LOUD GROANING Sorry you've ended up with a twin room. No room at the inn today. Better than a bunk bed, I guess. Yeah - get four to a room that way! GROANING, DEVICE BEEPS AND VIBRATES Sorry! Sorry about the room. SCREAMING CONTINUES Sorry. BABY CRIES BEEPING AND VIBRATING Hey, baby! HE LAUGHS I'm so sorry about all this. He got wasted at the office party. I'm going to strangle him later. Make sure you do a thorough job - because they're really busy in A&E. That's a nice big contraction now. One last big push for me. You're doing really well. SHE GROANS Stop pushing. Pant. SHE PANTS, MAN LAUGHS BABY CRIES Yay! Wahey! Love you! Love you. LIQUID SPLASHES Sir! Sir! Stop that. This is not a toilet, you absolute... SHE SHOUTS Why don't you pop downstairs and go for a walk for half an hour? What, you can't squeeze us in before then? I'm not running a Pizza Express, sir. Who bleeped me? Tracy needs an FBS done, love. Do me an FBS. What does FBS mean? Foetal blood sample. Oh. Which room? Five. Erm... Are you going to go to Shruti's thing later? Well, I was planning to, but I'm not sure I can leave all this with a PE teacher in scrubs. Er, Adam, can I ask you a question about a patient I've just seen? Quick, then. So...she's 32 and a half years old, she's 37 weeks pregnant, generally fit and well. She has asthma, so sometimes... Quick's the one when you get to the fucking point. Right. She's got a urine infection, so... Yeah, erm... So, should I give her some antibiotics? As opposed to what, a healing crystal and some magic runes? Absolute waste of organs. And the award for Boss of the Year goes to...! MOBILE VIBRATES Angle the lamp a bit better for me. Please? Please. Remember to file another complaint about my manners. I've had weeks of this now, Adam. Can you stop being quite so much of a twat. Tracy! No, don't "Tracy" me! Anyway, the patient's deaf. And if she wasn't sure, I'm sure she'd agree that was a pretty twat-ish thing to say. I know old habits are hard to change, but want to try being professional? What, like you? Well, that's assuming I still have a profession after my hearing tomorrow. SHE SIGHS And just so you know, I'm nipping out to Shruti's memorial for five minutes, if I can. What, so you've got time for her now she's dead, do you? I'm...sorry. I didn't mean that. Absolutely sure that it's me that's the twat? You do know I can lip-read, right? Hey. You coming to the memorial? Yeah. BEEPING AND VIBRATING Have fun. Hey, give me that. She'd have wanted you there. You sure? Of course. MOBILE VIBRATES You've got 30 seconds. Right. So Emma's been getting this weird pain in her groin. It only happens if she stands on one leg, but it's agony. What do you reckon? Stand on two legs. I mean, if she's putting her trousers on. It's probably just symphysis pubis dysfunction. It's nothing to worry about. See a physio. They can give her this special belt thing. You're a legend, and... Time's up! Bye. CHATTER WOMAN CLEARS THROAT Thanks so much to so many of you for coming. Christ knows who's looking after the labour ward. Better not be me! MOBILE RINGS We're obviously here to remember Shruti Akarya and to unveil this lovely... ..I'm going to say oak tree in her honour. So let me hand over, first of all, to Mr and Mrs Akarya. Acharya. Acharya. Thank you, all, for coming. You know, Shruti loved being a doctor. But every time she called us, she would tell us how much she enjoyed working with you all. Shruti...brought us huge pride in everything she achieved. And it brings us great joy that she will live on, not just in our hearts and our minds, but in this beautiful tree which will live longer than anyone here. APPLAUSE As Shruti's educational supervisor, I know first-hand what a committed and dedicated doctor she was, as evidenced by her passing her Part One exam first-time - something, I might add, I did not do. Seven driving tests, too, and counting. Can do a caesarean in five minutes with one hand, can't reverse around a bloody corner! SUBDUED LAUGHTER We're all the poorer for her loss. But depression is cruel, and in Shruti's case, silent. While she was... ..clearly doing well at work, obviously, there were other forces at play. In life, like on labour ward, you never really know what's around the corner. SHE GROANS Miss Houghton? All right? I think maybe Shruti wasn't quite as happy at work as you said. SARCASTICALLY: No? Do you reckon? Well, what did you want her parents to hear, that she couldn't hack it? I mean, like, shouldn't there be some kind of investigation? Or are we all just going to keep pretending there's nothing wrong with this place? Sorry, I must be dementing. When did I say there was nothing wrong? This hospital's got about three doctors and a budget of �12.50. So, if you want to change it, become a government minister, because there is bollocks-all any of us here can do. Well, I... So what do we do now, then? Well, we all toddle off back to work, don't we? And eventually they forget to water the tree and that dies as well. MOBILE VIBRATES I'm so sorry for your loss. Er... Did you work closely with Shruti? I... No, not really, no. Erm... But she's much missed. Walk with me, Kay. So...tomorrow's your big day at GMC towers? Yes, yeah. It is, yeah. I must say, I'm very sorry you're going through all this. For what it's worth, I think it's bloody unfair that it has to end like this. I'm not sure it's going to end. Well, you falsified the notes. Seemed pretty cut-and-dry to me. I'm not sure anyone really comes back from that. No, I wrote what you told me to write, and then you weaselled back on it. Well, my lawyer thinks I stand a fighting chance. How are you intending to play things at the tribunal? Well, hopefully I'll persuade them that a simple lapse in my professional judgment shouldn't need to bring my future into question. You're a bloody good doctor, Adam. We need more doctors like you. You owe it to yourself, to your patients, to stay in the game. If I was in your position, I think I'd try and realign the narrative ever so slightly. I'm not sure that I follow. Well, you just tell our friends at the GMC that your colleague, Dr Acharya, mistakenly told you that I said it was OK to send the patient home when, in fact, she hadn't spoken to me. She and she alone knocked over the first domino. But she... But she didn't do that. Who's to know? You're suggesting that I throw her... ..I throw Shruti under the bus? No-one loses this way. It's time for pragmatism, Adam, not emotions - if you want to keep your job, that is. ENGINE STARTS PIANO PLAYS SOFTLY I've got a crowbar! Just me, Mum. I know it's just you. I've come to smash up the piano. Schubert. You'd never know just from listening. You all set for tomorrow? Yeah, I guess. It's just a hiccup. It's a vexatious bit of bureaucracy. You are going to shave, right? Mm-hm. Make sure you give a good showing, Adam, because we've all worked so hard to get you here. Oh, "we", is it? Remind me how many labour ward shifts you've done. Oh, just the one visit to a labour ward, and then an entire lifetime given up to getting you here. Not sure I remember ever asking you to. Quite how you ended up so rude, I'll never know. A mystery for the ages. TANNOY: We are now approaching Manchester Piccadilly, where this service terminates. Yeah, so I just say yes or no to their questions. And anything that needs a longer answer than that, I'll take it. Am I going to be all right? Yeah, totally. Oh, sorry, hang on. What did he say? Am I going to be all right? Oh, Christ knows. But... But you know my motto - never say never. I'm going to go to the bathroom. OK. You've got five minutes, Alan. DOOR BANGS DOOR OPENS Just do it. You treated me like shit when I was alive. What does one more time matter? You weren't doing coke in there? No. Adam Kay? Right, after you. Good luck. Hope you saved some for us afterwards. Great. I'm going to get struck off in a room that looks like it's used for a speed-awareness course. Good afternoon. My name is Tina Sharpehouse, and I'm the tribunal chair. This is a fitness to practise hearing for Adam Richard Kay. Would you please stand up, Dr Kay? Still calling me "doctor" - that's a good start. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? I do. Please be seated. On April 16th, at 4.15pm, you reviewed patient Erika Van Hegan, 25 weeks pregnant and presenting with a headache. You discharged her home. You wrote in the notes that you had discussed this decision with your consultant, Mr Nigel Lockhart, a fact that he denies. I'd like to say a few words. WHISPERS: No, you wouldn't! There's time for you to say anything you need to later on. You may sit back down. On the day in question, I was working alongside an SHO colleague... ..called Shruti Acharya. HE CHUCKLES I did not see that coming. I mean, if you'd asked me before, I'd have said you were toast, but then - bam, out of nowhere - you come out with that. I literally can't believe we won. I can't tell you how much I needed this, by the way. My numbers have NOT been good this year. PHONE VIBRATES Good to see you. You too. Do you want...something? No, thanks. How are you? Yeah, not bad. That's good. The couple downstairs have a new baby, which screams, like, 20 hours a day, so your timing was pretty good. HE LAUGHS You're looking well. Does that mean fat? BOTH LAUGH It's her cooking. It's... You know, the main ingredient is butter. How is it? Attached back to Mummy's apron strings? They're slightly strangling. But, you know, when did a bit of light strangulation ever hurt anyone? So, I had a good chat with the estate agents. They said there's actually a six-month break clause, so I can move out in September. I printed off the form. You just need to sign at the bottom. How's work? HE CRIES Shit. Shruti? It's so horrible. I just keep playing over in my mind everything I said to her. Everything I should have said. Everything I shouldn't. I just... ..I don't understand how it... Anyway. I let her down so terribly. Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure you were a great boss. I was a crap boss. Crap boyfriend. Crap doctor. Hey, come on. So, what, I was an amazing boyfriend? What are you doing Saturday? A 10K. That sounds awful. Well, there's still a place at Greg's wedding if you fancy it. And that's meant to be an upgrade? Emma's designed the table decorations. They're terrible. Like 4ft foot glass dildos. Christ. Anyway, would you consider being my temporary plus-one? Oh, I don't know. I don't... I'm not sure. Special... ..one-night-only cameo appearance? PHONE VIBRATES Hi, Greg. Quick one - sure it's nothing. Then, maybe don't phone me about it. Emma just called to say the baby's not been kicking. You know, it's normally a right little Ronaldo, but this morning it's more of a Ronny Rosenthal. More homosexual references, please. Footwork of Bob Fosse, that kind of thing. When did she last feel any movement? About 90 minutes ago. Tell her to drink a pint of ice-cold water. Should get it moving. Bit like chucking a pint of cold water over Jakesy to wake him up. Exactly. Isn't one of the school lot a recruitment consultant now? Yeah, Welly. Oh, shit. Is anyone else? He's amazing at it, amazingly. He's a bit like the Incredible Hulk, only it's tequila that sets him off. Is this about the...? Oh, Christ, did you get struck off? No, no. I did what I had to. Meaning? Just wonder if a change of scenery might be good for me. DISTANT SIREN WAILS OK, look at you! Look who's here. My God, Dr Adam! Oh, my God. I'm so glad you made it. Can you believe Misty's going home? You've got to say hello. Look who came to see you. BABY GURGLES Dr Adam. I'm just very pleased that everything's turned out well in the end. Well, I actually got you something. Just to say thank you. I mean, he wouldn't be here without you. Wow. "World's best doctor." I don't know about that, but... You are. Oh, joint best. I got one for the lovely Asian lady doctor, too, so would you mind passing it on? Actually, she... No problem. Do you want to hold him? Sure. Yeah? Yeah! Cuddles. Ah, yes! Look. You're going to be a surgeon like Dr Adam when you grow up. If that's what he really wants to do. Whatever he does, I'm sure he'll make you very proud. Well, I guess being a doctor isn't everyone's cup of teeth. BEEPING Oh, sorry. WOMAN: Labour ward, room one, shoulder dystocia. I have to... That's labour ward, room one, shoulder dystocia. Dr Adam... ..Dr Adam, you forgot your present. Shoulder dystocia are two words you never want to hear as an obstetrician. Baby's head delivers, but its shoulders get stuck. All the time this is going on, baby's brain isn't getting any oxygen. Five minutes of that, and it's irreversible damage. ALARM BLARES MOTHER PANTS 3 minutes 20. My name is Adam. I'm one of the doctors. I'm sure your midwife has explained the baby's head has come out, but the body is stuck. I want you to listen to what I ask you to do, and we'll get baby out. Get those knees up higher. MOTHER GROANS Higher, proper McRoberts. Come on, you need to get him out! SHE SOBS 3 minutes 40. SHE SOBS What have you tried? Woods' Screw Manoeuvre? Posterior arm? Tracy? Agnieszka? Someone. Suprapubic pressure, rotating on all fours. We couldn't reach the posterior arm. You've emptied the bladder? Yes. SHE WAILS I'm going to put a hand inside to help baby out. SHE GROANS Fuck. I need the on-call consultant in here now. OK. That's four minutes. Last resort, seen it once three years ago. Do one, teach one. I'm going to have to break your baby's collarbone to get him out. He should heal perfectly, but there is a chance it can damage a nerve in his arm. Please don't hurt my baby. I don't have any other option. Please, please! 4 minutes 20. My God. My God. There's one other option. I can make a cut to divide your pubic bone. Never seen it. Can we have some time to discuss this? I've got less than one minute to get your baby delivered alive. OK. Cut the bone. SHE PANTS Local anaesthetic, needle, syringe, catheter, scalpel. Do you understand what I'm going to do? SHE WHIMPERS You've got this. SHE WAILS Stay nice and calm for me, darling. Anaesthetic's going in. OK? SHE MOANS OK, darling. It's OK. BONES CRACK, SHE SCREAMS Argh! Ah. Oh, God. SHE SOBS Is he OK? Is he OK? One, 1,000. Two, 1,000. Three, 1,000. BABY CRIES HE SIGHS Congratulations. Fuck. That was close. You did really well in there, Adam. I thought I was a menace to society and a danger to everyone I encounter. Can you just take a compliment? I'm not great at it, no. Can we just go back to insulting each other? Get a haircut. Going to have to hit me harder than that. Fine. Get a boyfriend. HE SIGHS Maybe slightly less hard. MACHINE BEEPS SOBBING Everything OK? I thought that baby was going to die... ..right in front of me. Yeah. Me, too, to be honest, but, hey, it didn't. I just didn't know what to do. I was useless. You weren't useless. You were actively making things worse. Not calling me for three minutes, then just standing there while all the rest of us... HE SOBS I'm sorry. I don't mean that. I was exactly the same as you at this stage. Maybe a bit better. And, yeah, the job can be horrible. So, you find ways of dealing with it. HE SOBS Give me your bleep. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Are you sure? 100%. Decompress, phone your mum, have a wank. Separately. Come on. Thank you, Adam. PAGER VIBRATES AND BEEPS (JAUNTY MUSIC) Collect Le Creuset kitchenware with every three orders. Collect all three, only with My Food Bag. Right, Dad's taking me to the station now. Um... ..I'll be late, so don't wait up. I'd check the invitation. I imagine it says dress fancy, not fancy dress. Ha-ha. Unless you're entertaining the kiddies' table. I get it. You don't like my clothes, you want me to be more successful, you wish I was straight. I just want you to be happy. I was happy with Harry. Yes, but, clearly, he wasn't that happy with you, was he? What do you know about being happy anyway? I know that it's difficult playing second fiddle to somebody's job. By the time you've had children, you're third fiddle. You're practically sat back with the cellos. Not everybody is able to cope with that. Monica's nephew's a homosexual, too. There's a lot of it about. He's a barrister. We could... ..have them all over for lunch. Oh, so it's just graphic designers that you've got a bit of a thing against, is it? That was unkind. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you think I've been hard on you. I don't... ..think you've been hard on me. Well, in that case, I'm going to get you some of your father's shoes because those are barely fit for gardening. MUSIC: Bridal Chorus by Wagner MAN: Would you please be seated? Ladies and gentlemen, what a beautiful setting we're in and what a beautiful reason we're here. The celebration of love. In the words of Andrew Lloyd Webber, "Love, love changes everything." I'd go one further. Love IS everything. It completes us. It fulfils us. It makes the half whole. INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER Well, hello. Ah, hello. Hello, Emma. Hello. Room for a little one? OTHERS LAUGH Congratulations, Emma. The table decorations look really amazing. Oh, they really do, don't they? Is Harry in the bathroom? No, he...he... ..he didn't make it. I thought that he... ..but, yeah, it was a no-show, I'm afraid. Oh, Adam. That's awful. Honestly, I'm having a lovely time on my own. We've got a reserve list of 20. My cousin Harriet's fiance couldn't have a place. They're actually IN a relationship. Sorry. How are you? I'm fine. Yeah? Um... ..would you mind if we go somewhere private quickly? If this is about money, can you speak to Gregory? It's not about money. No? Can we try out here? Excuse me. Just here. I just wanted to give you this. Oh, is this a vibrator? It's not funny. No, no, no. It's a sonic aid, like in an antenatal clinic. I just thought the last few weeks might be easier if, um... Anyway. Well, I'll show you. So, you press this. Mm-hm. And, yeah, if you lift up your... Oh. Pop this... ..there. Hold on. Shit, sorry. I think it might be dead. What? No, the battery. The battery. Oh. Sorry, I just... Oh, no, that's on. OK. Right. HEARTBEAT HE CHUCKLES Oh! Oh. Listen. Now, you can hear Baby whenever you want. Incredible. Thank you so much. Best wedding gift, bar none. Well, until the main present arrives in a few weeks. Of course. When are you due? Oh, no, I meant the Maserati from Greg. Yeah. It's got held up in Bologna. Long story. Hm. Shall we have a photo? No, no, no, I'm all right. Oh. HE CHUCKLES Oh. You have to look into the... Quite fast. Is...? SHE LAUGHS Yay! Oh. OK. Yeah. I am sorry Harry couldn't make it. I hope you can still enjoy the day. Here you go, beautiful. (SOFTLY) Thanks. Ah, excuse me! VOICEOVER: If it's been a while since you've had your eyes checked, we're now offering half price eye tests. Should've gone to Specsavers! I'm really happy for you, Greg. Ah. Well, that was almost convincing. I mean it. Love is a very precious thing. All right, Richard Curtis. I'm sorry that Harry bailed. But that does mean that I can set you up with Ayo. He works in derivatives, and he's got a jawline you could cut tiles with. I'm fine. Thank you. Anyway, that would never work. Ayo Kay?! Gregorio! Ladam! Now, when am I up? Probably next... ..ten mins? Ah. Right, shall we? Oh, did you guys get a chance to chat about work stuff yet? Yeah, you got any jobs for washed-up doctors? Every day of the week, mate. I must have placed, like, three ex-doctors into proper, grown-up, six-figure roles - minimum hours, maximum dosh. Dream scenario. Really? Totalmente. I mean, think of all those transferable skills you've got. Pulling babies out of vaginas? Uno, problem solving. Duo, time management. Tru-o, empathy. Yeah, well, that's two out of three, then. GLASS CLINKS Ladies and gentlemen, if you could please take your seats as the evening speeches are about to commence. Just call the office, and we'll fix a meeting, yeah? Boom. Ding-dong, the legend's here. Hello, everybody. My name is Welly, AKA the well of all knowledge, and I am the best man to young Greg, here. Now, a lot of people worry, naturally, that marriage is the biggest mistake they'll ever make. Not our Greg, though, because on his gap year, he lost his virginity to a prostitute who looked like Pavarotti. HE LAUGHS Only cost him three TENORS. That was genius. # The book of love is long and boring # No-one can lift the damn thing # It's full of charts and facts and figures # And instructions for dancing # But I # I love it when you read to me... # So sorry I'm late. Isn't that MY line? Did you know there's more than one Farmborough? Yes. And they're not close. Look, I tried to text, but I ran out of credit. I don't care. I'm just... ..glad you're here. How much have I missed? Um... ..not enough. Come on. Isn't the wedding where all those people with dinner jackets are? Exactly. Come on. "In lieu of wedding favours, we have made a donation "of �50 per person "to Chipping Norton Donkey Sanctuary." I hate donkeys. Can I get the 50 quid for myself? How can you hate babies? You what? Baby horses. No, donkeys are not baby horses. Well, what are they, then? Donkeys. Oh. HE LAUGHS Well, I...I grew up in London. I...they...we didn't have any... Schools? What would your ideal wedding be? Oh. All right, OK, um... ..free booze, loads of people, like, everyone in my contacts list... Estate agent. HSBC. Yeah, they love a party. Um... ..massive curry, no speeches, karaoke, and a kebab at 3am. It sounds nice. HARRY LAUGHS Hm. We've finished it. You can't do that. Don't worry. I'll go and get it. Woo! What are you doing? Woo! Come on, Grandad. Jesus! Oh, this is cold. HE CHUCKLES Oh, God. Oh, oh, oh, oh. It's fresh. THEY LAUGH Go on, then. What would your ideal wedding be? Heated lake. Obviously. Obviously. And otherwise, the same as yours. Because I'd be marrying you. Adam... Tell me we weren't good together. We were good, but we were also quite bad. But the bad stuff was... ..that was all to do with my job. You know, medicine is not good for me. It's, um... ..it's ruined my life. And it destroyed us. I don't think it was... ..that simple. I'd like to say a few words. Dr Kay, you may sit back down. On the day in question, I was working alongside an SHO colleague called Shruti Acharya. Dr Kay... She asked me to review the patient in triage, and then she assisted me with the caesarean. Dr Acharya has since... Dr Acharya has since taken her own life. On the morning she died, Shruti found out she'd passed her Obs and Gynae membership exams, exams she worked ridiculously hard for... ..on top of the 90-hour weeks, on top of this complaint. But she didn't see this as a success. The idea of carrying on working in a broken system under shoddy conditions didn't feel like any kind of future. She was a great doctor. Kind, focused, determined. And it was still too much for her. It's too much for anyone. I mean, you saw what it... ..what it turned me into. I don't know if I can do it any more. Don't leave medicine for me. One doctor, in this country, takes their own life every three weeks. And it should be a national fucking headline every time it happens, and instead it's just brushed under the carpet. Doctors, nurses, midwives, pharmacists, physios, a million and a half of them... ..they don't do this for the money, for the kudos, for the anything. They do it because they care. Day in, day out, going the extra mile to keep the rest of us on the road. That's a pretty fucking special thing. And you could do yourselves a favour to remember that once in a while. You know, I... ..I really miss you. I know. This is the bit where you say that you miss me, too. Yeah, I do. Well, if you miss me, then... ..let's just...let's... Why don't we give it another go? A proper go. When you get all of me. But it's what you do. Being a doctor, it's who you are. Put your hand on your heart, and tell me you want to give all that up. I don't think I can. It's OK. It's OK. HE SIGHS WOMAN: Call an ambulance! Can't call an ambulance at a hospital. Get someone, then! Hello. I'm Adam. I'm one of the doctors. What kind of a doctor? Doesn't matter what kind! Right, hello. Baby's just sitting there, ready to come out. Probably best if we finish what you've started. Next contraction, give me a nice big push. Have you got anything to put down on the seats? Oh, is that ever going to come out of the upholstery? SHE SCREAMS Honestly, Tim! Shoelaces. You're doing so well. Nearly there. Nearly there. SHE WHIMPERS Push, push. Push, push, push! Here we go. SHE WAILS BABY CRIES Congratulations. Oh! Laces. Something to cut the cord? Hi. What do we do now? I think you have to feed it for a few years, let it live in your house, and then send it to school. Right, labour ward's on the second floor of that building there. Um... ..just give me a minute, and I'll get you up there. Thank you so much, Dr... Adam's a good name. Oh. For fuck's sake. # This is going to sting # This is going to slay you # This is going to break your heart