TRACY: Bye! Don't forget her lunch! MAN: Yeah, I know, darling. ALARM BEEPS # Cradle me, I'll cradle you ALARM BEEPS # I'll win your heart with a woop-a-woo # Pulling shapes just for your eyes # So with toothpaste kisses # And lines # I'll be yours and you'll be # Lay with me, I'll lay with you # We'll do the things that lovers do # Put the stars in our eyes # And with heart-shaped bruises # And late night kisses, divine... # ENGINE FAILS TO START Come on. KNOCK ON WINDOW Dozy twat! Sorry. ENGINE CUTS OUT ENGINE FAILS TO START HORNS BEEP All right! So, doing anything fun tonight? Yes, actually. I thought I'd, erm, go home three hours late, get shouted at and fall asleep on the toilet. There should be some kind of legal form that people have to sign before they date doctors. What, like sex offenders do? Yeah, exactly. Your girlfriend must be used to the late nights by now, though, right? Fiance, actually. Oh, congratulations! And it's F-I-N-A-N-C-E. "Finance"? No, I meant, erm, as in...one E. The male version. I'm gay. Oh, shit. Oh, sorr... Erm, I didn't... It's fine. My alpha-male demeanour clearly threw you off the scent. So, who proposed, then? We both sort of did, actually. In a graveyard. Obviously. We're actually exchanging the rings tonight. That's lovely. Do you have a special someone you apologise to? Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm actually in a polyamorous three-way relationship right now, so it's me, gynaecology textbooks and a bucket of cheap chow mein. Right. How does the sex work with the three of you? Hm! Sounds intriguing! Right, this complaint, then. I've just sent off my statement, and when you do yours, you're obviously going to say what happened on the night in question. Yeah, of course. That you told us to send the patient home. Yeah, but that was before it was a complaint. Now I think we need to be a little more scrupulous with the facts. Fuck! He's withdrawing what he said. The bastard! He's withdrawing it like a condomless cock and spraying it in our faces. You sent her home without asking me. That's the truth, and I strongly suggest that that's what you write in your statements. Fudging the facts can only make things worse in the long run. Of course, Mr Lockhart. I've always wondered what the underneath of a bus looks like. Well, off you go. Shut the door. I thought you said this wasn't a disaster. "This isn't a GMC thing. "We're not going to get struck off." It's precisely a disaster. But can't we just write the truth on our forms and sweat it out? Well, I would do that, obviously, but I've already submitted my statement. And you wrote...? That he told us to send the patient home! I mean, what was I supposed to say to him? "That's so kind to offer, but, no, thanks." Listen, it's fine. I'll handle it. How? I've got something. It's fine. You'd better. Got nothing. It's very un-fine. Yes, I'm still really enjoying it. Nine babies now. Yeah, they went really well. Yeah, their parents all named them Shruti, so... No, Mum, that was a joke. I was... I was obviously joking. They don't really do that. No, I can't next week. That's not how the rota works. Yeah, of course I'm eating. Oh, er, that's my bleep going off. Yeah, I'd better get back. Uh-huh. Will do. SHE SPEAKS HINDI OK. Yeah. Love to Dad. OK, bye. Bye. TOILET FLUSHES All right? Here. Use this. That stuff'll sand your face off. Thank you. Oh, thank God you're here. Go on. I have been totally abandoned. I'm on my own here today. Tracy and Ria have been sent off on some stupid course, and we've got triplets to deliver. Triplets? Exactly. Three times the chance something'll go wrong. Triplets happen one in every 6,500 pregnancies. Not often on a labour ward do you get the chance to do something you've never done before. Today of all days! What are the odds? Go on, what are the odds? Of triplets? Oh, erm, one in 4,000? Actually, that's wrong. Once you take IVF into account. All right, Stephen Dorking. Erm, who's the consultant on today? Erm, I think it's Ms Houghton. I saw her in the toilet. Can I have a quick word? Yeah. No midwives, no ward clerk, and now the doctors are leaving. OK, so, this statement thing, right? It's easy. All you should do is just, like, send in a new one. Yeah? Like, just say you made a typo or something. Right. One of those typos where I accidentally falsified my whole story. Well, you have to do something. It's my career, too. Don't suppose there's anybody fucking working here today, is there? Sorry, Ms Houghton. We were just, er... All right, you. I hope those shoes have got steel toecaps. We're going to kick today a whole new arsehole. OK... Are you going to do something or just stand there like a bottle of fucking mayonnaise? Why don't you get a round of coffees in? Tell you what, get yourself one, too. Sorry, darling. The bus broke down. No problem, just grab a name badge and find a seat. So, as I was saying, geriatrics should now be referred to as... .."care of the older person". "Care of the older person"? They make it sound like a spa. I don't know why they don't just go the whole hog, call it "care of the inevitable". I'm sure it used to be called that three directives ago. THEY LAUGH Anything I can help you with, ladies? Oh, we were just saying that it's, erm, it's great that, er, older patients will no longer be crippled by old-fashioned language. We... We don't say "crippled". Apologies. UNDER BREATH: You twat. Patients should now be referred to as..."clients". That's because the word "patient" actually stems from the Latin "patiens", which.... If they're clients, then what are we? Prostitutes? Well, at least if I was a prostitute, I wouldn't have to put up with that prick. I wouldn't bet on it. THEY LAUGH HE CLEARS HIS THROAT I'm just equipping you with the right language to do your jobs properly. I'm sure my patients will be thrilled. Clients. BOTH: Clients! Did you go to fucking Brazil for those? Sorry, there was, erm, only one person working at the coffee shop. "There was a lahlahlahlahlah." Keeping the change, or what? Yeah. Ms Houghton, I've been thinking a lot about triplets. No-one wants to hear about your wank bank. Very pithy. So, what I meant was, erm, with regard to the forthcoming operative delivery of the triplets... Oh! Such verisimilitude, Dr Kay. I don't know what it means. I just felt the need to join in with the fancy words. Erm... ..about the, er, triplets, erm... ..I wonder if you might allow me to perhaps do the Caesarean. I've obviously done several sets of twins, and, erm... ..it would be an incredible boost to my professional development to have the opportunity to, erm, to learn your technique. What the fuck do you think the technique is? You pull the babies out till there aren't any more fucking babies to pull out. Right, shall we go and meet the parents? Sorry, "encounter the progenitors". I'd say this is going very well. Hi! I'm Adam, one of the doctors, and this is Ms Houghton, the consultant. This is nice, isn't it? It's like having a town crier. My name's Vicky. You are...? I'm Jasmine, and this is Dave. Lovely. I hear you've got a little something for me. Oh, erm, yeah, three little somethings. Three Little Birds. Do you remember that one? Come on, you know it. # Three little birds # Pitched by my doorstep # Singing sweet songs # Of melodies pure and true # Saying, this is a message to you-ou-ou... # BOTH LAUGH AWKWARDLY # ..Singing don't worry # 'Bout a thing # Cos... # Come on, you're up, guys. BOTH: # E...Every little thing # Is gonna be all right... # # Rise up this morning... # Yeah, I'm not going to lie, we don't get triplets in here every day! Thank goodness. Yeah, thank goodness. Last thing we need's a world shortage of bootees and bonnets! You're in safe hands. I mean, we've got three goes, so by the time the last one's out, we'll be great at it, won't we? You got names sorted? Yeah. We reckon so. Milly, Billie and Lily. It's difficult finding three names that rhyme. No comment. What time do you want to get her round to theatre? Well, there's no time like the present. Shall we see if the theatre's ready? I think someone's toast's burning. Probably just electing a new Pope. Yeah, Pope Eggs Benedict XV! Pope Shepherd's Pius II. "Shepherd's Pius"! Did you hear that? Yeah. TRACY: Sorry, can we get back to the triplets? What, Huey, Dewey and Louie? Bordering on child abuse. ADAM CHUCKLES Had one the other week called Lasagne! Lasagne! Yeah, I'm sure the patients on the labour ward apologised for not having your level of education, Dr Kay. Well, I didn't... Shruti, you're doing the triplets. You, why don't you get yourself down to A&E, see if you can clear some of the backlog? There's a bloody good bloody old chap. Hi, Erika. How are you doing? Oh, you know, pomme ci, pomme ca. It's actually... Yeah. Can I ask you a question about mist? Erm, yes, I...guess. Well, he's got a lump on the back of his head. Sorry, what...? Look, you can see under his hat, look. He's got a lump right at the back. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise you'd... Mist. What a nice name. What's wrong with calling a baby Steve once in a while? Does it have, erm, a special meaning? Oh, yeah, yeah, it does, actually. It's like a type of rain. Could you...have a look for me? Oh, that's not really my speciality. Best to ask the baby doctors when they come round. Yeah, but they haven't been round yet this morning, and I tried to get someone to come over, but no-one's coming over, so I'm getting... Have a quick look. It's just under here. Can you see? OK, erm, that's called an occipital protuberance. Oh, my God! Will... Will he be OK? Yeah. It's normal. You've got one here. Oh, did he catch it from me? What, is his brain going to be, like...all right? Erm, honestly, it's nothing at all to worry about. Sorry. Thank you, Dr Adam. You're just the best! All part of the job. HE CHUCKLES I hope you don't mind me asking, sorry, but why have you made a complaint about me? Oh, no, no, it's not about you. It's about the hospital. Right, it's just that it does put quite a lot of pressure, you know, sort of stress on me. Oh. Erm... It's just my sister said we should get something back after... ..after what happened. Sure. OK. HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Don't judge me. Erika, sorry, I don't m-m-mean to speak out of turn. Erm, I'm just wondering if... ..maybe the reason that you haven't been able to see a baby doctor this morning is because they're avoiding you, in case, you know, you complain about them, too. But they wouldn't do anything to put my baby in danger, though. Erm... Listen, if I was looking after him, it wouldn't affect my care one bit. I just... I can't speak for everyone here. But ignore me, because I... Yeah, I shouldn't have said anything. What do you think I should do? Erm, I think you're going to figure it out. You know, mums know best. And stay strong, really, for Mist. HUBBUB We've been here for about an hour! Come on, then. Here we go. OK? Big pull. There you are. Are you sure you don't want to do it? Yeah, you're kind to offer, mate, but what I actually want is 20 Rothmans Superkings, and at the moment you're standing in the way of them. Right, bang a finger in there, then. That's it. OK, nearly there. OK. Just a few more seconds. Yeah. OK. The good news is, I can't see any cause of the bleeding. And what are you doing this evening? Funny you should ask. I'm going to this restaurant that we really love. Oh, OK, great. Er, can you call the New York office when they open and get someone to overnight the documents? Uh-huh. Ooh, yeah, and make sure someone from derivatives knows they're coming. Fab. OK, thanks so much. MS HOUGHTON: Whoa! It's like the front row at SeaWorld here. OK, see if you can grab a leg. SUCTION Um, I'm pretty sure that's an arm. It's been a long time since I've been at med school, but... Do you want to have another try of the lucky dip there, Shruti? Got it. Beautiful! Right, yeah, I think I can see what the problem is. Any idea how he might have got in there? First baby coming up. BABY CRIES Hooray! Look. OK. Stick or twist? All right. Guys, she's going again. All right. Guys, she's going again. Erm, one question. Why have you got a bottle in here? It's got my mum's piss in it. Forgive me for asking a follow-up question... It's a drug test for my probation officer. You're creating a lot of paperwork for me here. How about...I fell on it? We have a winner. Oi, oi, oi. I need that. Give me my shit, man. BABY CRIES Two for the price of one. Hooray! Hello, sweetheart. Right, what do you reckon, are we going in for number three? Mm-hm. You're doing great. Respect. Thanks for that. Empathy. Lovely, Ian. Thanks. Confidentiality? Terrific! Erm, compassion. Great! Next time I'm pregnant with triplets, I'm getting you to do them. Bang-up job there. Thank you. Oh, shit! What? I think you left some scissors inside her. You'd better open her up again. Oh! Erm... OK. I'm so sorry! I, erm... MS HOUGHTON LAUGHS Gotcha! Oh... SHE CONTINUES LAUGHING Ms Houghton, erm, I was wondering if you might have a free moment for me to pick your brain about something? About work, really. I can pop by your office if you've got a free minute. Sounds awful. Here's a better idea. How about we do it over a quattro stagioni and a bottle of Jacob's Creek? Well, I wouldn't want to take up too much of your time. Do I look like I eat slowly? Finish off the skin. I need to take my lung medicine. MAN CRIES OUT Dr Kay? I was told you'd be down here. My sister's in bits, thinking she's endangered her baby. Erm, I'm sorry, I don't know what... How could you say that to her? You don't understand. I, er, I didn't say that she had, erm... I, erm, had worked two shifts back-to-back the day I delivered her, I'd slept for three hours in two nights. There was all this pressure at the hospital. I had to miss my best friend's stag do. How dare you try and make me feel bad! We're exercising our legal rights. Your mistake had consequences for my sister and my nephew. And that's going to have consequences for you. OK, next one. "Suffers from." "Suffers from." What do we say instead? "Lives with"? "Lives with," yeah. Thanks, Ian. OK, next one. "Disabled." "Differently abled." "Differently abled"! Well, the blue team are on fire! Er, yeah, question from the red team. Tracy? What's wrong with saying "disabled"? Remember this morning? We talked about inclusivity. This is what we call a... "Negative." "Negative," yeah. Thanks, Ian. And we shouldn't be using negatives. All that will happen is that the patients won't understand what we're talking to them about. Isn't it "clients"? Yeah, it is "clients", actually. Erm, next one. "Birth defect." We haven't got a working printer on our ward. We've had a leak in the ceiling for over four years, and this is what they're spending their money on? As your facilitator, it's my job to remind you of the four pillars of the trust. OK? PAGER BEEPS PAGER: ..crash call to Accident & Emergency. That's obstetric team... HE SIGHS I should... I should probably... ALARM BLARES Adam Kay, obstetrics. Who's running the arrest? Kiran Chowdry, A&E. That was quick. Good man. Came in feeling short of breath. 37 weeks, first baby, collapsed on her way to the cubicle. No respiratory effort, no pulse for three minutes now. I want to stay with my wife! Get me a scalpel. Perimortem section. What, now? Here? You've had one cycle of CPR with no output. I'm delivering. You done this before? Yep. Well, I've delivered babies before. FATHER GASPS Scissors. Scissors. I'm delivering. Off the chest. Help me? Yep. This is a case of nothing to lose. The patient is basically already dead. The baby is pressing against her major blood vessels. This is our only chance of resuscitating her. OK, pull. You'll notice the slight lack of blood. Dead patients don't tend to pump any blood around. Push. OK. Adam? HE SOBS One... Keep pumping it. ..two, three... ..four, five... Heart rate is below 60. OK. TRACY: Ready? PAEDIATRICIAN: Yeah. One, two, three. One. One, two, three. Two. One, two, three. Three. One, two, three. Four. One, two, three. Five. BABY CRIES Yeah! Hello, darling! Hello, sweetheart! FATHER: You saved the wrong one! You saved... You saved the wrong one! Come on, love. DR CHOWDRY: OK, pull CPR. What about direct cardiac massage? What? You mean open the chest? Do it through the diaphragm. Come on! DR CHOWDRY: OK, pause compressions. What's... What's happening? There's cardiac output. Are you still massaging? No. She's doing that herself. Right. OK. Large swabs! Now, quickly! And we need to get her into theatre. Hold this tight until the second she's in theatre. Right, let's get her onto a trolley. Come on. Fucking hell, mate. Right, come on, let's get a wiggle on. NURSE: Ready? One, two, three. Lift! Do you want to close up or just have a massive brandy? Er, do you mind doing it? That's proper obstetrics there. You did amazing. "Ly." "You did amazingly." FATHER: Thank you. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Theatre 2 ready now. Er, Dr Kay? Can I have a word? HE SIGHS Some of us have been delivering triplets. How was it? Yeah, it was great. I can't believe I actually managed it. Mm. We were all quite shocked. How was A&E? Yeah, you know, the usual crap. Had a bit of good news, though. You're finally going on that communication skills course? Um, Erika dropped the complaint. Oh, my God! Are you serious? How the hell did you manage that? You don't want to know how the sausage gets made. But you can sleep easy tonight. Sleep? No, I'll revise easy. Oh, Adam, I'm really worried about the lady in Room Five. Would you mind taking a look? I'm leaving now. I don't think I've ever said those words before. Shruti's more than capable of looking after your patient. I've definitely never said those words before. Jesus! I was expecting to wait here two hours. Don't worry. This is just a hologram. Adam's still at work. Knew it. OK... Hm! Very good. How was work? It was fi... You know what? It was brilliant. This pregnant woman collapsed straight in front of me in A&E, so I took a scalpel and, erm... How much gory detail do you want? All of it. Unless it's going to put me off my dinner. You know, the weird thing about being a doctor is that everyone thinks you're always saving lives. But, actually, it's pretty rare to be able to say that today, I literally... PHONE CHIMES Oh! HE CHUCKLES PJ and Kenzie. They're going out later. PJ and Kenzie? Didn't they get knocked out at Judges' Houses? You've met them. PJ's 21st on the roof of... Oh, no, you were working, weren't you? You know Ian? Yes, I do. He looks a bit like Ian. Can I get you an aperitif to kick things off? Mm, I'll have a champagne, please. Non-vintage. And I'll have a Foster's. Vintage. Oh! Guess, er, guess what's in here. Oh, I love this game. Is it the bullet that killed Tupac Shakur? No, no, the complete works of Shakespeare written on a grain of rice. A butt plug for a cat? HE EXHALES It's beautiful. The cat's going to love it. You know what it is? It's, erm... An engagement ring? So, you remember our first weekend away? At the Giant's Causeway? This was the penny you put in the machine that squidged it down. And I, erm...I made it into a ring. Well, don't just stare at it. Put it on. I hope you like it. You're kind of wearing it for ever now, so... I love it. Good, cos God knows how I turn it back into a penny. HE EXHALES Right, so, where are we going to have the engagement party, then? Er, we could have a little, erm... ..dinner party at our, er, our flat. Yeah, we could totally do that. Or we could do something fun. PHONE CHIMES Sure. Oh, PJ and Kenzie are asking if we want to go to Squirt. Not for the engagement party? After dinner. Oh! What do you reckon? Sure. Although we should ask if they do functions. How does your mum feel about harnesses? MS HOUGHTON: So, we're all standing there, staring at this X-ray of an 80-year-old woman, wondering why she's got a load of tiny little bones inside her. I said, "All right, "get her in the stirrups," had a rummage around. Turns out she's got half a box of KFC shoved up there. Oh, my God! Wow! Do you want some more wine? Oh, just a little bit. Thank you. That's... That's fine, thank you. Top-up. Erm, this is so kind of you, seriously. Honestly, it means so much to have a consultant just, like, give me some time. Ah, we've got to stick together, don't we, mate? I mean, yeah, I mean, I honestly thought I was, like, the only doctor in the country who wasn't the captain of a Quidditch team at some poncey private school. Full disclosure, mate. My dad's the Duke of Bedford. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean to offend you. I was just... He played darts in the Duke of Bedford. Oh! So, what did you want to talk to me about? Erm, oh, OK. Erm... Well, er... Er, well, you know that Caesarean today? Yeah. It felt like the first time I'd actually done something right at work. Huh! I just feel so incompetent there. The whole time, you know? Like a total fraud. And I'm lying to my parents, because they are so proud of what they think I've achieved. So much of the job is just so... Oh, it's just no-one tells you how upsetting it is. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I'm the first doctor to have cried in the toilet. And, you know, like, patients almost bleed to death, and babies get sick, and... ..a husband basically assaulted me. And everyone else is, like, "Fine, yeah, "this is just the job." It's not fine! Is it? And where's the support? And even if there was any, I wouldn't have time, because I'm working 14 hours a day and then revising in between for God knows how many more. I just feel so... ..so constantly overwhelmed. Like you're permanently fighting fires and you haven't got the right kit. Yeah! Yeah, that is exactly it. Are you sure you're in the right job? What do you mean? Well, it's a difficult job. What do you want me to say? "It gets easier"? It doesn't. By the time you retire, there's going to be a bus load of dead babies with your name on it. If you can't handle that fact, maybe you should get out now. Well, no-one's making you be here, are they? That's just you and some fucked-up fantasy you've got about what your parents will think. You need to decide, number one, do you really want to be doing this, and, more importantly, number two, are we going to get another glass of limoncello in, or what? Yeah, sure. MUSIC POUNDS LAUGHTER Hey, there's a queue here, lazies. Harry Muir plus one. I can't see it here, love. Oh, well, we tried. Have a...lovely evening. All right, Grandad. Erm, it could be under Kenzie. THEY SIGH Hang on, let me look. We don't want to put you out. It doesn't matter. Come on! What the point of being engaged if we can't brag about it? Er, or PJ, maybe. Oh, here y'are. Go on, get in. Thanks a bunch. Now I have to go in here. Well, he seems fun, love. Hey, cut it out. Erm, excuse me? Hey! Hello? Honey? Two, please. Thanks. Oh, my God, you must be the famous Adam. I've heard so much about you. I'm PJ. It doesn't ring a bell. No. Goodness, no. I thought it was a mint. I can't. I'd get struck off. I'm a doctor. Yeah. I heard. Shot? I don't do those either, I'm... Oh, my God, come on. Everyone's doing them. Yeah, I don't generally do things just because everyone does them. I only asked if you wanted to do a shot, not commit mass murder. Oh, I'd do that. Who's that over there? That one there. The really hot one dancing with Harry? That's Kenzie. That's Kenzie. Erm, you know what? I will have a couple of shots. I only offered you one. Cheers. Cheers. OK, come on, let's go join them. I don't.... I'm fine. What's it going to take?! Some kind of major cerebral event. Jesus, come on! Please... Come on! Guys? This is Adam. I can see why you've kept him hidden away. # House of jealous lovers # One hand ties the other # House of jealous lovers... # MUSIC CONTINUES Breath of fresh air, love? Yeah. I wasn't really into the cheap cologne and aerosolised semen. I know what'll cheer you up. Why don't you buy me a drink? I'm with someone. Well, that's nice. Has he got your wallet? Can you just leave me alone? Gladly. You know what, love? If you go round life hating everyone you meet, maybe you hate yourself. You not coming back in for another dance? Well, honestly, I would if the music was less shit and I was less boring. Boring? You're not boring. Everyone's been raving about you. Well... ..not raving, but PJ was... ..definitely positive. Overall. You're all I talk about to them, you know? Shall we escape? We can have a... ..little dance. I thought you said you didn't like the music. Not in there. What? I've got some moves. No, no, don't worry, we'll fix that before the wedding. # Should I try to hide the way # I feel inside # My heart for you? # Would you say that you # Would try to love me too? # In your mind # Could you ever be # Really close to me? # I can tell the way you smile # If I feel that I # Could be certain then # I would say the things I want to say tonight # But till I can see # That you'd really care for me # I will dream # That some day you'll be # Really close to me # I can tell the way you smile # If I feel that I # Could be certain then # I would say the things I want to say tonight # But till I can see # That you'd really care for me # I'll keep trying to hide # The way I feel inside. # Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.