- I'm so happy you finally brought her here to meet me. - You seem nice. - The Clantons are in Purgatory. - An eye for an eye. - Doc, I think they killed Billy. - I've been marked. - I'm tired of this fight. - People can change. - Come to Mama. Hey, sexy. - My ancestors will devour her. (SCREAMS) (gunshot) - I guess you and that gun deserve each other. - Nicole Haught, will you marry me? - Yes, I will marry you. (LIGHT COUNTRY MUSIC) (TRAIN HORN BLARES) # I'm free as the breeze # And I do as I please # And I do what I want to do # I go where I want # - Get a room! I mean it, like, legit, they're three feet from you and cost less than a dental dam. - (SINGS) Time's up, beast. (suspenseful music) - (BOTH) Holy shit. - I see you found your gun. - And my mojo. Make your peace, Amon. # Cos I gave you all I got to give # I know that ain't no way to live # I told that devil to take you back # I told that devil to take you back # Captions by Able. - To the happily engaged couple! (BOTTLE POPS, CHEERS) (ALL LAUGH) - Again! - Hey! It took me weeks to find that couch. - To Nicole and Waverly. May you grow old on one pillow. Cheers. - Don't squander the eloquence now. The real engagement party's tomorrow. - Alas, I must send my regrets. - What? - You're not coming? - But here is another toast. To all the kisses we have snatched, and vice versa. - Oh, my God. - (CLEARS THROAT) Beg pardon. Sometimes in a bar, a gentleman forgets himself. - I'd like to forget that. - Hm. You know what helps? Mindless labour. Why don't we get more ice? - It's been over a month. You have to come. This thing with Wynonna, it's just another blip. - Yeah, well not to me, it's not. - Really making a go of this, huh? - Uh, well I don't have much choice. Turns out Chrissy invested my entire pension into this old gal. - OK, but you have to get some real staff to help you out, all right? - Hey, where's Wynonna? I really need you two to take care of this basement business. Imagine that people found out I've got a teenage killer Reaper down there? They're mad enough I took potato skins off the menu. - Did you tell that little glow stick of yours that you wouldn't have found it if I hadn't helped? - It says that, uh... a monster who knows all the goss is still a monster. - Well, this monster isn't hurting anyone. - I'll bet you Bambi's got a different take. - Bambi's food. And unless you faint at the sight of sausages or that jacket of yours is made of rare zucchini leather, you can't judge me. - Except, I've never donned a... What is that? A lobster bib for leather queens? - If I don't wear it, my dry-cleaning bills are a bitch. (UNSETTLING MUSIC) - It's just good to remember... that I can kill you. Any time I want. - (CHUCKLES) Who told you my kink? (EERIE MUSIC) - (CHUCKLES) Mmm... We back, honey. - Back in Valdosa, my uncle Thomas, he taught me to woodwork. Should you wish to be married beneath an arbour, it would be my honour to build you one. As a gift. - Doc! You're going to make me cry. - Well, slap my ass and call me the sister-in-law. Except you. You're not allowed to participate in the slapping of ass. - Congratulations... again. - You didn't warn me you were partying with The Lame Ranger. - Where have you been? We called hours ago. - Been a little busy. - Oh yeah? Too busy to celebrate your sister's engagement? - No! I was busy... making plans to celebrate. Intricate, planny... plans. - Really? - Yeah. - Oh yeah? What kind? - The bachelorette. Girls' night out! (HEAVY CLUB MUSIC) (WOMEN CHEER) - This isn't a girls' night out. This is ladies' night. - I didn't know it would be male strippers. - Oh yeah? Didn't come up when you were making your planny plans? - Hey! Giuseppe! This bride needs a delivery - No. Stop. Stop! - Come bring the soppressata! - Another bride! - Uh, no, I'm not a bride. - But I am her fiancee. - Cute! Love the lob, girl. - Shots? - Oh... - My bridal party bailed to go to Bible study. (CHUCKLES) - Well, it is noon on a Sunday. (WOMEN CHEER) - Come on. - OK. Oh! - (SIGHS) Yep! Definitely time to get that hot ginger off the market. - As if you have anything to worry about. Everybody loves Waverly Earp. Nobody's gonna steal your sunshine. - Yeah, well, Nicole wants to do it ASAP anyway. Maybe just at City Hall. - But how will the sparrows weave your gown that quickly? - It's her second. She wasn't even a fancy wedding person the first time. - Yeah, but you've had bridal scrapbooks since you were ten. Just tell her what you want, baby girl. You deserve it. - (OVER SPEAKER) Tie down those saddlebags, the West is getting wild! Welcome... Demetri! (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS, WOMEN CHEER) - Oh baby, you should smile more. You'd be prettier! - Reverse sexism is still sexism, Wynonna. - Fine. Show us your big... personality! - I know him. (BELL DINGS) - One bourbon, on the rocks. - You get juice. Kid your age should be in school. - (CHUCKLES) Pass. I have nightmares about school. I end up naked in front of an assembly, forgetting the words to the National Anthem. - Hmm. There'd be other kids your age to hang out with. - Yeah, last time I tried that, didn't turn out so well. - Billy Clanton. - I didn't know he was a Clanton. - I don't blame people for doing what they do when they don't know what that is. - Like when you were a barnacle beast and totally ate Nicole's cat? Sorry. I... I get weird when I spend too much time at the homestead. Alone. - Well... I need a bar back. You clean up, you follow my rules, you don't drink the booze, you never go in the basement, and you never, ever... mention the cat again. - I swear on the bones of Calamity Jane. That was the last time. - OK. Well, Rachel... welcome to Team Shorty's. - Yay! - (LAUGHS) (CLUB MUSIC) (WOMEN CHEER) - Butterball, Horn Dog, Blowjob! - Oh! What is Friday night at my ex's? - Ding! You win a shot! Aye. - Aye, aye, aye. - You know, I would take it over another night with my ex. Oh, yeah. Smug moustache... Lectures on my morality... - (LAUGHS) - Grabbing me like I'm a mustang he's gonna break. - Only that lightning fast hands down my pants before I can even wish he... Ugh! - I'd tell you to move on to women, but they're just as bad. Love is like the Tooth Fairy. - Never pays as well as you think? - It don't exist! And I know! I've tried it all. I'm pan. - Pan I buy you another drink? - Uh... - Drinks, pink, purple, blue, what you got? - No love is real. - (SCOFFS) - I know that for a fact, because I am a love professional. - Love might be the only thing that's real. Nicole died for me. And I would kill for her. And if you can't feel that much, then I'm sorry for you. Truly. - You wanna bet on it? - What, that love is real? I don't know how we could prove who won, but... sure. - (CHUCKLES) Tell your sister she is a delightful lunatic. And Godspeed spreading all that totally real love through the world. - And good luck with your strippering. (CURIOUS MUSIC) (MAGICAL SPARKLES) - Well, with Sheriff Holt and his sister gone, there's no one here to man the store. - Will there even be marriage license applications? - Usually they're here. - Mm, baby. - Hi. (GIGGLES) - Hey, have you thought maybe... a suit? For the wedding? - What did I do? - No, no, nothing. You did nothing. It's just... the public stuff. I just feel like what we have is... between us, you know, babe? It's ours. - Nicole, there's nobody here. - Yeah, no. Just me and the Lord. And that curling trophy. - Bunny Loblaw? - Ms. Haught. Good to see you still know where the police station is. - Well, I'm not your sheriff anymore, Bunny. And we're here on personal business. - Oh, let me guess. You want to institute Flannel Fridays, and oh, maybe a few more off-leash dog parks? - Well, I'm a cat person. - Oh, I remember that homicidal puss. - Uh, is there someone else we should be bothering with this request? - Hmm... Mm-mm. I am a one-woman volunteer city hall in a town of scofflaws. (MAGICAL SPARKLES) - Scofflaws? - Scofflaws! Layabouts! (WHISPERS) Lesbians. (ETHEREAL MUSIC) - My God, Waverly, you are so beautiful. Have you always been this beautiful before? - Uh... How long will it take to get a license? - God, like, you're hot! You are like the wildest combination of sweet and hot. - The Clayborns... - Clantons. - Well, they've disappeared. And without a magistrate, I cannot guarantee a quick turnaround. - Oh, you're like honey mustard. I wanna spread you all over a pretzel. - Sorry. - No, no, no! You do not do that in here! This is not a soccer locker room! - Listen, you have to afford us the same rights as any other couple. Look, I do not want to fight, but I will if I have to. Stop. - Fine. Oh, please. - Thank you, Ms. Loblaw. You have got to go home. I don't know what that was, but I do not need it on my next errand! - What do you mean, I can't come with you? - Take seven cold showers and only think about Band of Brothers. - Ugh! - Can I shut this for you? (MAGICAL SPARKLES) (ETHEREAL MUSIC) - Anything you want. Oh... - It's apple. - OK? - In China, the word for apple is 'ping', which is also a homonym for peace. - Peace? Your sister is killing my business by killing my customers. - And I will mention that to her. Anyway... I went to pick up a marriage application today. - Was little Cleo Clanton in the office? - The magistrate? - Mm-hm. - Nope. - Something big happened over on their ranch awhile back. Margo Clanton is one bitch of a witch. Only something spectacular could've taken her out. Why don't you cut to the chase? - I want to choose a date, but my fiancee is nervous because of... well, all the... yous... around. If I could tell her there was a day that we'd been promised a truce, that would help a ton. Just one day of... ping! That was weird. - (SIGHS) (MAGICAL SPARKLES) (ETHEREAL MUSIC) - Waverly Earp... I will fight for you to have peace for all your days. - Just the one will be peachy. Thanks. Ah... - What did happen with you and Mam Clanton? (SOFT EERIE MUSIC) - I don't remember. I only touched her. Could that have killed her? - You are powerful. - But all I want is to be happy. I'm engaged. I'm in love. I want that for everyone. Including you. - I know, little lamb. But we need to know what happened to Holt's sister. - Maybe Cleo's happy too. - Maybe somebody should find out. - (GASPS) Oh, I missed you! What took you so long? - What was that, at the police station? - I... love you... so much. It's like I'm full of love lava, and it wants to burst out of my skin. I'm Mount Haught. - OK, you were extra standoffish until Bunny appeared. And then, you turned into a horny octopus! - Baby, I'm gonna die if you're angry. Hey! Look! Hey! (CHUCKLES) - Are you possessed again? - What? Ow! No! Baby, it's just that... It's your wedding. It should have everything that you want. You want costume changes! Or, oh! Sky writing! - Are you making fun of me? - We should release doves. (CAR HORN HONKS) Or butterflies. And we need to nail down a wedding hashtag, like, stat! - Someone's here. I should... - No, but... Hey, hey! What about WaveNic? Or Heatwave? (GASPS) Wayhaught! No, that's ridiculous. - You cannot marry Nicole Haught! - OK, that's enough. Get your homophobia off my homestead. - I know I am an inexperienced gay. In fact, I haven't really gayed at all... But I raided every single craft store, and I got you these... faux-ses. Because, Waverly Earp, I love you. - (stammers) Nope! Nope. A whole bunch of nopes. - Oh, oh, oh! - OK? I'll call you. - But you don't even have my number. - I definitely do. - No, no, no, you don't! - Yeah, thanks for coming by! - You look so pretty. You know, I have an old copy of Bend It Like Beckham. We can watch it together! (LIGHT MUSIC) I want you to have these. - Bunny Loblaw's hot for you? - It's gotta be a... prank? - Girl. You can get it. Nobody wants that it, but you can get it. - How? Why am I suddenly everybody's thing? - Because it's a day that ends in Y. - Or I made one hell of a bad bet. - (SNIFFS GROANS) Loblaw's into your flaming ladybug. - Stop. - (GIGGLES) Ooh! That stone-cold battle-axe wants you to pat the Bunny! - It's not funny. What if there's something seriously wrong with her? - Baby girl, what's wrong with Bunbun... is she's a homophobic hoe, and you fixed it with your magical coochie! - Stop! - Honestly, I am in awe! Maybe it's that thing where somebody gets taken off the market, and is suddenly more appealing. - Still doesn't explain how Bunny's suddenly moved to Sapphic City. And today has had an extra serving of whackadoo. No, first... Nicole was all over me with triple X PDA. And then, I went to talk to that Amon. He acted like we were on a fantasy overnight episode of The Bachelorette. - (GROANS) There it is! - What? - It's always a demon. - Oh, no, no, it can't be. I saw Bunny first. - I'll take care of him. You stay here. - No, I'm coming. I have another theory. (SOFT EERIE MUSIC) (FLIES BUZZ) - Lord Almighty. Who is here? I will give you until the count of five. One... Two... (GUN CLICKS) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Five. - You here to kill me? (SOFT MUSIC) - I promised your brother I would not. - But I want you to. Please. Just make the whole thing end. (CRIES) - We need to tend to whatever's left of your mother. - I can't! I need her to tell me what to do next. - You need to snap out of whatever this is. (MAGICAL SPARKLES) (ETHEREAL MUSIC) - Are you fixing to flood the whole damn county with them tears, love? Seeing a girl cry will break any man's heart. But when that girl is brave, tenacious, and fierce? Well... You're nearly tearing this outlaw's heart in two. - (CHUCKLES) Well, fuck me, that was hot. - Hey, elk dicker! Get your animal eating ass out here. - In future, you could start with hello. - Hello. Fawn Fucker. - I'm not a zoophile. - Beware koalas, I hear they all have chlamydia. (MAGICAL SPARKLES) (ETHEREAL MUSIC) - That word too big for you? I don't sleep with animals. - Would you consider a slightly oversexed gunslinger? I give great... (INHALES) ...everything. (KNOCKS) - Don't look! You'll fall for me! - Someone's been reading her daily affirmation cards. - It's for your own protection. - I can't fall in love. - Because you don't believe in it? - Because I am immune to the spell. - (GASPS) I knew you did it! - Mmm, ooh! - Demetri, I never actually bet you anything. Stop making everyone gaga over me! - Well, they shouldn't be falling for you. Not if you're doing it right. - Wait... I'm doing it? You said you were a love professional. At first I thought that was some new woke term for strippers, but then, I realised. How did you do this to me? - Ugh, honestly, girl, don't you ever do your laundry? Check your pockets. As far as spells go, it's stupid easy. Decide who you think should fall in love, and then, flick a little of your secret sauce on 'em. - Ew. Don't say secret sauce. - Only tricky part is... make sure the flickee sees the target you want them to fall for immediately. Because they're all in on the first person they see. - All in? - I will not sleep with you. - Why? Because I'm the Earp heir? Come here! - Because I love Waverly! (TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS) - (STAMMERS) What? - She's just, she's so pure, and she's so genuine. She's so much cuter than the cutest of buttons. - Since when is that your thing? - Right? I mean, Doc is usually at the top of my lust chart. I mean, the man is a universal arousal architect. - No, I am! I am! - But the heart is a demanding master. And mine only wants your sister. - My engagement party is tonight. I can't do this job. I don't want to. - That's why I moved into delivery. Better tips, better hours, and you're allowed to eat the fries that fall out of the bag. - Also, this spell ignores consent! - You know... You moderns are so single-minded. There's all kinds of love. Sex doesn't enter the equation unless that's what the client really wants. Mm-mm. - What if I bury the glitter and just go? - Cupids... can only quit if they pass it on by choice. - A Cupid? Those were wing scars. - I had them removed. So over the top. - You were a Cupid and you stopped believing in love? - Oh, also... Be prepared to keep explaining why you're not a fat baby. You know, stereotypes! Ta-ta! - So you're saying that's how you spread the love, with that little jar of sparkles? - Yeah, I have to figure out a way to responsibly pass it on. I... I can't skip my own party! Nicole has a surprise for me. I'm scared. - (SNICKERS) Fifty bucks says she got your name tattooed across her boobs. Which are so great, right? - What did you call her boobs? - I'm not in love with her, don't freak. I'm just... making sure that you are... still... into boobs, generally. - Wynonna? - Yes? - You sure you haven't had any love zombie symptoms? - Nope. Nothing but net. - Hmm. Maybe you're resistant to the spell. - More like looked in the mirror and fell for the actual hottest woman around. - Good Golden Globes! You know Doc's not coming, right? - (SCOFFS) Who? Listen, the only problem you really have is... people adore you, which must be so hard. Can I borrow some mascara? - Yeah, sure. - Listen, just leave that glitter shit here. It'll be safe, and we'll find a fat baby to curse tomorrow. Oops! - (SIGHS) OK. Hey. - Hey! - Shall we go celebrate? - (GASPS) I am so ready. The big guns are locked and loaded. - Hi everyo` Oaah! - Hello, fiancee, who is marrying me. Welcome to our engagement party. - Bunny! I wasn't expecting you. - Yeah, nice blazer. - You didn't call. I got two phones with the exact same number so I didn't miss you. - And Amon too! - Well, your sister mentioned` - Ow! - ...the party, and I thought... maybe I might be of service. - Raise your hand if you need servicing. - I'd like to hit that. - Uh... - Bunny? Come with me. - This is your sister's engagement party. Did you have to go full on whore? - I do look great. Nedley? Get Bunny a nice glass of water, OK? (WHISPERS) Give her all the boozes, all right? Get her so sloshed she thinks she's Jann Arden. (upbeat music plays) (MAGICAL SPARKLES) (ethereal music) - Cheese and crackers, Bonita. You know, you haven't looked this great since church camp. You get your hair done? And that's when I knew... not only was I going to win the bullfight, but I was gonna become Spain's champion matador. - She's a vegan. - (GASPS) Amon? I am extremely interested in bull riding. Or being ridden like one. - OK! Why are you doing this? - Because Waverly's never inviting you to motorboat in her marina! - Wynonna! - Everybody loves Waverly! It's always Waverly, Waverly, Waverly! - (over speaker) Excuse me? This is a love song, and I am sending it out to... the most beautiful woman in the world. - Zoe Kravitz? - Waverly Earp. - Oh, God. - (WHINES) - # How do you cool your lips # - (GRUMBLES) - Hey, hey! # After a summer's kiss - # How do you... # - (WHISPERS) Stop it! - Wait! - I don't know. - Oh, my God. # After the body bliss # - Mam said everyone associated with the Earps were all evil, and that all you wanted was for us to die. - My mama, Alice, taught me if a worthy person needs help, you help. - (CHUCKLES) Worthy? She had big plans. A legacy to fulfil. And now I'm too stupid and too alone to fulfil them. (SOFT MUSIC) - You look at yourself. - I hate my stupid face. - Your eyes are sharp. That is where the beauty is. You survived. And no vindictive old woman's words can take that away from you. It's your turn to do whatever you want, on your terms. Be your own legacy, Cleo. - Why are you helping me? - It's what I do. I'm a damn good sidekick. (BOTH SING) # Insensitive # - Hey, hey, hey! I, too, have a song. - You don't come in on Bunny's territory! - (SINGS) # Oh I love you, love you, love you... - (sings) Ride my bull! - Guys, you're ruining everything! (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) - Nedley. (SINGS, SHOUTS) - You're ruining everything! (whispers) I need your help. - Waverly? - Turns out I've been passing on a love disease! No! Not that kind of love disease! - Baby, do you need help? - This one gives people insane feelings of adoration for the next person they see. - Waverly, I know you want it. - I need you to come down to Shorty's. Please! You're the only one unaffected! - (EXCITED SQUEALS) Nobody has ever talked to me like that. - I should be on my way. - It makes me happy that Mam and Nicole's covenant for you went bust. - - Nicole? - Yeah. Mam helped her get Waverly out of the garden, in exchange for... well, you. - (EXHALES) I understand. Unfortunately. (CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES) (CAR STARTS) (SOFT EERIE MUSIC) (CHAIN CLANKS) (LOW GROWLS) - (SCREAMS) - The hummus! I hand squished it myself! - Get your bean hands off of my guitar! - A lady should not have to ask twice. - Randy, you're not helping! - Stay out of this! - Doc! Thank Eros. - That is so hot! - Can't we just be friends? - Well, don't just stand there, distract Wynonna! - I'd rather not. - Damn it, Doc! - All right, by grabs. - Excuse me, I've got an online order here for a Waverly Earp? - Demetri! Hi! - ...karaokier! - Look what we've done! - Where's the sparkle jar? I left it at home. - Ow! Stop it! - You may have... - I'm giving you a golden shower whether you like it or not! - Wyno... No! - Ah! - Whoa! (MAGICAL SPARKLES) (BRIGHT MUSIC) - I can't believe I'm friends with the greatest gunslinger that ever lived. Doc mother-kissing Holliday. - Are you kidding? I cannot believe I am amigos with four-time curling champion Randy Nedley. I love you. - You hiding a fluffy little bunny tail in those slacks? - You wanna check? - You know, I suddenly wonder, if you weren't gonna be my sister-in-law, could we do things? - - Mmm, Nicole. I love you more than whisky. But I think you're driving this bus somewhere we don't want it to go. - Your spit destroys love? - The universe craves balance. - You could've just told me that! - Should we get naked anyway? Just for... science. - Okie dokie... Can I cut in? Hmm... - I cannot. Sorry brother, may I? - (SIGHS) - (CHUCKLES) (SOFT MUSIC) - I can almost see the love vibrating off them. - It's fake, pumpkin. Your insane sister caused it with a glitter bomb. - You're always so... ...sad. Wait. Not just sad. What was their name? - Amon. - What? - Yeah. - After two years, he changed the locks. He said I bored him. - Your heartbreak proved that love... does exist. And their love for one another, it's not fake. It just gets buried day to day... under hurt... and pride. It doesn't always last forever... but it's real. - (SCOFFS) Fine. I'll take the Cupid power back. But you have to help me unmess your mess. - Fine. - Aim for the butts. Love lives in the butt. (SINISTER MUSIC) - Who's there? - (deep voice) Rachel? - Billy? - I want to go home. (SOFT MUSIC PLAYS) - I don't want to let go. - Ah. Well, this is weird. - Understatement. - Ow! Randy! - Oh, nailed it! - Oh, we can never speak of this again. (SNORTS) - (LAUGHS) (DOOR CLOSES) - Yes! - We did it! (LAUGHS) - So, I don't exactly understand what happened, but... You still seem to love me, so... - I do. (DOOR CLOSES) And I think we settled on a medium fussy wedding. - Perfect. - (GIGGLES) - Well... I chose you, Waverly Earp, because I hadn't seen anyone this in love. Not since... forever. (CELL PHONE RINGS) Yeah? Get off my ass, Marty. All right? Yeah, their burgers are coming in a sec. Yeah, they're still warm! - Whichever one of us kids became Clanton heir... you planned for us to turn you into a Reaper, right? To join those we'd lost. And together, we'd avenge our name. And I will do that, Mam. (FLIES BUZZ) I'll destroy them. All of them, just like you wanted. But you're never gonna see it. Did you really think I'd forgive you for killing Billy? Dinner, everybody! (GROWLS) Who's ready for some rotten old bitch? (CREATURES SCREECH) - Jesus Christ. - OK. Hey, Bunny! Do you need us to give you a ride home? - What, do you think I'm drunk? I am drunk. I'm as drunk as a bum the day the cheques come out! - Oh, boy. - You guys are really, really special. And the love you have for each other is... nothing short of inspiring. - Oh. That actually means a lot that you said that. - Yeah, it'd mean a lot more if she meant it. - No, no, no. I mean it. Anyone that doesn't think so... Just because you share four breasts... they're a bunch of dumdums. - (CHUCKLES) - You sure we can't give you a ride home? - Randy Nedley is going to give me a ride home. - Oh! - Well, have a nice evening, lesbians. - Uh, Waverly's bisexual. - Yeah, well, just say horny. - And she's back. - Surely there are other bars for you to drink in. (WEAPON POWERS UP) - I came for the entertainment. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) - Now there's the Earp sister I like. Hazardous, hot, half in the bag. - I wasn't sure if you'd be alone. - Demetri? He left after I let him yell some nonsense about how I have no soul. - Hmm. (CHUCKLES) Been there. Hated it. - I was mostly bored. I guess I am a monster. - Who gives a fuck? - I thought you wanted to kill me. - All I want is... to stop feeling guilty for what I am. When what I am... is necessary. - You're a... You're a confusing woman. - Flexible, too. Are you gonna tell me you're in love with my sister now? - No, ma'am. - Good. Now show me how you ride that bull. - (GASPS) - Billy? Welcome home, little brother. It's time we took back what's ours. Captions by Able. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.