- Tell you what. This is such a hard thing. To define, or even admit. I am planning it. This is like a... ...a pre-planned act. You put your fingers down your throat. As you gag, you bite into your hand so hard, the wrenching to get it out, and then the physical movement of your throat. Your eyes are just bloodshot. Your eyes have gone. And it's all coming out of your mouth. I can stop doing this, whenever I want, just stop. I'll stop, it's fine. I am in control of this, I am. I am doing it. This is not an illness. This is me. (AMBIENT MUSIC) (SIGHS) I have had periods when I've not done it for a long time, and I've had periods when I have... I have done it. I have done it this year. It's not right, is it? I know it's not right, but I can't say for certain that this is going to stop. Or when it will happen again. I don't know. www.able.co.nz Able 2021 (AMBIENT MUSIC) (GRUNTS) My name is Andrew Flintoff. Most people call me Fred. Fred, have you got the handbrake on? I'm a TV presenter these days. Aaaaah!! But I used to play professional cricket for Lancashire in England. Throughout my career, I have lived with an eating disorder called bulimia. And despite being in the public eye, for years, I've managed to keep it hidden. Apart from my own experience, I know nothing about it. And part of me doesn't want to know. Cos I have been living with this, and going through it for a long time. But I'm 42. Four kids. I think I should... I think I should find out. (CHUCKLES) Here we are. Old Trafford. All right, Joe? Freddy, how ya doing? Yeah, good, mate, you? Looks-wise, I was tall. I just wanted to look bigger. I wanted to have a bit more presence about me. And I was also aware of people's different shapes. You know, you could look at someone in the dressing room, and he's got abs and he's got muscles and you think, 'Wow, he's fit.' Look at him, I remember him when he were born. I know his family. I remember him as a baby. Look at him now. He says it's Tuesday, it's Tuesday, isn't it? Look at the size of him. On the walls here at Old Trafford, there's loads of reminders of what I used to look like as a young cricketer. Jesus, look, I am just a skinny 16-year-old there. Then we move up the years. Oh, this is...this is a shocker, this one. Look at t'face on me. (CHUCKLES) Oh, my word. And you go to '98, and I look massive. Look at the size of me! I played for England that year. Now, the first floodlit one-day cricket international in this country takes place at Old Trafford, between England and Zimbabwe. Old Trafford, my home ground, where I'd played since I was nine. This is the chance, as a Lancastrian, to walk out for England in front of your home crowd ` family, friends, people who had seen you. I was excited. But England's preparations have been overshadowed by speculation about the fitness of Andrew Flintoff. That's when I started. I reckon, that's when I became aware that I'd put this weight on. The headline writers have been cruel to Andrew Flintoff, claiming his weight has affected his form. I was in decent nick, I'd put a little bit of size on. They said he was too fat. I just didn't see it coming. In the build-up in the press, the Sun just hammered me. You had Lennox Lewis on one side of the page, and he's in the prime of his career, his weight, and his waist, then, on the other side, was a shocking picture of me. My heart sank. I went for the weigh-in, and I got on the scales, I was 118 kilograms. It's like 19 stone. I didn't know I was that big. The young all-rounder wasn't talking to the media today. I think that's when it really started for me. Something changed in my mind then, where I was acutely aware of it. But worse than that, everybody else was aware of it. I became known as a fat cricketer, really. That was horrible. (POIGNANT MUSIC) That's when I started being sick, after the meals. And then things really started happening for me, as a player. I got my first hundred for England. And everyone was happy with me. Over the last 12 months, he's become the biggest draw in the game. Me weight's coming down, you know, I had lost probably three stone. It was like, well... I'm bossing this. And I just carried on, carried on, and I was doing it, all the time. (EERIE MUSIC) Just looking out of the window, in London, there is people everywhere. Everyone different shapes, sizes, and... Shape is something I am just heavily aware of. I think, having been big before, I never want to experience it again. I'll always be overweight. Erm... You said you'll always be overweight. Yeah, I will, yeah. I will always be overweight. In your mind. Well, no, it's not in my mind. I will. I am not the optimum weight for my size. That's fact. And I'm never going to be that. I know how I feel when I put weight on, and it's... I don't want it, I don't want to feel like that. The Maudsley Hospital in south London is a national centre for the treatment of eating disorders. I know what a couple of eating disorders are. I know what bulimia is. (CHUCKLES) But I have never spoken to a doctor about it. Never even met another bulimic. And to be honest, I am more than a little nervous about coming here. Take your shoes off. Empty your pockets, please. Most of the patients here are women. Right, if you will just pop on the scale for me. But Jamie is a 33-year-old man who has been having treatment for bulimia here with Dr Omara Naseem for the last 11 months. Any bingeing? No. No purging. No. And they very kindly agreed to talk to me. Hello. Hi, there, mate. I'm Fred. Hello, mate. Nice to meet you. Thank you so much for having us. No problem. Hi. Nice to meet you. Omara. And you too. Jamie, firstly, I have never spoken to a male who suffered with an eating disorder, such as myself, so I just want to check that you are comfortable with everything. Absolutely, yeah. I'm not going to lie. I'm not sure I am. Right. (CHUCKLES) First, just tell us a bit about yourself, Jamie. My childhood was probably about as normal, suburban childhood as you can get. I was quite plump all the way through school, but I certainly didn't think I had that much of an issue with food. Round about what age did you realise your relationship changed with food? Erm, about 15-16, I kind of went from not giving any care at all about how I looked or how heavy I was to, 'I need to do something about this.' That snowballed into then quite a restrictive diet, and the weight just fell off, I mean completely. Really? Yeah. How did that make you feel? Was you pleased? I was. It's not the healthiest thing to say, but I did look in the mirror and think, 'This is good. 'This is an achievement, keep it up.' What was everybody else saying to you? 'Oh, you look all right'? 'You look...'? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's the Catch-22, but the means I was using to achieve it were not good. But the skipping meals and only having one meal a day to then thinking the one meal that you have eaten that day is too much. And that's when I had the full-blown bulimia. It was...it was like a little vicious cycle of got to keep it going, don't let anything stop this high of losing the weight. Yeah, I was exactly the same. Got to the point where I was throwing up every meal. And I am like you, I am not going to lie, I enjoyed the results. It's like you found, like, a little magic ticket of, 'I can eat what I want. 'All I've got to do is throw it all up. 'And there is no problem. 'Like, why isn't everyone doing this?' Yeah. Actually, the reality is very different. Bingeing and purging actually makes your weight fluctuate. It isn't managing your weight the way that people tend to think that that's what it's doing. And actually, when you stop doing it, that's when your weight tends to stabilise, and then you can work at things like becoming a healthier weight. How do you feel about eating now? Feeling full up is still the number one kind of little trigger that's left. It's what still sets off a little thing in the mind that goes... You want to do something. ...'You need to be sick.' Well, I get that feeling with food, every time I eat, I reckon. Even if I am eating the best of stuff, I still feel guilty of whatever I put in my mouth. I still find it hard to say, 'bulimia'. I usually dance around it and say, 'being sick'. It's not just being sick. It can be all the other things as well. Bulimia is characterised by bingeing, so overeating, and purging, over-exercise, dieting, using pills, laxatives. Bulimia isn't actually the actual physical... Being sick, no. It's not just making yourself sick that characterises bulimia. Is that right? Yep, absolutely... But the other thing as well, I don't know if it's being a bloke, you feel that you should be able to stop it. It sounds weird to say, but there is an extra, like, little bit of shame on top of it. Women seek help, and they are encouraged to do that, but men are very much supposed to be able to cope. But of course, men do suffer from this, and there's lots of men out there that are struggling, and unfortunately, it's stigmatised as more of a female illness. That's probably why I waited until I was 32 before I actually finally did something about it. I had been dealing with the same cycle for years. I'd sit on the train, going into work, and you think that everyone is looking at you. Yeah. 'You fat bastard,' kind of thing. It's just no way to go through life. I had a similar thing. I got a kicking in the press for being fat. And after that I felt everyone was looking at me. When I go shopping, everyone is looking. Nobody was. The other thing I am actually genuinely worried about, when this programme goes out... ...the reaction. And I don't know how I am going to deal with that. It's a really brave thing to do, and it's really exposing, and you are making yourself really vulnerable. I think it is a really brave thing to do. I don't like being vulnerable. Nobody does. I think it's a skill that can be learned. Can it? I don't know if I want to learn it. I don't know. And I also think..... It's... I think with..... I don't know. You're having a field day here, aren't you? No! (CHUCKLES) I wondered how much I can say, but I am just going to come out and say it. You can say whatever you want! People come in and say, you know, they're not sure if they want to change, and they are kind of indifferent, or there's a fear about, 'I know something is wrong 'but it's maybe not severe enough, or I don't know if I can or 'want to change,' but that is also a part of the illness, as such. Yeah. Yeah. Don't fall into the trap that I did of thinking that it's not serious enough, or I am not doing it often enough to warrant doing it. I don't know if it's not... ...I don't think it's serious enough, because it is, but whether I am... I am getting all defensive, I've crossed my arms. Erm, I didn't expect to have a conversation with you and have so many things hit home to me and then me learn off you. I didn't expect that. Well, thanks for saying that, you know. Yeah. Anything that... If I... If someone like me... I'm welling up here. Don't know why I am welling up, I never cry. I am welling up. Never do. Someone speak. Please. (CHUCKLES) Do you think you could do something about it? Honestly? Don't know. We'll see. Yeah. I-I-I... I didn't expect all this. I thought we were just going to have a chat. My head's whirring now! I don't know. Things to think about. Yeah, it really has. Thank you. I don't know Jamie, so I probably didn't expect so many similarities, or so much common ground. And the more I spoke, the more I felt like I was trying to hide something, which I don't think I am. When that compulsion to be sick comes over me, or I feel really bad about food, I control that. It doesn't control me. I've got to have a word with myself, and say, 'No, I'm not doing that.' The other thing the doctor did say about bulimia was you can be bulimic without being sick. It is the relationship with exercise, as well, and I thought bulimia referred to the act of being sick after you had food. How daft am I? I mean, I've been doing this for over 20 years, on and off, I didn't even know what it was. TJ: Have I done enough to wear the jersey? Gotta sweat out that fear because this is bigger than me. I do it for my fans and my family. ION4 hydration. Sweat it out witih Powerade. * What are we going to do today? Do a bit of bench. Bit of upper body. What number are you on now? I don't know. I struggle counting. You know that! That's six! (CHUCKLES) Seven. Two more. This is the gym I come to pretty much every day when I'm at home. Stan's a mate I train with, and I find these sessions so important. If I don't get to train, I don't feel great, and I can get very down. But until now, I didn't realise that that could be part of my bulimia. Stan's aware of me and some of the things I go through, and I think he's aware of the constant battle I have about weight. He comes in every morning. It pushes me. I have to get fitter just to keep up with him sometimes. It's just, we've done some workouts where we will literally lay on the floor for 15 minutes after ` like, 'I can't believe we've just done that!' He does train really, really hard. Like, obviously he's suffered with bulimia, but he's got one of the strongest mindsets. A lot of people in the gym want to get bigger, don't they? All lifting weights. It's my worst nightmare. But I don't want to be big. I'm always trying to get lighter and smaller. It's usually this bit here. I have a pinch around my belly. I reckon probably not 20 minutes goes past without thinking about it. It's constantly on your mind. Constantly. You can feel it all the time. It's exhausting. You don't want to get in here. What we doing, Stan? Dumbbells. Put another 20 plate under the bench. By 2003, I'd met my future wife, Rachael, and we'd fallen in love. After years of keeping my bulimia a secret from everyone, I decided to tell her the truth. I didn't know. I didn't know what she'd think. Embarrassment, I suppose, of telling someone. So, I said that I don't know why I do it, but I do know why I do it ` cos I don't want to put weight on, and I want to lose weight, but I can't stop doing it. I, erm... I make myself sick every time I eat. She took it well. But she didn't know the extent of it, I think. (GUITAR MUSIC) I've come to Belfast to meet Pam Nugent and her son, Chris. Pam's youngest son, Laurence, developed bulimia, like me, in his late teens. This was Laurence, as a boy. He'd have been about ten there. You'd think there was not a thing wrong with him. Just like any other young fella. You know, he was a real social butterfly. Mm. He liked people, he loved socialising. He was a good lad, and he was very funny, but, at home, he would have been easily, you know, stressed, and worried about people, like, worrying about what they thought about him. Laurence was a normal, average fella, just lived his life. But, yeah, I guess, underneath, he had those insecurities. When did you start noticing the bulimia? He was about 18, we noticed him losing a lot of weight and we actually said to him, 'Laurence, there's something wrong with you, son.' His appetite actually increased, because he was eating lots. Even sometimes eating two dinners. Yeah. But somehow losing weight. When he went up to the bathroom, you see, we never thought, we never realised... Would never cross your mind, though, would it? No, no. ...that Laurence was actually being sick. No. Then we realised, OK, it's this thing, bulimia. Well, what the heck's bulimia? He got to the point where, you know, he went from maybe being sick in the bathroom to actually being sick in the bin, you know? Places, maybe going outside, out the back of our patio, and being sick, like maybe beside a tree or something. He was just trying to hide it. It was difficult for him to say, 'I've got a mental health condition,' at all, and then, to put on top of that, 'and I've got one that mostly only females get,' as well. That was like twice as hard. But we weren't allowed to say anything. Everything was a secret, you see. And what we did was, we actually were helping him eat, and because we didn't know how to deal with it any other way, and it was all being discreet and being respectful to Laurence and we didn't want to offend him and that's the eating disorder family. You know, and I can remember distinctly one evening, as soon as he ate, I watched him, and he'd get up. And he'd give me this look back, as if to say, 'Don't you say a word.' Did Laurence ever go to the doctor or seek help? He went to the doctor once, and, erm, unfortunately the support wasn't there, and I think it was due to the lack of understanding of the GP... Mm-hm. ...of this was a young man coming to present himself with an eating disorder. And I don't think the doctor understood, and he decided when he came out, he said, 'I'm not going back there.' So, that was his chance to try and... That was his chance. It's a big moment, that, when you ask for help... Yeah. ...and you don't get it. This is the hard part, I think. Yeah. When you talk about being sick and the compulsion to do it and the habit, I get it, because I... Mm-hm. ...I-I've done it, and I still get the urge to do it now. Yeah. But to try and convey it to somebody else is so difficult. I remember saying to Laurence, 'Son, tell us what is in your head,' because we were trying to understand, and he said, 'Mummy, if I told you what was in my head, I'd scare you.' How bad did the bulimia get? It got to be he couldn't sleep, so he had insomnia, complete insomnia. He was severely depressed, and he would have vomited easily more than five times in a day ` every time he ate, he was sick. Everything? Everything went. It was very stressful for us, knowing that he was eating and vomiting, and watching him fade away. Yeah. But we always thought, Freddie, that we would get him fixed. Yeah. I never thought, in a million years, that Laurence would die. Not in a million years. What happened? His body had gone too far with it and heart couldn't cope any longer. The middle of the night, I think he was just, just breathing his last breath, basically, and we rushed in and we actually tried to give him CPR. It was already too late, so, erm, yeah, he just didn't wake up. That was basically... ...basically it, yeah, so... One minute my son was standing in front of me, and the next minute he's a memory, and that, I still find hard to get past. As a parent, what do you think would have helped you? We'd like to have had Laurence to have got the professional help. We felt very guilty that we couldn't help him, and of course you'll say we should have done this, we should have done that, but we didn't understand the illness. Yeah. And we always thought it would get better. But the difficulty for us as a family was, the face that Laurence had at home was the real Laurence, who was mega-stressed. Mm. And outside he was Jack the Lad and he was dead easy-going, and he was, 'Oh, I'm the man, I'm the man,' and that's the hard thing. I relate to that completely. Because for me, my real name is Andrew. Yeah, ha. Right, and I can identify the two different sides of my personality. Fred is that person who goes out on the cricket field, or drives cars, where Andrew, that's that bloke who worries about a lot of things. Yes. And he's got his own insecurities and his own things going on. Can we ask you, then, as to where you are now with your eating disorder? Erm... It's a tricky question. Every time I eat, I feel some sort of guilt, and I worry about food, and putting weight on, but... ...I think that I'm dictating terms for an eating disorder, rather than the other way round. Yeah, OK. Mm-hm. If that makes sense. Yeah, it does. Makes sense. Yeah, yeah. You know, I still feel the compulsion to be sick. But I can control them. Yeah, OK. If I could say to you, fast forward your life 20 years from now, do you think you still would have an eating disorder? Yeah. So, nothing that way would change? Yeah, I-I-I... I think I will. I`I think, like... It is OK to have a mental health issue. It's just making sure that it won't become a fatality like Laurence. Yeah. For me, th-that, that was tough. On a lot of levels. You know, I'm talking to a parent, and a sibling, who've lost a member of their family. A 24-year-old lad had a heart attack in bed through bulimia and his eating disorder. And it's that thing where you think it's never going to happen to you. And I got the sense that was what Laurence was doing as well. Speaking to Pam has made me question how I deal with my own eating disorder. I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want to be read about in years to come, that something's happened to me. - People fly for all kinds of different reasons, like going to work, and going on leave. You fly for a hug... - Hi, Dad. - ...or a hug-shake? - Hey, that's my bag. - (MAKES ROBOTIC NOISES) - And to see your best friends. - (COOS EXCITEDLY) (DOGS BARK) - Everyone has a reason for flying, and our reason is you. * In 2005, aged just 27, I was part of the England team that won the Ashes for the first time in 18 years. The first Test of that series was played here at Lord's. But what nobody knew was I was still battling with my bulimia. The first Test of that series, I was being sick. Everyone is talking about how well you're doing, and there's part of you thinks, 'Well, it's working. 'Let's just crack on with it.' Well, the biggest fear was getting caught. That was the only fear. You had to plan it. You know, I'm in a dressing room full of people. I've got to plan when I'm going to go, what I'm going to do, I've got to see what the toilet's like. Is it all right? Does the door come to the bottom? Don't want anyone catching me. The thing about this place was ` and this is one of the easier grounds to do it in ` you just walk through the corridor, and then you're here. I know that I shouldn't be doing it. It's not good for me. It's creating damage to my body, but I still can't stop. I enjoyed it. And it made it addictive. It made it... Not fun. Fun's the wrong word. So, if you score a hundred for England in a Test match, or you take five wickets on that side, you get your name on the board. 2009, in my last year, against Australia. It's probably the last time I could bowl how I wanted to. Erm, I was plagued with this knee problem, which wasn't getting anywhere, I decided after the Ashes I was going to retire. Do you ever worry whether the eating disorder might have contributed to ending your career early? I've never even thought about... But then, it affects everything, doesn't it? Erm, your joints, your bones. So, maybe. Which I've never thought about, actually. (ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Every time I come off the motorway, the M6, and drive through that Welcome to Preston sign, erm, I feel home. This is my patch. This is where I grew up. And I remember on here, Figaro's opened, the pizza... Pizzeria. It was like dark magic. 'It's, like, a pizza! Whoa, what is it? What is it?!' I'd never even heard of eating disorders back then, and there wasn't much support around for people who had them. It's different these days. Local lad Simon's eating disorder causes him to binge on food, and then he compensates by restricting his diet and over-exercising. Clinical psychologist Gerry Tikari has been seeing him for the past 12 months. Hello. Hiya. Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Gerry. I'm Freddie. Nice to meet you. You all right? Yeah, Simon. So, coming here for the first time, then, did you know you had a problem? Yeah. Well, I just wanted to stop binge eating. That's the problem. So when you say, 'binge eating,' how many calories do you think you're having on a binge? Can be 6,000 in one meal. It can be a bit more than that. That's over two days' food, isn't it? For a normal man? I've not done it for, like, two weeks. So... But when you do binge, what type of food? How...how much? A loaf of bread. Erm, cookies, a chocolate brownie, jar of peanut butter. Erm... Cheesecake and... So, while you're eating it, then, you know what you're doing. Yeah. There's no enjoyment. No, no. And I know the consequences will only be negative after that. Yeah. I don't... So, just a compulsion to do it? Yeah. Just, I think it's a way of just self-harming, by eating that much. 'Right, that's what you deserve.' Really? Yeah. So, but you're buying them, knowing you're going to binge. Yeah, yeah. It's sometimes in my mind two, three days before. Thinking, 'Yeah, I'm going to binge that day.' It's almost like taking yourself hostage. And all the time, in your mind, what's going on? Erm, thinking back, what have I ate? I'm constantly thinking about the calories. So, it's black and white ` that's the damage. Erm... And then, when you saw what you put in... Fasting. Fasting for multiple days, sometimes, and stuff. Simon restricted his diet for about a week. He came to see me and he'd not eaten anything. Oh, you have to exercise. I've done weights loads in the past, just, like, five, six days a week or something. And body image? Want to be ripped, yeah. Lots of muscles, isn't it? Yeah. Being big, that's... Is that essentially it? It's always the goal. Still on my mind. Before a binge, are there triggers which can set you off? The trigger for me is, like, when I'm on my own. Yeah. Because it's always at night, that's when I usually get the urge to binge and stuff. A lot of our work is centred around trying to make sense of Simon's behaviours, being able to talk about sadness, the sadness for the losses that he experienced in the past. In what way? Never known my mum. Right. She committed suicide when I was about two or something. Right. And, unfortunately, when I was 16, erm, my older brother, he committed suicide as well. So... Not good. No. No. An eating disorder is a way of coping. You know, how does he cope with all the losses that he had to face? Tolerating the emotions of being lonely is difficult, so he ends up getting into a position where he binges, which triggers the whole cycle again. But you've been in treatment how long? Over a year. But do you feel that now you're controlling the eating disorder, rather than it's controlling you? Er, no. No? Not yet. Not yet, but getting better? Yeah. I've never had treatment for an eating disorder, but I've... I've got coping mechanisms. I train, probably nine, ten times a week, but I enjoy it. Nine, ten times a week? Yeah. Doing what? I go to the gym. If I'm at home I'll go to the gym most days. Yeah? How long's each session? About... I never do more than an hour. Erm... You can't carry on doing that, can you? Nine, ten times a week. Why, do you think that's a lot of training? Yeah! Yeah? (CHUCKLES) I'd say, well, for me that wouldn't be sustainable. I think I'm all right with that. Honestly, with Simon, he talks about bingeing, and it is still quite recent. You know, his last one was only two weeks ago, and I get the sense he's still fighting it. And he's fighting that battle, and he's in the thick of it still. Which is really worrying, because I've been there, I know what that's like. The more people I talk to, in some ways, the more confused I'm finding myself. (CHUCKLES) I question how I deal with it, all the way through this, speaking to people. And I think, 'Actually, am I worse than I thought I am?' And then two minutes later I think, 'Actually, I've got a lid on this.' So... (EXHALES) I don't know, I'm... I'm coming to a conclusion, the more I talk about it, is actually I'm quite comfortable with where I am. I am. I am, yeah. * In 2012, I decided to take up professional heavyweight boxing, not least because I knew it would involve losing weight. I lost three and a half stone on that. And I went from 118kg to 96 in three months. I killed myself to get abs. I was on this diet where I had no energy. I had nothing. And at the end, I stood in front of the mirror... I thought, 'You've got abs, haven't you? Well done. 'What happens next? I should feel better than this. Why do I not feel so happy?' It was everything I'd ever wanted. And it's not. Is that you? Yeah. I had my head shaved at the time. Aiden is studying for a masters degree at University College London... Wow. Like a different person, isn't it? ...but only a few years ago he was a bulimic amateur boxer, living and fighting in Sheffield. You are on the front foot! Jeez! (CHUCKLES) Can you remember how much weight you had to lose to get in the ring? I were about 113 kilo when I started, and then I had my first fight at 73.5. That's what you got to? Yeah. You hear about sort of extreme things people do to sort of get the weight off and I thought, 'Oh I'll throw up, I'll make myself be sick.' So that's how it started. Purged, vomited. Brought it up. It were just something that I had to do to achieve a goal. Did you think it was wrong, though? No. I were happy that I'd found out that that 'works'. I suppose I knew that I shouldn't be doing it, but I had to make weight. I can do this to make weight. It fit together. Yeah. Did you speak to anyone about it? No, because I were embarrassed. It's my business, no-one needs to know. In my head, I'd think, 'Oh, they'd rip me to pieces. Nobody'd talk to me,' and things like that. At that time, I were bringing up just normal meals. If I felt bloated, or my belly, I were obsessed with my love handles, even though I were... There were nothing on me, I were skinny. Like, I was shredded. Look at you, there's nothing, is there? I know. That is skeletal. Yeah. I'd noticed that I were losing control of this bulimia. That it were making me sick, rather than me making myself sick. Right. In my head I thought, well, bulimia sort of manifested through my boxing, so if I leave my boxing behind... You'll stop. ...my bulimia will stop with it. Obviously that's what... that's how it works, erm, but that's when things snowballed. So, what happened next, then? I'd drive out into the sticks somewhere, binge and purge. Daren't purge in the house, while people were here, because I'd lose consciousness sometimes, when I were purging. I'd go dizzy, and then I'd come to, and I'd've slipped off the toilet and on to the floor. You passed out?! Yeah. I'm not sure for how long. But I'd come to, and I'd be, like, doubled over, over the toilet or I'd be on t'side of it. Was that not frightening you? That were frightening. I think that and t'chest pains were very, very frightening, erm, because I couldn't control it. It got to a point where I thought, like, 'It's going to finish me, this.' So, I went to see my GP. What did it feel like for you, once you'd told someone? Fantastic. It were a relief. It were like... It were... Just that pressure that had been released. He referred me to Sheffield Eating Disorder Service. That was sort of t'first day of me recovering. Everything got better for me. It's hard, it's still hard now. It's not something... How long have you been in recovery? I think it's just over two years. I-I struggle using the term bulimia. Yeah. What does it feel like to say it now? It's a lot easier for me to say it now. But it's still that stigma that it's like a weakness. Yeah. And I think coming from where I've come from, and you're always taught you don't talk about things like that. And because it's drilled into you, opening up about an illness that can be perceived as a weakness in a bloke, you sort of don't want to talk about it. One of the things I've never done, I've never had treatment for bulimia. And I've been questioning myself ` whether I need it, because I've got a lid on it, and I manage it in my own way. Mm. Would you say that? I used to sit and think exactly the same thing. I'd sit and think to myself, 'Oh, it's all right, I don't mind being like this.' It was so like a little comfort blanket to me, that, well, I might not have control of much else, but at least that's in formation, at least that's structured. I think coming out of it, and after treatment, it's made me realise that that's not... That isn't normal. (AMBIENT MUSIC) Where you come from shapes you, definitely. And it does instil you certain beliefs, erm, and certain ideas, one of them being this doesn't affect people from my background. You're meant to be tough, you're meant to be strong. If you give something away, then you're weak. That becomes exhausting. That becomes so difficult. And the strength is telling people. The strength is being able to have a conversation, own up to whatever your weaknesses are, and to listen to Aiden say the same thing, it's comforting. I think one of the reasons I haven't dealt with my bulimia until now is because everything else in my life is going so well these days. I've got this new career as a TV presenter, which I love. We're back, everybody! CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I've got an amazing family, who support me through everything. So, the way I balance it in my head is, if I've got to carry around an eating disorder... ...if that's a negative for the other stuff I do, I'll take that. The only time I did come close to asking for professional help was while I was still playing cricket, and that didn't go well. We had a team meeting before a series with England. There was a dietician, and I thought, well, if there's ever a time to speak to someone, it's this woman who's coming in to tell us about food. And I decided halfway through, you know what, today's the day, I'm going to tell her. And just as I decided in my head, she said she works with female Olympians and gymnasts ` a lot of them have got eating disorders, but there'll be none of that in this room, will there? And I thought, 'Cheers. 'Thanks a lot.' So then that just knocked me, and I carried on. I carried on. * You're a dietician... Mm-hm. ...and my experience of them in the past hasn't been great. Renee McGregor specialises in treating athletes with eating disorders. She's asked me to fill out a form about my diet and exercise. As a sports dietician who's worked in the field for a long time, I've seen a lot of male athletes with eating problems. Shall we look at this, then, and see what my things are? Yeah. So, on the phone there was a tricky question, because you had to provide information about your diagnosis. Yeah. Which I've never been diagnosed. OK. I presumed... Well, you're making yourself sick after every meal, so... Yeah. It's a bit of a red flag, isn't it?! Erm... (CHUCKLES) (CHUCKLES) So, yeah. Well, I fit the bill, don't I, let's be honest? Yeah. Yeah. From the history, yes, you do. If we start from getting up... Yeah. ...I'll pick a coffee up, drink that on the way to the gym, and then I'll have a litre and a half of water while I train. And I won't eat anything. When's the first time you eat, Freddie? I don't know when I'm going to eat... ...or if I should eat. OK. Don't get me wrong, I would sooner get up in a morning... Yeah, and have some breakfast. But if I did, I wouldn't be happy. Because...? I'd sooner train on an empty stomach. Why do you need to train on an empty stomach? One, because, erm, I don't want to be burning off food. Mm-hm. I want to be burning off what I've got. I'm always trying to lose weight. Why? I feel better when I'm... ...lighter. If I start putting weight on, it changes my mood. And I need to do something. But if your behaviours are then potentially having a negative effect on your health, like with the bulimia... Yeah. I'm... I'm... ...not convinced at the minute it is. OK. I know the last time I was sick... ...erm, and it's months ago, but I think the one thing is an anxiety towards food. Or an anxiety towards what you're going to put in your mouth. Is it worth it? Should I do it? It's never about food. It's never about body image. It's about something a lot deeper, this inability to like who you are, for whatever reason, deep down. I'm... I'm doing all right. The anxieties you have around food, and the amount of training you're doing... Yeah. ...the balance is off. I don't mind getting obsessive about something, as long as it's not doing me or anybody else around me any harm. And I don't see the gym doing that. So, you're saying to me, 'I don't see this as being a problem,' but if you feel that you have to keep doing something, and there's an anxiety about not doing it, then that's not a normal behaviour. When you talk about feeling better when you're leaner, something that I see with a lot of people I work with is that if they have been affected by eating issues, what they see is how they actually feel. It's not I'm seeing myself any different. I'm seeing myself as I am. Mm-hm. I do a session with athletes where they bring in photos, usually of a time... You know, a photo they haven't liked themselves, because... All right, I'll show you... Yeah. I'll show you. Show me some photos. The worst...the worst thing is about this, right, to find these photographs, I google 'fat Flintoff' and then they all come up. Now... Look at that. That's big. I got nailed in the press, as a 20-year-old, hammered for being fat. And then after that, I felt like everyone was watching me. And that is probably what the trigger was, more than anything else, in that you felt that people had an opinion of you that was uncomfortable. What never happened there, Freddie, was that nobody sat down with you and helped you to actually go through what you were experiencing at that time. It shifted to being your belief, that being thinner makes you happier, it makes you more acceptable, it makes you perform better. Yeah. They're your beliefs, right? And going against them become... ...feels really uncomfortable again. No, but I am so lucky with so many things... ...that if this is the one thing that is a bit of a battle... Mm-hm. ...I'll take that. This is exactly what happens. People get from a very dark place to a place where it's functional and it works. Yeah. But does it mean that you're completely free? I can deal with this. You don't have to, though. It's your choice to. (AMBIENT MUSIC) When I started this, I was under no illusions that this is all about eating, and all about food. I know there's other things going on. And I understand what she's saying. I don't know if it's achievable. I found a coping mechanism, and that means not rushing to the toilet to being sick. I think my big decision now is, is that enough? And that's the one thing I've got to wrestle with. (BREATHES HEAVILY) (PANTS) I've not weighed myself for weeks and weeks, but I am guessing I've lost about a stone. It's just in my head I've got to get on that bike. I've got to do it. How often are you doing it? I do it every day. If I do an hour, I feel good. If I do 20 minutes, I feel I want to do it again, I want to do more. Erm, food... Have you eaten this morning? Not eaten this morning. Erm, don't get me wrong, I've still got that strange relationship with food. And every time I eat I feel guilty. But I don't want to be sick. At the minute, I can control it. Whether that's going to be the case further down the line... If I put a bit of weight on, then it does become a bit harder. I wish I didn't have to feel like that. The bulimia, it's always there. I always have that tug-of-war in my head. I am in control, but I'm not in control. It's not right, is it? I know it's not right. Is that the way I want to live? Is that the relationship I want with food for the rest of my life, or do I want to have a go at trying to change it? For more than half of my life, I've lived with this. And I don't want to live with it any more. So I've finally decided to talk to a specialist about my bulimia. I've chosen Dr Omara Naseem, who I met at the Maudsley Hospital at the beginning of this journey. How have you been since the last time we met? Erm, I've lost a bit of weight. OK. Eating-wise... Mm-hm? ...I've not been sick. Not saying I've not felt the need to, but I think I'll always have that. So there've been urges, yeah? If I could stay as I am, I think I'd be all right. Mm. But now, I think the issue for me is at the minute, the only way in which I can see it changing again is for the worse. OK. Th-th-that's the worry. I don't know... ...where it's leading to. What would you like for yourself in the future in terms of your relationship with your body and food and weight? I-I-I'd like... ...I suppose I'd like to look at it and be happy. Erm, and not constantly pinch at my belly! I eat, which is one of the most natural things ever ` you've got to eat. Mm-hm. And then I feel I've got to go and throw it up afterwards. Yeah. That is not what a bloke does, and I hate myself for the fact that... ...I did that and then still get the urge to do it. It's so weird and bizarre that you just can't stop it. I think that's the nature of knowing that it actually is an illness. Nobody wants to be doing that. It's very typical, particularly with men. There's this huge sense of blame and shame that keeps it going, that this is self-inflicted, or this is something that I'm doing to myself. So, what should I do? I think you would benefit from coming in and having some treatment, and it's not about coercing you, it's about thinking, OK, let's come in and have a chat and think about what are some goals, and things that you would see for yourself, and things you'd like to work on. For me, I don't understand how you can go from... ...where I was... Mm-hm. ...and live with this thing for 20 years, to then go through a bit of therapy, and then all of a sudden I'm having burgers and, 'Oh, this is brilliant,' and I'm putting weight on. I don't know if that's a better way of living. I think maybe some of your fears are around if you were to step into treatment, does that mean that you have to abandon doing all the things that you're doing right now to manage, and therefore that would result in complete collapse. And I would say, 'No, it's not about that.' Actually, I'd like you to have a healthy relationship with food, weight, your body and self, and I know that's possible. You need to be open to that idea that maybe your way isn't the only way. There might be another truth. I probably should get help. Because it's something which affects me every day. And it's something that I'm acutely aware of when I'm trying my clothes on, when I'm looking at myself in the mirror, when I'm eating my food. It's something which I don't stop thinking about. This is the frustrating thing about it. I know that's a problem, and I know it needs addressing. So why am I not doing it? When Fred was talking about his resistance to treatment, I think it seems like a really natural and normal response towards coming in to seek help for an eating disorder. Being unsure about what change might bring, whether this is good or bad for him, is a part of thinking about the first step in getting help, and moving forwards and making change. I want to say I will. But I don't want to lie. My intention is to. It really is. (ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC) Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2021