasphemy as well. How can you be concentrating on improving this lovely tan, when you've got more pressing priorities at hand? Tell Harry ` I mean, Mr Harry, that I've been busy. I'm nearly there. Check his locker, son. I don't suppose there's any chance of you lifting this up, Chris? He's not poor. He's got over a monkey here in his wallet. Fucking hell, John! You always walk around with that? Oi! ` Don't use language like that again. ` Sorry, Dad. Put the rest of the stuff in that. You can go home in a plastic bag tonight, John. You owe what you owe. And by the time this tan's faded, you wanna have paid. - They never pay. - Who would? Exactly. We had to do certain things... What the hell are you doing here? Why? What's up? Let me guess, my foot in your arse? Game of cards? Hatchet Harry? You're supposed to be getting your rest in. Are you playing cards tonight, son? With Harry? Don't be silly, Dad. I wouldn't have anything to do with that. 'Where did he get a hundred grand?' His mates are like brothers. They've tossed it up. - And JD is his dad and owns the whole property? - No mortgage, no debts. Lock, stock, the fucking lot! Don't worry, I've got it under control. Good. Get this under control now. Lord Appleton Smythe is skint. These beauties are up for sale. But I'm not paying �250,000 for 'em, if you know what I mean, Barry? Make sure we get everything. I don't care who you use, as long as they're not Muppets. Don't tell 'em what they're worth. # "Spooky" ` Dusty Springfield # In the cool of the evening # When everything is getting kinda groovy... Right, where was we? Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot? You must be the brains. That's right. Bring everything from inside the gun cabinet. There'll be a load of old guns, that's all I want. Everything outside the cabinet is yours. Thanks. There'd better be something for us. It's a fucking stately home! There'll be something for you. - Like fucking antiques! - What the fuck do we know about antiques? - We rob post offices. - And steal cars. What do we know about antiques? If it's old, it's worth money, simple. So stop fucking moaning and rob the place! So who's the gov? Who are we doing this for? You're doing it for me is all you need to know. You know, because you need to know. I see. One of those on a "need to know basis" things, is it? Like one of those James Bond films. Careful. Remember who's giving you this job. Right, I'm off. Call me when you're done. Ta-ta. Fucking northern monkeys! I hate these fucking southern fairies! # You always keep me guessing # I never seem to know what you are thinking... NARRATOR: 'Ed has been playing cards since he was small.' 'He has a big advantage, it's not that he's good with cards, it's that he's good with reading people's reactions.' 'And everybody has reactions.' - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - 'Especially when it comes to money.' # And hold my hand # Love is kinda crazy # With a spooky little boy like you # Spooky! Invitations? - Invitations? - Yeah. Invitations. You know, four pieces of paper with your names on. We've got 100,000 bits with the Queen on. Will that do? OK, just you. The others can wait in Samoan Joe's. Samoan Joe's? You mean the pub? Hold on ` Hold your fucking tongue and I'll hold my patience. No one in here tonight but card players. And I mean no one. Evening, Frazer. Don, Phil. It's a bit dramatic, innit? Is this supposed to be symbolic? - It's for security. - Yeah? I'd have brought my gloves if I'd have known. You must be Eddie, JD's son? You must be Harry. Sorry, didn't know your father. You just might meet him if you carry on like that. Evening, Tanya. It's been a while. All right, Ed? (SCREAMS) Argh! (SIGHS) - We call each other Kenny. OK, Gary? ` All right, Kenny. Are you gonna put your stocking on? I've just spent �120 on my hair. I'm not pulling a stocking over it. You'll have to put something on. Three card brag, gentlemen. Three three's are highest, then three aces, then down. Then a running flush, a run, a flush and a pair. An open man can't see a blind man. It costs twice the ante to see your opponent. Now, don't fuck around, fellas, you know I won't stand for it. (CLOCK CHIMES) What are you doing? Put that back! We're here to rob the guns. Put it back! It's crap, anyway. Come on. Come 'head! - What sort of pub is this, then? - It's a Samoan pub. What's that? - You asked for a cocktail. - No. I asked for a refreshing drink, not a fucking rainforest! You could fall in love with an orang-utan in that! You want a pint, go to the pub. I thought this was a pub? It's a Samoan pub. Get your man to turn the TV down. If I was you, I'd leave him well alone. - Get rid of that. Bring us a coke. - Excuse me, can you turn that TV down? No. (TV) "Loco into midfield." (ALL) Whooooooo! (WHIMPERS) Whoa! Whoa, Kenny! What are you doing? I am trying to find out where they keep their money! You twat! Can't you see these people have got no money? They can't afford new furniture. We've got the guns, what's the matter with you? Every time we do a job, you have to go burning people's feet. What's wrong with you? You wanna be more careful. You nearly took my man's head off. Are you all right, Kenny? Kenny? Ten grand, blind. Twenty grand, open. Deep end, eh? Fold. Gotcha! Twenty grand, open. I fold. Don't go spending that all at once, boy. - Cor! Bloody hell! - (PHONE RINGS) What? - You said there'd be no staff! - Did you get those guns? You wanna see what they did to poor Gary! Gary! Gary! I said, did you get those guns? Yes! We got them! Good. I'll speak to you later. Gary, if you can hear me get back in the car now, mate. OK? Barry. Barry! Fucking, sodding, shandy-drinking bastard! Gary! - # "Liar, Liar" ` The Castaways - # Liar, liar, pants on fire # Your nose is longer than a telephone wire # Ask me, baby, why I'm sad # You've been out all night # You know you've been bad # Don't tell me different, you know it's a lie # Come to me, honey, see how I cry # Why must you hurt me? # And do what you do? # Listen here, girl, can't you see I love you? # Make a little effort # Try to be true # I'll be happy, not so blue # (SCREAMS) # Liar, liar, pants on fire # Your nose is longer than a telephone wire # You keep on telling me those lies # Still going out with other guys... Give me my money! Give me back my money, you slags! # Take my advice it won't be long You give me my money! Give me back my money! Give it back! Wankers! Come on! Not now, please! Not now! Oh, you fucking bastard! He's a bastard! Oh my good God! We'll take you to the cleaners. Twenty grand, open. Thirty thousand. Back to you already, Eddie. Fifty grand. Eighty grand. One hundred grand. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Look, fellas, I know ` You're not in. Which means no one cares what you know. Two hundred and fifty. That's quite a raise. - That's one hundred and fifty on my one hundred? - Yeah. And is there anything else you want to say? This puts us in an awkward position. I don't have enough to continue. We'll have to see your cards if no one loans Eddie the money to continue. I will. You will what? I will loan you the money. No, I think I'd rather just turn them over. I'm not interested. I want to keep going. I'm also offering you the money. We don't have to turn 'em over because you can borrow. I need two hundred and fifty grand! No, you need five hundred grand to see me. That's if I want to see you. Well, you'll have a problem carrying on, won't you? I'll see you. OK,... before I loan you this, I expect, if you lose of course, my money back within a week. Crystal? That's Sunday. OK? Is that it? Now let's see his fucking cards! # "I Wanna Be Your Dog" ` The Stooges # So messed up, I want you here # In my room, I want you here # Now we're gonna be face to face # And I'll lay right down in my favourite place # And now I wanna be your dog # And now I wanna be your dog # And now I wanna be your dog (RETCHES) # Well, come on! Hello, boy, feeling a bit poorly? I know your friends are responsible for most of the cash, so I'm gonna give you one week to find it. Otherwise, I will take a finger off all of your hands for every day that passes without payment. And, when you run out of digits, your dad's bar, and who knows what then? - All right, my son? - (RETCHES) # "Why Did You Do It?" ` Stretch # I've been thinking about what you have done to me # The damage is much deeper than you'll ever see # Hit me like a hammer to my head This doesn't look good. # I wonder were you pushed or were you led? # NARRATOR: 'He explained the position they were in.' 'Harry would size up their fingers in a week, because he knew Ed couldn't settle the debt.' 'It was their money on the table, so it was also their debt off the table.' 'Ed could have kissed the old bastard for that.' 'To say he wanted to settle the debt alone would have been a lie.' I wish to Christ he would have let me settle the debt on my own. I'm gonna kill him! Stop fucking about, Tom! Think about what we're gonna do. Now sit down! What's all the fuss about Harry? Why don't we just boycott the payment? Let me tell you about Harry. 'This geezer called Smithy Robinson worked for Harry.' 'Rumour was he was on the take.' Harry asked him to explain. 'Smithy didn't do a very good job.' Within a minute, Harry's lost his rag, grabbed a fifteen-inch black rubber cock. He's battered poor Smithy to death with it. Now that was seen as a pleasant way to go. Hence, Hatchet Harry is a man you pay if you owe. Don't worry, I'll think of something. # I've been thinking about what you have done to me # The damage is much deeper than you'll ever see # Hit me like a hammer to my head # I wonder were you pushed or were you led? # Why did you do it? # Why did you do that thing to me? Golf. The best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it's a dog-eat-dog world. And I've got bigger teeth than you two. (GROANING) Our friend is trying to tell us something. Perhaps not. I'll take another swing just to make sure. Give me a five iron, John. Certainly, Dog. Now, keep still. Yes, Gordon, is there something you'd like to tell us? - It's in the fireplace! - Shut it, you idiot! He'll ` Yes, Gordon? You was saying? - It's in the fireplace. Pull it out. It's in the bottom. - It's in the fireplace. Pull it out. It's in the bottom. Dog, you wanna have a look at this! You gonna let me down? Nah. I'm not finished with you yet. Steel. Help! Help! Help! Help! Oh, Dog! (TV PLAYS QUIETLY) (BUZZER) Who the hell's that? It's only twelve o'clock. Use the cage, that's what it's there for. Who is it? We have got security for a reason. Chill, Winston, it's only Plank. This weed's getting quite a rep. All right? Easy. Jesus! Never saw you there. Hello, love, enjoying yourself? Is she compos? What do you think? Boo! Fuck me! Clean that up, Charles. Sod you. You clean it up. Sorry, but that stupid cow scared the fucking life out of me! Never mind. Just sit down and stay out the way. How much is it you want? I'm er... after a half weight. Right. That's fifteen hundred, then. Pass the scales, Willie. Give us some gear, J. Any chance of actually seeing the er... money? The odds are a hundred to one. - All we need is five grand. - I'd rather put my money on a three-legged rocking horse! The odds are a hundred to one for a good reason. It won't win! Where's Eddie? He's been at the bottom of a bottle for two days. - It's hit him hard. - It's hit us all hard! Yeah, but his dad's about to lose his bar. - Open a company called Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club. - You what?! Take out an advert in some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos. You sell it with, "Does what no other dildo can do until now." "Guaranteed results or your money back," all that bollocks. These dills cost �25 a pop. That's a snip for the pleasure they give. They send their cheques to the other company name, Bobby's Bits or something, for �25. Bank it till it clears. Now, this is the smart bit. You send back the cheque for �25 from the other company name, Arse Ticklers Faggots Fan Club, saying, "We couldn't get the items, they're out of stock." You see how many people cash that cheque. Not a single soul. Who wants their bank manager to know they "tickle arse"? - How long do you wait for a return? - No more than four weeks. A month? What fucking good is that if we need it in six ` no, five days?! Well, it's still a good idea. He may know we smoke a lot and burn a bit of profit, but he can't have any idea how much money we've accumulated. I don't know. Do you know? We could just slice it off the top. You guys have gotta realise who he is. He might look a bit silly, but he's a fucking lunatic! If he gets an inkling we're not being straight, we'll know what a kebab knife feels like. - You know these geezers well? - Yeah. I've been buying gear off one of 'em for a few years. - What are they like? - Poofs. Four public schoolboys, as soft as shite. They ponce around in hippy clothes talking bollocks. They're just good at growing weed. - Their business has got too big. - They can't all be stupid. They've got a container load of cash in shoeboxes. Someone sensible must be involved? What about security? There's a steel gate, but they never lock it. Never? What have they got it for, then? It's never locked. They're not suspicious. Everyone who goes there's a toff. They're all into that karma crap. No way they can get back to you? They'd be too scared. I'm a geezer! They've got no muscle. Gutless faggots! Fancy one? What's all the flapping about? You told the old man yet? You told the old man yet? I'm hoping I won't need to. I've got a plan. Now, listen carefully. - Hello, boys. - Harry. Do you want a drink? Hello, my son. Do you want a lolly? Piss off, you nonce! Oi, watch it! No thanks, we're both all right. Nice shooter. Yeah, one of a pair. Holland and Holland. - Do you wanna hold it? - No. Not my thing. Business good? That is why I'm here? Four young fellas are in deep. They owe me half a million pound. How much? Half a million. I'm game. Me too. - Oh God! - Right... we hit 'em when they come back. We'll be prepared, waiting. And they're armed. What was that? Armed? What do you mean, armed? Armed with what? Bad breath, feather duster. - With guns, you tit! - Guns? You never said anything about guns. This was the world's safest job, now it's a bad day in Bosnia! Stop being such a mincer. I've thought about that and ` What, exactly? All we have to do is find out who's carrying 'em. They could all be carrying 'em for all we know. No. Only one of 'em carries 'em going to the job. - I assume the same one will carry 'em when they come back. ` You assume, do you? Assumption is the brother of all fuck-ups? It's mother, stupid! Brother, mother, any other sucker. It makes no difference. They're still fucking guns and they still fire fucking bullets! Soap, if you have a better idea of how to get �500,000 in the next few days, let us know. Tom, talk to Nick the Bubble about shifting the weed. - Weed? - It's not normal weed. It's some fucked-up skunk, Class A. I can't think, let alone move shit. Doesn't sound good to me. Nor me. Depends what flicks your switch. The light is burning brightly for the masses. Do you know anyone? I know a man, yes. Rory Breaker. Not that madman with an Afro? - I don't want anything to do with him. - You won't. Just get me a sample. No can do. Is that a place near Kathmandu? Meet me halfway, mate. It's all completely chicken soup. - It's what? - It's as kosher as Christmas. Jews don't celebrate Christmas. Never mind that. I need a couple of sawn-offs shotguns too. This is a bit heavy. Who do you think I am? I think you're Nick the Greek. - (MACHINE BEEPS) - Hold those two. I don't normally have anything to do with weed, but if it is what he says it is, I'll give him three and a half grand a key. That's if it is what he says it is. I don't want to see it or touch it after a sample. I'll leave you with Nathan here. He'll sort out the details. But let me tell you one thing. If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kind of pussy to drink it. Do you know what I mean? Rory Breaker. Rory? Yeah, I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated. He's funny looking, but you've got to look past the hair. It's all a deceptive facade. 'A few nights ago, Rory's roger iron busted.' 'He's gone down the battle cruiser to watch the football.' No one's watching the custard, so he turns over. A fat geezer's north opens. And he wanders up and turns the Liza over. "Now, fuck off and watch it somewhere else!" Rory knows claret is imminent. Calm as a coma, he picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls, and plonks it outside. He orders the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. "That's it!", says the geezer. "That's what?", says Rory. And he gobs out booze all over fatty. He flicks a match into his bird's nest and he's lit up like a gas pipe. Rory turns back to his game. His team's won too. Four-nil. Oi! Is your hair supposed to look like that? OK, short stuff? The next time we do a job like this, we're gonna want more money, - or we'll go back to post offices and cars. - Where's the others? There was no others. - Stop fucking around! The old ones? - I don't know what you mean. - There were two old guns. Where are they now? - Not in the cabinet. There was a couple of old muskets the butler had. - But we sold them. - You better unsell 'em. We needed the money! I'm not fucking interested! If you don't want to be missing some fingers, I suggest you get those guns, quick! (GREEK MUSIC) Jesus! If I pick 'em up will they stay in one piece? Where did you get them? I've got contacts. Listen, Tom, you point them at me I'd do what you said. You get the desired effect. They look very nice, but... they're lacking in credibility. I'll get laughed at. How much do you want? �700, each. A pound for every year they've been about? I ain't paying antique prices. - They're a bit long! - Sawn-offs are out. - People want more range these days. - Range? I don't want to blow the arse out of this country, but I don't want anyone dissing me. I want to look fucking mean. You will look mean. You'll look really scary! What about this geezer who sells drugs? Rory Breaker's standing by. You stand to make a lot of money, tubby Tommy. (SIGHS) I understand this is a bit of a shock. But let me tell you how this can be resolved by you. Go on. - He likes your bar. - Yes? He wants your bar. And? Do you want me to draw you a picture? That boy doesn't know his arse from his ear. This is my bar, it's got nothing to do with him. What, and I care? You have the luxury of being able to sustain your son's life. You have a reputation, so I'll speak carefully. You tell Harry to go fuck himself! Now... I'll put that down to shock. Only once. Only once can I or shall I let you get away with that. Your son's got three days to find half a mill. Make up your mind which you prefer, your bar... or your son. "Plank goes in first." - "The cage is never locked, Plank?" - "Never!" "It don't wanna be." "Once he's set, he gets the rest of us in." "Get nasty with 'em, shit 'em up." These wankers shouldn't give us any problems. There'll be a few tools around. When the jobs done, we come back and unload. Robert's your dad's brother. Everyone savvy? (ALL) Sweet. Have a look at these. What are we meant to do with these? Put them on your head, stupid! Christ! If you think I'm gonna greet 'em with a grin, you've got another thing coming. They're your neighbours. It might be an idea to disguise ourselves a little. Right, good thinking, Soap. - Well done. - I've brought weapons as well. Weapons? What do you mean, weapons? (CLEARS THROAT) These. Jesus! Let's keep 'em covered up, eh? Couldn't you have got anything a bit bigger? What? Like that? What do you think? I think you need help. Can we have a couple of drinks, please? Have you seen your dad? Hatchet sent one of his men round. Oh shit! When? Crazy! Where did you get these, a fucking museum? Nick the Greek. How much did you part with? - Seven hundred for the pair. - Drachmas, I hope. I'd feel safer with a chicken drumstick. These'll do more harm than good. Jesus, Tom! Do these work? - Don't know. They look nice though. - That's top of our priorities! Ladies! Back to more important issues. We have only got two real guns. So we find a good place to hide next door, we wait till it sounds like the right time, then we jack-in-the-box, cocoon 'em in gaffer tape, swap the gear into the new van and bring it all back here. If we do it quickly, it's the last thing they'll expect. If anyone feels like giving 'em a bit of a kicking, I'm sure it won't do any harm. Yeah, a little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean? Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off, shiny ones! Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives don't make any noise, so we're more likely to use 'em. Shit 'em right up! Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro. Soap, is there something we should know about you? I'm not sure what's more worrying, the job or your past? Come on, girls. Where the fuck are they going? To shift a piano? This was meant to be a robbery. - Where did they get those outfits? - (BOTH) Not a bad idea that. It's Plank. Is Willie there? - I'm afraid he's not. He's out. - "Perhaps you can help?" Perhaps I can't. If you know what I mean? Open the door, so I can talk without shouting. "I can't help you." You'll find it is in your interest. Hold on. OK? Willie, it's Plank. He says it's in our interest. I don't care if it's King fucking Kong! He's not coming in here today. Hold on. We are in business and, correct me if I'm wrong, but that is business. He's a walking accident. Jesus! He's OK. He knows only to buy weights now. We're looking at least a couple of thou. What do you think? Willie, this is the last time. All right? But you and the money are going out the back. Just clear this shit up! - What, now? - Yes! Now! - Just get rid of him quick! - All right, just coming. What the fuck is he doing? Come on! I can't wait out here all day! All right, just coming. (BUZZER) I thought I was gonna be out there all day! I didn't know you were in removals. You lives and learns. You keep the gates locked now? Yeah. Sorry. Gotta do business like this now. Can't be too careful these days. I know. Shut it! You say a fucking word your ears go! - What are you doing? - What do you think I'm doing? What are you doing? Unlock the gate! Unlock the fucking gate! That's it! Go! Go! Go! Fucking move! What the fuck's going on? Just hang on, I've got the keys! I don't believe the fucking gates locked! - What did you do to him? - He just passed out! Get that fucking door shut! You dozy bunch of bollocks! What's going on down there? Shit! Charles... get the rifle out. We're being fucked! - It must be this one. - Hold that gun. Give me the keys. Don't point that at my bollocks! I'm working with fucking planks of wood! Shit! What the fuck is that? - What the fuck's that? - It's my Bren gun. Couldn't you have brought something more practical? Don't move! I'll kill all of you! There's no one fucking there! Argh! - They fucking shot me! - Well, shoot 'em back! Couldn't you have got smokeless cartridges? I can't see a thing! Argh! Shit! I've been shot! Could everyone stop getting shot? Sit down and patch yourself up! It's a fucking air rifle! - What the fuck was that? - That was the Bren gun. If you fire that gun again, you're a dead man. You're a fucking dead man! I've got the bollock ache. Where's my fucking gun? Right, now, have I got your attention? Firstly, I'm gonna blow his toes off! There go his toes. Now if you want me out of here, open the fucking gate or I'll blow his leg off! They'll fucking kill us if we do. J will get it if we don't. He's serious. I'm losing patience. Hurry up, girls! Yes, all-fucking-right! Willie, he doesn't know you're here, just sort something out. And all your friends. There's a good lad. There's only three of us here. I don't believe you. I'm gonna blow his leg off. I mean it. There's only three of us. Plank? Yeah. One of 'em's out. Now, open the gate. Ow! Up, up, up! There's a good lad. John, get them tied up. Where's the money? There, in those shoeboxes. - Where? - Out the back! - And the weed? - Out the back! Point with your fucking hands! Now! - I'm tied up! - Well, nod your head! Check it out. Plank, get Paul out of that van, lively. Argh! (GUNFIRE) Knife. I'm gonna cut him, make sure he knows he's dead. How you doing? How do you think? He's nearly chopped my arm off! Jesus Christ! Gordon Bennett! What the fuck's been going on here? Shut up, you idiot. It's Hanukkah. Don't just stand there! Have you got the bags? Can you fit it all in? There's a lot! I can't get Epping Forest in my van. Can't? I don't want to hear can't. Bollocks to can't! You'll have to make two trips. Bollocks! You've got a ticket. Move it or we'll move it for you. - I'll only be a minute. - You've already been fifteen. - Come and have a look. - At what, exactly? - Well, the van's half full. - So? So, all I've got to do is fill it and put you in it. What? And I'm off. Can you carry more than one bag this time? I can't. My neck, Dog. (SIGHS) - How many more bags? - Just a couple. Mick, are you dead yet? I'll be OK, once I've dealt with that lanky prick. Do it quietly. It's time to say, "Goodnight, nurse." (GUN COCKS) Where the fuck did she come from? (PANTS) That is it. Tie her up. We're out of here. Come on! Not like that, you idiot! Give it here. What you doing, Ed? Do you want one? No, I fucking don't! You can't make tea! The British Empire was built on cups of tea. Look what happened to that. If you think I'm going to war without one, you're mistaken. Going to war with what? Have you forgotten those guns, you dozy prat? (GROANS) You won't get away with this. Paul, what's that? - It's a traffic warden. - I can fucking see that. - What's he doing in the van? - He was gonna call the cozzers. Fair enough. We'll deal with him later. How're we doing, Tom? Right as rain. I'm gonna take care of the cabs. Keep us posted. All right, mate, do you do airports? Where the hell are we gonna hide? Don't complicate things. Just hide. We're on. Cor! They weigh a pound or two. Shut up and back up! (WHISTLES) Spin round, big boy. Urgh! Fuck! Stay down! Stay down! Tie 'em up, tape 'em up, hands and face! On the floor! Bend over the fucking desk! Keys. I want keys. Now! I'll find you. - 'Course you will, sweetheart! - I'll find you. What do you think this is, fucking hide and seek? Search that one. I'll see you in the van when you've finished with handsome. Jesus! That wasn't too bad, was it? When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know. Bacon, see what we've got. Let's have a butchers, eh? We've hit the jackpot, lads. We've got God knows how much of this stinking weed, a shit load of cash, and a traffic warden. What? Jesus, Ed! We got a traffic warden! I think he's still alive. He's got claret coming out of him. - What did they want with him? - I don't know! Knock him out and dump him at the lights! What do you mean, knock him out? With what? I don't know! Use your imagination! Argh! - Don't touch him up! Knock him out! - I'll knock you out! You want to knock him out, you knock him out. I fucking hate traffic wardens! It's time you gave my young friends a visit, Chris. Tomorrow's the day, and mum's the word. - I can't have that, can I, Baz? - No, Harry, you can't. I mean, it's a liberty. And I can't have a liberty taken, can I, Chris? No, Harry, you can't. It's enough to give me the arsehole. And I can't have the arsehole, can I, boys? (BOTH) No, Harry, you can't. Right, that's it. We're done. We're off! Is it a good idea taking this back to yours? It's the last place they'll look. Fuck it! The war is won. Tom, take this to Nick the Bubble, then we get rid of it quick. It's skunk, and it's as good as it gets. All right, we'll take it. Half price. I don't think he'll like that. You said three-five a key. You know that's a good price. It was yesterday I said that, and now it's today. We'll take it tomorrow, half price. If he wants to get rid of it quick he'll have to take it. I've got a race coming up, so if you'd be kind enough to... Lenny, take that round to Snow White and the three little chemists. They should have a gander at that. I want a second opinion. Hang on, something stinks. - Yeah, your fucking aftershave. - Fuck you, funny man! For God's sake! Help me! I'm in pain! I'm in so much pain! - Go in slowly, Nathan. - Fuck you! You go first. Just get the fuck in there! Search the house for bugs. I want it stripped. Where's the point? They'd have any bug with 'em. It's a bit late for you to start thinking. The possibility's good enough for me. And I want every slag this side of Ceylon pulled in and tortured, badly. I want to know who's responsible. Otherwise, I'm gonna blame you. Not a bad day. That pile takes care of Harry. - What's left over? - Give me half a chance to count it. What about this gear, then, eh? What? You want a toke on that? No, I don't want any of that shit. Can we lock up and get drunk now? We shot one of them in the er... throat. What, do you want a medal? I'll shoot you in the fucking throat if I don't get my ganja back. The one you shot, is he still in there now? Oh, no, it was another one. That's more like it. Where is he? Well, they took him with. He's... he's still alive. What did you shoot him with? An air gun? (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Look, we grow weed, we're not mercenaries. You don't say! Who could it be? Where do we start, Rory? Mr. Breaker. Today, my name is Mr Breaker. You think this is a coincidence? This white shite steals my tings and wants to sell it back to me! He's got less brains than you, Lenny! Get Nick the greasy wop, Greek bastard round here now! If he's still stupid enough to be on this planet! # "Walk This Land" ` E-Z Rollers # Come with me, I'll fill you with desire # Take my hand and we'll walk this land together # Your stupidity might be your one saving grace. Eh? Don't "eh" me, Greek boy! How did your soon-to-be-dead friends, think they could steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white joke? I'm not fucking laughing, Nickolas! I know you couldn't have known my position, because if you did, you wouldn't have turned up with that "what's going on here?" look slapped on your Chevy Chase. But what you do know is where these people live. If you hold back anything, I'll kill you. If you bend the truth, I'll kill you. Forget anything and I'll kill you. You're gonna have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. Do you understand everything I've said? Because if you don't, I'll kill you! Now, Mr Bubble and Squeak, you may enlighten me. We've got a bit of a problem, ain't we? Er, well, yeah. Yeah, we do. It's a bit more than a bit of a problem. It's the Mount fucking Everest of problems! And the reason it's such a problem is you don't have the first idea who did this! It's no one from round here. We've had 'em all in. If it was a local toerag, we'd know. - We'd know. - You'd fucking know? You wouldn't know if it was the fucking neighbours! Get out there and find them! I'm sick of the sight of you! Scarface. I've watched Scarface. If you want to know how to do a drug deal, you watch Scarface. That really inspires confidence. This guy Rory Breaker... Rory Breaker? Psychotic black dwarf with an Afro? That'll be him. I've heard about him. He's a fucking lunatic! He won't give us any trouble because he knows we'll be a pain in the arse. I'd take a pain in the arse for half a mill. You'd do it for air miles! The fatter you get, the sadder you get. Will you two stop flirting? After we pay Hatchet, this deal puts us up... nearly �200,000 each. That's not bad for a morning's work, I think you'll agree. - So they had the cash. - And the puff. Cheeky bastards! Count it. Shit, Dog, there's a lot! Don't you want to do it next door? We're not going next door till we've flayed them. Count it upstairs. I don't want them to see you when they walk in. But, Dog, look ` Give us it here! Dozy bastard! Check your guns. Get yourselves well hid. Wait till they get inside the door then give it to them. Give me them shooters, you can use your own. (PHONE RINGS) - Yeah? - That's no way to answer the phone. - Is that you, Dean? - No, it's Lord fucking Lucan! What do you want? You know those guns I sold you? I need them back. I won't be seeing them again. I've got the money to pay for them. I don't think you understand, I ain't gonna be seeing the guns again. He can't get them. We can't get them. You'll have to get them! The deal was everything inside the cabinet. I don't give a shit! Get those guns, because if you don't ` Or what? Have you heard of Harry Lonsdale? Otherwise known as Hatchet Harry? Well, this is... James Bond need-to-know time. When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop. Know what I mean? I mean find 'em, torture 'em, and kill 'em! And bring back what belongs to me. If you don't, your family's bang in trouble. Who was that? Harry Horrible Hatchet. Jesus! I've heard of him. 'We're in shit! They were his guns we sold!' 'We've got to find 'em!' "No fucking about, Nick. Where can I find those guns?" (GREEK MUSIC) Six black cocks and a little white kitten by the road... We're gonna do a proper decoration job. I want the grey skies of London illuminated. I want that house painted red. (ALL LAUGH) There's this brass standing on the corner. Dwarf walks up with a suitcase... Winston is gonna come along and see if he recognises any of 'em. Now, watch out for these fellas, they've got an arsenal and they don't mind using it. And I'm taking down her panties... (ALL LAUGH) Does everyone know what they've got to do? (ALL) Yeah. What the fuck is going on? (WHIMPERS) You got something for me? Come on! Chop, chop! Urgh! Thank you very much. He's got the guns. Go get them. Why me? - You're the hard case. - You get the guns, I drive the car! Good boy. - Get the fucking guns! - You get the fucking guns! Maaa, maaa, maaa! Right, wrap them guns up. Count the money. Put your seat belt on. We've got to get the guns or we're dead! (ENGINE REVS) (HORN BLASTS) So I made sure I fucked the one that was coughing. (ALL LAUGH) Get out the car you yuppie fucker! (SCREAMS) (GROANING) (DOOR OPENS) - He's the one we shot in the neck. - Is that right, Mr Botanical? (GUNSHOT) Jesus! I don't believe this! What the fuck has happened here? Jesus! The money, the gear! This is fucked! No money, no weed, it's all been replaced by a pile of corpses. All right, don't panic. Let's think about this. No, fuck that! You can think about it. I am panicking and I am off. How did you get hold of these? The boys had 'em. I know you like them. I wondered if you wanted 'em. Yeah, I'll have 'em. Was it hard work getting the money? Not especially. I upset a few characters though. Have you counted it? Yeah, it's all there. And they were gonna pay? Looks like it, but the opportunity was there. It's best to take that opportunity if it's there. Good work, Chris. We've got to get those guns! We don't even know who lives there. I don't care. All I know is it's preferable to death by Hatchet. Fair enough. Let's go. I don't think it's the right move. It's that, the old boy's place, and we lose a digit daily. I'm gonna phone him. - As if he'll care. - He'll care. That was his money. Whether he cares about us or not is different. Pass me the phone. (PHONE RINGS) Yeah? Is that you, boy? It's Ed, if that's what you mean. "Pay day, ain't it?" Yeah. I wanted to talk to you about that. I bet you do. I got half a million quid here, which means some poor sod doesn't. You've upset a few people, but that really isn't my concern. What does concern me... is the guns you had. "I want to talk to you about that." So get your arse over here now. And I do mean now! Bastard! You fucking bastard! Fucking bastard! Urgh! What the fuck are you doing here? What the fuck are you doing here? (SIGHS) A job well done. We made a few quid out of that one. Son? Made a few quid, did you? Where's what I want? You all right down there, mate? Very fucking funny. Where's what I want? I've just left it in the office. Get it. If you want your son to see his next birthday. Now, chop fucking chop! All right, fair enough. - Where you going? - It's a thirty-second drive or a five-minute walk. And I couldn't have parked outside, I'd have got a ticket. - That don't matter now. - Just be careful. Right. - You and me. - You and who? You know where the door is, Tom. # "Payback" ` James Brown # Need some get back # Payback # Payback # Right there # Payback! # Revenge! # I'm mad! # You get down with my girlfriend # That ain't right Oh no, not again. # Whoo! # Holler and cuss # You wanna fight # Payback is a thing you got to see That's it, I'm off. Tom! That is our bag! # Sold me out for chicken change # Yes, you did # Told me that they had it all arranged # They hand me down # And that's a fact - Ed! - Hold on! # You gotta get ready # For the big payback - # The big payback - # That's where I am! # Ho! For the big payback # The big payback! This is our bag! # I can do wheeling # I can do dealing - That's it, we're off. - I'm taking the guns. - Tom, don't fuck about! - I'll see you in the car. # I can dig rapping # I'm ready # I can dig scrapping # But I can't dig that back-stabbing # Oh, no! - What is going on? - I don't know. But what I do know is there's no more Harry. Which means there's no more debt. If there's no more debt, there's no more problem. There's no problem with the neighbours, they're all dead. And I think, if I get this right, we haven't done anything wrong and we're in the clear. (TYRES SCREECH) Never! Ever! Has anyone ever been as fucking rude to me as you did! Fucking bastard! You all right, mate? Cheeky bastard! NARRATOR: 'This was an embarrassing position for Tom, but Chris had to respect the fact that he appeared to be holding two loaded shotguns.' 'And Tom had to respect the fact that they were not loaded.' 'So, without anybody losing too much face, Tom left through a side door and Chris left with the money.' 'Everybody else got arrested.' He's not one of 'em. "Man Machine" ` Robbie Williams # Sitting in the cheap seats underneath the stars # I'm heading back to base # I'll drop you off at Mars... I think your dad would like a word with you, Ed. Where are the others? They got out yesterday. They're back at the bar. # I'm too far gone # I'm a man machine # He's a man machine # Drinking gasoline # Superhuman being # Superhuman being... All right, Dad? I'm all right. How about yourself? Oh, I'm all right. I could do with a drink, though. All in good time, all in good time. So, are you in the clear? More importantly, am I? It appears so. Appears? You'll have to do better than fucking "appears". Everybody's dead, Dad! That's as clear as you can get. How about that drink? - You know where the bar is. - Eh? Don't get too comfortable. Alan's got to sit there. Alan! You're lucky you're still breathing, let alone able to walk. I suggest you take full advantage of that fact. # You're dazed and amused # Talking through a different face # Cos I'm a man machine # He's a man machine # Drinking gasoline # I'm a teen dream # Superhuman being # I'm a man machine # He's a queen's dream # I'm a man machine # He's a man machine... You took your time. Where the hell have you been? Sit down, I'll tell you. So the traffic warden identified the neighbours' bodies. Which sort of puts us in the clear. The only thing connecting us with the case... - is those shotguns. - Tom took care of them. You did take care of the shotguns, didn't you, Tom? I wanted to talk to you about that. Well, talk. Well, actually, no. I've got them in the car. I was gonna sell 'em back to Nick. You dippy bastard! So, the only thing connecting us with the case is in the back of your car which is parked outside? They cost us �700! I'm not gonna throw 'em away. They're hardly likely to trace them back to us, are they? - It's worth the risk for �700? - Tom, you're a dick! Now, you take those guns and you throw 'em off a bridge! Throw yourself off as well. Now, Tom. - Look, all I'm saying ` - (ALL) Now, Tom! Can I have a beer, please, Dad? I'm busy, get it yourself. It seems Hatchet underestimated you. And it seems to have cost him. I ain't gonna make the same mistake. I've decided to bring your bag back. I think the words you're looking for are thank you. Thank you. Now, you've presented me with a problem. I've lost my employer. I'm taken care of myself and my son. If you think that's unfair, you come and pay me a little visit. But you better be waving a white flag high and clear, so I can see it, or it'll be the last little visit you ever make. You understand? That's all I've come to say. There is one more thing. It's been emotional. # "Fool's Gold" ` The Stone Roses # The gold road's sure a long road # Winds on through the hills for fifteen days... We are now in the money lending business. All right, son? Put your seat belt on. We're out of here. # The pack on my back is aching # The straps seem to cut me like a knife It's empty! # The gold road's sure a long road # Winds on through the hills for fifteen days # The pack on my back is aching # The straps seem to cut me like a knife # I'm no clown, I won't back down # I don't need you to tell me what's going down # Down, down, down # Down, down, down, down, down # Down, down, down # Down, down, down, down, down (ALL) What's his number? # I'm standing alone Don't! Don't! You'll jam the line! I'll call him. # I'm seeing you sinking # I'm standing alone # You're weighing the gold My fucking batteries! Oh! I'll dial it! Be calm! Shut up and tell me the number! # These boots weren't made for walking Give me your phone! You'll break it! Just calm down! Look, you'll break it! Will you shut it? It's fucking ringing! # Gold's just around the corner (PHONE RINGS) # Breakdown's coming up round the bend "18 With A Bullet" ` Pete Wingfield # I'm 18 with a bullet # Got my finger on the trigger # I'm gonna pull it # I've picked a clip now # I'm the son of a gun # So hold it right there, little girl, little girl # We gonna have big fun # I may be an oldie # But I'm a goodie too # I'll last forever # And I'll be good to you # Oh, yes, I will, little girl # I'm 18 with a bullet # Got my finger on the trigger # I'm gonna pull it # I'm a super soul sure shot, yeah # I'm a national breakout # So let me check your playlist, Momma # Come on, let's make out # I'm high on the chart # I'm tipped for the top # But till I'm in your heart # I ain't never gonna stop # Never, never, baby # We got a smash double header # If we only stay together # Talking about you... www.able.co.nz Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015