('POLICE ACADEMY' THEME) (FOOTSTEPS) THERE'S SOMEBODY DOWN THERE! SHH! SHH! SHH! IS HE GONE YET? IS HE GONE? PROBABLY. SIR, HE'S GONE. OK. LET'S GO! YO! ANYBODY HOME? SHH! IDIOT! CLOSE THE DOOR. YOU KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR, RIGHT? YEAH! NO. A LIGHT SWITCH? PLEASE TRY NOT TO BE SUCH AN IDIOT. OW! I'M OK. NOBODY ASKED. OOOOOHHHH! HE'S NOT HERE! WHO? COMMISSIONER HURST. WELL, OF COURSE HE'S NOT HERE. IT'S 3 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! THAT'S THE POINT. MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE CALLED FIRST. PROCTOR, IF I'D WANTED THE COMMISSIONER TO WATCH ME WHILE I LOOKED THROUGH HIS FILES, I COULD HAVE COME IN DURING THE DAY AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT. WAIT A MINUTE. YOU MEAN WE'RE BREAKING AND ENTERING ILLEGALLY? WE ARE BREAKING THE LAW? NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. WE ARE NOT BREAKING THE LAW! WE ARE MERELY STRETCHING IT A LITTLE. OH! (GROANING) AHH! MMM! OOH! IT'S O.K. TO BREAK THE LAW IF YOU HAVE A GOOD REASON, LIKE... OH, LIKE A NOTE FROM YOUR DOCTOR OR MOM OR SOMETHING. WE ARE NOT BREAKING THE LAW. WE ARE STRETCHING IT. DO YOU GET IT? UH... NOT REALLY, SIR. I GOT A NOTE IN MY POCKET, O.K.? O.K. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT? COMMISSIONER HURST! WO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HA! COMMANDANT ERIC LASSARD! (CHUCKLES) WELL, THERE HE IS. FOR YEARS YOU'VE KEPT ME FROM MY RIGHTFUL PLACE AS COMMANDANT OF THE POLICE ACADEMY. YOU ALWAYS MANAGE TO COME OUT ON TOP SOMEHOW, DON'T YOU, HUH? I KNOW THAT THERE IS SOMETHING IN THIS FILE THAT IS GOING TO HELP ME GET THE UPPER HAND FOR A CHANGE. AHH.. OOH! WHO'S IN THERE? COMMISSIONER HURST? UH, UH, YES! WHO'S OUT THERE? BOB THE JANITOR, SIR. OH, I UNDERSTAND, SIR. AND I DIDN'T SEE YOU HERE TONIGHT. I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT, BOB. YEAH. THANKS A LOT, BOB. PROCTOR! YES, SIR? THIS IS IT! ACCORDING TO THESE RECORDS, COMMANDANT ERIC LASSARD REACHED THE STATE'S MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE LAST YEAR! HA-HA-HA! PROCTOR! DON'T YOU SEE WHAT THIS MEANS? NO! PROCTOR! THIS MEANS THAT COMMANDANT LASSARD SHOULD HAVE RETIRED FROM THE POLICE ACADEMY A YEAR AGO! HUH? SOMEHOW THIS INFORMATION JUST SLIPPED THROUGH. WELL! WELL, WELL. I FIND IT MY DUTY AS A CONSCIENTIOUS POLICE OFFICER TO SEE TO IT THAT THIS FILE REACHES THE PERSONNEL OFFICE. (CHUCKLES) ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO BREAK IN THERE, TOO, SIR? (APPLAUSE) OFFICER KATHERINE PAGE! THANK YOU, SIR. OFFICER CARLA GRANT! THANK YOU. OFFICER BILL BAKER! THANK YOU, SIR. OFFICER BAMBI BRANDON! WHOA! THANK YOU, SIR. THANK YOU! OFFICER KEVIN WILSON! AND LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST, NOT IN ANY WAY, OFFICER THOMAS CONKLIN! OH! OH! ALSO KNOWN AS HOUSE! CONGRATULATIONS! I'LL MISS YOU, CLASS OF... '88! YEAH! YEAH! NICE. I'VE SEEN A LOT OF GRADUATING CLASSES. AND LET ME SAY THAT THIS IS ONE OF THE VERY BEST OF THEM. CLEARLY, COMMANDANT LASSARD HAS OUTDONE HIMSELF THIS TIME. IT'S MY PRIVILEGE TO ANNOUNCE THAT COMMANDANT ERIC LASSARD WILL BE HONOURED AS POLICE OFFICER OF THE DECADE AT THIS YEAR'S NATIONAL POLICE CHIEFS CONVENTION TO BE HELD IN MIAMI BEACH! THIS ACADEMY OWES A GREAT DEBT TO THE VISION OF COMMANDANT LASSARD, WHICH MAKES WHAT I HAVE TO SAY NEXT EVEN MORE DIFFICULT. IT IS WITH GREAT SADNESS AND REGRET THAT I MUST ANNOUNCE ERIC LASSARD'S RETIREMENT AS COMMANDANT OF THIS POLICE ACADEMY. COMMANDANT LASSARD HAS REACHED THIS STATE'S MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE. A QUALIFIED SUCCESSOR WILL, OF COURSE, BE CHOSEN, BUT THE NEW COMMANDANT WILL HAVE NO EASY TASK FILLING THESE SHOES. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO? KICK SOME BUTT! IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT. THIS IS SO UNFAIR! I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM LIKE THIS. HE WAS ALWAYS SO STRONG. THE ACADEMY WAS HIS STRENGTH. NOW HE'S LOST IT. IT'S JUST NOT RIGHT. WHY DON'T WE JUST SHOOT SOMEBODY? COMMANDANT. (AHEM) NO. HE AIN'T WORTH IT. CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR RETIREMENT-- NO, I'M SORRY-- I MEAN, ON YOUR AWARD IN MIAMI BEACH. CONCERNING YOUR RETIREMENT, SIR. I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW MUCH I'VE ENJOYED WORKING WITH YOU ALL THESE YEARS, AND, UH, HOW MUCH I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR LONG OVERDUE REST. WELL, GUESS I'LL RUN ALONG AND READ MY BOOK. KEEP IN TOUCH, EVERYONE! (COCKS RIFLE) (CLICK) (BUZZH!) (COYOTE HOWL) THEY JUST KEEP STARING AT EACH OTHER. WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING! I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, SIR. I WAS READY TO TOSS IN THE TOWEL, TOO. THEN I MET A MAN WHO CHANGED MY LIFE. THAT MAN WAS YOU, SIR. HE SAID, 'TAKE WHAT YOU HAVE, HOWEVER LITTLE, AND DO YOUR BEST WITH IT!' NEVER QUIT. NEVER LOSE HOPE! THAT'S THE LASSARD I KNEW! AND WHERE IS THAT LASSARD NOW? RIGHT HERE. BY GAD, YOU'RE RIGHT. I WAS FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF. NO MORE! I'M STILL BEING HONOURED AT THE NATIONAL POLICE CHIEFS CONVENTION IN MIAMI BEACH! AFFIRMATIVE, SIR! GO THERE WITH MY HEAD HELD HIGH! YES, SIR! IT WILL BE MY FINEST HOUR! DUCK! GET DOWN! THAT'S THE SPIRIT, SIR! GOOD SHOT. IT WOULD MAKE MY CROWNING MOMENT ONLY GREATER IF MY LOYAL GRADUATES COULD BE THERE TO SHARE IT WITH ME. MIAMI BEACH? ALL THAT SURF, SUN, AND FUN? THEN YOU CAN MEET NICK, MY NEPHEW. HE'S A POLICEMAN IN MIAMI BEACH. WE'LL DO IT, SIR. BUT ONLY FOR YOU. YOU HAVE ALL GIVEN ME NEW HOPE. THANK YOU, SIR. WAY TO GO, SIR. WE'RE SO PROUD OF YOU. IF I CANNOT STAY, THEN I'LL GO OUT IN STYLE. MIAMI BEACH, GET READY. GET READY FOR ERIC LASSARD! OH! OH, NO! OHH! JONES, THE FISH! HIGHTOWER! IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK, SIR. (HUMMING) AND I CAN ASSURE YOU-- OHH! THIS ACADEMY, UNDER MY ADMINISTRATION, WILL NO LONGER BE A SOURCE OF ANY EMBARRASSMENT TO YOUR DEPARTMENT. YES, YES. SO YOU KEEP TELLING ME. SIR! CLEAN OFFICE. MY OFFICE HASN'T BEEN CLEANED IN A WEEK. JANITOR QUIT ON ME. EXCUSE ME, SIR! (AHEM) COMMISSIONER, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT THIS PLAN. THAT I HAVE FORMULATED. IT COMPLETELY RESTRUCTURES-- I DON'T MEAN TO BOTHER YOU, SIR! HARRIS, YOU MAY WELL BE THE BEST MAN FOR THIS POSITION. YOU MAY EVEN WIND UP AS COMMANDANT OF THIS ACADEMY, BUT YOU SURE HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT ACTING LIKE A COMMANDANT. (GROAN) AT LEAST LASSARD HAS THE RESPECT OF HIS MEN. WHOSE RESPECT DO YOU HAVE? (GROAN) COMMISSIONER SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT, SIR. HE'S RIGHT, PROCTOR. I KNOW, SIR, BUT--OHH! HE STILL-- HE JUST SHOULDN'T SAY IT. NO. NO. HE'S RIGHT. BEING QUALIFIED JUST ISN'T ENOUGH. NOW, I KNOW THAT I WAS BORN TO BE COMMANDANT. IT IS MY DESTINY! PROCTOR, YOU AND I ARE GOING TO MIAMI BEACH. WE ARE? DON'T YOU SEE? WE'LL GO TO MIAMI BEACH AND HELP HONOUR LASSARD. THAT WILL SHOW THE COMMISSIONER WHAT A BIG MAN I CAN BE. (CHUCKLES) PROCTOR! YES, SIR! GET ON THE PHONE. CALL THE AIRPORT! MAKE A RESERVATION TO MIAMI BEACH. FIRST CLASS! V.I.P.! V.I.P. I'LL IMPRESS THEM FROM THE START. BRILLIANT, SIR! OW! (RING) HEY, JONES! PICK UP THE PHONE. (RING) UP. (RING) (RING) WHEN'S LASSARD COMING BACK? (RING) I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONE. (RING) HELLO, MUNICIPAL AIRPORT? UH, THIS IS LIEUTENANT PROCTOR OF THE METROPOLITAN POLICE ACADEMY. CAPTAIN HARRIS WILL BE ATTENDING THE POLICE CHIEFS CONVENTION IN MIAMI BEACH, AND WILL REQUIRE TWO FIRST-CLASS TICKETS ABOARD YOUR MOST PRESTIGIOUS FLIGHT. ALL LINES ARE BUSY. PLEASE HOLD. HEH HEH HEH! I GOT PROCTOR ON THE TELEPHONE. HE'S TRYING TO BOOK TWO FIRST-CLASS TICKETS TO MIAMI, FOR HIM AND HARRIS, AND HE THINKS I'M THE AIRPORT. GREAT. JUST WHAT WE NEED IN MIAMI. HARRIS! NO. WAIT! PUT HIM ON HOLD FOR A MINUTE. CHECKING COMPUTERS RIGHT NOW, SIR. PLEASE STAND BY. (HUMMING 'BILL BAILEY') # AH HA HA MMM MMM MMM MMM # # MM MMM MM HMM HMM HMM # (THWACK!) WHOOO! # AH HA HA ## I'D LIKE THE NUMBER FOR BUDGET RENT-A-PLANE, PLEASE. (HUMS WRONG NOTE) (CONTINUES HUMMING) COME ON, PAL. LET'S GO. OH. OH, YEAH. O.K. O.K. (BURP) GO! GO! GO! HERE, BOSS. HERE. DUCK. QUIETLY. (GLASS BREAKS) I SAID QUIETLY! (CRASH) BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT! HEY! HEY! HOO! WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS? HEH HEH HEH! HEY! HEY, EASY! EASY! WHOOO! (THUD) GET DOWN, NITWIT! HEY! HEY! NIGHTY-NIGHT! ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO. ALL RIGHT. YOU GOT THE LASER? YEAH. GIVE IT TO ME. COME ON. O.K., IT'S HOT. (CUTTING GLASS) OOPS! YEAH. HERE YOU GO. SURE. HERE. GOT IT. (CHUCKLES) COME TO PAPA. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL, BOSS! OH, LOOK AT THAT! YEAH. LIEUTENANT CALLAHAN. SERGEANT HIGHTOWER. SERGEANT JONES. SERGEANT HOOKS. SERGEANT TACKLEBERRY. OFFICER CONKLIN. THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO. FLIGHT 112, FLIGHT 112... LAST CALL. LAST BOARDING CALL FOR FLIGHT... OH! ARE YOU O.K.? WHOA! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? WE'VE GOT SOME TIME, BOYS. LET'S SAY WE FIND OURSELVES A BAR. SURE THING, BOSS. YEAH. GOOD IDEA, BOSS. WATCH IT, KID! WATCH IT! HEY! YEAH. NICE SHOT. AW. THEY OUGHT TO KEEP THOSE KIDS ON A LEASH. YEAH. WHOA! WHAT AN IDIOT. HE WAS STUPID. OH, MY, EXCUSE ME! OW! AHH! OW! BOSS! OUT OF THE WAY, BUDDY! JEEZ! BOSS! YOU ALL RIGHT? BOSS! BOSS, YOU ALL RIGHT, BOSS? HOW'S MY HAIR? HOW'S MY HAIR? OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL, BOSS. BEAUTIFUL. THERE HE GOES, BOSS! LET HIM GO! LET HIM GO! WE DON'T WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION. YEAH. THE DIAMONDS. SHH! ARE YOU SURE MY HAIR'S ALL RIGHT? YEAH. IT LOOKS THE SAME, BOSS. HUH? HOW'S IT LOOK? HASN'T BUDGED, BOSS. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO. AH! COMMANDANT LASSARD! I WAS VERY SORRY TO LEARN THAT WE WOULDN'T BE TRAVELLING TOGETHER. NOW, THAT IS A DISAPPOINTMENT. LIEUTENANT PROCTOR HAS BOOKED US ON A VERY SPECIAL FLIGHT. V.I.P. EXCUSE ME. V.I.P. I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE TAKING AN ECONOMY FLIGHT? WE'LL JUST HAVE TO MEET IN MIAMI. I'LL SEE YOU THERE. SHAME. MORNING, SIR. PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH THE BAG. FLYING MAKES HIM NERVOUS. UH, UH, UH. (METAL DETECTOR BEEPS) METAL, PLEASE. COME THROUGH AGAIN, PLEASE. (MAKES ALARM SOUND) HA-HA-HA! HMM? (CHUCKLES) HEY. AH? (BOOP) HMM? HUH. IT'S PROBABLY THE BUCKLE, SIR. HERE. I'LL GET IT. GET AWAY FROM ME, PROCTOR! THANK YOU. HA-HA-HA! WHOOWEE! HA-HA-HA! (WHISTLING) COME THROUGH, PLEASE. WHOO! (BOOP, BOOP, BOOP BOOP, BOOP, BOOP) (BOOP, BOOP, BOOP) VERY FUNNY, JONES! (BOOP) PROCTOR! WILL PASSENGER HELEN HABIB PLEASE REPORT TO THE TICKET COUNTER AT GATE FOUR. OH, UH, MISS? MISS? UH, COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME AT WHAT GATE FLIGHT 1545 IS BOARDING? GATE 24, SIR. UH-HUH. COULD YOU ALSO CHECK AND MAKE SURE THAT I AM IN THE SPECIAL V.I.P. SECTION? THE NAME IS HARRIS. THERE IS NO V.I.P. SECTION, SIR. IT'S A PRIVATE PLANE. OH. AAH! A PRIVATE PLANE. AND YOU AND MR. PROCTOR ARE THE ONLY LISTED PASSENGERS. AH. I SEE. OUR OWN PLANE. WELL, WELL, HARRIS. YOU TRAVEL FIRST-CLASS, I MUST SAY. WELL, IT'S THE ONLY WAY. COME, PROCTOR. AU REVOIR! BON VOYAGE! CIAO! AUF WIEDERSEHEN! OH! OH! OH! OH, MY GOD! HA-HA-HA! THIS IS GREAT! OUR OWN AIRPLANE! ANIMALS TO PLAY WITH! I'LL TELL YOU, THIS V.I.P. TREATMENT IS WORTH EVERY PENNY. (MOO) A-O.K.! HA-HA-HA! PROCTOR... PROCTOR, WHY DO I PUT UP WITH YOU? UH, WELL, SIR. I THINK THAT'S BECAUSE MY SISTER MARRIED YOUR NEPHEW. (MOO) AND, WELL, THAT MAKES US-- SHUT UP, PROCTOR! (SQUAWK! SQUAWK!) HEY! SIR, THEY LIKE YOU! SIR, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRINK TODAY? NOTHING RIGHT NOW, THANK YOU. TRICHLOROETHANE JUST DOESN'T HAVE THE APPEAL FOR ME THAT IT USED TO HAVE. I STILL DEPEND ON THE OLD P.R. 24. WHY, THIS OLD BABY, IT DOESN'T EVEN BREAK. IT PULVERISES. IT CAN SMASH ANYBODY. I CAN HOLD THEM IN A CHOKE HOLD. I HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER A PERPETRATOR OR A GROUP OR PERPETRATORS. THIS ONE TIME WHEN I SAW THESE THREE GUYS-- (COUGH, COUGH) EYES LEFT! HIGHTOWER, CHECK THIS OUT. OH! WHOA! WHAT YOU GOT THERE, HOUSE? THERE'S AN ARTICLE HERE ON MALONE. I DON'T EVEN LIKE HIM. GIVE ME FIVE POINTS. YOU GOT IT. EXCUSE ME, SIR? WOULD YOU MIND RETURNING TO YOUR OWN SEAT? WE'RE ABOUT TO SERVE THE MEAL. THE MEAL? AHH! AHH! GEE! YAH, YAH, YAH, YAH. OUT OF THE WAY. LET ME IN HERE! LET ME IN! LET ME IN! OH, JEEZ. YOU BEEN WAITING LONG? OH, GREAT. SHE'S BEEN WAIT-- COME ON! COME ON! OTHER PEOPLE IN NEED HERE, YOU KNOW! SORRY. I'M SORRY. THERE SEEMS TO BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE SINK. I DON'T BELIEVE IT! WE'RE ON THE SAME PLANE! BOSS, YOU WANT WE SHOULD, UH... WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY? WE CAN'T MAKE A SCENE WHILE WE GOT, UH... WAIT YOUR TURN! COME! COME ON! LET ME IN THERE! LET ME IN! OOOH! AAAH! AHH! AHHA! LET ME OUT OF HERE! LET ME OUT OF HERE! I WANT TO GET-- LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! I'LL--I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL KILL HIM! NO! BOSS! BOSS! WHAT? WHAT? BOSS. THE DIAMONDS, BOSS. OH, RIGHT. RIGHT. GEE! OH, HO, HO. HERE. FIX THIS. (SNORE) (CLICK, CLICK) (ELECTRIC SHAVER) (ELECTRIC DRILL) (POP) (VIOLIN) (PLUCKING STRING) SIR! (COUGH, COUGH) PLEASE, SIR. YOUR CIGAR. YOU GOT A PROBLEM, LADY? (COUGH, COUGH) (COUGH, COUGH) HA-HA-HA! EXCUSE ME. NOW WHAT? HA-HA-HA! YEAH! NICE TOUCH, HOOKS. YEAH! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THANK YOU FOR FLYING WITH US. WE HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY IN THE MIAMI AREA. THE TEMPERATURE IS A BALMY 82 DEGREES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S THE MATTER. IT MUST BE STUCK. I'LL GET SOME HELP. IT'LL JUST BE A MINUTE OR SO, FOLKS. SHALL WE HELP HER? LET'S DO IT. EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. UHH! UHH! OH! OH! OH, WOW! UNBELIEVABLE! WHY, THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN. YOU MAY ALL DEPLANE NOW. (STEEL BAND PLAYS) ATTENTION, PLEASE. PASSENGERS ON FLIGHT 183 CONTINUING FROM MIAMI TO CARACAS, THERE WILL BE A SLIGHT DELAY DUE TO A DOOR MALFUNCTION. AFTER WE DELIVER THE DIAMONDS, A NIGHT ON THE TOWN, YOUR TREAT. OOH, OOH, OOH. STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THAT OLD MAN. HE'S BAD LUCK. KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. KEEP YOUR DISTANCE. HE'S A BUCKET OF BAD NEWS. ALL RIGHT, NOW WE CAN RELAX. WHOOA! AAAH! AAAH! AAAH! YOU O.K., BOSS? YOU ALL RIGHT, BOSS? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. YOU OK? YOU OK? THE BAG, THE BAG! THE BAG! THERE IT IS. I'LL GET IT! I GOT IT. I'M ALL RIGHT. GIVE ME THE DAMN BAG! YOU GOT IT. LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. I GOT PEOPLE TO MEET. RIGHT. I'M ALL RIGHT. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? LOOKS LIKE A MORON CONVENTION. THAT'S A NICE SET OF PAPAYAS. BA-BA-BA BOOM. THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS! OOH! UGH! GET! JESUS. I'VE READ OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS. AND I MUST SAY THAT OUR CITY IS PROUD TO WELCOME THE POLICE OFFICER OF THE DECADE. YOU'RE VERY, VERY KIND, MR. MAYOR. THIS IS OUR POLICE COMMISSIONER, DAVE MURDOCK. HE'S IN CHARGE OF THE POLICE CHIEFS CONVENTION. VERY, VERY PLEASED TO MEET YOU, DAVE. THE PLEASURE IS ALL MINE, COMMANDANT LASSARD. OH, MAYOR THOMPSON, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET COMMANDANT LASSARD'S POLICE COMMISSIONER, HENRY HURST. HOW DO YOU DO? AND THESE, DAVE... ARE MY FINEST. IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE, OFFICERS. STOP! HALT! GOOD TO SEE YOU, NICK. HI, UNCLE ERIC! THAT'S MY NEPHEW NICK I WAS TALKING ABOUT. I'M VERY, VERY PROUD OF HIM. WHAT'S THE MATTER? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? SMILE. (CROWD GASPS) AND HERE'S YOUR WALLET, SIR. THANK YOU, OFFICER. YOU'RE VERY WELCOME. NICK! GOOD TO SEE YOU, UNCLE ERIC! AH, I'VE LOOKED FORWARD TO THIS SO MUCH. NO! NO! OOOH! NICK, I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FINEST, MY BEST FRIENDS. BILL. OH, EXCUSE ME, BILL? BILL? OH, EILEEN. HA-HA-HA! COMMANDANT LASSARD, THIS IS MY WIFE EILEEN, THE CHAIRWOMAN OF OUR WELCOMING COMMITTEE. VERY PLEASED TO MEET YOU. HOW DO YOU DO? WE'VE GREETED EVERYONE EXCEPT CAPTAIN HARRIS. WE CAN'T FIND HIM ANYWHERE. OH, HE'LL BE ALONG SHORTLY. HE'S TRAVELLING BY PRIVATE PLANE. WHOO! ISN'T THIS FUN, SIR? AAH! WOW! THEY LOOK IMPRESSED, SIR. I WISH WE HAD AN ELEPHANT. HI! WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING? MR. DEMPSEY? YOUR MERCHANDISE, SIR. YOU GOT THE DIAMONDS. AH, YES, SIR. WE DID LIKE YOU TOLD US. WE TORE OUT THE STONES AND THREW THAT GOLD JUNK AWAY. GOOD! GOOD! HA! HA! WE HID THEM IN THE CAMERA. UH-HUH. IT'S GIFT-WRAPPED. HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE? SIR? I GOT NO EXCUSE, SIR. SOMEBODY PULLED A BAG SWITCH ON ME. MY BOAT LEAVES THE COUNTRY IN 24 HOURS. YOU GOT TILL THEN. YES, SIR. DON'T DISAPPOINT ME AGAIN. THANK YOU, MR. DEMPSEY. WHOO! THAT CRAZY OLD MAN HAS OUR BAG! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT... ALL RIGHT! WE SEARCH EVERY HOTEL UNTIL WE FIND HIM. IF WE DON'T GET THOSE DIAMONDS BACK THIS TIME TOMORROW, WE'RE DEAD! WE'RE DEAD! WE'RE DEAD! OH-HO! WE'RE DEAD! WE'RE DEAD. YOU GIVE A FINE TOUR, DAVID. THANK YOU, COMMISSIONER. COMMISSIONER MURDOCK, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT PLANNED AS POLICE PROCEDURE DEMONSTRATION THIS YEAR? LAST YEAR, THEY ARRESTED EVERYONE ABOVE THE RANK OF CAPTAIN, PUT US ALL IN JAIL. IT WAS ALL RATHER FUN REALLY. OH, COMMANDANT LASSARD, IF I TOLD YOU, IT WOULD, UH, SPOIL THE SURPRISE. LET ME SHOW YOU THE POOL AREA AND THE REST OF THE HOTEL WHERE MOST OF OUR CONVENTION WILL TAKE PLACE. IT'S A GOOD PICTURE. I GUESS THE UNIFORM BRINGS OUT THE BEST IN ME. UNCLE ERIC, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I'M REALLY GOING TO MISS ALL THIS. TESTING...1, 2, 3, 4. TESTING. CAN YOU HEAR ME? TESTING...1, 2, 3, 4. IS THAT O.K.? THIS IS GOING TO BE A GREAT CONVENTION. THEY'VE GOT CROWD-CONTROL DEMONSTRATIONS, NEW EQUIPMENT, MARTIAL ARTS. OOH, AND LOOK, A BOMB DISPOSAL PRESENTATION. YOU GUYS PUT ON A GOOD SHOW. YES, SIR, WE DO. BUT IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY START UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON, SO THIS MORNING I'D LIKE YOU TO SEE ANOTHER SHOW ON A BEAUTIFUL STRETCH OF BEACH. OF COURSE, THE, UH... POOL IS NICE, TOO. PARDON ME, WON'T YOU? MM-HMM. WHOA! ATTENTION, LADIES, THE WATER AEROBICS CLASS WILL BEGIN IN 15 MINUTES. SHOW US HOW. AH! POOL-SIDE MASSEUR. MMM, I SEE. ENJOYING YOURSELF? OH, VERY MUCH SO. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. AND YOU? OH, YEAH. MMM! I JUST LOVE IT WHEN A STRANGE MAN PUTS HIS HANDS ALL OVER MY BODY. YOU DO? MM-HMM. IT GIVES ME A CHANCE TO DO THIS. NO, WAIT! WAIT! NO, WAIT! WHOA! ATTENTION, GUESTS. THE WATER AEROBICS CLASS WILL BEGIN IN 15 MINUTES. SO, I, UH... GUESS I DESERVED THAT. BUT IT WAS FUN. COME ON, HERE YOU GO. HEY, HIGHTOWER! O.K., HERE WE GO! COME ON! THROW ME ONE. RIGHT BACK AT ME. OH, BOY! I'LL GO OUT FOR A LONG ONE, O.K.? O.K., HERE WE GO! ALL RIGHTY. O.K., COME ON! COME ON, ALL RIGHT! COME ON. HEY! UH...UH-- O.K.! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! HERE WE GO! COME ON! I'LL BUY ONE. O.K., HERE WE GO. COME ON! ALL RIGHT! HEY! WHAT'S THE MATTER, NO ARM? O.K.! AAAHH! ANDREW! HONEY! COME ON! COME GET YOUR SUN BLOCK. HIKE! CATCH! HIT ME LONG! COME ON! GET HER! (THEME FROM 'JAWS' PLAYS) AAH! SHARK! NICKI! AAAH! DESIST AND LEAVE THE SWIMMING AREA NOW, MISTER! WHAT'S THAT GUY DOING? MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! NOW! (CROWD CHEERS) (RRRRRR) (WHOOSH) RIGHT! DIG IN! DIG IN! WAY TO GO, HOUSE! THE SECRET TO A GREAT TAN IS CONTROL. FIRST, I USE THIS NUMBER 4 TANNING LOTION TO GIVE MYSELF A NICE GOLDEN BROWN. THEN I USE A COMPLETE SUN BLOCK TO KEEP THOSE OLD DANGEROUS RAYS OFF MY SKIN. THROW IT HERE... TO ME. OH, OH, OH, OH! SOME DICKHEAD IS STANDING IN MY SUN. OH, CAPTAIN HARRIS, HEY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE. YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK WE'VE BEEN INTRODUCED. MY NAME IS NICK-- I DON'T CARE WHO YOU ARE, BUTT WIPE. JUST GET OUT OF MY SUN! BUTT WIPE? SCRAM, SLEAZEBALL! O.K. FINE. BUTT WIPE, HUH? HAVEN'T HEARD THAT IN A WHILE. THAT WAS GREAT, SIR. PROCTOR. YES, SIR? NOW YOU'RE IN MY SUN. OH! WOOF, WOOF! MMMM. LET ME HAVE YOUR SUN BLOCK, KATE. WHERE'S HE GOING? (SNORING) WHOA! WHOA! IS THIS HOW YOUR FEET FIT IN THESE THINGS? HEY! I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME! SO, UH, DON'T DO ANYTHING UNTIL I WAVE MY HAND, O.K.? WHATEVER. HEY! YOU GOT THAT? WHOOOA! HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! STOP! HEY! EXCUSE ME! HEY! EXCUSE ME! OH, WELL, NEVER MIND! OH! OH! WOW! OH! OH! WHOA! WHOO! YEAH! WHOOAA! THANKS. I MEANT TO DO THAT, TOO. THANKS. THANK YOU. PRETTY GOOD, HUH? OH, MY GOD! WHOO! YEAH! HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA! HUH?...OH! HELLO, DORK. HEY, WHAT'S HAPPENING, DORK! HA-HA-HA! HEY, DORK! HEY, DORK! HEY, DORK. WHAT'S UP? CHECK THAT GUY OUT! DORK! DORK! HEY, DORK! YOU DO GOOD WORK, LISA. NO QUESTION ABOUT IT. MR. MAYOR, EXCUSE ME, SIR. I DON'T MEAN TO INSULT YOUR CITY, BUT THE PEOPLE ON THIS BEACH ARE VERY RUDE AND HOSTILE. WELL, I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT, CAPTAIN DORK. (LAUGHTER) Let's hit it. Oh, sweet. (WHAM!'S WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO PLAYS) Jitterbug. OK. # You put the boom-boom into my heart # Ooh-ooh # You send my soul sky high when your loving starts... # HE'S AN OLD GUY ABOUT THIS TALL WITH WHITE HAIR, ALWAYS CARRIES A GOLF BAG. YOU EVER SEEN HIM? HE AIN'T AT THIS HOTEL EITHER, BOSS. WE ARE DEAD MEN. WE ARE DEAD! THREE DEAD MEN, THAT'S WHO WE ARE! WE ARE DEAD. (HORN HONKS) HEY! LOOK OUT! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN? OH, WE WAS AT THE TRACK. MR. DEMPSEY COULDN'T FIND US. HE WAS VERY UPSET, YOU KNOW. ANY OF YOU GUYS WANT JELLY DOUGHNUTS? STOP IT WITH THE DANG DOUGHNUTS. WE GOT TO FIND THIS OLD GUY! IT'S GOING TO BE DARK SOON. WE GOT TO LOOK UNTIL WE FIND THIS GUY. BBBRRRR! BBBRRRR! YA-HA-HA! YAH HA! YEAH! # LIMBO IN THE NIGHT-TIME # # WHERE THE ISLAND FACES ALWAYS GO # # MAYBE THEN WE'LL FIND OUT JUST HOW LOW YOU'LL GO # # THE MUSIC'S GETTING FASTER # # AND THE STICK IS GETTING LOWER # # BEFORE THE NIGHT IS THROUGH # # WE'LL SEE HOW LOW YOU'LL GO # # HOW LOW? # UH, CAN WE GET A COUPLE OF THOSE POTATO COLADAS? OH! AND, UH, COULD I GET A PINK-- NO, MAKE IT A GREEN UMBRELLA? # HOW LOW CAN YOU GO? # # DO YOU EVEN KNOW? # # WHEN IT'S ALL DONE # # WILL YOU BE THE ONE? # # HOW LOW? # DRINK UP, SIR. BOTTOMS UP. (WOMAN) MAY I HAVE A GRASSHOPPER, PLEASE? HI, HOW ARE YOU? MMM-MMM. WHAT A SNOB. SNOB? TAKE A LOOK AT YOURSELF, YOU FIRST-CLASS SCHMUCK. ALL RIGHT! # HOW LOW CAN YOU GO? # # DO YOU EVEN KNOW? # # WHEN IT'S ALL DONE # # WILL YOU BE THE ONE? # # HOW LOW CAN YOU GO? # # HOW LOW? # CHANGE. GIVE ME SOME CHANGE. (JINGLE) SCORPIO, RIGHT? NO. SIR, CAN I GET A CIGAR? HI. PROCTOR. HI. SIR? HI. HELLO. EEYUU. (JINGLE) LIBRA? HA-HA. NO. AHEM. YOU'RE A VERY PRETTY LADY. THANKS. (HARRIS) THAT'S A NICE SUNTAN. (SPITS CIGAR BUTT) UHM... I GOT A LITTLE SUNTAN TODAY, TOO. THAT'S NICE. MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO COME UP TO MY ROOM LATER AND, UH, PUT A LITTLE LOTION ON IT. NO? OH, LOOK AT THESE CUTE FRECKLES. WHAT IS YOUR NAME, LITTLE GIRL? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? BLOWING IN MY EAR? NO, SIR. I--I-- SCRAM! B-B-BUT-- GET! MY--MY NAME IS, UH, THADDEUS HARRIS. HEY! MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF ME. NOT REALLY. (WHOOSH) AAAH! PUT IT OUT! DON'T! UH! OH! (SPLASH) AAAH! I GUESS COMING UP TO MY ROOM IS OUT OF THE QUESTION? OH! WOMEN. GO FIGURE. # HOW LOW? # # HOW LOW? ## I WON'T TELL ANYONE. IS IT A MOCK BOMB THREAT? A ROBBERY? AM I GETTING WARM? ERIC, I'M NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING ABOUT THE POLICE PROCEDURE DEMONSTRATION. NOW, YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE. OH, WELL. YOU HAVE A FINE OPERATION, DAVID. THANK YOU FOR SHOWING IT TO ME. MY PLEASURE, ERIC. I'M JUST SORRY THAT, UH, I MADE US RUN LATE. ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT. BETWEEN US, WE'VE COVERED EVERY HOTEL ON HOTEL ROW. YOU GUYS... I WANT YOU GUYS TO START SOUTH BEACH. WE DON'T SEE HIM HERE, WE'LL START NORTHSIDE, WORK OUR WAY TO YOU. YOU GOT IT? YOU GOT IT? O.K., GET OUT OF HERE. (SMACKING) YOU SQUIRTED ME WITH YOUR DOUGHNUT, MORON! YOU ARE DISGUSTING! YOU ARE SUCH A PIG! HEY, BOSS, I'M SORRY! PIGS. YOU GUYS ARE SUCH PIGS! WE BETTER GO RIGHT ON IN. HEY, BOSS! THAT'S HIM! COME ON! GET OUT OF HERE! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? WHOA! OH, DEAR! EXCUSE US, GUNGA DIN. YEAH, GUNGA. WHERE'S THE BOSS? HEY, BOSS! BOSS! HE'S RIGHT THERE, BOSS. HE'S RIGHT OVER THERE, BOSS. SEE HIM? ALL RIGHT, WE GRAB HIM, WE GET OUT. QUIET IF WE CAN, ROUGH IF WE HAVE TO. YOU GOT IT? GOT IT, BOSS. I'LL TAKE THE BIG GUY. THEY'RE BOTH BIG GUYS. I'LL TAKE THE GUY WITH WHITE HAIR. BOTH GOT WHITE HAIR. I'LL TAKE THE GUY ON THE LEFT. YOUR LEFT OR MY LEFT? WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP! SORRY, BOSS. ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT IT? GOT IT, BOSS. ALL RIGHT. (INDISTINCT CHATTER) OH, COME ON IN AND REGISTER. UH... SORRY, UH... WRONG ROOM. BEST OF LUCK. THE BLUE CARD IS YOUR LUNCH PASS. BOSS, HE'S A COP! WE'RE DEAD MEN, BOSS. BOSS! BOSS! SHUT UP! I GOT TO THINK. WOULD YOU TWO GUYS CLEAN YOURSELVES UP? YOU'RE DISGUSTING! HE'S A COP. COME ON, BIRDIE. LET'S GET OUR LITTLE FISH A LITTLE SUNSHINE. WHERE'S MY LITTLE FISH? BIRDIE, WHERE ARE YOU? AHH, THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE. SPLENDID! (KNOCK, KNOCK) COME ON OUT. HOTEL LAUNDRY SERVICE, SIR. YOU GOT ANYTHING YOU WANT DRY-CLEANED OR LAUNDRIED? NOTHING TODAY, THANK YOU. VERY GOOD, SIR. AH, THIS PRESENT HAS REAL POSSIBILITIES. THERE YOU ARE! YOU NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY FISH! I WAS THINKING OF HAVING HIM PUT A LITTLE MORE BLUE... GREAT. COME ON. COME ON. UGH! A PIECE OF CAKE, BOSS. HEY! HUH? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT WE GOT HERE? HEY! HEY. WHERE IS-- WHERE IS THE CAMERA? (SIREN) AND BAMBI'S NOT GOING TO TAKE ANY FLAK WHEN SHE WEARS THIS LOVELY CAMOUFLAGED FLAK VEST. (SIREN) WOULD YOU CARE TO TRY IT ON, SIR? OOH, HANDCUFFS! LAVERNE, LOOK! RESTRAINTS. UM...EXCUSE ME, MISS? PARDON ME, MISS? UH-UH...OH, EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME-- OH, HOOKS. HOOKS... WHY DON'T YOU TRY THIS? (TWEET) THIS WORKS EVEN BETTER! (TWEET, TWEET) (MAKES MOTORCYCLE SOUND) OUT OF MY WAY, DICKHEAD. (TWEET) DICK (WHISTLES) SO WHEN YOU SEE HIM, GO (IMITATING BIRD SOUNDS). YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? O.K. (BIRD SQUAWKS) WHEN YOU SEE THE GUY, ALL RIGHT? (SQUAWK) THANK YOU. (SQUAWK) (SQUAWK) HEY, DORK. HEY, DORK. DON'T MISS THE LATEST IN POLICE HOLDS AND GRIPS. THEY WILL BE DEMONSTRATED ON FIVE DIFFERENT MATS. WE HAVE EXPERTS DEMONSTRATING TECHNIQUES IN JUDO, AIKIDO, TAE KWON DO, HAPKIDO, AND KARATE. HEY, CALLAHAN. NICK. EXCELLENT TECHNIQUE. IS THAT KATE? YEAH. YOU DIDN'T KNOW SHE COULD DO THAT? DIDN'T EVEN KNOW SHE WAS A COP. WHERE IS HE? CUT THE STRAP! I'M TRYING. DON'T! COME ON, JUST GET THE CAMERA! O.K.! O.K.! OH, YOU MISSED HIM AGAIN! GO AROUND THE WALL! PLOO! (APPLAUSE) WITH OUR NEXT VOLUNTEER, WE WILL DEMONSTRATE THE CHOKE HOLD. OW! WE TAKE HIM DOWN WITH A SWEEP DOWN. IF HE BECOMES AGGRESSIVE... AAH! WE TAKE HIS ARM, TURN HIM AROUND INTO THE STOMACH THROW. UGH! NEXT? (GONG) I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE. O.K. LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT, JONESEY. ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ON. HA! HA! UGH! HYAH! AAH! HA. VERY GOOD. THANK YOU. (APPLAUSE) HEY, HEY! NEXT! JONES, LOOK AT THAT! IT'S A KNIFE! WATCH THIS. DID SHE SAY KNIFE? DIDN'T HURT. THAT HURT. BROTHER, LET ME HELP YOU UP. HERE. AAH! NOT BAD FOR A BEGINNER. (KATE) WHAT A GOOD SPORT. NEXT? THAT'S IT FOR ME, LADY. COME ON, DON'T BE AFRAID. MAKE WAY. MAKE WAY. MAKE WAY! COMMISSIONER, FABULOUS CONVENTION. FABULOUS, SIR. GOOD! NOW... HAA! THIS IS A GREAT CONVENTION! NEXT? I NEED A VOLUNTEER. WHOO! THANKS. HI. HYAH! HYAH! OOOH! UPSEE-DAISEE. OOPS! THAT'S O.K., I'M ALL RIGHT. OHH, THANK YOU. NEXT? THANK YOU. THANK YOU. AN AUTHORITATIVE VOICE IS VERY IMPORTANT IN CROWD CONTROL. NOW, LET'S SEE HOW SOME OF YOU PEOPLE DO IN THIS SITUATION. OFFICER, OUT HERE WITH ME! THE CROWD HAS JUST BROKEN THROUGH YOUR POLICE LINE, OFFICER. MOVE THEM BACK. (CHANTING) HELL, NO! WE WON'T GO! HELL, NO! WE WON'T GO! HELL, NO! WE WON'T GO! HEY! HEY! HEY! WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU THINK I'M GOING TO HURT YOU? MMM, YEAH. WELL, JUST REMEMBER WHAT I TAUGHT YOU, O.K.? BE GENTLE. O.K. UH! JEEZ, I, UH, GUESS I DID THAT WRONG, HUH? I DON'T KNOW. THIS TECHNIQUE HAS ITS MERITS. OH, WELL, SHALL WE TRY IT AGAIN? PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. OFFICER, YOUR TURN! OUT HERE WITH ME. (CHANTING) HELL, NO! WE WON'T GO! HELL, NO! WE WON'T GO! EXCUSE ME. WE NEED TO KEEP IT... IT WOULD HELP A LOT IF YOU'LL JUST BACK UP. HELL, NO! WE WON'T GO! BACK OFF, YOU TURKEYS! I'M A POLICE OFFICER, AND WHEN I TALK, YOU LISTEN! NOW, GET YOUR BUTTS THE HELL BACK THERE BEFORE I REALLY GET MAD! AND NO BACK TALK! SO WE JUMP OUT OF THIS. THAT'S HIM? YEAH. YEAH. GOT TO GO OUT ON A LIMB. LET'S GO. LET'S GET HIM. UH! WHERE'D HE GO? HEY, HOW COME WE HAVEN'T HIT THE GROUND YET? PHYSICS. WAY TO ZING THERE, OFFICER. VERY, VERY NICE SHOOTING, OFFICER. AH! HA! EASY! HEY, EASY! KNOCK 'EM OFF! EXCELLENT SHOOTING! EXCELLENT! NOW, OFFICER, YOU NEED TO SHARE THOSE WEAPONS WITH THE OTHER OFFICERS. NO! I NEED THESE! LET ME TALK TO HIM. EUGENE. EUGENE! I'LL GET YOU SOME OF YOUR VERY OWN JUST AS SOON AS WE GET HOME. YOU PROMISE? CROSS MY HEART. O.K. GOOD. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. THANK YOU. UH, EUGENE? THIS ONE, TOO. (FLY BUZZES) WATCH IT! HEY! (APPLAUSE) LET'S GO. HEY! THANK YOU. LET'S GO, GUYS. EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME. MAY I HAVE AN INTERVIEW, PLEASE? ON 3, 2, 1, GUYS. HELLO, AND YOU ARE? CAPTAIN THADDEUS HARRIS OF THE METROPOLITAN POLICE DEPARTMENT. ONLY A CAPTAIN? CUT. OUT OF HERE. OH, HE'S NOBODY. YEAH, HE LOOKS LIKE THE WAITER. SIR-- NOT A WORD, PROCTOR. BUT-- EH! SIR-- EH! ALL RIGHT. O.K. OUR 24 HOURS ARE ALMOST GONE. WE GOT TO GET THAT CAMERA BACK NOW! EH, WHY DO WE NEED FIVE GUYS TO TAKE A CAMERA FROM ONE OLD MAN? BELIEVE ME, IT AIN'T THAT EASY. YEAH. ALL RIGHT, BOYS, I WANT YOU TO TRY THIS ONE ON FOR SIZE. LET'S JUST SAY WE HAPPEN TO BE PASSIN' BY, AND THE POOR OLD GUY, HE HAPPENS TO FAINT, HUH? MOUSE, SUGAR, THEY HAPPEN TO CATCH HIM. THEY SET HIM DOWN ON THE GROUND, HUH? MAYBE THEY OPEN HIS COLLAR, HUH? MAYBE THEY SLIP THAT NASTY CAMERA OFF HIS NECK. THAT'S A GREAT PLAN, BOSS. VERY GOOD, EH? IF THE OLD MAN FAINTS. HEY, HEY! (SNAPS) HE'LL FAINT. JULIO WILL MAKE SURE OF THAT, RIGHT? GO ON, JULIO. SHOW THEM. WE'LL GIVE HIM A SHOT, MAKE HIM GO NIGHT-NIGHT. HEY, THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD PLAN, BOSS. BOSS, THAT'S GREAT. ALL RIGHT. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. ALL RIGHT. COME ON. COME ON, COME ON. (SNAP, SNAP) COME ON, SUGAR. WE ONLY HAVE ABOUT 10 MORE MINUTES OF THIS. LASSARD, CONGRATULATIONS. THANK YOU SO MUCH. COMMISSIONER. LET ME JUST... THERE YOU GO. COMMISSIONER, COMMISSIONER, COULD I GET A PICTURE OF YOU CONGRATULATING COMMANDANT LASSARD? OF COURSE. CERTAINLY, YES. THANK YOU. PHOTO OPPORTUNITY. STAY. AHH... THANK YOU. PERFECT! OH! UH! COMMANDANT, I JUST WANT TO SAY HELLO AND CONGRATULATIONS. WE'LL GET HIM NEXT TIME, BOSS. WE'LL SEE TO IT. DON'T WORRY. WE'LL GET HIM. IT WASN'T OUR FAULT. EXCUSE ME. WOULD YOU JUST GIVE ME MY DAMN CAMERA? MY CAMERA? GIVE ME MY DAMN CAMERA! OH, WHAT ARE THOSE? DIAMONDS. YOU BROKE MY CAMERA. DIAMONDS! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! NOBODY MOVE, OR THE OLD MAN IS HISTORY. BOSS? WHAT? WHAT? UH...UH, ALL RIGHT. I WANT TO SEE HANDS IN THE AIR. EVERYBODY'S HANDS UP. NOW! HANDS UP! PICK HIM UP. I WANT EVERYBODY WHERE I CAN SEE THEM. GET THE DIAMONDS! GET THE DIAMONDS! OH, I SEE. A POLICE PROCEDURE DEMONSTRATION. A KIDNAPPING. HOW ORIGINAL. OH, I AM HONOURED. SHUT UP, OLD MAN. YES, OF COURSE. I'M SORRY. NOW, WE MAKE FOR THE ELEVATOR. ANYBODY GETS STUPID, HE GETS FILLED FULL OF HOLES. POLICE! FREEZE! COVER ME UP TOP! LET'S GO! I'M GOING OVER HERE. ALL RIGHT! RELEASE YOUR HOSTAGE! PUT YOUR WEAPONS ON THE GROUND, AND SLOWLY PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR. WELL SAID! THAT'S MY NEPHEW. SHUT UP, OLD MAN. O.K., MISTER. HANDS UP! HI. NOBODY'S GONNA SHOOT, NOT WHILE I GOT GRANDPA HERE, RIGHT, JUNIOR? MOUSE, SUGAR, GET IN THE ELEVATOR! HEY, NOBODY MOVE! NA-YAH, HE'S BLUFFING. RIGHT? RIGHT? RIGHT? SMART BOY! HE WAS BLUFFING! HE WAS BLUFFING! HE WAS BLUFFING, BOSS. HE WAS BLUFFING. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. WHAT FLOOR? WHAT FLOOR? UH-UH. WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THIS FLOOR? I DON'T MEAN TO INTERFERE, BUT THE COMMISSIONERS ARE ALL DOWNSTAIRS. I WOULD USE THE PENTHOUSE. IT'S VERY DEFENSIBLE. YOU'RE ALL WELCOME TO USE MY SUITE. ALLOW ME. (HUMMING 'LA CUCARACHA') (STOPS HUMMING) (FLATULENCE) (SNIFFING) WHAT? WHAT? AH, HERE WE ARE. (EXHALING) OH! (FLATULENCE) ALL RIGHT. I'M READY. SNAP IT UP WITH THOSE BLUEPRINTS! WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY! HERE YOU ARE, SIR. THANK YOU. (CLICKING) TACKLEBERRY, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT? SORRY, SIR. ALL RIGHT. OK. ALL RIGHT. NOW, THEY'RE GONNA GIVE US ANYTHING WE WANT, SO ALL WE GOT TO DO IS FIGURE OUT THE FASTEST WAY TO DEMPSEY'S BOAT. I'M THIRSTY, BOSS. DO YOU GOT ANY BOOZE AROUND HERE, OLD MAN? CERTAINLY. YOU'LL FIND THE BAR VERY WELL-STOCKED. THANKS. I THINK THERE MIGHT STILL BE SOME ICE CREAM LEFT IN THE FREEZER. THANKS. YOU'RE REALLY A GOOD HOST. YOU'RE VERY WELCOME. HEY! HEY! HEY! DO YOU MIND? I MEAN, SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO PLAN OUR ESCAPE HERE. UH, SORRY, BOSS. SO, WE ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO NEED A BOAT AT THE HARBOUR. AND... AND WE ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO NEED A FAST CAR AT THE HOTEL BACK ENTRANCE. UH-UH. WHAT? WHAT? WITH THE ROOF SO ACCESSIBLE, YOU'D BE A FOOL NOT TO ASK FOR A HELICOPTER. HA! HELICOPTER? WHAT A STUPID IDEA! NO...HE'S RIGHT. WE'D BE A SITTING DUCK IN THAT CAR. THE CHOPPER IS A GREAT IDEA. HMM. SO, WE TAKE THE CHOPPER TO THE HARBOUR. THEN? THEN WE SWITCH TO THE BOAT! UH-UH. WHAT? YOU DON'T LIKE THE BOAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I HAVE TO GO TO THE LITTLE BOY'S ROOM. NO! THIS IS A KIDNAPPING! IT'S NOT A KINDERGARTEN! BOSS, HE DID THINK OF THE HELICOPTER. UH, YEAH. COME ON, BOSS. HUH? ALL RIGHT! FINE! BUT MAKE IT QUICK. WE GOT A PHONE CALL TO MAKE HERE. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. NAH. ALL WE CAN DO NOW IS WAIT UNTIL WE HEAR THEIR DEMANDS. WELL, I'M AFRAID YOU'RE RIGHT. ALL WE CAN DO NOW IS WAIT. (SNORING) WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE WAKE HARRIS UP? (CLANG) HE'S THINKING. (CLANG) (CLICKING) HERE WE GO. COME ON. OPEN UP. BIG 'AH.' BIG 'AH.' TACKLEBERRY! (GUNSHOT) (TELEPHONE RINGS) WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT? SORRY, SIR. INCOMING CALL FOR YOU, SIR. (RING) HELLO. ALL RIGHT. LISTEN UP! LISTEN UP! I WANT A HELICOPTER WITH PILOT ON THE ROOF OF THIS HOTEL. AND... AND I WANT A FAST BOAT WAITING FOR ME IN THE HARBOUR. AHA. ALL GOES WELL, I SEE NO COPS, I HAND THE OLD MAN BACK TO YOU AT THE 12 MILE MARK OFF OF KEY WEST JUST AS SOON AS WE'RE SAFE IN INTERNATIONAL WATERS. WE WANT SOME PROOF THAT LASSARD IS STILL ALIVE. AH, YOUR BUDDIES WANT TO TALK TO YOU. OH! HELLO? COMMANDANT LASSARD? OH, COMMISSIONER HURST, HOW NICE OF YOU TO CALL. I DO HOPE THAT YOU DO YOUR BEST TO RESCUE ME. IT'LL ONLY MAKE THE WHOLE THING ALL THE MORE EXCITING. DON'T WORRY, UNCLE ERIC. WE'LL GET YOU OUT OF THIS. ALL RIGHT! HE'S ALIVE! HOW LONG DEPENDS ON YOU! I THINK, IN HIS OWN WAY, LASSARD IS TELLING US THAT HE'D RATHER RISK HIS OWN LIFE THAN LET THOSE ANIMALS GET AWAY. BRAVE MAN. SIR? I REALIZE THAT THIS IS YOUR JURISDICTION, BUT IF THERE'S GOING TO BE A RESCUE ATTEMPT, WE'D LIKE TO VOLUNTEER. YES! YEAH! COMMISSIONER MURDOCK, I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. I THINK IT'S VITAL THAT THE RESCUE TEAM KNOW COMMANDANT LASSARD INTIMATELY. NOW, I CAN VOUCH FOR THE SKILL OF THESE POLICE OFFICERS. AFTER ALL, I TRAINED THEM MYSELF. IT MUST BE THE DRUGS. ALL RIGHT, NOW, THIS IS THE FLOOR WHERE LASSARD IS BEING HELD HOSTAGE. CAPTAIN HARRIS? YES. ALL RIGHT, GENTLEMEN. THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO. YOU WILL DO IT EXACTLY AS I TELL YOU TO DO IT. (DING) (DING) (DING) YOU'VE TUNED TO LARVELL JONES ON THE K.W.U.R.S.T. RADIO. AND NOW...THE LOVE DOCTOR. I WANT YOU TO COME HERE, BABY. AH! YOU AND ME. YEAH, ALL THE WAY. COME ON DOWN. LET'S GET DOWN, BABY, BECAUSE I NEED YOU. AND THAT CONCLUDES OUR BROADCAST DAY. YEAH. AHH... OOOOOOOOH! (BREATHING HEAVILY) WHY COME I GOT THE PART WITH THE STEPS? I OFFERED YOU THE VENT. UH-UH. NO. LET'S GO. OHH. HEY! OOH! NICE, KATE. WATCH THIS. HA-HA! OH! UH! KATE. (HOOKS) A WOMAN'S WORK IS NEVER DONE! COME ON! WELL, THAT WENT OFF WITHOUT A HITCH. WHERE IS EVERYBODY? I DON'T GET IT. THE CHOPPER'S HERE ALREADY! IT WASN'T SUPPOSE TO BE HERE FOR AN HOUR! SOMEONE CHANGED THEIR PLANS. YEAH, HARRIS. YOUR PLAN WAS BRILLIANT, SIR. THANK YOU, PROCTOR. BY GIVING THOSE INCOMPETENTS THE DIVERSIONARY PART OF THIS MISSION, I'VE LEFT THE REAL RESCUE TO THE EXPERIENCED OFFICERS, NAMELY, MOI. I WILL RESCUE LASSARD, AND I'LL GET A PROMOTION AND A MEDAL. FREEZE! WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED. THIS IS THE POLICE. WELL DONE, HARRIS! IT WAS MY PLEASURE, SIR. NOW, EVERYONE, DROP YOUR GUNS! NOW! PROCTOR GET DOWN THERE AND PICK THEM UP. YES, SIR. NO, PROCTOR, NO. THE LA-- USE THE LADDER! THE LADDER! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! COME ON! GIVE HIM TO ME. GIVE HIM TO ME. THAT'S RIGHT. HANDS UP, OR YOU GOT ONE DEAD DORK! NICE TWIST. THEY'RE REALLY GOING ALL OUT THIS YEAR, AREN'T THEY? GET THESE GUYS TO THE CHOPPER. ALL RIGHT! I'M GOING TO MY BOAT. TELL YOUR PEOPLE, I SEE ONE PLANE, ONE CHOPPER, ONE BOAT BEFORE WE REACH OUR RENDEZVOUS, THESE GUYS ARE SHARK BAIT! YOU GOT IT? HUH? WHERE'S HARRIS? THEY KIDNAPPED HIM, TOO. FROM NOW ON, WE DO IT OUR WAY. WE'RE GOING TO NEED SOME MORE INFORMATION. WELL? I DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'. OH, I SEE. WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, PARTNER. DON'T TELL ME. TELL HIM. AND THEN--AND THEN THE BOSS SAID TO WAIT HERE WHILE HE CHECKED ON THE CHOPPER. AND--AND THEN YOU GUYS SHOWED UP. AND THAT'S ALL I KNOW. I SWEAR. I SWEAR. I SWEAR IT. I'LL TELL THE OTHERS. CAN I DROP YOU SOMEWHERE? OH, NO, NO! OH! I'M GOING DOWN NOW. O.K., BOSS. NOW, YOU CONCENTRATE. KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE WHEEL! I WILL, BOSS. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. I'M COMING. I'M COMING OUT. AND THAT ENDED MY FIRST CAREER. THEN, WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD, I GOT A JOB AS A BOX BOY AT THE A&P. THAT WAS A VERY, VERY EXCITING TIME FOR ME. (GROANS) I HAD MANY, MANY, MANY INTERESTING EXPERIENCES. ONE DAY, AS I WAS STACKING CANNED VEGETABLES-- I THINK IT WAS PETITS POIS. NO, NO, NO. CREAMED CORN, OR WAS IT MAYBE, SUCCOTASH? (GROANING) I CAN'T QUITE REMEMBER. EXCUSE ME. OH, EXCUSE ME. IS THERE ANY POSSIBILITY THAT I COULD BE HELD HOSTAGE BY MYSELF? OUTSIDE WOULD BE FINE. I DON'T MIND THE BREEZE. WHAT'S THE MATTER, YOU'RE NOT ENJOYING YOURSELF HERE? MM-MM. DON'T YOU WORRY YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD ABOUT IT. YOU'RE GOING TO BE OUT OF YOUR MISERY IN NO TIME. WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT-- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? MY BOSS' BOAT IS WAITING FOR ME. SOON AS WE MEET UP WITH HIM, I'LL SINK THIS BABY... WITH YOU IN IT. YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS, YOU TWO-BIT FILTHY SCUM! WHAT'D HE CALL ME? SCUM. WELL, PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO LEAVE NOW. MOUSE. HA-HA-HA! ABOUT THAT FILTHY SCUM COMMENT... SHUT UP, SHARK BAIT. SHARK BAIT? HEY, SHUT UP! WHAT STRATEGY! ARE YOU QUITE SURE WE DIDN'T MEET AT THE TORONTO CONVENTION IN '76? YOU ARE ONE NUTTY OLD MAN. HEY, SUG, HOW'S IT GOIN'? WE'RE GETTING PRETTY CLOSE, BOSS. UH, BOSS? HUH? WELL, MR. DEMPSEY SHOULD BE PLENTY PROUD OF YOU, BOSS. YOU GOT THE DIAMONDS BACK. YOU DID IT! YEAH. I DID IT. I DID IT. HA-HA-HA! I DID IT! THROW OUT THE LINE! GOT IT. MR. DEMPSEY. YOUR MERCHANDISE, SIR. YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, TONY. FINISH YOUR BUSINESS FIRST, THEN BRING THE DIAMONDS OVER, AND LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. I--MR. DEMPSEY, UH... THE DORK I DON'T MIND, BUT, UH... THE OLD MAN... NO WITNESSES. DON'T DISAPPOINT ME AGAIN. YES, SIR. SHIT. SORRY, MOUSE. HE WOULDN'T GO FOR IT. EXCUSE ME. COULD I SAY SOMETHING? SURE. DON'T KILL ME. I WON'T TELL ON YOUR GANG. I WON'T SAY A WORD. YOU CAN TRUST ME. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. I'LL SHOOT YOU SECOND. THANKS. I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT THIS HAS BEEN A SPLENDID KIDNAPPING. WELL, THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. AND I MEAN THIS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. YOU HAVE BEEN ONE OUTSTANDING HOSTAGE. OH, MY PLEASURE. NO, I MEAN IT. NOW I GOT TO KILL YOU. I UNDERSTAND. NOTHING PERSONAL. JUST BUSINESS. (SINGING 'RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES') WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? TAKE CARE OF THEM. OUT OF MY WAY, DIRT BAG! SHIT! ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. YOU AND SUGAR TAKE THE WEENIE FOR A HOSTAGE. I GOT THE OLD MAN. COME ON, OLD MAN! THIS WAY! COME ON! COME ON! HURRY UP! HURRY UP! GET HIM! TAKE HIM OUT! WATCH OUT! WATCH IT! NOW, WHICH ONE OF YOU GUYS WAS RESISTING ARREST? NOT ME. ME, NEITHER. UNCLE ERIC! COME ON, TACKLEBERRY! WE NEED SOME HELP! UP AHEAD, HIGHTOWER! HEY. KEEP IT STEADY, MOSE! GET READY TO JUMP! O.K.! GO! ARE YOU O.K.? WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN? WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG? I HAD TO CHANGE CLOTHES. WHERE'D YOU GET THOSE FUNNY-LOOKING CLOTHES? WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL! YEAH? AH! OOH! OOH! (DISPATCHER) ALL UNITS MAINTAIN YOUR POSITIONS UNTIL TOLD OTHERWISE. OVER THAT WAY! STEADY! YOU GOT IT! BOMBS AWAY! HERE I COME! GERONIMOOOOOOO! UH-OH! UH-OH! OOH! UH! HA-HA-HA! FASTER, FASTER! I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN! YOU'RE IN TROUBLE NOW. IT'S A DEAD END. LOOK OUT, OLD MAN! AAH! WELL DONE! LOOK OUT! AAH! UH! YO! EEEEEE! THEY PROBABLY THINK THEY GOT US! I THINK WE GOT 'EM! THERE'S NO WAY OUT. THERE'S NO WAY OUT! LOOK OUT! HERE HE COMES! AAH! WELL DONE! IT'S NOTHING! LET'S JUST GET HIM! CAPTAIN HARRIS! OH, SERGEANT. I, UH, I WAS LOCKED IN HERE DURING THE FIGHTING. UH...CARRY ON! YES, SIR! MOVE IT, MOVE IT! NOW, LET'S GET THESE FELONS TIED UP AND INTO POLICE CUSTODY. PROCTOR! WHERE IS PROCTOR? I'M COMING, SIR. UH! HERE I COME! PROCTOR! PROCTOR! AAH! I DID THAT. I'M SORRY, SIR. MY FAULT! MY FAULT! IT DIDN'T HURT. DIDN'T HURT. DON'T JUST STAND THERE. GET ME OUT OF HERE! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT! LOOK OUT! GATOR! AAH! THAT GATOR BETTER WATCH OUT. ROLL HIM OVER! ROLL HIM OVER, HIGHTOWER! NO! ALL RIGHT! THANK YOU. OH, HIGHTOWER! HEY, HEY! STAY WHERE YOU ARE! I STILL GOT THE OLD MAN. UNCLE ERIC, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? THIS IS AWESOME! IT'S THE BEST PROCEDURE DEMONSTRATION IN HISTORY! UNCLE ERIC, THOSE ARE REAL CROOKS. OH! WELL, IN THAT CASE... UH! NOTHING PERSONAL. JUST BUSINESS. HA! (BAND PLAYS) AFTER CAPTURING THE MAL-ANKH-EE DIAMOND THIEVES AND BRINGING THEM TO JUSTICE, THESE OFFICERS HAVE BEEN CITED FOR MEDALS OF HONOUR BY THE CITY OF MIAMI. YAY! YAY! IN ADDITION, ONE OFFICER SELFLESSLY AND AT THE RISK OF HIS LIFE SAVED CAPTAIN HARRIS FROM CERTAIN DEATH. HE IS SERGEANT MOSES HIGHTOWER. LET THEM HAVE THEIR LITTLE MOMENT. WE KNOW WHO WILL HAVE THE LAST LAUGH. UH, YES, WE DO, COMMANDANT HARRIS. FOR HIS REMARKABLE RECORD, THIS DEPARTMENT IS PROUD TO PROMOTE SERGEANT HIGHTOWER TO LIEUTENANT HIGHTOWER! I THINK IT IS FITTING THAT LIEUTENANT HIGHTOWER RECEIVE HIS BARS FROM THE VERY OFFICER WHOSE LIFE HE SAVED-- CAPTAIN HARRIS. YOU DORK. (NEIGH) PFFT. CONGRATULATIONS, LIEUTENANT HIGHTOWER. (WHISTLING) IT HAS BEEN A GREAT, GREAT PLEASURE SERVING YOU AS COMMANDANT OF THIS ACADEMY. I'LL MISS YOU ALL. FAREWELL. GODSPEED. AND THANK YOU. NOTHING COULD PLEASE ME MORE THAN WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY. THE GOVERNOR AND I WISH THAT ERIC LASSARD CONTINUE AS COMMANDANT OF THIS ACADEMY UNTIL SUCH TIME AS HE SEES FIT TO RETIRE HIMSELF. OH, NO! AAH! (BOOM!) (BAND PLAYS) Captioned by the National Captioning Institute Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.