In 2009, I was a highly successful rugby league player when I attacked two innocent men. I was suffering from a severe psychotic episode which changed my life forever. (ELECTRICITY BUZZES) www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021 I was tasered, handcuffed, and thrown in the jail cell. (CELL DOOR SLAMS) As I was locked up, the voices in my head were telling me to kill myself, so I started banging my head against a wall until my head was saturated with blood. (DISTORTED WHOOSHING) (TAPE REWINDS) (TENSE TONE BUILDS) (THOUGHTFUL SYNTH MUSIC) Well, first time my parents met ` there's a few stories to it, but I'll stick to the one that I believe that is true. My parents were in their late teens on a night out in Petone, and they meet at one of the local bars. Back then, my dad had the long, black hair; the hazel eyes. He was quite attractive. And my mom ` beautiful as she is now. Only a few months later that they married. My brother was born in 1976. I followed five years later in 1981, and my beautiful young sister entered this world in 1983. I believe the rent was $16 per week back then ` state housing. My parents, both factory workers, had to work hard for each and every dollar, and they delivered. - I did nights for about 15 years. Yeah, and, um,... (INHALES DEEPLY) Getting home at 8 o'clock in the morning, get up again at 2 o'clock. They'd come home from school, and that would be me awake. The hardest part was when I'd get home and I've got the three of them waiting for me to take them to school. (LAUGHS) 'Just take them to school.' I was like, 'Oh, no. Not` Here we go again.' - I would describe my dad through my childhood... - Jump in the car. - ...being a man of strength and staunchness and definitely providing. (ENGINE WHIRRS) My was an all-round sportsman. We had the big backyard. There was a lot of competitive games. It kept us together. (PENSIVE PIANO MUSIC) Good old mumsy. My beautiful mumsy cleaned the house with one broomstick. Just like my dad, very hard-working. She had that shy nature as well, and I think I take after my mum a lot. - He was sensitive. Yeah. He'd hurt quite quickly, and he didn't like hurting others as well, you know? He was that kind of boy growing up. (CONTEMPLATIVE AMBIENT MUSIC) I know his brother and sister used to do some cheeky things to him, like tie him to a chair... (SELLOTAPE CRACKLES) ...and tape him up and that, and he said his big brother just` they had some popcorn one time, and apparently, Vern would just give him one, (LAUGHS) you know? One at a time. But, um, to Vern, that was funny. I suppose it was back in those days. - Although at the time, through my childhood, it seemed like we didn't have much, but we actually had... we had a lot of positives. I give my parents a lot of respect for doing what they knew at the best at that time to provide for us as a family. (TENSE ATMOSPHERICS SWELL) (BREATHES DEEPLY) (DISTORTED TONE BUZZES) At the age of 6,... my parents decided to have a few drinks with their friends at their house. While they were drinking in the kitchen or the lounge room, myself and their son ` who was around 11 or 12 ` and he took advantage of me spiritually, mentally, and at the time, I didn't know what was happening. I thought that we were just... playing games, but we weren't. He was` He was taking control of me. I was put in a position to... to do things that I... didn't know what I was doing. I do remember my dad coming into the room and telling me to... to come home. - I tell you what ` you give me a big hug... - But I also remember this young boy telling me to do everything you can to stay, Paul. Make sure you cry. You want to stay. (DOOR CREAKS) So, he... he manipulated me into begging my dad, 'No, Dad. I'll stay. Let me stay, please.' (SIGHS GENTLY) And when he shut that door,... (TENSE AMBIENT WHOOSHING) it turned my world upside down. (WHOOSHING CONTINUES) I can still... sense... the urine of his undies and him riding me and taking advantage of me, cunningly manipulating me to do things. And all I thought was, 'Just a game.' (SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC) When I left their house in the morning when my dad picked me up, I had` I took one look at that house,... and then I never looked back. I had just been sexually abused in every way ` spiritually, mentally. But somehow, I built the strength and... and buried it and moved on with my life. (PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES) I just didn't have confidence in the ability to share what I went through. I didn't know how. (SOFT, PENSIVE ELECTRONIC MUSIC) - MAN, DISTANTLY: Go. - Sport was my escape, sport was my sanctuary, and sport is where I found a value within myself. - He was determined as a young kid. He put 100% in. - Yeah. - He never went halfway. - Second-best wasn't it. - Yeah. He had to` It had to be good, you know? If he didn't put it in, it was like, you know, he wasn't happy. - That's the attitude. That's got to be 100%. He's got to win. - I wasn't the most physically dominant kid growing up. I was actually quite little. I would have been the smallest in my sporting teams. I was bullied physically and verbally. I do remember one time walking through the school corridor and being manhandled by the school bully. He was 6'3". He was a man, physically, at the age of 17, and physically dominated me in front of all my peers. It was very difficult, and people whispering and talking about you. That was the beginning stages of my anxiety issues and losing a lot of confidence during my schooling years because I didn't feel I belonged. The only connection that I had with my culture was going to tangi. We didn't speak Te Reo Maori in the house, have no knowledge of my tribal roots, and not knowing your true cultural identity ` it can be devastating for a young kid, and I went through a lot of 'who am I?' stages throughout my childhood and my adult years. I remember being more proud of being a Pakeha than a Maori. 'Yes. I'm in with the crowd. I'm one of them.' (DOWNBEAT PIANO MUSIC) At the age of 15, I had a massive growth spurt. My physical ability caught up with my mental strength, and then I started to dominate age-grade grade football. I had this burning desire to make it because I felt at the time I wanted to be somebody. I witnessed my parents going through hardships and struggles with work, with finances, with the reality of working hard to provide. I wanted different. I wanted to be able to travel the world and to be a success, to purchase nice things, to... to get the attention. So, even those I was young, I'd write out my goals. Every morning, I'd wake up, I'd read my goals before I went to bed. I'd look back in my diary and read my goals again. (ENERGETIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC BUILDS) Melbourne Storm came to town. They had a two-day training camp. I knew that to get noticed, I had to be in the front, and because I had put in the work beforehand ` I was running the streets at 4am, 5am, 6am, when others were partying or sleeping in ` I had dedicated myself to my craft. So it was big news. It was the first time a NRL club came to Wellington to deliver their training camp, and there was a lot of keen young athletes ready to crack it in first-grade, including me. - We already knew that the best kids in the key positions would attend, and Pauly was` Pauly was in that` not only was he in that group in terms of his talent, skill, and ability, but he was also a phenomenal athlete. And if I recall, it was his running time at the end of the physical day's activity that caught the eye of the Melbourne Storm. (VIBRANT MUSIC) MAN: Lovely! (VIBRANT MUSIC CONTINUES) - In 1998, I'm 17 years old. I received a scholarship to Melbourne. That really ignited a flame inside me ` a burning desire ` to continue my pursuit and dream to become a professional rugby league player. - Pauly had the footwork. He had the skill. He had the aggression. He had the confidence, and most importantly to play in the NRL, as they say, he had the motor. - I decided to move to Auckland. I made my first grade debut for the Warriors. But once more year with the Warriors finished, and I had a opportunity to move to Melbourne, I took that with both hands. I finished the season playing first-grade, but still, I was a fringe player trying to make it. - (COMMENTATOR YELLS INDISTINCTLY) - Professional sport is brutal. They might sign 80 players, but realistically, only 25 are going to play first-grade. Not all of those 25 are going to play every game. - How we found out who was in the top 25 ` there was a box in the changing room. There was 26 first-grade players, and one had to be cut. Everyone was going for their tracksuits in the box with their names on it. That's when I got a tap on the shoulder from the Melbourne Storm coach, Mark Murray, and he pulled me aside and said, 'Hey, Fats. Unfortunately, you didn't make the cut.' - Once the culling begins, you're either in or you're out. Pauly's had his fair share of outs. You've been part of the system as an elite 17-year-old. Well, you're now 20. You've been in the system for three years, looking forward to the chance to play first-grade, and you've just been told you're being cut. That's the end of it. And unless you've got another deal, you know, you've got to go home and get on with the rest of your life. So, it's brutal ` very brutal. - Shane Richardson ` the CEO for the Penrith Panthers ` he gave me a call, and I remember walking into his hotel room, and on his table was the contract. I didn't read the money signs. In my mind, I read 'opportunity,' and I signed that contract. Two days later, I moved to Sydney more determined to succeed. This was my lifeline, my last chance, and I made sure I ticked all the boxes to making that first-grade team. - COMMENTATOR: Schifcofske ` you bet he will! - I think he had one game in the lower grades, in the reserves, and after that, he played every premier game. Never missed. So, it was` You know, he did well for himself. - When you win consistently, it becomes a natural habit, and that's what we did that year. We were Premiership champions in 2003. It was important to share this moment with my dad, and I gave my dad this Premiership ring. - He said, 'You can have this, Dad, because you played every game,' which was true. So, I knew all his tries, when he scored, when he missed a tackle ` I knew everything. I was probably his worst critic, but his... one of his number-one fans. Yeah. No, it's good. It was awesome. - Yeah. I think he taped every game. - Every game. - Yep. Every game, he taped. (CROWD CHEERS, WHISTLES) - When a professional team becomes successful, things change. Players' contracts go up and salary caps, and there was somebody that had to miss out,... and that was me. But, for me, I didn't see it as a negative. I saw it as a positive, and it opened new opportunities for me. I turned up to the Wests Tigers in 2005. It was only a new organisation, but they were hungry for success, and that came around very quickly too. I'm very proud to be the first Kiwi to receive two premierships from two different clubs. After the grand final victory, I went straight into camp with the New Zealand Kiwis. Turning up to the Tri-Nations grand final, we were very confident that we could beat Australia. Not only did we beat Australia, we kept them to zero. - COMMENTATOR: Got a chance! I think he's got it down! That is peak Paul Whatuira! - And we came out victorious, beating Australia 24-0, and that is a memory that I'll cherish for the rest of my life as well. - Well, you put that in the perspective of a kid that was cut from the Warriors, cut from the Storm, playing in the Queensland Cup ` no idea what the future would hold ` beats Australia, wins the Tri-Nations, finishes with two Premiership rings, one of the most respected and revered players in the game. That is a story of overcoming adversity. - My confidence was riding really high. And I guess it probably ran... A lot higher than it should have. I expected people to give me things because I played first-grade, whether it be car sponsorships, sponsorship-brand clothing. I'm drinking hard, partying hard. Unfortunately, I started to look down on people. When that happens, something comes to bite you in the arse and you get checked out quite quickly, and sometimes in devastating ways. My last year at the Tigers in 2007, I felt, at the time, I really need to start thinking financially and setting myself up for my future once I retire from the game of rugby league. The Huddersfield Giants offered me a very healthy contract which I couldn't refuse, and that's when I decided to take that offer up and move to the UK. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) (LIQUID TRICKLES) (RELAXED ROCK MUSIC) (INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER) - Paul and I met out in a club one night, and nothing really happened. We kind of dated a little bit. That happened for maybe a year or so, and we found out that each of us was moving overseas to the UK, and so we decided to just give it a go, I think. - Living in a country away from your family and friends, when you only have each other, you become dependent and you go strong. Although we were very young, we definitely had a special bond at that time. We decided that it was the right time to become parents. Going through that process was fantastic. Yeah, I was still playing good football and having a great time in the UK. But the drinking culture was another level, and I wasn't taking care of myself. - There were instances where, just, things would happen that weren't the best, but not... I don't know. I don't know how much of that is just alcohol and how much was maybe Paul starting to not feel that well. That first year was fine, but then the real kind of thing happened, and he had a panic attack. We didn't take it seriously because the medical people that we sought help from ` just the GP and things ` didn't take it seriously either. They just kind of gave him some Valium or some downers and said, 'Be on your way.' But it wasn't long before things started to really fall apart. - When I found out Vanessa was hapu, first feeling that I felt was excitement, but also numbness and emptiness. I started to question myself, 'Why am I feeling this? I should be excited and over the moon.' We had planned to have a baby. We were travelling the world. We were happy. When you question yourself a lot, you find the answer, and I found the answer, and it took me straight back. It took me right back to my childhood, when I was sexually abused. * Finding out that I was about to become a father triggered memories of my sexual assaults. It was then my health took a dramatic decline. I suffered from insomnia. I found it difficult to sleep. I was worried, I was anxious, and I struggled in my training. I started to struggle within my games. I started to have suicidal thoughts for the first time ever. I was worried for myself and for Vanessa. I wasn't there 100%. Vanessa was pregnant. I had worries of becoming a father. I found it really difficult to forget the past. It really... gave me a good frickin' left hook. Yeah, it really stung me. (DOWNBEAT KEYBOARD MUSIC) Me and Vanessa decided to get out of town to relax and just to bring some enjoyment back into my life. (DISTORTED WHIRRING) (SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC) And that is when I didn't sleep for seven nights straight. (WHIRRING CONTINUES) And when you don't sleep, your world can really unfold very quickly, and that's when I started to suffer from psychotic episodes. I started to hear voices. And by then, Vanessa knew that I was very unwell and I had to get straight back to the UK and to check me into the hospital. (OVERLAPPING VOICES WHISPER) I was screaming. I was shouting. I was fighting the voices that were telling me to kill... my pregnant partner. In my mind, they were real, and I had to obey. (OVERLAPPING WHISPERS CONTINUE) Vanessa called the ambulance,... and they turned up just at the right time. (WHISPERING CONTINUES) (LIGHTS BUZZ) (INDISTINCT WHISPERING, LAUGHTER) - He was just going in and out of being normal and not being there at all. Laughing, crying ` the whole` like, pretty scary in terms of seeing someone that you know switch through all of those different personalities, I suppose. (DISTORTED WHOOSHING) Paul kind of said he didn't want me to be in the room, but I think that's because he was hearing voices to harm me. He would be, like, holding me really tight and then laughing, and then I was starting to then get worried. (INDISTINCT WHISPERING, LIGHTS BUZZ) (OMINOUS BASS TONE) - I do remember the nurse laying me in my bed. And I closed my eyes. (OMINOUS TONE BUILDS) And the voices became stronger. The voices... told me to kill myself. So I got up, grabbed the chair. I smashed all the windows. I went on a complete rampage. I threatened the nurses who were on shift at that time, and I broke out of the Huddersfield Hospital at 3am, running the streets of Huddersfield, trying to find ways to put myself out of this misery. I was looking for moving cars thrown in front of. But instead, I'd come across two young men going to work to provide for their family. (HUFFS) (THUD!) The voices in my head told me to hit him, so I hit him with four of the most hardest punches. Pop-pop-pop-pop. Knocked him out cold. (PUNCHES THUD, BODY COLLAPSES) He dropped. I kept running. I didn't even look back. Next person, I took a swing... and missed,... until finally, I was stopped by the police. I was in so much rage and anger. I was tasered, handcuffed, and thrown in the jail cell. As I was locked up, the voices in my head were telling me to kill myself. So I started banging my head against a wall... (CRACK!) ...until my head was saturated with blood. By then, the police knew I was in trouble. (THUD! THUD!) (MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY) So I was taken to a secure psychiatric hospital, where, finally, they would induce me with some heavy drugs. After seven days, I slept. (DISTORTED WHOOSHING SWELLS) I did try and reconnect back to the victim, but understandably, he declines, which I completely understand. I... I do sincerely hope that he's in a good place right now and that he's OK. I wasn't convicted. I was sanctioned under the Mental Health Act, diagnosed as being mentally unwell. All I knew was rugby league. I went straight back into training. - No one really talked to us when they released him, so they just released him. No aftercare. It was just like living with a different person. He would just walk past me as if I wasn't kind of there. The drugs that he was on made him quite slow to respond to things, and not that he was being awful or anything toward me, but just kind of it was like living with someone who doesn't respond at all. When I had Gabby, it wasn't the joyous, you know, welcoming of a child that you'd expect it to be. - I was a very unwell individual at that point in my life. - He wasn't very involved at all. She was a pretty hard baby, and he would sleep through all of that, and, again, I didn't know what the side effects of the medication were. No one talked to us about side effects. No one talked to us about what might happen post-this. I thought it was just him, and it was pretty disappointing for me. - And that's when I decided to retire from the game of rugby league. The big contracts weren't coming in. Confidence took another hit. My identity was rugby league, and now that I have retired, who am I? (EERIE AMBIENT MUSIC) (WATER LAPS) We planned to celebrate our wedding in the Cook Islands. I wanted to... showcase my fake persona at the wedding ` that I was still strong, that I was still confident, that I was still Paul Whatuira, the rugby league player, and that I'm all good. (EXHALES DEEPLY) But deep down,... (EXHALES DEEPLY) ...yeah, I was still hurting. Two days after the wedding ceremony, my whole world came crumbling down. * A year after my psychotic episode, I was in the Cook Islands, about to marry my partner, Vanessa. I... (SIGHS) Far out. (MUMBLES) Haven't talked about the wedding in depth in a long time. (CHUCKLES) (DISSONANT MUSIC) Yeah. I was a very unwell man. I felt like somebody had grabbed my heart, took it away from me, and I was just left with emptiness. I had no right to be there. The only way I found escape was through alcohol. - I was pretty angry; angry because there was alcohol involved, medication had been stopped, and I just thought I was doing everything that I could to keep Paul well, but he wasn't. - It was so wonderful. So, yeah. - Then, we were having dinner with my parents, and he broke down. - And that's when the voices returned... in full effect, exactly the same voices that attacked me in the UK when I had my episode, and those voices were to kill myself. - I don't` I'm trying to explain it. Um,... It was just hard anyway. It was really hard to think that he would have` he would have done it. That's how close he'd come to do it. - Yeah, things were out of, um,... were basically out of control at that time. Paul was really agitated. He was really anxious and he was really stressed. He felt unable to contain himself. He had often thought about going up into the hills and trying to hang himself, so he needed to be watched all the time. - We just had to keep our eyes on him because we didn't know he wasn't well. We were right there the whole time, eh? - Yeah. - Probably had two sleeping, and we all just put the mattresses in the lounge so we could all be together. - I know. - Just to make sure that he was safe. - I have a recollection of my parents carrying me on to the plane and carrying me off the plane when we returned back to New Zealand. A grown man,... apparently supposed to be a fit, healthy person being carried by his parents was definitely a low point in my life. It was ugly. It was ugly times. - His family wanted me and Gabrielle to go with him to New Zealand. My family knew that I couldn't, even if I'd wanted to. Like, I just... couldn't. (OVERLAPPING WHISPERS) So, I tried to call him multiple times, but he wouldn't answer. I called his family phone and he wouldn't speak to me. I didn't even know if I was still married. Like, I didn't know, you know? I just didn't know anything. I didn't know if he was coming back. I didn't know if he was alive. (OMINOUS TONE SWELLS) - Paul wouldn't go anywhere. He wouldn't leave the house. Sometimes, a couple of his friends would come knocking on the door and, you know, he wasn't well enough to talk to them at that time, and I used to come home sometimes at lunchtime and say, 'Oh, so you` Should we go for a coffee?' You know? 'Where are we going?' I said, 'Oh, just down the road.' But we never did. - I went to seek professional help. I was heavily medicated. I don't remember much because I was sleeping a lot. Yeah, that was a two-month process. Even though I was still unwell, I was strong enough to travel back to Australia to be with Vanessa and Gabriel before Christmas. (NERVOUS PIANO MUSIC) - It was very clear that he was an unwell boy. He had thoughts about suicide. He would look out his balcony window and he says, 'I thought of jumping.' We spoke about having that picture of Gabby in his brain. So when he had those thoughts of suicide, Gabby would come up to replace that suicide thought. - He'd ring me up some time. One time, he rang me up. He said he was walking down the road, and, um,... 'There's a Maori woman` an old Maori woman following me, and she's swinging pois.' But no one else could see her; only he can. - WOMAN CHANTS: Haere atu koe me te korowai... - I believed that. I believed him, and I believe that he does see her because she's there. That's not necessarily a bad thing. That actually could be a good sign that there's a woman who's there, supporting you, and she's walking alongside you. Some of the experiences that he had, I thought, were cultural experiences, but he wouldn't have got that same kind of level of understanding over in Sydney because they don't believe in that. - And I kind of was pushing him to get back into work, because work is good for us, and, like, I know that gives you purpose, and he would just be sitting all day, thinking the thoughts, and then ruminating over those things. So I could tell that that wasn't, um, healthy, but, probably, going back to a rugby league team wasn't healthy either. - (PANTS) (APPREHENSIVE PIANO MUSIC) I decided to return back to professional football, and I try to get to the level that I wanted to get to, but I couldn't. The medication, the... not having the appropriate time to heal and recover. Spiritually, it wasn't the right time. I remember my last training session as a professional athlete like it was yesterday. I had enough of this life. I drove home to our two-bedroom apartment, grabbed the chair, stood on the chair, and placed a noose around my neck. (FOREBODING AMBIENT MUSIC) Then I saw a picture of my kotiro, Gabrielle, and I thought to myself,... 'Is this the legacy that I'm going to leave my daughter?' I removed the noose from my neck, stood down from the chair, and went back to the hospital. (FOREBODING MUSIC CONTINUES) - Every day was a challenge. Every day was hard. During that time, for him to take medication, to go to sleep was the only peace he would get. Um... He was a frightened man, and he was frightened of the world and everything around him. - It was kind of like someone who's physically unwell, so he wasn't doing a lot of stuff. Like, he was in bed. And then when he started to get a bit better, that's when he started to go out more, not come home, um,... just... go out in the middle of the night. I wouldn't know where he was. Yeah, I just wouldn't have any idea what was going on, really. - I respected my role as a professional rugby league player, and throughout my career, I was anti-drugs. I never touched... drug substances. It wasn't my thing. Alcohol was my thing. But because I was suffering so much pain, once the alcohol weaned off, I needed to... to find other ways to escape the pain, and that's when I turned to cocaine. (SNIFFS HEAVILY) (DISEMBODIED LAUGHTER) - I found a bag ` an empty bag of what I knew was cocaine ` in the kitchen. And I confronted Paul and said, 'What's been going on?' And he said it was his friend. And I said, 'I don't want him in our house. Like, I` 'You cannot be doing` Your friends can't be doing that. It's so disrespectful, 'and what if Gabrielle had found it, and what if it had had some stuff in it?' And the next time was at my sister's ex-husband's 40th birthday, which was on a boat, and Paul had a seizure. - I do remember, at this party, racking up in the toilets on my own. I took too much drugs. I had an overdose and had a seizure in front of family members and friends. - He was drinking all night and not taking medication and putting himself at risk of getting sick again, and that, for me, was just, like, the most... I couldn't deal with that. Like, why... If he's not going to look after himself, why should I be expected to go through the ups and the downs? And so we split, and then the next day, he moved out. - During our time ` four years of marriage ` she put up with a lot of my shit. I was a very unwell man, made poor choices and decisions, and she stuck by me through thick and thin. So, I will always have the utmost love and respect for Vanessa. Once we decided to go our separate ways, I had to find ways to heal myself in my own unique way, and I to do it my way. I had decided to be the captain of my own ship. * By 2014, I had lost my family, my wife, my sporting career, and I almost lost my life. Things had to change. (HOPEFUL PIANO MUSIC) The next step for me was to get myself off the medication. I kept it to myself. I didn't tell my family members. I told nobody. I stopped taking the medication, but what I did do is I focused on solutions. - He was really assertive and clear on what he wanted to do and how he wanted to do it. So, he spoke about the recipe ` right type of food, water, exercise, regular sleep patterns, because if you don't have those sleep patterns, that's what throws you into psychosis ` and to surround yourself with good people that are going to support your plan on how you're going to manage your illness. - I completed wellbeing courses, a positive psychology diploma, and many others. I focused on 'the solutions are more than the issues.' (BAG THUDS) I wanted my life back. I wanted to be able to function with confidence. (BAG THUDS) (MUSIC FADES) Throughout my daughter's life at that time, I was there physically, but I wasn't there spiritually and emotionally, and I had enough of this. I found my little one-bedroom apartment. I made a big promise to myself ` this is going to be my sanctuary for me and my daughter. I'm going to create a beautiful environment for the two of us. I learnt how to laugh and to connect with her. It was our special moment. We had a lot of fun. - Gabby was a driving force for him during those dark times to move forward in a better way. - The most important jigsaw puzzle that was missing was my connection to my Maori culture. I felt that I didn't belong in Aotearoa because I was so mentally unwell. I... I` I... I... I felt lost. (SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC) - MAN CHANTS: He wahi te awa. He wahi te whenua. Hui e, waerea i uta, waerea i tai. Tau waka e Tamarawea. Tukua kia puta... - The first step ` I started to learn Te Reo Maori, which I continue to learn every day. I joined a kapa haka crew, who were fantastic and awesome, and surrounded myself with my very own people. (BIRDSONG) - For a lot of boys that do come over to Australia and they get unwell, there's a lot of shame attached for not asking for help, and they try and fit into Australian culture, which is really different to what Kiwi culture is, and to fit in that, they lose their identity, and that's when they start getting into trouble. You don't have that connection to your culture, you're not a complete person. He had no understanding or concept of it. He believed he had to go home to touch the Earth, and then to hear the welcome and embrace the aroha it has to give. - Ka puta nga Ariki, nou te ata. Tauere e, nau mai e. - I took me and my daughter, Gabrielle, up to the family maunga ` Taupiri Maunga ` and I bowed down to my ancestors. (SOLEMN PIANO MUSIC) And I asked for forgiveness and the strength to get me through this difficult time. - Whano, whano. Haramai te toki. Haumi e, hui e, taiki e. - Because everything that I went through, they were with me. TEARFULLY: And I bowed to the mighty maunga of Taupiri, and that was a key... part of my healing. (PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES) - He found his roots. He found his whanau. He found his friends. He found them all. So we knew he was on the right track. He was coming back to us. Now` Now, he's here. (PENSIVE ELECTRONIC MUSIC) - In 2018, I decided to move home. I met a beautiful mana wahine woman, Trina Tamati, and she is my world. She has been my rock. We have a beautiful baby boy, Tamati, and I... am appreciative to have her in my life. I wanted to empower and inspire my very own people with Internal Strength, which is a self-development human potential programme that's, I believe, pretty much saved my life. So what we're going to do now, whanau; he oranga tinana, he oranga hinengaro ` healthy body, healthy mind. I deliver this self-development human potential programme to the corporate sector, professional sporting teams, and young rangatahi across Aotearoa. When you drink too much alcohol ` and don't get me wrong, I've been your age too. I used to drink with the best of them. I used to party with the best of them. Did I make wise decisions, whanau? Kao. And sometimes, excuse my language, you're going to fuck up. I get it. I'm not perfect. 'And we all got a story. We all have a journey.' But having the strength and the mana to share and help others is truly rewarding. I love and have a passion to empower and inspire the next generation. I have found my new... my new dream. Do whatever you feel comfortable, my bro. - The greatest gift is when they stand up and talk about their journey. You know, he brings it out of them. At first, some of them mightn't, but by day two, day three, they're open, and he sees the difference in them, you know? - Ka pai to everybody. (APPLAUSE) - I think we're just so proud of where he is now today, you know? And his journey. - It's just having our family back again. - Yeah, hearing his laugh. - Hearing his laugh, that was` We hadn't heard that for a long time. When we heard him laugh, we were happy. We were so happy. He hadn't laughed like that for a long time. From the time he got sick, there was less laughter, and it's a laughter you just can't help but hear, eh? - Yeah. - It's good. Yeah, it's good. - COMMENTATOR: Oh, there's a chance! I think he's got it down! That is peak Paul Whatuira! (CROWD ROARS) - Great moment from Deacon! Great try from... - The Tigers are in! - Ko Paora Whatuira toku ingoa. He hoa, he papa, he tama, he tungane tino atawhai au, a, he toa taua hinengaro au. My name is Paul Whatuira. I am a loving partner, father, son, brother, and I am a mental health warrior. Captions by Cameron Grigg. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2021