* - Eight years ago today, the virus took all the world's men. - No, no, no! Don't! (CROWD EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK) (GUNSHOT CLANGS) - Five days ` repeat offence. - Excellent choice ` the best. - Look, Ma. I found a new way to mess with them. - (SCREAMS, LAUGHS) - The repopulation lottery is gifted to our most viable motherhood candidates. - (YELPS) - (MAN SCREAMS) (ALL SHRIEK) - No, no, no, no, no. It's one of those fake stick-on beards. - (GASPS DRAMATICALLY) (BOTH SHRIEK) - (PANTS) Cut his pants off. Jaime! Wake up! His leg is bleeding, so unless you want to let another man die, cut off his pants! - (GASPS) - Jaime! - (PANTS) (UNSETTLED MUSIC) (GASPS) - Stop! Halt! By the powers invested in me by Wellness, I command you to hand over the man. - Go fuck yourself. - What's wrong with you? - We're not going to turn him over so they can disappear him and perm us! - This man isn't sick. He looks ho... ...rribly hairy, which I find very unattractive. We need to tell Wellness. - Oh, you go ahead. You try it. You fucking try it! - Jaime! - Pip, this is like... This is like Elliott finding ET, OK? - This is nothing like Elliott finding ET! We could get permed for this. Is that what you want ` to lose a chunk of your frontal lobe and eat boiled silver beet every day? - Like my mother? - Look, if we take him in, we could get rewarded for this. Oh my Goddess. (GASPS) I would be nominated for the committee, for sure. - (GRUNTS) - (RETCHES) - Oh, shit. Alex, keep the pressure on. - That's it. I'm getting in the truck. - No! He's bleeding out. He'll die if we don't help him right now, Pip. Hold him down ` now! (TENSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC) OK, Alex. Are you ready? - Mm-hmm. - Wait! - (GRUNTS) (PANTS) OK. Keep the pressure on. - Dude, you're gonna faint. - I'm not your dude. I'm gonna get the truck. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021 (BIRDS CHIRP) (COW MOOS DISTANTLY) (VEHICLE APPROACHES) (HORN HONKS DISTANTLY) (VEHICLE APPROACHES NEARER) - Shit. Wellness car. - What? Let me see. - Jaime! - Why has she got a clipboard? - Yoo-hoo! - Yoo-hoo? - Oh, God. My Baby Safe inspection. - No, Pip, wait! - No, wait. No, stay! You're blissed, remember? Pip, no. Wait! (ROLLER DOOR SLAMS) SOFTLY: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. - It's unwell not to tell them. - Look, you were the one who ran him over, OK? You smashed his face with a water bottle. (PANTS) - It's an eco-canteen. - No, no. Please, please, please. Don't do this now. - If we don't do this now, they'll punish us. - If you do this now, they could suspend my place in the lottery, and I've tried for so long, Pip. Please. - Wellness wouldn't do that. - Are you sure about that? (PANTS) - Oh! There you are. - (SIGHS) Hello. - Welcome. - I've` I've knocked a few times. Did you go around, did you? OK. Well,... I'll put the jug on, shall I? - WHISPERS: Please, Pip. For me. - So, it says here that you run a small business dairy farm. Is that right? - Yep. - Yes. - And that you have 20 cows? - Yep. Well, 20's plenty. (CHUCKLES) - Is it? - I mean, you know, one... one actually died the other day, so, uh,... ` Oh. - We're actually down to 19. (CHUCKLES) - WHISPERS: 19. - Yeah. So I don't know why I said that, but it's... well, it's near` it's actually nearly 20, because one's, um, gonna give birth soon, so,... - So, what should I... 19 and a half? - Yeah. 19 and a half. Great. - OK. Good. And Pip, what is your role in all of this. - Oh, well, Pip's actually` she's not involved. (CHUCKLES) Well, not in the` not in the cow stuff, but she's part of the family, of course, you know, because we love and we trust her, and, um, she'll always be there for us. - And then, it says that your sister-in-law, Alex, lives with you. She's currently in bliss for civil negativity. - Her sister-in-law. - Yeah, yeah. - She's not related to me. - Not related to you? - Not` No, but we love and we trust her the same as we love and we trust... Pip. - So, um, where is Alex right now? - She's sleeping in, lazily. - Uh, we don't know. Uh, she woke up, actually. - Yeah. She's definitely not in the shed. - (LAUGHS SOFTLY) Don't say that. - WHISPERS: I had to say something. - We don't` We don't know. We don't know. So, um,... (CHUCKLES DRYLY) - Do you usually have trouble keeping track of people on your property, especially those who are vulnerable and who require supervision? - No. (OMINOUS MUSIC) (SUSPICIOUS MUSIC) (MUSIC FADES) (MUSIC RESUMES) - Ma? (MUSIC DISTORTS) (DISTORTION INTENSIFIES) (SCREAMS) - (GASPS) What was that? - Uh, uh, cows on heat. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Don't you just love this baby room? I had a baby son before, but of course, I, uh... - Of course, of course, of course. - Jaime, maybe you should go check on the cows. Should make sure they're not too aroused or anything. - Um` - That's not really a thing. So... - Yeah. You know, why don't you go check on the cows if you're so concerned? - HUSHED: I'm not involved in the cows, remember? - OK. Why don't we all go and check on the cows? Hmm? - What, now? - Now would be perfect. (DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS) - Now? - Who are you?! (PANTS) How did you survive? - (SPLUTTERS, COUGHS) - You're hurt. OK, just calm the fuck down. - (PANTS, WHEEZES) - Wait. Wait, no, no, no. No, don't! Don't go out there! Wellness` - Yeah!? - ...is out there. You won't like Wellness! I said no! - Argh! - Don't do it! - (GRUNTS) - (YELPS) (BOTH GRUNT) - Uh, the farm would be, uh, strictly off-limits to a sprog, so we don't, uh` - That would make attachment mothering rather difficult. - We don't need to see the farm. It's` (THUMPING) - (MAN GRUNTS) (YELLS) - (YELPS, WHINES) (WHIMPERS, YELPS) - (GROWLS) - Stop it! Get off! - (GRUNTS) - Step up. - Step sideways ` - that little step before the big one... - ...into that new office,... - ...new career,... - ...new mindset,... - ...because you can do it. - Tautoko. - So make tracks. * - (MAN GRUNTS, YELPS) - Get off! (GRUNTS) - (YELLS) - There's, um, there really is nothing to see in there. There's no, um,... - And you're wearing white. You don't want to get your pantsuit dirty. - Yeah. - (MAN GRUNTS, PANTS) - (STRAINS, YELLS) - (GRUNTS) - There's hay in there, and, um, the door's really heavy! (DOOR SQUEAKS) (METAL THUMPING) - Hey, there. - Oh, my Goddess. (THUMPING CONTINUES) - I could have sworn` - (SHRIEKS) (GRUNTS, GROWLS) This is an amazing paint brush. - (GASPS) WHISPERS: You two. Come here. Come here. (SIGHS) I can't even begin to comprehend how ashamed of her you must be. - (MOUTHS) - SOFTLY: Well done. Yeah. Well done. - We do what we can. - (SIGHS) We do what is right. - Oh, um, Michelle. - Yes. - Um, do you think, seeing as were going the same way, maybe` - What's that? - Um, do you think maybe I could get a ride to work? - Oh. (SUCKS TEETH) I would. It's just that... this is a committee vehicle. - Oh, I didn't mean` - (LAUGHS) No, of course you didn't! OK. Just... Yep. OK, bye! (GRAVEL CRUNCHES) Hey. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. (HORN HONKS) - You owe me. (UNSETTLED MUSIC) - Hey, I've got to go to town. - I'll look after him. (MUSIC CONTINUES) - (YELPS, CHOKES) (CLEARS THROAT, BREATHES WEAKLY) - Listen, Bobby. I know we got off to a rough start, but let's not dwell on the past, OK? What is this? Why do you have this photo? What do you want from this woman? - (BREATHES HEAVILY) You better start talking,... or I start using this again. - (BREATHES SHAKILY) I'll only talk to her. - Well, you can't. - Then I can't talk. (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) That supposed to scare me? Boo! - (GASPS) Fuck. (KEYBOARD CLACKS SOFTLY) - Jaime Wu? I think there's been a bit of a mix-up here. (PHONE RINGS) - Wellness Centre. Be your best, be free. Pip speaking. - JAIME: Pip. (SOBS) I didn't make the repopulation lottery. - What? - I didn't make it to the next stage. - But... But Michelle was fine when she left. - Do you think there could have been a mix-up in the files or something? - (HUMS TUNE) - Pip? - Oh. Ooh. Ooh! - Pip, maybe, um,... Maybe I don't deserve this. - Stop. Stop. You do deserve this. Look, if at first you don't succeed, robustly dialogue the merits of trying again. - WHISPERS: Yeah, well, I'm not feeling very robust. - But you will. We can dialogue about this tonight. So go whip some cream and we'll watch a movie like old times. OK? - WHISPERS: Jesus. - OK? - Ju` Yes. Ju` Oh! - Hello? (DISCONNECTED TONE) (TENSE MUSIC BUILDS) (METAL CLANGS) - Wake up. I'm gonna make this easy for both of us. This is temporary self-releasing medication. Goes in the base of your neck. - Fuck! - If you struggle, it's going to hurt more. This'll make you feel great ` believe me. All warm and fuzzy. - What the fuck are you? Hm? Some kind of psychotic surgeon. - No. But I used to be a dental hygienist. - (GRUNTS) Fuck! - Hold still! - Get away from me, you` - Hold still! - Don't do that! (SCREAMS) - Please. Don't do this. - Mum! - Please. Please. - (YELPS) (HYPERVENTILATES) (GRUNTS, PANTS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC BUILDS) (YELLS) (CLANG!) (GASPS) (HAMMER CLATTERS) (BREATHES HEAVILY) - (HUMS, SUSTAINS NOTE) (SOFT AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS) (KNOCKING ON DOOR) (HUMMING STOPS) Come. (DOOR CREAKS) - Oh, sorry. I can come back. Sorry. - You're here now. - Um, it's just that you said your door was always open. - So it is. Speak your heart. - My best friend was drawn for the reproductive lottery. - (GASPS) Blessings abound. - Well, she didn't make it to the next stage. - Ah. I'm so sorry. - Um, see,... I think Jaime would make an excellent candidate. See? - Oh, I love a good mind map. - (CHUCKLES) Me too. Um,... so, as you can see here, she's been a mother before, so she'd know how to do it. But then she's also got great skin and hair; so just, um, really strong genes. Uh, and` and, of course, like, great support from, um, great friends. So, I just thought that maybe there'd been possibly some sort of mix-up? - Mix-up. - Yes. Like, you know, Michelle had put Jaime's name on the wrong list, or... some of the files got smushed with yoghurt, or something. - That is so interesting. Almost sounds like you're casting aspersions on one of our Wellness Committee members. - Oh, no, no, no. I... Michelle's amazing. I love her. - She's a paragon of abundance and light. - Totally. Yeah. It's just that I couldn't help but overhear you talking to Doc Harvey in the boardroom the other day. - What did you hear? - Well, you said that securing an abundant future was your top priority, and I just think Jaime could be hugely abundant for our future. (SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES) - I love your pants. - Oh. (CHUCKLES) They make you look so... fruitful. - Oh. (CHUCKLES) - Did you make them yourself? - Ye` Yeah. - Thought so. Thank you for your truth-speak, Pip. I'll look into it. (HUMS, SUSTAINS NOTE) - So she's gone, then? Hm? Your mother? - Yeah. This person is gone. - They did that to her, didn't they? What you just tried to do to me. - Worse. They put a drill in her brain. For her own good, of course. Permanent bliss to cure her delusional trauma about male survivors. You came four years and 22 days too late. - (INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS) She was the key. - To what? - I guess I'll never know now, will I? - Were you in quarantine? All the men in quarantine died. How did you survive? (SOMBRE AMBIENT MUSIC) - All this time,... I thought my mum was crazy. - Yeah. Well, she wasn't. There are more of us ` survivors. And now, we're being hunted. (TENSE MUSIC BUILDS) * - Why didn't I go through? - Whoa! Sweet whoring mother of Christ! What? - My application was unsuccessful. - Really? (GROUP LAUGHS, CHATTERS) - My Pippi Short-stocking! Thanks for coming by. - Oh, of course. - Thank you for speaking your concern regarding certain population processes. As it happens, there was a clerical error. - So it wasn't you who rejected me? - (SCOFFS) Why in the name of all life-giving vulvas would I? No way! No, your ovaries ` oh! They are preternaturally prime. We should be creaming those canals every year. Oh. - What is it? - You see, Jaime should never have been eligible for the lottery in the first place. I have no idea how her name got on the list, but thank you so much for picking it up. She's been permanently cancelled now because of your truth-speak. Here's a top tip, my little Pip ` let me worry about our abundant future. You worry about whether your friends fit into yours. OK? (CROWD CHATTERS) (NERVOUS ACAPELLA MUSIC) (WHISK CLATTERS) - (SOBS) (MUSIC SPEEDS UP) (WEEPS) (GRUNTS, GASPS) (DOOR OPENS) (SOBS) - We got him. We got him good. - What? - The man! His name is Bobby. He knows things. He's not ready to tell me yet, but when he does, bam! They're done. Wellness and Lane are done. Who'd have thought a man could answer our problems? (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) (NERVOUS ACAPELLA MUSIC RESUMES) (DOOR SQUEAKS) (MUSIC STOPS) (COW MOOS DISTANTLY) Bobby? Bob` Bobby. It's Bobby, isn't it? I'm Jaime. Nice to meet you. WHISPERS: I, uh... Look, uh, I know this seems kind of sudden, but I`I need your help, OK? I don't want to sex you. I just want your sperms, OK? We do this with cows all the time. See? You don't need to... You don't need to aim into that. You can't. But you could, um,... you could, um,... (TOOLS CLATTER) (JAIME MUTTERS) WHISPERS: You could use this. I'll (CHUCKLES) clean it for you. Here you go. (BREATHES SHAKILY) OK. Just take it. Take it. OK. Um... Let's see. What sort of things do you like? Dancing? Everyone likes dancing. (BREATHES SHAKILY) (HUMS TUNE HALF-HEARTEDLY) (CONTINUES HUMMING, GASPS) WHISPERS: God. You must be ready to explode. How hot is this? (SOBS) (BREATHES HEAVILY, SNIFFS) WHISPERS: Do you like that? (DOOR ROLLS OPEN) - What? What are you doing? Put that away! Oh, my Goddess. Eight years without you, and we're fine, In one day, we're back to this! Shame on you. Shame on you! (DOOR SLAMS) - (SOBS) (COWS MOO DISTANTLY) - Shh. We can dialogue. - (WEEPS) About what? There's nothing to talk about, OK? I can never have a child again, ever. The end. (BIRDS TWITTER) - I'm sorry. - SOBS: It's not your fault. I just don't know if I can do this any more. (GASPS) Do you know what happens to the cows if they're not milking or pregnant? I shoot them. (SOFT, TENSE MUSIC) OK. I can fix this, OK? Let me fix this. Uh, just go and wait the house. - What? - Just go! Go inside the house and wait. (GASPS WEAKLY) (REB FOUNTAIN'S 'THESE BOOTS ARE MADE FOR WALKIN'') - Right. - # You keep sayin' you got somethin' for me, # somethin' you call love, but confess. # You've been a-messin' where you shouldn't have been messin'. - Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! - Shh! Dess. Goddess. Just go do the thing before it goes off. - OK. - # That's just what they'll do. # One of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you. # Yeah. # You keep lyin' when you oughta be truthin' # and you keep losing when you oughta not bet. (VIVID SCRIBBLES) # You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'. # Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet. # These boots are made for walkin'. # That's just what they'll do. # One of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you. # (ENGINE REVS LOUDLY) Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021 - PIP: My friend needs more. Fill it. - I already gave you one. - You can't just do one load. You need heaps. You've got feelings for him, man! Cos you're a weak child of the patriarchy! - My friend, Thomas ` he gave me this. He said it would lead us to a place for well men if we survive it. - I didn't get through again. - What gives them the right to decide who can and can't have kids? - We are here to grow abundant life, and we will again. - I'm thinking about growing out my fringe.