* Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2021 Oh, what a lovely audience! So much better than last night. No photographs! Sorry it started off so Bruce Forsyth. Light entertainment. Nice to see you. No fucking photos! So it's a new tour with new jokes. They might be shit, but I'll do them with enthusiasm and it is all you can ask, isn't it? I tell you, if there was an Olympics for enthusiasm, I'd win gold ` as long as I wasn't against that Chinese bloke, Gung Ho. I've heard he's quite good. So let's start with one of these new jokes. Here we go. Knock knock. AUDIENCE: Who's there? Zebra. Zebra who? Zebra, teacake, flange bucket, sperm whale, codswallop, muffin, spanner, bread roll, cheese flan, beef sprockets, whistle bobbles, jellyfish, toenail, jockstrap, carrot, knickers, sausage, burger, baboon bush, Gromit crumble. Yeah, you're not laughing now, but wait till the DVD of this tour's on television and there's a signer in the corner for the deaf. You will piss yourself. Slow down! Slow down, you prick! You're a wanker, you, mate! I should also point out the way that it works on a new tour is you think of jokes in the day, and then you completely forget to say them in the evening. So my new rule now is if I think of an idea in the day, I make a little note of it on the stage. I thought I'd rather admit that now than halfway through the show, I try and take a sneaky look and you lot think I've had a stroke, you know... Because I've got a terrible memory. I'll warn you now, terrible memory. I wish I was an elephant. Elephants never forget, do they? I always think, big deal, what have they got to remember? I'd never forget if all I had to remember to do was to use my nose to clean my own anus. It's not a lot to remember, is it? I think elephants have got terrible memories. If I had to use my nose to clean my own anus, I'd do it once and remember never to do it again. But I am trying new techniques to improve my memory. The new memory game, let's see how it works now. Here we go. The front row, tell me your names. Watch this. Anita. Anita. John. John. Tracy. Tracy. Shenton. Shent... Pardon? Shenton? OK. Don't worry, I will be back. What did you say? Martin. Martin. Ruth. Ruth. Robbie. Robbie. Seema. Seema. Candice. Candice. Steve. Steve. Right, front row, from memory alone, am I right in saying... tonight I'm in Hammersmith? Is that right? Is that right, Farquar? Is that right, Tarquin? Is that right, Esmeralda? Is that right, Shenton? Do you see what I did there? I changed everyone's name to make them more ridiculous. Couldn't top yours, could I? (APPLAUSE) Shenton? What's your surname? Foreman. Foreman? Shenton Foreman. Fucking hell! Isn't that a type of shed? Just got myself the new 6x3 Shenton Foreman. Quite nice, that. You'll be pleased to hear, Shenton, I'm not a comedian that likes to be offensive for the sake of it. No, I like to be offensive cos I fucking love it. You know what I'm talking about, don't you, you specky bastard? I'm only joking. We're just having a laugh. People get so worried about offence now, don't they? If I started taking the mickey out of your glasses, you'd know we're having a giggle, just a bit of fun, isn't it? If I started taking the mickey out of your shirt, your clothes, you know, it's just a bit of a giggle. If I started taking the mickey out of your face, that face that's caused you so many problems over the years with the opposite sex, and all those lonely nights you've had crying alone in the bedsit wondering when you're gonna get a woman, you know we're just having a giggle, don't you? I wouldn't say anything to you, mate. I know where to draw the line. # First time ever I saw your face... # Argh! Only joking, mate. What's your name, sir? Dan. Dan. Nice to see you, Dan. I don't take the piss. I'm not one of those comedians, because you've got to be very careful what you do on stage, because people get so offended so easily. Even my own wife worries about what I say onstage. On the last tour there was one joke she said I must promise never to repeat again, because it was offensive to her, offensive to the kids and I must promise never to utter those words again on stage. I'll tell you the joke. I've always wanted three kids, but now we've got two, I only want one. It's a joke, isn't it? Course it is. I don't want any. Even the theatre managers worry nowadays about what you're going to say. We did shows in Bristol last week and genuinely, the theatre manager in Bristol came up to me before the show and he said, 'Lee, can I just check before you go onstage 'you're not gonna start doing all these stereotypical jokes about people from the West Country?' Well, what he actually said was, 'Ere, don't you make me fuck my turnip!' 'I got me turnip fucking head on!' No, he said... He said,... 'You're not going to start doing all these boring old cliched jokes 'about people from the West Country being inbred.' I said, 'You cheeky motherfucker.' I said, 'I'll have you know, I've been doing this job for almost 20 years 'and you can count the amount of boring, cliched, old-fashioned jokes 'I've done about West Country inbreds on one hand.' It's always nice when half the audience are laughing, and the other half are just looking at you going, 'Hang on, that's just the set-up. When's he doing the fucking punchlines? 'What the fuck's going on?' You're a lovely audience, lovely audience. It's great to be back here, back in London. We got here to Hammersmith nice and early today, and we had a bite to eat around the corner ` Horse & Hounds, yeah? I won't be ordering that again. You know, it's one of those nice, traditional pubs you don't see any more. You know, with the homemade food and all that. There was a blackboard on the wall, said the chef's special. I thought, that's nice. Equal opportunities employer. It's important, isn't it? But it is nice to be back, back in lovely London, because we've been travelling the country and let me tell you, and I'm not just saying this, without any shadow of a doubt, this is the best-looking group of women that have been to the show so far, and I mean that, honest to God. Not you. Back off. They really are and some of them are in the front row tonight, absolutely fantastic ladies, they really are. My eyes are drawn to you, madam. You are absolutely stunning looking. What is your name, madam? Flo. Flo. And how did you get here, or is that the same answer? Shit, if your name had been Flew, that would have worked. It's your fault, that. You let yourself down. What do you do, Flo? I'm a solicitor. You're a what? Solicitor. You're a solicitor. Here's one for you. This will impress you. How many female solicitors does it take to change a light bulb? Dunno? One, the same as male solicitors. Bit sexist, love. You've let yourself down there. See, you want equal pay, but that's a bit patronising to women, Princess. Let me ask you a question. When it comes to a sexual relationship, is it important to you the colour of the person's skin? No, of course it's not. I'm glad you think that way. Cos recently my penis turned a weird shade of green, Flo, and... Some of the more observant amongst you might notice a strange use of the word 'weird' shade of green, as if there's a normal shade of green that your penis can turn. And the more middle-class amongst you will be pleased to hear that 'Lee Mack penis green' is now a shade of paint at Farrow and Ball. It's on the shelf there next to 'Bobby Davro's ballsack blue.' Are you in a relationship at the moment? Who are you with? Me. You're not with Dan with the face? Fuck off! How did you wangle that?! (APPLAUSE) Well done, Dan, I'm genuinely a bit shocked. That's incredible. I saw you together, and I assumed that was a carer situation. I didn't actually think... Whatever. Your choice. Fucking hell. How did he manage that? Let's change the subject. Bit awkward, Dan. What's your star sign, Dan? Tell me your star sign, I'll tell you all about your personality. I'm an expert on star signs. Tell me your star sign, I'll know about your personality. Dan, what is your star sign? I think I'm a Gemini. Gemini. Lucky bastard, always bats well above his average. How is that possible?! I am amazing at star signs. What's your star sign? Scorpio. Scorpio. That means traditionally thought of as a very happy people, very honest, very open, very loyal and very popular with the opposite sex. But it's not true. Being Scorpio simply means your mum and dad had it off roughly in January. That's all it means. Sorry, when I say 'roughly', I don't know. Never met them. What's your star sign, sir? Scorpio. Scorpio as well? What are the chances of two of them being in the front row? Not enough for me to have written another fucking joke about it. Mind your own business. What's your star sign? Leo, same as me. When I say same as me, I mean same star sign. Don't think we're bonding. I don't want you to start thinking we're mates. I know your type. Before you know it, you're following me back to the hotel after the gig, climbing up the drainpipe, 'Hiya, Lee, it's me again, we're both Leo, let me in! You said we were friends!' Before I know it you've smashed a window and you've come in, get a pair of scissors, put it to my throat and gone, 'Kiss me, lover boy!' Try it! I'll get a fucking injunction against you, you weirdo! Sorry, that's not it. Leo, same as me, great communicator, good with people. It's nonsense, though, innit, star signs? Doesn't mean anything. If you want to know about someone's personality, handwriting experts ` they're amazing. I went to see a handwriting expert last week. She could tell I was laid-back, gullible and well off just from a signature on a cheque. (LAUGHTER) Sorry, not a handwriting expert. A solicitor. (LAUGHTER) And you'll be pleased to hear that this flirty thing I'm doing with you, Flo, is just a joke. I'm in a happy relationship at the moment. It's our anniversary next week. I remember the wedding like it was yesterday. She wore white to symbolise her purity, I wore sunglasses to shade myself from the glaring hypocrisy. But I've got to get something for the anniversary. Her friend said to me, 'What you want to do for the anniversary, get yourself down to Ann Summers 'or Agent Provocateur, get her some sexy knickers.' I thought, I'll try that. I'm repressed and Northern. I thought, this is gonna be a problem. So I went, 'I'm looking for some, um, knickers... 'For... my... (SQUEAKS) wife.' And this woman said, 'Certainly, sir. What are they for?' Putting on her head. She's doing a bank job (!) What do you mean, what are they for? And this is the phrase that got me. She went, 'Are they for fun?' Fun? I know what she meant, she meant sex but she couldn't say it. She went, 'Are they for fun?' It's not the right word for sex, is it, fun? Trust me, ask my previous partners. They'll tell you it's not the right word for sex. They'll use other words ` laboured, breathy, unhygienic ` but it's not fun, is it?! Actually, one of them said it was fun-sized. It's not fun, is it? It's not the right word, fun. It's not a bloody theme park. Some of you are looking at me going, 'Stop being so repressed, Lee. of course sex can be fun.' Oh, can it? Well, there's an easy way to find out, lads. Next time you're having sex, just stop halfway and go, 'All right, love? This is fun!' 'Honk! Honk! Come on, pull the bloody party popper, love! We're having fun!' It's not fun, is it? It's not bloody charades! Charades ` that's fun, isn't it? Watching Birds Of A Feather, that's fun. Teaching your kids how to fart in front of their grandparents ` fun. Shall I say what's not fun? Trying to maintain an erection knowing that when you ejaculate, you're gonna start crying! It's not fun! Christ... I cannot believe I have just admitted onstage to watching Birds Of A Feather. (LAUGHTER) You've got to keep things going, get the sexy knickers to keep things going in a relationship. How long have you been with Flo, Dan? Nearly five years. Nearly five years. And do you still, you know, do you, er, keep things alive in the bedroom? Bet you do, don't you, Dan? Fucking guinea pigs, knowing you. My wife likes to dress as a schoolgirl and spank me. I like to dress as someone from Operation Yewtree and arrest myself. But seriously, when it comes to a sexual relationship, hands up, all women, that's my philosophy. Hands up, all women, who think that honesty and openness is important when you first meet someone and you get together in a new relationship. Absolutely none of you, OK. Welcome to London. 'I don't give a fuck. As long as he gets me Tizer and Wagon Wheels, I don't care who he fucks!' Of course it's important! I told my wife everything when we first got together. I told her about that prostitute in the '80s, which I think you'll agree, is quite old for a prostitute. Oh, a like 'em old. Everyone's worried about Operation Yewtree. It's when Operation Oaktree kicks off, I'm fucked! My wife does think I'm losing the romance a little bit. I'll give you an example of me losing the romance in the relationship. We were lying in bed the other day, listening to her favourite love song, Ain't No Sunshine, Bill Withers. She went, 'Oh, I love this song. Beautiful, isn't it? 'It's just a gorgeous song, I love it.' I said, 'Why do you love it?' 'Just listen to the lyrics.' 'Ain't no sunshine.' 'That means she's so beautiful that when she's not around, there ain't no sunshine. 'There ain't no sunshine when she's gone.' I said, 'Yeah, but is that what it's about? Let's examine the lyrics.' She went, 'Oh, can we just carry on making love?' And I went, 'No, hear me out.' Ain't no sunshine ` think about it ` ain't no sunshine. I think you'll find that is a double negative. 'Ain't no sunshine' means there isn't no sunshine, and if there isn't no sunshine, it means there is sunshine. When she's not around, there's more sunshine. And why is there more sunshine when she's not around? She's a big fat lass. She's blocking the sun, isn't she? Bill Withers' next song, Lean On Me. Pushing his luck. Here's a true story about a song, genuinely true. I lost my virginity to the song Secret Lovers by Atlantic Starr. Good job those old 45 singles had the bit in the middle that popped out, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to do that. You think that's bad, I flipped her over and did the B-side. I prefer the old music. It's much better, the old music. My favourite song of all time is from the 1950s. 'You're 16 (You're Beautiful And You're Mine).' Or as we people that work in the BBC now like to call it, 'You're 16 ` (You Are 16, Aren't You?)' All the old stuff's better, isn't it, black-and-white movies and stuff. My favourite black-and-white movie, without any shadow of a doubt, Psycho. God, it's terrifying, that. That shower scene. I remember growing up in the North of England and seeing that for the first time. God, that was disturbing. Showering in the middle of the week?! Here's an interesting fact about showers I read the other day. This is true. You can look at a person now and you can tell whether they are a shower or a bath person. Do you know how? Apparently a shower person is always on the go, statistically more likely to earn more money at work and as a result they have bigger houses, bigger cars and better on the career ladder. A bath person ` more centred, takes their time, more laid-back, more body-conscious, more spiritual and often, as a result, more popular with the opposite sex. So I can tell now just by looking at a person whether they're a shower or bath person. Let's try that now, with the front row. Starting with... Dan. I'm gonna go for... all-over flannel wash on a Thursday. (LAUGHTER) Are you and Flo actually married, by the way? You're not married? There's hope, Flo, there's hope. Would she make the perfect wife? You know what the perfect wife is, don't you? You know what they say, and don't blame me, ladies, cos this wasn't my phrase, it's an old phrase. They say the perfect wife is a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. You'll be pleased to hear that I don't agree with that. Because in that scenario, only the living room is getting cleaned. She's a saint my wife, in that she's taken a vow of celibacy, so I've set fire to her. No, but she has to be. Some of the stuff I come out with is unbelievable. The two worst things I could possible say to a woman I said recently to her. The first one, we were watching that late night Channel 4 show about rubber fetishes, you know, the people that like to wear the rubber gear and make love in the rubber, you know. Did you see that on Channel 4? No. Sorry, not Channel 4, the other one. Channel... 817. And um... And I said, 'Imagine if me and you making love and you were wearing the rubber gear. It'd be ridiculous.' And she went, 'Why would it be ridiculous?' And this is what I shouldn't have said. I said, 'Well, come on. 'It'd be like making love to a half-deflated Michelin man.' Fuck... 'What do you mean? Half?!' And I went, 'Oh! You know... Just roughly speaking.' She went, 'When it comes to a woman's weight, always go well below what you actually mean.' I said, 'I did.' It's not the worst thing I've said to her though ` the worst thing I've ever said to my wife. I love darts. I will play darts all day. I will watch it all day. I'm obsessed with it. I came downstairs. I'd just watched this amazing match. I said, 'You just missed an amazing match, love. 'It was 7-2 to this fellow. Then it went to 7-3, 7-4, 7-5, 7-6, 7-7. 'It goes to the tie-breaker. And in the tie-breaker...' And I tell her every dart that was thrown in the tie-breaker. At this point she starts glazing over, like that. I went, 'What?' She went, 'Can I be honest with you? I've got no interest in darts whatsoever. 'I find it really boring.' And I genuinely got the hump and went, 'Ooh!' 'And yet this morning, I spent half an hour listening to you talking about the kids.' (LAUGHTER) It's not my fault, I should point out. Because we're under stress already, a lot of stress, cos we're buying a house, and you know how stressful that can be, right? We put an offer in recently, well below the asking price. And we got told the vendors were insulted. So we put another offer in for exactly the same amount, but this time we didn't say, 'Take it or leave it, you cunt.' It's going on CBeebies, this DVD. (ALL CHANT) - The planet doesn't know which stuff you're doing just because you can't say no. So start at the bottom of your list and cross a few things off. * Are you all right, lads? How are you doing, mate? What's your name? David. David. Are you all right, David? Yes, thank you. Are you having a beer tonight? I am. I've got new rules about drinking, David. My new rule, and I've been sticking with this ` no longer do I drink at home. See, my theory is if you don't drink in the house, you've got control over it. It's not controlling you. You're controlling it. You will never become dependent, you will never become an alcoholic, you will always be in control of the situation. In other news, I've bought a shed. (LAUGHTER) I like a drink. That's one of my foibles. I love the word foibles. It's great, isn't it? Foibles. Foibles. I always think it sounds like what cats in New York get stuck in their throat. (COUGHS) NEW YORK ACCENT: I got foibles! I'll tell you what I don't like. I don't like how offended people are with drinking nowadays. What are the rules? Will someone tell me what the rules are? I'll give you an example. I got thrown out of my local the other day just for being a bit drunk and standing on a table. Well, I say a bit drunk. I mean very drunk. And I say standing on a table. I mean standing on a table with my trousers around my ankles and my cock out. And I say local. I mean local library. But... What are the rules? Someone explain the rules. I don't know any more! Why is it if you take a glass of chardonnay into the bath, oh, that's seen as a perfectly acceptable middle-class way of relaxing, isn't it? But you take a can of Carlsberg Special Brew into the shower, fully clothed, and you don't turn the water on, you just sit in the corner gripping it tightly whilst crying and masturbating, everyone leaves the dinner party early! I wanna give up drinking completely one day. I really do, I could never go to the AA. Don't like the letters. The letters A-A are so negative, aren't they? AA basically means you're an alcoholic, your car's broken down, or you take the smallest bra size. I suppose it could also mean you're buying batteries for a new toy. Well, my wife calls it a toy. I don't let the kids play with it. Then there's the units ` gotta watch the units now. We're all watching the units. Do you know how many units... Listen to this. The government's recommendation of units a week is now 23 units a week. Let me put that into perspective for you. That's a bottle and a quarter of wine. Fuck that. I'm already on 14 units this week from kissing my wife. Sucking off that tramp didn't help. Don't groan at me. I told her not to do it. Then there's drinking and driving. You've gotta watch the drinking and driving. Of course you have. It's wrong to drink and drive. Here's an interesting fact about driving. This is true. I do so many miles on the motorway now, I can tell just by looking at a person the kind of car they drive. I really can. It's a little skill I've got. I just look at them and instantly know... Back in a second, Dan. ...what kind of car they drive. Just by looking at them, just like that. Like you, sir, with the short military haircut and the little round glasses, I'm thinking 1940s German U-boat. Dan, I'm looking at you. Do you know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, you could drive any car you want to drive. I think you know what I'm saying. Car thief. (LAUGHTER) I'm looking at you, Flo. I'm thinking Fiesta. Do you remember that magazine? (LAUGHTER) Let me tell you something, right? I don't want Flo thinking I'm naive. I'm under no illusions that if you weren't with Dan and I was not... You know, I was single, I am still under no illusions that you wouldn't be interested in me. I'm not an idiot. I don't want you thinking that. Let's be honest, Flo. In the looks department, we're in a different league, aren't we? I know that. You know, let's be honest. In the looks department, I'm very much your Ryman Conference 7th Division UniBond Stick League. But you... You look like Wayne Rooney. (LAUGHTER) I know I'm never gonna have you, Flo. I'm not an idiot. Yeah? I'm looking at you with desire, but I know I'm never gonna have you. I'm like a diabetic squirrel looking at a Snickers. (LAUGHTER) I know I'm never gonna have you, Flo! I know that. But I have got something that might just change your mind, Flo. Yeah? Because I've got... magic. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) (MUSIC FADES, LAUGHTER) I get very lonely on tour, Flo, I'm so sorry. I genuinely can't believe I've just done that. I'm starting to enjoy this gig, in a weird way. I haven't had so much fun since I put helium in my mate's asthma inhaler. (PANTS) FALSETTO: That's not funny, you wanker! It's not the worst thing I've done to someone. The worst thing I did to someone in the front row, this woman came backstage after the show, banged on the stage door, and she did the ultimate cliche. When I answered the door, she showed me her cleavage. I swear this is true. She gave me a pen, and she went, 'Can you sign my breast?' And I got all nervous. I went to sign the breast, but the pen didn't work. And without even thinking, went straight to the other breast, and went... (LAUGHTER) So, have you been anywhere nice on your holidays this year, Flo? Lanzarote. You went to Lanzarote? So no. Because I... No. Was it relaxing? Was it relaxing? That's all that matters. As long as you had a relaxing holiday, that's all that matters, cos I didn't have a relaxing holiday. No, did I fuck! Do you know what I did this year? I went on a walking holiday! Fucking whoopee-doo! My wife's idea. Walking holiday. There's two words that should never be seen in the same sentence. Walking... You know you've reached a certain age when walking is a viable option for a holiday. You don't hear about Club 18-30 walking, do you? That wouldn't be popular, even if they gave it a catchy title like Club Foot. No one's going on that, are they? Walking holiday. My wife said, 'I don't understand. You like walking.' I said, 'Yeah'. She said, 'You like holidays'. I said, 'Yeah'. She said, 'Why don't you like walking holidays?' I said, 'I think you'll find that I like Hobnobs and I like blow jobs. 'It doesn't mean that I like eating Hobnobs when I'm having a blow job.' She went, 'Yes, you do.' I said, 'All right, bad example! 'but the point is, if we didn't have to have all this unnecessary foreplay, 'I wouldn't need the energy boost!' (LAUGHTER) That's the tea, by the way, in case you were wondering what that is. I'm not just showing off to a little fella. Oi! Mate, look at that. All right? Have you got any Hobnobs? A walking holiday. I don't want to go on a walking holiday! Do you know what I want to do? We went to the Dordogne. I don't know anything about the Dordogne. It sounds like a Frenchman bungee jumping. Whoof! Do-doing...! What do I want to go on a walking holiday for? I want to stay at home watching telly, that's my holiday. Lying on the sofa doing nothing. I would happily do that 24 hours a day. I could watch the adverts all day. I'm obsessed with the adverts. There's one advert that really obsesses me. The Iceland supermarket adverts. Is it my imagination, or are they just getting cheaper every single year? I saw a full-page spread the other day in the newspaper. It said, '50 sausage rolls for a pound.' What the fuck is in them? 50 sausage rolls for a pound?! I wouldn't mind, but I turned the paper over and there was a quarter page advert for Oxfam. It said, '�10 will feed this child for a month.' Fuck that! Give him a quid! Send him to Iceland. 50 sausage rolls for a pound! I'm sorry, but if you're giving your child 50 sausage rolls for �1, it's borderline cruelty. 'Mum's gone to Iceland.' 'I know. We're from social services.' 50 saus...! I shouldn't mock it. You know what they say ` if it's good enough for Kerry Katona... don't fucking eat it! (LAUGHTER) Adverts are wasted on people like me. They really are. I saw a bottle of L'Oreal shampoo the other day. �9.50. And I genuinely thought, I'm not worth it! �9.50! I hate being ripped off ` it's like stamps. See that, stamps are going up again. Will someone tell me why a first-class stamp is going up? What do they do? You get your stamp, put it on the letter, put it in the postbox, it drops to the bottom. This man comes and opens it, he puts it in his sack and he takes it back to the post office, sticks it on a conveyor belt where it goes round a few times until some fella puts it in the pigeonhole. It stays in the pigeonhole for a while, it waits there till he puts it in his sack and then he puts it on a little van and drives it to the Midlands and chucks it on a conveyor belt where it goes round until the other fella comes and picks it up, puts it in a pigeonhole and it sits there until a fella comes and puts it in his sack, puts it on an articulated lorry, drives to the north-east of England where it gets put on a conveyor belt for the third time and it goes round and then gets put back in the pigeonhole then goes back in the van and he drives it to the man on the bike who cycles five miles in the pouring rain and hand-delivers it to me Uncle Pete on the secluded farm. And they want 68p for that? Fuck off! I'm not an idiot! - (APPLAUSE) - I hate being ripped off! It was like the other day. I bought a Dalmatian dog. I thought it was a Dalmatian, joined the dots ` springer fucking spaniel. * But it is nice being here in Hammersmith. You're all... I say in Hammersmith like you were a Hammersmith audience, but give me a cheer if you actually are from London. (CHEERING) Give me a cheer and a wave if you're not from London. (CHEERING) Where are you from, madam there with the green top on and the black glasses? In fact, what's your name, first of all? Margarita. Margarita. Oh, fucking hell. That reminds me, I'm starving. (LAUGHTER) Whereabouts are you from, Margarita? Chile. From Chile? Oh. I don't think I've ever had a Chilean in the crowd before. What are you doing in London, by the way? I live and work here. You live and work here? I didn't think you commuted, love. I mean What do you do for a living? What do you do in London? I sell books. You sell books? What kind of books do you sell? Usually forbidden books. You sell books that are usually forbidden? (LAUGHTER) You know you're saying this very loudly in public, don't you? I'm from the north of England. All books are forbidden. We'll do an experiment, Margarita. I'll ask where you're from in Chile, and you tell me the place in Chile, and I'm gonna immediately know a joke about that town. Nice and loudly, Margarita. You tell me where you're from. Why the hell am I doing this for the DVD? Let's give it a bash. SQUEAKS: Fuck! Margarita, nice and loudly, where are you from? Puerto Montt. Puerta Mon? (LAUGHTER) Preferably a fucking place I've heard of, love. Puerta... Put 'em on? Usually women, when I'm in the bedroom, shout that. Eugh, put 'em on. (LAUGHTER) 'Take 'em off!' 'Put 'em on!' Actually, I've got it. Nice and loudly. Here we go. Where are you from, Margarita? Puerto Montt. You bring 'em closer, and I'll 'old 'em. Oh no, that's fucking Oldham. Hang on. Fuck. That's not it. Shit. Oh no, it's one of the foreign places. Sorry. Do it again. Where are you from? Puerto Montt. It means nothing to me! That's fucking Vienna! Just wait! I know what I'm doing! I said where are you from, not what did you get for Christmas! That's fucking New Jersey. Hang on, just give me a minute. Fucking Puerto Montt. MUTTERS: Puerto Mon... Put 'em on... What the fuck is Puerto Montt? It depends how far up you put it. No, that's a place called Baton-Up-The-Poophole. A village. I've remembered. This is gonna take the roof off. You're gonna like this. This will take the roof off. I know the Puerto Montt joke. I've remembered it. Nice and loudly. Watch this. This is gonna kill. Where are you from? Puerto Montt. No, I said, 'Where are you from?' not, 'What happened to your grandfather's virginity?' Nantucket. (LAUGHTER) WHISPERS: Fuck! (APPLAUSE) Fuck! I'm recording a DVD! You've spoiled this! I'll give you a chance, Margarita. In fact, I'm gonna give everyone a chance. We're gonna see what you're like at punchlines. It's time for the Lee Mack Punchline Quiz. I'm going to say an old-fashioned joke. If you can tell me the punchline to the joke, you will win tonight's star prize, which is behind that curtain. How about that? Yes, it's genuinely got a bit tense. I like that. COCKNEY ACCENT: Don't fuck about, Colin. I think he's telling the truth. If you know this, you shout it out. He's from the North. It's probably a basket full of Spam, and I fucking need this for Christmas. Don't fuck about. If you know it, you fucking say it, all right? A woman walks into the doctors. She says, 'I feel like a wigwam and a teepee.' And the doctor says... You're two tents! Two tents! Who said that up there? Ooh, you're close. He says, 'You've got massive flaps.' I can't give you that. Oh, that was close, wasn't it? (APPLAUSE) And can I just say, I don't think I've know anyone to answer a question so much in need of a basket full of Spam. Two tents! I said it! I want the fucking meat! It's only a bit of fun, mate. Calm it down. Don't shout` Shut it! (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Where are you, mate? Give us a wave. Where are you? Bermondsey. No, where are you now, you dickhead, not... Where are you? 'Bermondsey.' You've got a loud voice, mate, but even... Where are you? 'I'm in Bermondsey right now.' What's your name, sir? Sefton. Your name is Sefton? Yes! Are you called Sefton, really? Yeah, seriously. You've got the deepest voice of anybody I've ever had in an audience. GROWLS: Yeah! There's bloody whales in the ocean going, 'Was that you?' What do you do for a living, Sefton? I'm a carpet cleaner. How long have you been a carpet cleaner for? About four year. Four year? I think there's an S at the end of there, mate. You want to get that sorted out, you could cause confusion in your job. 'I've come to clean your carpet.' 'I want upstairs and downstairs doing.' 'I know, I'm going to clean all your carpet.' (LAUGHTER) 'What, all the carpet in the living room?' 'No, no, I'm gonna clean all your carpet.' 'Look, mate, are you going to clean the carpet, or are you going to clean all of my carpets?' 'I've told you, sweetheart, I'm going clean every single one of your carpet.' (LAUGHTER) What's the name of the company, Efton? Sorry, I missed out the S. I wanted you to know how annoying it was. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I'll give you another chance to win the prize. What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your grandfather's Y-fronts? Your grandmother! Your grandmother? No, it's his withered old cock! The clues are in the questions. Come on, buck up! We'll do catchphrases. I'll say an old-fashioned catchphrase, you tell me who did the catchphrase, and we'll give away tonight's star prize. Here we go. Right. So. Old-fashioned catchphrase number one. First one to shout out. We won't do any jokes this time. Who used to say this famous catchphrase? Now then, now then, now then. Goodness gracious me. As it happens, guys and gals, how's about that, then? Jimmy Saville! It's the right answer. See? No jokes that time. Trust me, no jokes that time. Even I know where to draw the line. Definitely no jokes that time. Let's move on quickly. Well done. You won the prize. In fact, I didn't tell you, it's a two-part question. You gotta get both parts right, sorry. Who used to say this famous catchphrase? Shut that door. Larry Grayson! Larry Grayson! No, that was also Jimmy Saville. I can't give you that. Sorry. I've started to think there's no fucking prize, Colin. Don't shout out. He's taking the piss. There's no fucking prize. There's no meat. There's no fucking Spam. Fuck him. I'll give you the science question. You're a clever lot. We'll finish off with the science question. If you get this right, I definitely will give you the prize. No jokes this time. Here we go. What keeps growing after you die? Your hair! Your hair! Who said that? No, it's your kids. Oh, that was close. It's your kids. No prize tonight. - What if we gave you free power... to use however you like whenever you like, just for being a customer? * I'll take this off. It's hot, isn't it? (CHEERING) Don't worry, you're not causing a disturbance. You take your time. You get out there. Just... What an extremely unusual run you've just done there, madam. I've never seen anyone run and use their arms so little! 'Right, I've gotta get out of here in a way that he won't take the piss. 'I'll just do it confidently, quietly, and in no way will he be able to take the piss. Here we go.' Do they work, those arms? She'll be knackered when she gets to the toilet! 'Use me teeth!' I wouldn't clean her carpet! Oh, carpet man's back. What did you say? I wouldn't clean her carpet! You wouldn't clean it? (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) I'm trying to work out whether that's some sort of euphemism that doesn't make any sense. Like a really bad cockney version of Kenneth Williams. Ooh, yeah! I wouldn't clean 'er carpet, eh? I think you know what I'm saying! No, actually, Sefton, we haven't got a fucking clue what you're on about. And sir with the glasses on, you all right? Yeah? And is this your good lady wife? You married? Got any kids? Four. Four kids? God bless you. How many boys? Two. Two boys. How many girls? I've got two boys. Someone came up to me. I've got two boys. They were stood right next to me. I don't know how anyone has got the confidence to do this. With my two boys next to me, someone came up and said, 'Lee, you've got two sons. Be honest, which is your favourite?' My favourite boy?! That's like asking which is me favourite testicle! It's the big one, obviously! Don't like that little one, it's embarrassing. We've been thinking about fostering, but no one will have him. I'm not taking 'em anywhere any more. We don't take the kids anywhere. We took them to Disney World last year. You'd think they'd enjoy that, Disney World. No, no, we got told... She's back! I bet you haven't washed your hands, cos you can't move 'em! Disney World, you'd think they'd have the time of their life. You'd think they'd enjoy Disney World. No, no. Let me tell you something about Disney World, right? They cried the whole time, said it was boring, wanted to come home and said it was the worst holiday they've ever had. Sorry, not Disney World. The other one. Carpet World. Taking them to Land of Leather next year! I'm not sure about America any more. I went last year. I just... Have we got any Americans in tonight, by the way? I'm not gonna take the piss. I like America. It's just the gun culture. It's a frightening place, isn't it? I said to my friend, who's American, 'Call me naive, but why don't they just get rid of all guns in America? 'Just get rid of them all.' And my American friend said, 'No, Lee. Guns don't kill people. People kill people.' I thought, 'That is a good point, isn't it? Let's get rid of all Americans.' I'm not quite as strict as I used to be. My wife thinks I'm a bit too strict with the kids, cos I put them on the naughty step, right? Well, I call it the naughty step. She calls it the window ledge. I don't shout at them any more, though. Psychological threats, that's the best way. Psychological threats. You know, 'Pick your toys up. 'Pick your toys up. 'Pick... your... toys... up. 'Don't make me do to you what I did to your brother Jake.' 'Who's Jake? (LAUGHTER) It's so difficult having kids, isn't it? Everything changes when you've got kids. Everything's suddenly an ethical debate. Even everyday things like spending money. You start asking loads of ethical questions about it. 'Oh, should I be buying fair-trade bananas? 'Maybe I should be buying jam jars that are recyclable. 'Perhaps I should be tipping these prostitutes.' Everything's suddenly a debate, isn't it? And everyday little phrases change, don't they? Before I had kids, if a woman came up to me and said she was good in bed, I'd think, 'Great, sexually active, very confident'. If a woman come up to me now and she was good in bed, I'd think, 'Great, sleeps through the night, doesn't need a plastic undersheet'. And it's not gonna get any better, is it? They're gonna become teenagers. Have we got any teenagers in the house tonight? (SCATTERED CHEERS) Teenagers. Oh, it's the hands woman! Finally, they work! What's your name, madam? Briony. Briony? Ah, they wanted a boy, didn't they? And, er... Your dad was outside going, 'Please be a boy, please be a boy, please be a boy! 'Can I call him Brian?!' Briony. How old are you, Briony? 19. 19. Ah. The problem with teenagers is they get so much sympathy, don't they? That is the problem with teenagers. So many songs written about you lot, Briony. 'Why must I be a teenager in love?' Big fucking deal! Why must I be 46-year-old man with a non-negotiable tracker mortgage? Get something to rhyme with that, Briony, and then get back to me! Smells Like Teen Spirit? Try smelling like a 46-year-old man with irritable bowel syndrome stuck on the Hammersmith flyover for an hour! Then you'll have problems, chicken! Kids, they want everything now, don't they? 3-D TV, that's the big thing in our house. 'Daddy, please get us a 3-D TV,' so I did. I got them 3-D TV, and now we've all got to sit around with the dark glasses on. Me, my wife, the kids, the dog, the budgie. It's like being around at the fucking Orbisons'. Tell you what, though, have you ever watched 3-D TV? It's amazing. We watched 3-D golf recently. It's unbelievable! You know what, it's like actually being there. It was so boring we fell asleep. But it's already out of date. My 3-D television is already out of date. And do you know how I know this? Because I went to Blackpool recently. Blackpool. They've got, in Blackpool, a tourist information office that claims to have Britain's first purpose-built 4-D cinema. Well, I was so excited! I went straight round there. I said, 'Pray tell, what is this fourth dimension in film?' And this lad, very proud, went... 'Smell. 'We emit an odour during the performance, which will enhance your enjoyment.' I said 'Oh, yeah, but when I do that...' I said, 'So you're telling me that the fourth dimension in film is smell? 'Is that what you're telling me?' He said, 'Yeah.' I said, 'Right, I've got some shocking news for you, right? Shocking news. 'Smell is not a dimension, it's a sense. 'You've made a schoolboy error there, haven't you?' He said, 'I am a schoolboy.' I said, 'That's not the point. 'The point is, since Einstein's theory of relativity, 'I think you'll find that the fourth dimension is generally considered as time. 'So unless you're somehow magically going to transport me back in time 30 years during this film, 'I am going to sue Blackpool Borough Council for breach of contract.' Anyway, after the film we had a walk around Blackpool town centre and, to be fair, they have pulled it off. You know that phrase, 'There's no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothes'? Well done, Blackpool, for pulling off the double! I try and do my best with the technology. I really do. I'm not very good with it, though. You'd be proud of me, teenager, Briony. Do you know what I did this morning? I illegally downloaded some music. I paid for it, but whilst I was doing it, I was fucking a cat. SEFTON: Hey, hey! Hey, I won't fucking clean that carpet! Cos I've got four cat. (LAUGHTER) I try my best. It's all the little things you're supposed to learn. I can't catch 'em. Even the simple stuff like texting. You know when you write something funny, and someone texts back, 'Ha ha.' Don't write laughter. You can't write it. It's an involuntary action that comes out. It's like crying. You don't write that down, do you? 'Sorry to hear your nan's dead. Boo hoo ` exclamation mark.' And all these little symbols I'm supposed to learn, like the wink and the tongue. I got that at the end of a text. Wink. I said to my kid, 'What the hell does that mean?' He goes, 'If it's at the end of the text, it means "only joking".' Oh, does it? I have been doing this job for almost 20 years. If I did that at the end of every joke, people would think I was having a mental breakdown! What if I came on and went, hey, I got a letter in the post. It said, 'Please do not bend.' I thought, 'How am I supposed to pick it up?' Fuck's he doing that with his face for? Is he having a breakdown? A fella came up to me and said, 'Have you got a spare fag?' I said, 'I don't smoke.' He said, 'Any change?' I said, 'No, I still don't smoke.' Fucking stop doing that with your face, you weirdo! Imagine how Dan would've felt if I came on tonight and went, 'Hey, your ugly face. I'm only joking!' I do my best with the kids. I really do. I read to them every night. I read Harry Potter. They like that. Although I don't like doing it. I don't like reading out loud, cos you're supposed to do all the character voices, and the problem with that is they don't tell you the motivation for those characters most of the time till the end of the sentence! I spend my life saying things like, Harry walked into the room and saw Ron. 'What are you doing in here?!'... he whispered. GROWLS: 'Right, let's get ourselves down to Hogwarts,' said... Hermione, apparently.' It sends you insane, having kids. We've had this box on our shelf for a long time, little wooden box. I thought, 'What is that?' And I finally got to open it, and my wife said, 'Oh, you know what that is, don't you?' I said no. She went, 'That is where we keep mementos of the kids.' I said, 'What do you mean, mementos?' She went, 'Have a look.' So I open it up and I swear to God, there's three little velvet bags. I thought, 'Odd.' I open up the first velvet bag and inside the first velvet bag was hair. That kind of hair, by the way. I don't mean 'her' ` that's my accent. She wasn't in the bag. She's not a Borrower. She hadn't fallen in. 'Let me out!' Hair, in the bag. I said, 'What's the hair in the bag for?' She went, 'Well, when I cut the kids' hair, I keep it as a little keepsake in the bag.' Oh, normal! 'Why do you do that?' 'Cos it's nice.' 'All right, fair enough.' I then open up the second bag. Do you know what was inside the second bag? Teeth. Little, tiny teeth. When the kids' teeth fall out, she puts it in a little bag and keeps it. Why would you keep teeth in a bag? My wife said, 'Oh, because, you know, it's nice. 'They've got nice hair and nice teeth.' I said, 'They've got nice eyes, I wouldn't want to see them in a bag, would I?' And then I thought, at least it doesn't get any worse. Oh, it got worse! I opened up the third bag. Do you know what was inside the third bag? You know that bit of umbilical cord that falls off? She'd been keeping that for each of the children! At this point, I was thinking, 'Thank fuck we're not Jewish!' What if I'd have thought that was biltong?! What on earth would you do that for? And then I realised exactly why she's doing it. Two years ago, I said I didn't want any more children. She's building another one! Still, it comes in handy for the psychological threats. 'You're not gonna pick your toys up? Fine. 'Stay there, and have a look at what's left of your brother Jake.' (SCREAMS LIKE A CHILD) She did win the argument, by the way. Oh, yes, she won the argument because we had another child. And very recently, we had a little girl. AUDIENCE: Aw! Little Millie Moo-Moo. Not her real name, obviously. Her real name is Big Steve Woof-Woof. We weren't going to call her Millie originally. We were going to go for an Irish name. That's what my wife wanted. She's from an Irish family. But I decided we weren't going to give her an Irish name, for the simple reason that the Irish names are the most complicated names in the world. They're the only nation in the world that somehow manage to have more syllables in their name than they do letters. How is that possible? 'What's your name?' INDISTINCT IRISH ACCENT: 'Finnan O'Hardigan.' 'Sorry?' 'My name is Finnan O'Hardigan.' 'What?' 'Finnan O'Hardigan.' 'Finnan O'Hardigan?' 'Not Finnan O'Hardigan.' 'Finnan O'Hardigan.' 'That's what I fucking said.' 'No, you said Finnan O'Hardigan. It's Finnan O'Hardigan.' 'Are you burping in the middle or is that part...?' 'My name's Finnan O'Hardigan!' 'Can you just spell it for me?' 'Yes. F-E... That's it.' 'How can that be Finnan O'Hardigan?!' Or it's the complete opposite, isn't it? 'How do you spell your name?' 'D-E-A-O-U-R-G-H-A-O-U- R-B-A-U-A-Y-E-umlaut... 'E-A-O-U-R-picture of vegetable-A-O-U-R... 'abstract concept-A-R-B-H.' 'How do you pronounce that?' 'Dave!' 'My name's Dave!' We met some girls in Ireland on this tour. I said to her, 'So what's your name?' 'Siobhan.' 'Oh, that's one of those tricky names to spell. 'Let me see if I can remember how to spell it. Is it S-H...' 'No, no, it's not S-H. You've gone wrong already.' 'What do you mean I've gone wrong already? 'How can Siobhan not begin with an S-H?' 'Cos it doesn't.' 'Are you sure?' 'It's my name, I know how to spell my name. It is not S-H.' 'What is it then?' 'S-I-O.' 'S-I-O? Siobhan? What are you on about?' 'It's Siobhan, S-I-O.' 'Oh, I could have sworn there was an H in there.' 'There is.' 'Where does that go, then?' 'It goes in the middle.' 'There's an H in the middle of Siobhan?' 'Yes.' 'Where does that go, after the V?' 'There's no fucking V in Siobhan.' 'Are you pissed, love? What are you talking about, 'there's no V in Siobhan?' 'Where does the H go, then?' 'It goes after the B, obviously!' 'Fuck are you talking about?!' 'B-H is pronounced V.' 'No, it's not, love. It's pronounced buh-huh. Your name is Sio-buh-huh-hon. 'Sio-buh-huh-hon, have you met Finnan O'Hardigan? 'Finnan O'Hardigan, have you met Sio-buh-huh-hon?' I met another one. 'What's your name?' 'Niamh.' 'Oh, Niamh. Right, let me have a go. N-A-I... 'Yes, oh, I know the middle bit. Niamh. B-H.' 'What the fuck are you talking about, B-H in Niamh?' 'Well, she said...' 'I don't care what she said, it's not B-H.' 'All right, it's a V.' 'It's not a fucking V, either.' 'What do you mean it's not a V? What could it be?' 'It's an M!' 'Fucking M?! have you been in a car crash?! How can Niamh have an M in it?' How do they get their names in fucking Ireland? Do they put their hands in a Scrabble bag, go like that and go, 'That's your name. Good luck.' 'Wait a minute, Daddy, how do I pronounce that? 'Never mind. Put your fucking clogs on and don't move your arms when you're dancing.' - People fly for all kinds of different reasons, like going to work, and going on leave. You fly for a hug... - Hi, Dad. - ...or a hug-shake? - Hey, that's my bag. - (MAKES ROBOTIC NOISES) - And to see your best friends. - (COOS EXCITEDLY) (DOGS BARK) - Everyone has a reason for flying, and our reason is you. * I tell you now, never talk to anyone in the front row in Ireland. At least they know the rules in England. The rules are you ask someone their name in the front row, they answer you, and that's the end of it. Not in Ireland. Don't have any conversation with anyone in Ireland unless you're in for the long haul. Cos the rules in Ireland are, they breathe in deeply and they keep on talking until they've run out of breath. 'What's your name, mate?' 'My name is Padraig. I live round the corner. 'You must come and visit my mother and father and stay for a month. 'And we'll have roast chicken and we'll take the dog for a walk, 'and we'll have a game of pool and it'll be a great time, and we'll walk to the castle 'and I've gotta keep talking cos I've got air in my lungs, 'and if you've got air in your lungs in Ireland, you've gotta keep talking till you run out of breath. 'In fact, I think I'm starting to run out of breath, and I'm gonna faint. Goodnight.' (APPLAUSE) Oh! Well, ladies and gentlemen, what can I say? You've been a lovely audience. If you'd like to follow me after the show, I will phone the police. I tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm going to finish off with something a bit different, right, because it's the DVD night. So let's finish off with something a bit unusual. I'm gonna finish off with a true story. Now, I've not told anyone this before, but I'm going to tell you guys because I've gotta get it off my chest. I don't know if it's funny, but you're going to fucking hear it, whether you like it or not! This is a true story about how ` And I'm gonna leave you on this. I don't know when it was, but my auntie and uncle a while back ` they live up north and I live in London now, and my cousin lives in London as well. And I'm not that close to my cousin, but I know she lives down here. Anyway, my auntie and uncle's house, it recently started flooding whilst they were on holiday, and their neighbours had my number, so I got a phone call, didn't I? And they said, 'Lee, your auntie and uncle's house is starting to flood. You need to it sort out.' I said, 'I'll phone my cousin straight away and get it sorted.' So I make a phone call. Anyway, she's not in. The boyfriend answers. She's at work. I went, 'Oh, dear, I need to talk to her straight away.' He says, 'You're gonna have to phone her at work, then.' I thought, 'Hello! This is gonna be awkward.' And do you know why it's awkward? And I swear to God this is true. My cousin is one of the girls that works on Babestation. She's genuinely one of the girls that you see on the screen, right? So I thought, 'I'm gonna have to phone her.' So I phoned her. Obviously, I turned the telly off ` I've got some dignity. So, I turned the telly off, I opened the curtains and I pulled my trousers up. No, seriously, I'm joking! This is genuinely true. I phone her up, I go, 'Oh, listen, a bit awkward, but this is Lee, 'and your house up north, your mum and dad's house, it's getting flooded. You need to sort it out.' And she says, 'Oh, right, I'll sort it out as soon as I finish my shift.' I went, 'Great. She went, 'How are you, by the way?' I said, 'Yeah, I'm fine.' She goes, 'How are the kids? 'Yeah, great.' 'How's your wife?' 'Fine, thanks.' She started making small talk with me, basically, and this went on for about 25 minutes. Now, I thought nothing of this at the time. Two weeks later, I get a phone bill. �46.50! I couldn't believe it! I was livid! I literally rang her up straight away, but the boyfriend answered again, said, 'Oh, she's at work again.' I said, 'Good, she's at work, 'now's the time to ring her, she can get me the refund.' But this time, I'm going to keep it quick. I phone up. She answers the phone. I said, 'I'm going to keep it really quick this time. You know that phone call, yeah? �46.50.' She went, 'That's outrageous.' I said, 'Tell me about it. Get me a refund.' She went, 'I will. As soon as my shift is finished, I'll see the manager and get your money back.' I said, 'Thank you. That's the right thing to do.' She went, 'No, thank you.' I said, 'Why?' 'If it wasn't for you telling me about the flood, we wouldn't have got it all sorted out.' I said, 'Well, that's fine, no problems.' She said, 'Having said that, it was still a nightmare with the insurance.' I said, 'Why?' And she goes, 'Why? Let me tell you!' She then starts telling me every intimate detail of the contract in intimate detail ` tells me everything about the insurance claim. And it goes on for 45 minutes! I get another phone bill, four weeks later, �82! So I've gotta phone her again, haven't I?! So I phone her back! This time, I thought, 'I'm going to make it really quick this time.' And... Oh, don't worry, my wife didn't believe any of this, either. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Ladies and gentlemen, you've been a lovely audience. Thank you very much for coming. Thank you very much. Goodnight. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I'm genuinely humbled! I can't believe this. I was literally in the car. I was driving home and the window was open a bit. I thought, 'Is that for me?' And I'm back. And I genuinely wasn't expecting this. What a lovely surprise! Oh, fuck it. I left the jacket. You knew I was coming. I do that. If I'm not sure about the encore, I leave the jacket and then they know I'm coming back and then I get the encore. That's how it works. Sometimes I walk off in just my pants and shoes. Listen, you've been a lovely audience, you genuinely have. And I have to be honest with you, all this ` you know, my name in lights, the stage, the audience, none of this means anything to me. No, it really doesn't. It really doesn't, seriously. I'm sorry to end on an overly sincere point, but it has to be said. There's only really three things in life I've ever wanted ` a penis extension, a rich Nigerian businessman to pay for it and a mature woman in my area who wants to make love to a man like me tonight. An unobtainable dream, you might think. Well, guess who got three very lucky e-mails this morning? (APPLAUSE) So, any questions? (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) You what? How am I going to spend the extra hour tonight? What extra hour? The clocks are going back? I always get mixed up with that fucking clocks going back. I spend a lot of time in Australia. Have we got any Australians in? They call it daylight savings, don't they? And I got very confused about that because we came down from the hotel, we were checking out, and I said to the bloke behind the counter, 'Do we have to put the clocks back?' And he said, 'Well, we don't mind you nicking the towels, but don't take the piss.' And I said, 'No, the clocks back, you know, when you do...?' And he went, 'Oh, daylight savings?' I'd never heard that expression in my life ` daylight saving. I thought daylight savings was the opposite of daylight robbery. I'd been walking round, making a right dick of myself. Really? 50p for a Cornetto? That is daylight savings! Any other questions? MAN: When are you finally going to shag Lucy in Not Going Out? When am I going to finally give Lucy one in Not Going Out? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yeah! Come on, Lee. Fuck the jokes. Tell us about the filth. Go on! When are you gonna do it? How are you gonna do it? Show us how you're gonna do it. Demonstrate it. Yeah! Go on! I'll play Lucy. (LAUGHTER) I fucking wouldn't clean that carpet. (LAUGHTER) That's what I'm gonna call this fucking DVD ` I Wouldn't Clean That Carpet. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Let me tell you an interesting story about Not Going Out, an exclusive for tonight. - This might be the last series. - AUDIENCE: Aww! Because we are moving things on after this. I won't say which way, but it could be the end. And I'll tell you the honest reason why this sitcom might be ending ` because I can't be doing with writing the fucker any more! And the reason I can't be doing with writing it is because of the person I write with. Because the person I write with ` and this is true ` baldy man with a bit of fluffy hair, not much, just a tiny bit of fluffy hair on his head. And I tell you that for a reason, because when I turn Skype on and I look at him, the first thing I see is his favourite game. And do you know what my baldy mate with a little bit of fluffy hair, do you know what his favourite game is? Bollock Or Head?! I swear to God, that's the first thing... Oh, please, tell me it's your head! No, it's my bollock again! Why is that allowed? I don't remember being able to do that before we had technology, do you? Welcome to the boardroom, everybody. Welcome to the boardroom. Today, we're gonna start by playing my favourite game. So someone put the blindfold on Wendy. Wendy, hold out your hand. Yes, it's time once again for Sausage Or Cock?! Come on, Wendy, what is it?! The other thing about writing which I don't like, is my computer is so old... My computer, right, honest to God, the letter C on my computer doesn't work, it's really knackered, and I have to hit it really hard to get it to work, and sometimes it doesn't appear at the beginning of sentences. And, so... You know when my wife said, 'We are going on a walking holiday'? I thought, I'm not having that. I'm gonna choose the holiday, and I'm gonna do the Google search. And I decided we were gonna go canal cruising. Yeah, don't worry. My wife didn't believe any of this, either. So, ladies and gentlemen, you've been a lovely... You know when a comedian's nervous? When he's putting his fucking jacket on before he leaves the stage. Fuck it, there's a load of cockney weirdos in. Bring the van round the side. I'm just gonna jump straight in. He's gonna clean my carpet. Fuck it, I'll jump in the Thames. I'll outswim him. I could outswim the lot of you, by the way. I'm an amazing swimmer. I can do all the strokes. I can do that, do the breaststroke, do the crawl. There's only one stroke I've never mastered and that is the butterfly. What is the point of that stroke? Unless you're a wind-up toy in the bath, why does anybody swim like that? How did it get in the Olympics? I mean, it's not a new event, is it, swimming like that? We've already got the event ` it's called the crawl. Doing both arms at the same time does not make it a new event! It means the same event, but you're fucking mental. Imagine that with any other event. You wouldn't put up with it, would you? I've got an event, Olympic Committee. You're gonna love this. It's called the 100m sprint. No, we've already got that covered. No, you've not. Bit of a twist. Both legs at the same time. Go! (LAUGHTER) - (APPLAUSE) - Of course... There's one Olympian, isn't there? One Olympian that has been non-stop news coverage for the last two years. Oh, yeah. I am of course talking about Oscar Leonard Carl Theobald Sebastian Pistorius. And with a name like that, I thought we were looking at a longer sentence. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Do you know what? Before anyone goes home, googles that name and finds out I'm lying, I'm gonna make a confession. It's not his real name. No. His real name is Oscar Leonard Carl Pistorius. Right? But I found the joke wasn't working, cos the name wasn't long enough. So I added on Theobald and Sebastian, and suddenly the joke started working. Fuck it! I mean, I know a lot of you will think that's cheating, but even Oscar would admit, if you have to attach a couple of extra bits to make things run smoothly, go for it. Now,... Ladies and gentlemen, how do we end a show like this? There's only one way to end it, and that's of course to dedicate it to the beautiful Flo. Flo, we're ending the show just for you. Because yes, it's time once again... for some magic. (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) (AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES) (LAUGHTER) (EXCITING MUSIC) (LAUGHTER) (MUSIC STOPS) (LAUGHTER) You're still not interested, are you? (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for coming to the show! You've been a lovely audience! Thank you! Goodnight! Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2021