Hurry up. Come on. Oh, my God, come on! OK, that's enough. Let's open her up again. OTHERS GROAN I'm not gonna let you do that. And how exactly are you gonna stop me, Sister? Swabs go missing all the time. We'll find it. I'm not telling you how to do your job, Doctor, but if we can't find the swab, shouldn't you...? I'm sorry, I thought you weren't telling me how to do my job. OK, everybody, can you just check in your shoes just in case it's fallen in there? Um, hi. How are you doing? Um, as you've probably gathered, we can't find one of the swabs that we used in the Caesarean, so we're going to have to check that it isn't... ..that we haven't left it sort of inside you. Sort of inside me? Sort of totally inside you, yeah. And it wouldn't dissolve? It would, yes, slowly, though, over the next 6,000 or 7,000 years. Erm... Yep. Sorry. OK, erm, scissors. SHE SIGHS Blunt forceps. Look what I found. You thieving little fucker. Apologies, Tracy. And apologies, Dad. # Trouble # Oh, trouble, trouble, # Trouble, trouble # Feels like every time I get back on my feet # She come around and knock me down again... # Is everything OK? What's going on? Everything's fine, thanks, random man with a rucksack. No, I meant with the baby in...in Five. I'm the doctor who delivered him. So is he, erm...? Is he OK? No. If you remember, you misdiagnosed his mother so he was delivered about 15 weeks too early. No, I meant with the, um... Was the lumbar puncture normal? Did you repeat the bloods? You've done your bit, mate. We're doing ours now. LIFT BELL DINGS You still here? I was just checking something. Yeah. We all make mistakes. Doesn't mean that we're bad at our jobs. If we learn from them, they're what makes us better. All right, Gandhi, it was a fucking lost swab. No, not that! The mistake you were visiting in there. Anyway, get out of here. You should've been home, what, six hours ago? Swab-ert De Niro. What? Oh. I'd have gone with Swab-ert Downey Jr. Yeah, Julian said that one, so... CLANG GROANING Harry? What the fuck are you doing? The door's broken. Won't open. Keys... Key's broken. What? For God's sake. Come on. HE GRUNTS You've got some, er, food on your face. That's probably placenta. Harry... Oh... Whoa, you fixed it. How was work? Fine, thanks. In. Now. Bed. Uh... Uh-uh. That's my wallet. Harry... Kiss me. MUFFLED: Harry... OK, OK, OK. # Is it cruel or kind not to speak my mind # And to lie to you rather than hurt you? # Well, I'll confess all of my sins # After several large gins # But still I'll hide from you # Hide what's inside from you # And alarm bells ring # When you say your heart still sings # When you're with me, # Oh, won't you please forgive me? # I no longer hear the music # And all the memories # Of the pubs and clubs # And the drugs and the tubs... # TOASTER POPS # Oh, I no longer hear the music # Oh, I no longer hear the music Shit, sorry. Did I wake you? What are you doing? Knitting. Shall I make you a cocoa before you head off to bridge? Harry... Harry, stop. You're gonna make me late for work. So I am. Is this shirt OK? Assuming that's a jumper you were knitting to wear over it. I shouldn't be back too late tonight. Good. Greg and Emma will be here at seven, so make sure you're back by then. Having said that, these things are fluid, aren't they? You never know when you'll be called for an emergency. She's not that bad. Compared to who, Idi Amin? You know, it's probably about time you stop telling him how much you hate her. They're getting married. She's having his baby. It'll be nice. I'm doing fajitas. DOOR CLOSES Doesn't have to be fajitas. You look like you haven't slept. No, I've had to cut sleeping out. It's an unnecessary distraction from these exams. When are they? A few weeks. And I have done a quarter of anatomy, so that's, what, a leg? I've not even started on embryology or biochemistry, and I'm on call with Adam in ten minutes. I don't wanna sound like your mum... But I should be married by now? Look, tell Adam he can do it on his own for once. And he's taking all day the way he's acting at the moment. He's doing biopsies on every freckle on a patient's arse just in case it's some rare case of Japanese melanocytic. And, er, just one more night and I've got a few days off. Um, I don't know what I'm gonna do. It'll be nice for AJ to see her mum for a change. Tracy! Come on, put your GCSE biology down. We've got work to do. SHE SIGHS Look, why don't you be a brave boy and go there on your own? Excuse me? I'm sure Shruti would like a little bit more time with her textbooks. Yeah. And I'd like �85 million and a ten-inch cock but, you know, can't win 'em all. Come on...Swab Marley. OK, fine. Come up to gynae in two hours. But I'm gonna test you afterwards and I want you to know all of Heads, Shoulders, Knees And Toes. Verse and chorus. Look, honestly, I'm sure it's nothing. She's always playing things down. You think I'm dying every time I fart. Her head could be hanging off and she'd refuse an aspirin. Maybe we should listen to what the doctor thinks. Can I put a hand on your tummy? How cold are they? A bit. That's good. It means they ain't just been inside another patient, then. SHE LAUGHS Means they haven't been inside a living patient. Right. How bad's the pain on a scale of zero to ten, where zero is no pain at all and ten is sawing your own leg off while listening to Michael Buble? Let's say...three. Chopping chillies and rubbing your eyes. This is what I mean, that's clearly an eight. May I lift your top up? Oh, fucking Christ. I'm fine. Right, I do think there might be something going on here. Tell you what it is. I had a kebab last night. It literally looked like Hagrid's cock. And there's a condition called ovarian torsion, where the ovary gets twisted around on itself. I want to admit you to the ward, get you round to theatre as soon as we can and have a look inside. An operation? Are you serious? It's nothing. I don't think it's nothing. Listen to the doctor. He wouldn't operate if he wasn't certain. Are you certain, then? Like, 100%? Well... Oh, look, he ain't. Come on, let's go. Nothing in medicine is 100%, but if you go home, that would be against my firm advice, and you risk making this a lot worse and losing an ovary. Or...worse. Ruth. If you need an overnight bag, maybe your friend can pop home and get some stuff for you? Oh, not friends. Enemies? Civil partners. Oh, um, goodness. I didn't mean... Sorry. I presume you don't have a problem with that? No. No, no, no. Maybe don't pick a fight with the person who's trying to save your life. Hmm. So he claims. Um... Good. Um, OK, I'll see you up on the ward. Let's get her up to gynae. Oi, this is total bullshit. He's taking the piss. Is that a mattress suture, Mr Lockhart? Yes. It's very elegant. My rectum is clean enough already, thank you, Julian. Um, Mr Lockhart, there's a patient on the ward I think we should operate on smart-ish, if you don't mind ticking the old box. Let's hear it, then. I never knew you were such a good ventriloquist, Mr Lockhart. Boys. Um, patient's 26 years old, I've just admitted her from A&E with acute abdominal pain and nausea. Negative pregnancy test. She's in significant pain when I examine her, all pointing to ovarian torsion. Ultrasound? A&E did an ultrasound, which was normal, but obviously that doesn't exclude... Do you normally operate on patients with period pains? It's really not period pains. Look, we're pleased you're being cautious. I'd be cautious too if I'd nearly killed one of my patients at your stage. We're at the same stage, Julian. Sorry. Is that a typo where it says acting registrar? I think what Julian is trying to say in his own special way is that we leave surgery as a last resort. Operative risks. I know what operative risks are. Can we just CT her? We could just CT every patient in the hospital if you're totally determined to bankrupt the place. Common things are common, Adam. If you hear hooves clip-clopping outside of your bedroom window, it could be a zebra, but, realistically, it's gonna be a horse. LOCKHART CHUCKLES Home. Now! But if it is ovarian torsion? Send her home, there's a good boy. Oi, Doctor! Don't rush or anything, fella, I'm fine. What time you cutting me open, then? We've decided in fact to not operate but to send you... SHE GROANS ..here. To send you here and see how you get on overnight. Luckily, my female sexual partner is just fetching some stuff for me. I didn't mean to be insensitive before. I'm...gay too, actually. Really? Cos it sounds like you've never said that before. Uh, well, I will, erm, pop back in the morning and see how you're doing. Who's up first, then? Um... The MOB in bed 17. MOB? Miserable Old Bat. Is that a good one? You can't just make them up. Can I see Mrs Winnicka's bloods? But they were normal. Yeah. Yeah, one sec. Yeah, she had a bit of a night of it. Episode of chest pain. The SHO did blood and an ECG. I've had a look and they're all normal. Why have you done this? What? Welded a laptop to a Zimmer frame. No, they've replaced all the ward computers with computers on wheels. Of course they fucking have. Turn it on, then. I'm gonna have to plug it in. Battery only lasts about a minute. COMPUTER BEEPS If this thing was any more useless, you'd be out of a job. Yeah, look there. Normal. Hang on. Yeah. Yeah, it's normal. OK, let's go and see her. And bring your new toy. SHE SIGHS Ohh! Christ alive. It can be a lonely place in hospital if you've got no friends or family visiting... Morning, Mrs Winnicka. Why you brought me this one? I prefer Dr Julian. Lovely and tall. ..or if you're a total bitch. Well, you're stuck with me, I'm afraid, horrible and short. So, any more of that pain in the chest since last night? Why do you care? Because it reflects very badly on me if you die. SHE SCOFFS Nobody cares if I die. Oh, I dunno. The lion and the wardrobe would probably miss you. Any more of that pain in the chest, then? No, no more of that. That's good. Let's get the cardiology doctors to review you, just to be on the safe side. Shruti, can you arrange that, please? Really? But we've had no positive test results. I don't think... I mean, yeah, of course. That...that's fine. Yes. LAUGHTER Uh... How are you doing? You're a doctor. Not doing bloody job for you. Who's this handsome man? Can we expect a visit? Hell of a job digging him up. Oh, God, sorry. What about the lovely strapping boys next to him? If they're dead as well, it'll be easier if I just join them. This one busy with work. That one hasn't thought of excuse yet. Well, hopefully you'll be out of here before too long. It's already too long. It's so loud in here. The woman in that bed stinks. Can't even get a whisky at night. I'm sorry. Very good at being sorry, aren't you? OK. Well, uh, it's lovely talking to you, Mrs W. We'll see you tomorrow. You OK? My SHO's pretty insubordinate, but other than that... They're gonna stop accepting your referrals if I keep crying wolf with the unnecessary ones. Ah, you see, this is a necessary one, because I asked for it. LID SLAMS Hey, do me a favour. Get me a bottle of whisky. For Mrs Winnicka. Can she go home today? Well, not alive. And that patient you've admitted from A&E. How long's she likely to be here? We're monitoring her overnight with a view to operating in the morning. And you've discussed this with your consultant? Obviously, otherwise she wouldn't be here, would she? Hi, Mum. Listen, can I call you tomorrow? No, I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with Greg and Emma. Yeah, just the three of us. I know you hoped I'd marry Helen, Mum, you've mentioned it every 40 minutes for the last five years. Can we talk about something else? Not that. Right, look, I'm going. Bye. PAGER BEEPS So sorry. Oh, no, no. This isn't for me. It's for my boss. SHE SIGHS No, he's gonna give it to one of the patients. SHE SIGHS So that's the antibiotic to sort the infection that got everyone so worried before. And that one is... No, don't know what that one is, sorry. No, that one's the... Yes, that one's the antibiotic. HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY I'm more of a Caesarean section kind of guy, to be honest. I really did try my best for you. You believe me, right? # This is gonna bruise # Bruise you and confuse you # This is really gonna smart # This is gonna break your heart # But you got to keep going # Ignore the cracks that are showing # Cos some things you can't... # Bollocks. HORN BLARES DOG BARKS DOOR OPENS Shit. Just shush. Come on now. Shit. Um... Fuck! HORN CONTINUES BLARING HORN STOPS Greg! You coming in, or are you just practising your beeping? Hey. Hello, mate. I'll see you inside. Just gonna lock up. I've missed watching you lock up Betsy. It's like watching Tower Bridge open up. Oh, and he's off. Dr Kay representing Great Britain. Oh, the window wedge came out in one. Well, he's lost valuable seconds on the walkaround but can he make it up on the inside door knob? Yeah, well, now it's all to play for on the window shuffle. And now Kay has opted for a right-hand shuffle. That's beautiful. How was work? Same shit, different vagina. You know, Emma was saying she hasn't seen you for ages. Yeah. It's been lovely. Behave. You do know no-one's gonna steal that, right? What were you thinking? How did this patient possibly warrant a cardiology referral? I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to waste your time. Do you really think that's good enough? I've got a ward full of patients with actual heart issues, and her pain was clearly non-cardiac. She had a normal ECG and normal bloods. My ten-year-old could have told you that. I'm so sorry. What would your registrar say if they knew you'd done this? Well, actually... Um...I... All I can do is apologise. What's your name? Shruti. Acharya. I'll be writing to your consultant, Shruti...Acharya. Oh, I just need a holiday. I can't remember the last time we've been in the country for two months straight, let alone three. We all need a hit of sun, don't we? Greg wants us to go back to Barbados, but I'm worried that's what everyone does at Christmas. Oh, God, yeah. If I have to spend one more Christmas in Barbados, I'm just gonna... Have you guys heard Adam's degloving story? No, I don't think so. Oh, you will love it. Go on. So, degloving's when the skin gets torn from the underlying structures, like when a motorcyclist flies off his bike and his hand goes... Do we have to? We certainly do. So, there's this 18-year-old guy, he's out celebrating his A-level results and he finds himself dancing on the roof of a bus shelter. And to get down to ground level, he slides down a lamppost, koala-bear-style. Unfortunately, he's misjudged the texture of the lamppost and he finds himself in A&E with severe grazing to both hands... ..and a complete degloving of his penis. OTHERS GASP AND LAUGH Ohh! God. So what did it look like? It was far and away the worst penis I've ever seen. And he's seen a lot of penises. Professionally, of course. So, what did it look like? It's like a bit of spaghetti. Can we stop? Smeared in tomato sauce. We are eating. Will it grow back? What, like an octopus? Gregory... Well, maybe. Gregory, enough! Please. So...um, how are the renovations coming on? Oh, my God, you know what it's like, digging a basement. Not really. I think our landlord might complain. And the downstairs neighbours. Loads of mess, loads of stress, loads of noise. If we get let down by one more marbler, I think I'm gonna go spare. EMMA LAUGHS Oh... Oh, I saw your mum in John Lewis last week. Oh, God, I'm sorry. It was all right. I hid behind a mannequin. I wouldn't recognise your mum if I bumped into her in John Lewis. Yeah, you would. Room gets about ten degrees colder. Um... Margaritas. Yes, please. Thank you. Whoopsie! No. Oh, go on. It'll loosen... HE TAPS TABLE ..you up. Sorry, of course. More lemonade? That would be lovely. Yeah, there's no champagne for me at the wedding, alas. Such a shame. Our little munchkin's causing us trouble already. No champagne for Mummy. So, how many weeks are you now? 21. Exciting. Um... I'm gonna say, what, halfway there? HE SCOFFS You do listen. And is it a boy or a girl? Um... Yeah. We chose not to find out. Yeah. There are just so few surprises left in life. Wouldn't it be funny if Adam ended up delivering you? Over my dead body! Statistically, at least half my patients live, actually. We're gonna play it safe and go private. And is everything going well so far? Yep, we had the 22-week scan last week. All seemed good. We had the 5D scan. Wow! So when you go private, they discover two extra dimensions? Have a look. So...? How does it look to you? Aw. Yeah. She looks perfect. She? EMMA SIGHS What the fuck's gotten into you? What's that supposed to mean? You do know you really upset them? Oh, yeah. I feel really terrible for Greg with his perfect little life. You're jealous of him? Is that what this is about? Adam, he's cosplaying as a 50-year-old. Rubbing my face in it with their big house and their fancy wedding, and car that works. Go get a job in the City, then. That's not what I mean. They're just so... ..settled and... ..normal. If normal's so important to you, why have you ruined the first evening we've had together in a fortnight? Haven't normal couples met each other's parents? Fine - next time we're in Transylvania. Adam... What's going on? Nothing. I'm going to bed. I've an early start. DOOR CLOSES I'll be back seven-ish. I'm going out tonight. I don't mean to load this all on you, but can you hurry up and get better, please? I think it'd be good for both of us. I'm actually good at my job. Most of the time. Anyway, you don't want to hear all this. It's just... You just focus on learning how to blink. Ah, Dr Adam! Oh, I don't think you've met my sister, Paula. Oh, no. Hello. Lovely to meet you. Mm-hm. Hello, darling. I missed you so much. And the, uh, antibiotic's starting to work, so that's a bit of good news. Yes. And they weighed him again last night and he's nearly two stone, so... Two pounds. I think...I think it was stone. Oh, look! Look how big you're getting. Oh, I've actually got something for him. Oh, that's so kind of you. They must have cost you a fortune. I... I knitted them. That's something for him to grow into. Hopefully. Look what Dr Adam made. I love you so much. Mummy loves you so, so much. I don't know how it's got so stuck up there. It must have turned around on itself or must be sitting on some kind of ledge, or something. And there's no way you can tell me what it is? Oh, no, no, I want it to be a surprise for Carl. We're always surprising each other. Yeah, he'd have got it out himself if he didn't have such stubby fingers. It's the same with me whole family, you know? Practically toes. Right, let's, uh, have a look, shall we? What do you reckon? A bottle of Pernod? The gear stick from a Vauxhall Corsa? A selection of baklava? That's ten points to anyone who guessed Kinder Egg. Right. Hey, no, no, no, no. Don't throw it away. Carl, open it. Oh... Oh! Oh, God. METAL CLATTERS Carl Morcom... ..will you marry me? Say yes, mate. If that's what she does with a Kinder Egg, God knows what she'd do to you if you say no. Course I will, Tez. Come here. Congratulations. Mmm... Ah, this is so... This is so her, Doc. This is so you. Doc, before you go, will you...will you take a picture of us, please? I can't. My thumbs won't reach the buttons. Of course. There you go. Thank you so much. I'm the luckiest man in the world. Congratulations again. BOTH: Thank you. Always with your nose in a book. Oh, you probably haven't got there yet. Your nose is the pointy bit on the front of your face. Did cardiology see Mrs Winnicka? Mm-hm. They were satisfied that nothing was going on. Great. See, no-one minds being asked. Come on. What do you want? We're the doctors. I know who you are. That's not what I asked. Any more of that chest pain? No. That's good. PAGER BEEPS AND BUZZES Um... You didn't fancy a nightcap? Of course not. Jack Daniel's tastes like cat's piss. Well, they were fresh out of eye of newt. Piss off. See you tomorrow, Mrs W. Anything you'd like to tell me? Um... Fuck off. Imagine my surprise when Benilda informed me that the patient with period pains was still on the ward this morning. I instructed you to send her home. I really don't think you should be ignoring her symptoms. I really don't think you should be ignoring me and Mr Lockhart. Who isn't pleased about this, by the way. HE LAUGHS Did he tell you that when you put an apple on his desk this morning? Grow up, Adam. Can't we just leave her in another night for observation? Trust me, she's really... No-one trusts you. I sent her home. You discharged one patient when you shouldn't have. That doesn't mean you should keep every other patient in here for ever. You're lucky to have Adam to learn from. Don't do what he does. Hi, it's Adam. Well, give her bloody paracetamol, then. # Wake up # Wake up, find someone to help # Come out # Come out as yourself # Wipe the sleep from your eyes... # Hey, mate, do me a favour. Gimme one of those. Oi, don't touch me! Fuck! Fuck off. Ruth! Ruth, wait. Shruti, get me a spot in emergency theatres now. Ovarian torsion, starved and ready. SHE GROANS Uh-huh, yep, that's the one. What? I don't give a shit what Julian said. Yep. In. 100% sure. Mm-hm. Or 50% sure. And if it's not an ovarian torsion, while I'm in theatres, I can always perform an emergency cutting my own head off. Hospital number 8744352. Yeah, great. Thank you so much. Thank you, bye. # Wake up # Something is burning # Wake up # There's a lesson that you're not learning... # Grasper. Please. Right, place your bets. Oh, shit. It's bloody normal. Isn't that good? Oh, it's all right for her. Fuck! If you wouldn't mind watching your language in theatre, please, Doctor. Sorry, Sister. Fuck. Jesus fucking H fucking Christ. Right, well, here's some revision for you. This is what perfectly normal pelvic anatomy looks like. Oh, and here they are. Great, right on cue. Get out of theatre, Adam. Shruti, you did the right thing calling me. Right, scrub in, get this closed up. Camera off, bugger off. I'll deal with you afterwards. Oh, hold on. There's some free fluid in the abdomen, something's going on. Julian, grab me a pair of size eights. Thank you, God that I don't believe in. I'm sorry about the mild blasphemy just before. Out the way. Oh, yeah, sorry. Ah, well, there's your answer. Look how pedunculated that ovary is and see how vascular it is on the surface. It's been twisting backwards and forwards on itself. She must've been in a right state. Good spot, young man. Thank you. I think we can have a decent swing at saving this. You ever done an oophoropexy before? Not yet, no. I've done a few if you want me to walk him through it. Thank you very much, Julian, but I suspect we'll be fine without you. Thank you, Julian. Adam. Yes, Mr Lockhart. So put another port in. Um... ADAM CLEARS HIS THROAT Right. Try not to get the bowel. That right? Yes, you don't want to go the other way, do you? It's a great honour, Mr Lockhart. Oh, please! Right, you're done, I think. You're happy? Are you? Well, I'm happy, but it's not my ovary. ADAM LAUGHS Thank you for taking the time, Mr Lockhart. It's deeply appreciated. Right, come on. We don't want to be here all day. There we are. Pop by my office in half an hour, will you? I've got a little something I'd like to talk to you about. OK, thank you, Mr Lock... Thank you. DOOR CLOSES 99p. There you go. What are you staring at? Adam, I'm really sorry. What about? That you grassed me up? That you didn't trust me? Or that you were wrong? It wasn't like that. You don't understand. I was completely... I know exactly what you were doing. Looking after number one. I was looking out for the patient while you were on your mad, paranoid fishing trip. It's been like that ever since you missed that pre-eclamptic. You got one thing right today, sure, but I've got a black mark on my record now because of you and your crazy referrals. Sorry, I'm just tired. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Friends? Colleagues. Friends. I'm actually free tonight if you want someone to test you on all of that stuff. Seriously, would you mind? It's just none of it's going in. Sure, I forget that there was a time when I didn't know all of this stuff, either. I think I was seven. Mr Lockhart wants to give me a pat on the back, um, so I'll come and grab you when I'm done. Got a ten-year-old bottle of cat piss we can crack open. Come. Hey. Lovely work there, Kay. You're a good little doctor, aren't you? Sounds a bit like I'm an Enid Blyton character, but I'll take it. Well, I've, erm... I've been trained by the very best. Did you study in London? Er, sure did, yeah. Um, third generation. Ah! You got any kids? Er, no. Married? No. Mmm. I'm in a long-term relationship. Oh, what does your girlfriend do? Actually, erm, graphic design. That's sweet. Do you know what these are? I'm gonna go with babies. I ask every mum I deliver to give me a picture. That's the first case of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome I looked after. Internal podalic version. That's really wonderful. Oh, and this one's outside a fondue station in Val-d'Isere. Lot of crap in this job, so, er, it's nice holding on to the good things when they happen. Hmm. Van Hegan. The pre-eclamptic 25-weeker from a couple of weeks back. Yeah, bit of bad news, I'm afraid. The mum's lodged a complaint. You'll be getting the paperwork through in a bit. I just wanted to give you the heads-up, so you can start writing your statement, all that business. Oh, cheer up, you're not gonna lose your job. Just might make it harder to get the next one. Well, don't let me stop you from pissing off so I can go home. Um... Shut the door. Bye. # I am just a man # Tipping on a wire # Tight rope walking fool # Balanced on desire # I cannot control # These ever changing ways # So how can I be sure # The feeling will remain? # It'll always change # But everything I am # Is yours # Everything I am # Is yours # Find it hard to say # What's going on inside. # HE PLAYS SINGLE NOTE HE SIGHS HE EXHALES DOOR OPENS Thought you said you were gonna be out tonight. Then I realised I'd rather be in. TV: If I was Preston's girlfriend, I'd chore the face off you when you came at me. Pulling my arms. Pulling his arms. I'd cut his cock off. HARRY: All this is teaching me is that famous people are the same as normal people, just much more boring. Could hardly describe half these people as famous. TV CONTINUES How was work? It's fine, yeah. You know we've been going out for two years? Really? Mmm. God, feels like longer. Feels like ten. Maybe it is ten in straight years, do you think? I know when something's up. HE SIGHS There is something, right? Harry? Yeah? Will you marry me? No. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. www.able.co.nz Able 2022 # Bruise you and confuse you