Captions were made possible with funding from NZ On Air. Able 2015 ("WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING) ("WEDDING MARCH" CONTINUES) (MUSIC SLOWS TO AN END) IDIOT! HELL NO, I WON'T MARRY YOU! GOSH! WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE IN A SITUATION LIKE THIS? GOSH! GOSH! GOSH! GOSH! (SCREAMING) - (ALARM BEEPING) - (GASPS) JULIA (VOICE-OVER): DEAR DIARY, I HAD THAT NIGHTMARE AGAIN. I FEAR I'LL NEVER GET MARRIED. MAYBE I AM DESTINED TO BE A SAD, OLD SPINSTER WHOSE ONLY COMPANIONSHIP COMES FROM AN ABSURD AMOUNT OF CATS. (MEOWS) (YOWLS) (YOWLS) (VOICE-OVER): NO, THAT WON'T BE ME. I BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE. (YOWLING) MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE, AND I'M GOING TO FIND HIM. # MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD # # AND THEY'RE LIKE, "IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS" # # DAMN RIGHT, IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS # # I CAN TEACH YOU, BUT I HAVE TO CHARGE # # MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD # # AND THEY'RE LIKE, "IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS" # # DAMN RIGHT, IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS # # I CAN TEACH YOU, BUT I HAVE TO CHARGE # # I KNOW YOU WANT IT # # THE THING THAT MAKES ME # # WHAT THE GUYS GO CRAZY FOR # # THEY LOSE THEIR MINDS # # THE WAY I WIND # # I THINK IT'S TIME # # LA-LA, LA-LA, LA # # WARM IT UP # # LA-LA, LA-LA, LA # # THE BOYS ARE WAITING # # MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD # # AND THEY'RE LIKE, "IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS" # # I CAN TEACH YOU, BUT I HAVE TO CHARGE # # I CAN SEE YOU'RE ON IT # # YOU WANT ME TO TEACH THEE # # TECHNIQUES THAT FREAKS THESE BOYS... # (GROANS) # IT CAN'T BE BOUGHT # # JUST KNOW THIEVES GET CAUGHT # # WATCH IF YOU'RE SMART # # LA-LA, LA-LA, LA # # WARM IT UP # # LA-LA, LA-LA, LA # # THE BOYS ARE WAITING # # LA-LA, LA-LA, LA # # WARM IT UP # # LA-LA, LA-LA, LA # # THE BOYS ARE WAITING # # MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD # # AND THEY'RE LIKE... # (SCREAMS) # I CAN TEACH YOU, BUT I HAVE TO CHARGE # # I KNOW YOU WANT IT # # THE THING THAT MAKES ME # # WHAT THE GUYS GO CRAZY FOR # - # THEY LOSE THEIR MINDS... # - (THUNDERING BOOMS) # THE WAY I WIND # # I THINK IT'S TIME # # LA-LA, LA-LA, LA # # WARM IT UP # # LA-LA, LA-LA, LA # # THE BOYS ARE WAITING # # LA-LA, LA-LA, LA # # WARM IT UP # # LA-LA, LA-LA, LA # # THE BOYS ARE WAITING # # MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD # # AND THEY'RE LIKE, "IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS" # # DAMN RIGHT, IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS... # - (SHOUTING) - # I CAN TEACH YOU # - # BUT I HAVE TO CHARGE... # - (GASPING) # MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD... # OOH! MM! # AND THEY'RE LIKE, "IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS" # # DAMN RIGHT, IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS... # (MEN SCREAMING) # I CAN SEE YOU'RE ON IT # # YOU WANT ME TO TEACH THEE # # TECHNIQUES THAT FREAKS THESE BOYS... # OH, SHIT. (SCREAMS) # IT CAN'T BE BOUGHT. # OW. (BLEATING) ALL: OPA! HI, DAD. MR. JONES: LOOK HERE, JULIA, WHEN YOU GONNA FIND A MAN AND GET MARRIED? YOU LOOKIN' OLD, FAT AND SAGGY. AND THE MOLE ON YOUR FOREARM-- IT'S GROWING A MOLE. LET'S PUT SOME HUMMUS ON IT. CURES EVERYTHING. BABY, YOU GOT TO FIND A MAN. IN OUR RACE TO PROTECT OUR GREEK HERITAGE... YES, YES, YES, AND MY HERITAGE, TOO? LET US NOT FORGET YOU ARE ALSO ONE-HALF INDIAN. YOUR MOTHER'S RIGHT. BIG SISTER, WE ALSO JAPANESE. AND JEWISH. SO YOU'RE TELLING ME I HAVE TO MARRY A GUY WHO'S A GREEK-INDIAN-JAPANESE JEW? BABY, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE THAT'S HARD TO FIND. I MEAN, LOOK AROUND. THEY EVERYWHERE. NICKY. NICKY! YOU'RE GREEK, RIGHT? YEAH, AND INDIAN, AND JAPANESE, AND A JEW. MM? YOU WANT TO GO OUT WITH MY DAUGHTER? NO, I DON'T LIKE REDHEADS. SORRY. (SQUEAKING) DAD, I KNOW I'M NO BEAUTY, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO SETTLE. I RESPECT OUR HERITAGE, BUT I BELIEVE LOVE IS BLIND. SOMEWHERE OUT THERE IS MY TRUE LOVE... MR. JONES: NO. BACK TO WORK. JULIA: COFFEE? MORE COFFEE? EXCELLENT. JOLLY GOOD. I QUITE FANCY SOME... ...MORE COFFEE... ACTUALLY. MR. JONES: PICK-UP! (BELL RINGING) PICK-UP! (GRUNTS) I'M COMING. # YO, YO # # WHAT UP? # # YO, YO # # WHAT UP? # # YO, YO, YO # # LET'S GO # # YO, YO, YO # # YO, YO, YO, YO # # WHAT UP? # # YO, YO # # WHAT UP? # # YO, YO, YO # # LET'S GO # # YO, YO, YO # # I STEP UP IN THE PLACE WITH THAT LOOK ON MY FACE # # AW, SHIT, WITNESS HERE, I'M READY TO RIP... # (MUSIC SLOWS TO AN END) OH, HELL NO! YOU'RE HITCH? YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? PLEASE... I'M DESPERATE. EVEN I CAN'T HELP YOU, AND I FOUND STAR JONES A HUSBAND. AW, SHIT, COME ON IN. THANKS FOR SEEING ME. I HEARD YOU'RE THE BEST. YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT, I'M THE BEST. LOOK AT ALL THE COUPLES I'M RESPONSIBLE FOR. YOU GOT BRAD AND JEN, JESSICA AND NICK, BEN AND GWEN, BEN AND JEN, BEN AND JEN, BEN AND MATT, WHITNEY AND BOBBY, KOBE AND SHAQ, ELLEN AND ANNE. YEAH, I DO THEM, TOO. WELL, THERE'S THIS GUY AT THE DINER WHERE I WORK. WE HAD THIS... MOMENT. WHAT HAPPENED? I TURNED AROUND, AND HE WAS GONE. HE PROBABLY GOT A GOOD LOOK AT YOUR MUG AND RAN. WHY DON'T WE BROADEN THE SEARCH FROM THAT ONE GUY TO JUST ANY NIGGA? OKAY. EIGHT OUT OF TEN GUYS BELIEVE THE FIRST KISS WILL TELL THEM EVERYTHING THEY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP, SO BEFORE WE GET STARTED, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT. # WE GOT IT TOGETHER, DIDN'T WE? # (SNIFFS) OOH, STINKY! YOU'VE GOT THE DRAGON! (GROANS) # I MEAN, REALLY, WHEN YOU REALLY SIT AND THINK ABOUT IT # # ISN'T IT REALLY, REALLY NICE? # YOU GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN THERE. # I CAN EASILY FEEL MYSELF SLIPPING # # MORE AND MORE AWAY... # (SQUEAKING) # TO THAT SIMPLE WORLD OF OUR OWN... # A WHOLE WING? EXTRA CRISPY? GODDAMN! # WE GOT IT TOGETHER, BABY # (GASPS) # MY FIRST # # MY LAST # # MY EVERYTHING... # HITCH: GOOD GRACIOUS! # AND THE ANSWER TO ALL MY DREAMS... # OFF OF ME, TRICK! WHAT, ARE YOU HUNGRY? (GROANING) OH... (SIGHS) I'M HOPELESS. I'M NEVER GOING TO MEET MY PRINCE CHARMING. I GOT IT! A REALITY DATING SHOW? SAYS HERE YOU CAN MEET THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS. IT ALSO SAYS YOU HAVE TO BE BEAUTIFUL. WELL, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL... ISH. OH, COME ON, HITCH, THE ONLY WAY I COULD GET ON THAT SHOW IS IF YOU MAGICALLY TURN ME INTO A PRINCESS. LET'S ROLL. - # OYE LOCA, VEN PA'CA... # - (ELECTRIC SCREWDRIVER WHIRRING) - (METAL CLANGING) - # OYE LOCA, VEN PA'CA... # YO, FELLAS! - # OYE LOCA... # - HUH? # VEN PA'CA # # COME HERE # # WHAT?! MUEVELO, MUEVELO... # TIME TO PIMP HER OUT. # WELL, LET'S GO! COMO! # # SI TU QUIERE'QUE TE COMA TODA # # SI TU QUIERE'QUE TE COMA TODA # # SI TU QUIERE'QUE TE COMA TODA # # ABRE LAS PIERNA, DALE TOMA... # (WHIRRING) (GASPS) # COME ON!# (WHIRRING) # COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GO! # # BREAK IT DOWN! # (SCREAMING) # SI TU QUIERE'QUE TE COMA TODA # # SI TU QUIERE'QUE TE COMA TODA... # (GIGGLES) # ABRE LAS PIERNA, DALE TONY MARTIN # # I'M A-MAKE THAT THANG BOUNCE # # I'M A-MAKE THAT THANG SHAKE... # (GROANS) MM-MM-MM. # EVERY OTHER CITY WE GO # # WE ALWAYS PULL A COUPLE OF PRETTY HOS # # SEND 'EM BACK TO THE ROOM AND GET IT ON # # ONCE WE'RE DONE, GET YOUR CLOTHES, GET GOING # # DALE! # # LET ME SEE YOU GET FREAKY, BABY # # LET ME SEE YOU GET NASTY, MAMI # # LET ME SEE YOU ACT LIKE AN ANIMAL # # STRAIGHT OUT THE CAGE, BABY! DALE! # - (SCREAMING) - # WHAT I DO IS UNHEARD OF # # WITH THESE WOMEN, I'M O.J.... # # I GET AWAY WITH MURDER # # I'M A-HIT TILL IT'S OUT OF ORDER # # IF IT WASN'T FOR R. KELLY, I'D RECORD HER... # OH. # NOW STEP TO THE RIGHT # # NOW STEP TO THE LEFT # # NOW HOLD ON ONE SECOND, BABY # # LET ME CATCH MY BREATH, COME ON # # LET'S GO! # - # LET'S GO! # - HEY, HEY! # BREAK IT DOWN! # # OYE LOCA, VEN PA'CA # # COME HERE # - # OYE LOCA... # - YEAH! YEAH. # VEN PA'CA, COME HERE # # WHAT?! MUEVELO, MUEVELO, SIN PARAR # # LET'S GO! COMO! # # SI TU QUIERE'QUE TE COMA TODA # # SI TU QUIERE'QUE TE COMA TODA # - (HEAVY BREATHING) - (THUDDING) # I'M A-MAKE THAT THANG BOUNCE # # I'M A-MAKE THAT THANG SHAKE # # I'M A-MAKE THAT THANG CLAP # # I'M A-MAKE THAT THING BREAK # # AND AT THE SAME TIME, I WANT YOU TO TEACH ME... # (GROANS) # YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN # # THE ONE BELOW THE WAISTLINE # # YOU KNOW ME-- BABY, I'M FREAKY # # FREAKY, BABY, I'M FREAKY # # FREAKY, BABY, I'M FREAKY... # WHOA! YOU'RE OFFICIALLY PIMPED OUT. # VEN PA'CA # # COME HERE # # OYE LOCA, VEN PA'CA # # WHAT?! MUEVELO... # ALL RIGHT, GIRL, NOW YOU'RE GOOD TO GO. LADIES, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO "THE EXTREME BACHELOR: DESPERATE EDITION." BY THE END OF TONIGHT'S EPISODE, ONE OF YOU LADIES WILL BE CHOSEN BY THE BACHELOR TO GO ON A DREAM DATE. SO LET'S MEET HIM. HE'S A DOCTOR WHO GETS A LOT OF TAIL. LADIES, MAY I INTRODUCE THE BACHELOR. HI, LOVELY TO MEET YOU. - HI. - HELLO, I'M GRANT. - HI. - HI. - I'M GRANT. - WOMAN: HI, GRANT. GRANT: NICE TO MEET YOU. I'M JULIA. PLEASURE. NOW, GRANT, THE ELIMINATION ROUND... ESSENTIALLY NIXING THE GIRLS YOU DON'T WANT TO BANG. WHO'S GOING TO BE ELIMINATED? (SCREAMING) (GIGGLING) (SCREAMS) (MANIACAL LAUGH) (PANTING) NICE AIM, GRANT. GOOD EYE. JULIA, WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSE? YES. # ROMANTIC MUSIC # GUYS, CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE WON A DINNER FOR TWO... AT A RESTAURANT. A RESTAURANT?! (LAUGHING) (SQUEALS) THANKS! OH, YEAH, THAT'S IT! OH, GOD! (GASPS): AAH! HA! OH, YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YES! YES! YES...! AH, YEAH! OH, YES! OH, YEAH! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! (BLABBERING) YE-E-E-S...! YE-E-S! (BLABBERING LAUGHTER) YES! YE-E-E-S! YEAH! YES! (PANTING) (PANTING SLOWS) OH, GOD. WHEW, GOSH! SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU... DO WANT THE PORK CHOPS? YES, PLEASE. OKAY. I'LL HAVE WHAT HE'S HAVING. SO, TELL ME ABOUT YOU. NO, I'M JUST A WAITRESS. BUT I- I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL TO BE A PASTRY CHEF. OH, HI. MY NAME IS JULIA JONES, AND FOR MY ADMISSIONS ESSAY, I'M GONNA SHOW ALL OF YOU AT HARVARD WHY I WOULD MAKE AN AMAZING PASTRY CHEF. - (LIVELY TROPICAL MUSIC PLAYS) - (SQUEALS, LAUGHS) WHAT A COINCIDENCE. I LOVE PIE! I'VE GOT TO TAKE YOU DOWNTOWN FOR THE BEST... HUMMUS PIE? YOU'VE BEEN THERE? THAT'S ACTUALLY MY RECIPE. BUT-BUT TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOU. LIKE... WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE LOVE SONG? (LAUGHS) IT'S KIND OF CORNY. OH, COME ON. # I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE CANDY SHOP # # I'LL LET YOU LICK THE LOLLIPOP # # GO AHEAD, GIRL, AND DON'T YOU STOP # # KEEP GOING TILL YOU HIT THE SPOT # WHOA. WHOA. YOU'RE THAT WAITRESS. YOU'VE CHANGED. WELL, I-I WAS... I WAS SORT OF GOING THROUGH A PHASE. I WAS DOWNRIGHT UGLY. I DON'T REMEMBER YOU EVER BEING UGLY. BUT I REMEMBER YOU. I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, BUT... WHEN I'M WITH YOU I JUST FEEL SO ALIVE. ME, TOO. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AND SHOUT AND... BUM FIGHT? HUH? (INTRO TO "DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC" PLAYS) UH... JULIA? # DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC # # IN A YOUNG GIRL'S HEART # COME ON! # HOW THE MUSIC CAN FREE HER WHENEVER IT STARTS # # AND IT'S MAGIC # # IF THE MUSIC IS GROOVY # # IT MAKES YOU FEEL HAPPY LIKE AN OLD-TIME MOVIE # # I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE MAGIC # # AND IT'LL FREE YOUR SOUL, BUT IT'S LIKE # # TRYING TO TELL A STRANGER 'BOUT # # ROCK AND ROLL # - # DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC # - (JULIA LAUGHS) # DON'T BOTHER TO CHOOSE # # IF IT'S JUG BAND MUSIC # # OR RHYTHM AND BLUES # # JUST GO AND LISTEN, IT'LL START WITH A SMILE # # IT WON'T WIPE OFF YOUR FACE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY # # YOUR FEET START TAPPING, AND YOU CAN'T SEEM TO FIND # # HOW YOU GOT THERE # # SO JUST BLOW YOUR MIND... # GRANT: YES! YES! YES...! AH, YEAH! (PANTING) THAT WAS... AMAZING. WOMAN: IT SURE WAS. (GASPS) (MOANING): OH... OH... OH... WOMAN: SHE FAKED IT, GRANT. (WHISPERS): BUT I DIDN'T. MEOW. MEOW. (PURRING) (PURRING CONTINUES) (SIGHS) (SHUDDERING GASP) (CABINET CREAKS OPEN) OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! (SCREAMING): NO! NO! OOH. (SCRUBBING) (CHUCKLES) HOO! TINGLY. GRANT, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT MEETING MY PARENTS? - I was seven months' pregnant, and I contracted COVID at a tangi. We spent 34 days in isolation. I couldn't breathe well on my own. I ended up contracting COVID pneumonia. I was the first hapu mama in Jet Park. It was really terrifying for us. I don't want other whanau to have to go through what I've been through. If there's a way that that can be prevented, I would 100% take it. * (CLOCK TICKS QUIETLY) (TICKING CONTINUES) SO... GRANT, EVER KNOCK ANYONE UP? - MOM! - WELL, I WANT MANY GRANDKIDS, AND HOW DO I KNOW IF HE'S SHOOTING BLANKS OR NOT. BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL. JUST LEAVE THE SAMPLE ON THE COUNTER. OH. SORRY. (LOUD FLATULENCE) THAT'S JINXERS. (LOUD FLATULENCE) - (SOFT FLATULENCE) - (LIGHT SPLASHING) TAUGHT HIM HOW TO DO THAT. (CHUCKLES) - (SUSTAINED FLATULENCE) - (YOWLING) - (JINXERS SNARLS) - (FLATULENCE, SPLASHING) (FLATULENCE CONTINUES) (RHYTHMIC GRUNTS, SPLASHES) (SUSTAINED YOWL) (FLATULENCE) (LOUD SPLASH) (PURRS) (GROANING MEOW) JULIA TOLD ME YOUR LAST NAME. HOW DO YOU PRONOUNCE IT? JUST HOW IT'S SPELLED. F-O-C-K-Y-E-R- D-O-D-E-R. FOCKYERDODER? MM. MM-HMM. (MEOWS QUIETLY) (SNEEZES) ALLERGIC TO CATS? UH, NO, NO. I- I... I LOVE CATS. IN FACT, GROWING UP ON A FARM, I ONCE MILKED A CAT. I GOT NIPPLES, GRANT. CAN YOU MILK ME? MAY I SAY, THAT'S AN EXQUISITE VASE. ANCIENT ARTEFACT, I PRESUME. (SOFTLY): THAT'S ACTUALLY AN URN CONTAINING THE REMAINS OF FRANK'S MOTHER. WELL, I'M SURE YOUR MOTHER WOULD WANT TO CELEBRATE THAT JULIA... FINALLY APPLIED TO PASTRY SCHOOL. WHAT?! SCHOOL? DON'T YOU WANT ME TO BETTER MYSELF? NO! I WANT YOU TO WORK AT THE DINER UNTIL YOU DIE. GRANT WAS JUST KIDDING. RIGHT, GRANT? (JULIA GASPS) - (BOTH GASP) - LINDA: OH... NO! LINDA: NO, NO, NO, NO... (SCREAMS) MAMA! (MEOWS) - FRANK: MAMA! - JULIA: GRANDMA... (HORRIFIED GASPS) JINXERS... JINXERS, NO. LINDA: OH! GRANDMA JONES! OH, GOD! - NO! JINXERS, STOP IT! - HEY! - JULIA: JINXERS... JINXERS, NO! - LINDA: OH, NO, NO, JINXERS! NO! - JINXERS... - (YELLING) OH! GET OFF MY MAMA! - BAD! BAD CAT. PLEASE... - DAD: STOP HUMPING! JINXERS! OH! I DIDN'T TEACH HIM HOW TO DO THAT. - JULIA: JINXERS, BAD CAT! - (EXCITED MEOWING) (ECHOING): JINXERS, NO...! - (MEOWS) - FRANK: MAMA! THAT WAS A DISASTER. IT WASN'T THAT BAD. YOU DESECRATED MY GRANDMOTHER'S REMAINS, AND MY FATHER HATES YOU. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL YOUR PARENTS ABOUT PASTRY SCHOOL? - (HIGH-PITCHED SINGING) - I'M WORKING MY WAY UP TO IT. I'M JUST WAITING FOR THE RIGHT TIME. JULIA, YOU'RE A GROWN WOMAN. IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, MY FAMILY IS TOTALLY CONTROLLING. (HIGH-PITCHED): WHOO! THEY MEDDLE IN EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE. NOT TO MENTION, NO ONE IN OUR FAMILY HAS EVER DATED OUTSIDE OF OUR CULTURE. HE REMINDS ME OF WEBSTER! I JUST DON'T SEE HOW THIS COULD WORK BETWEEN US. LOOK, SO YOUR FAMILY'S DIFFICULT. WHOSE ISN'T? UNTIL I MET YOU, MY LIFE WAS BORING. BUT YOU, YOU'RE... SMART AND INTERESTING AND... BEAUTIFUL. I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU. DID YOU SAY I WAS BEAUTIFUL? COME WITH ME. (HIGH-PITCHED SINGING) IT'S JUST A LITTLE JESUS JUICE. WHOO! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME? WHAT ARE WE... YOU'LL SEE. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. JULIA JONES... WILL YOU MARRY ME? YES, GRANT FOCKYERDODER, I WILL MARRY YOU. HOW MUCH WILL YOU GIVE ME FOR THIS? MAN: NO! NO! OH! 50 BUCKS. SHIT, THAT'S IT? BUT IT WILL DESTROY ALL EVIL! OH, SCREW OFF, WIZARD! (GASPS) (GRUNTING) (CACKLING LAUGH) (NASALLY): MY PRECIOUS... (GROANS): OH... (HORN PLAYS "DIXIE") BEFORE YOU SET THE WEDDING DATE, I WANTED TO MEET YOUR PARENTS. 'CAUSE FRANKLY, I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT YOU. I UNDERSTAND... HOMEBOY. I'LL BE... WATCHING YOU. IF YOU DO ANYTHING TO CORRUPT MY DAUGHTER... YOU'LL BRING ME DOWN TO CHINATOWN? CHINATOWN? I'LL TAKE YOUR BITCH ASS TO 134TH STREET, BUST YOU IN THE HEAD WITH A PIPE. (WHISTLING) HI, LITTLE JACK. HOW COME YOU HAVE BETTY'S BABY? SHE'S AT A SWINGERS CONVENTION THIS WEEKEND, SO WE SAID WE'D TAKE CARE OF HIM. OH, HOW NICE. BETTY'S SUCH A GOOD MOTHER. SHE'S TEACHING LITTLE JACK SIGN LANGUAGE. OH, I HEARD ABOUT THIS. REAL CUTTING-EDGE STUFF. THAT'S RIGHT, LITTLE JACK- "KEEP YOUR PIMP HAND STRONG." BI-YATCH. (GASPS): HIS FIRST WORD! LITTLE JACK, WHAT DID YOU SAY? BI-YATCH. (JUNGLE CREATURES SQUAWKING) IS THAT YOUR DAD? (EXHALES SHARPLY) UH-HUH. FIGURES. YAH! (GRUNTING) HAH! GRANT! HAH! MY BOY! - AH-HA-HA! - GOOD TO SEE YOU. THIS IS MY FIANCEE, JULIA, AND HER PARENTS, LINDA AND FRANK. BERNIE FOCKYERDODER! PLEASED TO MEET ALL OF YOU! FRANK, GIVE ME SOME SUGAR. PUT 'ER THERE! (LAUGHING) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. AND THIS MUST BE YOUR LITTLE GIRL. - NO, THAT'S MY WIFE. - WIFE? SO YOUNG, SO PRETTY. AND YOU MUST BE JULIA. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT THIS IS. SO BEAUTIFUL, JUST BEAUTIFUL. MMM... DAD... DAD... WHAT? WE'RE ALL FAMILY NOW! GRANT: I'LL JUST GO GET THE LUGGAGE. SO, WHAT WAS THAT YOU WERE DOING BACK THERE? OH, I WAS JUST PRACTICING CAPOEIRA! - CAPO... WHAT? - CAPOEIRA-- THE BRAZILIAN MARTIAL ART OF DANCE FIGHTING. - LITTLE JACK: BI-YATCH. - BEEN DOING IT FOR WEEKS. HA! HA! AH! IT KEEPS ME LEVEL. - (BLOW LANDS) - (GASPS) AH. COME ON, LET'S GO MEET ROZ. - (GROANING) - (MEOWING) ROZ! OH, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE HER. EVERYBODY, THIS IS ROZ. AAH! (LAUGHS) OH! I'VE BEEN KVELLING TO MEET THIS MESHUGGENEH GOYIM SHIKSA ALL DAY! AH! (LAUGHING) (GASPING, LAUGHING) (GASPING): OH! OH! OH! OH! SO, GRANT TELLS ME YOU'RE A DOCTOR. UH, I'M A SEX THERAPIST. I SPECIALISE IN TEENAGE IMPOTENCY. WHO'S THIRSTY? - (ROZ RINGS BELL) - MOM, NO. OH, GRANT-ELAH IS JUST EMBARRASSED BECAUSE HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY TO THE HOUSEKEEPER. (LATIN MUSIC PLAYS) HEY, EDUARDO. (SPEAKING SPANISH FLIRTATIOUSLY) (WOMAN SINGING IN SPANISH) (MUSIC CONTINUES) THANKS, EDUARDO. AH... SO... IS IT HARRY? IS WHAT HAIRY? YOUR NAME. NO, NO, IT'S BERNIE. - OH, NO, BUT IT IS HAIRY. - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT, I MEAN, PICTURE THIS WITH FOUR POUNDS OF HAIR. BERNIE: OH, STOP. SO, WHEN'S THE BIG DATE? WELL, WE WANTED A LONG ENGAGEMENT, SO WE'RE GETTING MARRIED THIS SUNDAY. AW, HELL, NO. I'M NOT PAYING FOR THAT WEDDING. AH. DON'T HAVE A CONNIPTION, BUBELEH. WE'LL PAY FOR IT. OF COURSE! WHAT? I GOT A GREAT WEDDING PLANNER. YOU'LL MEET HER TOMORROW MORNING. LET'S HAVE A TOAST. TO GREAT... BIG MATZO BALLS. L'CHAIM! BERNIE: L'CHAIM. I... I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER. THANKS, DAD! BECAUSE NICKY HAS AGREED TO MARRY YOU. (NICKY GRUNTS, METAL CLANGS) (GROANS) NICKY. YEAH. GOOD JOB. LOOKING GOOD. NICE. DAD. HMM? MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE HAD THIS DREAM THAT A PRINCE WOULD SOMEDAY COME AND RESCUE ME. GRANT IS THAT GUY. HE'S MY PRINCE, AND HE'S THE ONE I'M GONNA MARRY. NO. YOU'LL NEVER MARRY GRANT. I DON'T TRUST HIM. YOU'LL MARRY NICKY. NICKY: YOU KNOW, THINKING ABOUT THE HONEYMOON MAKES ME, LIKE, REALLY HORNY. LIKE, A LOT. (CHUCKLES) WOW. YOU SEEM TENSE. (CHUCKLES) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU AND FRANK WERE INTIMATE? IT'S BEEN A WHILE. - (CREAKS) - (MAN YODELLING) UGH! SURE HAS. - (BERNIE EXHALES) - THAT'S ALL YOU GOT? (CHUCKLES): HOLD ON. HOW DO YOU THINK IT'S GOING? I THINK IT'S GOING REALLY WELL. YOU DO? YEAH. EVERYONE'S GETTING ALONG FAMOUSLY. EVEN OUR DADS ARE HITTING IT OFF. MAN, YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON. AH... (SLOW-MOTION SLOSHING) (SLOSHING CONTINUES) (RIPPING) (SLOW-MOTION DEEP GROANING) (SLOW-MOTION RETCHING) MAN... (RETCHES) (BELCHES) Domino's Everyday Value Range is now three times as good. Because it's now in three sizes, starting from an unbelievable $3.99. All our favourite Value Range recipes now from just $3.99. Domino's all new Value Range. Bring it in. * (LAUGHS) THE WEDDING PLANNER WILL SEE YOU NOW. I'M JELLO. PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT. NOW, I'M HERE TO PLAN YOUR DREAM WEDDING. SO, TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. WELL, UH, WE WANT A TRADITIONAL WEDDING. SOMETHING SIMPLE YET ELEGANT. YO, I KNOW EXACTLY THE PLACE. MUY ROMANTICO. THINK OUTSIDE MY BUNS. IT'S... NOT QUITE WHAT WE HAD IN MIND. THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO ON SHORT NOTICE. YOU GOT TO BOOK THE CATERER, PICK A PINATA, CHOOSE YOUR BEST MAN... OH, I'VE ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF THAT. MY BEST MATE ANDY FLEW IN THIS MORNING. ANDY? YEAH, WE'LL MEET UP AT THE HOTEL LATER. I THINK YOU TWO WILL HIT IT OFF TREMENDOUSLY. I CAN'T WAIT. AND I CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHO I BOOKED FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT. # DANCE, DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE # # YO, FELLAS LET ME HEAR YOU SAY YEAH. YEAH! # # IF YOU LIKE A BIG BOOTY # - # SAY YEAH # - # YEAH! # # BOOTY-BOOTY-BOOTY-BOOTY, ROCK IT EVERYWHERE # (SHUDDERING) # BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA, BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA, BOOM... # NO! NO! SO, WHERE IS THIS BEST MAN OF YOURS? ANDY...! (ECHOING): # OKAY, OKAY... # (ECHOING): # YEAH, YEAH... # # ARE WE ABOUT TO GET IT JUST A LITTLE HOT AND SWEATY IN THIS HOO... # # BABY # # LADIES, LET'S GO... # ANDY'S NOT A GUY? A GUY? HEAVENS NO. # LISTEN # # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME? # # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME? # # DON'T CHA? # # DON'T CHA? # # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND... # IT'S GREAT WE'VE REMAINED SO CLOSE, EVEN AFTER THE ENGAGEMENT FELL THROUGH. YOU TWO WERE ENGAGED? # AH, AH, AH, DON'T CHA? # # GIMME THA NUMBER, BUT MAKE SURE YOU CALL... # # I KNOW YOU LIKE ME... # AGES AGO. IT WAS MORE PHYSICAL THAN ANYTHING, REALLY. # THAT'S WHY WHENEVER I COME AROUND, SHE'S ALL OVER YOU... # GRANT: JUST CONSTANT SEX. # AND I KNOW YOU WANT IT# # I KNOW YOU WANT IT... # SEX... # IT'S EASY TO SEE # SEX... SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX. SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX. # OH... # # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME? # SO YOU... REALISED IT-IT JUST WASN'T RIGHT? WELL, SHE REALISED IT WASN'T RIGHT. SHE DUMPED ME. JUST WASN'T READY TO SETTLE DOWN. # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS RAW LIKE ME? # # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS FUN LIKE ME? # # DON'T CHA? # # OKAY, I SEE HOW IT'S GOING DOWN # # DON'T CHA? # # SEEMS LIKE SHORTY WANNA LITTLE MENAGE TO POP OFF OR SOMETHIN' # # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME? # # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK... # WHY IS SHE IN SLOW MOTION? SHE LIKES TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE. (LAUGHS) ANDY: GRANT! # ALL RIGHT, SING # # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME? # # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND... # (BOTH LAUGHING) THIS IS JULIA. (BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING) OH, I HAVE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU. NOW, GRANT TOLD ME HOW ATTRACTIVE YOU WERE, BUT HE NEVER MENTIONED YOU WERE FLAT-CHESTED. HOW CUTE. EXCUSE ME WHILE I GET OUT OF THESE WET CLOTHES. (SAX, PIANO, BASS AND DRUMS PLAY JAZZ) SO, HOW DID YOU TWO MEET? WE WERE IN BEVERLY HILLS. (INTRO TO "PRETTY WOMAN" PLAYS) # PRETTY WOMAN # # WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET # # PRETTY WOMAN # # THE KIND I'D LIKE TO MEET # # PRETTY WOMAN # # I DON'T BELIEVE YOU # # YOU'RE NOT THE TRUTH # # NO ONE COULD LOOK AS GOOD AS YOU # # MERCY # # PRETTY WOMAN... # I'LL GIVE YOU A HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR THE WEEK. SOUNDS QUITE REASONABLE. JULIA (VOICE-OVER): OKAY, THIS IS JUST TOO WEIRD. COULD WE DISSOLVE BACK NOW? AND SO EVENTUALLY YOU GOT ENGAGED, AND THEN YOU BROKE UP AGES AGO. SURE, IF YOU CALL THREE WEEKS AGES AGO. YOU WERE ENGAGED TO HER THREE WEEKS AGO? ANDY: HONESTLY, JULIA, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE JEALOUS ABOUT. JUST BECAUSE I SEE GRANT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN DOESN'T MEAN I'D WANT HIM BACK. (GASPS) (GURGLING, SUCKING SOUNDS) (ANDY SCREAMS, JULIA GROWLS) (SCREAMING) (GROWLING) (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING STOPS) FINGER SANDWICH? OKAY, I'LL GO FIRST. LET ME SAY, WE DON'T REALLY NEED TO BE HERE. SEE, WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR FIVE DAYS. SIX. FIVE, SIX DAYS, AND... THIS IS LIKE A CHECK-UP FOR US. THERE'S THIS HUGE SPACE BETWEEN US, AND IT KEEPS GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER. MAN: HOW HONEST ARE YOU WITH HIM? PRETTY HONEST. I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I LIE TO HIM OR ANYTHING. I JUST, UH... I MEAN, I-I HAVE LITTLE SECRETS. EVERYONE HAS SECRETS. (WHISPERS): I HAVE HEPATITIS C. MAN: HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL? I'M NOT SURE, REALLY. LET ME CLARIFY IT- I LOVE JULIA. I... WANT HER TO BE HAPPY. I WANT GOOD THINGS FOR HER. BUT THERE ARE TIMES... (SPITS) (CRACKING) YOU KNOW? WHEN SHE'S SLEEPING, JUST TAKE A PILLOW AND... (WATCHBAND RATTLES) (GASPS) (WATCHBAND RATTLES) 1 JULIA: THANKS FOR HELPING ME PICK OUT MY DRESS. TO BE HONEST, I WAS SURPRISED YOU CALLED. WELL, YOU'RE A PART OF GRANT'S LIFE, AND THAT MEANS YOU'RE A PART OF MY LIFE, TOO. YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS. YOU DON'T... THINK IT'S A BIT TOO MUCH? OH, NOT AT ALL. I'LL GO GET SOME PINS TO FIT IT. UH-OH. - (ELECTRONIC BUZZING, CRACKLING) - (GASPING) (GROANS SOFTLY) BOY'S VOICE: WHY DO YOU INSIST ON DRESSING ME IN THESE FRUITY OUTFITS? I'M GONNA TAKE THIS LOLLIPOP AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! JULIA'S VOICE: OH... JULIA: I CAN HEAR EVERYONE'S THOUGHTS! I LOVE PUERTO RICAN MEN. THEY'RE SPICY. JULIA: IT'S LIKE I'M TRAPPED IN A BAD MEL GIBSON MOVIE. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKIN'? HE'S A FREAKIN' BACKUP DANCER. DUDE, I MARRIED BRITNEY SPEARS! I'M RICH! I'M RICH, BI-YATCH! (CACKLING LAUGHTER) RICH! IS THE BRIDE-TO-BE READY? "BRIDE-TO-BE." SHIT! NOT IF I CAN HELP IT. I'VE GOT 24 HOURS TO BREAK UP THIS WEDDING. NO. YES! I'LL TURN GRANT AGAINST YOU AND MAKE HIM LOVE ME AGAIN. ME! ME! ME! STAY AWAY FROM ME! OH! # DRAMATIC MUSIC # (SIRENY ELECTRONIC WHISTLING) # DRAMATIC MUSIC # (SIRENY ELECTRONIC WHISTLING) # DRAMATIC MUSIC # (SIRENY ELECTRONIC WHISTLING) # DRAMATIC MUSIC # (PHONE RINGS) (SIRENY ELECTRONIC WHISTLING) # JAZZY MUSIC # (SWORDS CLANG) WHAT IS IT NOW? GRANT'S GOT AN EX-FIANCEE. AND SHE HAS A THING FOR HIM, I JUST KNOW IT. AND THEY HAVE THIS LONG ROMANTIC HISTORY. HOW CAN I MEASURE UP TO THAT? YOU CAN'T. SHE'S FINE AS HELL. I WOULD TEAR THAT SHIT UP! YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING WAS GOING SO WELL UNTIL SHE TURNS UP. LOOK, HE'S NOT WITH ANDY ANY MORE. HE'S WITH YOU. YOU GOT TO PUT ASIDE YOUR INSECURITIES. IT'LL ALL WORK OUT. DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THAT? NO, BUT MY WHITE CUSTOMERS DO. WOW. LOOK, I BELIEVE IN YOU AND GRANT. AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU'LL BE WALKING DOWN THE AISLE. OH... AND SAYING OUR VOWS. AND OUR FIRST DANCE. # START THE FIRE # # START THE FIRE, START THE FIRE # # Q-TIP, Q-TIP, Q-TIP # # THROW IT AWAY, THROW IT AWAY... # YOU CALL THAT DANCING? NO. YOU SEE THIS? THIS IS WHERE YOU LIVE, RIGHT HERE. THIS IS YOUR HOME. HUH? WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS? # YOU'RE A MONSTER, YOU'RE A MONSTER # #CRUMP, ROUND, BRING IT ON DOWN # # CRUMP, ROUND, BRING IT ON DOWN... # THAT BITCH BE CRUMPIN'! # MOVE TO THE RHYTHM WHEN YOU'RE FEELIN' THAT SOUND # # CRUMP, ROUND, BRING IT ON DOWN # # MOVE TO THE RHYTHM WHEN YOU'RE FEELIN' THAT SOUND # # JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP # # JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP... # IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. SHE'S NEVER GONNA BREAK US UP. GRANT AND I JUST HAVE TO GET THROUGH THE REHEARSAL DINNER AND THEN TOMORROW'S THE BIG DAY. ONCE WE'RE MARRIED, EVERYTHING WILL BE PERFECT. (GASPS) WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? (GASPING) GRANT'S NEVER GONNA MARRY YOU. YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. HE'S MEANT TO BE WITH ANDY. DON'T SAY THAT. THIS IS WHO YOU REALLY ARE. OH... YOU'RE A FRUMP-GIRL. YOU MAY LOOK DIFFERENT, BUT INSIDE, YOU'LL ALWAYS BE ME. NO, PLEASE STOP. YOU'LL BE STUCK IN THAT DINER TILL THE END OF TIME. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. TRUE LOVE IS A MYTH. YOU BETTER HURRY UP AND MARRY NICKY... BEFORE YOU END UP A FAT, DUSTY OLD MAID. NEVER! YOU'LL SEE. (YELLS) (CACKLES) (GOAT BLEATING) (GUESTS MURMURING) BERNIE: QUIET, EVERYONE, QUIET. ROZ HAS A FEW WORDS TO SAY. OH, THANK YOU, HON. (SIGHS) I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A TOAST. TO GRANT AND JULIA. YEAH! WHAT? OKAY! GET KRUNKED! ALL: GET KRUNKED! (SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING) YOU LIKE IT? YOU LOOK... RAVISHING. (SIGHS) WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG? GRANT, YOUR WHOLE COURTSHIP HAS BEEN ROCKY, TO SAY THE LEAST. I JUST HOPE YOU'RE NOT RUSHING INTO THIS MARRIAGE WITH JULIA... AS A WAY OF... GETTING OVER ME. I... # SULTRY MUSIC # OH, DEAR GOD. A CAROUSEL. I, UH... I'D BETTER GET BACK. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) GRANT, THIS IS OUR REHEARSAL DINNER. WE'RE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW. I NEED TO KNOW, DO YOU STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR ANDY? (CHUCKLES): OF COURSE NOT. I TRUST YOU. I-I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET HURT. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. I AM DEVOTED TO YOU. FOREVER. ("I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER" TUNE): # THE MOMENT I SAW YOU # # BEFORE I PROPOSED TO YOU # # WE SAID A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU # # WHILE COMBING MY HAIR NOW # # YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT'S UNDER MY DRESS NOW # # WE SAID A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU # # FOREVER, FOREVER, HE GIVES YOU HIS HEART # # AND HE LOVES YOU FOREVER AND EVER # # YOU'LL NEVER BREAK UP, DIVORCE WILL COST YOU # # TOGETHER, TOGETHER, THAT'S HOW IT MUST BE # # FOR THIS LOVE STORY # # SCREW GRANT, SHE MUST MARRY NICKY! # (PLAYS MELANCHOLY CHORDS) # I REALLY DO LOVE YOU, DEAR # # BUT ANDY KEEPS WHISPERING IN HIS EAR # # WE'LL SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU # # GRANT AND I WILL GET HITCHED # # IF WE SURVIVE MY FAMILY AND THAT SCHEMING BITCH # # WE'LL SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU # # FOREVER, FOREVER, HE GIVES YOU HIS HEART # # AND HE LOVES YOU FOREVER AND EVER # # YOU'LL NEVER BREAK UP, DIVORCE WILL COST YOU # # TOGETHER, TOGETHER, THAT'S HOW IT MUST BE # # FOR THIS LOVE STORY # # I HAVE ONE NIGHT TO STOP THIS WEDDING # # MY DAUGHTER, GET BUSY # # GET BUSY # # JUST BACK THAT THING UP # # HE'LL BE TRUE # # PLEASE LOVE ME, TOO # # ANSWER HIS PRAYERS # # TRY POSITION 22 # # GETTING YOUR SWERVE ON, BABY # # ANSWER HIS PRAYER, YO # # FOREVER, FOREVER, HE GIVES YOU HIS HEART # # AND HE LOVES YOU FOREVER AND EVER # # YOU'LL NEVER BREAK UP, DIVORCE WILL COST YOU # # TOGETHER, TOGETHER, THAT'S HOW IT MUST BE # # FOR THIS LOVE STORY # # WILL THE ENDING BE GOOD OR CRAPPY? # (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (SLURPING) - (THUD) - (MEOWS) This can't be a Domino's ad. These can't be Domino's ingredients. And surely Domino's couldn't do Super Gourmet pizzas like this. From just $15 delivered. Or could they? - I was T-boned by a truck on my left-hand side, 200m from my house. I broke my back in three places, all my ribs on my left-hand side, five of them on my right-hand side. I spent 10 days in a coma. I actually woke up the day before my daughter was actually born. 1 NO. NOT A ZIT ON MY WEDDING DAY. OH... (GRUNTING) OH... WHOA! WHERE THE HELL IS JULIA? GRANT, I WOULDN'T BE YOUR BEST MAN UNLESS I TOLD YOU THIS. JULIA DOESN'T DESERVE YOU. OH, COME ON. SHE'S AN HOUR LATE FOR HER OWN WEDDING. MAYBE SHE'S GOT COLD FEET 'CAUSE SHE KNOWS IT'S NOT RIGHT BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU. OH... DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT US? YEAH. ME, TOO. MY GRANDMOTHER'S RING. SHE GAVE YOU THIS RING ON HER DEATHBED AND MADE YOU PROMISE TO GIVE IT TO THE WOMAN YOU WANTED TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH. YOU GAVE IT TO ME. MY GRANDFATHER'S TOE RING. AND DIDN'T HE GIVE YOU THIS RING ON HIS DEATHBED AND MAKE YOU PROMISE TO GIVE IT TO THE WOMAN YOU'D CHERISH FOREVER? YOU GAVE THAT TO ME, TOO. BUT JULIA... OH! SHE'S JUST THE REBOUND GIRL. I'M READY TO TAKE YOU BACK. CHOOSE ME. MARRY ME. ANDY, I JUST DON'T FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU ANY MORE. JULIA'S THE ONE. THEN ONE LAST KISS. JULIA, NO. (SIGHS) (SOFT ROCK PLAYS IN DISTANCE) (SIGHS) # BABY, COME BACK # # ANY KIND OF FOOL COULD SEE # # THERE WAS SOMETHING IN EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU # # BABY, COME BACK # # YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME... # NEIGHBOUR: SHUT UP! IT'S 4:00 IN THE MORNING! ASSHOLE! TURN THAT CRAP OFF. (SOBBING GENTLY) # BABY, COME BACK # I'M TRYING TO WATCH "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES." # ANY KIND OF FOOL COULD SEE... # IT'S CALLED AN IPOD. GET ONE. # THERE WAS SOMETHING IN EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU... # (PURRING) (HIP-HOP PLAYING) # OOH, BABY # JINXERS? # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME? # (MEOWING) # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME? # # DON'T CHA? # (PURRING) # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS RAW LIKE ME? # (MEOWS) # DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS FUN LIKE ME? # # DON'T CHA? # MR. JONES: JULIA? LET'S GET YOU OUT OF THAT FUNK. JULIA... WILL YOU MARRY ME? PLEASE? THAT WAS GOOD, RIGHT? (WHISPERS): YEAH. I KNOW NICKY'S A LITTLE ROUGH AROUND THE EDGES. BUT GIVE HIM A CHANCE. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR MOTHER AND I FIRST GOT MARRIED, WE BARELY KNEW EACH OTHER. I WAS A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE, COULD BARELY SPEAK THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. DAD, YOU'RE FROM JERSEY. I'M TRYING TO MAKE A POINT HERE. AT FIRST, LINDA AND I COULDN'T GET ALONG. BUT WE GREW TO UNDERSTAND AND EVEN RESPECT EACH OTHER. I'M PROUD TO SAY WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 30 YEARS, AND I HAVE YOU AND YOUR SISTER TO SHOW FOR IT. NOW, MAYBE THAT'S NOT THE FAIRY TALE YOU DREAM OF. BUT THAT'S REAL LIFE. SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY? I'VE BEEN FOOLING MYSELF ALL ALONG. THERE IS NO PRINCE CHARMING. AND TRUE LOVE IS SOMETHING THAT ONLY EXISTS IN THE MOVIES. OKAY, DAD. I'LL MARRY NICKY. BACK TO WORK. - I was seven months' pregnant, and I contracted COVID at a tangi. We spent 34 days in isolation. I couldn't breathe well on my own. I ended up contracting COVID pneumonia. I was the first hapu mama in Jet Park. It was really terrifying for us. I don't want other whanau to have to go through what I've been through. If there's a way that that can be prevented, I would 100% take it. * (BELLS TOLLING) YOU'RE CRYING. TEARS OF JOY, DAD. NICKY: THANKS, FRANK. I'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE. (SNIFFLES) WE ARE GATHERED HERE TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN IN HOLY MATRIMONY. MARRIAGE IS A CONTRACT THAT SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN LIGHTLY. IT MUST BE HONOURED BY TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE TRULY IN LOVE. # SOFTLY YOU WHISPER # # YOU'RE SO SINCERE # # HOW COULD OUR LOVE BE SO BLIND? # # WE SAILED ON TOGETHER # # BUT DRIFTED APART # # AND HERE YOU ARE BY MY SIDE # # SO NOW I COME TO YOU # # WITH OPEN ARMS # # NOTHING TO HIDE # # BELIEVE WHAT I SAY # # SO HERE I AM # # WITH OPEN ARMS # # HOPING YOU'LL SEE # # WHAT YOUR LOVE MEANS TO ME # # OPEN ARMS... # MINISTER: IF ANYONE HAS ANY REASON WHY THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE MARRIED, SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE. (SIGHS) I OBJECT. THANK GOD. THIS ISN'T WANT YOU WANTED. IT'S WHAT I WANTED. I WAS WRONG ABOUT GRANT. HE'S A GOOD MAN. HE EVEN LIKED YOU WHEN YOU WERE BUTT-UGLY. HOW DO YOU...? I SAW IT IN YOUR FLASHBACK. YOU AND GRANT WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. I DON'T KNOW... YOU NEED TO READ THIS. GRANT (VOICE-OVER): "MY DARLING JULIA, I'M SORRY. "SO SORRY. SO VERY, VERY SORRY. "AND YET SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD TO SAY. "IF YOU CAN EVER FORGIVE ME "AND YOU'RE READY TO MAKE THAT LEAP, "I PROMISE I'LL BE THERE TO CATCH YOU. "IF YOU STILL LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVE YOU, THEN MEET ME WHERE MEG RYAN MET TOM HANKS." ON THE INTERNET? GRANT (VOICE-OVER): NO, NOT IN "YOU'VE GOT MAIL." IN "SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE." RIGHT, THE OBSERVATION DECK OF THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING. BUT HOW DO I GET THERE? GRANT (VOICE-OVER): UH, I'LL MAPQUEST DIRECTIONS AND I.M. IT TO YOUR BLACKBERRY. BUT I ONLY HAVE A T-MOBILE SIDEKICK. YOU CAN BORROW MY TREO 650. GRANT (VOICE-OVER): HOW ABOUT WE JUST MEET WHERE WE HAD OUR FIRST DATE? A RESTAURANT? BUT THAT'S WAY UPTOWN. TRAFFIC'S A NIGHTMARE. (GRANT SIGHS) GRANT (VOICE-OVER): THE ROOFTOP OF YOUR APARTMENT BUILDING? OKAY, GREAT. THIS ISSUE'S SIX MONTHS OLD. I HOPE HE'S STILL WAITING. HE'D BE A FOOL NOT TO WAIT FOR MY DAUGHTER. GO GET HIM, BABY. THANKS, DAD. # IF YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC # # COME ALONG WITH ME # # WE'LL DANCE UNTIL MORNING TILL THERE'S JUST YOU AND ME # # AND MAYBE # # IF THE MUSIC IS RIGHT # # I'LL MEET YOU TOMORROW, SORT OF LATE AT NIGHT # # I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THE MAGIC, AND IT'LL FREE YOUR SOUL # # BUT IT'S LIKE TRYING TO TELL A STRANGER ABOUT ROCK AND ROLL # TAXI! TAXI! (HORN HONKING) TAXI! # DON'T BOTHER TO CHOOSE # - (SIGHS) - # IF IT'S JUG BAND MUSIC # # OR RHYTHM AND BLUES # # JUST GO AND LISTEN... # OH, SOMEONE! SOMEONE, PLEASE HELP! HITCH: TRICK! YOU'RE GETTING ON MY NERVES! I NEED TO GET ACROSS TOWN, FAST! I OWE YOU. DAMN STRAIGHT! I'M HITCH, BITCH! # YEAH, BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC OF A YOUNG GIRL'S SOUL # # BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC OF ROCK AND ROCK # (TYRES SCREECHING) # DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? # # DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? # # DO YOU BELIEVE, BELIEVER? # # DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? # # DO YOU BELIEVE, BELIEVER? # (SIGHS) (BANGING BUTTONS) COME ON, OPEN UP. (SIGHS) JULIA: PLEASE... OH, PLEASE! OH... (FAST-PACED ROCK PLAYING) (ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING) (FAST-PACED ROCK PLAYING) (ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING) (FAST-PACED ROCK PLAYING) (ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING) (FAST-PACED ROCK PLAYING) (ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYING) (FAST-PACED ROCK PLAYING) HE'S MINE! (GROANS) KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF MY MAN! (SCREAMS) (GRUNTING) (SHRIEKS) I'M TOO LATE. JULIA! (SHRIEKS) (GRUNTS) WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THE PRINCE RESCUES THE PRINCESS? SHE RESCUES HIM RIGHT BACK. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO BE A BETTER MAN. YOU HAD ME AT HELLO. I'M JUST A GIRL... STANDING IN FRONT OF A BOY... ASKING HIM TO LOVE HER. WHAT?! I'M ALSO AN ORDAINED MINISTER. BY THE POWERS VESTED IN ME, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE. SHOW HER SOME LOVE, MAN. (MEOWS) # ROMANTIC MUSIC # (CHEERING) YEAH. (MOANING) (LAUGHING) (SQUEALS) (WHINNIES) JULIA! THIS IS FOR YOU. IT'S A VAGINAL THERMOMETER. IT LETS YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OVULATING. IT'S BEEN IN OUR FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS, AND IF YOU WANT TO KEEP IT OUR LUCKY THERMOMETER, DON'T EVER WASH IT. JULIA. DAD. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO FIND A NEW WAITRESS. IT'S ABOUT TIME. (SIGHS) COME HERE. (CHUCKLES) HEY... TAKE CARE OF MY DAUGHTER. (GUESTS CHEERING) (CHEERING CONTINUES) HEY, IS IT TOO LATE TO CRASH THE FOCKYERDODER WEDDING? BYE. (VOICE-OVER): AND WE LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER, BUT NOT BEFORE WE WENT ON OUR HONEYMOON TO ROMANTIC KONG ISLAND. (NATIVES GRUNTING) (SCREAMS) HELP! PLEASE, HELP ME! (NATIVES SHOUTING) (KONG ROARING) HELP! KEEP THE CAMERA ROLLING. WOMAN: OH, GOD! HELP! PLEASE! - (KONG ROARING) - (NATIVES GASPING) NO... (SOBBING): NO... (KONG PURRING) - (RIPPING) - (GASPS) (CHEERING) NATIVES (CHANTING): CARMEN ELECTRA! CARMEN ELECTRA! CARMEN ELECTRA! CARMEN ELECTRA! OOH... (GIGGLES) THAT FEELS KIND OF GOOD. A LITTLE KINKY. (KONG PANTING) OH... YEAH! (SLURPING) I LIKE HAIRY BOYS. (LAUGHS) # GET DOWN, HIT THE FLOOR # # GET DOWN, HIT THE FLOOR # # GET DOWN, HIT THE FLOOR # # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING # # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING # # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING # # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING # # COME AND WORK IT FOR ME # # COME AND WORK IT FOR ME, SHORTY # # BUT DON'T BREAK IT FOR ME # # WIGGLE, WIGGLE, WON'T YOU COME ON AND GET NAKED FOR ME? # (LAUGHTER) YES! YES! (GAGS) (CHOKING) YES! BEAUTIFUL. JUST DRINK IT. PRETEND YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT. IS THAT COS'S HAND ON YOUR BOOTY? GET...! (TSKS) (SPITS) (GRUNTS) MAN: CUT. (APPLAUSE) I'M KIND OF AN AMATEUR TENNIS PLAYER. AND, UH, I WAS PLAYING, AND IT WAS A DRIZZLY DAY, AND ROZ CAME DOWN AND VOLUNTEERED, UH, TO HOLD MY BALLS AND KEEP 'EM DRY. WE GOT RAINED OUT ANYWAY. YEAH. HIS BALLS ARE ALWAYS WET, WHETHER IT'S RAINING OR NOT. # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING # # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING # # ONE KISS IN THE AREA # # AREA BETTER CHECK HIS BANK FOR DIRECT DEPOSIT # # CHECK UNDER YOUR BED, THEN CHECK YOUR CLOSETS # # SHE DON'T LIKE BACON, COOL- I'LL GIVE HER SAUSAGE... # HEY, IS IT TOO LATE FOR ONE MORE PARODY? # DOLLARS-DOLLARS DON'T MAKE MONEY-MONEY # IT'S ON THE HUDSON... WITH BREATHTAKING VIEWS OF THE SKYLINE. MUY ROMANTICO. YEAH! WHAT?! OKAY! GET KRUNK! WE SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR YOU! # WATCH HOW I DO IT LIKE NO ONE'S DONE IT BEFORE # # YES, SIR, IT'S A PRO # # MAMI, WHAT YOU FRONTIN' FOR? # MAN: ONE. (SPITS) # GET DOWN, HIT THE FLOOR # # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING... # HAI! (BALL STRIKES) # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING... # (WHINING) I'M A BABY! INFANTILISM. # I SOLD 53 THE FIRST WEEK # # I'M COMING AT YOU ON A SMURF BEAT # # BECAUSE HE GOT THE FACE THAT HIT YOU IN THE HEAD # # LIKE A FOUR-BY-FOUR # # NOW BACK IT UP FOR ME, I'M BEGGING, SHORTY # - # POR FAVOR # # GONNA GIVE YOU THE DE-LANG, LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO JOCK IT # # AIN'T GONNA LIKE NOTHING ABOVE IT # # YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT WHEN I SNUCK IT AT YOU # # IN A FANTASY-- I HOPE NO ... POP OFF # # WHILE WE GRINDING, I'M TRYING TO GET MY ROCKS OFF # # HOPE THEM HITTERS DON'T COME AT ME THINKING MY GLOVES OFF # # 'CAUSE WE KNOWN TO GET THEM HEATERS BURNING LIKE HOT SAUCE # # IT'S ALL BECAUSE I GIVE THEM BABY MAMAS ... # # I TELL 'EM, "GET DOWN, HIT THE FLOOR" # # GET DOWN, HIT THE FLOOR # # GET DOWN, HIT THE FLOOR # # GET DOWN, HIT THE FLOOR # # GET DOWN, HIT THE FLOOR # # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING # # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING # # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING # # DE-LUM, DE-LANG, YOU BETTER WORK THAT THING # # WORK IT, BABY # # WORK IT, BABY # # WORK IT, BABY # # WORK IT, BABY. WORK IT, BABY # # WORK IT, BABY # # WORK IT, BABY. WORK IT, BABY # # WORK IT, BABY # # WORK IT, BABY. WORK IT, BABY # # WORK IT, BABY # # WORK IT, BABY. WORK IT, BABY # MAN: HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE SEX? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION. I MEAN, IT'S A PG-13 MOVIE. WE'RE LIMITED TO VERY MILD SEXUAL CONTENT. ABOVE THE WAISTS... OVER THE SHIRTS... NO TONGUES... NO TONGUE. MAN: HOW ABOUT THIS WEEK? A HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SEVEN. # TOO BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # WHAT'S UP? # # I'M GONNA FREE-STYLE WITH THE BIG OLD BOOTIES # # IF YOU GOT TOO MUCH BOOTY IN YOUR PANTS # # AND YOU WANT TO DANCE, YO, T, KICK THAT STUPID SH... # # EVERYBODY, GATHER AROUND # # IT'S THE T ABOUT TO THROW DOWN # # IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM # # I'M THAT FOOL WHO MAKES YOU JAM # # NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO PARTY # # FEEL THE RHYTHM IN YOUR BODY # # I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOUR SOUL # # SHAKE THAT BOOTY, MAKE IT ROLL # # WORK IT, WORK IT, AIN'T NO STOPPING # # KEEP ON, KEEP ON, KEEP ON ROCKING # # TWIST THAT BOOTY ROUND AND ROUND # # BRING IT ON DOWN, BRING IT ON DOWN # # IF YOU ARE A SEXY CUTIE # # AND YOU GOT A BIG OLD BOOTY # # COME ON, BABY, COME ON, DANCE # # WITH TOO MUCH BOOTY IN YOUR PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE # # NOW I GOT YOU IN THE GROOVE # # SHAKE THAT BOOTY LIKE A FOOL # # ALL THE LADIES WITH THE BOOM # # ONE, TWO, THREE, LET ME HEAR YOU SAY: BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA, BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA, BOOM # # BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA, BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA, BOOM # # YEAH, SAY, BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA, BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA, BOOM # # BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA, BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA, BOOM # # AW, YEAH # # COME ON, PARTY PEOPLE, DON'T STOP # # WE'RE GONNA TAKE YOU STRAIGHT TO THE TOP # # TOO MUCH BOOTY IN YOUR PANTS # # PUT THE FELLAS IN A TRANCE # # YO, FELLAS, LET ME HEAR YOU SAY YEAH # - MEN:# YEAH! # - # IF YOU LIKE A BIG BOOTY # - # SAY YEAH # - MEN:# YEAH! # # ALL YOU LADIES IN THE HOUSE, SAY YEAH # - WOMEN:# YEAH! # - # IF YOU GOT THE BIG BOOTY # - # SAY YEAH # - WOMEN:# YEAH! # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, TOO MUCH BOOTY IN THE PANTS # # DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE # # IF YOU GOT A LOT OF BOOTY IN YOUR PANTS # # THEN YOU GOTTA DO THE` GOT A LOT OF BOOTY IN YOUR PANTS # # THEN YOU GOTTA DO THE` GOT A LOT OF BOOTY IN YOUR PANTS # # THEN YOU GOTTA DO THE GOT A LOT OF BOOTY IN YOUR, GOT A LOT OF BOOTY IN YOUR # WOMEN: # BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA # # BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA # # BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA # # BOOM, SHAKA-LAKA-LAKA # # HERE I COME, BACK FOR MORE # # SO MASTER T, ON THE FLOOR # # NOBODY'S LEAVING OUT THE DOOR # # GONNA WORK THAT BOOTY TILL IT'S SORE # # JUST KEEP ON BOUNCING UP AND DOWN # # I'M A-KEEP ON BOOMING IN YOUR SOUNDS # # THAT'S HOW WE DO IT IN CHI-TOWN # # BREAK DOWN # # AW, YEAH # CAPTIONS WERE MADE WITH THE SUPPORT OF NZ ON AIR. 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