(BELL DINGS) (INTENSE MUSIC) (MUFFLED WHOOSHING) - (GRUNTS MUFFLEDLY) - 'My name is Ari Chan-Kumar. 'That's my coach, Mei. 'Um, she's also my mum. 'She loves to remind me a woman is most fertile between the ages of 18 and 24.' - SLOW-MO: She's single, by the way! ECHOES: Single, single... - Yeah, well... I'm 29. www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2024 (MUSIC LIGHTENS) - So... how did the date go? - He ran over a stray cat on the way to the restaurant. - Why do you always focus on the negative? - He insisted on sticking to our dinner plans once we buried it. (SIGHS) - So back to the Tinder, then? Bumble? - Well, you are most likely to meet someone when you're not looking. Right, Dad? - You can't rush love. - Exactly. - But if you wait too long, it will be hard to have kids. - (GRUNTS) I'll... just get my eggs frozen. - You can't fight forever! You need a plan, sweetie. Go out on top, retire at the perfect age. Have a family at the perfect age. You can have it all! - (GRUNTS, PANTS) I... I need a break. (PANTS) (SIGHS) (SPARSE PERCUSSIVE MUSIC) I always wanted to be just like my mum. I mean, look at her. She's a total badarse. Back in Malaysia, Mum wanted to start up her own gym before she met Dad. - Let's see... The latest you can have your first is 30, and you need to have a one-year engagement. And of course, you need to know your husband for at least two years before committing to anything. So that means you should have met the one two years ago, Ari! (KETTLE WHISTLES) - You never dated, and you're fine. - I was lucky. I met your dad at just the right time. - (CHUCKLES) - Thank God for our fiery courtship. - And my very impressive sperm count. - Mm. - (GAGS) (PHONE RINGS) - (SIGHS) (PHONE BEEPS) Asrita! Got cold feet yet? - Hi, Aunty. - Perfect cousin Asrita. She pushed me off a bike in Intermediate ` bitch. - By the way, Aunty, is Ari there? I just noticed she hadn't confirmed a plus-one for my wedding happening in less than 24 hours. - I thought she was dating the Tinder guy. - You told them? (PHONE RINGS) - AMIT: Ari, it's for you. - Ari, you're bringing a date to the wedding, right? Asrita's just been freaking out about this bloody table seating. - It's called being organised. (PHONE RINGS) - Ari, landline! - Ari, please RSVP for your date, huh? Each table needs six guests for auspicious symmetry. - Well, I'm not seeing anyone, so... - (SCOFFS) Just seat her at the kids' table. - Can't she just sit next to one of Asrita's guy friends? - Oh, yes, that handsome accountant. - JACOB: Great idea, Aunty. (PHONE RINGS) - AUNTY PRIYA: Oh, you mean the one who looks like the actor from Bus to Busan? - Yes, and so handsome. - I wish I was 20 years younger. - (SIGHS) (PHONE STOPS RINGING) (EXHALES) OK. (PHONE DINGS) (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC) (VOICEOVER READS MESSAGE) - (SIGHS) OK, they don't seem that mad. (VOICEOVER READS MESSAGE) 'I am running away.' '(CHUCKLES) Nah, I-I'm not. 'I just applied for this five-year intensive mixed martial arts course in Thailand. (UPBEAT MUSIC) 'I honestly didn't expect to get offered a spot.' (UPBEAT MUSIC STOPS) You know, five years does seem like a long time, actually. But whatever. I'll tell Mum the plan once it's a done deal. It's chill. It's chill. - RAPS: # Dead to me, RIP, buried. (CHEERING) - 'Mum has my whole life planned out, so I have to present her with a better alternative plan. 'So, yeah. I'm doing a tiny, very illegal underground fight. 'Winner gets $5000. 'Get the money, show Mum, go to Thailand.' That makes sense, right? Um, hey. - (SLURPS) - Uh, I'm Ari. Um... I'm in the next fight. - Oh. You're fighting Cris Lee, eh? (CHUCKLES) Tough luck, kid. (PULSATING MUSIC) - Who's the guy in the suit? - Oh, that's James. Whole family's pretty hectic, eh? They'll mess you up. Pow, pow, pow, pow! - # Dead to me. RIP, buried. # - Have fun! (CROWD RUMBLES) - OK, ladies, come in. OK. No biting, no scratching and no weapons, OK? No` No, you can't have that machete. Put it there, please. No, put the machete in there. Thank you very much. All right. Three two-minute rounds. KO or tap out. Yeah? - CROWD CHANTS: Fight! Fight! Fight! - Right. (CROWD APPLAUDS, CHEERS) - Say your prayers. - Well, I'm an atheist. (CROWD GOES QUIET) (QUIET, INTENSE MUSIC) 'It's gonna be fine. 'Think of Thailand. Warm beaches, coconuts, Tiger Balm... - MUFFLED: Guard up! - Wait... - Guard up! Guard up! Don't mess up your face before the wedding! You're not getting any younger! Babies! - (GRUNTS) (CROWD ERUPTS) (PROPULSIVE HIP-HOP MUSIC) (GRUNTING, GROANING) (CROWD EXCLAIMS) - (PANTS) (CHUCKLES) (MOANS) (GROWLS) - (GRUNTS) (CHOKES) (MUSIC SLOWS DOWN) (GROANS) - (GROANS) - You can't fight forever. - What? (BABY GURGLES) (GROANS SOFTLY) (BABY CRIES) - (PANTS QUICKLY) Argh! - (YELLS) (CROWD EXCLAIMS) - (GROANS) - (PANTS) - Cris, get back in that ring and fight! (CROWD WHISTLES, CHEERS) - Hey, uh, yeah, you should forfeit if you know what's good for you, eh. - Wait, what? But I won. - Well, your funeral. (MUTED CHEERING, WHISTLES) (ETHEREAL WHISPERING, VOCALISATIONS) - In every heart, in every soul, the truth lies waiting to make us whole. It's time to face the storm, Ari. - How did you know my name? - You signed in just before. - Oh. - Oh, shit. (INTENSE MUSIC) - Let's keep this real simple, kid. You're gonna admit to cheating by doping, and then you're gonna hand over that money. And maybe, just maybe, I'll let you walk out of here alive. - 'OK. It's obvious what the logical thing to do here is, right?' (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) (BABY CRIES FAINTLY) Do not test me. - (YELLS) (GRUNTING, GROANING) (INTENSE MUSIC SOFTENS) - It is futile without white vinegar, idiot! - Sorry, Uncle. - (GROANS) 'All right, well, this is going great. 'Gotta be up in time for the wedding, which is in five hours. 'I'll bring the money with me and deposit it on the way home.' (GENTLE HINDI MUSIC) - PHOTOGRAPHER: Very nice, very nice. Come in together, squeeze in. Look like you like each other. One, two, three, whoo! (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) Nice. - Oh, sweetie, you look so beautiful. Didn't your dad and I do such a good job? (HINDI MUSIC SOFTENS) - Honey, could you give me a hand? (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - Oh! (GASPS) Oh, you did such a good job. - UNCLE AHI: (GROANS SOFTLY) - So how's your business going? - We just won a case helping 500 factory workers fight their exploitative employers to claim three years' worth of overtime. - So busy and important. Doesn't he sound busy and important? Ari. - She's trying to ask if you're single. - Actually, this is my boyfriend, Moko. He's completing a PhD in neurology. - Kia ora. - And this is his friend Kai. They made at te reo night classes. - Kia ora. - He's also single and straight. - He's a chartered accountant for local charities. - That's my job, but my real passion's cooking and fixing vintage motorcycles. - He actually did a solo charity ride all across Australia. - So you ride motorbikes? Could you give my daughter a ride? - (SWALLOWS HEAVILY) - Oh, OK, uh... - OK, cool. Um, can I pretend to give you my number so my mum leaves me alone for five minutes? - Sure. But maybe you should talk to her about how you feel about` - OK, thanks. - Yup. (PHONE CHIMES) - OK, uh, now hug me. - Huh? - Bring it in, bro. Let's` Thank you. That is you all done. - (GIGGLES) You had him eating out of the palm of your hand. I'm so proud of you. - Mum, I need to tell you something. - OK. - Don't do anything stupid. - How did you find me? - My mate Roshan tagged you in his story. - Hey, bro! - Oh, sup, G. - What are you up to? - Just working. - Oh nice! Get it, king. - Come with us. Unless you want us to ruin your perfect little wedding. - Hey! (GROANS) (BOTH GROAN) - Ari, what is this? - OK, I can explain. - Ari, we meet again, and this time, I'm... Who is that? - Oh, I think that's her sister. - Oh, that's very sweet of you. - What do you want from me? - You're going to admit that you cheated during the fight, and then you're going to restore our undefeated reputation. - Fight? - And then... - What fight? - And then` And then you're gonna pay for ruining my suit, because this dry cleaning bill is daylight robbery! I mean, I know we're living through a cost of living crisis, but really, this much for wine stains?! You have tainted our flawless lega` (STATIC BURBLES) - Think I'm running low on data. - ...warrior's blood runs throoough... (PHONE GLITCHES) (PHONE BLEEPS, SEARCHES FOR SIGNAL) (PHONE CHIMES) Can you hear me? - Ari. - What have I told you about buying a new phone instead of wasting your money on stupid tap dancing lessons, huh? - It's actually ballroom dancing. - Ari! - You have no rhythm! - Ari! - I'm moving to Thailand. - What? - I applied for this five year intensive course, and I was saving for the deposit, and then the deadline was coming up, so I got desperate, and I went to this underground fight, and I ruined this dude's suit, and now he's sent these goons after me to restore his family's legacy or something. Mum? - So you've been lying to me! (TYRES SCREECH) (HORSE SNORTS) (HORN BLARES) - Who left their horse here? (HORN BLARES) - You could have died! - OK, well, I didn't. MUFFLED: OK, so... - MUFFLED: This is the most... - Wanna get something to eat? - Oh yeah. - ...stupid... - Can you get me some curry puffs? - (GRUNTS) - Whoa. (SMASH!) (HIP-HOP MUSIC) - Hey! Hold it, Aunt` - (GRUNTS) Argh! - Mum, wait. - What if people found out about this? Your reputation, that nice accountant... - Yeah, we've just been kidnapped, and you're still worried about setting me up. - I'm doing what is best for you. - I don't care what you think is best for me! You are smothering me, so can you just stop?! - You don't want my help. Go! I don't care! (BINDINGS RIP) (SIGHS) - (TEARFULLY) Fine. I don't need you. - (GASPS, GRUNTS) Help! Help! - Shit. Mum, can you just... - Guys, guys, help! - Ari, stay back. I'll fix this. - Mum, I can deal with this. - Stay! - OK, um, everyone take five. - What happened...? (ALARMED CHATTER) (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) - Boys, this is not the place. (GRUNTING, GROANING) - Uh, uh, uh! - (GROANS) - (GROANS, GRUNTS) - (GRUNTS) - Ari, I said no. - Do you seriously expect me just to stand here? - (YELLS) - (GRUNTS) - (GRUNTS) (PLATTER GONGS) (CHUCKLES) (GROANS) (RECORD SCRATCHES) (RAP MUSIC PLAYS) (GRUNTING, GROANING) - (GROANS) (CHAIR METAL RINGS) (GRUNTING, GROANING) - (GROANS) - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) - I said no fighting. - OK, well, you're just getting in the way. - (GASPS) Don't use that tone with me! (GRUNTING, GROANING) (RAP MUSIC CONTINUES) - (GRUNTS) (YELLS) - (GROANS) - Oh shit! I'm sorry, Mum. - Aiya! Watch what you're doing. - You guys OK? Let me know if you need anything. Um, and, uh, maybe try working together. - (SIGHS) (SOFT, POIGNANT MUSIC) - OK, Mum, you take the old guy, and I'll take the other two. - No, I'll take the two hot young ones. - Mum! OK. Yup. Sure. Let's` Yeah. (POIGNANT MUSIC CONTINUES) (GOONS GRUNT) (MUFFLED BLOWS THUD) (POIGNANT MUSIC CONTINUES) - (GRUNTS) - Ari! (GRUNTING, GROANING) - (GROANS) - (SIGHS) - (GROANS) - (YELLS) (GRUNTS, YELLS) (FIRE CRACKLES) No, no, no, no. No. No! (PANTS SHAKILY) (FIRE CRACKLES, WHOOSHES) (SIGHS) - Ari, let's go. (GENTLE MUSIC) - Mum, I just... I don't want kids, OK? Mum! - (GROANS) (HIGH-PITCHED RINGING) (FAINT HEARTBEAT) - 'This is definitely not going to plan. 'But I don't need a plan.' (INAUDIBLE) Mum. Mum. OK, just relax. Just relax. It's` It's gonna be OK. - Ari, listen to me. - Dad, call an ambulance. - Ari, listen` Ari, listen to me. Ari, listen to me! - Mum, don't talk. - When I was your age, I had no one. Even when I wanted to marry your dad, my parents never supported me. - (SNIFFLES) - I always had to find my own way. I had no plan... - (SNIFFLES) - ...when I got pregnant, when we moved here. I was so scared. - Mum, please. - I just wanted your life to be easier, to have a plan. To protect you. - You have protected me. - If you don't have children, you will be all alone. Who will be here when I am gone? How do I know you'll be OK? - (EXHALES) I am going to be OK... (SNIFFLES) because you have taught me everything I need to know. But I don't want a plan. I just want to figure it out. Just like you figured it out, OK? (SNIFFLES) - I just wanted you to be... happy. - I know. (EXHALES) (DOOR THUDS) - Useless, no-rhythm idiot. - (GROANS) (ANTICIPATIVE MUSIC) (BLADE RINGS) - I am gonna make you pay, you annoyingly, disrespectful little shit! - Well, I'm broke, so... - WHISPERS: Hey, give me the sword. Ari! (BLADE RINGS) - (YELLS) (GROANS) (YELLS) (DRAMATIC MUSIC) (GROANS, YELLS) - (GRUNTS) (PANTS) (SOFT MUSIC) Mum, are you OK? (BOTH CHATTER SOFTLY) - AMIT: Hey. - Hey. (SIRENS WAIL FAINTLY) She's OK. 'So, that is the true story of how I told my mum I don't want kids, 'and all it took was a super dramatic near-death experience for us to be honest with each other. 'It was totally worth it.' (SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES) - Sweetie, you know I don't really understand why you don't want a beautiful baby of your own. - Hey, Mum... - I am kidding. Oh. - (CHUCKLES) - We've been saving up for your wedding. - But we want you to use it for your trip. It's OK. Go spread your wings. - Cheep, cheep! - 'Uh, damn it. Asian parents, man. Straight in the feels. 'I'm gonna cry again in front of everyone. 'And you know what?' I think I have a better idea for this. (BRIGHT MUSIC) Whoo! - Pow! Oh, they're here. Welcome, welcome! Come, come. Hi! - Hi, guys! Welcome, thanks for coming... (BRIGHT MUSIC CONTINUES) Captions by Kate Harris. Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.