Captioning performed by The National Captioning Institute, Inc. Captioning made possible by Warner Bros, Inc. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2008. (BAND MUSIC) (ROCK MUSIC) # CITIZENS ON PATROL. TAKE IT, BROTHER. # HAVE YOU HEARD THE WORD OUT ON THE STREET? # THERE'S A NEW KIND OF HEAT THAT'S WALKIN' THE BEAT. # COS THE NEIGHBOURHOOD FOLKS WON'T TAKE NO MORE. - # THEY GOT BARS ON THE WINDOWS AND LOCKS ON THE DOORS. - # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # WE GOT CRASHERS, MASHERS, EVEN HEADBASHERS. PUNKS, DRUNKS, ALL KINDS OF FUNK. # THERE'S A MUGGER IN AN ALLEY AND A JUNKIE NAMED SALLY. - # SO YOU BETTER GO HOME. - # WE WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE. # WE'RE CITIZENS ON PATROL. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # LET ME BREAK YOU. MAN, THAT WAS FUNKY. - YEAH, I'M GONNA JAM. - GO AHEAD, BUBBA. - I'M GONNA JAM. # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. # CITIZENS ON PATROL, BABY. (IMITATES HARMONICA) - YEAH! - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - GO, BUBBA. - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - RIGHT ON! (IMITATES HARMONICA) - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - DIG IT! - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - WHOA! - HOT PANTS! - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. I SAID YEAH! HEY, HEY! (IMITATES HARMONICA) OW! HIP! WHOA! - FORE! - WELL, I GUESS THE MEETING'S STARTED. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # - HOWDY, SIR. - MAHONEY! JONES! THANK YOU, SWEETCHUCK. I'VE HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL NEWS ABOUT MY NEW PROGRAMME. - WHAT NEW PROGRAMME IS THAT, SIR? - MY CITIZENS ON PATROL, I CALL IT C.O.P. FOR SHORT. IT HAS A NICE, POLICEY RING. WHAT IS C.O.P., SIR? - OH! - OH! WHAT'S THE MOST FRUSTRATING THING ABOUT POLICE WORK? - NOT BEING ABLE TO CARRY GRENADES. - SEPARATE LOCKER ROOMS, SIR. ICKY BLUE UNIFORMS. I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT THE MOST FRUSTRATING THING WAS THAT WE COULDN'T BE EVERYWHERE AT ONCE. SO THE PUBLIC ENDS UP THINKING OF US AS ENEMIES. WOULDN'T IT BE WONDERFUL IF WE COULD ALL BE FRIENDS? (FALSETTO) "AH, OFFICER MAHONEY, PLEASE COME IN. HAVE SOME LEMONADE." I LOVE LEMONADE. NOT TOO TART, NOT TOO SWEET, JUST MMM, MMM GOOD. (GLUG, GLUG) (BURP) - SO IT'S A COMMUNITY ACTION PROGRAMME. - LIKE NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH? MORE. MUCH, MUCH MORE. WE SHOW THE COMMUNITY THAT WE CARE. WE TRAIN VOLUNTEERS IN CRIME DETECTION, IN FIRST AID, AND... AND... AND IT'S A GREAT IDEA. - WE NEED CITIZEN SUPPORT. - WITH ALL THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD CRIME, I'M SURE YOU'LL GET IT. WHAT IF WE WERE TO-- OH! WHAT WAS THAT? I BELIEVE BROTHER SWEETCHUCK IS SUGGESTING WE RECRUIT IN OUR OLD NEIGHBOURHOOD. EXCELLENT! WE HAVE THE FULL SUPPORT OF THE MAYOR, AND BEST OF ALL, THE GOVERNOR OF THE STATE WANTS ME TO UNVEIL THE PROGRAMME AT THE END OF THE INTERNATIONAL POLICE SEMINAR NEXT MONTH IN ENGLAND. WHILE I ATTEND THE SEMINAR, YOU, MY GOOD, GOOD FRIENDS, WILL PUT C.O.P. INTO ACTION. IT WILL CHANGE COMMUNITY RELATIONS ALL AROUND THE WORLD. THE LASSARD METHOD. IT ROLLS NICELY OFF THE TONGUE, DON'T YOU THINK? HI. WHAT'D I MISS? UHH! HI. # MAMA'S LITTLE BABY LOVES SHORTENIN', SHORTENIN'. # MAMA'S LITTLE BABY LOVES SHORTENIN' BREAD. # HA! CAPTAIN HARRIS, COMMISSIONER HURST IS HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE HIM? NO, SEND HIM PACKING. - YES, SIR. - PROCTOR! - YES, SIR. - SEND THE COMMISSIONER IN IMMEDIATELY. - I THOUGHT YOU SAID TO SEND HIM-- - IMMEDIATELY! YES, SIR. NINCOMPOOP. COMMISSIONER. - YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, CAPTAIN HARRIS? - YES, SIR. COMMISSIONER, I AM EXTREMELY CONCERNED WITH THIS MEMORANDUM FROM LASSARD ABOUT HIS C.O.P. PROGRAMME. CITIZENS DOING POLICE WORK? AN ASININE IDEA. IF THIS GOES THROUGH, NO POLICEMAN'S JOB, NO POLICEMAN'S PAYCHEQUE WILL BE SAFE. ARE YOU THROUGH, CAPTAIN? THE GOVERNOR OF THIS STATE THINKS THAT THIS PROGRAMME IS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT, SO UNTIL HE CHANGES HIS MIND, THAT'S WHAT YOU AND I THINK, TOO. AGREED? - YES, SIR. - GOOD. YOU SHOULD HAVE SENT HIM PACKING. I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT THE GOVERNOR OR THE MAYOR THINKS. LASSARD'S PROGRAMME IS A MISTAKE, AND ANYONE WHO THINKS OTHERWISE IS WRONG. PURE AND SIMPLE. DON'T TOUCH THOSE! DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH MY BALLS WITHOUT ASKING! (STRING QUARTET) YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE. OR I'LL CALL THE POLICE. OK, OK. I'M GOING. I'M OUT OF HERE. WAIT A MINUTE. I AM THE POLICE. - NO, YOU'RE NOT. - THAT'S ME. I'M HERE TO SPEAK ABOUT C.O.P. I'M SORRY. WITHOUT THE UNIFORM-- REGULAR HUMAN CLOTHES MAKE PEOPLE MORE COMFORTABLE. HI, LADIES! LET'S DO SOME POETRY! (TEACUPS DROP) (BEEP, BEEP) I GOTTA GO TO MY IN-LAWS FOR DINNER TONIGHT. YOU WANT TO COME? - OFFICER HIGHTOWER, I'M HERE TO JOIN THE NEW C.O.P. PROGRAMME. - DO I KNOW YOU? YEAH, YOU USED TO BOUNCE ME ON YOUR KNEE. LITTLE TOMMY CONKLIN. BUT NOW THEY CALL ME HOUSE. TOMMY CONKLIN. SURE! WELCOME ABOARD. YOU CAN REGISTER OVER THERE. # ROCK, ROCK, ROCK, ROCK, ROCK, ROCK THE HOUSE. # ROCK, ROCK, ROCK, ROCK, ROCK, ROCK THE HOUSE. # "BLIND MOUTH "THAT SCARE THEMSELVES "KNOW HOW TO HOLD A SHEEP HOOK "OR HAVE LEARNED AUGHT ELSE AT LEAST "THAT TO THE FAITHFUL HERDSMAN'S ART BELONGS." WHOA! THAT WAS EXCITING. AN OFFICER ZED IS HERE TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT A NEW POLICE PROGRAMME. THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. WHOO! I'M SORRY. I'M AN EMOTIONAL, SENSITIVE GUY, AND, UH... THAT PART ABOUT THE SHEEP HOOK JUST TORE MY HEART RIGHT OUT. I HAVE MY OWN POEM THAT I'VE PREPARED FOR YOU TODAY. "JEAN, JEAN, MADE A MACHINE. "JOJO MADE IT GO. "ART, ART MADE A FART AND BLEW THE WHOLE DAMN THING APART." I DIDN'T WRITE IT. OK, LIKE, NOW I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE NEW C.O.P. PROGRAMME. PERHAPS SOME OF YOU LADIES MIGHT BE INTERESTED. THE BARTENDER ASKED THE ORGAN GRINDER, "DOES YOUR MONKEY SING OPERA?" AND I SAID, "NOPE, "BUT IF YOU HIT ME ON THE HEAD, "I'LL SING YANKEE DOODLE." HA, HA, HA, HA! # LA, LA, LA, LA. # IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE MY FAMILY BACK TOGETHER AGAIN. OH! PASS THE LETTUCE, POP. SURE, HONEY. HERE YOU GO. THANKS, POP. DID I TELL YOU I'M JOINING CITIZENS ON PATROL? THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. I'D SURE BE PROUD TO HAVE YOU AT THE PRECINCT. DAD, I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD SIGN UP. I MEAN, LOOK, THERE ARE ALREADY THREE OF US ON THE FORCE. IT'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE FAVOURITISM. THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL. YOU DON'T THINK I'M FAST ENOUGH ANY MORE. I DON'T THINK THAT'S IT, DO YOU? IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING FAST. NOW, THAT WAS FAST. YOU KNOW, THAT WAS FAST. BUT THAT'S HARD. EXCUSE ME! I THINK BUD HURT POP'S FEELINGS. OH, YOU TWO! OW, OW, OW! HA HA! OH, WELL. WHO WANTS PIE? I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP. YOU HURT MY ARM. COULD I INTEREST YOU IN A NEW CITIZEN'S PROGRAMME? NO, I DON'T THINK SO. THANKS. WE'LL TAKE THE STAIRS. EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN A NEW CITIZEN'S PROGRAMME? YES, ACTUALLY. WE DIDN'T HEAR YOU RIGHT. WHY DON'T YOU HAND THE REST OF THEM OUT? THANK YOU. HEY, ARNIE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? HOME. LOOK, KYLE, I GOT A TERM PAPER DUE TOMORROW. I GOT TO HELP MY FATHER CLEAN THE CELLAR. AND I HAVE TO DO THE DISHES TONIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HANGING OUT AT THE MALL. LET'S GO. HEY, ARNIE, KYLE. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NO SKATEBOARDING IN MY DISTRICT. THIS ISN'T SKATEBOARDING, SERGEANT. THIS IS CARRYING SKATEBOARDS. THIS IS SKATEBOARDING! (ROCK MUSIC) # OH, TAKE A LOOK # AT THE FIRE IN MY EYES # THE DESIRE'S BURNING HIGH. # NO LIMIT. # I DON'T CARE. # THOUGH I MIGHT HAVE LOST MY MIND # AND WINNING. # I CAN'T STOP. # ONE SHOT, GOT TO STAND UP. # HOLD ON TO THIS FEELING. # GOT TO GIVE IT A CHANCE TO FLY. # SHOOT FOR THE TOP. # RUN LIKE A WINNER. # SHOOT FOR THE TOP. # REACH FOR YOUR DREAMS. # WE ALL LIVE AND DIE. # TELL US IF WE DON'T TRY. # REACH BEYOND THE NIGHT # UNTIL THE DAY. # SHOOT FOR THE TOP. # WE'RE GOING TO CHECK THIS OUT. TAKE IT EASY. I'LL SEE YOU LATER. I WANT TO CHECK OUT THESE GUYS. I'LL BE BACK. # SO MANY TIMES I'VE HAD THAT HELPLESS FEELING. # I DON'T WANT ANY KIND OF LIVING, WORK AT ALL. # SEEMS TO ME THAT I... # HEY, SARGE, LOOK AT THAT. KYLE, THAT SKATEBOARD PUNK. LET'S NAIL HIM. YOU SURE GIVE THEM A HARD TIME. YEAH. FUN, ISN'T IT? YOU DON'T LISTEN, DO YOU, KYLE? I WAS SHOPPING FOR CAPTAIN HARRIS' BIRTHDAY PRESENT. WELL, SHOP SOMEWHERE ELSE. ARGH! YOUR HONOUR! UH... HERE, JUDGE. STOP HIM! EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME. EXCUSE ME. MY FAULT. MY FAULT, MY FAULT. STOP! STOP THAT SKATEBOARDER! HOLD IT! I CAN DO THAT, THAT HANDSTAND STUFF. I JUST HATE IT WHEN THE CHANGE FALLS OUT OF MY POCKET. HEY, MAN, I THINK THESE GUYS WANNA TALK TO YOU. HOLD IT! CAPTAIN HARRIS WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS! (SLURP) (KNOCK ON DOOR) COME. SIR. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU? SKATEBOARD PUNKS STARTED A RIOT AT THE MALL. WELL, BRING THEM IN. THEY ESCAPED. THEY ESCAPED? I DID MY BEST. IT WASN'T ENOUGH, WAS IT? NO, SIR. I'LL HANDLE THESE PUNKS PERSONALLY. I WANT THREE PATROL CARS DISSECTING THE NEIGHBOURHOOD. COPELAND! MY HAT! RADIO ALERT ALL MOTORCYCLE UNITS. YOU! I WANT A CHOPPER IN THE AIR. PROCTOR, RIDE WITH ME. NOW, PROCTOR! MOVE IT, MOVE IT! UH, COMING, SIR. BE RIGHT THERE! (SIREN) THERE THEY GO! BACK IT UP, BACK IT UP. SHH! QUIET. (TYRES SCREECH) I SAID QUIET, DICKHEAD. WE'VE GOT 'EM NOW. I KNOW THEY CAME IN HERE. (TYRES SCREECH) (SIREN) UNIT SIX TO CAPTAIN HARRIS. WE'VE GOT THEM AT THE END OF THE ALLEY. HOLD THEM THERE. WE'RE COMING. COPELAND, HAVE YOU GOT THEM? GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I'M CAREY MAHONEY OF THE POLICE ACADEMY. (CHEERING) THANK YOU. PLEASE. THANK YOU. OH, YOU'RE TOO KIND. JONES! IT'S HARRIS! GO! GO! I GOT YOU, YOU LITTLE PUNKS! FREEZE, YOU LITTLE HOODLUMS! GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY ASS, PROCTOR! GET AWAY! GET AWAY, PROCTOR! (RIP) (RIP) PROCTOR! NO! NO! DON'T SHAKE THE FENCE! OH, OH! OH, OH! (RRRIP) NOOOO! - After doing some research on other pregnant people having the vaccine and talking to my obstetrician, THIS PROGRAMME WILL HELP DEVELOP A BETTER WORKING RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN US, THE POLICE... OK, BOYS AND GIRLS, WE'RE ALL GOING TO CROSS THE STREET. AND YOU, THE COMMUNITY. (WHISTLE BLOWS) STOP! STOP! STOP RIGHT THERE! STOP! THIS IS A FIRST. YOU SEE, THE POLICE ACADEMY HAS OFFERED TO TRAIN YOU CITIZENS TO BETTER PROTECT YOURSELVES. - YOU'LL BE TREND SETTERS. - DO WE GET TO PACK HEAT? - AH, HEAT... - WHOA! - WHOA! STOP THOSE LITTLE PUNKS! STOP THEM! ARGH! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! - ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? - WHO'S LAUGHING NOW, YOU LITTLE TWITS? AND YOUR CLOTHES MAKE ME WANT TO PUKE. CAPTAIN HARRIS! WELL, WELL. MAHONEY. IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, SIR. WELL, MOTOR-MOUTH JONES. VROOM! VROOM! YOU'VE GOT A GREAT TAILOR. I MENTIONED THAT JUST LAST WEEK. HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU, MAHONEY, THAT YOU'RE STILL A PISSANT? NO ONE IMPORTANT. WHAT DID ARNIE AND KYLE DO? YOU KNOW THOSE CLOWNS? I SHOULD HAVE FIGURED. YOUR PALS WRECKED A POLICE CAR, DESTROYED A SHOPPING MALL, HARASSED CITIZENS, RESISTED ARREST. GO EASY. THEY'RE JUST WACKY KIDS. WE'LL SEE HOW THEY LIKE IT IN JAIL. IN ALL MY YEARS ON THE BENCH, I HAVE SEEN ALL SORTS OF PUBLIC DISORDER. YOUNG PEOPLE MUST LEARN TO CONFORM TO THE STANDARDS OF CIVILISED SOCIETY. IN REVIEWING THE TESTIMONY AND TAKING INTO ACCOUNT YOUR DISREGARD FOR PUBLIC AND PRIVATE PROPERTY, I CAN REACH ONLY ONE DECISION. GUILTY AS HELL. YOU! YOU FLUSHED ME DOWN THE TOILET! BEFORE YOU PASS SENTENCE-- SOME HAIRY GUY IN JAIL IS GOING TO-- MAY I APPROACH THE BENCH? YES, SERGEANT. DO WE WANT TO EXPOSE THESE BOYS TO PRISON? YES. MAY I RUN MY OWN COURT, CAPTAIN? YOU'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA? YES, SIR. ASSIGN THEM TO COMMANDANT LASSARD'S NEW COMMUNITY RELATIONS PROGRAMME AS ALTERNATE SENTENCING. THAT'S RIDICULOUS! I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT. I, UH... EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. I LIKE THE SOUND OF THIS COMMUNITY RELATIONS GIG. MILT BUTTERWORTH, DEFENDER OF THE COMMON MAN. YOUR HONOUR! LOOK AT THIS LIST OF COMPLAINTS. AND I QUOTE YOU DIRECTLY-- (PFFT) (COUGHING) I THOUGHT YOU ONLY GOT CONTEMPT OF COURT FOR OPENING YOUR MOUTH. MAHONEY! I'M WARNING YOU, KEEP LASSARD'S C.O.P.S OUT OF MY PRECINCT. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M DOING. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING. JUST KEEP THEM OUT, ESPECIALLY THESE TWO. EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT ARE YOU PLANNING TO ATTACK US WITH MORE BODILY FUNCTIONS? YOU JUST MAKE SURE WE NEVER MEET AGAIN. EVER. WITH THOSE TWO IDIOTS IN LASSARD'S PROGRAMME, IT'LL NEVER WORK. (HARMONICA PLAYING SWANEE RIVER) EXCUSE ME, SIR. DO YOU KNOW A MRS FELDMAN? YES. (PLAYING ALOUETTE) EXCUSE ME. DO YOU KNOW A MRS LOIS--? WHERE CAN WE FIND LOIS FELDMAN? THERE. THANK YOU. MRS FELDMAN? WHO'S ASKING? POLICE. IS IT ABOUT THOSE DAMN LIBRARY BOOKS? WE'RE FOLLOWING UP ON YOUR INTEREST IN THE CITIZENS ON PATROL PROGRAMME. OH, THEN I'M MRS FELDMAN. COME ON IN. CALLAHAN, COVER YOUR REAR. (THE MARINES' HYMN PLAYING ON STEREO) I ADMIRE YOUR TASTE. YES, WELL, I DO ALL MY OWN DECORATING. YOU HAVE A TALENT FOR IT, MA'AM. I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT. PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO DISCUSS IT FIRST? NO. I DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE AND LISTEN TO ARTERIES HARDENING. NOW, WHERE DID I PUT THAT BULLETPROOF VEST? ALL RIGHT, FALL IN! COME ON, LINE UP! I NEED A LINE-UP HERE! HELLO, MA'AM. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN-- (WHISTLE) THANK YOU, MISS, UH... MRS FELDMAN. I WANT TO WELCOME YOU TO THE ACADEMY. YOU ARE PART OF A NEW AND EXCITING PROGRAMME THAT I CALL, I CALL... C.O.P. CITIZENS ON PATROL. CITIZIZZ ON PATROL. CITIZENS ON PATROL! CITIZENS ON PATROL. YOU WILL WORK AND TRAIN WITH THE POLICE. THE POLICE WILL WORK AND TRAIN WITH YOU. WORKING AND TRAINING, TRAINING AND WORKING. EXCUSE ME, COMMANDANT. DO YOU EXPECT THE COMMUNITY TO DO THE POLICE'S JOB? THERE ARE MANY, MANY JOBS FOR MANY, MANY PEOPLE. SIR, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS. EXCUSE ME. THE COMMANDANT MEANS THAT THIS PROGRAMME WILL PROMOTE UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN THE COMMUNITY AND THE POLICE AND MAKE THE COMMUNITY MORE ACTIVE IN CRIME PREVENTION. ACTIVE IN CRIME PREVENTION? BUT WON'T THAT BE DANGEROUS? NO, NO! WE JUST WANT TO TEACH CITIZENS TO PREVENT CRIMES FROM TAKING PLACE. IT SOUNDS FINE IN THEORY. LET'S HOPE IT WORKS IN PRACTICE. I LIKE HIM. HE'S A REALLY NICE FISH. HE LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE YOU. YEAH, A LITTLE. I WILL ATTEND AN INTERNATIONAL POLICE SEMINAR IN LONDON. IT WOULD BE THE CROWNING ACHIEVEMENT OF MY CAREER IF I COULD CLOSE THIS SEMINAR BY BRINGING INSTRUCTORS FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD HERE TO WATCH THE C.O.P. PROGRAMEME IN ACTION. I'M COUNTING ON ALL OF YOU TO MAKE THAT POSSIBLE. IN COMMANDANT LASSARD'S ABSENCE, I'VE APPOINTED A VERY ABLE-BODIED AND EXPERIENCED OFFICER TO RUN THE ACADEMY. AH! PERFECT TIMING. HERE HE IS NOW. (BRAKES SQUEAL) A-TEN HUT! HA, HA, HA! TWO WEEKS OF HARRIS... DAMN! DAMN. DEODORANT! THANKS. OH! AH AH. OH! AH, AH, AH. STRAIGHTEN THIS MESS UP. WHAT MESS? NOW! I WANT YOU DIRT BAGS AND THAT GROUP OF C.O.P. PEOPLE IN FRONT OF THIS DORMITORY AT 1400 HOURS. MOVE IT! SIR. WE WERE JUST COMMENTING ON HOW YOU'D MELLOWED. CAPTAIN? WHAT IS IT, MAHONEY? I HOPE YOU'LL GIVE THIS PROGRAMME A CHANCE. THIS PROGRAMME IS JUST LIKE YOU -- A BAD IDEA. THAT'S YOUR OPINION, SIR, BUT THIS IS COMMANDANT LASSARD'S IDEA AND HIS ACADEMY. OH, WELL... THINGS CAN CHANGE, MAHONEY. OH, YES. THINGS CAN CHANGE. I'LL SEE YOU OUT FRONT. AAH! OOH! OH! I BET THAT WAS REFRESHING, SIR. OVER THE NEXT TWO WEEKS, YOU'LL GO THROUGH A MODIFIED TRAINING PROGRAMME. YOU'LL LEARN MANY, MANY KEYS TO CRIME PREVENTION, KEYS YOU CAN TEACH MANY, MANY OTHERS IN YOUR COMMUNITY. MODIFIED? MODIFIED, NOTHING. I WANT THE WORKS. YEAH. MADAM, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR A DOSE OF REALITY. YOU CAN FORGET LASSARD'S HYPE. YOU PEOPLE DO NOT BELONG HERE,... ESPECIALLY YOU... AND YOU. COMMUNITY ACTION GROUPS MEAN ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY. (POP) I HOPE THAT WASN'T GUM. YOU HEARD THE CAPTAIN. IS IT? IT'S DEFINITELY GUM, SIR. BUBBLE GUM! CHERRY, I THINK. THANK YOU, PROCTOR! YOU'RE WELCOME, SIR. THESE GROUPS ONLY MEAN CITIZENS GETTING IN THE WAY OF THE POLICE. NOW, I DON'T GET INVOLVED IN YOUR BUSINESS, AND I DON'T WANT YOU INVOLVED IN MY... - (GRRR) - NOW, IF YOU WERE SMART... - SHOO! - YOU WOULD GO HOME AND FORGET THIS STUPID IDEA. - WAH! ARGH! - ARE THOSE WEDDING BELLS I HEAR, SIR? (GRRR) UNGH! WHOSE DAMN MUTT IS THIS? IT'S MY DAMN MUTT. I WANT HIM OUT OF HERE! - BUT SIR... - OUT! - OUT! - I AM NOT GETTING RID OF CLARENCE. - HE'S MY PET. - WHY SHOULD YOU? AFTER ALL, HARRIS HAS PROCTOR. I'LL TAKE HIM. I HAVE A BIG HOUSE, NICE YARD. SEE, HE LIKES ME. WE'LL GET ALONG FINE. ME TOO? I'M HOUSEBROKEN. - JESSB: Eh, yo, it's two shots for summer, fam. - Yup. - RAPS: # Two shots to live it free. # Two for long days and warm nights. # Yeah, (ECHOES) two shots is the key. # Two shots to gather whanau. - Yessir. # Two shots to share a feed. # Two shots to have a singalong. # Even two to do the deed. - Ha ha! # Two shots for the beach hangs. # Two shots for the mish. - ECHOES: Two shots. # Two to manu off the wharf. # Two shots for skinny dips. - Sheesh! # Two shots to hit the festivals. # Two to get up front. # Two to bust shapes with the crew. # Two to straight-up stunt. # Two shots for the house parties. # Two to lap the main. # Two shots to hoop down at the park. # Two shots to win the game. # Yeah. STEP UP TO THE WHITE LINE! LINE UP IN A SLOT, THEN LISTEN TO MR JONES! THANK YOU, SERGEANT TACKLEBERRY. THIS IS A STANDARD POLICE ISSUE .38. EXAMINE THIS WEAPON CAREFULLY. YOU MUST BE SURE THIS WEAPON IS NOT LOADED. YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LOADING AND UNLOADING OF THIS WEAPON YOURSELF. NOW, SERGEANT TACKLEBERRY. YOU WANT TO BECOME ONE WITH THE GUN. FEEL THE GUN, CARESS THE GUN... UNTIL IT'S A LIVING, BREATHING, VIBRATING EXTENSION OF YOURSELF. - I LOOK FOR THE SAME IN A WOMAN. - HEY, THIS SUCKER'S NOT LOADED. YOU WON'T BE USING LIVE AMMO. TACK, HOW ABOUT LETTING ME SQUEEZE OFF A FEW ROUNDS OF THAT BABY? - TACK? - TACK? - AFFIRMATIVE, MRS F. NOW, BE CAREFUL, BECAUSE A .44 MAGNUM HAS QUITE A-- - ARGH! WHOO! - KICK. DAMN, THAT WAS FUN! RESCUING THE DROWNING VICTIM. NOW, WHEN APPROACHING A POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS VICTIM, USE THIS STROKE ONLY. ARMS OUT OF THE WAY FOR PROTECTION. YOU SLIP YOUR ARM ACROSS HIS CHEST UNDER HIS OPPOSITE ARM. REST HIS HEAD AND NECK AGAINST YOUR SHOULDER. KICK WITH YOUR FEET. YOUR VICTIM COULD BE STRUGGLING. STRUGGLE, HOUSE. GOOD, HOUSE. GOOD. GOOD, HOUSE. HOUSE! REALLY SWIFT! I'LL GET HIM! ARNIE! GET OUT OF THE POOL! YOU JUST ATE! ARGH AAH! GET HIM OUT OF HERE! THANKS, PAL. NOW WE HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO START OUR WATER-SAFETY LESSON. I WILL PLAY THE DROWNING VICTIM. ARNIE? NOW, WHO'S GOING TO SAVE ME? - YEAH! - YEAH! - YEAH! (ROMANTIC MUSIC) THAT WAS MIGHTY BRAVE, WHAT YOU DID. I ADMIRE THAT. THAT WAS NOTHING! YOU DON'T HAVE, LIKE, A HAIR DRIER OR PERHAPS SOME MOUSSE? NO. YOUR HAIR LOOKS NICE. IT'S VERY STYLISH. MOI? STYLISH? I THINK I BETTER BE GOING! OK. MICKEY! HE'S DEAD! HE KILLED HIM! I'M SURE THE ACADEMY WILL PAY FOR IT. WHAT ABOUT THE SENTIMENTAL VALUE? THIS IS A FAMILY HEIRLOOM. IT'S THE LAST THING I STOLE BEFORE JOINING THE ACADEMY. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? CADETS IN HEAT? WE WERE JUST, LIKE, TALKING. OH, WELL, "JUST, LIKE, TALK" SOMEWHERE ELSE. THIS ISN'T A SPAWNING POOL. I WANT DISCIPLINE. DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR, ZED? DISCIPLINE! JERK. WHAT? HE SAID BYE. NO. I SAID-- I SAID, "JERK." I THINK IT WAS PRETTY CLEAR. I SAID, "JERK." # WAKE, SAID THE DAISY. # SWEET BUTTERCUP. # TIME TO GET UP. # TIME TO GET UP. # WAKE, SAID THE DAISY. # SWEET BUTTERCUP. # TIME TO GET UP. # TIME TO GET UP. # AAH! I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS SOMETHING VITAL FOR YOU TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE OUT ON THE JOB AS A POLICE OFFICER. AND THAT'S THE CORRECT WAY TO EAT A DOUGHNUT. A DOUGHNUT-- A-TEN HUT! CAPTAIN HARRIS. FROM THIS MOMENT ON, ANYONE WHO MISPLACES THEIR MACE CANISTER WILL BE REPRIMANDED AND FINED! IS THAT CLEAR? YES, SIR! BYE. AS CITIZENS ON PATROL, ENDURANCE AND LONGEVITY SHOULD BE VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU. AEROBIC ACTIVITY WILL KEEP YOU IN SHAPE AND KEEP THAT HEART RATE UP. MUSIC, HOWEVER, MAKES IT A LITTLE LESS PAINFUL. HOOKS, CASSETTE! I HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT SERGEANT HOOKS... UH-OH. NO CASSETTE. LET'S GO! (IMITATES CASSETTE RECORDER REWINDING) (IMITATES SYNTHESISER BEAT) NICE SELECTION, HOOKS. ALL RIGHT. SLOW WALK. SLOW WALK, SLOW START. KEEP YOUR ARMS MOVING. THAT'S GOOD. INTO A NICE SLOW JOG. OK! ARMS MOVING. KEEP BREATHING. DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE. TUCK HIS TUMMY, HOOKS. THAT-A GIRL. LET'S GO. GOOD, GOOD! TUCK HIS TUMMY, HOOKS. THAT'S A GIRL. AAH! OH! (BUZZER) NOW, THIS WHISTLE CAN BE VERY VALUABLE WHEN WALKING THROUGH A BAD NEIGHBOURHOOD. IF YOUR PURSE GETS SNATCHED, BLOW THIS WHISTLE TO ALERT YOUR NEIGHBOURS AND THE POLICE FOR HELP. NOW, MRS FELDMAN, WOULD YOU PLAY THE VICTIM? YES. AND I'LL BE MR PURSE SNATCHER. OK. NOW, GO. AAH! OOF! OOH! (TWEET, TWEET) (TWEET, TWEET) UH,... ANY QUESTIONS? EUGH! OUGH! EUGH! HOUGH YAH! - YAH! - EUGH! - YAH! - EUGH! - HOUGH! - YAH! (IMITATES DUBBED KUNG FU MOVIE) NOW,... PRACTICE. - (TWEET) - EUH, EUGH, ARRH, ARGH, OUGH, UGH! - ARGH, ARGH! - (TWEET) - YAY! YOU HAD HIM FOR A MINUTE. HE WAS SCARED, HE WAS FLINCHING, HIS FACE WENT... ARGH! ARGH! ARGH, ARGH, ARGH! WHOA, WHOA! WHOA! OH! (BUZZ!) SORRY! - What if we gave you free power... to use however you like whenever you like, just for being a customer? - She's in pretty good nick ` only done 110,000 K's; WOF and rego, you know, full service history. Try and get in. - What is this? - This is a one-star safety-rated car. (GRUNTS) - I don't understand. What's going on? - People don't often think about how a car will crash ` you know, how it will protect you. That's what a star safety rating tells you. Just can't imagine. Like, if` if we crashed in a car like this, there's no way we would survive. CITIZENS ON PATROL, WHAT A JOKE! YOU KNOW WHAT C.O.P. REALLY STANDS FOR, PROCTOR? - NO, SIR. WHAT? - COLLECTION OF PISSANTS. - (LAUGHS) - THAT'S NOT FUNNY. - NO, SIR. THIS CITIZEN ACTION CRAP IS A DISASTER, A BAD IDEA. I'M GOING TO PROVE IT. EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE. - EVERYONE-- I MEAN, NOT EVERYONE. - A-TEN HUT! EXCUSE ME. MOVE IT! EVERYBODY, COME OVER HERE! EVERYBODY, OVER HERE-- HOOKS, STOP EMBARRASSING THE POLICE DEPARTMENT AND JOIN YOUR CIVILIAN BUDDIES. MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION? HOOKS, THE TANK! OW! I'M SO SORRY! YOU DIMWIT! URUGH, NMMH! TODAY, HOOKS, TODAY. NOW, TAKE YOUR LITTLE MUNCHKIN VOICE AND GO AWAY. SHOO, SHOO, SHOO, SHOO, SHOO, SHOO! LISTEN UP! THIS IS THE PROPER PROCEDURE FOR ADMINISTERING OXYGEN. YOU PLACE THE MASK SECURELY ABOUT THE FACE OF THE PATIENT, AND THEN HAVE THEM BREATHE DEEPLY. (IN MUNCHKIN VOICE) THAT'S THE WAY IT'S DONE IN CAPTAIN HARRIS' PRECINCT. - HA, HA, HA! - HA, HA, HA! WHAT THE HELL? HOOKS! SO, YOU GENTLEMEN THINK YOU'RE ON A VACATION? YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. LET'S GO! COME ON, DUDES. CHILL OUT. YOU "DUDES" ARE SETTING A BAD EXAMPLE. CAN'T HEAR YOU, BRO'. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M GETTING MY BEAUTY SLEEP? OH. I'M SORRY. MOVE IT! YOU SURE TOLD THEM. DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT, LIKE, MAYBE GETTING SOME CONTACT LENSES OR SOMETHING, LIKE, YOU KNOW? YOU'D LOOK GOOD IN THEM. (SIREN) PROCTOR, THIS IS AN ALLEY. THESE ARE THE DIRECTIONS MAHONEY GAVE ME. HE SAYS THIS RESTAURANT HAS THE BEST SALAD BAR IN TOWN. IT DAMN SURE BETTER HAVE! # I LIKE MY BODY. # I LIKE MY BODY. # I LIKE MY BODY. # DON'T YOU? # TOO STUCK ON LOVIN' ME... # PROCTOR. YES, SIR? I DON'T SEE A SALAD BAR. LOOK, SIR. MAYBE THEY SERVE SEAFOOD. NOT FUNNY, YOU IDIOT! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? NICE UNIFORM. WISH I'D WORN MY SAILOR OUTFIT. I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE! MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT! (TANGO MUSIC PLAYS) PROCTOR! I DON'T THINK CUTTING IN IS ALLOWED, SIR. NICE COLLAR. (COUGHS) # BUT I HUNG IN THERE. # WON'T LET NOTHIN' KEEP ME DOWN. # I KEPT THE FAITH. # NOW MY TIME HAS COME AROUND. # AND I'M ON A WINNING STREAK. # HERE WE GO AGAIN. MAHONEY WEAVING THROUGH TRAFFIC. GETS PAST THE MAIN DEFENCE. AND... OH! UNDER THE LEG! WOW! WHAT A SHOT! THE CROWD'S GONE WILD! THE BALL IS BROUGHT IN. WE HAVE THE PLAY GOING. THROWS TO ZED. HYAH! A LITTLE UNFAIR, THERE. HIGHTOWER! MAHONEY THROWS TO HIGHTOWER. IN TO HIGHTOWER. HE... GOES UP FOR A BEAUTIFUL SCORE! YOU KILLED IT! REALLY SWIFT. AAH! THAT'S SOME COMMUNITY ACTION. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S LIEUTENANT PROCTOR, A GHETTO FAVOURITE! WELL, UH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. (IMITATES FEEDBACK) I'M HONOURED TO-- (FEEDBACK) YOU KNOW, UH... CAPTAIN HARRIS WON'T LIKE THIS... THIS GOOFING OFF. COME ON. THIS IS COMMUNITY RELATIONS. OH, NO, NO, MAHONEY. I'M AN EXPERT IN GOOFING OFF, AND THIS IS GOOFING OFF. I'LL HAVE TO TELL HIM. I HAVE AN URGE TO BREAK HIM IN HALF. WHY FIGHT IT? NO, HIGHTOWER. TAKE IT EASY. THE CREEP'S NOT WORTH IT. YOU THROUGH IN THERE? SURE, GO AHEAD. EXCUSE ME SILVIO? I NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE. RIGHT THERE. NO PROBLEM. (BANGING) HOLD YOUR HORSES! I'LL BE RIGHT OUT. OK, LIKE, LIKE, BRING IT IN. LIKE, BRING IT IN A HAIR. WATCH--WATCH OUT FOR THE PLANE! OH, THE HUMANITY! OK, THAT'S PERFECT. NO, NO, THAT'S FINE. METRO POLICE. SPECIAL ASSIGNMENT. HA, HA, HA! HA, HA, HA! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE RISE FOR OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM. READ THAT PART ABOUT ME AGAIN. WHAT PART? THE PART ABOUT THE DYNAMIC LEADER OF THE C.O.P. GET REAL! THAT'S ME. CREE-EE-EE-EAK! (IMITATING COUNT DRACULA) GOOD EVENING. I CONGRATULATE YOU ON ANOTHER GOOD DAY. SLEEP WELL. HA, HA, HA! GETTING WORRIED WE'LL TAKE OVER? WE'RE READY. YOU'RE IMPROVING, BUT YOU'RE STILL WAY DOWN IN THE FOOD CHAIN. AS WE VAMPIRES SAY, LIGHTS OUT, SUCKERS. AROOOOOO! THIS C.O.P. BIT IS A BREEZE. WE ARE READY. I CONCUR. WE'RE READY TO PURSUE MAJOR CRIMINALS. MAYBE WE SHOULD FIND SOME CRIME. MAYBE WE SHOULD BECOME... VIGILANTES. YEAH, THAT'S IT. VIGILANTES. (TAPS PLAYING) WAKE UP, MEN! WE NEED YOU! NOW! COME ON! COME ON, COME ON! WHAT'S GOING ON? WHY ARE WE HERE? YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU SAID YOU WERE READY. ONE THING I-- YOU'RE READY NOW. COULD YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC CONCERNING OUR CURRENT MISSION? WE'RE APPREHENDING TWO KNOWN FELONS. UH,... I'LL BE GOING HOME NOW. WHERE ARE THE REST? WHAT REST? WE'RE IT. WE'LL FLUSH THEM OUT. YOU CUT THEM OFF IN THE ALLEY. WHAT ABOUT GUNS, MAN? GUNS? YOU WON'T BE NEEDING THEM. WE'RE PRETTY SURE THEY'RE NOT ARMED. THEY CAN HANDLE THIS WITHOUT US. WE'LL GET IN THE WAY. GOOD THINKING. (IMITATES GUNSHOTS) - WHOA! - OH! OH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! WE GOT THEM, MEN! IT'S ALL RIGHT, MEN. COME ON OVER. ALL RIGHT, YOU THREE WILL RIDE IN THE BACK WITH BADULA. AND HIS LATE BROTHER. YOU GUYS KEEP HIM SUBDUED. LET'S GO. # YAMA, YAMA, YAMA YA-MA. # YAMA, YAMA, YAMA, YAMA YA-MA. # YAMA, YAMA, YAMA, YAMA YA-MA. HEY! DON'T LET HIS VOODOO MUMBO JUMBO SCARE YOU. # YAMA, YAMA, YAMA, YAMA YA-MA. # YAMA, YAMA, YAMA, YAMA YA-MA. FOOLS! TO THINK THEY CAN KILL THE BROTHER OF BADULA. I NEVER THOUGHT THAT. OH, THAT I COULD RIP OUT THE HEART OF A YAK. THAT WOULD BRING HIM BACK TO LIFE? NO, MAN. I'M HUNGRY! LISTEN, WE'RE GOING FOR SOME BURGERS AND FRIES. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. # YA-MA... (SLAM DOORS) # YAMA, YAMA, YAMA, YAMA YA-MA. # YAMA, YAMA, YAMA, YAMA YA-MA. # HA, HA, HA, HA! AH HA, HA, HA! (CHAIN SAW) HA, HA, HA, HA! AH HA, HA, HA! YAH! ARGH! OUT OF MY WAY! I GUESS THEY WEREN'T AS READY AS THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE. YOU CAN TAKE THE MASK OFF NOW, TACK. - PROCTOR. - YES, SIR? - WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE? THEY'RE HERE FOR THE PARTY, SIR. - WHAT PARTY? - A FEW CITIZENS ON PATROL MEMBERS INVITED A FEW OF THEIR FRIENDS, AND THEY INVITED A FEW OF THEIR FRIENDS. YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES, SIR. - A PARTY? - YES, SIR. WHY WASN'T I TOLD? - JESSB: Eh, yo, it's two shots for summer, fam. - Yup. - RAPS: # Two shots to live it free. # Two for long days and warm nights. # Yeah, (ECHOES) two shots is the key. # Two shots to gather whanau. - Yessir. # Two shots to share a feed. # Two shots to have a singalong. # Even two to do the deed. - Ha ha! # Two shots for the beach hangs. # Two shots for the mish. - ECHOES: Two shots. # Two to manu off the wharf. # Two shots for skinny dips. - Sheesh! # Two shots to hit the festivals. # Two to get up front. # Two to bust shapes with the crew. # Two to straight-up stunt. # Two shots for the house parties. # Two to lap the main. # Two shots to hoop down at the park. # Two shots to win the game. # Yeah. - MAHONEY. - HEY, CALLAHAN. - HEY, HOOKS. - ATTENTION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. CAN I PLEASE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION? I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. LET'S PARTY! - MOVE THOSE PATOOTIES. - EXCUSE ME. - ALL POLICE OFFICERS, OUT OF THE POOL! - LET'S GO! OUT! EVERYBODY OUT! WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET EVERYONE ENJOY THEMSELVES? WHY DON'T YOU KISS MY ROSY RED ASS, MAHONEY? - ROSY? - GET OUT OF THAT POOL NOW! JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF. YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO THE UNIFORM. GO GET CHANGED. MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR? THIS. WHY, CAPTAIN HARRIS. - MISS MADISON. HOW ARE YOU? - HAVE YOU SEEN CLARENCE? - (BARKING) DON'T YOU LET THAT FLEABAG NEAR ME. CLARENCE IS CRAZY ABOUT YOU, CAPTAIN HARRIS. LET ME JUST CALL HIM OVER. - NO. - FOR A SECOND? OK. BYE. WIPE THOSE GRINS OFF YOUR FACES, BUTTBREATHS! DISMISSED! MMM! MMM! DR BERMAN, PLEASE PICK UP LINE 2. - DR BERMAN, LINE 2, PLEASE. - YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN HERE, SERGEANT. WE'LL DO ALL WE CAN. PLEASE, BE GENTLE. MMM! MMM! - ZED. - ARGH! I HEARD WHAT HARRIS SAID, AND HE'S WRONG. IT HAPPENS TO ME ALL THE TIME. - PEOPLE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME. - WELL, MAYBE IF YOU TALKED SLOWER AND SOFTER. THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT. PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHO I REALLY AM. NOW I GOTTA WORRY ABOUT MY DICTION, TOO? HOW'S MY SENTENCE STRUCTURE? PERFECT. I THINK YOU'RE JUST ABOUT PERFECT. ARGH! (UPBEAT MUSIC) # IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY, # JUST COUNTIN' THE HOURS. # COS WHEN YOUR BED IS MADE, # THEN, BABY, IT'S TOO LATE. # YEAH. # THERE'S NO HOPE FOR THE HUNGRY CHILD # WHOSE JOKER IS WILD. # THEY TAKE ALL HOPE AWAY # BY THE END OF THE DAY. # WELL, I JUST ABOUT HAD ENOUGH OF THE SUNSHINE. # HEY, WHAT DID I HEAR YOU SAY? # COS, YOU KNOW IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY... # I THINK I'M GOING TO PUKE. OHH! HI, SIR. HOW ARE YOU FEELING? HUMPFA WAY FOR AHDEN SHOO UH GRR OFF. I DIDN'T CATCH THAT. WAS THAT, "THE DIM SHOE TO SNARE OFF"? I SAID I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE DAMN GLUE TO WEAR OFF. SO I ASKED HER, "DO YOU ALWAYS WORK UNDER PODIUMS?" COMMANDANT. CHIEF HURST, THIS IS A SPLENDID, SPLENDID SURPRISE. YOU REMEMBER NOGATA? HE'S PART OF OUR JAPANESE CONTINGENT. THIS IS CHIEF HURST. WE HAVE HEARD MANY, MANY WONDERFUL THING ABOUT YOU AND YOUR CITY. I'VE BEEN HELPING THEM WITH THEIR ENGLISH. - PLEASE, SIT. PLEASE. - THANK YOU. I HOPE YOU'LL FIND THE TIME TO SEE OUR BEAUTIFUL CITY FIRSTHAND. I'VE FLOWN HERE TO EXTEND THE MAYOR'S INVITATION TO SEE MY... TO SEE COMMANDANT LASSARD'S COMMUNITY PROGRAMME IN ACTION. WE ARE CONVINCED THIS PROGRAMME WILL SERVE AS A MODEL FOR CITIES AROUND THE WORLD. THEY WOULD BE HONOURED TO ACCEPT YOUR INVITATION. - WONDERFUL. - PLEASE, COME. - AUF WIEDERSEHEN. - ARRIVEDERCI. BONSOIR. I SEE YOU'VE BEEN TEACHING THEM SOMETHING OTHER THAN ENGLISH. I DO WHAT I CAN. SO MY PROGRAMME IS WORKING? HELL, YES. STARTING TOMORROW, C.O.P.S WILL BE WORKING THE STREETS. C.O.P. EMERGENCY. FELDMAN HERE. MEET ME AT THE CORNER OF CLARK AND MAIN. 10-4, MRS F. $40, WE'RE AGREED? OK. $40. SNAP OFF A FEW SHOTS... FOR EVIDENCE. GET CLOSER. GET CLOSER! I SAW THIS ON HILL STREET BLUES. IT'S A FENCING OPERATION. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THESE. WE JUST UNLOADED A VAN FULL OF THEM. NEXT CASE. NICE CAMERA. DON'T LET THAT CROOK GIVE YOU LESS THAN $80. - (WHISTLE) - FREEZE, YOU SCUZBUCKETS! THIS IS A CITIZEN'S ARREST. GET 'EM, BOYS. YOU'RE NOT MOVING TILL THE COPS GET HERE. I AM THE COPS, LADY. THREE MONTHS' WORK OUT THE WINDOW, DOWN THE DRAIN. YOUR CITIZENS ON PATROL SCREWED UP THE SINGLE BIGGEST UNDERCOVER STING OPERATION IN THE HISTORY OF THIS CITY! TELL THEM THE GOOD NEWS, SIR. - THANK YOU, PROCTOR. - YOU'RE WELCOME, SIR. AS OF NOW, THE C.O.P. PROGRAMME IS SUSPENDED, PENDING A FULL INVESTIGATION. 'TEN HUT! MAHONEY, I'M SO PROUD OF THE JOB YOU'VE DONE. NICE WORK, MEN. THE EYES OF THE WORLD ARE ON THIS PROGRAMME. EXCUSE ME, SIR. I THINK WE SHOULD TALK. THIS PRECINCT MUST DEAL WITH EVERY TYPE OF CRIMINAL FROM PICKPOCKETS TO ARMED ROBBERS. CAPTAIN HARRIS! EXCUSE ME. DON'T FORGET THE GANG OF NINJAS. ZAA! ZAA! ZING! THEY'RE MY PERSONAL FAVOURITES. WHY DON'T YOU GO PAY THEM A VISIT? THIS PRECINCT IS RUN ON DISCIPLINE AND ORGANISATION. SIMON SAYS, "PULL YOUR LEFT EAR." SIMON SAYS, "HOP ON YOUR LEFT FOOT." COME ON, GUYS. SIMON SAYS, "HOP ON YOUR RIGHT FOOT." IT'S A LITTLE TOO NOISY IN HERE, GENTLEMEN. WE HAVE IMPORTANT POLICE OFFICIALS VISITING. I THINK YOU'D BETTER SHOW THE PROPER RESPECT. COME ON, LIEUTENANT. WE'RE ALMOST FINISHED. JOIN US IN A FRIENDLY GAME. THERE'S NOTHING TO IT. SIMON SAYS, "TOUCH YOUR TOES." COME ON, LIEUTENANT. SIMON SAYS, "CLAP YOUR HANDS." COME ON, GET IN THE SPIRIT. SIMON SAYS, "TWO STEPS RIGHT." SIMON SAYS, "FIVE STEPS BACK." - PUT YOUR HANDS UP. - SIMON DIDN'T SAY! NO, BUT SMITH AND WESSON DOES. THE HIGH-SECURITY CELL AREA IS USED TO HOLD CRIMINALS AWAITING TRIAL OR TRANSFER TO OTHER FACILITIES. ANY CONVICTIONS INVOLVING FELONS -- PERVERTS, THIEVES, PEOPLE OF THAT NATURE -- ARE HELD IN THIS AREA. YOU WILL NOTICE THE STEEL CONSTRUCTION. WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING IN THERE? I THINK THAT EXPLAINS IT, SIR. COME ON. HURRY UP. COME ON. HURRY IT UP. # IT'S GETTING TO THE POINT NOW WHEN I'M WITH YOU I NO LONGER WANT # TO HAVE SOMETHING STUCK IN MY EYE. YOUR MOTHER! MY MOTHER. # SHE NEVER LOOKED LIKE FLORENCE HENDERSON. # - I WROTE THAT FOR YOU. - (QUACKING) I HOPE NOW THAT C.O.P.S IS OVER, IT WON'T MEAN WE WON'T BE SEEING EACH OTHER. - (QUACKING) - SHUT UP! NOT YOU. I MEANT THE DUCKS. ATTENTION. THIS IS MRS F. - THERE'S BEEN A JAILBREAK. - ZED, 10-4. TACK, PICK ME UP AT MAIN AND MAPLE. MOVE IT! OVER AND OUT. COMMANDANT! COMMANDANT! COMMANDANT! - THERE'S BEEN A JAILBREAK, SIR. - GET IN. IT IS SO WONDERFUL TO SEE YOU AGAIN. - IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE SEEN. - JUST LIKE OLD TIMES. IN AMERICA, TALK IS CHEAP. ARGH! - THERE'S BEEN A JAILBREAK! - OH. LOOK, THERE'S A STOLEN POLICE CAR. THAT'S GOTTA BE IT. I THINK WE GOT A ROBBERY IN PROGRESS. STAY HERE, MRS FELDMAN. - FREEZE! - GOOD IDEA. I WANT EVERYBODY TO GET BACK IN THAT VAULT. WAHOO! BOOK 'EM, TACK. (CHUCKLES) - She's in pretty good nick ` only done 110,000 K's; WOF and rego, you know, full service history. Try and get in. - What is this? - This is a one-star safety-rated car. (GRUNTS) - I don't understand. What's going on? - People don't often think about how a car will crash ` you know, how it will protect you. That's what a star safety rating tells you. Just can't imagine. Like, if` if we crashed in a car like this, there's no way we would survive. - THERE'S THE NINJA NOW. - I SEE HIM. LET'S GET HIM. LET'S GO. DO YOU SEE HIM? YAH! OH SHIT. ALL RIGHT. IF IT'S A FIGHT YOU WANT, A FIGHT YOU'LL GET. OH! CRACK! GLUG, GLUG, GLUG. GRRR! ARGH! DAMN YOU. YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT. HA! YEAH! YO! # NOBODY KNOWS THE TROUBLE I'VE SEEN. # NOBODY KNOWS MY SORROW. # - SHUT UP! - YOU TWO MORONS, KNOCK IT OFF! WE'VE GOT AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT GOING ON HERE! (IMITATES TRUMPET) - I KNEW YOU'D COME. - JA, DANKE. - YOU MAY THANK MRS FELDMAN. - WHO IS MRS FELDMAN? YOU KNOW MRS FELDMAN, A MEMBER OF THE DEFUNCT C.O.P. TEAM. DANKE, DANKE. THIS IS SERGEANT MAHONEY IN PURSUIT OF A STOLEN POLICE CAR. I'M HEADED TOWARDS THE WILLIAMS COUNTY AIR SHOW. REPEAT, THE WILLIAMS COUNTY AIR SHOW. (OVER PA) NOW, FOLKS, MAKING HIS SECOND APPEARANCE AT THE WILLIAMS COUNTY AIR SHOW... HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! WHOA! LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR! - WHAT CAR? - THAT CAR! COME ON, GET OUT! COME ON! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE! HURRY UP! - (SIREN WAILS) - ARGH! ARGH! I'M NOT GOING UP IN ONE OF THOSE THINGS. - NO WAY. NO, SIRREE. - YOU DON'T HAVE TO. HEY! YOU CAN OPEN YOUR EYES. HOW CAN YOU LIKE THIS BETTER THAN MY DRIVING? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T DO THIS IN A CAR. WHOA! - GRAB THAT BALLOON! - WE COMMANDEER THIS BALLOON IN THE NAME OF THE LAW! - NO, WAIT. YOU CAN'T! - YOU CAN'T DO THAT. WE NEED IT FOR THE RACE. MRS FELDMAN, STAY WITH THE CAR. ZED, SWEETCHUCK, FOLLOW ME. HEY! GUYS, WAIT UP! TACKLEBERRY! MR ZED! - LET'S GO! - WHAT DO I PULL? - TAKE IT UP! LET'S GO! - WE ARE GOING UP, SIR. COME ON! COME ON! DROP THE PARACHUTE! STOP SCREWING AROUND. COME ON! DROP THE PARACHUTE! - COME ON! - IF HE DOESN'T WANNA DO IT, DON'T FORCE HIM. HE'S GOTTA WANT TO HELP HIMSELF. YOU LAND THAT BALLOON RIGHT NOW! THIS IS CAPTAIN HARRIS! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST! LAND THAT BALLOON NOW! I'LL BLAST THEM OUT OF THE SKY, SIR. - NO! NOT YET! - YOU'RE RIGHT. I SHOULD GIVE THEM A WARNING SHOT FIRST. (HISSING) IMBECILE! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? AT LEAST WE'RE COMING DOWN IN THE RIVER. IT WON'T MATTER BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE DEAD! - PRETTY VIEW-- - ARGH! OH, I HATE WATER! HELP! HELP! I'M FREEZING! - THEY'RE IN THE RIVER. - HURRY. MAYBE WE CAN CATCH THEM. HELP! I'LL PULL ALONGSIDE TACKLEBERRY. LOOK! I SEE MY HOUSE! AH! LOOK, THE CROOKS! - OH! - LET'S GO GET THEM, OK? WHOA! HANG ON, SIR! HANG ON TO THE BASKET! HURRY, BEFORE THEY GO OVER THE FALLS! - THERE THEY GO! - OVER HERE! HELP! - GET A ROPE! - HEY! HANG ON, SIR! HANG ON! WE'LL GET YOU! GRAB IT! TRY TO RELAX! (GASPS) THERE'S THE BALLOON! NOW I'VE GOT HIM! THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO DO THIS, AND IT'S UP TO ME! TAKE OVER! HE WAS TALKING TO YOU! IF YOU'RE COMING BACK, BRING SOME BEER! - HMMPH! - HE WAS TALKING TO YOU. NO, I HEARD HIM. HE SAID, "SWEETCHUCK, TAKE OVER." HE DID NOT. HE DID NOT. - ARGH! - GET OFF OF MY FOOT! SHUT UP! YOU'RE ALWAYS WHINING. - LEAVE ME ALONE! - ARGH! GENTLEMEN, MAY I SEE YOUR LICENCE AND REGISTRATION, PLEASE? CLAIRE, THERE THEY ARE. TAKE IT DOWN. I WANNA GET CLOSE. MAHONEY. MAHONEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GET IN CLOSER. HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU, COPPER. GET OFF MY WING! WHAT WILL YOU DO ABOUT THEM? ARGH! HEY, PAL, IT'S OVER. LET'S GO HOME. - I HATE YOU. - I'M NOT THRILLED ABOUT YOU. - WHY DON'T YOU LOSE SOME WEIGHT? - WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT AND WALK? ARGH! - I'M GONNA BE SICK. - I DON'T HAVE A PARACHUTE. - SHUT UP. I'M GOING TO BE SICK. - DON'T BE SICK ON ME. ARGH! - I DON'T HAVE A CHUTE! - BREAK YOUR FALL! HIT THE KIDS! - NO, I NEED A CHUTE! - ARGH! GET YOUR OWN! - COME ON! - ARGH! LET GO! LET GO! I'LL BREAK YOU IN HALF, DWEEB! THERE, I OPENED THE CHUTE. ARE YOU SATISFIED? NO! - I'M GONNA KILL YOU! - SHUT UP AND ENJOY THE FLIGHT. UH! ARGH! ARGH! ARGH! - GET UP! - BAH! WAH! COMMANDANT, THEY SAY YOUR CITIZENS ON PATROL GROUP DOES MANY, MANY WONDERFUL... - AND CRAZY THINGS. - (APPLAUSE) I THINK SERGEANT MAHONEY DESERVES A SPECIAL BOW. MAHONEY? - ALL RIGHT! - MAHONEY? - WAY TO GO! - MAHONEY! - MAHONEY. - GET UP HERE. LOOK AT MAHONEY. - WHERE? - OH, SORRY. - TO THE ACADEMY. - TO THE ACADEMY. YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK A LITTLE LIKE TOM CRUISE IN TOP GUN. YEAH? YOU! # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # HAVE YOU HEARD THE WORD OUT ON THE STREET? THERE'S A NEW KIND OF HEAT THAT'S WALKIN' THE BEAT. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # COS THE NEIGHBOURHOOD FOLKS WON'T TAKE NO MORE. # THEY GOT BARS ON THE WINDOWS, LOCKS ON THE DOORS. # CLEAN THE STREETS IS WHAT THEY'LL DO. # THEY'RE GONNA GET RID OF ALL THE PUNKS LIKE YOU. # THEY'RE CITIZENS ON PATROL. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # YOU GOT CRASHERS, MASHERS, EVEN HEADBASHERS. PUNKS, DRUNKS, ALL KINDS OF FUNK. # THERE'S A MUGGER IN AN ALLEY AND A JUNKIE NAMED SALLY. - # SO YOU BETTER GO HOME. - # WE WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE. - # WE'RE CITIZENS ON PATROL. # SO YOU CALL THE COPS, IT WON'T DO NO GOOD. COS THEY WON'T EVEN COME TO THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD. # BEFORE WE GET THIS CRIME TO STOP, # WE GOT TO GRAB THE COPS FROM THE DOUGHNUT SHOPS. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # (HORN HONKS) (TYRES SQUEAL) # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - OOH, OOH! # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - # CITIZENS ON PATROL, BABY. - THAT'S ALL RIGHT, BUBBA. YO, STEVIE. COME ON, MAN. (IMITATES HARMONICA) # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - PLAY IT, BUBBA. - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - RIGHT ON, STEVIE. (IMITATES HARMONICA) (IMITATES ELECTRIC GUITAR) - HEY, MAN, GET PRINCE OUT OF HERE. - HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE OTHER RECORD. WHAT ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE DOING HERE? - YO, MAN, EVERYBODY'S HERE. - HEY, JIMI, WHAT'S HAPPENIN'? (IMITATES ELECTRIC GUITAR) # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - ALL RIGHT, BABY. - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - # DIG IT! - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. WHOOA! HOT PANTS! - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - HEY, YEAH! - # MAWM, MAWM, MAWM. - HEH-HEH HEH! (IMITATES HARMONICA PLAYING 'LONDON BRIDGE') OW! - HUT! - YEAH! - WHOA! - # WHEN YOU GO AWAY, DOES YOUR HOUSE GET ROBBED? # DO THEY CASE YOUR PLACE WHEN YOU'RE ON THE JOB? # DO YOU FEEL REAL DUMB, COS YOU'RE A WORKIN' SLOB? YOU NEED CITIZENS ON PATROL. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # CRIME STOPPERS, CIRCLE TO THE LEFT. # NEIGHBOURHOOD WATCH, MOVE TO THE RIGHT. # GONNA GET THIS NEIGHBOURHOOD UNDER CONTROL. WE'RE CITIZENS ON PATROL. # STOP! CITIZEN'S ARREST. # GOT A WHISTLE IN THE BAG AND A WARRANT IN THE VEST. - # CITIZEN'S ARREST! - # SO YOU BETTER GET OUT. - # AND MOVE IT FAST. # COS A BUDDY-BUD IS KICKIN' ASS. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. - # HMM. - CALLING ALL RENT-A-COPS. - # CITIZENS ON PATROL. CALLING ALL DOUGHNUT SHOPS. - # CITIZENS ON PATROL. - CALLING ALL RENT-A-COPS. - # CITIZENS ON PATROL. CALLING ALL DOUGHNUT SHOPS. # CITIZENS ON PATROL. # # SO MANY TIMES I'VE HAD THAT HELPLESS FEELIN', # WHEN NO ONE OR ANY KIND OF MEDICINE WORKED AT ALL. # IT SEEMS TO ME THAT I SEEM TO BE OVERHEATING, # A MIDNIGHT RIDE WITH YOU MIGHT CURE IT ALL. # LET'S GO TO HEAVEN IN MY CAR. # I WANNA DRIVE YOU THERE TONIGHT. # LET'S GO TO HEAVEN IN MY CAR. # WE WON'T BE STOPPING FOR RED LIGHTS. # HUGGIN' THE CURVES, AND I'M OUT OF CONTROL. # GOIN' EYE TO EYE WITH THE RADIO. # LET'S GO TO HEAVEN IN MY CAR. # LET'S GO TO HEAVEN IN MY CAR. # I WANT TO DRIVE YOU THERE TONIGHT. # LET'S GO TO HEAVEN IN MY CAR. # WE WON'T BE STOPPING FOR RED LIGHTS. # Captioning performed by The National Captioning Institute, Inc.