* # Christmas # Christmas # Christmas # Well, it's Christmas time, pretty baby # And the snow is falling on the ground # Christmas # Christmas # Got no sleigh with reindeer # No sack on my back # You're gonna see me coming # In a big black Cadillac # Oh, it's Christmas time, pretty baby # And the snow is falling on the ground # Mrs Claus is hot! (WOLF-WHISTLES) 'My name is Samantha Caine... At least I think it is.' 'You might not believe it to look at me but I was born only eight years ago on a beach in New Jersey. I entered the world fully grown, in clothes I don't remember buying.' 'In the back pocket, a single key, filed blank and faceless.' 'Fitting metaphor, but otherwise no help whatsoever ` none.' 'Sometimes I stand naked in the mirror, try to guess my age.' '35, maybe?' 'I have lots of scars.' 'They call my condition "focal retrograde amnesia".' 'It's no picnic, but I've learned to live with it.' 'I have a job I love. Been seeing someone.' 'Nice guy. Good sense of humour.' Uh-oh. Hound of the Baskervilles. Mad dogs, mad dogs. Hal, I've got to tell you. Of all the Christmas presents ever, this was by far the most recent. Sam, I've got teenage girls playing the three wise men. What do you expect? Teenage boys? I thought they'd be fine! It was the first Nativity where Joseph stares at the wise men's tits all night. Yeah? (LAUGHS) 'HER name is Caitlin, and when I woke up on that day, I was 2 months pregnant with her.' 'I don't know who her father is, I may never, I just know she's mine.' His name is Mr Perkins. My mom named him. Caitlin, come help in the kitchen! That's her. That's who? Her mom. She's got amnesia. Swear? Swear. Too weird. Hello, girls. Come help me in the kitchen. Hurry up, cos I forget where it is. Bah! # Rocking Around The Christmas Tree # And they're rocking around the Christmas tree # At the Christmas party hop # Mistletoe hung where you can see # Every couple tries to stop # Raymond! Smoke again, they'll never find the body. Yes, Miss Caine. Have a cookie. Attention, s'il vous plait... As the year draws to a close, I would like to share with you just a few things about myself of which I am especially proud. First, I'm proud to say... that I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh, shit! I do smoke and drink! To our dear friends, may the best of your past... be the worst of your future. I'll drink to that. Take a bow, my dear, take a bow. I've got the mistletoe. 'Eight years.' 'Except for my name, all traces are lost.' 'I used to hire expensive detectives.' 'Now I'm down to the cheap ones. Doesn't matter.' 'The woman I was, the one I used to be, is gone.' 'I've kissed her good night.' Police! Don't move! What the hell is this? Ah, ah! Don't give me attitude, sir. You're assuming I won't shoot your sorry ass. You make an assumption, you make an ass out of you and umption. I'm Sergeant Madigan, Vice, and if you do cop a 'tude, jerkoff, I will see to it you spend the next ten years in prison getting ass-fucked. And if the case is thrown out because my arrest was violent, I will personally hire men to ass-fuck you for the next ten years. So if you're an ass-fucking fan, you go ahead and mouth off! Meanwhile, you're under arrest for the crime of prostitution. Officer Dunleathy, read him his rights. What? Rights. You have the remight... You have the right to remain silent. And er... anything you say and do will be held against you ` Hey, you've got to listen, man. I've got a wife. This is the first time I've ever done this. Sir... Sir. Sir! Listen to me. I see from your choice you're not a wealthy man. In light of the damage an arrest could do, we might be able to come to an arrangement. (RETCHING) WOMAN: Oh, God! You got to stop using bums. Huh! Forget that! They looked like cops. We pulled it off, didn't we? It was embarrassing. You want me to hire an actress?! These guys are cheap. They work for food. And when they puke all over you, is that like a refund? (CHOKES) Oh! Oh! Oh, Trin! I'm pissing myself, you're so funny. So, what's this? I got movement on Samantha Caine. You're kidding? I may have a lead on someone. Rented amnesia chick an apartment in '87. It may still have her stuff. Hey! Where did that come from? Lucky break. Old lady died, her grandkid found a credit card with Samantha Caine's name. Tried to use it at Nordstrom's. OK, here's what we do. You get on the phone to amnesia chick. Tell her we need more cash. # DEAN MARTIN: Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow (SLURRED) That was a really swell party. Thanks again for the ride. You and Hal, you've been together what, a couple of years? Mm-hm. How often do you two er...? Pull our fingers in and out of our hands? Every chance we get. Earl, every few words have bubbles come out of your mouth and say hic. Goddammit, I'm not drunk! I'll prove it to you. Hey... Hey, come on. Hey! Stop that! I'm sorry! (SCREAMS) # And the fire is slowly dying # And, my dear, we're still goodbye-ing # But as long as you love me so # Let it snow, let it snow and snow # STAG GROANS CRACK "And so much for the skydiving Santa of Hutchinson County." "Meanwhile, WICC News went to Homesdale today, where Mrs Cringle celebrated her hubby's world tour, and after one look at her, I'm thinking Santa got what he REALLY wanted this Christmas." "There were floats from four counties." "Everyone had fun, especially the young and the young at heart." You gotta be fucking kidding! No! No fucking way! It's impossible! So, you rest up. And I'll see you in the morning. Sweet dreams. I want a cigarette. I don't smoke. You used to. See how easy it comes back? I'm coming back. You know that, don't you? The name's Charly, by the way. You're gonna love me. This is the intergalactic slammer, the jail. This is the Borean dude, like a dinosaur. This is his escape chute. He's mean, quick, and he don't take no shit. He can shoot at the guards with his arrow. (LAUGHS) It's cool, huh? Todd,... time for dinner. Now. Guess you'd better go in. Hey, hope you like the toy. It's awesome. Dad,... Mom ` she gets weird. Like on my birthday, when you gave me that swing. She called the bicycle store to see if there's been any robberies. Look, tell her I don't steal them locally, all right? Sorry, but I can't take this. You know how Mom will get. Guess I'll see you. Yeah, all right. How do you like that? BEEPER Yo, Trin ` me. What's up? "Ready to be happy? Remember the landlady I told you about?" "Caine was her best tenant." One day, the tenant never comes home. Old lady can't throw away amnesia chick's shit. "It's pay dirt. I got a postcard." "Woman saying she got engaged." "Samantha's handwriting, perfect match." "She was engaged to a guy in Jersey. There's an address." Holy shit! Score! "That's worth time and a half." Double. Her other PIs didn't find dick. It took a true dick hound like you. "Tell Caine I'll see her tonight." DOG BARKING Honey, you have...an ETA on that carrot? Stow it. Maybe you should just take it with you to school. You're killing me! You're so funny! Ow! Here, give me the knife. Nix! I'll cut it and you'll eat the blood-soaked pieces. Piss off! Hon... Look at something, will you? How the hell... I used to do this! I'm a chef. Yahoo! Look at what she's doing. Get me something else. Quick! Anything! Go, man! I'm hot to trot. Tomato. Look at this! More. Pepper! Pepper! More! More! Scallions. Scallions. One more tomato. Look at this woman, she's amazing! Chefs do that. Timothy, I know you're gonna kill me, man. I know you are. PLEASE use the gun, not the knife. As a favour to me, I'm begging you. God damn it, how can I tell the feds about the fucking 'Honeymoon' thing? I don't know a fucking thing about it. No, you don't! I don't know a fucking thing! I can tell when someone's lying to me. MOBILE PHONE RINGS What's so fucking important? "Remember your old colleague ` One-eyed Jack?" He's doing 7 to 10 upstate. "He's not any more. He broke out." "Two days after seeing something on TV that, quote unquote, disturbed him." Yeah, I saw it too. It's called Baywatch Nights. Get to the point. "Well, under sedation, he said Charly Baltimore's alive, sir." "Daedalus is understandably concerned." "He was under the impression you disposed of her eight years ago." "I know it's highly unlikely, but if she were alive" "I'm thinking she may be in touch with the old man in Massachusetts." Tap his phone. Tell Daedalus I'm on my way. Timothy out. I can't see Mr Perkins. He's there. He's on the sled, see? He's watching you. He's very excited. That's better. Ready to try alone? I want you to hold my hand. Oh, just pretend I am. You can do it. Piece of cake. Here you go. Ready? Mom, it won't work, I swear. Sure it will. You're one of the X-Men. You're tough. Ready? Three, two, one... Wait! I'm not ready! Keep going! Keep going! Ow! Ow! I can't do it. I want to go home. Look, I know you're afraid. That's the whole point, can't you see? Stop being a little baby and get up. I can't skate any more. My wrist hurts. Life...is pain. Get used to it! See, you will skate all the way to the shore, princess. And you will not fall again. Am I understood? I'm just guessing, but er... this is a tree house. I think you want a doghouse. A little joke. She said that her wrist hurt. I didn't know it was fractured. I don't remember... what I said to her. I can't remember. No! For God's sake, I won't hurt you! It's not me I'm worried about. CAROL SINGING # Peace on the earth # Goodwill to men # From heaven's all-gracious King! # The world in solemn stillness lay # To hear the angels sing # It came upon the midnight clear # Evening, Charly... Long time. Mommy! I want my eye back, bitch! Chefs do that. SIREN Caitlin! We have to find Caitlin! Caitlin! Caitlin! Slow down! Your kid's OK, she's in my car. Jesus! What the hell's going on? Freeze! Don't hurt him! Don't shoot! Yeah, don't shoot ` like she said! Call an ambulance! This man... he's going to help me find out some things. So we'll be safe... You understand? When will you be back home? Before you know it. I swear. Here. I want you to keep a candle burning in the window. For me. That's called keeping a vigil. OK? That's to light my way home. Here. This is to my portable phone. I keep it with me... and you call me any time. OK? Why don't you keep this? For luck. Let's let Mr Perkins wear it. There. See? You do what you have to. But, Sam,... the person you used to be... whatever you find, I'm not scared. Never will be, not ever. Thank you. * Mr Perkins... you lost one of your agents, whose training included, among other things, counter-assassination. And now she turns up as belle of the Christmas parade. That news is two weeks old, Mr President. To my knowledge, Charlene Baltimore died in my emploi. A relic of the Cold War. The kind of violent operative that has since been eliminated from our ranks. You recruited this woman? For Chapter, sir. In the late '70s her father was a friend of mine... Stop that, I don't want to hear it. Intelligence community! You are unbelievable! You dump this mess on me and then come whining, 'Where is our funding?' Well, I'll tell you where it is. Can you say healthcare? # ON CAR RADIO: I'm not talking about moving in # And I don't want to change your life # But there's a warm wind blowing the stars around # And I'd really love to see you tonight # I'm not talking about the linen # And I don't want to change your life # Moving in. What? It's er... It's um... The song's not about linen. Not linen. Yeah, whatever... So, are you cold? Yeah, freezing. Turn on the heating. It doesn't work, but it makes a noise, distracts from the cold. I'll pass, thanks. Who knew I had an old fiance? And we're just going to pay a surprise visit? Well, there are no bells or whistles going off, cos I don't remember any of this. That's too bad. That's the cream of the crop. I forgot to ask... why is it that you got so far? Say, what? Well,... I mean,... you seem kind of... low-rent. No offence. None taken, really. I was about to ` Hey! Hey, now! TYRES SCREECH Shit! Mm! (CLEARS THROAT) Are you OK? Is your neck OK? You don't have whiplash or anything? What? I'm just... er... Since you almost ran us off the road, I'm wondering what it is you get from an experience like that. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's very enriching, and I know she was moved by having some asshole hang out the window and go, 'Whoo-hoo!' Hey, I didn't go, 'Whoo, whoo!' I checked out her form, OK? If it's any consolation, you got her beat hands down. (FLATLY) Really? Yeah. (MUTTERS) From the neck up. This is exciting. You saw her tits. It's so neat (!) Look, it's a guy thing, all right? You got a nice body, but you could see them coming around the corner! You got time to comb your hair! Hey, hey, hey. What's that? Charly was my name in the dream. 'To Charly, love, Nathan.' Nathan J Waldman, PhD. All right, let's find a phone. Found one. Find his number. "Take the stand." "I got it. Now what'll I do with it?" "Sit down!" LAUGHTER ON TV Alice, please. Your dog, Alice. It and my appetite are mutually exclusive. Well, what's wrong with the dog? Simple. He's been licking his ass for three hours. There is nothing there worth the attention. I think whatever he is attempting to dislodge is either gone for good, or there to stay. PHONE RINGS Wouldn't you agree? Yes. Hello. Mr Waldman, um... I got your number from a realtor in Massachusetts. "And I'd like to speak to you." Who is this? You tell me, Mr Waldman. Charly?! My full name, please? God... it's really you! Chapter... They think you're dead, everyone thinks ` My full name, please! You don't know your name? Your full name... is Charlene Elizabeth Baltimore. "Don't talk, Charly, just listen." "You could be in danger." We must meet. We must meet straightaway. Where are you now? Um... Strasburg, Pennsylvania. We'll meet halfway. There's a town in New Jersey ` Chesterman. Tomorrow. Central train station. At 11am. Meet me. I'll tell you everything. Signal Daedalus... We got her. ON TV: "Curry Bran cat food. It's the only kind of food..." "All this shit is the same." "Yeah? You can't have a cat." "Why do I need a cat? I got a girl." Yeah, pussy's pussy. # Kiss a long goodbye # And it happens every day... # "Mom, can I stay up for Rugrats?" What, sweetie? I lost... "Rugrats. I want to stay up." Yes, you can stay up for Rugrats. "Oh, good. I'm going to go now." All right... Mommy loves you. "I love you, too." Big kiss. "Bye, Mom." # Da-da-da-da-da # Putting my glasses in my pocket # Da-da-da-da-da # Putting my jacket on the chair # Da-da-da-da-da # (LAUGHS) I um... sing the things I do, so I won't forget... Like er... # Da-da-da-da-da # Turning off the downstairs light # Da-da-da-da-da Before I go to bed at night # Da-da-da-da-da # Shit! I can't take this fucking waiting. Excuse me, do you normally curse this much? I... What are you, a Mormon? Yes, I'm a Mormon. That's why I just smoked a pack of Newport and drank three vodkas. When we first met, you were all like... 'Oh, phooey, I burned the darn muffins.' Now, you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come running out. Thanks for sharing. Mind your own damn business. While you're at it, if you're going to smoke inside, close the door. (GASPS) No! Hey, I heard you scream... (CRICKETS CHIRP) (FLY BUZZES) THINKS: Hmmm... If I get hurt, who's gonna take Mia to karate? - Hah! Ah! - Who's gonna chat to Auntie? - And this is Morocco. - Oh. - Yes. It was a beautiful sunset. - Hmmm... - Who's gonna take Nui for a walk? - (DOG WHINES) Hmmm... 'Who's gonna give me a bath?' - No thank you, darling. - (WATER DRIPS) (FLY BUZZES) (SIGHS) * Henessey! I didn't know about the gun! I wasn't hiding things, I swear! Goddammit, stop walking! I'm going home. It's all you! I paid you! Here. Here, take your money. Take it! I can't go home till I know why that man tried to kill me. I'm trapped. It's like I'm in prison! Do you know how that feels? Yeah! I know exactly what that's like! Four years inside Marion, Illinois. A real shithole! And I'm not going back! # JIMMY CLIFF: Many Rivers To Cross # Many rivers to cross # But I can't seem to find # My way over... Seven years ago, I was an Atlanta cop. Me and my partner handled a lot of impounded shit. That motherfucker hated me. I forget why, but he did. Well, one weekend when he was conveniently away, some bonds disappeared from his office. Lo and behold, when my brothers in blue responded to an anonymous tip, you'll never guess what they found in my closet. Mm. The bonds. Your partner put them there. Oh, no, no, no. I did. I stole the damn things. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) I never did one thing right in my life, you know that? Not one... That takes skill. # Such a drag to be on your own # My woman left and she didn't say why... We just missed our exit. Mm-hm. Give me back my money. Oh, so you're... I'm taking you to the train station, yes, to meet Mr Waldman. There you go. Merry Christmas. Bah humbug. Look out the window. Shut up. # There've been times I find myself # Thinking of committing... # You know we're about ten minutes early. I got a bad feeling about this. # Da-da-da-da-da # Put my keys in my left pocket # Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm # Gun in the right-hand side # It bulges. People can see. You want me to stick it in my pants and shoot my damn dick off? Now you're a sharpshooter? STATION TANNOY # Da-da-da-da-da I want to shake hands with the man # How you doing? Hi. Is this for you? Another in a long line of bad personal investments. Excuse me? I just saw the ring on your finger. Do I know you from somewhere? Oh, back up. Total pick-up line. Forget I said it. I take it back. Thank you for the beer, but I don't know you, no. No, you don't. I can tell when someone's er... lying to me. I er... I'm sorry to have bothered you. Yours? Who's your boyfriend? Oh, some guy. OK, people, I got what I need. Move in, do them both. Hey, hey! That man walking this way. Is that him? I think so. Mr Waldman? Gun! Jesus wept! Let's go! We got to get to the car! This way! This way! Come on! No! No! No! No! Come on! No! No! No! This way! Move it! Come on! Dammit, come on! Oh, shit! Here, take this. Take it! I got three shots left. You got a full clip. Just point and spray... OK? Ready... and... Fuck it! Run for your life! There's no way out! We're three storeys high. Are you crazy?! RAPID GUNFIRE What happened? I saved your ass. Come on! We've got to get to the car! Come on! This way! This way! Come on! Get down! Get in! Both of you! Now! I said now! CAR HORN * We jumped out of a building! It was exciting. Tomorrow we go to the zoo. You're Waldman. No, I'm the Hills Brothers bean buyer. Who else? Hang on. Look, if you want me to talk in front of him, you may have to kill him later. Your call. Fire out the back if you have to. Jesus, how many of those you got? One shoulder, one hip, and one next to Mr Wally. An agent's often reluctant to feel a man's groin. Any more questions? What's the weather like on your planet? (SIGHS) Charlene, my darling. My name is Samantha. Samantha Caine. No, no, no! Forget all that schoolteacher business. It was your cover. Do you hear, Charly? Your memory was gone, you bought a cover. It was a fantasy! Samantha Caine never existed. You wrote the bloody thing! No, it's not a fantasy! I'm in the goddamn PTA! Then quit! You're an assassin for the US government. I ought to know. I trained you. Get the fuck outta here! (LAUGHS) Assassin! Your father was in the Royal Irish Rangers, assigned to Belfast. After he was murdered there in 1975, his friend, Perkins, adopted you. Maybe I should say recruited you to work for Chapter. A black-bag operation working from the US State Department. October 1988 ` you had to take out a munitions dealer, Daedalus, and his enforcer, Timothy. You failed to complete the mission, electing to die, despite orders to the contrary. And dead you remain, until you re-emerge, eight years later and much frumpier. Anyhow, I think we can safely assume Daedalus knows of your resurrection and is attempting to reverse it. He'll be watching. We must stay away, understand? Yes, Mr Henessey? Can I help you? Henessey, what is it? It's a setup. It's gotta be. Put that down. This is not an episode of television. The guys at the station. How did they know we'd be there? Impossible, unless he told them. I did nothing of the kind. They tapped your phone, then. I know it sounds preposterous. Just happened to know we'd call? Get in the car. See here, my friend... Oh, shit! Get in the car, now! So, how about it? Do you believe any of that crap? Oh, I don't... No. The guy was a lunatic. We've got to talk to someone else. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I hope not, cos I'm thinking how much my balls hurt. If you mean the postcard, I don't want to meet any more old friends. We have no choice. We need some answers or we die. I... saw you from the road. I... I think your name is Luke and... I think I was going to marry you. Charly? Oh, baby. Oh, man. Luke... She's my only daughter, and I don't quite trust you yet. So, you and Mr Outdoors here bumped pelvises? It's possible. How about your daughter? What's her name? Cathead? Caitlin. You think he might be the father? I don't know, I don't know. But little details are coming back. I remember things about him. Like what? Is this America's Funniest Videos, or something? Keep your fucking hands where I can see 'em! I had an itch. Charly, this is crazy. You and me, we were like er... Mm. Don't you remember? Hell, you pursued me! I know he has a pin in his leg ` car accident. He cuts his own hair. He doesn't own a TV, he sits down when he pees... Hey, that's enough, I'm getting a boner. Henessey, I know this man. I must have been seeing him. Let me talk to him... alone. # Now when I was a young boy... I'm sorry. Wanna take a walk? # My mother said I'd be # The greatest man alive... # # Da-da-da-da-da. Got me a handgun # Da-da-da-da-da. Got a rifle too # Da-da-da-da-da. Anybody fucks with Mitch, # He knows just what to do # Cos I'm a... bad motherfucker` # Stay quiet and drop the rifle. How did you find us? One of many reasons not to kill you is not that you'd be missed by NASA. I found the address in your coat. Here, between the address of a topless bar and a picture of what looks like a man's penis. That's a duck, not a dick. The man she's with, who is he? Her former fiance. His name's Luke. Former fiance? That's ridiculous! She was never engaged. I just went through this with her. She knows how the man pees. Look at 'em. He's cool. Former fiance? Why on earth would she think that? We found a note in her handwriting. She saw a note? Hey, who are you, William Shatner? A note to her uncle. Max? Yeah. Uncle Max? That's the Agency, you idiot. The word engaged means she's locked on to target. Fuck! He's a target?! A target, yes. She studied the bastard to assassinate him! Sam! Sam! Charly! Charly! He's Daedalus! Get out of there! It's him! * Howdy there. If it isn't the forgetful spy. How are you feeling? You're the man from the bar. Would you look at her? She's not faking. She doesn't know me from Adam. It's not that I don't trust my compadre here, Major Baltimore. I believed your amnesia was genuine, until you showed up here. You follow? I'm trying to pull off the biggest job of my career. So, darling, I have to know... how much about me you really remember. And who you've told. I haven't told a soul, I swear. We'll soon know. What is this? A kind of torture thing? Torture, yes. A woman's face never looks quite so beautiful as when it's distended in pain. Witness...the beauty of childbirth. Untie me and I'll make any face you want. Let's not and say we did. Take a deep breath. We're going to do the torture thing. Operation Honeymoon's on schedule. I've secured the tanker. Now I've just got to make the soup. I'll follow as soon as I'm done here. (LAUGHS) Ten minutes in this cold water, she'll be insane or dead. Five minutes, she'll tell me what I need. (GASPING AND PANTING) That's right, take all the air you can. If you need to vomit, do it now. So, you um... don't remember anything...at all? Best night of your fucking life. I say drown the wench. Talk to me, Major. Is my identity safe? My name...is Samantha...Caine. (GASPS) Answer the question. Who knows about me? Nobody! Fuck you! Fuck you! (FRIGHTENED SOBBING) Hate to see you like this, Charly. I heard you were a hell of a spy. Watch your back. I'm not done yet. Good night. OK, I'll signal Daedalus. Your money will be waiting. Jack? Jack! Jack! Do yourselves a favour, man. Don't let her looks fool you. She's the Energizer fucking bunny. Just do her and dump her. Don't try to get cute. I made that mistake. It nearly killed me. (SCREAMS) Motherfucker! (DEFIANT SCREAM) Daedalus... make your deal. Let me go now and I'll leave you the use of your legs. Why have you resurfaced? Is it Operation Honeymoon? Is that it? Who sent you? Why are you here? I let you touch me, cowboy. I think I need a bath. Samantha... please. Who's Samantha? Where's Henessey? GUNSHOT GUNFIRE * # SANTANA: She's Not There # No-one told me about her # The way she lied # Well, no-one told me about her # How many people cried # But it's too late to say you're sorry # How would I know? Why should I care? # Please don't bother trying to find her # She's not there # Well, let me tell you about the way she looked # The way she acted, the colour of her hair # Her voice was soft and cool, her eyes were clear and bright # But she's not there # "The lengthening of its neck... Its front feet are a little bit larger." "It's good to have paddle-like feet..." # LABELLE: Lady Marmalade # Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister # Hey sister, go sister, soul sister, go sister # He met Marmalade down in old New Orleans... Hey, Mitch! You're awake. # You wanna give it a go? # Mm-hm Gitchi, gitchi, ya ya, da da... Uh-oh. You're seeping. Here, look at this. Oh, shit! (GROANS) Ah, that hurt like shit! I know. That's why I distracted you first. Same principle as deflowering virgins. Huh? What? Vir ` What? It was in a Harold Robbins book. A guy bites her ear, distracts from the pain. Ever try it? I sock them in the jaw and yell, 'Pop goes the weasel.' Who the fuck are you? The name's Charly... the spy. Nice to meet you. # Gitchi, gitchi, ya ya... Drink? Yeah. # Gitchi, gitchi, ya ya... # "As you can see, things are still crazy here, but the sheriff told me there have been gunshots..." OK, let's say I buy it. You are a trained killer. (LAUGHS) I can't even say that with a straight face. So, Samantha ` she um... Never really existed. Like Nathan said, she was a total fabrication. I made her up. So, now she's just er... gone, for ever and ever? Thank God! Look at my inordinately large ass. Look what she did to me! Pretty convincing act. I guess. Her personality had to come from somewhere. Change the subject. Better yet, bring me that bottle. (WINCES) There you go, drink up. So, what's next? What do we do now? I contact Chapter. I come in for debriefing, bury the last eight years, get back to work... Cheers. Would you believe it, Harry? We've got a review in three weeks, and now the President wants to know how I lost an agent. You have a call on line three, sir. Are you going to tell me who it is? Charly Baltimore, sir. Run a trace. This is Mr Perkins. Turn on the TV. Farm in New Jersey, seven dead. Charly! Good Lord, girl, we've been looking all over for you. What the hell is happening? Don't be stupid. I completed my assignment. You mean Daedalus? I shot him. He's pretty much dead. I would have done it earlier, like in '92, but I was baking. Don't ask. I want to come in. Sure. Of course. Let me direct you to a safe house. "Forget it. We play it my way." You want me back, stay away. I'll call you. Those are the rules. Shit! Did you hear that? If she got to Daedalus, she could know about Honeymoon. And that old targets are your new best friends. That could be trouble. God damn you! There were weapons on that farm. She's armed now! Ssh! Stop having kittens. You're the head of a spy network, but you have a tendency to whine. She could compromise the operation. We have 24 hours. We find her... and we kill her. Do whatever it takes, but you be careful. If it gets out you're working for me, I'll be grabbing my ankles on the White House lawn. The lady's wacked, Trin. I've got to get away. I need you to meet me. I'll sneak out at midnight and call with the details. Bye. OK, Sam, what did that accomplish? I'm testing our boy Perkins. Got a light? I don't really trust him. Come again? A little experiment. If he looked for me in Pennsylvania, he tapped your office. You mean he just traced that call? At midnight, hang by the phone. If he wants to erase me, he'll send someone to torture you for my whereabouts. In which case, I don't trust him. No, no, no, no. Time out. # Well, hello there # My, it's been a long, long time... I haven't had a date in eight years, Mitch. Is this a fun date? # Oh, I guess I'm doing fine... # What's going on? True love. Shut the fuck up. Beautiful white lady seducing the coloured help. Get real, sweetheart. I ain't handsome, I ain't rich. And the last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel. What's going on? Chemistry. Go figure. Chemistry, my ass! You know what I think? I think this is why you'd fuck me. To kill a schoolteacher. To bury her once and for all. I liked that schoolteacher. When she comes back, give me a call. Call your kid. It's two days to Christmas. She might be under the mistaken impression mommy gives a fuck. I didn't ask for the kid. Samantha had the kid, not me! Nobody asked me! DOOR SLAMS # For Jesus Christ our saviour was born upon this day # To save us all from Satan's power when we have gone astray # Oh, tidings of comfort... # Hey, pretty lady. Want some company? No, thanks. I'm saving myself till I get raped. Step in the alley. I ain't asking you, I'm telling you. Fuck. Goddammit, you're early. So, Perkins wants me dead, huh? What's the rush? Why don't you just go away and come back at midnight? Shoo! Honey, this is a really big gun. This ain't no ham on rye, pal. What the hell are you doing? Saving your life. I'm late cos I was thinking up the ham on rye line. You think I can't take him? Now you've scared the others away. What others? Head-hunters! They don't work alone. Were you always this stupid or did you take lessons? I took lessons. Hey! BOTH: What? I've still got this fucking gun! Fuck this. Put that away. I'm outta here. # One more time, my baby # Say yeah, yeah, yeah # Say yeah, yeah, yeah... Perkins, you prick! Now you want me dead? Why? What's going on? Easy, sport. I got myself out of Beirut once. I can get out of New Jersey. Yeah? Well, don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population, in fact. Mm... Question. You keep saying I this, I that. Well, it's like you don't need me any more. Good point. Hey! Hey! Hey! # Say yeah, yeah, yeah # Say yeah, yeah, yeah # Whoa, whoa, whoa # I'm gonna love you # Gonna love you in every way # In every way # I'm gonna love you # Gonna love you in every way... Get in. # I guess I'm just a loving kind of guy # Who's got my mind made up to love you # Whoa... # Found a use for me, huh? Yup. I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money. Lots of it. Why didn't you say so? I'll pull that out of my ass. The key, Mitch. The one I keep on a charm bracelet. It opens Box 227 in a Buffalo bank. How the fuck would you know? The numbers are filed off. I filed them off. There's a briefcase in Box 227. It's got cash and IDs in it. I need you to get them for me. Phhh! (LAUGHS) Shit, I should have known. OK. So, where's this charm bracelet? Well, that's the thing about being a secret agent, Mitch. Nothing is ever simple. * BELL CHIMES Drive past. Don't slow down. You can park under those trees. Honk if there's any trouble. Yes, Miss Daisy. I'll be honking. Good morning, Raymond. Good morning, Miss Caine. What did we learn about the dangers of smoking? Give it here. Thanks. Tell anyone you saw me, I'll blow your fucking head off. CAROL SINGING # A light divine... # CAR HORN Oh. Fuck! Hi! You're about to have 2.4 children. No. Please! Merry Christmas. So, how far to the money? Hour, tops. I haven't seen a cop in a while. So, Mitch... Still think I'm warm and fuzzy? Oh, yeah, sure. Anything? Uh, phone bill. Christmas card. You could have aimed for their shoulders. Back off, man. You know, I'm thinking maybe Samantha Caine wasn't an act. Yeah, you had amnesia and all, but... I think you forgot to hate yourself for a while. RINGING The fuck is that? RINGING CONTINUES Oh. Hello? "It's me. I've got your kid." "Give your location. Don't waste time." State road 5,... 15 minutes east of Union Springs, New York. "I don't like cellular phones, so listen." "Go to the nearest Holiday Inn. It's in Cayuga." "Be there when I call in 15 minutes." Who? He's got the kid. Timothy? He's riding me to a land line. He doesn't want to talk over the airwaves. Oh, shit! Maybe we can trace HIM. Trace him? How? It's a random motel. How long did he give you? 15 minutes. Why don't we try the phone company? Think you can get here in under 15 minutes? TYRES SCREECH Nobody move! You! You've got 40 seconds to run a patch for me. Everybody up against the wall! PHONE RINGS Holiday Inn, Jet speaking. "I'd like to page Charlene Baltimore." Please hold. Yeah. Hi. It's me. No shit. Verify you have the kid. How did I get your mobile number? It was on the cast on her right wrist. "Right below 'Mommy loves you.'" I offer up a simple trade. You for the girl. I'll tell you where and when. And, Charly, you fuck with me,... I'll blind the kid. And shoot at her knees. Give me an ANI trace. Do it! How do you know so much about this Timothy? Oh, what do you think? I bumped pelvises with him. He was a target, remember? Ma'am? That call was placed from Niagara Falls. Niagara Falls? Operation Honeymoon. Bingo! Perkins. What's he doing here? Ah! Timothy acting alone,... we had a chance. - I was seven months' pregnant, and I contracted COVID at a tangi. We spent 34 days in isolation. I couldn't breathe well on my own. I ended up contracting COVID pneumonia. I was the first hapu mama in Jet Park. It was really terrifying for us. I don't want other whanau to have to go through what I've been through. If there's a way that that can be prevented, I would 100% take it. * Charly's hooked. All we've got to do is set a time and a place. My God, we're monsters. You talk to me about Honeymoon. Tanker's ready. One terrorist on ice, waiting to play patsy. Now, no loose ends. No, not that I can tell. The feds will find him crashed in a ravine five miles from the blast site. I'm not a complete ogre. The young one gets a doll to play with at Christmas. Oh, fuck you. 'I think I should go in first.' Negative. You'd screw it up. Hey, I'm a much better shot up close. You couldn't hit a lake if you were on the bottom. Here. The guards are at 126.9 megahertz. You meet me... At 127.1, you need to talk. As soon as you spot me with the kid, you start laying down cover fire. All right. They're going to blow my head off, you know. This is the last time I'll ever be pretty. Northeast sector. All clear. 'Roger.' GUN COCKED Bogey. "Round her up, gentlemen. I want her alive and unmarked." She's got the kid! I smell gasoline. Did you have an accident? I've got matches. It'd be a bad way for a kid to go. 30 seconds. Think it over. (GROANS) Pick him up. I'm going to miss you, Major. You should have stayed dead. You don't know the rules any more. Tell me about it (!) Eight years ago, he was on the hit list. Budget cuts, dear. Congress blinded us overseas. I was forced to get any eyes and ears I could find, even if that meant recruiting the 'bad guys' here. Budget cuts? Is that what this is about?! Operation Honeymoon. Fuck me! You're running a fundraiser! Fundraiser? 1993. World Trade Center bombing, remember? During the trial, one of the bombers said the CIA had advanced knowledge. The diplomat who issued the terrorist's visa was CIA. It's not unthinkable they paved the way for the bombing, purely to justify a budget increase. You're going to fake a terrorist thing to get money from Congress? Unfortunately, Mr Henessey, I can't fake killing 4,000 people. So, we'll just have to do it for real. We'll blame it on the Muslims, naturally. Then I get my funding. Good night, old girl. Timothy, I'll be in Chopper One. No, no, no. Just her. Sam... I'll wait for you to rescue me. Be just a minute. Hey! So, you plant this poor Arab to take the fall. What's going out in the tanker? Come on. I'm gonna die, I want to know. OK. Chemical bomb. Chain reaction. Once started, it can't be stopped. The catalyst injected into the tanker heats up, we pull the truck into the centre of town. It goes crinkle around midnight. Farewell, adieu,... bang. Timothy... Please... let my kid go. I'm about all out of favours there, Chuck. I'm already giving you time with the kid while you freeze. Now, they're... They're going to find your bodies somewhere in Pennsylvania. You're just going to be written off as some crazy mommy. Kidnapped her own kid. Died with her in a blizzard. God damn you. Look at her eyes. Why would I want to do that? Because they're yours. That night... with you, I got pregnant. The little girl is your daughter. That's priceless. (LAUGHS) Would you bring my little bitch in here? Caity. Princess,... do you mind if I take a look at your fucking eyes? It's all right, Caity. We're going to take a nap together. We'll be like bears in the winter. Yeah. Bears. OK, thank you. Thank you. It ain't over. You're gonna die screaming. And I'm gonna watch. Am I telling the truth? Mommy, it's cold in here. Ssh, just for a minute. Polar bears, remember? Open. Step over this way. Now. Give me a spark! Hi, Mitch. Sorry to keep you waiting. For you, Tim? Always a pleasure to wait. I wanted to tell you this story. The Grinch, a mean fucker, you know? Come on! Do it! Do it! It being Christmas Eve, I'm gonna give you a choice. The knife... or the gun. Do it! (SOBS) Mommy, don't cry. I keep these here for lighting your candle. Oh, Caity! I love you. Sam called Washington. By morning, this place will be full of feds. We'll be gone by then, Mitch. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. A couple of those feds said they'd come early. The tanker goes bang at 312 degrees Celsius. Right in the centre of town. 25 minutes from now. Mommy, am I going to die? Oh, no, baby. No, you're not going to die. They are. Cover your ears. Hey, should we get a dog? Bye, Mitch. Thanks for coming. (SCREAMS) (SCREAMS) You foxy bitch. Mommy! Run, Caity! Hide! Caity! Yeah, Sam. They don't know who they're fucking with. Where the fuck is that kid going? Shit! Move it out! And find that bitch! "All right, people, listen up. Nothing changes." "Icy roads, five miles past the town limit, plant the car in the ravine, and get your asses out of there." Where did you go, baby? Tell Mommy. Sam? Sam, are you out there? "Sam, where are you?" Mitch, I don't believe it! Caitlin climbed in the back of the truck. She's in the tool box, left rear. Jesus, the truck is a bomb! Tell me something I don't know. Timothy rigged it. "312 degrees, it goes boom. We have 20 minutes, tops." I'll go in and get her. No chance. I make it a dozen, with automatic weapons. So, kill 'em for me, bitch. What are you good for? OK,... you can do this. "Mitch, no!" Just... do one thing right. "Talk to me, Mitch!" Please. "Mitch!" Goddammit! Your nine, Mitch. On your nine! 30 degrees left, Mitch. Left. Your other left! Gracias. De nada. They've got you flanked! Mitch, get out now! (GROANS) Mitch! Go! Let's go! TYRES SCREECH Listen up. She'll make a try for the payload. Units 2 and 4, watch your backs. Sky One, get me a chopper. I'm on my way. Out. * # Jingle Bells CAR HORN Let me through! TANKER HORN Out! Clear out of the way! This truck's gonna blow up! Move! "She has the truck! She's headed out of town!" "I'm hurt. I think I'm dying." Continue dying. Out. Head her off,... please! Oh, fuck! No! Not fair! Not fucking fair. Get out of the way! TANKER HORN Hang on, Caity! Suck my dick... every one of you bastards. (SCREAMS) Shit! (WHIMPERS) Oh, honey, only four inches? You'll feel me. No! (SCREAMS) (GROANS) Mommy! She must be in the truck! Get away from there! Mom? No! Help! Caity. Caity. Mommy, I hit my head. Oh. Oh. Caity... Run... Get out. Don't go away again, please! The truck is a bomb! It's gonna blow up! Go. I'm right behind you, baby. Go! Don't look back! Good girl. Here! Over here! Mommy, no! It's OK. I'm sorry I left. Please get up. "Charlie Team One, ready to advance." "Charlie One, that's a negative. Orders are to stand down until notified." Will you just stop it! Stop being a little baby! Get up now! You're not dead! Don't you die! You get up now! Life is pain! You just get used to it! So, stand up right this minute, Mommy. You're grounded. Get me to the bridge! I'm not leaving till I know that bitch is dead! Somebody... help me! I've got a kid here! My eight-year-old daughter. Do you hear me? "Somebody get this motherfucker off me!" "Help me!" Negative, ma'am. We hear your request, but... That's right. You can't kill me, motherfuckers. Sam! Mitch. Stay here! Here! I'm here! Sam! I'm here, you bastard! (SCREAMS) Die screaming, motherfucker! Don't let her get to the border! Cut 'em off! Go! CAITLIN: Don't hit the cars! Sorry... I can't drive any more. OK. Are you OK? Are you stupid? Hey, gorgeous. You've got your mommy's eyes. Don't let nobody tell you different. Hey, hang in there, partner. Did you forget we're rich? Hello? "I'll put you through to the President." "Hello, Miss Caine." Yes, Mr President. I owe you ` The country owes you a debt of tremendous gratitude. Would I be out of line if I asked you back into government? "Work for the State Department?" Out of the question, sir. I have papers to grade. The money involved would be...substantial. Oh, you'd be surprised how much a good teacher can earn. "Oh, gosh, I know!" "I am working on it, but it's for next term." Before I go, sir, there is a small favour I'd like to ask. Welcome to Larry King Live. Tonight, we seek closure in the matter of Leland Perkins, indicted on six counts of high treason. Joining us tonight is CIA section chief Walter Hodge in Virginia. At our studios in New York City, intelligence analyst Jack E Wadsworth. And in our studio here is Pittsburgh native Mitchell Henessey, who was singled out by the President of the United States for his role in this affair. As the expression goes, that ain't hay. Hello, Mitch. Thanks for coming. "Mitch, you have had one hell of a Christmas Eve." And we heard from our reporter Carla in Niagara Falls that when she first heard this story, she didn't believe it. What Carla didn't realise, Mr King, is that I'm always frank and earnest with women. In New York, I'm Frank, and in Chicago, I'm Ernest! Ah... Yeah, I could just sit out here for ever. Couldn't you? # TRACY BONHAM: Free # Free # You gotta be free # If you want to be like me # You've got to be free # Free # Flying high I almost touched the sky # To look down on those below me # Flying high I almost lived the lie # Except to those who really know me # Gettin' away with it # I'm gettin' away without losin' my head # No-one even noticed # It'll be a mystery # Soon to be forgotten # Now back to how I used to be # Free # Gotta be free # # NENEH CHERRY: Woman # You gotta be fortunate # You gotta be lucky now # I was just sitting here # Thinking been bad # But I've become a woman # That was built to last # They tried erasing me # They couldn't wipe out my past # To save my child # I'd rather go hungry # itfc subtitles Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2021